Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Around the world, around your country, around your parts. This
is headline. Addition, with the Ed Parnell, food prices are
set to increase even further as supermarkets claim rising costs
are unavoidable if the bosses are to continue living in
(00:25):
splendor and luxury. One CEO of a major chain, who
wished to remain anonymous, said, supplying the nation with affordable
food is difficult at the moment, what with they hangover
from the pandemic and the war in Ukraine, and Brexit
and the collapse of the British Empire and the Reformation
and the Battle of Colodon, all having an impact. If
we don't raise prices, I won't be able to live
in my forty one bedroom mansion, or on my yacht
(00:48):
or in my penthouse in the Bahamas. I mean, the
absolute basics are being sought here. Something's got to give,
and that's something is you. It's awards night tonight at
the Barbecan, with restauranteurs from all over the country vine
for the filthiest napkin left by a customer, and the
competition is stiffer than a napkin covered in old barbecue sauce.
With a few front runners boasting surprisingly dirty serviettes. Last
(01:12):
year's winner Dolty Hernandez from tring one with a napkin,
which was to all intents the consistency in weight of
a paving slab that was later revealed just to be
covered in congealed custard. The hula hoop is making a comeback.
In previous decades the circular chew was used as everything
from a toy, to a keep fit device to a
sex object. But now make us say the new iteration
(01:33):
will be useful in capturing escaped snakes. Simply pop the
hoop over the elongated limbless reptile, and an inescapable prison
is forged for the slithery critter. In tests, only ninety
four percent of snakes worked out how to escape the fortress,
bringing peace of mind and a snakeless existence to us.
All bags for life are to be renamed bags for
(01:54):
as far as midway between the door and the car
park in a new government scheme for accuracy. The notoriously
unreliable carriers have been the apex of conjecture for some time,
when some shoppers gaining the impression when the bag ends
its period of usefulness, so do they. Drains are to
be wallpapered to make the environment more pleasing for workers,
(02:15):
as sewerage filled waterways have long had a dark and
dank and not to say smelly reputation, but the addition
of bright pastel shades and flowery patterns is considered to
be enhancing to the overall ambiance of the wastewater system.
Plans are being discussed for decorative lighting, a smattering of
paintings and family portraits and carpets to really make a
home from home for subterranean toilers. Dreams have long been
(02:38):
the only sanctuary people have had from the harsh reality
of the real world. But thanks to Microsoft technology, you
can now awake from your dream and continue your somnambulistic adventures.
The idea came from Kit Malcolm, head of product development
at the software Giant, who long to relive his dream
of forty's movie ic On Geeler and Lula Bridgeta stealing
his packet of spangles. It literally works, It's like a dream,
(03:00):
said the nerdy boffin, although his fantasy of having boiled
sweet stolen by a laundry clad actress have now been
replaced by being chased by robot hippopotamus with the face
of Debussy chasing him through Hambo because he trod on
their fit bit. The device will be available in shops
at Christmas. Finally, it's a good night for astronomers, as
the Cartier Meteor Shower finally provides its spectacular and brand
(03:22):
specific display of lights, watches and jewelry across the skies.
The replacement of meteors with expensive trinkets has long been
a matter of conjecture, but one thing is assured something.
The shooting streaks of light, which happen once every five years,
have long been thought to be an omen that the
gods are displeased and demand a sacrifice, but in the
last ten years or so a more scientific explanation has emerged.
(03:46):
Except in Cornwall, the weather today will be personalized to
your own personal tastes and schedule. Any meteorological events which
are found to be unsatisfactory or displeasing to you are
to be reported to the authorities, who will call the
offending atmospheric event into head office for a good talking to.
Those doubting the system should know that already two clouds
(04:06):
which spoiled Missus Bartholomews of Westlake and Bristol's plan for
a picnic have been given written warnings about their behavior.
That's headline edition. I Met Parnell