A Confession by Leo Tolstoy - Chapter 10

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter ten of a confession by Leo Tolstoy, translated by Almermaud.
This LibriVox recordings in the public domain. I understood this,
but it made matters no better for me. I was
now ready to accept any faith, if only it did
not demand me a direct denial of reason, which would
have been a falsehood. And I studied Buddhism and Mohammedianism
from books, and most of all, I studied Christianity, both

(00:22):
from books and from the people around me. Naturally, I
first of all turned to the orthodox of my circle,
to the people who were learned, to church theologians monks,
to theologians of the newest shade, and even to evangelicals
who professed salvation by belief in the Redemption. And I
seized on these believers and questioned them as to their
beliefs in their understanding of the meaning of life. But

(00:43):
though I made all possible concessions and avoided all disputes,
I could not accept the faith of these people. I
saw that what they gave out as their faith did
not explain the meaning of life, but obscured it, and
that they themselves affirmed their belief not to answer the
question of life which brought me to faith, but for
some other aims alien to me. I remember the painful
feeling of fear of being thrown back into my former

(01:04):
state of despair after the hope I had often and
often experienced in my intercourse with these people. The more
fully they explained to me their doctrines, the more clearly
that I perceived their error and realized that my hope
of finding in their belief and explanation of the meaning
of life was vain. It was not that in their
doctrines they mixed many unnecessary and unreasonable things with Christian
truths that had always been near to me. That was

(01:25):
not what repelled me. I was repelled by the fact
that these peoples's lives were like my own, with only
this difference that such a life did not correspond to
the principles they expounded in their teachings. I clearly felt
that they deceived themselves, and that they, like myself, found
no other meaning in life than to live while life lasts,
taking all one's hands conceize. I saw this because if
they had had a meaning which destroyed the fear of loss, suffering,

(01:47):
and death, they would not have feared these things. But
they these believers of our circle, just like myself, lived
in sufficiency and superfluity, trying to increase to preserve them,
feared privations, suffering, and death, just like myself and all
of us. Non believers lived to satisfy their desires and
live just as badly, if not worse than the unbelievers.
No arguments could convince me of the truth of their faith.

(02:09):
Only deeds which show that they saw a meaning in life,
making what was so dreadful to me poverty, sickness, and
death not dreadful to them, could convince me. And such
deeds I did not see among various believers of our circle.
On the contrary, I saw such deeds done by the
people of our circle who were the most unbelieving, but
never by those so called believers. And I understood that
the belief of these people was not the faith I sought,

(02:31):
and that their faith is not a real faith, but
an epicurean consolation in life. I understood that that faith
may serve, if not for a consolation, then at least
is some distraction for a repentant Solomon upon his deathbed,
But it cannot serve for the great majority of mankind,
who are called out not to amuse themselves while consuming
the labor of others, but to create life for all humanity,

(02:52):
to be able to live and continue to live, attributing
a meaning to life, they those millards, must have a
different real knowledge of faith. Indeed, it was not the
fact that we, with Solomon and Schopenhauer, did not kill
ourselves that convinced me the existence of faith, but the
fact that those millards of people have lived in our
living and had bored Solomon and us on the current
of their lives. And I began to draw nearer to

(03:14):
those believers among the poor, simple, unlettered folk, pilgrims, monks, sectarians,
and peasants. The faith of these common people was the
same Christian faith as was professed by the pseudo believers
of our circle. Among them, too, I found a great
deal of superstition mixed with the Christian truths. But the
difference was that the superstitions of the believers of our
circle were quite unnecessary to them and were not in

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conformity with their lives, being merely a kind of Epicurean diversion.
But the superstitions of the believers among the laboring masses
conformed so with their lives, that it was impossible to
imagine them to oneself without these superstitions, which were a
necessary condition of their life. The whole life of the
believers in our circle was a contradiction of their faith.
But the whole life of the working folk believers was

(03:56):
a confirmation of the meaning of life which their faith
gave them. And I began to look into the meaning
of life and faith to these people, And the more
I considered it, the more I became convinced that they
have a real faith, which is necessary to them, and
alone gives their life a meaning and makes it possible
for them to live. In contrast with what I had
seen in our circle, where the whole of life is
passed in idleness, amusements, and dissatisfaction, I saw that the

(04:18):
whole of the life of these people was passed in
heavy labor, and that they were content with life. In
conterdistinction to the way in which people of our circle
oppose faith and complain of it on account of deprivations
and sufferings, these people accepted illness and sorrow without any
perplexity or opposition, and with a quiet, firm conviction that
all is good. In counterdistinction to us, who the wiser

(04:39):
we are, the less we understand the meaning of life,
and sees some evil irony in the fact that we
suffer and die. These folks live and suffer, and they
approach death and suffering with tranquility and in the most
cases gladly. In contrast to the fact that a tranquil death,
a death without horror and despair, is a very rare
exception in our circle, A troubled, rebellious, and unhappy death

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is the rarest exception among the people. And such people
lacking all that for us and for Solomon, is the
only good of life, and yet experiencing the greatest happiness,
are in a great multitude. I looked more widely around me.
I considered the life of the enormous, massive people in
the past and the present, and of such people understanding
the meaning of life and able to live and to die.
I saw it not two or three or tens, but hundreds, thousands,

(05:22):
and millions, And they all endlessly different in their manners, minds,
educational and position as they were all alike in complete
contrast to my ignorance, knew the meaning of life and death,
labored quietly, endured deprivations, and sufferings, and lived and died,
seeing therein not vanity but good. And I learned to
love these people. The more I came to know their life,
the life of those who are living and of those

(05:44):
who are dead by whom I have read had heard,
the more I loved them, and the easier it became
for me to live. So I went on for about
two years, and a change took place in me which
had long been preparing, and the promise of which had
always been in me. It came about that the life
of our circle, the rich and learned, not merely became
distaste to me, but lost all meaning in my eyes.
All our actions, discussions, science, and art presented itself to

(06:06):
me in a new light. I understood that it is
all merely self indulgence, and that to find a meaning
in it is impossible. While the life of the whole,
wavering people, the whole mankind who produced life, appeared to
me in its true significance. I understood that that is
life itself, and that the meaning given to that life
is true. And I accepted it. End of Chapter ten