Mobile Containment

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic a sole fashion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse. The clearing House of Hot
takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with

(00:23):
Ben Maller starts right now. Yes that it does. As
we are in the air everywhere the vast power of
the I Heart Global Podcasting Department. Here you can hear
this podcast literally anywhere in the globe, and we are
providing you marginal entertainment over your long, boring weekend because

(00:49):
you have to practice social distancing and we will restore
your life to order unless we don't. But I am
joined as always by the deadweight that is David gask On,
who is in the house in the as this is uh.
You know, it was nice to be properly introduced using

(01:09):
my correct name, and uh happy happy uh Coronavirus week
to you, Ben Mallard. It's uh. It's odd that you,
being a trained introvert, has now become a part of
everyone's daily life. Yes, welcome to my world. The standing
pat not going out and just put your feedback, relaxing

(01:31):
and all that. First of all, for years I have
been practicing social distancing. Now, I would also like to
thank the women that I attempted to date when I
was younger, who did also know that they also believed
in social distancing. Uh, they did not want to get
around me. So I learned the art of social distancing. Now.
I gotta tell you, though, this is more nuanced because

(01:52):
part B of this. When I was doing my social distancing,
I was a radio reporter for the Mighty six ninety
in San Diego, and I would just go to games
every night, and that was my life. I would watch
sports and that was how I would pass the time.
So I've had to adjust because I don't have the
sports to watch. None of us do right now. The

(02:12):
industrial complex of sports to shut down. But I was
ahead of my time. And I'm gonna write my book
and I hope everyone buys it, Social Distancing for Dummies.
It's gonna be coming out an internet book. I'm looking
forward to that. Gusk On and you can write a
review if you want. I can be out. No, I
could do the the v O for the book. I
mean Obviously you wouldn't want to use your own voice

(02:34):
for that. That's a little narcisstic. But I don't think
it would actually sell as much as people want to
hear me the voice over. You know, I just did
a commercial for HBO hold Box office. By the way,
do you know that? No? I did not know. It's
gonna start airing next week. It is an HBO commercial.
There's a new documentary coming out about the College of
Basketball scandal, the ADID issue scandal, and I, of all

(02:59):
the people, was picked to do a voice over a
v O for the HBO commercial we're gonna air this week.
Was that through Fox or I Heart Radio or what well?
I cannot reveal. That is personal information that I'm not
willing to share on the Magic podcast box. But that
will start airing and you can hear my voice, not
guestcon not Arnie Span, your nobody else. Me reading that

(03:20):
voiceop a little annoying, concerned the fact that most of
the pipes in here aren't as good as yours. Truly,
so um, I feel like the paths along that contact
and I appreciated. You are the narcissist. You are the
famous narcissist over there. So I We're gonna do something
a little different here on this dumb dope show. Uh,
tomb and dope. I think weird's dumb and dopey. I

(03:43):
try to bring the show. I'm a classy person. Guest. Wow,
I attempt to do a professional show. You try. I
think the best part, though, is that, for all intentsive purposes,
you have not acknowledged the fact that we're we're pioneers, Ben.
I mean, you haven't talked about sports and certainly two
thousand and I've been a part of intermittent fasting for

(04:03):
the last two years, and I think both of those
combined have brought us to where we're at right now.
We've been doing this since September of nineteen. I think
we're well trained to to withstand what is happening to
our society right now. Yes, yeah, I'm not worried. I
people get upset. That's the great thing about this, that
people are upset with me that I'm not more concerned

(04:26):
about the decaying of society and the disease and all
the you know, the microbes of the coronavirus and all that.
Like I'm getting shamed. But as far as the intermittent fasting.
I how many fast have you had? Gasco Do you
have a number of fast the total fast you have completed? Long?
I have that kind of data, alright, I just completed

(04:47):
a milestone. How many you go first? How many total
fast have you taken? Part and go ahead? Oh? Total
fast or not? Or not? Time? Since you started using
an app which keeps track of all this stuff? Why
is fasting bureau? That's a good question. I do not know.
My longest fast has been twenty six hours. God, you

(05:08):
are such a lightweight. You are such you know my
my longest fasts, I think no ninety hours. Okay, that
doesn't account when you're getting your gall bladder removed. Actually,
the longest non gall bladder related fast was when I

(05:29):
was in Boston. They flew into due shows for w
E I, and that was when we did the mallar
Man March in April of nineteen, one of the final
Mallard meet and greets pre coronavirus. And so I'm I'm
held up in the hotel I'm doing I think it
was eight hours of radio a day, because I had

(05:49):
a talk show in the evening time after Red Sox
baseball they were playing day games. That week, opening week
of the baseball season. They were in Oakland, UM either
was either after or before. I either on before or
after the games, and I did about four hours, and
then I did the overnight show, so I was doing
eight hours of radio, and I was pretty much just
going back to the hotel. And since I knew I

(06:10):
was three thousand miles away from my wife, I just
chose not to eat because I didn't have any time
to eat, because I needed to sleep and rest up
and all that stuff. So I went. I believe it
was seventy two plus maybe seventy three hours without eating
because no one could force me to eat. And then
I ordered a pizza, a large pizza from a pizza

(06:34):
shop in Boston, obviously, and I ate the whole fucking
thing and I loved every morsel of That was the
greatest taste of pizza. It was a mom and shot
pizza place in Boston, probably a terribly rated one on Yelp.
I didn't give a fuck. I got that pizza and
I oh, I indulged. It's awesome. Did you did you

(06:54):
even have the courtesy of using a plate or a
napkin or you just eat it right out of the box. No,
I was in a hotel room. I ate it right
out of the box on the bed. Out of the box.
That's good. It's great. That's good. Sitting back laying down
watching it was it's probably I don't know, midnight or
whatever at a couple of hours before I had to

(07:15):
get back and do the other show and I'm watching
some West Coast baseball at midnight. It was wonderful. That's good. Now,
so I've had guests on three hundred. I just reached
my three hundred seventy five fast since I started fasting
so over a year. Now, they're not consistent. I'm my
goal now, and this, this freaking coronavirus is messing with

(07:35):
my My plans, the best laid plans of mice and men.
But the plan is to hit three sixty five in
a row. So I want to do a full year
my longest streak. I'm currently on my longest fasting streak,
which is at forty seven consecutive days fasting. Cal Ripken Jr.
You are right. So I want to hit three sixty

(07:56):
five and see them when I hit three sixty five
and want to keep going. I want to make this
the new normal. Al right, So can you tell my
wife to you, because sometimes on the weekend she's who
gres about the fucking fasting just eight, I'm gonna feed you,
And I'm like, no, don't feed me, gotta run away
from which is fascinating because she's she's full life, but
she's also optimistic and you are the other way around

(08:17):
with this. You're just like, this is norm for me.
I'm not worried about it. I'm not full life, a matrovert,
keep away from everybody. I want to work from home.
Blah blah blah blah blah. No, no, no, she wants
me to work from from home. I like going into
the radio station. I got into radio because I like
going to the radio station. Uh. You know, I shouldn't

(08:38):
tell people this, but the way the radio business is
going right now, like every other business, you can do
these shows from your house, and a lot of our colleagues,
many of the people who at Fox Sports Radio, are
starting to shift to doing the show from their home
and call that the Rush Limb Boss Steve Harvey model
of radio. And now we have public service announcements that
if we have anything that's prerecorded are taped, we have

(09:01):
to notify the audience like, Hey, there's a segment on
this show that is prerecorded, so full disclaimer if something
happens where someone's in or they're out and they have
to record something due to this or something else than
than boom, full disclaimer. So when you went shopping though,
for what's happening right now, did you did you immediately

(09:24):
go to the frozen meat section or get some some
snacks or did you try to pack as light as
possible to keep you tame during the fasting period. Yeah,
I haven't changed anything. Um, I've gone to the store
to buy things that I need or we need in
the house here, and I pretty much run to the
frozen meat section in the toilet paper section because I've

(09:47):
this is this is crazy and it's so food gaze
what's going on. It's ridiculous. And I I've taken a
bunch of photos and every store I go to because
I can't believe how ridiculous the situation is. And and
then I've had to be a grief counselor because of
my buddy in Dallas. Guys around my age and you know,
single guy, lifetime bachelor, his whole life is going to

(10:09):
bars around Dallas, A big socialite and and if they've
shut down a lot of that in Dallas, as they
have in pretty much every major city in the US,
you can't go out socialize whatever. And he is so
fucking pissed. This guy called me up. He thinks like
his life is ending because he can't go have a
beer and and drink and do karaoke at a at

(10:32):
a bar. I'm like, what he gives a fund? Just
stay home, dummy. You know It's like and he got
he was upset at me again for being upset at
him for being upset about not being able to go
out to a bar. Ulous you want you want to
kick him all he's down now you can refer him
to his four oh one k and see how well

(10:53):
he's the guy that was like, Hey, I'm gonna come out.
He told me like a week ago, Hey I'm gonna
come to l A. And you see how cheap the
airfares off from Dallas to l A. Totally tone deaf,
you know, it's like, I don't think this is a
good time to travel unless you have to travel the idiot.
So we will have a in general my Corona update,

(11:14):
a Microna update. We also have the Florida Man will
make its debut for the first time. Grab Bag A
lot of great questions study this tough week for studying this.
Pretty much every study is about the coronavirus, so the
science community has fully focused on that, which is both
a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because
people want to know information about the coronavirus. But for

(11:35):
somebody like me, it is a curse because I love
reading these dopey studies and I had to really dig
deep this week feel my pain, my agony, I had
to feel I had to go deep to find stuff
to talk about. What begin with my corona? Now, I
want to start this off. Gist gun was something that
my wife occasionally will annoy me with when we sit
down to dinner and uh, which is like two days

(11:58):
a week because I don't need a couple days a week,
but she will say, name something you're grateful for, you know,
one of those deals because she's a hippie, you know,
And it always annoys me because I'm not really grateful
for anything. So it always bothers me that I have
to scramble and usually what you do is you come up, Wow,
I'm grateful for my health, I'm grateful for you know
you or something like that. Right, So it's the standard

(12:18):
boiler plate answer. But what are you grateful for in
relation to what's going on in the world with the
coronavirus and the was the what are they calling it,
the the Wuhan flu? Is that what they're calling it?
Guscon flu? The China flu or the China virus uh

(12:39):
COVID nineteen, COVID nineteen is another one. So here's here
are three things Gascon that I am grateful for from
the and I'll let you go after me. Okay, this
is a list. Yeah, because it's Eddie. Let me. I'll
call you Eddie. Guess how about my knee jerk reactions
to Eddie out. I haven't talked to Eddie and about today.

(13:00):
But but anyway, listen, alright, so gascunt listen. All right,
here's the thing. I got. Three things I got and
lists are allowed because we have a pandemic. The Malarule
book on radio. When you have a pandemic, you can
do list radio. You were the godfather Mount Rushmore radio.
And so I get to go into that bag of tricks.
I'm gonna try to hold off as long as I can,

(13:23):
because this is a goal. We're in this for the
long haul. We are in the nuclear winter of sports.
Not in the world, but of sports. But anyway. Three
things I'm grateful for. A. I have never been more
proud to work in radio. People love the ship on
the radio business, but I love the fact that the
show must go on. And I worked in sports radio

(13:45):
my pretty much my entire adult life. And I love
the fact that we are bunkering down and we're not
running away from the shows and our responsibilities here. And
because it's great, we have an opportunity to present some
normal normalism. Is that's the word. I don't even know,
it's the word normalcy. There you go, that's the word normalcy. Um,

(14:07):
and for people that are practicing social distancing. And I
feel somewhat guilty though, because I feel like the numbers
have spiked over the last week, that we've had more
people listening to this show overnight, because there's a lot
of people a that are not working right now, be

(14:27):
there's a lot of insomnia because of anxiety, and these
things combined together have created a larger audience. So I'm,
in a perverse way the beneficiary of people not being
able to live their normal lives and and be I'm
also grateful for song parodies mocking the coronavirus. Who we

(14:49):
had a couple of great ones this week that we're
sent in. One by a listener, Ryan Parker from Kentucky
who sent in the my Corona song I Love the
the NBA one that we played. The other day, Coop
found a rap song that was played which was pretty good.
It was like it was this rapper doing you know,
dropping bars, but all the opposite, you know, like stay away, bitch,

(15:12):
you know that kind of thing, which was great. It
was really funny because just mocking the whole not only coronavirus,
but the whole rap community, hip hop community and all
that as well. And then the last thing I'm grateful
for is that my hypothesis has been proven correct that
human beings the vast majority I'm not saying you listening,
but the vast majority of our brothers and sisters are

(15:34):
reactionary morons. And and we have seen this right. People
have gone into primal survival mode. And I have been
convinced based on the reaction of my neighbors, the people
I live around, and the people you live around that.
This is why we can never be told there's martians

(15:55):
and aliens. Can you imagine if the governments of the
world said, you know, we have been contacted by alien
life and they would like to be our friends. If
that was even a possibility, Did you imagine what kind
of bullshit would happen in the world if people are
reacting this way to a virus. Well, let's be honest,

(16:16):
it's serious, but for most people who are in health
and good health is not going to be that big
deal at all. And this is the reaction we're getting.
Holy fuck. I mean, I could turn an Independence Day
with Will Smith and see how people react. They go
either one way or the other. So it's it is.
It is wild. But see I could I mean, I

(16:38):
can imagine what people are like in New York and Florida.
But did you watch any of the videos that have
been posted over the last week week and a half
about getting those advised aias about staying home or at
least staying away from people in close proximity. And you
get all those people in Florida down the beach, just
on the coastline, living it up, relaxing because of spring break,

(17:01):
to live life Man, that's what they say. Unbelievable. So
those are your three? Yeah, what are you grateful for? Well,
I gotta I gotta preface this first by saying that
where we're at, or where we're gonna be, is eerily
similar in some ways to how you reminded me about

(17:21):
my time in Bakersfield. Now, you told me to go
for the experience. You said, it doesn't matter what you do,
write everything down, enjoy it. Blah blah blah blah blah.
And I had two instances. One at Bakersfield's ballpark where
a guy climbed the right field foul pole line and
popped off six rounds into the air before cops came.

(17:44):
And yet a gun off at a baseball stadium during
the game. Yes, yes, in the right field corner. How
did that not become a National store? I don't know, man,
it's Bakersfield. The other one one was when I went
to Modesto on my first road trip with Bakersfield and
Modesto playing. The game went to eighteen innings plus and

(18:04):
I think it was like over five hours. I ran
out of gas so long into this ball game that
I had to revert to some of the ship on
your show and talk about your show dynamics it was.
It was awful, So that's as it sound awful to me,
that sounds wonderful. It was pretty bad. So with that

(18:24):
being said, labbermouth has to blabbermouth man, come on, that's true.
So I think the first thing, and I don't know
if you agree with me on this, but I think
since we're not at the highest of highs in the
food chain, I think the first thing I'm grateful for
is the way that there's a correction what the airlines
um outside of Southwest Airlines, which does not charge for

(18:45):
bags and does not charge for cancelations or rescheduling unless
you buy a more expensive ticket. Other airlines, whether it's Virgin, Delta, American, United,
Jet Blue, whoever it may be. Unfortunately for all them,
if you want to bring on a bag, it's at
least seventy five dollars. If you want to change your flight,
it's at least seventy five dollars, and then they nickel

(19:07):
and dime you every which way they could possibly can.
And that's just for a basic economy seat, not economy plus,
not business, not first class, whatever it may be. And
now they're starving for business. And they are also waving
cancelation fees, they're waving baggage fees like they're doing all
these things. That's on top of them actually cleaning and

(19:30):
being extra cautious with the cabins. So when you think
about all this, Ben, that's the first thing I'm grateful
for is the airlines actually looking, hey, we need the business.
Let's do something extra to entice the business to come in.
So you like the fact that the airline industry has
taken a haymaker right between the eyes. They have taken

(19:51):
a full head shot from what's going on. I don't
disagree and listen, they took advantage. The airline industry took
advantage is kind of like you know, the um the
medical industry took advantage of insurance. And you know that
that's part of the problem nobody likes to talk about,
is that one of the reasons, you know, the insurance
issue in America is what it is is because hospitals

(20:13):
realized we can charge the insurance company seventy five dollars
for an aspirin because they gotta pay for it, and
so that raised the cost of insurance on everybody. When
an aspirin doesn't cost seventy five dollars. Well, the airline
industry realized that most people that travel are traveling for business,
So let's stick it to the big corporations and they'll
pay because it's it has been. I I don't know

(20:35):
if it still is. It was for years. You know,
a tax right off travel expenses the cost of doing business.
So like, fuck it, We'll just the airlines are like,
I don't care about mom and pop going to see
their kids or the kids going to see mom and pop.
Fuck them. Seventy five dollars for your bag. And you
want a meal if you wanna lukewarm meal that tastes

(20:57):
like dog food, that will cost you five bucks. Yeah,
And that leads me to something else? Is that, and
this is more on an American type of thing without outsourcing.
Is that The other thing I'm grateful for is the
way that we have come around as a nation to
not only identify the cause, but also to identify the

(21:19):
way to treat this, at least for the time being,
without a vaccine. Is that how dependent we have become
on China and some other companies for manufacturing purposes for
pharmaceutical You just brought it up. I believe it was
I was reading this. At least eighty percent of the
ingredients that are made in our pharmaceuticals is coming from China,

(21:40):
not from the United States, not from Canada, not from Mexico,
but from China. So all the outsourcing that we get
everything else that we need or want is coming from
from China. Why the funk can it be done here
in the United States. Like, I understand that people are
so fixated in a capitalist society about margins, but man,

(22:03):
there's something, there's something ideal and I think urgent about
having things here and available in the United States. If
we talk about oil now and the consumption we have
reserves um car manufacturing as well too, whether it's in
the United States or in Mexico or even in Canada,
having it here, having it homegrown as opposed to outsourced.

(22:24):
I think that's the biggest thing I'm grateful for, just
in terms of the medical industry, is like, hey, we
can't afford to be so reliant or dependent on another nation.
We need to take care of our own ship by
doing it the American way. Yeah. And the other thing
about that too is that you know, the global economies
and the shifter, and and and hopefully it will only

(22:44):
be on the shifter for a year. It's gonna take
years to get this thing back on track to where
it was. So I'm not even looking at my four
oh one. K I've determined for three years, I will
look at this if God willing, we're all still here
in three I will then open up my four oh one. Okay,
I don't want to know. I don't want to. I'm
just gonna not even look because I'm in for the

(23:05):
long game. I'm not in for the short game. So
I've decided I'm not I don't want to deal with it.
Um now. I've also considered if we can dig up
some extra money buying some stock, because I feel like
and and the problem is when do you buy, you know,
because it's still gonna go down. I know very little

(23:26):
about the stock market. I'm a I'm a complete neophight
with the stock market. I dabble in it occasionally. I
like to think I know more than I do about
the New York Stock Exchange. But the timing on this,
like these big corporations are going to go back up.
You know, the Disney stock is down. You go to

(23:46):
you know, these Apple, all these big companies, they're they're
gonna go back up. They're not, They're not gonna. This
is not the room nation of these companies. Um, so
when do you buy and then can you buy enough
where you make enough money? On the other side, it's
this This is weird. It's like threading a needle because
you don't want to buy too soon because the stocks

(24:06):
can go down further. But you don't want to wait
too long either. So there's a fine cat and mouse
game that you gotta play well being in the real
estate industry for a long period of time. I think
the one way you can compare it, Ben is that
you don't you don't try to time it as perfectly
as possible. You just buy it when you're comfortable. Because
even if the real estate market comes down, interest rates

(24:27):
typically will go up and vice versa. You know, the
prices on homes will go up, interest rates will go down.
So it's not all about necessarily timing it out perfectly,
but it's about what you're comfortable with and then trying
to stack on top of that. So if you buy
something at a certain price on shares and then it
drops down, there's nothing wrong with that. But I think
the biggest thing that people should not do is to

(24:48):
dump or to sell anything right now, because that's the
worst time to do anything with the market because you're
not getting any kind of value. Like you just said,
you go in your four O one K right now,
you're gonna see noth them but read no grains, nothing
at all or anything like that. I would I would
definitely purchase when you're comfortable. I mean, I've I've started
to do that. Um. The third thing I'm grateful for

(25:10):
and I know you can definitely back me on. This
is the way that Vegas has taken a hit because
you pay at least twenty five dollars for parking, which
is bullshit. You pay at least fifteen and thirty five
dollars for your quote unquote resort fee, which goes to Yeah,
but it's like Internet, it's phones that you don't use

(25:31):
in a hotel room typically. It's the gym, it's the pool,
it's all these other accessories that are now pushed upon
the guests that come into Vegas. In the late nineties
early two thousand's, Vegas was so so observant on guests
that they want to bring in. They didn't worry about
monitoring your play by hours or by time. It was

(25:54):
all about the chips you brought in, the stacks of
money you brought in. They'd compy of food, they'd compy,
drain that comp you entertainment for the night or for
the weekend. And now everything is just so corporate. It's
all about maxing out on what they can take from
you as opposed to what you can bring in for them. Potentially, Uh,
they've taken a shot, and I think they need to

(26:14):
get a kneecap for a little while too. Oh, they're
getting kneecaped. You got a lot of friends in Vegas,
and it is brutal, man, you work in that service industry.
And but the casinos did get carried away, and then
the only people that experience Vegas the way Vegas was
set up in the early days when the mob ran
it are the whales. Like if you're a whale, if

(26:36):
you're a big time gambler, they would fly you in,
roll out the red carpet. You've got your special entrance, valet, parking,
whatever you need, and it was all taken care of. Yeah,
but I mean even still, like if you dropped a
couple of grand on a weekend, you would still likely
get at least a room camp for the night or
camp for the weekend, or some entertainment for the night,

(26:57):
or even dinner out for you and your wife or
significant other. It's not like that anymore. You'll be lucky
if you get some kind of credits on your account
for a cup of copy the next time you came
out to Vegas. That's and then I'll bet you that
once this ends, and because people and this could go
on for a year or maybe more, who the hell knows,
I hopefully will be a lot less though somebody will,

(27:19):
some science genius will win the Nobel Peace Prize or
something for coming up with a vaccine, you know, in
eight months instead of fourteen months or something like that.
But um, the hotel business, they're gonna have to beg
you to come back because people aren't gonna be running
the hotel still. I have a feeling that a lot
of people are still gonna be like, I don't know,

(27:42):
I don't know about that. And then so they're gonna
have to give you freebees to entice you, a little
carrot on the stick to get you to go out.
But as far as your Baker's field stories that you
were talking about here a couple of minutes ago. This
is my theory. I learned this when I was a kid.
I read one of the great books as a child,
and it was a Dr. Seuss book. Oh the places
You'll go and the people you'll see and listen, that's

(28:05):
what's going on right now for us. You know, life's
all about the stories you pick up along the way,
and we're all picking up stories. And I said this
on the radio the other night. When I was a kid,
I used to hear stories from World War Two veterans
and that they called it the greatest generation, right grist generation.
There used to be these long, heartfelt stories written and

(28:27):
they did tremendous things, the World War Two generation, and
many of them would mock you know, we were kids,
and they would say, you know, you kids have it
so easy. You're not going to experience anything that bad
in your life, anything that's you know, gonna really mess
you up, and all that. I'm like, well, you know,
i'm a middle aged guy and I've I've experienced some

(28:48):
stuff where I can start to brag a liver. You know,
I lived through nine eleven and that experience the country
shutting down there. Now we have a global pandemic that's
shutting down regular life in America. So I got a
couple of notches on my belt here. Yeah, So I
feel pretty good about that. And I mainly because I
can just yell and scream and shell bucket my day.

(29:10):
I can be that. I wonder if your wife has
any girlfriends that are engaged right now, I'm trying to
prep for a for a wedding, because, um, I've had
a few friends, we have colleagues that have weddings right
around the corner that have now been canceled. But I say, hey,
I mean, I took a page out of your book,
but I'm like, hey, this is a way better story.
Like I understand that you're gonna be upset or disappointed,

(29:32):
but there's something unique about this that if we can
all get through this with our heads on and our
chins up. Is that you were supposed to have a
wedding date for April the seventeen that's now canceled. You
push it back six months or even a year. That's
because of what happened. I mean when I went to Bakersfield,
I went to Bakersfield because the guy that hired me,

(29:54):
his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. She recovered. I
went there, I was by myself, had two days off
a month. There was gunfire at one of the ball games.
I lost my job. After six months. I came back
to to Fox Sports Radio with my head down. But
like tail between your legs, I remember that we all
laugh at we pointed and mocked you when you walked
into the building again. Yeah, but you know what that was.

(30:16):
That was the trip I took and and it was wild.
It was entertaining. But you know there's something about it,
Like you said, you don't get anything by not getting out,
and it has to be done, so um, embrace it. Man, Listen,
it's it's a good story that we're only here for
a short time. Either way, you know, I might as
well have have fun with you to get some stories.
And now, how are you bracing the fact that that

(30:37):
we are not operational in the gym right now? Because
all the time that's really fucked me up. Man. I
am a creature of habit like most people, and I
ever since I started doing the Overnight show, I have
had the same routine. My whole day has planned out,
you know, I spent a certain amount of time getting
ready for the show, here, a certain a pound of
time sleeping, certain amount of time at the gym, and

(30:59):
it's it's messed me up, and I have to figure
something out. I have not been to the gym in
a couple of days because the gym's closed, and I
haven't really worked out in a couple of days, and
so I'm gonna have to find a park and just
wander around aimlessly and just start walking, at least get
some exercise walking. We used to have a treadmill at
the Mallard mansion, but my wife hated the fucking thing

(31:22):
and so because it made a lot of noise and
it took up a lot of space, and so she
got rid of it. And now I'm like, I wish
I had that treadmill. Man, I could still work out
at home and it would be great. Be sure to
catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at
two am Eastern eleven p m. Pacific on Fox Sports
Radio and the I Heart Radio app. Now since the

(31:43):
since the L A. Rams cheerleader auditions have probably been
called off. Um, should I make an alternative? Should I
make a pivot? Were. If I can get a certain
amount of Twitter followers or Instagram followers, I can create
a workout video for you and the Mrs in lu
al of not doing an audition for the l A

(32:04):
Roums cheerleaders. No, what do you mean? No? Do you
want to think about it more? Why would I want
to see you work out because it will help you
work out? And I don't want to see you when
you're not working out. Why would I want to see
you when you're working at because it'll give you ideas
of what to do when you're at home and you're
I'll be the camera guy. All right? How about this?

(32:25):
We sign up for Driver's Head and I am in
the backseat and you are taught how to properly park
an automobile. How about that? Wouldn't that be great? It
was driving one oh one with gascon. Can we use
your car? No? Whatnot? No? We'll use the car from
what we can't? We use yours? But yours says dense

(32:47):
in it already? I you want more dense in your car?
I have one dent from whoever fucking hit my car
here in the Premier studio building. So really, somebody at
your car? Yeah, it's probably because you parked in their space,
like funk this guy. Maybe the baseball bat out. I'd
like to think they didn't, but but maybe that's a
possibility that that's a pretty good bit, though I need
to go pro camera to do that. A couple of

(33:09):
other stories related to the coronavirus that somewhat amusing. Might
have seen these over the last couple of days. Maybe
not businesses, there are certain businesses that are tremendously successful
in the light of the pandemic in Florida. I was
reading a story they said that crime scene clean up,
that people are hiring crime scene clean up to to

(33:32):
sanitize their places from the coronavirus. People selling essential oils
doing very well. Travel insurance is big, all of these. Obviously,
the grocery industry, the stores that sell produce and whatnot,
they've surged in business, which is interesting. You know that
one of one of the trickle down problems from the

(33:52):
coronavirus is that traditionally this is the biggest month of
the year for what operation guesscon March is the biggest
month of the here for what alcohol. That's not an
operation dummy, I said. A medical procedure a scheduled medical
procedure that is not a life and death obviously, because

(34:13):
you can't, you know you can't. How about breast augmentation, No,
the mail equivalent of that. Well, actually it's not the
mail equivalent, but it's the it's a male procedure. Uh,
I mean, you are totally gobsmacked here, I am. I'm
baffled by what way you would consider the male equivalent

(34:34):
of Well, it's it's it's a male surgery. It's not
the equivalent of boob enhancement, but it's it's something that
men do at a certain age. Yes, the vasectomy. March
is the biggest month of the year for vasectomies. Why
because dudes plan it out for the first two days
of the n c A A tournament because they have

(34:56):
all the March madness to binge watch on that Thursday
and Friday live sports programming, to bet on. You gotta
sit there for a couple of days when you get
your balls chopped off, and these guys all a lot
of people have had surgery. And this is the week actually,
because this was supposed to be the start of the
tournament this week and nothing to watch. Sorry, sorry, you

(35:19):
got enough I'm still baffled that you thought that that
was the equivalent of a breast augmentation. So, oh stop,
you were completely flummexed. You're embarrassed by how flummexed you were, which,
all right, we'll play the This is always a fun game.
Which one is more embarrassing? All right? Now? Story number one,
Police and Oregon sent out a public notification telling people

(35:42):
not to call nine one one because they ran out
of toilet paper, that it is not a public emergency.
All right, that's number one. Number two. According to reports
from the Poison Control Center in Virginia, they have been
warning their residence to not drink bleach in an attempt
keep themselves from contracting the coronavirus. Right, which one is

(36:05):
that you gotta go with the bleach? Right? Yeah? Bleaches?
Bleaches bullshit? Yeah. I know there's some charlatans, some quacks
quack quack quack medical quackery online talking about bleach. But
you've got to really be uh, you have a i
Q of a fruit fly to think that that's the
way to go to chug some bleach is the way

(36:26):
to go. I saw the Mayor of Baltimore had a
special request for all the all the natives don't shoot
people during this time because they need hospital beds for
people infect with coronavirus. So when this calms down, the
mayor will say, go ahead, resume normal activity. Bang bang
like an astro, except with a gun. How about this?

(36:49):
Do you see the sex industry? What's going on the
sexuality of the coronavirus? This is right up your wheelhouse. Yeah,
that's pretty good. They said that there are now condom
shortages is a result of this, and this is great.
Sales of sex toys are going through the roof. That's right,
sales of sex toys. Not that's not just for the ladies,

(37:11):
so for the dudes also. Uh, they are increasing and
said they've increased sales compared to the original forecast. And
this is a global pandemic. So they're selling these things
all over the world. Probably the Womanizer, which is what
Gascon has at home. He uses that the brand, that's

(37:32):
what it's called the Womanizer. And you wouldn't know that,
I wouldn't the story. Uh, they can't keep these things
on the shelf. For on the virtual shelf. The Womanizer
recorded sixty higher sales in Italy, higher in France, seventy
higher in Hong Kong, and they are still awaiting the

(37:54):
information in the United States, so people are choosing condoms
and sex toys to get through the lack of supposed
physical contact that I have a feeling there's two things
are gonna happen when we're done with all this, Guest
gon There'll be a lot of people getting divorced because
they have to spend time with their spouse and they
hate their spouse. Fortunately I'm not in that camp. And

(38:15):
then the other camp is will be a lot of
babies that are born because people have a lot of
time to stoop because there's not much else to do
if you're married, and you figure, you know, what the
hell would I have? I'm gonna get whatever this person
has anyway, so why not. Yeah. I like the fact
that in those countries the sales of sex toys has
gone up. We're here in the United States. We got
I don't know if you saw this, but earlier in

(38:36):
the week, the New York Times took time The Times
all the time. Gascon gets his news from CNN, The
New York Times, the Washington Post. West of the four
oh five, guest counts well on Twitter, The New York
Times decided to give us, the American public, a reminder
that we need to stay indoors. So they created a

(38:58):
collage of videos of all these celebrities, actors, actresses, singers, um,
television hosts plitting with us to stay indoors. Like that's
exactly what I need right now with the coronavirus. I
need to reminder from celebrities that can afford to stay
home because they're swimming in money, Like, hey, I need
you guys to stay home, Like, yes, no fucking ship,

(39:21):
I need to stay home. But I need a celebrity
telling me that. That's much like some Hollywood fuck in
the hills that has a sixteen bedroom mansion with a
basketball court, a resort style swimming pool and uh and
all that, and we're fighting for toilet paper down here,
you unwashed their fighting for toilet paper. Yeah, fuck you

(39:42):
and your little videos. Okay, And I don't get it either,
because when I went to the store, you mentioned produce.
But the thing that popped up to me, Ben was
that I went to a Sprouts, Trader Joe's and Albertson's,
and I could still pick up like chia seeds. I
can pick up oats and and whole grains. I can
pick a protein powder like those things that you could

(40:04):
supplement for some of the things that you're not necessarily getting.
People weren't touching, like you know what was funny? I
went to Smart and Final. Um where else did I go?
I went to Walmart, the grocery store at Walmart, and
I went to a Mexican market because the listener Malle Militia.
Guys were like, hey, go to the Mexican market, man,
They're cool, they're you know, why not? They got everything?

(40:24):
So I went around and the one thing I should
have taken a picture of it at Walmart completely picked over, right.
It was like somebody had got in there and they've
just taken everything. The one section that was almost untouched
was the gluten free section that even in a time
of crisis, people are like, I don't need the gluten

(40:45):
free ship, I'll leave that. It was so funny because
it was like all the gluten free products were there
as they normally are, and everything else was picked over.
It's hilarious that it's absolutely amazing. I said that because
my wife is living the gluten free lifestyle. But I mean,
you can't if you can't work out, you need to
at least eat well or decently. We had the advantage

(41:06):
if you want to try intermittent fasting to do that,
but you need to have some semblance of a decent life.
If you're not going out, you probably get some people
that are still drinking at home and still smoking at home,
which is dumbfounding to me. But I mean, teach his own.
That's just some Florida man stories. He's actual stories, some
actual people that live in the state of Florida. A

(41:26):
drunk Florida man. Thank the good samaritan who gave him
a place to stay when he couldn't get a home. Right,
you know what the guy did. He kicked him out. No, no,
he he urinated all over his bedroom and then attacked him.
This is in Melbourne, Florida. Oh my gosh, that's great.

(41:49):
I would like to thank a good samaritan. And here's
some of my urine. Here's some of my urine. I
hope you enjoy that. Would you ever consider bringing somebody
into your home? Oh fuck, no, no no, And I'll
tell you why. Um because like look at weed Man.
Like weed Man, we got him. This guy used to

(42:10):
listen to the show, and he's a homeless loser in Miami,
and I liked him parts of it my life. I
gotta kick out of weed Man. I thought it was
a good character on the show for a while. Then
he turned into a bad character on the show. We
couldn't get rid of him. But there was a listener
another malled militia guys like, you know what, I'm moving.
I got a house here, weed Man can stay at

(42:31):
my house. And weed Man was such a ship head
to this guy and such a dope. And it was
a huge mess, and and and and it was the
guy was just trying to do him a solid. And
I'm like, you know, I believe in that old Benjamin
Franklin quote that the fishing house gets stink after three days.
You got you want to get rid of him? So sorry,

(42:54):
not gonna happen now. If I if I lose my
job or something, I'll rent out every part of my
house for somebody because I'll want to, you know, survive.
But other than that, no, uh, A woman in Florida
not that's not Florida, man, This is Florida. Woman. Woman
in Florida was caught having sex outside a hospital. This

(43:15):
is like a couple of days ago, she's facing indecent
exposure charges. But the reason this becomes newsworthy she was
having sex with a Florida man, so it does a
Florida man story. Her mug shot. She was having sex outside,
but she had her face mask on, and the story
implies that she works at the hospital. She's I don't

(43:36):
think she's a I think she's like in the cleaning
crew at the hospital, but she works at the hospital.
She had the face mask and she went outside to
screw some guy, but at least she kept the face
mask on. Well, I mean, she's practicing good hygiene. And
that says enough for the guide to be still turned
on by her because he doesn't need a kiss her

(43:56):
to to be your house. So that's that's a good start.
That's that's a good job by her. Here's the headline
of the day from Florida Boy. It says, I'm not
going to lie, it's cocaine. Florida man attempted to eat
a debit card in front of police about that. Apparently
it was some dead guys credit card and he was

(44:19):
trying to eat hide the evidence. But he said it's cocaine,
is what he said. Wow, well you can't assume, well,
you can't assume gender anymore, and and now you can't
assume product now right? What else we have? Florida made
Florida man bailed out after impersonating a police officer. That
would not be newsworthy in Florida. Happens all the time.
But uh. A couple of hours later, he was arrested

(44:42):
again using a fake badge to get out of paying
for a toll. Oh man, that's Brandson movie former NBA
player that I will not name right now? What else
we have? A man in a hazmat suit spotted at
a Florida Costco store. Guy work fun in has mats
to Costco? Oh man, I okay, So I go to

(45:04):
a I go to city bank. My my money's there
and one of the one of the branches in San
Pedro a couple of days ago, they had a single
file line and you had to be six ft away
from each other, but they only allowed two people in
at a time. As soon as I got my money
and I'm going to the parking lot, this woman rolls
up in this all beat up Mercedes. It was like

(45:26):
a like a late eighties Mercedes, but it was beat up.
It was it was pink. She gets out of the
car bet and I should you not? She looked like
she just left a a an eer room. Uh, a
little redundant. She left an e er facility. And she
had her her shoes recovered. She wasn't a nurse, she
wasn't a doctor. But she almost looked like a hazmat suit.

(45:46):
And she was on the scene somewhere. So she had
the mask on, she had something covering her her her hat,
she had gloves on. She was she was debt to
the nines. And I can tell you that much. I
was like, this is not to nurse, this is not
a doctor. That fits the bill exactly what you're talking
about in Florida. And well, you love Florida. You have a
a family in Florida, so you are you are living

(46:09):
the Florida man, no taxes, they're constantly living. Is a
little bit cheaper than California. So you move to Florida. Well,
I like, how about that moved the Florida. I love
l a man. No you don't. I do. It's just
well last year you like the Hollywood bullshit? Yeah, I
don't really like the Hollywood. You're an idiot. You are
the one that invited me to this exclusive private party

(46:30):
last week in Hollywood. Don't give him that crap like
I had to mix it up, because I'll tell you why, dummy.
That was the last public experience for the rest of
the year. I gotta get out in party. No mallard
u ugly sweater party this year because we'll all be
in quarantine. So we're good. No Dodger games, no Dodger games,
no Clippers NBA Finals, no Clippers parade, none of that.

(46:53):
It's all over. Another year of choking. Clippers win the championship,
they don't win. Lebron's a year older, so that's another
That's that's the real positive from sports is that Lebron
now is the last chance he had to win a championship.
Is over as the lead dog, as the alpha dog.
It's a shame in it. Uh, let's get to grab bag.
These are actual questions by actual listeners. Let's try to
go short on our answers, so we get to as

(47:14):
many questions as we can. Jesse from Pomona in so
Cal writes in and I says, I got another question
for you. With Boston trading Mookie Betts to the Dodgers
and Tom Brady walking away from the Patriots to Tampa
Bay this week. Is Boston becoming the new Cleveland for
mediocrity in sports. That's from Jesse. Al Right, see now, Jesse,

(47:38):
I know you're pumping your chest out and all. Let
me say something from my brothers and sisters in Boston.
Boston will never get to that point that Cleveland's in. Ever,
it's not gonna happen. Tell you why there is such
a passion for sports in Boston that they are gonna figure.
And they still have the Bruins, which are were a
Stanley Cup contender, and the Celtics are a dark horse

(48:03):
in the East. Milwaukee is not invincible. Sorry, the honest
cidenta Coombo. So it's not like Boston sports are completely
in the dark when it comes to having good teams.
The Red Sox are running through a tough patch, and
God only knows what the Patriots are gonna do. But no,
I haven't. They're not headed to that. And the other
and the other thing too is the market itself. Won't.

(48:27):
They won't cater to just getting by like you get
softer markets like Pittsburgh Baseball Cleveland Indians aren't really at
the top of the pecking order. Cavaliers the same thing,
like Boston sports fans and Boston media will be all
over these head coaches or managers all over, the general managers,
all over ownership. They're not going to tolerate being five

(48:50):
D or just qualifying for the playoffs like they expect championships.
And that has happened over the last twenty years. So
that's a one thing. You get softer markets, you and
get the media coverage that will be on top of
the of the franchises as much as you get it
like in Boston, and yeah, you gotta you gotta hang
over it, and and you've gotta you've really gotta fight back.

(49:12):
If you don't, they will just put mediocre ship teams
on the field. And the Boston media, although they've gone
a little softer, I'm told by my friends in Boston,
and they used to be, but they still they still
hold them accountable. And the other thing I was timeing
to a buddy of mine that works in sports, and
there's a lot of concern and angst about the fact

(49:37):
that a certain percentage of people and I'm gonna do
a monologue on this. Probably I'll do several of them
over the next couple of months. I'm giving a preview
of the monologue here, but I talked to a buddy
of mine that works in the sports business is obviously
not working right now. There is concern that a certain
percentage of people that are currently not able to watch
sports won't come back, that they're going to lose the

(50:00):
people are gonna realize, you know, I don't really need sports.
I can find other things to do, and I don't
have to go spend a hundred and fifty dollars on
a ticket or you know, seventeen dollars on a beer
at a game. Um, they're gouging me. My life is
still pretty good and I'm done with it. And so
there's some people concerned that they're gonna they're gonna lose

(50:22):
a share, not a big share. What do you think,
Maybe maybe less than five percent of people, But that's
you know, you do the math on that, that's a
decent number. Yeah, you spread that out over every sport.
You lose five percent of your market share because people
are like, funk this, I don't need sports. I got
other things I find My life is complete without it. Yeah,
but you but see Here's the thing on the flip
side of this is that so many people are are

(50:43):
either in isolation, self quarantine, or just staying at home.
How many people are do you generally think are gonna
start reading? I don't think that many. So most people
are either watching something on TV, watching something on their computers,
or watching something on their on their cell phone. So
if you don't have live events, which I understand most

(51:04):
of these production houses ben aren't operational right now either,
so you get a lot of reruns. You get reruns
for shows, but you get reruns for games. I think
that's a little blown out of proportion, because I don't
think it is. I think that you're gonna see certain
percentage of people, and I don't know what one percent
or five percent or you know, less than one percent,
but some are just gonna be like fuck it, um

(51:26):
we're done. And the other the other person. The other
thing the person said to me was that if imagine
if this was going on during football season but they
were still playing the games with the ratings would be
for the NFL. If they were the only game in
town and they were still playing in empty stadiums, imagine
what the the television ratings. They would it would send

(51:48):
an all time record. Yeah. One be sure to catch
live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two
am Eastern eleven pm Pacific. Andy writes in, Sayce, do
you think the Patriots go after Andrew Luck? To be
Tom Brady's success for Belichick always is shady? H Well, Andy,
that's not outrageous. I believe that there will be feelers

(52:10):
put out to Andrew Luck. Of course, he is still
property of the Colts, I believe. So that seems like
that's that's a that's a dead end because why would
the Colts trade Andrew Luck. Doesn't make any sense if
he wants to play football to play for the Colts,
that's I know they have made some moves at the
quarterback position with Philip Rivers, but that's a one year deal.
So I would think that Belichick would through intermediaries contact

(52:34):
Andrew Luck his guys see if he wants to play.
But no. The other problem with Andrew Luck is he
you know, he got quit on the Colts. I mean,
say what you want, you say he did the right
thing for his health and all that, but he walked
out on the Colts. A couple of weeks before the season.
That's a ship move. You really want that guy on
your team. I don't think so well. They wanted Josh
McDaniels and he backed out too. Might be something in

(52:55):
the air in the Indianapolis. You never know, Thomas says Ben.
You are off in times unkind to your callers. That
is true, Thomas, I feel like I have. I'm pretty
good most of the time, but I have a lot
of social deviance that call the show. And there's a
lot of people that don't listen to a fucking thing
I say, Thomas, and these people, which I get. Most

(53:17):
people don't hear what I say. When you listen to
the radio, you hear maybe one out of every four
or five words that are said because you're distracted by
something else. But I think I'm pretty calm most of
the time. But occasionally, like a volcano, the lava flows
up and then that has to explode, and it does happen.
Ian from Canada says Mallard, giving voice to piss drinkers,

(53:40):
readtards and various mystery iNTS for twenty years. Is this
your burner account? On Facebook? Guest on that sounds like
something you would you would read Yeah, that's exactly something
I would write. Believable, dude. Fox Sports Radio has the
best sports talk lineup in the nation. Catch all of
our shows at Fox Sports Radio dot com. In within
the I Heart Radio app, search f s R to

(54:03):
listen live. Jason from Rocky Mount, Virginia says, what do
each of you think about Rob Gronkowski and his return
to wrestling in a SmackDown? And as we are recording
this podcast, it has obviously not air. It's gonna be
on Friday night. If you're listening to this on Friday,
it's tonight. If you're listening to this on Saturday, it

(54:24):
was last night. Then, Jason says, if you were a wrestler,
what would your ring name be? All right? Um, well,
I don't really have many thoughts on Gronkowski other than
that I believe he was born for this and this
is right in his wheelhouse. And for years when he
was with the Patriots, people said this was what he

(54:44):
was gonna do, become a professional wrestler. So it turns
out those people were correct. Um, I think it could
be pretty good. We'll see, We'll see how this goes,
whether he's a heel or a pretty boy. We'll find
out about that. But my wrestling name, Gascon. You know
what my would be Benny Barracouta. Benny Barracouta, the Baracuta,

(55:05):
because in the ring I am as fearsome as a Barracouta.
I don't like that name. It's a great name, Benny,
And of all the nicknames that you have, you'd go
with that one. That's my wrestling nickname. Would you like
you would like to hear my list of nicknames I
can take? Would you like to hear my name? It
sounds like you want to hear my nickname. Those nicknames
are all better than that. I am known as the

(55:26):
Baron of bob Dash, Bennis the Menace, Captain Nie Jerk,
General of the Generate's Tycoon of Tease, Master of Disaster,
the Hustler of Philibuster, night Light of night Life, Pummeler
of Producers, Benny Brightside, Manity of Insanity, Marconi Maller, Emissary
of Embellishment, week Night wind Bag, Wizard of Wacky, slayer

(55:47):
of Naysayers, Grand Goober of gab, Tower of babel On,
Honest that Donna's nocturnal Colonel, the underdog of Monologue, and
the Holy Pope of the Slippery Slope. That's only half
my ick names. Gas Gun, Yeah, I mean we can
do The Holy Pope of the Slippery Slope is my
wrestling name. Yeah, why not? What about the Tower of

(56:07):
Babylon We could do that too, That's pretty good. Bad.
Here's the miler nicknames. I'm known as the spin Master
of Misinformation, the Bannering Broadcaster, Beethoven of bs, Curmudgeon of commentary,
Chasm of sarcasms, are of any dark night of weeknight
sports radio, Mogul of mischief, Benny the Brazen King of Zing,
Moneyball Maller, Facetious Fox, Sultan of insult and Jumping Jack

(56:30):
of wisecrack, Insight of Overnight, Naybob of Negativity, Sage of Outrage,
Pinnacle of cynical, Prince of preposterous, Professor of propaganda, Hazar
of hyperbole, and the mad Hatter of sports chatter. Mad
Hatter is always a good one too. Back to Gronk, Gronk,
I hate doing this, but Stone Colts, Steve Austin and

(56:53):
the Rock We're so good. In the late nineties, like
the Attitude era of w W E was at its
peak with those guys with Triple H all those guys
that were during that time, they popped like Gront does
not do that. Whether it's the riding for w w
E or just his personality. I get he's energetic and

(57:14):
he's out there and he's enthusiastic, but he doesn't carry
He isn't good on the microphone. He doesn't carry the
charisma that a guy like the Rock would be like,
or Stone Cold or any of these other guys. I
don't I don't see it with him. I get that
he's a big one. Let me tell you why you
feel that way, guests, guy, because how old were you?
Please tell me how I should feel? Yes, please tell me.

(57:37):
I've studied human nature. I'm smarter because you go out
and you talk to people. Yes, so tell me how
he should All right, so you were you're saying late nineties, right, Yes,
so you know you were. How how old are you
in the late nineties? I was a teenager. Yeah, I'm
twenty years younger than you. No, you're not. But the
point is, like, for me, the golden age of wrestling

(58:00):
was Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant. Because I need
to sell you something, you mama, Luke. All Right. The
reason it was the golden age is because I was
at the perfect age. I was a kid. I was,
you know whatever. The golden years are, like nine to
twelve or something like that, where you everything is the
greatest and the rest of your life you compare what

(58:23):
happened around that age, and nothing ever matches up to that.
He was absolutely true, because they are kids started. There
are kids growing up right now. They're like, oh, man,
the greatest wrestler of all time. Uh, you know, we're
guys in the you know, ten years ago, twenties, because

(58:44):
that's what they that's when they became fans of wrestling. No, no, no,
I became a wrestling fan of the eighties like you.
I was a Hogan fan in the eighties. I was
born in the eighties. I mean, that's why I was
a teenager in the nineties. Dummy. Anyway, if you were
going the eighties and you didn't experience is wrestling in
the eighties, I experienced pro wrestling in the eighties when

(59:04):
it became they started branding everything. I got fat on
WWF ice cream bars because you know, and I'm vitamins.
I took the whole Cogan vitamins. Of course he didn't
sell the real vitamins he was taking with the steroids
in him. But so be well. I I expect my
biggest tragedy when watching the w W E or I
guess the biggest disappointment was when the Ultimate Warrior beat

(59:26):
Hogan at WrestleMania. But I was a huge Hogan fan.
I like the Ultimate Warrior. I like Tito Santana. I
liked uh Jin the Nvil night Heart. I like Brett
hart Owen Heart, like all those guys. I liked them
in the eighties, but they just didn't carry the chops
so that that the rock had that stone cold ad
triple h chad. Like those guys popped and they made

(59:47):
Vince McMann a great heal. Now, the broadcasters back then
we're amazing too, Like Grilla Monsioux was probably my favorite.
Who else? Jesse Ventura he was good as well. So
those guys stuck in the eighties for me as broadcasters.
But mean Gene Okerlan Gene was good, but he was
was the O g Yeah, but he was he was

(01:00:08):
He wasn't a I mean, he was a reporter, not
a host. Mean Gene Oakland was professional wrestling Roddy Piper
was there, wore the bow tie. I had a mean
gene Oakerland statue like a little toy and action figure.
Was that your sex? You were collecting Barbie dolls and
I had w w E action figure? That's your a
Womanizer brand sex toy, mean gene Okerland and a bow tie. Yes,

(01:00:29):
it's wrong with that judging. Yeah, I am judging you. Wow, man,
that's that's not right. Man. You I don't care you done? Yeah?
I mean, am I allowed to talk at all? Or
do you just need to keep going on and on
about your numbers? They go up on this podcast? Yeah,
I'm trying to get through as many questions as I
You were so long winded. I mean, that was so

(01:00:51):
long winded with me. Yes, is there a problem with that? Yes?
What's the problem. I'm trying to get through a lot
questions here. Just give a short answer. There'll play plenty
of other opportunities to answer these dumb questions. Aaron from Lancaster,
there's several landcasters. I don't know which one. Ben you

(01:01:11):
think have you thought about starting your own YouTube channel
like you could do? You and Roberto showing everyone how
to cook from Eric Aeron. I have thought about starting
my own YouTube channel. I've even thought about putting the
show on YouTube, but part of the problem is I'd
have to get approval from corporate. That's the first problem.

(01:01:34):
The second problem is I feel like radio should be
just radio, and when you put a camera in the studio,
it doesn't become just radio, it becomes a TV show.
It's like, listen, Colin Cowhard does a great job, very successful.
He does a TV show, doesn't do a radio show.
He does a TV show and it works for him.
But I like doing radio. I want to do a

(01:01:55):
radio show. And once you put a camera in there,
it's like that study what was the think of it?
The one about factory workers? How will you put a
camera in there? And it changes everything changes? You know,
you know what I'm talking about. I mean that alone
changes you. When you go on camera, the way you
deliver information is drastically different. It's the hawthorn effect. Is

(01:02:19):
it's a hawthorn effect. It's people's response. They studied factory
workers their productivity. They said it increased when they were
being observed and they knew they were being observed. That
it's and there's another term I'm forgetting that you put
the camera in there. It's like a German term and
it changes. I don't remember what it is. But that's

(01:02:41):
the reason why we have a CU rating, right, I mean,
because we're curious to see how people rate on camera
by how they present themselves as opposed to the material
that they have in hand. So that's the other thing now,
full disclaimer for those out there that are curious. I
have tried throughout the last twenty four to thirty six
months about doing something during Ben show for his show,

(01:03:05):
and every time I brought in cameras or a light
kit or my computer and a couple of camera stands,
I've always gotten a couple of smartass comments about what
the fund are we doing in there? Why do we
need to dress up? Yadda yadda, ya ya bitch and
moan and exactly, yeah, it's come from Ben Mallory. Hasn't
come from anybody else trying to I am first in

(01:03:26):
line to do a TV show. I've done television. They
had a TV career for like a year at the
NBC Sports Network years ago, and I'm not against doing television,
but for me to get all dolled up and to
sit in makeup and to put fake hair on, which
is probably what they're gonna have to do at this point,
and all that stuff. For me to go through that,

(01:03:46):
I need to check. You don't pay, So why should
I play if you don't pay? You know what I'm saying,
Like TV wanna, it's a given take. You have to
look like a ken doll and they doll you up
and then you end up getting paid for doing YouTube
stream I don't get paid for. Of course you do.
You could set your platform up to be monetized, absolutely,
you can. Yeah, you gotta get I think it's a

(01:04:08):
million people or something like that. To make any real money.
It's either a hundred thousand downloads or ten thousand subscribers.
So is that collective downloads or per video downloads? It's
collective downloads. There's well, I do because consider the one.
I'm the one that's done the research on this stuff.
YouTube Studios is in Culver City, Bend, So I have

(01:04:29):
certainly looked that way without you saying anything about let's
try this or anything in the nature, I have looked
into a thing very much. So yeah, keep deflecting. Yeah, alright,
let's see what else do we have here Moving Man
Matt from Boston. He's stuck in Salt Lake. Then an
earthquake in Salt Lake this week. He says, when will

(01:04:51):
that pussy Willow David Gaggon step into the ring with me?
What ring? The verbal octagon? The verbal octagon with with
moving Man Matt. Yeah, guy would just body slam you.
He would pulverize you. He's a big, tough, Boston moving guy.
That guy is got thick blood. You are a soft

(01:05:13):
west of the four oh five pussy Willow. He would
eat you for lunch. Are you done at the Fallacio? Wow,
that's embarrassing you. You can't stroke that guy. That long
one hit the Mallard food Tour, the trifecting and he
looks like it too. He's a good look at man.

(01:05:36):
I don't know about all that my type, but he's
a good look at man. There's there's only one person
that ever getting the verbal octagon with, and that's probably
your best color in blind Scott. Oh, I thought you
would say Chris and Houston. Chris, and he likes you.
I think Chris secretly likes you. Well, I know who
he likes. He likes brand family's mother and he likes
everyone else's mother or girlfriends or wives or whatever. It is. Yeah,

(01:05:59):
so interesting, It's unfortunate, but yeah, blind Scott is definitely
your best caller, Greg, and Iowa has a question. He says,
how many no contact restraining orders does David Gascon currently
have to his name? That's a great question, Gascon? Would
you like to reveal how many? Don't lie? Now, how
many restraining orders you currently have? I got none? But

(01:06:20):
if you want to be the first, Greg, we can
make it happen. Bob from New Hampshire, you're lying. Bob
from New Hampshire writes In says, it seems like you
talk faster on the podcast, and then Bob has a theory,
is that because you want to spend his little time
possible with Gascon? Or he calls you Gaston. Yes, Bob,
I try to talk as fast as I can. I'm

(01:06:43):
a blabber mouth blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahlahla la la.
And just to end it, yeah, do you want me
to answer that truthfully now? For you? Well, because Bob
Bend actually does this from his his bed he records
the podcast I'd dummy. He doesn't from bed while I'm
here in the studio, and so I'm stuck. You're getting

(01:07:04):
the coronavirus. I'm safe from the Mallard Manchi. Who's the
loser in this equation? In your face? Lugo. Lugo, the
p one in Lancaster, California, very big in Lancaster, says
when are you going to go live again? I think
he means like a meet and greet. I enjoyed the

(01:07:25):
last one. No time soon. Yeah, that ain't gonna happen, Lugo.
If that's what you mean, that's how I interpret your question.
I'm gonna hold off on the meet and greets for
a little while. Not that I'm that concerned about the coronavirus.
Just you know, I'm okay, I'm good. Chris and uh Mark?

(01:07:45):
Is it? Marca Kenna, Iowa? Never heard of this town
in Iowa? Do let me look it up here in Iowa,
Des Moines, Iowa. That's about it. That's all that's relevant.
Iowa city. Oh yeah, that's a yeah. I have a
friend from the moyn Let's see here, let's look at
the city of It's m a q u O k

(01:08:10):
E t A. All right, it's located on the maka
Keita River. I'm probably butchering the name of that on
Roots sixty one. It's in the quad Cities area. Apparently
it's how it has traffic from the Quad Cities area Iowa, Illinois. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

(01:08:30):
it's right on. It's right on the Illinois side of Iowa.
So I probably goes to Cup games. Crap like that.
It's called the timber City state motto or the city
motto one of a kind. That great. Come on, we're
getting an education on a random town in Iowa. Appreciate

(01:08:51):
people from that town. How about this Sage Rosenfeld's former
NFL quarterback stage. Rosenfels is from this town and huge
social justice warrior st Rosenbell's h Norris Brown, the senator
from Nebraska from the town. Who else do we have here? Uh?

(01:09:11):
I don't know. A businessman Joseph adding, uh boy, what's
the population of that city? Uh? The population of this town?
And I let me look as see him on the
page here population total six thousand one. Um. They actually

(01:09:36):
said lower than supposed to be, less than six thousand.
They think in the the upcoming census, which is going
to go on this year. So it's about a block
of Los Angeles, actually not even a block. That's like
a half a block of l A. Is that many people?
But to answer your question, Chris, uh, his question is
how did you meet your wife? I met my wife online?

(01:09:57):
I did. I was doing online dating, and I met
a lot of people that were terrible, horrible human beings.
I'm one that was good and I was able to
hornswoggle her into marriage, and so that's how that went.
But I did internet dating for a while. I think
that's how most people date these days. But maybe I'm
wrong on that. But you're you're a single guy. I

(01:10:18):
guess I would use a dating apps. You on all
the apps and all that. I don't do online dating.
Do Let's below you? Yeah, you to Elite that's right
west of the four oh five. Well no, there's there's
actually something nice about going out and and hunting for
your food. So I did the same thing with dating.
There's nothing wrong. It's it's hunting, but it's like going

(01:10:40):
to the grocery store. No, it's like going through drive through.
That's exactly what it is. Yeah, but uh, you know,
not all of us can have as much leisure time
as David Gascon to go out and socialize and buy
jin bourbon and whiskey at bars. Because some of us
were doing weekend overnight's guest gun and some of us
were locked into the radio station every Friday and Saturday

(01:11:01):
night for ten years and couldn't go out and meet
people when normal people would go out and meet other
people on a Friday or Saturday night. Some of us
are not as blessed to have as much free time
as you. Listen, dummy. When I first started in this
my three I worked for I Heart Radio in San Diego,
making eleven dollars an hour part time Monday through Friday.

(01:11:26):
I didn't I didn't leave my house. And then when
I got here to Fox Sports Radio, and not only
did it worth the overnights, which, unlike for you, was
eleven to three, my schedule was actually ten pm till
six A. Again, you are uneducated and side so I
don't work at the starting age of Fox Sports Radio.

(01:11:49):
When I began it Fox they it was like a sweatshop.
I did a four hour update shift. I did it
from ten o'clock till I guess two in the morning,
and then I did a four hour show, so I'm
up to eight hours. Then I did three more hours
of updates when I got done, and that was my

(01:12:12):
Every Friday and Saturday, that was my shift. I did
four hours updates before my my show. I had to
prep for my show while doing the updates, and then
I did the update, it did the show, and then
I had to do three more hours of updates when
we got done. So it was a fucking nightmare. And
I was so mentally drained by the end of every weekend.

(01:12:34):
I had no energy to go out and go anywhere,
mentally drained from doing from doing sports. You were mentally drained,
Unlike you. I actually put some thought and effort into that.
I mean I I put a ton of prep and
thought and I had to drive a lot. Well, it
doesn't show, so maybe you should stop doing it, because
whatever you're doing work every time proving your performance. That's
not true at all, because every time I offer opinions

(01:12:56):
or thoughts or information, you treat certain people like like
you do your producers, and you just blow right by
them and ignore them and just put your foot on
the gash. Moving on, What do you have here? Uh? Dan?
From Durham, North Carolina, says, which seventies eighties a woman
was hotter Olivia Newton John, Lonnie Anderson from w k RP,

(01:13:19):
Diane Parkinson from The Price Is Right, Debbie Harris from Blondie,
and Foeb Kates from Fast Times at Ridgemond. He well,
this is easy for me. I was a kid wanting
to be on the radio. So I love w k
RP in Cincinnati and it was one of my favorite
shows at that time. So I'm gonna go Lonnie Anderson

(01:13:41):
for the win. Good job by her. And when I
was shocked when I got to the radio station and
the people that worked there didn't look like Lonnie Anderson,
I was like, Wow, what happened? That She's pretty hot,
or at least back in the day she was hot.
Yeah in her day, while these women were attractive in
their day. You know that you I don't even know
who these people are. No, I don't. I hadn't even know.

(01:14:05):
I'm not in that age bracket. You were born in
the sixties. I don't know. I'm not really uh familiar.
I mean Diane Parkinson, she flipped cards on the Prices Right.
She pointed at the showcase showdown. I mean a big deal.
So you're not gonna answer you you're a loser, sorry, Dan,
I answered, he did not. Fats from Philly. I love

(01:14:28):
this guy, Fats. Fats is moving up my big board
of Malla militia p ones. Of course he sucked up
to us. He bought us a big box of pretzels.
I love the Philadelphia pretzels. Thank you so much, Fats.
I gotta answer Dan Parkinson. You just looked her up. Yeah,
there you go. Uh well, look up Debbie Harris and
these old ones. I'm Olivia Newton John I'm going Lonnie Anderson. Anyway,

(01:14:50):
So Fats from Philly. Very generous, he says, Hey, Ben,
since you're of Jewish origin, besides yourself, who are your
top five Jewish celebrities? And he gave his list and
he's got this is great. He's got Mo Howard, Curly
Howard mel Brooks, Getty Lee and Ron Jeremy are his
favorite Jewish celebrities. I don't really have like a favorite

(01:15:14):
Jewish celebrities. This I know the athlete thing I could do,
like everyone says Fat Sandy ko Fax is the end
all b R. But what about Red Rboch the greatest
coach for the Celtics, those great Celtic teams. Jew I
always loved when I was younger, like Randy Macho man
Savage is technically Jewish because he's not He wasn't religious,

(01:15:36):
but he's it was slide into a slim gym. Was
that his life? But his mother was a Jew, So
the Jews, if your mom's a Jew, your qualify as
a Jew. Uh. And and there was a boxer the
former heavy there, I guess there were a couple of
heavyweight champs, but Max Bear in the nineteen thirties was
a heavyweight boxer and he was a Jewish guy, and
he was the champion of the world. And so that

(01:15:57):
was always like a badge of honor. And by that
you know ly allows Ado, Yeah Jewish? Who knew Bill
Goldberg from wrestling? He's a Jewels. What about Mari Stademer
Sean Green form of the Dodgers, Sean Greens on the list,
Kevin Euculus allegedly the Greek god of walks, although he's
a Jewish anyway. So Jordan in Seattle writes and he

(01:16:21):
says for both of you, and he says, have you
ever walked in on people, He says, uh, screwing ever
walked in on that, guess on people doing the dirty? Yeah, twice,
and I actually was sleeping one one guy brought his uh,
his booty calling for a night. That was pretty wild too.
So yeah three times. Once in San Diego, twice in Vegas,

(01:16:44):
of course. But not your parents or something like that.
You're knocking on that. No, so a lot of kids
will walk in on their parents doing the dirty. Yeah,
but you never had that. I think it's only happened
one time, as I remember. I think I would remember
if it happened more than one time. But I also
was at a hardy and uh walked in the wrong room.
I didn't know where I was. It was somebody else's

(01:17:05):
house I had not been to, and I made the
wrong turn and some people were making whoopee in one
of the bedrooms that I didn't know it was a
bedroom now it was a bathroom now back in the
in the day. Did you ever take trips out to
uh to Lake? HASU? No? No, I've never been to Lake.
Has never never been well Lake. There's a lot of
debauchery that goes on there, used to be, in fact,

(01:17:27):
in when I was when I was in at l
Communo and playing junior college ball. We went out there
with a bunch of teammates. There's five of us and
we're all nineteen twenty years old. And there's a spot
in Lake Havasu, an area called Copper Canyon, which is
usually a spot where all these boats will They can't dock,
but they'll just drop anchor there and set up shop.

(01:17:47):
But it's also a good launching points. If you want
to jump off a couple of rocks from like low
to mid too high, you can do that there. Um. Yeah,
girls got after it back in the day with the guys,
and I remember distinctly we had shot large pontoon boats
that were connected to each other with like kegs and
speakers in the whole nine yards the third boat that
was connected to us. Yeah, I mean you had a

(01:18:09):
couple of people having sex, I mean point blake range
from a couple of people and everyone else gathering around
and they just, yeah, they went at anything goes. Police
came eventually, but they didn't even break anything up. They
just told people to like stop having sex. They just
it was it was pretty wild, like havasty back in
the day. It was just I mean that was x
red into the tea. So you are such a perfect

(01:18:30):
isn't that where they made the Girls Gone Wild videos?
A perfect? I don't care? Alright. A new from Owensboro,
Kentucky says, what advice can you give me to help
me get through my surgery? I'm having surgery this week.
I'm having a huge bladderstone remove. Well, you've come to

(01:18:51):
the right guy. I knew. I'm a surgery veteran. As
you know. The goal bladder has been five days in
the hospital, all right, So I don't know how long
your recovery is gonna in the hospital. You got to
get out of the hospital as quick as possible. I
assume you will get out as quick as possible. Um,
But planning, like anything in life, you've got to plan out.
And I always have a problem finding interesting ship to watch,

(01:19:14):
and so I spend most of my time on the
weekend trying to find like a documentary to watch that
I find mildly entertaining. So you got to do your
prep on that, and you know, you get some get
some tunes going, gonna have some some entertainment to distract
you from the boredom. Much like the rest of us,
have to do right now because of social distancing and
you're not supposed to go out and all that. Yeah.

(01:19:35):
I think the other two things are actually three things.
One is make sure your bed is properly set up
so if you're sitting up or if you're laying down,
you're comfortable. Uh. Two you have a straight line to
the restroom whenever you need to go. And I think
three for me, which was important. I don't know if
it was for you Ben when you had surgery, but
if you don't need to take any pain medication, don't

(01:19:57):
take it. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, that's a great advice. I
I am such a whimp, okay that I I see
these stories about people getting addicted opiates, opioids and all that,
you know, and so I didn't want to take I
had the gall bladder searcher, I had another procedure a
while back, and I didn't take the pain medicine. Yeah.

(01:20:17):
I mean I I have them, of course, you know,
just that they gave them to you just in case.
But I was like, yeah, you can probably sell those
for like twenty five dollars a pill. Now. I've already
had people I work with in radio they're like, hey,
you want to you need those pills, we'll take them
off your hands. Good viking in the coding, the all
that stuff. I mean, if you don't need it, don't
take it. I mean, because it's just so much your

(01:20:37):
stumming too. It eats you up. So if you're not
you're probably gonna have a suppressed appetite anyway. So when
you take the pain medication, it uh, it adds to that.
So Josh writes in from Indiana. He says, let's see here.
I just want to ask you, if you were to
run out of toilet paper, would you a invest in
a a day be use an unpaired sock or see

(01:21:02):
waffle stop your poop down the shower drain. Waffle stop? Good,
that's funny, Josh. I like that waffle stop your poop
down the shower drain. Well, no, I think the move
is you you poop on the toilet. Obviously you do that,

(01:21:22):
and then man, I mean, it is a tough call
because sometimes it doesn't all exit the way it's supposed to.
Ex got some hangers on there. But I would just
do the shower. My wife would like to get a
bi day, but I don't know. We spent so much
money on this fucking kitchen and all this. I don't
I don't really need a bad day. Yeah you say,

(01:21:42):
investment with Ben Maller not happening. You gotta go shower.
Shower is easy, it's comfortable. Um, the messes isolated, but
day with the Mallards came over. Uh see what else?
This is? From Michael in Newton Falls says, since we
are in a social distancing thing, who who is the

(01:22:04):
one caller you couldn't stay away from? And who is
the one you're happy about having a social distancing there?
He goes from Michael from Newton Falls. Um, and I'm
gonna tie this into this other question from Mark who said,
if you had a had to choose one of these
callers to be roommates with, who would you pick? And

(01:22:24):
then he listed Blair in Maine, flexis Marcel and helmet
Man at the Roach motel. Fuck? Alright, so I love
helmet Man. He's a very personable person. But there's no
way I want to hang out at a roach infested
with vermin all over the place apartment. I'm not gonna happen.
That's not gonna happen. Felexis God, No, felexus is seems

(01:22:48):
like a raging alcoholic. I don't want anything to do
with flexis um because Flexus has been like good and bad.
He's very moody alcoholic, if that is correct. And then oursel.
I don't think Marcel's left his apartment in Brooklyn, which
is a part of two f by the way, in
the projects in Brooklyn in a while. The one good

(01:23:09):
thing with Marcel is that he'd give me all the
breaking news. If I live with Marcel, and Uncle Dynamite
would come over and and deliver snacks. I would pick
Blair in Maine, and I'll tell you why, because Blair
lives with his mom, and his mom would like I
get home cooked meals from Blair's mom. How great would
that be? Be wonderful. She'd clean up, she'd make the

(01:23:30):
bed and all that stuff. She'd she'd clean up my
my dirty laundry. And it's wonderful. Yeah. Now for entertainment purposes,
I know this question wasn't asked to me, but I
don't think you can go wrong with Mark the full
name guy. Oh so bring him up. That guy still
sends me crazy email every fucking and I'm not gonna

(01:23:52):
listen to your show anymore, you're a loser, and then
like a day later, he's right back. I don't think
you can go wrong with Tammy because Tammy is Tammy
is a you know, I would classify Tammy as she
would be the equivalent of Mike Trout. She's a five
tool player. She's a five tool human being, Ben, because
she takes care of people. She takes care of your staff.

(01:24:14):
And how do you know she's because I've worked on
overnight shows where she'll take care of our entire crew
when we're either hungry or someone's birthday or someone celebrating something.
She always does something that's that's nice. She's outgoing to
which is great. And I think if you need stories,
if you need a perspective, you can't go wrong with

(01:24:35):
I'm a pilot. Guy is just amazing, like probably one
of the best players that you have in your roster,
Ben Maller, I'm a pilot. That guy would be great
just for the stories alone about what he sees, does
and experiences. And I know you don't like him as
much as I do, but I mean, I think you
missed a spot. You might want I think I'm through.

(01:24:57):
I might want to touch that up spot in the
back there. We'll do a few still, yeah, limited time,
but we'll do a study this. I got a couple
of these. Not a great week for studies this. Uh uh?
What are you on your phone right now? I heard
a little Oh you are you on? That? Was? I
heard that? Everyone heard that on the podcast? Did you

(01:25:18):
hear you are distracted? You're not focused on the podcast.
I am focused on the podcast. That's a lie. What
did you hear? All right? What percentage of adults fear
that Martians will invade Earth within fifty years? So you
think that eight percent of adults are worried that we

(01:25:41):
are going to be attacked by aliens, It's actually one
in five adults fear that Martians will invade Earth within
the next fifty years. I'm not really worried. I'm not.
I feel like we're living through a Martian invasion right
now the way things are going. Let's see here, what
percentage of Americans now turned to technology for a better

(01:26:06):
night sleep, meaning these sleep apps and all that mumbo
jumbo to I think it's like six and ten six
of adults turned on some app, whether it's a meditation
app or some sleep sound bullshit. You know YouTube has

(01:26:28):
sleep sound music that's like eighteen hours of a ridiculous
thing like that that you can put on your phone
when you go to sleep and it just plays. Do
you play that stuff? I've tried everything because I have
a real walky sleep schedule, and it didn't work. My
my wife's mom, my mother in law, is a nurse
and she does a great job at a big hospital

(01:26:48):
in l A. And she found out from somebody. She said,
I got this this video that they play for people
that have gone to war and can't sleep because they
have pt SDE you know, they're dealing with the ramifications
of that, which is a big problem for these guys
and they come back. And she said, this works. This
is what they use in the hospitals to get people

(01:27:09):
calmed down, to get them to go to sleep. And
so she sent it over to my wife and then
I got it and it didn't work. I was so bummed.
I was so excited when I heard about it, and
I was like, oh, this is great, this is the
this is the fix for my lifetime problem of falling asleep,
and turned out it was not. Let's see here. Study

(01:27:29):
says fake news is making the coronavirus situation even worse.
I believe that. But what is fake and what is real? Though? Yeah?
Who the hell knows? The lines have been blurred as
they say, what age? Here's a good one, guest scout.
This is very important for all men as they age.
At what age do women start turning into their mother's

(01:27:54):
We all turned into our fathers or mothers eventually. Can't
fight it, just deal with it. It's gonna happen. So
when you women typically hit menopause, is it forty five
or fifty? I'll go with fift. How the funk would
I know? I'll yeah, you're terrible. Women start turning into

(01:28:20):
their mothers when they reached the age of thirty three.
What about men? Though? Uh? Into their father Yeah, I
think it's I think it's much letter than that for
compared to women, I'll say forty five. It is later,
but not not that. It's one year they say at
age thirty four. According to new research um They said

(01:28:42):
daughters are most likely to start adopting the same attitudes
and taste is their mothers in the first few years
after having their first child. Menopause happens between the ages
of forty five and fifty five. So I was close.
Well you've already started menopause. Shut up, dick, all right,
you set yourself up for that, dummy. What else do

(01:29:04):
we have here? Oh? This is good. This is an
environmental study. New study shows that seat turtles. Why do
they eat plastic? I don't know. Why do they eat plastic?
Because they say they seat turtles? It smells like food
to them. So I didn't know. I thought plastic didn't
really smell. Yeah, it shouldn't unless you got stuff on it.
So alright. New survey reveals that blank percent of Americans

(01:29:28):
think they'll eventually get the coronavirus. What do you think?
I'll say six, very very close. Sixty five percent of
Americans think they will eventually get the coronavirus. What percentage
of Americans think they have it right now? A quarter?
Now lower. A new study claims that twelve percent of

(01:29:51):
adults don't have one of these best friend No, well
that's you. You don't have a best and you're missing
a bestie. Uh. They don't have a credit card. Well, shocking,
twelve percent of it all do not have a credit card.
That's that's really shocking. That's great, all right, Uh, let's
see we have one more kind of like that. New

(01:30:13):
survey found Americans are rapidly outgrowing this part of their home.
The living room, no kitchen, no, the bedroom, No the
garage that do you stack your garage or do you
have stuff in there? I don't have a garage. Oh

(01:30:34):
you don't. Yeah, the house we're in they renovated it
and the garage is like an extra bedroom. Okay, so
I parked the mall and will be all outside. You
have a massive driveway too that you have a massive
drive away. That thing it's not even that big compared
to some of the other people around here. But yeah,
it's a it's a decent sized driveway. It's very steep,

(01:30:55):
though I don't like how steep it is. It's like
thirty yards. It stands a lot of out of a
place to this good place to park your car. That's
you know, that's why we have it. Like, that's why
we don't need it a real traditional garage because there's
plenty of space there. Yeah, you have a mile long
garage or driveway, a garage, a fire pit, a massive
backyard like you have. You have a white collar home.

(01:31:18):
Like it's very I'm living the American Dream. Yeah, three
million dollar net worth, Ben Miller, Wow, West of the
four oh five gas gone. Yeah. I love how you
took a shot at me because I was trying to
promote a local Mexican spot in Manhattan Beach night during
your show. And that's the way that you did it.
It's the way I did it as a schmuck, by

(01:31:42):
saying we get cancel are fasting for a day, like
bragging about look at the food. I look at my food.
It's Mexican food. Everybody fucking eats it. Not everyone who
doesn't love Mexican food. People that don't like Mexican food.
I don't know, and I don't know any but I'm
sure there's people that otherwise. The only restaurants we'd have
our Mexican I love Mexican restaurant. Yes, the chips, the salsa.

(01:32:04):
I'm all about that action, boss, I'm all about that action.
All right. Let's see what one more study year? All right?
Have you noticed that certain people are better off at
fighting the flu than others? Left handers quote a new
News study, it has been revealed that it actually doesn't
matter if you're left or right handed, but it is
related to the first flu strain that you encountered as

(01:32:26):
a child. He goes all the way back to childhood,
they think, and it depends on how you handle it
as a kid, and then you know how your body
responded to it, and that for the rest of your life.
We'll set you up on a certain path. Did you
have chicken pox as a kid. I don't believe I
had chicken pop. I don't remember having chicken box, so
I don't think I had chicken pops chicken pox. You

(01:32:48):
I didn't. I mean everybody in my family the chicken pox.
So it says a lot about your family. The Jordan's
people have chicken pox. I probably did. I don't remember that.
I must have been so young I blocked it out
or whatever I do have. Don't stick to sports stories
of the week to oh, I don't have to do them.
You know you unbelievable, not prepared, gascon not prepared, Jess.

(01:33:11):
I got something I can do all the heavy lifted
jet again, just as you just lay and you do
lay up radio podcast. How about you just throw me
under the thus. How about you be prepared? Man. This
is why I try to tell you. I try to
tell you not to not skate by and you continue

(01:33:33):
to scape by. That's not true at all. Yeah, that
is that's not true at all. All Right, Uh, here's
I got some stories that came out this week. Let's
the oil prices could fall below zero. How about that
crude surplus could overwhelm global storage. Yeah, we certainly have
plus year in the United States. Yeah. Yeah, the oil

(01:33:55):
prices are plunging and they could get to zero. Now
what does that mean for gas? Like the price of
gas that has to come down too, But how low
can it go? Because a gas tax like in California,
I think it's like a dollar tax almost that we
pay per gallon, So it can't go like under a

(01:34:16):
certain threshold. Right, I've seen gas right now in Texas
under two dollars, Oklahoma's under two dollars. We're still like
right around what to eight three dollars? Yeah, it's in
that in California. Last I checked, it's it's in that
area right around there. What other do you want me

(01:34:39):
to do all the world? How about this one? Ben? Okay,
it's not like I didn't find join the party just
late to the party, but I'm glad you just had
to bring it out because I was yelled at earlier
for being long winded. Um, you got Times Square right
now has guys, usually men, dressed up as as characters
and they're chain singing around tourists for hugs during this

(01:35:02):
coronavirus outbreak. How about that again? You got guys they're
dressed up as characters chasing people around. Oh yeah, like
in Times Square and yeah, chasing them around for for home.
Why would they change that? These people have been doing
that for years in New York. Do you know they
dress up as Elmo and chase you around Times Square? Yeah,

(01:35:23):
like dressed up as as naked cowboys. I know you
love that. Uh. When I used to live in Hollywood, Um,
what's the Hollywood Highland? N what's that Hollywood and Vine. No,
it's Hollywood and Highland. There's like a theater there. It's
right near the we used to be the Grahmins Chinese Theater.
Here's a big shopping center and there's underground parking and

(01:35:46):
I used to go there sometimes with the food court
neat And one time I was in the food court
and all the characters that would be out in Hollywood
Boulevard with their costumes would go up and they would
eat in the food court and it was so funny
because there was one guy that walked in dressed like
an e walk like he was a vertically challenged human being.

(01:36:07):
And it was the funniest thing because the guy, I
don't remember what he ate, but he sat down and
he took his little ewalk helmet you know, mask off,
and then he sat there with the furry outfit on,
eating his meal. It was it was the funniest thing
in the world. That is unbelievable. Um, I still close
my eyes and see it. Now here's the story again.

(01:36:28):
I'm gonna send this to you so he can keep
track of this. This is your comic book guy. Uh
not really, Yeah, well this could get you into comic
books because this is finally come up with a character
for you. Marvel Comics recently introduced the Protege's that will
mentor under the original New Warrior in the Outlawed spinoff

(01:36:51):
mini series one. One of the New Warriors is named Snowflake.
That's right. It has been confirmed to be a non
binary superhero. That's right. Marvel Comics going full on PC
and they are going with Snowflake the non binary and uh,

(01:37:14):
this it is a whole right up here, I sent
you the story. Um, this is from a writer for
Marvel dot Com actually wrote the story. The New Warrior
writer told marvel dot com, how great is that? As awful?
I want my child to grow up to be a
non binary superhero Snowflake. How about this? I know that

(01:37:40):
how would Snowflake attack people? They're superpower be to protest?
What are they gonna? Man? Their their way to rebel
is to go hey, hey, ho ho, you gotta go
right one of those things? Yeah, a chant? Yeah? Man?

(01:38:04):
How about this? I know we talked a few times.
Get down. There's a snowflake movement in this town. No
parting in the streets of Portland, Oregon. Maybe, Um, we've
talked so great that we're alive and we can live
in the era of Snowflake the non binary superhero. That's

(01:38:24):
just what I wanted when I was a kid. Oh,
my God's great. Well, this is so good. This is wonderful. Guest,
are you gonna add this to your book? I need
to get a Snowflake action thing. I wonder if you
could dress them up as as uh as media people.

(01:38:45):
I know that you take shots at some of the
people in the sports industry like reporters and and hosts
and whatnot that get on their soapbox, that go on
the slope and the snowflake route too, So it might
be an opportune time to dress these people up put
a name tag with it. Well, that's great. I mean
I will use that in future mild monologues for people
that are soft. Instead of calling you a Mr. Softie

(01:39:07):
or a Mama Luke, I will say you are a
Marvel superhero snowflake. Oh my god, the nine non binary.
I thought Robbie the Mariner fan was the non binary superhero. Well,
according to Justin and Cincinnati, step right back, you've got competition.
That is the case there, man. How about this in

(01:39:28):
Berlin right now they are suffering quite a bit, obviously
with the coronavirus outbreak, but because of that, profits are
down fifty percent in brothels right now over the past week,
week and a half. What are the whore is gonna do?
I don't know, but this goes from anything from sex
to bathing too, massages, the whole nine yards. And I

(01:39:49):
know you haven't gone to any of the kind of
uh Swedish Asian parlors out here in Los Angeles. But
but yeah, you can certainly mix it up. In Berlin.
It's a little bit more, or I guess, lucrative for
some that work out there, and obviously appeasing to the
gentleman that go for their for their pleasure. But so
far the city has confirmed three cases of the coronavirus.

(01:40:13):
But obviously it is hit the clubbing industry, the nightlife
and of course the local brothels there. Well, you know
what you have to do, guests, and get on a
plan and go over there and support your local whore man.
Come on, man, what's wrong with you? I looked up
a round trip ticket from l A to London three
hundred and fifty four dollars right now, you gotta do it. No,

(01:40:34):
I wouldn't do it, but I had to take a
piece a little bit. Man. Come on, well I could
do it on your dime, Like if I get a
listener to that one? How about this? How about this?
If you get the coronavirus, then I'll go because you're
good right, yeah, I mean perfect right, I can fly
with the coronavirus. You would live like a king if
you get the coronavirus, because you don't have to worry
everyone's freaking out by the unknown. But if you get

(01:40:55):
it and you don't have a bad reaction to it,
then you assume you're okay and you're good. Well, that's
perfect because I wouldn't probably be allowed to board, and
if I got into Heathrow, they would probably take my
temperature at the gate, So there's no way to be
admitted into London anyway. So if I contracted it, I
was diagnosed, I mean obviously had to show symptoms, but

(01:41:15):
if I was asymptomatic, maybe there'd be a chance. But
that's awesome, Like you're not rooting for the binary anymore, snowflake,
but you're rooting for me to get the coronavirus. That's awesome. Yeah,
it would be good for the show. It's great for
the show. That means be the answer to a Fox
Sports Radio tribute question, the first get the company to
get the coronavirus. Yeah. I would look forward this year

(01:41:36):
to your holiday party too. Oh, you're not going to
the holiday There will be no holiday ending that God?
Why not no holiday party? Oh and now who's the snowflake? Oh,
you unwashed losers want you my house, spreading your vermin
all over my house. You're you're a bunch of yeah
because we can't eat any cold, raging Cajuns anymore. What

(01:41:58):
was me occasions? You are so stupid. It's it's the
mascot of a university in Louisiana. It's raising Caines eiven one.
All right, are you done? What do you mean? Am
I done? I gave you two stories because you want
to take the limelight away. That's fine. I know you
need the attention. It's all about you. It's all about
your name is on the podcast. My name is on

(01:42:20):
the podcast, and I got adjust my goddamn schedule for
your fucking Hollywood auditions. You fucking lose you now. Seriously,
I want you to know full disclosure here that this
podcast has been recorded a different day, not because I
had it. It's one thing if I have a scheduling issue,
because you know it's the Ben Fifth Hour with Ben Maller. No, no, no,

(01:42:43):
I am. I am having to adjust my schedule to
accommodate the wishes of that that schmuck, David Gascon, the
narcissist David Gascon. I think you'd be happy for me,
But first of all, what else do you have to

(01:43:04):
fucking do? Today nothing. I have a network radio show,
but I have to prepare for right now, do you
understand what do you have to do tomorrow? I got
a lot of things going on tomorrow. I don't think
you have a lot of things, lots of all. I
gotta work out, I gotta figure out how to work.
I was gonna take me longer to work out, and
I have to go to a park and do all that. Yeah,

(01:43:24):
I can send you a video teach you. I'm convinced
you try to provoke me. You try to provoke me
because I've told you a month ago. I said, listen,
I cannot do the podcast on the day that you
want to do the podcast. It has to be on
this particular day. And you were like a couple of weeks,
you were a good soldier, right, and then all of
a sudden, you know, no, no, no no, no, no no,

(01:43:45):
you gotta bring in all the drama and all the
fucking emotion. You're like, we're not gonna do it. Listen.
I mean part of your different day, well, a part
of your day has been cut off because you can't
go to Costco anymore for free samples, so that at
least four hours out of your block that are free
now that is um no costco. On the weekends, I
got some more free time on that. There's not a
lot of content out there, and you should probably rely

(01:44:06):
on your producers more to help you produce the show overnight. Well,
I don't know if you know this, and I probably
shouldn't say anything, but I don't do anything like full disclosure.
I show up at ten fifty nine, which I show
starts at eleven in the West, and I'm completely unconcerned.
I am very calm, cool and collected because I know
that my producing staff they have done a full right

(01:44:29):
up of the shrone. Okay, I have everything I need.
I have all the sound I need. Uh. They scour
the internet to find audio, unique audio. They do that
all the time. Uh. They prepare bullet points for mallar monologue.
So I sound very good. Um. So I show up
and I have the easiest life in the world. I mean,

(01:44:50):
my guys do all the work for me. I show
up at ten fifty nine, I leave right after the
show and I'm good to go. So some wonderful life
that I've lived, I have chosen to live from myself.
So why are you tearing me a new asshole about
doing this on a different day. I mean, well, because
the podcast, you don't do the things that my other
producers do for for the regular show, you don't put

(01:45:10):
the work in. Oh you know, you don't prepare. You
just were caught with your pants down here with that
little hey, don't stick to sports stories of the week.
It's bad job by you. I feel like you've you've
turned on man. It's rather unfortunate. I feel like your
eyes are darting back and forth because you're lying right now.
I can see your eyes starting back and forth. It's

(01:45:32):
not true at all. I was just minding my own
business now that I've been shamed in the corner because
I don't put in as much effort as you do
money correct, Just want to point that out right now.
You're fleecing the people, that's what you're doing. Alright. I
hope you get the job, guess I thought. By the way,
my brother in law works in the movie, well, he

(01:45:55):
works on the set. He builds the sets and stuff.
He's on the crew that builds the sets for TV
shows and movies and stuff. He's out of work right now.
They're not filming anything in Hollywood. They've shut production down,
but you are still finding work. Well here's a story.
You are you gonna do a commercial for coronavirus. Well,
here's the story. A quick story I did. I had

(01:46:15):
an audition last week for a a sports drink and
it was for a sportscaster roll and I think it
was the same audition that your former dentist was involved with.
Two And I was called the following day for another
audition which took place last week. And then I was
contacted by the agency. It said, hey, you need to

(01:46:38):
be available for a couple of dates on a Thursday,
on a Friday, possibly a Saturday, for fitting and for
shooting this commercial. So, um, it's not in the bag,
as they'd say, I can't book it. But I show
up to the fitting and then if they like what
they see, that's the finalized product. Then banged. The next

(01:46:58):
day I shoot it. So there's a access man, so
give me some time. It helps the show, doesn't It
doesn't help. It adds more content to the show, as
opposed to you bitching and money about your stupid fucking schedule. Alright,
you're boring me. I gotta go, I gotta I gotta go.
All of a sudden. You gotta go. I gotta go.
Places to go, people to see, things to do. Alright, unbelievable.

(01:47:21):
Are done, Yes, I'm done. Alright. I have a great weekend.
Be safe, stay away from everybody. Live the life I've
been living my entire life. And we'll catch you on
the radio next time.

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