November 9, 2024 • 46 mins
Oh hi pals. In this episode I talk about how my OCD has impacted my life, how to manage the challenges of a human brain and have a little giggle at the sillyness of our minds.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to another episode of A Girl Willing.
It is your host, Nicole McKenna, and I am very
excited to be here connecting with you. Even though you're
somewhere in the future, just know that time does not exist.
We are connecting right now, right here, and that is
(00:22):
really special to me. So thank you for being here.
I hope that you're all well, and I hope that
whatever is present for you acts as a reminder that
it's here on purpose, and not in a sense of
punishing you if it feels challenging, but rather in a
(00:45):
way to remind you that you have choice right now,
and you'll have choice in the next moment and then
in the next moment, and sometimes the limitless options of
choice can feel overwhelming, but let that be a reminder
that you get to choose again.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
So if you're.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
In the analysis paralysis of going I don't know what's right,
I don't know what's next, I don't know what to choose,
I don't know if this is like what's going to happen,
know that you get to continuously have choice. I had
a really great conversation with a dear friend yesterday and
we're on Marco Polo If you don't know what the
(01:32):
Marco Polo app is, it's been such an incredible tool
for friendships and connection. So it's like a video walkie
talkie app, but it just is there when you want
to connect and you can send videos and there. It's
like facetiming, but at your own pace. And so it's
(01:53):
been a really lovely tool. So we were chatting and
she had her dog, I had my cats, and we
were discussing situation in my realm that requires me to
like go, Okay, what am I gonna do here? Like
am I gonna I just really acknowledging I had choice?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
And then she's like looks at her dog and she's like,
I guess you don't have that.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Like you choose once you choose as an animal to come,
that's your choice. But you her dog and my cats
and they don't continuously get choice like they choose once
they come here and then they're in that choice.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
We get choice.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
We get an ever evolving open door policy to choice,
like no matter what, we always have choice, and that
is mind blowing because choice limitless choice, but also that
we get to continue to update Our choice is based
on what is most suitable in that moment.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
And so.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
If you're choosing something and it's like, well, I don't know,
I don't know, there'll be choice on the other side
of that, whether that remains feeling aligned or not, you'll
have choice then too. So yeah, that feels good to
just acknowledge that that, like, we continuously have choice.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Cool we are here today. I want to talk about
OCD a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
I've talked about it, but not really talked about it.
It was International OCD Awareness Week, I believe a couple
weeks ago, and so I've had this I really wanted
to dive into it on a podcast episode and the
difficulty in managing the brain space and tools to support that.
(03:59):
Whether you have the same experience with obsessive compulsive disorder
or OCD tendencies, or you have a brain, you're going
to get something out of this episode is my goal.
So I'm going to refer to OCD because that's my experience,
(04:19):
but we're going to talk about things that actually support
your relationship with your mind and the scale of the
possibility of what can happen with the brain.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
That is quite normal.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
So we're going to normalize some things and we're going
to talk about somatic ways and imagery based ways that
we can build a new relationship with our brain in
the moments that we need it. So that is my
goal today. So if you have a brain, stay tuned
for this episode because the goods are here. I want
(04:57):
to start also by saying that why I'm not an
expert on OCD, I am just going to share my
experience and I want to bring forward those tools to
be supportive for all of us, whether you identify with
the extreme cases or not. Everybody has an expression of
(05:20):
discomfort in their brain at times, so these tools are
going to be supportive for those things. My experience or
background with OCD was as a child hearing the societal
limitations around what OCD was. So when you know people
had a preference or express themselves in a very like
(05:43):
type a way that was deemed OCD to me, like
that's how I received it in my life. And so
if you know someone being like the picture's not straight
my OCD, and the truth is that that could really
disrupt them.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
But it was used very much.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
As like an overarching term to have a preference, and
that their preference was preferred in a way that was
like oh that would bug me, and so it was.
It was just it was shown to me that way
for a long time. My very first memories of ritual
(06:30):
were when I was really young, like six or seven,
and I would it was starting to notice that if
I did something that I didn't know if it was
good or bad, Like I didn't have a I didn't
have an example if something was good or bad or not.
So it really started to show up for me, like
when I was discovering that, like I had a body,
(06:52):
and I had like feelings in my body, and like
some of those felt really good, but I didn't really know,
Like there was this line where I was starting to
become like a sovereign human. I was starting to really
discover I, which starts to really like develop and cultivate
after seven years old, and we're starting to especially at nine,
we have a the discovery of self being removed from
(07:17):
the world around us. So I know it started to
like really show up around you know, six, seven, eight,
nine is.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
When it really started to take off.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
And so when I didn't have an example, like if
if something was like good or okay, I would start
to build unconsciously ritual around them, and so I would
start to do stuff with patterns, and I would start
to say the same things over and over. And my
(07:48):
earliest memory is with like self discovery around pleasure and
my sexual organs as a child, and I remember being like,
this feels good, but I didn't know if it was
okay for me. I didn't I didn't know, and I
still don't actually really know why, and I don't have to.
(08:14):
I know, I tell people that a lot. I'm like,
you don't have to know the why. But that is
my earliest memories with it. And so when I would
move into like exploration, I would have to do this
like five minute ritual before so that it felt better.
It didn't it didn't feel good because I still didn't
know if it was okay, Like there was this this
(08:37):
intrinsic shame in my being when it came to my body,
especially in a way that created like arousal or excitement
or pleasure.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
And so.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
When I would engage in that exploration, this ritual that
started to develop, and it first developed with like a phrase.
I verbally would say something first, and then that made
me feel like okay, I can do this, It's okay,
and then you know, the next time that didn't feel
good anymore. I needed more, so I would say something
(09:13):
and then I would have to like do a physical pattern,
and then that didn't feel good enough anymore. So it
just it just got bigger and bigger and bigger. And
then eventually I'm like engaging in a five to ten
minute ritual that kept growing and growing, and the disruption
kept getting bigger and bigger, and so that type of
(09:36):
experience began.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
To rule my world.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
And I had no idea that this was anything wrong,
like I didn't I didn't tell anyone, I had no
idea what it was. I just remember it always felt
awful to have to try to correct this feeling of
(10:01):
like badness within me with ritual, and so it really
started to I played a lot of sports. I played hockey,
I played rugby, I danced, I did you know, all
the high school sports and middle school sports, and my
rituals would start to show up in that as well.
(10:24):
And again the same type of experience would happen where
it started with like one small thing, and then it
would grow and grow and grow, and the experience that
got wrapped into that the more that it would grow
was that if I did it wrong, my family would die.
(10:45):
So that was like the main disruption in my body
was that my family would die if I didn't do
this ritual perfectly. But my the you know, the joy
robber or the mind robber part of that would keep
(11:06):
upping the ante.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
So I would appease.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
It by doing the ritual, and then the mind robber
would come in and be like, that's not good enough.
You have to make it more. You didn't do it
well enough, and so it just would grow and grow,
and eventually it's like it's consuming me. And with jewelry,
(11:31):
it really showed up with like my body. If you know,
my mom bought me this like bracelet, I think in
like grade four or five, and it was this metal
bracelet that said daughter on it, and then she had
the mother one and I couldn't take it off because
if I took it off, my mom would die.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
And it just.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
It just it was in everything. It was in the
way that I would walk. If I walked wrong, then
my family would die, so I'd have to like redo it.
And a lot of the symptoms in my body would
show up with like us sensation equality in my body.
(12:17):
So if one if I hit my hand on something
and my other hand didn't get hit, I'd have to.
I'd have to make my other hand feel like my
other hand. Like it's so interesting because I've I've come
such a long way with my OCD, but like talking
about it is just like bugs in my veins, Like
(12:38):
it's so uncomfortable still, so I'd have to make the
sensations in my body the same. So if I touch something,
i'd have to I'd have to make it the exact
same feeling on the other side, which is is it
takes time to like it's just so so much time
(12:58):
spent and energy spent, you know, trying to balance that out.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
That was another way it showed up.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
And then just over time it just got worse and
worse and worse, and so as I got older and again,
I still had no idea that this was something wrong,
like that this wasn't a normal experience, and I never
I never told anyone ever.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
This was the experience of being.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Nicole as a child and into adulthood, was that I
didn't tell anyone anything, so I couldn't get a reference
point for anything if things were okay or if they
weren't okay, if they were normal or not normal. I
did not share anything. So this just expanded and expanded,
(13:54):
and it took up more time, and the rituals got
so complex and the disruption was so complex. Then I
had like certain numbers that I'd have to do things in.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Then the numbers would.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Change and they would get higher, and even if I
was doing the ritual perfect, the brain robber would come
and say that that that wasn't that wasn't perfect. You
did it wrong and you didn't know you did it wrong,
and then your family's going to die. So then I'd
have to do it again. And it showed up with
(14:31):
contamination I had. This is still the one that's very
present for me. It's like the one that I actually
have a very hard time still with that my food
is contaminated, that things have gone bad and I don't
(14:52):
know that something's going to poison me.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
You know.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
It's it's like it's part of me is embarrassed to
admit this because I feel like I'm there's so many
parts of me that are so evolved, but to like
normalize how fucking weird our brains are.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
You know.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
It really showed up with meat predominantly and things that
would stay in the fridge, like condiments like salad dressings
and stuff like I can't keep anything in my fridge
or I just.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Like won't eat it. But meat was a big one.
So I still cannot cook my own meat. My mom
cooks my meat for me.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
I didn't eat meat for like years and years and years,
so it was that was fine.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
But now that I do eat meat again.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
My mom will cook my chicken and my beef and whatever,
and I throw a lot of meat out.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Still and it's like the.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, like the embarrassment or the shame around that is
just it's silly because you know, I've come a long way,
but it's still this thing that's like just figure it out,
Like why can't you be normal? Everyone else cooks their
meat like everyone else can, so it's still a battle.
I want to share this like embarrassing but kind of
(16:21):
funny story to hopefully shed light that, like, yeah, humans
are funny. I opened up a can so we have
a lot of canned salmon. My dad fishes and my
family fishes, and we have a lot of canned goods.
And I had I opened up a canned salmon recently,
(16:45):
and I had I you know, I have to smell
things and I'm on high alert, and I'm like, it's
not always like this. It's really when I cook my food.
If anyone else does that, I've actually gotten over that
that no one's trying to poison me. It's when I
do it, it's like I have the opportunity to get disregulated.
(17:06):
Like if someone's just making me something, it's like thank you,
and then I eat it and maybe the feelings come
up during it. But it's like I don't have as
much opportunity. But if I'm preparing the food, buying the food,
cooking the food, there's just so much more opportunity to
become disregulated that by the time I'm actually meant to
eat the food, I'm too far gone. But otherwise, if
(17:28):
the food is just like given to me, the the
experience hasn't been like altered prior to meal time, if
that makes sense. So like opening the can salmon, I'm
like putting it on my cracker and I'm I've already
called my mom over to smell it, and she's like, yep,
(17:50):
it smells good, but like, if you'd prefer we can
open another one. Like she and now in adulthood she
knows and helps me so much and I'm like no,
it's okay, Like I know, it's just this part of me.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Like I'll eat it.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
And I had a bite and I all of a
sudden my mind robbers like there's bochulum toxin in it.
And I swallow the bite because I said, like the food.
My mom was at my house and I'm like, got
the food in my mouth and I'm like, what if
there's boculum talksin in it?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
And I die? And She's like okay, then spit it
out and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, Like
this is just this part of me. So I'm like
battling it.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
I chew the food, I swallow it, and for the
next forty eight hours, I'm like legit, thinking I'm gonna die,
and like it's so silly, like I can laugh. I
can laugh at it now. You know this is a
(18:53):
couple of weeks ago. But like the truth is, my
body is like so fucking disrupted, and so I'm I'm
like constantly, So I'm in ritual mode now because now
I'm like, okay, I'm gonna die. I've got watchulm toxin poisoning.
(19:15):
I've got to I've got to fix this in my body.
So I've got to check everything, I've got to work.
I'm in ritual mode and so I'm like doing all
the things and I'm I'm just I'm in that. I'm
in the spiral of of of OCD. And so you know,
I'm gonna talk about the uh, the the how far
(19:40):
I've come, but like, no matter how far we've come,
we still have the We're still gonna have these flare ups,
and not just in OCD, but in anything. When we
work hard and we feel like we've grown so much,
like they're still gonna have moments where those things are
(20:01):
still available to us. They don't clear, They're not like,
oh yeah, you beat that level, You're never going to
have to manage this or come back to this. The
truth is that in the future, levels like those things
might come through.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
And so.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
You know, this was just weeks ago, and I will
say that it had been a very long time since
something like that had happened, and the severity of it
was decreased significantly, and the tools that I had were
significantly more supportive.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
And so.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Every time I enter a level where those things do
show back up, it's really cool to update myself on
the severity of it and that you know, the progression
is working and the evolution is happening. So there's a
(20:59):
countless that this has shown up for me. You know,
it would be a whole podcast series on OCD. But
you know, crazy invasive thoughts that are so disturbing that
I would and it feels like truth, you know, I
(21:21):
think that's so important for people to acknowledge with invasive thoughts.
And now everybody has invasive thoughts and they are disturbing,
they are disruptive, they cause activation in the body. That
is a human experience. Where the line becomes you know
(21:42):
a bit more you know severe, I guess or into
a land of OCD tendencies, is that there becomes a ritual,
there becomes a something to fix or solve or to
make that go away with compulsion, and so it becomes
(22:03):
an obsession on these compulsions to make that go away.
And so that's the line that starts to move there.
So when I would have an invasive thought that was
horrible and disruptive and activating, I had this knowing that
I could make it go.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Away if I.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
If I did the compulsion, if I did the thing,
if I ritualized it if I if I made it
go away, I could make it go away.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
But the fucked thing with.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
That is that it just gets more and more and
more and more and more. Uh, and so it's literally debilitating.
I wouldn't sleep, I'd be up in the middle of
the night. If I'd have an invasive thought, then I
would have to I would get into an OCD spiral
and I would have to open and close my drawers,
and and that I didn't do it right, so I'd
(22:55):
have to do it again, and then it didn't feel
right again, and I'd have to do it again, and
you know, I'd be driving and I'd have an invasive thought,
and then I'd have to drive back to where I was,
and then I would keep driving, and then that didn't
feel good enough, I'd have to drive back, and it.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Just it just was so fux And so.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
It's this looping that happens, and I think we all
know what that feels like with invasive thoughts, is that
it loops and it causes disruption, and it loops and
it just is there.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And so the number one thing is that the body
is saying something.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Or receiving the disruption from the mind and it's going
this feels bad, this feels wrong, this feels bad, this
feels scary, this feels disrupting, disruptive, this feels whatever. And
that is the best information we can have as the
(23:59):
receiver of the disruption that something does not feel good.
And so if we have resource available to us in
our bodies, we can begin to rely on finding a
place that does feel good enough so that we can
(24:20):
tend to the disruption. Internally, we are going to have
disruption and we don't have internal resource.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Built.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
We're not shown how to do that, and so we
rely on these external things, whether it be alcohol or
drugs or technology, hoping, wishing, rituals, compulsions, obsessions, and other
external things to disconnect from the disruption. So the body's
(25:06):
going like this, oh my god, something feels bad, and
we have a laundry list of ways we can disconnect
from that feeling. And so, uh, you know, pick your poison.
There's lots, you know, pornography, God, my OCD showed up
(25:30):
very sexually, you know. And again it's like kind of
what comes first, the chicken or the egg, because I
did have sexual trauma, did my you know, It's like
I don't know it's a ship mix. So I don't
know why and how the recipe formed, but one of
the ways I would disconnect was with sexuality or hyper
(25:53):
sexualizing myself.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
And so.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
What was happening and what happens for us is there
is a disruption, and pick your poison. How do you
want to disconnect from it? And that's just what happens
over time, and so we get really good at having
this disconnection. But the truth is is that none of
those things actually complete the disruption. It just temporarily creates
(26:21):
a sensation of oh, it's gone, it's not there, and
then when the disruption comes back up, we go, oh, fuck,
I gotta do that thing again.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
It's gone.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
And this is how we cycle with these disconnections. And
obviously some of them can be more harm harmful than others,
you know, when we're talking about addictive tendencies with drugs
and alcohol and pornography and gambling, and some of them,
you know, come across very harmless, like wishing or hoping
(27:03):
or rituals and things like that where it's like, well,
that's not harmful. I'm not in you know, ingesting a
drug or partaking in dangerous activities. I'm just you know,
wishing that uh, you know, the opposite was true or
but those are still disconnections. I'm going to use this
(27:23):
in a different platform for a moment. You know, if
if we're feeling the heartbreak of of you know, breaking
up with a partner or not being chosen or someone
not being interested in that disruption of that pain comes forward, uh,
and it's too difficult to manage in that moment a
(27:47):
way that we disconnect from it is going maybe they'll
come back, maybe they'll come to their senses, maybe they
maybe we will.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Get back together.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
That is a disconnect and that is still in the
same category of disc connections with addictive behaviors like drugs
and alcohol. And I'm not saying they're equal in their expression,
but what I'm saying is that they are equal in
the disconnection. So it becomes a very sobering experience for
(28:21):
us when we realize all the ways that we disconnect
and how some of them seem quite harmless, but overall
they give us a temporary experience of being free from
the disruption, and so we continuously choose them over and
over again. I had a heartbreak a few years ago
(28:46):
that I was so unwell with. I could not get
over it. And I kept looping with it and looping
with it and looping with it, and you know, I
was very much in like a of course, I wasn't
completing it. So if there's something that's not being completed,
(29:06):
it's going to stay available. And when I realized that
I was actually in a disconnection expression of hope.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
I was hoping.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I was wishing that it was different or that they
would come back and that it would work out. And
so it seemed very harmless to me at the time,
but the moment I was like, oh, you're disconnecting from it.
You're in this state of hopefulness and wishing. I wasn't
(29:36):
actually completing or being with the pain or the discomfort
of the disruption. And when I actually allowed myself to
feel that and meet that with a resource state, your
girl got over it. And so we can experience this
(29:57):
on many different level and with different topics in our realm.
So when we have internal resource built, when we do
feel a disruption, whether it's an invasive thought, we notice
(30:18):
a pain point, there's something uncomfortable, instead of moving to
the disconnection, we actually get this opportunity to meet the disruption,
And because these disruptions can be so big and create
so much pain or the experience of suffering, or so
(30:43):
much activation with panic and anxiety, that we have to disconnect.
The system goes there's no fucking other way that I
can deal with this. Let me disconnect from it and
find this temporary relief. So in order to step away
from these disconnections, we have to have internal resource built.
(31:08):
This is literally what I do with people for a living.
This is what I do is I help people build
internal resource so that they can manage disruption, and they
can manage these things without disconnecting, and we get to
complete these things in the body. We actually get to
move forward in the most empowered and resilient place. And
(31:32):
this is like my life's mission is to help people
with this. I shared it on Instagram the other day
of a gal who was sending messages of her resiliency
increasing with driving. So she got a hold of me
and she gave me permission to share this anonymously. But
(31:52):
she came wanting to do some somatic sessions resiliency sessions
around driving randomly for no reason. She's like, I don't
know why, and I'm like, great, we don't have to,
so that's easy. She started to have panic attacks in
(32:13):
the car when she was driving, mostly when she was
driving on the highway mostly and sometimes when she was
a passenger. And so I was like, Okay, we actually
don't need to know any of this, but we're gonna
just build resource. We're going to help complete activation in
(32:33):
the body because there's something that's not complete, and then
we are going to stack more good enough resource with driving.
So I believe we did two or three sessions on
driving specifically, I want to say it was three. We
did resourcing, we moved through completing activation in the body,
(32:56):
and then we stacked more resource. And she messaged me
and said, oh my god, Nicole, I've just driven on
the highway for the first time since May and it's November.
She's like, I'm so fucking proud of myself, Like I
just I can't believe the progress that has taken place.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
And so.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
This is the goal, is that when we have internal
resource built. And I also want to note that these
sessions were done over zoom, so if you're listening from AFAR,
if you're like, ah, you know this isn't available for me, yes,
it is. So when we have internal resource available, we
can actually meet the discomfort and complete what is there,
(33:41):
so that we're not relying on the disconnections, we're not
relying on the compulsions, we're not relying on the technology,
we're not relying on the the temporary appeasement or sensation
of being okay, even though we're not managing the actual
disruption at all, we're not tending to it at all.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
So that is the number one thing. The number one
thing if you have a brain, if you have a
human body and you have a nervous system, which all
of you do, that is the number one thing you
can do as a human being on earth. The number
one thing you can do for you, for your children,
for society, for the world.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Is to have.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
Internal resource built and to continue building upon it. The
number one thing secondary to that is understanding how to
build a relationship with your mind in a way that's
(34:52):
not separate from you or enemy.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
You know.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
It's like when my brain is is like so much
work and I've like built this relationship with it where
I'm like why are you trying to hurt me?
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Like why?
Speaker 1 (35:08):
And over the years it's like felt like the scariest.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
Place to be.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
It's like owning a fucking top like ticking time bomb,
but I can't see the clock, and the clicks of
the clock decreasing are louder and louder, and it's in
my body, so help me.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
Like it's felt.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Like such a burden, and so I spent my life
disconnecting from it. And my disconnection method was compulsion and
obsessions and you know again all of them. Like we
don't have one disconnection, there's lots. So learning your disconnection
(35:59):
method is truly one of the most insightful things that
has become available to.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Me and for my clients as well. So when we.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Begin to view our minds as actually just a really
helpful responder, it's like the first responder. It's the firefighter.
It's the first on the scene to be like, okay,
tell me what's here, what's going on? What's the danger.
It's arriving first to the scene, so the body's going like, oh,
something's off, and the alarm bells go, and then the
(36:35):
firefighter appears and it's like, Okay, where are we going,
what's going on?
Speaker 2 (36:39):
How can I help? What is it? You should do this?
You go here, you go here.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
And it's setting the stage to make the threat go away.
So it's a helpful system, but when we are disconnecting
from it, and when we're not resourced and when that
firefighter begins to run the show, it's really hard to
know how to navigate it. But one of the things
that is supportive is just going like, oh, you're the
(37:07):
first responder, and so of course you're trying to figure
out the solution immediately, and you're trying to do it
in a way that makes most sense with the disconnections
that are available for us. And so a part of
the you know, growth here is the acceptance of like
(37:27):
this part is is trying to be helpful, and so
a part of that is going, oh, yeah, thank you
for letting that be known. Thank you for letting that
fear be known. I'm I'm that's good information for me.
It's good information for me to have that it is
(37:48):
so important that my relationship with my family is prioritized.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
It is.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
That's good information that you know, I want to continue
to live that I don't want to be poisoned. Like,
that's good information, thank you. And when we can be
with that disc like oh, that just brings up like
(38:15):
so much emotion for me because I spent so many
years like thinking that not living was the best solution
for me. And so like in those years of being
like I can't live, I'm gonna have to leave earth,
(38:36):
you know, I like deemed my OCD as being like
this other horrible expression of myself, but really it was
the system being like, no, we do want to live, Like, no,
we don't want to be poisoned, like, we do want
to live. I've never actually like come to that before
(39:03):
because in the height of my OCD spiraling, it was
the height of my you know, suicidal ideations or you know,
states of experiencing myself that way. So that was the
(39:26):
safety mechanism, Like that truly was the part of me
going like, no, that's actually not truly we do want
to live. That was my systems going, we do want
to live.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
That's really neat. And so.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
This firefighter responds, this first responder response to the pain
or the fear and is just trying to give you
information and it's just trying to find a solution in
the way that it knows how, and it's usually in
the form of a disconnection. And so just let it
be known that it's trying to help us.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
It's trying to make you safe.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
And so just to view it like, oh yeah, thank
you for letting that be known. That's that's really helpful.
And then to come back to your resource because there
is going to be a disruption with that, and so
if you have resource built and you can go thanks,
help me, Thanks for the info. Holy shit, that's pretty
that's pretty good. So those are two of the big
(40:31):
pieces that are so valuable. And internal resource is not
built in a day, like these things take time, and
the more resourced become, the more resilient we become. So
again I'm like, I just want every human to have
access to that, like so badly, so badly. If you're
(41:01):
a visual person, if you enjoy a visual, if that's
important for you, to imagine your thought being put into
a dumpster, you know, resource yourself as you're resourcing. Put
the thought into a dumpster, close the lid, and then
let you know, a forklift come pick the dumpster up
(41:22):
and drive it away. Resource yourself. You know, that's a
really helpful visual. I'm a I love the dumpster. I
put a lot of stuff in the dumpster. So those
types of things can be used in conjunction with your
resourcing practices as well.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
But truly, like know that it's not the truth.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
A first responder cannot possibly know the truth of the situation.
The system, your body knows the truth of the situation.
But if the first responder's coming like it's coming with
(42:12):
just the motive to make the immediate threat go away,
that's it.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
It's like, is.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
There a fire, I'll bring the water, And so it's
not going okay, like why did the fire start? What's
going on? What did that feel like when the fire started.
It's not trying to support you in a holistic way.
That firefighter first responder response is just trying to make
(42:39):
the immediate threat go away, and so it does that
with the disconnection. So it's coming being like, oh my god,
you're upset about this or afraid of this, or here's
the fear.
Speaker 2 (42:50):
Remove it with this.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
I know that this has worked in the past, and
so the firefighter needs an update too. But so just no,
like it's coming in not with the full information. And
so when people are like I want to be more
like in my body, I don't want to like run
from that place, You're still going to have to notice
that response it's a part of it. But know that
(43:14):
when we can operate from resource, you will be able
to get to the truth of the matter and you
will have more information about the activation or the disruption,
like why did that fire start? What does it feel
like when the fire starts? How do I feel that
fire in my body? And that is where the juices,
(43:35):
that's where the goodness is. That's how we move through stuff,
that's how we get we actually create completion.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Like that's the good stuff.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
But that firefighter is going to show up because it's
the first on the scene, and so like, can you
view that process differently? Maybe now.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Can you.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
View those invasive or disruptive experience is slightly different? Yeah,
I hope that that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
And it's.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
They're not separate teams, like it's not again, it always
felt like my brain was. It was like this thing
that I didn't want. It was just like, I don't
this doesn't belong to me.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
It's so bad, it's so.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
Wrong, it's so awful. But it's an expression of your
team or your systems that actually is working really well
for you. It's just limited. If we don't complete those
things in the body and the firefighter will keep showing
up with the disconnection consistently, and then it'll become a loop.
(44:47):
It'll become something that doesn't allow us to move forward.
So it has to be brought to the next level
within the body and completed in the body and tended
to in the body. And so just know that that
those things are available, and you know, to reach out
to people who can support you and you can talk
(45:09):
about it with That's half of the activation is keeping
it internal. And so I'm here for you, and I
hope that this was helpful in some way, and just
to know, you know, I'll have this message given to
me of like where because I support people through their disruptions.
(45:41):
You know that that people might be getting the experience
that I'm not disrupted, and like, let me tell you,
I'm a fucking human.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
We're all in this together.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
And I thought I had botulum talks and poisoning for
like two days a couple of weeks ago, so like
kind of funny, and there is no hierarchy in humanness.
I am literally right here with you. I mean that,
(46:15):
I mean that in every sense that I can, like
I'm right here with you to support you. And I'm
also right here with you in the fuckery of being
a human. So yeah, I'm a little late on OCD
Awareness Week, but it's been on my mind to record
this and I love you all, Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
Talk soon.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of A Girl Willing.
It is your host, Nicole McKenna, and I am very
excited to be here connecting with you. Even though you're
somewhere in the future, just know that time does not exist.
We are connecting right now, right here, and that is
(00:22):
really special to me. So thank you for being here.
I hope that you're all well, and I hope that
whatever is present for you acts as a reminder that
it's here on purpose, and not in a sense of
punishing you if it feels challenging, but rather in a
(00:45):
way to remind you that you have choice right now,
and you'll have choice in the next moment and then
in the next moment, and sometimes the limitless options of
choice can feel overwhelming, but let that be a reminder
that you get to choose again.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
So if you're.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
In the analysis paralysis of going I don't know what's right,
I don't know what's next, I don't know what to choose,
I don't know if this is like what's going to happen,
know that you get to continuously have choice. I had
a really great conversation with a dear friend yesterday and
we're on Marco Polo If you don't know what the
(01:32):
Marco Polo app is, it's been such an incredible tool
for friendships and connection. So it's like a video walkie
talkie app, but it just is there when you want
to connect and you can send videos and there. It's
like facetiming, but at your own pace. And so it's
(01:53):
been a really lovely tool. So we were chatting and
she had her dog, I had my cats, and we
were discussing situation in my realm that requires me to
like go, Okay, what am I gonna do here? Like
am I gonna I just really acknowledging I had choice?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
And then she's like looks at her dog and she's like,
I guess you don't have that.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Like you choose once you choose as an animal to come,
that's your choice. But you her dog and my cats
and they don't continuously get choice like they choose once
they come here and then they're in that choice.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
We get choice.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
We get an ever evolving open door policy to choice,
like no matter what, we always have choice, and that
is mind blowing because choice limitless choice, but also that
we get to continue to update Our choice is based
on what is most suitable in that moment.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
And so.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
If you're choosing something and it's like, well, I don't know,
I don't know, there'll be choice on the other side
of that, whether that remains feeling aligned or not, you'll
have choice then too. So yeah, that feels good to
just acknowledge that that, like, we continuously have choice.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Cool we are here today. I want to talk about
OCD a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
I've talked about it, but not really talked about it.
It was International OCD Awareness Week, I believe a couple
weeks ago, and so I've had this I really wanted
to dive into it on a podcast episode and the
difficulty in managing the brain space and tools to support that.
(03:59):
Whether you have the same experience with obsessive compulsive disorder
or OCD tendencies, or you have a brain, you're going
to get something out of this episode is my goal.
So I'm going to refer to OCD because that's my experience,
(04:19):
but we're going to talk about things that actually support
your relationship with your mind and the scale of the
possibility of what can happen with the brain.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
That is quite normal.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
So we're going to normalize some things and we're going
to talk about somatic ways and imagery based ways that
we can build a new relationship with our brain in
the moments that we need it. So that is my
goal today. So if you have a brain, stay tuned
for this episode because the goods are here. I want
(04:57):
to start also by saying that why I'm not an
expert on OCD, I am just going to share my
experience and I want to bring forward those tools to
be supportive for all of us, whether you identify with
the extreme cases or not. Everybody has an expression of
(05:20):
discomfort in their brain at times, so these tools are
going to be supportive for those things. My experience or
background with OCD was as a child hearing the societal
limitations around what OCD was. So when you know people
had a preference or express themselves in a very like
(05:43):
type a way that was deemed OCD to me, like
that's how I received it in my life. And so
if you know someone being like the picture's not straight
my OCD, and the truth is that that could really
disrupt them.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
But it was used very much.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
As like an overarching term to have a preference, and
that their preference was preferred in a way that was
like oh that would bug me, and so it was.
It was just it was shown to me that way
for a long time. My very first memories of ritual
(06:30):
were when I was really young, like six or seven,
and I would it was starting to notice that if
I did something that I didn't know if it was
good or bad, Like I didn't have a I didn't
have an example if something was good or bad or not.
So it really started to show up for me, like
when I was discovering that, like I had a body,
(06:52):
and I had like feelings in my body, and like
some of those felt really good, but I didn't really know,
Like there was this line where I was starting to
become like a sovereign human. I was starting to really
discover I, which starts to really like develop and cultivate
after seven years old, and we're starting to especially at nine,
we have a the discovery of self being removed from
(07:17):
the world around us. So I know it started to
like really show up around you know, six, seven, eight,
nine is.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
When it really started to take off.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
And so when I didn't have an example, like if
if something was like good or okay, I would start
to build unconsciously ritual around them, and so I would
start to do stuff with patterns, and I would start
to say the same things over and over. And my
(07:48):
earliest memory is with like self discovery around pleasure and
my sexual organs as a child, and I remember being like,
this feels good, but I didn't know if it was
okay for me. I didn't I didn't know, and I
still don't actually really know why, and I don't have to.
(08:14):
I know, I tell people that a lot. I'm like,
you don't have to know the why. But that is
my earliest memories with it. And so when I would
move into like exploration, I would have to do this
like five minute ritual before so that it felt better.
It didn't it didn't feel good because I still didn't
know if it was okay, Like there was this this
(08:37):
intrinsic shame in my being when it came to my body,
especially in a way that created like arousal or excitement
or pleasure.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
And so.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
When I would engage in that exploration, this ritual that
started to develop, and it first developed with like a phrase.
I verbally would say something first, and then that made
me feel like okay, I can do this, It's okay,
and then you know, the next time that didn't feel
good anymore. I needed more, so I would say something
(09:13):
and then I would have to like do a physical pattern,
and then that didn't feel good enough anymore. So it
just it just got bigger and bigger and bigger. And
then eventually I'm like engaging in a five to ten
minute ritual that kept growing and growing, and the disruption
kept getting bigger and bigger, and so that type of
(09:36):
experience began.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
To rule my world.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
And I had no idea that this was anything wrong,
like I didn't I didn't tell anyone, I had no
idea what it was. I just remember it always felt
awful to have to try to correct this feeling of
(10:01):
like badness within me with ritual, and so it really
started to I played a lot of sports. I played hockey,
I played rugby, I danced, I did you know, all
the high school sports and middle school sports, and my
rituals would start to show up in that as well.
(10:24):
And again the same type of experience would happen where
it started with like one small thing, and then it
would grow and grow and grow, and the experience that
got wrapped into that the more that it would grow
was that if I did it wrong, my family would die.
(10:45):
So that was like the main disruption in my body
was that my family would die if I didn't do
this ritual perfectly. But my the you know, the joy
robber or the mind robber part of that would keep
(11:06):
upping the ante.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
So I would appease.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
It by doing the ritual, and then the mind robber
would come in and be like, that's not good enough.
You have to make it more. You didn't do it
well enough, and so it just would grow and grow,
and eventually it's like it's consuming me. And with jewelry,
(11:31):
it really showed up with like my body. If you know,
my mom bought me this like bracelet, I think in
like grade four or five, and it was this metal
bracelet that said daughter on it, and then she had
the mother one and I couldn't take it off because
if I took it off, my mom would die.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
And it just.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
It just it was in everything. It was in the
way that I would walk. If I walked wrong, then
my family would die, so I'd have to like redo it.
And a lot of the symptoms in my body would
show up with like us sensation equality in my body.
(12:17):
So if one if I hit my hand on something
and my other hand didn't get hit, I'd have to.
I'd have to make my other hand feel like my
other hand. Like it's so interesting because I've I've come
such a long way with my OCD, but like talking
about it is just like bugs in my veins, Like
(12:38):
it's so uncomfortable still, so I'd have to make the
sensations in my body the same. So if I touch something,
i'd have to I'd have to make it the exact
same feeling on the other side, which is is it
takes time to like it's just so so much time
(12:58):
spent and energy spent, you know, trying to balance that out.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
That was another way it showed up.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
And then just over time it just got worse and
worse and worse, and so as I got older and again,
I still had no idea that this was something wrong,
like that this wasn't a normal experience, and I never
I never told anyone ever.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
This was the experience of being.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Nicole as a child and into adulthood, was that I
didn't tell anyone anything, so I couldn't get a reference
point for anything if things were okay or if they
weren't okay, if they were normal or not normal. I
did not share anything. So this just expanded and expanded,
(13:54):
and it took up more time, and the rituals got
so complex and the disruption was so complex. Then I
had like certain numbers that I'd have to do things in.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Then the numbers would.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Change and they would get higher, and even if I
was doing the ritual perfect, the brain robber would come
and say that that that wasn't that wasn't perfect. You
did it wrong and you didn't know you did it wrong,
and then your family's going to die. So then I'd
have to do it again. And it showed up with
(14:31):
contamination I had. This is still the one that's very
present for me. It's like the one that I actually
have a very hard time still with that my food
is contaminated, that things have gone bad and I don't
(14:52):
know that something's going to poison me.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
You know.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
It's it's like it's part of me is embarrassed to
admit this because I feel like I'm there's so many
parts of me that are so evolved, but to like
normalize how fucking weird our brains are.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
You know.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
It really showed up with meat predominantly and things that
would stay in the fridge, like condiments like salad dressings
and stuff like I can't keep anything in my fridge
or I just.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Like won't eat it. But meat was a big one.
So I still cannot cook my own meat. My mom
cooks my meat for me.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
I didn't eat meat for like years and years and years,
so it was that was fine.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
But now that I do eat meat again.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
My mom will cook my chicken and my beef and whatever,
and I throw a lot of meat out.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Still and it's like the.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Yeah, like the embarrassment or the shame around that is
just it's silly because you know, I've come a long way,
but it's still this thing that's like just figure it out,
Like why can't you be normal? Everyone else cooks their
meat like everyone else can, so it's still a battle.
I want to share this like embarrassing but kind of
(16:21):
funny story to hopefully shed light that, like, yeah, humans
are funny. I opened up a can so we have
a lot of canned salmon. My dad fishes and my
family fishes, and we have a lot of canned goods.
And I had I opened up a canned salmon recently,
(16:45):
and I had I you know, I have to smell
things and I'm on high alert, and I'm like, it's
not always like this. It's really when I cook my food.
If anyone else does that, I've actually gotten over that
that no one's trying to poison me. It's when I
do it, it's like I have the opportunity to get disregulated.
(17:06):
Like if someone's just making me something, it's like thank you,
and then I eat it and maybe the feelings come
up during it. But it's like I don't have as
much opportunity. But if I'm preparing the food, buying the food,
cooking the food, there's just so much more opportunity to
become disregulated that by the time I'm actually meant to
eat the food, I'm too far gone. But otherwise, if
(17:28):
the food is just like given to me, the the
experience hasn't been like altered prior to meal time, if
that makes sense. So like opening the can salmon, I'm
like putting it on my cracker and I'm I've already
called my mom over to smell it, and she's like, yep,
(17:50):
it smells good, but like, if you'd prefer we can
open another one. Like she and now in adulthood she
knows and helps me so much and I'm like no,
it's okay, Like I know, it's just this part of me.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Like I'll eat it.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
And I had a bite and I all of a
sudden my mind robbers like there's bochulum toxin in it.
And I swallow the bite because I said, like the food.
My mom was at my house and I'm like, got
the food in my mouth and I'm like, what if
there's boculum talksin in it?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
And I die? And She's like okay, then spit it
out and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, Like
this is just this part of me. So I'm like
battling it.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
I chew the food, I swallow it, and for the
next forty eight hours, I'm like legit, thinking I'm gonna die,
and like it's so silly, like I can laugh. I
can laugh at it now. You know this is a
(18:53):
couple of weeks ago. But like the truth is, my
body is like so fucking disrupted, and so I'm I'm
like constantly, So I'm in ritual mode now because now
I'm like, okay, I'm gonna die. I've got watchulm toxin poisoning.
(19:15):
I've got to I've got to fix this in my body.
So I've got to check everything, I've got to work.
I'm in ritual mode and so I'm like doing all
the things and I'm I'm just I'm in that. I'm
in the spiral of of of OCD. And so you know,
I'm gonna talk about the uh, the the how far
(19:40):
I've come, but like, no matter how far we've come,
we still have the We're still gonna have these flare ups,
and not just in OCD, but in anything. When we
work hard and we feel like we've grown so much,
like they're still gonna have moments where those things are
(20:01):
still available to us. They don't clear, They're not like,
oh yeah, you beat that level, You're never going to
have to manage this or come back to this. The
truth is that in the future, levels like those things
might come through.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
And so.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
You know, this was just weeks ago, and I will
say that it had been a very long time since
something like that had happened, and the severity of it
was decreased significantly, and the tools that I had were
significantly more supportive.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
And so.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Every time I enter a level where those things do
show back up, it's really cool to update myself on
the severity of it and that you know, the progression
is working and the evolution is happening. So there's a
(20:59):
countless that this has shown up for me. You know,
it would be a whole podcast series on OCD. But
you know, crazy invasive thoughts that are so disturbing that
I would and it feels like truth, you know, I
(21:21):
think that's so important for people to acknowledge with invasive thoughts.
And now everybody has invasive thoughts and they are disturbing,
they are disruptive, they cause activation in the body. That
is a human experience. Where the line becomes you know
(21:42):
a bit more you know severe, I guess or into
a land of OCD tendencies, is that there becomes a ritual,
there becomes a something to fix or solve or to
make that go away with compulsion, and so it becomes
(22:03):
an obsession on these compulsions to make that go away.
And so that's the line that starts to move there.
So when I would have an invasive thought that was
horrible and disruptive and activating, I had this knowing that
I could make it go.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Away if I.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
If I did the compulsion, if I did the thing,
if I ritualized it if I if I made it
go away, I could make it go away.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
But the fucked thing with.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
That is that it just gets more and more and
more and more and more. Uh, and so it's literally debilitating.
I wouldn't sleep, I'd be up in the middle of
the night. If I'd have an invasive thought, then I
would have to I would get into an OCD spiral
and I would have to open and close my drawers,
and and that I didn't do it right, so I'd
(22:55):
have to do it again, and then it didn't feel
right again, and I'd have to do it again, and
you know, I'd be driving and I'd have an invasive thought,
and then I'd have to drive back to where I was,
and then I would keep driving, and then that didn't
feel good enough, I'd have to drive back, and it.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Just it just was so fux And so.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
It's this looping that happens, and I think we all
know what that feels like with invasive thoughts, is that
it loops and it causes disruption, and it loops and
it just is there.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And so the number one thing is that the body
is saying something.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Or receiving the disruption from the mind and it's going
this feels bad, this feels wrong, this feels bad, this
feels scary, this feels disrupting, disruptive, this feels whatever. And
that is the best information we can have as the
(23:59):
receiver of the disruption that something does not feel good.
And so if we have resource available to us in
our bodies, we can begin to rely on finding a
place that does feel good enough so that we can
(24:20):
tend to the disruption. Internally, we are going to have
disruption and we don't have internal resource.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Built.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
We're not shown how to do that, and so we
rely on these external things, whether it be alcohol or
drugs or technology, hoping, wishing, rituals, compulsions, obsessions, and other
external things to disconnect from the disruption. So the body's
(25:06):
going like this, oh my god, something feels bad, and
we have a laundry list of ways we can disconnect
from that feeling. And so, uh, you know, pick your poison.
There's lots, you know, pornography, God, my OCD showed up
(25:30):
very sexually, you know. And again it's like kind of
what comes first, the chicken or the egg, because I
did have sexual trauma, did my you know, It's like
I don't know it's a ship mix. So I don't
know why and how the recipe formed, but one of
the ways I would disconnect was with sexuality or hyper
(25:53):
sexualizing myself.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
And so.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
What was happening and what happens for us is there
is a disruption, and pick your poison. How do you
want to disconnect from it? And that's just what happens
over time, and so we get really good at having
this disconnection. But the truth is is that none of
those things actually complete the disruption. It just temporarily creates
(26:21):
a sensation of oh, it's gone, it's not there, and
then when the disruption comes back up, we go, oh, fuck,
I gotta do that thing again.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
It's gone.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
And this is how we cycle with these disconnections. And
obviously some of them can be more harm harmful than others,
you know, when we're talking about addictive tendencies with drugs
and alcohol and pornography and gambling, and some of them,
you know, come across very harmless, like wishing or hoping
(27:03):
or rituals and things like that where it's like, well,
that's not harmful. I'm not in you know, ingesting a
drug or partaking in dangerous activities. I'm just you know,
wishing that uh, you know, the opposite was true or
but those are still disconnections. I'm going to use this
(27:23):
in a different platform for a moment. You know, if
if we're feeling the heartbreak of of you know, breaking
up with a partner or not being chosen or someone
not being interested in that disruption of that pain comes forward, uh,
and it's too difficult to manage in that moment a
(27:47):
way that we disconnect from it is going maybe they'll
come back, maybe they'll come to their senses, maybe they
maybe we will.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Get back together.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
That is a disconnect and that is still in the
same category of disc connections with addictive behaviors like drugs
and alcohol. And I'm not saying they're equal in their expression,
but what I'm saying is that they are equal in
the disconnection. So it becomes a very sobering experience for
(28:21):
us when we realize all the ways that we disconnect
and how some of them seem quite harmless, but overall
they give us a temporary experience of being free from
the disruption, and so we continuously choose them over and
over again. I had a heartbreak a few years ago
(28:46):
that I was so unwell with. I could not get
over it. And I kept looping with it and looping
with it and looping with it, and you know, I
was very much in like a of course, I wasn't
completing it. So if there's something that's not being completed,
(29:06):
it's going to stay available. And when I realized that
I was actually in a disconnection expression of hope.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
I was hoping.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I was wishing that it was different or that they
would come back and that it would work out. And
so it seemed very harmless to me at the time,
but the moment I was like, oh, you're disconnecting from it.
You're in this state of hopefulness and wishing. I wasn't
(29:36):
actually completing or being with the pain or the discomfort
of the disruption. And when I actually allowed myself to
feel that and meet that with a resource state, your
girl got over it. And so we can experience this
(29:57):
on many different level and with different topics in our realm.
So when we have internal resource built, when we do
feel a disruption, whether it's an invasive thought, we notice
(30:18):
a pain point, there's something uncomfortable, instead of moving to
the disconnection, we actually get this opportunity to meet the disruption,
And because these disruptions can be so big and create
so much pain or the experience of suffering, or so
(30:43):
much activation with panic and anxiety, that we have to disconnect.
The system goes there's no fucking other way that I
can deal with this. Let me disconnect from it and
find this temporary relief. So in order to step away
from these disconnections, we have to have internal resource built.
(31:08):
This is literally what I do with people for a living.
This is what I do is I help people build
internal resource so that they can manage disruption, and they
can manage these things without disconnecting, and we get to
complete these things in the body. We actually get to
move forward in the most empowered and resilient place. And
(31:32):
this is like my life's mission is to help people
with this. I shared it on Instagram the other day
of a gal who was sending messages of her resiliency
increasing with driving. So she got a hold of me
and she gave me permission to share this anonymously. But
(31:52):
she came wanting to do some somatic sessions resiliency sessions
around driving randomly for no reason. She's like, I don't
know why, and I'm like, great, we don't have to,
so that's easy. She started to have panic attacks in
(32:13):
the car when she was driving, mostly when she was
driving on the highway mostly and sometimes when she was
a passenger. And so I was like, Okay, we actually
don't need to know any of this, but we're gonna
just build resource. We're going to help complete activation in
(32:33):
the body because there's something that's not complete, and then
we are going to stack more good enough resource with driving.
So I believe we did two or three sessions on
driving specifically, I want to say it was three. We
did resourcing, we moved through completing activation in the body,
(32:56):
and then we stacked more resource. And she messaged me
and said, oh my god, Nicole, I've just driven on
the highway for the first time since May and it's November.
She's like, I'm so fucking proud of myself, Like I
just I can't believe the progress that has taken place.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
And so.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
This is the goal, is that when we have internal
resource built. And I also want to note that these
sessions were done over zoom, so if you're listening from AFAR,
if you're like, ah, you know this isn't available for me, yes,
it is. So when we have internal resource available, we
can actually meet the discomfort and complete what is there,
(33:41):
so that we're not relying on the disconnections, we're not
relying on the compulsions, we're not relying on the technology,
we're not relying on the the temporary appeasement or sensation
of being okay, even though we're not managing the actual
disruption at all, we're not tending to it at all.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
So that is the number one thing. The number one
thing if you have a brain, if you have a
human body and you have a nervous system, which all
of you do, that is the number one thing you
can do as a human being on earth. The number
one thing you can do for you, for your children,
for society, for the world.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Is to have.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
Internal resource built and to continue building upon it. The
number one thing secondary to that is understanding how to
build a relationship with your mind in a way that's
(34:52):
not separate from you or enemy.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
You know.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
It's like when my brain is is like so much
work and I've like built this relationship with it where
I'm like why are you trying to hurt me?
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Like why?
Speaker 1 (35:08):
And over the years it's like felt like the scariest.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
Place to be.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
It's like owning a fucking top like ticking time bomb,
but I can't see the clock, and the clicks of
the clock decreasing are louder and louder, and it's in
my body, so help me.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
Like it's felt.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Like such a burden, and so I spent my life
disconnecting from it. And my disconnection method was compulsion and
obsessions and you know again all of them. Like we
don't have one disconnection, there's lots. So learning your disconnection
(35:59):
method is truly one of the most insightful things that
has become available to.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Me and for my clients as well. So when we.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
Begin to view our minds as actually just a really
helpful responder, it's like the first responder. It's the firefighter.
It's the first on the scene to be like, okay,
tell me what's here, what's going on? What's the danger.
It's arriving first to the scene, so the body's going like, oh,
something's off, and the alarm bells go, and then the
(36:35):
firefighter appears and it's like, Okay, where are we going,
what's going on?
Speaker 2 (36:39):
How can I help? What is it? You should do this?
You go here, you go here.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
And it's setting the stage to make the threat go away.
So it's a helpful system, but when we are disconnecting
from it, and when we're not resourced and when that
firefighter begins to run the show, it's really hard to
know how to navigate it. But one of the things
that is supportive is just going like, oh, you're the
(37:07):
first responder, and so of course you're trying to figure
out the solution immediately, and you're trying to do it
in a way that makes most sense with the disconnections
that are available for us. And so a part of
the you know, growth here is the acceptance of like
(37:27):
this part is is trying to be helpful, and so
a part of that is going, oh, yeah, thank you
for letting that be known. Thank you for letting that
fear be known. I'm I'm that's good information for me.
It's good information for me to have that it is
(37:48):
so important that my relationship with my family is prioritized.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
It is.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
That's good information that you know, I want to continue
to live that I don't want to be poisoned. Like,
that's good information, thank you. And when we can be
with that disc like oh, that just brings up like
(38:15):
so much emotion for me because I spent so many
years like thinking that not living was the best solution
for me. And so like in those years of being
like I can't live, I'm gonna have to leave earth,
(38:36):
you know, I like deemed my OCD as being like
this other horrible expression of myself, but really it was
the system being like, no, we do want to live, Like, no,
we don't want to be poisoned, like, we do want
to live. I've never actually like come to that before
(39:03):
because in the height of my OCD spiraling, it was
the height of my you know, suicidal ideations or you know,
states of experiencing myself that way. So that was the
(39:26):
safety mechanism, Like that truly was the part of me
going like, no, that's actually not truly we do want
to live. That was my systems going, we do want
to live.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
That's really neat. And so.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
This firefighter responds, this first responder response to the pain
or the fear and is just trying to give you
information and it's just trying to find a solution in
the way that it knows how, and it's usually in
the form of a disconnection. And so just let it
be known that it's trying to help us.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
It's trying to make you safe.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
And so just to view it like, oh yeah, thank
you for letting that be known. That's that's really helpful.
And then to come back to your resource because there
is going to be a disruption with that, and so
if you have resource built and you can go thanks,
help me, Thanks for the info. Holy shit, that's pretty
that's pretty good. So those are two of the big
(40:31):
pieces that are so valuable. And internal resource is not
built in a day, like these things take time, and
the more resourced become, the more resilient we become. So
again I'm like, I just want every human to have
access to that, like so badly, so badly. If you're
(41:01):
a visual person, if you enjoy a visual, if that's
important for you, to imagine your thought being put into
a dumpster, you know, resource yourself as you're resourcing. Put
the thought into a dumpster, close the lid, and then
let you know, a forklift come pick the dumpster up
(41:22):
and drive it away. Resource yourself. You know, that's a
really helpful visual. I'm a I love the dumpster. I
put a lot of stuff in the dumpster. So those
types of things can be used in conjunction with your
resourcing practices as well.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
But truly, like know that it's not the truth.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
A first responder cannot possibly know the truth of the situation.
The system, your body knows the truth of the situation.
But if the first responder's coming like it's coming with
(42:12):
just the motive to make the immediate threat go away,
that's it.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
It's like, is.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
There a fire, I'll bring the water, And so it's
not going okay, like why did the fire start? What's
going on? What did that feel like when the fire started.
It's not trying to support you in a holistic way.
That firefighter first responder response is just trying to make
(42:39):
the immediate threat go away, and so it does that
with the disconnection. So it's coming being like, oh my god,
you're upset about this or afraid of this, or here's
the fear.
Speaker 2 (42:50):
Remove it with this.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
I know that this has worked in the past, and
so the firefighter needs an update too. But so just no,
like it's coming in not with the full information. And
so when people are like I want to be more
like in my body, I don't want to like run
from that place, You're still going to have to notice
that response it's a part of it. But know that
(43:14):
when we can operate from resource, you will be able
to get to the truth of the matter and you
will have more information about the activation or the disruption,
like why did that fire start? What does it feel
like when the fire starts? How do I feel that
fire in my body? And that is where the juices,
(43:35):
that's where the goodness is. That's how we move through stuff,
that's how we get we actually create completion.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Like that's the good stuff.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
But that firefighter is going to show up because it's
the first on the scene, and so like, can you
view that process differently? Maybe now.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Can you.
Speaker 1 (43:58):
View those invasive or disruptive experience is slightly different? Yeah,
I hope that that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
And it's.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
They're not separate teams, like it's not again, it always
felt like my brain was. It was like this thing
that I didn't want. It was just like, I don't
this doesn't belong to me.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
It's so bad, it's so.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
Wrong, it's so awful. But it's an expression of your
team or your systems that actually is working really well
for you. It's just limited. If we don't complete those
things in the body and the firefighter will keep showing
up with the disconnection consistently, and then it'll become a loop.
(44:47):
It'll become something that doesn't allow us to move forward.
So it has to be brought to the next level
within the body and completed in the body and tended
to in the body. And so just know that that
those things are available, and you know, to reach out
to people who can support you and you can talk
(45:09):
about it with That's half of the activation is keeping
it internal. And so I'm here for you, and I
hope that this was helpful in some way, and just
to know, you know, I'll have this message given to
me of like where because I support people through their disruptions.
(45:41):
You know that that people might be getting the experience
that I'm not disrupted, and like, let me tell you,
I'm a fucking human.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
We're all in this together.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
And I thought I had botulum talks and poisoning for
like two days a couple of weeks ago, so like
kind of funny, and there is no hierarchy in humanness.
I am literally right here with you. I mean that,
(46:15):
I mean that in every sense that I can, like
I'm right here with you to support you. And I'm
also right here with you in the fuckery of being
a human. So yeah, I'm a little late on OCD
Awareness Week, but it's been on my mind to record
this and I love you all, Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
Talk soon.
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