Russell S. at 84th Annual Buffalo N.Y. AA Convention - 10/24/2025

Russell S. at the 84th Annual Buffalo AA Convention, Friday Night Speaker, Buffalo N.Y. October 24, 2025.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is Russell Spats. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a
member of the South Dixie Group from Miami, Florida, actually
a South Dixie Zoom group from Miami, Florida. I go
to a lot of Zoom meetings. I also go to
a lot of regular meetings. Also do a lot of
other things that I may or may not go into.
And it's good to be here. I'm in my forty
fifth year of sobriety, and let me see, uh, and

(00:27):
I haven't found necessarily have a drink, nor have I
had a drink since January twenty fifth, nineteen eighty one.
So it's good to be here. It's a privilege to
be here. I was saying, eighty four annual whatever it
is like started right when, right before the Big Book
was written or something. I don't know what was going
on here. It's a long time ago. So it's good
to be here. And so I always have this question

(00:47):
in my mind. Unfortunately few the question has been resolved. Well,
by the way, You've cleared up a mystery, because whenever
I'm invited to do one of these things, I was,
by the way, I was just a Montreal all doing
a thing for them. And I caught a cold. So
if I cough and hack or something like that, that said, yeah,
that's the deal. So I thought it would be done

(01:10):
by now. But I'm Suppo's go to Winnipeg in two months.
So I called him up on the phone. I said, so,
what's the weather like there? And he said, he says
the high you know, I mean, what's He says? Zero?
I said, I said, no, you don't understand I I
was asking about the weather. Could you give me a number?
He says, zero, fifteen below to zero. I said something,

(01:33):
I'm looking for something down south. I don't. So whenever
I get called to do something like this, I always
assume that the reason I'm being called is because they
actually have not listened to the tapes, you know what
I mean. So I'm glad you cleared that up. But
uh so, I'm gonna tell you a few things. And
I've been around for a little while and I've learned

(01:53):
a few things. You know. It's like that Farmer's commercial.
You have that Farmer's commercial here with the ball guy,
you know, he says, he says, we know if you've
we've learned a few things. So we know a few
things or something like that. So I've learned a few
things in the last forty five years. And my lovely
wife is here there. She is that gorgeous lady. You know,
can you stand up please, I'm doing this. She's a

(02:15):
member of our Ladies of Perpetual Revenge alan On, you know,
she who must be obeyed, and I want to make
sure she hears everything that's going on so she can
critique me. It looks like I'm asking her to retake
critique me, but she's gonna critique me no matter what.
You know. I just want you to know that I'm
gonna I'm gonna do something wrong. It's okay, I'm prepared.

(02:38):
I know how to say you're right, and that's it.
That's that's the end of that conversation. So my sponsors said,
don't make any major moves during your first year of sobriety.
So we got married after I had three months, and
now we have four kids and eight grandkids. It's too late.
Now what can I say? It's all over. So I'm
gonna I'm gonna say so I was gonna do yeah,

(03:01):
one of the things that I haven't yeah, because I'm
an alcoholic. You understand if you don't think, so you'll
learn a little bit more about me, is you know?
So I always have this thing in my mind, this
little thing in my mind. It used to be a
big thing. Now it's a microscopic thing. Do I tell
them what I think they want to hear so that
they'll like me, or do I tell them the truth?

(03:27):
So you know that promising book and says fear of
people and of economic and security will leave you. I'm
not scared anymore of y'all. So you'll probably get the truth.
I don't know whether you get the entire whole truth,
you know what I mean, Because I'm mindful. You don't
know me, and I am an acquired taste, you know

(03:50):
what I mean. But uh, but I'm gonna I would
feel not good about myself if I if I lied
or didn't tell you the truth about some things which
could possibly save your life, because I was worried about
what you might think about me, because that would be selfish.

(04:10):
So because once when you're in for about forty years,
forty five years, what you see is you see the
thousands and gazillions of people like a works so well
you know, and this you go to conventions five convention.
You see fifty thousand people say, Man, this thing really works.
You get a new you get a new perspective. Get

(04:34):
you now, we get different perspectives by repeated humiliations in
the final crushing of our self sufficiency. And I hit
a hard bottom. But you want to know something, You
get to hit mini bottoms and micro bottoms all along
the way. God isn't done with me, you know. And
somehow this is sort of like when they get a

(04:55):
shot from learning about life and about who you are.
Is like going to doctor where he says he takes
out the need. He says, you're going to feel the
pinch and then the medicine. And you know, the way
this thing works is you're going to feel the pinch.
You're gonna have some things happen to you. So I'm
gonna just talk about a couple of things. I was
going to do my speech, my world famous speech I

(05:17):
might say on humility, but unfortunately I never do it
with a crowd this small. So it pass on that.
It's just the way it is. I'm sorry, just the
way I it's the rules, you know. So I, by
the way, I almost bought just just just happened the

(05:38):
other day. So I think the Lord wants me to
tell you I almost bought an alcoholic dog, an Alki dog.
It was unbelievable. I don't know whether you aed you
guys own an Alki dog. I almost got. It was like,
you know, when these things cut pop up in my life,
I said, I must have to talk about. Oh, thank you, God,
bless you. I appreciate it. So so I was riding
down the street and I mean not far from my

(06:00):
house in Palmeto Bay, and there's this guy sitting there
with a sign talking dog ten dollars. I'm not kidding you.
You know what I mean. I mean, I don't know
what you would have done. But I stopped the car.
I mean, I mean, we have a dog, but we
don't have a talking dog. And I thought it was
a bunch of crap, and you know what I mean.
But I stopped there and I said, you got a

(06:21):
dog back there? He says yeah. He says yeah. His
name's Max. He said, I said, he's he's he's a
talking dog. He says, yeah, he talks. I said, can
I can I see him? Can I talk to him?
He says yeah, he's in the back, just going back
he's a little cage back there. It's like walk back
and there's this little mongol sort of like old dog
sitting in the back. And I walk up to him and, Uh,

(06:43):
you're just sort of sitting there lying there. You must
be like old dog, you know, he says. So I said,
are you Are you talking to your Max the talking dog?
He says, yeah, I'm Max, he said, I him laugh.
I want to tell you something. Didn't laugh at all,
you know, it seems funny now. So I said, you talk?

(07:05):
He said, I talk. I've been talking ever since I'm
a pup. And I said, this is like amazing. He says, yeah.
He said, So what's your story? He says, well, he says,
I started off working for really military intelligence and I
was stationed in I had a handler in Moscow and
I what happened was my my my owner at that time,

(07:28):
was a member of the polit bureau whatever the deal
is over there, and he used to go to all
the meetings and nobody ever mind in the Kremlin, nobody
in mind because I'm a dog, you know. And then
I would go back and I'd be debriefed by my handler.
And I did that for about ten years, working in
Moscow and then they brought me back home. And and
when he brought back home, I went to work privately

(07:48):
for like Monsanto, doing industrial espionage. And they he had
another guy who worked for Monsanto, and they brought worked
for Dow and he would bring him into the Dow
stuff and three m and they report back. He did
that for ten years. And he says, and now I'm retired.
I don't do I said. I said, it's amazing. You're

(08:08):
going to do a movie. He says, yeah, they're going
to do a movie. And uh, and uh, you know
I've been talking to Steve Spielberg and all this stuff.
They're going to do a movie on this deal and
uh and so it is, it's it's it's And now
I'm just you know, I'm just relaxing and everything. And
I'm retired, and that's the deal. I says, Well, you
know I would I stopped because I told you. I

(08:31):
told your owner that, you know, I have a house
right down the street. We have a big yard. We
already have a dog. You know, we got eight grandkids,
we got everybody. We love dogs. He uh, he said
that maybe you know, if you wanted to, you know,
you come over and you live with us, and uh,
you'll be with He says, yeah, yeah, sure, that's fine.
I have no problem with that. I said, well, that's great.
So I go up and I talked to the guy

(08:52):
who was sitting there, and I said, well, I talked
to Max. I said yeah, he said uh. I said
so when I asked him, I want to buy him?
How much? How much? Uh? How much has cost to
buy him? And he says, can't you read the sign?
I said, yeah, he says talking. He says talking dog
ten dollars. I said, that dog talks. He said yeah.

(09:15):
He says, you're gonna You're gonna sell a talking dog
for ten dollars. He said, hey, he's a liar. He
ain't never been any of that crap. He said, yeah,
I didn't buy him. You know, who wants another who
wants another alcoholic dog? You know what I mean. I'm

(09:36):
believable all and he said, going on, you know, I
you know, I've read a lot of books, you know,
the Big Book, the twelve and twelve, Doctor Bob and
the Good Old Timers. Bill Wilson's last essay Emotional Sobriety
in the next Frontier. I'm pretty good I'm I've been

(10:01):
educated far beyond my capacity to understand anything. I was
going for. I was a graduated departmental honors in mathematics.
I was going for my pH d. And I was
breaking topology and ended up being a lawyer in the
division chief and one of the largest prosecution firms, working
for jan you know, or former Attorney General and stuff
like that, doing major crimes. You know. So I'm not

(10:21):
a stupid guy. Well, I actually am a stupid guy.
But I mean I'm well credentialed, I'll put it that way,
you know. And if you look at my life, you'd
have to say that guy must be stupid, you know.
And and so the thing is, I've read, you know,

(10:42):
I've gone to all the meetings, all the deals, you know,
did all the steps, taught the steps. Still do teach
the steps down there do? We do have things called
step series where a group you'll for a group, you'll
you'll do twelve weeks in a row, and I'll speak
for twelve weeks in a row on different steps and
on different topics and things like that, sort of like workshops,

(11:03):
you know, sponsors everything that moves into group back with
Trairman for two years in a row, you know, brought
down Clancy and Johnny Harrison and all the stuff that
we do, you know, gladly, and and I got even
right now. I go to three zoom meetings a day
when it's seven seven am, and I'm just telling you
about myself because it's going to lead up to some

(11:25):
seven am in the morning, twelve o'clock in the afternoon,
and five point thirty and I'm sorry at four o'clock
in the afternoon. And I do that almost every day
except for on Fridays at four o'clock. I'm sorry. Fridays
at seven o'clock, we have a four hour meeting. That's
it's a scripture friendly meeting. And then on Saturdays I

(11:46):
do a four hour workshop. And on top of that,
I also do regular you know, this kind of stuff
where I actually talk to people and live in person,
you know what I mean. And I go to Bible study.
And somebody asked me the other day, how do you
find time to do all this stuff? I said, I
don't play golf. You'd be surprised how much time you

(12:12):
can devote to other things if you stop doing some things.
I'm not putting down anybody who plays golf or place,
goes to baseball games or anything like that. And I
do that because it's what gives me joy. And I
happen to believe because I remember, I remember saying to

(12:32):
myself so many times, when am I going to stop
worrying about what people think about me? One of the
promises going to start not only happening to me, but
not in the haphazard way they happen to me where
they come and they go say no, they're there in
between the times you're waking up a three o'clock in
the morning worrying about money. When am I going to

(12:56):
stop saying to other people? I don't give a crap
what other people think about me? When am I going
to stop telling myself over and over again, I don't
give a crap what they think about me? Usually after
I've been thinking a lot about what other people are
thinking about them, And because what you ultimately learn is

(13:18):
that people that tell themselves and try to convince themselves
that they don't care about what other people think about them, well,
what you realize is that people that really don't care
what other people think about them never say stuff like that.
They say things like past the ketchup, but they don't
say that stuff. And since the Big Book does say,

(13:41):
I'm delusional, which means I can't separate the truth from
the false. My alcohol thinking, my alcoholic life seems the
only normal, seems normal and comfortable to me. How can
you be an AA for ten years or fifteen years
or twenty years and still worry about whether people like
you or not, or worry about what people think about it?

(14:04):
I mean, is that sobriety or is that some sort
of weird bondage? You know? I'm an alcohol because no money,
no amount of money, no suit of clothes, no specific
weight you know, no woman, no car, no job, no
nothing ever work quite as well as just a few drinks.

(14:26):
And if it worked for me today the way it
worked for me when I was eighteen years old, I'd
still be drinking it. But it stopped working for me.
And the sad news or the good news about my case,
however you want to look at it, is it stop
working for me about ten years before I realized it's
stop wearing for me, and I hurt a lot of people.
Now I can sit here and I can tell you this.
One of the things you see is you see thousands
of people when you come in. I go to the internationals.

(14:49):
Everybody's staying sober, everybody's everybody's doing great. And then one
day you're sitting at a meeting and you see some
guy with twenty years pick up a white chip. And
one day you've got twenty five or thirty years, or
thirty five years or forty years or forty five years sobriety,

(15:09):
and all of a sudden, you're getting calls from people
that have twenty five years and they want to commit suicide,
and they got thirty years and they want to kill themselves,
and they got forty years and they want to drink.
And all of a sudden, you start saying that everybody's
staying sober who has twenty years or less, but between
twenty and forty five, they're all dead or drinking, or

(15:29):
they're not around, or you could shoot deer. And you
start putting things together and you start realizing what Bill
Wilson realized when he wrote the essay Emotional Sobriety The
Next Frontier. And one of the things that is problematic
because one of the problems I have. You're not gonna

(15:50):
believe this. I have a problem with my brain. I
once sponsored a guy named Tommy. He was a co
prosecuted me. We did a lot of murder cases together prosecution,
and I came to AA and Tommy was like three
years after that. He called me up one day. He's
an a lawyer and a great guy and he's he

(16:11):
and he was sleeping on a probation officer's floor. He
was all coked out and drunk and everything like that.
He had his hair down here. And this guy what
used to be a jockey. He was supposed to be
in court and he couldn't be in court, and he
didn't know what to do, and he was all scared
and all screwed up the way we get and and
he was calling me up because he was supposed to
be in court and he was worried about not getting there,

(16:32):
and you know, the condition was in So I called
up the chief judge and I straightened that deal out
and then I when I picked him up, I took
him to his first AA meeting and he loved AA.
I mean the next day he cut all his hair.
You know, he was he he looked like the guy
he looked like at the University of Florida when he
was playing football. You know, he just completely changed. He

(16:53):
went to tons of AA meetings and all that sort of stuff,
and he completely changed. He he loved AA. Everything was great.
So one day i'm i'm I was at a room
or son. I got a phone call. It was it
was Tommy and I said, hey Tommy, and I sponsored him.
He says, hey Tommy, Uh, what's going on? He says,
and he says this. He says, he says, I think

(17:14):
I have to leave AA. And I said, uh, I said, well,
I'm sorry, what Tommy? What? What what you're saying? He says,
I think I have to leave AA. I said, what
are you talking about? You got to leave A. You
love AA. You got tons of AA meetings, saved your mind.
He says, I know, I know, but I think I
have to leave. And I said, Tommy, what are you crazy?

(17:35):
You've been telling you everybody. He says, I don't, he said.
He whispered. He says, like somebody's gonna hear. He says,
I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I said, what do
you What are you talking about the last three months?
You're telling everybody you're an alcoholic? He said, you're an alcoholic?
You know you're you're doing it, he says. I know,
I know, he says, But but Russell, I just don't

(17:55):
think I'm an alcoholic, he says. He says. Listen, he says,
he says, Russell, this said, I think I might be crazy.
I said, Tommy, he said, what I said, Tommy, he says,
what I said. Listen what he says. I said, you

(18:16):
can be both. The disease has nothing to do with drinking,
has nothing to do with cocaine, has nothing to do
with any of that stuff. I say that because it
doesn't have anything to do with that stuff. Now, certainly

(18:38):
it's got the effect of having the disease will cause
you to go out. You know, Remember I said alcohol.
He said, no woman, no car, no amount of money,
no sets. That work quite as well as just a
few drinks. Well, what you ultimately learned is when you
get rid of the alcohol, all those other things, the
worldly clamors, they work too, and they work just as
bad worrying about what people think about or just as

(19:01):
bad as alcoholism. And that the drinking is just a
symptom of the real disease. Now, just like you me,
everybody needs that, don't drink and go to meetings, don't
drink even if you ask falls off. You know, I
don't care what's happening. You could, you could kill fifteen
rabbis and a priest and you know, do whatever you

(19:22):
want to do, and you know, have sex with squirrels.
It doesn't matter if you haven't had a drink, Russ,
you're a success. And that is absolutely necessary to hear
that stuff for the first ten fifteen years today, And
you know something that'll keep people sober. Picking up medallions
will keep people sober. But I'll tell you won't keep
you sober after twenty five years, won't keep you sober

(19:45):
after thirty years, won't keep you sober after thirty You
know why because Bill Wilson said, there was a time
where I needed God, and he came. But soon worldly clamors,
worldly clamors, the world, the women, the men, the money,
the job, the prestige blocked out his presence. How blind

(20:09):
I had been. You see, here's the problem. You see,
I'm real good at paragraphs and books. Oh, I've read
the Big Book, I read the twelve and twelve. I've
read Doctor Bobin, the good old Timers, and I read
all those things. I've read Bill Wilson's deal. You know
the next frontier. I'm good at books, I'm good at paragraphs.

(20:30):
I'm a lawyer. You give me a paragraph, I'll find
a loophole. I'm a lawyer and an alcohol you'll give
me any paragraph, I'll find a loophole. You understand. I'll say, Well,
that's your problem, that's not my problem. Well, that's good
for you, that's not good for me. But I'm really
bad at sentences. There is one who has all powered.
That one is God. Find him? Now? Oh, what the

(20:51):
hell does that mean? Half measures of able ail you nothing?
What does that mean? Burn that idea to every alcoholic's
mind that he can get well as long as you
trust God and clean it? What does that mean? But
we won't know you, We don't know that. God will
tell you that because your real realiance has to be
on him. He will. He will show you how to
create the fellowship U crave, which will be a godly fellowship.

(21:14):
See you know what your relationship with Him is? Right?
What the hell does that mean? And great events will
come to past for you and countless others. You'll meet
us in the fellowship of the Spirit. What the hell
is the Fellowship of the Spirit. I know the felloship Bay.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
What's the fellowship of the Spirit. There may be different
qualifications for that. Maybe it does something to do with
the sixth step, the one that separates out the men

(21:36):
from the boys, that separates out the children from the adults,
the women, you know, women from the girls. Maybe there's
some sort of separation that happens. Maybe that's the deal.
What would that separation have to do with its sixth step?
What is the sixth step? Well, well, loved clergyman, that's interesting,
Well love Clergyman says, it has to do with the

(21:58):
difference between people that are in here not drink, go
to means, and people are in here to do whatever
they can to get rid of any obstacle that stops
them from growing in the image and likeness of their creator. Well,
what the hell does that mean? What does that mean?
All these things? God is everything or He is not? Well,
what the hell is that meaning? What about money, propping

(22:20):
and prestige? What about that stuff? When Bill Wilson wrote
when he was about about fifteen years sober, that's when
he did that great conference, conference approve conference aprove conference,
approve that little Now, there's nothing wrong with the positions,
you know, I just say a few things just to
get you upset with me, because because the greatest thing

(22:41):
that can happen to me is though they're twenty five
percent of you walked out here saying who invited that
son of a bitch? Because then I'll be living renfree
in your head for about you know, you know, a
week or so until you decide whether you're going to
drink over it or carry that resentment, or you're going
to stop writing something down talking to a sponsor and
then realize that maybe there was some truth in that,

(23:02):
and eight years from now you'll come up to me
and say I used to hate you, but now I
love you, you know, or something like that. But you see,
here's the problem. I know that when I'm talking to
a group like this, I know there's a guy out
there that has eleven and a half years and he's
going to be drunk within a year, and he doesn't
realize it. I know there's somebody out there who's got
eighteen years and within a year too, he's going to

(23:24):
commit suicide and he doesn't realize that I know there
are people out there that I know that Bill Wilson
after he got the fifteen years and had that great
meeting of everybody who had less than fifteen years, that
great business meeting. I know that a few years lady
who was experimenting with LSD, which apparently didn't sure whatever
he thought it was going to cure. And that's not
unusual because I've had friends that have gone out using xanax,

(23:46):
going to psychiatrists and everything like that, and you have too.
And now he didn't drink. And I'm not putting Bill Wilson.
I'm not telling you anything. Bill wouldn't say himself if
he was getting up there and doing the workshop, because
he wrote an essay on it, you know. So I
know there's something more than not drinking and going to meetings.
And I know the Big Book says that drinking is
but a symptom of our problem. The real disease centers

(24:09):
in our mind, on our bodies. So I'd like to
talk to you about the real disease, which may not
sound a lot like don't drink and go to meetings,
but you go to enough meetings where they tell you
don't rink, go to meetings, right, so you need to
hear that again from me, you know, so maybe there's
something else going on that's important. So I like to
talk about that stuff just in case, because I've actually

(24:30):
had people come up to me after meetings says is
you know you're talking about me. I have fifteen years
and I'm miserable, one of the first things he says. So,
I just it's the sentences that kill you, not the paragraphs.
The paragraphs I can get around. I'm an alcoholic. I
can make an excuse. I can say, hey, you work
your program. I work micro it's the sentences that I
don't like. The great fact is this and nothing less.

(24:54):
That you can be rocking in the fourth dimension. You
can experience much of heaven. But God's got to become
the central fact. What does that mean? God becomes the
central fact of your life? What does that mean? What
does that look like? You must be convinced that He
lives in your heart and mind in a way which
is indeed miraculous. To do it for you what you
can't do? What does that mean? I just don't like
the sentences. I want to change it around. I want

(25:16):
to fix it. You know what I mean, and the
real recovery is in the sentences. So Bill Wilson said
in the in the Next Frontier whenever he says, I've
noticed a lot of old timers back then, old timers.
When he wrote this, he wrote this when he had
about twenty years. He said, I've noticed there's a lot
of old time He had twenty years. He was going

(25:37):
down the tubes and he finally got himself out of it.
He was going to a deep depression. He says, I've
noticed there's a lot of old timers, ulsters twenty years less,
twenty three years that are not happy with their sobriety.
And I'm one of them. I'm not going to do
the whole thing for You should read it. You should
read it, you should dissect it, you know. And he says,
he that are not happy with their sobriety, you know,

(26:00):
and I've noticed that. And then he says this line.
This is the line, he says. So if you don't
like it, blamed Bill Wilson, he said, perhaps they will
be the spear. He said, but there are some people
I call them the benighted ones, that some who have
broken through. I call them the benign When he says,

(26:21):
perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major
development in alcoholics anonymous? Do you know what the next
major development is an alcoholics Anonymous? There's no book. You're

(26:42):
gonna have to figure that out for yourself. But the
bottom line is is what's the point? What is the point?
What makes the difference? What's the difference of being sober?
If you can't make a difference in people's lives, If
you can't make a different in a guy with fifteen
or twenty years or twenty five years of sobriety, who's

(27:04):
not happy, who's still lonely, who's still worried about financial insecurity,
who's worried about what other people think about what's the
difference If you can't make the difference. What's the difference
if you can't talk about God or make the difference
because you're scared about what other people think about you?
How does that work out? There is one who has
all powered, That one is God. See what relationship with

(27:26):
him is? Right? How does that work out? In the
big book Abolcoholics Anonymous, where somebody will talk about God
or ask a questions about God, and some presumed old
time or some guy with ten years, who's scared that
that might be the group might catch a virus. Is
start talking about faithful logs instead of drunke logus. How
does that work out? When he goes up to the

(27:47):
person the newcomer and says to him, don't talk about
that stuff. You're killing newcomers. How does that work out?
When Doctor Bob's sponsored Clarence Snyder and said to Snyder,
first thing right off the bat, it's writing Doctor Bob.
It's writing in doct Bob and Good Old Timers. I
know you guys have read it. I know you guys
have read the part in Doctor Bob and the Good

(28:09):
Old Timers, which is about doesn't it say, really haven't
seen PERCEVALI has thoroughly followed our path that was written
in what in nineteen thirty nine? The path was what
happened between thirty five and thirty nine. So let me
ask you this question, just a question, you know, just
a fact. We got a conference approved book called Doctor
Bob and Good Old Timers. Doctor Bob says, in the book,
you got to follow our path. The whole book is

(28:29):
about following their path. Doctor Bob says. The book the
books we found absolutely essential were one Corinthians thirteen sermon
of them out of the Book of James. When he
was asked what does the first things first mean? He said,
seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and
all things will be all things will be given to you.
And I got about fifty different quotes, not to mention
Bill Wilson, who said, the Lord has been so wonderful

(28:51):
to me, curing me of this terrible disease. I got
to keep talking about and telling other people. That's called
the Golden the Golden Text about books. And I'm so,
what does all that mean? Those sentences mean when people
are scared to even voice opinion or anything about God
because somebody's going to hit him over ahead and said,
you're killing people. Maybe it has something to do with

(29:12):
the difference between people staying sober for fifteen years or
and staying sober for forty years. I don't know, so
I digress. Let's talk about me for a second. Okay,
I'm gonna do it real fast, because it's really hard
to fit forty five years, actually seventy six years, because
I'm seventy six in like twenty minutes. Okay, so I'm

(29:32):
eighteen years old. And and I go and inherit a
little money. So I go and I buy a car,
a gold Camaro with the landau roof, which is really
not cool these days, but it was cool back then
because I knew. I knew that that would change my life,
because I wake up every morning and said, if I

(29:52):
only had this, I'd be okay. If I only had that,
I'd be okay. If I only had this girl, I'd
be okay. If I only had the money, I'd be okay.
If I only had a job, I'd be okay. If
I only word, it might be okay. See, there's one
thing I know. It's an alcoholic. I know exactly what
the problem is, exactly where it works, and it'll work immediately.
And that was a gold Camaro. And so I go,
and I put down all the money I have because

(30:13):
I believe me, my whole life is about spending money.
I don't have the bike crap. I don't need to
impress people I don't even like. So that's my whole life. Yeah,
you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. But the
bottom line is is I get that gold and I
go out. He says, I want the car, give him money.
He says, no, no, no, we can't give you the car
because we got to prep it. Prep it now. I'll
take I'll take it now. He says, no, you come
back tomorrow, we'll give it to you. So nine o'clock

(30:34):
that in the morning, I go back to the Chevy dealer.
I get in that new car, a new car smell.
It's got like about one hundred miles on it or
something like that. I drove it down Alton Road. I
think the entire world is looking at I think every
woman in China has me on our TV set, you
know what I mean. I'm just waiting. I'm listen. I'm
about one hundred and fifty pounds lighter than I am now.
I'm wearing a T shirt, I got cigarette, I'm smoking

(30:57):
Lucky Strikes. I'm laying I got the glasses on. It's
over for me, you know what I mean. And I'm
just waiting for the girls to just line up to
get into my Camaro. And I stop at the light
and there's a car that pulls up next to me,
and it's an some old fart guy who sort of
looks like me, now I suppose, And a seventy year

(31:18):
old guy sitting next to a playboy bunny, good looking
blonde playboy bunny in a red convertible catalog. I've just
spent all this money, all the money I have, on
this Camaro because I knew what changed my life. I'm
sitting here in my car. I have to look up
and I'm looking at him. He's looking at me. I'm

(31:39):
looking at him, he's looking at me. I'm looking at
the blonde. She's not looking at me. And I say
to myself, in my mind and my alcoholic mind, I say,
why can't I have a car like that? Yeah? Well,
all I can tell you is the filling last of

(31:59):
three blocks. The payments lasted thirty six months. You know that.
And that's the story of my life. If only I
had I got this, if I get that? What if
I lose this? What if I lose that? What if?
You know? All that sort of stuff running around? And
you know why I wanted that stuff to fix me,
because it works. It works like Scotch. I'm sitting in
one of my first AA meetings next to my sponsor,

(32:20):
and I'm doing what I do in every bar I've
ever drank at, because I was a bar drinking most
of the time until the end. And I look at
my sponsor and I'm looking at the room and I'm
looking at it, and I said, man, look at that
blonde over there in the front row. And my sponsor says,
what you used to drink russ? I said, I drank
scotch top shelf stuff. He says, you see that blonde.

(32:40):
I said, yeah, he says that for you. That blonde
is a bottle of scotch with legs. And I saw it. Yeah,
I chuckled, like you did. That's kind of funny. But
every time I saw a gal after that, this green
bottle formed around her. You know what I mean? You like,
did that deal with me? You know? That's the deal.
So when I was about twenty one years old, twenty

(33:03):
one years old, I'm twenty years old something like that.
It's all fuzzy now, you know, because of the dementia.
But an event, this gal walks into my to my
one of my classrooms, and I always remember I was
gonna be a math professor and all that sort of stuff.
I loved it. I love that stuff. She walks in
and she's got legs up to here. She's a cheerleader

(33:23):
in a gorgeous scout. I say to myself, I only
have this gal, I'll be okay. If I can only
have that gal, I'll be okay. And I knew that,
and I believe that, and you couldn't argue me out
of that stuff. So I immediately insinuated myself in that
gal's life. I did whatever I could, just sort of
slide in there. Her father was a doctor, our mother
was a lawyer, her grandfather was a lawyer. Said man,

(33:44):
there's a group of professionals, you know. And I insinuated myself.
I endeared myself to them. I did whatever I had
to do because I'm an alcoholic and I'm a smart guy,
so I'm gonna move everything I can to get what
i want. And one day I wake up, I don't
know how this happened, and I said to myself, I
don't know why I'm going to be a math professor.

(34:06):
I need to be a lawyer or a doctor, you know.
And I went to medical school. They said, you know,
you got straight a's and everything. You're doing all that stuff,
but you don't have any biology. If you want to
go to medical school, you got to get biology. You
got to go for about six months, get some biology, guys.
I said that ain't ever going to happen. That ain't
never going to happen. I just have to be a professionals.
I went to law school. I give them three hundred dollars.

(34:27):
You're a lawyer, you know. So somebody asked me, well,
why did you become a lawyer? And I say, as
honest as I can, I said, well, I like Perry Mason,
I like this, I like talking, I like this all
this stuff, and I believe that. Listen, let me tell
you why I became a lawyer. I became a lawyer
to get into a gal's pants. Now, looking at this crowd,

(34:47):
I can tell you have a lot of integrity in here.
You know what I mean. You would never do anything
like that to you know, get sex or romance or
anything like that. I know I'm talking to a You
guys are obviously spiritual, not religious. You've evolved into spiritual beings.
But I always had my eye on the material stuff

(35:08):
in this world, the stuff that's going to kill me.
The world we clamors, which never stop twenty four to seven,
although your prayers may stop, you know, and especially if
you get to go to groups with they never talk
about this stuff, you know what I mean. So I
got married to that goal. It's very nice goalped didn't
do anything wrong. But after about six months something was missing.
You know. I got married too young. So I hung

(35:31):
out at the bars and I would sit there and
I would look at the girls, and I'd hang out
with my friends by drinking buddies, and I say to
myself things like this, man, if I wasn't married, I
could have that redhead. If I wasn't married, I could
have that brunette. If I was married, I could have this,

(35:51):
I could have that, you know, because there was something
I needed to do for me to make me feel okay,
because you see, I was a nothing. I was always
to be a nothing. I was nothing better than nothing.
I used to put something in my body to turn
me into an almost when you're nothing, almost at the
top of the world. And one of the things that
would turn me into an almost and be a woman
that adored me, likely or money in the bank or

(36:13):
everything in this world, because otherwise, without that, I was
a piece of crap. That's the deal. A piece. And
I tell you how great I am, and I do
all that stuff, but it was a piece of crap,
and I would do that. I'd stay in the bar
un til four o'clock in the morning. Then I'd roll
in with a wife and baby at home at four
o'clock in the morning. And that went on for about
three or four years. Never even physically cheated on my wife.
I'm proud of that. All I did was come in

(36:34):
four o'clock in the morning and I'll go home and
just wish I could cheat on my wife, and I
just I guess I just didn't have the courage or
what that was. But I would pat myself in the
back and how virtuous I was. And then one day
my wife said to me, she said, I just want
you to know, if you come home drunk one more time,
I'm leaving you twelve words. If you come home drunk
one more time, I'm leaving you. That's a sentence. That's

(36:55):
a sentence. If you come home drunk one more time,
I am leaving you twelve rods, that's a sentence. I'm
bad at sentences. I drive three blocks, I stop at
a light and I say to myself in my mind,
what the hell do you mean by that? Now, when
you can't figure out stuff like that, you're gonna have

(37:15):
a rough time in your life. You know. I didn't
understand what she meant by that. I went to my bar.
I got there at four point thirty. I start feeling
good as I pull into the bar. I sit down
at the bar. I own to my just one drink
because I can only stay for one drink because Ronnie
said he come on drunk, more time leaving you. And
I say, can I have a double scotch? So I'm

(37:36):
on two already, and I take the double scotch and
I whack it down because I was I didn't drink
a lot, but I drank fast because I wanted to
get that place where I really didn't care what other
people thought about me. That's what Boos did for me.
I walk in the bar worrying about what the guy
was gonna take me up, about the guys, what the
group's gonna tak about me. I take a couple of shots.
I feel like I own the group, you know what
I mean. I take this shot, and all of a sudden,

(37:57):
Doug Hartman, one of my buddies, my drinking buddy, comes
up to you and says, what's going on with us?
He says, I gotta leave I said, what do you
mean you got to leave? You got just got here,
I said. Ronnie said, if I come home drunk one
more time, she's leaving me. And she was serious. He
looks at me, he says, Russell. Everybody loves you, he said,

(38:21):
we all love you. I said, I love you. You're the
greatest guy in the world. Your wife is crazy about you.
She loves you. He puts his arm around me. She
is never going to leave you. I'm thinking, well, hell,
that's what I was thinking. That's why I live. That's

(38:42):
exactly what I was thinking. You know. So I got
home at four o'clock in the morning. That was the
end of my marriage. And if you ask me why
my magic broke up, I say, we were different people.
We got married to young, all this sort of stuff.
You know. When I took that drink, I was sober.
You know, my wife said that I wish I could take.
I did all these things, nasty things to people because
I was drinking. It's alcohol's fault. I hurt many of

(39:04):
the same people the same way. Cold homes so sober.
I heard a lot of it. I heard I had
this disease before I started drinking. During the drinking. After
the drinking, most of the people I heard at this
point in my life, I disappointed because there are things
that center in my mind, not my body. One day
i'm I'm so. I ultimately get so. Well, what happened

(39:28):
to me is make a long story short. December twenty fifth,
nineteen eight, twenty fifth, December twenty fifth, nineteen eighty I
get kicked out of a party. Some good looking gal,
you know, inviting me to a party. So I'm up again,
I'm a real man. And her father said, get rid
of this guy. He's a drunk, and she kicked me out.
So here I am all alone, thirty one years old,

(39:50):
you know, an attorney, but thirty one years old, and
I'm all alone on Christmas, and I knew I was
the only one on Christmas that didn't have anybody, And
I out a feeling. It wasn't even I can't even
describe loneliness. It's a loneliness that it's it's like it's
like the whole world has somebody but you and h

(40:11):
and I turned TV. It's a preacher. Preacher says to me,
he does like a story or something. I don't remember
what he said, but it was it was like one
of these things like that. We'd like to listen to
what it was like, what happened was like, and of
course the story ends up. And then I accepted Christ,
or somebody says, if you really, I really have a
problem and you want things and bye Christ to come
in to your life. And everything worked out and I

(40:32):
got down on my knees in a nanosecond, I said
the Sinner's prayer right then, and you know what, and
that was it, you know, which is not a big
deal for some people in here, you know, but for
a Jewish kid from Great Neck, New York, it was
a big deal. I don't know. I guess you had
to be there. I'd like to say, three rabbis and
a priest came down. We have some doughnuts here and

(40:52):
a coffee. You got an a meaning, go, that's not
what happened. I continue to drink. I got into a
bad accident and almost killed myself and somebody else. And
bottom line is is that next thing, I know, some
guy comes to the hospital, my first sponsor, Bob Sullivan,
and he threw me a curve. I was gonna explain
to them, you know, I know, coming from your going
you think, you think you know what's going on, and

(41:13):
you think I'm an alcoholic. But I said, let me
tell you something. I don't really have a drinking problem.
I drink because I have problems. I'm presume my problems
are gonna go away and I won't have to drink anymore.
So thank you very much. But he threw me a curve.
He didn't talk to me about me, talking to me
about himself. And I identified him with him so much,
and he said, listen, Russ. He says, you never have
to drink. I never had anybody say you never had
to drink. I thought I had a drink. He says,

(41:33):
you never have to drink anymore if you don't want to,
and you never have to feel this way if you
don't want to. And I so much didn't want to
feel that way. I didn't want to drink. So I
wound up in a meeting picking up a white chip.
I stand up in front of two hundred people, I
pick up white chip. It's almost like announcing that you
need help. I didn't care. I didn't care, and I
said you need help. And so now I'm sponsored and
I got three months. I'm going to tell you just

(41:54):
a couple of stories, you know, I mean, you got
I got four hundred stories. I'm gonna tell you like three,
you know what I mean, because we don't have time
for this. So that goes all through my sobriety, because
all the stories have something to do with alcoholism. And
what I've realized is that for five years, ten years,
fifteen years, what happens is is God allows you to

(42:16):
see based upon the things that happened to you in
your life, you know, the little beatings he allows you
to take. You learn the value of suffering the things
that happen in your life. And you know, with us,
they have to happen open and over and over and again.
We don't learn our lesson like one time. And you know,
they allows you to see what alcoholism really looks like.
And then when you say what really looks like and

(42:37):
you want to get rid of it, then you got
another three years to go or four years ago, you
know what I mean, You don't give it up gracefully.
And and so now I'm married the lovely missus spats there, gorgeous,
three months sober, beautiful young lady, and all of a
sudden I realize that I'm broke, You know what I mean.
I got fifty bucks in the bank. I haven't paid

(42:59):
the rent in three months or two months or something
like that, and I'm scared. I'm scared crapless, you know
what I mean? What am I gonna do? I'm waking
up at three o'clock in the morning. Where's the money
gonna come from? What am I gonna do? What am
I gonna do? I'm not gonna drink, you know what
I mean? What am I gonna do? Well? What am
I gonna do? I'm not gonna say anything to my group,
not that I can't. I'm not gonna tell my group

(43:19):
that the big shot layer dies fifty dollars in the
back of his rug. Not that I cared what they
thought about me, you know what I mean. I'm past that,
you know what I mean. So I finally let slip
on my sponsor. I say, Bob, I sell e any money.
I says, I'm broke. I tell him the whole story.
He says. He says, Russell, I can fix that. I said, really,
He says, absolutely, don't even worry about it. We can
fix that. I said, Man, I get my cash is

(43:41):
mid at my pods is gonna give me a couple
of thousand dollars. I love this AA thing, you know
what I'm talking about, And so A means over. He says, okay,
let's fix that money thing. He says okay. So he
maunches me over to the coffee pot. He's just showing
me how to make coffee. You know. He says, you're
gonna be the coffee maker for this group. I'm thinking,
I'm not sure I play myself real well in this deal.

(44:02):
I mean, I love that Lenny, but we're talking money here,
you know what I mean. And he shows me how
to set up the chairs to make the coffee. And
the next day I didn't want to go. And I
didn't want to go because because no money came in
and I was broke and I was depressed. Wouldn't know
I wasn't depressed. I was very depressed, you know what
I mean, because we all get depressed. We had very depressed,
which was a good excuse for missing meanings. But I

(44:22):
had to go, you know why, because I had to
make the stupid coffee. He goes, if I didn't go
and make the coffee, what would they think about me?
You know what I mean? So it was like spiritual
jiu jitsu. So I went and I make the coffee
for three more months, and somehow the money came in
and everything was okay, and it all worked out, and
some idiot came up with me. He says, you know,
I'll make the coffee. I said, I'm the coffee maker.

(44:44):
What the whole point to you? You know, I got
my own coffee, got your own groovy son of a guy,
you know. So about ten years sobriety I started. Unlike
Bill Wilson, It took me ten years before I hit
a wall. So if any of you ever hit a wall,
and you know, and you're not drinking and go to
meetings and you're double up on your meetings and everything
like that, it's like a band aid. It's keeping you

(45:05):
sober and you're not drinking. But there comes to anxiety again,
there comes to worry again, there comes the loneliness again.
You can't understand why it's not working for you, because
you will work for for ten wives and years, fifteen years.
So I went up to somebody and I asked whether
they thought the problem was, and I told him everything
I was doing. He says, you know, Russia, you need

(45:25):
to go to Bible study. You need to start getting
God in your life. You're getting everything out of your
groups and everything out of the book except God and God.
So we become the central fact of your life. And
I said, no, no, you don't understand. You don't understand.
He says, I'm spiritual, not religious, because I learned from
AA that Bible, no religion, no, and everything like that.
That's all. No, you know, it's all about doing the

(45:46):
steps and everything like that. But the steps are all
about the first thing they say. The first thing they said,
there is one who has all the power. That one's God.
When we find now because in the book he says,
this agnosticism, this atheism, has to be abandoned. The book,
but it says if a mere code of morals, better
philosphy of life, even the step would have got the
sobet sober Long says, therefore, we had to talk about God,

(46:08):
something that will relieve all your problems. He says, here's
where agnostics have a real problem. So if somebody comes
up to you and starts being the overhead, because because
you're talking about God or thinking about God, you're talking,
he's taught he's an agnostic because that's in the definition
of an agnostic, a person that gets uncomfortable when you
talk about God. I don't care what he says about

(46:29):
how he loves God or all that sort of stuff
and that kind of deal. Of course, that's just an opinion.
You can ignore that opinion or not. We'll see what happens.
You get to live your life. So the bottom line
is I only say that as that's the path I
went on. I'm not imposing anything on any of you. Guys.
Should do whatever you want to do. But I had it.
I never stopped going to meetings. I doubled up on
my meanings. I've always been going to three meetings on

(46:51):
the way the office. I go to seven o'clock meeting,
I go to a twelve o'clock meeting. I go to
a five thirty meeting. On the way. I was doing meetings.
I could do with these emails before you understand me,
I never abandon but I just added on more. I
just added on more, and I took away the golf,
you know what I mean. God actually did become the
centerpiece of my life, the central fact. One day I

(47:12):
had about a little more sobriety, and I got real mad.
With my lovely wife. If you can believe that. I
went up to my sponsor, Joe Snyder at the time.
I said that, he says, I gotta get a divorce.
He says, what do you mean, you gotta get divorced?
I said, I told him everything he said. I took
twenty minutes. I told him specifically what she said, and
then she said this, and then she said that, and
then she said this. I have three kids now three

(47:34):
four kids. Then she said that I gotta get I can't.
I didn't come here to take that. I got a guy.
I can't. I couldn't tell. I mean, it was clear
what the problem was. It was clear. I was out
the right. That means you gotta be killed if you
don't undertand because you're so stupid, you know I was right.
And so my sponsor said to me, he said, so,

(47:56):
why are you upset? Because because I always got stupid sponsors,
they would have let me tell you something. Doug Hartler
would have understood. They're not smart like the guys in
the bar. He says, well, what do you mean? He says,
why are you upset? I said, Joe, I just spent

(48:17):
twenty minutes telling you specifically what she did and what
she said and what she's going to do. I said, yeah, yeah,
I heard all that. I said, but why are you upset?
I said, I just told you why I'm upset. He said,
that's not why you're upset. So what do you mean,
That's not why I'm upset? Russell, That's just not why
you're upset? And then you shut up. I said, yay,

(48:38):
that's not why you're upset. Well what about when you
that's not why you're upset. Well, that's not why you're upset.
And then he shut up, and I said to him,
I said, so you sat there, didn't say a word,
and I had something in my mindset, and I think
this guy is not telling you something. And so I said, well,

(48:58):
you know why I'm upset? Said, oh yeah, I know
why I upset. You know why I'm upset? Oh man,
it's so clear. I said, well, you're gonna tell me
why I'm upset. He says, I don't know. I mean,
do you really want to know? I said, of course,
I want to know why am I upset? He said, listen,
I'll never forget this line. I may forget a lot

(49:20):
of eyes. This is like thirty thirty five years ago,
he said, listen, stupid, which was his nickname for me.
Listen stupid, you're upset because you're upsetable, he said, what
is this like zen aa or something? You know? And

(49:42):
you know, sometimes my wife does some stuff, you know,
but it just doesn't bother me anymore. It doesn't bother
me anymore. And you know, when I started taking this
stuff seriously and started started trying to understand the sentences
and hanging around with people that were understanding the sentences
as supposed to not drink and go to means the

(50:03):
sentence that you can do you can do both. As
soon as I started understanding, you know, one day, one
day the date came and I wasn't worried about what
people are thinking about me. And even though I had
money problems, I've been rich, I've been poor, I've been rich,
I've been poor. Rich is better, you know what I mean.
But it's not that you never have the problems anymore.
It's not that you don't get concerned about it. But

(50:24):
they don't rule my life. You know why, Because I
have something called faith in God. I know all things
work good for those who love the Lord and somehow
protect me. And he's never failed where I thought it
would never go well for me. My life was going
to be over. Terrible things were going to happen. Instead
of having to turn it over, I turn it over all.

(50:45):
I turn it over, turn it over, turn it over.
Oh week, I got worried about it. Then I turned
it over. He said, what about that is? I turned
it over? And then one day I started living it
turned over life. In the morning, I'd be thinking about him.
In the afternoon, i'd be thinking about him. Driving my car,
I'd be thinking about him. I wouldn't be thinking about
the girls of the money, I'd be thinking about him.
At night, going and sleep, I'd think about him. I

(51:07):
wake up again thinking about him. I'd be talking about him,
and you wanted something. All of a sudden, I stopped
worrying about everything that was going on. I started worrying
about the world and things of this world and things
I thought I needed. And what I started doing is
I started thinking about him. Then you know what happened.
I started talking about him at meetings and whenever I
would talk, Because you know, Bill Wilson said, the Lord
has been so wonderful to meet curing me of this

(51:27):
tuble disease. I got to keep talking about him and
telling other people. So whatever that thing is that Bill
Wilson had, I caught that and the world we clamors
caught me too. And that's what happened to me like
it happened to Bill Wilson. But I pulled out of it,
and you know how, because I got sick enough and
bad enough where I started doing stuff that people in
A wouldn't have wanted to do. But of course people

(51:49):
in A don't want to do it because we ain't
exactly well. People's anonymous, last story, last story, current events.
So this is a true story. This has to do
with my wife, and she can't deny this because I
have witnesses. So I walk about a year ago, I

(52:12):
walk out of my bedroom and I walked into in
the morning, just woke up, and I walked to where
the front into the living room, dining room, and my
wife is coming in from outside with this big box
delivered by Amazon. Big box. It's like this high, this wide,

(52:33):
and it says industrial strength power steam cleaner or something
like that, you know, for the patio to clean up,
you know, stuff like that. So pretty, I mean, I
haven't lost all since I immediately priced right, I said,
that's four to five hundred dollars. I've already. I'm not
I'm starting. I got earned this amount of money every

(52:53):
month in order for us to keep afloat. I'm now
five hundred dollars in the hole. But it's okay, I'm fine.
I say, I say, oh, you bought a steam cleaner.
She says, yes, I bought a steam cleaner. It's okay,
And I mean, I've got like forty four years or
whatever it is. Then she goes outside again and she

(53:17):
brings in the exact same box God is my Witness
steam cleaner and brings it in. Now I'm down a thousand,
So I say, I mean, so far no amends is necessary,
you understand. I say, oh, you bought two? She said, yes,

(53:40):
I bought two. And then I say, so, why do
you by two? And she says, as God is my witness,
they learned this from Alan on how to torture your

(54:03):
husband so that he has to make an amends. So
I said, why'd you buy two? And she says, can't
make this stuff because I wanted too. And I'm about
I'm just about to say the next line, which I

(54:26):
have to tell you has an F bomb in it.
I swear it did it did, but I think it
was appropriate and had an F on it. But you
know what happened. The Lord captured that sucker and put
a thought in my mind. You know what the thought was, Rush,
You just got the best answer you're ever going to
get from this woman. Move on because I learned something

(54:49):
about the tenth step. If you don't do stupid crap,
if you don't do stupid crap, you don't have to
make amends. Okay, So I move on. Three days later,
I go outside. We're about to do that four hour workshop.
I have a bunch of guys over. We're gonna go
on zoom. I got a big screen TV. We're gonna
do that. Then we got about eighty nine people from

(55:11):
all over the planet and we're gonna do that thing.
My wife's out there with a steam cleaner, just standing there.
I say, what's going on? She says, steam cleaner stop working.
I say, well, once, just get the other steam cleaner.
She goes, I knew you couldn't let it go, could you.

(55:35):
Well from her, I make sure I brought that for
my cousin. Now are you happy, and I'm like, I'm
like laughing. This is happening in front of my I
got witnesses, sponsores and stuff. I said. I said, man,
she was holding onto that hand grenade for three days.
Three days, she's holding on to the hand grenade. And

(55:56):
now it's just a story, you know what I mean.
We didn't have to get divorced over it or anything
like that. And that's the deal. So that's the deal
with my life. So that'd be seen. You know, none
of those stories have anything to do with alcohol, but
they have everything to do with alcoholism. They have everything
to do with alcoholism. They have everything to do with

(56:19):
what gets you upset these days? What bothers you? I
can't sleep at night? Would you keep on thinking about
they have everything to do with alcoholism. I wish I
could say alcohol closed all my problems. You know, I
probably would have blown my brains out if I didn't
have alcohol up until I was twenty twenty one, thirty
years old, because the only thing alcohol allowed me to

(56:39):
do is live with my sorry ass self while I
was doing it and tell myself lies. That's the only
thing alcohol I had to do with my deal, And
that's the deal. With me and I got nothing more
to say to you. Also, thank you very much.