Stevie B at Stepping Out Group July 2025

Stevie B. at Stepping Out Group, Twelve Step House, Ft. Lauderdale, FL. July 2025

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Everybody.

Speaker 2 (00:01):
My name is Stephen Beamer, recovered alcoholic and I'm a
member of the Golden Text Group of Hollywood and Alcoholics.

Speaker 1 (00:08):
That homous God bless you guys.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
And I got overwhelmed when I saw Jason Tanny and
my friend, and I remembered that when I was coming back,
and I remember when I went to the Liberty House
and I had spoken there before, which is right around

(00:31):
the corner from here. And I had seven years and
I relapsed and people didn't know. I mean some people
do and some people didn't know. And I walked on
the property and Ritchie, the house manager at the time,
he said, Steve, b.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
Are you here to speak?

Speaker 2 (00:52):
And then his eyes focused and he could see that
I was broken, and I had lost my swacker, I
had lost my confidence. And then I hope I never
figured out what he said to me. Would you like

(01:14):
a sandwich?

Speaker 1 (01:16):
Now?

Speaker 2 (01:16):
You may find that funny, and that's fine. But maybe
you haven't relased, Maybe you haven't had to come back.
Maybe you haven't had to reinvent yourself. Maybe you didn't
have to crawl back.

Speaker 1 (01:30):
From the gates to death.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
Maybe you don't understand how it is to be broken.
Maybe you don't understand how it is to have nothing,
to once be on top, and then to know that
it's only going to be by a certified miracle that
I'm going to be able to stay back because coming
from the Fort Lordoll Hospital which is now called fort

(01:54):
Load of Old Behavioral Health on the psych ward and
having the van drop me off.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
At a liberty house, Richie could quickly see that I
needed help.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
And so if you're here tonight, and I don't say
that to be dramatic, because Jason's the first person I see.
I parked illegally right outside, and I saw him. Not
only did I parked illegally, I didn't even park in
the right direction. There's one of you guys parked in
the back where nobody can get around you.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
And that's fine. You're here, it doesn't matter. But I
just won't let you know that I never did that.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
Probably a member of Narcotics Anonymous. My partner knows, and
sadly knows. I don't usually take speaking engagements on Sunday

(02:52):
night because it's the one night that I promised to
my wife that over the years that I would dedicate
my life to alcoholics Anonymous six days a week church
on Sunday morning.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
I will study on.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
Wednesday, so I do eight meetings a week, but no
meetings on Sunday. But when Sally called, I remembered that
there's only reason I have the things that I have,
and the only reason I have a wife today that
was in the car that loves Sally is because of
Alcoholics Anonymous, in.

Speaker 1 (03:18):
The grace of God.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
And if I ever forget that, which I'm not planning on,
but if I ever forget that, I'm not saying I'm
too big enough. I'm too big for alcoholics and NOPs
on Sunday night. But there has to be at least
some balance, There has to be something put aside. But
today there was something that hit me, Sally, because of
what you and I being at the funeral for Drew
fourteen years ago and then seeing the President holding his

(03:44):
picture up this week, the same picture that's at Jacy
Recovery Center, that's on the wall, the same memorial that
you and I went to, reminded me that this is
really life and death, Like.

Speaker 1 (03:56):
This is really serious.

Speaker 2 (04:00):
What we have is like this is the answer, and
Alcoholics Anonymous will put your hands in God's hands so
that you will point to.

Speaker 1 (04:08):
The right director. But I don't know. I don't know
if you get it.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
But my sponsor, Michael, that was sponsoring Drew that died
and now President was holding his.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
Picture yesterday, that this thing is serious what we have.

Speaker 2 (04:26):
I'm looking at many of you. We've been on a
lot of memorials together. And I don't say that to
scare anybody, because we don't get scared of you. We're
not going to get scared into recovery. But hopefully you're
going to be wowed into recovery. Hope you're not going
to stay because you don't want to relapse. I hope
you're gonna stay because you want to have a life
beyond your wildness dreams. Hopefully understand that we're gonna show you.

(04:47):
We're going to teach you. The people that come before
us are going to show you and teacher and share
with you that we're not holding on.

Speaker 1 (04:53):
We're not hanging in there, We're not waiting to get
to the net. This is I mean like we're experiencing
a life of joy.

Speaker 2 (05:02):
Like on the way here, you know, there was Sunday
nights when I couldn't get myself unrolled out of a
carpet because I was such in such a bad place
that I thought the police were gonna come in at
any time. They were gonna break into my house, they
were gonna arrest me. That I had called the police
on myself several times, several times in a complete paranoia delusion.

(05:27):
I called the police.

Speaker 1 (05:28):
Because I wanted to one up them.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
I didn't want them to come in and be and
and to have one over on me. So I said, listen,
I know they're coming. As a matter of fact, I
know they're here. So what I'm gonna do so that
we are on the same plane fields I'm gonna call them.

Speaker 1 (05:51):
And I made reports on myself. There's a guy smoking
crack in the house.

Speaker 2 (06:00):
He's on the second floor, what's the description. He's got
one eye and he's rolled up in the carpet in
the middle of the floor. He thinks he can't be found,
but you can find him if you look for the
big rolled up carpet. And when the police came to

(06:20):
the house, and my grandfather was on the same alarm system,
so he came, and the police came at the same
time as my grandfather, and they were banging on the
door wanting to know what's going on, and you know
in that interim time when you're at the highest level
of paranoia, and then you go down one step and

(06:41):
then you realize, well, what I might have overshot the
calling of the police on myself. Maybe that was one
shot too much. And then you answer the door. You're
not sober, but you're not out of your mind as much,
and you realize that they weren't there.

Speaker 1 (06:58):
Right break or break of one two, you know, we're.

Speaker 2 (07:01):
Breaking in and it coming in you know full and
you realize that was in your head. I've been there
many times. I've fallen out many times. I've drove and
drunk many times. It's a grace of God that we're

(07:22):
here tonight.

Speaker 1 (07:25):
And the twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are not just
not just something to do.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
They're they're supernatural and magical at the same time. In
the idea of them that if you do them, something
that you don't plan is going to happen to you.
Just the very essence of you following directions when you
don't want to follow directions, Just that very nature of
you doing the twelve steps. Because we are defiant by nature,

(07:55):
these are the twelve steps.

Speaker 1 (07:56):
You need to do them. I don't want to know.
These are twelve steps. They can save your life. I'm
gonna do four of them.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
These are the twelve steps in order to have a
happy joye in free life. Is there any other way?
What about smart recovery? I heard a smart recovery is
less steps. I don't know how smart it is, but
I know that the twelve steps of alcoholics anonyms will
produce a permanent change, one day at a time where

(08:25):
you will get into a place where you're never even
going to think about drinking and drug it ever.

Speaker 1 (08:28):
Again.

Speaker 2 (08:30):
I couldn't go twenty four hours without.

Speaker 1 (08:34):
Thinking about getting high. Jason, you know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 (08:40):
Yeah, but guess what. There is a solution. There is
one that has all power. That one is God. May
you find him now you're in the right place. I
sat in that exact statue.

Speaker 1 (08:53):
I'm gonna tell you something, Jameson, I want you to
pay attention.

Speaker 2 (08:55):
Friday Night Mainliners. I'm sitting with the founder of me lines.
His name is Gary h. He's gone now so I
could say his last name, Gary Hunt.

Speaker 1 (09:05):
He's He's the.

Speaker 2 (09:05):
Founder of Mainliners here on Friday Y Narcotics. I'm sitting
in that table, Paul E. Fron, Gary, Lenny, We're all
sitting there. Gary gets up from the table and he says,
you know what, there's a bunch of bs. You know
what I'm talking about, Jenny, there's a bunch of bs.
I started this f in meeting. I know more than
these guys. Well, man, I could pick up a white
key tag in this meeting. And he left and he

(09:26):
was dead the next day. So you know what, Jane,
you're You're here, You're inside, You're not outside. We're not
burying you. We're not doing a memorrow for you. Anybody
that's in here tonight. This You are a miracle. Don't
let your ego keep you out of the doors. Don't
let your ego tell you don't have to work the program.
Don't let your ego tell you that you're different. You're

(09:47):
not any different. Why could you have a different Druggis choice?
Because because you're not a pure alcohol You're not a
pure alcoholic. I bet you you're a real alcoholic. I
bet you if they took all the drugs off the
planet and they only had alcohol, you'd be a real
alcohol I'm a I'm not a pure alcoholic. I'm a

(10:11):
real alcohol. You don't what a real alcoholic is it?
Relocohol has a drink and then does stuff that wouldn't
you wouldn't normally do five minutes earlier, like if I'm
sober and you said it, Hey, Steve, you want to
try some stuff from home depot.

Speaker 1 (10:25):
It's in the bathtub. A guy named Julio mixed it up.

Speaker 2 (10:29):
For us from some chemicals at the depot.

Speaker 1 (10:33):
I'd be like, of course, not, that's ridiculous. One drink later,
I'm like, where's the where's the joke, where's the where's.

Speaker 2 (10:40):
The tough where's Julio? What's the price? And I want
you to know something. I don't even need a drink
for that. And I'm gonna tell you a true story.
I don't even think Joe, my partner, knows the story,
a true story. I took a jug of that stuff
five years clean and sober. Five years clean and sober,

(11:01):
I said to my buddy, who was the Miami Hurricane
strength coach, and I had no desire to get high. Listen,
now it'sidious the disease of alcoholism. I had no desire
to get high. I was five years clean, but I
wanted to be a bigger bodybuilder than I was. I
was already taking everything that I could during this during
the day, and I had heard that there was stuff

(11:22):
that you could take during the night so that you
go to bed when you wake up in the morning
you have to have extra muscles.

Speaker 1 (11:30):
Well, it sounds funny to you, but it didn't sound
funny to me. I I thought it was a legitimate question.

Speaker 2 (11:35):
So five years clean, I said, and listen, is there
some stuff I could take and get to a ring
deep sleep and then growth homemone gets produced while I'm sleeping,
and then when I wake up in the morning, I
have extra muscles. He goes, yeah, well doing it, he goes,
It comes in a jug, an unmarked jug of an
unmarked milk jug, and you just need a cap full.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
But here's the thing about this.

Speaker 2 (11:56):
This is five years sober, not working the steps before
I relapse, not in this sobriety, five years in sodriety,
not sober minded, not thinking my things above, just physically
sober in sodriety, but not work in a program. I
said to him, wait a minute, hold on a second,
tell me about this stuff. He goes, Listen, here's what
I'll take if you take a capful. He gave me

(12:18):
a really good sleep, and growth home could be produced
and you could wake up with better muscles. I said, okay,
So what are you saying in a negative way? He said,
but sometimes a capful doesn't work.

Speaker 1 (12:28):
You need to take two.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
If that happens and it's too much, you can go
into respiratory failure.

Speaker 1 (12:36):
I go, how much is the jug.

Speaker 2 (12:42):
That's five years clean with no drugs in my system
without working a program. I want to know how much
is the jug that could possibly kill me? But I
could wake up with bigger biceps if I pay it,
if it works. That's the difference between my suprise this time,
which is keep in mind.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
The word sober it comes from the Bible.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
It's keeping your mind of keeping your mind on things
that are sober minded.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
I don't think that way.

Speaker 2 (13:15):
I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind
and body. You can recover too. What I say, I
come up here and recovered is not like some elite
force that I'm part of.

Speaker 1 (13:25):
Oh, he must be part of the elite force. I'm
not part of the elite forces.

Speaker 2 (13:29):
In the first chapter of the Big Book, we recovered
from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Speaker 1 (13:36):
That means, what's that? Brother?

Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, it's on the first page. Whatever he said, But
I'm not out whatever he said, first page, I recover
from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Speaker 1 (13:49):
I don't think the same way that I used to drugs.

Speaker 2 (13:51):
And alcohol in front of me. I don't look at
them the same way I used to. There was not
a drunk. I'm gonna take a line from Paul Left
Front for a second. It wasn't a drink or a
drug that I ever said no to. An I didn't
understand the question. I have never said no to a
drink or a drug. Never, And so I had to

(14:14):
come back because in my first sodriety, when I was
doing steroids, when I was saying yes to grow horm
when I was saying yes to GHB, which is that
drug I was just telling you about which I didn't
even know the name was.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
I don't even know the name. I didn't care what
the name. Pat, you would have loved.

Speaker 2 (14:29):
It is an empty jug and made by guiding Julio
from home depot. Two caps and you can't you die,
but one cap could help you get better.

Speaker 1 (14:39):
Muscles.

Speaker 2 (14:39):
I'm like, yeah, two years, two years in sodriety. I
was arrested for picking up a prostitute coming out of
a meeting of alcoholics anonyms, and then because the people
recognized me inside the Brower jail from the twelve step house,
I had to pretend I was in there with hospitals.

Speaker 1 (15:01):
And an institution. I think I see one of them
right now. I lied to you. I'm sorry, and I apologize.

Speaker 2 (15:10):
I'm inside. Two years sober in jail. I was arrested
two years sober for making fake ID cards at my work.
The Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms pulled me on
handcuffs with entire task force and brought me in jail.

Speaker 1 (15:27):
That's two years in sodriety. I kept getting.

Speaker 2 (15:31):
Arrested over I'm like, what is a nice guy like
me keeping showing up in jail?

Speaker 1 (15:35):
I'm sober? People like, hey, steam, they were.

Speaker 2 (15:40):
Drunk, a semi resilience and develops that how come you're
in jail?

Speaker 1 (15:44):
What of?

Speaker 2 (15:46):
And I never thought to ask my qub why do
I keep winding up in jail sober physically sober?

Speaker 1 (15:52):
Because I wasn't mentally sober.

Speaker 2 (15:55):
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps.

Speaker 1 (15:58):
We tried to carry this mess. We tried to carry
some mess alcoholics in the practice.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
There shouldn't be extremely attractive females in front of that
step right there. That's not good for any of us. Uh,
and practice these principles and all our fairs.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
Okay, these are moving to the tables.

Speaker 2 (16:15):
So I wasn't practicing the principles because I wasn't practice
the principles.

Speaker 1 (16:20):
I was getting arrested. Because I was getting arrested, I
had to lie while I was inside jail.

Speaker 2 (16:24):
I'd see the people when I come out and they say, hey,
why were you there that night? I'm like, you know, service,
service keeps you sober, a lot of service, doing a
lot of service.

Speaker 1 (16:36):
And so I had this God.

Speaker 2 (16:38):
Sized hole, this deep, deep, infected, god size hole. Same
thing as Michael had when he was five years and
we used to call him South Beach Michael because he
would come to the meeting after South Beach with member
just roll into the meeting and and I'm gonna tell
you there's not enough drugs, alcohol sex out there to
fill that God size hole. You may think, oh, what

(17:01):
about money, No, it's not gonna feel the gonsis. What
about relationship is not gonna fill the gonzon. That's why,
that's why they tell you don't get into relationships while
you're in treatment. You'll see you think it's gonna work out.
It may work out, it's possible, it's gonna work out.
It's probably not gonna work out. Just because the person
has the same exact curfews you, it doesn't mean that
they're your soul much. It's because you meet them on

(17:22):
the met line doesn't mean you should be hooking up
with it.

Speaker 1 (17:26):
Oh my god, you're on the same meds. I've been
waiting to meet you my whole life, and you have
the same T shirt and you're on the same van.

Speaker 2 (17:36):
This should work out home, because why we can't live
with ourselves. We can't be by ourselves, So a relationship
with another broken person feels better than a relationship with
this broken person since I can't have a relationship with God,
and I don't want to become a full person because
I don't know how to do it. And you're telling
me that the steps are gonna make me a full person.

Speaker 1 (17:55):
But I would rather.

Speaker 2 (17:56):
Text message you, would tell you I love you because
I can't love me because I can't love me.

Speaker 1 (18:04):
I saw her. I saw her.

Speaker 2 (18:05):
She was at my work and she was in the circus.
There was a circus down here. She was in the
circus and she rode in on an elephant. And I said,
if I could get that beautiful South American beauty that
rode on an elephant, that could fix my god's size
hole which was inside me. Because I had the steroids,
I had the muscles, I had the car, I had
some money.

Speaker 1 (18:24):
I was young, I had a full head of hair.
My hair used to go here. My eyes were straight
at the time, and nothing was working. And I saw her.

Speaker 2 (18:35):
I said, if I can get that girl, I mean,
how many other people could date a girl that rise
an elephant. That's a big deal, you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
And I married her, That's right. We had a big
circus wedding. Got married her. Yet little people and everything.
I tried it, I try it on it, I tried.
I tried to keep it even I couldn't handle that one.

(19:11):
I couldn't handle that one. I couldn't do that one.

Speaker 2 (19:17):
And on the wedding, I saw some people drinking fine
wine and they put it into a decanter, and the
decanter was in the middle of the table and they
were letting the wine breathe. And I thought to myself,
I could probably do something like that. I was five
years in Sodririety. I was going to the meeting back there,
the eleventh Step group, and I thought, if I could
drink fine wine or stuff like that, and of course
I'll never go back to drugs, then then I could

(19:39):
probably get away with fine wine and different things like that.
I knew I could never go back to drugs, and
at seven years I picked up alcohol, and alcohol immediately
took me back to drugs. Not hard drugs, not the
hard drugs, but just the minor drugs, you know, the
minor drugs that people think will not take them back
to the alcohol. And the alcohol doesn't think they'll take

(19:59):
you back to the minor drugs, and the mighty dont
thinks the minor drugs are gonna bring it back to
the big drugs. And let me tell you something, anything
other than cold stone physically and mentally sober, you're.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
Losing the battle.

Speaker 2 (20:10):
Doesn't matter that it takes five years or ten years,
doesn't mean all these people that are doing all this
quasi sobriety, it's not gonna work out. Every one of
them are gonna fail, every one of them. If I
told you that I had cancer, but I could keep
the cancer away for six years, but then in the
seventh year, kirk right, We're it just recovers from cancer.

Speaker 1 (20:29):
Praise God.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
If I told you in the seventh year I was
gonna die, that's not a great diagnosis. All the people
that are trying all this secondary drugs and they're able
to maintain for two years or three years or four
years and get the business and do.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
This, and they're all going to crash and burn if
they're true addicts and alcoholics. I'm a true alcoholic.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
That means anything that separates me between me and God,
that means I'm more important than God. That means it's
gonna return me back to me. And anything that returns
me back to me turns me back to the sickness.
I was twelve years sober when I was twelve, and
I was still miserable.

Speaker 1 (21:05):
At twelve years old, I wanted to hang.

Speaker 2 (21:08):
Out with the coolest kid in school, so I gave
him a gun and I told him, if you hang
out with me, you could shoot at me, I was
twelve years sober, I never had a drink, and I
was already acting alcoholically sober.

Speaker 1 (21:25):
Physically sober is not going to be the answer to this.

Speaker 2 (21:28):
I'm mentally defective, as the Big Book says, I'm outright
mentally defective.

Speaker 1 (21:33):
That doesn't mean I'm not broken.

Speaker 2 (21:35):
You add God, an alcoholics anonymous, and a service commitment
and a purpose, and I get fixed.

Speaker 1 (21:41):
I'm not broken. I'm just not well. And for those
of you that you know you're not well, guess what,
you know half the battle right there.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
It's the people that come in that feel they're well,
that they don't have to work the steps, so they
don't have to do the deal, they don't have their
relationship with God, they don't have different service commitment, they
don't need a home group. And then they already believe
they're well, and then I guess what happens. Then they
find out they're sick. So I relapse. I get into
some secondary drugs.

Speaker 1 (22:06):
Not a big deal. I'm still going to work.

Speaker 2 (22:08):
And then one of the guys that works, Heason, I'm
shot out and I'm really really tired, and he's my
hairstylist and he's gay and.

Speaker 1 (22:13):
He's just the sweetest kid. And he comes up there.
He goes, he goes steamy, you look shut out. I go,
I'm tired. He says, you just need some Tina.

Speaker 2 (22:28):
I go, hold on a second. I had a problem
with cocaine. I can't be doing anything that's cocaine based.
Listen my mentality. I'm already drinking and taking my dad's drugs.
And I'm like, I can't do any cocaine because I
used to have a problem of cocaine. He goes, this
ain't cocaine, this is Tina. I go there, well, that
sounds like it'll be fine. And thirty years ago, down here,

(22:58):
you really shouldn't get involved with Tina because that was
crystal meth and all you guys that came in from
the Midwest. We appreciate you shipping in your stuff, but
we didn't have it back then. And so here I
am hooked on Tina hanging outside the Copa, which, if
you don't know what, the Copa was the only gay
nightclub we had. And I'm like, hey, you good hook up,

(23:22):
brother Rob.

Speaker 1 (23:27):
And it was a nightmare. Okay, never getting ducted into
a drug that you can't get, it's a bad, bad thing.

Speaker 2 (23:34):
And and Tina turned into ike and was beating me
all around town.

Speaker 1 (23:37):
It was awful, awful, awful.

Speaker 2 (23:43):
Talk about paranoia. That's the ultimate paranoia. Stuff that's made
from the DELA and some of you people in a
trailer in Arkansas shipping in your product over here. It
awful and uh and and and everything fell apart, and

(24:03):
my wife left, my new wife, my beautiful wife left Sanders.
She she went back to her country and and uh
and when she came back, I had relapsed into my
original drugg and choice.

Speaker 1 (24:12):
And she served me with a straining water Praise God.
And uh and put me in the Fort Lord of
Ville Hospital for the fourth time in one year.

Speaker 2 (24:20):
M and I and I was, I was, I was
beautiful and incomprehensible de moralization. And I came to the
twelve Step House and uh and I saw a guy
that I didn't like. We had had a fist fight
in the meeting before and that's true story. And he
owned a treatment set, not at that time, but I
didn't like. Oh, you know, you worked with him and uh,
he goes, He goes, did you just drive here? I go, Yeah,

(24:44):
I drove here, he goes, and you have a wallet
on you. Okay, you have a wallet on me. He goes,
you ain't gonna make it. And I was still living
in my house. Wait wait, I passed forward. I want
to back up. I've never told this story before. This
is a little that they the wisdom of a guy
that told. He meets me out there and he tells me,

(25:04):
did you just did you just drive here? I go?

Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah? He goes from your house. I go yeah. He goes,
and you have a wallet on here? I go yeah.
He goes, you ain't gonna make it. I go, what
I just had seven years? He goes, you ain't gonna
make it. I hope you listen.

Speaker 2 (25:16):
He goes, he ain't gonna make it unless you put
yourself in a recovery house, give away your car, and
give away your wallet.

Speaker 1 (25:22):
You ain't gonna make it. I told him, you have
no idea where you're talking about. And you know why?
He was one hundred percent of Steve s was one
hundred percent right.

Speaker 2 (25:31):
I didn't like him. I'm not even sure how I
feel about him now. But I had to get a
six felony car crash. Six felonies in one crash, which
is like overachievement.

Speaker 1 (25:44):
You know that's a big deal.

Speaker 2 (25:47):
Lose the car, lose the house, lose the wallet, and
wind up basically homeless at the Liberty House.

Speaker 1 (25:54):
Thank god they took me. And he was right.

Speaker 2 (25:57):
I had to have nothing to come back. Some of
you guys have well you stuff, and you're able to
come back. If you have all your stuff in your
then you can get off on that floor.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
You don't have to.

Speaker 2 (26:05):
Go to where I went. You don't have to go
to pitiful and and comprehension of the mortizations. You still
have a car and you can get sober.

Speaker 1 (26:11):
Great.

Speaker 2 (26:12):
You still have a car. You can still get sober
in your house. Great, you still have a walle and
you can get so great.

Speaker 1 (26:16):
I couldn't have nothing. I would smoke it up. I
would who And so I'm in the Liberty House. I
got nothing. And when you're down to nothing, God's up
to something.

Speaker 2 (26:31):
And I called my first sponsor, and my first sponsor says,
you're gonna start.

Speaker 1 (26:35):
Praying on your knees. I hadn't spoke in like five years.

Speaker 2 (26:39):
He said, you're gonna start praying on your knees in
the recovery house.

Speaker 1 (26:42):
And Lenny P.

Speaker 2 (26:43):
From narcotics Synonymous told me, you need to start praying
on your knee Like I'm like, these guys are like
hoodlops telling me I need to pray on my knees.

Speaker 1 (26:54):
And I start praying on my knees.

Speaker 2 (26:58):
My sponsor said, of you, if ivided job my house
and you started grabbing the food off the table and
you didn't say please, and then you got up from
the table and you ran out the door, and you
didn't say thank you. Do you I think I'd ever
invite you back over my house again? I said, of
course not. He said, so why should God invite you
back into the day of sobriety without you saying please
for that day of sobriety and thanking them for that
day of sobriety and the same day you agree.

Speaker 1 (27:20):
It's kind of gratitude you got.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
And I started praying in the recovery house and I
started asking God to keep me cleaning sover and I
started thanking.

Speaker 1 (27:28):
Him at night.

Speaker 2 (27:28):
And then thirty days into the program into cleming this,
into living around the corner, into no car, no job,
no nothing into it, I started to get like, well,
maybe I overreacted, because now I'm like showering, and like
I'm shaving and I'm'm brushing my teeth, and I was eating,
and I'm thinking, know what, I could probably get high
one more time, like I had developed some type of

(27:48):
junkie superpower. Like thirty one days ago, I couldn't stop using.
But thirty days later, I think I could use one
more time and no one's gonna find me. No one's
gonna find out. And I come up with this unbelievable playing.
But I didn't have any money. And I appreciate you
guys that go on a run with no money. I mean,
you guys are overachievers. I appreciate that you just go

(28:09):
on a run. You're not even on a walk.

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Will you do that? You got no money? What kind
of run is that? That's a slow lip? But I
know where to get money.

Speaker 2 (28:23):
So I called my wife, who has a restraining order
against me, and it turns out she had joined Alana.

Speaker 1 (28:29):
Which I didn't know. That's right, yeah, yeah. The only
person I got that was Sally and Kelly. They understood
what was going on.

Speaker 2 (28:36):
My wife had developed a support network of people that
told her don't believe anything that I said in my
mouth was moving. I was lying, and I called up
and I'm like, sweenahren't she And I finagled her to
give me one hundred and ninety nine dollars and I
was thirty days clean and I ran around the corner
over here to the Sprint store which is Broward, which

(28:57):
was Broward.

Speaker 1 (28:58):
Boulevard and Federal Highway. That's what God did for me
what I couldn't do for myself.

Speaker 2 (29:03):
Step two came to believe that a power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity. All these people that
come up here and they do the steps and everything,
and I'm one of them. Don't get me wrong. You
know what's step two? Step two? You want to have
Step two is you really want to know what step
to is? Do stuff differently? Watch what God does. Either
we were alcoholic, He could not manage our own lives.
Be that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(29:25):
And see that God could have would if you were
saw it. You know what God did for me that day.
You know what God did for me that day When
I got up both my knees and I went to
go get high because I had a three or four
hour window before the guys came home.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
I went to the Sprint store with one.

Speaker 2 (29:36):
Hundred and ninety nine dollars and I told the guy
behind the counter, I need to be out of here
in five minutes with the cheapest cell phone you have,
because I knew I was going to go get high.
And God puts the guy from Alcoholics Anonymous from the
day before told Drew from the Victory AA meeting, he's
the guy behind the chuncter, and he says to me,
Stevie B, welcome back.

Speaker 1 (29:57):
You think it's a coincidence you're here. You think it's
by chance you made it to this meeting. You think
it's by chance or in the recovery house either. Oh no,
I'm only here because of the court system. Thank god
for the court system.

Speaker 2 (30:08):
Thank god you're not dead and buried in a box outside.
Thank god you're not on the train shops right now.
Thank God that you made it in here tonight. And
told Drew said to me, welcome back, Stevie B. And
I didn't get high, And at that moment I didn't
realize what God had dug for me, what I couldn't
do for myself.

Speaker 1 (30:26):
And then my wife invited me to I stayed eleven
months and a half way house.

Speaker 2 (30:29):
By the way, when Ray, when Ray called me in
at thirteen months and told me he was going to
leave primary purpose, I said, then get.

Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yourself in new sponsor. You ain't ready. You know what,
the next time you come up with an idea.

Speaker 2 (30:40):
By the way, I don't have a recovery house, so
I'm not trying to pitch my recovery house. What I
want to tell you, next time you come up with
the great idea to leave the recovery house, why don't
you ask somebody's opinion that knows you and be ready
for the real answer.

Speaker 1 (30:56):
I told Rag you had another sponsor because you're not ready.
I told Michael Ed. Michael Limb was with many and
he came up to me and said, are you ready?
I said, you're not ready. Then he came out and
he said to me, I'm ready. I said, you're not ready.
And he waited until we believed he was ready. And
he's never relaxed. Sense.

Speaker 2 (31:12):
I'm not saying that that's the answer. You know what
the answer is. You don't have the answer. Made a decision.
Have God be director. He's our director. We are his agents.
He's the principal. We are his agents. He's the father.
Where's children? You have no idea where you're supposed to be?
That's mom? What's gotten your first name?

Speaker 1 (31:35):
Man? Good to see you.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
Yeah, you got all these bigger Listen, your best idea
told you to drink while driving. Your best idea told
you to buy stuff from Chuloh, this is your best thinking. Now,
all of a sudden, you got three months over and
you know when the time is to move out.

Speaker 1 (31:58):
You have no idea.

Speaker 2 (32:03):
And so my wife invited me to come back and
live in the house at eleven months. And when I
came back to living in the house at eleven months,
that day I turned the mattress over and there was
my stash in the mattress, you know, between the two mattresses.
And I had never been able to say no to
my stash, you know whatever.

Speaker 1 (32:20):
Your stasha is, your bottle, your kit, your rig, your
stash whatever. It's called the satan in a bottle. But
guess what. I had just gotten off my knees.

Speaker 2 (32:31):
And when I had gotten off my knees, and I
was different than when I was getting off my knees.
And when I was in the halfway house, I'd gotten
off my knees with gratitude.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
You know, they say a grateful alcoholic will not drink.
I can't tell you how important gratitude is. Listen.

Speaker 2 (32:44):
I called Sally today and I wasn't sure I was
going to take the meeting on. But Sally like kind
of her hometown where she's from and people that she know.
All these beautiful children just died in the area Sally's from.
And I was telling Satany.

Speaker 1 (32:59):
He says, I said, Sally's so amazing.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
Sandy when all the stuff she has going on, she
does helps us with the all about God at the
jac recovery with Michael, and when all the stuff she's gone,
She's so amazing. I called Sally up, you know, she
says on the phone. I goes, Sally, how are you doing?
And I said it just like that on speakerphone was
my wife said how are you doing? Knowing that or
her area has been devastated by the floods. Over one
hundred and fifty people died, one hundred of them are children.

(33:23):
She knows people from that camp. I go, Sally, how
are you doing? She goes, I am so blessed. I'm
with a sponsor here, I'm cooking breakfast. We're gonna do
the fifth step. It's a great day to be sober.
And you know what happened to me? My attitude got
adjusted and I was calling to tell her that I
can't make the meeting. And then the next thing, you know,
I go, Sandy, can I do the means? She goes, yeah,
do the meaning? I go, Okay, we got the meeting.

Speaker 1 (33:48):
How can we not have an attitude of gratitude? Do
you know where you should be?

Speaker 2 (33:52):
But God? Do you understand where you should be? But God,
this is a whole but God's story. You should be
locked up, buried up. We had a guy that drank
at seventeen years. His name is iron Man Frank. He
had one drink. Did you know that wet brain can
take one drink after seventeen years? He took one drink

(34:13):
and his wet brain kicked in after seventeen years, and
spent six years outside our church on a bench, thinking
that he was sober. You remember Michael coming to Bible
study covered in his own excrement, thinking that he was
sober from one drink after seventeen years. But God, you're
not there. How much stuff did you? How many of
you overdosed? How many of you came back from narcan.

(34:35):
How many of you should be locked up forever? Sally
is a nurse that used to give the pill to
the patient and a pill to herself.

Speaker 1 (34:44):
She'd be one for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me, one for you and for me.

Speaker 2 (34:51):
The state of Texas said we are not going to
give your license by She said, okay, thank you. I'll
be back and see what they're like not getting your
license back. You're a bill popping nurse.

Speaker 1 (35:05):
She's okay, I'll be back next year. Goes back.

Speaker 2 (35:10):
No, no, no, no, no no, she's full flights nurse.
She's everything's been restored. Flies around the car. See you're
helping people. Any drivers for treatment centers? Any any drivers
for treating says? All the drivers for treatment centers are
ex felons. They are most of them have the most

(35:32):
amount of du Wise, they were told you're never gonna
drive again.

Speaker 1 (35:34):
Now they're driving your van.

Speaker 2 (35:44):
The text that your treatment centers just got let out
last month or the six month earlier. You have Pancho
Villo running your award right now. But God, but God,
you understand it's a butt God's story. And when you
understand where all the power comes from then you're not

(36:05):
gonna take any credit for it, because if you do
the math, you shouldn't be here. God gave this unbelievable
program to us, undeserving people. Romans five eightes said, while
we were still sinners, God died for us. He gave
us this unbelievable program between nineteen thirty five and nineteen
thirty nine, to people that were dying, that had no hope.

Speaker 1 (36:26):
He gave a hopeful program to a hopeless.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
Person, and that hopeless person went told another hopeless person,
and then that hopeless person told alcoholic number three, who's
on the bed right there, Bill Dotson, And that alcoholic
number three person is why we're here. We give all
the credits to Bill w Doctor Bob. It's because of
that person that we're here, because they wouldn't have had
a mission. What's your mission?

Speaker 1 (36:49):
Is it all about you? Still?

Speaker 2 (36:50):
Six months into it, nine months into it's still all
about you. You got no sponses, You're still not doing
the dishes in the sink. It's all about you.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
You're gonna make it. You're still all wrapped up in self.
Were dressed.

Speaker 2 (37:02):
Six months in living at Liberty House, I already started
a big book study. Nobody was coming, but I had
a big book study. Mymber roommates are like, what do
you know You only got six months? Yeah, but I
got six months.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
Like you're not a teacher.

Speaker 2 (37:14):
No, but I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. And
I got six months. And then one person came. That
Mason came, and then Eddie came, and then Todd came.
Another guy came. Most of the guys I was in
the recovery house with twenty four years ago are dead.
One's getting out of prison next week. Another one's dying

(37:35):
as we speak. The one that's dying as we speak
thought he had more answers and alcoholics anonymous than he
could do it with church alone. Nothing more pathetic than
seeing a pastor that has the Lord dying of alcoholism.

Speaker 1 (37:50):
To have faith and have no works, It's not what
the goal is.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
If you don't know how to put this into practice,
it doesn't matter how spiritual or how much you know
the Bible. The devil knows the That doesn't mean anything
that you know the Bible. If you don't know how
to put this into practice, you ain't gonna make it.
The most successful people in this program are the ones
that can follow directions.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
It's amazing. It's not like some hard directions. There's a
chapter it's called how it Works.

Speaker 2 (38:19):
And then the next line says, how rarely have we
seen that a person fail who has thoroughly followed this path?

Speaker 1 (38:23):
Our path? What path? What are you talking about? What path?
Read the Bible? This is their path.

Speaker 2 (38:27):
I'm not saying you have to go find yourself a
religious denomination of your choice. Get into some type of
ritual every day where you're doing readings rad Pick Reach
page eighty five, eighty six, eighty seven, and eighty eight.
Make sure you're doing the steps. You're going back and
making amends. You're taking people through the work. The work
shouldn't take months and months and months and years. The
work should take weeks and weeks and weeks. Get with

(38:48):
a whole group of people. We got John in here,
we got Janet in here, we we got heavyweights in
they'll take it through the work.

Speaker 1 (38:53):
If we don't take it through the work, then we're
not gonna make it. If you don't have a sponsor,
guess what you have an idiot as a sponsor. I
know you got this. Some of you guys have already
faded out. Some of my people are already falling asleep.
If you don't have a sponsor, you have an idiot
as your higher power. As you you need, you're gonna

(39:15):
need help. I need a help.

Speaker 2 (39:17):
I got two great sponsors, Russell Spats from Miami and
Jerry Bear from California. Then at Tennessee he lived in
and now he's in Delaware. I had two great sponsors.
I always have great sponsors. I have great mentors. I
have people that are around me. Wisdom comes in a
multitude of council I don't do this by myself, and
neither do you.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
And if you don't have a home group, I don't
need tell you're homeless. But I understand if you don't
have a home group, shame on you. You should have
a home group. How are you gonna have a service
comm in if you have no home what are you
gonna know how to do? If you don't have a sponsor,
how are you gonna recover? If you're not recovered?

Speaker 2 (39:50):
All of these are If we have this girl, Liz, Lisa,
She's brought out here and now Lisa is like the simplest,
most amazing person.

Speaker 1 (39:55):
She's from the South she says, stumblight is.

Speaker 2 (40:00):
What goes around goes around. People on the South are unbelievable.
They come up with this unbelievab stuff about possum and
all this stuff. And sometimes you just got to be
that simple. Sometimes you gotta just gotta be It's gotta
break it down there, that's simple. This is a simple

(40:22):
program for complicated people. I have never met one person
in my entire life that worked this program to the
best of their ability as best as they could with
a sponsor.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
They didn't make it. I've never met one John. Have
you met one Jannet?

Speaker 2 (40:35):
Have you ever met one that someone that's up to
about thoroughly worked this program, did exactly ex outline God involved,
had a service commitment, had a relationship with their higher power,
had relationships with their people in their lives. I've never
seen one person not make it. Maybe they've fall, maybe
they've relaxed, whle they get right back up. And if
you understand that you're in a miracle program, stop kicking

(40:57):
and screaming that we're asking you to do the work
to get the miracle. And I didn't tell you something,
And I'm always learning. This week it happened to me
twice in a month, and my friends know that this
happened to me. I started to get high minded in
alcoholics and ims like I started, and I didn't.

Speaker 1 (41:12):
Know what was happening.

Speaker 2 (41:15):
I was in Los Angeles a couple of weeks ago,
and I didn't like the way the meeting was going
and the speaker that had like fifty five years didn't
mention God.

Speaker 1 (41:23):
And I was fuman inside. Jenny, you would have seen
I was like this.

Speaker 2 (41:29):
Anyone that looked at me, I'm like and I was
making a scene in my row. And there was a
whole drug talk. I mentioned drugs, but there was a
whole drug It was all about drugs, and it was
all about not God.

Speaker 1 (41:48):
And I left.

Speaker 2 (41:49):
I'm like those meetings in Bible, the hill is a stink.
And I didn't realize there was a problem with me.
I didn't realize on page four seventeen that says whenever
there is whenever I'm upset, it has nothing to do
with the meeting and alcoholics anonymous in Los Angeles had
to do with me.

Speaker 1 (42:04):
I thought it was a problem with the meeting in
Los Angeles. Who had to do with me?

Speaker 2 (42:08):
And then two nights ago I was at the West
Side Med's group with my buddy Steve, and I didn't
like what one of the guys was saying, and I
was like, this guy should not be allowed to speak.

Speaker 1 (42:18):
He's killing people. Kind of rhetoric.

Speaker 2 (42:21):
Is that to say that you don't need to have
a sponsor in all this kind of nonsense in your
two years you take the steps. This guy's killing people.
And then this kid gets up and he takes his
medallion and he checks me. I'm like, Stevie b I'm
like twenty four years over, I'm like sneaking around the
country and he checks me in front of like two
hundred guys, and he's like, there's no experts in alcoholics anonymous.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
It's just one ultimate authority and that one is God
and it's not you. And I was like, he's right.
I was wrong, one hundred percent wrong. He's not a
problem to me in Los Angeles. It's a problem with me.
I want the meetings exactly like I want. I want
my friends.

Speaker 2 (43:04):
I want to hang out with my first I want
people that go to church. I want people that are
not cursing, no disrespect. Janna and I have all these things,
and I just want to have it the way I
want it, but I'm not.

Speaker 1 (43:15):
Open them on other people's ideas. And this six year
old guy, this six year old guy that picked them
up and down, he checked me and he was right.

Speaker 2 (43:22):
Continue to take personal inventorium when wrong, probably admitted I'm done,
don't worry. And I went to the guy afterwards and
I said, hey, I want to just tell you something.
You were right and I was wrong, and something is
wrong inside me. And that's a spiritual imri and I'm
thank you for showing me that I'm not the president
of AA. There is no higher status in here other

(43:43):
than member, and everybody's entitled to their opinion. My opinion
is trust God, clean house, and help others.

Speaker 1 (43:53):
And my opinion is that it works for me, and.

Speaker 2 (43:56):
So I'm going to continue to do that. I'm going
to continue to follow you guys. You guys are like
the path through me. I'm going to continue to follow,
and one day at a time, by the grace of God,
I'll stay recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind
and body. I'll continue to say yes a lot more
than I say no, and I'll beget to go home
to my beautiful wife and my fourteen year old. That's
not crazy about me. But I'm grateful that I happened,

(44:16):
and grateful that, yeah, he loves me. He's just, he's just,
he's fourteen. Thank you, guys, God bless you.