November 6, 2025 • 40 mins
Pat Rogan Step 3, Step Series at the Tuesday night Step Group at the 12 Step House, Fort Lauderdale, FL, 11/4/2024.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I recovered alcoholic. My name is tot Rogan. Thanks to
the twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, outlined in this Big
Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the program of AA,
I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind
and body. And I get emotional every time I say that.
I just can't even express how grateful I am to
(00:22):
this program and this fellowship that has really you know,
I used to get so pissed off when I would
hear this giving me a life beyond my waller streets,
and I never forgot. I was so mad at that
guy when I would hear him every night introduce himself
saying that, and I'd say, do you know where you are?
You're in AA. Nobody wants to be here. We all
(00:46):
end up here. Nobody wants to be here. God, I
want to be here. I mean, this is my favorite
place to be and this is one of my favorite
rooms to be in. I mean, I just love it here.
I loved to hear and the one on one club, No,
I like. I like ghetto, a man, That's that's what
(01:06):
you know what I mean? I don't want to be
in Boco, you know what I mean? I want to.
I want to be in Fort Lauderdale on the hood,
you know by the tracks that's right, that's where the
one on one is too. Uh. Welcome back case, Good
(01:27):
to see you, my friend. Yeah, glad you made it back.
You know, buried, Well, we're gonna bury a form response
hee uh next week. We found him dead yesterday. That's
(01:50):
what happens here. You know. If you stay along here,
I mean, get a black suit if you're gonna hang around.
I'm just saying it's the miracles that take place in
this room are awesome, but the tragedies that we see
here sad. It's sad because we have the answer. We
(02:15):
do have the answer here, but it's for those who
want it, not for those who need it, right. I Mean,
an old friend of mine used to say, if it
was for people who needed it, we'd be at Joe
Robbie Stadium having a meeting right now. There'd be seventy
freaking thousand people there, you know. But it's for people
who want it, and that's why our success rates are
in the single digits, you know, because not everybody, not
(02:38):
everybody takes that leap of faith that we talked about
last week and just trust us, man, just trust us.
You know that this this shit can work, man, it
can work for you. So I, uh, I'm gonna do
something different tonight. I'm just gonna read this one. I'm
(02:58):
not reading. This is what I do. I make plans
during the day of what I'm gonna talk about, and
then all that shit goes out the window halfway here.
And because I was listening to how it works, and
we spent two and a half weeks on the first
two steps, so I was listening to how it works,
which ends up at the first two steps, and I thought,
(03:21):
what an inconsistency. That is what we kind of read,
you know. And I'm not putting it down. I'm just
saying it's inconsistent with the rest of the book. Right
it says it sounds like a set of suggestions. Right
here are the steps we took what your suggesting as
a program of recovery. It almost sounds like take it
or leave it, you know. And I've heard that crap
(03:45):
in the rooms where take what you want and leave
the rest. No, No, there's the wording of the big
book starts out with We're gonna tell you precisely what
we did, you know, and we're gonna tell you specific
We're gonna answer questions that you have specifically. Then we're
gonna give you some clear cut directions. We're gonna tell
(04:07):
you that lack of power that was our dilemma, and
we're gonna tell you exactly how to find that power
that's going to solve your problem. Those are the words
that that Bill uses, you know, precise, specific, exactly clear
cut directions on how to find this power greater than yourself.
And then we hear like a set of suggestions. So
(04:29):
what's what's wild is that wasn't what Bill originally wrote.
You know, that wasn't how it works that was originally written.
Bill struggled with it, and we always talked about there
was this six step program. There's no proof that there
was ever any six step program in the early days
of AA. We see the tenants that Bill pulled out
of the twenty eight tenants of the Oxford Groups in
(04:51):
the forward to the second edition, which by the way,
is written in fifty five, right in the late forties,
early fifties, you know, which he talks about surrender and
inventory and confession and restitution and helpfulness to others and
a belief in the dependence upon God, right, and you
could probably equate that to some kind of a six
step program. The only time you ever see the six
(05:13):
steps mentioned or written is in AA Comes of Age,
was written in the late forties, and in Earl Truth
Story in He Sold Himself Short in the back of
the book on page two sixty three. You see the
sixth step program there. But there's nowhere in any of
the stories other than Earl Story. Nowhere in any of
the first and second edition stories, the older stories do
(05:38):
you see the six step program mentioned. What you do
here and see is what the Oxford groups were using
in Ohio. The four absolutes right, absolute, honesty, unselfish, dis
purity and love. And I love this because we're going
to be talking about this in a minute, if I
ever get there, plan on it there. We're going to
(06:01):
talk about the third step in a minute, right, And
it says any behavior could be judged on how well
it is adhere to these principles, right, because we're going
to be talking about principles in the third step, right,
and what guiding principles are we going to live our
life so that we are conflict free? Right? So they
(06:24):
were using the four absolute, and they were using these
five seas conviction, confession, contrition, conversion, and continuance. And this
was continued in uh mostly in Ohio for many years,
even after the Big Book was written. And then the
five procedures give it one, give it to God, to
listen to God's direction, three check guidance, four restitution, and
(06:49):
five sharing for witness and for confession. This is what
they were using before Bill wrote how it works. And
then we know that he struggled with it. He tells
us he struggled with it. He used to get these
imaginary ulcers when he was doing the writing and fall
into these depressions mostly when he was doing the writings.
(07:09):
I mean, if he read some of his history, it's amazing.
As broken as he was, but he was able to
accomplish in this program, in this program right here. It
just I have so much respect for him, and you could,
you know, I hate anybody that tries to find the
flaws and Bill, because maybe it's time to look in
(07:29):
the mirror, you know, because we're all broken. We're just
all broken different, you know. So I'm not judging him,
and I'm not judging anybody that's sitting in this room.
You know, I'm as broken as anybody's sitting in this room.
So what I wanted to read tonight, which is that's
something I've never done in a step series, is the
original how it works that he read that he wrote,
and you'll see the inconsistency that I'm talking about, right, says,
(07:53):
rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly
followed our directions. That's how he starts it out. Those
who do not recover, people cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women
who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They
are such unfortunates. They're not at fault. They seem to
have been born that way. They're naturally incapable of grasping
(08:14):
and developing a way of life which demands rigorous honesty.
Their chances are less than average. There are those two
suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of
them do recovery if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our story is to disclose in a general way, what
we used to be like, what happened, and what we're
like now. If you decided you want what we have
and you're willing to go to any length to get it.
Then you're ready to follow directions, and some of these
(08:37):
you may balk. You may think you can find an easier,
softer way. We doubt if you can. With all the
earnest just at our command we beg of, you'll be
a fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of
us have tried to hold on to our old ideas,
and the result was nil until we let go. Absolutely,
remember that you're dealing with alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful.
Without help, it is too much for you. But there
(08:59):
is one who has all power. That one is God.
You must find him now, have measures will avail you nothing.
You stand at the turning point, throw yourself under his
protection and care of a complete abandon Now we think
you can take it. Here are the steps we took,
which are suggested as a program of recovery. Right admitted
(09:19):
we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity. Three made a decision to
turn our will and our lives over the care and
direction of God as we understood him. Four made a
searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five admitted to God,
to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature
of our loves. Six were entirely willing that God remove
(09:42):
all these defects of character. Seven, humbly on our knees,
asked Him to remove our shortcomings, holding nothing back. Eight
made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make a complete amends to them all.
Nine made direct amends to such people wherever possible, accept
when the deece who will injure them or others. Ten
continue to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong,
(10:03):
promptly admitted it. Eleven sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our contact with God, praying only for knowledge of
His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Twelve having had a spiritual experience as a result of
this course of action, we tried to carry this vestry
to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in
all our affairs. You may exclaim what in order I
(10:25):
can't go through with it, Do not be discouraged. None
of us have been able to maintain anything like perfect
adherents to these principles. We are not saints. The point
is that we are willing to grow along with spiritual lines.
The principles we have set down our guides to progress.
We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description
of the Alcoholic, the chapter of the Agnostic, and our
(10:47):
personal adventures before and after have been designed to sell
you three pertinent ideas builds a salesman. A that you
were alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. Be that
probably knows human power can relieve your alcoholism. See that
God can and will. If you are not convinced of
these vital issues, you ought to reread the book to
(11:08):
this point or else throw it away. This is what
he claims was divinely inspired. Right after a long period
of meditation. He felt as if God grabbed a pen
and guided it onto the paper. It was the biggest,
(11:30):
one of the biggest controversies in the writing of the
Big Book, right because you've got the Midwest who want
more God, there's not enough God in their bill, and
you've got the Northeasters saying you got to get the
God out of it. You know, we cannot have God
in it. I mean this is you know we get
this argument that goes on, and it stops the writing
(11:50):
of the big book for a while. A doctor Howard,
a psychiatrist, friend of the of the program. And if
you if you ever read the book that started at all,
the big red one that's out there, his name is
all over it. He did a lot of editing in it.
And Howard mediates this battle between New York and Cleveland
(12:10):
and Akron, you know, and tells Bill, look, Bill, you
can't tell an alcoholic that they must do anything. They
will not listen to it. And maybe you should say
we instead of you. And you can't get them on
their knees, you know, we got people coming in here.
They just don't get on their knees. You got to
take that out of there. And maybe you shouldn't tell
(12:32):
them to throw the book away. Directions, you know, people
don't like directions. Must must tell them it, must do it.
Bill conceives eventually, and that's what we end up with
the how it works that we see today. Now. I
believe this whole program was divinely inspired. It ended up
(12:55):
just the way it was supposed to, you know, But
I don't know. I mean, we could ask ourselves instead
of two million, and globally, would we have ten million
if we left it the way Bill had it, or
instead of two million, would we have one hundred two
hundred thousand? You know, I don't know. You know, I'm
not that smart, but I think did it ended up
just the way it was supposed to end up, you know,
(13:16):
to reel everybody in, to be all inclusive. And the
reason why Bill wanted to get away from the absolutes
and the convictions and the procedures is because he wanted
this open for everybody. He didn't want to restrict this
to Christians or any particular denomination. He wanted everybody that
walked in here to be able to find this power
(13:38):
greater than themselves. That would solve your problem. Right. But
that lands us where we are right So let's say
how it works. Kind of sounds like a set of suggestions.
And then he lands where we are right now on
the second two steps. The ABC's are the first two steps,
and then it says right after that, being convinced, being convinced,
(14:04):
we are at step three, convinced of what being convinced
that you're powerless, that you cannot stay stopped on your
own no human power will keep you stopped, and only
a power greater than human power will solve the problem.
That's a requirement. Those two steps are a requirement for
(14:27):
recovery in any of the a's right in AA. That's
those are requires, and there's no requirements for membership. Anybody
can be here. I mean require one requirement, right, a
desire to stop drinking. Right, And we can't even prove that.
We're not allowed to. We're not allowed to interrogate you
on that. Let's see if you really mean it. But
(14:54):
if you want recovery, there's two requirements. This is where
I stop anybody that I'm sponsoring. We're not moving on
unless you're convinced. Why would we what's the sense if
you still think you can will yourself sober, If you
still think your children or your spouse, or your parent
(15:14):
or a judge is going to keep you stopped, have
at it? Why be here? There's pretty women here, I
get it, and the coffee's okay, yeah, But why would you?
Why would you devote your life to this unless you
had to? So I want to hear yes, I am convinced,
(15:37):
and then we're ready to go on with the third step,
And we're ready to go on with the third step.
And what's that mean? That means you're going to turn
your will you're thinking. That means you're going to turn
your thinking and your life over to the care of
God as you understand him. Whatever you think that is,
that's the beauty. Whatever you think God is, That's what
(15:59):
I'm talking about. That's what this book is talking about,
creative intelligence, spirit of universe energy, Jesus Muhammed Allah. I
don't care. Nobody cares here. It just can't be human
and it has to be a power greater than yourself.
(16:20):
You gotta be convinced of that. And that's what we're
gonna do. We're gonna turn our will and our life
over the care of God. If I can turn my
thinking over the care of God, my actions would change
and then my life would change into and result of that.
Here's the problem with pat My thinking all turns to
an emotion. All my thinking goes to my gut, and
(16:40):
then my emotions dictate my next behavior, which is usually
based on a lie which is usually not true. So
somehow I've got to change this. The main problem of
the alcoholic who has talked about with centers in the
mind not the body, the mind that says it's okay
to drink, not the body that keeps convincing us it's not.
(17:05):
We know that we have an abnormal reactor. If you're
convinced of the first two steps, then you're convinced that
you suffer from an abnormal reaction to any mind or
mood alterned substance that once you put that substance in
your body, you're off to the races. You got to
be convinced of that. That's step one. So just don't
(17:25):
pick up. If you're a non alcoholic, that works, you're
non addict, that works. But if you can't not not
pick up, have a seat. You're one of us. But
you've got to be convinced to that. Then he goes on,
(17:47):
this doesn't sound like a direction at all. The first requirement,
you know what a requirement is that you're required to
do that. If you want this thing, if you want
this solution, you're required. First requirement is that you be
(18:07):
convinced that any life you're in charge of is going
to be a failure. That's not the exact words, the
exact word, that any life run on self will can
hardly be a success, which tells me that any life
that I'm on directing, any life that my will that
my thinking is directing, is gonna is doomed to failure.
(18:31):
That's and then he just goes on and he gives
the actor and director analogy. Right, he likes to use
those analogis right, that we are the actor who wants
to run the show. It's not our job. It's the
director's job to run the show. It's our job to
memorize our lines and do what the hell? He says,
(18:53):
But we want to run the show. But my thinking
is flawed. And what's this self wit he's talking about.
He doesn't really go into that in the big book.
But when you get into the fourth step in the
twelve and twelve, man does he go into it? Man,
he goes into it. He's talking about these instinctual drives,
(19:13):
what drives us, what drives us, and what principles are
behind what drives us. Now we're talking about a different
story here. Now we're not talking about mental and physical.
We're talking behavioral. Right, Now we're talking about them. Oh yeah,
we got this mental obsession and this physical allergy. But
(19:35):
why is it we can't stay stopped? What's going on
with you and me, and I can speak for myself.
What is going on internally that keeps me from staying stopped?
What is going on in my gut that at some
point says fuck it. Sorry, I had to get one,
(20:02):
but it's my favorite paragraph. We know what the consequences
are going to be. But I am in so much
pain emotionally. Forget the physical. Touch me, but don't hurt
my feelings. Stab me, but don't make me look stupid. Right,
And I'm serious. I'll take the physical pain anytime over
(20:26):
the emotional. Kill me, bitch, but don't leave, you know,
Or if you're leaving, shoot me first. You know what
I mean? Because I can't stand being, I can't stand
the loss. The emotions are just and I don't have
any other solution. I don't have any other solution. I mean,
(20:53):
I'll try, so I'll try spending some mind, going a
spending spree, going a sex free porne something, trying to
change the way I feel. But nothing works like alcohol
in any form, in any form. So I got to
do something about that, which means my behavior has to change.
(21:13):
So what the hell is driving that? Well? We have
these god given therefore good instinctual drives that make up
self will right, the need, the social instinct, the security instinct,
and sex instinct all necessary for our survival. Without the
social instinct, we don't come together, we don't work together.
(21:35):
There's nobody in charge, there's nobody doing the work, there's
nobody leading to work. Nothing gets done unless the social
instinct is satisfied. Unless we come together and work together,
just like this fellowship. That's what makes this thing work.
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A social instinct in the parameter is that God intended
them to be based on principles, based on principles. So
what happens then, Well, it feels good to satisfy the
social instinct, right, it's supposed to. That's why God makes
it feel good. So we'll do it. And I get you.
(22:22):
Everybody wants to be liked and accepted. Everybody wants to
be part of something or in charge of something, right,
I mean, we all want that. And when I get that,
I work for it. I sacrifice. I can't be an
idiot and you let me be part of something. I
can't be an a hale and then expect you to
include me in what you're doing. So maybe I create
this fake self, you knowstor pastor David CBG talks about
(22:50):
the first date self. You know, I create this first
date self, you know, and who shows up. It's not
really who I am. To be liked and accepted. I
might make up something that I do or that I'm
good at, or I might just to say yeah, me too.
I think I shared with you guys before. I heard
somebody once say they saw Eric Clapton. I said, yeah,
(23:11):
me too, and they said really, I said, yeah, I
never saw air Clapton, you know, but I knew that
I would be liked and accepting to be part of
the crew. And all of a sudden, I am, no kidding,
where'd you see him? Pittsburgh? When game somebody elseid I'm starting.
Their eyes started blowing, you know. They told him the date,
you know, and then I even told him what he
(23:33):
was wearing. And you know, he was drunk, and you know,
which wasn't a stretch at that time, you know, in
the seventies, you know, I told that life sober. I
mean I started when I was drinking. But even in recovery,
I told people I saw air Clapp. I finally did
(23:55):
see it. I didn't, Yeah, Eric, with their trucks, I
have witnesses. Pete was there, Pete was there. But I'll
do anything, say anything, be anything, buy you anything, to
be liked and accepted. And it's all about the dopamine, right,
(24:18):
It's all about to feel good. I feel good when
I get liked. So what happens, pat starts lying about
seeing Aeric Clapton, Path starts lying about his qualifications to
get a promotion at work. Path starts telling rumors about
this guy so I can get his job. And eventually
(24:38):
I put myself in conflict with everybody. They find me out,
they find out I'm a fraud, find out I didn't
see air Clapton because he wasn't in Pittsburgh on those dates.
Somebody freaking investigated this. My life run on self will
(25:00):
puts me in conflict with everybody eventually. And the materialist
thinks the same thing necessary for a survival, Right, we
need a roof over our head, we need to provide food,
we need to work, we need to make money. It's necessary,
and the society kind of tells us what it may.
What success looks like materially right, what you should be driving,
(25:23):
what watch you should have on your arm, what you
should look like. The billboards telling you this is the norm.
I don't look like any of those norms, telling you
here's what weight you should be, here's how tall you
should be. This is the clothes you should be wearing,
(25:45):
this is the watch you should have on, and this
is what you should drive. And that's what success looks like.
No idea. I had no idea that everything loses and shine.
Everything loses. It's never enough, never enough in it. But
it feels good. Like I got my first car. It
(26:07):
felt great. Sixty two Chevy bel Air in line sixty
two speed automatic. Yeah, man, I was in my glory
earl shy blue. If anybody knows what that is, you're
gonna be from up north. Probably that what was the
Who were the people down here that had the same
(26:28):
thing that you knew their colors when you saw there
was a never mind, I'm in my glory d I
mean it's sixty two Chevy thinking. Man, the girls are
gonna like this. Yeah. That was my whole goal in life,
by the way, get the right job, making up money,
(26:49):
get the right car, get the girl. That was the deal.
See like everybody had the re nice cars. We're getting
the girls. But then as soon as I see the
sixty two Chevy. We ain't getting the girls that the
gto is getting I had. I got rid of it.
(27:10):
I got rid of the car, got me a Galaxy
five hundred V eight. Put some headers on that thing.
Yet it loud. You know we're gonna like it now, Bud,
he's got a souped up Dodge Charger, pulls up the
(27:32):
girls jumping his car. Never enough, never enough. The joy
of getting the cars is great, but it's just temporary,
just temporary. It wasn't really about that. You know. I
want to be I want to be like somebody else.
Always wanted to be somebody else. I don't know why
(27:53):
what that is? I mean, what what is normal? I
was just didn't feel normal. You know. I went to
so many cars in my life, so many cars. I
was like, the Tempo story is my favorite. Right. I
finally got enough money and enough I saved up and
I got this opportunity to buy a new car. So
(28:15):
I go up the Wallace Forward in Delray, and I
know there's two salesmen. They're standing there and they go,
see this guy, We're gonna get rid of that Tempo
on the back lot that we've been trying to get
rid of right. They sold me a fully loaded Ford
Tempo right, and I was so happy with it. I mean,
I couldn't believe it. Power windows. I'm playing with them
(28:36):
on the way from Delray to North Lauder. I can't
wait to see my friends power see you know, I
mean ac you know, Oh my god, this is a bomb.
I get there and my buddy Well looks at the
at the car. He's just who the hell buys a
fully loaded for Tempo? You know that's an old man's car.
(29:02):
I liked that car for twenty freaking minutes. I got
rid of it. I got rid of it. I bought
a fore Runner. I bought a manly vehicle. What am
I supposed to have, Bault, What kind of car should
I have? Get a truck Ra, s UV something manly.
(29:25):
I drive a Tundra, now, big ass truck. It's intimidating.
Son of a bitch, gets gets me on a panther
games man. My wife calls me a road bully. Everything
loses it shine, everything loses its shink. I bought it.
(29:48):
I saved my whole life to get a house, to
buy a house in Coral Springs. You know it was
it was in the early eighties where you can put
five percent down, I come up with five songs. You know.
I worked my ass off and night, and it was
difficult because there was a cocaine habit attached to it.
(30:08):
And so when you're spending three hundred a day on cocaine,
it's hard to say five thousand dollars, you know. But
I was able to buy this house in Coral Springs.
I mean, my dream four bedroom too bad pool, you know. I,
Oh my god, I can't believe it. I'm a homeowner.
(30:32):
My brother bought a house four or five blocks away.
He's had vaulted ceilings. I got eight foot freaking ceilings
in my house. Walk in his house is it's so
much nicer than mine, you know. I I was happy
for that house for about two months. Never enough, it's
never enough. It's never the right house. It's never the
right car, never the right job. You know, if you're
(30:58):
on you're like third or fourth, it's not them. If
you're on your third or fourth marriage, it's not them.
Three DUIs. It ain't bad luck have us see, you know,
But that's that self will run riot. That's what they're
(31:20):
talking about. Me in charge of my life. That's how
it works. Never enough, never enough. One car to the
next car, to the next car, one house to the
next house, to the next house. And then's the sex instinct.
There's the drug. There's the driving force behind all of it,
(31:45):
behind the job, the car, the house, there's the driving force.
I put my first date self on there, and I
get that relationship together, and we finally consummate that relationship
and it's the greatest feeling in the world. Never enough,
Why is there? Never enough? I get hulked on the dopamine.
(32:07):
I get hooked on the pleasure, and I become a
pleasure seeker. And that even loses its shine, That even
loses its shine. And I'll tell you why it does
because I don't shine it right, because I don't cultivate it,
because I'm a taker. What's in it for me? How
(32:28):
much is mine? Why not? Now? Why not more? And
so even though I in this relationship that is that
should be satisfactory, I start looking outside the relationship for more.
For difference, I have blown up. I have blown up
(32:50):
beautiful relationships. Wait a minute, a girl, I should have
just actually made an amends to my first date ever,
my first everything ever I'm talking from the seventies was
able to make an immense reason because she just came
out of nor on social media. Should have married her,
(33:13):
should have married her. But I couldn't not seek more.
I couldn't. There was enough, but I suffer from more.
And it just drove me. It just blew up almost
every relationship I've ever been in. It's clear that a
(33:34):
life that I'm in charge of that self will, a
life run on my self will can hardly be a
success on that basis. On my basi, on my basis
of running my life, I am in collision with everybody
and everything. That behavior creates what we're going to talk
about next week, this spiritual malady, It creates this internal condition.
(34:00):
We can label it guilt, remorse, shame, anger, fear, we
can put all condad anxiety, we can label it whenever
you want. But that gets so intense that I go
back to my favorite paragraph and say, effort, effort, I
can't stand away. I feel for one more second, and
(34:21):
I'm blaming you. I'm blaming them. They just don't understand
one little mistake. Yeah, no, past there was four. The
book describes the real problem. It tells me what's really
killing me. It says that I am selfish, I am
(34:44):
self centered. I'm a self seeker, driven by fear, self delusion,
self pity, hundred forms of fear, hundred forms of few.
(35:06):
Unless I overcome that, unless I change that behavior, I
am doomed to an alcoholic death. And there's no way
of me doing it on my own. There's no way
of me reeling in those instincts without God's help. It
says we must have God's help or it will kill us.
(35:28):
Those are the words of the book. It will kill us.
That self will run riots where I love that line, right,
that's one of my favorites in the book too. How
many times have I said that? Right? We are extreme
examples of self will run riot. And do you know
what the next line is? Right? But we all think so? No,
(35:50):
I'm not. I'm a giver. No, No, I'm a victim
or he does not understand. Nobody understands me. Delusion, illusion, obsession, insanity,
(36:14):
that's what I'm insane. I'm insane, Like thinking is so flawed.
There's no principles in my life, no principles guiding my life.
My life is guided by pleasure. If it's pleasurable. I'm
going for it. I don't even think about the consequence
until later, orun till I'm facing them, and then I'm
(36:38):
so sorry. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I can't
believe I did it again, your honor, honey, believe me
this time. I was incapable, incapable of living a life
based on principles. And I could say spiritual principles, but
(37:04):
I think that's what we all know we're talking about,
right the God within, the part of you that knows that,
it knows that, it knows that part of you that
knows it's freaking wrong. But alcohol will justify it. Alcohol
give me the courage to walk through that that fear
(37:29):
part of us to the soul. There's a part of
me every time I did anything like that, knew it
was wrong, and I weighed pleasure or principles, and I
took pleasure every time over principles every time, and alcohol
give me absolution. Later on, alcohol drove me into it,
said go for it. It's gonna be okay. And we
(37:51):
came to the other side, and the facing the divorce,
or facing the charges, or face it separation. Alcohol would
give me absolution after him here's the third step. The
third step prayer validates this. This is the how why
(38:14):
of it. First of all, we had to quit playing
God it didn't work. Next, we decided to hereafter in
this drama of life, God was going to be our director.
He is the principal. We are his agents. He is
the father, We are his children. Most good ideas are simple,
and this concept was the keystone of the new and
triumphant arch through which we were going to pass the freedom.
(38:37):
There's the third step. He is the principal. I am
the agent. He is the father. I am the child.
I need to live a life based on that, based
on principles, and the third step validates that. Am I
willing to do that? Are you willing to? Am I
(38:57):
willing to live a life based on spiritual principles? Am
I willing to live a life based on what is right?
Doing what is right for everybody, not just what makes
me feel good, but what is right for everybody. What's
right for my children, what's right for my wife, what's
right for my family, what's right for my employer, my
(39:21):
fellow workers, my co workers, what's right for everybody, not
just what feels good for me or what's in it
for me? Because that's all I ever asked, what's in
it for me? How much is mine? What about me?
Were telling me? I don't give that up. I am
doomed to an alcoholic death. And that's the decision we're making.
(39:45):
Are we going to seek this power? It's going to
guide my life based on principles. We'll talk more about
that next week, but let's close this meeting with the
third step prayer. How do you think, M God? I
offer myself to THEE to build with me and to
(40:05):
do with me as Thy will believe me in the
bondage of self, that I may better do. Thy will
take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help. Of thy power, thy love,
and thy way of life. May I do thy will
always
I recovered alcoholic. My name is tot Rogan. Thanks to
the twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, outlined in this Big
Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the program of AA,
I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind
and body. And I get emotional every time I say that.
I just can't even express how grateful I am to
(00:22):
this program and this fellowship that has really you know,
I used to get so pissed off when I would
hear this giving me a life beyond my waller streets,
and I never forgot. I was so mad at that
guy when I would hear him every night introduce himself
saying that, and I'd say, do you know where you are?
You're in AA. Nobody wants to be here. We all
(00:46):
end up here. Nobody wants to be here. God, I
want to be here. I mean, this is my favorite
place to be and this is one of my favorite
rooms to be in. I mean, I just love it here.
I loved to hear and the one on one club, No,
I like. I like ghetto, a man, That's that's what
(01:06):
you know what I mean? I don't want to be
in Boco, you know what I mean? I want to.
I want to be in Fort Lauderdale on the hood,
you know by the tracks that's right, that's where the
one on one is too. Uh. Welcome back case, Good
(01:27):
to see you, my friend. Yeah, glad you made it back.
You know, buried, Well, we're gonna bury a form response
hee uh next week. We found him dead yesterday. That's
(01:50):
what happens here. You know. If you stay along here,
I mean, get a black suit if you're gonna hang around.
I'm just saying it's the miracles that take place in
this room are awesome, but the tragedies that we see
here sad. It's sad because we have the answer. We
(02:15):
do have the answer here, but it's for those who
want it, not for those who need it, right. I Mean,
an old friend of mine used to say, if it
was for people who needed it, we'd be at Joe
Robbie Stadium having a meeting right now. There'd be seventy
freaking thousand people there, you know. But it's for people
who want it, and that's why our success rates are
in the single digits, you know, because not everybody, not
(02:38):
everybody takes that leap of faith that we talked about
last week and just trust us, man, just trust us.
You know that this this shit can work, man, it
can work for you. So I, uh, I'm gonna do
something different tonight. I'm just gonna read this one. I'm
(02:58):
not reading. This is what I do. I make plans
during the day of what I'm gonna talk about, and
then all that shit goes out the window halfway here.
And because I was listening to how it works, and
we spent two and a half weeks on the first
two steps, so I was listening to how it works,
which ends up at the first two steps, and I thought,
(03:21):
what an inconsistency. That is what we kind of read,
you know. And I'm not putting it down. I'm just
saying it's inconsistent with the rest of the book. Right
it says it sounds like a set of suggestions. Right
here are the steps we took what your suggesting as
a program of recovery. It almost sounds like take it
or leave it, you know. And I've heard that crap
(03:45):
in the rooms where take what you want and leave
the rest. No, No, there's the wording of the big
book starts out with We're gonna tell you precisely what
we did, you know, and we're gonna tell you specific
We're gonna answer questions that you have specifically. Then we're
gonna give you some clear cut directions. We're gonna tell
(04:07):
you that lack of power that was our dilemma, and
we're gonna tell you exactly how to find that power
that's going to solve your problem. Those are the words
that that Bill uses, you know, precise, specific, exactly clear
cut directions on how to find this power greater than yourself.
And then we hear like a set of suggestions. So
(04:29):
what's what's wild is that wasn't what Bill originally wrote.
You know, that wasn't how it works that was originally written.
Bill struggled with it, and we always talked about there
was this six step program. There's no proof that there
was ever any six step program in the early days
of AA. We see the tenants that Bill pulled out
of the twenty eight tenants of the Oxford Groups in
(04:51):
the forward to the second edition, which by the way,
is written in fifty five, right in the late forties,
early fifties, you know, which he talks about surrender and
inventory and confession and restitution and helpfulness to others and
a belief in the dependence upon God, right, and you
could probably equate that to some kind of a six
step program. The only time you ever see the six
(05:13):
steps mentioned or written is in AA Comes of Age,
was written in the late forties, and in Earl Truth
Story in He Sold Himself Short in the back of
the book on page two sixty three. You see the
sixth step program there. But there's nowhere in any of
the stories other than Earl Story. Nowhere in any of
the first and second edition stories, the older stories do
(05:38):
you see the six step program mentioned. What you do
here and see is what the Oxford groups were using
in Ohio. The four absolutes right, absolute, honesty, unselfish, dis
purity and love. And I love this because we're going
to be talking about this in a minute, if I
ever get there, plan on it there. We're going to
(06:01):
talk about the third step in a minute, right, And
it says any behavior could be judged on how well
it is adhere to these principles, right, because we're going
to be talking about principles in the third step, right,
and what guiding principles are we going to live our
life so that we are conflict free? Right? So they
(06:24):
were using the four absolute, and they were using these
five seas conviction, confession, contrition, conversion, and continuance. And this
was continued in uh mostly in Ohio for many years,
even after the Big Book was written. And then the
five procedures give it one, give it to God, to
listen to God's direction, three check guidance, four restitution, and
(06:49):
five sharing for witness and for confession. This is what
they were using before Bill wrote how it works. And
then we know that he struggled with it. He tells
us he struggled with it. He used to get these
imaginary ulcers when he was doing the writing and fall
into these depressions mostly when he was doing the writings.
(07:09):
I mean, if he read some of his history, it's amazing.
As broken as he was, but he was able to
accomplish in this program, in this program right here. It
just I have so much respect for him, and you could,
you know, I hate anybody that tries to find the
flaws and Bill, because maybe it's time to look in
(07:29):
the mirror, you know, because we're all broken. We're just
all broken different, you know. So I'm not judging him,
and I'm not judging anybody that's sitting in this room.
You know, I'm as broken as anybody's sitting in this room.
So what I wanted to read tonight, which is that's
something I've never done in a step series, is the
original how it works that he read that he wrote,
and you'll see the inconsistency that I'm talking about, right, says,
(07:53):
rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly
followed our directions. That's how he starts it out. Those
who do not recover, people cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program. Usually men and women
who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They
are such unfortunates. They're not at fault. They seem to
have been born that way. They're naturally incapable of grasping
(08:14):
and developing a way of life which demands rigorous honesty.
Their chances are less than average. There are those two
suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of
them do recovery if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our story is to disclose in a general way, what
we used to be like, what happened, and what we're
like now. If you decided you want what we have
and you're willing to go to any length to get it.
Then you're ready to follow directions, and some of these
(08:37):
you may balk. You may think you can find an easier,
softer way. We doubt if you can. With all the
earnest just at our command we beg of, you'll be
a fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of
us have tried to hold on to our old ideas,
and the result was nil until we let go. Absolutely,
remember that you're dealing with alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful.
Without help, it is too much for you. But there
(08:59):
is one who has all power. That one is God.
You must find him now, have measures will avail you nothing.
You stand at the turning point, throw yourself under his
protection and care of a complete abandon Now we think
you can take it. Here are the steps we took,
which are suggested as a program of recovery. Right admitted
(09:19):
we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity. Three made a decision to
turn our will and our lives over the care and
direction of God as we understood him. Four made a
searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five admitted to God,
to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature
of our loves. Six were entirely willing that God remove
(09:42):
all these defects of character. Seven, humbly on our knees,
asked Him to remove our shortcomings, holding nothing back. Eight
made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make a complete amends to them all.
Nine made direct amends to such people wherever possible, accept
when the deece who will injure them or others. Ten
continue to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong,
(10:03):
promptly admitted it. Eleven sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our contact with God, praying only for knowledge of
His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Twelve having had a spiritual experience as a result of
this course of action, we tried to carry this vestry
to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in
all our affairs. You may exclaim what in order I
(10:25):
can't go through with it, Do not be discouraged. None
of us have been able to maintain anything like perfect
adherents to these principles. We are not saints. The point
is that we are willing to grow along with spiritual lines.
The principles we have set down our guides to progress.
We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Our description
of the Alcoholic, the chapter of the Agnostic, and our
(10:47):
personal adventures before and after have been designed to sell
you three pertinent ideas builds a salesman. A that you
were alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. Be that
probably knows human power can relieve your alcoholism. See that
God can and will. If you are not convinced of
these vital issues, you ought to reread the book to
(11:08):
this point or else throw it away. This is what
he claims was divinely inspired. Right after a long period
of meditation. He felt as if God grabbed a pen
and guided it onto the paper. It was the biggest,
(11:30):
one of the biggest controversies in the writing of the
Big Book, right because you've got the Midwest who want
more God, there's not enough God in their bill, and
you've got the Northeasters saying you got to get the
God out of it. You know, we cannot have God
in it. I mean this is you know we get
this argument that goes on, and it stops the writing
(11:50):
of the big book for a while. A doctor Howard,
a psychiatrist, friend of the of the program. And if
you if you ever read the book that started at all,
the big red one that's out there, his name is
all over it. He did a lot of editing in it.
And Howard mediates this battle between New York and Cleveland
(12:10):
and Akron, you know, and tells Bill, look, Bill, you
can't tell an alcoholic that they must do anything. They
will not listen to it. And maybe you should say
we instead of you. And you can't get them on
their knees, you know, we got people coming in here.
They just don't get on their knees. You got to
take that out of there. And maybe you shouldn't tell
(12:32):
them to throw the book away. Directions, you know, people
don't like directions. Must must tell them it, must do it.
Bill conceives eventually, and that's what we end up with
the how it works that we see today. Now. I
believe this whole program was divinely inspired. It ended up
(12:55):
just the way it was supposed to, you know, But
I don't know. I mean, we could ask ourselves instead
of two million, and globally, would we have ten million
if we left it the way Bill had it, or
instead of two million, would we have one hundred two
hundred thousand? You know, I don't know. You know, I'm
not that smart, but I think did it ended up
just the way it was supposed to end up, you know,
(13:16):
to reel everybody in, to be all inclusive. And the
reason why Bill wanted to get away from the absolutes
and the convictions and the procedures is because he wanted
this open for everybody. He didn't want to restrict this
to Christians or any particular denomination. He wanted everybody that
walked in here to be able to find this power
(13:38):
greater than themselves. That would solve your problem. Right. But
that lands us where we are right So let's say
how it works. Kind of sounds like a set of suggestions.
And then he lands where we are right now on
the second two steps. The ABC's are the first two steps,
and then it says right after that, being convinced, being convinced,
(14:04):
we are at step three, convinced of what being convinced
that you're powerless, that you cannot stay stopped on your
own no human power will keep you stopped, and only
a power greater than human power will solve the problem.
That's a requirement. Those two steps are a requirement for
(14:27):
recovery in any of the a's right in AA. That's
those are requires, and there's no requirements for membership. Anybody
can be here. I mean require one requirement, right, a
desire to stop drinking. Right, And we can't even prove that.
We're not allowed to. We're not allowed to interrogate you
on that. Let's see if you really mean it. But
(14:54):
if you want recovery, there's two requirements. This is where
I stop anybody that I'm sponsoring. We're not moving on
unless you're convinced. Why would we what's the sense if
you still think you can will yourself sober, If you
still think your children or your spouse, or your parent
(15:14):
or a judge is going to keep you stopped, have
at it? Why be here? There's pretty women here, I
get it, and the coffee's okay, yeah, But why would you?
Why would you devote your life to this unless you
had to? So I want to hear yes, I am convinced,
(15:37):
and then we're ready to go on with the third step,
And we're ready to go on with the third step.
And what's that mean? That means you're going to turn
your will you're thinking. That means you're going to turn
your thinking and your life over to the care of
God as you understand him. Whatever you think that is,
that's the beauty. Whatever you think God is, That's what
(15:59):
I'm talking about. That's what this book is talking about,
creative intelligence, spirit of universe energy, Jesus Muhammed Allah. I
don't care. Nobody cares here. It just can't be human
and it has to be a power greater than yourself.
(16:20):
You gotta be convinced of that. And that's what we're
gonna do. We're gonna turn our will and our life
over the care of God. If I can turn my
thinking over the care of God, my actions would change
and then my life would change into and result of that.
Here's the problem with pat My thinking all turns to
an emotion. All my thinking goes to my gut, and
(16:40):
then my emotions dictate my next behavior, which is usually
based on a lie which is usually not true. So
somehow I've got to change this. The main problem of
the alcoholic who has talked about with centers in the
mind not the body, the mind that says it's okay
to drink, not the body that keeps convincing us it's not.
(17:05):
We know that we have an abnormal reactor. If you're
convinced of the first two steps, then you're convinced that
you suffer from an abnormal reaction to any mind or
mood alterned substance that once you put that substance in
your body, you're off to the races. You got to
be convinced of that. That's step one. So just don't
(17:25):
pick up. If you're a non alcoholic, that works, you're
non addict, that works. But if you can't not not
pick up, have a seat. You're one of us. But
you've got to be convinced to that. Then he goes on,
(17:47):
this doesn't sound like a direction at all. The first requirement,
you know what a requirement is that you're required to
do that. If you want this thing, if you want
this solution, you're required. First requirement is that you be
(18:07):
convinced that any life you're in charge of is going
to be a failure. That's not the exact words, the
exact word, that any life run on self will can
hardly be a success, which tells me that any life
that I'm on directing, any life that my will that
my thinking is directing, is gonna is doomed to failure.
(18:31):
That's and then he just goes on and he gives
the actor and director analogy. Right, he likes to use
those analogis right, that we are the actor who wants
to run the show. It's not our job. It's the
director's job to run the show. It's our job to
memorize our lines and do what the hell? He says,
(18:53):
But we want to run the show. But my thinking
is flawed. And what's this self wit he's talking about.
He doesn't really go into that in the big book.
But when you get into the fourth step in the
twelve and twelve, man does he go into it? Man,
he goes into it. He's talking about these instinctual drives,
(19:13):
what drives us, what drives us, and what principles are
behind what drives us. Now we're talking about a different
story here. Now we're not talking about mental and physical.
We're talking behavioral. Right, Now we're talking about them. Oh yeah,
we got this mental obsession and this physical allergy. But
(19:35):
why is it we can't stay stopped? What's going on
with you and me, and I can speak for myself.
What is going on internally that keeps me from staying stopped?
What is going on in my gut that at some
point says fuck it. Sorry, I had to get one,
(20:02):
but it's my favorite paragraph. We know what the consequences
are going to be. But I am in so much
pain emotionally. Forget the physical. Touch me, but don't hurt
my feelings. Stab me, but don't make me look stupid. Right,
And I'm serious. I'll take the physical pain anytime over
(20:26):
the emotional. Kill me, bitch, but don't leave, you know,
Or if you're leaving, shoot me first. You know what
I mean? Because I can't stand being, I can't stand
the loss. The emotions are just and I don't have
any other solution. I don't have any other solution. I mean,
(20:53):
I'll try, so I'll try spending some mind, going a
spending spree, going a sex free porne something, trying to
change the way I feel. But nothing works like alcohol
in any form, in any form. So I got to
do something about that, which means my behavior has to change.
(21:13):
So what the hell is driving that? Well? We have
these god given therefore good instinctual drives that make up
self will right, the need, the social instinct, the security instinct,
and sex instinct all necessary for our survival. Without the
social instinct, we don't come together, we don't work together.
(21:35):
There's nobody in charge, there's nobody doing the work, there's
nobody leading to work. Nothing gets done unless the social
instinct is satisfied. Unless we come together and work together,
just like this fellowship. That's what makes this thing work.
(21:57):
A social instinct in the parameter is that God intended
them to be based on principles, based on principles. So
what happens then, Well, it feels good to satisfy the
social instinct, right, it's supposed to. That's why God makes
it feel good. So we'll do it. And I get you.
(22:22):
Everybody wants to be liked and accepted. Everybody wants to
be part of something or in charge of something, right,
I mean, we all want that. And when I get that,
I work for it. I sacrifice. I can't be an
idiot and you let me be part of something. I
can't be an a hale and then expect you to
include me in what you're doing. So maybe I create
this fake self, you knowstor pastor David CBG talks about
(22:50):
the first date self. You know, I create this first
date self, you know, and who shows up. It's not
really who I am. To be liked and accepted. I
might make up something that I do or that I'm
good at, or I might just to say yeah, me too.
I think I shared with you guys before. I heard
somebody once say they saw Eric Clapton. I said, yeah,
(23:11):
me too, and they said really, I said, yeah, I
never saw air Clapton, you know, but I knew that
I would be liked and accepting to be part of
the crew. And all of a sudden, I am, no kidding,
where'd you see him? Pittsburgh? When game somebody elseid I'm starting.
Their eyes started blowing, you know. They told him the date,
you know, and then I even told him what he
(23:33):
was wearing. And you know, he was drunk, and you know,
which wasn't a stretch at that time, you know, in
the seventies, you know, I told that life sober. I
mean I started when I was drinking. But even in recovery,
I told people I saw air Clapp. I finally did
(23:55):
see it. I didn't, Yeah, Eric, with their trucks, I
have witnesses. Pete was there, Pete was there. But I'll
do anything, say anything, be anything, buy you anything, to
be liked and accepted. And it's all about the dopamine, right,
(24:18):
It's all about to feel good. I feel good when
I get liked. So what happens, pat starts lying about
seeing Aeric Clapton, Path starts lying about his qualifications to
get a promotion at work. Path starts telling rumors about
this guy so I can get his job. And eventually
(24:38):
I put myself in conflict with everybody. They find me out,
they find out I'm a fraud, find out I didn't
see air Clapton because he wasn't in Pittsburgh on those dates.
Somebody freaking investigated this. My life run on self will
(25:00):
puts me in conflict with everybody eventually. And the materialist
thinks the same thing necessary for a survival, Right, we
need a roof over our head, we need to provide food,
we need to work, we need to make money. It's necessary,
and the society kind of tells us what it may.
What success looks like materially right, what you should be driving,
(25:23):
what watch you should have on your arm, what you
should look like. The billboards telling you this is the norm.
I don't look like any of those norms, telling you
here's what weight you should be, here's how tall you
should be. This is the clothes you should be wearing,
(25:45):
this is the watch you should have on, and this
is what you should drive. And that's what success looks like.
No idea. I had no idea that everything loses and shine.
Everything loses. It's never enough, never enough in it. But
it feels good. Like I got my first car. It
(26:07):
felt great. Sixty two Chevy bel Air in line sixty
two speed automatic. Yeah, man, I was in my glory
earl shy blue. If anybody knows what that is, you're
gonna be from up north. Probably that what was the
Who were the people down here that had the same
(26:28):
thing that you knew their colors when you saw there
was a never mind, I'm in my glory d I
mean it's sixty two Chevy thinking. Man, the girls are
gonna like this. Yeah. That was my whole goal in life,
by the way, get the right job, making up money,
(26:49):
get the right car, get the girl. That was the deal.
See like everybody had the re nice cars. We're getting
the girls. But then as soon as I see the
sixty two Chevy. We ain't getting the girls that the
gto is getting I had. I got rid of it.
(27:10):
I got rid of the car, got me a Galaxy
five hundred V eight. Put some headers on that thing.
Yet it loud. You know we're gonna like it now, Bud,
he's got a souped up Dodge Charger, pulls up the
(27:32):
girls jumping his car. Never enough, never enough. The joy
of getting the cars is great, but it's just temporary,
just temporary. It wasn't really about that. You know. I
want to be I want to be like somebody else.
Always wanted to be somebody else. I don't know why
(27:53):
what that is? I mean, what what is normal? I
was just didn't feel normal. You know. I went to
so many cars in my life, so many cars. I
was like, the Tempo story is my favorite. Right. I
finally got enough money and enough I saved up and
I got this opportunity to buy a new car. So
(28:15):
I go up the Wallace Forward in Delray, and I
know there's two salesmen. They're standing there and they go,
see this guy, We're gonna get rid of that Tempo
on the back lot that we've been trying to get
rid of right. They sold me a fully loaded Ford
Tempo right, and I was so happy with it. I mean,
I couldn't believe it. Power windows. I'm playing with them
(28:36):
on the way from Delray to North Lauder. I can't
wait to see my friends power see you know, I
mean ac you know, Oh my god, this is a bomb.
I get there and my buddy Well looks at the
at the car. He's just who the hell buys a
fully loaded for Tempo? You know that's an old man's car.
(29:02):
I liked that car for twenty freaking minutes. I got
rid of it. I got rid of it. I bought
a fore Runner. I bought a manly vehicle. What am
I supposed to have, Bault, What kind of car should
I have? Get a truck Ra, s UV something manly.
(29:25):
I drive a Tundra, now, big ass truck. It's intimidating.
Son of a bitch, gets gets me on a panther
games man. My wife calls me a road bully. Everything
loses it shine, everything loses its shink. I bought it.
(29:48):
I saved my whole life to get a house, to
buy a house in Coral Springs. You know it was
it was in the early eighties where you can put
five percent down, I come up with five songs. You know.
I worked my ass off and night, and it was
difficult because there was a cocaine habit attached to it.
(30:08):
And so when you're spending three hundred a day on cocaine,
it's hard to say five thousand dollars, you know. But
I was able to buy this house in Coral Springs.
I mean, my dream four bedroom too bad pool, you know. I,
Oh my god, I can't believe it. I'm a homeowner.
(30:32):
My brother bought a house four or five blocks away.
He's had vaulted ceilings. I got eight foot freaking ceilings
in my house. Walk in his house is it's so
much nicer than mine, you know. I I was happy
for that house for about two months. Never enough, it's
never enough. It's never the right house. It's never the
right car, never the right job. You know, if you're
(30:58):
on you're like third or fourth, it's not them. If
you're on your third or fourth marriage, it's not them.
Three DUIs. It ain't bad luck have us see, you know,
But that's that self will run riot. That's what they're
(31:20):
talking about. Me in charge of my life. That's how
it works. Never enough, never enough. One car to the
next car, to the next car, one house to the
next house, to the next house. And then's the sex instinct.
There's the drug. There's the driving force behind all of it,
(31:45):
behind the job, the car, the house, there's the driving force.
I put my first date self on there, and I
get that relationship together, and we finally consummate that relationship
and it's the greatest feeling in the world. Never enough,
Why is there? Never enough? I get hulked on the dopamine.
(32:07):
I get hooked on the pleasure, and I become a
pleasure seeker. And that even loses its shine, That even
loses its shine. And I'll tell you why it does
because I don't shine it right, because I don't cultivate it,
because I'm a taker. What's in it for me? How
(32:28):
much is mine? Why not? Now? Why not more? And
so even though I in this relationship that is that
should be satisfactory, I start looking outside the relationship for more.
For difference, I have blown up. I have blown up
(32:50):
beautiful relationships. Wait a minute, a girl, I should have
just actually made an amends to my first date ever,
my first everything ever I'm talking from the seventies was
able to make an immense reason because she just came
out of nor on social media. Should have married her,
(33:13):
should have married her. But I couldn't not seek more.
I couldn't. There was enough, but I suffer from more.
And it just drove me. It just blew up almost
every relationship I've ever been in. It's clear that a
(33:34):
life that I'm in charge of that self will, a
life run on my self will can hardly be a
success on that basis. On my basi, on my basis
of running my life, I am in collision with everybody
and everything. That behavior creates what we're going to talk
about next week, this spiritual malady, It creates this internal condition.
(34:00):
We can label it guilt, remorse, shame, anger, fear, we
can put all condad anxiety, we can label it whenever
you want. But that gets so intense that I go
back to my favorite paragraph and say, effort, effort, I
can't stand away. I feel for one more second, and
(34:21):
I'm blaming you. I'm blaming them. They just don't understand
one little mistake. Yeah, no, past there was four. The
book describes the real problem. It tells me what's really
killing me. It says that I am selfish, I am
(34:44):
self centered. I'm a self seeker, driven by fear, self delusion,
self pity, hundred forms of fear, hundred forms of few.
(35:06):
Unless I overcome that, unless I change that behavior, I
am doomed to an alcoholic death. And there's no way
of me doing it on my own. There's no way
of me reeling in those instincts without God's help. It
says we must have God's help or it will kill us.
(35:28):
Those are the words of the book. It will kill us.
That self will run riots where I love that line, right,
that's one of my favorites in the book too. How
many times have I said that? Right? We are extreme
examples of self will run riot. And do you know
what the next line is? Right? But we all think so? No,
(35:50):
I'm not. I'm a giver. No, No, I'm a victim
or he does not understand. Nobody understands me. Delusion, illusion, obsession, insanity,
(36:14):
that's what I'm insane. I'm insane, Like thinking is so flawed.
There's no principles in my life, no principles guiding my life.
My life is guided by pleasure. If it's pleasurable. I'm
going for it. I don't even think about the consequence
until later, orun till I'm facing them, and then I'm
(36:38):
so sorry. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I can't
believe I did it again, your honor, honey, believe me
this time. I was incapable, incapable of living a life
based on principles. And I could say spiritual principles, but
(37:04):
I think that's what we all know we're talking about,
right the God within, the part of you that knows that,
it knows that, it knows that part of you that
knows it's freaking wrong. But alcohol will justify it. Alcohol
give me the courage to walk through that that fear
(37:29):
part of us to the soul. There's a part of
me every time I did anything like that, knew it
was wrong, and I weighed pleasure or principles, and I
took pleasure every time over principles every time, and alcohol
give me absolution. Later on, alcohol drove me into it,
said go for it. It's gonna be okay. And we
(37:51):
came to the other side, and the facing the divorce,
or facing the charges, or face it separation. Alcohol would
give me absolution after him here's the third step. The
third step prayer validates this. This is the how why
(38:14):
of it. First of all, we had to quit playing
God it didn't work. Next, we decided to hereafter in
this drama of life, God was going to be our director.
He is the principal. We are his agents. He is
the father, We are his children. Most good ideas are simple,
and this concept was the keystone of the new and
triumphant arch through which we were going to pass the freedom.
(38:37):
There's the third step. He is the principal. I am
the agent. He is the father. I am the child.
I need to live a life based on that, based
on principles, and the third step validates that. Am I
willing to do that? Are you willing to? Am I
(38:57):
willing to live a life based on spiritual principles? Am
I willing to live a life based on what is right?
Doing what is right for everybody, not just what makes
me feel good, but what is right for everybody. What's
right for my children, what's right for my wife, what's
right for my family, what's right for my employer, my
(39:21):
fellow workers, my co workers, what's right for everybody, not
just what feels good for me or what's in it
for me? Because that's all I ever asked, what's in
it for me? How much is mine? What about me?
Were telling me? I don't give that up. I am
doomed to an alcoholic death. And that's the decision we're making.
(39:45):
Are we going to seek this power? It's going to
guide my life based on principles. We'll talk more about
that next week, but let's close this meeting with the
third step prayer. How do you think, M God? I
offer myself to THEE to build with me and to
(40:05):
do with me as Thy will believe me in the
bondage of self, that I may better do. Thy will
take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear
witness to those I would help. Of thy power, thy love,
and thy way of life. May I do thy will
always
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