A Listener's Advice to His Son—Be More Sociable

On this episode of Our American Stories, Kent Nerburn, author of Letters to My Son: A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Life, and Love, shares how one friend changed his life forever by simply telling him to be more sociable.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
This is Lee Habib and this is our American Stories.
And we tell stories about everything here on this show,
from the arts to sports, and from business to history
and everything in between, including your story. Send them to
our American Stories dot com. That's our American Stories dot com.
And our next story comes from our regular contributor, Kent Nurburne.

Speaker 2 (00:30):
Kent is the.

Speaker 1 (00:31):
Author of Letters to My Son of Father's Wisdom on Manhood,
Life and Love, which is a compilation of letters written
to his own son, should Kent not live to see
him into manhood. Today, Kent shares with us another one
of his lessons. It's called Craig's Lesson.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
Most young people I know, and many who are older,
live in a quiet crisis of identity about their place
in the world. Some, especially young women, spend their lives
submerging their interests into the interests of others until they
are not sure whether they have any identity at all others.
Very often young men try desperately to impress others by

(01:21):
parading their accomplishments and sense of self importance in an
attempt to make themselves seem somehow whole and finished. Still,
others of both sexes spend their time passing a brittle
judgment on others they perceive as different or lesser than
they are, in an attempt to establish their own identity
at the expense of others. At the heart of each

(01:42):
is the fear that someone else might pass judgment on
who they are, and that they will be unmasked or
found out for the uncertainty that is at their core.
When I was younger, I was as played with this

(02:04):
fear as anyone else. Often I would dare not to
act for fear of someone judging me. Other Times I
forced myself into the center of discussions in a pitiful
attempt to make sure I was recognized for everything I
thought or did. I excluded others, I demeaned others, I
pointed out their weaknesses and inconsistencies as a way of
raising myself by lowering those around me. Sometimes I was

(02:27):
aware of it, other times I was not. It took
a chance comment by a friend of mine, long after
I had reached adulthood, before I could begin to lift
myself out of the uncertainty that surrounded my sense of self.

(02:48):
Craig was a close friend of mine. He was one
of those people who brought energy and life into any
room he entered. He had an uncanny ability to focus
his entire attention on you while you were talking. Suddenly
felt more important and more responsible than you had before
he started listening. He made you better by being around him.
People loved him. He and I went to graduate school together.

(03:12):
We had a lot in common. We both were having
women troubles. We both were seekers. We both were perhaps
too aware of our own foibles for our own good.
But he lived in the sunlight of the spirit, while
I lived under a full moon. We were like mirrors
to each other, revealing dimentions of our beings that otherwise
we never would have seen. One sunny autumn day, we

(03:41):
were sitting in our study areas, half talking and half
working on some now forgotten projects for our graduate degrees.
I was staring out the window when I noticed one
of my professors walking across the parking lot. He had
been away all summer, and we had not parted on
good terms. I had taken great offense at some suggestion
he had made, and had in turn given great offense

(04:02):
in my answer. We had not seen each other since
that day. Damn it, I said to Craig, I don't
want to see him. Why not, Craig asked. I explained
what had happened the previous spring we left on bad terms.
I said, besides, I just doesn't like me. Craig walked
over and looked on at the passing figure. I think
you've got it wrong, he said. You're the one who's

(04:24):
turning away, and you're just doing that because you're afraid.
He probably thinks you don't like him, so he's not
acting warm toward you. People are like that. They like
people who like them. If you show him you're interested
in him, he'll be interested in you. Go on and
talk to him. Craig's words smart. I walked tentatively down

(04:45):
the stairs into the parking lot. I mustered my best
smile and warmest feelings and greeted my professor and asked
how his summer had been. He looked at me, genuinely
surprised at my warmth, and put his arm over my shoulder.
We walked off, talking. Out of the corner of my eye,
I could see Craig at the window, smiling broadly. It

(05:10):
was so simple, yet I had never seen it. I
was coming to all my encounters with a fear that
others were judging me. When in fact, they were afraid
I was judging them. We were all living in a
fear of being judged by the other, while the empty
space between us was waiting to be filled by a
simple gesture of honest, caring people like people who liked them.

(05:32):
Those words allowed me to see the world through new eyes.
Instead of seeing judgment in the eyes of others, I
saw need, not deep, yawning need, but the simple human
need to be noticed and cared about. I began to
realize that most people were not waiting to judge the
adequacy of my actions. They were waiting for the chance
to share something about themselves. Craig knew this. He basked

(05:55):
in people as if basking in sunlight. Their lives warmed him,
and they loved sharing them with him. That was what
made him so special. From that day forward, I turned
my life around. It was not easy. I still spent
too much time fearing the judgment of others, and I
still got hurt when arrogant people took advantage of my
openness and used it either to laugh at me or

(06:16):
to demean me. But I found that by taking the
chance and liking other people, the world opened up before me.
I discovered a world of people I would never have
known had I kept only to my own interests. Car mechanics, cashiers,
crazy people, thieves. All had their stories to tell. The wealthy,
the poor, the powerful, and the lonely. All were as

(06:38):
full of dreams and doubts as I was. Farmers talked
to me about tractors. Scientists spoke to me about Adams.
I learned what it is like to grow up on
the Australian coast, and I learned how it feels to
pack boxes all day long. If you are the one
who reaches out, if you are the one who dares
to like people, the walls around you will fall away.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
And great job on that, Monty especial thanks to Kent Neurburne.
He's the author of Letters to My Son, of Father's
wisdom on manhood, life and love. People are like that,
They like people who like them. It was so simple,
he said, I'd just never seen it. Kentnurburne's story, Craig's

(07:24):
lesson here on Our American Story. This is Lee Habib,
host of Our American Stories, the show where America is
the star and the American People. But we truly can't
do this show Without you, our shows will always be
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(07:45):
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