Smörgåsbord

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the
old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads
in the Ghetto Cutter the same as the rich pill
poppers in the penthouse. The clearing House of Hot takes
break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben

(00:24):
Maller starts right now. That it does, and we are
in the air everywhere the vast power of the I
Heart Podcast Network available wherever you get your podcast. As
you know, this is a spinoff of the Overnight Show
because four hours are not enough, and this is a show.

(00:44):
We can do things we're not allowed to do on
the Overnight Show because we don't have the FCC breathing
down our neck, and we can do interviews. Don't do
interviews on the Overnight Show. We did have the Pizza
Guy on this week, but that's an exception to the rule.
So it's the fifth Hour and then we are joined.
Eight day is a week now for Better or Worse
by the man known as gag on David Gascon right

(01:06):
over there. I feel like it's like the second coming
of your wedding vows. Right for better or for worse
sickness and in health told that do us part? Is
that how you're kind of saying like a relationship, Like
I I compliment you on the radio, right, it's not good?
Crazy did send me a steak? So that was how
good was that thing? Like that's you're just fishing for compliments.

(01:30):
We get we get to do one good deed every year,
and so that might be my good deed for very
nice of you, sucked appreciate that this has been a
wonderful year. I'm sure we'll all look back fondly at
this and brag to future generations that we live through this,
or we'll complain about living through this. But either way,
we'll have a story to tell. And as I told you,
use it goo guests, and I learned from Dr soth

(01:52):
Sus it's all about the stories you pick up along
the way of life. So let's jump right, and we
gotta give me a longer podcast because we had hacks
on on Friday. We had our doctor g that came
on on Saturday. Domestic doctor. We had, we had international
last week and now we have domestic here. Yeah, so
that's great. I love the fact that we have people

(02:15):
that are in the audience that are like smart people
that work at hospitals and stuff that have important jobs.
Because I often get emails here your your your listeners
are a bunch of Neanderthals, and they're you know, a
bunch of you know, knuckle draggers and all that. I'm like, well, no,
we have all kinds. Normally, the more educated types don't
call into the show. You know what I'm saying. You know,
it's or they they're not as big as they're not

(02:36):
into being characters on the radio. These guys, the other
guys are like, I want to be characters in the
show anyway. You also said that your executives that listen
to the show usually can't sleep, so they'll turn you
on like late at night. Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool,
and it's like a hidden gem of overnight radio is
that there's so many people that have sleep issues. I've
gotten emails from people I'm like, no way, that fucking
person is in this show. And like, you know, people

(02:58):
I watched in the NFL when I was growing up
that are like retired Now. I've had executives at companies,
big companies that are fans of the show. It's wild,
like they want to hear Doc Mike talk about his piss.
I'm like, really, but anyway, all right, so we've got
study this, pop quiz, grab bag, don't stick to sports.

(03:19):
This is like the greatest hits of the Fifth Hour podcast,
all in a row. So we'll get to as many
of these as we can. We obviously there's some time issues.
I don't know we'll get to the full edition of everything,
but we'll give you a little bit of this and
a little bit of that, and then we'll see what happens. Yes,
all right, so why don't we start with study this.
It's a homage to Penn and Teller, their old show Bullshit,

(03:40):
and we determine whether these are real or bullshit. We'll
do a few of these. And I've complained over the
last couple of months because I like reading these studies,
but a lot of them are just ridiculous, and it's
seemingly all about the coronavirus. And I don't want to
make this show all about the coronavirus. I'd like to,
you know, kind of having a soft landing place, although
it hasn't been at least recently. All right, so uh

(04:00):
here it is coping with Corona. Here we go. Uh.
They say that the way many people are coping with
the coronavirus is uh snooping, hooking up, doing the naughty,
doing the dirty. One in four adults say that sex
is helping them get through quarantine. I believe that because

(04:23):
didn't you run with the story a couple of weeks
ago that that sex toys were were in high demand. Yes,
yes there was a run on this, but twenty I'm
surprised it's not more than that. Yeah, maybe it should
be more than that, you know what, And since you've
mentioned it before. With Vegas opening up here shortly, I
think that number is gonna skyrocket in the coming weeks.

(04:44):
No pun intended. Yeah, but that they said star this
week there's there's probably not gonna be a baby boom,
but I thought there would be a coronavirus baby boom
coming at some point. Divorces and babies. I think those
two things are gonna happen sometimes here the near treat
All right, Uh, this they're calling this the Corona Days.
New study outs as the average person forgets what day

(05:07):
it is five times purring the week during the week
because of the fact they're at home all the time
a lot of these people and they're not using their
normal routine. You buy that that five times and we
It's not five times for me. No, But I just
keep going. I'm like, I just I put my head
down and I just keep going. And I'm like, okay,
And then is it a day I don't have to
do something. Then I'm like, okay, this is good. This

(05:29):
is a different day. But yeah, I think it depends
on the state, especially with the weather conditions that we
have right now here in Los Angeles or in California
in general. But man, with over thirty million people across
the United States laid off or fur load, that's uh,
that's an alarming study. I don't know if I buy
that though. It seems like a high number. But you're

(05:49):
including everyone. You're including people that are older and maybe
their memories not that great and all that, So you're
including that. All right? How about this one, Mozart for
your memory? New study out says that listening to classical
music helps students achieve higher grades. Now, I don't know
where this is real bullshit, but I tell you what,

(06:10):
Sometimes when I'm prepping for the show and I'm trying to,
you know, put some thoughts down on you know what
I want to say in a Mallard monologue and get
a couple of bullet points down on that. I will
have classical music on, especially now because typically I would
watch sports. You know, he getting ready for the show,
but there's no sports to watch. So yeah, I'll put
I go on one of the music apps and I'll

(06:31):
put on some tunes and some classical music. And I
often feel like either jazz with non vocal jazz or
classical music. When you drive around with that on, you
feel like you're in a movie because that's always like
the music in the background in the movie. Yeah. Yeah,
so I feel like that. But uh yeah, I'm gonna
buy this because I feel like I'm focused. Maybe it's

(06:51):
just in a placebo effect it could be, but I
feel like it does It doesn't take away from what
I'm doing, and if anything, it might enhance them. Yeah,
I'll just say it would. I mean different music will
bring out different behaviors in you. You know, if you're
listening to rock or metal or a turn of music,
I would imagine like you're gonna have a d d
uh as opposed to like rap and hip hop or

(07:12):
you know, something else of the nature as opposed to
classical music. That's that's pretty fascinating. Now do you write
down your notes though, or do you type the notes
to help you retain that information? Uh? Well, I have
like I do, like bullet points stuff and try to,
you know, think about what would work, you know, and
then yeah, you know. Unfortunately, usually what I think is

(07:33):
going to happen, then what I say on the radio
or two different things. So that's normally what happens. But
the best laid plans of mice and men, as the
old line goes, right, So I think this would be great,
and then I, you know, funk it up. I was
so tired the other day. I was doing a monologue
about pippin versus Jordan's Yeah, and I was so fucking
tired that I got I asked, you know, I try

(07:57):
to set it up and I ask a question, then
I answer it, you know, as I U like I think,
I said, like, whose side are you on? Pippen or Jordan's?
And I was on Jordan's side, but I said pipping
just like because I was like, I don't know, I
don't know where that came from, but I like, what
the fuck Anyway, a couple of days later, I'm still
piste off. I don't know if you had any friends
were like this, but I had a ton of friends

(08:17):
that had issues like that because they're working late or
they had to study in the morning time for tests.
But friends in the medical industry or friends that were
in law man maybe popping adderalls left and right to
keep themselves up, like seven. They're a Seattle seahawk play absolutely, yeah, yeah,
I don't do the adderall I should have done. It's
my job by me is I have the caffeine, which

(08:38):
is my adderall, like the caffeine pill, and I'll take
one of those and then I'm bouncing off the walls
going rat a tat tat, doing rhythmic chaining and all that.
So um, but all right, another study intelligent life on
other planets. The odds say it's a good bet according
to a new study. I don't know that we needed
this study, but Columbia University Department of Astronomy says a

(09:00):
study on how Earth developed can be used to figure
out if alien worlds can also support life. If you
want to mind fuck, go out. We've all done this
at some point. Go out away from the city lights.
If you live in a city and lay down and
look up on a clear night and tell me there's
not other life out there, just tell me that with
a percent that there's not other I mean, it's just endless.

(09:23):
It's wild. It's absolutely wild. Um. And so as far
as the actual numbers here, let me give you the
actual number, you can see page down here, page down.
Let me see, I gotta find the numbers here. Um,
let's see they say the actual numbers on this are.

(09:45):
They say, they give me the fractional lots, so I've
got to adjust it. Let's see here is mallar math. Yeah,
they say, well this is I think it's more than
that though, because they say it's about in favor of
intelligent aliens. Okay, so the differences intelligent aliens got, I
believe I wouldn't be shocked if they're like living amongst us,

(10:07):
you know what I'm saying that I wouldn't be like,
like we're well, it wouldn't be amazing if it was
like the Twilight Zone and we're all just some kind
of weird science experiment. Yeah, wouldn't that be amazing? Did
you ever see that old school movie with Roddy Piper
called they Live. I did not, man, it's it's so
relatable now you gotta watch it. I forget what year

(10:28):
it was made. But Roddy Piper basically comes across these
just black sunglasses one day in an alley, I believe
it was, and he puts it on, and regular human
beings are in fact aliens, And and you look at
buildings and it will say, like, let's just say, for examples,
like Ross or Sears or thrifty, and it would give

(10:51):
the underlying message that that department store or pharmacy was
trying to give you, and it would say like Ross,
but underneath it when you put the glasses on, it'
say manipulation or control or like sex or murder. Who
you think it's pretty wild? So yeah, why not? And
I believe it. I mean I think that, like you said,
I think the number is a lot harder than that, though. Yeah,

(11:12):
I would agree with you on that. All right, Yeah,
and we're don't study this another study here. Uh, this
is great. This is a great homage to Benny versus
the Penny a Bid I've been doing for a long
time on radio and now on podcasting. And it says
that there. It is right there, says people, according to
a new study, are happier making big life decisions by

(11:34):
flipping a coin. I have a I have a theory
on this guestcount. So I think the reason this is
this new study has found that people are happier when
they flip just flip a coin to help them make
some of life's toughest decisions. This is from the University
of Chicago study. My theory is, if you flip the

(11:58):
coin and it doesn't work out, you've got a fall coin.
You know what I mean. You can blame the coin
and say, wow, funk the coin. It's not my decision.
The coin made the decision, not my fault. I funked
up my life. The coin funked up my life, and
you can blame the coin. It's a great, great alibi.
Have you ever created a list like pros versus CON's
on any big life decision you've made. No, but not recently.

(12:22):
I'm sure years ago I did, But I'm I'm not.
I'm not not gotting down that road I have. You
know I've never done that. Um, I mean, I've never
done that at a table, whether it's roulette or craps
or black. I mean, I've never flipped a coin to
make a decision in my life. I have, you know,
playing around with the family, I'll be like, all right,

(12:43):
we got two restaurants, you know, we got two tribes.
We got this side of the aisle wants to go
to cheese steak factory, cheesecake factory. This side wants to
go to uh to Tommy's or whatever. And then we'll
flip the coin to the side with you. I'd be like,
let's doth well. In my younger days, I would have
done that and another one. I would have stacked all three.

(13:05):
That would have been my my eating here. All right,
here's another study that says every heart beats to its
own rhythm when listening to music. New research. You believe
that's that kind of relates to the classical thing? We were, right, Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
I think this goes to another movie. But Demi Moore

(13:28):
was in this one, g I Jane, and she's a
she's actually entering the Seal program and she's the only
female that's in the program. But they're up longer than
twenty four hours. All these men and her are simply
gassed from working out and exercising but one of the
exercises they need to do was in the middle of
the night during a storm, is there indoors and they

(13:50):
have to write. They have to write and tell their
command or like why they joined I think, either the
Marine Corps or why they joined the Navy Seal program.
And what does he do? He hips on classical music.
So these people are dead, tired, fatigued muscles, mind everything,
and he puts on classical music. And I think they
jack up the heat in there to make them even

(14:12):
more tired. And they gotta righte this out in a
timely fashion with classical music in their ears. So yeah,
I believe that. I mean that goes to work. When
you work out, do you work out to heavy metal
music or anything that's upbeat or do you work out
to something that's more chill and slow? No, no, I
work out when when I back when I used to
work out um and the gym, I would have upbeat

(14:35):
you know music to be what I would listen to. Yeah,
I believe that it makes sense. So yeah, it says
each person's heart tells a different story. It's like poetry. Oh,
I guess it makes sense though, because you think about uh,
your d n A right, they figured that out. Everyone's
got their own d NA, their own set of DNA people.
People die of broken hearts me here and all the time.

(14:55):
Like seventy year eight year old couple, one of them passes,
the next one follow right after, and that's because they
have a broken heart. Yeah. By that, I believe that.
That's great. Another thing we can worry about, all right,
run for your mind, gas Gan says. News study says
regular aerobic exercise can turn back to the clock. If

(15:19):
you've got an aging brain. They say, get out there
and shake it up. Shake it up. Sounds like Scott Pharrell, Uh,
and you can. You can make that happen, but you
can turn back the clock, Steady finds. A new research
suggests that just in just six months of aerobic exercise
can help rewire the brain of an older adult to

(15:40):
perform as well as they did at a younger age. Yeah.
I believe that too, because you're you're jacking up your endorphins,
you're lowering your insulin levels, and in your mind just
becomes more focused. I mean this helps out though with
with intermittent fasting, like don't you feel don't you feel
more crisp? And clear when you're fasting as opposed to

(16:01):
when you eat. When you eat heavy too, I don't know,
but I do when I eat a big meal, I
do feel sluggish. Now. I never used to feel sluggish.
That's one thing that I do not like about intermittent
fasting because it takes away because I was It's kind
of like when I was big eating gascon, I was like,
you know, they say drunk, the way that you don't
have to have a hangover is just don't stop drinking,

(16:22):
you know. And I didn't stop eating for years, and
so it didn't matter what I eat. I did big
meals and I wouldn't feel the effects. But now as
I have gone into this the last couple of years,
I've been starting to do the fasting thing, and so
I do notice, like on the weekends, I feel bloated
and stuff when I eat a big meal and I'm like,
oh shit, I'm just like I'm I'm becoming a piss

(16:43):
and here or something like that. Yeah, it's it's it's
It's one of those lines like motion creates emotion, and
so when you're running, whether it's for a long period
time or short period time, you get those endorphins flowing
at the blood and the juice is going back to
the mind. It's it's a powerful thing. And I just
want to tell the s any people that are like
fat shaming fat people, as a recovering fat man myself, Uh,

(17:05):
you cannot talk up to a fat person said don't
you you feel better if you don't eat you know,
or you eat smaller meals, that they don't feel better
because their bodies trained to eat all those gigantic meals
and they're not They're not gonna. They think that's bullshit.
So anyway, all right, last study this for this week.
This comes out of Scotland. UH study in Scotland says

(17:27):
that as Scotland emerges out of the coronavirus lockdown there
they they leave it unhealthier. They say four out of
five people reported an increase in harmful habits picked up
during the coronavirus lockdown, including smoking. They started smoking or
smoking more, drinking or drinking more, and doing unhealthy eating,

(17:49):
according to a new study. And so the question is
is this everywhere? Is it's just in Scotland. I think
it's everywhere. I think people have been eating bond bonds
all day and all night sitting in their underwear, smoking, drinking,
and self medicating themselves over the anxiety of either losing
their job or possibly losing their job or taking a

(18:12):
pac I think perfect sense. Yeah, because people stress, eat,
they stress smoke, and they stress drink. I think those
things all come into play absolutely and with with the
apps that we have here in the United States. Then
you get the mobile apps you can place in order
and have someone pick it up and drop it off
at your house too. So this happens for everything, alcohol, tobacco,
and food. Be sure to catch live editions of The

(18:33):
Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven pm
Pacific on Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app.
All right, let's get to pop Quiz, my favorite portion.
We have a bunch of email a bat grab bag
questions and also don't stick to sports. We'll get to
that as well. But here's the pop quiz. Digital overload
the average adult, according to a new research, so the

(18:55):
average adult will spend blank number of their life staring
at a screen number of number of years. Oh um,
what's the median age here in the United States. I
think it's seventy two. Um, I'm gonna say, gosh, this
is a dangerous one because it's not like the digital

(19:16):
platform has been around forever. I'm gonna say years wise,
I'm gonna say twenty four years. You're somewhat in the ballpark,
but loosely in the ballpark. They say that digital overload.
The average adult during our lives will spend thirty four
years of our lives staring at either a phone, a computer,

(19:37):
a television. About that, I believe it where zombies. It's
we've become zombies. We just stare at screens. That's all
we do. Yeah, I mean, sounding like my grandfather. Part
of it is to make this relatable to a lot
of people, as if you've been with a casino and
then you know this when you go to a casino,
the things that you do and don't observe in there.

(19:58):
What there's no clock, the ceilings are usually bright or
they're like a vibrant color, and there's oxygen. So you
have all those elements that keep you inside the casino
for the purpose of gambling and pisting all of your
money away. Cell phones, uh, your digital apps, televisions, they
all have those lights that keep you compelled to looking
at it NonStop and you're not even aware of it. Yeah,

(20:21):
those dastardly Las Vegas tricks that they casinos do, and
that's from years and years of research of human being,
studying humans like guinea pigs to figure out how to
keep them gambling in the casino. They do the same
things at shopping malls, uh and in any place they
want you to spend money. They find reasons, whether it's
sense like the smells and they put in the perfume

(20:44):
or whatever they throw in there. This the music that
they play, it's all it's like it's like fast food.
When you think of any major fast food company or chain,
their colors are either red or yellow or yellow and red.
And that's for the purpose of catching your eyes. Like
the two most popular cars are ticketed our vehicles that
are either painted red or painted yellow because that's what

(21:04):
the officers see more often than any other color driving
on the on the on the roadways. Yeah, and we
remember we talked about the health Halo. We did the
podcast about the health Halo and all that and the
different buzz terms that they use there that get people
all all fired up. Homegrown, homegrown, that's another one. Homegrown

(21:25):
is a good one. Farm was it farm to farm Fresh,
you know, another another thing and uh yeah, Big Chicken.
I still remember that. That was a fun podcast. If
you didn't hear that. If you're new to the podcast,
go back and download. Was it called Big Chicken? I
forget what it was called, but it was a pretty
I liked that one. That was one of the podcasts.
That was one of my more enjoyable podcasts as opposed

(21:47):
to any of the other ones. Yeah, I hate it.
All the other ones I can't stand anium, but that
with that one, I liked that one. I enjoyed very much.
All right, let's press on here. Let's see here we
have more pop quiz. A new forts says, sales of
this food have gone up a hundred and during the
coronavirus pandemic. Sales of this food. Yeah, the last couple

(22:09):
of months. Um do do do, do do do? I
can't beat meat. Do do be? Is it cereal? No? No,
it is a It is a meat. It is hot dogs,
easy to make, simple, relatively cheap, decent meal. All right,

(22:30):
hot dogs, Dodger dog, Finway Frank monster Dog, Finway Monster Dog.
I always thought that Dodger dog was was good if
if grilled properly and burned up. But you've been to
Boston even a Finway. Oh my god, those hot dogs
are this guy Phil in Cambridge. Uh you know he
he would hook me up with like a set like

(22:51):
it's like I had, I had a'm I'm an addict,
and he would feed my addiction because you can buy
those hot dogs that the store is locally in a
Massachusetts and stuff in in the New England states. And
he would send me some. And I have summer barbecues
with those Finway monster dogs. Let me tell you something awesome. Now,
whenever you go visit your brother in New York, do

(23:12):
you ever walk the streets and an intoxicated night you
order hot dogs from the street vendors. No, I know,
I love the street vendor pretzels. I like. I like that,
although the Philadelphia pretzels better than the New York pretzel,
but the New York pretzels much better than the l

(23:33):
A pretzel, which really doesn't exist. So yeah, and uh,
and you know I like that. In New York they
think it's the it's open twenty four hours, but anyone's
lived there or been to New York knows that. Yeah,
you can get a turkey sandwich or pastronomy sandwich at
the corner Delhi twenty four hours, but a lot of
the city shuts down normally like everywhere else. It's a

(23:54):
myth that everything's open twenty four hours. Not true, right,
moura pop quiz. Sleep of forces on the rise. Blank
percent of couples want separate beds? Now, alright, what percentage
of couples do you think, according to this survey said
they want separate beds. So this is moderately high for this,

(24:14):
I'd say on the study ago thirty six percent. Wow,
you were very very close, but you did go over
thirty five percent. Thirty five percent according to that study
that people are just trying to go into separate beds.
There you go. They say what intent? Adults say they're sleeping.
Struggles have led them to consider an actual divorce. But

(24:37):
they said thirty five percent, I want to go on
go on separate rooms. That's like the early remember the
early Hollywood shows they would have they would not be
in the same bed. The Woman and the Man wasn't
I Love Lucy was like that? Right? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
I think that was the one. I remember reruns of that. No,
no sleeping number beds bed job by them? All right,

(25:00):
more pop Quiz. Got a few more of these, and
then we'll get to the mail bag. We well, actually,
before we get to the mail bag, we'll get to
to don't stick to sports, which is pretty much what
this whole podcast has become. Anyway, pop quiz. Most men
have stolen this from their significant other. What is it?
Man um stolen this wold lady friend or male friend? Whatever?

(25:28):
Significant Okay, so money money? Uh no, not if they're
still money from someone you're not gonna be with them
much longer. The answer is skincare products. Oh, that makes sense.
Like the guys stealing stuff? I don't know. Yeah, my
wife usually shoves stuff at me to put it on.

(25:48):
I don't have to steal with you. Put this on,
all right, whatever, leave me alone, I'll put it on. Fine,
all right, here we go, pop Quiz. People in the
early eighteen hundreds actually use this staple of summer barbecues
and meals in general as a medicine. It's originally a
medicine in the early eighteen hundreds. What is it, let's penicillin,

(26:09):
but no for barbecue. Let's say it's like barbecue or
just meals and pretty much everywhere. Now I don't just barbecues,
it's it's a food item. It's like a condiment. Relish
no ketchup Ketchup. Early in the I saw a documentary
on ketchup. Believe it or not. It sounds terrible thought,

(26:33):
but they said, before a documentary on ketchup, I'm curious,
like the history of stuff. And it was like the
history of Like, I was like, how did how did
we get to a point in Western society where every
restaurant has to have a ketchup bottle on the table?
Like what led to that? And they said before, like
early food, there was no guidelines, like the U. S
d A didn't exist or the U. S g A. Rather,

(26:54):
the agriculture people did not exist, and so they didn't
the food was not particularly did taste great. It wasn't
kept well, it wasn't safe, and so they originally put
tartar sauce on everything. And then when Hines the Hindes
group invented the catchup, that was like a game changer,
made everything taste better and and then the rest is history. Interesting. Yeah,

(27:17):
I watched that a few years ago. A study shows
this food is eating the most between nine and eleven PM.
What is it? This should be easy? How does it
say pizza? No? Come on, guess nine to eleven. You're
late at night, you're alone, you're watching television, You're sitting
on the couch. What are you doing? Ice cream? Yes,
ice cream? Late night ice cream? What's the go too

(27:40):
for you? Rocky Road Ship, I'm a cookie dough mint
chip guy. I go back and forth. Occasionally, I'll change
it up. I'll go exotic with strawberry. I'll throw strawberry
in there. That's an exotic thing. But you know, typically
my typical thing is cookie dough and uh that that's
my go too. But I like mint chip. I'll do
chocolate chip. You know, I'd actually branch out of those.

(28:01):
Those are my kind of go two things. What would
you do the My wife likes like a coffee flavored
type of peanut butters. You like peanut butter like pieces?
I guess. But no, I'm I'm either Rocky Road cookies
and cream or mitten chip. Usually it's mitten chip, but
and I'm not. I'm not one of those regular humans
that takes it and puts it into a ball. I'm

(28:22):
just like right out of the right out of the carton,
like I'm give me a spoon, give me a napkin
or paper talent, I'm gonna go. So you're a pig, yes,
I'm When you do, you don't have to worry about
sharing with other people. Know you're sugar now, but you
don't if you live with someone else, like a bunch
of people who were in your family or whatever, you
would be like okay, But but if I had to go, really,

(28:44):
to be frank with you, if if you ever take
the steps to go to seven eleven he needed a
quick snack, I do recommend the Snickers ice cream bars.
Those things are fucking amazing. The wrong answer. No, that's answer.
They're amazing. If you want relax, all right, I'm gonna
I'm gonna tell you something's gonna change your fucking life. Okay,

(29:05):
listen to me. All right. So there's uh in southern California.
I don't think these are everywhere. There's a there's a
local change which actually unfortunately west of the four oh file,
and they sell these chocolate chip sandwiches where you know
it's an ice cream sandwich with two giant, oversized, perfectly
breaked chocolate chip cookies and then a big mound of

(29:29):
vanilla ice cream. It is amazing and I would give
them a pop. I actually have one of my freezer
if you want me to go get it right now,
and I'm going to take a couple of minutes. But
it is amazing. It's the greatest thing. And I found
it at seven eleven. Yeah, I went in to get
ice cream, like you're saying, there on a hot day
during the summer, and I found this is I like,

(29:51):
I look, I really like cookie sandwiches, ice cream, cookie sandwiches,
and this is the greatest thing I've I've had it
and got from a seven eleven, of all people, and
it's from some uh some like restaurant bakery place in
in l A. But it's like somewhere near near the
ocean over there. That's pretty good. I know Disneyland served
those a lot. Oh yeah, those are good. That's a good.

(30:11):
You don't like the cookies sandwich, No, I do. I
just I haven't thought about that in a while. But
Snickers ice cream bars. Since we talked about the vetting
machines a lot, that thing came to my mind first. Well,
maybe I'll try a Snickers ice cream but it's delicious.
It's pretty addicting to alright. New survey done in conjunction
by some nutrition company found that the average American has

(30:32):
gained blank pounds while on lockdown. They say the numbers
only five. I don't know. I have not gained weight.
I'm very happy. I was good. I freaked out. I
told the story in the podcast. But when the gym's closed.
When I showed up to the gym and there was
a sign shut down by the mayor of Los Angeles,

(30:53):
I said, holy fuck, here we go. I'm gonna be
five hundred pounds uh next week. And I've been I've
actually lost weight, which is cool. I'm happy about that.
But you probably lost muscle masks because when you work
out in the gym, you're usually yes, yeah. So I'm
just walking around like an old like a wandering man.
I'm just win a muckle road. I'm walking down here.

(31:16):
And have you any weight from your facial hair? Though? Like,
have you let the thing breathe a little bit? Since
our our zoomie because I still got to do these
dopey YouTube videos and everyone mocks your your vanity and
how you look. You know, people are are evil and
so I try to I trim like once a week.
I tried, I don't. I keep some facial hair, but
I don't. I don't want to get rid of all

(31:38):
of it. So I'm Chewbacca, man, I am, I'm the
second coming of Chewbacca right now. You're Billy mays Man.
You are you have You should thank your family there,
because the genetics of the Gascon family a very hearty
set of hair. I mean you won that, you won
that battle. Yeah, but the chief doesn't have a beard,
or he doesn't grow a beard. He's got the stash,

(31:59):
but well that's the police stash though. You gotta have that, right,
But I mean I don't have that. If I shave
my beard, I don't have the kind of stash that
he has. Like I would never have that. Like I
think I told you before. My my buddy Patrick, he's
a firefighter, and so they can't have facial hair outside
of a mustache. Dude has a rock and mustache. Doesn't
have hair on his head anymore, but he has an

(32:21):
awesome stash that he is like the redheaded version of
Tom Selleck. I'm very envious of that. Wow, I'm just
happy I have hats that's all. Thank God for hats.
God love hats. Keep sending those hats, and you guys
have been great. I got a ton of these hats
coming in and I'll wear them all and I will
try to give you all as much love as I can.

(32:41):
All right. Be sure to catch live editions of The
Ben Maller Show week days at two am Eastern eleven
pm Pacific. More pop quiz. A new survey says, what
in three pets have two or eaten this household item?
What is it? I was gonna say a remote control.
That's actually makes more sense than this withilet paper? Oh
what the fuck? Yeah, only dogs? You're eating toilet paper? No,

(33:06):
I've never had that happens. Maybe maybe can't. I'm not a
a cat person. Yeah. New report says only of us
do this daily, even though everyone, depending on the weather,
is supposed to do it. Go outside. Uh no, no,
it's uh where sunscreen? Um? Yeah, we're sunscreens. The answer

(33:27):
on that fifty five percent of us say that we
would never admit to doing this unless we were caught
in the act jacking off. Speak for yourself. Uh, the
correct answer is hitting a parked car. Hitting a park car?

(33:47):
So this makes sense because if you think that it's
not on camera and no one saw it, then you
a lot of people. I can get away with it.
I'm just gonna run away, And I think that's right.
I think it's more than half the people say they
would not if they thought they could get away, but
they won't admit to the worst part, though, is when
the people do admit to it and they write a

(34:08):
note saying like, I'm sorry I hit your car without
contact information. Oh yeah, that's a dick move. That is
a dick move. I agree with you on that, all right.
Every year, nearly three hundred thousand of us are injured
by this common item that we use several times a day.
A door. Yes, how about that, guest? I was thinking
either a door or your bed post. Now, how is

(34:32):
one injured by a door? They slap in the head.
Did they touched the handle of the door and they
don't twist it properly? They hurt their hand? Like, how
does that work? I wasn't think. Yeah, if you open
it and you're looking the other way, or you think
that it's open, or or if you think a sliding
glass door is actually open and it's clear pathway and
you run into it. Yeah, I can see that. All right,

(34:56):
let's do a few more here and then we'll move
on from pop quiz. You eat this almost two times
a year? Wait? Did this one? Okay? We did? You
know what it isn't? I forget what? A lot of
these sound the same, but this is eggs a year.
Most people who plan a wedding choose to not do this.

(35:19):
What is it? Uh? Wait? Can you repeat that more time? Alright,
so most people who plan a wedding choose to not
do this. Uh hirah A wedding coordinator. No, I didn't answer.
I guess I didn't ask you the right. But they
make sure to not plan a wedding on a holiday. Kid, Now,
why is that? Wouldn't it be easier for you able

(35:41):
to travel to your wedding on a holiday. I just
want people to enjoy their holiday. And I guess not
A sister that planned her wedding and it was done
on the fourth of July. I planned my wedding, which
was I told my wife the other day, so you know,
we were ahead of the current. We had a social
distancing wedding. You guys are great distance. I mean there
was a destination wedding, well, when no one was invited.

(36:01):
We went to Hawaii on a deserted beach in uh
Kawaii and we had had a wedding, but it was
social distancing it so and I planned my wedding for
the All Star Break that year. How about that? That's
pretty good? Yes, the All Star Breakers. I figured every
year there wouldn't be sports, and now look at us. Here,
here we are seventy days plus without sports, and we've

(36:23):
all survived. The world has not come to an end.
Amazingly so, although it seems like it if you watched
certain TV channels. Uh, the first Volkswagens to come to
America lacked one in very but one very important feature.
What was it? When the Volkswagens came to America, they
were lacking this a break not break now a gas gauge.

(36:43):
The original Volkswagens did not have a gas gauge, so
you didn't know how much gas you had left. That's amazing.
That's a bit of a problem, right, Yeah. Have you
ever driven a VW bug? I have not. I don't
think i'd fit in one. I'm too tall. Maybe have
you driven uh one of the buses? I have not.
I have. I had a friend that had one. I
did sit in the back, but I have not driven.

(37:04):
All right, let's move on from from pop quiz. Let's
do you want to do? Don't stick to spence? Why
don't we do that? How about this? Uh? This actually
ties into your regular show too, because you do the
NFL book him. Yes, um, odds Shark right now has
lines out there for NFL player arrest the next odds
on favorite for a player being arrested would commit what
crime do you think? Yeah? I think I mentioned this

(37:28):
on the Overnight. Uh. Which guns are always big? I
forget I'm having amnesia here, but guns, domestic violence, d y, Yeah,
you're close. Those are the big three. Those go, Those
go four, three and two in order, Drugs is number one.
The odds on favorite is at plus one number one.

(37:51):
Come on, I don't have the chime, but yeah, plus
one six five do you wise? Plus two seventy five
guns plus three twenty five and disorderly conduct and then
vandalism is a big long shot of plus twelve hundred.
The problem is that typically these guys get arrested with
multiple charges, like you know what I mean. It's like
you get d u I and you had a gun

(38:12):
and in the car that you didn't we're supposed to have.
You know, you get pulled over or you're doing you're
doing drugs and you're you know, you're messing around somebody
beating somebody up, and so all these things are tied together.
That's wild. How about this coming to the UK in
the near future. Sobriety tags, now, how about this new
legislation is being passed to enable courts to enable people

(38:35):
to wear ankle tags to monitor their sweat levels every
thirty minutes to see whether they have drank alcohol or
not every thirty minutes. Yes, now it's a it's kind
of a good reason because the study actually found in
the UK that it estimates too out of every five
violent offenses are actually committed by drunk people. So if

(38:59):
it's a proved, the courts will be able to order
an absence of order requiring people to not drink at
all for up to four months and they have to
wear an ankle tag during that time period. Wow, So
this is this will eventually come to America then? Right?
This is is a test run, I assume, right, yeah,
because I mean people that have had multiple d ys

(39:22):
here they have to have the breadthalyzers putting their vehicles correct. Yes, yes,
so I don't know. Um, this actually is like an
homage to uh this is how is this relatable? Because
you were what three years ago? You were elected as
a Cleveland Browns fan, right, more than three years? Yeah,
I did a year as a Browns fan. I had

(39:43):
the ugliest Brown's hat in the world. I gotta find it.
Actually was trying to find it because I was gonna
wear it on one of the YouTube videos. Like I
got a lot of hatcher I've not been able to find.
I know it's here somewhere. I just have to track
it down, all right, Why bring that up? Because of this?
In Virginia, one of two suspects was actually apprehended after
the publick helped to lead to his arrest. Now, the
suspect robbed a convenience store. That's kind of happens every

(40:06):
day in the life of the United States, right, But
ben he did still with a watermelon on his head.
It was two guys who entered a convenience store and
they hollowed out the watermelons and ward over their heads,
and they opened up and they cracked open holes for
their eyes. Yeah. I saw this photo going around. I
got a couple of questions. First of all, like how

(40:26):
much weed were these guys smoking before they decided this
was a good idea. What movies were they watching? The
melon headed bandits they're calling them, right, that's where they're going.
And this is in Virginia, yes, is that right? Yeah?
So they were charged with wearing a public mask to
commit larceny underage, possession of alcohol, petty larceny of alcohol.

(40:47):
One of the guys that was at Brandon was twenty
years of age. So, um, this guy is gonna cure
cancer someday, this guy, and we'll all laugh that he
wore a watermelon. Maybe they're just Rams fans, you know.
I used to go to the Big A back in
the day. The Rams fans they still go to. There's
still a bunch of Ram fans. They wear watermelons in
their head. Man, you've seen that before in the end Zone, Yeah,

(41:09):
melon heads. But to rob a convenience store though at
this time of the year, Like, how did they get caught?
I mean, did they Was there a trail of like
watermelon seeds that one of them? I didn't get caught yet.
So he's gotta be a friend with the other guy.
He probably texted out, I got a couple of melons.
You want to go down and rob the liquor store.

(41:29):
But imagine taking the time to carve those suckers out
and be like, yeah, let's let's wear this and let's
rob a convenience. Do you think they did like a
dry run somewhere? And how about this last one? A
nurse in Russia was suspended from her hospital, and the
reasons are a little peculiar. Um Ben, She showed up
to work wearing just a bra and panties. But it

(41:52):
wasn't just that she wore that under her transparent ppe outfit.
So you know, I'm sure she was just trying to
lift the spirit. It's literally in figuratively, but she was
assigned to an all male patient wing for males who
were diagnosed with the coronavirus. Yeah, listen, she's trying to
cheer the guys up, keep them excited for life. You

(42:14):
know why why should be shame this one? Yeah? She said,
does I think I saw it in a porno years ago?
So let's come on, he's living out a real life porno. Yeah, exactly,
a little role playing. I talk about the naughty nurse.
I mean, my goodness, but she had a good reason
she said, like she said she was too hot and
the ppe outfits and goals that they wear or made
a vinyl so you know, in terms of breathing a

(42:35):
little bit, uh the airflow, maybe she was doing heroin
and she just you have people to take their clothes
off or bass salt or something like that. They just
ripped their clothes off. Maybe she had that going on too.
The pictures. Yeah, I mean people would you think that'd
be to be okay with this, but if you if
you don't have a body like that, they'd be upset.
But it's the It's like, really and how did this

(42:56):
become an international story? This came out of Russia to
a tula Russias that were what are we doing? I
don't know, but you imagine someone that's a stick figure
or that's a little overweight is probably really into this.
So yeah, that's there you go. It's the world we
live in. Fox Sports Radio has the best sports talk
lineup in the nation. Catch all of our shows at

(43:16):
Fox sports Radio dot com and within the I Heart
Radio app. Search f s R to listen. Live. All right,
let's get to mail bag. These are actual questions from
actual listeners like yourself, from both the email bag, The
Real Fifth Hour at gmail dot com and our Facebook
page Ben Maller's show. That's where we get these questions

(43:38):
pretty much exclusively. I did want to reference something from
a previous episode of this podcast. We told a wild
story from a p one who did not want his
name revealed Billy Bob about an incident that had happened
at a store where somebody, some woman was shaming his
daughter and they got up into a dust stop and

(43:58):
the police officer came over and they the guy ended
up not getting arrested, and he credited our show a
little bit because he was able to to talk to
the police officer and the officer didn't know about the
show and became a fan of the show, and so
so it's a nice story. And you know, we have
no way of verifying these things. We asked if they're
the officer was listening to reach out to us, and

(44:21):
sure enough, uh, the officer did reach out, and for
obvious reasons, he does not want his name mentioned, but
he said that this has actually happened more than once
where he Recently, he's getting calls from people who are
fighting and yelling at each other because they're not wearing
masks at stores that there's masks shaming and the police

(44:43):
have to intervene. I mean, what what are we doing here? Seriously?
Like what the fuck? Bad job by you? I mean, okay, listen,
I think people should. I think the mask to me
is more of a placebo thing, to be honest with you,
But people is, people are triggered by this stuff. So
just just doing if they don't want to. I look

(45:03):
at people want over masks. That's fine, good for you.
I walk around without a mask on. I'm a rebel,
but I have a mask just in case if I
you know, if I see something really old or sick,
I'll pull it up just to make them feel better. Yeah, now,
refresh my memory, Ben, This officer actually was in the
car with the listener and he subscribed during uh the

(45:25):
actual incident. Correct. Yeah, well, he wasn't in the car,
but he was like next to the car and the
the guy, the big fan of the show had the
podcast on and he's like, who's that guy? And then
they started talking about the show, and then eventually it
got to the point where they guy subscribed the officer
subscribed to the podcast and and so yeah, this is

(45:47):
the story we saved this guy from from from jail.
So that was uh, apparently legit at least the the
gentleman sent me an email to say it was. This
is the way that it went down on and he
did send it to the official fifth owner email. Andre. Now,
do we get a state? At least can we side
a state? We probably can't do the city, but can

(46:08):
we do the state? Yeah, I don't want to. I
don't want anything. To get back to this particular guy.
And uh, it's not California, it's not the West Coast.
The guy that had this happened to him, I guess
is from l A or whatever. And he said that
the guy told him about the characters on the show
like Doc, Mike and Blair, and uh, and I laughed

(46:31):
my ass off. There you go, he says, when your
boy told you how much you hate the cheating Astros.
And this guy's a Yankee fan, so he's this officer
is a Yankee fans. So anyway, I'm not saying his
name anything like that, but thank you for listening. I
appreciate it. And uh, yeah, good to me, A good
job by I think anytime you can avoid sending people

(46:51):
to arrest or jail for dumb ship, just tell him
not to do it, knock it off. I think that's
to me, that's great police work, all right. So other
question Shane in Springfield, Missouri. They have open buffets here
in Springfield, Missouri now, but they have a person at
each station dipping out the food onto your plate. Are
you good eating a buffet like this from Shane? Can

(47:16):
I answer this first? Sure? I feel like I should
be okay with it, but part of me says that
when I go to make that that entrance to the buffet,
I'll immediately be fat shamed for for overdoing with certain items,
no matter what it is. Because I tend to go
when we go to buffets, I don't know how you are,
but for breakfast, I go heavy on the bacon. I'm

(47:39):
heavy the bacon. Yeah, I go heavy on the bacon.
I go heavy on French toast or on waffles. But
I feel like if someone's there giving me the bacon
and the waffles, I'll be fat shamed. I totally agree.
I think the whole point of the buffet is to
just gorge and just eat and eat and eat, and
just be an absolutely out pig right and devour the buffet.

(48:05):
And yeah, it's it's human nature. Someone's handing out the
fetty cheenie alfredo, and you keep getting the fetty cheenie alfredo.
You overdo it, You're stuff in your face. They're gonna
like either roll their eyes that you give you some
kind of body language thing. Even if they don't say
it verbally, there'll be some kind of message. They said, hey,
you might want to get a personal trainer, mix in

(48:26):
some jumping Jack's fatty or something like that. Right, they'll
send some kind of message to you. Uh so, so
I believe that. But as far as I know, you
should be afraid to go to a buffet. And I
just I've seen this is the end of the buffet.
They'll never come back. I don't believe that. I think
that's over the dramatic, being a prisoner of the moment. Now,
I will say it's gonna be a while, but they're

(48:46):
not gonna it's not gonna be the death of the buffet.
I do feel better in one aspect though, I do
feel better because you do get some assholes. They'll either
pick something up and then put it back because they
don't want it, or they're just touching all kind the
ship or breathing all over everything. At least you have
someone there that's monitoring on stuff. I feel a little
bit more comfortable with that. No, I mean it's it's

(49:08):
actually very smart. Who decided. I don't know whether the
government did or the people that run the buffet there
in Springfield, but it makes a lot of sense. I
mean that way, you don't have to go out of business.
You just have to hire a few more people to
dish you out the food. And it seems like that
would be fine hygienically. I would think. I'm like that
with fried food too, like fried chicken fu. Yeah, chicken strips,

(49:30):
potato wedges, your name, and I mean those big biscuits
with the gravy. She's making me hungry, all right. This
one's from a new in Owensboro, Kentucky. He says, would
you trade jobs with your wife for a week? Uh? Well, no,
I would not change jobs with my wife. I mean

(49:51):
I would try it, but it would She's got a
lot of stuff going on at the police station. The
problem with her job is it's it goes from zero
to a hundred and and so, so if if you
were to switch jobs with your wife, do you think
you would start off every caller and every call with
like a personal monologue that says, well, where do I
grade this? On my mallard packed sale of all right,

(50:14):
so your your dog is choking? All right, I've got
three things alright, three things on? Yeah, I watch the
nine one one operator. If you don't, I don't know
about that. Tony Milwaukee right since says what was it
like to have groupies draped all over you guys? Well, Tony, listen,
we're living the dream here. We're rock stars. Everyone knows

(50:36):
weekend podcast people and overnight radio people. Really, I don't
want to debunk that myth at all, because we really
had were like the Beatles back in the day. We're big,
We're like bebes. Justin Bieber were like Jay z U
people just they they overindulge in the show. They're huge
super fans clearly, and beautiful people to beautiful looking people
that love the show. Well, you get the males. I

(50:58):
get the females. I do appreciate the Ben Mallary Well,
speaking of the females, Rigo writes, Ince isn't for guess
gon most disgusting sexual encounter and in what city did
to the Kurk? Go ahead, guess gon? Uh, well, we're
in Vegas. You got that number one answer. It's the
number one answer. But I'd rather than I get into

(51:20):
that on the podcast. No specifics here, no, no, no specifics.
But you did correct, you did guests the correct city
was since city, Las Vegas, Nevada. Yeah, so I guess
you would say the you want to protect the guilty
is that? Yeah? I mean I'm part of that guilty party,
but uh, you know, being being that we've well I've

(51:41):
been in Yeah, no, Vegas is Vegas is serily number one.
More Tales from the Naked City Vegas, San Diego, l A.
I don't know, Ethan and Acron writes, and Ethan says,
you guys have any big vices, something that's tough for
you to stop doing for long periods of time? Says
his is he's a young guy. He says, his his

(52:01):
baseball video games. He cannot stop playing baseball video games.
I don't know if that counts as a vice. Yeah,
I think it can be if, especially if you're playing
at eight nine ten hours out of the day. Yeah,
I know, but I always think of like the vices
they always bring up. They can ruin your life, you
know I can. I can certainly ruin your life. I

(52:22):
got a lot of vices, but I have I admit
that I have an addiction problem. So if I find
something I like or love, I can addicted to it.
I told you what two weeks ago about the kit
Cat bars, and here the mint ones, and now I
ate like seven of them during a three day period.
I mean, I get like that, whether it's chocolate or

(52:44):
playing video games, not gambling per se, especially because I
make the effort to go to Vegas as opposed to
doing any online gambling. Yeah, I don't really think I
have many. I guess the one thing that I'm obsessive
about is the preppertion for the show, like I think
I should. Sometimes I think I go a little too much.
I'm like, it's an overnight show. What am I doing here?

(53:06):
But I'm like, well, it's my name's on it, and
I should probably work at it. But I I'm like,
I'm not. I'm not a carpenter, I'm not a welder,
I'm not a plumber. I'm not an electrician, I'm not
a freemason. What the funk am I doing here? You know?
I'm like spending so much time preparing for this and
like and then I take a call from Doc Mike,
who's encouraging you to guzzle your piss. So what are
we doing? That derails the show? I'll get my one

(53:28):
big vice now, I guess his energy drinks. Like I'm
just I'm in a big coffee guy. But I do
fall prey to the energy drinks no matter where they're
at or who's offering them. I I do submit to
at least one a day. This is from Queen rocks
Inn in Denver. She says, for you both, what sport
do you think will return first, NFL, NBA, NHL or baseball?

(53:51):
And how do you see yourself celebrating that particular moment. Uh, well,
it's a toss up between hockey in baseball. I still
think baseball will figure things out, but that's all gonna
happen about the same time. I think they're gonna open
things up for sports to play games in July. Yeah,

(54:12):
so I think we're still over a month away from that.
But I think the NB and the anhel come back
um at the same time simultaneously, because their seasons are
both pretty much in in conjunction with the summertime getting underway.
So I'm gonna go hockey. I'll throw hockey out. Yeah,
I'm gonna say the n b A Major League Baseball,

(54:32):
they still any time for these guys like they don't
not if they don't have spring training. And you can't
include the NFL because they're not gonna get into it
until September anyway. So Jason and Bakersfield right, since says,
do you guys download The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller
to get more downloads? Yes? I subscribe the hell Yeah,
of course I subscribe to the podcast. I forced my
wife to do it. My in laws, I forced them

(54:54):
to do it. I've tried to convince my father to
do it. I don't think he's figured that out yet.
But yeah, I courage everyone I know saydah, help us out.
You know, yeah, why not? It's hardly it didn't cost
you anything, and then we get some some good stuff
out of it. The hardest people to have subscribed to
this as our co workers. Oh is that right now?
I think it's people over a certain age do not
understand podcasting. Yeah, but we work here and everyone listens

(55:18):
to every hot take artist that we have here on
the network. So like, you don't want to listen to
more sports talk radio, do you? No? No? I do not, Yeah,
I do not. Is that your computer, by the way,
that's a company one? Okay, the company computer. Jimmy from Portland,
Oregon rights and he says, are we going to get
to boo the cheating as Astros in a few months?

(55:38):
Please don't say no, no, no, no, no. Um Jimmy,
here's the thing. I I do not think we're gonna
be able to boo the Astros anytime soon. But it
doesn't matter. I will carry the rage. I will. I
will use my neurosis towards the Astros, and they're gonna
get their come Uppan's we will get our vengeance against

(56:01):
the Astros. It's just delayed. It's delayed gratification to boot
the Astros. But I would be surprised if any real
number of fans come back. I hope I'm wrong. I
know they're saying that they can they can socially distance
and keep people apart and all that. I they don't
have to keep families apart. I saw Mark cuban interview
this week, and he was pointing out like if people

(56:22):
go to a game with family, you know, you got
a wife, a husband, and three kids. You can all
sit together obviously, so there's five people in a row.
So there's ways you can do it. I think the
only part of that that I hate that we're not
gonna get is we're not going to get the Astros
in l A for the All Star Game because this
year's All Star Game was gonna be hosted by the
Dodgers the Dodger Stadium. So we're not gonna get I know.

(56:44):
And I would have been right there with Marlin's man,
my guy right behind home plate. Ah that sucks all right? Uh?
Dan from Durham, North Carolina rights and he says, do
you mow your own lawn? And if so, do you
push have a self propelled or I like a big
dog from Dan? Well? Dan, Uh, you know I don't
have a massive amount of grass. I do not. I

(57:08):
do not my own my own I don't not mow
my own lawn. If I did, I think it would
be awesome and I would love it. Put some headphones
on and and have one of those writing mowers when
you drive around. I think that would be amazing. I
would love that. I would love to own enough land
and have enough grass where I could do that and
it would make sense. But none of the above. We

(57:29):
have someone the gentleman that comes and does all the stuff.
What about you gascon at the big Giscon estate there,
don't have that. But I will say that's kind of relatable. Um.
Back in the day, when I might played baseball at
least the high school level, they required us to drag
the field and we were pretty fortunate that we had
a quad that was donated to our our baseball team.

(57:52):
So after every practice, whoever it was would jump on
the quad, first drag the infield, and then they take
that sucker off and then start riding the quad and
throughout the infield, outfield, and then outside the ballpark. Two.
That's nice. Now. When I was growing up, one of
the chores at the house I had to mow the lawn.
So I did mow the lawn when I was younger

(58:13):
growing up. It's a way for my parents not to
have to hire a gardener. Have the kids do it
solid move now you try to do these days. You
tell a kid to mow the law and funk you.
I'm gonna play video you guys say, come on? Uh.
Next one from Chris in Maka, Oh Boy, here we go.
Guest g M A q U O K E t A.

(58:36):
It's a town in Iowa. Wow population, I don't know.
He just says his name here Chris from this town
in Iowa. Anyway, says what are some of your favorite
Simpsons episodes or characters? Well, I love Homer, I love Crusty,
will start with that. As far as I love the
Dancing Homer episode, which is very early in the Simpsons,

(58:58):
and that was when he him a mascot. Remember I
don't remember that, but it was. It was called Dancing Homer,
and they named the team the Isotopes, and that eventually
became the name that inspired the name of a minor
league baseball their name to the Isotopes, and uh, and
that was that was pretty cool. I like that one.

(59:20):
I liked when Homer got into an eating contest I
forget the name of this one at a truck stop
or a big steakhouse in Texas allegedly, and then the
guy like choked or something, and Homer had to drive
the truck the eight teen wheeler and then realized the
truck drives itself. Do you remember the one where Um
where Bart wanted to be a stunt devil and he

(59:41):
tried riding a skateboard down a ravine or over a
ravine and crossing it, and Homer convinced him not to
do it because he loves him no matter what. And
he accidentally went on the skateboard and tried to fly
over the ravine on accident. He almost did, but he
came up short. I don't think I remember that. So
what happened is is he land at the bottom of

(01:00:01):
the ravine. He got air lifted up and so his
head was hitting the rocks because of the wind. And
then they put him in an ambulance. The ambulance drove
off and it crashed into a tree and the stretching
went right back down the ravine as he hit himself off.
Oh that's great, that's vaudeville comedy. Gold is what that is.
And the other one, remember the early days of the Simpsons.

(01:00:23):
They had all those like Conseco and um Wade Bobs
and Don Mattingly and all those guys were on the Simpsons.
That was a classical episode Homer at the bat what
was called that's a that is a good one, so
thank you for that question. Let's see here, Troy from
indianass would you rather know how you are going to

(01:00:44):
die or when you were going to die? Alright? So
I've been asked this in the past, and the way
I would answer at Troy is this. I guess in theory,
if you knew how you were going to die, you
could avoid that activity for the I mean, if you
were going to die, if they say, hey, you're gonna die,
you know you you're gonna die, You're gonna drown or something,
you well, you wouldn't go swimming, right, So you can

(01:01:06):
say that, But I don't think that's how that works.
I guess from a planning standpoint, if you knew you
were going to die at a certain day and then
you'd be fine up until then, that would be very uplifting.
What don't I mean? For it would be depressing, but
it would also be like, well, I can do whatever
the funk I want. I don't have to worry. I'm
not gonna die because I my my death days this

(01:01:30):
particular date. That's a great question. I think I'd rather
want to know how I'm gonna die, just because if
you go time sensitive, who's to say if you don't
die because of dementia or a heart attack or cancer,
or an accident like a traffic accident or you know,
plane crash or a natural disaster like I'd rather want

(01:01:51):
to know how how I go out, as opposed to
when ye to me. You know, you all end up
in the same spot when you're dead, whether you I mean,
some are more painful than others, but when you're dying,
and nobody apparently feels pain after that point because anyway,
um morbid. Well, it was a morbid question. Victor in

(01:02:13):
Toronto rights and he says, I'm still waiting for the
payoff of a story you teased on the radio last year.
When Major League Baseball extended the netting went back up
about a press box foul ball. Story was supposed to
be up next after the break. All right, well, Victor,
it's a long break. Fuck you, Victor. How dare you
have bad job by you? So I'm trying to remember

(01:02:34):
the story. I I mean, there were several I had
my laptop destroyed by a foul ball when I was
covering the Dodgers. Chad cruder a backup catcher. The foul
ball on the press box and dead on hit my
the back of my laptop. And then I proceeded to
contact the Dodger management at the time, say hey, buy
me a new fucking computer. They had several meetings and

(01:02:57):
they had several pow wows, and they said no, they
would not buy me a new a new computer. And
I've seen people get into fights in the press box
over foul balls and all kinds of wild so in
Anaheim when they redid the big A back when they
used to have the press box behind and play before
Artie Marino got upset with T. J. Simer's this old

(01:03:17):
columnist at the Only Times back in the day, and
that was like a shooting gallery because it was it
was low and there were ball foul balls flying in
the press box, non stuff. I forget these specific story,
I t s Victor, but there's there's like small several
there's several small stories there, So screw you. Who else
do we have here? Jonathan from Menafee in Calli says,

(01:03:41):
have either of you stopped at Eddie's World or Eddie
World there on your travels to Las Vegas. It's Beautiful
in your mo greatest candy store in the world, according
to Johnathan. Not Johnathan, I have not stopped. I did
last time I went to Vegas, which was at the
end of twenty nine. We went. They're right around Christmas,

(01:04:01):
between Christmas and New Year's and I did see Eddie's World,
and I was debating whether to stop because I was
gonna buy Eddie, like a T shirt or a hat
that said Eddie's World on it. But I didn't do it.
Have you seen that when you fly though to Vegas,
you're you're west of the four oh five. Guy, you
don't drive to Vegas like this common people? No, I
mean I do half and half, but I have never

(01:04:22):
noticed Eddie World. It's relatively new, Okay, relatively I haven't
driven to Vegas in a little while. I but you know,
I mean the flights you're forty five minutes, man, especially
if you fly to Long Beach, where you don't have
to wait in list forty five minutes because you have
to plan out when you get to the airport. I
fly at a Long Beach, and Long Beach there's only

(01:04:43):
two terminals and you have two airlines southwest to get
there an hour before. No, I get there at Long Beach,
I get there thirty minutes prior, and you get in
and you get out. But I also have t s
A pre so narcissists. There's the narcissist. We've been pretty
good this weekend gets dead. But I do it would
eventually come out. I knew it would eventually come out.

(01:05:05):
Your inner narcissist would come out. Everybody has t s
A pre these days. Right, you don't want to wait
in a fucking long ass line to give your ID
to uh an agent, all right? Richard from Texas writes
in He says, back in the eighties and nineties, Miller
Lite had the funniest commercials out of these two characters, who,
in your opinion, was funny. You're Bob Yucker or Joe Piscopo.

(01:05:27):
I'm a Uker guy. I loved Yuker in those commercials.
And the camera angle panning back when he's in the
you know I must be in the front row, and
then you see him at the very top of the stadium.
Those were well done. I like those. Yeah, Yuker's Ukers
the go to guy. And do you remember the commercials
they used to run was at the real Realman of

(01:05:47):
Genius for Yeah, so those were That was a good
line of commercials. Yeah, yeah, those were good too. All right,
more of this this is grab bag. You want to
send a question into the future Real fifth Hour at
gmail dot com, where our Facebook page Ben Alors Show
Sean and Waterloo, Iowa says, please let us know your
take on the Korean soccer club using sex dolls as

(01:06:08):
fans for the latest games. I I love that society
is so they've got such I don't. I don't know
what the right word is. You know, they've got such
a mental condition that even seeing sex dolls wearing clothes
triggers a viscual reaction. Uh five people, I don't. I
think it was funny and that was hilarious. I'd love
to know the backstory and how it actually happened. I

(01:06:29):
know there's a story out there, but I'd like to
know the actual story what really happened, Like, you know,
how did that? How did he end up doing that?
It's like could they not find real mannequins? So, like,
I know we can get these will save money, They're cheaper.
I just love if you ever take the time to
go down, like if you go ever go to like
Beverly Hills or like West l A. And you go
past department stores, they have these mannequins. They're just completely stacked,

(01:06:52):
you know, just like like they know their audience like
we do. And it's just women that are completely cosmetically stacked,
asked and ragged the whole nine yard. That's pretty funny.
Marine uh Marine writes in she's a police officer in Boston.
She said, I think I'll be able to see the
Patriots game in l A twice in November, or do

(01:07:13):
you think I'll be able to see it? Actually it's
actually it's December. I think it is. The Patriots come
to l A December six to play the Chargers and
then four days later play the Rams to quirk in
the NFL schedule this year. I see. Here's the problem, Marine,

(01:07:34):
is that it's in California. Now. Gavin Newsom did to
have a change of heart this week, and he did
do a one eight from his previous statements. So there's
a chance. I'm saying there's a chance. It's really dependent
on how things go in Florida and how they go
in Georgia and in the other states. Because if the
other states say hey, we're gonna let fans in and
you know, nothing horrifically bad happens. Then all of a sudden, uh,

(01:07:59):
the nerve California will have a come to Jesus moment.
The politicians will be like, Okay, we can do that.
I think. Worst case scenario still come to l A
and just hang out for a week. We'll come to
l A if it's opened up, if we're depending on
what stage we're at, don't come to l A if
it's everything's locked up. I got my buddy in Dallas
is like, I want to come to l A. And
I'm like, what are you doing? He wants to come

(01:08:19):
to Like July, I said, shitty, its stuff is are
gonna be open up? And until I hope it is.
If it is, yeah, come on down. Yeah. But magice,
if you're on the East coast in December, like, why
don't you want to come to l A. Anyway, It's
spend five days out here and it's perfect still. Oh
it doesn't the weather get really nasty like in January
and February. Right, that's where he gets really wretched and

(01:08:40):
horrific and and all that. All Right, Jack in Greensboro, right, so,
and he says, we've all had some close calls in
our lives. I bet you're no exception. What is the
closest you've ever come to dying? Someone asked this question
a long time ago. Yeah, that's a good question. So
the way I'll answer it, No, I don't remember what
I said the past. Well, the gallbladder thing, uh to

(01:09:02):
get me to go to the hospital. I had gall stones.
I could not sleep. I was up for I forget
how many hours in a row, but I the only
reason with the hospital, I thought I was gonna die.
I thought I had I have a heart attack or something.
I couldn't figure it out. I didn't know what was
going on. So at that time, I thought, boy, this
is not good. When you walk into the murgency room
and you're like, you haven't been able sleep, you haven't
been able to take a ship, you haven't been able

(01:09:23):
to go to the bathroom in in a while, You're like,
wait a minute, it's been days. I'm like, oh, so
I thought I was gonna check out on that one.
And then the one. I've told the story a lot
of times over the years. Driving to Vegas late night,
run by myself, middle of the night, I'm driving out
like in Barstow, and I fell asleep behind the wheel
and I woke up. I was in the fast land.

(01:09:45):
I remember being in the fast lane going about eighty
miles eight five miles an hour, and I woke up
in the slow lane and there were like trucks around.
I don't know how I did not hit a truck
or hit the side of the road or I'm still
can't figure out how I was able to not die
going that fast and falling asleep for you know, it
was only a few seconds, but that's all it takes. Yeah,

(01:10:07):
what about Yeah, I've actually had a gun pulled on
me twice. I remember that. Yeah, so I had one
tell your father that did that. My dad is a
gun and timidate me. Um. One time, I was saying
good night to to my girlfriend at the time when
I was in high school and uh, and I was

(01:10:27):
saying good night to her at at a place that
we were staying at. And the place that we're staying
out was like an apartment complex. So I was at
the gate kissing her and hugging her good night. And
when I looked over her shoulder after I was hugging her,
I saw this guy roll up in an old school
al Camino and I was looking at him, and he
was looking at me. This is like from a great

(01:10:49):
distance away, I would say, probably like like a hundred
feet or a hundred fifty feet, and he was looking closely.
And then I see him raise a weapon and I
just slowly, I don't know for some reason I did this,
but slowly and like methodically, just grabbed my girlfriend and
I did a roll outside the door and back into

(01:11:09):
the complex, like and one fell swoop, you know. We
went back into the condo, called the cops. Cops showed
up and nothing happened. And then oddly enough, like three
hours later, when she stayed inside, her dad's car was
stolen and it was crashed down the street. So that
was one time. And another time was a good friend

(01:11:29):
of mine. We were leaving some high school party and
he had a pickup truck and a bunch of us
got in the back of his pickup truck to go
down the street to this other party. And he was
not a fast driver, but like a bunch of guys
that were in some gangs in Pedro were falling behind
us and they were cussing and like honking and tell
him to get the hell out of the way, or

(01:11:50):
like pull over because he was going too slow and
he wouldn't. So they eventually pulled up on side of
him on a major street and like a couple of
guys pulled out guns on him and us and then
sped on by. I was like freaking out. Was like
the fucking Old West where you live? What the hell
is going on with where the Ghetto meets the Sea? Man?
There you go. It's a great to lead your little

(01:12:11):
postcards where the Ghetto meets the Sea. I'm sure that
would be a big, big seller there, absolutely absolutely all right,
more a few more of these questions. This is a
very long podcast. But what the hell? Why not? What
else do we have to do? Uh? Kentucky J. Wrightson.
He says, if you knew the Dodgers were gonna win
the next World Series, but you had to extend all

(01:12:32):
this social distancing, virus, etcetera stuff for another calendar or
full county year, would you take the Dodgers winning the
championship or would you take a shortened quarantine slash social distancing?
H J. I love the Dodgers. I used to do
stuff with the Dodgers. As you know, I did some
Dodger talk stuff back in the day. I've very fun memories.
It was a big part of my life. I would

(01:12:53):
take the shortened virus I love because here's the thing, um,
the Dodgers winning. If you can't celebrate it, then who
the funk cares? Right? And the other thing is the
Clippers will be guaranteed to win the championships. I'll celebrate
the Clipper championship. And for the record, we haven't seen
a Dodger titles since, so if we've been with not
being I'm not celebrating a Dodgers title. I think we

(01:13:15):
can go a lot longer. It would be more of
the same. Jesse from Pomona Rights and he says, this
is for all you guys here. Which major sport do you,
guys I like to see in person and which do
you like to watch on television? Uh? Well, Jessee, the
way I'll answer that is I've been I've been fortunate
to go to all these different sporting events over the years,
mostly for free, thank god. But it really depends on

(01:13:38):
where you sit, Like it's to me, it's it's it's
much better to be at any of those games. If
you have good seats, if you have shitty seats, I'd
rather be at home. So it really depends if you
can find a way to get a seat where you
can feel it's it's great to feel the energy to
and and God, we have to get back to that.
The communal part of being in a stadium and everyone

(01:13:59):
shareing and boling and all that. I love that. Now
I'll go out the reservation real quick. Um, I have
not been to a UFC main event, so I'd like
to do that. But I've also never been to a
tennis major and I've also never been to the Kentucky Derby,
So I'd love to go like Churchill Downs and see
all the ambiance and getting part of something like that,

(01:14:20):
Like we've got del mar In sant Anita out here,
but like we've never been I've never been to like
the Who's Who where the surf meets the term like
that that I mean, you got the bourbon, you got
the beautiful women, you got the money, obviously, the horses.
I think that would be awesome. I haven't been to
any of those, but man, there's nothing like going to
a Stanley Cup playoff game. I've been a world series.

(01:14:44):
I've been to uh saw the King's win two Stanley Cups.
That was awesome, very fun memories. And the coolest part
about that was they let us rock walk out on
the ice just minutes after they had won the Stanley
Cup and the crowd still going crazy and all that,
and they were hoisting up the trophy and we could
was awesome, awesome, that was a one and do it
twice and only a couple of years. Yeah, that was

(01:15:06):
that was great And they'll never win again, but that's okay.
I'm okay with that. They had their little run that
the other teams win all the championships, all right. I
think that's that's pretty much it. If you want to
send an email again or or ask a question in
a future episode of the podcast, you can send us
a message Real Fifth Hour at gmail dot com or

(01:15:27):
Facebook Ben Maller's Show. And I just want to encourage
you if you get a chance. I know it's a
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They look at how many positive reviews you have and

(01:15:48):
what star rating you have, and so that stuff does
help the podcast. Also say the other thing too is
don't forget when you do comment on there is you
can also acknowledge the the one your full gift that
was provided to Ben an American wagu Tomahawks steak. I
think it's just majestic. Is two pounds like that? Is? Uh?

(01:16:12):
You know, you can give some reviews on that peace
offering for I will either do a video cooking with Benny.
Maybe I'll call it cooking with but I don't have
my own YouTube channel though. I'm gonna have to figure
out how to how to put one together real quick.
Maybe I should. I've been talking about doing that anyway.
May we'll put that together the motivation then there you go. Yeah,
there you go, all right, and you can follow us

(01:16:34):
all over the place if you want a personal video
message if you're a big super fan of show, you
know a super fan of the show and you want
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(01:16:56):
happy with the result of that. So if you're interested,
can eo dot com Go to that website cameo dot
com c A M. E O and then search my
name Ben mall There's a bunch of big celebrities. I'm
not a big celebrity, bunch of big names on there
and you can check that out and I'd be happy
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Twitter at Ben Mallard. We mentioned Facebook, I'm on Instagram,

(01:17:17):
follow me on there and you can check me out
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it's at Dave gascon Um. Of course you need to
get those names. You can pick it up on the
profile or the uh the profile instructions for this episode

(01:17:39):
the category listed there for you too in much detail.
All right, listen, have a great end of your weekend.
We're back on the radio Sunday night in the Monday.
Depends on where you are East Coast two am Monday,
West Coast eleven PM so two am two six on
the East and in the West of America. We are
on from eleven till three and don't forget May fourth,

(01:18:00):
flock to seven Pacific, seven to ten Eastern. Yeah, I
will be sitting in and Gascon will be at the
news desk. I'll be with Rob Parker, Wrong Button, Bob
Reunited it feels so good. The Vegan Special crossover show
with Rob Parker and myself. I'll be filling in for
Chris Broussard on the Odd Couple. I'm looking forward to that.

(01:18:22):
And that's about it.

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