What Is Your Body Trying To Tell You?

Hiiiiii! So glad you are here. In this Episode I chat about childhood memories, why community is so important, how to listen to your body and why I am no longer getting botox.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome to Episode eleven of A GirlWilling. It is Wednesday, December thirteenth,
and everything is flowing. Time isgoing by, and today's been a

(00:21):
really interesting dates. It's the afternoonnow, and I've just had such cool
encounters with people, and I feellike I often do. I feel like
I often have these moments with peoplewhere there's emotional connection, there's a story

(00:44):
exchange, there's something, and Ihave always been the person when I was
young, and like, for example, I'd be like I flew to California
by myself to meet my brother andhis friends to go to Coachella together when
I was I don't know, earlylike twenty twenty one maybe, and we

(01:12):
had to take the shuttle from laxto Palm Springs to the place we were
staying. And on the shuttle,I sat by myself and the girl that
I just happened to get seated nextto just tells me her life story,
all her pain, all her joy, everything. But that was not like

(01:33):
a weird situation. That's just whoI always was like at every age,
and people who were significantly older thanme, they would come to me as
a child and not in a likeI'm giving you all my problems type of
way, just like deeply connecting.And so I have these encounters with people,
but I noticed them that I havethem at time where I'm really present

(02:00):
and I'm in the now and I'mnot rushing. I don't even have to
be like in the best version ofmyself. Just when I'm present, I
just get these moments. And soI had a few today. I ran
into an old hockey coach and heended up having like a really big emotional

(02:23):
release, not because of anything otherthan he just got to like share.
I got to share, and wejust had this moment and it just was
really neat. And then I Dawson'sbeen knitting. So at her school they
learn how to knit. They maketheir own knitting needles for one, which

(02:45):
is like the coolest cutest thing inthe world. And then once they make
their own knitting needles out of wood, they begin knitting. They finger knit
in kindergarten and then they actually knitwith knitting needles in grade one. And
so she's been really wanting to knitand asking for new wool. And so

(03:06):
I went to the the yarn storetoday and there is a like an open
knitting group. I guess that gathersthere a couple times a week, and
of course these women are a littlebit older, and one of them looked
at me and was like, Wow, you've got an awful lot of yarn
in your arms. And I waslike, oh, yeah, I have

(03:27):
a an almost seven year old daughterwho's loves knitting. She learned how to
knit at school and now she wantsto knit at home. And she just
she just shared about her granddaughter andand just these moments that are just like
so valuable. This the connection withother people with no expectations, with no

(03:58):
with nothing, but just like connection. If you've been to one of my
classes in the last couple of weeks, I've been just really highlighting the importance
of community and highlighting the importance ofyou know, thanking each other for showing

(04:18):
up for themselves and showing and sendinggratitude for everyone else in the class or
in this shared space. Because theanalogy I keep using is that a finger
alone can do some stuff, butit can't do a lot of heavy lifting.
It doesn't have the ability to holdand grasp and feel like the whole

(04:43):
hand does together. So each individualis this finger, but when we come
together in community, we end upbeing the whole hand, and the abilities
we have and the capacity we haveis just so so much bigger and stronger
and more powerful together. And sothese reminders keep coming up in in like

(05:11):
these moments at the grocery store,these mundane errands, the the these simple
connections, but they're so powerful.And I am. I was driving today.
Oh there's so much I need totalk about, I feel like,
but I was driving and just thinkingabout Dawson. She's she's a very very

(05:36):
sensitive person, very sensitive girl.She feels so deeply about everything. Her
friends, well will like drive pastsomeone, everything like our plants in our
house, the her pets. Everythingis just so deeply, deeply elt beyond

(06:03):
what I really even thought was capablefor such a young person. And I
was driving and I'm like, youknow, I'm so sensitive. And I
didn't always allow myself to like reallyaccept that. But then I was driving
and I'm like, but everyone issensitive. Everybody is emotional. We are

(06:27):
born with an emotional body, whichmeans we're emotional, just innately emotional.
And people who say like, oh, I'm not really emotional as a trait,
they say that, ah, I'mnot really emotional that's my trait,
this is who I am, thisis like my personality. I would just
say, like that's a coping mechanismbecause everybody is emotional, But then you

(06:54):
know someone displays emotions and then thefirst response is what's wrong, as if
being emotional is wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? Even if it's from
like the most love. And I'lleven catch myself do this with Dawson and
I. I don't do it often, and when I do, I try
to really like correct myself in thatmoment because that's also communicating to me.

(07:16):
So it's communicating to her what's wrong, there's something wrong if you're feeling,
And often there's nothing wrong quote unquote, it's just that she's feeling like she
she cries with joy, she crieswith like, she feels so much.
And often it is portrayed as poutingor that type of like visual of like

(07:43):
kind of going introspectively and like herhead kind of bows down and she's in
her feeling, but it is perceivedas like poudy or like it's it's such
an interesting thing to watch her inhow I respond to it, how other
people respond to it. But notonly am I directly communicating that to her

(08:03):
if I'm saying what's wrong, butI'm also communicating that to me, so
there's something wrong if I'm feeling,so instead using the language of like,
you know, what are you feeling, what are you feeling, what's happening
for you right now? If there'slike a big display Anyways, we're all

(08:28):
emotional. We all have the abilityto deeply connect, deeply build relationships,
even if just for a moment,those deep connections change the fibers of who

(08:48):
you are. And I think that'sjust really special that we have the ability
to gather, and especially after theselast few years of very isolated gathering.
You know, I still gathered,I still had community, but it just

(09:13):
it just felt different, It justlooked different. It just a lot of
it came from dysregulation, a lotof it came from fear, a lot
of it came from you know,a very sort of like tribal response,
which is which is great. Butjust communities coming back together very differently for

(09:37):
me right now, and it feelsreally beautiful and emotional, powerful and all
of the things. I'm just reallysitting in gratitude for people coming together so
special, so so very special andI hate I just need to get this

(09:58):
out because I'm so excited. TonightI'm seeing the Crash Test Dummies in Duncan
and I'm so excited. We myfamily was raised on Crash Test Dummies music.

(10:18):
And it's so wild because I stilllisten to maybe like two Crash Test
Dummy songs regularly, semi regularly.But it played such a huge part,

(10:39):
I feel like in our childhood andmaybe it just hit us at a time
that was really like impressionable, becausewhen you ask my brothers, I mean,
music was a huge part of ourchildhood and I would imagine that many
people feel that way. But mymom would invite us today with her after

(11:00):
dinner. I remember it happening alot, and we had this like ginormous
stereo system and we would dance,well, she would dance. We would
like resist, but we would bethere. And yeah, just so there's

(11:24):
a big part of our childhood andso there's these very specific songs that we
really connect to. That so itmust have been a phase, a chunk
of time, or a really impressionabletime because we all have the same connection
to the same songs. And unlessmy parents only listen to like eight songs
our whole childhood, which honestly couldbe true. It's just it really stands

(11:46):
out so Crashed as semis are likea big part of that. And I
look at the couch and theater oftenenough to know what's happening, because I
like to take Dawson to different lives. And so when I saw they were
coming, they're playing Christmas music,and I actually really am not a fan

(12:07):
of Christmas music, but it wasworth hearing them live to listen to the
Christmas music. And it also saidthey were going to play a couple of
their greatest hits. So I didsome running around this afternoon, and I
in preparation for tonight, just wantedto bring in the energy of crash Chest
Stummies, and I put on thealbum that we used to listen to a

(12:31):
lot growing up, And when Itell you, I bawled my eyes out
uncontrollably as I drove around listening toit, like it just activated or touched
the parts of me that are stillthere, like in those moments. I

(12:58):
have a poem about this kind ofthat I'm going to share because it's called
The Homecoming. It's my poem titledthe Homecoming and as you know, this
homecoming is coming in twenty twenty four, but it the moments of like driving
around and listening to it this afternoonjust touched the parts of me that are

(13:22):
still in that living room, youknow, kind of pretending I'm being forced
to dance. I don't want to, but like the joy in that and
the little smirks and just like theyeah, the freedom of that. And
I just wrote about I wrote thispoem not long ago and I shared it

(13:45):
with some of my family and itjust all is so sweet, so sweet.
So I'm just really excited to gotonight. And I have like three
songs I would just love to hearnon Christmas music, so I'm hoping that

(14:07):
I hear them, and I'm kindof glad. I got a lot of
those tears out because I think Iknow I'm still going to cry, but
I was like hysterical, really movingsome stuff around in my body today while
I was listening. So there's somethingabout his voice like it. I had

(14:31):
a moment actually at an event inVictoria. It would have been two years
ago November, and there was afew DJs. It was like a static
dance and then a sound bath andjeez, I forget his name. He's
so wonderful. He's from medicine hatand he after the DJs and the dancing,

(14:56):
and it was like really powerful dancingfor like hours. And once we
laid down for the sound bath,and I was using mushrooms to support this
journey, and we laid down forthe sound bath, and he made a
sound that immediately immediately provoked tears,like a huge release, like it it's

(15:26):
this certain frequency, certain sound,and I in that moment, I had
like a really intense release that andit was during a sound bath, and
I was next to two of myfriends and like they just silently put their

(15:46):
hand like on my leg on eachside, and I just I just bawled
and I shook and it was sopowerful. But it was this sound,
and I remember feeling like it soundedlike my grandpa, but but the feeling
hit my body first, and thenI was like, oh, that sounded
like Bob. We called my grandpaBob growing up. It was just easier

(16:08):
to say, I think. AndI had this release and then I was
like, wow, that sounded likehim, but it just hit my body
first. And I've had this experiencea couple times with certain sounds, certain
frequency, but it's like a verydeep tone, similar to like the Crash
Test Dummies singer, if you're familiar, there's like this certain tone that he

(16:34):
I don't know music at all,but it just it activates that same like
and it doesn't sound like my grandpanecessarily, but it's like that energy.
I'm not even fully sure yet,but it happened recently again with just a
song, an unrelated song. Itwas somebody who is like vocal toning and

(16:59):
just he hit a note or asound or frequency and had the same effect
on me. So it's the combinationof like that sound, the music,
the memories, my family, thegratitude, all all of it. So

(17:21):
yeah, I can't wait to updateyou on the concert. I'm so excited.
I'm literally so excited that I'm willingto go to a Christmas like music
concert without Dawson or without any children, just to hear them, which is

(17:41):
a lot for me. Not aChristmas music gal. Unless Dawson sings it,
then it's growing the back. It'sgrowing on me again. What I
wanted to actually talk about a bittoday is what being able to identify what

(18:03):
the body is saying to you.We're so quick to be like, I
don't know, I don't know.My neck is sworn, I don't know
why. You know, I'm havingthis flare up in my knee, but
I don't know why. I'm feelingthis in my chest. But I don't
know why. And so I justwant to bring some curiosities to the table

(18:27):
for you to hopefully take and goput them in your back pocket and utilize
them in a way that brings youback into the position of self of you
are responsible for yourself, for onebut and like the heaviness that comes with

(18:51):
that, like the responsibility, theweight of that, but also the like
you are responsible for yourself, likethe liberation, the freedom, the excite
that comes with that. So whenwe I don't know why this is happening,
and we push it, we sweepit away, we're taking ourselves out
of, you know, the centralline of who we are. It's we're

(19:15):
giving our power away potentially. AndI don't even like to use that phrase
here, but we are telling ourbodies. I see you, and I
actually hear you and your communication tome, but I don't trust you,

(19:36):
is what I feel like. Weoften communicate when physical sensations or symptoms or
ailments or illness surfaces, we goI don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what it's saying,I don't know what it's doing. I
don't know why. I feel likeit's like I see you and I hear
you, but I don't trust you. And so bring potentially an in I

(20:00):
this level of trust to your body, to the illness, to the ailment,
to the pain, to the sensation, and literally say to it,
I trust you, I trust whatyou're communicating to me. I trust that
you are here for a reason,for a purpose. I trust what you

(20:22):
have to say. I trust you, I trust my body, I trust
what I'm saying, I trust whatis surfacing. And bring this simplistic connection
to what's happening. So you know, aches are their own energy. Like

(20:45):
you know back ache or neck acheor hips or joints. Identify it by
the feeling of it. So ifyou're having back pain, what is does
that back pain feel like? Isit persistent? Is it does it cripple

(21:07):
you? So I have had neckpain on and off for quite some time.
It's been moving like I can feelit moving through different spots. I
know that there is release, it'sintegrating. It feels very slowly. And
when I was sick, I knowI shared with you that I ended up
putting my neck out fully. Iwasn't able to move it for days,
and actually just very recently it had, you know, sort of like full

(21:30):
mobility again. I can still feelthat there is something there that could catch
again, though, so that wouldbe a different energy that like very sharp
catch, like takes your breath awaywhen when you catch it, or that
spasm that is like a grip thatis a punch in the face, gripping

(21:52):
sensation, something that's dull and achy, it's persistent, and it's there,
and it's wanting, it's whining,it's asking, it's begging. So you
can see how those things show updifferently in their communication. Is it hot?
Is it cold? Is it sharp? Is it dull? What is

(22:15):
that saying? Is their redness?Is their sores? Is it all the
time? Is it sometimes? Whatemotion is connected to your pain or the
sensation or the illness or ailment?What emotion is it by how it feels.

(22:47):
Something that's clicky or you know,tight in its mobility. To me,
it feels very annoying and frustrated.I feel frustrated when I don't have
mobility. So this is my ankles. I joined adult ballet a little while
ago and it's been so super cooland amazing and don't have to talk about

(23:08):
it another time. But I havevery limited mobility in my ankles, and
so doing things like plaise I'm aballerina, I cannot do. My hips
have very limited mobility. My anklesare from injury, My hips are from
just being misaligned and having posture issues. My hips are like very tilted.

(23:30):
But in my ankles, that thatlack of mobility, that tightness that it
just it feels annoying. It feelslike resistance. So I'm gathering information from
these different things showing up in mybody. What is the thing in your
body? If you're if you haveone, what is it saying to you

(23:53):
trust it enough to listen to it? Is it angry? Is it?
Is it? Is it manifesting ina way so you can see it.
Is it hot and suppressed? Isit alone and scared? What is it?

(24:22):
What is it actually communicating to you? How old is it? And
not by the sense of how longhas it been there? But ask it?
How old is it is it achild? Is it yours? I
mean, okay, I'm going tointerrupt that when oh, this is a

(24:49):
whole topic too, when something presentsas ours. So someone will say like,
oh, you know, i'll havea client, let's say, and
they're like, oh my, ohgosh, I've been so stressed this week.
I'm so upset. You know,this friend has been overstepping their boundaries
and they're putting all this stuff onme. And I feel this way,
but I know it's theirs. SoI'm trying not to like give it power.

(25:12):
I'm trying not to let it takeup space. And I'm like,
well, but it is yours nowbecause you're responding to it, You're feeling
something, there's a sensation in yourbody, there's an experience happening for you.
It's yours now, and not ina way that's like it's yours you
have to own it forever. Takethis, you have to suck it up.
It's yours, that's not it atall, But it is your experience

(25:36):
now too. So even if wego I know I'm feeling this because of
someone else's actions, or because thisabusive relationship, or because of this job
that I hate or because of this, it's still yours. You're having an
experience in your body, in yourphysical, mental, emotional, energetic body

(25:59):
is yours. It can help usby knowing where it came from why it's
there, but it's not always important. I will continue to resay this and
resay this over and over and overagain that if we don't have information about

(26:22):
why it's there, it's not meantto be known when we try to go
why is it there? Why isit there? What? That system is
helpful for certain things, but it'snot always helpful because while we search and
search and search, we abandon andabandon, abandon ourselves. So if right

(26:44):
here, right now, I havesomething that is being asked to be tended
to, it's asking to be tendedto, and I go, okay,
I see you, but why areyou there? And I start traveling out
and about and I'm journeying. I'veleft it. I'm like fifteen miles down
the road kilometers and I'm trying tosearch for why it's there. Meanwhile,

(27:06):
I've abandoned it. I've abandoned theparts of me that are connected to it,
and I've abandoned myself every kilometer thatI've gotten farther away from it.
So when we take this like I'vegot to solve this, we get into
an investigator's mind, we get outof the body, and we abandon ourselves

(27:30):
and instead we have this opportunity togo, ah, I notice this thing.
I trust this, I trust me. What is it communicating? What
is the quality of it? Whatis the quality of the pain? What
is the quality of the sensation?What is the quality of the visual of

(27:53):
it if there's a visual of it. What is the quality of the emotion?
What is the quality of where itis in my body? And I
don't mean that from like a LouiseL. Hay book, which I love.
As you know, if you've workedwith me, especially in like the
first five years of my business,you would not catch me without my Heal

(28:15):
your Body? Is that what itwas called Heal your Body by Louise L.
Hay, the condensed version with likethe long list of the physiological or
energetic ailments on the physical body.What I mean by that is when you

(28:37):
connect to your hips, if that'swhere you're feeling sensation or pain, what
does that mean for you? WhenI think of hips, I think of
pregnancy shifting and opening, and soright away it's like I just said misalignment
in my posture. So we couldsay, like, oh, okay,

(28:59):
what is there connection of misaligned pregnancyor misalignments and pregnancy. What was coming
up that felt misaligned in pregnancy?Okay, so I'm able to and that
makes sense for me. I actuallyjust had a memory pop in. And
I was telling a client this theother day because she really likes to know

(29:23):
why everything's happening, Why am Ifeeling this, why does this happen?
How far do I have to unravelthis whole story? But then she gets
into the mind, she gets outof the body, and she abandons herself
and I do this. I thinka lot of people do this, if
not all of us sometimes And soI was like, hey, I'm going

(29:44):
to tell you something. I've beenworking with themes of motherhood, being a
single mom, my daughter, thedynamics of parenthood, pregnancy, childbirth for
seven years almost and something just surfaced. And it's not like I forgot the
memory, like if if I wasto think about that time, that memory

(30:07):
would come forward, But it cameup in such a different way. It
brought emotions that I never was ableto access around it, not because it
was too hard, just it wasnothingness before and it came up because it
was meant to come up. Ah. That's the stuff and the hips.
So I don't want you to feellike you have to solve it or find

(30:29):
out Ah okay, like Nicole camefrom her hips to ballet to misalignment to
pregnancy, like she solved it.No no, no, no no,
I didn't solve it. Don't feellike you have to have it tie somewhere.
The more you can identify the qualitiesof what you're experiencing, the more

(30:51):
trust will build, and the morethat thing will shift. When I say,
I mean like describe it, eventaking a piece of paper, drawing
it out. So you know,I have a fungus on my over my

(31:14):
liver that I've had for two years. Almost nothing is able to move it.
If it is like dormant, Iguess, but it doesn't go away.
It hasn't gone away fully. Andso if I was to draw this,
I would take a piece of paperand I would draw my abdomen and

(31:36):
I would I would draw what thelittle fungus looks like the pattern of it
on my body. So there issomething that you can identify through drawing.
You could draw out If it's likepain in your back, then draw out
your back, draw your spine andthen highlight or draw circle around where the

(31:57):
pain is. If there's something visualthat you're dealing with, the actually draw
it on paper and write down thequalities. It's hot, it's burning,
it feels disconnected, it feels numb, it feels sharp, it feels angry,
it feels sad. It's loud,it's quiet, it's constant, it
comes at night. What are thequalities of that thing? And then you'll

(32:21):
have this communication. Ah, yourbody's communicating your listening. You're trusting its
messaging. You're trusting your body todeliver you a message. You're seeing it
and hearing it. And instead ofgoing, I don't know what's going on,
how can I solve it, you'rejust listening and trusting. So maybe

(32:44):
it's not about healing it necessarily,but it's being able to trust yourself enough
to fucking listen. It is communicatingwhat is it saying, and sometimes just
getting it on paper or is alot easier to navigate the process because it

(33:05):
just separates us a little bit fromit. Or if you feel safe with
your partner or a friend or someone, have them do it for you,
have them draw it and tell themabout it and have them describe the qualities.
Or of course you could come havea session with me and we can

(33:29):
dive into it one on one.But there's so many ways to just trust
and listen. So what is itcommunicating? Yeah, even like butterflies in
your chest is a sensation. It'snot necessarily painful or an illness, but
it's a sensation. And if there'ssomething that feels like it's communicating to you,

(33:54):
I want you to trust it andlisten and just like journey into what
that could look like or feel likewould be really powerful and building that trust
within yourself where those parts of yougo, oh, they didn't abandon me,

(34:15):
they're still here and they're listening,they trust, they're validating, and
they're here. Like just so powerful. Yeah. I hope that you guys
can can take a little bit ofthat and offer it for yourself. The
other thing I wanted to talk aboutwas I've been wanting to talk about it

(34:40):
on social media and it just hasn'treally hit. So I felt like this
would be the space to do it. But I've been really open about my
personal journey of the way I investedin my physical being, and so I've

(35:07):
been transparent about like the healing workand the way that I take care of
my physical body with like the foodsthat I eat and the practices that I
do and the exercise that I doand in the nervous system and yeada YadA.
And I've also been super transparent aboutmy investment in getting a weave,

(35:30):
getting botox, getting filler, gettingPRP injections, getting facial treatments, getting
my nails done, dyeing my hair, whatever. And I've always really it's
so interesting in my new adult learningschool from an anthropsophical standpoint, there's like

(35:53):
these two dark forces. There's multiple, but two that we were talking about
Lucifer and Ahriman, which are kindof like the the opposite pulls of This
is a spiritual experience. Nothing matters, everything is love and light. We're

(36:15):
just an energy body. It's verymuch like an ungrounded force that pulls us
up, which would be Lucifer,and then Ariman is this force that pulls
us down that is like everything isimportant. You must work, work,
work, There is no play.Everything is serious and so there's these these
dark forces that sort of pull usin either way, and you can see

(36:36):
how imbalanced we become when we arenot balanced between them. And I have
always felt this and I never hadlanguage around it other than just like,
there's these two parts of me.I would say, there's these two versions
of me. And so when Ilearned this these forces, I was like,
holy shit. I have felt thisforever and I never new how to

(37:00):
to like fully navigate it, becausethere would be times where I would still
be balanced, but like my preferencewould lean more on like the I'm going
to be a hippie and never wearshoes and you know, it doesn't matter
how I look, and it doesn't. And then there'd be times but still
be balanced necessarily, or like Iwould still be balanced in the middle,

(37:22):
not necessarily like full on. Andthen there'd be some times when my preference
would lean to like, oh,it's really important that I have my weave,
and it's really important that I dressa certain way, and you know,
I've shared my clothes and my shoppingand stuff on my Instagram and how
important that has been and fashion hasbeen for me. And then so sometimes

(37:44):
it leans that way, and I'venever known what part of me to like
honor more because both are so thereand I'm in the middle, and I'm
like, wait, like it feelslike there's two parts me. And so
anyhow, I've I've never felt that, Yeah, I've never felt that it

(38:16):
was like right always to be inthat middle. It just it just didn't
feel balanced. And maybe and I'mjust sorting this out as I'm talking,
I haven't I haven't really fully talkedabout this yet with with really anyone,
that maybe my intentions for being inthe middle were off and that's why it

(38:40):
felt never quite right. You know, maybe my my rooting to the balance
of the middle, like my mylike the the part of me that was
like, ah, I'm perfectly inthe middle wasn't actually coming from like the
truth of me, and so itnever felt right. I think I think

(39:02):
that's that's sort of what rings forme right now. But so a couple
episodes ago, I talked about reallylike stripping away everything from myself, these
attachments I was talking about dating andand like the patterns of this is the

(39:27):
type that I go for, andit's like, well, I've changed that
as I've gone, but have Ilike reset it fully and I just was
stripping away like all my desires.And I've been really in this for like
a few months, really intentionally,and you know, I hate to be
at a balance with what's happening innature, but I really feel like there

(39:51):
is a clearing for me happening potentially, so I can really like hunker in
for the for the winter. Buta little while ago, as I started
stripping, I was like, Ijust don't know what is my truth because

(40:12):
of everything just existing and me beingin the middle of like I'm an ultra
spiritual person. I am like deeplysensitive, I'm deeply connected to me,
like to my core, and thenthere's this other part of me that loves

(40:34):
the matrix and loves dressing and lookinga certain way, and I just I
don't know. I didn't know,and I still fully don't know what part
of me is actually speaking that inmy truth or if it's just been you
know, kind of gathered along theway and that's the way it's been,
and that's sort of like hands washed, that's it. So I'm bringing this

(40:58):
new awareness into my life and Itook my weave out, which I know
isn't like a big deal for somany of you listening, it's probably like,
okay, sweet, no one evennoticed, which is likely the truth.
But it is a big deal forme because that was a part of
like this identity of and I likedit, like I liked the way it

(41:23):
looked. I like the way itfelt to have like long, beautiful hair,
and but I just stripped it becauseI'm like, I don't I don't
know if this is my truth reallyor is it my truth because you know,
the fucking Kardashians exist, and youknow, it's like a hierarchy in
society if you can afford to havelike this crazy expensive hair sewn into your

(41:47):
head that you have to adjust everyseven weeks, Like what actually is my
truth? So I don't know.I did not know. And maybe my
truth is really that I love havinglong black hair and that's important to me
and thick. But maybe my truthis I'm doing it because I'm just doing
it because all that noise exists,and so for me to fully understand,

(42:10):
I had to get rid of itjust so I could create some space between
it, Like what is the truthhere? And I don't fully know yet,
I don't know, and I'm notsaying I'm never gonna put my weave
back in, and even if itjust is like, oh, I like
the way it looks and that's it. I'm I'm in this like non attachment
to it. So it just feelsgood to have space in between it.

(42:34):
And you know, I've gotten botoxfor a number of years since I stopped
breastfeeding Dawson was three, so she'snear four years. I guess I've been
getting botox. I've been getting fillerfor years. And again it was just
like why the fuck am I doingthis? Like I've never ever once looked

(43:00):
at a woman and been like,you'd be prettier if you couldn't move your
eyebrows. Like every woman that Isee that I like deeply connect to her
beauty and I'm like, wow,you're beautiful. They have wrinkles around their
eyes. They they're expressive, they'rebright, they're they're clear, and like,

(43:22):
what is my truth? What isthe truth there? Like why did
I start? What? So Ijust again I had to stop, and
so I haven't had botox, LikeI'm overdue by like two times. I
guess, like I should have hadit twice. In the schedule that you

(43:44):
follow of like every four months,so I'm able to move my face,
which sounds so fucking wild that likeI took that away from myself. It's
just these things where, you know, and a part of me feels ashamed
to even admit that that, likeyou know, so many uh and it's

(44:07):
funny because I've when I shared thosethings, I lost a ton of followers,
which means fuck all really, Butbut you know, I was I
felt like I was never pure enoughto fit into this spiritual group, but
I was never matrixy enough to fitinto the matrixy group. I was always
in the middle. So like I'mI'm like a hippie in a matrix person's

(44:30):
body, and so I never connectedwith either group. And I know I've
shared that, but that's the truth. And so you know, to be
in this like role of being somewhatof a guide which is so so neat
and a spaceholder, and so manyof you reach out to be like,

(44:51):
you know, you learn stuff fromme, and then it's it's it's like
embarrassing almost to be like, oh, I injected poison into my forehead and
to to not have expression to createlines, you know, And that's just
the truth that that I feel thatway that it feels like a little bit

(45:12):
embarrassing to admit that fully and andand I've been open that I've done it,
so it's not that I'm ashamed thatI've done it. It's just like,
why the fuck have I been doingit? And again, I don't
know. I might get botox againin the future, I have no idea.
But I needed some space between itto like fully witness it and not

(45:38):
just like, oh, i'm myyou know, getting lines again, I
gotta go touch it up, likejust why why? So I'm just you
know, and if you've seen methe last little bit, like I've been

(46:00):
and a part of this is justcomfort and easy and I and I have
nowhere like you know that that peoplesee me so often that oh, I
guess I do. But anyways,I've been wearing the same like couple outfits
that are really minimal and simple andcomfortable, and and a part of that

(46:22):
is intentional. A part of thatis just like it's easy and I have
no clean clothes whatever. But apart of that is just like, again,
I need space between all of thesethings to know what my truth is
and just that I'm also allowed tobe in the middle of these these forces

(46:46):
that pull against each other. I'vejust always felt such a pressure to be
purer, more pure, more pure, to be spiritual, to be in

(47:09):
a healing role, to be aguide, to be knowledgeable, and then
the need to be more like matrixy in the sense of like the weave
the nails of this two, youknow, be viewed in the way that

(47:37):
I was used to being viewed,or to attract the the men I'm I
don't know this, this is alljust really swirling in my realm, but
it it feels really good as Iseparated all from me to get space to
view it differently, to view myselfdifferently. I had a moment earlier where

(47:57):
I remember being I think I wasthirteen, and we went to a family
reunion in Lemon Lake. Is itcalled Lemon Lake? Yeah, I think
so, in Alberta, and Iwas thirteen, and I remember thinking to
myself, the next family reunion isgoing to be in three years, so
I'll be sixteen. I wonder whatI'm going to look like when I'm sixteen,

(48:22):
and I like really focused on it, like this is such a core
memory. I remember being like,Oh, what am I going to look
like in three years? And Iwas just driving earlier and I was like,
you know, my hair is up. I've been wearing it really natural.
I haven't been been like straightening atit or straightening it or doing anything

(48:45):
with it. I've been like lettingit dry. And I have very curly
hair. And you know, Iwas crying in the car earlier, so
like the lines on my forehead werereally pronounced, and I could really like
I've got like this this hoodie onand my hair's up and there's curls and

(49:06):
my roots are coming in, soI've got these grays and my natural kind
of like mousey brown color. AndI was just like, oh my god,
this is what you look like,like, this is what you look
like. You're thirty now, likethis much time has passed, like this

(49:28):
is what you look like. Andit was just like so clearly emotional,
and you know, I still looklike me when the weaves in and the
makeup's on and that, and againlike in three months it all might be
back. I don't know. AndI'm trying not to put any pressure on

(49:52):
me and attached to something else that'snot my truth either. I don't want
to be like I'm never doing thosethings again. I'm gonna have this again.
I still have eyelash extensions, istill have my nails on. I'm
gonna go for a pedicure soon.That's what feels good. But I don't
know. I don't know, Andmaybe this resonates with no one. Maybe

(50:15):
no one gets this, and that'sokay, because this space is also for
me. But yeah, I justI don't know. It's so interesting to
you know, we also enter differentseasons of our life. So right now,

(50:35):
I'm hosting group work, I'm seeingenergy healing clients. I'm going to
school which is not at like auniversity. I'm going to anthroposophical school.
I'm at Little Waldorf School. I'mI'm in this season where I am mom
and I am you know, energeticallyrooted, and so I feel naturally that

(51:04):
I would lean more to that preferenceright now. And I know I've been
through periods of time where socializing anddating and connecting with the matrix and playing
in the matrix is more of apreference for me. So wearing you know,

(51:30):
clothes that I get from a ritziais more likely, and spending more
time on my hair and makeup ismore likely, and neither one of those
is better than the other. AndI have over my life, you know,
adult life, I guess, oryoung adult life to where I am

(51:52):
now, have felt that when I'min one, the other one is better
or should be better, or Ishould be focusing on that thing. And
so I'm just trying not to putany pressure on that, and I'm just
allowing the roots of my preferences andmy truth and the intention behind why I'm

(52:22):
choosing certain things to surface. Ithink that's important. I'm just trying to
allow the why behind why I'm choosingcertain things to come forward without judgment,

(52:46):
without ridiculing myself, without shaming myself. And a part of this that process
for me is sharing this just yeah, taking a break from participating in a

(53:07):
lot of that. And I thinkI mentioned this last episode as well,
is that it also looks like takinga break from dating too, because I
don't really I need space in betweenthat too, in order to see it
differently, in order to discover thewhy why I'm choosing certain things, why

(53:28):
feel certain ways, why I uhproject certain things like I just need fucking
space and I don't want to getinto like the whyy why why why solve
Solf solved type of connection to myselfeither. So that's why I'm taking a
break. I'm not trying to likeit invests. What's that guy's name with

(53:52):
the arms and the legs in thetrench coat? Invest no inspector gadget.
I'm not trying to inspector gadget myway through this process, because then I'd
be in my head. I'd beout of my body, and I'd be
in judgment and I'd be abandoning myself. So I'm just not doing that.

(54:13):
I'm allowing the wise to surface asthey need. I'm in my body,
I'm feeling my way through it.I'm creating space so that i can see
myself and feel myself differently. Soyeah, that's those are my updates.
Right now, I am gonna gowet my hair so that my hair is

(54:38):
nice and curly for crash test dummies. I am going to sit and enjoy.
Man. This human experiences for prettyinteresting if you ask me, this

(55:02):
is pretty wild. Whoever invented thisone was pretty creative. Okay, I
love you all, thanks for beinghere. Bye,