Pat R. Step 10 - Step Series at Life Is Good Group - 8/21/2025

Pat R. Step 10, Step Series at Life Is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL. 8/21/2025

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Recovered alcoholic. My name is Patter Rogan thanks to the
Twelve Steps ablop alex Anonymous outline in this big book
about Alex Anonymous, which is the program that I have
recovered from a seemingly vocal state of mind and body.
But now I'll be forever grateful. I can't even tell
you what this program has done for me. I just

(00:22):
didn't save my life, but it gave me anything life.
And all it's ever asked me is if somebody asked
me to do something like this, to say yes. And
if somebody ever asked me for an not to say yes.
And that's all this program that ever asked to me.
That's just an incredible thing. It blessed like I have
the blessed and to answer this two simple questions and
I get to do that. I get to work with

(00:44):
other people. And and what you don't know is you
guys helped me more than I want you. I think
Phil Wilson learned that very early on and is recovering
the successful twelve step calls. When I don't get mine,
if you get it, that's a falling, you know. But
if I stay sober, it's been successful. It's a new economy.

(01:06):
Live with a new economy. It's the only place you
give stuff away and you get more. You know, anywhere
else in life you give away proper you have blessed,
you give away money, you have blessed. Here you give
it away and you get more. That's just an incredible
economy if you get to live in. But you have
to experience that if your new year. I'm going to
probably talk a lot about the ninth step again tonight.

(01:28):
This is not where you start the program. Well, there's
eight steps in front of these in this part of
this step that you need to work before you get here.
It's important that we get right spiritually and mentally before
we go out and get right in the physical world.
These three dimensions that we live in, and in the
first three steps, the first two respectionally are are in

(01:52):
my in my opinion, a requirement. Yeah, there's no requirement
for membership, but there's surely a requirement for a spiritual
awakening or a spiritual experience, and that is that you
have to admit the fee. That's that's that's it. I
must you have to admit that you can't stay stopped
when you can't control, don't you start those are the

(02:12):
two questions on page forty four. And you have to
believe that no human power can keep you stop. In
my life, that was not a tough conclusion to come
up with, because I drank and gave up custody of
my son. No one I love more than that one,
No one on this planet that I loved doing that
w and I traded him for a drink. I've traded

(02:37):
relationships for drinks. I've given up careers for a drink.
I've given up my freedom for a drink. It was
obvious to me that there was no human power, no judge,
no son, no wife, no mother. It was going to
keep me stopped. And I think our book says being
convinioced of that, then we are in step three is

(03:00):
where I saw about. I'll say it again when we
get the twelve step. This is where I stopped. But
the guys don't work. You can see you convinced the
three person ideas. So you convinced that the first streets
of the first two steps, and if they're not, we're done.
As Bill would say, either reread the book and come
to a different conclusion, and he said, throw it away.
I'm not gonna tell you but then we make a

(03:25):
decision to get right with God. If we make a
decision to find out the truth about ourselves, it's a
table we're doing. It's rigorous honesty. You know, then where
the unfortunate slide, this incapability of being rigorously honest? Can
we get honest about ourselves? The boat's telling me that
I'm a self three, self centered, driven by fear of

(03:45):
self delute itself Penny, and I step on your toes
and you can telling it, and I blame you. Is
that true? That's to me? Is what four or five,
six and seven is about? Is that true? And I
found out the truth in step four, find the facts,
face the facts, and by not the truth about myself.

(04:06):
It was searching and fearless moral women. That's what they're
talking about. And I learned that he was right. The
book is right. I am selfish, i am self centered,
I'm driven for a hundred forms of fear, self delusion,
and self did when I saw the truth of that
in paper, and then I confessed that none of you

(04:28):
be I confessed it to a priest because I didn't
trust none of you. That's just the truth. This is
where they're not by the way I said before, that's
where gossip kills in these rooms. You know. I sat
around at Denny's listening you guys talk about everybody in
these meetings. There's no way I was sharing a fifth
step with you and having that crap on the Denny's
table next week. So I took mind to a priest

(04:50):
because I thought by law or to share about that's true,
like you just saw priestly code. I'm not sure, but
I took mind to a I'm not free and Kim
shared about it on Monday Night. Great talk. By the way.
I have been tears and I had my spiritual awakening

(05:18):
in stept by my first major I've had many epiphanies
since then. I've had many experiences since then, but I
had a major spiritual awakening in stept by the whole
new world into view. I developed a relationship in my armor.
I didn't just believe that there was God. I wasn't
just willing to believe there was God. There was a
God that was proven to me. There was an invisible

(05:40):
force that was proven to be that day that entered
my mind and changed my whole attitude and alcohol life
changed everything. I saw a whole different world in front
of me after that day, and I was painfully aware
of my defects of character. I haven't seen the truth
in it in steps forward five painful your with and

(06:02):
I wanted them removed. I was willing to happen ring.
Not that I'm capable of that. But with God's self
and with God working through you, I can overcome those
defects of character to some degree. And I'm getting better.
I'm never going to be perfect at it, but I'm
going to get closer. And I think each day I

(06:24):
try to kill that old self off and create a
new self. As Paul would say, successful living comes from
daily dying. I think each day I try to kill
a little bit of that old self off of the
Greek is new brassad bothfully. Some days I take a
few steps backwards and in other days I take a
bunch of steps forward. But I think I shared it

(06:45):
last week. The way I seen six and seven is
the way I see one and two. I am powerful
us over alcohol, and only God can remove the obsession
to drink. I am powerless over my defects of character,
and only God can remove those defects of character. That's
the way I see six or the without God's how,
I am powerless over my instinctual drives. I am powerless

(07:06):
over wanting you to like it, accept me. I am
powerless over having an emotional relationship with sorrow. Hon somebody
depend on me or need depend on you. I am
powerless over my need from the material of the financial

(07:26):
because that means to the prestige and the recognition. And
I am powerless over my sex instinct Without God's help,
I cannot reel them in. And it's not about eliminating them.
It's about reeling them in to a point where God
intended it to be in the first place. Not taking
these instinctual drives a social security of this sex instinctual

(07:46):
drives to a point where they hurt other people keeping
them reeled in. I think you might call it living
by spiritual principles. What a concept, trying to live by
spiritual principles and fortune. We have a step later on,

(08:06):
when I'm not looking by spiritual principles, I can realize
in it too. And I believe six and seven is
that short in the book book because we're going to
address our character defects on a moment to moment basis,
and step ten we get to step that, and I
don't think it's a coincidence in six and seven. It's
plug in between five and eight nine, because we better change.
But we're going to show up and make an amends

(08:27):
to the people that we have on I got to
show up differently. I can't be shown up the same person,
that same selfish cell center individual that they do before.
I better show up with different I better show up
and not be a taker, which first time in my
life my mom my mom used to hide her person
when I showed up. I better have changed and not

(08:49):
have her have to hide her jewelry, her person. I
show up at that some demonstration. I mean, maybe the
demonstration doesn't always need to come first, but the noted
words meeting little right and words being very little about them.
That's why I think that it's a good idea not
to make Look where Bill puts the family events at

(09:11):
the end. The reason for that, We're going to go
make some simple amends before and show them that we
have changed. Before we get to a point where we're
going to make amends to the family or to the
spouse or to the children. Those are the last amends
Bill addresses. Once you say we come up out of

(09:31):
the cyclone cellar and we want to apologize. All right,
everything's good now. I'm sorry, any grand wind stop low,
It's all good now. But that's what I wanted to do.
And if you're new here, you probably want to do
the same thing. Right, I'm sorry, Let me back in
the house. That's what I wanted. I share it with you, guys. Right,

(09:52):
I'm suffering. Three months in the program, Brian reads the
doctor's opinion to be the light comes off. I realized
I'm not crazy. I'm sick. I'm not crazy. I suffer
from an illness. I thought I was crazy. Anybody else
think they were crazy when they got here? Right right?
Who doesn't go home at night? Who has a couple
of crits, doesn't show up about? Who doesn't show up

(10:14):
on Christmas Eve? Who does that? Who gives up careers
and children and relationships? Who get freedom? Who gives that up?
Unless you're crazy about sick people, people who suffer from
an illness. To that, I was relieved to find out
I got an illness, and then I wasn't that shit crazy?

(10:35):
And I couldn't wait to tell her good news. I
found out I'm an alcoholic All I gotta do is
not drink and she said, nope, you're an asshole and
you drink a lot. And she hummed no demonstration behind

(10:55):
mili words, none at all. And both talks about warning
us about me. I'm sorry how many times they've heard
the I am sorry from our money? And I kind
of got started on step nine last week, but I
didn't get ready more. That distracted and we talked about
the easiest to the events last week is the financial See,

(11:16):
unless you knock them up, that is difficult. Rh unless
you have a like if you owe a lot of money,
if you don't have it, that's easy. I'm gonna have
to get a payment plan together. I'm gonna have to
wait till I get the money. But if you owe
a lot of money and have the money, that's a
little more difficult. But you got to actually write a
check or give them the cash. You have to let

(11:39):
go some and they so a little more difficult. And
last week I talked about the direct financial events, which
to me was easily credit card debt that I owed
and I make deals with them to pay that credit card.
But well, echo the I R s who decide that

(12:00):
I had to pay them back, the one that I
was afraid to call call be you know, So that
was that made that a little easier. And I made
a deal with them, right, and they were willing to build.
They just wanted their money. They didn't want any debtors prison.
They didn't want that to go on that road. And
I made a deal with them, and I ended up
paying the back Nick. I share with you about Nick,
the one that I was making the indirect amends, and eventually,

(12:23):
for any freaking years later, I was connected with his
wife who was able to make a direct amends to her.
But there's a lot of amends that I can't make
direct emends too that we're going to have to make
indirect emends too. If you've been shoplifting wal Marines and
CBS and publics, and it's going to be hard. It's

(12:44):
going to be hard to go in there and say
I owe you money, I've been shoplifting you. Here's your money.
They wouldn't even know how to take it right. So
what I do when I have my guys do their
eighth step list, I have them if they were shoplifting,
put a number on it. Let's put a number on
what do you think it was I want you a
one hundred five hundred thousand. I must. Let's find out

(13:06):
what charity Publics and Walgreens are involved in, and let's
start making payments until we pay off that. Nowel this
is about getting ranked with God. This is about getting
ranked with the universe. Say God, whatever you think that is.
By the way, that's what I'm talking about. That's that's
the cool thing about recovery. We don't define God for you.
We just want to lead you to this power bringing

(13:27):
to yourself that we call God, for lack of a
better term, this invisible force, this energy, this pure energy.
Call it what you want. But it's not human and
it's not a freaking tree or a dog. It could

(13:47):
be this group. For now, there's a power here. I
had a we talked about early on in the seed
step about the difference between what I did and the
army and the harm that it cause. When I did

(14:13):
to my mother stealing her money and stealing her jewelry
or anything else, there wasn't I a deal done that
I could sell and the nice sleepless nights that I
gave her because I was in out there on a run,
whether and I was, whether I was a liar or dead.
What she's going keeping up at night wondering what was
going on to be I got I shared. I think

(14:34):
I shared with my mother, got a good night's sleep
when I was in jail. But I owed her money.
She didn't want the money. I want the money. She
wanted her son then, and we'll talk a little bit
more about that and we get to the family. But
I wanted to pay her the money. So when my
mother's air conditioner broke, I took care of her air

(14:55):
condition She told me her air courvis were. I had
a guy go there and I told him, don't you
take a dime for my mother. I'm being my mother's
lawn died. I made sure a saw a guy came.
Because of this program, I got some kind of financial
stability in my life. And when you're not spending three
hundred a day on Bookaine, you tend to save money, okay,

(15:23):
but you're able to somehow pay that money back. I
don't know where I was. Uh I was at Monday
night meeting one night, and uh, I swore I had
four hundred dollars in my pocket, and some guy after
the meeting came up and bought a people and uh,
and I kind of remember putting money in the basket

(15:43):
when the basket went around, you know, And and I
and somebody come up to me on the meeting at
the end of the meeting, at the end of a
big book money and bought a people And uh, I
didn't have any money. I knew I had four hundred
wiles carried four hundreds around, but I had four hundred.
And I'm all the way home though maybe I left

(16:04):
at home. I searched the house, I searched my truck.
I searched the car. I cannot find its fore on
at all. I figured when I took the money out
to put money in the basket that I dropped the
four hundred, and then son of a bitch who bought
the big book picked up the money. I mean, who
buys a big book after the meeting? This is how
my brain works. Who the hell buys a pigle get

(16:25):
the end of the big book? Meaning only somebody who
didn't have money before but had money out right. So
I go back to the women's doting. Maybe it's strong.
I searched it. I go back again and then stay
that night. I get on that evening after work, I
can my motorcycle go to it's got a be And

(16:49):
I finally saw it her. Okay, it's good, and I
go out to the I'm gonna go out to the
ever place. I'm just gonna get quiet. I go out
to the end of Locks Road to the internet. There's
gorgeous sunset there. Sit there looking at the gators, watching
this sunset. Door now, and what comes on my heart is,

(17:11):
I'm talking. In the eighties, mid eighties, me and this
AC guy were coming out of this AC supply house
and the guy that came out before us dropped his
money up, and him and I picked it up and
split it. It was about four hundred doll And here's
what God says to me.

Speaker 2 (17:32):
There that now you know how he felt.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
Wow, the difference between what I did wrong and the
harn was it about the money, It was about the feelings.
And I decided, well, how am I going to make
that right? And I heard a speaker heard you talk
about it one night he was speaking. I'd probably hear

(17:59):
about making it into commends by giving homeless guys, almost
people on the corners, not judging them anymore, not saying
you're healthy enough to get a job. You're going to
buy a crack with it, You're going to go get
a drink with it. Stop judging them and just make
an indirect amends for that money you stole on the
back guy and give them a couple of bums. And

(18:20):
I've been doing it ever since. I want to get
right at God. I know I can't get right, it's
that gone, but I want to get right with Gone,
and so I don't judge these deads anymore. When I
see him, I get looking books and I asked him
their name, as Pee said, treat them like you would
any other human. Reed introduce with me, and I have

(18:41):
to introduced them soon. Just a way to get right
at the universe. There's a lot of different ways to
do that. Child support is another one. You know, we
talk about with the family, how many guys I come
in here. It didn't pay, They didn't take care of
their damn cads. I mean to my dad was a

(19:02):
dead beat dad, and I hate that. It's just so wrong.
But I know we do it. I know I didn't
do it. That was one of the things that I
hated about my father, and I swore I would never
be that guy. I was everything else that he was,
but I wasn't that guy, and so I would justify it.
I wasn't that I was going to take care of
my kid. You need to take care of your kids.
You need to make that bright. That's a financial amends.

(19:25):
You need to make director. And I'm to sponsored a
lot of guys. But we write the letter and we
do exactly what the book says, and send money, get current,
and send a little bit of the roars. Are you
going to see your child? Maybe not? Maybe maybe not.
I don't know. I can't guarantee anything. I know this

(19:48):
in my recovery depends on my relationship with God. My
recovery depends on me being conflict free, and for me
not to make that amends would put me in confident
And sometimes we have to trust the process. And that's
why there's eight steps before this, because we're on different footing.

(20:08):
Now God has entered our heart. At this point, we're
on different footing. Somebody else is running the show. I'm
not running the show anymore. I don't know how this
is going to come out, but I know that if
I don't do the right thing at this point moving forward,
there's a chance that I might break or go so
we send money and I know guys, and we're never

(20:30):
going to see their kids again. Their mothers swore they
would never see them again. You pay off the twenty
thirty grand uo. Maybe you talk about six months later
Terrence has got his kid coming down visiting is thought.
A year later his son's coming down and staying for
the summer, three years after his son lives with you. See,

(20:52):
that's how this process works. Now. Is that a guarantee. No,
it's not a guarantee that worked out. I've seen cases
where it didn't. But it feels good to do the
right thing. It puts your conflict free, and the vocal
dresses the criminal stuff. Not that there's any of you
guys here. Bill give us says, Look, we don't just

(21:19):
throw ourselves at the judge. We bank deals. We are attorneys.
You may have to go to jail. This book never
ever says that we are another where it's just accepts
when to do so or others. It never says that
we're one of them. It says the opposite. It says

(21:43):
we should be hard on ourselves and easy on everybody else.
We have to go to jail, We have to book jail.
We need to face the music. Not everybody's down here
because of the weather, and there's stuff that takes place
up in the north, and we go as far south
as we possibly can, and that's baby Brower County. But

(22:09):
who wants to live the rest of their life? Every
time a comp is behind him, every time you seem
like splash, You're not nobody, by the way, nobody gets
away with eighty forever it just doesn't happen. There'll be
some spunk check v ui or something. It's being trapped
or something will happen. You end up getting on. Who
wants to live with that fear for the rest of you,
for the rest of your recovery? This is about getting

(22:31):
three How free do you want to be? Are you
willing to face seven yews?

Speaker 2 (22:39):
I was?

Speaker 1 (22:40):
I was talking to Sarah before the meeting and uh
I always had her provision to tell her a part
of her I'm wanting to tell her story. But but
but there here's someone and came through my wife's program.
It's sober and has to face the music or run? Right,
You either run or what was it? Three years there?
Or face three years? That's not an easy decision. That's

(23:04):
a leap of faith. Can I trust God to go
to jail for three years? That's one of the most
inspiring stories. I'm in last there. I have permission to
be using me. But you know, just it's one of
the most inspiring stories under her and she takes this

(23:25):
leap of hey, not knowing what's gonna happen. I'm gonna
even know what you need to do. Read the message,
carry the message. You don't look what you're talking about.
You have no idea where I'm going, you know, and
I didn't. You got chills all over. Meets there and
she goes there. It starts a meeting and we have
people come to my Monday night longer going Sarah spy

(23:48):
from jail. That's incredible. That's gone, that's trusting the process.
And now she's free. She's free. Nope cloud nope, dark
cloud hanging over. I want to worry about where I go,
who I see, whether it's copp in the room or not.
That's freedomy that thinks, guts, It takes trust on it,

(24:14):
that takes some real that takes a real leap of faith.
I had admired them, and that's an example of what
I need to do to stay. So that's the kind
of that's the kind of rank that I need to
be willing to go. And I believe I am willing
to do that. I need to know I had a warrant. Look,

(24:35):
I was cusho that owns a funny story. Actually I
decided I needed a weapon, you know, So I decided
to go buy a weapon, and they do a background
to Actually.

Speaker 2 (24:48):
It was this.

Speaker 1 (24:50):
A legit trafficking charge that I had from nineteen seventy four,
which na I had to address it. I had to
address it. I had whatever it takes, What do I
gotta do? There was no disposition, no degree, no disposition
on the case. They could have taken the case to trial,

(25:14):
and I just I got an attorney, Like like we're
suggested to do, get an attorney. I got an attorney
and had him look into it. Fortunately it was so
long ago they didn't have computers and flash drives. The
micro fish is that what it was? Fault something like that.
It was deteriorated so bad if we hardly read the chargers.

(25:36):
But I was willing to do whatever it took. I
gave it more than a couple of thousand dollars to
take care of it. And it ended up, getting it
its fot and get to take care of him. No free,
I don't have to worry about it done done. I had.
My mother was a toughness. My mother and my children

(26:04):
except eleven says, to be careful not to look back.
It's more than to reflect you. I don'tt to take something.
It's hard enough to look back without regret the people
that I damaged in the path that that tornado that

(26:25):
tore through women's lives, on children's lives, old relationships, lives.
I regret it. I regret it. I look back at
that and that's there was some damage done there that
I may never be able to repair it. I can
be willing to repair it, but I don't know if

(26:47):
I'll ever be able to repair though. It's funny when
when I look back at my mom and I and
I think about the harm that I caused her and
trying to make up to be the son she wanted
to be to be. I did the best I could
at doing that and making me a manage that I
thought I needed to make. And my mother was a

(27:08):
two time cancer survivor and she had a dying because
she needed a knee surgery hurt her knee, and she
went in and had knee surgery and she flappined on me.

Speaker 2 (27:22):
On the table and she was in a colma. I
don't know a lot of things a month close to
a month.

Speaker 1 (27:30):
And she came out of that colma, and then she
had sepsis, developed stepsis, and then she ended up vatkat
in the hospitle and call and I don't thinking you
looked to my own anything. She's getting near to death
the white Is there any ad manage that I haven't
been able to bake yet?

Speaker 2 (27:49):
You know?

Speaker 1 (27:50):
And I thought no, Mike was the street is because
my mother comes out of a calm after three weeks,
looks me in the eyes and says, why don't you
get along with your sister? And you go back to sleep?
Doctor was important to her. That was what was on
her heart. That's what she wanted to want of her children,

(28:11):
to get along. My sister and I had been in
each other throughout three years. Needless to say, I made
vents to my sister the next day because that's what
she loves. That's what you want. That's the kind of
stuff I'm talking of. That's the kind of stuff. This
takes time. It takes showing up. It takes demonstrations to

(28:36):
take care of the UH. I have two boys, and
my one son was two. He never saw me go.
He doesn't reckon. See. My oldest son was twelve. He's feenish.

(29:00):
You've seen the boles. He's seen his dad's fists go
through walls. We seen his mother knocked me out by
his father. My son locked himself in his room and
saw his father put his fists through.

Speaker 2 (29:14):
The door and unlocked that door from the other side.

Speaker 1 (29:20):
How do you make it? Once? And I made in
my first year of recovery. I be a direct amand
is a face to face. Ements didn't go like I
wished it would have. He was thirteen at the time. Yeah,

(29:41):
and I made when I thought I was the best
amends that I could make early at that time. And
we said, yeah, that sucked, and he went off. He
went off. He said, one of the worst days of
my life. I said, day you guys got back together.
Yeah you, Oh god, I was happy when you move

(30:02):
back in. Not so much, I heard. And it was
if we didn't develop a relationship out there, and I
had a pretty good relationship. Twenty seven years later, I'm
doing a step series dot Yeah, oh god, anything of

(30:24):
the group done in South day, it'll come an you
want to talk. It was like a couple of voices
going on three conversations. One of them is thinking about
work tomorrow, the other one's here and the other one now.
We'll be trying to figure out what a group that was.

(30:45):
So my son sends me this text during the meeting.
It after me I give me. It says, I want
to thank you for all the skills that you're talking
and that's extra driven in to me about working part
and doing what's right. I know there were plenty of
steed bumps along the way, but I want you know
how much I appreciate you taking the time to let
me learn and providing me with a foundation to be successful.

(31:10):
I don't know if I could ever really thank you,
and I just hope I could continue to be that
person for my kids. I love you, and I look
forward to the next time we get together. I wrote
him back, I said, thank you so much. I'm so
proud of the man you'd become. I couldn't be drown. Yeah,
there were bumps along the way, and I truly regret that,
but you and Joe have always been and will always

(31:32):
be the most important people in my life. Thanks for
being you. I always look forward to seeing you. Can't
wait to see you again. He writes back. I don't
regret anything. It was all part of the journey. Never
did not. There's a long road of reconstruction him. That's

(32:00):
the first line of eighting fives, very top of the
page is a long road of reconstruction. I just need
to stay that course. I just needed to stay that
course and never give up. And that boy he mentioned
he saw what he considered credibility and maybe ours are

(32:21):
really good and our relationship change. But it took twenty seven,
forty years for him to believe me. My other son has,
my youngest son grew up a group. We have a
connection that just off the charts. It's a spiritual finic.

(32:43):
My oldest son his words of a scientist. Yeah, and
but he believes that there's this invisible force out there.
He believes in the the unknown. But he's going to
call it that. My youngest sons on the jury with me,
on this spiritual journey with you have a connection. It's awful.

(33:04):
I could never imagine that.

Speaker 3 (33:12):
I didn't want you, hm, I don't want to never
shared that I didn't want. Thank God, I didn't get
what I wanted. God, I didn't get what I.

Speaker 1 (33:34):
Your will, Why don't let me run this freaking show
every again. You know, that's how I show, That's how
I that was are the conclusions I come to with Ah,
the greatest gift in my life that I've ever been given,
selfish fee would have given up. That's sad, that's regrettable.

(33:59):
Like I said, Mormon reflection, now regret, damn right, dam right.
There was a lot of regret. My ex wife just
started talking to those right in the last year. It
was that's true with most semi girls. I predated, bute

(34:22):
are in partictionar I married her twice it worse or
twice it didn't work about drunk or so less. Apparently
I can't get a lot of dropped or so Yeah,
but you talk about it was that, oh I could
never make it right. And you know it's funny. I
was up there by myself about a year ago, and
this it's been ongoing, I mean eight for me and

(34:45):
my wife was obvious to everyone, you know, and any
family functions anything like that. And I made amends, direct amends.
But it apparently mhm. It didn't land for whatever reason,
probably my fault, probably my probably not. But I was

(35:10):
up there by myself about a year ago, I think
it was, and we happened to be in a situation
where the two of us for a while, and I
made the best tempt at the direct amends that I've
ever tried to make with her, and not because I
want anything, just because I owed it too, and I

(35:31):
knew that she was harboring terrible I don't even I
don't even know if receptment, you know, and patre might
be a better word. And after I was done with
my amends and she agreed with me everything I'm heading too,

(35:52):
she agreed hundred percent. And if you didn't change right,
the next time we were there, it was a different person. Thanks.
I would just totally get talking to, actually talked to,
actually talk to my wife, and was corrigible all the

(36:15):
time every day. It's just amazing. And just continue that reconstruction,
just continue to try to make it right. I had
my very first girlfriend ever, I mean first everything ever,

(36:37):
who I introduced to probably at least a half a
dozen jails at sixteen years old. Yeah, I would smashed
her father's car yeah, earner on the drugs and offer
never was able to shoot. Like I said, no one
that I ever dated or had a relationship with ever

(36:59):
one would be after that. And she's surfaced a few
months ago on basebook and I said to Shannon, you know,
I feel like I are amends that you are you
okay to be miscontacted her and writing a letter right
in through Uh whenever did all that stuff social media.

(37:24):
I'm not a big personal media. So I made a
a men's attempted events and regretting, and that's how I started.
I really regret that people in my behavior, regret putting
you in those positions and those jail cells, so on

(37:45):
and so forth. And she says we were just kids
being kids, and I said that went on another twenty
years for beginning to be you may have grown out
of it, went on another twenty years. I'm gonna I'm
gonna add and I stole this when Charlote Farmley h

(38:10):
I just love too. It's just so true. Charlie was
my mentor.

Speaker 4 (38:17):
If anybody's joined Charlie Big Book seminars and why I
do the Big Book seminars because I got sober from
somebody who came out of the Big Book seminar and
used that experiment on me to see if it were
and and I've.

Speaker 1 (38:31):
Just been a Charlotte arm Lay clone my whole life.
I'm a big book guy.

Speaker 5 (38:38):
And the truth is, if I had known what alcohol
would have done for me, how I was going to
react to alcohol, I'm going to drank it five.

Speaker 1 (38:50):
You know, I was just I was a torm a kid.
I really was. And I don't know, Like I said
to you earlier in the first we guys, I have
no idea what that tournament table. I don't know if
I don't just wired that way. Fear, torment, anxiety, Paul
me a lot. I love Clapton calls of torment, and
I love that one because that's what it was. Hated me.
I hated being, I hated who I was. I hated

(39:13):
the way I felt. I hated the way I looked.
I was always shorter than smaller than the skinnier and
then freckles ears at stick out. You know, we look
in the mirror and we see this troll. Why do
I have to be a troll? You know? Why can't

(39:34):
I be that guy? You know? Why can't I be
a job why can't I be Why I'm always the
next to the last kid picked in Jim class? You know,
just ormented me? And I really was, and up till
up till the date, and I gone halfway through a
bottle of Moon's Farm show up or a don't. And

(39:57):
I knew a new freedom and a new atticus. And
when I drank, I didn't regret the past or wished
to shut the door on. When I drank, I could
see how my experience could benefit us. But I drank.
That feeling of uselessness and self pity disappeared. When I drank.
I lost interest in selfish things to gain interest in

(40:19):
my thoughts. When I drank, self seeking slipped away. When
I drank, my whole attitude and outcook on life change
when I drank. Fear of people, an economic insecurity level.
When I drank, I intuitively knew how to handle situations
it used to baffle. When I drank, I realized that

(40:44):
alcohol was doing for me what I could not do
for myself.

Speaker 2 (40:49):
How could you not love that?

Speaker 1 (40:52):
How could you not fall in love with that tormented
child was in the rears, that tormented teenager was? I
went for Pee Wee Herman to John Travolta in a
Battle of Boots farm show for Yll What a gift.
That's how I'd be leave so much to build's story right,

(41:14):
the market crashes, that people were jumping out of windows
of communicating committe. As soon as I went, as Bill say,
that's that, I went back to the bar. His solution
was alcohol. My solution was alcohol. My problem was sober.
I don't do sober well. I shared with you when
I got here. Sober sucked. I suffered for three months

(41:39):
here dry, not drinking and freaking going to Denny's with
he losers. I'm in that hotel room and not on
the development setting. All of a sudden, the alcohol isn't
working anymore. All of a sudden, I was not justifying

(42:02):
my behavior anymore. All of a sudden, I'm not getting
absolution through the bottle anymore. Garrett is to say it
all the time. Alcohol gave me permission to violate your
principles and mine, and then it gave me absolution after
I violated them. It's not working anymore. I'm getting them

(42:23):
to drink to pass out. I'm getting up to drink
to pass out, over and over and over again. And
there's no relief in it. The the devilments you're having
trouble with personal relationships can't control my emotional nature. I'm
a praying. The misery and depression can't make a living.
I'm feeling useless. I'm full of fear and I'm happy.

(42:44):
I couldn't be the help of anybody. That's who I
am drinking now now, and that's what brings me here.
Because I'll be totally honest with you, if all still work,
I'll still be doing it. I'm not here. I gave
up everything for the booze. I had already been there.

(43:06):
It wasn't like you're gonna lose something. I've lost everything
I loved and everything that loved me. Everybody that loved
me was gone. I'm here because it stopped working. If
it still worked, I'd be out there suffering the consequence.
Thank your God. Who knew? Who knew if my worst

(43:27):
fig would become my best? Sick? Who knew that it
comes from Paul Olier? Right doctor adding alcohol? When I
came to AA, I thought it was the worst thing
that possibly happened to be turned out to be the
best thing that could possibly happen, you know, and that
means I don't know what's good for me. That's what

(43:48):
that means. So how would I know what's good for you?
That's right out of doctor Attila. Acceptance is the answer. Consort.
They changed the nator, that's right out of that. Still
the acceptance. I lived on that exception for three months.
That's probably the only thing kept you know what kept
me here? Billy, Billy g kept me here. That's the

(44:10):
only reason I stayed here for three months dying from
untreated alcolos. Because I identified with Billy's story. Billy was
going through a divorce too. Billy had two boys too.
Billy was living in an apartment and his wife had
the house. We had something in common. I identified with Billy.

(44:30):
I wanted to go where Billy was. We were talking
about that before the meeting. M somebody asked me, why
don't you know? Why do I you'd like driving? Is
that why I could come to Boca because there's meetings
of Karl Springs right? No, I go where the people are.
I know where my people are. I chased speakers, not meetings.

(44:52):
I want to know where's Garret, Where's Ben, Where's Where's Dave? Eighteen?
Would zeek at that time was on fire. Mike Dell
was on fire at that time. Where are they speaking?
Those are the guys I want to hear if I
didn't know where they were. Where's Billy daw Where's Billy?

(45:13):
Because I'm going to go where Billy's dog? Because I
know he chasing those guys. I didn't want to know
where the closest feeding was. Figure my guys, tell me
that this is me off. What meeting are you going
to do? I don't know. I want a wuff right?
Who's speaking? I don't know what kind of meeting is?
And oh, you know, what are you doing for? You're
going to get your paper signed? They look's going on.

(45:37):
You'll become who you hang out with. Chase the people
who are chasing those people, the big book guys, the
twelve and twelve guys, your new speaker meetings, identify, find
and identifications. That Billy. When I heard Billy's story, that
was my guy. It wasn't for him. I wouldn't be

(45:59):
here today. But in ninety days, not knowing what my
problem was, I was suicidal. I was ninety days sober,
and I can't live for one war second without a drink.
This sober sucks. That's no different than being in that
hotel room not being able to stop, and that sucks too.

(46:21):
Thank god, somebody came up to me with the armed
with the facts and said, how'd you like to hear
about the program? And I've been counted this program for
three months? He says, no, you've been visiting the fellowship
and he had one of these with his here, this
is the problem. Do you want to hear? And he
read the doctor's opinion to me, and that's when my

(46:41):
life changed. Oh my god, I'm illed, not crazy. What
do I gotta do? What do I gotta do? Find
those people, find those people there, armed with the facts,
and follow them a run. How far would you have
driven to get high? You know what I mean? How
far would you drive to get alcohol or drugs? We're

(47:03):
talking about. Wow, I'm ending GOP meeting around the corner
because it's convenient. Yeah, find out what kind of media
is where you do? Thanks for loving here.