October 27, 2023 • 57 mins
In this episode (Dawson's episode comes out NEXT I promise) I discuss how the Eclipse is operating behind the scenes and what is happening in Nicole's world right now.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Welcome to episode seven of A GirlWilling. It is your pal Nicole,
and we are in the depths ofthe eclipse. Tomorrow is the exact lunar
eclipse in Taurus, and this isactually our final Taurus Scorpio axis eclipse that
we will see until twenty thirty one. I believe this series that we're in
(00:25):
right now started November twenty twenty one, and so we are actually coming to
a bit of a close with thiscycle. And Taurus and Scorpio is the
axis and the energy is quite anintense scale. I'll say, I feel
like it's one of the more painfulscales in astrology. It really shows us
(00:54):
the depth of the emotional range andthen how it surfaces. So Taurus is
the fruiting body, it's what wecan see above ground, it's what's tangible,
and then Scorpio is the depth.And so they work in this opposition
where it's kind of you know,every time I teach or I have the
(01:17):
opportunity to pull an object out ofmy pocket a rock is ideal or a
crystal, and I'll show someone oneside of it and I'll say, like,
if this is love, and thenI flip it over this is grief.
They're a part of the same experience, same with joy and apathy,
whatever it might be. So they'rethe same unit. It's just a different
(01:42):
expression of the thing. And soTaurus and Scorpio, the it's really that
in motion. It's like the painand the love, the peace and the
heartache and the pleasure and the pain, and it's all about this very opposing
(02:07):
emotional expression. And so yeah,just it's had me in the energy of
the last couple of years since thisseries started November twenty twenty one and looking
at the themes and how this hasall been unplaying. But truthfully, this
(02:30):
last week for me has been reallyfull. So the last time I uploaded,
I was heading into a busy weekand I was sharing about some of
the events I had coming up,which has been super fun. I did
(02:51):
forty nine readings in twenty four hourslast weekend. I had three clients,
and then I went to an eventthat I did thirty six mini readings,
so like five to ten minute readingsfor thirty six people in four hours,
(03:13):
and that was pretty incredible. Andthen the next day I had it was
a part of a grand opening fora beautiful healing space here in the couch
and valley where I also did somereadings. So yeah, I did that,
and then the week it was justbusy, you know, where Dawson's
(03:38):
here, my work is here,I'm doing this, I'm doing that,
and then the house gets sort ofneglected. And then so the house was
messy, and I was behind onsome of my work because I have clients
and in obligations that I show upto, right like I have someone booked
at six tonight and then at sevenfifteen tonight, I had someone booked at
(03:59):
twelve today. I have to showup to those things. But then I
also have birth charts and typed upreadings, and I had to write up
a monthly horoscopes for a company inthe States, which is super cool.
So there's all these things behind thescenes that I'm also obligated to do,
but I have a little bit moreleeway on when I do them. So
(04:23):
I could do them at midnight ifI wanted, I could do them at
five in the morning if I wanted. And then of course I have like
content that I have to create andcourses that I'm planning, and so then
there's all that stuff that has tofit in somewhere. And then also I
have a six year old who comesbefore all of that. And then I
(04:44):
also am a being. I havemy own needs, and then I also
have a house that needs tending andso and then I'm in this school right
now on Fridays, and then I'mfinishing up these courses that I need to
finish up, which I know Italked about last time. So there's all
of these moving parts, and whenmy rhythm is engaged and I'm in that,
(05:08):
it all flows so beautifully. Youknow. Obviously it has its hiccups,
and I have grace for myself whenI need to scale back or to
amp it up, or when Ineed help. I have so many yeah,
so much love and support around methat I can utilize. So it's
(05:28):
not anyhow, because the weekend wasso full, and then Sunday we were
gone all day. We went upmushroom foraging and it ended up being more
of a observing again. But andthen all of a sudden, it's Monday,
and it's back to school. It'sback to scheduled stuff, it's back
(05:54):
to sports, it's back to clients, and so all the things that I
need to you when I don't haveclients booked has to somehow flow through the
obstacles of just my weekly life.And it's not obstacles in the sense that
they're bad. It's just they arestructured. So I have to take Dawson
(06:15):
to this, and I have tobe here, and so there's just more
rocks, big rocks in the stream, and so the parts that flow with
me, I just have more rocksto get around, and it just all
kind of piled up. And thenwe lost power, which of course,
you know, throws another stick inthe spoke, and it's all again going
(06:39):
to It's still flowing, which isreally cool. I used to think of
that as like, holy shit,the brakes got put on, and now
I'm like got whiplash and I'm nevergoing to catch up. And it used
to really send me into that flightresponse. And I wouldn't have the ability
to to like I wouldn't eat Iwouldn't you know, I've made myself.
(07:05):
I got home from school actually,and I had a client at noon,
and I was going to be acouple minutes late if I ate, and
so typically I wouldn't have eaten.Even though I have the ability to text
this client who's like so flexible andso great, just be like, hey,
I'm gonna be three minutes late atthe most. I typically wouldn't have
eaten. I would have just donethe client and then the next client and
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the next thing, and then Iwould have gone the whole day without eating.
But I texted the client and Iwas like, hey, I'm going
to be maybe a minute or twolate, and I think I was one
minute late, and I ate areally great meal, So anyhow I can.
It still feels like I'm flowing,which is really great. Yeah,
(07:48):
just flowing. And this eclipse hasreally brought me to this really interesting space.
And I know I said that Dawsonthe Dawson episode would be next,
but I just feel like I wantedto do a little brain dump on my
(08:11):
own and then I'll record with herthis weekend and it'll be up. I
don't really know if I have wordsfor what I'm feeling, but I guess
I often feel that way and thenthe words flow. But hm, let's
see what comes out. So thiseclipse, any eclipse, and I know
(08:35):
I've talked about the eclipse a littlebit in a previous episode, but eclipses
are this time where the universe orthe cosmic forces, the cosmos. Whatever
you want to say, is sayingyou step back, I've got the wheel,
and that alone is challenging. Thatalone is really it's a hard pill
(09:01):
to swallow for a lot of people. And so the way we do that
is we stop big ritual work.We don't, you know, in terms
of people who do big rituals atmajor illuminations or they're working on manifesting in
astrology, we say, like,this is a time to put those things
(09:24):
on the back burner a little bit. So instead of working with the energy
of attraction and this is like I'mputting all this stuff out and in and
you being in control of the paceof your life, we're saying, Okay,
I'm going to drop the rhythm thatI have created for myself and I'm
willing to see what happens when theuniverse takes over for a minute, because
(09:48):
it probably knows more than I do, and it'll see my blind spots where
I'm not willing to see or ableto have access to see. So it's
this excellent opportunity to actually just detachfrom a lot of the things that we
work on. And so things likemanifesting or sorry, things like meditation and
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the ways you would typically tend toyourself, Like if you normally meditate and
do Kundelini, well then continue thosethings. But if you're not, then
don't begin those practices in a waythat is meant to sort of manipulate energy,
if that makes sense. So wedon't want to take on any type
(10:35):
of force role. And so withthat intention, I just really detached consciously
from wanting anything. And I oftenI practice so much gratitude, and not
(11:00):
because I feel like I need toor because it's like a practice. It's
just because I genuinely feel that wayabout my life, which I'm again in
awe with. But when I'm inthat and I notice that I'm in that
gratitude, I'll be like I haveeverything I need, and I truly believe
that to my core. But ofcourse I also have desires that expand beyond
(11:28):
what is present in my world,and so on a front of desire or
manifestation or intention or things that Iwould like to call in, those things
are still very much palpable. Istill understand what they are. But during
this leading up to the eclipse,I've been really and in between and sort
(11:50):
of the black hole of eclipses.We're in between and in it, we're
in the season. I've been tryingto detach even from that want, like,
this is what I know I want. So I have everything now that
I need and I'm so fulfilled inevery aspect, and I want this.
That was always like the way Ikind of lived right there was this awareness
(12:13):
of what I wanted. Oh mycat wants it, let's let her in.
So that awareness was there what Iwanted. So I've taken that and
I've tried to detach from that asmuch as I can. Where the but
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this is the things that I wantgot cut off, not because I don't
want them, but because I don'tknow if I want them anymore, because
I set that into motion at somepoint and it has stuck with me.
(12:54):
All of these things that I feellike I have in my intention bank of
the desires I don't feel have beenupdated in a very long time. They're
evolving. I would say, it'skind of like if you go, Okay,
I'm gonna start dating, and thisis what I want in my future
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partner. This is my dream,my god man, this is it.
And then you go out and youstart going on dates and you're like,
well, you know this, Ihave more ideas on this, and it
evolves, the image or the intentionevolves. But do we ever like cut
it off completely. I don't knowthat I have. I feel like all
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my desires are the things that I'vebeen calling in have just evolved, but
they've never been detached from, notin the manifesting detached way where it's like
you have to in order to callit in, you have to fully detach
from it and release it because it'sfull trust. And I actually have a
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really really fantastic manifesting course that Ihave created, but it's not ready to
like energetically, it doesn't align withwhat's happening right now, but it will
be put out eventually and it's soso good. But I just feel like
(14:18):
I needed to purify me and mywants so that I could understand the truth
of what I want, because I'vebeen carrying this luggage with these edited things
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that I want. It's been scratchedout and rewritten and scratched out and rewritten
and all these attachments because when Iset these things in to motion of what
I wanted. And I'm just gonnause the example of men and dating because
it's just the easiest way I canexplain it right now. When I set
(15:01):
this dream man, this god Maninto motion, and I went out in
the world and I experienced dating orexperienced meeting men, that became edited,
and I transformed that original desire becauseI accumulated more information and my capacity for
(15:22):
what I wanted changed, or orsome of the things I realized were more
important than others. But that originalseed was there and continues to be there,
and then throughout my experience of datingand meeting different people, those attachments
now have connected to that desire.So in a sense, this original god
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Man dream Man desire is all thesebits and pieces of these people that I've
encountered or dated or connected to,and it's been edited a million times.
So it's just it's a messy intention, I feel like, and I didn't
have clarity on that until I purifiedthe wants. So in the last couple
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of weeks, I was like,I need to snip all these intentions.
And it's not just with dating.It's with work and business and other things
that I have said yes to thatnow I'm needing to again. I was
editing them. I was like,yeah, this and that and trying to
solve it. But I'm like,I need to fully get all these wants
away from me so I can justsee my truth, like if I left
(16:34):
the luggage at home and went outinto the world, like what is my
truth? But instead I've been curingthis, all these attachments of these wants.
So I just I just did,like I just detached from it,
and I started using the language ofthese are my preferences instead of wants.
(16:59):
And I don't even know that Iuse the word want, but I had
a desire or a want or aneed sometimes as well. But I started
using the word preference so that Icould build a new connection to these desires.
(17:19):
So I started to detach from thewants. And in this so much
clarity. I don't even know ifI'm gonna use the word clarity yet,
because the felt sense is there,the experience. I know, I'm experiencing
it in my body. There's aknowing that is birthing, but I am
(17:45):
not sure that I'm actually fully clearon it, but I do know it
is revealing itself. So but inthat I'm gaining a lot of clarity.
I hope that makes sense. Butso I have these things away, and
I'm I'm feeling a new connection tomy truth. So I even with like
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community, I'm like, you know, a year ago, I over a
year ago, I really put thisintention or this desire for community and for
connection outside of my work at home, because I don't I see people over
zoom and that's it unless I'm hostingsomething in which I started to do weekly.
(18:34):
And so again that was edited andit had all these attachments now and
so I'm like, okay, let'scut it. And then so like huge
physical connection and clarity in the physicalbody. Again, I don't know if
it's mental clarity yet, but physicalclarity of oh, this is actually what
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I'm desiring now, this is actuallymy truth right now. But I had
to eliminate the old thing fully andwith dating and with you know, streams
of income and all these ideas andlike goals for my work and motherhood.
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Again, like think about how manyattachments we gather in just one day around
these things, and I needed torevisit them all. And it wasn't really
intentional. I just felt like Ihad to purify the wants. And then
this started to have a really physicalconnection to my body and I truthfully haven't
(19:48):
prioritized movement hardly at all in thelast week and a half, which is
not great for me. I needthat. And so I'm feeling all these
things physically and emotions keep rolling inand they're it's called like an uncompleted event
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when we have something surface but wedon't come full circle with it. And
so I know I'm like this hostfor all these uncompleted events right now.
So I do need to move andto physically process, and I'm going to
prioritize that. It's crazy, likeI feel like I have to schedule that
(20:33):
in which is so odd, butI still need to do it. So
this host for all these uncompleted events, I need to process it because all
these things are rising and again there'sthis physical sensation to it. And so
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in this purity or this purifying,I'm understanding what my preferences are. And
I've gotten to show up in mylife without these attached wants, and it's
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just given me these these moments ofclarity too, where like I was at
Dawson's she had the play at herschool, and it's this beautiful play where
you know, the light can tamethe dark, uh with will and courage
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and strength and and that you canovercome disharmony that is created. And I
was sitting there and it's so emotional, so deeply felt watching this play,
and I'm emotional and I'm sitting thereand I'm like, my wants that was
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still attached to me wouldn't allow forme to realize that I need a partner
who can sit here with me,hold space for my emotions, but also
deeply feel that play on the levelthat I did, and not necessarily having
to experience the same quality of emotionor the same expression of the emotion,
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but as deep as I did tobe able to leave and debrief about it
and to have I don't know ifI went into that play prior to purifying
the wants, that that would beso there would be space for me to
make that connection. I think apart of me that if I didn't purify
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that, the part of me wouldhave that it would have been tucked up
so close to me that it's justI want a partner here with me.
I think that would have been theconnection before it would have been so nestled
up tight there'd been no space betweenme and the desire is maybe what I've
been doing up and creating space betweenme and my truth and me and my
desire so that I can just seeit and feel it and it not be
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so tight to me where it's likeI have to own it. But what
the fuck even is it? BecauseI think before I would have been at
that play and have been like,oh, it would be so good to
have a partner here with me.But the clarity, I guess, and
the difference is is that I gotto experience it so deeply, and my
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preference is that I don't want apartner here. I had partners there,
I had family and friends, Ihad people around me. I want someone
to feel that as deeply as Idid, and to be able to go
home with me and feel that andbe able to like discuss it and feel
(24:03):
it. Because I feel like Ifeel things deeper than anyone else in the
world. I'm like, oh,like I want the depth of feeling with
a partner. That's my preference.It's not that I want a partner.
My preference is actually that I wanta deep feeling person in my life.
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My preference isn't that I'm I havelike a job outside the whole. My
preference is that I want connection.So it's just all of these the space
that I'm creating for myself to findthese preferences. And in the viewpoint of
preferences, we get to go like, I'm okay not being in a relationship.
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I'm okay being single, but Iprefer to be in one. But
I'm not creating this force for myselfor this lack for myself, for this
disgust for myself that I'm not init. Same with like anything anything in
the world that we want, youknow, I'm okay where I am.
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I'm I'm accept this fully, butI prefer to have this or for this
to be my reality or for thisto be my experience, or for this
to be whatever's happening. Preferences justfeels like there's so much more air in
that and I can breathe a littlebit and it's not this like weight on
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me. And I've had so manyrealizations I guess of that I need to
continue this space. You know,I was sharing a little bit about dating
and meeting people and and I'm justI'm just like recalibrating I think my truth
(26:00):
around that I was actually thinking becausethe last update that I gave you guys
on dating was that guy in Vancouverand like, I don't I still don't
think if we were in contact thatI would still have been able to get
(26:22):
over to him. And he hadoffered to come here, and it just
his schedule was really different than mine, like when he could come over would
be. It was just odd andit just didn't feel it didn't speak to
me in a way that wasn't justlike aw fun in the matrix, which
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is great, and I think Ideserve to have fun in the matrix and
to be taken out and treated likea queen and all that fun stuff,
But it didn't speak to me.I can do that for myself, Like
it didn't speak to me a waywhere it felt like the exchange of me
having to logistically take time out ofmy life to go to Vancouver or I
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don't know, the exchange didn't feelreally worth it kind of so I don't
know. I'm creating all this spacein me and yeah, it feels good
to again. It's given me thischance to see what my fears are.
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Because if we want something deeply andwe don't have it, there is some
resistance, there's some lack of safety, there's some belief, there's some something
and it usually comes down to sometype of lack of safety, and then
there's the subcategory underneath that, sothere's some type of resistance if we want
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something deeply and it's not there.And so I'm sitting with this opposite I'm
really good at, like alchemizing pain. I guess I don't know if that's
even but I have done this thingforever, which is I think maybe a
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byproduct of my OCD actually, becauseI would take these like crazy really sick
fears and this like sick pain thatwould like attack me violently, and then
I would like have to sit withit, right like I'd have to.
I have to sit with it sothat I could figure out how to make
it go away. And then Iwould try to make it go away with
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closing and opening drawers and you know, saying certain things. And but I
had to sit with this crazy,uncomfortable, sick, disgusting fears, and
so I got used to kind ofsitting with like these horrid things. And
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it's so in the sense of thesethings that we want, it's like,
Okay, what is the thing ifI don't end up in my god relationship
with my God man with this mydream partnership. What is the thing that
I am fearing opposite to that?What's the other end of the scale.
So it's like touching that pain,It's like touching that that the shadow of
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it, so that you can buildsome type of like reality around it,
because often the shadows aren't as spookyas we think. It's like, you
know, I talked about the hauntedhouse. I actually have this really cool
piece of writing on what it feelslike to have a haunted house inside of
(29:48):
you. But like, yeah,it's spooky, but when you turn the
lights on, it's just fake spiderwebsand fabric on the walls and special lighting
and someone in a mask like andso that's typically what those shadows are.
So if one end of the spectrumis to be you want to have this
amazing relationship, this dream partner,what is the opposite to that? And
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sitting with that, Okay, I'mgoing to be alone and what does that
mean for me? It means thatno one wanted me. And I'm trying
to sit in that so that Ican also see that me being in a
relationship doesn't affirm that I'm wanted.So if my opposite to my desire.
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The thing that I'm afraid of isthat, oh I wasn't wanted. Okay,
well that is not the opposite tothat is not oh then someone wanted
you. That fear is gone,because that's just something that's within me that
I if I'm fearing that no onewould want me, or that I'm not
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worthy of that whatever it might be. The solution in this kind of fucked
up way is like, well,then someone would choose me in a relationship,
and then that would never exist.That fear or that feeling or that
belief would be dissolved. But that'snot the truth. Those those are not
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opposite. It's either. The truthis is that you're in a relationship or
you're not in a relationship. That'sthe opposite. That's what the scale is.
You're in one or you're not inone. So I'm just sitting with
all these things, and like Isaid at the beginning, I don't I
don't know. I need a lotmore time in this space. I need
(31:37):
a lot more space here and theyneed to to feel into it more.
But I've had these you know,it's like, Okay, you want lots
of money, what's the opposite,what are you afraid of? There?
Oh, but I'm a failure.I'm not capable. Okay, Well,
those are not directly linked. It'seither you have money or you don't have
(32:02):
money. Has nothing to do withall those things. Those are attachments that
you've owned and accumulated for some reason, and you don't even need to know
the reason. But that is notthe opposite of having money, you know,
I don't know, do I evenknow? I don't know. But
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I've just had these like and I'vebeen so fricking like not had a ton
of time to sit with myself.So I'm sure if I as I do
in these coming days, I willhave a greater sense of what this feels
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and looks like and means for me. But yeah, it's just really interesting
to work with this this energy andsitting with the fear of no one wants
me and I'm going to be aloneforever? What is that mean? What
am I afraid of? Because beingin a relationship wouldn't solve my feeling of
(33:07):
not being wanted. It's not goingto take that away. Because I've been
in relationships I have I have peoplethat would love to go on dates,
that ask me on dates. Ihave people that are that want me quote
unquote doesn't take away that feeling.So it's not the solution, that's not
the opposite of it. Yeah,yeah, fun. I can't believe how
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like men men I love men menare. Men are amazing, women are
amazing, humans are amazing. Butmen when they see me, I have
the most immediate emotional reaction. Iwas on a plane to Medicine Hat,
(34:07):
Alberta from Victoria and I flew toCalgary and then I was getting on a
plane from Calgary to Medicine Hat.Correct me if I'm wrong. I think
it's like a half hour flight.And we get on the plane. I
get on the plane and there isone other person on the plane and we
just so happened to be beside eachother seated. Nobody else gets on the
(34:28):
plane. It's just us two andwe are side by side. And he's
an older man and he was inthe window seat. I was in the
middle. So I was like,as soon as we have the chance to
say, like, can I move, I'm gonna move. And so the
flight attendant came by and she waslike, oh, once we like do
(34:49):
the cabin check whatever, you canmove if you want, and I was
like, okay, sweet, Andthis was the first time I had been
away from Dawson. I was goingto visit my my family in Alberta.
My cousin was graduating, and soI was like pretty tender leaving for a
couple nights. She was two anda half and I just stopped breastfeeding and
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it was like, yeah, itwas tender. So I just started making
small talk with this guy. Oh, what are you doing? Yeah,
your flight from kat whatever. Butsomething happened with the flying situation where we
could not take off, so wewere landed for like stuck there, so
we couldn't move seats until like wegot to a certain part of the journey.
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I guess, I don't know,So him and I end up just
smart talking. He's a death dulahe was going to medicine hat to assist
someone's dying, and we were onthe tarmac I guess for forty five minutes
before we took off. Do youthink I moved seats? No, I
(36:00):
did not. We talked the entiretime. I was in hysterics the entire
time. I have these really profoundmoments where I get like cracked open and
it's like this transformational, unbelievable experienceevery so often. And this is probably
(36:21):
like one of the top ones I'veever had in my life. And he
is one of the coolest people I'veever met. I don't even know what
he said, but he said everythingthat I needed to hear and didn't want
to hear and would hear eventually,but heard it out this time and needed
(36:44):
to hear when I was younger,Like he was medicine in motherfucking motion.
It was so insane. And Isat there and just bald and he didn't
try to like hold like he didn'treact to me feeling. He just like
saw me feeling, and like wasthere holding space. He was in proximity
(37:07):
safely to my emotions. He didn'ttry to solve them. He didn't like
nothing, he didn't nothing. Itwas just he was just there and then
would continue sharing. And it wasso profound. And I've had these moments
with men where like I've done tarotreading on this guy a couple of years
(37:31):
ago at an event and like heended up sitting there for like an hour
and a half and like profound experiences. And the other day we did breathwork
for like eight minutes before the grandopening. My friend Christina Margaret, who's
fantastic, facilitated this breathwork for us, and I sat up and there was
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a man that was a part ofthe grand opening. We just made eye
contact. He was an older man, and immediately I just start bawling and
I'm like, he just saw me, Like we just made eye contact.
And I don't even know what itis, but it is so raw and
(38:12):
I don't know what it is,but it's when a man has like the
ability to see me and there benothing attached to it. And it's not
just like sexually attached. It's alsojust like expectations like am I you know,
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Like let's say, for my dad, it's like he sees me,
but also I want to him toview me as really capable and successful and
like am I good? Like there'sthis this expectation that I feel like I
have to be at to some degree. And you know, to men that
(39:01):
have been in my life for awhile, I was so closed off,
Like even my brothers and men whohave been in my life for a long
time, I was so closed offthat it's still I have this expectation of
myself that I can't show up fullybecause it's just too much. So when
(39:22):
I have these experiences with men thatdon't have any attachment at all, Like
they're just strangers, they don't haveany sexual attachment. They're not gonna harm
me, they're not gonna hurt me, they don't want anything from me,
there's no expectations of myself or them. It just cracks me right the fuck
open, and it's so wild.So I a couple episodes ago, I
(39:45):
don't know what it was I wassharing about God, it could have been
the first episode actually, where Iwas sharing about dating and like how men
are, like, oh, you'reso dangerous and like of danger danger.
And I got a text that thatday I recorded, I think from a
(40:07):
friend that I hadn't talked to inlike a year, saying like, oh
those those eyes, something about thatsoul and and just how it's not that
I'm dangerous, it's it's the capacityof the men that I let into my
(40:27):
life and how they, you know, treat me or how they communicate to
me, because it's just based ontheir capacity. Him and I ended up
talking for like three hours the othernight, and I just am opening up
the conversation to be brought here justso emotional. I think, you know,
(41:06):
yeah, I'm just like looking overthis briefly. He's just profound and
so smart and his capacity is sobig. Yeah, I don't even but
(41:29):
it's so so we're talking and he'she's like poetic, and when we talk
to each other, it's like poetry. We're just like I say, almost
like a line of poetry, andthat he does like it's really this Like
really, I think he said atone point, like this is like a
full on cuddle puddle in text,Like it's just really deeply felt and experienced.
(41:49):
It's like no surface at all,and it's so deep in the felt
experience between the two of us thatit is almost like there's no words for
it. It's like this feeling thatgoes back and forth and so emotional for
me to be there. And Icould feel these waves of resistance come up.
(42:10):
And when he acknowledges my like valueor my specialness, or when he
says something that is you know thatanyone else I feel like would love,
(42:39):
anyone else, would m celebrate andtake and I just like this resistance rises
in me so fast, and insteadof I typically would have I felt the
(43:00):
resistance, I would have like endedthe conversation. I would have dipped out.
I would have like closed my phoneup. I would have I would
have done that. But I feltit and I didn't let that part determine
(43:22):
my next move. I felt it, and I felt emotional and there's like
huge sensations in my body. Yeah, I'm just letting all this eclip stuff
(43:44):
do its thing, and in that, I'm trying to support it by listening
to what's showing up around me,what is happening in my inner world old
and not having to control it,not having to go, oh, I
(44:09):
just want to partner here, Oh, he's too emotional or ough whatever,
Just like disgusted. Dealing with shamemakes you consume your disgust like rotten milk.
It just makes you like it makesyou it's force feeding you disgusted when
(44:30):
you work with your shame. AndI feel like I've really worked with shame
and now I'm at the disgust leveland it's like ough all these things.
So instead of resisting all those piecesto support the cosmic flow, I am
(44:54):
letting the disgust come in. Andif it's coming in, and I'm letting
it in, and if it staysthere, for a minute. I'm letting
it stay there for a minute andthen observing the experience that I'm having with
it. Because I don't actually knowhow I feel about it. I think
(45:19):
I do based off of my ownexperience up until this point, based off
of my what gotten a coal here? When something enters my realm, whatever
it is, an experience, aperson, a thought, a wish,
a desire, a preference, andmy body responds to it or we have
(45:47):
some type of response, it's like, oh, I know what that is.
It's this, And it's like,well, that was the nicole that
got me here. I don't knowhow this nicole feels about it. I
don't know how how like I amattaching that on me. It's like a
child when a kid, you know, if Dawson is feeling something and she's
(46:08):
crying, If I was to golike, oh, why are you so
sad? What are you sad for? Then I'm I'm pushing this emotion on
her and maybe she doesn't know whatshe feels. But because I come in
and I go you're sad or you'refeeling sad? Why are you sad?
(46:28):
And I'm trying to solve it,She's never going to learn what it is
like to be Dawson. And Idon't think on purpose we do this as
parents, but we do it,and we have been doing it, and
I don't know that I've fully learnedhow to like know what I'm feeling unless
(46:54):
I observe it fully. So somethingcan rise in Dawson or child and we
can just observe them for a whileand watch them in it and what contributed
contributed to it prior to the tothe the manifestation of the emotion, or
(47:17):
how is the how's the environment responding, and how are they responding to the
environment, Like what is happening?Can I watch that? Same for me?
When I have something rising, it'sso easy to attach these things onto
it. And so this whole thingcomes back to them trying to create more
(47:37):
space for myself, more inner space, more space so that I can build
a better sense of my truth thanwho I am and what I you know,
ultimately want or my preferences. AndI get to in this space have
my disgust in me and and gookay, like what is this actually?
(48:00):
What am I actually feeling when thisis here? Because I am so easy
to be like oh that, ohno, and like that's discussed, like
if I was to label it,or like, oh, I don't know
that makes me feel uncomfortable or Idon't like that, and it's like,
Okay, give it some space tobreathe. I don't know what I'm feeling
yet because I haven't been in thismoment with this feeling or experience yet.
(48:22):
This is new right now, andyes, every moment that came before this
moment is here with me, butI haven't done this one. I was
trying to create this space for meto get to know myself better, and
I'm having to cut away a lotof the momentum of getting to where I
(48:46):
thought I wanted to go in orderto create that space, and so much
has shifted, and so much isshifting and revealing itself in that intention.
It does feel does feel exciting.It also does feel like there's a lot
(49:06):
of tenderness underneath it that I'm justkind of coasting on. I do need
to sink into it a bit.Yeah, I mean, what if we
(49:32):
could just watch ourselves in a feelingor watch our kids in a feeling for
a bit. It was so funnythe other day I said to Dawson,
like she was I think was,you know, in an emotion that was
(50:05):
really we were unable to continue theflow or the rhythm of the day.
So I don't remember the exact thing, but it was like she was feeling
sadness or a type of sadness.From my attachment to it, what I
witnessed, I didn't, I didn'tlabel it. I didn't if she needs
help, if she's, if she'sshe's so because we've built that foundation of
(50:29):
her inner, watching her inner,knowing her life, sense of going this
feels this way, it feels heavy, it feels tight, it feels like
hot, it feels cold, itfeels pleasant, it feels unpleasant, it
feels high energy, it feels lowenergy. She's so brilliant at that process,
so then in that witnessing of herself, she's able to identify things.
(50:54):
Well. Anyhow, we were like, okay, we need to regulate now,
and I'll use that word Okay,let's focus on regulating now so that
we can continue doing like going toschool or whatever we were doing. And
she said to me, Mom,I'm allowed to feel sad. And I
was like, you're so very right, like absolutely, you're allowed to feel
(51:19):
sad, just like I'm allowed tofeel sad like, fuck, yeah,
you are, I'm not I wouldlike whoa yeah. I would never want
to take that away from you.And as wild as that sounds, I
do not want to take Dawson's sadnessaway from her. There is a part
(51:40):
of me that wishes I could keepthe first seven years of you know,
the first seven years should just begoodness. The children shouldn't be exposed to
anything that's not goodness in the firstseven years. It should just literally be
heaven on earth, butterflies and rainbow, fairytale goodness for cultivating their safety on
(52:05):
Earth. It should just be goodness. I wish that that is, you
know, if I could. Apart of me would love to keep that
for her. Nothing unpleasant, nothing'sunsafe, nothing sad, nothing scary forever.
But that is not the type ofexperience that we signed up for when
(52:29):
we came to this planet. SoI don't want to take her sadness from
her. She needs to feel thatbecause her capacity to feel sadness is also
her capacity to feel joy. Soif I come in to try and solve
her sadness and I label her sadness, maybe she wasn't feeling sadness. Maybe
(52:50):
she's feeling something else and I comein and I'm like, what's wrong,
Like how can we fix this?And it's really this solving. Her capacity
to feel, for one, declines. She doesn't build the capacity to feel
and not just feel the stuff that'sundesirable, to feel the good stuff too.
It's the same capacity. It's thesame rock. It could be a
(53:14):
tiny pebble or a huge boulder.It's the same, it's the same unit.
It's just a different expression of it. So if I try to remove
sadness, I'm also removing joy.But also it decreases her self herself,
she doesn't get to know who Dawsonis. If I am trying to take
(53:37):
sadness from her, that's her experience, that's her inner world, that's the
space she creates. It was justsuch a like a pinging moment of like
no, absolutely you can feel sadand also you know the balance of can
(54:04):
we regulate it enough where you cancontinue through your day and complete the event?
Can we complete the event enough whereit's still honored, it still has
to come to fulfill it. Wehave to complete it. It's like starting
a craft and then midway through youknow, being like we have to throw
(54:30):
that out, we got to go, and it's like, okay, that
craft was never done. But ifif the sadness or the emotion is the
craft, it's like, okay,we can we work on gluing this together
now so that we can complete this, so we can continue flowing throughout our
day or getting to school, gettingto the appointment, whatever it is.
So completing the event is important sothat you can continue going. Yeah,
(55:00):
but having this acceptance for me thatit is so important for her to understand
her capacity, especially as she hitsseven and eight and nine and nine is
huge nine year change where it's essentiallylike they they're leaving Heaven and they come
(55:24):
to Earth and then they can't goback to Heaven and they're like whoa.
It's really isolating. It feels likeeverything gets shaken up. There's another twelve
year change and then to fourteen.This is so pivotal for her to start
building this space for her, creatingmore range for her and the thinking and
(55:50):
feeling together and anyhow it's just soeclipsy right now. It's just it's just
everything swirling and feels mid air forme. And if you feel that way,
just let it. It's not goingto be in this suspension forever.
(56:14):
Things do not last forever. Thingschange every moment, constant change, constant
evolution, constant descending, constant ascending. It's constantly changing. So if it
feels like it's mid air, ifit feels like you're the hanging man right
now, you will be back onsolid ground very soon. But what can
(56:38):
you gain here? Because this experience, this moment is fleeting, and there
is medicine in it. So whatcan you gain and what can you recognize
here? What space can you createwithin yourself to really absorb what is here?
(57:01):
Happy eclipse, My head is sofull. If you've been having headaches,
blame the eclipse. Stay hydrated,Do not manifest, do not do
ritual, Tend to your being.I love you, I love you,
Welcome to episode seven of A GirlWilling. It is your pal Nicole,
and we are in the depths ofthe eclipse. Tomorrow is the exact lunar
eclipse in Taurus, and this isactually our final Taurus Scorpio axis eclipse that
we will see until twenty thirty one. I believe this series that we're in
(00:25):
right now started November twenty twenty one, and so we are actually coming to
a bit of a close with thiscycle. And Taurus and Scorpio is the
axis and the energy is quite anintense scale. I'll say, I feel
like it's one of the more painfulscales in astrology. It really shows us
(00:54):
the depth of the emotional range andthen how it surfaces. So Taurus is
the fruiting body, it's what wecan see above ground, it's what's tangible,
and then Scorpio is the depth.And so they work in this opposition
where it's kind of you know,every time I teach or I have the
(01:17):
opportunity to pull an object out ofmy pocket a rock is ideal or a
crystal, and I'll show someone oneside of it and I'll say, like,
if this is love, and thenI flip it over this is grief.
They're a part of the same experience, same with joy and apathy,
whatever it might be. So they'rethe same unit. It's just a different
(01:42):
expression of the thing. And soTaurus and Scorpio, the it's really that
in motion. It's like the painand the love, the peace and the
heartache and the pleasure and the pain, and it's all about this very opposing
(02:07):
emotional expression. And so yeah,just it's had me in the energy of
the last couple of years since thisseries started November twenty twenty one and looking
at the themes and how this hasall been unplaying. But truthfully, this
(02:30):
last week for me has been reallyfull. So the last time I uploaded,
I was heading into a busy weekand I was sharing about some of
the events I had coming up,which has been super fun. I did
(02:51):
forty nine readings in twenty four hourslast weekend. I had three clients,
and then I went to an eventthat I did thirty six mini readings,
so like five to ten minute readingsfor thirty six people in four hours,
(03:13):
and that was pretty incredible. Andthen the next day I had it was
a part of a grand opening fora beautiful healing space here in the couch
and valley where I also did somereadings. So yeah, I did that,
and then the week it was justbusy, you know, where Dawson's
(03:38):
here, my work is here,I'm doing this, I'm doing that,
and then the house gets sort ofneglected. And then so the house was
messy, and I was behind onsome of my work because I have clients
and in obligations that I show upto, right like I have someone booked
at six tonight and then at sevenfifteen tonight, I had someone booked at
(03:59):
twelve today. I have to showup to those things. But then I
also have birth charts and typed upreadings, and I had to write up
a monthly horoscopes for a company inthe States, which is super cool.
So there's all these things behind thescenes that I'm also obligated to do,
but I have a little bit moreleeway on when I do them. So
(04:23):
I could do them at midnight ifI wanted, I could do them at
five in the morning if I wanted. And then of course I have like
content that I have to create andcourses that I'm planning, and so then
there's all that stuff that has tofit in somewhere. And then also I
have a six year old who comesbefore all of that. And then I
(04:44):
also am a being. I havemy own needs, and then I also
have a house that needs tending andso and then I'm in this school right
now on Fridays, and then I'mfinishing up these courses that I need to
finish up, which I know Italked about last time. So there's all
of these moving parts, and whenmy rhythm is engaged and I'm in that,
(05:08):
it all flows so beautifully. Youknow. Obviously it has its hiccups,
and I have grace for myself whenI need to scale back or to
amp it up, or when Ineed help. I have so many yeah,
so much love and support around methat I can utilize. So it's
(05:28):
not anyhow, because the weekend wasso full, and then Sunday we were
gone all day. We went upmushroom foraging and it ended up being more
of a observing again. But andthen all of a sudden, it's Monday,
and it's back to school. It'sback to scheduled stuff, it's back
(05:54):
to sports, it's back to clients, and so all the things that I
need to you when I don't haveclients booked has to somehow flow through the
obstacles of just my weekly life.And it's not obstacles in the sense that
they're bad. It's just they arestructured. So I have to take Dawson
(06:15):
to this, and I have tobe here, and so there's just more
rocks, big rocks in the stream, and so the parts that flow with
me, I just have more rocksto get around, and it just all
kind of piled up. And thenwe lost power, which of course,
you know, throws another stick inthe spoke, and it's all again going
(06:39):
to It's still flowing, which isreally cool. I used to think of
that as like, holy shit,the brakes got put on, and now
I'm like got whiplash and I'm nevergoing to catch up. And it used
to really send me into that flightresponse. And I wouldn't have the ability
to to like I wouldn't eat Iwouldn't you know, I've made myself.
(07:05):
I got home from school actually,and I had a client at noon,
and I was going to be acouple minutes late if I ate, and
so typically I wouldn't have eaten.Even though I have the ability to text
this client who's like so flexible andso great, just be like, hey,
I'm gonna be three minutes late atthe most. I typically wouldn't have
eaten. I would have just donethe client and then the next client and
(07:27):
the next thing, and then Iwould have gone the whole day without eating.
But I texted the client and Iwas like, hey, I'm going
to be maybe a minute or twolate, and I think I was one
minute late, and I ate areally great meal, So anyhow I can.
It still feels like I'm flowing,which is really great. Yeah,
(07:48):
just flowing. And this eclipse hasreally brought me to this really interesting space.
And I know I said that Dawsonthe Dawson episode would be next,
but I just feel like I wantedto do a little brain dump on my
(08:11):
own and then I'll record with herthis weekend and it'll be up. I
don't really know if I have wordsfor what I'm feeling, but I guess
I often feel that way and thenthe words flow. But hm, let's
see what comes out. So thiseclipse, any eclipse, and I know
(08:35):
I've talked about the eclipse a littlebit in a previous episode, but eclipses
are this time where the universe orthe cosmic forces, the cosmos. Whatever
you want to say, is sayingyou step back, I've got the wheel,
and that alone is challenging. Thatalone is really it's a hard pill
(09:01):
to swallow for a lot of people. And so the way we do that
is we stop big ritual work.We don't, you know, in terms
of people who do big rituals atmajor illuminations or they're working on manifesting in
astrology, we say, like,this is a time to put those things
(09:24):
on the back burner a little bit. So instead of working with the energy
of attraction and this is like I'mputting all this stuff out and in and
you being in control of the paceof your life, we're saying, Okay,
I'm going to drop the rhythm thatI have created for myself and I'm
willing to see what happens when theuniverse takes over for a minute, because
(09:48):
it probably knows more than I do, and it'll see my blind spots where
I'm not willing to see or ableto have access to see. So it's
this excellent opportunity to actually just detachfrom a lot of the things that we
work on. And so things likemanifesting or sorry, things like meditation and
(10:11):
the ways you would typically tend toyourself, Like if you normally meditate and
do Kundelini, well then continue thosethings. But if you're not, then
don't begin those practices in a waythat is meant to sort of manipulate energy,
if that makes sense. So wedon't want to take on any type
(10:35):
of force role. And so withthat intention, I just really detached consciously
from wanting anything. And I oftenI practice so much gratitude, and not
(11:00):
because I feel like I need toor because it's like a practice. It's
just because I genuinely feel that wayabout my life, which I'm again in
awe with. But when I'm inthat and I notice that I'm in that
gratitude, I'll be like I haveeverything I need, and I truly believe
that to my core. But ofcourse I also have desires that expand beyond
(11:28):
what is present in my world,and so on a front of desire or
manifestation or intention or things that Iwould like to call in, those things
are still very much palpable. Istill understand what they are. But during
this leading up to the eclipse,I've been really and in between and sort
(11:50):
of the black hole of eclipses.We're in between and in it, we're
in the season. I've been tryingto detach even from that want, like,
this is what I know I want. So I have everything now that
I need and I'm so fulfilled inevery aspect, and I want this.
That was always like the way Ikind of lived right there was this awareness
(12:13):
of what I wanted. Oh mycat wants it, let's let her in.
So that awareness was there what Iwanted. So I've taken that and
I've tried to detach from that asmuch as I can. Where the but
(12:33):
this is the things that I wantgot cut off, not because I don't
want them, but because I don'tknow if I want them anymore, because
I set that into motion at somepoint and it has stuck with me.
(12:54):
All of these things that I feellike I have in my intention bank of
the desires I don't feel have beenupdated in a very long time. They're
evolving. I would say, it'skind of like if you go, Okay,
I'm gonna start dating, and thisis what I want in my future
(13:15):
partner. This is my dream,my god man, this is it.
And then you go out and youstart going on dates and you're like,
well, you know this, Ihave more ideas on this, and it
evolves, the image or the intentionevolves. But do we ever like cut
it off completely. I don't knowthat I have. I feel like all
(13:37):
my desires are the things that I'vebeen calling in have just evolved, but
they've never been detached from, notin the manifesting detached way where it's like
you have to in order to callit in, you have to fully detach
from it and release it because it'sfull trust. And I actually have a
(13:58):
really really fantastic manifesting course that Ihave created, but it's not ready to
like energetically, it doesn't align withwhat's happening right now, but it will
be put out eventually and it's soso good. But I just feel like
(14:18):
I needed to purify me and mywants so that I could understand the truth
of what I want, because I'vebeen carrying this luggage with these edited things
(14:39):
that I want. It's been scratchedout and rewritten and scratched out and rewritten
and all these attachments because when Iset these things in to motion of what
I wanted. And I'm just gonnause the example of men and dating because
it's just the easiest way I canexplain it right now. When I set
(15:01):
this dream man, this god Maninto motion, and I went out in
the world and I experienced dating orexperienced meeting men, that became edited,
and I transformed that original desire becauseI accumulated more information and my capacity for
(15:22):
what I wanted changed, or orsome of the things I realized were more
important than others. But that originalseed was there and continues to be there,
and then throughout my experience of datingand meeting different people, those attachments
now have connected to that desire.So in a sense, this original god
(15:46):
Man dream Man desire is all thesebits and pieces of these people that I've
encountered or dated or connected to,and it's been edited a million times.
So it's just it's a messy intention, I feel like, and I didn't
have clarity on that until I purifiedthe wants. So in the last couple
(16:10):
of weeks, I was like,I need to snip all these intentions.
And it's not just with dating.It's with work and business and other things
that I have said yes to thatnow I'm needing to again. I was
editing them. I was like,yeah, this and that and trying to
solve it. But I'm like,I need to fully get all these wants
away from me so I can justsee my truth, like if I left
(16:34):
the luggage at home and went outinto the world, like what is my
truth? But instead I've been curingthis, all these attachments of these wants.
So I just I just did,like I just detached from it,
and I started using the language ofthese are my preferences instead of wants.
(16:59):
And I don't even know that Iuse the word want, but I had
a desire or a want or aneed sometimes as well. But I started
using the word preference so that Icould build a new connection to these desires.
(17:19):
So I started to detach from thewants. And in this so much
clarity. I don't even know ifI'm gonna use the word clarity yet,
because the felt sense is there,the experience. I know, I'm experiencing
it in my body. There's aknowing that is birthing, but I am
(17:45):
not sure that I'm actually fully clearon it, but I do know it
is revealing itself. So but inthat I'm gaining a lot of clarity.
I hope that makes sense. Butso I have these things away, and
I'm I'm feeling a new connection tomy truth. So I even with like
(18:11):
community, I'm like, you know, a year ago, I over a
year ago, I really put thisintention or this desire for community and for
connection outside of my work at home, because I don't I see people over
zoom and that's it unless I'm hostingsomething in which I started to do weekly.
(18:34):
And so again that was edited andit had all these attachments now and
so I'm like, okay, let'scut it. And then so like huge
physical connection and clarity in the physicalbody. Again, I don't know if
it's mental clarity yet, but physicalclarity of oh, this is actually what
(18:56):
I'm desiring now, this is actuallymy truth right now. But I had
to eliminate the old thing fully andwith dating and with you know, streams
of income and all these ideas andlike goals for my work and motherhood.
(19:26):
Again, like think about how manyattachments we gather in just one day around
these things, and I needed torevisit them all. And it wasn't really
intentional. I just felt like Ihad to purify the wants. And then
this started to have a really physicalconnection to my body and I truthfully haven't
(19:48):
prioritized movement hardly at all in thelast week and a half, which is
not great for me. I needthat. And so I'm feeling all these
things physically and emotions keep rolling inand they're it's called like an uncompleted event
(20:10):
when we have something surface but wedon't come full circle with it. And
so I know I'm like this hostfor all these uncompleted events right now.
So I do need to move andto physically process, and I'm going to
prioritize that. It's crazy, likeI feel like I have to schedule that
(20:33):
in which is so odd, butI still need to do it. So
this host for all these uncompleted events, I need to process it because all
these things are rising and again there'sthis physical sensation to it. And so
(20:56):
in this purity or this purifying,I'm understanding what my preferences are. And
I've gotten to show up in mylife without these attached wants, and it's
(21:17):
just given me these these moments ofclarity too, where like I was at
Dawson's she had the play at herschool, and it's this beautiful play where
you know, the light can tamethe dark, uh with will and courage
(21:40):
and strength and and that you canovercome disharmony that is created. And I
was sitting there and it's so emotional, so deeply felt watching this play,
and I'm emotional and I'm sitting thereand I'm like, my wants that was
(22:03):
still attached to me wouldn't allow forme to realize that I need a partner
who can sit here with me,hold space for my emotions, but also
deeply feel that play on the levelthat I did, and not necessarily having
to experience the same quality of emotionor the same expression of the emotion,
(22:26):
but as deep as I did tobe able to leave and debrief about it
and to have I don't know ifI went into that play prior to purifying
the wants, that that would beso there would be space for me to
make that connection. I think apart of me that if I didn't purify
(22:52):
that, the part of me wouldhave that it would have been tucked up
so close to me that it's justI want a partner here with me.
I think that would have been theconnection before it would have been so nestled
up tight there'd been no space betweenme and the desire is maybe what I've
been doing up and creating space betweenme and my truth and me and my
desire so that I can just seeit and feel it and it not be
(23:17):
so tight to me where it's likeI have to own it. But what
the fuck even is it? BecauseI think before I would have been at
that play and have been like,oh, it would be so good to
have a partner here with me.But the clarity, I guess, and
the difference is is that I gotto experience it so deeply, and my
(23:41):
preference is that I don't want apartner here. I had partners there,
I had family and friends, Ihad people around me. I want someone
to feel that as deeply as Idid, and to be able to go
home with me and feel that andbe able to like discuss it and feel
(24:03):
it. Because I feel like Ifeel things deeper than anyone else in the
world. I'm like, oh,like I want the depth of feeling with
a partner. That's my preference.It's not that I want a partner.
My preference is actually that I wanta deep feeling person in my life.
(24:25):
My preference isn't that I'm I havelike a job outside the whole. My
preference is that I want connection.So it's just all of these the space
that I'm creating for myself to findthese preferences. And in the viewpoint of
preferences, we get to go like, I'm okay not being in a relationship.
(24:48):
I'm okay being single, but Iprefer to be in one. But
I'm not creating this force for myselfor this lack for myself, for this
disgust for myself that I'm not init. Same with like anything anything in
the world that we want, youknow, I'm okay where I am.
(25:12):
I'm I'm accept this fully, butI prefer to have this or for this
to be my reality or for thisto be my experience, or for this
to be whatever's happening. Preferences justfeels like there's so much more air in
that and I can breathe a littlebit and it's not this like weight on
(25:33):
me. And I've had so manyrealizations I guess of that I need to
continue this space. You know,I was sharing a little bit about dating
and meeting people and and I'm justI'm just like recalibrating I think my truth
(26:00):
around that I was actually thinking becausethe last update that I gave you guys
on dating was that guy in Vancouverand like, I don't I still don't
think if we were in contact thatI would still have been able to get
(26:22):
over to him. And he hadoffered to come here, and it just
his schedule was really different than mine, like when he could come over would
be. It was just odd andit just didn't feel it didn't speak to
me in a way that wasn't justlike aw fun in the matrix, which
(26:45):
is great, and I think Ideserve to have fun in the matrix and
to be taken out and treated likea queen and all that fun stuff,
But it didn't speak to me.I can do that for myself, Like
it didn't speak to me a waywhere it felt like the exchange of me
having to logistically take time out ofmy life to go to Vancouver or I
(27:07):
don't know, the exchange didn't feelreally worth it kind of so I don't
know. I'm creating all this spacein me and yeah, it feels good
to again. It's given me thischance to see what my fears are.
(27:34):
Because if we want something deeply andwe don't have it, there is some
resistance, there's some lack of safety, there's some belief, there's some something
and it usually comes down to sometype of lack of safety, and then
there's the subcategory underneath that, sothere's some type of resistance if we want
(27:56):
something deeply and it's not there.And so I'm sitting with this opposite I'm
really good at, like alchemizing pain. I guess I don't know if that's
even but I have done this thingforever, which is I think maybe a
(28:22):
byproduct of my OCD actually, becauseI would take these like crazy really sick
fears and this like sick pain thatwould like attack me violently, and then
I would like have to sit withit, right like I'd have to.
I have to sit with it sothat I could figure out how to make
it go away. And then Iwould try to make it go away with
(28:42):
closing and opening drawers and you know, saying certain things. And but I
had to sit with this crazy,uncomfortable, sick, disgusting fears, and
so I got used to kind ofsitting with like these horrid things. And
(29:04):
it's so in the sense of thesethings that we want, it's like,
Okay, what is the thing ifI don't end up in my god relationship
with my God man with this mydream partnership. What is the thing that
I am fearing opposite to that?What's the other end of the scale.
So it's like touching that pain,It's like touching that that the shadow of
(29:27):
it, so that you can buildsome type of like reality around it,
because often the shadows aren't as spookyas we think. It's like, you
know, I talked about the hauntedhouse. I actually have this really cool
piece of writing on what it feelslike to have a haunted house inside of
(29:48):
you. But like, yeah,it's spooky, but when you turn the
lights on, it's just fake spiderwebsand fabric on the walls and special lighting
and someone in a mask like andso that's typically what those shadows are.
So if one end of the spectrumis to be you want to have this
amazing relationship, this dream partner,what is the opposite to that? And
(30:11):
sitting with that, Okay, I'mgoing to be alone and what does that
mean for me? It means thatno one wanted me. And I'm trying
to sit in that so that Ican also see that me being in a
relationship doesn't affirm that I'm wanted.So if my opposite to my desire.
(30:32):
The thing that I'm afraid of isthat, oh I wasn't wanted. Okay,
well that is not the opposite tothat is not oh then someone wanted
you. That fear is gone,because that's just something that's within me that
I if I'm fearing that no onewould want me, or that I'm not
(30:53):
worthy of that whatever it might be. The solution in this kind of fucked
up way is like, well,then someone would choose me in a relationship,
and then that would never exist.That fear or that feeling or that
belief would be dissolved. But that'snot the truth. Those those are not
(31:15):
opposite. It's either. The truthis is that you're in a relationship or
you're not in a relationship. That'sthe opposite. That's what the scale is.
You're in one or you're not inone. So I'm just sitting with
all these things, and like Isaid at the beginning, I don't I
don't know. I need a lotmore time in this space. I need
(31:37):
a lot more space here and theyneed to to feel into it more.
But I've had these you know,it's like, Okay, you want lots
of money, what's the opposite,what are you afraid of? There?
Oh, but I'm a failure.I'm not capable. Okay, Well,
those are not directly linked. It'seither you have money or you don't have
(32:02):
money. Has nothing to do withall those things. Those are attachments that
you've owned and accumulated for some reason, and you don't even need to know
the reason. But that is notthe opposite of having money, you know,
I don't know, do I evenknow? I don't know. But
(32:22):
I've just had these like and I'vebeen so fricking like not had a ton
of time to sit with myself.So I'm sure if I as I do
in these coming days, I willhave a greater sense of what this feels
(32:43):
and looks like and means for me. But yeah, it's just really interesting
to work with this this energy andsitting with the fear of no one wants
me and I'm going to be aloneforever? What is that mean? What
am I afraid of? Because beingin a relationship wouldn't solve my feeling of
(33:07):
not being wanted. It's not goingto take that away. Because I've been
in relationships I have I have peoplethat would love to go on dates,
that ask me on dates. Ihave people that are that want me quote
unquote doesn't take away that feeling.So it's not the solution, that's not
the opposite of it. Yeah,yeah, fun. I can't believe how
(33:42):
like men men I love men menare. Men are amazing, women are
amazing, humans are amazing. Butmen when they see me, I have
the most immediate emotional reaction. Iwas on a plane to Medicine Hat,
(34:07):
Alberta from Victoria and I flew toCalgary and then I was getting on a
plane from Calgary to Medicine Hat.Correct me if I'm wrong. I think
it's like a half hour flight.And we get on the plane. I
get on the plane and there isone other person on the plane and we
just so happened to be beside eachother seated. Nobody else gets on the
(34:28):
plane. It's just us two andwe are side by side. And he's
an older man and he was inthe window seat. I was in the
middle. So I was like,as soon as we have the chance to
say, like, can I move, I'm gonna move. And so the
flight attendant came by and she waslike, oh, once we like do
(34:49):
the cabin check whatever, you canmove if you want, and I was
like, okay, sweet, Andthis was the first time I had been
away from Dawson. I was goingto visit my my family in Alberta.
My cousin was graduating, and soI was like pretty tender leaving for a
couple nights. She was two anda half and I just stopped breastfeeding and
(35:14):
it was like, yeah, itwas tender. So I just started making
small talk with this guy. Oh, what are you doing? Yeah,
your flight from kat whatever. Butsomething happened with the flying situation where we
could not take off, so wewere landed for like stuck there, so
we couldn't move seats until like wegot to a certain part of the journey.
(35:37):
I guess, I don't know,So him and I end up just
smart talking. He's a death dulahe was going to medicine hat to assist
someone's dying, and we were onthe tarmac I guess for forty five minutes
before we took off. Do youthink I moved seats? No, I
(36:00):
did not. We talked the entiretime. I was in hysterics the entire
time. I have these really profoundmoments where I get like cracked open and
it's like this transformational, unbelievable experienceevery so often. And this is probably
(36:21):
like one of the top ones I'veever had in my life. And he
is one of the coolest people I'veever met. I don't even know what
he said, but he said everythingthat I needed to hear and didn't want
to hear and would hear eventually,but heard it out this time and needed
(36:44):
to hear when I was younger,Like he was medicine in motherfucking motion.
It was so insane. And Isat there and just bald and he didn't
try to like hold like he didn'treact to me feeling. He just like
saw me feeling, and like wasthere holding space. He was in proximity
(37:07):
safely to my emotions. He didn'ttry to solve them. He didn't like
nothing, he didn't nothing. Itwas just he was just there and then
would continue sharing. And it wasso profound. And I've had these moments
with men where like I've done tarotreading on this guy a couple of years
(37:31):
ago at an event and like heended up sitting there for like an hour
and a half and like profound experiences. And the other day we did breathwork
for like eight minutes before the grandopening. My friend Christina Margaret, who's
fantastic, facilitated this breathwork for us, and I sat up and there was
(37:51):
a man that was a part ofthe grand opening. We just made eye
contact. He was an older man, and immediately I just start bawling and
I'm like, he just saw me, Like we just made eye contact.
And I don't even know what itis, but it is so raw and
(38:12):
I don't know what it is,but it's when a man has like the
ability to see me and there benothing attached to it. And it's not
just like sexually attached. It's alsojust like expectations like am I you know,
(38:37):
Like let's say, for my dad, it's like he sees me,
but also I want to him toview me as really capable and successful and
like am I good? Like there'sthis this expectation that I feel like I
have to be at to some degree. And you know, to men that
(39:01):
have been in my life for awhile, I was so closed off,
Like even my brothers and men whohave been in my life for a long
time, I was so closed offthat it's still I have this expectation of
myself that I can't show up fullybecause it's just too much. So when
(39:22):
I have these experiences with men thatdon't have any attachment at all, Like
they're just strangers, they don't haveany sexual attachment. They're not gonna harm
me, they're not gonna hurt me, they don't want anything from me,
there's no expectations of myself or them. It just cracks me right the fuck
open, and it's so wild.So I a couple episodes ago, I
(39:45):
don't know what it was I wassharing about God, it could have been
the first episode actually, where Iwas sharing about dating and like how men
are, like, oh, you'reso dangerous and like of danger danger.
And I got a text that thatday I recorded, I think from a
(40:07):
friend that I hadn't talked to inlike a year, saying like, oh
those those eyes, something about thatsoul and and just how it's not that
I'm dangerous, it's it's the capacityof the men that I let into my
(40:27):
life and how they, you know, treat me or how they communicate to
me, because it's just based ontheir capacity. Him and I ended up
talking for like three hours the othernight, and I just am opening up
the conversation to be brought here justso emotional. I think, you know,
(41:06):
yeah, I'm just like looking overthis briefly. He's just profound and
so smart and his capacity is sobig. Yeah, I don't even but
(41:29):
it's so so we're talking and he'she's like poetic, and when we talk
to each other, it's like poetry. We're just like I say, almost
like a line of poetry, andthat he does like it's really this Like
really, I think he said atone point, like this is like a
full on cuddle puddle in text,Like it's just really deeply felt and experienced.
(41:49):
It's like no surface at all,and it's so deep in the felt
experience between the two of us thatit is almost like there's no words for
it. It's like this feeling thatgoes back and forth and so emotional for
me to be there. And Icould feel these waves of resistance come up.
(42:10):
And when he acknowledges my like valueor my specialness, or when he
says something that is you know thatanyone else I feel like would love,
(42:39):
anyone else, would m celebrate andtake and I just like this resistance rises
in me so fast, and insteadof I typically would have I felt the
(43:00):
resistance, I would have like endedthe conversation. I would have dipped out.
I would have like closed my phoneup. I would have I would
have done that. But I feltit and I didn't let that part determine
(43:22):
my next move. I felt it, and I felt emotional and there's like
huge sensations in my body. Yeah, I'm just letting all this eclip stuff
(43:44):
do its thing, and in that, I'm trying to support it by listening
to what's showing up around me,what is happening in my inner world old
and not having to control it,not having to go, oh, I
(44:09):
just want to partner here, Oh, he's too emotional or ough whatever,
Just like disgusted. Dealing with shamemakes you consume your disgust like rotten milk.
It just makes you like it makesyou it's force feeding you disgusted when
(44:30):
you work with your shame. AndI feel like I've really worked with shame
and now I'm at the disgust leveland it's like ough all these things.
So instead of resisting all those piecesto support the cosmic flow, I am
(44:54):
letting the disgust come in. Andif it's coming in, and I'm letting
it in, and if it staysthere, for a minute. I'm letting
it stay there for a minute andthen observing the experience that I'm having with
it. Because I don't actually knowhow I feel about it. I think
(45:19):
I do based off of my ownexperience up until this point, based off
of my what gotten a coal here? When something enters my realm, whatever
it is, an experience, aperson, a thought, a wish,
a desire, a preference, andmy body responds to it or we have
(45:47):
some type of response, it's like, oh, I know what that is.
It's this, And it's like,well, that was the nicole that
got me here. I don't knowhow this nicole feels about it. I
don't know how how like I amattaching that on me. It's like a
child when a kid, you know, if Dawson is feeling something and she's
(46:08):
crying, If I was to golike, oh, why are you so
sad? What are you sad for? Then I'm I'm pushing this emotion on
her and maybe she doesn't know whatshe feels. But because I come in
and I go you're sad or you'refeeling sad? Why are you sad?
(46:28):
And I'm trying to solve it,She's never going to learn what it is
like to be Dawson. And Idon't think on purpose we do this as
parents, but we do it,and we have been doing it, and
I don't know that I've fully learnedhow to like know what I'm feeling unless
(46:54):
I observe it fully. So somethingcan rise in Dawson or child and we
can just observe them for a whileand watch them in it and what contributed
contributed to it prior to the tothe the manifestation of the emotion, or
(47:17):
how is the how's the environment responding, and how are they responding to the
environment, Like what is happening?Can I watch that? Same for me?
When I have something rising, it'sso easy to attach these things onto
it. And so this whole thingcomes back to them trying to create more
(47:37):
space for myself, more inner space, more space so that I can build
a better sense of my truth thanwho I am and what I you know,
ultimately want or my preferences. AndI get to in this space have
my disgust in me and and gookay, like what is this actually?
(48:00):
What am I actually feeling when thisis here? Because I am so easy
to be like oh that, ohno, and like that's discussed, like
if I was to label it,or like, oh, I don't know
that makes me feel uncomfortable or Idon't like that, and it's like,
Okay, give it some space tobreathe. I don't know what I'm feeling
yet because I haven't been in thismoment with this feeling or experience yet.
(48:22):
This is new right now, andyes, every moment that came before this
moment is here with me, butI haven't done this one. I was
trying to create this space for meto get to know myself better, and
I'm having to cut away a lotof the momentum of getting to where I
(48:46):
thought I wanted to go in orderto create that space, and so much
has shifted, and so much isshifting and revealing itself in that intention.
It does feel does feel exciting.It also does feel like there's a lot
(49:06):
of tenderness underneath it that I'm justkind of coasting on. I do need
to sink into it a bit.Yeah, I mean, what if we
(49:32):
could just watch ourselves in a feelingor watch our kids in a feeling for
a bit. It was so funnythe other day I said to Dawson,
like she was I think was,you know, in an emotion that was
(50:05):
really we were unable to continue theflow or the rhythm of the day.
So I don't remember the exact thing, but it was like she was feeling
sadness or a type of sadness.From my attachment to it, what I
witnessed, I didn't, I didn'tlabel it. I didn't if she needs
help, if she's, if she'sshe's so because we've built that foundation of
(50:29):
her inner, watching her inner,knowing her life, sense of going this
feels this way, it feels heavy, it feels tight, it feels like
hot, it feels cold, itfeels pleasant, it feels unpleasant, it
feels high energy, it feels lowenergy. She's so brilliant at that process,
so then in that witnessing of herself, she's able to identify things.
(50:54):
Well. Anyhow, we were like, okay, we need to regulate now,
and I'll use that word Okay,let's focus on regulating now so that
we can continue doing like going toschool or whatever we were doing. And
she said to me, Mom,I'm allowed to feel sad. And I
was like, you're so very right, like absolutely, you're allowed to feel
(51:19):
sad, just like I'm allowed tofeel sad like, fuck, yeah,
you are, I'm not I wouldlike whoa yeah. I would never want
to take that away from you.And as wild as that sounds, I
do not want to take Dawson's sadnessaway from her. There is a part
(51:40):
of me that wishes I could keepthe first seven years of you know,
the first seven years should just begoodness. The children shouldn't be exposed to
anything that's not goodness in the firstseven years. It should just literally be
heaven on earth, butterflies and rainbow, fairytale goodness for cultivating their safety on
(52:05):
Earth. It should just be goodness. I wish that that is, you
know, if I could. Apart of me would love to keep that
for her. Nothing unpleasant, nothing'sunsafe, nothing sad, nothing scary forever.
But that is not the type ofexperience that we signed up for when
(52:29):
we came to this planet. SoI don't want to take her sadness from
her. She needs to feel thatbecause her capacity to feel sadness is also
her capacity to feel joy. Soif I come in to try and solve
her sadness and I label her sadness, maybe she wasn't feeling sadness. Maybe
(52:50):
she's feeling something else and I comein and I'm like, what's wrong,
Like how can we fix this?And it's really this solving. Her capacity
to feel, for one, declines. She doesn't build the capacity to feel
and not just feel the stuff that'sundesirable, to feel the good stuff too.
It's the same capacity. It's thesame rock. It could be a
(53:14):
tiny pebble or a huge boulder.It's the same, it's the same unit.
It's just a different expression of it. So if I try to remove
sadness, I'm also removing joy.But also it decreases her self herself,
she doesn't get to know who Dawsonis. If I am trying to take
(53:37):
sadness from her, that's her experience, that's her inner world, that's the
space she creates. It was justsuch a like a pinging moment of like
no, absolutely you can feel sadand also you know the balance of can
(54:04):
we regulate it enough where you cancontinue through your day and complete the event?
Can we complete the event enough whereit's still honored, it still has
to come to fulfill it. Wehave to complete it. It's like starting
a craft and then midway through youknow, being like we have to throw
(54:30):
that out, we got to go, and it's like, okay, that
craft was never done. But ifif the sadness or the emotion is the
craft, it's like, okay,we can we work on gluing this together
now so that we can complete this, so we can continue flowing throughout our
day or getting to school, gettingto the appointment, whatever it is.
So completing the event is important sothat you can continue going. Yeah,
(55:00):
but having this acceptance for me thatit is so important for her to understand
her capacity, especially as she hitsseven and eight and nine and nine is
huge nine year change where it's essentiallylike they they're leaving Heaven and they come
(55:24):
to Earth and then they can't goback to Heaven and they're like whoa.
It's really isolating. It feels likeeverything gets shaken up. There's another twelve
year change and then to fourteen.This is so pivotal for her to start
building this space for her, creatingmore range for her and the thinking and
(55:50):
feeling together and anyhow it's just soeclipsy right now. It's just it's just
everything swirling and feels mid air forme. And if you feel that way,
just let it. It's not goingto be in this suspension forever.
(56:14):
Things do not last forever. Thingschange every moment, constant change, constant
evolution, constant descending, constant ascending. It's constantly changing. So if it
feels like it's mid air, ifit feels like you're the hanging man right
now, you will be back onsolid ground very soon. But what can
(56:38):
you gain here? Because this experience, this moment is fleeting, and there
is medicine in it. So whatcan you gain and what can you recognize
here? What space can you createwithin yourself to really absorb what is here?
(57:01):
Happy eclipse, My head is sofull. If you've been having headaches,
blame the eclipse. Stay hydrated,Do not manifest, do not do
ritual, Tend to your being.I love you, I love you,
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