How One Man’s Dog Taught Him New Tricks

On this episode of Our American Stories, our regular contributor and listener Paul Bauer from Minneapolis, MN brings us a story entitled “Lessons from Gizmo” ...about his best friend—his dog. 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
And we continue with our American stories, and up next
a story from one of our listeners and now regular contributors,
Paul Bauer from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Today, Paul brings us a
story he's titled Lessons from Gizmo.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
When I became an empty nester in my home became
quiet and lonely, I decided it might be time to
get a pet. I knew nothing about dogs, but there
must be a reason why they're called man's best friend.
So I went for it. Without a clue on how
to go about picking the right precious canine, and very
few brains in my head, I went with my ear,

(00:49):
and I chose the sweetest sounding breed I could find.
I purchased a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel with a royal
name like that, How could I lose? This regal song
was going to be my ticket out of middle class,
and like the young Prince William of England, I would
have sent straight into royalty. I'm not so sure that

(01:09):
was a good plan. Looking back, I'm now five years
into this cannon experiment, and though I have a breed
that starts with word King Charles and ends with word Cavalier,
I have yet to meet Queen Elizabeth, or even sit
next to Bob Yager at a baseball game for that matter.
Good sake, sir, R in a wrong shape, buddy, Come on? Oh,
I almost be in the front row. Come on, But

(01:30):
Gizmo the Princely Dog has managed to teach me a
few things. I've compiled a list of the top ten
things I've learned from this furry creature. Number one is humility.
There is very little pride in owning a dog, especially
when you have to do sanitation duty. Do you like
holding those bags swinging them by your knees while on
the hike? Furthermore, while walking your dog? What's the proper

(01:52):
way to introduce yourself to a passing stranger or a
friendly neighbor when you have a baggy in one hand
and at least in the other, try saying pardon the
poop without being humble. It's very sad. Number two, you
have to learn who is boss? Are you short on
long suffering? Then get a dog like me and that
canon character builder will teach you whose boss in no time. Take,

(02:16):
for example, the game of fetch. I thought all dogs
played that thrown retrieve interactive practice. So when I first
bought my dog. I looked forward to spending hours and
hours of quality time with me throwing balls and my
happy pooch bringing them back over and over, back and forth,
All for not. My dog has no interest in that
kind of bonding nonsense. When I throw the ball, she

(02:38):
pouts and breeze and looks me in the eye, glancing
up at my arching eyebrows as if to say, too
much work, sir, Sorry, I can't help. Maybe that's where
the King Charles Park comes in. My dog Gizmo, she'd
rather be waited on than returning fetches thrown by me,
her master. My failure at teaching her these basic animal
instincts is not for lack of trying. I've tried just

(03:00):
about every kind of object possible. A stick, a rope,
tennis ball, golf ball, racquetball, fuzzy balls and super balls.
It doesn't matter. All of them are losers. I throw
them out as far or short as possible, and with
hope I say fetch. But the reaction is the same,
a stair down, not even a twitch of a muscle

(03:21):
or hint that maybe she should go chase that ball.
I end up retrieving it myself, and I can plainly
see a smirk on Gizmo's face as she observes this routine.
I even tried, but I thought was pure genius. Cutting
a hole in a tennis ball and filling with treats.
That one actually brought minor success. We got half way there.
She did chase it down, but there was no way

(03:42):
she was bringing that ball back to me. It was
a closed deal. Negotiations were off. She ate the treat
on the spot, and of course left the ball there
for me to fetch. My patience is really being tested,
But after five years of trying, I have not given
up number three. My diet is not so bad after all. First,

(04:03):
let me try saying something with a straight face. I
do not have an eating disorder. There, I said it.
Only problem is it's all a lie. Now, in my
late fifties, I've matured and gotten real about life, and
I've learned that carrying a few extra inches around my
waist is time. I get used to the idea. I'm
never going to be ultra slim again. And I do
have an eating problem, I admit it, but at least

(04:25):
I'm not as bad as Gizmo. That dog will eat
anything that resembles food, even some things that don't grass, dirt, roadkill,
it doesn't matter. It's all food to her. As for
human food. No matter how sneaky I am, she knows
when I have food I am. When pressed, I will
hand it over and she will gobble it down in
seconds flat, with no manners to boot. So I have

(04:47):
come to realize I have problems with eating, but I'm
a model of self discipline compared to that dog. Number four,
You're never really alone. You don't need sunshine to cast
a shadow. I have learned. This dog will not leave
me out of her sight. Even the bathroom is not safe.
If not for the door, she would be right there
wondering why I'm in there, sitting on that thing with

(05:09):
my pants down to my ankles. As it is, she's
relegated to scratching at the door telling me to go
hurry up and finish my business. Number five, I'm not
that smart. If there's anything I have become convinced of
since buying Gizmo, it's this I'm being outsmarted by a dog.
She is my superior. The dog is the one in charge,

(05:30):
not me, So I better get used to that fact.
We walk when she wants to walk. We go where
she wants to go. If I feel like stepping it
up and making it into a jog. It's no guarantee
she will jog with me. Gizmo jog when she feels
like it, which is almost never, So I might as
well follow my leader and obey her instincts. Kind of
like the old Hannababar cartoon character Quick Drama Gras, Gizmo says,

(05:52):
in essence, I'll do the thinning around here, Bubba boy.
She even orders food for us both when I'm I'm
out cooking on the grill. I know why she wakes
her tail and watches me intently. She is not happy
to see me. She's only making sure I cook the
steak just right. Me d him rare. I have learned
she has me feeling too guilty to give her a

(06:13):
piece with some fat and grizzle on it. She make
it sick, I think to myself. So of course she
gets the center cut, leaving me to eat the part
that's not fit for a dog. Number six, I'm a
lousy barber. My dog has also taught me something about
personal care. I'm not her personal hair stylist. I'm too
cheap to pay for a groomer. I don't even pay

(06:35):
to have someone give my own haircut. I'm not about
to pay someone to do my dog. So Gizmo's at
the mercy of my scissors. If she's not going to
play fetch, I'm not going to go to beauty school.
Her precious fur coat looks as though it had a
run in with a weed whacker and lost. Luckily for her,
I was told you can't shave a King Charles's Cavalier Spaniel.
It just doesn't work. But if it did, the regal

(06:57):
Gizmo would have a look just like my personal favorite,
the Michael Jordan Kirbby Pucket chrom Doome, a dog Doo
made to look just like me. But as it is,
she's the only dog in the neighborhood with a mullet
number seven. If you snooze, you don't always lose. I'm
not lazy, not when compared to Gizmo. At least I

(07:19):
no longer have to feel guilty taking a ten minute
nap in the afternoon. When this dog is not eating,
following me around, or refusing to play fetch, or complaining
about her mullet, she's sleeping period. She believes in the
Powernap Strategy for Success Mike Einstein, So I follow her
example number eight. You don't have to fuss about housework.

(07:39):
Our house used to be spotless before Gizmo, we were
the model of good housekeeping. But all thoughts about our
house being perfect, or even any guilt about leaving the
living room just a little bit messy, that is completely vanished.
Gizmo gave us perspective from the beginning of this experiment.
The shedding beast has turned our house into one continuous fuzzball,
not a house of impeccable perfection. We have worn out

(08:00):
three vacuum cleaners and still can I keep the place
fuzz free. I think, mister Hoover and rent to the
notion that every home needs a pet. Number nine, It's
better to stick to a routine. I used to love
change variety. That's a spice of life, right, But now,
in my middle aged years, living with my King Charles
Cavalier Spaniel, I've changed my mind. You mess with your

(08:22):
routine and you pay for it. The following day. Gizmol
reinforces that notion. Don't even think about sitting down to
unwine after a hard day at the office. The dog
must be walked first. Try putting your feet up for
a few minutes and she will stare you down with
a look that could kill a squirrel. This is Gizmo's time,
and you better get up off your booty and take
her out for a walk so that she can come
home afterwards and sleep. Number ten doctors are overrated for

(08:47):
anyone considering the medical profession. You might want to forget
about brain surgery or heart transplants and go right to
the more lucrative position of veterinarian. I've never paid for
one of those other surgeries, but I can't imagine they're
more expensive than gizmos'silia check up. With that and a
corresponding medications, Gizmo has me trained animal science and canaane medicine.
That's where it's at. There's a gold mine there. With

(09:10):
all this wisdom I've acquired from dog ownership and all
these lessons learned from life with Gizmo and an empty nest,
I have to wonder how did I learn anything life
without a dog. That pooch has changed my life too much,
way too much. She has taken over. I have become
my dog's intern, stylist, psychiatrist, personal attendant, provider and student.

(09:33):
Maybe I shouldn't be such a pushover, and I should
consider teaching this old dog a few new tricks. But
I'm too prone to roll over at this stage of
my life. That's just the way it goes. She's the dog,
I am the tale. It is after all, dog's life,
isn't it?

Speaker 1 (09:50):
And great work is always by Greg Hangl around this
piece and a special thanks to Paul Bauer from Minneapolis, Minnesota.
He's a devoted listener and also a great contributor. By
the way, I have pugs, and anyone who has pugs
understands and empathizes with my friend Paul. My goodness, King
Charles Cavalier, spaniels and pugs have a lot in common.

(10:13):
They run the show period the story of Gizmo and
lessons from Gizmo. Here on our American Story