A Little Snapshot

I fill you on the the past few months of dismembering & the remembering process (more to come, obv)

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, and welcome to a Girl Willing. It is your host,
Nicole McKenna, And oh my goodness, am I ever happy
to be here talking to you guys. I have been
really open that this last year has been a bit dismembering,
and I'm at a place where I'm like, Okay, I've

(00:21):
been remembered enough and I'm ready to get on here.
I put a pull or you know thing on Instagram saying, hey,
what do you guys want me to talk about on
the podcast? I guess there's some certain topics, and mostly
everyone said, give us all the goods, tell us everything.
I'm gonna do my best to recap where I've been

(00:45):
and what's been going on, and so thanks for being here.
I'm really happy to be here too. I think we're
I've really left off with sharing what was going on was,
you know, the math of divine union and what had
become present in my life with Ariol entering my world

(01:08):
and falling in love and you know the work that
comes along with that, having to you know, notice my
shadows and notice where I had a lot of work
to do. And so really that's kind of where the

(01:30):
year started for me, was was in that and I
was working on putting out the big programs. So Rich
Girl Realm was my first six month program and we
just are closing that up this month. And so it
was really in this like feeling really aligned, you know

(01:57):
ariol I. You know, I shared and I'll continue to
share how wonderful this man is. And I was really
in the like, yeah, just this love den at the
start of the year and heading into April, you know,

(02:18):
we're making plans about the future, and you know, he
has two children, I of course have Dawson, and just
integrating our families in a way that makes sense. They
had been integrating, you know, since the start of the
year really and making plans for our future. And so,

(02:40):
you know, it was in April we were like, Okay,
I think next April we're going to start trying for
a baby. Like that was our sort of like timeline roughly,
and I conceived Dawson in April at the end of April,
and I really liked that timeline. I love having a
January baby. I'm like, oh, yeah, let's start next next April.

(03:05):
And a couple of weeks later we found out that
this April we weren't really clear we weren't super clear
on the year, I suppose, and so there was a
soul really ready to come. And I found out I
was pregnant a couple of weeks into May, and you know,

(03:30):
I think there's there's so much you know, beauty and
magic and excitement and wonder and all of the things
that come with that. And also I experienced a ton
of flooding around that time. When I became pregnant with Dawson.

(03:55):
It was a really disempowered time of my life, and
you know, so much wounding and trauma and fear and
so after I had I didn't date at all with Dawson,

(04:18):
being a single mom for years and years and years.
And when I became willing to date when she was
much older, I was terrified of getting pregnant, Like I
had extreme fear. And it wasn't you know, like, oh,

(04:39):
this is my preference, and like I would prefer not
to and I you know, obviously there's action that you
take to not You have to be, you know, in
an empowered, conscious position with your body and your choices.
And I was, even though I was, I was still

(05:00):
extremely terrified to my core of getting pregnant. And I
figured that, you know, and it's not like I dated
a lot, like there was a few people that I
had dated after you know, in the last however many years.

(05:23):
And even when I met Ariol, I was like, I
am terrified of getting pregnant, like extremely terrified. And I
know that a part of the fear was it being
a disempowered you know, being put in a or putting
myself rather in a disempowered position again. And so I

(05:46):
knew that when I would, you know, eventually meet my
person and it be like, yes, this is the person
that I want to have children with or more children with,
or you know, be with. This is my this is
my partner, and it and it not be just you know, oh,

(06:08):
let's see where this goes, and you know, a little
bit more casual dating, perhaps that that fear would would
become less I had imagined. And so eventually, once Ariol
and I started dating and we fell in love and
I knew that he was my person, that fear really

(06:28):
did go away. It really did just leave. And I
knew at a certain point that I could relax in yeah,
sort of that flooding, that fear that that it was
so big, you guys, I can't even explain like I would,

(06:48):
it would keep me up. And oh it was so
it was so much bigger than I even kind of
remember as I'm recalling, and and so once we had
sort of decided like, Okay, next year, this is what's
going to take place, and you know, or we'll try,
I think I just opened myself to call in this

(07:14):
soul baby. And I'm going to talk about the soul
baby shortly because this story is really special to me.
But I think once I actually found out that I
had conceived that fear or those fears came flooding in

(07:38):
even though they weren't present anymore, they were they were
there under the surface. I hadn't I hadn't really you know,
moved through them adequately. And I know in hindsight, like
the way that I tended to that fear was dismissal
and avoidance, and so of course now there's an opportunity

(08:02):
for them to become very present, very very much pulled
to the surface, and it did. And so it was
really struggling just with the acceptance of what was going on.
And you know, I remember feeling this anger towards myself

(08:27):
because you know, it was like, why didn't I deal
with this, and why didn't I take this sort of
more seriously because now I'm I'm here, and I'm and
I'm really struggling. And so I was struggling for a

(08:48):
couple of weeks and because I have, you know, the
part of me and the part of me that knows
that this is exactly how it's supposed to go, this
is the this is at least the person you know,

(09:08):
timeline wise, I felt like, okay, my business, like okay,
Like Dawson's all of a sudden, like all this changes
happened for Dawson. She's now you know, she has two
step siblings, and then she's gonna have a baby. I'm
gonna have a baby, you know, She's like all of
these these changes. I felt like the timeline wasn't, you know,

(09:30):
how I had wanted. And so, you know, there was
a lot of there was a lot of me gripping
for control for the for a couple of weeks, my
mom had been dealing alongside, you know, that part of
the journey, but for much you know, prior to that,

(09:54):
she had been dealing with some some health things and
she went in for a biopsy, which we were assuming
was kind of like a fisher or like a polyp
or something. And I was at home with Dawson. I

(10:16):
kept Austin home from school, I think, or we did
something special after school. And we're sitting out on like
our patio and my dad's out there, and my mum
was coming home from her appointment and my dad called
me over and just the look on his face. He

(10:38):
just looked at me and said mom has cancer, and
like the the disbelief, like the what like I remember
like being like, what what are you talking about? Like
what how do you like there's no way? And I

(10:58):
mean that word is such a loaded word. And he's like,
she just called me. She told me not to tell
you because I had been really struggling, and me and
Dawson had a great day, like I finally could kind
of like you know, I felt really nourished by the day.

(11:21):
And so and my mom knew that prior to her
appointment finding out, and so she called my dad to say, like, hey,
don't tell Nicole because I don't want to, you know,
send her back and into that space that she was
and and he's like, she's on her way home, She's

(11:41):
going to be here in a few minutes, and I
just so we just stared at each other, and all
of a sudden, my mom comes down the driveway, and
of course it's like this this you know moment of
my dad and my mom and I have just like sobbing,
and it's so bizarre because you know, they tell you,

(12:02):
they told her in this case, what type of cancer
she had. They said that it was aggressive, that there
was cancer and pre cancer cells, and essentially they're like,
you have to go get an MRI. You have to
go get blood work to see like if it's you know,
spread throughout the body, could be you know, could be everywhere,

(12:25):
could be nowhere. We don't know what stage it is.
We just know that we removed tissue from your body
that had cancer in it, and the margins were not clear,
meaning there's still cancer left in your body and we
don't know where it is. And so this extreme you know,

(12:51):
disbelief happens. And it just so happened to be a
day where, you know, my brother and his partner, you know,
we came to the property and so we were, you know,
sharing it with them. My parents went and told my
other brother and his partner, and that night I had
already been sort of like I told Ariol, it was

(13:11):
like I was in winter harbor, like I prior to
finding out about my mom, just dealing with what was
present for me, what was coming up for me, that
a part of me had left to winter harbor, and
I was completely shut down, you know, I wasn't I

(13:31):
know where how I you know, the really unhealthy part
of me can respond. It's complete shut down. It's complete avoidance.
It's complete I can't look at you, talk to you.
It's complete shut down. And it had been like that
prior to this, and so, you know, this grief that

(13:58):
hit me suddenly with my my mom's news was this
reality that oh my god, you know, wow, like what
the fuck does this mean? Like? Am I gonna lose
my mom? Am I not gonna have a mom? You
guys know that she's like my person, and you know,

(14:20):
I don't. I can't even describe the the ache that
I felt, this like completely all consuming ache in my body,
and I just I sobbed and sobbed, and sobbed and
sobbed and sobbed, and I put Dawson in my in

(14:43):
mininarials bed. He was still like at work, and I
texted him and I texted him and said, like this
is how you know, this is how like survivally I was.
I texted him and said, I just found out my
mom has cancer. And I put Dawson in my bed.

(15:04):
I'm sobbing a bed. She's asleep at this point. And
he texted me back and said, how do you want
me to support you? Because he knows that I'm already
kind of fucked at this point. He said, do you
want to be left alone? Do you? Or do you
want do you need me? Do you want me to
come and support you in a certain way? And like,

(15:26):
bless this man. His skills are like beyond even you know,
for example, last night he worked really late. He cooks
like he cooks for me. I cook for the children,
and he cooks for me and him, and then if
he can, if he's off work early enough, he'll cook
for the whole family. And you know, I feel like

(15:50):
guilty about this because he works hard, He works his
ass off all day and then he comes home and cooks.
But he wants it to be that way. I don't
enjoy cooking, and it's just what works for us, and
I'm so grateful for that. So he comes home last
night really late. He had to stop and get a
couple of things and feel up his truck and he's

(16:13):
working out in u Bo, so it's like a good haul.
And he gets home last night and he's like he's
not feeling well either. And his first response is like, Hey,
what do you want for dinner? And I'm like, no,
I'm good, Like I kind of snacked and I had
like some stuff. I'm actually not hungry. And he was like, okay,
well I hate that, like I didn't get to make

(16:36):
you dinner. Anyways, We bathe, we shower, Dawson goes to sleep.
I'm in bed. He comes into bed and he's like, hey,
can I talk to you for a second. And I'm
like yeah, for sure. And he's like, how can I
support you in making sure that you're fed tomorrow properly?

(16:56):
And he's like, you know, would you do you want
me to make some chicken and some rice and stuff
in the morning and you can have it for lunch
or would you rather me do dinner? And just like
just this this, like how can I support you in eating?
Because he knows that I struggle with that sometimes and
especially if I'm not like feeling really well. I will

(17:21):
undernourish myself, and I'm nourishing this baby right now. So
I've got to be eating. But it's not it's not
food that is like, you know, I'm like eating tubs
of yogurt at this point. And so he's like, hey,
can I help you, like really get something wonderful into
your body? And he just instead of it coming from

(17:42):
judgment or force, it's coming from how can we how
can we like solve this together? So anyways, he's just
an angel and I fucking love him so much. So
this is what he did with this news that I
texted him like, how can I support you? Do you
do you do you want me to to completely, you know,
leave you be, which is how I had been sort

(18:04):
of acting up until this moment, or you know, do
you want me to come and support you? And I
don't know how I responded. I think I just said
I don't know, I don't know what I need. And
he came home from work and I'm in bed, just
like I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
And you know, he knows still that even in support

(18:30):
that at that time I was not able to communicate.
There's no there's no part of me that can really
show up and in that, and he just he kind
of like draped himself over me, like he kind of
like draped his arms over and his torso over me,
and and just kind of held me in that way,

(18:53):
and I just sobbed, like sobbed, sobbed, and I remember
thinking like, oh fuck, I'm never gonna sleep, like I
don't know what's going on with my mom, with my life,
Like everything feels really overwhelming. I'm not gonna be able
to sleep. And he stayed there like that until I

(19:16):
fell asleep. And it's so emotional to me because well,
I haven't really like reflected on it, but I had
always said, you know this, this most important thing about
finding a partner to do life with is that you're

(19:37):
gonna go through the hardest things in life with them.
You know, you're gonna experience loss with them, You're gonna
experience all sorts of things that life brings. And I
just remember feeling like, holy fuck, like he can actually
hold this right now, like he's actually showing up and

(19:57):
holding me in this. And he created enough. There was
no expectation, he didn't need anything from me. He just worked,
like you know, often he works fourteen hour days. He's
probably just worked a fourteen hours day. He comes home,
he doesn't the first thing he does is come and

(20:19):
tend to me and he holds me like that until
I fall asleep, and I'm just sobbing, and mind you,
I haven't given this man anything for like probably two weeks.
I was like maybe a week I was completely in flooding,
shutdown mode prior to this. So's I'm not feeling his

(20:43):
cup up. There's been no return this like it's been
me struggling and he just held me, and you know,
I think it's this weird kind of deniallything that happens
after It's like you wake up the next day and

(21:06):
my mom's still here. You know. I woke up and
like she texted me, like we first thing of the morning,
we text each other morning. How are you? We live
on the same property, Like I could walk over and
see her and yeah, just it's like life continues on,

(21:29):
but it's kind of shattering at the same time, and
we don't have any answers. You know. The long story
short with some of this stuff with my mom is
that things were so aligned, you know, prior to the
appointment with the surgeon when she found out she had cancer.

(21:51):
She was advocating to get an MRI, and so they
actually could get her in for an MRI like that day,
and things just were really aligning. It was like weirdly aligned,
like you know, typically it would take weeks before you

(22:11):
could get your MRI and then get your results, and
so you're waiting, you know, that much longer for these things.
But she ended up getting an MRI the day she
found out she had cancer, and so things were felt
really aligned. And we went and got her like herbal
you know, protocol, all the goods, and you know, got

(22:32):
really as much as you can prior to knowing what
the fuck is going on, got her going in into
sort of what felt like maybe she could be in
some type of control while we waited, and so we

(22:52):
didn't have to wait long. But fuck, dude, did that
feel long. It felt like torture. I had a session
with my dear friend Callista because I just couldn't cope.
And I left the session and I had a text

(23:14):
from my mom that said her MRI came back clear,
no detection of cancer in her body at all, which
is amazing. It wasn't. It didn't spread anywhere, and in fact,
it didn't even show where the margins were not clear
in her in her body. Her blood work was perfect.

(23:37):
And so we're like getting this information and we we
still know. It's like, oh my god, huge celebration, wonderful,
but the reality is she still has cancer. We don't
know what stage it's at, and she still has to
you know, walk this walk. And you know, mind you,
I'm pregnant, you know, looking at I have you know,

(24:01):
three children now, I have my daughter and my two
step children, and I'm bringing a fourth child in and
you know, the need for support for me upcoming feels
quite great. And then to go, oh my gosh, my

(24:21):
mom's need for support is way greater than mine. Of course,
like if she's gonna be going through treatment, and like,
what's this going to look like? Holy fuck? Like so
of course, you know, the cancer clinic gets a hold
of you and they say we'll see you in a
couple of weeks, and so we're waiting for that, and meanwhile,
I am still really really struggling. The the lows are

(24:47):
really low, and of course there's hormonal stuff going on,
but it just it was really extreme and I could
feel myself fall back into patterns of my nervous system
that completely are not healthy. You know, I've talked about

(25:08):
this before. It's like I booked a trip and then
it would get close and I would I would just
I couldn't go on the trip, and in those things
that feeling of it's too much and I have to
have to run from it all. And so that was
really present in my being. And now we're heading towards
the end of May and it's my birthday and Ariol,

(25:34):
you know, plans this beautiful gathering at my home and
he cooks for everybody. And again, it's been a month
of torture for this man. That I've literally put this
man through fucking torture all month. And you know, in hindsight,
I'm like it was really truthful. I was really struggling.

(25:57):
My my hormones were wacky, you know, all of this
is going on with my mom. My nervous system was
totally fucked. So like, I can I know that, And
I think there's another part of me that almost was
like testing him in a sense of like, Okay, I'm
having a baby with you. You know, we're we're we

(26:19):
are moving. You know, you can live together and you can,
you know, you can do all the things, but like
having a baby is a full different fucking story. And
so I think there's a part of me that was
even testing his ability to just show up into like yeah,

(26:40):
just like how how willing are you to be like
to be in this is how it you know, maybe felt.
And so a month of struggle, a month of torture
for this man and he plans this like gorgeous, amazing
celebration for me was I remember like months, it was

(27:02):
like months and months and months. There's probably seven months
before my birthday. And he was like, what, like what
are your expectations for your birthday? Like, what's your dream
birthday like? And he wrote it in the notes of
his phone what my response was, so that he could

(27:23):
show up in that. And he did. And the next
day after that it was, you know, just just challenge.
We were out watering. Actually it felt really nice. He
planted a bunch of blueberry. My dad and him have

(27:44):
been working on the property and we were watering the
blueberries and raspberries and I came inside and the kids
were playing and they wanted to play a board game.
So I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna go pee and
then I'll help you set the board game up. And
I went to the bathroom and I sat down and
I just felt this really big gush and I looked

(28:08):
down and the toilet was filled with blood. And Ariol
was in the he was making he was making food
in the kitchen, and the bathroom is really close to
the kitchen, and I called him as I'm like crying

(28:28):
and shaking and trying to like not sound because the
kids are really close as well, and He's like, yeah,
just a sec. I'm like, no, Ariol, come here now.
And he came in and he saw what was going on,
and I just was sobbing and saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, and he

(28:54):
just held me again and that. But oh, I haven't
really reflected on this a lot. Yeah, it was really
it was really disturbing. And you know, I know that

(29:14):
I've actually the only really reflecting that I've done on
it was I saw the other day someone posted like
a text thread of her and her partner after she
found out she miscarried, and in the text, she kept
saying I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, and I
was like, oh, I wonder if that's common. I thought
I was having a miscarriage. And like instinctually, like the

(29:37):
it wasn't like, oh fuck, I feel I'm really sorry.
It was like it was like primal coming out of
me being like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and
he held me and and just you know, assured me.

(29:59):
And meanwhile, you know, he could not have been more
excited for this baby, and so I could see him
being strong for me and also you know, crumbling as well,
in in his in his way, and so he does

(30:23):
what any attuned man does. He textes my mom to
come and support me. We live on their property, so
she's close. And all of a sudden, my mom, my
mom comes in and her and Oriel, I think, kind
of brew up a plan where he was going to
take the kids, and my mom had she had to

(30:44):
go actually to a dinner, but they cook up a
plan together where Oriol was going to take all the kids.
Because I was a mess, and my mom helped me
get sort of situated, and I just I got into
bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and then eventually

(31:10):
I bled. That night and I passed a lot of
clots in the morning and that was that. It was like, Okay,
we lost the baby. And I was scrolling on TikTok
a couple days later and I saw something about uh hemorrhage,

(31:34):
hemorrhage or uh hematoma. I think they're they're like subcal
something some some some hematoma and it's when little pockets
of blood formed between the baby and the the uterus.

(31:55):
And I just had this feeling of one of my friends, Mikayla,
would say to me, my TikTok is spiritually aligned. It's
channeled for me. And she's like, I will go on
and they'll be like the perfect message for me, and
then I'll ask to see this and it'll show up
and I'm like, hell yeah, I love that. And this day,
I could not have agreed more because I'd never heard

(32:18):
of this before ever in my life. After I had
the bleeding episode, I just assumed I had a miscarriage
and I didn't have a midwife yet, and I was
just gonna, like, you know, kind of write it out
for a bit. Never heard of it. Not one person

(32:39):
said like, hey, maybe it's this, Like it just came
across my TikTok, and it was a yes in my body,
and I was like, holy fuck, Artle, I think like
I need to get checked out. And he's like, yeah,
I know, I've been telling you that. I'm like okay.
So I went to urgent care and the urgent care

(33:00):
lady was like, ooh, it sounds like a miscarriage, but
of course, like we'll get you blood work and an ultrasound.
And so for the blood work, I had to go
one day, wait twenty four hours or forty eight hours,
and then go again. And then they would check my hormones.
If they were increasing, then there would be a viable pregnancy,

(33:24):
and if they were decreasing, that would show that there
was loss or not growing trending as they should. It
could also show loss. And so went for the blood work.
I had to wait for the ultrasound. Went for the
second blood work, but they lost my first blood work,

(33:46):
so I had to wait even longer before I could
get more blood work done. And the urgent care doctor
called and she said that my oh, I think I
might have had the ultrasound first. Actually went to the ultrasound,
I fully and completely was expecting loss, and I went

(34:07):
by myself Ariol had a job he had to finish,
and I just was okay to go by myself, and
I wanted to like I was really in that hole.
And there was two gals texts doing the ultrasound, and

(34:31):
all of a sudden, at the end of the ultrasound,
they said, do you want to see your baby? And
I'm like, oh my god, there's a baby in there.
And they turned the screen and I saw my baby
with a heartbeat, and I just like again that like visceral, primal,
like sounding crying release. And they printed out pictures and

(34:56):
I drove straight to Ariol's job and he came to
the car and I showed him the pictures of our
baby and I said, there's a heartbeat, and we were
so thrilled, and you know again, he just held me
and was amazing. And then later that day I got

(35:20):
a call from urgent care doctor and she said that
there was strong there's abnormalities present in my ultrasound and
that it looked like I would be miscarrying based off
of the abnormalities, and so, okay, we're back, we're back,

(35:41):
We're back here now it's like a big high, a
big low. And then she's like you'll have to wait
for for more blood work. So I had to wait
another couple of days go get more blood work. And
at this point I hadn't heard anything they had lost

(36:02):
the blood work. I was in a lot of distress.
And we went to the marge in the middle of
the night and there was only one doctor and there
was two overdoses that happened, and the waiting room was
so full, and there was people that had been there

(36:24):
for like twenty four hours, and the trioge nurse was like, hey,
just so you guys know, like, no one's going to
be seen, and so I just I went over to
triage and said, you know, my partner has to work
soon and I have to get my daughter to school.

(36:45):
I hear, we're not going to be seen, because it
was just like kind of people saying what they had heard.
And she was like, no, but like, what are you
here for? And I told her and I told them
told her that they had taken my blood while I
was waiting. So she's like, oh, well, let's at least
look at your numbers. Oh sorry, prior to this, you guys,

(37:08):
this is why I should have taken notes. Prior to this,
we did get my original blood work back, and my
hormones were not increasing. They were supposed to be doubling
or something every forty eight hours or something like that,
in mine were not. They were hardly increasing. And so
I got another call from the urgent care doctor, I
being like, okay, so the ultrasound didn't look good and

(37:30):
your hormones are not increasing in the way we want.
And in fact, it was such a low increase that
it was like this, the chances of it being a
viable pregnancy were like almost none. And so at this
point they just told me to wait for a miscarriage,
to wait like because the bleeding episode, I had the

(37:55):
baby then still had a heartbeat, so they were pretty
much like, well, prepare yourself for for a loss. And
so then we went to the emergency a couple days later,
and so the nerve the trios nurse was like, okay,
this is your situation. She'said, we didn't wear blood today,

(38:17):
so let's see if your hormones, you know, are doing anything.
And she was like, oh, it's this number, and I
was like, oh my god. I had written down all
the numbers that I had previously, and it was like
double or triple or something and I'm like, oh my god,
that's wonderful. So we left there with with just that
that my hormones were increasing, and we had to go

(38:38):
back for another ultrasound a week later, and my mom's
cancer clinic first cancer clinic appointment was the day after
my ultrasound, the second ultrasound to see if the baby
was growing. And so again just I can't even like

(39:01):
it's it's almost like surreal for how fucked that time
was this waiting game and I kind of like fully
detached from being pregnant altogether, like I didn't let myself
go there at all. I like didn't I wasn't having
a miscarriage and I wasn't pregnant, like I was nothing.

(39:24):
And so we wait and wait and wait until our
ultrasound and they found a baby that was growing. They
dated the baby and they found that I had a hematoma.
So they were like, oh, the chances of you having
like these bleeding episodes are normal, and here's like some

(39:45):
things that you can do when I saw my nature
path to support it. After so we got good news
that the baby was good, and then we went to
the cancer clinic the next day and we found out
that my mom had stage one only and the rest
of her health is amazing and perfect. And so it

(40:08):
was like the weight lifted, but under that blanket, that
weighted blanket was so much that I had to still
process and digest and move through. And you know, it
wasn't totally and completely freeing, but it certainly certainly felt better.

(40:36):
There was just so much more space to feel and
move through what it was, you know, that needed to
be moved through. But of course, you know, in the
westernized medical system that we have, you know, they still
said to my mom, you still need to go through
the full round of chemo and the full round of radiation.

(41:00):
It's not tailored to you know, anything severity wise, it's
just this is standard protocol to treat cancer. And we
didn't like that. We didn't like that answer, and so
you know, we we asked for more surgery. They declined

(41:23):
us originally thankfully her. The radiologist that was assigned to
my mom was fantastic, and because you know, it was
kind of this strange, strange situation where there's no detectable
cancer in my mom other than the margins being not
clear from that original biopsy, no one would know medically

(41:49):
other than that that she had any cancer. So it
felt really wrong to, you know, go through these things
where they are openly like, yeah, this can cause cancer
down the road, these treatments when you know, it felt
like it kind of like an overkill. And so eventually
the radiologist brought my mom's case to the board and

(42:11):
they were sort of unwilling to do the surgery. But
the radiologists suggested that we talk to the original surgeon
that did the biopsy to see if she would do
a secondary surgery. And again, everything's a waiting game, like
it's taking by this point, it's like like August or

(42:35):
July or something like, yeah, time is going, we're waiting.
There's a lot of waiting and and so my mom
and I go and see the surgeon's office. Her surgeon

(42:56):
was on holidays. We saw a different surgeon and she
essentially said, no, there's no way we're doing another surgery.
And I know that the surgeon that did your surgery
is gonna say no, it's not standard cancer protocol. It's
it's it's off the book. It's not protocol. Like just
the same kind of spiel over and over and over,

(43:17):
and it's it's like unhuman it's like, really bizarre how
they treat you. They treat you like, you know, a case.
They treat you like you're not a human. And so
we left there and we knew that we'd be seeing
the other surgeon shortly, and we did, and we didn't

(43:43):
even sit in the fucking chariot. And she said, no,
I'm not doing the surgery. She's like, same kind of spiel.
It's against the book. It's not protocol, it's not cancer treatment.
So if we did it, it's not you know, treating
your cancer. If we got it out, the only protocol

(44:03):
is chemon radiation. The only protocol is chemone radiation. And
she was like, and the cancer, uh, the radiologist and
the oncologist don't agree that that's you know, a viable step.
And I was like, no, she does. She was the one.
That's why we're here because the radiologist wanted us to,

(44:30):
you know, see if you would do it, inquire about it.
And she was like, no, that's not the documents I read.
And I my mom and I had printed out all
her notes from the from everybody that had seen her,
and I was like, no, you're reading the wrong email.
That was the one at the very beginning like when
we first went there and said, like, would surgery be

(44:53):
an option? And she said, Nope, it wouldn't be. And
so she pulled up all her notes again, she had
to go through them all, and she found the one
that I was referencing and she read it and then
she turned her chair around and she's like, oh, it's
pretty tough. She's like, Okay, I'll do it. And so

(45:14):
that was so incredible. She did it, and they got
all the pre cancer cells and the margins were clear.
And so the cancer clinic essentially said to my mom,
we hope we never see you again. We hope we
don't need our services. And we said yes, same and

(45:37):
and then it was a day apart again. We found
out that I am pregnant with a little boy. And
I have known this little boy soul for quite a
few years. He came through in a session with Callista, actually,

(45:58):
and he has been extremely present throughout these few years,
like very present. You know. I might have to save
it for a different episode because I'm running out of
time here, but this boy has been a very big
part of my spiritual life. And I think starting in

(46:20):
February when I met ariol I told him, like really
early on. I was like, just so you know, I'm
having a boy. There's a boy soul that's waiting to
come to earth, and he was like okay. And I
had done a couple of tea ceremonies with Alicia and
he came through in February, I think, being like, Hi,

(46:46):
I'm ready. I'm readying myself. And in April, for my
mom's birthday, we got Alicia to come to the house
and do a tea ceremony, and during ceremony, I had

(47:10):
the soul essentially jump into my cup and I drank
it and I conceived that weekend. I conceived maybe that
night that weekend, and interestingly enough, I also conceived Dawson
on my mom's birthday weekend as well, so some type

(47:31):
of karma there. And then we found out the gender
for sure was a boy. And we found out my
mom's cancer free. And you know, that was just in
the September beginning of September, and so I'm now thirty

(47:55):
seven weeks pregnant and my mom is healthy. I also
got engaged in that time. We got engaged in the summer,
which was so amazing. I actually went ring shopping with

(48:16):
a friend. She was like, we need to go ring shopping,
Like that's your guy, we need to get a ring.
She's like misorganized, She's like, you need to have a
ring so that he's prepared. I'm like, okay, And what's
really special is that obviously I have a daughter and
Ariol has two children, but neither of us have been engaged.

(48:37):
We've never been married, we've never been engaged, and so
it felt, really, it feels really like extra sacred and
special to have saved that for each other. He was
in a ten year relationship with the mother of his children,
and and you know, still I feel really yeah, that

(49:04):
level of like sacredness that it was sort of like
saved for each other. And so my friend and I
went ring shopping in February and I picked out a
ring that I fell in love with, and I showed
him and he was like, oh my gosh, that's so
you It's perfect. I love it. And my friend sent

(49:26):
Ariol all the information about the ring, and then time
just went on and I kind of, you know, had
no expectations that I would get a ring once I
got pregnant. It was like, Okay, I'm assuming the rings coming,
but you know, didn't really know. And Linton, BC, there

(49:53):
was a bunch of fires and it burned down their community.
And Ariol has been going up to Lytton periodically to
rebuild some of their communities. And so in the summer
he was away in Linton working and I told I
told Ariol when I met him that I was like,

(50:15):
you need to get a mullet, like mullets are super hot.
And he was like, I would never get a mullet.
And I was like, okay, Well, He's like, I'll get
a mullet once in my life and it'll be the
day that I proposed to you. I was like, okay,
I can't wait for that mullet. And he was away
in Linton. He came home on a Saturday morning and

(50:39):
he drove all through the night. He worked like sixteen
hour days. It's insane the work he does there in Lynton.
And I didn't get to see him yet. He had
to go straight to the hairdresser. He had a hair appointment,
and so I brought the kids into town and we
surprised him and I'm sure as shit, the guy's got
a fucking mullet, Like, oh my god. And I know

(51:03):
he is like a man of his word, like that
is so important to him, even though it was like
a joke at the beginning, like oh, yeah, I'll get
a mullet for when we for when I proposed to
you that he would have to follow through with that,
because like that's the type of guy he is. And
so the kids and I surprise him, and I'm like,

(51:24):
oh my god, he's got a fucking mullet. And he
drove all through the night. He's so tired, but I'm
like he's like nervous. I could tell something was off.
And we had a trip planned the weekend after UH
to go up Island, and so I was like, oh,

(51:45):
I think he's gonna propose then, like when we go away,
him and I. And later that day we had because
there's so many there's like gonna be ten grandchildren in
my family, and there's there's so many same month birthdays
that will combine each month's holidays and like birthdays and

(52:09):
celebrate them together as a family. And so in August
we had my stepdaughter and my niece's birthday to celebrate.
And it was later that that day and so ariols
like we go for lunch, we hang out with the kids.
We go home and he's like, hey, do you want

(52:31):
to go? Do you want to go to the river?
And I'm like, oh, like, all my family's going to
be here in like an hour for this birthday celebration
for the girls. And he's like, yeah, I know, I
already arranged it with your mom that like we are
going to go spend some time together. He'd been away
for like ten days. Prior to this, we hadn't had
any alone time, Like I had just seen him for

(52:52):
his haircut. We went for lunch, came home, and he's like,
I told my mom that we were going to go
like fuck on the on the by the river, and
I'm like, oh my god. So he's like, We're gonna
go have like a little bit of time together before
the party starts. And he's like, why don't we go
take some maternity photos because I had like a decent
bump at this time, and he's like, why do you

(53:14):
I'll bring your tripod and we'll go take some maternity pictures.
And at this point, I'm like, oh my god, he's
gonna do it now like I'm fully about to get
proposed to. So I'm like, well, what should I wear?
And he's like, Oh, I really like this, and you
like help me pick out a dress and we drive

(53:37):
down to the river and we like hike down to
this beautiful spot and we like find a really private
spot and he's like, we set the tripod up and
you know, we're finding like a really nice angle and
doing some practice videos and standing there and like, oh,

(53:59):
you know, your bump looks really good like that, and
I'm standing there. You know, we hit record. I'm standing there.
He's like walking over to me and I mean, you
guys saw it on Instagram. He did like a twenty
minute speech that was like a tiny little snippet. He
talked for so long about just the love that we

(54:26):
have and how oh it was just I can't even
like recall how amazing it was. And he got down
on one knee and he put my dream ring on
my finger and got engaged. Said yes, and I'm like,

(54:49):
when did you get this? Because he's been away. I'm like,
when the fuck did you get this? And he's like, well,
I put a deposit on it right after you picked
it out, way back then. And then he's like, I've
shared this on on social media as well, but we've

(55:09):
had a couple of ceremonial intimate evenings with cash on
our bed, and he's like, do you remember when I
got paid cash from that job and I and we
you know, had our we made love, and you know,
it's like it's really ceremonial for us when we do that.

(55:31):
It's like there's prep involved. It's like really intentional. The
whole day is really intentional. It's not just like we
throw cash on the bed and have sex. It's like
really quite a ceremony. And he was like, and then
you remember how it was just gone. And I was like, yeah,
you took like you took a bunch of that cash.

(55:54):
And I was like, I just assumed, I don't know,
you did something with it, paid bills whatever. And he's like,
I took that and I went and paid cash for
the ring. And I was like, oh my gosh, this
is totally who this man is. That he couldn't just
go and like you know, pay with his card or

(56:16):
like throw it on his visa. That it had to
be intentional, it had to be like energetically intentional down
to the way that he paid for this ring, That
the money had to be in ceremony with us, that
that you know, it was. It's so everything he does

(56:36):
is so purposeful, and there's so much intention and love
and care behind everything he does. It's it's actually the
greatest gift that, you know, someone that loves me this much,
cares that much. And so he's had the ring. He

(56:57):
had it in his truck for a while, and then
he put it in my mom's because I got up
with him when he left for Lynton and he's like,
I'm gonna go get eggs. So he went to my
parents' house and put the ring in the freezer so
I wouldn't find it, and my mom had it while
he was gone, and yeah, the rest is history. I

(57:22):
have this fucking crank or beautiful ring on my finger,
and I'm engaged to the most wonderful man that I
actually I knew was out there for me. I knew
I knew he was out there, but I'm honestly shocked

(57:43):
at the level of which you know, yeah, it's still
sort of surprising that that he does exist. And our
baby boy is growing beautiful, and yeah, the children are thriving,

(58:04):
My families are thriving, and yeah, but it's been it's
been a few months of really having to work through
so much stuff that has been buried for me and

(58:25):
stuff new stuff that had been added that trying to
manage all the new things that were added plus a
bunch of stuff that had been buried was really taxing
for me. And you know, the vulnerability of being pregnant
and the hormones and you know that alone is challenging.

(58:47):
And so I'm really glad that I gave myself the
grace to to sort of remove myself and get lost
in myself a bit so that I could, you know,
really work through what I needed to work through. So
there's my update you guys. There. That's where I've been.
It's a really fast snapshot of things. And of course

(59:13):
there's going to be more little details and stuff that
I'll share as we go, but I've got a client
here shortly, and i just wanted to get the snapshot
of where I've been. And I cannot wait to be
with you guys again soon. Love you all, thanks for
being here. Bye.