June 26, 2021 • 41 mins
A sudden change in scenery has someone preserving nuts.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
If you thought more hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the
old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads
in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich pill
poppers in the penthouse, to clearing house of hot takes,
break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben
(00:24):
Maller starts right now. Happy days are here again. We
are back at it in the magic podcast Machine, the
salt mines of podcasting. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. We thank you
for finding the Fifth Hour podcast. Obviously you have figured
out how to download it. We know you have shared
(00:46):
the podcast with others. You have gone on and reviewed
the podcast and said really nice things, which is icing
on the cake. And you have not thrown your hands
up in horror about anything that you have heard in
any of these podcasts over the weekend. But we do
this because hey, four hours a night on the overnight
not enough. A spinoff of the mildly popular Ben Maller
(01:09):
Overnight radio show here, only available in the podcast format,
so we can say all the bad words. We are
not governed by the Federal Communications Commission in the United States. Now,
even when I'm on overnight. I'm in the safe harbor,
so we're we're allowed to use more spicy language, but
we have to worry about the Wocarati, and the Wocarati
does not like spicy language, so we are governed by
(01:32):
both the f CC and the Wocarati. But joined again
from west of the four oh five making his way
and I know it's a big inconvenience, but ready to
rock and roll, David Gascon, I feel like that applauses
(01:57):
a little longer than normal. But do you appreciate that
from the from the crowd, from the spectacle, that is?
What is your what is your favorite word to use
in profanity? And what's your most vulgar word that you
like straight from the hip that you can shoot at
anyone at any time. Uh, profanity is It really depends
(02:17):
on the situation, right, I mean there's on the audience.
I mean there's there's that magic word. Uh you know,
see you next Tuesday when you use that and the
proper you know, with the proper crowd there, boy, that
really gets that really gets people people's feathers up and
gets them going there. But you know, I'm a traditionalist
(02:38):
with profanity you know, good m f h. You know,
properly positioned there. I think is is very effective, very effective.
And when I was in junior high school, and I
actually got in trouble for this. When I was in
junior high school, somebody, I don't know if I've told
this story before, maybe I have. So when I was
in junior high school, kid brought this. Is in the
(02:58):
stone Age before the Internet, right, we just that computers,
but it wasn't like it is. There was no Internet,
worldwide Web. So when I was in school, somebody brought
a piece of paper and it was like, it's a
hundred in something ways to say the word fuck, right,
And I thought this was the coolest thing ever. And
I came from a family that with only curse when
(03:21):
things got crazy and tried not to curse around me
and all that stuff. So but at school, of course,
everyone just has a potty a mount. Everyone's a sailor
in elementary and junior high school and high school and
all that. So you think you're an adult because you're cursing.
So somebody brought this. One of my buddies brought this
piece of paper, and my parents, God loved them. May
the rested piece. They had a mailing service, and because
(03:43):
they had a mailing service, they had I had access
to a copy machine. So I thought, you know, a
way to get some credibility on the playground. I'm gonna
take that piece of paper goodheartedly. I'm gonna go home,
my parents aren't looking. I'm going to print up fifty
copies and pass them out to all the guys that
I know in junior high school. And again it's like
(04:04):
a hundred something ways to use the word fuck. So
I go home and I'm very excited and I print
all those things up. I go to school the next
day and then pass them out. Right, I've done it,
mission accomplished. I then get home from school and my
mom's like, hey, Ben, I need to talk to you
about something else I want did did the school? Did
(04:24):
the school contact my parents and say your kids passing
out a hundred ways to use the word fuck? Um? No, no,
it was not that. And I thought, well, maybe I
didn't clean the bathroom where I didn't do, you know,
do one of my chores at the house and not
on that. Um, I'm such a such a idiot that
I went in my haste to get away with the
(04:45):
perfect crime printing up the one fifty copies of one
hundred ways to use the word fuck, I had mistakenly
left the original copy in the printer. So when when
my parents went to use the printer for work and
they're like, is this and you know, did you do that? No?
I didn't do this. Did you wait a minute? Ben
you know? And of course at that point it's not
(05:06):
ben it's Benjamin, you know, because when I'm in trouble
with Benjamin. So but yeah, as as I said, a
traditionalist with profanity, I think the the F word is
the way to go. Now, what about you, guess gon?
Growing up privileged west of the four oh five, where
was there a go to term that you used back
in the day marking at the moon? No? Well, first
(05:28):
of all, my my father never swore, never, never, never.
What about now and that he's now that you already
growing up? Does he curse? No? Not really, maybe rare
if he does, but he only does it when he's
in a in a heated conversation, but he doesn't do
it around us. And whenever we his kids use foul language,
(05:49):
he always says like, yeah, David, don't use that kind
of language or nice I like your pops. That's great.
My grandfather when I was growing up used to cur
us in Yiddish. He that's why I learned some of
the bad words in Yiddish because he would not curse
in front in English. Yeah. Yeah, you got the goods,
so you can. You can hide a lot of your
(06:09):
your vulgar language. It's pretty yeah. Yeah. Well, the problem
is that a lot of the Yiddish has become like
main stream stream. Like you know, there's certain words that
are Yiddish where kutz it's most people know what that is. Uh,
you know, there's a few others, but the really good
stuff a lot of people still don't know that. So
(06:31):
I've got so that didn't curse. No, so you had
I like your mom, Well, we drove. I drove my
mother up the wall. So you can imagine having four
kids that you're at your disposal trying to get to
school while she's working and dad's you know, working well
past the nine to five. Yeah. We we kept her.
(06:52):
We kept her awake many of nights. So yeah, but yeah,
I think my favorite words got to be cut. It
just it triggers everybody. You could call a guy a punt,
and it's much worse than calling him a bit, like,
don't act like a bit, but if you say then
you're acting like a cunt. It just it just rubs
(07:15):
people the wrong way. But you know, the word fuck you,
iverybody you say fuck you or fuck It's almost like baseball.
You know, there's nine ways to get to first base,
and they give a baseball, including a recording a hit.
And so funk is just so multidimensional that you can
use it anytime, any place, with anybody. It's really the
(07:36):
everything curse word. It goes with any outfit, any group
of people that you're with. Scholars, probably not preachers, but
even they occasionally, you know, they're human, so they'll they'll
curse in all that. But but yeah, now you gotta
be careful because we have a guy in in Arkansas
who's a big fan in the Mallem mission gets very
(07:59):
upset use profanity here. Oh so yeah, you're very careful there.
He drives a big truck there and he gets very
upset and he he'll send me messages. Is that how
come you have to use those dirty words in there?
What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Did something
happened to you? Are you trying to be a shock jock.
Are you trying to get attention? And I'm I'm like, well,
(08:21):
no not. I mean, we're allowed to curse on the podcast.
I'd curse on the radio show if we were allowed
to curse on the radio show occasionally. But I do
think there's a key to everbyone when Howard Stern crossed
over from terrestrial radio to satellite radio and he he
realized that, yeah, you can curse, but it's not it
loses its muster if you do it all the time.
(08:47):
You know, Sir scratch Off in Arkansas is the guy
I'm referencing, by the way. God, he's gets very offended
by the handry language that we you. I apologize we're
using it for good. I mean you you brought it
up as you introduced the show, so I had to ask.
I think, I don't think i've ever asked you what
your favorite vulgar word is. Like I said, I'm I'm
(09:07):
a purist. The F word fuck, that's the top curse
word there, with a winking or nod to ship, which
I don't think should be a curse word to me.
Ship should be allowed to be said. I don't understand
why it's not. I can't figure that. Maybe somebody smarter
than me can explain it to me. Like I'm five
years old, I don't get it. When you were ship,
every human being to be alive, you have to ship.
(09:30):
What's the problem with ship? Well, to be without ship,
you're not alive. Ship's a sign of life. Well, to
be fair, though, without fucking, you know, we wouldn't be
alive either. Well, we wouldn't be alive with that fucking,
but we can live. There are people that are like
a sexual who don't fuck or for whatever reason, they
don't do that, and so they they're fine, right, they don't.
(09:51):
The Yiddish term, by the way, which you want to use, stooping,
that's my. So if I'm on the end, I say stooping,
that's my. That's Yiddish for fucking or stoop, which is
just fuck stoop you you know that's that's now? Do
you tight ritt walk on the radio with your language? Uh? Well,
I don't think so. I have only been called out
(10:13):
once for something that I said. Uh, and that's actually
the term prick, which is a a Yiddish term. You
know what that means? And yeah, and somebody got up
set with me on that. But like the stooping, I've
used stooping. I used that every so often, tookis, which
(10:35):
means buttocks, and uh, I'd like to use that one.
But a lot of it, you know, people don't know
what it is, and it just kind of goes in.
Do you think about radio? Is most people listening only
here about at the most twenty percent of what we're saying,
So a lot of it just is just going out
into the ethos and nothing. Nobody knows what the hell
is going on. Anyway. We have on this edition, the
(10:57):
Saturday edition of The Fifth Hour, Within and David Gascon
the travel Log. I touched on this briefly on the
radio show, but I didn't really go into a lot
of detail. I wanted to save that for the podcast,
and I thought Saturday is the perfect day to do that.
So I have the Mallard travel Log, the Squirrel Whisper,
we have that, We have tales from Germany, pop quiz,
(11:21):
and maybe if we have time, we'll get scientifical. So
we have all that. Tell me you're not excited, I
am excited for you, all right, So last weekend we're
gonna go all the way back to last weekend of
the way Back Machine. So I took a rare and
appropriate day away from my catbird seat, my watchbirds seat
there as the guardian of overnight sports radio. The reason
(11:44):
I did that is my wife's schedule changing this week.
She went back to a non convenient work. Her schedule
changes every like four months, every six months on like that. Uh,
And so her schedule changed and we were on we
were aligned on the same schedule, so we were able
to hang out, get quality time on the weekend. Um.
(12:06):
But that no longer the case. My wife will be
working on the weekends. I will have my time off
on the weekends, and so the planets are not going
to be lined up. And so we thought, well, this
is the last weekend before you know, four or five,
six months from now, and everything's upside down. As I
said in the Saturday podcast last week that I was,
I'm moving. I'm living in a halfway house right now,
so things things are a little upside down for me
(12:27):
in my life. I'm a creature of habit um. Unfortunately,
I got the studio set up. I think it sounds
sounds pretty good, but anyway, so so we went out
and spent the weekend away from La traveled up the
California coast. Now, the great thing about geography is if
I was making the same road trips, say I started
out in Georgia, right, and which is on the southern part.
(12:48):
I know Florida's below that, But let's say Georgia and
you're driving up the east coast, I would have ended
up probably in Virginia. If I was driving up the
east coast in California, I was still in California. We
went to central California, unsullied by the slop of Los
Angeles or the people shipping on the streets of San Francisco.
(13:10):
They're doing that in l A also, uh and a
nice little oasis, Castle Blanca, if you will. I spent
a night in San Louis Obispo. Yeah. I like it there.
It's cool. It's nice town. My wife loves the Madonna In.
You ever been to the Madonna You have not good
(13:33):
weekend getaway right off the highway one there and Madonna
In is a gotty, over the top hotel designed for
women and gay men. I would say the hotel is
and my wife loves it. My it's her favorite place
to say. It's like something you would expect to see
(13:54):
at the Vegas trip. In fact, I've described the Madonna
In as sir Orkus circus for women adult women, uh
you know, and or girls as well. I mean, who cares.
But for the female gender, I believe there are male
and females. So Madonna In is the it's gonna slip
that in get did you hear that guy? I'm a
(14:15):
rebel and I'm old school. Yeah. Anyway, so, uh, she
loves the Madonna In and it's her favorite hotel in California.
So we drove us an all day drive from where
we live, and we went out and we're supposed to
get there at two o'clock. We got there at seven o'clock.
So we left a little late classic road trip. Eight
(14:36):
on the road, stopped, stopped off, I stopped off in
Woodland Hills, got a bite teat kept going driving through California,
and we drove all day there, had a nice dinner,
a little late night swim in the heated pool. Giving
the Mallard travel log, I went to bed, got up,
went back to the pool, and then traveled up in
(14:57):
Highway one. They're not all the way to Monterey, but
up Highway one. We visited Morrow Bay, wonderful town, all
those little beach towns, all those little beach towns. Uh
pretty pretty cool. Uh. So yeah, we we went down
to Morrow Bay, hung out there, spend a night in
Morrow Bay. And I've been to these places before. I
(15:18):
I ate fishing chips, so I met my quota for
I'm a pilot. I ate seafood for the first time
in one and I don't think I ate it last year,
so first time since nineteen I usually eat it once
or twice a year. I've met my quota. Then we
went off to San Simeon State Beach. You ever been
to San Simeon Never? You've never been to the Hearst Castle. Never, Oh,
(15:41):
you gotta go check it out. Man, Hearst Class Castle
was actually closed. I've been there before, so I didn't
need to go. But there's this little I shouldn't say
it because then people will show up like You're like,
I have that kind of power. Please anyway, there you
want a little cool thing to do in California, if
you're on the on the West coast, you drive up
Highway one. It's about an hour outside San Louis obis
(16:01):
Ball on Highway one, beautiful road. And right across the
street from hurst Castle is the beach that that Hurst
used to bring in all the building materials, and there's
a pier. It's always foggy, always foggy, Morrow Bay and
also in San Simeon, and it's great. There's almost nobody there.
(16:21):
It's picturesque, the water is green. It's just beautiful. And Hurst,
if you know about his his over the top home
which is now a museum, he when he died his
estate left all that land. The reason cal Central California
has nobody living in it comparison to l A in
San Francisco is because of the fact that Hurst bought
(16:42):
all the land and just gave it to the state
of California's a nature preserve essentially, but he has got
there's zebras roaming around and all these exotic animals and
they've called a lot of cows, a lot of cows.
And uh, we leisurely stopped off at some vistas and
deserted beaches, and it didn't remind me that part of
California reminds me a little bit of Hawaii, where you
(17:04):
can just pull off to the side of the road
and and go out to the beach and nobody really
bugs you. You're just gonna watch out for the occasional
highway patrol officer who's a little over aggressive with the tickets.
But other than that, you're good. Uh and and that.
So that was the travel log, but that leads us
into the squirrel whisper. Well before we get into that.
(17:27):
Knowing you and knowing your wife, this madonna in is
right up her strike zone. Like I'm looking at this
is not no, no, no no, This is like right
in her wheelhouse. Yeah. When I travel, I tend to
stay at the cheapest possible place. I can say, I don't.
I don't care. To me, it's not about the hotel.
(17:48):
It's about doing stuff. If I travel, I don't believe
in off and go exactly. She disagrees. Her Her outlook
is it's about comfort. It's about a nice hotel. She
doesn't mind dropping the good amount of money on hotel rooms.
So we've come to a compromise, much like most things
in my life, as long as I don't know how
(18:08):
much it costs, I'm okay. So you know, you can,
you know, drop drop a C note on a hotel
or whatever. I don't know. I don't care. I'm not
I'm not going to worry about it if I don't
know about it's kind of I mean, it's it's cool
in some ways. I don't know if this is kind
of nostalgic for you, because looking at a few of
the rooms and even the bathrooms, it makes me feel
(18:30):
like I'm at my grandparents house looking at the Madonna
and yeah, yeah, Like some of the bathrooms are tiled.
They're checkered tiled, so like blue and gold a little bit.
Every room has a theme and it's over the top.
It's like if here's an outdated reference, guess scoun But
the older listeners will will get it. You listening who
(18:52):
are over a certain age, a Liberati like you know Liberally.
You know, Liberaci is the entertain her in Vegas that
played the piano, the gay guy with the over the
top outfits and all that. He by the way, he
lived in Sherman Oaks. Did you know that he lived
right up the hill from the mother ship the Fox
Sports radio studios. But anyway, it's like something he would
(19:13):
put together. Um over the top, and yeah, I mean
she loves it, and it's like a whole big process
to pick me out which room are we gonna stay in?
You know this time? You know that whole thing. That's cool.
You gotta do at least once. What kind of room
did you guys actually stay in. I don't remember the
name of it was. It was one of the It
was like bright red. There was rock on the walls. Uh.
(19:36):
It didn't have a sofa. That reminded me of my
grandmother's MISSI resident. Yeah, I did have that bright red carpet,
chandeliers everywhere, you know that kind of thing. Oh, man,
that's great. There's the old world Sweet, the Madonna, Sweet,
the Karen, the Caveman, the Karen. Yeah, boy, I still
(19:57):
changing the name of that. It's a are I n though?
All the love nest? Who the love Nest? Yeah? There
were people there on their hunting moon. We saw cars
in the parking lot. They were all painted up, you know,
a happy marriage, you know, happy wedding whatever. So, yeah,
this is kind of cool. Man. You're gonna go there.
You gotta go, man, come on, guess go and get
(20:18):
you act again. Well, I found I found a room
for me there too. What is it the Jackass room?
Rock Bottom, the rock Bottom. It's really a homage to
your career, so, uh, why why not? Oh my gosh,
that's good man. Be sure to catch live editions of
The Ben Maller Show week days at two am eastern
eleven pm Pacific. Be sure to catch live editions of
(20:41):
The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am eastern eleven
pm Pacific on Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart
Radio app. So that was my travel and then we
I love the slow, methodical drive back. We came back
on Saturday. I had to get back for the Clipper game,
so we slowly drove down the California coast. We were
(21:02):
all the way up at San Simeon, and you know,
we drove through the different towns along Highway One, got
back on you know, the main drag in San Louis
abyss Ball, and we stopped off in Santa Barbara and Ventura.
You know a couple of different places that are I
don't usually go to because I live far away from
those places. So I love Santa Barbara. And in Builton,
(21:26):
which is right next door, actually know the Bulton's up
a little bit. That's where we went to, uh to
have the fried donuts in what's that town called right
next to Buleton you had fried donuts. Yeah, yeah, I'd
say in nor it's like a Norwegian Swedish what's the
name of that town? Having a mental block there now
(21:49):
I've talked about it before. They have the like the
little Danish town in California north of Santa Barbara's like
an hour north of Santa Barbara. Half an hour north
of Santa Barbara. Come on, askon, come on, gascon Solvang,
boom solving. It's definitely note my, why not man, because
(22:09):
that's a great day trip in l A, a little
slice of Denmark in in California. Solvang really Danish, that's
what says on Google. They've got delicious Danish bakeries. You
get these little eber skeezels something I think of butchering
the name of it, but they're like fried donuts with
(22:30):
jelly on top. There's a lot of windmills and it's
a little tourist town and it was completely shut down
for a year because King knew some shut everything down,
and it was nice to see it back open. So
the Squirrel Whisper one of my many stops here. I
came across the pot of gold at the end of
(22:51):
the Rainbow hungry squirrels. So we stopped off. I mentioned
were stopping at these like vistas and a little roadside
turn and office we can look at the ocean whatnot,
and on Highway one. And as soon as we exited
the car at one of these vistas, these critters greeted us,
greeted me in particular with open arms, and they were
(23:14):
like standing up demanding food. Reminded me of Bella when
I when I give Bella a treat, she stands up
on her legs. I says, give me more, give me more,
right like just like that. And so I realized I
had a bag of peanuts that I had taken with
me that I just happened as a snack when I
(23:36):
was driving up on the once I broke my fast
and I was driving up the road, I snack on
some peanuts, and so I attempted to feed the little buggers.
And it seemed like a good idea at the time,
but it it much like if you've been at the
beach during the summer and you feed the seagulls. You
know you can feed seagulls, and they always say if
you feed one, there's a dozen more that are going
to appear in Squawk and Squeal. I'd never heard that
(23:58):
about squirrels. I didn't heard that about squirrels. So needless
to say, it was as bad as that the squirrels
brought friends and family, and it was a hooting nanny
shindig type of situation. And its like as I told
my wife, I said, you gotta record this. This is ridiculous,
like so in the in the video she posted, I
(24:19):
was a total daredevil. Everyone impressed at my heroic nature. There.
I risked my life to feed these bushy tailed rodents,
rats with furry tales. As some have said, here these
squirrels can carry rabies, and here I am with my
sandals on standing there, risking my health to feed these squirrels.
(24:45):
Think about that, guys, think about the heroic nature of
this action. And one of them was so excited to
get my nuts it ran across my foot. The squirrel
was so excited, and that scared me a little bit.
I was taken aback by that. I was worried I'd
been bitten by the squirrel. Why are you scared? I mean,
you have plenty of Mallard militia members that are roping
for your nuts. So I don't know why you're worried
(25:07):
about that. Wow. Uh. And so the flying squirrels were
all over me now that video. They were like, I
think six or seven squirrels in the video that was
posted on Instagram and Facebook last weekend. We went back
the next day and they were double that. We're talking
fifteen plus squirrels. It was so bad. When I got
(25:31):
back in the car, I had to like run again
in the I was worried the squirrels. We're gonna jump
in the car and we were gonna have a pet
squirrel in the car. They were everywhere. And then when
I was trying to drive away, these squirrels are so
used to human interaction that they weren't even getting out
of the way of the car. Like they were just
(25:51):
standing there like mad dog in the car, Like, we're
you gonna run me over. Come on, tough guy, you
can run me over. You're not gonna run me over
with a squirrel. I'm a squirrel. Yeah, that was my Like,
it's like when you go to the beach and he
feeds seagulls, right, you give a little bit of bread,
and all of a sudden, everybody comes and gets your
So what I just said, I just used the seagull analogy.
I know, but I'm just thinking out loud right now
(26:11):
with you, like how they just came at you because she,
your wife, had it on Instagram. She made one video,
but there were other We went back, and there were
many more the second time we went, and that was
a different place too. It was not the same place.
We went back to a different place, and there's squirrels
in more Obey, there's a bunch of squirrels also, And
(26:33):
that's where you're at, right. You were on the coast
when you took that last video. Uh. Well, the the
video of me standing in the ocean was in Santa Barbara,
but the one prior to that was at a just
a like a vista where I was feeding the squirrels
just off just down the road from San Simeon, like
a couple of miles down the road from San Simeon
(26:55):
before you get to the next town, which is what
is that? Well, you're not familiar with central California, so
you're no good at this, but we're talking. I did
minor league baseball for a year, because you advise, what's
that what's the town below? Uh? San Simeon, Oh, God
starts with a cea. We stopped there. Wifelights to that
(27:15):
town too. It's an old cat It's just off Highway one,
main Street. There's a bunch of shops, a few hotels. Cambria, Cambria. Yeah,
that's it, Cambria. Actually in Cambria. Yeah, like like Cambria.
Ate some fetecchini alfredo and Cambria wasn't very good. The
big question is did you get some sun? No? Not really.
(27:38):
It was overcast. That's what my kind of beach. It's overcast,
kind of cool. It was in the low sixties, like
sixty one degrees. People are busting my balls from wearing
a long sleeve slur shirt. I'm not. I'm not going
out there, you know in my banana hammock if it's
sixty degrees, I'm not doing that. Hey man, I was
at least proud of you, I when I saw you
(28:00):
before you took off for your trip. Yeah, funk man,
you have like it's like you unzipped a fat body
and threw it in the Pacific Ocean, like you have
a you have a brand new body. Wow is that
a compliment? Guess gun? Yeah that's here. Wow, Well I
am I am proud of the fact that I did not.
(28:20):
I've heard a lot of people have gotten fat over
the COVID last year and a half. Yeah, yeah, Like,
I made sure not to do that, So I did
pass that, by which I'm happy about. Yes, well, yeah,
you should be holy hell man. But then then no,
the great thing about assholes and the mallem militious, like,
no matter what I look like when I was obese,
(28:42):
you're fat, but now I'm too skinny, or now I
need you know, I skip leg day. You've got to
get stronger, you know. It's what I understand. That's how
people are operating to attack other people's vanity. I understand that,
and um, but you know, just douche bags. Well, I
appreciate at the effort. Dude, that's not fucking easy, especially
when you're intermittent fast for such a long period of time.
(29:04):
But then you see the results. It is, it is
clearly evident. It's the only way till I die. This
is how I'm gonna live my life. And then I'll
really be on a long fast. Guest, I think about
that when I tied my God, that will be the
mother of all all fast. Um, I mean, I'll never
read again. Guestcots, Oh my god, don't worry about you.
Texted me what kind of fast you're on exactly, I
(29:27):
won't be sending you pictures of the pizza that make.
So I screwed up because we had a listener with
a couple of listeners um that actually sent us some
some material and and I know I was able to
get my mail. I came in and got my mail,
which was cool. Yes, so Lord Goufa sent us some
some stuff and he asked what size shirt you? Yes?
(29:48):
And I screwed up because you being tall, I thought, okay,
well even if you lost weight, like I thought a
triple X would be suitable for you. But I shot
the mood on that. Yeah, that's h and I haven't
nice MUMU now thank you for that. You know, I'm like, uh,
like the problem I have. I have a weird kind
of build, so I need tall sizes and they don't
(30:09):
make T shirts and tall sizes often. Yes, So how
do you shop? Then? Do you have to go online
and specifically order it there through the Yeah? Usually just
buy you know the big and tall stores. And I'm
not as big as I was, but I'm tall, so
I can use an XL tall or I like him
a little looser, so I usually if if the shirts tied,
I'll get a two x L. But I really only
(30:30):
need an EXCEL. The key part of that it's tall.
That's the problem. Alright. So we we've got German, a
trip to Germany, and now what is this all about?
It's uh, it's it's interesting because we mentioned I mentioned
it a couple of weeks ago on on the podcast,
and I had a test with the European League of
(30:51):
Football and they brought me on as an English speaking
at sometimes announcer and um past the first hurdle and
to last weekend Sunday morning at six o'clock Pacific at
three o'clock. I don't know what it is in German time.
I don't know what CET stands for in German, but
(31:12):
but yeah, kickoff was underway between Berlin and Leipzig and
it stands for Central European time. But yeah, I called
my first European League of Football game for a brand
new league out there in Europe. It was awesome a
lot of fun, but it was a solo mission and
it was really challenging in the sense of getting down
(31:34):
pronunciations at the last second because the league itself was
it was the inception came in November, but most of
these teams, general managers, coaches all came together at the
last minute, so trying to get rosters that were up
to date and get names was extremely challenging. My game
was the last game of the day and it lasted
(31:55):
four hours. Four hours. Like officials were throwing flags left
and right. One guy snapped his leg, they're blown coverages,
all kinds of penalties, guys getting hurt. So was everything
you thought would be from a European football league. But
they play NFL rules except for over time and yeah,
but these guys were led by American quarterbacks, so they
(32:18):
got to sling it around a little bit. Anyone we've
heard of, Um, there was a couple Um a wide
receiver named Anthony Doable. He played for the New York
Giants in the Atlanta Falcons. And how much of these
guys get paid, I don't know. That's the crazy things.
Some of these guys are getting paid, but they also
(32:38):
have second jobs to other guys are just worried about
getting taped for the National Football League, Like there's a
get that. But there's still it's expensive to travel the
Germany just to live there is also well the kicker
the kicker is is this though, is they use all
native players except they are allowed to bring in ten
foreigners and have four Americans on their raw suster. But
(33:00):
even Americans are playing somewhere in Europe, whether it's in
the UK, Austria, Germany, Poland Spain, They're they're playing somewhere,
so they're getting some kind of coin. So I'm looking
at the team nicknames, and some of them are okay, yeah,
like the Jans had the Berlin thunder Kings is weak thunder.
(33:22):
We've got that Surge homage to Surge ibaka. I guess
what the Centurions? How about that? That's different? Dragons? I
think more of like baseball right, Galaxy there's a soccer
team called the Galaxy Devils. Devils dude, rock cloth Panthers,
(33:46):
what is it? Rock cloth? The ws are actually vs?
Oh is that right? And the slanted bees. If you
see a B that's slanted like it goes upward, that's
actually not a B, it's a double S. Holy fuck.
I don't even know English. How am I supposed to
learn that? So? Wait? W is a v way I
(34:08):
can I can remember that could be thing. I don't
think I'll remember, no, because you could see it. It
would look it would look like you took one of
the hoops from the B and you pulled it up,
and when you pull it up, it looks it's a
double S. So you're doing this remotely? Yes? And how
many people are listening to this? It's it's a worldwide feat,
so there's two broadcasters. I know it's worldwide, but I
(34:28):
mean we're worldwide. But that's people have to know about it.
I got people listening, you do you know? Well, So
what I do know is that they have a YouTube channel,
so as soon as the game ends, they have a
complete highlight package of each game. And there were a
lot of people that were actually commentating on my commentary
and then the feat itself, so it was gonna get
(34:50):
some kind of responses back and forth on that. So
my game alone, I see it, it has over sixteen
thousand views on it, so that's good. I like their
their logos like a rip off of the NFL logo
in the NBA and baseball. They've got the red and
the blue, except they've got a guy like going up
(35:10):
to make a one handed catch, like, yeah, I wouldn't
be surprised if that is Odell Beckham right, that they
just took that photo and staid here, Unwashed Masses is
our new logos. So they'll they'll have a championship game
on September. They'll Have're gonna fly you to Germany for
the championship game. I'm I try to get that game.
So there's five broadcasters that speak in English and four
(35:35):
of us. We we rotate, so four will be on
a call every week with one guy being off. So
my my job at least, what I'm trying to position
is to you obviously be that lead guy for the
playoffs and then for the postseason championship game. So I'm
gonna try what games is Petro's doing? Do we know
what games he's not doing? Thank you? I'm not getting
(35:58):
trump by him on the side. The p is not
in the German No. But it's crazy to see these
guys because when you look at him in stature, didn't
look like they can play in the NFL. It just
but the way that these guys are coached up is
just drastically different from according to their coaches. Because most
(36:19):
of these guys are former or just past NFL people,
whether they're g MS, scouts, coaches, coordinators. So they've all
gone to Europe trying to get back into the National
Football League. Yeah, so where do you get the stats?
I'm looking at the stat page on their website. I
don't see players stats. I see the standings because they
will see the players. Yeah, they're waiting to give us
(36:41):
an official stat stat chart on all these games. So
I don't know if they even have they them have
a deal with stats inc or So that was the kicker.
I had no live stats. That's a blessing and a curse.
It's a blessing because you can say whatever you want.
Nobody can. Yeah, he'd be very exotic. He'd be like
(37:03):
when Ronald Reagan was recreating baseball games in Iowa and
the ticker broke. You know, he's doing off the ticker
for the Cubs games and he just you know, just
have to like Ken Levine, We should have him on
the podcast when he did minor league baseball, like it
was just you know, just kind of fill in the
blanks and you did that when you were did Yeah,
one guy had a one guy had a pretty good run.
Of like forty yards. I exaggerated. I said it was
(37:24):
like sixty. Yeah, Now you do the you know, forty
five fifty fifty thirty five down at the twenty seven
yard line? Do you like? I always I wouldn't you
say yard line? That's like a homage? Was it? Who
was it? Bob Trumpy? Remember there was a old school
broadcast He would always Bob Starr used to do that
(37:45):
when I was a kid listening to Rams games on
the radio, and he would he would say the yard,
you know, yard line like instead of just the mark. Yeah.
Who man, I'm trying to think. Who was the guy
that announced he did? Uh Notre Dame football for the
longest time? Oh yeah, was it Bob? No, it wasn't
Bob Trumpy. What was the guy's name? Don c Yes, Don?
(38:07):
Maybe it was Don Cricky I'm thinking of But yeah,
I remember watching Don and I love the way he
annunciated the down. It made it seem more impressive. Yeah,
it made it seem more impressive, So I thought that
was cool. Him and dick Enberg were two my favorites.
Oh yeah, Edburg was a great don creaky, solid, smooth. Yeah,
(38:29):
it was really good. Absolutely, absolutely I did have one
guy return a kickoff back yards for a score, so
I had that one was a decent call. Yeah, but yeah,
here comes the stampede of seed devils. YEA gonna mix
that a little bit, just imagine, because can we get
(38:50):
you to use the word like we can get some
of the Malmsted to watch these games. Can you get
hornswoggle in? Yeah? I could jam anything I want to
in there. Okay, you would say anything you could, So
I'd like to just the word horn swoggle. I can
lend that word to you. It's one of my words.
Another one of my words is crowbar. You should use
crowbar a good word there. You can say that the
when the quarterback gets sacked they dropped a piano on him.
(39:13):
You could do that. That's good my catchphrases. Yeah, you
can use that one. I'll use that. So that way
I have proof in a highlight package I can. I
can pass it along. But I actually incorporated I crow
bard it into the show. Yes, you see that, look
at that. So yeah, it was. It was fun. It was.
It was one of hopefully a bigger package, but obviously
(39:34):
trying to lead this into something else here domestically, whether
their Fox or ESPN or someone always trying to get
the bigger package. You guess, on your entire life. That's
what's all about, right, I understand we're never satisfied here
in l A are we. I'm fine, Okay, I'm alright.
It's what all that like to be in a real house.
But alrighty Mallard mini mansion, I guess you can call
(39:58):
it the mini mansion. You go from the Mallard Action
to the Madonna in for for a day. Yes, I
spent a day there at the Madonna, and I think
you should you know different people, guest, com maybe somebody
out there to meet halfway, you know, a little roady
for both and just meet someone on the highway. How
about that? Well, hitchhiking is very popular. These two pe
(40:21):
love the hitchhiking, like nineteen seventies seven? Aren't there hitchhiking now?
I had planned to do a few pop quiz questions
and scientifical but we've gone rather long here, guest, and
I feel like we've done enough content for the podcast
that we were good. We don't need We can bring
that stuff back next week. How about that? We can?
We can? Would that be good? So we'll Bag, the
(40:44):
Scientifical and the Pop Quiz. We've got the mail bag
on Sundays. Sunday's Sunday, But remember cameo dot com you
want a personal video message, did one for Father's Day
last weekend which was on a cool But if anything
going on birthdays, bar mitzvah's, weddings, funerals, or you just
(41:05):
want somebody to cheer you up, cameo dot com. Ben
Mallard gascons on there as well. If you want to
send a question into a future mail bag, you can
send it care of the email page. The email page
is Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com, Real fifth
Hour at gmail dot com, and we may use your
(41:26):
question on a future edition of the mail Bag. Until then,
Aloha mahallow, shalom riva there chay bye bye. Be sure
to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays
at two a m. Eastern eleven pm Pacific. Be sure
to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays
(41:48):
at two a m. Eastern eleven pm Pacific on Fox
Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app
If you thought more hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of the
old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats crackheads
in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich pill
poppers in the penthouse, to clearing house of hot takes,
break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with Ben
(00:24):
Maller starts right now. Happy days are here again. We
are back at it in the magic podcast Machine, the
salt mines of podcasting. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. We thank you
for finding the Fifth Hour podcast. Obviously you have figured
out how to download it. We know you have shared
(00:46):
the podcast with others. You have gone on and reviewed
the podcast and said really nice things, which is icing
on the cake. And you have not thrown your hands
up in horror about anything that you have heard in
any of these podcasts over the weekend. But we do
this because hey, four hours a night on the overnight
not enough. A spinoff of the mildly popular Ben Maller
(01:09):
Overnight radio show here, only available in the podcast format,
so we can say all the bad words. We are
not governed by the Federal Communications Commission in the United States. Now,
even when I'm on overnight. I'm in the safe harbor,
so we're we're allowed to use more spicy language, but
we have to worry about the Wocarati, and the Wocarati
does not like spicy language, so we are governed by
(01:32):
both the f CC and the Wocarati. But joined again
from west of the four oh five making his way
and I know it's a big inconvenience, but ready to
rock and roll, David Gascon, I feel like that applauses
(01:57):
a little longer than normal. But do you appreciate that
from the from the crowd, from the spectacle, that is?
What is your what is your favorite word to use
in profanity? And what's your most vulgar word that you
like straight from the hip that you can shoot at
anyone at any time. Uh, profanity is It really depends
(02:17):
on the situation, right, I mean there's on the audience.
I mean there's there's that magic word. Uh you know,
see you next Tuesday when you use that and the
proper you know, with the proper crowd there, boy, that
really gets that really gets people people's feathers up and
gets them going there. But you know, I'm a traditionalist
(02:38):
with profanity you know, good m f h. You know,
properly positioned there. I think is is very effective, very effective.
And when I was in junior high school, and I
actually got in trouble for this. When I was in
junior high school, somebody, I don't know if I've told
this story before, maybe I have. So when I was
in junior high school, kid brought this. Is in the
(02:58):
stone Age before the Internet, right, we just that computers,
but it wasn't like it is. There was no Internet,
worldwide Web. So when I was in school, somebody brought
a piece of paper and it was like, it's a
hundred in something ways to say the word fuck, right,
And I thought this was the coolest thing ever. And
I came from a family that with only curse when
(03:21):
things got crazy and tried not to curse around me
and all that stuff. So but at school, of course,
everyone just has a potty a mount. Everyone's a sailor
in elementary and junior high school and high school and
all that. So you think you're an adult because you're cursing.
So somebody brought this. One of my buddies brought this
piece of paper, and my parents, God loved them. May
the rested piece. They had a mailing service, and because
(03:43):
they had a mailing service, they had I had access
to a copy machine. So I thought, you know, a
way to get some credibility on the playground. I'm gonna
take that piece of paper goodheartedly. I'm gonna go home,
my parents aren't looking. I'm going to print up fifty
copies and pass them out to all the guys that
I know in junior high school. And again it's like
(04:04):
a hundred something ways to use the word fuck. So
I go home and I'm very excited and I print
all those things up. I go to school the next
day and then pass them out. Right, I've done it,
mission accomplished. I then get home from school and my
mom's like, hey, Ben, I need to talk to you
about something else I want did did the school? Did
(04:24):
the school contact my parents and say your kids passing
out a hundred ways to use the word fuck? Um? No, no,
it was not that. And I thought, well, maybe I
didn't clean the bathroom where I didn't do, you know,
do one of my chores at the house and not
on that. Um, I'm such a such a idiot that
I went in my haste to get away with the
(04:45):
perfect crime printing up the one fifty copies of one
hundred ways to use the word fuck, I had mistakenly
left the original copy in the printer. So when when
my parents went to use the printer for work and
they're like, is this and you know, did you do that? No?
I didn't do this. Did you wait a minute? Ben
you know? And of course at that point it's not
(05:06):
ben it's Benjamin, you know, because when I'm in trouble
with Benjamin. So but yeah, as as I said, a
traditionalist with profanity, I think the the F word is
the way to go. Now, what about you, guess gon?
Growing up privileged west of the four oh five, where
was there a go to term that you used back
in the day marking at the moon? No? Well, first
(05:28):
of all, my my father never swore, never, never, never.
What about now and that he's now that you already
growing up? Does he curse? No? Not really, maybe rare
if he does, but he only does it when he's
in a in a heated conversation, but he doesn't do
it around us. And whenever we his kids use foul language,
(05:49):
he always says like, yeah, David, don't use that kind
of language or nice I like your pops. That's great.
My grandfather when I was growing up used to cur
us in Yiddish. He that's why I learned some of
the bad words in Yiddish because he would not curse
in front in English. Yeah. Yeah, you got the goods,
so you can. You can hide a lot of your
(06:09):
your vulgar language. It's pretty yeah. Yeah. Well, the problem
is that a lot of the Yiddish has become like
main stream stream. Like you know, there's certain words that
are Yiddish where kutz it's most people know what that is. Uh,
you know, there's a few others, but the really good
stuff a lot of people still don't know that. So
(06:31):
I've got so that didn't curse. No, so you had
I like your mom, Well, we drove. I drove my
mother up the wall. So you can imagine having four
kids that you're at your disposal trying to get to
school while she's working and dad's you know, working well
past the nine to five. Yeah. We we kept her.
(06:52):
We kept her awake many of nights. So yeah, but yeah,
I think my favorite words got to be cut. It
just it triggers everybody. You could call a guy a punt,
and it's much worse than calling him a bit, like,
don't act like a bit, but if you say then
you're acting like a cunt. It just it just rubs
(07:15):
people the wrong way. But you know, the word fuck you,
iverybody you say fuck you or fuck It's almost like baseball.
You know, there's nine ways to get to first base,
and they give a baseball, including a recording a hit.
And so funk is just so multidimensional that you can
use it anytime, any place, with anybody. It's really the
(07:36):
everything curse word. It goes with any outfit, any group
of people that you're with. Scholars, probably not preachers, but
even they occasionally, you know, they're human, so they'll they'll
curse in all that. But but yeah, now you gotta
be careful because we have a guy in in Arkansas
who's a big fan in the Mallem mission gets very
(07:59):
upset use profanity here. Oh so yeah, you're very careful there.
He drives a big truck there and he gets very
upset and he he'll send me messages. Is that how
come you have to use those dirty words in there?
What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Did something
happened to you? Are you trying to be a shock jock.
Are you trying to get attention? And I'm I'm like, well,
(08:21):
no not. I mean, we're allowed to curse on the podcast.
I'd curse on the radio show if we were allowed
to curse on the radio show occasionally. But I do
think there's a key to everbyone when Howard Stern crossed
over from terrestrial radio to satellite radio and he he
realized that, yeah, you can curse, but it's not it
loses its muster if you do it all the time.
(08:47):
You know, Sir scratch Off in Arkansas is the guy
I'm referencing, by the way. God, he's gets very offended
by the handry language that we you. I apologize we're
using it for good. I mean you you brought it
up as you introduced the show, so I had to ask.
I think, I don't think i've ever asked you what
your favorite vulgar word is. Like I said, I'm I'm
(09:07):
a purist. The F word fuck, that's the top curse
word there, with a winking or nod to ship, which
I don't think should be a curse word to me.
Ship should be allowed to be said. I don't understand
why it's not. I can't figure that. Maybe somebody smarter
than me can explain it to me. Like I'm five
years old, I don't get it. When you were ship,
every human being to be alive, you have to ship.
(09:30):
What's the problem with ship? Well, to be without ship,
you're not alive. Ship's a sign of life. Well, to
be fair, though, without fucking, you know, we wouldn't be
alive either. Well, we wouldn't be alive with that fucking,
but we can live. There are people that are like
a sexual who don't fuck or for whatever reason, they
don't do that, and so they they're fine, right, they don't.
(09:51):
The Yiddish term, by the way, which you want to use, stooping,
that's my. So if I'm on the end, I say stooping,
that's my. That's Yiddish for fucking or stoop, which is
just fuck stoop you you know that's that's now? Do
you tight ritt walk on the radio with your language? Uh? Well,
I don't think so. I have only been called out
(10:13):
once for something that I said. Uh, and that's actually
the term prick, which is a a Yiddish term. You
know what that means? And yeah, and somebody got up
set with me on that. But like the stooping, I've
used stooping. I used that every so often, tookis, which
(10:35):
means buttocks, and uh, I'd like to use that one.
But a lot of it, you know, people don't know
what it is, and it just kind of goes in.
Do you think about radio? Is most people listening only
here about at the most twenty percent of what we're saying,
So a lot of it just is just going out
into the ethos and nothing. Nobody knows what the hell
is going on. Anyway. We have on this edition, the
(10:57):
Saturday edition of The Fifth Hour, Within and David Gascon
the travel Log. I touched on this briefly on the
radio show, but I didn't really go into a lot
of detail. I wanted to save that for the podcast,
and I thought Saturday is the perfect day to do that.
So I have the Mallard travel Log, the Squirrel Whisper,
we have that, We have tales from Germany, pop quiz,
(11:21):
and maybe if we have time, we'll get scientifical. So
we have all that. Tell me you're not excited, I
am excited for you, all right, So last weekend we're
gonna go all the way back to last weekend of
the way Back Machine. So I took a rare and
appropriate day away from my catbird seat, my watchbirds seat
there as the guardian of overnight sports radio. The reason
(11:44):
I did that is my wife's schedule changing this week.
She went back to a non convenient work. Her schedule
changes every like four months, every six months on like that. Uh,
And so her schedule changed and we were on we
were aligned on the same schedule, so we were able
to hang out, get quality time on the weekend. Um.
(12:06):
But that no longer the case. My wife will be
working on the weekends. I will have my time off
on the weekends, and so the planets are not going
to be lined up. And so we thought, well, this
is the last weekend before you know, four or five,
six months from now, and everything's upside down. As I
said in the Saturday podcast last week that I was,
I'm moving. I'm living in a halfway house right now,
so things things are a little upside down for me
(12:27):
in my life. I'm a creature of habit um. Unfortunately,
I got the studio set up. I think it sounds
sounds pretty good, but anyway, so so we went out
and spent the weekend away from La traveled up the
California coast. Now, the great thing about geography is if
I was making the same road trips, say I started
out in Georgia, right, and which is on the southern part.
(12:48):
I know Florida's below that, But let's say Georgia and
you're driving up the east coast, I would have ended
up probably in Virginia. If I was driving up the
east coast in California, I was still in California. We
went to central California, unsullied by the slop of Los
Angeles or the people shipping on the streets of San Francisco.
(13:10):
They're doing that in l A also, uh and a
nice little oasis, Castle Blanca, if you will. I spent
a night in San Louis Obispo. Yeah. I like it there.
It's cool. It's nice town. My wife loves the Madonna In.
You ever been to the Madonna You have not good
(13:33):
weekend getaway right off the highway one there and Madonna
In is a gotty, over the top hotel designed for
women and gay men. I would say the hotel is
and my wife loves it. My it's her favorite place
to say. It's like something you would expect to see
(13:54):
at the Vegas trip. In fact, I've described the Madonna
In as sir Orkus circus for women adult women, uh
you know, and or girls as well. I mean, who cares.
But for the female gender, I believe there are male
and females. So Madonna In is the it's gonna slip
that in get did you hear that guy? I'm a
(14:15):
rebel and I'm old school. Yeah. Anyway, so, uh, she
loves the Madonna In and it's her favorite hotel in California.
So we drove us an all day drive from where
we live, and we went out and we're supposed to
get there at two o'clock. We got there at seven o'clock.
So we left a little late classic road trip. Eight
(14:36):
on the road, stopped, stopped off, I stopped off in
Woodland Hills, got a bite teat kept going driving through California,
and we drove all day there, had a nice dinner,
a little late night swim in the heated pool. Giving
the Mallard travel log, I went to bed, got up,
went back to the pool, and then traveled up in
(14:57):
Highway one. They're not all the way to Monterey, but
up Highway one. We visited Morrow Bay, wonderful town, all
those little beach towns, all those little beach towns. Uh
pretty pretty cool. Uh. So yeah, we we went down
to Morrow Bay, hung out there, spend a night in
Morrow Bay. And I've been to these places before. I
(15:18):
I ate fishing chips, so I met my quota for
I'm a pilot. I ate seafood for the first time
in one and I don't think I ate it last year,
so first time since nineteen I usually eat it once
or twice a year. I've met my quota. Then we
went off to San Simeon State Beach. You ever been
to San Simeon Never? You've never been to the Hearst Castle. Never, Oh,
(15:41):
you gotta go check it out. Man, Hearst Class Castle
was actually closed. I've been there before, so I didn't
need to go. But there's this little I shouldn't say
it because then people will show up like You're like,
I have that kind of power. Please anyway, there you
want a little cool thing to do in California, if
you're on the on the West coast, you drive up
Highway one. It's about an hour outside San Louis obis
(16:01):
Ball on Highway one, beautiful road. And right across the
street from hurst Castle is the beach that that Hurst
used to bring in all the building materials, and there's
a pier. It's always foggy, always foggy, Morrow Bay and
also in San Simeon, and it's great. There's almost nobody there.
(16:21):
It's picturesque, the water is green. It's just beautiful. And Hurst,
if you know about his his over the top home
which is now a museum, he when he died his
estate left all that land. The reason cal Central California
has nobody living in it comparison to l A in
San Francisco is because of the fact that Hurst bought
(16:42):
all the land and just gave it to the state
of California's a nature preserve essentially, but he has got
there's zebras roaming around and all these exotic animals and
they've called a lot of cows, a lot of cows.
And uh, we leisurely stopped off at some vistas and
deserted beaches, and it didn't remind me that part of
California reminds me a little bit of Hawaii, where you
(17:04):
can just pull off to the side of the road
and and go out to the beach and nobody really
bugs you. You're just gonna watch out for the occasional
highway patrol officer who's a little over aggressive with the tickets.
But other than that, you're good. Uh and and that.
So that was the travel log, but that leads us
into the squirrel whisper. Well before we get into that.
(17:27):
Knowing you and knowing your wife, this madonna in is
right up her strike zone. Like I'm looking at this
is not no, no, no no, This is like right
in her wheelhouse. Yeah. When I travel, I tend to
stay at the cheapest possible place. I can say, I don't.
I don't care. To me, it's not about the hotel.
(17:48):
It's about doing stuff. If I travel, I don't believe
in off and go exactly. She disagrees. Her Her outlook
is it's about comfort. It's about a nice hotel. She
doesn't mind dropping the good amount of money on hotel rooms.
So we've come to a compromise, much like most things
in my life, as long as I don't know how
(18:08):
much it costs, I'm okay. So you know, you can,
you know, drop drop a C note on a hotel
or whatever. I don't know. I don't care. I'm not
I'm not going to worry about it if I don't
know about it's kind of I mean, it's it's cool
in some ways. I don't know if this is kind
of nostalgic for you, because looking at a few of
the rooms and even the bathrooms, it makes me feel
(18:30):
like I'm at my grandparents house looking at the Madonna
and yeah, yeah, Like some of the bathrooms are tiled.
They're checkered tiled, so like blue and gold a little bit.
Every room has a theme and it's over the top.
It's like if here's an outdated reference, guess scoun But
the older listeners will will get it. You listening who
(18:52):
are over a certain age, a Liberati like you know Liberally.
You know, Liberaci is the entertain her in Vegas that
played the piano, the gay guy with the over the
top outfits and all that. He by the way, he
lived in Sherman Oaks. Did you know that he lived
right up the hill from the mother ship the Fox
Sports radio studios. But anyway, it's like something he would
(19:13):
put together. Um over the top, and yeah, I mean
she loves it, and it's like a whole big process
to pick me out which room are we gonna stay in?
You know this time? You know that whole thing. That's cool.
You gotta do at least once. What kind of room
did you guys actually stay in. I don't remember the
name of it was. It was one of the It
was like bright red. There was rock on the walls. Uh.
(19:36):
It didn't have a sofa. That reminded me of my
grandmother's MISSI resident. Yeah, I did have that bright red carpet,
chandeliers everywhere, you know that kind of thing. Oh, man,
that's great. There's the old world Sweet, the Madonna, Sweet,
the Karen, the Caveman, the Karen. Yeah, boy, I still
(19:57):
changing the name of that. It's a are I n though?
All the love nest? Who the love Nest? Yeah? There
were people there on their hunting moon. We saw cars
in the parking lot. They were all painted up, you know,
a happy marriage, you know, happy wedding whatever. So, yeah,
this is kind of cool. Man. You're gonna go there.
You gotta go, man, come on, guess go and get
(20:18):
you act again. Well, I found I found a room
for me there too. What is it the Jackass room?
Rock Bottom, the rock Bottom. It's really a homage to
your career, so, uh, why why not? Oh my gosh,
that's good man. Be sure to catch live editions of
The Ben Maller Show week days at two am eastern
eleven pm Pacific. Be sure to catch live editions of
(20:41):
The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am eastern eleven
pm Pacific on Fox Sports Radio and the I Heart
Radio app. So that was my travel and then we
I love the slow, methodical drive back. We came back
on Saturday. I had to get back for the Clipper game,
so we slowly drove down the California coast. We were
(21:02):
all the way up at San Simeon, and you know,
we drove through the different towns along Highway One, got
back on you know, the main drag in San Louis
abyss Ball, and we stopped off in Santa Barbara and Ventura.
You know a couple of different places that are I
don't usually go to because I live far away from
those places. So I love Santa Barbara. And in Builton,
(21:26):
which is right next door, actually know the Bulton's up
a little bit. That's where we went to, uh to
have the fried donuts in what's that town called right
next to Buleton you had fried donuts. Yeah, yeah, I'd
say in nor it's like a Norwegian Swedish what's the
name of that town? Having a mental block there now
(21:49):
I've talked about it before. They have the like the
little Danish town in California north of Santa Barbara's like
an hour north of Santa Barbara. Half an hour north
of Santa Barbara. Come on, askon, come on, gascon Solvang,
boom solving. It's definitely note my, why not man, because
(22:09):
that's a great day trip in l A, a little
slice of Denmark in in California. Solvang really Danish, that's
what says on Google. They've got delicious Danish bakeries. You
get these little eber skeezels something I think of butchering
the name of it, but they're like fried donuts with
(22:30):
jelly on top. There's a lot of windmills and it's
a little tourist town and it was completely shut down
for a year because King knew some shut everything down,
and it was nice to see it back open. So
the Squirrel Whisper one of my many stops here. I
came across the pot of gold at the end of
(22:51):
the Rainbow hungry squirrels. So we stopped off. I mentioned
were stopping at these like vistas and a little roadside
turn and office we can look at the ocean whatnot,
and on Highway one. And as soon as we exited
the car at one of these vistas, these critters greeted us,
greeted me in particular with open arms, and they were
(23:14):
like standing up demanding food. Reminded me of Bella when
I when I give Bella a treat, she stands up
on her legs. I says, give me more, give me more,
right like just like that. And so I realized I
had a bag of peanuts that I had taken with
me that I just happened as a snack when I
(23:36):
was driving up on the once I broke my fast
and I was driving up the road, I snack on
some peanuts, and so I attempted to feed the little buggers.
And it seemed like a good idea at the time,
but it it much like if you've been at the
beach during the summer and you feed the seagulls. You
know you can feed seagulls, and they always say if
you feed one, there's a dozen more that are going
to appear in Squawk and Squeal. I'd never heard that
(23:58):
about squirrels. I didn't heard that about squirrels. So needless
to say, it was as bad as that the squirrels
brought friends and family, and it was a hooting nanny
shindig type of situation. And its like as I told
my wife, I said, you gotta record this. This is ridiculous,
like so in the in the video she posted, I
(24:19):
was a total daredevil. Everyone impressed at my heroic nature. There.
I risked my life to feed these bushy tailed rodents,
rats with furry tales. As some have said, here these
squirrels can carry rabies, and here I am with my
sandals on standing there, risking my health to feed these squirrels.
(24:45):
Think about that, guys, think about the heroic nature of
this action. And one of them was so excited to
get my nuts it ran across my foot. The squirrel
was so excited, and that scared me a little bit.
I was taken aback by that. I was worried I'd
been bitten by the squirrel. Why are you scared? I mean,
you have plenty of Mallard militia members that are roping
for your nuts. So I don't know why you're worried
(25:07):
about that. Wow. Uh. And so the flying squirrels were
all over me now that video. They were like, I
think six or seven squirrels in the video that was
posted on Instagram and Facebook last weekend. We went back
the next day and they were double that. We're talking
fifteen plus squirrels. It was so bad. When I got
(25:31):
back in the car, I had to like run again
in the I was worried the squirrels. We're gonna jump
in the car and we were gonna have a pet
squirrel in the car. They were everywhere. And then when
I was trying to drive away, these squirrels are so
used to human interaction that they weren't even getting out
of the way of the car. Like they were just
(25:51):
standing there like mad dog in the car, Like, we're
you gonna run me over. Come on, tough guy, you
can run me over. You're not gonna run me over
with a squirrel. I'm a squirrel. Yeah, that was my Like,
it's like when you go to the beach and he
feeds seagulls, right, you give a little bit of bread,
and all of a sudden, everybody comes and gets your
So what I just said, I just used the seagull analogy.
I know, but I'm just thinking out loud right now
(26:11):
with you, like how they just came at you because she,
your wife, had it on Instagram. She made one video,
but there were other We went back, and there were
many more the second time we went, and that was
a different place too. It was not the same place.
We went back to a different place, and there's squirrels
in more Obey, there's a bunch of squirrels also, And
(26:33):
that's where you're at, right. You were on the coast
when you took that last video. Uh. Well, the the
video of me standing in the ocean was in Santa Barbara,
but the one prior to that was at a just
a like a vista where I was feeding the squirrels
just off just down the road from San Simeon, like
a couple of miles down the road from San Simeon
(26:55):
before you get to the next town, which is what
is that? Well, you're not familiar with central California, so
you're no good at this, but we're talking. I did
minor league baseball for a year, because you advise, what's
that what's the town below? Uh? San Simeon, Oh, God
starts with a cea. We stopped there. Wifelights to that
(27:15):
town too. It's an old cat It's just off Highway one,
main Street. There's a bunch of shops, a few hotels. Cambria, Cambria. Yeah,
that's it, Cambria. Actually in Cambria. Yeah, like like Cambria.
Ate some fetecchini alfredo and Cambria wasn't very good. The
big question is did you get some sun? No? Not really.
(27:38):
It was overcast. That's what my kind of beach. It's overcast,
kind of cool. It was in the low sixties, like
sixty one degrees. People are busting my balls from wearing
a long sleeve slur shirt. I'm not. I'm not going
out there, you know in my banana hammock if it's
sixty degrees, I'm not doing that. Hey man, I was
at least proud of you, I when I saw you
(28:00):
before you took off for your trip. Yeah, funk man,
you have like it's like you unzipped a fat body
and threw it in the Pacific Ocean, like you have
a you have a brand new body. Wow is that
a compliment? Guess gun? Yeah that's here. Wow, Well I
am I am proud of the fact that I did not.
(28:20):
I've heard a lot of people have gotten fat over
the COVID last year and a half. Yeah, yeah, Like,
I made sure not to do that, So I did
pass that, by which I'm happy about. Yes, well, yeah,
you should be holy hell man. But then then no,
the great thing about assholes and the mallem militious, like,
no matter what I look like when I was obese,
(28:42):
you're fat, but now I'm too skinny, or now I
need you know, I skip leg day. You've got to
get stronger, you know. It's what I understand. That's how
people are operating to attack other people's vanity. I understand that,
and um, but you know, just douche bags. Well, I
appreciate at the effort. Dude, that's not fucking easy, especially
when you're intermittent fast for such a long period of time.
(29:04):
But then you see the results. It is, it is
clearly evident. It's the only way till I die. This
is how I'm gonna live my life. And then I'll
really be on a long fast. Guest, I think about
that when I tied my God, that will be the
mother of all all fast. Um, I mean, I'll never
read again. Guestcots, Oh my god, don't worry about you.
Texted me what kind of fast you're on exactly, I
(29:27):
won't be sending you pictures of the pizza that make.
So I screwed up because we had a listener with
a couple of listeners um that actually sent us some
some material and and I know I was able to
get my mail. I came in and got my mail,
which was cool. Yes, so Lord Goufa sent us some
some stuff and he asked what size shirt you? Yes?
(29:48):
And I screwed up because you being tall, I thought, okay,
well even if you lost weight, like I thought a
triple X would be suitable for you. But I shot
the mood on that. Yeah, that's h and I haven't
nice MUMU now thank you for that. You know, I'm like, uh,
like the problem I have. I have a weird kind
of build, so I need tall sizes and they don't
(30:09):
make T shirts and tall sizes often. Yes, So how
do you shop? Then? Do you have to go online
and specifically order it there through the Yeah? Usually just
buy you know the big and tall stores. And I'm
not as big as I was, but I'm tall, so
I can use an XL tall or I like him
a little looser, so I usually if if the shirts tied,
I'll get a two x L. But I really only
(30:30):
need an EXCEL. The key part of that it's tall.
That's the problem. Alright. So we we've got German, a
trip to Germany, and now what is this all about?
It's uh, it's it's interesting because we mentioned I mentioned
it a couple of weeks ago on on the podcast,
and I had a test with the European League of
(30:51):
Football and they brought me on as an English speaking
at sometimes announcer and um past the first hurdle and
to last weekend Sunday morning at six o'clock Pacific at
three o'clock. I don't know what it is in German time.
I don't know what CET stands for in German, but
(31:12):
but yeah, kickoff was underway between Berlin and Leipzig and
it stands for Central European time. But yeah, I called
my first European League of Football game for a brand
new league out there in Europe. It was awesome a
lot of fun, but it was a solo mission and
it was really challenging in the sense of getting down
(31:34):
pronunciations at the last second because the league itself was
it was the inception came in November, but most of
these teams, general managers, coaches all came together at the
last minute, so trying to get rosters that were up
to date and get names was extremely challenging. My game
was the last game of the day and it lasted
(31:55):
four hours. Four hours. Like officials were throwing flags left
and right. One guy snapped his leg, they're blown coverages,
all kinds of penalties, guys getting hurt. So was everything
you thought would be from a European football league. But
they play NFL rules except for over time and yeah,
but these guys were led by American quarterbacks, so they
(32:18):
got to sling it around a little bit. Anyone we've
heard of, Um, there was a couple Um a wide
receiver named Anthony Doable. He played for the New York
Giants in the Atlanta Falcons. And how much of these
guys get paid, I don't know. That's the crazy things.
Some of these guys are getting paid, but they also
(32:38):
have second jobs to other guys are just worried about
getting taped for the National Football League, Like there's a
get that. But there's still it's expensive to travel the
Germany just to live there is also well the kicker
the kicker is is this though, is they use all
native players except they are allowed to bring in ten
foreigners and have four Americans on their raw suster. But
(33:00):
even Americans are playing somewhere in Europe, whether it's in
the UK, Austria, Germany, Poland Spain, They're they're playing somewhere,
so they're getting some kind of coin. So I'm looking
at the team nicknames, and some of them are okay, yeah,
like the Jans had the Berlin thunder Kings is weak thunder.
(33:22):
We've got that Surge homage to Surge ibaka. I guess
what the Centurions? How about that? That's different? Dragons? I
think more of like baseball right, Galaxy there's a soccer
team called the Galaxy Devils. Devils dude, rock cloth Panthers,
(33:46):
what is it? Rock cloth? The ws are actually vs?
Oh is that right? And the slanted bees. If you
see a B that's slanted like it goes upward, that's
actually not a B, it's a double S. Holy fuck.
I don't even know English. How am I supposed to
learn that? So? Wait? W is a v way I
(34:08):
can I can remember that could be thing. I don't
think I'll remember, no, because you could see it. It
would look it would look like you took one of
the hoops from the B and you pulled it up,
and when you pull it up, it looks it's a
double S. So you're doing this remotely? Yes? And how
many people are listening to this? It's it's a worldwide feat,
so there's two broadcasters. I know it's worldwide, but I
(34:28):
mean we're worldwide. But that's people have to know about it.
I got people listening, you do you know? Well, So
what I do know is that they have a YouTube channel,
so as soon as the game ends, they have a
complete highlight package of each game. And there were a
lot of people that were actually commentating on my commentary
and then the feat itself, so it was gonna get
(34:50):
some kind of responses back and forth on that. So
my game alone, I see it, it has over sixteen
thousand views on it, so that's good. I like their
their logos like a rip off of the NFL logo
in the NBA and baseball. They've got the red and
the blue, except they've got a guy like going up
(35:10):
to make a one handed catch, like, yeah, I wouldn't
be surprised if that is Odell Beckham right, that they
just took that photo and staid here, Unwashed Masses is
our new logos. So they'll they'll have a championship game
on September. They'll Have're gonna fly you to Germany for
the championship game. I'm I try to get that game.
So there's five broadcasters that speak in English and four
(35:35):
of us. We we rotate, so four will be on
a call every week with one guy being off. So
my my job at least, what I'm trying to position
is to you obviously be that lead guy for the
playoffs and then for the postseason championship game. So I'm
gonna try what games is Petro's doing? Do we know
what games he's not doing? Thank you? I'm not getting
(35:58):
trump by him on the side. The p is not
in the German No. But it's crazy to see these
guys because when you look at him in stature, didn't
look like they can play in the NFL. It just
but the way that these guys are coached up is
just drastically different from according to their coaches. Because most
(36:19):
of these guys are former or just past NFL people,
whether they're g MS, scouts, coaches, coordinators. So they've all
gone to Europe trying to get back into the National
Football League. Yeah, so where do you get the stats?
I'm looking at the stat page on their website. I
don't see players stats. I see the standings because they
will see the players. Yeah, they're waiting to give us
(36:41):
an official stat stat chart on all these games. So
I don't know if they even have they them have
a deal with stats inc or So that was the kicker.
I had no live stats. That's a blessing and a curse.
It's a blessing because you can say whatever you want.
Nobody can. Yeah, he'd be very exotic. He'd be like
(37:03):
when Ronald Reagan was recreating baseball games in Iowa and
the ticker broke. You know, he's doing off the ticker
for the Cubs games and he just you know, just
have to like Ken Levine, We should have him on
the podcast when he did minor league baseball, like it
was just you know, just kind of fill in the
blanks and you did that when you were did Yeah,
one guy had a one guy had a pretty good run.
Of like forty yards. I exaggerated. I said it was
(37:24):
like sixty. Yeah, Now you do the you know, forty
five fifty fifty thirty five down at the twenty seven
yard line? Do you like? I always I wouldn't you
say yard line? That's like a homage? Was it? Who
was it? Bob Trumpy? Remember there was a old school
broadcast He would always Bob Starr used to do that
(37:45):
when I was a kid listening to Rams games on
the radio, and he would he would say the yard,
you know, yard line like instead of just the mark. Yeah.
Who man, I'm trying to think. Who was the guy
that announced he did? Uh Notre Dame football for the
longest time? Oh yeah, was it Bob? No, it wasn't
Bob Trumpy. What was the guy's name? Don c Yes, Don?
(38:07):
Maybe it was Don Cricky I'm thinking of But yeah,
I remember watching Don and I love the way he
annunciated the down. It made it seem more impressive. Yeah,
it made it seem more impressive, So I thought that
was cool. Him and dick Enberg were two my favorites.
Oh yeah, Edburg was a great don creaky, solid, smooth. Yeah,
(38:29):
it was really good. Absolutely, absolutely I did have one
guy return a kickoff back yards for a score, so
I had that one was a decent call. Yeah, but yeah,
here comes the stampede of seed devils. YEA gonna mix
that a little bit, just imagine, because can we get
(38:50):
you to use the word like we can get some
of the Malmsted to watch these games. Can you get
hornswoggle in? Yeah? I could jam anything I want to
in there. Okay, you would say anything you could, So
I'd like to just the word horn swoggle. I can
lend that word to you. It's one of my words.
Another one of my words is crowbar. You should use
crowbar a good word there. You can say that the
when the quarterback gets sacked they dropped a piano on him.
(39:13):
You could do that. That's good my catchphrases. Yeah, you
can use that one. I'll use that. So that way
I have proof in a highlight package I can. I
can pass it along. But I actually incorporated I crow
bard it into the show. Yes, you see that, look
at that. So yeah, it was. It was fun. It was.
It was one of hopefully a bigger package, but obviously
(39:34):
trying to lead this into something else here domestically, whether
their Fox or ESPN or someone always trying to get
the bigger package. You guess, on your entire life. That's
what's all about, right, I understand we're never satisfied here
in l A are we. I'm fine, Okay, I'm alright.
It's what all that like to be in a real house.
But alrighty Mallard mini mansion, I guess you can call
(39:58):
it the mini mansion. You go from the Mallard Action
to the Madonna in for for a day. Yes, I
spent a day there at the Madonna, and I think
you should you know different people, guest, com maybe somebody
out there to meet halfway, you know, a little roady
for both and just meet someone on the highway. How
about that? Well, hitchhiking is very popular. These two pe
(40:21):
love the hitchhiking, like nineteen seventies seven? Aren't there hitchhiking now?
I had planned to do a few pop quiz questions
and scientifical but we've gone rather long here, guest, and
I feel like we've done enough content for the podcast
that we were good. We don't need We can bring
that stuff back next week. How about that? We can?
We can? Would that be good? So we'll Bag, the
(40:44):
Scientifical and the Pop Quiz. We've got the mail bag
on Sundays. Sunday's Sunday, But remember cameo dot com you
want a personal video message, did one for Father's Day
last weekend which was on a cool But if anything
going on birthdays, bar mitzvah's, weddings, funerals, or you just
(41:05):
want somebody to cheer you up, cameo dot com. Ben
Mallard gascons on there as well. If you want to
send a question into a future mail bag, you can
send it care of the email page. The email page
is Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com, Real fifth
Hour at gmail dot com, and we may use your
(41:26):
question on a future edition of the mail Bag. Until then,
Aloha mahallow, shalom riva there chay bye bye. Be sure
to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays
at two a m. Eastern eleven pm Pacific. Be sure
to catch live editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays
(41:48):
at two a m. Eastern eleven pm Pacific on Fox
Sports Radio and the I Heart Radio app
Host
Ben Maller
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