Just Regular You

Phew! Finally another full episode. In this episode I talk about trying to be something you're not (and hating yourself for it), the truth about why I don't drink & money.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello, Welcome back to a GirlWilling. It's Nicole. As per usual,
I have not recorded a full assepisode and so long I've been doing
the little micro doser magic episodes andI'm so excited to sit down and actually
chat. It's almost the end ofJanuary and this is the first winter I

(00:21):
want to say, like ever,but I'm sure that's not the truth.
But for a very long time thatI've felt on average good and okay,
I just I just want to celebratethat for a minute, because I,
you know, have been sharing moreand more, and obviously since starting this

(00:42):
podcast, I've shared so much more. I'm just getting deeper into myself and
like feeling at home in my bodyand it just feels good. And I
say the average, you know,the ava of how I've been feeling,
because of course I have like thefull spectrum of emotions, because I have

(01:06):
to. I've been thinking a lotabout Earth and what we get here and
what we get here that we shouldreally be taking advantage of because we're you

(01:29):
know, we might not have themwhen we go, you know. And
of course there's things like a physicalbody with these limited senses. Because I
feel like a piece of me remembersthat I have a lot more senses when
I'm not in this earthly body.So can I take advantage of mastering these

(01:56):
five senses that we have, becauseif we have like infinite senses somewhere else
when we're not on Earth, Idon't know that I could master all that.
Imagine having every sense that like exists, ever infinite senses, I'd be
probably okay at some of them.I've only got five here. I feel

(02:22):
like I should really master them.I feel like I should be able to
like make really beautiful and strong eyecontact with people when I listen and when
I talk, and that I shouldbe able to sit and stare at a
fire and like see people talking tome through the flames. I feel like
I should be able to like touchbut really feel, and like move slower

(02:50):
so that I can feel the airaround me and the elements around me.
I feel like I should be ableto like hear energy buzzing and should really
hear the subtle messages that are happening. And I don't mean should like I
should be doing that in a senseof blame or demand for myself. I

(03:15):
mean should like I can, likeif I've only got five here I should
really be enjoying them and spending alot of time mastering them and evolving my
relationship with them. And then Istart to think about the other things that

(03:38):
are here that I might not havewhen I leave here. And I don't
know. Maybe my next incarnation isgoing to be on some other planet.
Maybe I'll take a break for awhile. I don't know. I don't
know, But right now I'm onEarth, and I have this timeline that

(04:00):
I'm in with these people, withthese conditions, with these energetics. This
is where I'm at right now.I chose, I signed the contract.
I came here for this, Sowhat about this time can teach me?

(04:25):
Like? What can I learn fromthis time? What can I take in?
And even if it's not like athought out process, I have to
trust that my system is so muchmore intelligent than I could ever, ever,
ever consciously understand that even in myhighest thinking and my highest processing and

(04:49):
my highest self, I would Icould understand only a small small percentage of
how intelligent my system is. SoI have to trust that. But I'm
learning and evolving and taking in thissoul work and the lessons and the learning
that my soul needs to have withouteven doing the work necessarily, because it's

(05:10):
just I'm here, I was plantedhere, which is evolution in itself.
I mean, think about a seedthat's been sitting in a bag at the
grocery store. It's like a littlezucchini seed, and it's sitting in that
little paper bag on that little spinningshelf at the grocery store, and it's

(05:32):
always just sitting in a weird spot, sitting in you know, look by
the door, and there's no light, there's no air, there's no water,
there's no soil, there's no loves, just sitting in the bag.
And even just the act of buyingthe seeds, taking that paper bag home

(05:58):
and opening it up and taking oneof the tiny seeds and then planting it
in the ground is huge evolution forthat seed. Think about that journey from
just sitting in a bag with nolight, no air, no sun,
no love, no soil, nochance, just held and then planting it

(06:23):
in the ground. The process fromthat to that is insane. So just
being planted on earth, we don'teven have a freakin' clue on what we've
already learned just being planted here,and then we have to live. Then

(06:45):
the timeline that we signed up foris these conditions, these energetics, these
elements. It's this time with thesepeople. So now we're not just a
seed in the garden. I've gotcarrots next to me. I've got next
to me, I've got lettuce,hella lettuce that keeps growing. Then I

(07:08):
got like bugs. You know,there's squirrels that come in the middle of
the night eating my leaves. Andshit, I've got rain. It just
won't stop raining for a little bit. I'm getting washed away. I got
planted in one spot and now itrained for a week straight and my seed
is over neustled into the cauliflower.So whatever these conditions are, I haven't

(07:31):
even grown yet. I'm still seeds. I just got planted in this garden.
And think about the journey I've had. So man, if you are
feeling at all like I'm not doingenough, or like I'm not doing the
work, or I don't know whatmy dharma is, I don't know what
I'm here to do, I'm justI just got planted here. Holy shit,
dude, you got planted here.Like that's insane. That journey to

(07:55):
being planted is wild and just youbeing a seed in the garden of our
earth is so mind blowing incredible thatlike, don't worry about it. Your
systems are so much more intelligent thananything that we have access to logically consciously,

(08:16):
even when we're on like deep inan Eyewaska trip, dmts like flooding
our brain, we're on another planet, we still don't have the full sense
of how intelligent this choice was forus to be here, for this,
for our systems, for our soul, for this body. We have no

(08:37):
idea. So just trust that evenif it's mundane, even if you feel
like you're not doing anything, thatlike you're doing everything and you don't have
to. Just being here is enough. I was sometimes I like to,
you know, read my journal fromlike a long time ago, and I

(09:01):
get to view myself or view myfeelings or my thoughts or my art differently.
It's like I get to walk intothe Museum of Nicole and I get
to walk around really slowly, andhalf of the stuff I forget about,
and I get to read the wordsand like I get to stand there and

(09:22):
it's almost like there's the spotlight onthe art on the wall and I get
to like enjoy it. And Iget to respond to it and I get
to like really feel into it.And so I was doing that and I
was reading something that I had writtenearlier, and it was something like the

(09:43):
most mundane things like just picking yourcoffee up off the counter sends a ripple
through the ether that changes everything.Just buy you smiling at somebody puts a

(10:03):
frequency into the world or the universeor through your body, and it's changed
forever. And I don't mean thatin like a holy fuck, you can't
fuck it up kind of way,but like, there's just so much without

(10:24):
trying. Here's what I wrote.I remember this, without trying, you
are deeply imprinting and changing the worldin everything you do, without trying,
just by picking your coffee up,just by just by moving walking, just
by having your heart beating, everythingis different just because you and you're not

(10:46):
trying. Then you can think aboutit, like, holy fuck, what
if you actually tried. What ifyou tried to, you know, speak
your truth, or what if youtried to share your art, or what
if you tried to open up orwhat if you try to feel? What
if you tried what if you tried? Think about how much more impactful that
would be. And that again,it's like this, even if I've just

(11:11):
been planting here and I'm like abump on the log, it's still enough,
like I'm still impacting the space greatly. But then I hope that also
gives you this sense of like,oh wow, imagine if I showed up
for myself a little bit more,what that could do? What that would

(11:33):
change forever. We don't have todo something so like obviously life changing to
have a life changing effect. Youknow, I talked about the man on

(11:54):
the airplane at one episode. Iforget what one it was, and it
was like top three profound moments inmy life, like it. I can't
reference the episode, so I'll brieflyexplain it. I was on an airplane
going to medicine Hat. There wastwo people on the airplane. It was

(12:15):
me and this guy, and wewere seated next to each other on this
whole airplane. It was from Calgaryto medicine Hat, and I was waiting.
He was like an older man andlike just being who I am.
I was like, hey, howare you? We made small talk?
Where are you headed? What areyou doing in medicine hat whatever? And
I was really vulnerable because I wasleaving Dawson the first time I just stopped

(12:39):
breastfeeding. She was two. Itwas the first time I was going away,
and we were seated next to eachother and I was waiting. I
said to the flight attendant, like, hey, like, am I able
to move? He was in thewindow seat, I was in the middle,
and she was like, we haveto wait until a certain like part
of the pre flight in order tolike give you this, you know,

(13:01):
the go ahead to move. SoI was waiting. We ended up talking
while we were waiting. There wasa forty five minute delay, and we
talked for all forty five minutes,and then by the time she said like,
hey, do you want to move? I was like no, we
were deep in conversation, and sowe got to talk for about an hour
or a little bit more. Iwas hysterical. It was the most profound,

(13:22):
one of the most profound experiences I'veever had. He was a death
doula and he was going to medicinehat to be the doula as someone died,
and he was there to support thefamily that it was their son that
was dying, and he just hewas an angel, Like I don't even

(13:48):
know another way to say it.He came in and just was wise and
smart and loving, and the stuffhe said was so profound and it was
truly remarkable on every level. AndI ended up getting his contact information because
he had written multiple books and Iwas able to find him after and I

(14:11):
emailed him saying like, I justwant to deeply thank you for your time.
And he ended up really like helpingme process some some really big emotions
that were coming up. And it'snot that I don't think he remembered who
I was, but it was veryinsignificant for him. And I loved that
because it gave me this like senseof ease because I was I felt actually

(14:37):
like a little out of body.It was really wild, so it was
like okay, it was okay,I wasn't like, you know, gave
me the sense of ease, Butit also gave me the sense of ease
that like, right, I don'thave to feel like I'm showing up as
like life changing. I'm going tochange everyone's life. The things I say

(14:58):
are the most important medicine they're evergonna hear. And it could still feel
like that, and it might havejust been like regular ass shit that I
was saying, so, I waslike, wait, this guy, that
was just regular ass conversation for him. The way that he navigated that conversation,
the stuff that he said was sonormal, it was nothing, it

(15:22):
was basic. He didn't feel likehe was tapped into his ultra amazing medicine.
He just knows that he is medicine. And I get to have that
permission too, that it's like Ijust get to be regular. I just
get to be Nicole, And Iknow that some cells of Nicole's are pretty

(15:45):
fucking cool, and that when Ijust show up as me, I might
irritate people, I might excite people, I might help people. I might
make people laugh, I might makepeople emotional. I might give people permission.
But it's just me. I don'thave to show up as the girl
that gives people permission, and that'sthe hat I wear on the suit I

(16:06):
wear. I don't have to showup as like the funny girl to make
people laugh like it's just a it'sjust regular me, and I get to
potentially provoke those experiences for people ormirror those experiences for people, Like,
man, what a cool thought.That like it's not so much work as
maybe we thought. Or I thought, I don't know, I don't know

(16:26):
how you feel. But I've battledthat for so long, and I know
that so many people do. Andthat's why I'm hm putting this program on.
The name isn't released yet, butI've been talking about it a little
bit. So I have Tantric Trust, which is a free mini class that's

(16:48):
on February first, and at thatmini class, I release the full details
of the full Deep Dive program thatstarts March sixth, and it's for women
in the healing arts. And it'swomen who know that they want to claim

(17:11):
their medicine, they want to claimtheir space and the healing arts, whether
as SpaceHolders or coaches or guides orfacilitators or healers or you know whatever.
That I'm casting the net of healingartists and this is such a big conversation
in that space. Is that I'vebattled, you know. When I was

(17:33):
in high school. This is Iwrote a chapter about this in my book
that will be published one day.But that I was the girl that didn't
care. I was like the funnygirl, the kind of performer I would,
you know, be suit like supersilly and goofy and make people laugh

(17:57):
and perform, and I would bringmyself to extreme levels of embarrassment in order
to feel like I could provoke laughteror a response from people that I felt
that they thought I was funny.And so I felt like I have to

(18:18):
wear the hat, the suit,the face, the embodiment of the funny
girl or the girl that doesn't care, whatever it is, in order to
give people that experience. And thenit's like, okay, you know,
when you start dating, you gottawear the cool girl hat. And it's
not like if I'm just regular anda cool I might give people the cool

(18:40):
girl vibe. But it wasn't that. It was like I had to be
the cool girl fully completely, solike I don't care, like oh you
cheated on me, sweet, LikeI'm like super cool, fun, flirty
and sexy and like I don't care, I don't have any emotions. I
had to be the cool girl fullyand completely. And so it's like I
fragmenting the parts of me in tryingto like create an extreme version of them.

(19:08):
And so when I started an energywork, I wasn't the healer archetype
and I actually didn't really I didn'tfeel like I had it at all,
Like it wasn't even a piece ofme, and so for such a long
time I was trying to create ahealer archetype that I could wear the hat

(19:29):
in the suit and fully embody it. And what I am realizing right now
is I'm saying this out loud likeall of those pieces were inside of me,
because I can't like Noqoia have somany cool things about me, and
so do you, so does everyone. I am a cool girl, I
am a funny girl, I ama healer. I'm but those are ingredients

(19:53):
in my soup. I'm not,just like, you know, one of
those things. And so it's justinteresting to see all the different ways throughout
my life that I tried to justbe one ingredient and fully and completely embody
it and hate myself for it becauseI would create the extreme versions of it,

(20:17):
like oh the shit that like Iwould do to be yeah, to
be those versions of me, likeI remember, you know, And this
is one of the reasons I don'tdrink now. And I guess I've never
really talked about this a ton,but you know, I don't drink now

(20:41):
for a few different reasons. Idon't drink now because it's literally poison.
I'll have a glass of prosecco ayear maybe if that, I don't drink
now because it's poison. There's itdoes nothing good for the physical body.
It does nothing good for my mentalbody. I get immediate anxiety the second

(21:03):
I have alcohol, actually like borderlineturn panic. The next day, I'm
groggy and foggy, even if it'slike one glass, like it's insane how
much it affects me. I'm sensitive. I have a sensitive constitution. So
I add something like that and I'moff for days. And another reason I

(21:23):
don't drink, and I don't evenknow if I've ever like admitted this out
loud, is that I have suchsevere pain inside of me from times where
I used to drink that hole.My body's responding right now, Oh,

(21:49):
let's just be let's just be withit with that for a minute, and
it's gonna like walk you through this. My heart's racing, so I'm acknowledging
that my heart's racing, which doesnot feel comfortable. My chest is feeling

(22:12):
really tight and heavy. There's alump in my throat. I can feel
that. It's like trying to controlan emotional response and also control the vulnerability
of like actually speaking on this.My body. I can feel it starting

(22:32):
to calm. My heart is stillracing very fast. And now I'm just
like orienting myself in my space.So I'm just like looking around. I'm
looking at this tapestry thing on mywall. I'm looking at the ceiling.
I'm looking at all the lights,just counting the lights. I'm moving my

(22:56):
head a lot and my neck alot to look around those moments that what
I just felt would fuck me upbecause I would surrender to them because they
felt too overwhelming, and I mightneed to pause this for a minute just

(23:19):
to like spend a bit more timethere. But yeah, I just anyways,
I have a lot of pain inmy body from emotional pain and mental
pain that my body has really heldfrom times where I did drink. That

(23:41):
comes along with the embarrassment and youknow, after the sexual abuse when I
was sixteen, I would you know, I was sixteen, and I feel
like that's when like all the kidsin high school were starting to drink,
and you know, we were drinkingevery weekend. I was sometimes drinking at

(24:02):
school. I remember Mondays were alwaysthe day I drove my mom's car.
At that point, and I wouldsleep in her the back seat of her
car would fold all the seats down. I would sleep in like the trunk
and back seat of her car ona Monday. I you know, and
I never just know, like youngkids drinking, there's no healthy like it's

(24:30):
just not a healthy experience. SoI think probably a lot of people resonate
with that. But I drank tocompletely and fully numb myself out, I
remember, and I could only reallyaccess the pain of the trauma through what

(24:52):
I was viewing as like a regulatedmind, or like I was completely numb,
and then I could be there likeI could. But actually I remember,
like I told a friend, itwas like quite a while after that
I had had sex. I didn'tI didn't tell her the full extent of
it, and I could talk aboutit because I was hammered I had.

(25:15):
I was completely numb, and Iwas allowing more abuse to happen when I
was drinking. And you know,it was like I was the fun,
funny girl that didn't care. I'dnever dated. I was just numb and
drinking. And when I got older, I never had a problem with alcohol,

(25:40):
but when I drank, it wasalmost like I would access that part
of me from the past that waslike okay with being abused or okay with
being numb, and I would losemy sense of self fully, like even

(26:00):
yeah, just having like glasses ofwine by myself at you know, in
the evening, like it. Itmade me drop back into that that pain.
But I was so numb to itthat I would add to it.
I don't know if that makes sense, And so part of drinking, you
know, I don't want to ifit's poison and nothing good comes out of

(26:21):
it. But I'm I'm, Ijust don't feel that it's good for anyone.
I just and I know it's notgood for me. I know that
those layers of pain and wounding andtrauma and and the the shame that you

(26:45):
know, sixteen to twenty one ortwenty maybe is so alive in my body
and you know, a lot ofit I haven't accessed at all. And

(27:07):
I'm slowly, you know, learninghow to be with my body and to
process that. I'm so proud ofmyself for all that, but I know
that that drinking just pushes me intothose places. But I get sent their

(27:27):
numb and that's really dangerous to me, that that feels really destructive. Oh
thanks for being there for that,you guys. I have no idea how
I got to how I got there. Oh well, oh well, m

(27:53):
I do remember wearing the hat,felling completely embodying something. So it's just
really neat to me that I'm realizingthat I showed up in my life like
that, and and that's that's that'snot authentic. For one, it's not
real. For two, it's notreal for anybody. So maybe as we're

(28:17):
having this little shared experience together,you can just note, like where that
might happen in your life if youresonate with that, Like notice where you
feel like you have to wear onehat folly and completely. Because if I
show up as like a certain personin my dating life, then I could

(28:41):
never show up like sensitive or oremotional, or I could never show up
with expectations or boundaries like because that'snot the archetype I was trying to play.
And if I try to show upas just the healer in my work,
then we would never have these conversations. You would never see the wounding,

(29:02):
you would never see my pain,you would never resonate with me,
because because most people don't walk aroundgoing I am the healer fully and completely.
So you would never resonate with me. We would never have human experiences,
we would never be able to crytogether, we would never be able
to feel together. Oh, mybody feels good. I just want to

(29:29):
like bring you back to my chestand my heart. My heart is still
feels a little fluttery, but it'sslower. My chest feels light. It
kind of feels like almost shaky,like quivery, like I can tell I
need to like move it through mybody. When I'm done talking, I

(29:52):
just feel like having my mouth reallylike open, like ah, Like it
just feels like a release. Yeah. So where in your life do you
feel like you're trying to not justbe regular you? Because regular you has

(30:15):
a lot of different parts. It'sgot, you know, the part of
you that is really sweet and sensitiveand caring, and then there's a part
of you that won't take bullshit.And there's a part of you that this
that's that that's the healer, that'sthe wounded, that's the the sex python,
that's like this sweet little angel girl. There's a part of you that

(30:38):
you're the full You're the full mealdeal. I would hate for you to
deny all of that. Just toplay one role because you think that's the
best option. Because I hate thatI did that. I hate that I

(30:59):
felt like I had to do that, and in many ways I did.
I think to survive I had to. Yeah, I think I had to
in different ways. But I don'twant that for us, because, oh

(31:22):
my god, I would hate ifDawson ever felt like that. I would
hate it if she felt like shehad to suppress parts of her and had
to show up as something in orderto feel okay or safe or supported or
loved or worthy or capable, whateverthat might be. Mmm, I should

(31:49):
get into answering some of the questionsthat came my way. Money seems to
be a really big topic right now. You know when people reach out for
readings, or you know I dolike and ask me anything, or I
just recently put out a question andanswer a thing for the program that I'm

(32:14):
offering starting March sixth. I'm justsaying, like, hey, women in
the Healing Arts, do you haveany questions or like topics or blocks or
feelings or fears around owning your roleor being in that role? And so
much of it is money, Likehow can I make enough money? How

(32:35):
can I sustain myself. How canI see enough clients? How can I
get through the blocks that I alreadyhave around money? And I mean this
topic, I'll have to do ita whole separate series on money because it's
so complex and there's so many waysto move through it. In all the

(32:55):
work I do, we have tohonor the whole view. And the whole
view would be the energetics around money, the mental connection to money, the
emotional connection to money, and thenthe physical connection to money. And I
will say to just briefly talk aboutit today, I feel like the manifesting

(33:21):
information is so abundant in the world, which is so great. Right,
we understand belief systems. I feellike, for the most part, we
understand that belief systems can be somethingthat we experience in this lifetime. But
also we carry the cells of generationsup to seven. Sorry, we carry
the cells of seven generations prior tothis one. So if my cells are

(33:45):
imprinted by the deep fear of mygreat great great great great grandfather seven generations
ago, his cells changed because ofthat fear change so that the next generation
is more able to cope with that. So, say, you know,

(34:10):
the potato famine generations of people thatdidn't have enough food. Their cells change
so that the generation that comes afterthem will maybe not have as much of
an appetite or maybe could handle theconditions that they were in. And so

(34:34):
this happens. But that's happening andwe carry it for seven generations. So
seven generations ago, there could havebeen experiences where there was no wealth,
there was no money, there wasno resources, and the cells were changing
to be able to be resilient tothose conditions. Well, I'm not in
those conditions now. I do haveresources, I do have access to money,

(34:54):
I do have it's different now.So there's things like that. We
have this like the epigenetics of beliefsystems, and then we also have our
first seven years of belief systems.So this is when the whole blueprint is
laid. In the first seven years, there's a few things happening. We're

(35:17):
in the first stage of development interms of human development and an anthroposophic standpoint
as well as we have the rootchakra developing. And what this can highlight
is that this is the foundation ofthe house that's getting built. So if

(35:40):
we build a house that rather afoundation of a house that can hardly withstand
any weight. It's weak and it'scracked. What we build on top of
the house is potentially going to crumble, it's not going to be able to
withhold. So in the first sevenyears off, we're building the foundation.

(36:01):
And things are not taught, theyare caught. And this is my favorite
sentence to remind parents, because I'llhave people in my world who and I
remind myself of this a lot,who are in my world and they're like,
you know, I want to bethe best mom, and so I

(36:21):
you know, I don't take careof myself because I'm trying to take care
of them, or I don't cryin front of them because I want them
to just like see their mom happy. And they try to control the situation.
And the problem is that no matterhow much you control something that's not
going to translate. It will nottranslate that way. So things are caught.

(36:44):
They catch the energy, they feelthe experience. You could teach them
to cry when you need to cry, to feel your emotions, to apologize,
but if you are not exercising thosethings, your children will not learn
them. They'll remember them. Maybethey'll have the logical skill of doing it,

(37:04):
but the embodiment might not be there. So in these first seven years,
we see our parents, we seethe world outside of us. We
are just sort of creating this blueprintfor all of our belief systems. And
what's really interesting, especially from theanthroposophic standpoint of the first seven years,
Steiner would say that you keep thefirst seven years like really safe, fairy

(37:31):
tales, rainbows butterflies, like blueskies beautiful, because they will reach a
stage of development in the next stage, which is seven to fourteen, but
it's around eight or nine. It'scalled the nine year change, and that
is a huge shift in development andit's really quite challenging for those children around

(37:55):
that age. And so the firstseven years we want to cultivate the safest,
most wonderful experience for them because theyare going to experience hardship later like
it's earth. They are going tohave adverse situations, they are going to

(38:15):
struggle, they're going to feel pain, they are going to learn lessons on
money and love and health and relationships. They're gonna have that. So these
first seven years are so important tocultivate safety and to teach them by showing

(38:37):
and mimicking and by doing the firstseven years are not for a chalkboard and
okay, here's a presentation on howto be happy or like, it's like
we have to embody it fully.They mirror us, they mimic us.
So in terms of money belief systems, we see we're taking in all this

(39:00):
information up until seven and those beliefsystems are there, like they become a
part of our foundation. So that'sagain this like mental the mental piece behind
it. The energetics of money.I know a lot of people are quite
familiar with this too. We moneyis infinite, and we have these energetic

(39:24):
thermostats, is what I like tocall it. So if I have typically
most people have like a really comfortableamount of money that they're used to seeing
whether it's comfortable for them to liveor it's just comfortable because they know it.
But oftentimes people see the same numbersin their bank accounts, They have

(39:45):
the same in their checking, thesame in their savings, and they have
the same amount on their what theyowe or their visas or their line of
credit or whatever. And so ifthey have like say a really great month
at work and they take in allthis money, well maybe they have a
bill that comes up unexpectedly and itbrings that down. So think of it

(40:05):
like a thermostat. If you haveit set to seventy in your house and
there's a heat wave outside and theheat goes up, the thermostat will have
to kick the air conditioning in tobring it down to seventy again. And
if there's a cold snap, theyit'll have to kick in the heat so
it goes back up to seventy.So seventy is the sweet spot. So

(40:27):
this is what I call like anenergetic threshold or the ceiling of comfort.
And I've talked about this a littlebit before that when we expand beyond the
threshold that we have, so seventyfeel safe, And we could directly translate
that to like what number feels safeto have? Like what number is comfortable

(40:52):
for you? And I don't meanthat like what you want because I want
a billion dollars. But if Isaw a billion dollars in my bank account,
what I feel safe? I don'tknow, So, like what's the
comfort level that you're at? Where'syour thermostat at right now? And when
we start to expand beyond that,we have to again holistically support ourselves in
that upgrade I can't just go.I believe that I can handle this money.

(41:16):
It's not a mental game. It'snot just a physical game. It's
not just an energetic game. It'snot just an emotional game. All of
them work together, so that isthe energetic piece to it. Of course,
there's like the vibrational law, likeattract like like attracts. Like if

(41:38):
I'm like I have no money andI'm poor and i don't have anything,
I'm at a vibrate of vibrational frequencyof lack, you know, maybe mistrust,
fear, maybe guilt or shame.So I'm low on the frequency scale
there, and we know this tobe true that I then will attract things

(42:01):
at a like frequency. But Ido not want you to get this confused
with honoring the body and your emotionalbody. We I feel, may have
gone a little crazy in thinking thatwe were trying to work on the energetics

(42:24):
of money and we actually were bypassingthe physical realness inside of our body.
So when I have to like investmoney into something that's like a little bit
more than I'm used to spending,my body responds to it. But what
we do is we go, ohmy god, well I'm messing with my

(42:45):
vibrational frequency and I'm gonna attract lossand oh my god, and we start
to like try to control the sensationsthat we're having, when really we need
to drop into the body, noticewhat's coming up. I don't even need
to know why it could have beenthat seven generations ago, my great great

(43:06):
great great great great grandfather invested ina cow and then the cow never got
delivered and he got screwed over.I don't I actually do not need to
know. What I need to know, though, is that I'm having a
response to something in my life andI have to honor it in order to
move through it. It's always like, how can I remove the block?

(43:29):
And it's like, okay, we'renot builders, Like I'm not like Mario
Party, just like hopping on thingsand busting things open. Like we have
to put the block in our mouth, swallow the block, feel the block
in our body, want to barfit out it feels gross. That's how
we move through the block. Sodon't get the like, don't get hung

(43:54):
up on the felt sense deterring theother things. The felt sense, in
my experience, the embodiment of moneyand belief systems is the most effective way

(44:15):
to move through money blocks, feararound money, resistance around spending money.
You know, I would look likewhen I'd have visa money on my visa,
I couldn't even look at it,like I was had such adverse reactions
to looking at my bank account,to looking at like I remember I'd pay

(44:38):
for stuff, and it's like mybody was reacting and I was just like
I am a millionaire, Like I'mtrying to affirmation my way through this,
like incredibly strong feeling in my body. No, it doesn't work like that.
Sure there would be benefit to that. I'm not saying there's not,
but I know in my experience andwith lots of people that I've with,

(45:00):
when they can actually drop into thebody and experience it that way, it
shifts so much more. And again, I don't want you to think that
it's a one time thing like oh, I dropped in and I felt myself,
you know, move through this andI'm done. It happened again,

(45:21):
like, oh my god, I'mnot making any progress. You're not going
to do a bicep curl one dayand then be able to win an arm
wrestling competition with like some jacked armwrestling dude, this consistency in being with
the body, the embodiment, sothat you can appropriately tend to the holistic

(45:44):
experience of the mental, energetic,the emotional, and the physical. But
I would argue that the physical,you know, often leads the way,
because again, I can't affirm myway through something if my body is just
needing me for a minute and thenit just it creates so much resistance,

(46:07):
and I think we all know whatthat feels like. We're just working against
ourselves swimming upstream. I hope thatmakes sense to just let to do the
body first, because imagine what thatcommunicates to energetically. If my body is

(46:30):
in full arousal mode, it's like, oh my god, this feels dangerous
panic and I'm trying to control theenergetic. That's not gonna work. If
I move myself from panic to atleast ease, to at least calm,
to at least being seen or heardto at least down regulating it a little

(46:52):
bit, that translates hugely. Oh, money was scary, but I think
we can be safer with it.Ooh, money provoked a huge response.
She obviously wants it. Ooh,it looks like she might be able to
handle it right, like, whatis that communicating? That communication is way

(47:15):
better than just like, Oh,I want it so much better. I
only had time to answer the onequestion. So I will be back to
record another full episode very soon.I'm so excited to talk more about the
program that I'm launching, the freeoffering Tantric Trust be there. It's free.

(47:37):
There's gonna be a recording that getssummed out after. There's literally nothing
stopping you from enjoying this little miniclass on trust. Whether you are in
the healing arts or not, thisis a great opportunity to cultivate the inmbodiment
of trust. We're gonna move throughsome practices together. It's a really short

(47:58):
and beautiful little class that I feellike would benefit you if you feel curious
about it. I'm excited to comeback and do another full episode to talk
more about what's happening in my life. Yeah, I love you, Thank
you for being here. You areso cool and so smart and so funny

(48:28):
and so special and so brave andso willing and all of those things make
you. I'm your biggest fan.Okay, love you Bye,