Russell S. Session 1: Step Series at Life Is Good Group - 9/11/2025

Russell S. Session 1, Step Series at Life Is Good Group Boca Raton, FL 9/11/2025

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Inter Russell spats, I'm an alcoholic, and we have an
August group. I see a lot of people that I
know for many years, and I see Peter Marion on
HEA's here with his lovely wife mary Anne, and I
probably broke grant it. I shouldn't do that, I take
it back. And who else is Pat Rogan? I heard
he just finished. I heard he was throwing shade on me.

(00:21):
He's actual Stevie b Was. I guess like Demas's deserted me,
having loved the things at the world, be here ten
minutes late. He'll be here ten minutes. He'll make an entrance.
I'll make an entrance. That's what he'll do. We'll make
an entrance. So it's good to see you guys. Obviously
running out of material or something. I don't know. So look,
I'm just gonna be honest with you, you know, I
just that's all I do. I've been doing How long

(00:44):
has this group been, Mike? How long has this grouping
around since Jimmy started? James fifteen years? So I've been
doing coming up here for fifteen years, doing this deal.
Whatever I do here, I'm still not sure what I
do here, but things as you grow older, and so
it's always good to come up here because I have
a lot of friends up here, not like Miami Dade County,

(01:06):
where they you know, they'd like me to get out
of there. But you know, when you go far away,
you know, they like you. You know, like you go
to Canada, you know, you know, and I know, uh,
Peter knows that he's all over the place, and I'll
be up in Winnipeg and they like me in Canada.
They like me, you know, not so much in Day County.
But uh but anyway, so it's good to be here.

(01:26):
And uh, you know, I used to do a lot
of step series. You know, step series are really indigenous
to South Florida. I used to. I grew up on
step series, following people around doing step series, and and uh,
I thought they have it all over place. And then
I went to Wherever, Wiscone wherever I went to to
do some sort of thing convention or something. I said, well,

(01:47):
what about the step series is a step series? What
they don't do them but here and Dad and Broward,
I don't even I think they do in Monroe and
something like that. What they would do and I would
go to them all time. They start here that we're
very step warriant, and they do a step a week.
They picked somebody to do a step a week for like,
you know, three weeks, three months, and it's almost like

(02:08):
ordering the college course and that kind of thing. And
I used to do that all the time. So you know,
that's what I really did when I came to AA
after I knew something, didn't know much. You know, I
thought I knew everything, but I didn't really know too much.
But now I don't know anything, so I'm totally unencumbered

(02:30):
by all the bullshit I used to think. I know,
just gotten rid of that crap, you know what I mean.
You really have to get rid of a lot of stuff,
you know. I have sponsors and people come up to
me and they start talking to me about something, and
I say, I say, you've been thinking about this a lot,
haven't you. You know, it's a problem too much thinking,

(02:51):
too many ideas going on. So I'm going to just
tell you a little something about my experience. Now, you guys,
and I know, I know some of you guys have
been through this before, right, some of you guys have
been through this before, and you're relatively unscathed, you know,
there's no post traumatic stress syndrome going on here, you know,

(03:12):
but if you unfortunately some of you haven't been through this,
so it's gonna be incredibly disappointed. But that's okay. So
I'm just gonna I know the Steps series you used
to I mean, I don't know this because I don't
know is they usually start off with one. That's not
what they do. That's what I used to do. They
start off with one, and then the second week we

(03:35):
do two and then three and four. And people like
to hear that stuff because they want to know how
to do the steps. And I understand that. I appreciate
that I don't do that. Okay. So I so if
you're in the middle of this thing and you're listening
to me, whether you like it or not, you say,
I don't think he's talking about the steps. You know,
you're not confused. Okay, So you're gonna get whatever. I'm
gonna pitch out and I go to a meeting. My schedule.

(03:58):
I do a lot of zoom stuff, you know, all
the stuff that people say I don't like zoom. I
do a lot of zoom stuff. We got people from
all over the world. We've got people now they come
in and I love them. And we got a lot
of old timers, you know, thirty forty years, you know,
twenty five thirty years and a lot of old timers. And
they're sort of like, So I go to a seven
am meeting in the morning, and then twelve o'clock meeting
in the at lunchtime, and then a four o'clock meeting

(04:20):
in the afternoon on Zoom. And on Friday nights we
have in a Live Again meeting which is like Christian recovery.
And then on Saturday morn and that's like a three
hour meeting, and then Saturday morning we have a four
hour workshop and and it's they're they're like I call
them beginner's meetings for old timers, beginner's meetings. Now we

(04:47):
get new people and they love they like it too,
But these are meetings where old timers can talk about stuff,
you know, because old timer's are out piece too, right,
you know, so they need to go to meetings. Uh,
People that have a lot of times sometimes need to
go to meetings where they can say things and hear

(05:08):
things that they don't hear at meetings. I don't know
that makes any sense too, but it doesn't really matter.
You'll go get the feeling this is this is uh.
There's not gonna be a lot of talk. I can
almost promise you that, uh, that you're gonna hear that
you hear at other meetings. It's just that's just the
way it's not gonna be. So we'll see how it
works out. But hopefully everything will work out. Now, I uh,

(05:30):
And and that's I was going to like three or
four three meetings a day when before zoom. On the
way to work, I'd go to a seven o'clock meeting
at the Carl Room, and for lunch, I'd go to
a twelve o'clock meeting, and on the way home I'd
go to a five thirty meeting instead of the bar.
I mean I used to, you know, I would drink
and I used to I used to get in the
bar at four o'clock and I'd leave and to go

(05:52):
home with a wife contended home at four o'clock in
the morning. What's what's that twelve hours? It mean nothing?
Of means drinking twelve hours in the bar. People would leave,
ID say where they go on the booze is in here?
I didn't understand, So now you know. And then I
would go to sometimes a meeting eight three night, so
I could go to three or four meetings. Love meeting.
Used to love hanging around meetings, hanging around alcoholics. It
wasn't unusual for me. So now I just sort of

(06:12):
do it on zoom. And you know, once in a while,
I'm kind of old. I'm seventy six years old. So
I got to tell you. I taken a lot of maps.
You know, it's hard for me to drive two hours
so I'm coming up here. But I used to, you know,
drive the two hours to come up here. But now
I drive over to Braid and thank you Braid, and
to his place, and he drives me up here. And
that's how we do it. And so when I first

(06:34):
came into alcoholics anonymous, now I can promise you this.
I've done all the steps. I've done all the steps forever,
I don't I've done the steps so many times, and
I've spoken about the steps so many times that I
do them now, but I don't know I'm doing them.

(06:57):
That's hard to explain. You know, there's a way of
life that demands rigorous honesty. The way of life that
Deman's rigorous honesty is the way of the steps in
my mind is also a way. And also I'm a
Christian guy, so it's also the way, you know, and
it encapsulates all that sort of stuff. You know. I
don't hide my religion because I have a book that

(07:21):
says we never apologize for God. You know. As a
matter of fact, I got to tell someone of the
book I have says things like lack of power. That
is our dilemma. You guys ever heard that? See? I
think the problem with to A sometimes is people read stuff,
but they don't they like skim over it, or they
look at it. They think it's throwaway. They don't think
it's important. And some of the things in the book, now,

(07:43):
like one liners, it's the most important thing in the world.
If you just understand one line, you don't have understand
whole books. You just have to understand one line. They
lack of power, that is our dilemma. In chapter to
the Agnostics, there's a chapter to people who don't believe,
or who doubt or a who atheists. It's called Chap
Two the Agnostics. Bob Smith had a had a position

(08:10):
on that. As a matter of fact, all the serious
aas and the ones that actually survive have the same position.
This is there. Let me tell what their position is.
The people you see, my sponsor used to say, when
a man with experience. He said this to me when
I was three weeks sober, and I and believe me,

(08:33):
I'm I'm not doing well brainwise. I mean, I've got Alzheimer's,
I'm diminished capacity and everything. You know. I'd give Joe
Biden a run for his money. Let me tell you
the bottom line is. But he said, when a man
with experience meets a man with money, the man with
experience will walk away with the money, and the man

(08:57):
with the money will walk away with an experience. I
told that to one guy and he says, what does
that mean? I don't know how to explain it. You
either get it or you don't get it. Okay, what
it means is it's nice to be smart. I'm smart.
I'm smart. You trust me. I got all these diplomas.
I'm smart. One day I'll explain how smart I am.

(09:18):
But uh, I knew everything, I just didn't know how
to keep a wife because I wanted to go out
with other women. I knew everything, but I just didn't
know how to hurt, how not to hurt people. I
knew everything. I just didn't know how not to be
selfish and not to always think about myself. I knew everything,

(09:40):
except I didn't know how to be happy. I knew
how to get drunk. I knew how to have fun.
But fun is not happy. Funny, you know, they're say
in the book here and there, once in a while,
an alcoholic sober. Now for the moment he says, I
feel better, I look better, I'm happy better time. Maybe
you've said that. I've heard a lot of people say that. Said.

(10:00):
We laugh at that kind of crap because we know
he's going to try the old game again, because he's
not happy with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness, as
if you do. We wish for the end be at
the jumping off place. You know, I've seen that happen,
so so my sponsor when he said that, mame with experience. Now,
I was forty five years ago. I'm in my forty
fifth year of sobriety, and I was forty five years ago,

(10:23):
and I remember it like was yesterday. Now, if you
ask me, like this morning, what were they doing at
the meanings, I won't remember a thing. If you say, well,
we spoke about this yesterday. I don't remember thinking, but
I remember certain things, like from forty five years ago,
and so that and the one thing I do have

(10:44):
that I can share with you is experience for years,
seventy six years of experience on the planet, forty five
years experience as an alcoholic. Now, let me tell you
what my experience. There's something about listen. As we know
we're alcoholics. So we're all brilliant, right, We're all very smart.
We all when we come in here, you know, no

(11:06):
matter how broken we are, what we are, we all
sort of feel like we're here to listen. We're here
to learn and learn. We're here to do this thing
and not drink and be wonderful as quickly as possible.
We want to get this thing and really get it.
We all feel in a sense like Roland Hazard going

(11:26):
to see doctor Young, going there for two or three weeks,
two or three months, whatever it is, and saying, now,
knowing the inner works is a mine. Went I drinking
is impossible. I know myself. You don't know me. I
know myself. But nevertheless, he was drunk in two weeks
and he went to doctor Young. He grated a psychiatrists

(11:47):
living at that time, and he said, I don't know
what's wrong with me. I did the whole thing. I
came out of the treatment. I was fantastic. I understood
what the whole thing is about the deal, you know,
and I can't stay. I went back to take it again.
And doctor Young, he was so fortunate. What did God
said to have a doctor is brand into doctor Young
to be able to tell him the truth? And he

(12:07):
told the truth. He said the doors lay. He says,
I can't help you, you know. Can you imagine that
same to a sponsor and he goes to your problem
and saying, I can't help you. You know, I can
say that to people. I can say that to people
because I don't want to rely on me. I want
him to rely on God. You know, I don't want
to rely on anything. But you know, doctor Young told

(12:28):
this guy, he said, I can't help you. God can't.
He said, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic.
I've never been able to help anybody with that state
of minds exist. Well, is there any any except she says, yeah,
you're in there for thousands of years here and there
at once in a while, somebody gets this thing. He said,

(12:52):
it's a miracle. He didn't use the word miracle, he
used the word phenomena. He says, it's a phenomenon. We
can't understand it, we can't explain it, but it's we've
going on for thousands of years. Yeah, even before the
nineteen thirty nine people were getting sober, they were becoming
new creations, they were becoming new people. It's almost like
they were born again. Oh, that's what they say in
the book We were born in it. They say that

(13:13):
in the book they got that out of the Bible
because of the first four years, the only thing they
read was the Bible. Doctor Bob said, the books we
found absolutely essential absolutely You know, guys don't what essential means,
means essential, So absolutely essential. Whatever essential is absolutely essential
is more than that. And the books they found absolutely essential.

(13:36):
This is from doctor Bob good old Timer's I'm not
just feeding his stuff you. It says the books we
found absolutely essential first month, Adains thirteen sermon, the amount
of the Book of James, which I know every one
of you guys have studied and read. Because you want
founders AA, you don't want conference approved AA. That they
got together, and any guys that ever been to a

(13:57):
business meeting. They had a big business meeting. Everybody at
the business meeting had less than fifteen years. I know
because the guy wrote it with Bill Wilson, he had
fifteen years. That was three years before he started sucking
on LSD. So they had a business meeting. Everybody in
less than fifteen years. They laid down a whole bunch
of stuff called traditions. But you're all good. I'm not

(14:18):
saying they're bad, you know, I'm just telling you. All
I'm doing is telling you the truth. If you can
look these things up and then you decide what to do.
They lay down these things called traditions, and after forty
five years and doing this stuff and watching what's going on,
thank God, I'm not hampered by them anymore. I have
a new freedom and new happiness. I think what's happened is,

(14:41):
although I'm a card crying member and I remember a
good stand of AA, I think I've left AA. I
just want to let you know that I've left AA
for a fellowship of the Spirit. For a fellowship of
the Spirit I perfectly qualify, or a fellowship where the
one central thing you have to have is a desire

(15:03):
to stop drinking, and I somehow molded into a fellowship
where the only requirement is you have to love the
Lord and make him to the central factor of your life,
and being absolutely convinced that he lives in your heart
and mind in a way which is deep miraculous. We
call that the great fact. And you get rocketed in

(15:23):
the fourth dimension of existence, whatever that is. I hope
you find it someday and you'll know heaven. I hope
you find that and you'll know peace. I hope you
guys have all found peace, and you'll have that deal
where they say you lose fear of people, fear of
whether people like you or not. You'll just speak your

(15:46):
mind and you won't worry about what they think about you,
and you'll probably say shit that you've never heard of
in a meaning before. You'll tell people's stuff, and you
won't worry about when they like you or not. So
she'll be free because it's not about being popular in AA,
it's about being able to tell the truth. Because you're
not selfish and you're not thinking of your selfie. You're
not worried about whether people like you or not like you.

(16:08):
What would it be like if you lived in this planet,
you're never worried about whether people like you not in
a bad way, like you could kill people. You don't
care whether they like you or not. But I'm saying
in a good way. Well, you never fret about what
you say and what you talk about. You just say
it simply based on your experience, and you never run
through the filter. Well what do think about me if
I say this? Whether you think about you? You know, well,

(16:28):
you know that's just such a horrible bondage. You know.
It's almost that they said we lose fear of financial insecurity.
But I'm not even sure if financial insecurity is a
big deal, because I've been financially insecure. I've been rich,
I've been poor, you know, and all that sort of stuff.
And one time my house was being foreclosed on. It
never came to that. But I remember the one real
big thing I was worried about is I never were
worried about really being homeless. You know, I was a

(16:50):
high earner. But unfortunately, when you spend more money than
you make, you go into something called dead. But I
never worried about being homeless. You know what I worried about,
I worried about what people think about me if they
knew I was, What will people think about me? You know?
What would be like if you didn't worry about your way?

(17:10):
What would people? What would have your life be like
if you didn't worry about your looks or anything or
your car? You know. One time I was walking up
the steps of a church in order to do a meeting.
And it was like some sort of convention. I can't
remember exactly what it was, but it was a thing,
an event, and and I was wearing a suit, and

(17:33):
I looked down and I was wearing one black shoe
and one brown shoe, you know. And it never happened
to me before, but I was wearing one. It was
like eleven o'clock in the morning. So what passed through
my mind was, Uh, it's a half an hour before

(17:53):
the meeting. I can run over the bird eyes. Maybe
maybe it would have been really a dash. Spend a
couple hundred dollars, buy a nice pair of black loafers,
you know what I mean, and then walk in so
you know, people wouldn't notice, and or I could run
home twenty minutes and maybe you get the other black

(18:14):
shoe or whatever it is I could do that, and
it's a true story. You can make this stuff up.
And then all of a sudden I heard this voice,
still small voice. He said, Russell, You're not your shoes.
You're not your car, You're not your shoes. So I
did the talk, and they called the talk. I'm not

(18:35):
my shoes. And I just told him the story. God
gave me a story, and I just told him about
how it feels to not worry about wearing black shoes
or brown shoes or stuff like that, which I think
had something to do with the disease of alcoholism. So
in anything, I digress. So and so, I mean, I'll
get around to what I want to talk about if

(18:56):
I can never remember what I want to talk about.
The bottom line is is that is that there's a
freedom to be had here that you may not lash
onto for a little while. You know, you may have
to go through about ten or fifteen or twenty years
like I did, of the buffets of this world, you know,
the repeated humiliations and final qrushing of self sufficiency. By

(19:19):
the way, the hits keep on happening. I don't want
you to think of forty How old am I forty
five years now old four years. I'm seventy six. I'm
seventy six. That's why I carry him around, you know,
seventy six. Oh by the way, my sobriety dad is January.
When do you remember? Why do I have to twenty?

(19:43):
I think it's twenty fifth, nineteen eighty one. But any
even I can tell you if you're looking for that
time in your life where you don't get humiliated or
buffeted or hit on the head or something like that,
it's not going to be around, you know. But that's good.
That's a good news because it just means you're still
in training to be a better teacher. So in any event,

(20:06):
what happened, we're going to say something. Okay, So in
any event, So the one thing I do have as
an experience, So this is my experience. Most people don't
stay sober. They don't. I mean, I don't want to
break their little hearts, but I'm just gonna tell you truth.
They don't stay sober most people drinking maybe one percent

(20:28):
people make them over twenty twenty five years. You know,
just look around, looking around and say how many people
have forty years? See how many people raise their hands
thirty five years. How many people raise their hands. I mean, listen,
you might as well know the truth. Most people drink.
I've seen them. I've seen him drink at thirty years.
I've seen him drink at twenty years. I've seen them
drinking eleven years. I've seen How about not drinking. There

(20:51):
are people that have twenty five years, thirty years. They're miserable,
they're lonely, they're desperate, and they've done all the steps.
You know how they say the reason the reason people
drinking is say don't go to meetings. Has bullshit. It's
not true. It's not true. There are plenty of people

(21:12):
that drink and go to meetings and drinking have gone
to meetings, they go out and they drink, they commit sue.
I've seen people commit sue. I saw a guy with
twenty seven years blow his brains out going to meetings,
going to meetings. I've just seen it. You know that.
You know when you've got when you've got a lot

(21:33):
of time to look at people and see what's going on.
You see there's not a lot of people that make it.
And now the people that make it, if you call
making it not drinking, there's a lot of people that
don't drink and are miserable, that are restless, are era
bull or disk intent, discontented. There's a lot of people
that sort of miss THEMRK. You know, maybe whenever I'm

(21:54):
talking to a group like this, I know there's somebody
there with eleven years who's going to drink in six months.
He doesn't know it. He doesn't know it, he doesn't
believe it, he doesn't think it's gonna happen. It's gonna
happen because for whatever reason, it has the thing, whatever
the thing is. This is what Bacto doctor Bob said.
There's some hints. There's hints in the Big Book. Yeah,

(22:16):
there's a there's a hint for you if you're an atheist, agnostic,
or have some sort of intellectual pride that keeps you
from understanding what we're trying to tell you. I feel
sorry for you. Your heavily father will never let you down.
That's a hint. That's a hint. I mean there's something
in there. If you dig real deep and you're real smart,
you'll figure it out. Or maybe if you're real stupid,
you'll fully figure it out. Or maybe you get up

(22:38):
rid of ther old ideas you know, we gotta, we gotta.
This is like a selfling over love of him. Every
three years, the booze comes in, which is our greatest friend.
Actually alcohol is our greatest friend. If it wasn't for alcohol,
you have any idea what this room would look like fight.

(23:00):
So every three years the alcohol comes through and cleans
out all the fucking bullshit, all the wise guys, all
the guys that say, I ain't getting on my knees.
I don't want to hear this guy you think is
wipe out. They go to prison, they get killed and
everything like that. I'm crawling in and all and they
stop saying. Yes, but if only you don't understand, he

(23:25):
comes in, So I've seen him, I've seen it happen.
I look. One of the interesting things of growing older
in alcoholics anonymous is people start calling you up. Who
have thirty years? Yeah, you got ten years. You get
guys with five or six or seven years. They call you,
you got fifteen years, Yet guys with six, seven, eight,
nine years for you, you get twenty years. You get
guys like twelve years. They call you. You'd be a sponsor.

(23:48):
You guys gotta have thirty thirty five years they're unhappy.
So I even know the guys that make it with
time are not happy, you know. And I love my
sponsor says, speak to everybody like to have a broken heart,
because they probably do. And I love my whole life.
I have no bucket list. Trust me, I've done all

(24:08):
the bullshit, all the cruises, all the things, whatever it is.
I'm sure there's a lot of things that haven't done.
I don't sit around saying, man, you know, if I'm
gonna die, Oh if I've only went to Colorado, I'm
gonna die. Oh if I only aided that restaurant everything,
Oh if I can only have that car. I have
no bucket list. My only bucket list is you. You're

(24:35):
my bucket list. Just one more meeting, just one more alcoholic,
just one more person to help, just one more person
to serve, just one more person to share what the
Lord has done for me. That's my bucket list. And
you know, I can't tell you how incredibly excited I

(24:55):
am with that deal. And that's not the way I
was when my Bible was Playboy Magazine. I was hanging
around the bars. So I got a story for you.
Stories are good, Alki's like stories. So this is a story.
I said, so my spont'or when I was three months sober.

(25:21):
By the way, I was gonna say, so, I've done
all the steps and everything like that kind of stuff
I could teach the steps, say, I get, but you know,
you know what you could do. You could and and
that's not it's not wrong for doing that. I'm glad
there are people that do that. A guy called me
if I says, could you too? Do you know somebody
who's takes me through the steps in two days? I
said absolutely, I said, cod to this meeting. There's a
lot of people from b yoc bring your own coffee.

(25:43):
They're all there. They're mostly from New York, from all over,
and they specialized in taking new people through the steps
in two days. I said, you go to this meeting,
I'll introduce you to them. They'll take you through the
steps in two days and then you can leave and
have a good time. Whatever you want to do is
you want to get through them. And there's nothing wrong
with that. Again, you know, but there are people that
I said, that's gonna be my deal, But I mean
I used to do that. There's nothing wrong with that,

(26:04):
nothing wrong with any of that stuff. I'm not putting
down stuff. I'm just telling you some stuff that I've learned,
you know, in the last forty five years, you know.
And so I mean I've changed. I couldn't give this talk.
And I'm not the person I was when I had
five days. I'm not the person I was when I
had five years, and not the person I was when
I had fifteen years or twenty person I am today

(26:25):
with the forty five you know what I mean. So
I'm gonna share with you my experience of five I'm
not going to talk to you, down to you and
make believe like I have three months so that you
like me. I'm going to talk about what I and
you'll pick up whatever you're going to pick up. And
that's the deal. So my sponsor took me to this meeting.
There was this guy sharing doing the meeting speaking named
Al Kennedy. And in the Big Book and Alcoholics Anoymous

(26:50):
number three, the man on the bet Bill Dotson. He's
got in the bed. You know, Doctor Bob and Bill
Wilson were sitting there if you've seen that picture, and
Bill Wilson had the Bible in the saying because that's
what they use. If you ask Bob Smith, what's a
all about it, he says, it's all about the Holy Bible.
What's first things first about seek first the King God

(27:11):
and his righteousness, and all things be, all things will
be given to you. It was all about the Lord,
alls about the Bible, all about the deal. I mean hate.
You're in touch your own opinions. Should just not untouch
your own facts. That's what the big book's all about. Now,
if you read the Bible and you study the books
that they were studying and what they were using at
that time, you would see that. But if you don't,

(27:31):
you think it's some sort of original work. But it's
the same. Power. He says, we lack power. There is
one who has well, we lacked power. This whole thing
is about getting power somehow, getting power. Well, by the way,
I just want to let you know some just because
you know there is one who has all power, that

(27:53):
one is God. Now you find him. Now, have you
guys ever read that anywhere? Let me explain something to you.
I'm just my opinion. When you read that chapter, how
it works, and you see there is one who has
all power, that one is God. May you find him?

(28:19):
Now it's after that statement they say, here are the
steps we took in order to find that power. Ninety
percent of the people in alcoholics anonymous take the steps
that worship the steps. They say, the steps are the tools,
the hammer. You're building a spiritual house, a temple within yourself,

(28:45):
to be separated from the kindergarden kids, from the boys
into the men. And in the sixth step they even
say it, this is the step that separates the men
from the boys. And a clergyman told us what that
means is we are trying to grow in the image
and likeness of God. And if you don't have an

(29:07):
image of God and you know who he is or
what he is, then how can you grow in his image?
You're just making up shit as you go along God.
As you understanding the imaginary God leads to imaginary sobriety
leads to whatever you want to do. It leads to

(29:28):
the God that allows you to get away with all
sorts of shit. Alcoholics are undisciplined, so we allow God
to discipline us. That's how it works. We're like children.
That's why people hate God because he's got rules. He's
got rules, and they hate people that tell people. You listen,
there are rules to the yame. You're gonna have to
follow the rules. You know, no suggestions. I did what

(29:52):
I was ordered to do. That's what's kind of room
master said. So my sponsor takes me to this meeting.
Oh wait, I do that. I gotta go back. So
alcohols Number three. Bill Dotson, the man on the bed.
He says, I wanted the program. I really wanted it.
Go ahead and read it. But I noticed that I

(30:17):
was missing something. I was something missing. And what I
noticed is that there was some sort of release, some
sort of happiness, some sort of joy some of these
people had that I didn't have. I wasn't drinking, but
I didn't know what it was. I was looking for
the answer. One day, Bill was over at my house
and we're reading lunch. I usually added in two and

(30:37):
the fish sandwiches on over there eating. But they're eating lunch.
And imagine this Bill Wilson is sitting there. This is
right after he get out of the bed. So this
is the God of the Bible, of the God of
the Founder, the God of the prophets. What he's like
into the god thing I wanted God? And he showed
up this is the god of the prophets. The Ducks says,

(30:57):
I don't know what you got. You know what he
gott what doctor Young was talking about that's been going
on for thousands of years, not because they read the
Big Book, because they're reading some other stuff and doing
some other things. You know, he got that. But then
you know what he said. He said, but worldly clamors,
worldly clamorers, you know what those are. Those are the
things you're feast on every day. And you see on
team worldly cloud blocked him out. I didn't see him.

(31:23):
So he goes over to this house and guy's trying
to figure out what the answer is how they got
this release. And this is what Bill Wilson says. This
is big book stuff. I mean, I know you guys
think maybe I'm not into the big with his big
book stuff, he says. He says, h Henrietta, that was
what's the Face's wife? He says, The Lord has been

(31:43):
so one. Yeah, he used the word lord. There was
nobody there to tell me he was killing newcomers. He said,
the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me
of this terrible disease that I have to keep on
talking about him. I can't stop talking about at him.
I can't stop talking about him and telling other people

(32:06):
what he's done for me and what Bill Dotson says.
He said, I got the answer. I got the answer.
Bill Wilson was very very grateful for his sobriety, and
he gave all credit to God. He gave all credit
to God. That statement that the Lord has been so
wonderful to me sharing me of this terrible disease. It's

(32:30):
so incredible that I got it. I can't stop talking
about it. I got to tell other people. I called
that the gold that is called the Golden Text of AA.
Some of these guys come up to you and tell
you not to talk about God because you're killing newcomers.
They're killing you. That's not A. That's not my AA.

(32:53):
My AA is nineteen thirty five to nineteen thirty nine,
nineteen forty eight. That's not A. As a matter of fact,
if I don't talk about God, I know I'm killing people.
If I don't talk about what this program is all about,
and I don't talk about God and doctor Bob the goldtovers,
I'm killing people. What I'm telling them is you can
do this without God. And those are the people that

(33:14):
wind up really good on the steps, really good on
the steps, but they haven't found the power by which
they could live. See, there is one who has all power,
and that one is God. Now you find them now.
And then they say, here's the steps which will get
you there. So they do all the steps and go

(33:35):
to all the meetings, they go to all the parties,
but unfortunately they don't get the results. I want to
talk about the results. You'll end up doing the steps.
You'll do the steps. If you want the results. You'll
find a sponsor that will help you do it. You'll
go to meetings where they're talking about it. You won't

(33:56):
hang out with people you know who are not talking
about it. You'll recognize what's true and what's real, and
what's genuine and what's phony. What's people trying to stay
sober on their own power, using their own brand. So
so what happened was we got doctor uh. So I

(34:17):
go to this meeting. There's Al Kennedy there, and this
guy Al Kennedy had about forty years and he's doing
the meeting. He's an incredible talk He's just he's a
man's man. He is I can't explain to he's talking
to people, and he looked like he was like in
his living room, like it was one on one. He
was so confidentle on his skin and he was uplifting
people and loving on people. And after he was done,

(34:39):
I was so I so love the guy. You know,
be with him, You ever with somebody that you just well,
it's like what they said about Jesus have to do
the Sermon on Them out, which is one of the
books that he found absolutely sent necessary. After he was done,
he said, and the people were amazed because he spoke
with authority. He spoke it like he knew it, like

(35:00):
he lived in like he didn't even get it out
of a book. Like there was something about him, you know,
you know, no priestense, no bullshit. You know. It was
like what you see is what you get. And I
said to my sponsor, Bob someone, and I said, man,
what meetings does he go to? So I want to
hang around him? And he said to me, you got
to understand, my sponsor, I'll tell you a little bit
more about it later on to say he says, and

(35:20):
he said, well, he's dying. See. I asked him what
meaning is he going to do? And he says, he says, well,
you know, he's dying. So I thought he didn't really
understand what I was talking about. And he was always
sarcastic with me. So I mean, I said, no, no, no, no,
I'm talking about the guy who just see the meaning
of that guy Al Kennedy. And he said, yeah, he's dying.

(35:40):
I said, what I mean, he's dying. He's dying. He
didn't say he's dying, he says. He says he was
just up there helping people. He was the happiest guy
in the room. He was just he was just a
great shape. And he said, Russ, I said, I understand
that he didn't say anything about dying, but he's dying.
He's got six months to live. And then I'll tell

(36:01):
you something. I saw that when I had about a
few months sobriety, and my whole brain exploded. I don't
know whether anybody else knew that. There were probably other people.
I don't know whether anybody else said, well, I like
that guy el Key, you know he's dying. Maybe some
people do, maybe because you wouldn't. I'll tell you what,
if I had a hangnail, that's good for ten meetings.
You know what, I mean, if I got any problem
at all, I'm taking I'm telling everybody to get it

(36:22):
off my chest and let people know and everything, because
that's going to be the cure. This guy is dying
and he's the happiest guy in the room, and you
know what I saw. You know, you walk in and
you want to stop drinking. You see a whole bunch
of people stop drinking, and you want what they have,
and you want to go to any length to get it.
And I saw a guy in dal Kennedy who was
dying and was happier than anybody in the room, and

(36:42):
he was trying to help other people. And I saw
something I wanted when anything else, I was willing to
go to any length to get it. And I wanted
what el Kennedy had. And I didn't even know what
he had. I didn't know what he had, but I
wanted what I saw, something that it's different than just
not drinking. Six months later, Al Kennedy was dead. Six

(37:07):
months later, Al Kennedy was dead. I saw that. And
if you hang around for forty five years, let me
tell you something, You're gonna see people like al Kennedy.
You're gonna see people and I'm gonna tell you something.
They are rare. They are rare. You'll see people like
Al Kennedy. I've known a lot. I've actually known a

(37:29):
lot of people like Al Kennedy. They're happy on their deathbed,
they're helping people. Then you know it's because it's not
about that with them. Their life is on a different basis.
They're on a different deal. I understand. But because and somehow,
and I can't even explain how it happens. But I

(37:49):
can tell you this, And this is the only thing
I can tell you, because it's not the kind of
thing where you can make it happen. I don't know
how to explain to you. It's not like I mean,
I guess you can, but you can't. I don't know
how it is. All I know is that it happens
to some people. Many are call but if you are chosen,
happens to some people and some people doesn't happen to
But I think it has. I think Bill Wilson was right.
If you want God enough, he'll come. But if you

(38:12):
want God enough, you'll do what you know. My sponsor
said to me when I first met me, said, here's
a twenty four hour book. Every morning, once you get
down on your knees and ask God's help to stay sober.
He didn't ask you whether I believe in God. He
just said, that's what you do. And I did it
for twenty years. You know, I did it for twenty years.
I read the twenty four hour Book. I love twenty
four hour books because it quotes the Bible and it

(38:34):
quotes the Big Book. I love it because it has
the basic material in it. Did I make it happen?
I don't know where they made it happen, but I was.
I was loyal to it. I did what I was
told to do. Sometimes the key is running to the people,
and they tell you what to do in your follow directions,
even if you don't believe in the directions. And then

(38:57):
I had a another story. I call people like, I'm
not going to tell this story, it's too long. I
call miners where they've hit the mother load. It's not
just they've hit the mother load. It's not being physically sober.
It's a whole different deal. They've been rocking in the

(39:20):
fourth dimension, says it exists as they experienced it. They're
at no peace, you know, and it's not they seem
so together that you think, well, these guys don't have
any problems, and they can be dying of cancer or
broke or living and hopefully you wouldn't know the difference
because because how they are inside. They're inside because their house,
their spiritual house, is built on a rock. It's not

(39:43):
built on step four. You tell a god how many
times I don't know how many times you guys have
been sitting around the bed where a guy is dying
of cancer. And I'll tell you, I've been with people
that are dying of cancer and they don't know anything
about God, and it's the scary think you you never
want to be that deal. And I've seen people die

(40:03):
of cancer and they know the Lord and you might
know something. They're finer than I would be. You just
tell those people when you're sitting around, just tell them
to do step four. Just do them step five. Just man,
you don't want to be playing catch up on that shit,
you know what I mean, trying to figure out how
to do it. You want to have that stuff all
the packed away, you know what I mean already and

(40:25):
you're duffel bag ready to go that kind of thing.
I know, this isn't like a talk you here in
an a room, right, Well, this is the deal, this
is what you shoot for. This is what the steps
are all about. What's the point of doing the steps
if you can't get to that deal? You know, just
so you can say, I'm nineteen years now, you haven't
had a drink. I'm trying. What happens after that? Is

(40:47):
that all there is? I got twenty four, I've got
thirty years. I haven't had a drink. I'm still feeling
sorry for myself. I'm still worrying even whether you get
a new pair of shoes, I still need to I
still need to spend more money than I make that
I don't even have to impress people I don't even like.
I'm still worried about what kind of car I have
to I haven't still left about driving a new car.

(41:07):
I still get it on the scale because I'm worried
about that. I'm too fat, because I'm worried about what
people think about me. I'm still trying to get late.
What is life all about for you? Being seventeen years
old again acting like a fifteen year old Playboy magazine scoring?
What is it? Look at that gall in the front row,

(41:28):
what does that deal. What is the thing that moves you?
Getting stuff, having stuff, being popular, people liking you? You
know the danger? Worried about what people like? You then
get all bent out of shape if you think people
don't like you, and that's because you don't have any courage,

(41:50):
You don't have any self esteem. You're empty inside. See
I read a book where it says, we never apologize
for God. Why should I apologize for you talking about God?
We never apologize for God. All meta faith have courage.
Men who don't have a faith or talents. All meta
faith have courage. They trust their God instead. You know
what they do. They let them demonstrate in their lives

(42:11):
through their testimone what He has done for that at
one staying in dot fear, You will never outgrow fear
unless you give your entire life to God and abandon
yourself to God. It's very simple. If you understand this stuff,
You understand these sentences that seem to come out of nowhere,
that seemed to mean nothing. You're sitting in the meeting.
You don't want to talk about God and what God

(42:32):
has said to you done for you. You're sitting in
the meeting. You're talking. Now, Listen, I get it because
I went for ten years not doing that, you know,
and not even understand there's a problem, because you know, denial.
It's not just a river of nature. You can be
denial about alcohol. You can be a dial about being
scared of other people. So you're in a meeting and

(42:53):
he said, you know, I just saw this guy and
he talked about God, and I really up to God's stuff.
And all of a sudden you say, and you hear
it's something, you want to say it, you want to
share it, And all of a sudden you say, now
now I'm not going to share it. And you're not
gonna share this? Say none, not at this meeting. They
wouldn't understand. They wouldn't like that somebody would come up
to me and blah blah blah. So you don't share
what you're thinking about God because you're scared of what

(43:17):
other people think about you. I just want to let
you know something that's not unusual in AA, because that's
part and parcel disease that's a bondage, and the disease
that's as strong a bondage, maybe even stronger, that survives
the alcohol. When when the out the drinking is to
relieve you of the concern of other people. You walk

(43:38):
in to the bar. Should I asked that going to dance? Well,
they really like me. What will the group think about them?
You have a couple of shots of scotch. You feel
like you're own the freaking group. Okay, you'll ask anybody
to dance. Okay, you know it doesn't it don't matter. Okay,
that's what alcohol does for you. But when you remove
the alcohol, you're back to being scared shitless of everybody,
like you've been ever since you were ten years old.

(44:00):
Now let me tell you what the deal is. Now.
I hate to say this. There's a quick cluck pro
club quote. You know, if you can't talk about God
with a book in your hand where every other page
is about God, where it's just the one it's all
allow that's God, where there's steps on the wall that
talk about God, if you can't talk about it but
God in a group like that, because you're worried about

(44:23):
what other people think about you, don't ever believe that
you will ever be able to lose fear of other people.
It doesn't work that way. When you start talking about
God and believe it in God and believing that the
only thing. There's only one thing you need to know

(44:45):
in AA, there's only one thing you need to know,
that there's one who has all power, and that one
is God. Once you know that, everything else falls into
the place. You can do the steps into the cow
come home. If you finished doing the steps and you
teach the step and talking about the people, how well
you did the steps and you're so worried about talking

(45:08):
about God because you're worried about what other people think
about you. You're not sober, not in my book. You're
not sober now. I'm not gonna put you down. You
know what I mean because I went through a lot
of crapt This isn't like I was three months sober
and I understood this. This is like I was twenty
years sober and I'm just telling Look, am I harsh? Yeah?

(45:30):
I'm harsh. You know why I'm harsh because alcoholics need harsh,
they need draft them because the truth of the matter
is we're tough people and we're defined and that's the
major deal in our lives. That's the number one thing,
you know, The number one it says, uh defect of
alcoholics is that we're defiant. Man, you know, people need

(45:51):
to I need. I had tough sponsors who loved me,
but it seems every time they were gonna give me
the medicine, they had to kick me in the ass,
and they called me. They had nicknames from me like
stupid and Niggli said, listen, stupid, you know, well, why
don't you go out and drink. I mean they were mean,
you know something, but I remember everything that you said that.

(46:13):
It's like when you go to the doctor and he says,
I have to give you a shot. He says, now,
this is going to pinch, but then the medicine. You
know what I mean, that's how we get it. It
pinches and then you get the medicine. It slapped around
a little bit. But somehow I knew they loved me.
I knew they cared about it. They spent time talking
to me, because if they didn't, given my background, I
would have started saying things like you don't understand or

(46:35):
listen to the story behind that, but there's the reason
I did that, or you're wrong or something. I would
have argued with them. You didn't argue with these guys,
you know, so you don't talk about God because you're
worried about whether somebody will like you or not. Maybe
they'll leave the meeting to go where where are They're

(47:01):
gonna go, Lenna, go drink. What's gonna happen? Then they're
gonna come back. You're gonna talk, They're gonna You're gonna
tell you a sponsor about God, and maybe he'll be
mad at you and he'll walk out, and maybe he'll Oh,
God forbid. What if he tells other people that you're
a terrible sponsor and you talked about God? What if
somebody says, what if he drinks and somebody says to him,

(47:22):
why did you drink? He says, my sponsor talk to
me about God and that made me drink? Then what
will other people think about you? Well, if he says
that to anybody who's actually sober, they'll think he's full
of shit. You know, what are you worried about? You
don't even know what you're worried about, do you? Because
you can't even see your alcoholism even as you have it.

(47:43):
You can't even see the true alcoholism, just like you
couldn't see it when you were drinking. You can't see
the true alcoholism when you even while you're even thinking.
You can't see it in your brain because you don't
consider that alcoholism. It's just the way you are, It's
just your personality. I'll I told my sponsor one time,

(48:06):
he said, why do you do the crap you do? Bruss?
Why do you say this stuff? You say? I mean,
why do you do it? And I said to him,
I said, I said, I had like about four or
five and said, that's just my personality. Says what your
personality is killing? You need to get rid of it.
I said, I thought, my cap, I don't like my personality.
You know what I mean? He says, your personality? How
do you listen? I knew how to stop drinking. How

(48:27):
do you get a new personality? I mean, how do
you do that? Why can't you be like a brother, Jeffrey?
How do you do Jeffrey? I do know how to
do Jeffrey? You know? And how do you do that?
I'll tell you how you do it? You hang around
people that are doing it, you know. I believe the
man and woman you'll become the next five years will

(48:49):
depend upon the people you hang out with in the
books you read, and the books you read will depend
upon who you hang out with and things you hear
will depend upon who you hang out with. And I
believe I see it on the Zoom meetings alt time.
These people come in with three days three days, and
after three months with hanging around the people and those
meetings and what they're talking about. I swear to god,

(49:11):
they sound like they have twenty years. They are like
so solid it's unbelievable. And then some guy comes up
to me and says, well, blah blah blah, I watch
you be on a sponsor. I said, well, this is
what I do want you come to these meetings, these
Zoom meanings come around. You're gonna hang out with us everything.
He says, I don't like ZOOM. I said, okay, then
don't that was set you know, then don't okay, do

(49:33):
what you want to do, right, Thank you very much