All Episodes

April 22, 2025 • 23 mins
Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
A Perfect Gentleman on Wheels by H. G. Wells. This
is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
LibriVox dot org. Read by CHRISTA Zeleski, A Perfect Gentleman
on Wheels A bicycling adventure and what came of it.

(00:23):
It was the stirring of spring, the tendency of fashion,
and the ghost of a sneer drove him to it.
More particularly the ghost of a sneer. It was the
tragedy of his life that he admired her, and he
struggled against her in vain. She was frankly antipathetic. You
might have called her anything before you would have called
her shekh. At times he had to admit that she

(00:45):
was to tell the dreadful truth robust. Moreover, the most
exquisite epigrams, the prettiest turns of wit, would often as
not simply make her stare and laugh only too evidently
at him. And yet when healthy philistine school girl asked him,
do you ever venture beyond the park, mister Crampton, it's sufficed,

(01:07):
he told his mother plainly, his honor was involved, and
an irreverent porter saw him already heated, wheeling his machine
upstairs from the Sutton platform, And there are few things
less adapted to go upstairs with any pretense to grace
on his way to Brighton and her. His machine, like himself,
was a little over dressed. We are far from a

(01:27):
sound criticism of bicycles. Chocolate enameled it was, with translucent
mud guards and the daintiest white handles, and the gear
case was of filmy celluloid, with a sort of metal
dab like a metal upon it. He wore a cocked hat,
or at least one of those brown felt hats that
ought to be called cocked hats, whatever the proper name
for them may be, and to distinguish himself from the

(01:50):
common cycling cad among other reasons, he wore trousers. The
brown of his clothing was apt to his machine, and
his tie white and pretty. And when the vulgar cabman
outside Sutton station called new woman after him, he pretended
not to hear and went on mounting his machine. All
across the road. He was quite a sight to see

(02:10):
riding up the road toward Belmont, and the sun was
so struck by his spick and span appearance, that he
picked out every line of enanmel and metal on him
and dazzled the passer by therewith something like a thing
to shine on, said the sun. Just look at this,
and did you ever? In the excess of his admiration,
he had begun his ride from London to Brighton at Sutton,

(02:33):
which was generous treatment for London in the geographical sense.
His mother, he was her only son, had gone to
Brighton by train. The Fentans were there also, and the
juxtaposition had its quality of design. His mother had devoted
her life to him. She held that he was delicate
and knowing the dreadfulness of public schools, almost as well
as Oscar Browning, had kept him by her under a

(02:55):
progressive series of amenable tutors, making a perfect gentleman of him.
Arding to her lights. And Madge Fenton, with her half
share in Fenton's safe Cure, was just the fit mate
for the sole proprietor of Crampton's Meat Juice. It was
quite a mother's plan to marry her son and yet
keep him in the family, and certainly he appreciated Madge,

(03:16):
though her attitude was a little doubtful yet the steady
pressure of her elders was bound to win in the
long run, and she was a good girl as times go.
The road from Sutton to burg Heath looks like any
other road on a map, but unlike the generality of
roads known to mister Crampton, it persistently went up hill.
It was already going up hill at Sutton station, and

(03:39):
it went on pretty steeply for a space, but with
an air of lits being a last effort. Then round
a bend came a view of a huge industrial home,
and another last effort, then a clear interval even down
hill to Belmont's station, and then it started off again,
fresh as a daisy. It went up hill visibly for
a mile to Banstead station, and then masked by trees,

(04:01):
it continued to go up hill. Mister Crampton was surprised,
but the day was young and his man had oiled
and adjusted his machine to a nicety, so he stuck
to it, riding steady and swinging a cigarette in the
disengaged hand, until recently a bounder with a machine that
went clank became audible behind him. To mister Crampton, the

(04:21):
idea of being overhauled by a member of the lower classes,
was distasteful and relying on the clank and the excellence
of his machine. He threw away the cigarette and quickened
his pace. Thereupon the bounder rang his bell. It was
a beast of a cheap bell, and the clanking grew
more frequent and louder, until it was close behind mister Crampton.
After a sharp spurt, mister Crampton decided that he would

(04:43):
not race after all, and the bounder drew alongside. He
was quite the most dreadful type of bounder, with a
machine with a loose mud guard and a speckled bell.
He had a very dirty suit of sea t se
gray and a perspiring red face with a strip of
damp hair across his forehead. And he had the cheek
to speak to mister Crampton. Pretty jigger, said the bounder.

(05:06):
Mister Crampton was so startled he wobbled and almost collided.
I beg your pardon, he said, in a repressive tone.
Nice looking machine you've got. Mister Crampton was at quite
a loss for words, but he was determined to shut
the fellow up promptly. I'm afraid I can't say the
same of yours, he said at length. No, it isn't
up to much, said the bounder, cheerfully, Are you going far?

(05:28):
Because if so, two girls, possibly nice girls, appeared riding
down toward them, they might think that he and bounder
were traveling together. It's no business of yours, said mister Crampton.
Where I'm going? And something indistinct about damned impertinence, lord,
said the bounder. No offense. It took him a minute
to digest. Then he said something over his shoulder to

(05:51):
mister Crampton that was lost, and putting his head down
below his shoulders went clanking off at a great pace,
his shoulders moving with his feet in a manner entirely
dis Mister Crampton rode quite erect and with only one
hand on the handle, to show that he was not racing,
until the girls were well past him, and then he dismounted.
This internal hill was tiresome, and he did not want

(06:14):
to overtake the bounder. Walking one could notice the fine
growth of green with which the hedges were speckled, and
the gum exuding chestnut buds and the dead nettles were
all in flour. In fact, it was a pleasant change
from the saddle for a man who was not a scorcher.
And at last he came to Burgheath, As this seemed
to be a sort of village green he mounted again.

(06:35):
Some way along was a little sweet stuff shop, and
outside was the bounder's machine. The bounder was in the
doorway with his hands in his pockets eating. He looked
round at mister Crampton and immediately looked away again with
a hollow pretense of self esteem, and away down a hill,
mister Crampton was passed by a tandem bicycle. He overtook
its riders, a girl and a man walking the next ascent.

(06:58):
They seemed to be father and daughter, the father a sturdy,
red bearded man with very fat legs, and the daughter
decidedly pretty. She was dressed in greenish gray and had
red hair. Mister Crampton was very glad indeed that he
had got rid of the bounder. Forthwith, he had to
set his teeth to get up the hill, but of
course it was impossible to dismount. And then came a

(07:19):
run down, and then a long gentle slope that was
rather trying with a pretty girl on the tandem behind.
That is to keep one in the saddle. Ryegate Hill
came none too soon to give mister Crampton a decent
excuse for dismounting, so he put the machine carefully where
it looked well on the turf, and took out his
silver cigarette case and was in his attitude, ready looking

(07:40):
over the clustering town and broad Blue wheeled as the
tandem couple came walking down the hill. So far the
ride had been very pleasant. After that, the bounder hot
and panting, He came toward the turf as if contemplating
a lounge, and his eye caught the chocolate bicycle. He
glanced swiftly up at mister Crampton and went in intonately
down the hill toward town. Visibly discomfited, mister Crampton lunched

(08:04):
in Rygate. It was in the afternoon that his adventures
really began, as he rode toward Crawley. The morning's ride
had told on him, and three Gates had the honor
of supporting him for leisurely intervals between Ryegate and Horley.
Cyclists became frequent, and as they went by. During his
sessions on the gate, he smoked ostentatiously, or after he

(08:25):
had smoked sufficiently sketched in a little Morocco bound sketch book,
just to show that he was not simply resting, And
among others, a very pretty girl flashed by unaccompanied. Now
mister Crampton, in spite of his regard for Madge, was
not averse to dreams of casual romance. And the bicycle
in its earlier phases, has a peculiar influence upon the imagination.

(08:48):
To ride out from the familiar locality into strange roads,
stretching away into the unknown, to be free to stop
or go on, irrespective of hour or companion, inevitably brings
the adventurers side uppermost, and mister Crampton, descending from his
gate and mounting not two minutes after she had passed,
presently overtook her near the cross road to Horley, wheeling

(09:10):
her machine. She had a charmingly cut costume, and her
hair was a pleasant brown, and her ear, as one
came riding up behind her, was noticeably pretty. She had
punctured the tire of her hind wheel. It ran flat
and flaccid. The case was legible a hundred yards off. Now,
this is the secret desire of all lone men who
go down into the country on wheels, the proffered help,

(09:32):
the charming talk, the idyllic incident, who knows what delightful developments,
so that a great joy came to mister Crampton. He
dismounted a little way behind her, advanced gracefully proffered the
repair outfit in his wallet. He had never attempted to
repair a tire before, and so he felt confident of
his ability. The young lady was inclined to be distant

(09:54):
at first, which was perfectly correct of her, But seeing
that it was four miles to Crawley, and mister Crampton
a mere boy and evidently of a superior class, she
presently accepted his services. So, coming to a convenient grass
he placed at a cross road, mister Crampton turned the
machine over on its saddle and handles, severely bruising his

(10:14):
knee as he did so, and went quietly and methodically
to work it. Being then about three o'clock in the
afternoon and the sun very bright and warm, he talked
to her easily. Where had she punctured? She did not
quite know. She had only just noticed that the tire
was all flabby, a very unpleasant discovery, said mister Crampton.
We must see just what precisely is the matter. It's

(10:36):
very kind of you, she said, Are you sure you
can spare the time? I'm merely running down to Brighton,
he said, I couldn't think of leaving you in this predicament.
Mister Crampton had, of course no mechanic's knowledge of bicycles,
but he knew the things were very simple. He knew
he had to remove the tire, and it did not
take him long to discover that in order to remove

(10:57):
the tire he would have to remove the wheel. How
to get the wheel off was a little puzzling at first.
It was evident the chain would have to come away.
That involved operations with a dress guard and a gear case.
It's an inductive process, said mister Crampton, lightly concealing a
faint qualm of doubt, and setting to work on the
gear case. They're frightfully complicated things, she said. These machinery

(11:21):
people make them rather stupidly, said mister Crampton. I shouldn't
dare take the thing to pieces as you are doing.
It's very simple, really. I think men are always so
much cleverer than girls of this sort of thing. Mister
Crampton did not answer for a second. You've blackened your fingers,
she said. It was very nice and friendly of her,
but a little distracting. She kept stepping about on the

(11:43):
growing circle of nuts, chains, screw hammer, Rauscher's and so
forth about mister Crampton, and made many bright, intelligent little
remarks that required answering. And she really was pretty. Mister
Crampton still continued to enjoy the incident, in spite of
his blackened hands on the heat of the day and
the quite remarkable softness of the knots on her machine.

(12:03):
If we are better at machine mending and that sort
of thing, he said, you have your consolations. I don't
think so. The emotions, said mister Crampton. But men have
emotions as girls have. Bicycles, said mister Crampton, with the
air of a neat thing, mislaying the pin of the
chain and proceeding to pull out the wheel. The removal
of the tire was the turning point of the affair.

(12:24):
It simply would not come off the rim These detachable,
said mister Crampton. He had to ask her to pull,
and the struggle was violent for a moment, and a
spoke got bent. Then he pinched her finger severely. He
knew the operation depended upon a knack, and as he
was ashamed of not knowing the knack, he pretended to
be doing something else. When a man's cyclist went by.

(12:45):
Three little children came by and seemed profoundly interested until
mister Crampton stopped and stared steadily at them. Then each
began edging behind the other, and so they receded, and
a tramp offered ingenious but impractical suggestions. Auntil mister Crampton
gave him sixpence to take them away. Then came the
tandem he had seen in the morning, going londonward, and

(13:06):
the old gentleman insisted on knowing what was the matter,
beastly officious of him. We can't remove the tire, said
the young lady, a little needlessly. Crampton thought, simple enough,
said the old gentleman, in abominable taste. It was simple
in his hands. In a minute the tire lay detached.
I can manage now, thanks, said mister Crampton, rather stiffly.

(13:26):
Quite sure, said the old gentleman. Quite said mister Crampton,
with a quiet stare, And the old gentleman mounted his machine.
For of course, mister Crampton trusted to the directions on
his repair outfit as any one would. Thank you very much, indeed,
said the young lady. No trouble at all, said the
old gentleman, and off he rode. The next misunderstanding was
entirely due to the silly, vague way in which the

(13:48):
directions on the box were written. Really, you had to
stick the round patch thing into the puncture, but mister
Crampton read rather carelessly, and first of all cut out
a circular place in the air chamber, and seeing it
was not quite round, he cut a little larger, and
so on until it was a little too big for
the patch thing. The young lady had been silent for
the last ten minutes or so, watching mister Crampton's face,

(14:11):
but now she asked, suddenly, are you sure that is
the right thing to do? It says so on the box,
said mister Crampton, looking up with a smile. But I
really don't see how we are to manage it quite,
do you know, said the young lady. I wanted to
be in Crawley by four. It was a little rude
of her, but mister Crampton looked at his watch. It
was five minutes past four. Dear me, he said, agreeably.

(14:33):
Time has flown, and suddenly he remembered he was twenty
six miles from Brighton. I think, do you know, said
the young lady. If you don't mind, I will wheel
my machine. After all, it seems such a long job
mending it, and really, and Crawley the man, these local
fellows aren't always quite reliable. I'm frightfully sorry, you know,
not to have got it right just at once. But

(14:54):
it was very kind of you to try, she said,
do you know, said mister Crampton, even now where the
thing really interested him. His idea was to try a
piece of paper smeared with solution, but it did not work,
and at quarter past four he began putting the machine
together with nothing but a neat circular opening cut in
the air tube of the tire to show for his
wasted hour. His interest was fading, and the girl's manner

(15:17):
was not so nice as it had been, And curiously enough,
the wheel would not go on right, and there was
difficulty about the chain. One or two of the little
nut things must have got themselves lost in the grass.
And trivial though they were, this complicated the business. Mister
Crampton was becoming painfully aware that his hands were black
and his cuffs crumpled. He suddenly felt tired and disgusted

(15:39):
at the whole absurd incident, and seeing the growing impatience
of the girl, he hurried the rebuilding indiscreetly, using his
wrench as a hammer when necessary. The eyes of passers
by seemed ironical. Bicycles are odd things. He made it
look all right except the gear case, which he had
trodden on, But when he stood it up right way up,
the chain flapped about. The gear case in the wheel

(16:01):
would not go round. He tried what a little force
would do, but only produced curious clanking noises. It was
a most disappointing incident. And although the girl was indisputably pretty,
curiously devoid of any real romantic quality, it doesn't seem
right quite yet, she said, I'm afraid not, said mister Crampton,
rather red in the face, holding the machine by saddle

(16:22):
and handle and looking at it in a speculative way.
It was really rather a difficult situation, and he was
trying to think what to do next. It came of
being a gentleman, of course, and chivalrous bounders would have
ridden by in the first place without attempting to help.
He wanted very badly to swear, and it was very clear,
indeed in his mind, that he ought to be riding
on his self. Control was admirable. I'm afraid it's no go,

(16:46):
he said, looking up and smiling. She was looking quite
straightly at him. There was no appearance of anger in
her manner, but she remarked quietly. I don't think you
ought to have touched my machine. I'm afraid you know
very little about them. Mister Crampton perceived at once that
she was not a lady. All the more reason he
told himself that he should assert himself a gentleman. It

(17:08):
seems to me, he said, that I can do very
little good in this case. It seems so to me,
she said, annoyed to find him not humiliated. There came
a rhythmic clanking on the road, and the red, damp
haired bounder in gray, whom mister Crampton had snubbed at Banstead,
going londerward now and riding laboriously, drew nearer. Ullo, he
said softly to himself, as he passed nothing wrong. Positively,

(17:32):
she answered him. Mister Crampton did not notice it because
he was looking at the machine, but she must have
done so. The bounder was already some yards down the road,
but he dismounted with such alacrity that he almost tumbled over.
He flung his machine into the hedge in a fine,
careless way and came back. What is it? He said? Nothing,
said mister Crampton, full of angry shame. Had a tumble miss,

(17:53):
asked the bounder nodded all abashed, with his eye on
the bent mud guard. I can manage very well, thank you,
said mister Crampton. Let's have a look at the jigger,
said the bounder, advancing, and suddenly became aware that he
had met this obstructive person in brown before he looked
at the girl. Please let the gentleman see, said the
young lady quietly. At that, mister Crampton's temper gave way entirely.

(18:16):
Very well, he said, quite crossly. I understood I was
to mend your machine. I've wasted an hour on it,
steady on, said the boundery, very quietly, bending down and
looking at the machine. I didn't know you wanted to stop.
Every man that came along, said mister Crampton suddenly exasperated
to insult. Steady on, said the bounder again. Mister Crampton
replied with a look of freezing contempt. When you were

(18:39):
rude to me, said the bounder, looking up. I'll let
you alone, but if you're going to be rude to
this young lady, I shall just punch your head. See
I'm an engine fitter, and it don't take that to
see you've been pretty near knockin out all the quality
of a valuable machine. Mister Crampton was breathless with anger.
I'm quite prepared to pay for any damage I've done,
he said. Neither of them had the manners to answer,

(19:00):
so he stood quite a minute, trembling with indignation. Mister
Crampton picked up his machine, mounted a little clumsily, and
rode off. He rode very fast until he was round
the bend, just to show how angry he was. For
a space he was boiling with rage. Then he laughed
aloud in a sardonic fashion. Of all possible experiences, he said, ha, ha,

(19:20):
and this comes up trying to help a fellow creature.
The sardonic mood remained. He hated every human being in Crawley,
both on the right hand side and the left. Most
of them, from their manner, seemed to be aware of
his recent indignities. He rested at Crawley an hour, hating
people quietly but steadily, and thinking of alternatives to his
sayings and doings with the Bounder and the young Lake.

(19:40):
It was six when he rode on again, and the
sun was setting. A mile out of Crawley, he came
to a long, dark hill. Twilight came as a surprise,
and with it came in acute sense of fatigue. He dismounted.
Presently he mounted again. It was difficult to decide which
progress was most tiring, a foot or a wheel, and
this was pleasure. An acute realization of the indestructible, vulgarity

(20:03):
of cycling came into his mind, a dirty, fatiguing pursuit
that put one at the mercy of every impudent cad
one met. He began to stamp with his feet and
use words that even his mother's care had not prevented
his learning. The road before him was dark, interminable, impossible.
He saw a milestone dimly and went to it with
a lingering hope that providence might have interposed on his

(20:24):
behalf and cut out a dozen miles or so. But
there it was Brighton twenty miles. And then comes a mystery.
Within ninety minutes, mister Crampton was alighting outside the Best
Society Hotel at Brighton. There is a railway station at
three bridges. But I hold that an author should respect
the secrets of his characters. There was no incriminatory ticket
on his machine, and he never gave any one the

(20:46):
slightest ground for supposing he did anything but cycle the
whole way. His hat was awry, his clothes dirty, his
linen crumpled, and his hands and face and tie were
defiled with black from the young lady's chain. His mother
received him with effusion. She had grown nervous with the darkness.
My dear, dear cecil, she said, advancing, But how white
and tired you look, and the dust upon you she laid,

(21:08):
caressing fat hands upon his shoulder. Don't, said mister Crampton briefly,
and flung himself into a chair, scowling. You might give
a chap something to drink, he said, instead of standing there.
But after dinner he recovered and talked to her. Among
other things, he admitted he liked Madge and seemed to
take his mother's timid suggestions in a sympathetic spirit. But
I wish she didn't bicycle, he said, it's a bit common.

(21:31):
They lunched the next day with the Fentans. He waited
for his opportunity to score his point, making no attempt
to lead up to it, and so it did not
come off until late in the afternoon. Missus Crampton would
have boasted to Madge of his manliness in riding the
whole way, but for his express prohibition. No, he said,
quite calmly, in answer to some remark, I didn't train.
I wheeled down. Madge looked quite surprised. Fifty two miles,

(21:54):
she said, I don't know the distance, said mister Crampton.
It didn't seem so exceedingly long. The increase in her
respect was swift and evident. How long did it take you?
Six seven hours? I started about midday, but I didn't scorch,
you know, and I stopped for a half hour mending
a girl's tire. He tried to look as though he
had done nothing extraordinary. Here's ethel of all people, said

(22:17):
Missus Denton, rising my dear mister Crampton looked up, and
there in the doorway was the heroine of the punctured tire.
Madge rose too to welcome her friend and missed his expression.
And here is cousin cecil, she said, introducing mister Crampton.
The newcomer advanced brightly, stared, hesitated, and bowed coldly. Missus
Crampton never quite understood the business, because her son was

(22:40):
not only reticent but extremely irritable when questioned. Evidently the
young people had met before and were under considerable constraint.
She is inclined to think, from the subsequent incidents that
Ethel was a designing sort of girl who set Madge
against him with the idea of securing him herself in
that At any rate, she was disappointed. But the bright
and gathering was certainly a failure, and mister Crampton is

(23:02):
still not engaged yet. Seeing his position, it is odd
some girl has not snapped him up. Madge, silly girl
married a young doctor three months ago, and of a
perfect gentleman on wheels
Advertise With Us

Popular Podcasts

Dateline NBC

Dateline NBC

Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com

Stuff You Should Know

Stuff You Should Know

If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.

Law & Order: Criminal Justice System - Season 1 & Season 2

Law & Order: Criminal Justice System - Season 1 & Season 2

Season Two Out Now! Law & Order: Criminal Justice System tells the real stories behind the landmark cases that have shaped how the most dangerous and influential criminals in America are prosecuted. In its second season, the series tackles the threat of terrorism in the United States. From the rise of extremist political groups in the 60s to domestic lone wolves in the modern day, we explore how organizations like the FBI and Joint Terrorism Take Force have evolved to fight back against a multitude of terrorist threats.

Music, radio and podcasts, all free. Listen online or download the iHeart App.

Connect

© 2025 iHeartMedia, Inc.