Pat R. Step 10-11: Step Series at the 12 Step House - 12/23/2025

Pat Rogan Step 10-11, Step Series at the Tuesday night Step Group at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL, 12/23/2025.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
We recovered alcoholic. My name is Pat Rogan Pagan. Thanks
to the twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in this
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the program of AA,
I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind
and body. And for that, I can't even tell you
how grateful I am. A didn't just save my life,
but it gave me a new life. And absolutely enjoy

(00:22):
my new life. Hey, Sam, I'm just thinking about you.
I wasn't going to start here, but since Sammy just
reminded me. You know, you're never out of woods in
this thing, man, you know, you know, not everyday's features
in cream. You know. I wish I could tell you
it was just all sunshine and roses, man. But it's

(00:47):
been a rough week for me. Man. I'll tell you
it's been a long time since since I've been in
this kind of a conflict with anyone or anything. I mean,
I walked out on a job of thirty four years
on Friday, you know, and I'm back, by the way.

(01:10):
But I was willing to leave. I was willing to leave,
and there was some terms that we all had to
come to agreement on before I was coming back and
and I'm saying that to say this, that I thought
about a drink. You know, I'm in my thirty fifth
year now. I didn't obsess about the drink, but the

(01:32):
thought of a drink, I'm you know, the obsession has
been removed, you know, the lie has been removed, but
the thought hasn't. There's still a part of me that
knows that will fix that feeling. When I walked out
of that job and I was at a bottom emotionally,
I mean I was, I was freaking hurting, and you
guys know what that feels like. And I tell you, man,

(01:54):
I needed to change the way I felt. That's what
I thought. I need to change the way I feel
and that will work, and so will other substances similar
to that. That was my second thought I've shared with
you guys. I stopped my toe. I think viking it,
you know. And my third thought was a porn site.

(02:20):
Just being honest, right, and all all of those will
blow up my life, by the way, you know, just
one bad decision away from blowing up my life, right,
regardless of how much time I have behind me on,
one bad decision away from blowing up my life. And
then My next thought was, dude, get on your knees, man,

(02:43):
get on your knees. Call somebody. Sheldon and I talked
that day. He I think you called me, right, I
was returning your call, returning my call. Okay, I don't
even remember that call. But and the reason I'm bringing
Sammy up is what pulled me out of it was

(03:05):
Sammy texting me my sponsor. Sammy texting me saying, we
are meeting at seven tonight, aren't we? And I went, shit, yes,
I'll be there around seven fifteen. And Sammy and I
spent an hour, maybe a little more than that, doing
step work together, and they pulled me right out of it,

(03:29):
right out. He saved my ass. That's why we do
this shit, you know, that's why we do this' that's
why it's necessary to carry the message. And I'm not
at Step twelve next week. I'll talk more about that.
But you guys, God threw you guys saves my ass

(03:49):
over and over and over, agear, you know, because I
just just by my just getting on my knees and
asking God please show me a way out of this,
you know. And look, we've talked about this over and
over again and I'll probably talk about it more tonight.
I know that rejection is really redirection in disguise. I
know that through experience because I've been rejected over and

(04:12):
over and over again in my life, and it's always
redirected me to something better. Sometimes it takes a little
freaking longer than I wanted to, but eventually, looking in
the rear view mirror, I see why that took place
and the positive in why that took place, you know,
And maybe I'll talk about that later in the set

(04:32):
if I get to it. But anyways, I'm still feeling it.
You know, I'm still feeling it. But you know, to
listen to Thomas speak at the meeting we just did
in the back room here. You know, this is a
guy that I met thirteen years ago? Is that what
it was? Thirteen years ago at his very first AA meeting,

(04:55):
and I was doing a step series at the one
on one club on step one, which he doesn't remember
that it was. It was on step one, And to
hear his story tonight just verifies why I do what
I do. This is why I stand at the freaking door.
This is why in my home group I greet that
newcomer coming in the door. I mean, have me in

(05:18):
tears for an hour in there, because just to see
to be part of that transformation, to be part of
Sammy's transformation, and Kirk and you know other guys that
I sponsor in this room to be part of that.
And I don't need to miss anybody, but if I
didn't read it again, but to be part of their
lives is the highlight of my life. It's not about

(05:42):
the freaking money, and it's not about the relationships anymore.
And it's not about the material anymore. It's about life.
It's about we get to save freaking lives here. That's
that's a fact. This is life saving stuff. And if
you're new here, stick around, man, trust me on this,
Trust me on this. I mean, look around the room

(06:03):
and look at this. I mean, did you hear that
that laughter before this meeting started? Did you hear that
music before this meeting started? Not all our lives are
going great right now, But when we're here and we're
together and this fellowship comes together, there's a joy here
that's indescribable. It's just indescribable. But you got to trust

(06:24):
me that it will work for you like it worked
for me and like it worked for two and a
half million other people, and then if you put all
those other a's in there, we're probably talking twenty million people.
You know. It's just an amazing gift. So so anyways,
we're on step ten, which is a good thing. I

(06:45):
work that step. How did we get here though, you know,
I know some new people in the room. How did
we get here? Right? We made a decision to seek
God's help because we admitted we were powerless. And then
there was there's no human power on this planet that
was going to keep me stopped. There was no child,
there was no relationship, there was no parent, and there

(07:08):
was no judge that was going to keep me stopped.
And I admitted that that's a requirement. To admit that
is a requirement for recovery, and to admit that there's
no human power here that's going to keep me stopped.
I was convinced of that when I came here. It's
the only reason I came here. It's the only reason
I stayed. If I could have done it for my son,
I would have. If I could have done it for

(07:30):
my mother, I would have. If I could have done
it for the judge, I would have. I was looking
at giving up my freedom for a drink, and I
gave it up. I was looking at losing my son
for a drink, and I traded my son for a drink.
Those two steps are requirements for recovery. And then, because

(07:52):
I was convinced of those two steps, I made a
decision to seek God's help. Whatever I thought that was.
And let me tell you something, it was the God
of my misun standing for almost fifteen years. I didn't
define it for fifteen years, and it isn't necessary to
define it. Just know that I'm not it. And there's
no human power. That's it. The spirit of the universe,

(08:15):
this creative intelligence, this energy field. I like to call
it energy. I always use the word energy because energy
I can wrap my head around. No beginning, no end,
can't create, it can't destroy it. Everything in this universe
is pure energy. It kind of connects everything, doesn't it.
It kind of connects everyone and everything. So I can

(08:37):
wrap my head around that. So there was this energy
that I was going to appeal to for a solution.
In the first three steps, I made a decision to
seek God. And four and five I got to know
the truth about me. I got to know the truth
about me. I got to become very aware of my

(09:00):
defects of character. I got to become very aware of
my brokenness in four and five and in sick and
six and seven, being knowing that I'm powerless over my defense,
knowing that I'm powerless over these instinctual drives that drive
my defects. I admitted that I was powerless over my

(09:25):
defects of character, and I was willing to let them
go because I knew if I didn't let them go,
I was going to drink again. And I knew I
couldn't let them go like I couldn't let the drink go.
And I knew only God was going to make that happen.
Only God was going to put my social instinct in
line with spiritual principles. Only God was going to put
my material instincts within spiritual principles. Only God was going

(09:47):
to take my sexual behavior and bring it into a
place where it would be acceptable and in line with
spiritual principles. Only God could do that. Because I am
addicted to pleasure. More, more, more attention, more money, a
bigger house, a better car, more sex, more sex, more sex.

(10:10):
I'm addicted to it, and I'm powerless over without God's help.
At then eight and nine, I went out and tried
to repair the damage that I did with those defects
of character. And when we get halfway through that process,
I mean I had a transformation at step five. And

(10:30):
then that transformation continued as I sought more of this energy,
more of this positive energy. And I look, be real
with yourself, and don't tell me that when you walk
into this room you don't feel that energy. You know,
no matter what's going on out there, right, no matter
what's going on in your life, losing your job, right,

(10:53):
no matter what's going on, the girl left, the guy left,
wrecked my car on the way here, as soon as
you walk in this room, there's a positive energy. And
there's this for at least and out for at least
an hour. That's God. That's my understanding of God. The energy,

(11:13):
the positive energy that you give me, the part of
the energy that I get from the universe, and the
positive energy that I can give you. That to me
is the whole circle of life for me. You know, Sam,
he gave it to me Friday night. You know, Seldon
gave it to me Friday when I walked out of
that job. You know, I got it today when I

(11:36):
heard Thomas's story again, you know, just to just the
positive stuff that happens in these rooms. And then we
get to those you know, there's promises all through the book.
I got them. I got those fifth Step promises right
after my fifth step, and I wanted more of that.
And that's why I continued. I wanted more than I
kept getting more of it as I worked my way

(11:56):
through the steps. And then last week we talked about
the promises coming true as we go out there and
where you start to repair the damage and we feel
the positive impact of repairing that damage. We want more
of that because we want more good. We want more God,
We want more of anything that feels good. Right, this
feels good. I want more of this God in my

(12:18):
life feels good. I want more of that. So I actually,
and this is weird, right, I know, if you're new here,
this is hard to believe that I actually couldn't wait
to go out and make more amends. I couldn't go
out and wait. I couldn't wait to pay off my debts.
I couldn't wait to make things right with the people
that I had harm because I knew there was a

(12:40):
positive feeling that was going to come from that. I
knew I would get more God from that. And at
the end of nine, recovery is in place. It's in place.
I've had the spiritual awakening, I've had the personality change.
And if you haven't, stick with it. Because ten, eleven,
and twelve is living it all. Eleven is living in.

(13:01):
It's living what we learned in one through nine. It's
doing it on a daily basis. There's he doesn't repeat
himself very often. He repeats himself with power. He repeats
himself with control. Here he reads himself with do a
blank with continue. In step ten, right, continue, continue, continue,

(13:26):
continue four times he uses the word continue. He wants
us to continue doing what we did in the first
nine steps. That's what step ten really comes down to.
He says, we've entered the world of the spirit. He talked,
what do you talk about it earlier about being rocketed
into the fourth dimension. That's what he's talking about. The

(13:46):
fourth dimension is the world of the spirit. The fourth
dimension is where we have we have met God, we
have we have contacted God. I have got in my life.
That's the world of Spirit. I'm no more, I'm no
longer self ring life. I'm God relyant and like and
I'll say it over and over again. I feel God
when I walk into this room. I feel God when

(14:07):
I walk into any room of recovery. I don't care
what a it is. I feel that presence. When I
walk into church, my church, any church. I feel that
presence when Sammy calls me, when Kirk calls me and
send me his text in the morning, when Steven calls me,
I did leave you out, didn't I sorry? Steep one

(14:32):
of my finest students, and I left him out. I'm sorry.
When Steve calls, I feel it and I call you guys.
When I text you guys, I get a bunch of
get I must get fifteen texts in the morning. I
feel that presence every time I get one of those texts.
You pull me out of whatever I'm in. You know,

(14:54):
Thank you, Thank you. I need that. That's continue, continue, continue, continue.
I've entered the world of spirit. I need more God
in my life. What's our next function? To grow and
understanding and effectiveness? Understanding of God's will and being effective
at carrying the message of recovery, the message of God

(15:19):
in our recovery and I'm not trying to scare any
new comer out. I'm just saying that our solution here
is God, the God of your understanding, And you don't
even have to believe in that yet. I'm just telling
you that's the solution here. And maybe you're desperate enough
to go from no to maybe. That's all you need
to do. That's it. That's a step off of where

(15:42):
you're at, and I'm going to tell you'll start getting
results as solution you take that one step off of
where you're at. Maybe maybe this will work for me. Well,
I could go on to the bitter end, I could
die in alcohol addic death. Or I can say, Okay,
maybe this will work for me. Like I said, we

(16:03):
have evidence that it works over and over and over again.
This is what Bill calls the new frontier. Right. It's
not about a drink or a drug anymore. It's not
about that. It's about this. It's about the insides. It's
about what I felt Friday, That's what it's about. How

(16:24):
do I deal with that? How do I deal with rejection?
How do I do with losing my job? How do
I do when I crash my car? Which I worship?
You know, what do I do when the relationship falls apart,
when the marriage falls apart? There's the new frontier, right,

(16:45):
how do I live without a drink or a drug
in my life? How do I overcome that issue? That's what.
That's what. That's where we're at the way of life,
the way of life. If you look at stepped in
and by by the Way, I really believe this. I
believe that six and seven is so short in our

(17:06):
book by way, six lines and seven lines, thirteen lines
in those two steps the most important steps, in my opinion,
in the book, right, not that any of them are
not important, But let me tell you something. You don't change,
nothing's changing. If you don't change your behavior, nobody's ever
gonna give you any credibility. And you're gonna continue writing

(17:26):
four steps. That's what you'll continue to do the rest
of your life, four and five over and over again.
I believe those steps are that short because step ten
is where we work on six and seven on a
moment to moment to moment basis, right, as soon as
I'm out of sorts, right, and I'm going to come

(17:47):
back to ten later, But as soon as I'm out,
as soon as i'm feeling restless. You're will and discontent.
As soon as I'm I left that job. As soon
as I walked out on my job, you're eating. I
have to do an inventory now, right, Why are you resentful?

(18:08):
And if I have to put it on paper? Now?
The step ten? Is it a written inventory? But let
me tell you something. It can be. It can be.
There's nothing wrong with right, nothing wrong. Look, we're gonna
do inventory the rest of our lives. That's the deal.
That is the deal. Now, I don't care the twelve
and twelve really goes back and step eleven. I think
it is where they talk about. We got spot check inventory,

(18:30):
we got nightly inventory, we got annual inventory, we got
semi annual inventory. Now, if you're a guy that thinks
that you do one fourth step and then you do ten,
I'm on that page. If you're a guy that thinks
he needs more than one fourth step a year, I'm
on that page too. You guys want you want to
do a four step every month? Fine, whatever takes you
out of that feeling, whatever gets you through that without

(18:53):
a drink or a drug, you do it. There's no
set rule right here. It's inventory, constant inventory. Let's accept it.
It's constant inventory. I left that. Man, you are out
of it, you are disconnected. You better look at that
resentment right now? Why are you resentful? Oh? Man, I

(19:14):
can play that in my head real quick. Who are
you resentful it? And why? Well? How are you affected? Oh?
My god? By social instinct, my security instinct? Yeah, both
of them. Did you play a part in that? What
did you say that made them say that? Did I

(19:35):
play a part of it? Right? Oh? Because I think
sarcasm is sarcasm is a gift. You know, not everybody
thinks that, especially the people on the receiving end. Tell
my wife, it's sarcasm's gift or mine? Yeah, but it is.

(19:59):
It's a nice with humor attached to him. Right, That's
what it is. It's a funny way of just cutting
somebody to threads in my book. You know, that's what
it is. And I love using it. And I had
to look at that. I had to look at that inventory.
What defects did you act out on? Here? Man? Was
this fear based? Was this did you react out of fear?

(20:22):
Were you just freaking inconsiderate? Is this where you dishonest?
He selfish? I asked me well, I mean, we could
go to the Seven Deadly sins, right, Pride, angered, greed,
glut and he lost, Dembi slot were any of those involved?
And get honest with myself. You need to call your sponsor.

(20:44):
Hell yeah, hell yeah. I fortunately mine was in town.
He was in from North Carolina. You know I sent
him a text. Let's get together. Man. Yeah, I'm not
above that. I am not above I'm not above a drink.
I'm not above a drink. I'm not out of the woods.
I'll never be out of the woods. I know the

(21:05):
truth in it. Will that keep me stop? I don't know.
I don't know inventory Talk to my sponsor. Look at
my character defense, which was one of those involved? Do
I own amends here? Step ten is four through nine

(21:27):
all the time. Step four through nine all the time. Right,
This is how I stay in the sunlight. Better yet,
in my boat. This is how I stay out of conflict.
I need. Conflict kills me. Conflict will take me to
a drink. I can't afford to be in conflict. I
need to be in harmony with the planet. That's where

(21:48):
I'm comfortable. As soon as I'm in conflict with anybody
or anything, For that matter. I lose that gift of
the sunlight, and I'm by the forehead wrinkles and I
turned inside, and I want to blame your ass. It's
about it's about incorporating the steps in your life, moment

(22:12):
to moment to moment, and eliminating the conflict as soon
as possible, soon as possible. The longer I hang on
to that resentment, the longer I hang on to that anger.
And that's what this was. This was anger. Longer I
hang on to that, the more chance I am of
doing something stupid. And it won't start with a drink.
It'll end a drink. It'll end there. It won't start there.

(22:36):
I might go out and spend some money I don't have,
just to feel good. I'll go buy a new vehicle
or some shit, you know. That'll make me feel good
for a couple of days, you know, and then when
I have to pay the bill, the conflict is back. Yeah,

(22:56):
the sex, Go do some sex free, you know, don't.
That's not picking up a drink. It's leading to it.
It's leading to it. It's gonna end up there, guarantee.
It's gonna end up there, because it's gonna blow up
my life. At some point, and I think we're Mannie

(23:17):
and I were talking about this before the meeting, and
that I actually did with this tenth step practice practice,
not at the beginning. At the beginning, it's acting out,
making it right, acting out, making it right, acting out,
making it right right. And then we come to them
and go, I acted out on some old behavior today,
but I made it right. No, that's current behavior, right,

(23:40):
that's not old behavior. Old behavior is something you don't
do anymore. Current behavior is what you're acting out on. Right.
But at some point, after we've practiced that, and after
it's become objectionable enough, I'm sick of freaking apologizing, we
show some restraint. And that's what I did Friday. I
showed some freaking restraint and I walked. I just walked

(24:03):
out of the conflict. And I didn't talk to them
for two days, even though they were calling me to
talk to me. I just knew I could not get
on that phone and say the right thing.

Speaker 2 (24:17):
So it took me two days to settle down and
where I could be rational and have a rational conversation
and really look at my faults in the situation.

Speaker 1 (24:29):
Not that they're any that's such bullshit, right. It takes
two to tangled. It takes two to tangling. So to me,
this is what six and seven has worked on as intent.
I'm working on my defects of character on a moment
to moment basis. I believe that's why six and seven

(24:51):
is so shot. So it's that to me, also explains
why do they have ten before upon awakening instead of eleven? Right,
that's why because we need to start working on those
defects of character immediately. Right. But the Big Book is
a starting point. It's a focused reference, right, It's really

(25:15):
an inventory. Step ten and eleven are really inventory steps.
In the Big Book, he touches on paryor meditation briefly,
and intuition and inspiration, which maybe we'll get to today.
I don't know, you know, But but it's really a
focused reference. It's a starting point. The Big Book is
here's where we're going to start working steps ten and eleven. Right,

(25:37):
So I'm gonna skip around ten and eleven a little bit. Right,
I'm gonna tell you how it works in my life.
I get up in the morning and as soon as
I look in the mirror, I go fuck, yeah, shit, yeah,
should have got more sleep yeah. But then then it
clicks and I look in the mirror and I go,

(25:58):
thank you, And that's my first words out of my mouth,
thank you for another sober day. Right. And I go
in and I get my protein shake and I drink that,
and I start my coffee and I go sit in
a chair and I read a lot of I read
the text. The Kurt sends me every morning prayer. He

(26:20):
sends me a prayer. This man sends me a prayer
every morning that I read every morning, and I respond
to both of them. My friend George Big Book, George
from Boca sends me an inspirational quote every day. I
get the grape Vine quote. And these are just short

(26:41):
readings that I do every frinking morning. I get the
grape Vine quote, and then I get my shoes on
while I'm sitting in that chair. After I read that stuff,
and I turn right to my knees on an armchair
and I do a third step prayer. And then I

(27:02):
get up and I start my day. I get my coffee,
I already drank the shake. I'm out the door, get
in the van, drive down Sample Road on the Saugress Expressway,
and then I gotta merge in all that prayer message

(27:28):
that I just did is God. Because there's some dumbass
it's in the right hand lane. It should not be
in the right hand lane because that's an exit and
entrance lane. The travel lane is in the middle, and
the passing lane is on the left. Who doesn't know that, right,

(27:54):
So a couple of things. There's a couple of pats
to show up at that situation. If I really remembered
what I just prayed for, then I put my turn
signal on and I either speed up or slow it
down and merge into that little traffic area right there right.
Usually I either floor it, you know, and just get

(28:15):
in front of everybody and race you guys to the
toll booth, you know, or you don't belong in that
lane anyway, I'm gonna shove you into the lane you
belong right with a turn stignal, of course, to let
you know, I'm gonna shove you into the middle lane. Right.
But as soon as I go, as soon as I

(28:35):
get there, the tent step hits me again and goes,
what are you doing? The forehead wrinkled? You know, it
was unwrinkled when I left the house. I'm stressed out again,
just merging. Yeah. I always think to Arthur all the
time when I tell that, because Arthur says, do you

(28:56):
want to stop people from cutting you off? I said, yeah,
he said, let them in. It's just too simple. I
remember calling my sponsor. I'm sitting on nine ninety five
in the traffic. I call my sponsor and like, you
can't gonna believe this. Every freaking morning, I'm sitting in
traffic for twenty minutes. Instead of being on the job

(29:16):
making money, I'm sitting I'm freaking traffic. And he said, pat,
you are the traffic, and I went, oh, yeah, I
am the traffic, you know. So now I'm not the
traffic anymore. I just kind of look around and say,
what am I supposed to see here? Where am I
supposed to read another thing? Because I get a bunch

(29:37):
of prayers and meditations to come through my phone during
the day. I really, I really pray all day I
really do. I read prayers all day long. You know,
you just keep coming in my phone and I go
all over Oswald Chambers my favorite. Your brother Lawrence is
one of my favorites, you know, just brother Lawrence talks

(29:58):
about it Why do we sit side time aside to pray.
Why don't we just pray all the time. Why don't
we just bring God into everything? God? Help me accept
this traffic. You know, what am I supposed to see here? God?
Who am I supposed to help? Am I supposed to
call somebody? Maybe if somebody comes on my heart, Sammy
or Kurt or Steve, they come on my heart and
I make a phone call. The other guys in this room. No,

(30:20):
they get text for me during the day just because
I think about them, you know, because they're part of
my lifeline. They're part of They're part of my You're
part of my life. They're part of why I stay sober.
So it tells me start the day on purpose, right,
start the day with a purpose. Okay, here's what I'm
gonna do. It also says that if I'm stressed out

(30:41):
about something, ask for specific help. But that's that area, right.
I don't know about you. I'm in the service business,
and I know Kurt gets it. You know. We have
jobs that we have to do every day that we've
never done before. We haven't seen the job yet. So
what do we do? We imagine the worst case scenario
and then we torture ourselves until we get to that job. Right.

(31:02):
And I might have four jobs before that job, So
my mind isn't on the four jobs I'm doing. It's
on that job that I've never done before. Would I say,
I always laughing? One hundred people sit there and stay

(31:23):
in one leaves and you go what I say. So
I ask God for help in the morning before I
leave the house. I got this job to do today.
I've never done it before. Just get me there, right,
Just get me there. We'll figure it out when I
get there, you know. Just take that worry off of
my heart and just let me get through these jobs,
one job at a time, right, one minute at a time.

(31:47):
And I ask for help for that before I leave
the house, or when it comes on my mind, ask
for help with that. And that'll come on my mind
on my heart over and over again during the day.
But I get to jobs and I'm asking looking for help,
it starts to just become away. It is just a
way of life for me today, right. So while I'm

(32:09):
out there during the day, that's to me, we're step
ten kising. I got to a customers house and everything
went well. I left there. I got to the next
customer's house. But when I left that customer's house, I
was in conflict. What happened? Right? I don't have to
look too far behind me because I was good an
hour ago. But right now, something's wrong? Inventory? Do I

(32:34):
need to call my sponsor? Did I do something where
I own amends on that job? Real quick, real quick?
Spot check here with That's where step ten to me
is right. And if I did do something there to
put me in conflict with that customer, I need to
make amends for it now and I can make that
situation go away now, right? Did I do something I

(32:56):
shouldn't have done? Did I get away with something I
shouldn't have got away with that? I did I mean
something and not even say anything. I got to ask
myself those questions, how do I want to sit in
a conflict? Or if I want to make a goal away?
I want to make a go away. I like being
in harmony with the planet. I'm getting used to that.
And then the eleventh step in the big book is

(33:18):
how well did I do that today? It's another inventory step? Right?
Am I holding on to a resentment? Is there something
I didn't talk to my sponsor or? Somebody else in
the fellowship about is there a character defect that I
continue to act out on? Did I do something where

(33:38):
I own Amen's today? And the thing that's that's sticks
out to me in that step is that we don't
look back with morbid reflection. We look back with a
positive attitude. How do I make this right right? How

(33:59):
do I make this right? So that's to me ten
and eleven. I get up in the morning, ask for help,
get that guidance all day long, and step ten and
step eleven, I go home and I do my night
in the inventory, and I'll tell you the UH if

(34:19):
I do with it? The uh out here it is,
I use an we created an inventory sheet for my
night in the inventory. It doesn't say you write it,
by the way in step eleven, but we write it.
You know, I get I try to get my guys
to write it. You know, I write mine every night.
I actually I put I uploaded this form and everybody

(34:39):
wants it let me know, I'll give it to him.
I upload this form into my into word and I
fill it out every night on my computer. I copy
paste it and email it to my sponsor. And then
when I close it, it asked me if I want to
save it, and I say no, and then I have
a blank inventory sheet for the next night. You know.
So we added a few questions other than most of
these are in the eleventh step. It says, how was

(35:01):
I resentful today? If I was do a four or
five column inventory? Right? The second question, how was I selfish,
egotistical or self seeking? Yes? Right? How was I dishonest?
Now we're reviewing our day? Was I dishonest today? How
was I afraid? I usually have something in that column,

(35:23):
some kind of fear. Sometimes it's the fear of speaking here.
You know that I'm dwelling on that during the day.
My biggest fear, my biggest thorn, is public speaking. I
hate it. I hate it. Once I get up here,
God kind of guides the thing and I don't know
where it's going to go. But I hate thinking about
it during the day. You know. It drives me nuts.

(35:44):
I mean, I mean, I get into these panic attacks
almost because I got to speak tonight, you know, but
I ask God for help in the morning immediately I
got to speak tonight. How about just take this away.
Let me worry about this later. Question five, do I
own apology? What amends? Step six? Have I wrongly kept
a secret? Question? Seven? Was I unkind, crue, harsh, or unfeeling?

(36:09):
Question Eight? Was I unloving, cold, unresponsible or indifferent? Question nine?
What could I have done better? Ten? Was I thinking
of myself most of the time? Eleven? Was I thinking
of what I could do for others? Twelve? Was I
thinking what I could pack into the stream of life?
And most of those are not long drawn on question.

(36:30):
This is something I do in less than ten minutes
at night. It's not a long drawn up Most of
it's no, no, no, no, no. You know. Then we
added these questions, Who did I help today? That's a
great question. Who did I help? What did I accomplish today?

(36:50):
What am I grateful for today? And who needs my
prayers today? And I always always have somebody on those lists.
You know. That's how I stay in the sunlight of
the spirit, That's how I stay connected to God. Step eleven.
As far as the twelve and twelve it concerned twelve

(37:12):
and twelve separates all the inventories and puts all the inventories,
the spot check, the nightly, the annual, the semi annually,
the ten step inventory eleven. Step inventory puts them all
in step ten, and they do just talk about prayer
and meditation in step eleven. In the twelve and twelve yea,

(37:32):
our next function is to grow, grow, not maintain, not maintain. Right,
this is a gross steps. These are gross steps. We
talk about maintenance steps. To maintain ability would keep it
the same. To maintain my vehicle would mean to keep

(37:54):
it the same. To maintain something living means to promote
its growth. Right. If you're maintaining a plant, you're promoting
it's growth. We're maintaining a living human being. We're maintaining
we're growing. That's our next one because it warns us
if we're just going to maintain or we're just gonna

(38:16):
stay where we are, we're resting on our assets. Right,
We're resting on our laurels. That's what it says in
the book. What does that mean? It means we're staying sober.
And yesterday's recovered, that river flowed, that river's gone. Right.
My morning meditation is we're starting over today. This is

(38:36):
a new day. That day is gone, that recovery is out,
and I need to grow today. Where can I grow?
That's what we're talking about. It's not going to be
careful not to rest on our laurels. There's there's that
I read it. I don't even know where I read it.
There's there's there's progressing, and there's regressing. There's no word

(38:59):
called gress. You know. You can't gress here. It just doesn't.
You can't. You will, you will go backwards. If you're
not moving forward, you're moving backwards here. There's no stay
in the same. Once again, I suffer from more. I
need more. I need more God. Right, I think it's

(39:21):
I meant Fox to talk about this never ending desire
for more God. I need more God in my life.
I want more God in my life. I want to
grow in that understanding and effectiveness there. It's about growing
in that. And there's never going to be enough, never
gonna be There's never going to be a place where
I need to stop. This is where when I was

(39:48):
talking I was when I last week, when I was
talking about when I met Russell. You know, Russell's question
really is what do you do when pages eighty four
through eighty eight don't work anymore? Right? When we're looking
at the inventories in ten and eleven, what do we
do when that doesn't work? Anymore. What about when we're

(40:11):
doing everything this book says, and we feel like crap,
but we feel like drinking. But I'm sponsoring guys, I'm
speaking at meetings, I'm doing service. I go to church,
but I don't feel good. But emotionally I'm a mess.

(40:35):
Because there's this my friend Ben Tropswil used to say,
it's called divine dissatisfaction. Divine dissatisfaction. We will always suffer
from the divine dissatisfaction that we always need more, We
always need more God. So Russell's question to me was,

(40:55):
what do you do in eighty four through eighty eight
doesn't work anymore? Maybe you need to be each outside
of this book and check into some other books or
some other fellowships for more God right. And that's what
I needed to do. That's what I needed to do,
you know. That was I've talked about rejection being really redirection.

(41:23):
You know, every time, there's probably a handful of, maybe
more than a handful of times where I've been seriously
rejected in my life where I thought it was the end,
and what it did was redirect me to a better place.
I mean, the first one that comes to mind is
my home group that I was the treasurer of and
a founder of a clubhouse, one of the founders of

(41:43):
the clubhouse, and somebody accused me of stealing money from
the treasury right and I hit them in the head.
I think I told you the story. I hit them
with the checkbook and took off. But what it did
was it it rejected me there and I was redirected
to a home group out in West Boca where I
met my sponsor, who I was able to unload my

(42:03):
one thing that I held off of my fifth step
that I thought I was going to take to my
grave because I found a man that I trusted enough
to tell him that story. It's happened over and over again.
The thing that brought me to Russell, I'd shared with
you guys last week, was my divorce after fifteen year sober,

(42:26):
fifteen years sober thinking I'm growing in the sunlight of
the spirit and I can't keep a freaking marriage together.
We talk about being rejected. Well, meeting Russell and Peter
redirected me back to church of my childhood. And I'm
not pushing church, and I'm just telling you what I

(42:47):
needed to do. This wasn't enough. I needed more. And
I was sitting in that church and I threw up
a prayer, God, if you're real, show me now, and
it he she did did. That was the day that
I put a name to my higher power. That was

(43:08):
the day my life changed. I went from I want
to kill myself, I want to go hide in the
woods somewhere with the animals and get rid of people,
to I'm gonna be okay. Yeah, I'm gonna be okay.
And Garrett mul done comes on my heart, who was
part of the God squad, the guys I avoided, Russell,

(43:31):
Garrett Ben. You know they say Jesus in the meetings
and tradition violators and you know to say Jesus, I
don't think you do. I asked Garrett to sponsor me,
and here's how I asked him. You scare the shit
on me, but I need what you have and I
want what you have. And Garrett sponsored me for the

(43:53):
next ten years until the day of his death and
took me to a place that I didn't even think
was possible to be okay with being rejected out of
a fifteen year marriage, to be okay with that, to
realize that's really what was supposed to happen. How was
I redirected? Because Garrett suggests that you're not gonna get
into another relationship for at least a year. You're not
even gonna date for at least a year. You're gonna

(44:15):
get right with God. You're gonna grow with God. You're
gonna you're gonna find a place where you're okay, just
with you, and then maybe you'll have something to share
with somebody else, because right now you're a codependent. Right now,
you are scared to death to be alone. Your relationships
are based on fear. A matter of fact, you'll stay
in a bad relationship just out of the fear of

(44:37):
being alone. You don't even know the difference between the
fear of being alone in love. And I did exactly
what he told me, and I run into Shannon a
year later. A year later, I run into the person
I should have been with the whole life, you know.

(44:58):
And and I'm gonna share this when I'll sho up
the And I don't know if I told this. It
was the first relationship I ever got into that didn't
start in the bedroom. First one ever. It always was
about sex. All my relationships were based on sex. It
was always in the pursuit of sex. You know what

(45:21):
we did on our first date. We took sex off
the table. We took it off the table. Can we
take it off the table? And she brought She breathed
a sigh of relief, and so did I. And we
spent at least three months just getting to know each other.
Isn't that a isn't that a novel idea? To see

(45:42):
if you like somebody before you have them move in.
That's amazing, isn't it? But that thought my norm? My
norm is get them in bed, have them move in,
have children with him, and then see if you like that.
You know, we actually fell in love before we fell

(46:03):
into the bed. That's a whole new experience and it's
a whole new level of love. Let me tell you,
it's a whole different deal. And I mean fifteen years
now we've been together, and it's just an amazing gift.
To this amazing gift. It's just without the rejection, I
would have never been redirected and have her in my

(46:24):
life today. And that happens over and over and over again.
You know, part of the reason why I'm at this
group comes out of rejection, right I mean, there was
a situation I was in with a very close friend
who rejected me. And out of that rejection, I came
out of desperation to this group and I ran into

(46:46):
guys that I needed to find. Sheldon, Maddie, Charlie, you know,
guys that I didn't know that I needed to know,
you know, and I needed what these guys have. Matt,
he's my my, he's my father Ed. You know. Bill
Wilson had Abby as a sponsor, but all his materious ship,

(47:07):
he took the Ed dollar father Ed Dallay. I got
a sponsor that I inventory with every night. But I
get with this guy. When I really need something, when
I really need some spiritual guidance, I get with this.
This is my father Ed. Right Without that rejection, I
would have never been redirected here. And I love the
people in this room. I love this group, Jimmy, everybody
that's here, this is the members of this group are awesome. Man,

(47:30):
you guys are It's a such a welcoming, loving place,
it really is. That's enough out, I mean, thanks