April 2, 2022 • 37 mins
Ben and his 5th Hour home-slice Danny G. take you behind the scenes, with a fun conversation about garage mirage, pissing in the wind, fertilizer, headshots, podcast while in labor, and more!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Boom. If you thought four hours a day, minutes a
week was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse the clearing House of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Maller starts right now in the air. Everywheares
we are back at it on a Saturday, Saturday, Saturday,
you have stumbled upon the Fifth Hour with Ben Mallor
and Danny g Radio on a great, wonderful weekend. We
(00:46):
have begun the month of April. Actually that was yesterday.
We begin the month of April, and here we are
on a Saturday, back at it. And now that's not
that's the wrong show. That's the wrong And I realized
though Danny on the podcast, it's not like to restaurant radio.
Nobody can stumble upon us. You have to go out
(01:08):
of your way to listen to the show. You can't
just like, how would you stumble into the podcast? It
is to me, there's no way to do that. So
it's a different dynamic. Yes, yes, what a great week
it was Ben. Now, I'm not sure if you won
one for saying couci. But look, it's a lot of playing.
(01:30):
It's probably hurting your eyes because it's so shiny. But
look what I'm holding up right now. Oh my god,
look at that. That is unbelievable. Where do you get that?
Is that my first ever? Benny? Oh, congratulate and well learned,
well learned. But I I would like to start by
thanking my mom. It all started when I was two
(01:51):
years old. Yeah, you have a little passion and Mr microphone,
she dropped me on my head and the rest is history.
The rest is history. Here we are all these years later,
like why didn't I become a doctor or a lawyer?
What what am I doing here? I'm a doctor? Thank you,
(02:12):
Thank you. Mallard Militia. Yeah, they love you, Danny G. Congratulations.
You beat out the entire field, very competitive field, and
you are the King of the fill ins. That was
the title Jonas Knox had for a long time. We
don't need to bring Jonas in and then now he's
no longer a fill in, so you have now replaced
him as the king. And the Mallam Militia they love you.
(02:36):
Just it's it's just love, is what it is, clearly. Anyway.
So on this edition of the Fifth Hour, we've got
the garage mirage pissing in the wind, and we've got
fertilizer backscratcher, maybe even some pop quiz depending on time.
You know, even though it's a podcast, we've got things
to do, places to go, people to see, right, we
(02:59):
don't have all all day here. And plus if a
podcast is too long, who's gonna listen to all this?
It just nobody wants that, right, Danny exactly. Even our
family members are like, can you keep it to forty
five minutes please? Yeah, he can't go too long. And
with all the commercials, that's like two hours, right, that's
like two hours of all the commercials, just the weight
(03:20):
loss commercial alone anyway. All right, So since August of
last year, we've documented this on the podcast The Life
of Mallard, the Saturday staple in Life of Danny G.
So over the last eight months, I have been overwhelmed
with stuff. My pops passed away that the second day
(03:43):
of one, and he had his entire life's worth of
belongings that he left behind, and we all leave stuff behind.
But also my mom's they've been married for many years.
My mom passed away number years ago. My my dad,
God love him. He left everything my mom left behind
(04:04):
there and so I had everything for both my parents.
My brothers are in the other parts of the country
that I where I am in l A. There in
the Midwest and the East Coast, and so I have
been the one to try to navigate my way, trying
to figure out what's going on here with the the
wife and so not to mention Danny moving twice over
the last year. We moved from the Mallard Mansion, which
(04:28):
you were at a couple of times for the holiday party,
to the Halfway House where Bella got eaten by a
coyote and survived, got the last laugh. Then we went
to the newly decked out Mallard Mansion in the north Woods.
And so this entire time is like what to keep
with the toss away? And these are very tough decisions, Uh,
(04:51):
you know, tear the place apart. Some of these belongings.
I look at them and then Danny, they're like my,
not mine. They were my parents pride and enjoy and
it's hard to see that stuff just go to a landfill,
get a little sappy and sentimental. I realized that everything
we own will eventually end up in a landfill. I
understand that, but I was like, well, my mom used
(05:12):
to say, you know, life is for the living, Life
goes on all those things that parents say. But anyway,
it's been a bleeping nightmare every weekend since August. I
have spent part or all of my weekend going bit
by bit through this crap that I've had to dig
through and literally dig through, like up to the ceiling
(05:32):
in the garage. And we've got storage sheds and you
name it. It is a man made debacle and just
just disaster. So finally, last week was different than every
other day. My wife decided, you know what, let's work smarter,
not harder, and she hired a guy that had worked
(05:53):
at the house helping to renovate kind of fix things
up here to co and sort through the garage. Yeah,
and so this is amazing, This is the great miracle
of the garage in one day, in one day, while
I was working getting ready for the show and then
doing the show, and all that stuff, everything had been
(06:17):
taken out, done, inventory of organized stuff had been thrown away,
cleaned up, and it took about eight hours of hard labor.
But I witnessed the garage mirage wa la danny g
presto amazing. I'm still shocked by this, and that means
(06:41):
though after finally getting some work done, there's some power
issues that have to be fixed. So once an electrician,
a licensed electrician comes over to make sure the house
doesn't burn down from an electrical fire, I will be
back on my beloved treadmill that I have not had
has been buried piles of stuff on top of it.
(07:02):
So I got a treadmill a while back that was
actually before COVID and uh, and I've been able to
use the thing since August. So the garage mirage danny
G Saving the day, Saving the day. Was it weird
having somebody else touched the Mallar Museum or were you
(07:24):
kind of supervising? I was making sure the person, did
you know, get out of there with anything, But no,
it was it was fine. I mean, it's okay. A
lot of the stuff was very old, and it's one
of those things that's like out of sight, out of
mind kind of you know, you know it's there, but
if you don't see it, and now it's gone, you're like,
well you feel better about it. You're like, well, something
(07:45):
happened to it, But I don't really know what happened
to it. Maybe it just vanished in the thin air.
You have no idea, you know, maybe a magician came
in thew Dany or somebody like that. Who knows. I
have no idea. But it's all cleaned up now and
I can get my weekends back, which I used to
never have weekends. I know you right now are going
(08:05):
through that, working on the weekends with the radio and
stuff and having a duck juggle everything. And so I
I have been very very busy here doing stuff, well
very busy, but apparently not that busy because it took
it took eight hours for stuff that I've I've taken
eight months and haven't made any real progress. So go figure.
(08:26):
I hear you. We've talked about it on the podcast before.
When you have a really busy schedule, you have this
to do list that just hangs around, usually on your fridge,
and you're like, I'm gonna get to that. I'm gonna
get to that. But once you do have a day offer,
an afternoon offer, even a few hours off, you're like,
I don't want to do that, right now, that's the
(08:48):
last thing I want to do. Yeah, no, absolutely, it's like,
you know, what are we doing here? And uh, we
got it done or I didn't really have anything to
do with it. But now now it's done and we
move on and it's all wonderful and all glorious and
all that stuff. So hallelujah, hallelujah. Now you are free
(09:09):
to hang clothes back onto the treadmill, Yes, exactly, free
to hang it all back and make it all dirty.
And then when I'm ready to meet my maker and
head to the pearly gates, I will leave all all
of it behind. So it's it's really just rinse, wash, repeat, right,
the cycle of life. You know. New people come into
the the act and they do the same crap that
(09:31):
we did, and we do the same crap that our
parents did and their parents did, and I bet you
wouldn't have done anything like just a mom and dad
were here. Sometimes the technology changes, but we just passed
the baton. We just passed the baton on, right, that's
what we do here. It's amazing, what an amazing thing. Anyway,
So that was the the garage mirage. Now, so after
(09:52):
the great garage mirage of I then pivoted. We we
actually pivot it turned to the next project. Well, I
actually had nothing to do with this also. Uh so
we finally after eight months of dealing with this, and
actually longer than that, the entire year plus a couple
(10:14):
of months, it's like fourteen months. So then the wife's like, hey,
why don't we get to the next project right away?
Right right like a day later, right away, Let's get
to the next And so she said, uh, you know,
there's one bathroom that hasn't been renovated in the home
we're in here in the north Woods. And so the
(10:34):
wife says, yeah, let's do it. And so she we
had purchased like a bunch of materials for the the bathroom,
like the flooring and all that stuff like that had
been sitting in the garage, but now we had access
to it, and they've been sitting in the house and stuff. Anyway,
that was backing on, So what the heck? So a
friend of a friend, Danny, was brought in because I
(10:55):
don't know how to do any of this stuff. We
don't know, and so it brought in to do the labor,
like the hard work heavy lift, friend of the family,
a new friend of the fan, and he's got a
full time gig elsewhere, so he can only come a
few days a week. You know what this means, Danny.
It's gonna take eight months too. Yeah. Yeah, so you
(11:16):
know we're a couple of days a week. But he's
the race exactly. He can't beat the rate. The rates amazing. No,
I'm not gonna stop it. It's an amazing thing. And
so you're kind of does good work, but he's busy
to get another job, and so you can only do
a few days a week. So last Sunday we started
on Saturday. On Sunday, I wake up to watch the
(11:40):
Final Four, which was the final games of the Elite
eight to get to the Final four. So then these
were terrible games anyway. But I wake up and I
get a message. I look at my phone, which everyone
does when you wake up, you'll get your phone, and
there's a message there and it's it's it's yells at me,
do not use the toilet. Do not use the toime.
I'm like, wait, h, I'm a normal, normal person, don't.
(12:05):
Most people when they wake up, the first thing they
do is they head to the powder room. That's what
they say an HGTV they called the powder room. Right.
I mean, I'm wrong, Danny. I know I'm wrong in
that right. The first thing I do I hit the
mouth wash, okay, and then I hit the john. Yeah.
But some whether that vice versa or whatnot, you're you're
doing that in some order. I spent some time in
(12:28):
the comfort station. So this time, this day is different.
I wake up and you know, I'm like, I'm a
little groggy, you know, like what's going on here? I
know I gotta work get ready for a show at
some point here and uh, anyway, the wife's tells me, listen,
something happened, something happened here, and there's no water in
(12:49):
the house. It turns out the guy doing the demo
had accidentally in his rushed to get the tile off
the floor the demo part had hit a hidden water
line that was buried kind of in the concrete and
kind of against the wall when the house was built.
Oh no, yeah, so this a caused a big flood,
(13:14):
which was the first problem, the Great Mallard Flood, of
which then led to the water being shut off so
I couldn't use the toilets couldn't take a shower, couldn't
do any of that stuff. You don't realize how much
water you need until you don't have it. And anyway,
was like, okay, the waters a little fine. It was
called plumber was Sunday. You know how much an emergency
(13:37):
plumber charges on a Sunday. Damn right, damn right. I
don't get paid that much to do a radio show anyway.
So these these guys were charging an armadal like literally
an armald fortunate just to show up, not even to
repair was ever damaged, but just to show up. So
we made a tactical decision that we would wait until
(14:03):
the following day, on Monday, because then it would be
a more reasonable price with the same job, but they
wouldn't charge the emergency rate because it was during business
hours and all that stuff. Tell me you drove down
the street to use Burger King's bathroom, Well, I will see.
That's where the story takes a turn. So that meant
that Sunday, all day Sunday and the better part of Monday,
(14:26):
I was literally and figuratively Danny g pissing in the
north Woods. I was pissing in the wind. It's what
I was doing, which I will point out not a
problem during the day, not a problem during the day,
but at night the degree of difficulty went up tremendously.
At night, you think of the other way because nobody
(14:48):
can see, you don't have to worry about that. But
you don't know where you're stepping, and you don't know
which direction the wind's blowing. As you know, you don't
want to be down wind when you're when you're leaving
yourself there, you're pissing in the wind. And and uh, anyway,
it was. It was interesting. I did go to uh,
the local grocery store. I did some shopping, which I
(15:09):
didn't actually buy anything. I just walked in there, looked
like I was shopping. And then I made my way
Danny eventually to the little boys room there two I
number two. That's right, I'll number two, that is correct.
And I was worried about those little critters and all that.
And then the water got turned back on. The thing
(15:29):
was fixed. The plumber did a good job, but the
water pressure it was not good. Oh yeah. It turns
out that when you turn the water on, you gotta
turn it all the way on. We had only turned
it like partially on. So there's that sweet spot, Danny.
I should know my grandfather was a plumber. My my
grandfather from Springfield, mass was a plumber. And I actually
(15:52):
have some of the business signs I have around the
house that you know that's those are a million years old.
But it clearly was a recessive gene and I did
not get it. It fell back the plumbing gene. Uh.
And I thought about going on YouTube, but yeah, I
dig into concrete and stuff like that. I'm like, that's
probably above my pay grade. And I don't think there's
a YouTube video where pipe breaks, turn off the water,
(16:17):
rip up some concrete and all that. You know what
I'm saying, how much money do you think you wound
up saving by pushing it off by one day? I
would estimate what with everything done showing up just the
rate the plumber was going to charge, I would say
(16:38):
three four dollars minimum safe minimum saved more than that.
Probably those were some expensive pisces in the woods, and
I'll number two stop offs drop offs. I did find
a spot in the north Woods that was like up
against a tree where you know, it was kind of hidden.
(16:58):
So that was my sweets. But that was my my
place to relieve myself there. Right, it was wonderful and
it wasn't bad, I said. During the day it was
all right, but at night it was like, oh boy.
And it keep in mind, Danny, I'm doing the radio
show and I'm in the middle of the show and
nature calls and I gotta I gotta sprint out to
(17:21):
the north Woods to you know, nobody beats the whiz.
It was. It was interesting. It was definitely interesting. So
that was my my wonderful weekend, the life of Mallard.
And I guess I was creating fertilizer in a way
(17:42):
with some of the stuff I was doing, but not
the kind of fertilizer you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, it's funny.
I didn't know we'd be on the same theme this week.
In between classes, I had to run to the A
t M to put some cash in. You know, I
probably had a ten minute wind. Sometimes you do the
math in your head. You're like, all right, down this
(18:03):
street that will be five minutes. Run to the A
t M in front of the bank. That will take
four minutes. So I'm I'm doing the math. I'm like,
I can get to my next class in time. Sure enough,
I was late. But I get to the A T
M and I'm I'm sprinting. Okay, Whenever you're in a
hurry like that, you notice people who have no care
(18:25):
in the world. There was a guy and he was
walking so slow that it made me pause because I
got jealous. I'm like, here, I am running like I'm
old school Carl Lewis, and this dude is just walking
like he's got no care in the world whatsoever, just
(18:46):
easy going, like Sunday drive kind of stuff like. I mean,
he was moving slower than a Sunday morning. Uh, And
I'm jealous. I'm like, man, this is a busy Thursday.
This guy is on a slow crawl. I get up
to the A T M machine, put my card in.
This guy slowly moves his way next to the machine
(19:07):
that I'm at. And now these A T M s
at Bank of America. They were made way pre COVID.
You are standing close enough to the person next to
you to where if you reach your arm out you
could touch them. You can light me on fire. As
I'm standing there putting the cash in, I get a
strong whiff of fertilizer. This is not are you talking,
(19:31):
body owner? What do we what do we actually fertilizer?
What is it, you know, like actual fertilize, a pungent fertilizer. Yeah,
as if he did landscaping for you, had it on
his boots and then was tracking it around the town.
Guy was a walking fertilizer bag. It was great to
(19:54):
see Pooh, just minding my own business. I'm like trying
to to look at them. And I finished. I get
my receipt and then I run. Then I sprint to
my car so that I can go be late. Still,
as I'm driving through the parking lot, there's about three
(20:18):
or four people surrounding a vehicle and they're walking around
it looking at it curiously, almost like they're out of museum.
Parked in the city parking lot is a tractor, like
an actual like you'd see out in the in the country.
(20:38):
Now I realized. Now, I realized there might be some
folks listening. And I say folks, because if you're listening
in a state where that's normal, let me assure you
where we are in southern California, that is not something
we see at all. Like if you're in Kansas or
in Iowa or Oklahoma, like somewhere that that's probably happens everyone.
(21:02):
You are in a metropoli, you are surrounded by concrete
as far as you can see. Would that be accurate, Danny?
That would be accurate. Now on the outskirts of the
city I live in, and I'm sure there are some
large properties where a tractor would be needed. So it
got me thinking, Ben, where the hell did this dude
(21:22):
drive in from? That's a great question. That's amazing. And
obviously I don't know for sure that that was his tractor,
but I kind of put two and two together there. Wow.
And then when you got back to class, Now you
were late for class. So when you showed up, did
the crowd go wild? And said, Danny jays back, You'll
(21:45):
love this. I had been bringing my nerf football, but
it's one of those newer nerve footballs where it's got
the hard plastic outside on it, so it's heavier than
the old school nerf okay okay. So I was hitting
kids with the ball, but it was too heavy. It
was knocking some of the kindergarteners backwards, and I was like, well,
(22:07):
this is not gonna be nice on the injury reports. Um,
So I told one of the kids, I'm like I'm
gonna dig in the garage and find one of my dodgeballs,
because those are those really lightweight squishy balls. If they
hit you in the head, bounces right off and does
(22:28):
no damage to your brain, which you definitely want in
dodgeball squishy balls elsewhere you probably don't want that exactly.
I was able to find one, Ben, and I brought
it with me, so they did chair because they saw
me walking up with that dodgeball. And let me tell you,
I was head hunting blank my blank, and blank you
(22:49):
from Thursday to Friday. Once they got on that play structure,
I was beating kids in the head left and right.
I started with a trouble acers first, I got multiple kills.
Nice and and did they get your back at all?
Were they able to attack? Because if they touched the
ball then they were immediately frozen. Oh perfect. Their first
(23:16):
reaction was to reach and grab the ball to try
to throw it back, and I'm like, no, no, no,
you touch that ball, You're dead, you die in the game. Yeah,
they left it alone. I was the one doing the
the headhunting. I love to hear that dodgeball is going
on because you know there's stories A couple of years ago,
Danny the dodgeball had been out load and the Woosters
didn't want the dodgeball going on. But that's even for me.
(23:38):
I was I was terrible at dodge Bob was fat kid,
you know, he's he's a target, fat kid dodgeball. But
I have fond memories of playing dodgeball, and also some
scary ones, you know, But overall it was a good
experience and I fondly remember that. So I think it's
it's good that the kids doing because the kids, I
don't think they become like a holes with all that
(24:01):
stuff until they're a little older, right, Because he's a
little kid. These are little ones. Dressed myself five year olds.
But there was one moment in the game that I
thought I was gonna get shut down. A teacher saw
me throw it hard and I being the back of Noah,
right in the middle of her back. Now, it wouldn't
(24:22):
have been a problem, except she was running away from
me and as she got beam, she lost her footing
and she fell. She fell head first, but she used
her hands nicely to break her fall. She got up,
looked at her hands. I was like, oh, don't cry, Please,
don't cry. She looked at her hands, wiped him off,
and ran back to the play structure. Good. Yeah, And
(24:44):
I was like, because she had started bawling, that teacher
that was looking at me would have probably called me
over and was like, Yeah, I'm not sure about this
dodgeball thing you're doing here. Listen, I've just talked to
the former president. You gotta stop. It just got a
knock it off there, it's another former president. But uh yeah.
The smiles though, Ben because they saw that I was
(25:06):
giving revenge back to the troublemakers. The huge smiles on
their faces when I would being a trouble head kid
right in the grill. It was awesome. Nice, that is cool.
I remember when I was in elementary school, we had
if you were in sixth grade, you got to play
in the teacher student like They had a kickball game.
(25:29):
It was a kickball back then, and it was students
against the teachers. It was awesome. It's like all the
kids would cheer against the teachers, and the teachers took
it very seriously and wanted to win the game, right.
They were totally in it to win it. Do you
ever playing a radio softball game? Did did any radio
station work at not softball. I did a radio basketball game.
(25:52):
We did it annually. It was jocks versus jocks, get
it because they called DJ jocks. Sure yeah, but it
was against the women's Ventura College basketball team. Well that's
no good. They rubbed our faces in ship in front
of this large crowd. Of course, the crowd's there to
see the radio DJs, and this girl's basketball team just
(26:15):
straight up embarrassed us on the court. Oh yeah, of
course I take advantage of you. Well, I've never been
able to do the radio ane of the radio staties
I've worked at about it. I did play We were
supposed to play two on two basketball. I think we
actually did. It was me and this guy David Smith
I was working with, and we played against. It was
John Ireland who's now the voice of the Lakers, and
(26:37):
Derek Hall, who's the Diamondbacks president, And it was like
a two on two thing, and it was I remember
going to the park over in Burbank and practicing and
spending a lot of time in it. Yeah, it's moneyball, Mallard.
I don't have to practice that much. Wrong. It was
a big promotion we had done kind of between the
shows and all that stuff and that was that was long,
(27:00):
long ago. So we have the backscratcher, Danny g Now
this is something we started a few weeks ago. And
the way this works, you're a fan of the podcast,
You're like, how can we help out the pocket, Well,
you gotta subscribe. I heard some people last week on
social media, Danny. They were busting my balls and said,
why was the podcast It wasn't on the I Heart app.
I couldn't they couldn't find the Fifth Hour podcast because
(27:21):
these are people that would get the podcast on the
the Ben Mallor feed and it did not cross over
to the Ben Mallar feed. Is that accurate, Danny? Is
that what happened last weekend? We talked about it at
the end of a podcast last week, how our company
is switching over to a new company that I Heart
bought and that is the platform that's gonna spit out
(27:41):
all of the podcasts worldwide that the company does. And
so while they're doing the transitioning, our shows were only
on the fifth Hour feed. Okay, So that explains it
because people I was getting angry messages, They're like, what's
wrong that this whole I want to hear your show
and I can't hear you shut Did you do you lazy?
Did you take the weekend off? You're not doing the
(28:03):
podcast anymore? What happened? Why can't Danny g do it
without you? He can do it, you know all. I'm
getting all these kind of messages and I'm like, what
the what the hell? I did the shows? We did him.
We talked talk talk talk the entire weekend, show after
show after show. Yeah, we never go away. Yeah, And
and trust me, I've got a little roady coming up.
(28:26):
But we will have fifth hour podcast, correct, and we're
gonna effort that. At the end of Timeless Podcast, Danny jays, Yes,
we will clear the decks. The show must go on
the podcast. God's demand we shock again. So we will
have original audio content every weekend. Imaginable. I'm sure at
(28:47):
the end of the year will likely skip a couple,
but maybe we'll do evergreen shows then too. You never know,
you have no idea. So anyway, the backscratcher thing is
you help us out, we help you out. You scratch
our back, we'll score at your back. That's the way
it works. And so the company, the management, for some reason,
the people involved in all this think these reviews online
or a big deal. I think it's bullshit. But the
(29:09):
people in charge, Danny, they think it's very important and
they want listeners like you, actual listeners to go on
the podcast page for the Fifth Hour podcast on the
Apple podcast page. So if you type into your search
engine Apple Fifth Hour, Ben Mallor, it'll come up if
you can't find it on your own. And so this
(29:31):
week we have some more reviews. So good news is
more people that have sent it sent in messages. We
did not mention these in the past. Uh last show anyway.
The first one comes from Sassy Jojo, who writes in
and says, hey, bet I've been listening to Mr Mallard
for years. Being retired. Sassy Jojo says, I listened to
(29:53):
his radio podcast and The Fifth Hour because I can't
stay up that late. Well, thank you god us. He
has great takes but is not always right. Well, you
didn't have to throw that in you, Sassy JoJo's bat
drop by you. Did he give you two stars? Uh?
Five stars? He said? He says, when he is wrong,
(30:14):
you'll never hear of it again. But if he was right,
you'll never hear the end of it. Wow, it's very accurate.
I learned that from Danny g. That's what I learned
that from. Very entertaining and blends in humor and facts
and strong opinions. Very bad at his games, No, that's wrong,
(30:36):
not bad at the game shows at all. That's proof
of how bad you are with your mallard maneuvers packaging. No,
not bad at all, uh, he says Edwin Garcia rules
the game shows good thing the fifth hour doesn't have
them give them a listen at sixty minutes of entertainment.
So a big salute from Sassy Jojo. So thank you,
(30:59):
said see Joe Joe for supporting the podcast even though
you're completely wrong off the cliff. No, not fair at all.
Good not a bad job by yo. Okay, that's a
bad job by you. I'm sorry, but thanks for ever you.
(31:20):
J Cole writes. And I think I might know who
this Jake Cole is, but maybe not, says I listened
to a lot of podcast This pod was the best.
See he did that on purpose, Nanny guys an asshole,
because what he did is he knows that triggers me
because the legal definition of the term best is as
good as all the rest in that particular category. So
(31:43):
he he knows that by saying this podcast is the best,
he's merely it's like a left handed compliment. He's like, well, yeah,
that's as good as all the other podcasts. Yeah, he
might as well have said that our podcast has a
lot of momentum right now. Oh see, that's a that's
another you know, we need to build a better mouse trap.
We need to build a better, not best, better podcast,
(32:06):
he says, clearly ahead of its time. I'm in the
business and it's my number one choice. Very entertaining. That's
an endorsement right there, all right. Next up on the
back scratch Scratch, Jonathan writes in and he says, the
following good bonus podcast, the regular podcast, the Benn Mallaw
(32:32):
Show for weeknights on Fox Boos Radio. It's great, but
this is a bit different and a nice change of
pace about that. I agree. It's not only is it
a Chris Rock free zone this weekend, um, but you
know when I tell people about the podcasts that are
new to it, they tune in thinking you and I
(32:54):
are going to talk the same old sports takes that
they heard all week long. And that's not what we
do on the podcast. No, No, not at all. We're
just a couple of guys talking living our lives the
best that we can see, the best that means as
good as everyone else. You see right there, that's an
example of what I was talking about. Anyway, Jonathan. Jonathan's
post continues. He said, we had momentum going there until
(33:15):
you put it up. Change of pace. He says, very good,
Hi Jinks, featuring a charismatic co host Danny j. Love
it from Jonathan. Thank you, Jonathan. All right, last one
we'll get out on this is from Adrian in the
Mile High City. He says, tell a friend, Tell a friend,
(33:37):
Tell a friend. Benn and Danny g make me laugh
every podcast. The Saturday Life and Times of Mallard is
my favorite episode of the weekend. God bless you Adrian
in the Mile High City. You are a mensch. We
appreciate all you guys, so thank you for the messages.
(33:57):
And if you'd like to add to this and we
will read your message on there, good, bad or ugly, well,
goof on you if you say something nasty, but we
need five star reviews. That helps us out a lot,
keeps the podcast going, makes management happy. It's really just
about pacifying our bosses at this point, Danny, isn't really
that what this is about. Yes, See, what it does
is Apple takes all of these reviews and then they
(34:19):
give you the average. So the bosses love to click
on a podcast and see, oh my god, these guys
are great four point nine. They have a four point nine.
That's why, if you want to be truthful, give Ben
two stars. Two stars. Flow your road, knock it off
(34:40):
out there. It is nice, though, to hear the behind
the scene stories, because then you're like in this exclusive club.
If you were ever to call Ben on his live
radio show, you could make mention to Ben pooping inside
a grocery store. Yes, yes, and also during the middle
of a show being brought cast on almost five hundred
(35:01):
radio stations, going out to piss in the woods. Yes,
that that happened. I didn't tell that story on there.
I did not reveal any of that. Now. I did
stop drinking water, hoping that would slow down my need
to urinate, and it didn't really slow down that much.
I had had so much water prior, so, I had
(35:22):
had so much to drink that it didn't really matter. No,
great job, you save yourself with the plumber. But you
give yourself kidney stones. Yes. Other than that, you know,
you win something, you lose something. Life's a game of
give and take, Danny. It's a game of give and take.
And we'll put the baby to bed unless you want to.
You know, we're short on time, so I don't think
we need to get into the pop quiz. Will save
(35:44):
that for another time. We have a big mailbag and
dance remix of the mail bag. We look forward to
that every week. The wise, the ware force, the whole
thing will mow that down, mow that long down on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.
So and Any didn't promote anything, any gigs coming up,
and he saw no gigs to promote. But really quick,
(36:05):
my friend Jay in Nashville had a baby last weekend
and as they were listening to the podcast, he and
his wife, he had it on his phone as she
was giving birth a girl, now their second girl, Mary Jane.
On his daughter's birthday, they had another girl and they
(36:25):
named her Tennessee. Oh that's that's cool, very cool. Yeah,
so both girls have the same birthday. Wow, yeah right,
And I told him one of the odds I used
the conception the conception happened the same time. Apparently the
same kind of pattern there. First thing I told him,
his man, you're gonna save a lot of money on
(36:46):
birthday parties. Oh, those little girls when they become older
are gonna hate that, aren't they? I mean they might
like it when they like Yeah, I mean they're they're
gonna have a combined birthday party for their entire life.
But I guess if their parents do it big, they
won't eather them right. And how many years apart are they?
A couple of years apart, one year apart, only one
year apart? Yeah, so j C and his wife were
(37:09):
getting busy Burger King's bathroom. Congratulations j C A locking
out the family all in a couple of years. Congratulations.
Any We have a great rest your Saturday. We will
be back in the magic podcast Machine on Sunday. Will
catch you then see you bofulation
Boom. If you thought four hours a day, minutes a
week was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse the clearing House of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Maller starts right now in the air. Everywheares
we are back at it on a Saturday, Saturday, Saturday,
you have stumbled upon the Fifth Hour with Ben Mallor
and Danny g Radio on a great, wonderful weekend. We
(00:46):
have begun the month of April. Actually that was yesterday.
We begin the month of April, and here we are
on a Saturday, back at it. And now that's not
that's the wrong show. That's the wrong And I realized
though Danny on the podcast, it's not like to restaurant radio.
Nobody can stumble upon us. You have to go out
(01:08):
of your way to listen to the show. You can't
just like, how would you stumble into the podcast? It
is to me, there's no way to do that. So
it's a different dynamic. Yes, yes, what a great week
it was Ben. Now, I'm not sure if you won
one for saying couci. But look, it's a lot of playing.
(01:30):
It's probably hurting your eyes because it's so shiny. But
look what I'm holding up right now. Oh my god,
look at that. That is unbelievable. Where do you get that?
Is that my first ever? Benny? Oh, congratulate and well learned,
well learned. But I I would like to start by
thanking my mom. It all started when I was two
(01:51):
years old. Yeah, you have a little passion and Mr microphone,
she dropped me on my head and the rest is history.
The rest is history. Here we are all these years later,
like why didn't I become a doctor or a lawyer?
What what am I doing here? I'm a doctor? Thank you,
(02:12):
Thank you. Mallard Militia. Yeah, they love you, Danny G. Congratulations.
You beat out the entire field, very competitive field, and
you are the King of the fill ins. That was
the title Jonas Knox had for a long time. We
don't need to bring Jonas in and then now he's
no longer a fill in, so you have now replaced
him as the king. And the Mallam Militia they love you.
(02:36):
Just it's it's just love, is what it is, clearly. Anyway.
So on this edition of the Fifth Hour, we've got
the garage mirage pissing in the wind, and we've got
fertilizer backscratcher, maybe even some pop quiz depending on time.
You know, even though it's a podcast, we've got things
to do, places to go, people to see, right, we
(02:59):
don't have all all day here. And plus if a
podcast is too long, who's gonna listen to all this?
It just nobody wants that, right, Danny exactly. Even our
family members are like, can you keep it to forty
five minutes please? Yeah, he can't go too long. And
with all the commercials, that's like two hours, right, that's
like two hours of all the commercials, just the weight
(03:20):
loss commercial alone anyway. All right, So since August of
last year, we've documented this on the podcast The Life
of Mallard, the Saturday staple in Life of Danny G.
So over the last eight months, I have been overwhelmed
with stuff. My pops passed away that the second day
(03:43):
of one, and he had his entire life's worth of
belongings that he left behind, and we all leave stuff behind.
But also my mom's they've been married for many years.
My mom passed away number years ago. My my dad,
God love him. He left everything my mom left behind
(04:04):
there and so I had everything for both my parents.
My brothers are in the other parts of the country
that I where I am in l A. There in
the Midwest and the East Coast, and so I have
been the one to try to navigate my way, trying
to figure out what's going on here with the the
wife and so not to mention Danny moving twice over
the last year. We moved from the Mallard Mansion, which
(04:28):
you were at a couple of times for the holiday party,
to the Halfway House where Bella got eaten by a
coyote and survived, got the last laugh. Then we went
to the newly decked out Mallard Mansion in the north Woods.
And so this entire time is like what to keep
with the toss away? And these are very tough decisions, Uh,
(04:51):
you know, tear the place apart. Some of these belongings.
I look at them and then Danny, they're like my,
not mine. They were my parents pride and enjoy and
it's hard to see that stuff just go to a landfill,
get a little sappy and sentimental. I realized that everything
we own will eventually end up in a landfill. I
understand that, but I was like, well, my mom used
(05:12):
to say, you know, life is for the living, Life
goes on all those things that parents say. But anyway,
it's been a bleeping nightmare every weekend since August. I
have spent part or all of my weekend going bit
by bit through this crap that I've had to dig
through and literally dig through, like up to the ceiling
(05:32):
in the garage. And we've got storage sheds and you
name it. It is a man made debacle and just
just disaster. So finally, last week was different than every
other day. My wife decided, you know what, let's work smarter,
not harder, and she hired a guy that had worked
(05:53):
at the house helping to renovate kind of fix things
up here to co and sort through the garage. Yeah,
and so this is amazing, This is the great miracle
of the garage in one day, in one day, while
I was working getting ready for the show and then
doing the show, and all that stuff, everything had been
(06:17):
taken out, done, inventory of organized stuff had been thrown away,
cleaned up, and it took about eight hours of hard labor.
But I witnessed the garage mirage wa la danny g
presto amazing. I'm still shocked by this, and that means
(06:41):
though after finally getting some work done, there's some power
issues that have to be fixed. So once an electrician,
a licensed electrician comes over to make sure the house
doesn't burn down from an electrical fire, I will be
back on my beloved treadmill that I have not had
has been buried piles of stuff on top of it.
(07:02):
So I got a treadmill a while back that was
actually before COVID and uh, and I've been able to
use the thing since August. So the garage mirage danny
G Saving the day, Saving the day. Was it weird
having somebody else touched the Mallar Museum or were you
(07:24):
kind of supervising? I was making sure the person, did
you know, get out of there with anything, But no,
it was it was fine. I mean, it's okay. A
lot of the stuff was very old, and it's one
of those things that's like out of sight, out of
mind kind of you know, you know it's there, but
if you don't see it, and now it's gone, you're like,
well you feel better about it. You're like, well, something
(07:45):
happened to it, But I don't really know what happened
to it. Maybe it just vanished in the thin air.
You have no idea, you know, maybe a magician came
in thew Dany or somebody like that. Who knows. I
have no idea. But it's all cleaned up now and
I can get my weekends back, which I used to
never have weekends. I know you right now are going
(08:05):
through that, working on the weekends with the radio and
stuff and having a duck juggle everything. And so I
I have been very very busy here doing stuff, well
very busy, but apparently not that busy because it took
it took eight hours for stuff that I've I've taken
eight months and haven't made any real progress. So go figure.
(08:26):
I hear you. We've talked about it on the podcast before.
When you have a really busy schedule, you have this
to do list that just hangs around, usually on your fridge,
and you're like, I'm gonna get to that. I'm gonna
get to that. But once you do have a day offer,
an afternoon offer, even a few hours off, you're like,
I don't want to do that, right now, that's the
(08:48):
last thing I want to do. Yeah, no, absolutely, it's like,
you know, what are we doing here? And uh, we
got it done or I didn't really have anything to
do with it. But now now it's done and we
move on and it's all wonderful and all glorious and
all that stuff. So hallelujah, hallelujah. Now you are free
(09:09):
to hang clothes back onto the treadmill, Yes, exactly, free
to hang it all back and make it all dirty.
And then when I'm ready to meet my maker and
head to the pearly gates, I will leave all all
of it behind. So it's it's really just rinse, wash, repeat, right,
the cycle of life. You know. New people come into
the the act and they do the same crap that
(09:31):
we did, and we do the same crap that our
parents did and their parents did, and I bet you
wouldn't have done anything like just a mom and dad
were here. Sometimes the technology changes, but we just passed
the baton. We just passed the baton on, right, that's
what we do here. It's amazing, what an amazing thing. Anyway,
So that was the the garage mirage. Now, so after
(09:52):
the great garage mirage of I then pivoted. We we
actually pivot it turned to the next project. Well, I
actually had nothing to do with this also. Uh so
we finally after eight months of dealing with this, and
actually longer than that, the entire year plus a couple
(10:14):
of months, it's like fourteen months. So then the wife's like, hey,
why don't we get to the next project right away?
Right right like a day later, right away, Let's get
to the next And so she said, uh, you know,
there's one bathroom that hasn't been renovated in the home
we're in here in the north Woods. And so the
(10:34):
wife says, yeah, let's do it. And so she we
had purchased like a bunch of materials for the the bathroom,
like the flooring and all that stuff like that had
been sitting in the garage, but now we had access
to it, and they've been sitting in the house and stuff. Anyway,
that was backing on, So what the heck? So a
friend of a friend, Danny, was brought in because I
(10:55):
don't know how to do any of this stuff. We
don't know, and so it brought in to do the labor,
like the hard work heavy lift, friend of the family,
a new friend of the fan, and he's got a
full time gig elsewhere, so he can only come a
few days a week. You know what this means, Danny.
It's gonna take eight months too. Yeah. Yeah, so you
(11:16):
know we're a couple of days a week. But he's
the race exactly. He can't beat the rate. The rates amazing. No,
I'm not gonna stop it. It's an amazing thing. And
so you're kind of does good work, but he's busy
to get another job, and so you can only do
a few days a week. So last Sunday we started
on Saturday. On Sunday, I wake up to watch the
(11:40):
Final Four, which was the final games of the Elite
eight to get to the Final four. So then these
were terrible games anyway. But I wake up and I
get a message. I look at my phone, which everyone
does when you wake up, you'll get your phone, and
there's a message there and it's it's it's yells at me,
do not use the toilet. Do not use the toime.
I'm like, wait, h, I'm a normal, normal person, don't.
(12:05):
Most people when they wake up, the first thing they
do is they head to the powder room. That's what
they say an HGTV they called the powder room. Right.
I mean, I'm wrong, Danny. I know I'm wrong in
that right. The first thing I do I hit the
mouth wash, okay, and then I hit the john. Yeah.
But some whether that vice versa or whatnot, you're you're
doing that in some order. I spent some time in
(12:28):
the comfort station. So this time, this day is different.
I wake up and you know, I'm like, I'm a
little groggy, you know, like what's going on here? I
know I gotta work get ready for a show at
some point here and uh, anyway, the wife's tells me, listen,
something happened, something happened here, and there's no water in
(12:49):
the house. It turns out the guy doing the demo
had accidentally in his rushed to get the tile off
the floor the demo part had hit a hidden water
line that was buried kind of in the concrete and
kind of against the wall when the house was built.
Oh no, yeah, so this a caused a big flood,
(13:14):
which was the first problem, the Great Mallard Flood, of
which then led to the water being shut off so
I couldn't use the toilets couldn't take a shower, couldn't
do any of that stuff. You don't realize how much
water you need until you don't have it. And anyway,
was like, okay, the waters a little fine. It was
called plumber was Sunday. You know how much an emergency
(13:37):
plumber charges on a Sunday. Damn right, damn right. I
don't get paid that much to do a radio show anyway.
So these these guys were charging an armadal like literally
an armald fortunate just to show up, not even to
repair was ever damaged, but just to show up. So
we made a tactical decision that we would wait until
(14:03):
the following day, on Monday, because then it would be
a more reasonable price with the same job, but they
wouldn't charge the emergency rate because it was during business
hours and all that stuff. Tell me you drove down
the street to use Burger King's bathroom, Well, I will see.
That's where the story takes a turn. So that meant
that Sunday, all day Sunday and the better part of Monday,
(14:26):
I was literally and figuratively Danny g pissing in the
north Woods. I was pissing in the wind. It's what
I was doing, which I will point out not a
problem during the day, not a problem during the day,
but at night the degree of difficulty went up tremendously.
At night, you think of the other way because nobody
(14:48):
can see, you don't have to worry about that. But
you don't know where you're stepping, and you don't know
which direction the wind's blowing. As you know, you don't
want to be down wind when you're when you're leaving
yourself there, you're pissing in the wind. And and uh, anyway,
it was. It was interesting. I did go to uh,
the local grocery store. I did some shopping, which I
(15:09):
didn't actually buy anything. I just walked in there, looked
like I was shopping. And then I made my way
Danny eventually to the little boys room there two I
number two. That's right, I'll number two, that is correct.
And I was worried about those little critters and all that.
And then the water got turned back on. The thing
(15:29):
was fixed. The plumber did a good job, but the
water pressure it was not good. Oh yeah. It turns
out that when you turn the water on, you gotta
turn it all the way on. We had only turned
it like partially on. So there's that sweet spot, Danny.
I should know my grandfather was a plumber. My my
grandfather from Springfield, mass was a plumber. And I actually
(15:52):
have some of the business signs I have around the
house that you know that's those are a million years old.
But it clearly was a recessive gene and I did
not get it. It fell back the plumbing gene. Uh.
And I thought about going on YouTube, but yeah, I
dig into concrete and stuff like that. I'm like, that's
probably above my pay grade. And I don't think there's
a YouTube video where pipe breaks, turn off the water,
(16:17):
rip up some concrete and all that. You know what
I'm saying, how much money do you think you wound
up saving by pushing it off by one day? I
would estimate what with everything done showing up just the
rate the plumber was going to charge, I would say
(16:38):
three four dollars minimum safe minimum saved more than that.
Probably those were some expensive pisces in the woods, and
I'll number two stop offs drop offs. I did find
a spot in the north Woods that was like up
against a tree where you know, it was kind of hidden.
(16:58):
So that was my sweets. But that was my my
place to relieve myself there. Right, it was wonderful and
it wasn't bad, I said. During the day it was
all right, but at night it was like, oh boy.
And it keep in mind, Danny, I'm doing the radio
show and I'm in the middle of the show and
nature calls and I gotta I gotta sprint out to
(17:21):
the north Woods to you know, nobody beats the whiz.
It was. It was interesting. It was definitely interesting. So
that was my my wonderful weekend, the life of Mallard.
And I guess I was creating fertilizer in a way
(17:42):
with some of the stuff I was doing, but not
the kind of fertilizer you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, it's funny.
I didn't know we'd be on the same theme this week.
In between classes, I had to run to the A
t M to put some cash in. You know, I
probably had a ten minute wind. Sometimes you do the
math in your head. You're like, all right, down this
(18:03):
street that will be five minutes. Run to the A
t M in front of the bank. That will take
four minutes. So I'm I'm doing the math. I'm like,
I can get to my next class in time. Sure enough,
I was late. But I get to the A T
M and I'm I'm sprinting. Okay, Whenever you're in a
hurry like that, you notice people who have no care
(18:25):
in the world. There was a guy and he was
walking so slow that it made me pause because I
got jealous. I'm like, here, I am running like I'm
old school Carl Lewis, and this dude is just walking
like he's got no care in the world whatsoever, just
(18:46):
easy going, like Sunday drive kind of stuff like. I mean,
he was moving slower than a Sunday morning. Uh, And
I'm jealous. I'm like, man, this is a busy Thursday.
This guy is on a slow crawl. I get up
to the A T M machine, put my card in.
This guy slowly moves his way next to the machine
(19:07):
that I'm at. And now these A T M s
at Bank of America. They were made way pre COVID.
You are standing close enough to the person next to
you to where if you reach your arm out you
could touch them. You can light me on fire. As
I'm standing there putting the cash in, I get a
strong whiff of fertilizer. This is not are you talking,
(19:31):
body owner? What do we what do we actually fertilizer?
What is it, you know, like actual fertilize, a pungent fertilizer. Yeah,
as if he did landscaping for you, had it on
his boots and then was tracking it around the town.
Guy was a walking fertilizer bag. It was great to
(19:54):
see Pooh, just minding my own business. I'm like trying
to to look at them. And I finished. I get
my receipt and then I run. Then I sprint to
my car so that I can go be late. Still,
as I'm driving through the parking lot, there's about three
(20:18):
or four people surrounding a vehicle and they're walking around
it looking at it curiously, almost like they're out of museum.
Parked in the city parking lot is a tractor, like
an actual like you'd see out in the in the country.
(20:38):
Now I realized. Now, I realized there might be some
folks listening. And I say folks, because if you're listening
in a state where that's normal, let me assure you
where we are in southern California, that is not something
we see at all. Like if you're in Kansas or
in Iowa or Oklahoma, like somewhere that that's probably happens everyone.
(21:02):
You are in a metropoli, you are surrounded by concrete
as far as you can see. Would that be accurate, Danny?
That would be accurate. Now on the outskirts of the
city I live in, and I'm sure there are some
large properties where a tractor would be needed. So it
got me thinking, Ben, where the hell did this dude
(21:22):
drive in from? That's a great question. That's amazing. And
obviously I don't know for sure that that was his tractor,
but I kind of put two and two together there. Wow.
And then when you got back to class, Now you
were late for class. So when you showed up, did
the crowd go wild? And said, Danny jays back, You'll
(21:45):
love this. I had been bringing my nerf football, but
it's one of those newer nerve footballs where it's got
the hard plastic outside on it, so it's heavier than
the old school nerf okay okay. So I was hitting
kids with the ball, but it was too heavy. It
was knocking some of the kindergarteners backwards, and I was like, well,
(22:07):
this is not gonna be nice on the injury reports. Um,
So I told one of the kids, I'm like I'm
gonna dig in the garage and find one of my dodgeballs,
because those are those really lightweight squishy balls. If they
hit you in the head, bounces right off and does
(22:28):
no damage to your brain, which you definitely want in
dodgeball squishy balls elsewhere you probably don't want that exactly.
I was able to find one, Ben, and I brought
it with me, so they did chair because they saw
me walking up with that dodgeball. And let me tell you,
I was head hunting blank my blank, and blank you
(22:49):
from Thursday to Friday. Once they got on that play structure,
I was beating kids in the head left and right.
I started with a trouble acers first, I got multiple kills.
Nice and and did they get your back at all?
Were they able to attack? Because if they touched the
ball then they were immediately frozen. Oh perfect. Their first
(23:16):
reaction was to reach and grab the ball to try
to throw it back, and I'm like, no, no, no,
you touch that ball, You're dead, you die in the game. Yeah,
they left it alone. I was the one doing the
the headhunting. I love to hear that dodgeball is going
on because you know there's stories A couple of years ago,
Danny the dodgeball had been out load and the Woosters
didn't want the dodgeball going on. But that's even for me.
(23:38):
I was I was terrible at dodge Bob was fat kid,
you know, he's he's a target, fat kid dodgeball. But
I have fond memories of playing dodgeball, and also some
scary ones, you know, But overall it was a good
experience and I fondly remember that. So I think it's
it's good that the kids doing because the kids, I
don't think they become like a holes with all that
(24:01):
stuff until they're a little older, right, Because he's a
little kid. These are little ones. Dressed myself five year olds.
But there was one moment in the game that I
thought I was gonna get shut down. A teacher saw
me throw it hard and I being the back of Noah,
right in the middle of her back. Now, it wouldn't
(24:22):
have been a problem, except she was running away from
me and as she got beam, she lost her footing
and she fell. She fell head first, but she used
her hands nicely to break her fall. She got up,
looked at her hands. I was like, oh, don't cry, Please,
don't cry. She looked at her hands, wiped him off,
and ran back to the play structure. Good. Yeah, And
(24:44):
I was like, because she had started bawling, that teacher
that was looking at me would have probably called me
over and was like, Yeah, I'm not sure about this
dodgeball thing you're doing here. Listen, I've just talked to
the former president. You gotta stop. It just got a
knock it off there, it's another former president. But uh yeah.
The smiles though, Ben because they saw that I was
(25:06):
giving revenge back to the troublemakers. The huge smiles on
their faces when I would being a trouble head kid
right in the grill. It was awesome. Nice, that is cool.
I remember when I was in elementary school, we had
if you were in sixth grade, you got to play
in the teacher student like They had a kickball game.
(25:29):
It was a kickball back then, and it was students
against the teachers. It was awesome. It's like all the
kids would cheer against the teachers, and the teachers took
it very seriously and wanted to win the game, right.
They were totally in it to win it. Do you
ever playing a radio softball game? Did did any radio
station work at not softball. I did a radio basketball game.
(25:52):
We did it annually. It was jocks versus jocks, get
it because they called DJ jocks. Sure yeah, but it
was against the women's Ventura College basketball team. Well that's
no good. They rubbed our faces in ship in front
of this large crowd. Of course, the crowd's there to
see the radio DJs, and this girl's basketball team just
(26:15):
straight up embarrassed us on the court. Oh yeah, of
course I take advantage of you. Well, I've never been
able to do the radio ane of the radio staties
I've worked at about it. I did play We were
supposed to play two on two basketball. I think we
actually did. It was me and this guy David Smith
I was working with, and we played against. It was
John Ireland who's now the voice of the Lakers, and
(26:37):
Derek Hall, who's the Diamondbacks president, And it was like
a two on two thing, and it was I remember
going to the park over in Burbank and practicing and
spending a lot of time in it. Yeah, it's moneyball, Mallard.
I don't have to practice that much. Wrong. It was
a big promotion we had done kind of between the
shows and all that stuff and that was that was long,
(27:00):
long ago. So we have the backscratcher, Danny g Now
this is something we started a few weeks ago. And
the way this works, you're a fan of the podcast,
You're like, how can we help out the pocket, Well,
you gotta subscribe. I heard some people last week on
social media, Danny. They were busting my balls and said,
why was the podcast It wasn't on the I Heart app.
I couldn't they couldn't find the Fifth Hour podcast because
(27:21):
these are people that would get the podcast on the
the Ben Mallor feed and it did not cross over
to the Ben Mallar feed. Is that accurate, Danny? Is
that what happened last weekend? We talked about it at
the end of a podcast last week, how our company
is switching over to a new company that I Heart
bought and that is the platform that's gonna spit out
(27:41):
all of the podcasts worldwide that the company does. And
so while they're doing the transitioning, our shows were only
on the fifth Hour feed. Okay, So that explains it
because people I was getting angry messages, They're like, what's
wrong that this whole I want to hear your show
and I can't hear you shut Did you do you lazy?
Did you take the weekend off? You're not doing the
(28:03):
podcast anymore? What happened? Why can't Danny g do it
without you? He can do it, you know all. I'm
getting all these kind of messages and I'm like, what
the what the hell? I did the shows? We did him.
We talked talk talk talk the entire weekend, show after
show after show. Yeah, we never go away. Yeah, And
and trust me, I've got a little roady coming up.
(28:26):
But we will have fifth hour podcast, correct, and we're
gonna effort that. At the end of Timeless Podcast, Danny jays, Yes,
we will clear the decks. The show must go on
the podcast. God's demand we shock again. So we will
have original audio content every weekend. Imaginable. I'm sure at
(28:47):
the end of the year will likely skip a couple,
but maybe we'll do evergreen shows then too. You never know,
you have no idea. So anyway, the backscratcher thing is
you help us out, we help you out. You scratch
our back, we'll score at your back. That's the way
it works. And so the company, the management, for some reason,
the people involved in all this think these reviews online
or a big deal. I think it's bullshit. But the
(29:09):
people in charge, Danny, they think it's very important and
they want listeners like you, actual listeners to go on
the podcast page for the Fifth Hour podcast on the
Apple podcast page. So if you type into your search
engine Apple Fifth Hour, Ben Mallor, it'll come up if
you can't find it on your own. And so this
(29:31):
week we have some more reviews. So good news is
more people that have sent it sent in messages. We
did not mention these in the past. Uh last show anyway.
The first one comes from Sassy Jojo, who writes in
and says, hey, bet I've been listening to Mr Mallard
for years. Being retired. Sassy Jojo says, I listened to
(29:53):
his radio podcast and The Fifth Hour because I can't
stay up that late. Well, thank you god us. He
has great takes but is not always right. Well, you
didn't have to throw that in you, Sassy JoJo's bat
drop by you. Did he give you two stars? Uh?
Five stars? He said? He says, when he is wrong,
(30:14):
you'll never hear of it again. But if he was right,
you'll never hear the end of it. Wow, it's very accurate.
I learned that from Danny g. That's what I learned
that from. Very entertaining and blends in humor and facts
and strong opinions. Very bad at his games, No, that's wrong,
(30:36):
not bad at the game shows at all. That's proof
of how bad you are with your mallard maneuvers packaging. No,
not bad at all, uh, he says Edwin Garcia rules
the game shows good thing the fifth hour doesn't have
them give them a listen at sixty minutes of entertainment.
So a big salute from Sassy Jojo. So thank you,
(30:59):
said see Joe Joe for supporting the podcast even though
you're completely wrong off the cliff. No, not fair at all.
Good not a bad job by yo. Okay, that's a
bad job by you. I'm sorry, but thanks for ever you.
(31:20):
J Cole writes. And I think I might know who
this Jake Cole is, but maybe not, says I listened
to a lot of podcast This pod was the best.
See he did that on purpose, Nanny guys an asshole,
because what he did is he knows that triggers me
because the legal definition of the term best is as
good as all the rest in that particular category. So
(31:43):
he he knows that by saying this podcast is the best,
he's merely it's like a left handed compliment. He's like, well, yeah,
that's as good as all the other podcasts. Yeah, he
might as well have said that our podcast has a
lot of momentum right now. Oh see, that's a that's
another you know, we need to build a better mouse trap.
We need to build a better, not best, better podcast,
(32:06):
he says, clearly ahead of its time. I'm in the
business and it's my number one choice. Very entertaining. That's
an endorsement right there, all right. Next up on the
back scratch Scratch, Jonathan writes in and he says, the
following good bonus podcast, the regular podcast, the Benn Mallaw
(32:32):
Show for weeknights on Fox Boos Radio. It's great, but
this is a bit different and a nice change of
pace about that. I agree. It's not only is it
a Chris Rock free zone this weekend, um, but you
know when I tell people about the podcasts that are
new to it, they tune in thinking you and I
(32:54):
are going to talk the same old sports takes that
they heard all week long. And that's not what we
do on the podcast. No, No, not at all. We're
just a couple of guys talking living our lives the
best that we can see, the best that means as
good as everyone else. You see right there, that's an
example of what I was talking about. Anyway, Jonathan. Jonathan's
post continues. He said, we had momentum going there until
(33:15):
you put it up. Change of pace. He says, very good,
Hi Jinks, featuring a charismatic co host Danny j. Love
it from Jonathan. Thank you, Jonathan. All right, last one
we'll get out on this is from Adrian in the
Mile High City. He says, tell a friend, Tell a friend,
(33:37):
Tell a friend. Benn and Danny g make me laugh
every podcast. The Saturday Life and Times of Mallard is
my favorite episode of the weekend. God bless you Adrian
in the Mile High City. You are a mensch. We
appreciate all you guys, so thank you for the messages.
(33:57):
And if you'd like to add to this and we
will read your message on there, good, bad or ugly, well,
goof on you if you say something nasty, but we
need five star reviews. That helps us out a lot,
keeps the podcast going, makes management happy. It's really just
about pacifying our bosses at this point, Danny, isn't really
that what this is about. Yes, See, what it does
is Apple takes all of these reviews and then they
(34:19):
give you the average. So the bosses love to click
on a podcast and see, oh my god, these guys
are great four point nine. They have a four point nine.
That's why, if you want to be truthful, give Ben
two stars. Two stars. Flow your road, knock it off
(34:40):
out there. It is nice, though, to hear the behind
the scene stories, because then you're like in this exclusive club.
If you were ever to call Ben on his live
radio show, you could make mention to Ben pooping inside
a grocery store. Yes, yes, and also during the middle
of a show being brought cast on almost five hundred
(35:01):
radio stations, going out to piss in the woods. Yes,
that that happened. I didn't tell that story on there.
I did not reveal any of that. Now. I did
stop drinking water, hoping that would slow down my need
to urinate, and it didn't really slow down that much.
I had had so much water prior, so, I had
(35:22):
had so much to drink that it didn't really matter. No,
great job, you save yourself with the plumber. But you
give yourself kidney stones. Yes. Other than that, you know,
you win something, you lose something. Life's a game of
give and take, Danny. It's a game of give and take.
And we'll put the baby to bed unless you want to.
You know, we're short on time, so I don't think
we need to get into the pop quiz. Will save
(35:44):
that for another time. We have a big mailbag and
dance remix of the mail bag. We look forward to
that every week. The wise, the ware force, the whole
thing will mow that down, mow that long down on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.
So and Any didn't promote anything, any gigs coming up,
and he saw no gigs to promote. But really quick,
(36:05):
my friend Jay in Nashville had a baby last weekend
and as they were listening to the podcast, he and
his wife, he had it on his phone as she
was giving birth a girl, now their second girl, Mary Jane.
On his daughter's birthday, they had another girl and they
(36:25):
named her Tennessee. Oh that's that's cool, very cool. Yeah,
so both girls have the same birthday. Wow, yeah right,
And I told him one of the odds I used
the conception the conception happened the same time. Apparently the
same kind of pattern there. First thing I told him,
his man, you're gonna save a lot of money on
(36:46):
birthday parties. Oh, those little girls when they become older
are gonna hate that, aren't they? I mean they might
like it when they like Yeah, I mean they're they're
gonna have a combined birthday party for their entire life.
But I guess if their parents do it big, they
won't eather them right. And how many years apart are they?
A couple of years apart, one year apart, only one
year apart? Yeah, so j C and his wife were
(37:09):
getting busy Burger King's bathroom. Congratulations j C A locking
out the family all in a couple of years. Congratulations.
Any We have a great rest your Saturday. We will
be back in the magic podcast Machine on Sunday. Will
catch you then see you bofulation
Host
Ben Maller
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