December 26, 2025 • 26 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G.) has a great Friday for you! He talks: Boxing Day, Charity for the Cameras, Maller Mansion Christmas Party, & more!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Cut booms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
It's a clearing house of hot takes. Break free for
something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
In the air everywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Maler and Danny g
Radio A Happy Friday to you the day after the
big holiday, the Christmas Holiday. Why am I doing this podcast?
I am away from the radio. I'll tell you why.
I'm a glutton for punishment. And a podcast is much
easier than a four hour radio show. A podcast is
(00:54):
twenty five or thirty minutes and that's it, and you
can do it whenever you want to explain this to people.
I have friends of mine that are doing podcasts and
some of them never did radio, and I try to
point out.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
That is it a brag? I guess it's a brag.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
I just the live radio show is a much bigger
endeavor than a podcast. People get offended by that. Just
the reality of the situation. Nonetheless, it is Boxing Day today,
and so I figured what better way to celebrate Boxing
Day than to do this podcast. And really, every day
is Boxing Day at the Malor Mansion. My wife is
(01:33):
now pretty much one hundred percent an online shopper, and
that's it just more convenient, and we have box after
box after box after box, so many boxes. Every day
is Boxing Day. It's time to hop on the bully
pulpit because there's a thing happening in the NFL every
(01:55):
December that drives me absolutely be as. Now I've got
on this podcast. We've got camel and tuned into PPS.
Now this is my age old pet people. We're gonna
start with this and it's a pretty good jumping up point.
You've probably seen. Back in the day, there was a
channel called QVC. My problem is QGC, not QVC. My
(02:16):
problem is QGC as in quarterbacks, gifts cameras. It is
everywhere this time of the year, throwing lights in action
if you want. It's the annual look at me, I'm generous.
I have a lot of money, I buy really nice gifts.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
But it's look at me, I'm generous.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
The Bowl sponsored by Ring Lights and brand managers from
c They're shining Sea. Every quarterback in the league turns
into Santa Claus old Saint Nick. But not the small Santa,
the kind that you see at the mall or when
I was sitting my fat ass on the back of
a fire truck. Not the bad Santa image of the
(02:59):
cigarette bray, the depressed, down on their luck, smell like regret,
have sad cup of coffee in their hand. Not that
this is Santa with the PR department. This is Santa
with a social media coordinator. It is Santa with a
three point lighting setup and a boom bike covering like
(03:20):
it's an episode they're filming of Hard Knocks, the c
SE edition Community Service Edition. Ho ho smash that like button. Now,
I'm gonna tell you right now. I fully blame my
dearly departed parents. They raised me on the radical, absolutely
(03:40):
radical idea that true charity should be anonymous, and I
blame them. That is, if you're doing something nice and
immediately have to tell everyone about it, maybe that's a
weasel word. You're not doing it for the right reasons, dumb,
dumb your jackwagon. Now, real generosity is doing something nice
(04:02):
for someone who will never find out. Not doing it
because you want to get likes on Facebook or a
bunch of views on TikTok, not for Instagram validation, just
because it's the right thing to do.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
God forbid.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
How will people know that you're a good person if
you don't tell them, You have to show them.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
It's a sickness. This is empty social media friendly generosity.
It's ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
It's philanthropathy that boosts the giver's social capital more than
the cause itself. It's not PBS, it's PPS. We're all
tuned into PPS. That's performative philanthropic syndrome. These charity events
have better production. I'm telling you, better pressure value than
(04:52):
half the stuff Netflix screen lights.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I've always hey this.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
I remember when I first got on the media business
and I was on the email list for all the
teams in in LA, and I remember the Lakers would
send out a press release this goes back to like
the nineties, and they'd be like Nick van Exel's handing
out turkeys at the shelter. He'll be there from two
to two thirty photo op and then he'll do a
(05:16):
ten minute of media availability after that. And they said
this out, I mean all the teams do it. I
just mentioned Lakers, but they all did it because they
wanted to get on the eleven o'clock news back when
people watch the news. Of course, now that's been taken
to the next level. We're at the point where quarterback
gift reveal, which goes on all of us. It looks
like a gender reveal party for a Lamborghini QB number
(05:38):
one playing Santa is not new, all right, it's not new.
This has been around for generations. Literally, it used to
be quiet, it used to be subtle. It did it
was under the radar. Is it true that Joe Montana
is credited as the innovator In the nineteen eighties, he
(06:00):
gave his forty nine er offensive lineman Rolex watches.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I was back in the late eighties early nineties. There
were no.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Cameras, there was no hashtags, couldn't be There was no
makeup chair.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
They didn't have a sound guy.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Just hey, big fella, thanks for keeping me alive and
helping the Niners win the Super Bowl. Here's a nice
expensive watch. Now Montana was doing charity like a mob boss.
Here's your envelope. Just nod walk away.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
That's it. Manila envelope, nod walk away. That's all.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Then came the person who is believed to be Patient zero,
Dan the man Dan Marino, Dolphin's legend from the nineteen eighties.
He was Patient zero, the invasive species, the man who
(06:54):
turned gratitude into attitude and an advertised campaign. And if
you're old that you know of those iconic Isotona glove commercials.
I give them to protect the hands that protect me.
Boom goes to dynamite and now we're selling gloves and
(07:15):
virtue and you can thank number thirteen in your teal
dolphin uniform, Dan Marino. That was the moment that charity
jumped the shark right there, Boom, Shaka laka, or put
the shark in branded gloves if you want.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Since then, we have literally witnessed.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
In my lifetime in arms race, not arms, watches, cars, bikes, swords.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
We're talking cutlery, actual medieval weaponry.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Quarterbacks one upping each other like it's a pissing contest,
and it's like they're yacht owners elbowing each other at
Monaco Happy Hour. I'll see your rolex and raise you
a Toyota Tacoma. What so here as we wind down,
twenty twenty five, we reached full absurdity. Brock Party Brock Perty,
(08:07):
the forty nine er quarterback who I believe is a
brand ambassador for Toyota handing out trucks now. Last year
he handed out a bunch of cars to his teammates.
This year it's families in Need, which is genuinely kind.
I'm not here to say that that's not kind. It's
also filmed, edited, packaged, released in a neat bow with
(08:32):
background music that sounds like a pharmaceutical commercial. Just have
to add to tagline. Ask your doctor if generosity is
right for you. Josh Allen gave the Bills offensive line
a quarter of a cow.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
We talked about that.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
Spaccoli said, that's one hundred to one hundred and fifty
pounds of meat. Still, why not just buy the whole cow?
Why only a quarter? I bought a cow, or just
say you bought a cow. It's not a gift, it's
it's a ranch. Just give the person the ranch. That's
not a stocking stuffer. By the way, that's some kind
of agriculture policy. I don't know what it is, but
(09:07):
that cow has more job security than the most NFL
running backs, and we know where that cow is getting
end up. Jared Goff of course had to announce it.
He gave luxury golf carts to his buddies. There Aaron
Rodgers of the Steelers gave out some kind of luxury
off road vehicle. So nothing says thanks for protecting me,
(09:28):
like a vehicle like that. That golf cart thing like
a vehicle. You use that to walk, you know, to
save twelve steps. I'm going to take my golf cart.
I do love the visual, though offensive linemen for the
Lions riding around like their retired Florida snowbirds in their
golf cart on some little island off the coast of Florida.
And then there's Patrick Mahomes, who what a humdinger, Good
(09:52):
old Patrick Mahomes. Here Mahomes went full black Friday at
the Mall of America. Luxury watches were with more than
some people's homes, e bikes, indoor golf simulators, headphones, AI, sunglasses,
I'm not done suitcases. It looked like the prize table
backstage at the price is right, we can bring back
(10:15):
Bob Barker and it's like he had a Super Bowl
ring or something like that. But everyone pretends that this
is about gratitude and not about branding. And this is
another one of those parts of the story that makes
me a little.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Itchy and scratchy.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Itchy and scratchy, because none of this, none of these things,
is really for the linemen. They're already rich, they can
buy whatever they want, they're already set. This is not
back in the old days in the NFL when guys
had jobs in the off season. They're already driving nicer cars.
And I'll ever even put my nose in. This isn't generosity.
(10:53):
It's pageantry. It's gratitude, kabuki theaters what it is. It's applause, farming,
all of that. It's charity, wearing shoulder pads and yelling.
Don't forget to tag me. If you want to do
something meaningful, if you really do, and it's great, you
should do that, do it quietly. Pay off someone's mortgage
you got the money, help a family who will never
(11:14):
know your name, write a check, and don't tell the internet.
That's real generosity. It can be done, it was done
for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
That's doing the right thing. When there's no scoreboard.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
That's how that's how you get it done instead, Well.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
What about the algorithm. I get rewarded by the algorithm.
You wouldn't reward me with the algorithm. I want to
be rewarded by the algorithm. That's the problem.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
We've turned kindness into content, compassion into a clip on
the internet, a highlight reel. Every good deed needs a
drone shot and a slow motion hug. Now, no one
is more egregious in this department than Russell Wilson. Now
Russ is no longer a starting quarterback, so I assume
he doesn't have to worry about getting gifts. But Russ,
(12:02):
he always had a camera crew.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
He used to go to the.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Children's hospital all the time. And how do we know that?
Because he always had a camera guy. He had a
lighting guy, a sound guy, a makeup team.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
So it seemed, and.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
You want to do that, but you want people to
hear about it because of word of mouth. Like Kobe
Bryant when he died burned up in the helicopter crash,
all these stories came out that Kobe would quietly go
to hospitals around southern California and elsewhere to see kids.
He did not have a camera crew. He didn't post
about it on social media. Ninety five percent of the time,
(12:40):
he just did it. It was a good deed that
needed to be done. You didn't need to get a
drone shot and a slow motion hug shot.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You didn't need that.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Santa Claus Force now has an agent. And look, I'm
not saying. I'm not saying these quarterbacks are bad people.
I'm not, and you can take me out of context
if you want. They're not villains. They are just products
of the zeitgeist of the times. This is the system
that confuses attention with impact. And it's not just in sports,
but we do a plausibly a sports show where it's
(13:12):
where charity without witness doesn't count. These guys have been
raised that way. I was raised differently. Who knows who's right.
I believe I'm right they were raised. We're giving quietly
feels like a missed opportunity in today's NFL. If a
good deed happens and nobody posted, did it even happen?
(13:34):
That's the silliness of this. Because generosity should not sound
like a press conference. It shouldn't need graphics a chiron,
it shouldn't trend. The best charity doesn't spike engagement, it
changes lives in silence, less ring lights, and more heart.
The loudest kindness is usually the emptiest and the real
(13:55):
good stuff that happens off camera when no one's watching.
We know we are in the minority, but that's just
my position turning the page. So by request, several of
you emailed me this week saying, can you tell me
more about the party? I like the photos. We did
post some photos. Thank you for liking the photos. A
few of you took shots at me. That's fine, but
(14:17):
we did post some photos on Instagram and Facebook, so
check that out. But it was that time of the
year when the calendar exhales, when the days feel like
a jukebox stuck on nostalgia, and when grown adults convinced
themselves that calories are merely a suggestion. We must celebrate
good times. Come on now, gota celebrate. So as twenty
(14:39):
twenty five wobbled towards the exit and just memory like
a barb patron wobbling out who insists he's fine to drive,
and we decided to throw a party now, not just
any party, a rebrand because if you don't evolve, you fossilize,
(14:59):
someone said somewhere along the way, and nobody. Nobody wants
to be a pain in the tukis and be a
dinosaur in an ugly sweater. So thus the malar ugly
Sweater Christmas Party was officially retired to mothballs. Its number
was raised to the rafters high above the garden, replaced
(15:21):
by the Mallard Christmas pajama jam, which is a fancy
way of saying, show up dressed like you've already given
up on the day. Pajamas. Now I've seen kids today
they go to school in pajamas. That was not allowed
back in my day. Pajamas. If you want in pajamas,
they'd send you home. Now they encourage it. Pajamas are honest.
(15:41):
Pajamas tell the truth. Pajamas say I am here for comfort,
not for your approval. Ugly sweaters were so twenty twenty
four and before pajamas are the future soft forgiving the
elastic waistband comfort when you eat too much. Leading up
to last weekend, it was part already prep Central, which
(16:02):
means activating Benny the Baker, a man who treats dessert
like Michael Angelo treated marble. Benny the baker obsessed with baking.
Now we went deep in the recipe bag, the one
that has flour stains and emotional support. Butter turning the
butter cookies in the air, ev or you wear homemade
(16:24):
chocolate chip. We had sprinkles, the Christmas and Hankkah varieties,
Honeka for the tribe, white chocolate, macadamia nut Mallard style.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Those are my favorite.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Blueberry blast cookies with real blueberries that looked innocent but
packed a surprise, like a trick play on a third
and short, the old hook and ladder, and the crown
jewel of the cookie parade, the malar Oui gooey cinnamon
roll cookie, which is essentially a cinnabn. It's basically cinnabon
(16:57):
after grad school, little chunks of the middle part of
the cinnamon.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Role mixed in the cookie.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
And these weren't cookies so much as a baked philosophy
chunks at just those matching those ooi gooey chunks of
cinnamon role mixed right from the center.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Man' is that good?
Speaker 3 (17:13):
That's not subtle, that's not apologetic, that's decadence with its
chest out brownies followed, because sometimes you just need a
classic rock song to balance the playlist, and there's nothing
quite as classic then A big plate of delicious Giridelli
brownies from Danny's family business, and just absolutely wonderful, just
(17:37):
absolutely great. Now for the main food event, I did
what any rational middle aged person would do.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
I left early.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
I hopped into the malamobile and went turbo time and
drove until I reached the Holy Land, the mecca raising canes,
ding ding ding, ding ding, And I returned in the
malamobile with not one, not two, but three bags the
size roughly, I don't want to be too dramatic here,
the size of the state of Rhode Island, filled with
(18:08):
chicken fingers, so pleasant and so plentiful, they made everyone smile.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
They actually required their own sensus. They were so big.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
And you know it's a big party when you're dusting
off the credit card for hundreds of pieces of finger
licking Sorry, KFC, this is finger licking chicken. Of course,
it's chicken fingers. Now, Cane sauce flowed like a river
of dreams. I'm pretty sure that they gave me a
lifetime supply, or at least enough to survive a mild apocalypse.
(18:40):
So if we have another pandemic, you all are on
your own. You can go get your water, and you
tore the paper and your little mask and knock yourself out.
I'm just gonna enjoy my lifetime supply of Caine's Caniac sauce.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Now.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
My wife, meanwhile, she executed her signature move at these parties.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
The nacho bar. That's our fastball.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
That's the gas tortilla chip stacked as tall as the Himalayas,
toppings everywhere, a choose your own adventure of melted cheese
and optimism. Add in random snacks such as m and
ms and pretzels orbiting the room like asteroids, and suddenly
the house felt like a cruise ship.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Now I've never actually been.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
On a cruise ship other than the Queen Mary, but
in my head from those that have gone, they tell
me that it's just gluttony.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
It's just gluttony, and so we had that.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
It was like a cruise ship buffet where discipline goes
to die, goes to die. The alcohol situation, let's call
it what it is. It was temptation island is what
it was. You got whiskey to the right vocular the left.
You got gin in the middle and bourbon in the air.
Everywhere there was beer stacked like sandbags. In case there
(19:51):
was a flash flood. You had mixers standing by like
cranberry and orange for support.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Of course.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Now radio people those are my people, and law enforcement
those are my wife's people.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
They don't just sip. They commit all.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
They go for it. Our party philosophy is simple. It's
carved into the stone tablets, Eat, drink and be merry
for tomorrow we may die. I still intermitte fast, even
over the holidays.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
I do. I don't pause that. I still do it.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
However, I do believe in the mantra are aa mantra
rare and appropriate. Rare and appropriate feasting isn't just allowed,
it is encouraged.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
You gotta do it. It's like, you know, everyone's a babushka.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
You got to eat your finish your food, finish your
enjoy life before the pearly gates start checking ideas. All
right now, the guest list was a beautiful melting pot,
not cheese fondue.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Not cheese fondu. Something better, something better.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
We've had a bunch of different eras of my career
been at Fox Sports, radio for over twenty five years,
and all of these different eras of Fox Sports Radio
blending together like a playlist on shot.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
You had the radio lifers like me.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
You had people that are no longer in radio, that
used to be in radio, people that did their time,
are retired now old friends, relatively new friends. People who
I've done shows with, people I've never did shows with,
people who I've shared studios. As I said, microphones, dead air, cockroaches,
parachuting down, parachuting down from the ceiling. One of the
(21:22):
highlights was Bobo on the radio, who drove from what
felt like a million miles away. I haven't seen Bobo
in a while, despite having a newborn baby a at home. Now,
let me tell you something. I want to bring this up.
That's commitment. Most people have kids. I'm convinced specifically to
(21:45):
avoid parties. I would do it too. It's the nuclear option,
It's the get out of party free clause. And Bobo
went above that. I remember Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
It is that famous things that you can't question the
kid card, right, Oh, I have a kid, can't go
to the party, right, And so for Bobo to have
(22:10):
that in his pocket and I don't even see him
on a day I don't work with any and for
him not to play it Hall of Fame Bobo on
the radio Hall of Fame.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Seriously, I was like, so cool.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
So many people I know that I can't go, I
got a kid, whatever, and I'm like, what.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
I'm fine, But here's Bubba's I want to go. I
want to hang out.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
So the competitive peak of the night came courtesy of
a game called Left Right Center. I've talked about it before.
Left Right Center a game so pure it laughs. At Intelligence,
we busted out old poker chips like sacred artifacts. Now,
it doesn't matter if you're sober, sober, little tipsy, little tipsy,
or floating somewhere above the room. You could have an
(22:51):
IQ of forty or be the valed Victorian of Harvard.
It doesn't matter. The game does not discriminate. Chaos is
the great equalizer. So we played that. We had a
we had a good game. Rob Parker was there, Jason Smith,
Mike Harmon, Bobo, a bunch of people, and the Clipper
game was flickering on the TV in the background noise
(23:15):
until it wasn't The morbid Clippers having a miserable season.
Throwback Season took care of business. They silenced the Laker
fans who have been chirping so much this year. Purple
and Gold historians left with nothing but excuses and empty cups.
I kind of enjoyed that, not that I paid much
attention to the game now, as an introvert by nature,
(23:38):
a social camel. That's right, I am a camel, a
social camel who prefers small SIPs. This is an awkward night.
The malar used to be ugly sweater party. Now it's
the pajama jam. However, for a few hours I shell
that and became a pinball. I bounced from conversation the conversation,
(24:01):
rickocheting off memories, telling old radio stories that range from
safe harbor for some, safer broadcast, and absolutely not can
never be told into a microphone. We time traveled salad
days many people call them. Not for me, no salad,
No salad was consumed mine where the drive through days,
(24:21):
KFC Burger King, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, in and Out, Wendy's
beef ball, cheese steaks everywhere, A culinary resume built on
asphalt and ambition.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Back in my big eating days.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
So the night ended the right way, sobering up, doing
the responsible thing, driving my friend Artie back to his
hotel so he could crash for a few hours and
get ready for the NFL. Because closure matters. So the
first ever Malard Christmas pajama jam thingamajig or what you
ma call it was a roaring success, a reminder that
(24:56):
community beats perfection, that comfort can be revolutionary, and that
sometimes sometimes the best memories are made in pajamas, holding
a chicken finger in one hand, rolling the dice in
the other and laughing like tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
I cannot wait.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
For the twenty twenty six version, although we have to
wait roughly a year. Same philosophy, right, same chaos, same sauce.
Will it have the same name? Developing hot dot dot dot.
Stay tuned, all right, have a wonderful Friday. Don't forget
about Benny Versus the Penny. We are doing this show.
(25:36):
There are obviously games on Saturday. That's one episode. There'll
be another episode up later today that covers all the
games on Sunday, every game against the spread. It's Benny
Versus the Penny. It's on YouTube global platform. Myself and
Tom Looney. We hope you'll consume the product and enjoy
the product. It was a lot of fun doing the
(25:57):
shows this week with Looney and again have more Fifth
Hour podcast over the weekend, and have a wonderful day today,
and we will catch you tomorrow. Tomorrow. I'm told it's
another day. I'm told it's another day. So what's Danny's Oh,
that's right, asta pasta later skater, But I'm not a skater.
(26:20):
I like the extended wiener.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
I'm not all right. We'll catch you next time. Gotta murder,
I gotta go.
Cut booms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
It's a clearing house of hot takes. Break free for
something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
In the air everywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Maler and Danny g
Radio A Happy Friday to you the day after the
big holiday, the Christmas Holiday. Why am I doing this podcast?
I am away from the radio. I'll tell you why.
I'm a glutton for punishment. And a podcast is much
easier than a four hour radio show. A podcast is
(00:54):
twenty five or thirty minutes and that's it, and you
can do it whenever you want to explain this to people.
I have friends of mine that are doing podcasts and
some of them never did radio, and I try to
point out.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
That is it a brag? I guess it's a brag.
Speaker 3 (01:10):
I just the live radio show is a much bigger
endeavor than a podcast. People get offended by that. Just
the reality of the situation. Nonetheless, it is Boxing Day today,
and so I figured what better way to celebrate Boxing
Day than to do this podcast. And really, every day
is Boxing Day at the Malor Mansion. My wife is
(01:33):
now pretty much one hundred percent an online shopper, and
that's it just more convenient, and we have box after
box after box after box, so many boxes. Every day
is Boxing Day. It's time to hop on the bully
pulpit because there's a thing happening in the NFL every
(01:55):
December that drives me absolutely be as. Now I've got
on this podcast. We've got camel and tuned into PPS.
Now this is my age old pet people. We're gonna
start with this and it's a pretty good jumping up point.
You've probably seen. Back in the day, there was a
channel called QVC. My problem is QGC, not QVC. My
(02:16):
problem is QGC as in quarterbacks, gifts cameras. It is
everywhere this time of the year, throwing lights in action
if you want. It's the annual look at me, I'm generous.
I have a lot of money, I buy really nice gifts.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
But it's look at me, I'm generous.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
The Bowl sponsored by Ring Lights and brand managers from
c They're shining Sea. Every quarterback in the league turns
into Santa Claus old Saint Nick. But not the small Santa,
the kind that you see at the mall or when
I was sitting my fat ass on the back of
a fire truck. Not the bad Santa image of the
(02:59):
cigarette bray, the depressed, down on their luck, smell like regret,
have sad cup of coffee in their hand. Not that
this is Santa with the PR department. This is Santa
with a social media coordinator. It is Santa with a
three point lighting setup and a boom bike covering like
(03:20):
it's an episode they're filming of Hard Knocks, the c
SE edition Community Service Edition. Ho ho smash that like button. Now,
I'm gonna tell you right now. I fully blame my
dearly departed parents. They raised me on the radical, absolutely
(03:40):
radical idea that true charity should be anonymous, and I
blame them. That is, if you're doing something nice and
immediately have to tell everyone about it, maybe that's a
weasel word. You're not doing it for the right reasons, dumb,
dumb your jackwagon. Now, real generosity is doing something nice
(04:02):
for someone who will never find out. Not doing it
because you want to get likes on Facebook or a
bunch of views on TikTok, not for Instagram validation, just
because it's the right thing to do.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
God forbid.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
How will people know that you're a good person if
you don't tell them, You have to show them.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
It's a sickness. This is empty social media friendly generosity.
It's ridiculous.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
It's philanthropathy that boosts the giver's social capital more than
the cause itself. It's not PBS, it's PPS. We're all
tuned into PPS. That's performative philanthropic syndrome. These charity events
have better production. I'm telling you, better pressure value than
(04:52):
half the stuff Netflix screen lights.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
I've always hey this.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
I remember when I first got on the media business
and I was on the email list for all the
teams in in LA, and I remember the Lakers would
send out a press release this goes back to like
the nineties, and they'd be like Nick van Exel's handing
out turkeys at the shelter. He'll be there from two
to two thirty photo op and then he'll do a
(05:16):
ten minute of media availability after that. And they said
this out, I mean all the teams do it. I
just mentioned Lakers, but they all did it because they
wanted to get on the eleven o'clock news back when
people watch the news. Of course, now that's been taken
to the next level. We're at the point where quarterback
gift reveal, which goes on all of us. It looks
like a gender reveal party for a Lamborghini QB number
(05:38):
one playing Santa is not new, all right, it's not new.
This has been around for generations. Literally, it used to
be quiet, it used to be subtle. It did it
was under the radar. Is it true that Joe Montana
is credited as the innovator In the nineteen eighties, he
(06:00):
gave his forty nine er offensive lineman Rolex watches.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I was back in the late eighties early nineties. There
were no.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Cameras, there was no hashtags, couldn't be There was no
makeup chair.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
They didn't have a sound guy.
Speaker 3 (06:15):
Just hey, big fella, thanks for keeping me alive and
helping the Niners win the Super Bowl. Here's a nice
expensive watch. Now Montana was doing charity like a mob boss.
Here's your envelope. Just nod walk away.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
That's it. Manila envelope, nod walk away. That's all.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
Then came the person who is believed to be Patient zero,
Dan the man Dan Marino, Dolphin's legend from the nineteen eighties.
He was Patient zero, the invasive species, the man who
(06:54):
turned gratitude into attitude and an advertised campaign. And if
you're old that you know of those iconic Isotona glove commercials.
I give them to protect the hands that protect me.
Boom goes to dynamite and now we're selling gloves and
(07:15):
virtue and you can thank number thirteen in your teal
dolphin uniform, Dan Marino. That was the moment that charity
jumped the shark right there, Boom, Shaka laka, or put
the shark in branded gloves if you want.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Since then, we have literally witnessed.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
In my lifetime in arms race, not arms, watches, cars, bikes, swords.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
We're talking cutlery, actual medieval weaponry.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Quarterbacks one upping each other like it's a pissing contest,
and it's like they're yacht owners elbowing each other at
Monaco Happy Hour. I'll see your rolex and raise you
a Toyota Tacoma. What so here as we wind down,
twenty twenty five, we reached full absurdity. Brock Party Brock Perty,
(08:07):
the forty nine er quarterback who I believe is a
brand ambassador for Toyota handing out trucks now. Last year
he handed out a bunch of cars to his teammates.
This year it's families in Need, which is genuinely kind.
I'm not here to say that that's not kind. It's
also filmed, edited, packaged, released in a neat bow with
(08:32):
background music that sounds like a pharmaceutical commercial. Just have
to add to tagline. Ask your doctor if generosity is
right for you. Josh Allen gave the Bills offensive line
a quarter of a cow.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
We talked about that.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
Spaccoli said, that's one hundred to one hundred and fifty
pounds of meat. Still, why not just buy the whole cow?
Why only a quarter? I bought a cow, or just
say you bought a cow. It's not a gift, it's
it's a ranch. Just give the person the ranch. That's
not a stocking stuffer. By the way, that's some kind
of agriculture policy. I don't know what it is, but
(09:07):
that cow has more job security than the most NFL
running backs, and we know where that cow is getting
end up. Jared Goff of course had to announce it.
He gave luxury golf carts to his buddies. There Aaron
Rodgers of the Steelers gave out some kind of luxury
off road vehicle. So nothing says thanks for protecting me,
(09:28):
like a vehicle like that. That golf cart thing like
a vehicle. You use that to walk, you know, to
save twelve steps. I'm going to take my golf cart.
I do love the visual, though offensive linemen for the
Lions riding around like their retired Florida snowbirds in their
golf cart on some little island off the coast of Florida.
And then there's Patrick Mahomes, who what a humdinger, Good
(09:52):
old Patrick Mahomes. Here Mahomes went full black Friday at
the Mall of America. Luxury watches were with more than
some people's homes, e bikes, indoor golf simulators, headphones, AI, sunglasses,
I'm not done suitcases. It looked like the prize table
backstage at the price is right, we can bring back
(10:15):
Bob Barker and it's like he had a Super Bowl
ring or something like that. But everyone pretends that this
is about gratitude and not about branding. And this is
another one of those parts of the story that makes
me a little.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Itchy and scratchy.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Itchy and scratchy, because none of this, none of these things,
is really for the linemen. They're already rich, they can
buy whatever they want, they're already set. This is not
back in the old days in the NFL when guys
had jobs in the off season. They're already driving nicer cars.
And I'll ever even put my nose in. This isn't generosity.
(10:53):
It's pageantry. It's gratitude, kabuki theaters what it is. It's applause, farming,
all of that. It's charity, wearing shoulder pads and yelling.
Don't forget to tag me. If you want to do
something meaningful, if you really do, and it's great, you
should do that, do it quietly. Pay off someone's mortgage
you got the money, help a family who will never
(11:14):
know your name, write a check, and don't tell the internet.
That's real generosity. It can be done, it was done
for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
That's doing the right thing. When there's no scoreboard.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
That's how that's how you get it done instead, Well.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
What about the algorithm. I get rewarded by the algorithm.
You wouldn't reward me with the algorithm. I want to
be rewarded by the algorithm. That's the problem.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
We've turned kindness into content, compassion into a clip on
the internet, a highlight reel. Every good deed needs a
drone shot and a slow motion hug. Now, no one
is more egregious in this department than Russell Wilson. Now
Russ is no longer a starting quarterback, so I assume
he doesn't have to worry about getting gifts. But Russ,
(12:02):
he always had a camera crew.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
He used to go to the.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
Children's hospital all the time. And how do we know that?
Because he always had a camera guy. He had a
lighting guy, a sound guy, a makeup team.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
So it seemed, and.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
You want to do that, but you want people to
hear about it because of word of mouth. Like Kobe
Bryant when he died burned up in the helicopter crash,
all these stories came out that Kobe would quietly go
to hospitals around southern California and elsewhere to see kids.
He did not have a camera crew. He didn't post
about it on social media. Ninety five percent of the time,
(12:40):
he just did it. It was a good deed that
needed to be done. You didn't need to get a
drone shot and a slow motion hug shot.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You didn't need that.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Santa Claus Force now has an agent. And look, I'm
not saying. I'm not saying these quarterbacks are bad people.
I'm not, and you can take me out of context
if you want. They're not villains. They are just products
of the zeitgeist of the times. This is the system
that confuses attention with impact. And it's not just in sports,
but we do a plausibly a sports show where it's
(13:12):
where charity without witness doesn't count. These guys have been
raised that way. I was raised differently. Who knows who's right.
I believe I'm right they were raised. We're giving quietly
feels like a missed opportunity in today's NFL. If a
good deed happens and nobody posted, did it even happen?
(13:34):
That's the silliness of this. Because generosity should not sound
like a press conference. It shouldn't need graphics a chiron,
it shouldn't trend. The best charity doesn't spike engagement, it
changes lives in silence, less ring lights, and more heart.
The loudest kindness is usually the emptiest and the real
(13:55):
good stuff that happens off camera when no one's watching.
We know we are in the minority, but that's just
my position turning the page. So by request, several of
you emailed me this week saying, can you tell me
more about the party? I like the photos. We did
post some photos. Thank you for liking the photos. A
few of you took shots at me. That's fine, but
(14:17):
we did post some photos on Instagram and Facebook, so
check that out. But it was that time of the
year when the calendar exhales, when the days feel like
a jukebox stuck on nostalgia, and when grown adults convinced
themselves that calories are merely a suggestion. We must celebrate
good times. Come on now, gota celebrate. So as twenty
(14:39):
twenty five wobbled towards the exit and just memory like
a barb patron wobbling out who insists he's fine to drive,
and we decided to throw a party now, not just
any party, a rebrand because if you don't evolve, you fossilize,
(14:59):
someone said somewhere along the way, and nobody. Nobody wants
to be a pain in the tukis and be a
dinosaur in an ugly sweater. So thus the malar ugly
Sweater Christmas Party was officially retired to mothballs. Its number
was raised to the rafters high above the garden, replaced
(15:21):
by the Mallard Christmas pajama jam, which is a fancy
way of saying, show up dressed like you've already given
up on the day. Pajamas. Now I've seen kids today
they go to school in pajamas. That was not allowed
back in my day. Pajamas. If you want in pajamas,
they'd send you home. Now they encourage it. Pajamas are honest.
(15:41):
Pajamas tell the truth. Pajamas say I am here for comfort,
not for your approval. Ugly sweaters were so twenty twenty
four and before pajamas are the future soft forgiving the
elastic waistband comfort when you eat too much. Leading up
to last weekend, it was part already prep Central, which
(16:02):
means activating Benny the Baker, a man who treats dessert
like Michael Angelo treated marble. Benny the baker obsessed with baking.
Now we went deep in the recipe bag, the one
that has flour stains and emotional support. Butter turning the
butter cookies in the air, ev or you wear homemade
(16:24):
chocolate chip. We had sprinkles, the Christmas and Hankkah varieties,
Honeka for the tribe, white chocolate, macadamia nut Mallard style.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
Those are my favorite.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Blueberry blast cookies with real blueberries that looked innocent but
packed a surprise, like a trick play on a third
and short, the old hook and ladder, and the crown
jewel of the cookie parade, the malar Oui gooey cinnamon
roll cookie, which is essentially a cinnabn. It's basically cinnabon
(16:57):
after grad school, little chunks of the middle part of
the cinnamon.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Role mixed in the cookie.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
And these weren't cookies so much as a baked philosophy
chunks at just those matching those ooi gooey chunks of
cinnamon role mixed right from the center.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Man' is that good?
Speaker 3 (17:13):
That's not subtle, that's not apologetic, that's decadence with its
chest out brownies followed, because sometimes you just need a
classic rock song to balance the playlist, and there's nothing
quite as classic then A big plate of delicious Giridelli
brownies from Danny's family business, and just absolutely wonderful, just
(17:37):
absolutely great. Now for the main food event, I did
what any rational middle aged person would do.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
I left early.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
I hopped into the malamobile and went turbo time and
drove until I reached the Holy Land, the mecca raising canes,
ding ding ding, ding ding, And I returned in the
malamobile with not one, not two, but three bags the
size roughly, I don't want to be too dramatic here,
the size of the state of Rhode Island, filled with
(18:08):
chicken fingers, so pleasant and so plentiful, they made everyone smile.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
They actually required their own sensus. They were so big.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
And you know it's a big party when you're dusting
off the credit card for hundreds of pieces of finger
licking Sorry, KFC, this is finger licking chicken. Of course,
it's chicken fingers. Now, Cane sauce flowed like a river
of dreams. I'm pretty sure that they gave me a
lifetime supply, or at least enough to survive a mild apocalypse.
(18:40):
So if we have another pandemic, you all are on
your own. You can go get your water, and you
tore the paper and your little mask and knock yourself out.
I'm just gonna enjoy my lifetime supply of Caine's Caniac sauce.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Now.
Speaker 3 (18:53):
My wife, meanwhile, she executed her signature move at these parties.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
The nacho bar. That's our fastball.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
That's the gas tortilla chip stacked as tall as the Himalayas,
toppings everywhere, a choose your own adventure of melted cheese
and optimism. Add in random snacks such as m and
ms and pretzels orbiting the room like asteroids, and suddenly
the house felt like a cruise ship.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Now I've never actually been.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
On a cruise ship other than the Queen Mary, but
in my head from those that have gone, they tell
me that it's just gluttony.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
It's just gluttony, and so we had that.
Speaker 3 (19:31):
It was like a cruise ship buffet where discipline goes
to die, goes to die. The alcohol situation, let's call
it what it is. It was temptation island is what
it was. You got whiskey to the right vocular the left.
You got gin in the middle and bourbon in the air.
Everywhere there was beer stacked like sandbags. In case there
(19:51):
was a flash flood. You had mixers standing by like
cranberry and orange for support.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Of course.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
Now radio people those are my people, and law enforcement
those are my wife's people.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
They don't just sip. They commit all.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
They go for it. Our party philosophy is simple. It's
carved into the stone tablets, Eat, drink and be merry
for tomorrow we may die. I still intermitte fast, even
over the holidays.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
I do. I don't pause that. I still do it.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
However, I do believe in the mantra are aa mantra
rare and appropriate. Rare and appropriate feasting isn't just allowed,
it is encouraged.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
You gotta do it. It's like, you know, everyone's a babushka.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
You got to eat your finish your food, finish your
enjoy life before the pearly gates start checking ideas. All
right now, the guest list was a beautiful melting pot,
not cheese fondue.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
Not cheese fondu. Something better, something better.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
We've had a bunch of different eras of my career
been at Fox Sports, radio for over twenty five years,
and all of these different eras of Fox Sports Radio
blending together like a playlist on shot.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
You had the radio lifers like me.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
You had people that are no longer in radio, that
used to be in radio, people that did their time,
are retired now old friends, relatively new friends. People who
I've done shows with, people I've never did shows with,
people who I've shared studios. As I said, microphones, dead air, cockroaches,
parachuting down, parachuting down from the ceiling. One of the
(21:22):
highlights was Bobo on the radio, who drove from what
felt like a million miles away. I haven't seen Bobo
in a while, despite having a newborn baby a at home. Now,
let me tell you something. I want to bring this up.
That's commitment. Most people have kids. I'm convinced specifically to
(21:45):
avoid parties. I would do it too. It's the nuclear option,
It's the get out of party free clause. And Bobo
went above that. I remember Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
It is that famous things that you can't question the
kid card, right, Oh, I have a kid, can't go
to the party, right, And so for Bobo to have
(22:10):
that in his pocket and I don't even see him
on a day I don't work with any and for
him not to play it Hall of Fame Bobo on
the radio Hall of Fame.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Seriously, I was like, so cool.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
So many people I know that I can't go, I
got a kid, whatever, and I'm like, what.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
I'm fine, But here's Bubba's I want to go. I
want to hang out.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
So the competitive peak of the night came courtesy of
a game called Left Right Center. I've talked about it before.
Left Right Center a game so pure it laughs. At Intelligence,
we busted out old poker chips like sacred artifacts. Now,
it doesn't matter if you're sober, sober, little tipsy, little tipsy,
or floating somewhere above the room. You could have an
(22:51):
IQ of forty or be the valed Victorian of Harvard.
It doesn't matter. The game does not discriminate. Chaos is
the great equalizer. So we played that. We had a
we had a good game. Rob Parker was there, Jason Smith,
Mike Harmon, Bobo, a bunch of people, and the Clipper
game was flickering on the TV in the background noise
(23:15):
until it wasn't The morbid Clippers having a miserable season.
Throwback Season took care of business. They silenced the Laker
fans who have been chirping so much this year. Purple
and Gold historians left with nothing but excuses and empty cups.
I kind of enjoyed that, not that I paid much
attention to the game now, as an introvert by nature,
(23:38):
a social camel. That's right, I am a camel, a
social camel who prefers small SIPs. This is an awkward night.
The malar used to be ugly sweater party. Now it's
the pajama jam. However, for a few hours I shell
that and became a pinball. I bounced from conversation the conversation,
(24:01):
rickocheting off memories, telling old radio stories that range from
safe harbor for some, safer broadcast, and absolutely not can
never be told into a microphone. We time traveled salad
days many people call them. Not for me, no salad,
No salad was consumed mine where the drive through days,
(24:21):
KFC Burger King, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, in and Out, Wendy's
beef ball, cheese steaks everywhere, A culinary resume built on
asphalt and ambition.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Back in my big eating days.
Speaker 3 (24:34):
So the night ended the right way, sobering up, doing
the responsible thing, driving my friend Artie back to his
hotel so he could crash for a few hours and
get ready for the NFL. Because closure matters. So the
first ever Malard Christmas pajama jam thingamajig or what you
ma call it was a roaring success, a reminder that
(24:56):
community beats perfection, that comfort can be revolutionary, and that
sometimes sometimes the best memories are made in pajamas, holding
a chicken finger in one hand, rolling the dice in
the other and laughing like tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
I cannot wait.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
For the twenty twenty six version, although we have to
wait roughly a year. Same philosophy, right, same chaos, same sauce.
Will it have the same name? Developing hot dot dot dot.
Stay tuned, all right, have a wonderful Friday. Don't forget
about Benny Versus the Penny. We are doing this show.
(25:36):
There are obviously games on Saturday. That's one episode. There'll
be another episode up later today that covers all the
games on Sunday, every game against the spread. It's Benny
Versus the Penny. It's on YouTube global platform. Myself and
Tom Looney. We hope you'll consume the product and enjoy
the product. It was a lot of fun doing the
(25:57):
shows this week with Looney and again have more Fifth
Hour podcast over the weekend, and have a wonderful day today,
and we will catch you tomorrow. Tomorrow. I'm told it's
another day. I'm told it's another day. So what's Danny's Oh,
that's right, asta pasta later skater, But I'm not a skater.
(26:20):
I like the extended wiener.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
I'm not all right. We'll catch you next time. Gotta murder,
I gotta go.
Host
Ben Maller
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