January 23, 2020 • 30 mins
Are you a hard worker or a workaholic?
It's a simple question, yet something that might not be so simple to answer.
This week on the pod, Dan helps you figure out which side of the scale you're on.
There are a lot of facts to consider. There's a good chance you could be using work as an excuse to cover up or hide other problems in your life. There's a good chance you could be using work to compensate for something else in your life.
The stories we tell ourselves can help us unlock what is truly going on in our subconscious.
This week, Dan is here to help you unlock them to live a life amplified.
This discussed this week include...
- The signs that help you decide if you're a hard worker or a workaholic.
- The four questions to ask yourself if you believe work has become an addictive force in your life
- The steps to take to get over workaholism.
To join the Wavelength Mastermind with Dan and Sarah Reilly, visit wavelengthmastermind.com
Join Dan's Life Amplified Facebook Tribe! facebook.com/groups/lifeamplified
Follow Dan on Instagram for daily tips and motivation: @cscdanmason
To learn more about Dan and his one-on-one coaching programs, visit creativesoulcoaching.net
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Episode ninety. Am I a hard worker or a workaholic?
I'll give you the answers this week. Stay tuned. My
name is Dan Mason. I was overweight, getting divorced, battling depression,
and feeling trapped in a career where I was successful
but bored and unfulfilled. And it's actually the greatest gift
I've ever been given. I used my pain as a
(00:22):
springboard to discover my life's purpose. Now I want to
share the same tools and strategies which helped transform my
life with you so you can live life amplify. Two
quotes to start out with this week. The first one's
from Opra Win for You says, I've learned that you
can't have it all and do it all both at
the same time. And musician Dolly Parton once famously said,
(00:45):
don't get so busy building a career that you forget
to build a life. Hello, and welcome back everybody to
Life Amplified. Thank you for seven thirty minutes out of
your day today to work on yourself, to take in
some inspiring content. And I think that this is such
an important topic because even if you are not a workaholic,
(01:05):
if you have a healthy relationship with work. You may
very well have people in your life who are over
the line that they just can't pull themselves away from
the desk. And in fact, a study that I saw
that was released last year said forty eight percent of
American self identify as workaholics. We are proud of it,
you know. It's the interesting thing about addiction is most
(01:27):
of the time we're in denial. If there's an addiction.
If you've ever seen somebody who says, you know, that
they don't need to quit drinking, that they can stop
whenever they want to. The cocaine addict who's like, Hey,
I'm going out for one more party and then I'm
going to give it up. Denial is a big aspect
of most addiction, you know, and it's not something that
(01:48):
we're typically proud of. We carry a lot of shame
around it. I just saw the movie Uncut Gems right
before the holidays. I don't know if you've seen it yet,
but Adam Sandler plays this generate gambler who just every
time the money comes in, he's pushing it back out,
letting it ride on another basketball game. And it's so
(02:08):
uncomfortable and anxiety inducing to watch is you just watch
this guy destroy his life, destroy his marriage. You know,
he can't get out of his own way to the point,
and I don't want to give away spoilers, but at
the end of the movie, if you've seen it, you
know how it ends. I was relieved on behalf of
the character that things ended the way that they did.
(02:28):
But why don't we ever have that same level of
judgment or shame around workaholism? In many instances, I feel
like we take pride in it, you know, because work
is such a source of our identity, it becomes a
source of our value. You know, we put on the
badge of honor when we're burning the midnight oil. They're
actually studies out there that say people inflate their number
(02:51):
of hours worked over what it actually is because I
think on some level, we're just trying to either impress
a boss, to get the praise and validation that we
didn't get as a kid. You know, that would certainly
be the anxious attachment relationship to work, and even if
you're not, you could be avoiding attachment and be completely
stuck at work is a way to run from or
(03:12):
hide other emotional issues. So we're going to get into
this today. What are the signs that really differentiate between
being a hard worker with a strong work ethic and
being a straight up workaholic. We're also going to talk
about if the number of hours you work is really
what determines a work addiction or not. And I'm going
(03:34):
to give you four questions that you can use if
you believe that work has become a compulsive or even
an addictive force in your life. Before we get into
all that, I do want to shout out our listener
of the week that is Lisa the Vone. She is
a member of our life Amplified Power Tribe, also in
Instagram follower. She recently listened to the episode we just
(03:56):
did about raising your inner value. She says, I happened
to be driving for a while and my husband was
with me. He just quit a job of eighteen years
due to stress and inability to communicate with his boss
about how he was feeling about the situation. This job
was affecting our home life. He's had a few moments,
(04:16):
naturally questioning his decision, but this is going to be
a game changer for him. I was pleased to see
him nodding his head during your podcast and he shared
a few issues with me he was having about the decision.
He's not one to express his feelings in a constructive
way or to express really emotional issues. Just wanted to
tell you that your podcast and other forms are reaching
(04:36):
us and we appreciate your positive energy and insight. Lisa,
that means the world to me, and I am so
happy for your husband that he's cut the cord. If
if you've been a longtime listener to the podcast, you
know I was in a soul sucking, stressful career where
I was overworked and overwhelmed, and that was for eighteen
years before I walked away, So I definitely relate to that.
(04:58):
And one quick coach point that just stands out to me,
and I think that this is, you know, I'm speaking
to Lisa and her husband, but really I'm speaking to
the entire audience, no matter where you're listening from. It
almost reads to me in this note that the cause
of stress wasn't so much about the number of hours worked,
(05:19):
but the stress was in the inability to communicate with
your boss about the stress that you're feeling. That becomes
a very big red flag. So often we think if
we just change the environment that we're going to get
our needs met and we're going to work less, when
in fact, if there is a pattern of avoidance, or
if there's some anxiety around speaking up for yourself and
(05:42):
setting a boundary and asking for your needs, that pattern
will very much show up in the next job. And
in fact, it seems like until recently this was something
that was showing up in the marriage. Also, you know,
Lisa was saying that her husband isn't one to express
his feelings in a constructive way. So how you do
one thing is how you do all things. If you're
(06:03):
not able to speak up for your needs at work,
you're probably not doing at home with friendships, with your parents,
with your children, or anybody else in your life. So
make sure that you get a little curious there around
where that pattern stems from. Get some mentorship in support
this year so that you can really move beyond that
pattern and not find yourself in just another soul sucking
(06:26):
job for eighteen years. Afterwards, let's dive in to workaholism
in terms of work and mental health. You know, there's
not a ton of deep dive research on this yet
because workaholism for reasons, I will never understand is not
recognized by the d s M, which is the manual
(06:49):
that most mental health practitioners would use to make a diagnosis.
Workaholism is not recognized as an addictive behavior the same
way that alcohol or drug addiction or gambling addiction is,
and I think that's a mistake. I do think it's
something that is going to be corrected in the years ahead,
because anything in your life can become an addiction. If
(07:12):
you're using it is a way to run from feeling
unpleasant feelings. You know, there's a lot of people who
are purpose driven, who are running toward a goal bigger
than themselves, and those are people who tend to have
a healthier relationship with work. I go in and out
of phases in it. I mean, I'm the amplified career guy.
(07:32):
Best believe. There are some days when I'm working ten hours,
twelve hours writing marketing emails, doing Facebook ads, creating the
video content that you see up on my Instagram page
where I have the subtitled coaching videos that I'm sharing
with you this year, I may very well worked into
twelve hours. And then there's other days when I work
an hour and a half, two hours coach to clients
(07:53):
and I'm done for the day. But if you are
moving towards something bigger than yourself and your work energizes
you and fills you up, that's very healthy. Workaholism can
be a lot of times when you're using work is
a way to run away from unpleasant feelings, and so
often people you know blame it on well, you don't understand,
(08:15):
there's so much corporate pressure. But that has nothing to
do with it. I used to use that excuse back
in the day as well. Corporate pressure is no more
responsible for creating workaholics than liquor stores are for creating drunks.
Workaholism is almost a variation of an obsessive compulsive disorder,
and it's really about the inability to turn off work.
(08:38):
Ever that you have no balance even when you're not working,
you're obsessively thinking about it, and in many instances, people
who are workaholics are stressed when they're not working. Now,
there are people with a strong work ethic who may
very well be the first one in the office handling
tons of work. They do it really efficiently, they do
(08:59):
it well, but they know when they step out of
that building at five o'clock. They are relaxing and they're
enjoying their life away. I want you. Used to work
with a colleague in the radio industry who would get
in in the summers at four thirty in the morning,
and he would work hard every day until about two thirty.
He'd be there from four thirty to two thirty, first
(09:20):
one in the building that he would walk out of
that office at two thirty because he wanted to go
play golf with his kids in the summer, got all
of his work done, but when he was disconnected, he
was not mentally there in the office. He was engaged
as a father. Now. Workaholics, on the other hand, tend
to come from dysfunctional homes, and there is some subconscious
(09:41):
patterning that they've learned that says putting in these crushing,
overwhelming hours can help give them control and calm their
anxiety about other aspects of life. And that's not true,
by the way. It never works that way in reality.
You know, Just like if you you're binge eating, which
(10:01):
was a problem for me back in the day, it
only sort of masks an underlying problem that's happening beneath
the surface. So I'll give you an example from a
recent coaching call. One of my clients, super high achiever,
has done amazing things in her career, made great money,
but she has been running this story most of her
(10:23):
adult life that says, if I'm working all the time,
I'll make money, and then if I have tons of money,
I am safe. And maybe you've even used the money
excuse in the past two Well, I have to work
this hard because the money is what provides the security.
And as we talked about last week, nothing outside of
(10:43):
you can provide any true emotional content. You have to
generate it within yourself if you're looking for lasting and
meaningful transformation. But what we got to the core of
in this coaching call because the work it also become
a hindrance to the so your life. This particular client
was isolated, not getting out, not making time for physical
(11:06):
health and for activities that she deeply cared about. So
as we started to examine the root of the workaholism,
it wasn't really about creating money, but it was very
much about safety. What we uncovered is that she grew
up in a home where there was a lot of abuse,
like really traumatic stuff like the Big T traumas, happening
(11:27):
in the home. And what she learned is if she
was super active and involved in all sorts of act
after school activities and very focused on her education and
all these extracurriculars, then it meant that she could be
away from the home and therefore she would be safe.
So the identity of the overachiever is not something that
(11:49):
she was born with. In fact, there's no real research
that says that we're born with a personality. Introverts and
extroverts don't really exist at birth. It's more subconscious patterning
and how we've been conditioned to be. But she had
taken on this identity of being an overachiever because it
literally removed her from some toxic, abusive situations in her home.
(12:13):
And furthermore, the more she achieved and was recognized for
all the activities she did at school, the more the
abusive parents would show up and give verbal affirmation. So
you can imagine how this would create some disorganized attachment
on one end, like I need to work all the
time to be physically safe from an imminent threat in
(12:36):
my home as a child, And on the other hand,
if I continue to work hard, I'll actually get some
real love and validation from my caretakers. But in that moment,
workaholic is absolutely born. So we talked about, you know,
the two kinds of achievers. There are people who are
moving toward a goal that is bigger than themselves. But
(12:59):
in this example with this client, that's somebody who's got
an away from goal that they're engaging in the behavior
just to run away from physical pain. And if you're
a person who identifies as a workaholic, this is what
we want to get clear on and this could be
the biggest determining factor on whether you're a hard worker
(13:20):
or a workaholic. Are you moving toward a goal that
energizes you, light you up and you can bring that
positive energy home and share it with the people around
you where you're fully engaged with life. Or is the
working really driven by anxiety and is it driven by
your attachment patterns. You've heard me talk about this idea
(13:43):
a lot about childhood attachments. You know, people who are
anxious attachment will collapse on themselves because they are seeking
approval or validation. The anxious attachment employee who is working
all the time is doing it because they want to
be liked. You know, there's taken on the work of
six people because they can't say no and they're terrified
(14:05):
that they're going to let their boss down. You know,
somebody who is avoidant attachment will stay in the office
all the time because there is some other emotional content
they're trying not to feel. They don't want to engage
at home because the marriage is on the rocks and
they don't want to have the tough conversation. And in
either case, all this time at work creates a lot
(14:27):
of tension, and it creates a lot of unpleasant emotions.
You're either anxious that you're going to get fired if
you're not doing enough, or you know, you're just taking
on the work because you don't even think that you
can ask for help. Isn't avoidant, You're like, iff it,
I'll do it all myself because I cried out as
a kid and nobody showed up for me, So I've
got to do all this on my own. So you
(14:48):
can stay chained to the desk. And yet there are
very real consequences that happened on the back end of this.
Spouses and partners of workaholics will be the ones who
complain that their partner is never there. And even if
they're they're physically, they're not present emotionally, they're always tuned out,
their faces buried in the cell phone because they can't
(15:08):
get away from work for two seconds. The divorce rate
where one spouse is a workaholic is compared to sixteen
percent in marriages where no spouse identifies as a workaholic.
Other research suggests that while men work significantly more as workaholics,
(15:31):
that this affects women to eighty five percent of men,
what an insane number, are working more than forty hours
a week. But ladies, sixties seven percent of you are
doing the same thing. American workers putting in nearly five
hundred more working hours every year than people in France.
That's like adding an additional twelve weeks of work every year.
(15:53):
And we become vacation avoidance. We're afraid work will pile
up out of our absence, that there's that there's going
to be too much to do when we come back.
So this is why literally half of the workforce last
year left vacation days on the table, and a little
more than one in five employees left a week or
more a vacation on the table. And what about physical health? Symptoms.
(16:17):
We know that workaholics are more prone to things like
high cholesterol, high blood pressure, cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, you name it,
not even to mention, you know, things like depression and anxiety.
But there's been some research that Harvard commissioned and what
they found as employees who worked long hours but didn't
(16:38):
obsess about work in their off hours actually reported fewer
health complaints than employees who demonstrated workaholism. Workaholics, whether or
not they worked more hours, reported more health complaints, including
more sleep problems, more cynicism, more emotional exhaustion, higher blood pressure,
(17:00):
are in cholesterol, more depression, you name it. So what
are the top five signs of being a workaholic? Of
workaholics say that they prioritize work before their personal life,
say that they worry about work on a day off.
Have of workaholics say that they struggle to switch off
(17:22):
when they're on vacation forty percent it meant to getting
up in the middle of the night just to check
email and say that they're the first person in the
office and the last to leave. So the question is
what do we do about all this? If you are
a workaholic, If you're married to a workaholic, what becomes
(17:44):
the action steps that are going to help you move
forward with grace and with ease and with a sense
of peace. You know, one of the big hallmarks of
workaholism is literally they get anxious when they're not working.
So what do you need to do? Number one, You
have got to uncover the real issue because work is
(18:05):
not the issue. It's anxiety. It's fear of rejection. It
is the fear of asking for help or the inability
to trust other people to delegate work. The issues could
be a craving for approval. And it's all about your
attachment patterns. You know, how you learn to connect emotionally
(18:25):
and psychologically as a child with your caregivers will show
up in your work relationship, just as it will in
your romantic relationships and in your relationship to money with
risk taking, etcetera. This is we're having a qualified coach
or mentor is going to be everything for you. If
you're simply trying to treat the problem at the level
(18:45):
of the behavior and saying, Wow, Okay, I'm just gonna
work less this week, your nervous system is not on
board with that. Just like the client I shared earlier
who have a lot of childhood trauma wrapped up in
the need to work. Your nervous system for some reason,
does not feel safe to shut it off. And until
that gets addressed, you're going to stay on the hamster wheel.
(19:08):
It's gonna be another lost year, and you'll be doing
it in five years, ten years, until your family is
standing over you on your deathbed. That's the reality issue,
number one. We've got to uncover the real issue. And
I also want to give you four questions that you
can start to journal on on your own that will
help you begin this process. This is not the end all,
(19:30):
be all, but I think it is a great starting point.
Number One. If you're a workaholic, I want you to
consider what am I trying to prove? Why do you
feel like you're somehow incomplete or not enough? What is
putting in all these hours? What how is it meeting
a need for you? And what are you trying to prove?
And who are you trying to prove it too? By
(19:50):
the way, I think that those are all very interesting
questions as a starting point. Number two, what am I
trying to escape by working so much? This question can
work for any addictive behavior, alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it.
You know, at the end of the day, we engage
in compulsive or addictive behavior is because we don't want
(20:11):
to feel your smartphone same way. Have you ever been
anxious or been nervous about starting a new project and
perfectionism kicks in. You're like, oh my god, what if
I do it wrong? And then you're scrolling through Instagram?
What is it that you're trying to escape? Number three?
What do I need in this moment when I want
to go back to my computer at night, when I
(20:33):
want to be in my cell phone? What do I
really need? Is it reassurance? Is it love? Is it connection?
What is the emotional need that you're trying to meet
in that moment? Because whatever that emotional need is, if
you're going to work sixty hours a week in order
to meet it, that's a low level coping mechanism. It's
(20:56):
not sustainable. We want to find higher level days for
you to meet the need, which is why the fourth
question is how can I give myself that thing that
I'm craving in a healthy way. You know, if working
hard gives you a sense of love and appreciation, so
can being present with your children. So can being present
with a spouse, So can calling up an old friend
(21:19):
and meeting them for coffee can meet that need for connection.
What is the void you're trying to fill and how
do you meet it in a healthy way? Those four
questions become everything. So the second step that I want
to give you here if you're trying to overcome workaholism
in twenty is you've got to pay attention to your
personal life. You have got to find meaning and other
(21:40):
things besides work, because you know what your job is
not going to be there with you when you're on
your deathbed one day. You know all the stock options,
the employee of the Year trophies, What are they gonna
mean when you're laying there taking those last few breaths.
Life is about relationships. You can find value in that.
(22:03):
You can find value in hobbies. You can find it
in your religion or your spirituality. You can find value
in your personal health. But once you start to look
for meaning in other areas, the compulsive need to find
it in work will dissipate. And I'm not talking about
don't work hard, but work hard in something that is
adding value to your life. And let's get your priorities.
(22:26):
In line number three, let's set a discipline schedule. You
know you have got to make an agreement. Can we
try it for a week that you are out of
the office every day by five thirty at the latest.
You show up on time, you work hard, you work
with productivity, and then whatever is not done, you leave
(22:48):
it on the desk and you get to it the
next day. You know the most important thing that you
can do. I go through so many goal setting systems
with my clients. But if you know what the three
most important goals that are in front of you right now,
and you are taking the three action steps to achieve
them every day, you're doing better than ninety nine percent
(23:09):
of the world. So let's get disciplined about the schedule.
Let's get intentional, and also step number four. I want
you to be intentional just about disconnecting. When you're on
the job, you be the best sales executive or doctor
or coder or mechanic in the world. You do the
best that you can at that job. But when you're
(23:30):
not at work, be the best that you can be
in those other areas of your life. Be the best
parent that you can be, Be the best friend, be
the best sibling, be the best son or daughter. Turn
off the email, turn off your business phone. You cut
off the WiFi in your house after seven thirty at night,
and I promise the work will still be waiting for
(23:52):
you the next morning. The other thing is is you've
got to start using the vacation time. These numbers about
the vacation statistics seem to inch up a little bit
more every year. You know you're hoarding these personal days
for god knows what. But the people who are taking
vacations are happier, They're more fulfilled, they have better perspective,
(24:14):
they have expanded awareness because they've gone out and seen
the world they're experiencing other cultures take advantage of it.
It's there for a reason. And finally, the last step
that I would give you is stop suffering in silence.
Reach out and ask for support. Find a coach, find
a therapist, talk to your spouse. I go all the
(24:36):
way back to the listener email that I shared at
the top of the podcast. How do we build closer
relationships with our significant other? We do it through intimacy.
We do it through telling the truth and speaking up
about what's true for us and what we're experiencing having
somebody who can be there for you in a really
low point and and empathize with you and love you
(24:59):
and support you through it. That's the best feeling in
the world. But so many times we're afraid to go
there because of old childhood patterns. We don't think that
we can speak up, we don't think that somebody will
meet us halfway, and we never ask for what we
need because most of the time we don't even know.
We just operate from the same pattern of trying to,
you know, consume our needs outside of ourselves, rather than
(25:21):
going within and knowing who we are and what it
is we really want. And here's the thing. I give
this message to you today because it's the same message
I need to hear myself, and I see entrepreneurs do this,
so many people in the coaching space. So we're still
hustling and grinding, and especially in the work that I do.
So much of my content is put out online. There's videos,
(25:42):
and there's quote cards, and there's social media, and it
can blur the line for me between what is work
and what is me just trying to get my own
dopamine hit from seeing how many likes and Instagram video. God.
So this is something that I still experience even though
I'm doing work that is my toward goal. Like, I
am so moved by this cause of helping people, you know,
(26:06):
overcome their patterns and create both a career and a
life that they want to get out of bed four
in the morning. This is my life's work, this is
my mission. But I can still have an unhealthy relationship
to the work because I've got old patterns that say,
oh my God, if you're not working hard enough, then
you can't be successful. You gotta go, go, go, go go.
Some of that programming that was instilled in me early on.
(26:29):
And God, I was the guy in high school who
was working two different jobs and a big part of
that even for me, was just getting out of the
house and away from some of the abuse that was
going on in my own home. So I recognize, I
recognize a lot of these traits within myself. But what
I would leave you with today is this. The average
(26:49):
life expectancy for a human being is seventies six years old.
Now I don't know how old you are because we
haven't spoken yet, but in my world, I've got thirty
three years left on this planet. Satistically speaking, how do
you want to use them? Do you want to use
them in a way that brings you joy? What are
the experiences that you want to look back on one day,
you know, in those final moments, and have gratitude for.
(27:12):
Do you think that the thing is going to fill
you up is going to be because you became you know,
salesperson of the month for January twenty for crushing the
budget goals? Do you think that your life is going
to be fulfilled because you increased that shareholder value by
four percent in quarter one? And not that those aren't
a benefit. You could be very successful doing those things.
(27:35):
But my question is is does it fulfill your soul?
How does it feel to you? Does it feel expansive
when you're doing that or is there part of you
that feels a little guilty? Do you feel the shame
because you know you're not showing up in other areas
of your life. You're not showing up for your physical health,
You're not showing up in your relationships with the presence
(27:56):
that you would like you deserve a year and a
life that works for you. But I'm telling you life
work balance does not work. If you were depleted stressed
out and run into the ground because of your job.
So what will your life look and feel like another
year from now? If nothing changes, what's going to be
the cost to your health, to your self esteem? If
(28:18):
there's another year of broken promises, what's going to be
the impact on your children? By the way, most of
my clients also have got some story about Hey, mom
and dad were always working, they were never there. I
had to take care of myself, or they weren't really
emotionally present for me. So the one way I could
get attention from them is to work really hard and
accomplish some stuff. Is that the dynamic that you want
(28:38):
to continue. It's probably gone on for generations in your family.
It's time to let it go. It is time to
step into an amplified life and career. I hope that
today helps you get there. To recap the major points,
workaholism has nothing to do with the number of hours
you work. It has everything to do with the way
that you relate to your work and are you able
(29:00):
to shut it off after hours and very quickly. The
steps that you need to take Number one, uncover the
real issue. Find a coach, your mentor who can help
you with your attachment patterns so you can better understand
why you do the things you do. Then you can
change your life at the level of belief instead of
the level of behavior. Number two, we want to make
(29:22):
your personal life a priority this year. We want to
set a discipline schedule. We want to get you unplugged
and off the electronics. You set the time that you
want to do it, but the more time you're away
from the phone, the more time you can engage with life.
Use your vacation time. Don't leave it on the table
this year. And number six, don't suffer alone. Get some
(29:45):
support because you deserve it and you're worth it. I
love you, I appreciate you. If it's something that I
can help you with, this is my jam. These are
the conversations that I'd love to have with people. You
can apply for v I P Coaching at my website
Creative Soul Coaching dot net, or you can just DM
me on Instagram. You can tag me at c SC
(30:07):
Dan Mason don't forget. You can also screenshot this podcast
upload it to Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to tag
me so I can shout you out. But please share
this with the people in your life who need it,
because again, even if you have a healthy relationship with work,
you know people close to you who do not. So
please pass this on and if you're moved to do so.
(30:29):
I always appreciate your five star ratings and reviews up
on Apple, or you can give me a follow here
on the I Heart Radio app or whatever podcast platform
you're listening on. In the meantime, turn down the volume
on your negativity, turn up the volume on your purpose
so you can live life amplified. I'll talk to you
next week.
Episode ninety. Am I a hard worker or a workaholic?
I'll give you the answers this week. Stay tuned. My
name is Dan Mason. I was overweight, getting divorced, battling depression,
and feeling trapped in a career where I was successful
but bored and unfulfilled. And it's actually the greatest gift
I've ever been given. I used my pain as a
(00:22):
springboard to discover my life's purpose. Now I want to
share the same tools and strategies which helped transform my
life with you so you can live life amplify. Two
quotes to start out with this week. The first one's
from Opra Win for You says, I've learned that you
can't have it all and do it all both at
the same time. And musician Dolly Parton once famously said,
(00:45):
don't get so busy building a career that you forget
to build a life. Hello, and welcome back everybody to
Life Amplified. Thank you for seven thirty minutes out of
your day today to work on yourself, to take in
some inspiring content. And I think that this is such
an important topic because even if you are not a workaholic,
(01:05):
if you have a healthy relationship with work. You may
very well have people in your life who are over
the line that they just can't pull themselves away from
the desk. And in fact, a study that I saw
that was released last year said forty eight percent of
American self identify as workaholics. We are proud of it,
you know. It's the interesting thing about addiction is most
(01:27):
of the time we're in denial. If there's an addiction.
If you've ever seen somebody who says, you know, that
they don't need to quit drinking, that they can stop
whenever they want to. The cocaine addict who's like, Hey,
I'm going out for one more party and then I'm
going to give it up. Denial is a big aspect
of most addiction, you know, and it's not something that
(01:48):
we're typically proud of. We carry a lot of shame
around it. I just saw the movie Uncut Gems right
before the holidays. I don't know if you've seen it yet,
but Adam Sandler plays this generate gambler who just every
time the money comes in, he's pushing it back out,
letting it ride on another basketball game. And it's so
(02:08):
uncomfortable and anxiety inducing to watch is you just watch
this guy destroy his life, destroy his marriage. You know,
he can't get out of his own way to the point,
and I don't want to give away spoilers, but at
the end of the movie, if you've seen it, you
know how it ends. I was relieved on behalf of
the character that things ended the way that they did.
(02:28):
But why don't we ever have that same level of
judgment or shame around workaholism? In many instances, I feel
like we take pride in it, you know, because work
is such a source of our identity, it becomes a
source of our value. You know, we put on the
badge of honor when we're burning the midnight oil. They're
actually studies out there that say people inflate their number
(02:51):
of hours worked over what it actually is because I
think on some level, we're just trying to either impress
a boss, to get the praise and validation that we
didn't get as a kid. You know, that would certainly
be the anxious attachment relationship to work, and even if
you're not, you could be avoiding attachment and be completely
stuck at work is a way to run from or
(03:12):
hide other emotional issues. So we're going to get into
this today. What are the signs that really differentiate between
being a hard worker with a strong work ethic and
being a straight up workaholic. We're also going to talk
about if the number of hours you work is really
what determines a work addiction or not. And I'm going
(03:34):
to give you four questions that you can use if
you believe that work has become a compulsive or even
an addictive force in your life. Before we get into
all that, I do want to shout out our listener
of the week that is Lisa the Vone. She is
a member of our life Amplified Power Tribe, also in
Instagram follower. She recently listened to the episode we just
(03:56):
did about raising your inner value. She says, I happened
to be driving for a while and my husband was
with me. He just quit a job of eighteen years
due to stress and inability to communicate with his boss
about how he was feeling about the situation. This job
was affecting our home life. He's had a few moments,
(04:16):
naturally questioning his decision, but this is going to be
a game changer for him. I was pleased to see
him nodding his head during your podcast and he shared
a few issues with me he was having about the decision.
He's not one to express his feelings in a constructive
way or to express really emotional issues. Just wanted to
tell you that your podcast and other forms are reaching
(04:36):
us and we appreciate your positive energy and insight. Lisa,
that means the world to me, and I am so
happy for your husband that he's cut the cord. If
if you've been a longtime listener to the podcast, you
know I was in a soul sucking, stressful career where
I was overworked and overwhelmed, and that was for eighteen
years before I walked away, So I definitely relate to that.
(04:58):
And one quick coach point that just stands out to me,
and I think that this is, you know, I'm speaking
to Lisa and her husband, but really I'm speaking to
the entire audience, no matter where you're listening from. It
almost reads to me in this note that the cause
of stress wasn't so much about the number of hours worked,
(05:19):
but the stress was in the inability to communicate with
your boss about the stress that you're feeling. That becomes
a very big red flag. So often we think if
we just change the environment that we're going to get
our needs met and we're going to work less, when
in fact, if there is a pattern of avoidance, or
if there's some anxiety around speaking up for yourself and
(05:42):
setting a boundary and asking for your needs, that pattern
will very much show up in the next job. And
in fact, it seems like until recently this was something
that was showing up in the marriage. Also, you know,
Lisa was saying that her husband isn't one to express
his feelings in a constructive way. So how you do
one thing is how you do all things. If you're
(06:03):
not able to speak up for your needs at work,
you're probably not doing at home with friendships, with your parents,
with your children, or anybody else in your life. So
make sure that you get a little curious there around
where that pattern stems from. Get some mentorship in support
this year so that you can really move beyond that
pattern and not find yourself in just another soul sucking
(06:26):
job for eighteen years. Afterwards, let's dive in to workaholism
in terms of work and mental health. You know, there's
not a ton of deep dive research on this yet
because workaholism for reasons, I will never understand is not
recognized by the d s M, which is the manual
(06:49):
that most mental health practitioners would use to make a diagnosis.
Workaholism is not recognized as an addictive behavior the same
way that alcohol or drug addiction or gambling addiction is,
and I think that's a mistake. I do think it's
something that is going to be corrected in the years ahead,
because anything in your life can become an addiction. If
(07:12):
you're using it is a way to run from feeling
unpleasant feelings. You know, there's a lot of people who
are purpose driven, who are running toward a goal bigger
than themselves, and those are people who tend to have
a healthier relationship with work. I go in and out
of phases in it. I mean, I'm the amplified career guy.
(07:32):
Best believe. There are some days when I'm working ten hours,
twelve hours writing marketing emails, doing Facebook ads, creating the
video content that you see up on my Instagram page
where I have the subtitled coaching videos that I'm sharing
with you this year, I may very well worked into
twelve hours. And then there's other days when I work
an hour and a half, two hours coach to clients
(07:53):
and I'm done for the day. But if you are
moving towards something bigger than yourself and your work energizes
you and fills you up, that's very healthy. Workaholism can
be a lot of times when you're using work is
a way to run away from unpleasant feelings, and so
often people you know blame it on well, you don't understand,
(08:15):
there's so much corporate pressure. But that has nothing to
do with it. I used to use that excuse back
in the day as well. Corporate pressure is no more
responsible for creating workaholics than liquor stores are for creating drunks.
Workaholism is almost a variation of an obsessive compulsive disorder,
and it's really about the inability to turn off work.
(08:38):
Ever that you have no balance even when you're not working,
you're obsessively thinking about it, and in many instances, people
who are workaholics are stressed when they're not working. Now,
there are people with a strong work ethic who may
very well be the first one in the office handling
tons of work. They do it really efficiently, they do
(08:59):
it well, but they know when they step out of
that building at five o'clock. They are relaxing and they're
enjoying their life away. I want you. Used to work
with a colleague in the radio industry who would get
in in the summers at four thirty in the morning,
and he would work hard every day until about two thirty.
He'd be there from four thirty to two thirty, first
(09:20):
one in the building that he would walk out of
that office at two thirty because he wanted to go
play golf with his kids in the summer, got all
of his work done, but when he was disconnected, he
was not mentally there in the office. He was engaged
as a father. Now. Workaholics, on the other hand, tend
to come from dysfunctional homes, and there is some subconscious
(09:41):
patterning that they've learned that says putting in these crushing,
overwhelming hours can help give them control and calm their
anxiety about other aspects of life. And that's not true,
by the way. It never works that way in reality.
You know, Just like if you you're binge eating, which
(10:01):
was a problem for me back in the day, it
only sort of masks an underlying problem that's happening beneath
the surface. So I'll give you an example from a
recent coaching call. One of my clients, super high achiever,
has done amazing things in her career, made great money,
but she has been running this story most of her
(10:23):
adult life that says, if I'm working all the time,
I'll make money, and then if I have tons of money,
I am safe. And maybe you've even used the money
excuse in the past two Well, I have to work
this hard because the money is what provides the security.
And as we talked about last week, nothing outside of
(10:43):
you can provide any true emotional content. You have to
generate it within yourself if you're looking for lasting and
meaningful transformation. But what we got to the core of
in this coaching call because the work it also become
a hindrance to the so your life. This particular client
was isolated, not getting out, not making time for physical
(11:06):
health and for activities that she deeply cared about. So
as we started to examine the root of the workaholism,
it wasn't really about creating money, but it was very
much about safety. What we uncovered is that she grew
up in a home where there was a lot of abuse,
like really traumatic stuff like the Big T traumas, happening
(11:27):
in the home. And what she learned is if she
was super active and involved in all sorts of act
after school activities and very focused on her education and
all these extracurriculars, then it meant that she could be
away from the home and therefore she would be safe.
So the identity of the overachiever is not something that
(11:49):
she was born with. In fact, there's no real research
that says that we're born with a personality. Introverts and
extroverts don't really exist at birth. It's more subconscious patterning
and how we've been conditioned to be. But she had
taken on this identity of being an overachiever because it
literally removed her from some toxic, abusive situations in her home.
(12:13):
And furthermore, the more she achieved and was recognized for
all the activities she did at school, the more the
abusive parents would show up and give verbal affirmation. So
you can imagine how this would create some disorganized attachment
on one end, like I need to work all the
time to be physically safe from an imminent threat in
(12:36):
my home as a child, And on the other hand,
if I continue to work hard, I'll actually get some
real love and validation from my caretakers. But in that moment,
workaholic is absolutely born. So we talked about, you know,
the two kinds of achievers. There are people who are
moving toward a goal that is bigger than themselves. But
(12:59):
in this example with this client, that's somebody who's got
an away from goal that they're engaging in the behavior
just to run away from physical pain. And if you're
a person who identifies as a workaholic, this is what
we want to get clear on and this could be
the biggest determining factor on whether you're a hard worker
(13:20):
or a workaholic. Are you moving toward a goal that
energizes you, light you up and you can bring that
positive energy home and share it with the people around
you where you're fully engaged with life. Or is the
working really driven by anxiety and is it driven by
your attachment patterns. You've heard me talk about this idea
(13:43):
a lot about childhood attachments. You know, people who are
anxious attachment will collapse on themselves because they are seeking
approval or validation. The anxious attachment employee who is working
all the time is doing it because they want to
be liked. You know, there's taken on the work of
six people because they can't say no and they're terrified
(14:05):
that they're going to let their boss down. You know,
somebody who is avoidant attachment will stay in the office
all the time because there is some other emotional content
they're trying not to feel. They don't want to engage
at home because the marriage is on the rocks and
they don't want to have the tough conversation. And in
either case, all this time at work creates a lot
(14:27):
of tension, and it creates a lot of unpleasant emotions.
You're either anxious that you're going to get fired if
you're not doing enough, or you know, you're just taking
on the work because you don't even think that you
can ask for help. Isn't avoidant, You're like, iff it,
I'll do it all myself because I cried out as
a kid and nobody showed up for me, So I've
got to do all this on my own. So you
(14:48):
can stay chained to the desk. And yet there are
very real consequences that happened on the back end of this.
Spouses and partners of workaholics will be the ones who
complain that their partner is never there. And even if
they're they're physically, they're not present emotionally, they're always tuned out,
their faces buried in the cell phone because they can't
(15:08):
get away from work for two seconds. The divorce rate
where one spouse is a workaholic is compared to sixteen
percent in marriages where no spouse identifies as a workaholic.
Other research suggests that while men work significantly more as workaholics,
(15:31):
that this affects women to eighty five percent of men,
what an insane number, are working more than forty hours
a week. But ladies, sixties seven percent of you are
doing the same thing. American workers putting in nearly five
hundred more working hours every year than people in France.
That's like adding an additional twelve weeks of work every year.
(15:53):
And we become vacation avoidance. We're afraid work will pile
up out of our absence, that there's that there's going
to be too much to do when we come back.
So this is why literally half of the workforce last
year left vacation days on the table, and a little
more than one in five employees left a week or
more a vacation on the table. And what about physical health? Symptoms.
(16:17):
We know that workaholics are more prone to things like
high cholesterol, high blood pressure, cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, you name it,
not even to mention, you know, things like depression and anxiety.
But there's been some research that Harvard commissioned and what
they found as employees who worked long hours but didn't
(16:38):
obsess about work in their off hours actually reported fewer
health complaints than employees who demonstrated workaholism. Workaholics, whether or
not they worked more hours, reported more health complaints, including
more sleep problems, more cynicism, more emotional exhaustion, higher blood pressure,
(17:00):
are in cholesterol, more depression, you name it. So what
are the top five signs of being a workaholic? Of
workaholics say that they prioritize work before their personal life,
say that they worry about work on a day off.
Have of workaholics say that they struggle to switch off
(17:22):
when they're on vacation forty percent it meant to getting
up in the middle of the night just to check
email and say that they're the first person in the
office and the last to leave. So the question is
what do we do about all this? If you are
a workaholic, If you're married to a workaholic, what becomes
(17:44):
the action steps that are going to help you move
forward with grace and with ease and with a sense
of peace. You know, one of the big hallmarks of
workaholism is literally they get anxious when they're not working.
So what do you need to do? Number one, You
have got to uncover the real issue because work is
(18:05):
not the issue. It's anxiety. It's fear of rejection. It
is the fear of asking for help or the inability
to trust other people to delegate work. The issues could
be a craving for approval. And it's all about your
attachment patterns. You know, how you learn to connect emotionally
(18:25):
and psychologically as a child with your caregivers will show
up in your work relationship, just as it will in
your romantic relationships and in your relationship to money with
risk taking, etcetera. This is we're having a qualified coach
or mentor is going to be everything for you. If
you're simply trying to treat the problem at the level
(18:45):
of the behavior and saying, Wow, Okay, I'm just gonna
work less this week, your nervous system is not on
board with that. Just like the client I shared earlier
who have a lot of childhood trauma wrapped up in
the need to work. Your nervous system for some reason,
does not feel safe to shut it off. And until
that gets addressed, you're going to stay on the hamster wheel.
(19:08):
It's gonna be another lost year, and you'll be doing
it in five years, ten years, until your family is
standing over you on your deathbed. That's the reality issue,
number one. We've got to uncover the real issue. And
I also want to give you four questions that you
can start to journal on on your own that will
help you begin this process. This is not the end all,
(19:30):
be all, but I think it is a great starting point.
Number One. If you're a workaholic, I want you to
consider what am I trying to prove? Why do you
feel like you're somehow incomplete or not enough? What is
putting in all these hours? What how is it meeting
a need for you? And what are you trying to prove?
And who are you trying to prove it too? By
(19:50):
the way, I think that those are all very interesting
questions as a starting point. Number two, what am I
trying to escape by working so much? This question can
work for any addictive behavior, alcohol, drugs, sex, you name it.
You know, at the end of the day, we engage
in compulsive or addictive behavior is because we don't want
(20:11):
to feel your smartphone same way. Have you ever been
anxious or been nervous about starting a new project and
perfectionism kicks in. You're like, oh my god, what if
I do it wrong? And then you're scrolling through Instagram?
What is it that you're trying to escape? Number three?
What do I need in this moment when I want
to go back to my computer at night, when I
(20:33):
want to be in my cell phone? What do I
really need? Is it reassurance? Is it love? Is it connection?
What is the emotional need that you're trying to meet
in that moment? Because whatever that emotional need is, if
you're going to work sixty hours a week in order
to meet it, that's a low level coping mechanism. It's
(20:56):
not sustainable. We want to find higher level days for
you to meet the need, which is why the fourth
question is how can I give myself that thing that
I'm craving in a healthy way. You know, if working
hard gives you a sense of love and appreciation, so
can being present with your children. So can being present
with a spouse, So can calling up an old friend
(21:19):
and meeting them for coffee can meet that need for connection.
What is the void you're trying to fill and how
do you meet it in a healthy way? Those four
questions become everything. So the second step that I want
to give you here if you're trying to overcome workaholism
in twenty is you've got to pay attention to your
personal life. You have got to find meaning and other
(21:40):
things besides work, because you know what your job is
not going to be there with you when you're on
your deathbed one day. You know all the stock options,
the employee of the Year trophies, What are they gonna
mean when you're laying there taking those last few breaths.
Life is about relationships. You can find value in that.
(22:03):
You can find value in hobbies. You can find it
in your religion or your spirituality. You can find value
in your personal health. But once you start to look
for meaning in other areas, the compulsive need to find
it in work will dissipate. And I'm not talking about
don't work hard, but work hard in something that is
adding value to your life. And let's get your priorities.
(22:26):
In line number three, let's set a discipline schedule. You
know you have got to make an agreement. Can we
try it for a week that you are out of
the office every day by five thirty at the latest.
You show up on time, you work hard, you work
with productivity, and then whatever is not done, you leave
(22:48):
it on the desk and you get to it the
next day. You know the most important thing that you
can do. I go through so many goal setting systems
with my clients. But if you know what the three
most important goals that are in front of you right now,
and you are taking the three action steps to achieve
them every day, you're doing better than ninety nine percent
(23:09):
of the world. So let's get disciplined about the schedule.
Let's get intentional, and also step number four. I want
you to be intentional just about disconnecting. When you're on
the job, you be the best sales executive or doctor
or coder or mechanic in the world. You do the
best that you can at that job. But when you're
(23:30):
not at work, be the best that you can be
in those other areas of your life. Be the best
parent that you can be, Be the best friend, be
the best sibling, be the best son or daughter. Turn
off the email, turn off your business phone. You cut
off the WiFi in your house after seven thirty at night,
and I promise the work will still be waiting for
(23:52):
you the next morning. The other thing is is you've
got to start using the vacation time. These numbers about
the vacation statistics seem to inch up a little bit
more every year. You know you're hoarding these personal days
for god knows what. But the people who are taking
vacations are happier, They're more fulfilled, they have better perspective,
(24:14):
they have expanded awareness because they've gone out and seen
the world they're experiencing other cultures take advantage of it.
It's there for a reason. And finally, the last step
that I would give you is stop suffering in silence.
Reach out and ask for support. Find a coach, find
a therapist, talk to your spouse. I go all the
(24:36):
way back to the listener email that I shared at
the top of the podcast. How do we build closer
relationships with our significant other? We do it through intimacy.
We do it through telling the truth and speaking up
about what's true for us and what we're experiencing having
somebody who can be there for you in a really
low point and and empathize with you and love you
(24:59):
and support you through it. That's the best feeling in
the world. But so many times we're afraid to go
there because of old childhood patterns. We don't think that
we can speak up, we don't think that somebody will
meet us halfway, and we never ask for what we
need because most of the time we don't even know.
We just operate from the same pattern of trying to,
you know, consume our needs outside of ourselves, rather than
(25:21):
going within and knowing who we are and what it
is we really want. And here's the thing. I give
this message to you today because it's the same message
I need to hear myself, and I see entrepreneurs do this,
so many people in the coaching space. So we're still
hustling and grinding, and especially in the work that I do.
So much of my content is put out online. There's videos,
(25:42):
and there's quote cards, and there's social media, and it
can blur the line for me between what is work
and what is me just trying to get my own
dopamine hit from seeing how many likes and Instagram video. God.
So this is something that I still experience even though
I'm doing work that is my toward goal. Like, I
am so moved by this cause of helping people, you know,
(26:06):
overcome their patterns and create both a career and a
life that they want to get out of bed four
in the morning. This is my life's work, this is
my mission. But I can still have an unhealthy relationship
to the work because I've got old patterns that say,
oh my God, if you're not working hard enough, then
you can't be successful. You gotta go, go, go, go go.
Some of that programming that was instilled in me early on.
(26:29):
And God, I was the guy in high school who
was working two different jobs and a big part of
that even for me, was just getting out of the
house and away from some of the abuse that was
going on in my own home. So I recognize, I
recognize a lot of these traits within myself. But what
I would leave you with today is this. The average
(26:49):
life expectancy for a human being is seventies six years old.
Now I don't know how old you are because we
haven't spoken yet, but in my world, I've got thirty
three years left on this planet. Satistically speaking, how do
you want to use them? Do you want to use
them in a way that brings you joy? What are
the experiences that you want to look back on one day,
you know, in those final moments, and have gratitude for.
(27:12):
Do you think that the thing is going to fill
you up is going to be because you became you know,
salesperson of the month for January twenty for crushing the
budget goals? Do you think that your life is going
to be fulfilled because you increased that shareholder value by
four percent in quarter one? And not that those aren't
a benefit. You could be very successful doing those things.
(27:35):
But my question is is does it fulfill your soul?
How does it feel to you? Does it feel expansive
when you're doing that or is there part of you
that feels a little guilty? Do you feel the shame
because you know you're not showing up in other areas
of your life. You're not showing up for your physical health,
You're not showing up in your relationships with the presence
(27:56):
that you would like you deserve a year and a
life that works for you. But I'm telling you life
work balance does not work. If you were depleted stressed
out and run into the ground because of your job.
So what will your life look and feel like another
year from now? If nothing changes, what's going to be
the cost to your health, to your self esteem? If
(28:18):
there's another year of broken promises, what's going to be
the impact on your children? By the way, most of
my clients also have got some story about Hey, mom
and dad were always working, they were never there. I
had to take care of myself, or they weren't really
emotionally present for me. So the one way I could
get attention from them is to work really hard and
accomplish some stuff. Is that the dynamic that you want
(28:38):
to continue. It's probably gone on for generations in your family.
It's time to let it go. It is time to
step into an amplified life and career. I hope that
today helps you get there. To recap the major points,
workaholism has nothing to do with the number of hours
you work. It has everything to do with the way
that you relate to your work and are you able
(29:00):
to shut it off after hours and very quickly. The
steps that you need to take Number one, uncover the
real issue. Find a coach, your mentor who can help
you with your attachment patterns so you can better understand
why you do the things you do. Then you can
change your life at the level of belief instead of
the level of behavior. Number two, we want to make
(29:22):
your personal life a priority this year. We want to
set a discipline schedule. We want to get you unplugged
and off the electronics. You set the time that you
want to do it, but the more time you're away
from the phone, the more time you can engage with life.
Use your vacation time. Don't leave it on the table
this year. And number six, don't suffer alone. Get some
(29:45):
support because you deserve it and you're worth it. I
love you, I appreciate you. If it's something that I
can help you with, this is my jam. These are
the conversations that I'd love to have with people. You
can apply for v I P Coaching at my website
Creative Soul Coaching dot net, or you can just DM
me on Instagram. You can tag me at c SC
(30:07):
Dan Mason don't forget. You can also screenshot this podcast
upload it to Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to tag
me so I can shout you out. But please share
this with the people in your life who need it,
because again, even if you have a healthy relationship with work,
you know people close to you who do not. So
please pass this on and if you're moved to do so.
(30:29):
I always appreciate your five star ratings and reviews up
on Apple, or you can give me a follow here
on the I Heart Radio app or whatever podcast platform
you're listening on. In the meantime, turn down the volume
on your negativity, turn up the volume on your purpose
so you can live life amplified. I'll talk to you
next week.
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