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September 26, 2025 • 52 mins
Russell S. Session 3: Step Series at Life Is Good Group, Boca Raton FL - 9/25/2025
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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Guys, my name is Russell Spats. I'm an alcoholic. I'm
not should have a drinking or have I since January
twenty fifth, nineteen eighty one. And it's great pleasure to
be here. As you can see now, this is the
third session, right, we're calling these sessions, not even talk
its third session, and not even put titles on these
because nobody has any idea what I'm doing. Okay, So theoretically,

(00:25):
if we were actually at a step series, this would
be on the third step. Some of you who some
of you thinks since I have the big book open,
you're thinking, there's a possibility, there's a hope in your
heart that I might talk about the third step. And
then and then there's the other people that actually know me.

(00:49):
It might be in there. It might be in there
somewhere you might have to dig for it. Why should
I do all the work? Why should I do all
the work? I mean, you got people here that have
thirty we got people that got one year, We've got
people at six months, we've got people that got ten years.
Why should I have to do all the work on
the Why don't I just be honest with you and

(01:11):
tell you a little bit about my story. Why don't
I do what the big book says. You know, I
have this theory that there is a God who exists.
I love him and I know who he is. And
what I do is before I come here, before I speak,
I just ask him to take over. I just ask
God to take over and show up. And you know,

(01:33):
just whatever comes out of my mouth, let it be
whatever you want to come out of my mouth. And
whatever you hear may not be the same thing as
the person sitting next to you. This could depend upon
your experience. So some guy in the back of the
room thinks he hears me, he hears me say something,
and somehow, some way, it's sort of some sort of
little nuclear explosion goes off and he thinks I'm talking

(01:55):
about Step seven and somebody else that happens. They think
I'm talking about Step twelve. It hit and it's going
all over the place. And you don't even remember the
whole talk. I don't remember the whole talk. You remember
like one line, and the line you remember may not
even be something that I was even thinking about. So

(02:17):
why am I going to force it. I'll just do
what they tell me to do in the book. They
say each alcohol in his own language and from his
own point of view, talks about how he developed his
relationship with God. That I think would sort of cover.
I think that would sort of cover the waterfront, don't you.
They probably cover step three for some of you guys

(02:39):
who probably cover Step six some people, and for some
of you guys who will cover Step fourteen and fifteen.
Other people will just get all pissed off because they'll
think I'm destroy I'm destroying alcoholics anonymous. Yeah. So anyway,
so let's just see where this thing goes. I want

(02:59):
to read some I'm out of the big book, Okay,
just whatever. I'm just gonna just saying this was. Uh,
I'm like really big on the on founders a what
I call this founder's a. You know, I'm not not
on everything against the traditions. Is there a child being

(03:23):
kidnapped or something? Is that ignored? The Amber alert? It's okay.
I thought I thought damn alert was because I was
talking about it. I wonder if they ever catch people
with that, you know, I'd be great. If they do not,
then well and then in any event, So, uh, I'm

(03:46):
going to talk a little bit about my story, my
testimony it's not your story, it's my story. Uh, and
it's gonna be different. It's gonna be different because it's flat.
This is the first time I've ever ever told this
story ever. You know how I know that because what's

(04:13):
today's day, twenty fifth of September. It's the twenty fifth
of September, and so this is the story I'm telling
on twenty fifth of September. Yeah, I couldn't tell his
story on the twenty fourth. And I couldn't tell this
story five years ago, and the story was different twenty

(04:33):
years ago. The story was different when I act three
years because I'm not the same person I was a
week ago. I'm not the same person. I could not
have told this story a wee could go. As a
matter of fact, we've got here. I told I'm sure
whatever story I told you was about me, it was
probably about God. And I'm sure it was a different

(04:56):
story and not necessarily a bad story. Ago I'm sure
it was a different story. But I think the way
this thing works is as you grow and as you evolve,
and as you get repeated humiliations and depressing of your
self sufficiency, I think it changes your perspective. So my
perspective tonight on what actually happened to me in this deal,

(05:19):
how I got to a point where I'm at right now,
which may have something to do with God. And the
third step, whether the eleven step or the seventh step,
or the sixth step, twelve step or all the steps,
they all have some do with humility or something. That's
what it says in the seventh step, you know. So
it's going to be different than anything I've ever spoken

(05:42):
about before. Because on the way up here, even though
I don't plan it, I was sort of thinking about
my life. You know. I got a bed two weeks ago,
and I had this happenly two years before this. By
the year before this, I had You remember when you
were drinking you ever lie down in the bed and

(06:03):
bed spinning? You remember the bed spinning? You put anybody
have that bed spinning, Neil and you put your foot down.
So about a year and a half ago or something
like that, I had got I got it, and I
had to have vertical. I'm seventy six years old. It's
over trouble for me. So I got I got up,
and I had vertigo. Because I don't know how many

(06:23):
people who've ever had vertigo. For some people as they
get older, they get that stuff, you know, and I had.
I mean, it's a scary thing when you get off
and you and you fall down, you crash into a
wall and you fall down because you can't stand. You
can't unless you've been there. And don't worry. I want to.
I have some great news feet. There is some shit

(06:45):
going to happen to you. It's going to be exciting.
I'm telling you it's going to be exciting. If you think
the world is crazy, you think that you got to
bath all this stuff, you have no idea what's about
to happen to you. Guys, you know you put on
a years it's gonna be good stuff. They didn't know
through six weeks of radiation therapy. It's gonna be some
good deals going on. And and I mean that I'm

(07:10):
not being sarcastic. It's gonna be good for you. Well,
it's gonna be good for some of you. It's gonna
be good for believers. It's not gonna be good for
non blums. Just trust me out that. You know, I've
seen a lot. I've seen a lot, and you know
it's that commercial that insurance commercially says, we know a
lot because we've seen a lot. I've seen him lot.

(07:32):
I've seen him die as believers. I've seen him die
as non believers. I know what the deal is. So
but I want to tell you. So I woke up
about a week ago and I got that deal again
by pressing. And I can't stand. I can't walk, I
have no balance. So I said, ah, came back to
visit me again. Here it is again, you know. And

(07:57):
and then but I I what happened was I h
the next day it got a little bit better, and
then it got a little better, and then it sort
of sort of hang. He's like hanging around. Not so bad,
you know. It's just every once in a while I
do I do well. I can walk, but every once
in a while I just fall into a wall or something.
You know that it's hard to explain that you've been there.

(08:18):
And uh, it's not a bad deal. You know. It
steals gun, you know. And I happen to tell I
happen to enjoy it in a weird way. And I'll
tell you why I enjoy it, which somebody will understand. See,
I have, you know, in the sixth step one of
the things that says that happens to you is you

(08:43):
you will do anything. You will do anything and get
rid of anything so that you can somehow grow in
the image and likeness if you're creating. That's what it's
all about. It's a a well move thirty minute, a
thought that up. You know, he said. The thing that
separates the men from the boys and the women from

(09:04):
the girlies, you know, it separates out the adults is
the adults finally get to a point in their life
where where the great fact means something. That's the rocking
ship ride, where you're rocking in the fourth dimension existence.
It's not just not drinking and putting down not drinking,

(09:26):
you know, it's not just not drinking, and it's it's
being rocket into some sort of fourth dimension of existence.
Whatever that is. Knowing heaven and knowing peace. Piece of Vertebra,
peace in cancer, peace and cancer. What good is peace?
If cancer would interrupt it? What's good with? What's good about?

(09:51):
What's so big deal about peace? If being law on
money interrupts it? You know, I'm not the piece beyond
all understand anywhere. It doesn't have anything to do with
my circumstances. You see, if you're an alcoholic and you're
in AA, maybe for a few years or three or four,
ten years or whatever, you're in A you know that

(10:11):
even though you're not drinking and you have periods where
you feel good, you also know about the three o'clock
in the morning when you're scared, crap list. You also
know about the anxiety that goes along with sobriety. I'm
talking about which goes along with physical sobriety when you're
dealing with life and the rest into the world, and
you got and you're scared, and you don't know what

(10:32):
you're gonna do, and you're overwhelmed with fear, or you're lonely,
or you don't know where to turn or anything like that.
But you're not drinking, and you're going to meetings, and
you go to meetings just to not only not drinking,
but just to survive. All you says, I need this meeting.
You don't need this meaning necessarily because you're gonna drink,
although that's a possibility. You need something besides cocaine. Now

(10:57):
wanna a drop? You need something so that you won't
blow your brains out. And that's for some people, For
many many years. That's sobriety. It's not a bad thing.
It's not a good thing. It's a day. Had a
guy called me up. I get a lot of people
that called me up. They called me up. He called

(11:21):
me up with a problem, and he told me the problem.
He's got seven years he has a problem. He told
me the problem, you know, and I recognized the problem.
He was very distressed about the problem, about the difficulty
that he's going through. And the reason I know about
the problems because I had a problem. I had a
for years and I know, and I've been called by

(11:46):
hundreds of men of the last forty five years who
had the same problem. But it was a big deal.
You know. Sometimes when you have a problem, it's a
big deal. And so he told him about the problem.
Then he shared it with me. I said, so what's
the problem? He said, Well, what do you mean what's

(12:06):
the problem? I He says, well, yeah, I had that problem.
I can I've had one thousand and two thousand men
that have called me up with that problem. I understand
about the problem. So what's the problem. Oh, you thought
you're the only one who had that problem. You thought
there's something wrong with you? And he says, no, No,

(12:27):
that's that's what happens at seven years. That's a seven
year problem. But I want to let you know one
day it's going to go away about twenty to twenty
five years, and you're not going to have it anymore,
but you're gonna be struggling with that problem, like the
Apostle Paul was struggling with his problem called the thorn

(12:48):
in his flesh. She had a problem yet we've never
we don't know of the Apostle Paul is for those
people that like their sayings perfect, lik him perfect. They
think it's that he was nearsighted. The Apostle ple said
his problem was was a gift from Satan. It was Satanic.
I don't think of anything it would be near sighted.
I think it was something else, you know what I mean.

(13:10):
I think I had something to do with with our
kind of deal. That's why he said. The Apostible all
said things like I do the things I don't want
to do. What I do with that things I don't
want to do. I don't do what a wretched band
of mine. Apparently of the Apostle Paul sometimes thought badly
about himself. He'd say, I'm such a jerk, but he

(13:31):
said it different He said it differently. What a wretched
man of mind, who's going to save me? You know
what I mean? So, so the truth of matter is,
if you're going to be sober and not drinking alcoholics anonymous,
you're going to go through the times in your life
and you're going to see some serious works and blemishes
that will not go away, that will not go away,

(13:56):
and you're gonna panic, and you're gonna think some of
you that are more religiously in cropline, I'm gonna think.
I'm not gonna go to heaven. I'm gonna be, but
you're gonna beat the crap out of yourself. And that's
not true. But it's nobody in heaven is if if
if you don't get into heaven un much you're perfect,
it's gonna be maybe a lot of empty space up there.

(14:16):
I can tell you that right now, empty space, okay.
And because that has nothing to do in my theology.
Got'ta talking on my theology. That's nothing to do with you. Yeah,
being good. It's nice to do good. So at event,
so when I read the Big Book at this stage
in my life, and it's been this way for many years.

(14:37):
Uh and I and when I think of the sixth step, now,
I didn't. I gotta be honest with honestly, I was
doing Steps series when I was five years sober. From
five years sober up to I've been doing Steps series
all over the place, and you know, speaking and doing
prevention stuff like that. I can be honest with you
and say, and I take a book and I undermine
him and I did them and I think people liked

(14:59):
it and everything like that. And I had no idea
what the step six, step six. When I was on
the Step six, I had no idea what that was about.
I had no idea what step seven. I mean, of
course I had an idea, but I really didn't. I
didn't know it like I know it now. Young some
what I'm saying, I didn't know step seven and step
six someone without the way I know it now now.

(15:21):
Of gotcha Louby to live In another ten years, I'll
probably be saying I didn't know it back then ten
years ago was the way I know it. Because you
grow and you change, and you see things and sometimes
you'll see a sentence, what is that line? A man
can see something or hear something nine hundred and ninety

(15:41):
nine times, and hear it for the and hear it
for the thousandth time, and hear it for the first one.
And sometimes you open up a big book at three
o'clock in the morning and you're twenty years sober, and
they're going through something, and you start reading something. All
of a sudden you see one line, one line, he said, Wow,

(16:02):
you must have read it a thousand times and changes
your whole life. And so that's so like the way
it is for me. I see things now and never
saw it before. And so I up. Thirty years ago,
I was walking into the Paul Gables group room. I
remember like it was just there. Some things you remember,
like was just there and there was a tense stand outside.
I was going to do a step chair. I was

(16:24):
doing a step series and I was going to the
room to do a stepshairs. I've walked there and this
kid was sitting there, you know, and he said, to you, Russell.
I said, yes, I'm Russell. He says, my sponsor says
you're a good speaker. I ought to listen to it, and
I said, oh, that's he says. He says, but he says,
you talk too much. About God, and well you should

(16:48):
see me now. It's gotten much worse. So apparently it
was pretty bad back then. It was pretty damn bad
back then. But it's like off the charts now. But
the old reason it's off the charts now is because
I've been I've been intensely hanging out with him more
for forty five years. I've been intensely relying on him

(17:09):
more for forty five years. He is the central fact
of my life. For thirty years. I am convinced that
lives in my heart and mind in a way which
is indeed miraculous, allowing me to do things that I
could never do for myself. So of course I talk
about them. You know, what would you expect? Well if

(17:33):
that Oh, by the way, those are QUO. That's not
an O ritual. Think to me, that's that's where you're
supposed to be, if you're doing the program of recovery.
That's those are quote straight out of the Big Book.
He says that, well, you got your program, and I
got my program, but you got no I got this
only one program. The program is you end up making

(17:55):
God the central fact of your life. That we have now,
there is one who has all power. That one is God,
that you find him now half measures avail us nothing
we stood at the turning point. We get up all
our old ideas. Whatever we think, it doesn't count. It
doesn't count. We reject the ideas of atheism, We reject

(18:20):
the ideas. These things must be abandoned, and we abandon
ourselves to God. That's alcoholics anonymous. We totally rely on God,
not necessarily on people that God. That's one says in
the last page when it finally sums up, Well, we
won't know you. It doesn't matter with you know us.

(18:42):
Real reliance has to be on God. He'll show you
how to break the fellowship you crave. And if you
have all that stuff going for you, what kind of
fellowship don't you think? You'll pray? You got to see
who the relationship with God is right, and great events
will happen to you, and you'll meet some of us

(19:04):
in the fellowship of the spirit, whatever that is. If
you gotta knew what that was it three years or
five years, or ten years or fifteen years, you know,
whatever it is. When you all these things they're saying,
get muddled up. Like Bill Wilson, and he said, he said,
you know what he said. He said. The first thing

(19:25):
he said is after he saw the light and the
whole thing, the room lit up, and he said, so
this is the god of the prophetce And then he said,
the that deal about the Lord has been so wonderful
to meet Trivia, this tuble disease. I gotta keep talking
about it and telling other people. And then he said,
but I wanted God so much, and he came, but

(19:45):
Sue his presence was blotted out, blotted out, Bill Wilson,
blotted out by World declamorates. Mostly it's been that way
ever since, up until I was twenty three years sober.
And then I start you in LSD, and then I
almost went down the tubes, and then finally I came
to some sort of epiphany, saying it's all in the

(20:08):
uh the Prayer of Saint Francis. And he wrote an
essay on it, emotional sobriety of the Next Frontier and saying,
these people I see old timers and they're dying. They're
dying like me. That's what he's saying. I'm talking about
Bill Wilson, and I've seen thousands of people Drake commit suicide.

(20:31):
The Miserable even if with twenty years in twenty five years.
I've seen it in AA, you know, I've seen it,
and I've seen miracles in AA where people just sort
of life all of a sudden, they get they do
it bill, they sort of come out of it. It's
almost like they're working on a different program. I thought,
we do meetings, I call them. I call them beginner's

(20:54):
meetings for old timers, you know, because if you can't
get asked, you don't drink and go to meeting steal.
What's gonna happen is you're gonna wind up in a
place where you're gonna be doing everything by growths over
and over again. You're gonna wind up like a like
a hamster on a wheel, and you're gonna somehow at
three o'clock in the morning and say to yourself, you're

(21:16):
gonna have about me valliant and you know something, You're
gonna be either bored or miserable or trying to figure
out is that old there is like the song. That's
what I've seen and that's what happened to me at
ten years, and that's what happened to many people. And
I say a lot of people drink so this is

(21:36):
what I talk about, you know, And so so I
want to read this one part and then I'm gonna
talk a little bit about my story that may have
something to do with step three or step six, or
step seven or step eleven, Step thirteen, fourteen or fifteen.

(21:56):
Don't worry about the tradition. So it'll be okay, they'll
be okay. You know, those guys had met when Bill
Wilson had fifteen years, so riety, they all that you
guys have been doing a business meeting. So they had
business meete Bill Wilson at fifteen years, there's a few
years before you start taking LSD. Everybody else have less
than fifteen years, and they came up in these traditions

(22:18):
and they're good. I'm not saying they're bad, you know
what I mean. But at twenty one years he had
At twenty one years and twenty two years, when he
was going down twos, he had a whole different idea
of what this thing was all about. And Doctor Bob
knew it because he went up the bill. Doc Bob
was supposed to send the bill. You're not only friends.
It was almost like they sponsored each other. He went

(22:39):
up Billy said, Bill last words. He said to them,
let's not screw this thing up. Let's keep it simple.
Doctor Bob socles, there's something, there's more. Let me do
this way. Believe it or not. There's more out there
for you than AA. Don't stop at AA. I mean,

(23:00):
I love AA. I'm a card triming member of A.
I qualify for an AA not but my AA is
it's kind of different, as you can tell. It's more
like the AA they were doing back in nineteen thirty
six at thirty five. You know when the books they
used between thirty five and thirty nine was the Holy

(23:22):
Bible and the rooms they found absolutely essential first for
these thirteen Sermonent on the Mount in the Book of James.
That's because that's what's in our literature. Did you know
that's in our literature? Did you know that the first
AA meeting was done by doctor Bob And what he
did was he read Sermon on the Mount Matthew five,

(23:43):
six and seven. Did you know that? And nobody walked
out of the room, and nobody said that's a violation
of the traditions. Did you know that? You know? Yeah, yeah,
there's a great wine by T. S. Eliot and he said,
we will not ces are searching. We'll keep on exploring,

(24:03):
but at the end of our searching, we'll come back
to the place where we began. Having known the place
for the first time, you'll run all over the planet
trying to figure out what the hell's wrong with you?
Why are you acting this way, why are you crazy?
You're going to meetings, what is happening, what is this
all about? What's it all about? Out You'll run all
over the planet, and in the end, if you're sober,

(24:25):
after being kind of a crack beat out of you,
you will come to maybe forty five years, maybe forty years,
maybe thirty, having known the place for the first time,
and all of a sudden, you'll start reading stuff in
the Big Book and it'll mean something completely different to you.
And what will be completely different to you is that
you'll be reading stuff and it will be all about God,

(24:47):
and you'll sort of figure this thing out. You'll like
doctor Bob's nightmare. If you're an atheist, an atheist agnostic,
I'm some sort of spiritual pride that keeps you from
what we're trying to tell you. I feel sorry for you.
Your heavenly father will never let you down. Oh, I
think he was serious. Maybe that's what this thing is

(25:07):
all about, an abiding convention in God. God. Either is
or is it? What's your decision going to be? You know,
maybe that's what this is all about, you know, rather,
I mean, I know it's all about the fourth step,
right to the great fourth Step, to the great fifth step.

(25:28):
Then tell people what your problems are, share, help other
people and everything. It's all right, all good to keep
you sober, intensive work with alcoholics. But maybe after all
those steps, maybe there is something else out there that
you really need to have. We'll call it the secret
ingredients that's all over and infuse in the Big Book.

(25:51):
But nobody seems to get it because whenever they start
to get it in an a room, somebody hits them
over the sad and says, don't talk talk about that shit.
You know. It's like the bucket of crabs, you know
where you know, if you ever go crabbing, I don't
go crabbing. This is one of my a friends. He says,

(26:12):
you go crabbing, you throw a crab into a bucket
and the crab will try to crawl out of the bucket.
But if you if you want to keep the crab
in the bucket, you get another crab and you're thrown
in the bucket with it, because as soon as the
first crab tries to crawl out, the second crab will
latch onto them pull them back down. And so that's say, hey,

(26:33):
as soon as you try to crawl out, So I
think about the God thinks, says, whoa, You've got to
kill new covers. So anyway, I don't even know a
little that now I don't know. So let me read
this one thing to you. So this is on being
forty two. This is Fred, This is nineteen thirty five,
thirty thirty six. Guys, here he is, he says. Two

(26:56):
of our members of alcoholics anonymous tink to see to me.
They grinned, which I didn't like as much, and then
asked me if I thought myself an alcohol and if
I was really licked this time. I had to conceive
both propositions. They pile up on me heaps of evidence

(27:17):
to the effect that an alcoholic mentality such as I
had exhibited Washington was a hopeless. Addition, they cited cases
out of their own experience by the dozen. The process
snuffed out the last flicker of convention that I could

(27:38):
do the job myself. And then it says this, Then
you might want to be interested in this. You should
be interested in this because this says to your life.
This says to your life, so you might want to
be interested in this. Okay. Then they outlined the spiritual

(27:59):
answer and program of action, which a hundred of them
have followed successfully. Would you like to know about that?
Would you like to know about the program of action
which one hundred of them followed successfully? Yeah? I mean
this might have to do with you, though I have

(28:20):
been only a nominal churchman. I mean, why would you
say that, such screen lizard? Although I not because I
had something to do with that, though I had been
only a nominal churchman. Their proposit, their proposals were not
intellectually pared to swallow. But now here's the deal I
want to point out to you of them, I'm closing
the book. But the program of action, though entirely sensible,

(28:45):
was pretty drastic. Dressed was pretty drastic. So what do
you think that meant? What do you think a drastic
program looks like? Well, let's put it this way. Between
nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, the only way

(29:06):
you could go to a meeting is if you walked
in and in front of everybody who was already in
the innaa, you had to get down on your knees
and give your life to God. Do you think you
guys think that's drastic. That's pretty drastic. It's not like
picking up a white chip. It's not like saying, anybody
want to pick up a white chip. It's not like,

(29:28):
I mean, you had to get down on your knees
for the meeting. They won't even let you in and
give your life to God. It's not like picking up
a white chip. It's not like some guys saying, anybody, Oh, well,
if you're shy, I'll put it out over here. And
it's not like that, right, It's like, you didn't have
to do that get in here, did you. That's pretty

(29:49):
drastic stuff, you know what I mean. Now, listen, there
was a way you could avoid doing that if you
did it by the hospital day, you know, because they'd
have you in the hospital for like a week or
two if you got down on your knees. Like uh,
the guy from Cleveland, Clarence the Brewmaster, when doctor Bob
came to he said, he said, first question was do

(30:11):
you believe in God? He says, well, what does that
have to do with it? He says, uh, everything everything.
He says, well, I guess I do. He says, guess nothing.
Guess nothing. You either believe or you don't believe. Well
I do. Now we're getting somewhere. Okay, get out of

(30:31):
bed and get in your knees. We're gonna pray. He says,
I don't know I pray. I guess you don't. But
that's okay. Just follow on with me. I'll tell you
what to say. And he got down at it in
knees and he he did what I guess you would
call the third step, but we called the third said,
this is before the first needing. They had you doing
this before the They were serious. They called it the surrender.
And you know what Clarence said. I love this statement

(30:53):
by Clarence. He said, I did what I was ordered
to do. There were no suggestion genus. Now, if we
did that today, if a was that today, okay, this group,
this room would have ten or fifteen people, ten or

(31:17):
fifteen people, but the conversation would be entirely different than
the I mean, it would be a completely different conversation,
a completely different focus, and the only thing you'd be
talking about is God, and nobody would be Nobody would
be standing up saying, well did that when I came in?

(31:38):
I would have come, I would have left, and no,
you wouldn't have even been in it. So I just
tell you, like, after forty five, I'm like sort of like,
I'm not like when you say, well, it violates traditions, Well,
I mean, or it's not confidence approved. There's there's no
book that's conference disapproved. The books that are conference approved

(32:00):
are published by AA. They make money on them, you
know what I mean. I'm not saying it's a bad thing,
you know. And it's uniform. It's like it's like McDonald's.
It's like McDonald A's like McDonald's. You understand what I'm saying.
Wherever you go, you're gonna get the same happy meal,
you know what I mean, which is okay. Many people

(32:23):
are sober today because it's like McDonald's. You understand what
I'm saying. The only problem is there's many old timers
that are drunk today. And I'm happy today because it's
like McDonald's. I mean, you can only me McDonald's so
much you gotta somehow get drafted there. So anyway, so

(32:44):
I got I did the third step right. How do
you do it? You get down on your knees. You know,
well I also did. I didn't the other way. They
said it with another person, and I did that. But
the way I did was I locked the door. I
told you, guys, I got down on my knees. I
said the prayer. I said the prayer, you know. And
you know, whether I believed it or I didn't believe it,

(33:05):
I think it was about a sincere as. I here's
the deal. I never remember thinking about God, talking about God,
worrying about God when I was hanging around the Albie
Loilene looking at the score. You know what I mean.
God had absolutely nothing do in my life prior to

(33:25):
thirty one years of age. After thirty one years of age,
I give day. My sponsor gave me a twenty four
hour book, said I want you to read it every day,
get down on your knees and ask God's help to
stay sober. I have no idea what I thought God was,
who he was, or what he wasn't or anything like that,
so I ain't putting down necessarily. You know this is

(33:45):
how I was raised. I guess. I mean, I think
they talked a little bit more about God forty years ago.
But I mean I may be wrong. Who knows. I
can barely remember stuff. But the point is is that's
what it was done for me from the beginning. From
the beginning, the sponsor I wanted that. I wanted what
he had, and what he had, of course, was Sobride.

(34:08):
I want tom. From the beginning, first thing he said
to me is, here's a twenty four hour book. If
you know anything about the twenty four hour book, what
it is. It's a combination of statements from the Big
Book and from the Holy Bible, and that's what they
used for many, many years. And that's what he is.

(34:28):
And so whether you like it or not or don't
like it, the vestiges of the Founder's AA went on
at least up until nineteen eighty because he was handing
me the twenty four hour book. Then we got daily reflections.
Then the Bible was gone, and the Bible was gone

(34:49):
because and they stopped selling the twenty four hour book
in the meetings. Why don't you sell it? It's been
used for thirty years because it's not confidence approved because
it's not conference approved. The Bible's not conference approved, you know.

(35:12):
I mean, it's just not confidence approved. So all the
old timers, all the guys in nineteen thirty, they did
it all wrong. We improved, We improved on what they
were doing. I know. It says, really IBN's seen Phil
who has thoroughly followed our path. But we improved their

(35:33):
path by getting rid of the god stuff because we
didn't want to hurt any newcomers, and therefore we consigned
them to death because he walked away from the program.
At least that's my opinion. That's my opinion. So you
can say, well, this guy's full shit. That's okay, doesn't
bother me, Okay. So I got down on my knees.

(35:54):
I said third step prayer. And the book says, once
you say that one time, one time, as we have
now done the third step. So that's it. You say
the third step per at one time. Now you've done
with the third step, and then you get to worry
about money, propul and prestige and romance for the next
twenty five years. But the thing is, I had a

(36:17):
sponsor because I do believe that the fellowship you hang
out with the people you hang out with will determine
where you're going to be in the next five years.
It's also a v album of the books you read.
The books you read will cut upon me you hang
out with. And my sponsor used the twenty four hour books.
So I used the twenty four hour books, and my
sponsor said, get down on your knees. So I got

(36:38):
down to my nyest set every day. And my sponsor
was into that deal, and so I got into that deal.
And the people he hung around was into that deal,
not even so much about the Bible, but about books
that talked about spiritual things that included the word the
Bible on there. So that's how I was raised. And

(37:01):
then my sponsor died and I got another sponsor who
was like my sponsor, but even more into the God thing.
You understand what I'm saying, More into God, more into
If you had a conversation with my sponsor about anything,
it would wind up with God. It would wind up

(37:23):
either praying to him or getting down on your knees
or what does this have to do with God? Or
you know, it would wind up with the God thing.
Now by that time, there's a little bit of a
problem now I'm running into a little bit of a
problem because I'm not really a god guy or anything
like that. In five years to see it, whatever it is,
I'm still I'm wrestling with the freaking world. I'm wrestling.
I'm the money. I mean, listen, God is nice, but

(37:45):
but I'm talking money, and I mean it's not important.
It's just right up there with oxygen, you know what
I mean. And you know I mean, I mean you
go to these people, you know, these old times, and
you say, well, what's your problem? I said, I don't
be money. I'm broke, I'm reaching four kids. I don't be money.
He says, So, so let me get this straight. Would
this problem be solved with money? So yeah, duh Yeah.

(38:07):
I said, well, if your problem is solved with money,
then it's not really a problem, is it. I said
what I said, Well, the problem is is when you
have a five year old child and that's dying of
cancer and money won't solve it, right, They said, yeah,
A problem is if if what ab about a problem
with money can't solve a life or death problem or

(38:30):
something that you know somebody's dying in your family, what
about that? What those are problems? Money? Comes to money goes,
you know what I mean. I mean, it's a bit
and you run into these people that are and it's
usually the God people because somehow they weather the storm
and they get through this. So what happens is now
I got a real problem because they're telling me to

(38:51):
pray all the time, and they're telling me to read
the Bible, and they told me to read other stuff
and doing this stuff. And here's the problem I have.
It's working. It's working now, it's working poorly. When I
say poorly, I still have anxiety. It's not like perfect
because the way I do it is I'm doing half measures.

(39:16):
Other words, I surrender, I do the surrender. That's what
they call the surrender. I surrender the God. I throw
in the towel and then I and then I grab
it back and I rip off strips. And I hope
that was satisfying, you know what I mean. It's like
he says, Oh yeah, it's all God, and then I
start thinking about the money again, Oh yeah, it's all God.

(39:37):
And then I'm started thinking, yeah, but what if this happens,
and what if that happens. I'm not I'm not haven't
really abandoned myself to God. I'm not I'm doing it,
but I'm not doing it in a drastic fashion because
I still have that other problem. I have that fear
of people in economic and security that hasn't gone away,

(39:58):
which is supposed to go It's supposed to go away.
I got nine years, I got ten years. How come
it hasn't gone away? And I didn't know there was
a linkage that that is the kind of stuff that
goes away when you abandon yourself to God and you surrender. See,
I didn't know there was a linkage. I thought, if
I just do the steps, I do a good step

(40:21):
four and good step five and a good step ten,
and I just help other people, I'll never be worried
about money. And if I just do the step four,
step five, Step six, step seven, I won't worry about
what people think about me. But it didn't not know
about you. But it didn't work that way with me.
You know, it didn't work that way with me. I
didn't know there was a connection between surrendering yourself to

(40:42):
God and joining the fellowship of the Spirit and being
all in and being totally free of worrying about what
people thought about you. Nobody ever explained it to them,
or if they did, I didn't hear it. And so
how can I surrender my self to God and talk
about God at meetings? Like I'm talking to you about

(41:04):
it right now, I'm going to do that in a
meeting if I'm worried about If I do it, you
won't like me? And how does that filter into my life?
If I can't talk about God in a meeting where
God is all over the book, all over the book,
If I can't talk about in a meeting, what does
that mean? What am I like outside? As far as

(41:25):
worrying about what people think about me, worrying about what
my boss thinks about me, worried about what the girl,
the guy thinks about me, worried about the world thinks
about me? Is that freedom? Or is that alcoholism? Is
that fear which is the crowes of threat? Is that
the way I want to live my life? Not drinking,
but it's being scared crapless or what you might think
about me, or what you're going to think about me,

(41:46):
or what are they going to think about me? My
house is foreclosed on or if things happen or whatever,
because life gets life eat you know what I mean?
And you can't, and you can't talk about God because
they lost. They'll tell you to leave the meeting or something.
And they probably won't, but you think they will. You know,
you understand what I'm saying. Nobody can talk about God. Listen,

(42:09):
I got news for you. I do conventions. I talk
about this stuff. They have pages of mind. They say,
would you come to our convention? I said, do you know?
Have you listened to my tapes? I'll send you. He says, oh, yeah, yeah,
we want you. I don't know. Apparently you can talk
about God in AA and some people not only like it,

(42:32):
they want it. I know you find that hard to believe.
It's true. But it has something to do with fear,
has something to but there's a connection. I don't know.
It's the secret ingredient that gets you passed. All the bullshit.
You understands. It's what they were doing in nineteen thirty five,

(42:54):
thirty six, thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine. So now
all of a sudden, I crash and burn. I crash.
This is what happened in my life. I crash and
burn in ten years. I don't drink. I do the
Bill Wilson thing. You know, I do the Bill Wilson
thing where I get depressed. I get very depressed. I'm
still going to meetings. I'm depressed and going to meetings.

(43:16):
I'm depressing and doing step serious. I'm not feeling good.
There's something missing, and every meeting I go to it's
the same thing. And I finally go to some guy
and I tell him what's going on. He says, you know,
some Russell, you're doing everything. I get what you're doing,
all stuff you're doing. And I says, once you start
going to Bible study and studying the source material. I

(43:38):
explained to him what any good AA would explain. I
explained to him that I'm spiritual, not religious, because everybody
knows that if you're a good AA, you are spiritual.
You evolve to some sort of angelic creature, like a
spiritual creature, just because you are who you are and

(43:58):
you're not religious. So all these guys from nineteen thirty
five to nineteen forty five, the row full of shit,
the guys that I'm reading the Bible, the guys I'm
going to church. That part of the book when they
say we encourage church, we encourage you know, joining the church,
and all that sort of stuff. There'll be a minute,
you'll be good. You know, all that stuff where they

(44:18):
encourage you to do that stuff. When doctor Bob would
he asked Doctor Bob, what does his first things first mean?
And he said seeking first, King of God and his
righteousness all things. He was full of crap. DOCTORBB didn't
know what he was talking about. All those old timers
were It started this thing. They're full of crap because
they all went to church, they all came out of
the hoscity, they all did all. There was that one guy,

(44:39):
the atheists, to talk them into God. As you understand,
I get that the guy who drank, Henry Parkers, the
guy who drank, but Bill Wilson was stole an alcoholic
just like you and me, and I get it. You
didn't want to kiss anybody off. So they compromise. I
understand that deal. That's a slippery slope. But anyway, and

(45:00):
any at the bottom line is so I start. So
I told them, I said, I'm spiritual, not religious. We
don't do that in AA. Where did I get the
idea that we don't do that in and you wanted
something we you do do that in AA. But even
if we don't do it in AA. Maybe you should

(45:21):
do it. Maybe there's something even bigger than AA. Because
I have news for you. The Trustees are not the
God of my understanding. Neither is Bill Wilson, because God,
in my understanding has all power, and I don't think
the Trustees do. I don't think Bill Wilson does it.
I was drunk, you don't you know that kind of thing.
So I find myself going to church and meeting people

(45:43):
that have the same problems. We have the same difficulties
we have, but there's only one difference. All they do
is talk about God and give them their lives to God.
And you know what happens. I wanted what they had,
which to me is the thirteenth step, getting to the
point where you want where somebody. You have, somebody in
front of you that has something more than you have,

(46:04):
and you want what they have. So you follow them.
And those people you can find them in AA, you
can find them outside of AA and everything like that.
Only you got about three minutes that I can wrap
this thing up, wrap this thing up, and then you
start doing the sixth step, and you hang around these people.
God is not a dirty word, and you actually see
the sixth step, and the sixth step says that the

(46:25):
men and women who are doing the sixth step are
men and women who are trying repeatedly to grow in
the image and like this to their creator. And you're
trying to do that. But now you have an idea
of if you create who your creator is. You understand
what I'm saying because you're hanging around people and they're
not lost, and they're not confused, and they know exactly

(46:49):
who their creator is, and they understand that the way
their creator works is that when you're weak, he's strong.
And then all of a sudden, I realize that the
times I've been the closest to God and AA has
been when I had cancer, when I was down on
my knees and asked Him to come in my life
because I couldn't stop drinking. The time when I was

(47:11):
closest to God was when I was at my lowest
points in my life. And the times I steered away
from Him and he wasn't part of my life was
when I was going gangbusters and doing good, you know
what I mean. And all of a sudden, my entire
world changes in the way I look at myself and
things that's not about the money, property and prestige. It's

(47:35):
not about all that stuff. I worshiped that, I really
worshiped that stuff. It was about focusing on God. And
so I got vertigo and I'm saying, oh, thank you God,
this is pretty good. It's great. You know, this is
such a bad deal. Really, when your bodily functions going
everything like that, it's uh. And and I just do

(47:56):
what I always do. I say thank you Lord, and
you know, and you know, I don't know what and
it works. I don't sit around worry about it. And
I do what I have to do. I go to
the doctor, I go physical therapy, I do that stuff.
And it's not that you don't have problems. You have problems.
We all have problems. The problems never stop, the hits
keep on coming. But the difference is the problems do

(48:20):
not stop your ability for feeling grateful, and they don't,
and you don't have anxiety. Then it's it just doesn't matter.
You end up doing the right thing you feel. You know,
how do you feel about yourself has nothing to do

(48:42):
with the circumstances of your life. I know that's hard
to believe. You know, you got money in the bank,
feel good. You don't have money, you feel bad. Hard
to believe that you can live a life where you're
the same, the same, all the time, no matter what
your circumstances are not married. People mad, and you're not
mad at your job? No job? What do they say? Job?

(49:05):
No job? Wife, no wife? We cry for this stuff.
That's what alcoholics do. Let him know that he can
get better and get weller. It doesn't matter about that stuff.
As long as he trusts God. It cleans house right.
And all of a sudden you start seeing what the
Big Book is really about? Is it about the steps

(49:27):
he had? It's about the steps, But that's not what
it's really. What it's really about is if you get
to twenty years or thirty years and you're an ace
of doing the steps, but you don't have God, you're
gonna have some it's gonna it's a sad situation, you know,
when cancer comes along and that stuff comes along, you know,
when things happen in your life and you can't be

(49:48):
relied upon, you know, and that's the deal. So what
what what was that? So? So I so to me?
The thirteenth said that, what's that? What's the fourteenth step?
To me? The fourteenth step is making God the central
factor of your life. Have you ever read that in
a big book? God must, because that's the great fact,
that he must become the central factor of your life.

(50:10):
That's not the third step, that's not even the eleventh step.
The eleventh step is improving your conscious contact by doing
whatever you got to do, hanging around with people and everything,
so you'll improve a contract. But I'll tell you what
that fourteen step, making him the central factor of your life,
where you think about him all the time, you talk
about him all the time, you go to meeting, you're
not worried about it. That's about the time when you
start talking about what's going on in your life, and

(50:32):
you don't. You don't worry about what everybody else is
thinking about. And what's the fifteenth step? Well, they say
to the Big book, didn't you see it? It says
you've become convinced without doubt. You know, you're convinced that
everything's happened to you, that God lives inside of you,
you know, allowing you to do things you could never

(50:53):
do by yourself, and he's real. Whoa, whoa? What would
happen if you let lived a life like that not
just the first twelve, but you actually went on after
you know, is that AA? Well, I personally think it
is AA. I believe it's AA. It may not be

(51:14):
your AA, it's my AA because I believe that AA
is actually what they were doing between nineteen thirty five
and nineteen fifty or whatever it is. That AA is
what they were actually doing. But you may not realize that.
There's a lot of people that don't realize that because
nobody talks about it, right, But it's actually there's not

(51:37):
one thing I've said to you tonight or I've put
you unite that didn't come right out of our AA
concept ro of literature. It's just a different way of
looking at it, just more steps. So what is that? So?
What was that? Was that a third step? Name? Was
that a sixth step? Minuting? Was that at eleven step meeting?
Is that a seven step meaning? To Russell's well, that

(51:59):
just a media? Is that a fifteen? Stuff eating in
the russ spats meeting? I don't know some sort of
means x
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