May 24, 2025 • 42 mins
Stevie B. Steps 8-9, Step Series at Life Is Good Group Boca Raton, FL. 5/22/2025
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
My name is Stevie Bham Recovered alcoholic, remember the Golden
Text group of alcoholics Anonymous, And I'm very very happy
to be here with you guys tonight. What do you
think I think it looks amazing cool. Sheldon is a
(00:23):
little under the weather tonight and he's tired, so he's
taking a rest and we will definitely appreciate all he
does and all everything that you guys do in this group.
And my wife is here tonight, Sandra, and she comes
once a whole step series on step nine to make
sure that I bring it up everything that I have
(00:44):
to make amends for. She's a member of allan On,
so they promptly admit when we're wrong, and she wants
to make sure that I'm involved in that tonight.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
So I definitely she's doing the allen On salute to
me right now. She's doing that right now.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So blessed to be here tonight and to have my
beautiful wife here. And Mom is in New York, so
thank you for all her well wishes. And you know,
I just want to just take a moment. We had
a lot of people tonight that one year, two years
that are celebrating this next month. I mean, every medallion
(01:22):
is incredibly important, but in this day and age, how
hard it is with the amount of temptation, with the
amount of pressure, with the amount of drugs that are prevailed,
that are that are permissible, that are going on everywhere,
and to have people still picking up one year of
medallions to two year medallions just speaks so much on
(01:46):
what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous stands for and what
you guys put out for us and the path that
we get to follow, and that this thing continues to work.
So I think we just give God a round of
applause right now, and I just want to just say something.
(02:08):
I'm not trying to clean anything up at alan On
saved our marriage.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So I was seven years.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I was seven years with sodriety that I got from Sherry.
She told me that I was seven years in sodriety,
which means I hadn't worked the steps. I was seven
years physically clean, not mentally or spiritually clean.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
And I relapsed.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
And during that time of that relapse, I had gotten
married right before the relapse, and we had a beautiful
a wedding and people flew in all around the country
and I was stark, raving, sober, and I had alcoholism
all over me, and she didn't know it because because
alcoholism to us, we thought it was actively drinking.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
But it turns out that.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
After alcohol, active alcoholism in our lives had nothing to
do with active drinking.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
It had to do with stinking thinking. And we went
to New Orleans.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Of course, because my wife is not from this country
and she didn't know what New Orleans stood for.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
I told her New Orleans stood for jazz, but I
knew that New Orleans for me would.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Stand for boos and boobies, and she didn't know anything
about that.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
And we went down to New Orleans and.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
She and I was five years in sodriety, and it
looked like I was sober physically sober, but I was
hoping that she would take a drink, even though she
hasn't had a drink since she's seventeen, so she had
about like like twenty five years of sobriety when we
got married, and I was trying to get her to drink.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
That's just what I just want to show you my mentality.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
I was trying to get her a drink because I
felt if she drank, we'd have more fun if I
was five years sober.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
This is five years not.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Working the program as outline, not chopping, would not carrying water,
just doing like, you know, a little chopping like.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
A glass of water.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
And so I'm hoping that if she drinks, I can
vicariously lived through the unmanageability of being on Bourbon Street
and that whole craziness. And it was there during that
time at New Orleans, during our honeymoon, that I saw
people drinking fine wine and I had never seen a
fine wine presentation that at least I don't know, and
(04:14):
I thought to myself, I'm probably not powerless over fine
wine and things like that.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
I knew I was powerless over hard drugs. I knew
I was powerless over all drugs. That was obvious. I
was rolled up in a carpet.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I was peeping out of windows for three days at
a time with one eye. That's very, very hard to do.
But alcohol, to me was a subtle foe. And it
was during that time, during my fifth year, that I
really believed I was not powerless over alcohol anymore. It
took two more years and I came back to my
(04:47):
home group and I told them I didn't think I
was powerless, and they said, please just keep coming back.
It's going to work if you continue to keep it
coming back.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
And they were right.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
If I would have admitted to my innermo self that
I was an alcoholic or at least powerless over alcohol,
remember I was over five years, but.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I didn't think I was powerless.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
And so I picked up my seven year mid dine
at the twelve Step House in the eleven step group,
and I went out to try some to try to
find fine wine. But you really need to know what
you're doing with fine wine. There's a presentation involved there.
There's actually spending money on fine wine, you know, Zack.
It's like it's like a like a high end type
of thing, you know. And I wound up at August
Moon Chinese food restaurant on Federal Highway, and they had
(05:29):
Japanese rice wine in a box. So it really wasn't
what I had intended. But at that moment, seven years
was out the window, you see. Seven years went out
the window. Me not willing to admit that I was
powerless over alcohol.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Seven years went out the window.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
And I want to share something with you, and if
you knew this is very very important it wore of
you here for a very very long time.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
This is very very important. It's so much easier to
stay sober than it is.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
To get so And the moment I had that alcohol
go into my body, even though I was not a
pure alcoholic, not even not even at that time, was
even a real alcoholic per se.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I was more of a drug addict that shouldn't drink.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
But the moment I took that drink, I became a
real alcohol The moment that alcohol hit my system, after
not having alcohol in my body for seven years, something happened,
not miraculously, something happened magically in the wrong direction, and
I immediately craved alcohol. I never craved alcohol my entire life.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Alcohol was a.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Leave it or take it type of thing. I was
more definitely the other way.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
But the moment I took that drink, that drink took me.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
And during that time, my beautiful wife who I just married,
that I promised her a life and we were gonna
have a life of spirituality, and I was gonna go
to the gym, and I was gonna go to meetings,
and we're gonna go to church, all the things I
promised her that when out the window with one drink.
All the promises, everything that I said to debt to
us part for sickness and health, for better, for worse,
(06:57):
it all came into fruition. The moment I took that drink,
all our vows went out the window. Everything I had
promised became a distant memory. And it was during that
time that my wife would stay home at night, waiting
and looking out the window, waiting to see if I
would come home, waiting to see if she'd.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Get a call from the police.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Because she didn't marry into a family of alcohol active alcoholism.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
She married a person that was supposed.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
To be going to meetings of alcoholics, anonymous, a person
that she thought believed that he was powerless of her alcohol.
And it was the time that I did until I didn't.
And so night after night she would look out the window,
waiting for my car, or waiting for the call, and
the lies and the broken promises, and the telling guy
was one place and being in another getting called from
(07:49):
the police department, getting called from the Miami Police Department
for her, and then and then the stories that followed.
You know, you know, another misrepresentation. The Hollywood Police Department
has it out for me. The Miami Police Department has
it out for me, the pop and O Police Department
has it out.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
They'll all have it out for me. I'm just a
nice guy, and everybody's misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
I just wanted to take a nap in the car.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I didn't know the thing. You don't stay to old
police officers, don't you know.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
I pay your salary.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
And I was.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Arrested multiple times that year. Yes, not for long term,
Jerry or Jerry was you know says that I didn't
do long term.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Let me take it. It's long term for me.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Will If you're in the middle of the run and
it gets stopped and you get stucked in jail, I
don't care.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
If it's ten hours, that's a long ten hours.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
And then you know, you got to pool in front
of somebody. If you stay there longer, you got a
pool in front of somebody.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
That's that's serious business.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
I have trouble pooing behind closed doors, let alone in
front of somebody. And so that's when my wife, because
of the beautiful hands of alcoholics, Anonymous, pointed her to
alan On, and alan On pointed her to God, and
(09:19):
alan On repaired our marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
And so when I make those cute little jokes. There
are jokes.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
But then I have to clean them up immediately, which
is also part of my Step nine amens because alan
On to me is one of the most precious part
And if you don't know what that is, it's a
program that's an adjunct program for people that are in
relationship with alcoholics, and men and women put our marriage
back together through the rooms of alcohol, through rooms of
aln on, and then taught my wife all this secret
(09:49):
lingo language that I.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Was not that happy with, to be honest with you,
which are the three seeds.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
It's not an alan I meaning, but I just want
to tell you the three seeds of serious busines. And
everybody that's in a relationship with an alcoholic or even
in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Should know the three seeds, especially if you're co dependent.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
The three secs I think is that you didn't she
didn't cause my problem, she couldn't cure my problem, and
she couldn't control my problem. She likes to use those
three seas in a lot of different ways today.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
And so when we.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Get to step seven, which is humbly asking God to
remove our shortcomings, and one of my shortcomings iss procrastination,
and I know that immediately the work has to be
done for their list that I need to make for
the amends. Immediately inside me is this feeling that I
(10:49):
don't want to make the list. Well not really, I
want to make the list.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
But not today because I don't know if you have prograstination.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Prograstination is this sin that really like hides itself as
your tire. And so I knew I was gonna have
to go back over the fourth step. Hey, Karina, I
knew I was gonna have to go over the fourth
step and go through the fourth step and find all
these people that needed to make amends. Of course, chief
(11:18):
one is my mom and my parents, excuse me, my
wife and my parents. But there was a lot of
people I was gonna have to be made willing to
make amends to them, all people I've harmed, people I
harmed by omission, people I've harmed directly, and I was
gonna have to go back and make those right. But
first I was gonna have to make a list. And
(11:39):
here is where the only thing that matters is pen
to paper. We have to be entirely ready and completely
willing to make amends to them. All got to eave
me a second. My book fell, so I'm not I'm
(12:27):
just going to hold the book. There's people that have
multiple lists. They have different lists. They have lists of
the people that they're willing to make amends to, they
have lists of people that they're not ready to make
amends to, and the people that they're not ever going
to make amends to.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
I don't see the step as that. In step eight,
I see that we need to make the list.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
These are the people I've harmed, and I need to
be made willing to make amends to them all.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
And really, how free do I want to be?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
What do I want to have what these people have?
I want to have the freedom that this man is.
Do I want to have the freedom of these people?
Or do I want to be half free? I want
to be fully free. I want to I want to
be so free that when I walk into a room,
I know that I'm either either I've made the amends
or I'm absolutely willing to make demands at that moment.
(13:18):
But I need a list because I have a built
in forgetter. So I have to make a list. And
the list is in step eight, and I'm gonna write
down everybody's names. Now, the thing about making the list
is you're not at making the amends yet, So write
down the names. You're gonna work with your sponsor and
step nine you're gonna work with your sponsor on how
to go about making the amends.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
But step eight is not about making the amends. It's
about making the list. And trust me, if you're not
even willing to make.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
The list, then you're not willing to make the amends.
You're just gonna get the low hanging fruit amends. You
are the easy ones, the ones that are easy, the
ones that, hey, I'm sorry, and you know that your
mom's gonna say, don't worry, just stay sober.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Those type of mens, well, maybe don't your.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Mom being made willing to make amends them all.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
This is the integral part of the program.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
This is you know, like in step four when Penn
hits the paper, if you can't fake that, you could
fake step three. You're on your knees here as a sponsor.
You got the card out, you're doing the third step prayer.
He's not watching, she's not watching. You're doing it on
the side. You could fake it, But you can't fake
step four because Penn has to hit the paper, and
(14:29):
your sponsor's going to know, right, your sponsor knows if
you didn't write it, write write it down. And step eight,
you're going to know if you didn't write down the names,
because you're not going to be willing to make amends them.
I was very blessed that I was willing to make
amends them. But then because of alan On and because
of my wife's heavy handedness in a good way, she
(14:54):
was like working in cahoots with my sponsor, so they
were dictating on how fast I was going to make
amends because I was not living at home. She had
put me out, praise God, and I was living in
a halfway house.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
I don't know, if you know what a halfway house
is is the house you don't own.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
And like a couple of months earlier, I had owned
my own house, but now I'm living in with other
people that I don't own.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
The house, and I'm in a halfway house.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
And she definitely let me know, You're never coming home
to the full house unless the amends are made.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
And so I had, like I had like.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Incentive because I'm living with stinky, stinky feet Mason and
Big Eddie and I want to get home, and so
directed the mends were gonna have to be made.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
And I started making those direct amends.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Because the only thing that matters in direct amends, The
only thing that matters in the Emens process is thoroughness, sincerity,
and willingness to go to any length to make right
what we did wrong.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Who knows the.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
Page of the promises Pete Peter. Whenever Peter's around, I
start shaking. It's terrible, but I.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Want my jacket just in case that it's all working out.
I'm fitzing like a mofa Uneasier, though it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
I'm looking nuggage and everything's fine.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We
must take the lead.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Listen, we didn't cause this overnight, and it's not going
to be an overnight matter to fix this.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
But it needs to be met.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Head on if we're ever going to fix it. Wishing
their men's process to happen and not making it doesn't
have an All that makes is more resentments. A remorseful
mumbling that we're sorry won't fit the bill at all.
We ought to sit down with the family and frankly
analyze the past as we now see it being very
(17:10):
careful not to criticize them. Nothing matters as intense humility
when it comes to the ninth step. I'm not going
to bring up in the ninth step anything you did
to make me do the things I did. That's not
a night step. That's more problem. That's that's creating wreckage
in your present. I just want to tell you how
(17:33):
terrible I feel about what I did, and I'm here
to make see how we can make it right.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
But I just want to let you know why I
did it. That no, no, no, no, that's not going
to go over.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Their defects of character may be glaring. It doesn't matter
you did it. This is your last column. Where were
you wrong? The spiritual life is not a theory. We
have to live it. There's a The ninth step is tough.
(18:10):
There's some wrongs we can't make right. It says, never
make fully right.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
But the attemptees have been made.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
We don't worry about them if we can honestly say
to ourselves that we would right them if we could.
There's a couple of people still in my life, God
bless you, that I have not gotten personally in contact
with because I haven't been able to find them, or
they're actually very very good at hiding themselves from me
at this point still, but I am totally willing to
(18:48):
make amends if they ever come out of hiding, if
they ever wish to be found, is.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
What I'm trying to say. They're not in hiding.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
I can't find them, but I have a couple of
big ones that need to be made, and they need
to be made.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
But the Lord knows my heart.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Like I've searched, I've contacted their family members. I've sent
them Facebook not requests because I can't find them, but
I've sent their family members Facebook requests. I've done everything
that I possibly can do that I know how to
do to get in touch with them, and they, for
some reason, whatever God's reason is for this, I can't
get in touch with them.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
But God knows my heart. Now this is where I
just hope we don't do the mantra.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Okay, there's some things in Alcoholics Anonymous that we've kind
of made like a mantra, like the Lord's Prayer, which
is one of the most powerful player of prayers in
the entire universe. It's not a Christian prayer, it's a
prayer prayer, and we kind of say the Lord's prayer
is like past the.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Bread, when it's really like an amazing prayer.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
And this is where in the Night Step promises that
we kind of we say it out loud, but we
really don't understand sometimes the magnificent weight that these promises have.
Peter showed me a while back on page fifty two
the bedevilments, and I shared that with you in the
second week. The b devilments, the the Ninth Step promises
(20:19):
are the answer to some of those.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Bedevilments, and I'm gonna ask you not.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
To repeat them, just listen to them maybe if you've
heard her for the first time, just for tonight.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
I'm gonna say, I'm slower.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
If we're painstaking about this phase of our development, which
is the Ninth Step and really everything that led up
to the Ninth Step, we're going to be amazed before
we're halfway through the Ninth Step. And when I say that,
it means that you're all the way through nine and
a half steps.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Some people put it out there, and I've heard it
said this way before. We're really only talking about when we're.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Saying being amazed before we're halfway through it's halfway through
the ninth step. But you would have never got to
the night halfway through the night step if you didn't
do the previous eight steps to the best of your ability.
So it's really the last nine and a half steps.
We'll be amazed before we're halfway through. And he says,
we're going to know a new freedom.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I think that's the first one. I'm going to know
a new freedom.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
I want a new freedom. Who signed up for a
new freedom? We want a new freedom.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I don't want the old freedom.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I want a new freedom. The scream just went like,
I don't know if that means anything.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Just let you know. It's good, all right, it's totally blank.
It all right. I'm powerless of the situation. My life
is fine. I want a new freedom.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
I've been looking for a new freedom my entire life.
When I was five years old, I got kicked out
of the when I was four. I got kicked out
of Missus mcgillcuddy's class when I was four. I've been restless, irritable,
and discontent ever since four years old.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
I've been in a million.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Scuffles, a million altercations because of my restless, irritable, and discontent,
and I really would like to have a new freedom.
You're telling me that I'll be amazed before I'm halfway through,
and there's going to be a new freedom and a
new happiness. I'm writing this stuff down. I'm signing up
for this. Druggs and alcohol over promised and underdelivered. Over
promised and underdelivered told me that I was going.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
To have a freedom and put me in bondage.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Now you tell me that if I write this ninth
step and I go back, and I'm entirely willing.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
To make amensit these people all that I'm having new freedom, I'm.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
In It's blank, but you'll see its blank. It's not
me making it up.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Your about.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut
the door on our past. That's a big promise. We
will not regret the past nor wish to shut the
door on it.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
That only can come from God.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I mean, I have some stuff in my past that
I wish to not think about.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
But this is what God says.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Your past tests are now your new testimonies. As long
as you're good there. I don't think you're good. This
whole thing is shut down.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
We're not good.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
It ran out of man maybe like saying it's good.
But this is all down, it's coming back. I'm gonna
get serious for a second. My wife is said, I'm
gonna get serious for a second.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
It's not a joke. I'm gonna get serious.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
My wife didn't know what my past was. In my
previous sobriety driving out of a meeting of alcoholics anonymous,
I did the most heenious crime if you're in a
committed relationship. I tried to pick up a female coming
out of the meeting of the Fort Lauderdelle men's group.
I tried to pick up a female on the street.
(24:28):
Can imagine how hard this is for my wife to hear,
even thirty years later.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
She didn't know I did that. I was arrested for that.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
When we went to go adopt our baby, we were
told a man like we can never adopt.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
A baby in the state of Florida.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
My wife said to the man Joe on the phone,
what do you mean a man like my husband can
never adopt in the state of floor What does that mean?
So your husband has charges for solicitation. My wife had
never heard that before we got married, but while we
were dating being restless, irritable, and discontent and having this
(25:05):
god size hole in me. I tried to fill it
with outside things, and I had never told her. So
here we are married ten years and twelve years earlier,
I was arrested for picking up this woman that was
a police officer.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Yeah, that I can laugh, because that's not good. That's
a bad thing.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
And then to compound that, I met people in the
jail that knew me from the twelve Step house that
were drunk, and I had to tell them I was
there with hospitals and institutions taking.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Meetings into the jails.
Speaker 5 (25:53):
So now I'm in the jail for prostitution purchasing, not selling,
of course, playing like I'm working there for hospitals and
institutions for alcoholics.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
And not even Peter laughed.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
I just want to let you know he's trying not
to laugh the entire time, but that he laughed.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Can you imagine the amends that needs to be made
to your wife when she finds out that the reason
that you cannot adopt in the state of Florida is
because something you never told her about when you were dating.
Can you imagine the type of amends that need to
be made. We will not regret the past, and I
wish to shut the door on it. Come on, that's
(26:43):
only a promise that can company gone. Not only did
I wish to shut the door on that past, I
don't even it hurts talking about it thirty years this
is thirty years now. It still hurts her and hurts
me that I hurt her.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Now.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
I know that there's people that don't understand this where
this comes from the Bible.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
And I'll use a separate word since I know.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
People in here don't believe in exactly what I'm about
to say, so I'm gonna use a separate word. My
amends to my wife goes on daily for what I
did thirty years ago, and not in a groveling way.
But when I say I've made a covenant with my eyes,
it needs to be because not only what I did
(27:31):
thirty years ago, but what I'm capable of doing today.
And if I want to live a changed life, if
I want to not regret the past, no wish to
shut the door on it, I cannot be creating new
wreckage in my present. Otherwise that door never gets shut.
There was a girl in here tonight that just walked
(27:53):
in just now. She was in the gym today. She
saw me in the gym. She didn't act like she
saw me, and I didn't act like I saw her
because she was into her workout and I was with
my son, my fourteen year old son, and.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I was giving her space. She was giving me space.
But I can't guarantee you.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
If Christine talks to you right now, she'll tell you
that I keep my eyes focused on either the floor
or my son or the ceiling when I'm in the gym,
and not because and not because that's natural for me.
(28:28):
It's not natural. I want to look around.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Because it's unnatural for me.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
If I want a new freedom and a new happiness,
I have to behave myself in a new freedom, in
a new happiness type of way. I can't still do
the things that I used to do and get different results.
I have to do different things and I'll get different results.
The ninth step promis is not just about writing. This
about an entire change of life. This is about the
old is now new. The past is now gone, but
(28:56):
it can come back at any time.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Thank you. This is so much better. Hi. Sorry about that, guys, Maria,
Sorry about that. Maria Vecchio and Denise and everybody.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Sorry, So do you think I went down the scale
pretty far by what I had, what.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
My wife found out.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
And still God redeemed that those of you know that
we have a beautiful fourteen year old at home. Tomorrow
we're taking him to Universal Studios, to the New Park.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Yeah, God still redeemed.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
The way that I used to act, because the new man.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Is not the man that he called and said, your husband,
who can never adopt in the state of Florida. A
man like your husband can I adopt because the man
like I was shouldn't be able to adopt. But the
new man of alcoholics, anonymous of God, has been given
the opportunity to adount fourteen years ago. Amen, we will
comprehend the words serenity. You will know peace, no God,
(30:03):
know no God, know peace.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
If you know God, you know peace. If you have
no God, then you have no peace and no Yes.
But the way I said it just inferred that was okay.
(30:27):
So today you have to ask yourself, if.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
You're walking around with no peace, it's possible that you
don't kN o no to God. You don't know God
because God is the author and the finisher of peace.
And if you're physically sober but mentally unstable.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
It's probably just because you're double minded.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
And if you're in double minded, it's going to create
this this incongruence between your mind and your spirit, and
that's going to create a instability in.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Your spiritual in your spiritual life.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
This is just some big words which I'm even a
press myself that I even came up with him just
now to see when your inside conversation lines up with
your outside conversation, that produces.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Peace, right, which is what you're searching for. Right peace, The.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Peace that doesn't make any sense, The peace that only
comes from God. It never gonna come from drugs and alcohols,
and never gonna come from outside stuff. This God's size
hole can only be filled with the Creator. I smile
at that because I believe it.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
I believe that. And anytime I'm.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Walking around Wrestle's heretom with discondemned, my partners here tell
you anytime that I'm walking around wrestles irritable discontents because
I'm filled.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Up with me and not of God. That's all simple
as that.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
More of God, the more of He, less of me, peace,
more of me less of heat instability, no matter how
far down the scale we have gone, and some of
us have went down that scale. Right, Kubby was in
a trunk that's pretty low, drunk of a car. I
(32:03):
was in jail, pretending I was there. With hospitals and institutions,
we can see how our experience. Look what I did
and what I did to my wife, and what I
did to my family.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Look the wats this. Look how my experience is benefiting you.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
No matter how far down the scale you've gone, we
can see how our experience can benefit others.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
My telling my story, although is a in a humorous
type of way, is not humorous to my family, but
it helps other people.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Can you imagine we all came in here and we
said we didn't do anything wrong. How could it help
the newcomer? Now, this is a direct blessing from the
bedevelopments on page fifty two. Where we felt useless.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Remember what says I'm internou to we felt useful.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. If
you have a sponseee, you're automatically not feeling useless. That's
why it's very important to have sponsy, right, that's why
we need to have sponses.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
They need you, You need them, iron shoppers.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Iron If you're here and you're sober longer then a
couple of weeks, then you don't have a You know,
if you've worked the steps, most of them like you.
If you've gotten to the tense step and you still
don't have a sponsee, you're a little you. Maybe you
look behind. And I don't say that to challenge you.
I say that. I say that Bill w Doctor Bob
had three weeks. Matter of fact, one of them only
(33:47):
had a couple of weeks. There's always an opportunity to help,
and then those feelings of uselessness of self people that
goes away the moment you start reading a book.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
I have this beautiful sponsor in the front row. He doesn't.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
He's not familiar with the language of nineteen thirty five
to nineteen thirty nine, and.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
I love when we get in there and it he's like,
what does this mean? So awesome. He's smarter than me,
but I am older.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
The moment he says what does this mean, I'm like, well,
let me share with you, grasshopper, what this means.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
And the moment I do that, my feeling of useless.
Is this uppeating? He slips away.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
Our whole attitude in life, and our outlook will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
That has happened. It happens. It happens. I'm not saying
it happens all the time, but it happens all of
a sudden.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
You're like, there's not enough money here, and there's a
there's a feeling that comes over and says not all
the time. Most of the time, God tells you it's
gonna be okay. That feeling of it's gonna be okay.
God's gonna provide. He always has. Hasn't God always provided?
(35:17):
Hasn't he always provided? He always provides. Maybe it's not
exactly the way right.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Moving to Tampa, going to Tampa tomorrow. We're going to Tampa.
Last minute. God's a god of twelve oh five. You
know how the clock.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Goes, Well, not that clock, but regular clocks. There's a
twelve and all the numbers right the clocks. God goes
he doesn't have a clock. His clock is twelve oh five.
Right when I think it's it's it, This is it,
This is it.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Gud's like it was never it, this is what you need.
Here you go.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
The amount comes in right at that exact moment that
the bill that you didn't ah.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
That exact moment, something comes in and you're like, ah.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
But God, say but God, that's a butt God story
right there. But God, it's only but God. And then
the last thing I want to leave you is that
we will intuitively know, I said to Russell. And Russell knows.
I said, Russell, when is this?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
When do you get more money?
Speaker 1 (36:32):
It always seems like I'm on the man of program.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
The man of program is God just gives you enough
for the day, and you don't have extra.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
You try to hold it in it and just goes Wait.
Russell said, you will never have money, however, it won't
bother you.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
And I was like, okay, I don't know how it
made me feel, but but I got what he was saying.
God always provides, doesn't he monock on me? It always provides.
He always provides. We will suddenly realize that God is
doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Now, these are the promises.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
What is it going to take to have these promises
come true? You're going to need to be willing to
make amends to all the people you've harmed and be
willing to make that right. You don't show up at
the amends that for somebody that you financially owe a
ton of money to do and show up with it
and I'm sorry. You show up with an envelope and
(37:30):
a plan. Show up at Uncle Joe's house. You own
seven thousand dollars and you come up with and I'm sorry,
and I'm gonna do better.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
That's not gonna go right.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
You come up with a plan, my dad, and may
God rest his soul went to the Lord. With the
twenty eight years of sobriety he was in Gambler's Anonymous.
He paid back the casinos one hundred dollars every casino,
one hundred dollars a month for thirty years, all the casino.
Every month he wrote a check to pay them back.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Was that? Was that all the money that he owed them?
Speaker 2 (38:03):
Note? Did they let him off? Eventually they got tired
and they just let him off. Your willingness to make
things right is all that counts.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
There is There.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Is nothing in the world that makes you feel better
than having the opportunity to make things right. I live
in the opportunity to make things right with my wife.
I live in the opportunity to make things right with
my parents. I live in the opportunity to make things
right with the people that i'm that i'm in relations
to me.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
I live for the opportunity to make things right.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
The Bible says that God says, if you keep asking
him for gifts but you have something against your brother,
leave those gifts at the altar, go settle with your brother.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
Then come back and he'll bless you.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
If you're responsible with the small things, God will bless
you with the big things.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
If you're not responsible with the small things, he won't
bless you with the big things. He is a spiritual principle.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
I think when it comes to the ninth step, there's
nothing more spiritual than making an appointment, don't you do?
Speaker 1 (39:06):
You don't just show up. You make an appointment with
a person.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
You have a plan, You're check it out with a sponsor.
Here's the plan. Excuse me, this is my intention. Then
your sponsor comes in with the plan. Because on my
first ninth step it was all girls. I wanted to
go back with my big book and my Bible, and
I wanted to be in shape, and I wanted to.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
Show them what they missed out on my high Susie cute.
I'm sorry, and you could have had this.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
My sponsor, Jerry Bear at the time, he's looked at
this and he says.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
You know, you're not gonna go to this one. You're
not gonna go to this one. You're not gonna go
to this one. You're not gonna go to this one.
Not gonna go to this one.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
You're gonna be making amends to a lot of women,
but none of them that know you. There's gonna be
women's organizations all over the world that you're gonna be
making amends to, but none of the people that know you.
Speaker 1 (40:02):
Your main amends to these women is never to speak
to them again.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
However, there's gonna be entire shelters that you fund for
the rest of your life.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
And he was right.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
My intention was not to go back and make right
things right. My intention was to get another date.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
That's why you need a sponsor. You need a sponsor
when it comes to the Knights. The last thing I
want to leave. You need to have someone that comes
before you.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
You need to have someone that you walk with, and
you need to have a sponsor.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
That's after you. That's a spiritual principle.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
A person that's walked before you, a person that's walking
with you, and a person that's walking after you, not
be behind you, but after you. And then you now
take the next person, and you put that person's hand
in your hand, and you do the next thing. And
that's how this thing goes on. This nobody has all
the answers. As a matter of fact, some of the
people that have all the answers, they don't have the answers.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
God will constantly disclose to you and to us his
answers for you.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
I can't tell you how many times I went to
my sponsors said should I date this person, should I
take this job?
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Should I do this? And the sponsor was wrong because
it's just a person.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
But every time that I go to God, every time
I go to the Creator, every time I ask for
its praise, every time I ask.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
You, is this is the place I should be? God
has never let me die.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
And I'm not saying I hear from God audibly like
Moses on the mountain, but I definitely hear in our
innermal cells and the Holy Spirit what should be done?
Speaker 1 (41:41):
And was shot He listen. If you're on the I
said this last week.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
If you're on the line at treatment and you see
the person of your dreams, your soulmate, and they happen
to be on the same medline, that's probably not you.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
Solat you look at them and they have the same
you know, tope bag.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
As you, and same T shirt as you, and they're
on the same van with the same name, it's probably
not going to be your soulmate.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
That's when you should pause and ask God for INDs. Preach.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
There's nothing that's going to set your life right than
being right with God and then going back and making
right your wrongs with your fellows.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
I'll see you guys next week
Hi, everybody.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
My name is Stevie Bham Recovered alcoholic, remember the Golden
Text group of alcoholics Anonymous, And I'm very very happy
to be here with you guys tonight. What do you
think I think it looks amazing cool. Sheldon is a
(00:23):
little under the weather tonight and he's tired, so he's
taking a rest and we will definitely appreciate all he
does and all everything that you guys do in this group.
And my wife is here tonight, Sandra, and she comes
once a whole step series on step nine to make
sure that I bring it up everything that I have
(00:44):
to make amends for. She's a member of allan On,
so they promptly admit when we're wrong, and she wants
to make sure that I'm involved in that tonight.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
So I definitely she's doing the allen On salute to
me right now. She's doing that right now.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
So blessed to be here tonight and to have my
beautiful wife here. And Mom is in New York, so
thank you for all her well wishes. And you know,
I just want to just take a moment. We had
a lot of people tonight that one year, two years
that are celebrating this next month. I mean, every medallion
(01:22):
is incredibly important, but in this day and age, how
hard it is with the amount of temptation, with the
amount of pressure, with the amount of drugs that are prevailed,
that are that are permissible, that are going on everywhere,
and to have people still picking up one year of
medallions to two year medallions just speaks so much on
(01:46):
what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous stands for and what
you guys put out for us and the path that
we get to follow, and that this thing continues to work.
So I think we just give God a round of
applause right now, and I just want to just say something.
(02:08):
I'm not trying to clean anything up at alan On
saved our marriage.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
So I was seven years.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I was seven years with sodriety that I got from Sherry.
She told me that I was seven years in sodriety,
which means I hadn't worked the steps. I was seven
years physically clean, not mentally or spiritually clean.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
And I relapsed.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
And during that time of that relapse, I had gotten
married right before the relapse, and we had a beautiful
a wedding and people flew in all around the country
and I was stark, raving, sober, and I had alcoholism
all over me, and she didn't know it because because
alcoholism to us, we thought it was actively drinking.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
But it turns out that.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
After alcohol, active alcoholism in our lives had nothing to
do with active drinking.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
It had to do with stinking thinking. And we went
to New Orleans.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Of course, because my wife is not from this country
and she didn't know what New Orleans stood for.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
I told her New Orleans stood for jazz, but I
knew that New Orleans for me would.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Stand for boos and boobies, and she didn't know anything
about that.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
And we went down to New Orleans and.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
She and I was five years in sodriety, and it
looked like I was sober physically sober, but I was
hoping that she would take a drink, even though she
hasn't had a drink since she's seventeen, so she had
about like like twenty five years of sobriety when we
got married, and I was trying to get her to drink.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
That's just what I just want to show you my mentality.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
I was trying to get her a drink because I
felt if she drank, we'd have more fun if I
was five years sober.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
This is five years not.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Working the program as outline, not chopping, would not carrying water,
just doing like, you know, a little chopping like.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
A glass of water.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
And so I'm hoping that if she drinks, I can
vicariously lived through the unmanageability of being on Bourbon Street
and that whole craziness. And it was there during that
time at New Orleans, during our honeymoon, that I saw
people drinking fine wine and I had never seen a
fine wine presentation that at least I don't know, and
(04:14):
I thought to myself, I'm probably not powerless over fine
wine and things like that.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
I knew I was powerless over hard drugs. I knew
I was powerless over all drugs. That was obvious. I
was rolled up in a carpet.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
I was peeping out of windows for three days at
a time with one eye. That's very, very hard to do.
But alcohol, to me was a subtle foe. And it
was during that time, during my fifth year, that I
really believed I was not powerless over alcohol anymore. It
took two more years and I came back to my
(04:47):
home group and I told them I didn't think I
was powerless, and they said, please just keep coming back.
It's going to work if you continue to keep it
coming back.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
And they were right.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
If I would have admitted to my innermo self that
I was an alcoholic or at least powerless over alcohol,
remember I was over five years, but.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
I didn't think I was powerless.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
And so I picked up my seven year mid dine
at the twelve Step House in the eleven step group,
and I went out to try some to try to
find fine wine. But you really need to know what
you're doing with fine wine. There's a presentation involved there.
There's actually spending money on fine wine, you know, Zack.
It's like it's like a like a high end type
of thing, you know. And I wound up at August
Moon Chinese food restaurant on Federal Highway, and they had
(05:29):
Japanese rice wine in a box. So it really wasn't
what I had intended. But at that moment, seven years
was out the window, you see. Seven years went out
the window. Me not willing to admit that I was
powerless over alcohol.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Seven years went out the window.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
And I want to share something with you, and if
you knew this is very very important it wore of
you here for a very very long time.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
This is very very important. It's so much easier to
stay sober than it is.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
To get so And the moment I had that alcohol
go into my body, even though I was not a
pure alcoholic, not even not even at that time, was
even a real alcoholic per se.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I was more of a drug addict that shouldn't drink.
Speaker 2 (06:04):
But the moment I took that drink, I became a
real alcohol The moment that alcohol hit my system, after
not having alcohol in my body for seven years, something happened,
not miraculously, something happened magically in the wrong direction, and
I immediately craved alcohol. I never craved alcohol my entire life.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Alcohol was a.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Leave it or take it type of thing. I was
more definitely the other way.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
But the moment I took that drink, that drink took me.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
And during that time, my beautiful wife who I just married,
that I promised her a life and we were gonna
have a life of spirituality, and I was gonna go
to the gym, and I was gonna go to meetings,
and we're gonna go to church, all the things I
promised her that when out the window with one drink.
All the promises, everything that I said to debt to
us part for sickness and health, for better, for worse,
(06:57):
it all came into fruition. The moment I took that drink,
all our vows went out the window. Everything I had
promised became a distant memory. And it was during that
time that my wife would stay home at night, waiting
and looking out the window, waiting to see if I
would come home, waiting to see if she'd.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Get a call from the police.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Because she didn't marry into a family of alcohol active alcoholism.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
She married a person that was supposed.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
To be going to meetings of alcoholics, anonymous, a person
that she thought believed that he was powerless of her alcohol.
And it was the time that I did until I didn't.
And so night after night she would look out the window,
waiting for my car, or waiting for the call, and
the lies and the broken promises, and the telling guy
was one place and being in another getting called from
(07:49):
the police department, getting called from the Miami Police Department
for her, and then and then the stories that followed.
You know, you know, another misrepresentation. The Hollywood Police Department
has it out for me. The Miami Police Department has
it out for me, the pop and O Police Department
has it out.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
They'll all have it out for me. I'm just a
nice guy, and everybody's misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
I just wanted to take a nap in the car.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I didn't know the thing. You don't stay to old
police officers, don't you know.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
I pay your salary.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
And I was.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Arrested multiple times that year. Yes, not for long term,
Jerry or Jerry was you know says that I didn't
do long term.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
Let me take it. It's long term for me.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Will If you're in the middle of the run and
it gets stopped and you get stucked in jail, I
don't care.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
If it's ten hours, that's a long ten hours.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
And then you know, you got to pool in front
of somebody. If you stay there longer, you got a
pool in front of somebody.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
That's that's serious business.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
I have trouble pooing behind closed doors, let alone in
front of somebody. And so that's when my wife, because
of the beautiful hands of alcoholics, Anonymous, pointed her to
alan On, and alan On pointed her to God, and
(09:19):
alan On repaired our marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
And so when I make those cute little jokes. There
are jokes.
Speaker 2 (09:26):
But then I have to clean them up immediately, which
is also part of my Step nine amens because alan
On to me is one of the most precious part
And if you don't know what that is, it's a
program that's an adjunct program for people that are in
relationship with alcoholics, and men and women put our marriage
back together through the rooms of alcohol, through rooms of
aln on, and then taught my wife all this secret
(09:49):
lingo language that I.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Was not that happy with, to be honest with you,
which are the three seeds.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
It's not an alan I meaning, but I just want
to tell you the three seeds of serious busines. And
everybody that's in a relationship with an alcoholic or even
in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Should know the three seeds, especially if you're co dependent.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
The three secs I think is that you didn't she
didn't cause my problem, she couldn't cure my problem, and
she couldn't control my problem. She likes to use those
three seas in a lot of different ways today.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
And so when we.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Get to step seven, which is humbly asking God to
remove our shortcomings, and one of my shortcomings iss procrastination,
and I know that immediately the work has to be
done for their list that I need to make for
the amends. Immediately inside me is this feeling that I
(10:49):
don't want to make the list. Well not really, I
want to make the list.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
But not today because I don't know if you have prograstination.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Prograstination is this sin that really like hides itself as
your tire. And so I knew I was gonna have
to go back over the fourth step. Hey, Karina, I
knew I was gonna have to go over the fourth
step and go through the fourth step and find all
these people that needed to make amends. Of course, chief
(11:18):
one is my mom and my parents, excuse me, my
wife and my parents. But there was a lot of
people I was gonna have to be made willing to
make amends to them, all people I've harmed, people I
harmed by omission, people I've harmed directly, and I was
gonna have to go back and make those right. But
first I was gonna have to make a list. And
(11:39):
here is where the only thing that matters is pen
to paper. We have to be entirely ready and completely
willing to make amends to them. All got to eave
me a second. My book fell, so I'm not I'm
(12:27):
just going to hold the book. There's people that have
multiple lists. They have different lists. They have lists of
the people that they're willing to make amends to, they
have lists of people that they're not ready to make
amends to, and the people that they're not ever going
to make amends to.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
I don't see the step as that. In step eight,
I see that we need to make the list.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
These are the people I've harmed, and I need to
be made willing to make amends to them all.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
And really, how free do I want to be?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
What do I want to have what these people have?
I want to have the freedom that this man is.
Do I want to have the freedom of these people?
Or do I want to be half free? I want
to be fully free. I want to I want to
be so free that when I walk into a room,
I know that I'm either either I've made the amends
or I'm absolutely willing to make demands at that moment.
(13:18):
But I need a list because I have a built
in forgetter. So I have to make a list. And
the list is in step eight, and I'm gonna write
down everybody's names. Now, the thing about making the list
is you're not at making the amends yet, So write
down the names. You're gonna work with your sponsor and
step nine you're gonna work with your sponsor on how
to go about making the amends.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
But step eight is not about making the amends. It's
about making the list. And trust me, if you're not
even willing to make.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
The list, then you're not willing to make the amends.
You're just gonna get the low hanging fruit amends. You
are the easy ones, the ones that are easy, the
ones that, hey, I'm sorry, and you know that your
mom's gonna say, don't worry, just stay sober.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Those type of mens, well, maybe don't your.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Mom being made willing to make amends them all.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
This is the integral part of the program.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
This is you know, like in step four when Penn
hits the paper, if you can't fake that, you could
fake step three. You're on your knees here as a sponsor.
You got the card out, you're doing the third step prayer.
He's not watching, she's not watching. You're doing it on
the side. You could fake it, But you can't fake
step four because Penn has to hit the paper, and
(14:29):
your sponsor's going to know, right, your sponsor knows if
you didn't write it, write write it down. And step eight,
you're going to know if you didn't write down the names,
because you're not going to be willing to make amends them.
I was very blessed that I was willing to make
amends them. But then because of alan On and because
of my wife's heavy handedness in a good way, she
(14:54):
was like working in cahoots with my sponsor, so they
were dictating on how fast I was going to make
amends because I was not living at home. She had
put me out, praise God, and I was living in
a halfway house.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
I don't know, if you know what a halfway house
is is the house you don't own.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
And like a couple of months earlier, I had owned
my own house, but now I'm living in with other
people that I don't own.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
The house, and I'm in a halfway house.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
And she definitely let me know, You're never coming home
to the full house unless the amends are made.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
And so I had, like I had like.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Incentive because I'm living with stinky, stinky feet Mason and
Big Eddie and I want to get home, and so
directed the mends were gonna have to be made.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
And I started making those direct amends.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Because the only thing that matters in direct amends, The
only thing that matters in the Emens process is thoroughness, sincerity,
and willingness to go to any length to make right
what we did wrong.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Who knows the.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
Page of the promises Pete Peter. Whenever Peter's around, I
start shaking. It's terrible, but I.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
Want my jacket just in case that it's all working out.
I'm fitzing like a mofa Uneasier, though it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
I'm looking nuggage and everything's fine.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We
must take the lead.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Listen, we didn't cause this overnight, and it's not going
to be an overnight matter to fix this.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
But it needs to be met.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Head on if we're ever going to fix it. Wishing
their men's process to happen and not making it doesn't
have an All that makes is more resentments. A remorseful
mumbling that we're sorry won't fit the bill at all.
We ought to sit down with the family and frankly
analyze the past as we now see it being very
(17:10):
careful not to criticize them. Nothing matters as intense humility
when it comes to the ninth step. I'm not going
to bring up in the ninth step anything you did
to make me do the things I did. That's not
a night step. That's more problem. That's that's creating wreckage
in your present. I just want to tell you how
(17:33):
terrible I feel about what I did, and I'm here
to make see how we can make it right.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
But I just want to let you know why I
did it. That no, no, no, no, that's not going
to go over.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Their defects of character may be glaring. It doesn't matter
you did it. This is your last column. Where were
you wrong? The spiritual life is not a theory. We
have to live it. There's a The ninth step is tough.
(18:10):
There's some wrongs we can't make right. It says, never
make fully right.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
But the attemptees have been made.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
We don't worry about them if we can honestly say
to ourselves that we would right them if we could.
There's a couple of people still in my life, God
bless you, that I have not gotten personally in contact
with because I haven't been able to find them, or
they're actually very very good at hiding themselves from me
at this point still, but I am totally willing to
(18:48):
make amends if they ever come out of hiding, if
they ever wish to be found, is.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
What I'm trying to say. They're not in hiding.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
I can't find them, but I have a couple of
big ones that need to be made, and they need
to be made.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
But the Lord knows my heart.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Like I've searched, I've contacted their family members. I've sent
them Facebook not requests because I can't find them, but
I've sent their family members Facebook requests. I've done everything
that I possibly can do that I know how to
do to get in touch with them, and they, for
some reason, whatever God's reason is for this, I can't
get in touch with them.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
But God knows my heart. Now this is where I
just hope we don't do the mantra.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Okay, there's some things in Alcoholics Anonymous that we've kind
of made like a mantra, like the Lord's Prayer, which
is one of the most powerful player of prayers in
the entire universe. It's not a Christian prayer, it's a
prayer prayer, and we kind of say the Lord's prayer
is like past the.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Bread, when it's really like an amazing prayer.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
And this is where in the Night Step promises that
we kind of we say it out loud, but we
really don't understand sometimes the magnificent weight that these promises have.
Peter showed me a while back on page fifty two
the bedevilments, and I shared that with you in the
second week. The b devilments, the the Ninth Step promises
(20:19):
are the answer to some of those.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
Bedevilments, and I'm gonna ask you not.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
To repeat them, just listen to them maybe if you've
heard her for the first time, just for tonight.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
I'm gonna say, I'm slower.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
If we're painstaking about this phase of our development, which
is the Ninth Step and really everything that led up
to the Ninth Step, we're going to be amazed before
we're halfway through the Ninth Step. And when I say that,
it means that you're all the way through nine and
a half steps.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Some people put it out there, and I've heard it
said this way before. We're really only talking about when we're.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Saying being amazed before we're halfway through it's halfway through
the ninth step. But you would have never got to
the night halfway through the night step if you didn't
do the previous eight steps to the best of your ability.
So it's really the last nine and a half steps.
We'll be amazed before we're halfway through. And he says,
we're going to know a new freedom.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
I think that's the first one. I'm going to know
a new freedom.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
I want a new freedom. Who signed up for a
new freedom? We want a new freedom.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
I don't want the old freedom.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I want a new freedom. The scream just went like,
I don't know if that means anything.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Just let you know. It's good, all right, it's totally blank.
It all right. I'm powerless of the situation. My life
is fine. I want a new freedom.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
I've been looking for a new freedom my entire life.
When I was five years old, I got kicked out
of the when I was four. I got kicked out
of Missus mcgillcuddy's class when I was four. I've been restless, irritable,
and discontent ever since four years old.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
I've been in a million.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Scuffles, a million altercations because of my restless, irritable, and discontent,
and I really would like to have a new freedom.
You're telling me that I'll be amazed before I'm halfway through,
and there's going to be a new freedom and a
new happiness. I'm writing this stuff down. I'm signing up
for this. Druggs and alcohol over promised and underdelivered. Over
promised and underdelivered told me that I was going.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
To have a freedom and put me in bondage.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
Now you tell me that if I write this ninth
step and I go back, and I'm entirely willing.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
To make amensit these people all that I'm having new freedom, I'm.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
In It's blank, but you'll see its blank. It's not
me making it up.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Your about.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut
the door on our past. That's a big promise. We
will not regret the past nor wish to shut the
door on it.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
That only can come from God.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I mean, I have some stuff in my past that
I wish to not think about.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
But this is what God says.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Your past tests are now your new testimonies. As long
as you're good there. I don't think you're good. This
whole thing is shut down.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
We're not good.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
It ran out of man maybe like saying it's good.
But this is all down, it's coming back. I'm gonna
get serious for a second. My wife is said, I'm
gonna get serious for a second.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
It's not a joke. I'm gonna get serious.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
My wife didn't know what my past was. In my
previous sobriety driving out of a meeting of alcoholics anonymous,
I did the most heenious crime if you're in a
committed relationship. I tried to pick up a female coming
out of the meeting of the Fort Lauderdelle men's group.
I tried to pick up a female on the street.
(24:28):
Can imagine how hard this is for my wife to hear,
even thirty years later.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
She didn't know I did that. I was arrested for that.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
When we went to go adopt our baby, we were
told a man like we can never adopt.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
A baby in the state of Florida.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
My wife said to the man Joe on the phone,
what do you mean a man like my husband can
never adopt in the state of floor What does that mean?
So your husband has charges for solicitation. My wife had
never heard that before we got married, but while we
were dating being restless, irritable, and discontent and having this
(25:05):
god size hole in me. I tried to fill it
with outside things, and I had never told her. So
here we are married ten years and twelve years earlier,
I was arrested for picking up this woman that was
a police officer.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Yeah, that I can laugh, because that's not good. That's
a bad thing.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
And then to compound that, I met people in the
jail that knew me from the twelve Step house that
were drunk, and I had to tell them I was
there with hospitals and institutions taking.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Meetings into the jails.
Speaker 5 (25:53):
So now I'm in the jail for prostitution purchasing, not selling,
of course, playing like I'm working there for hospitals and
institutions for alcoholics.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
And not even Peter laughed.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
I just want to let you know he's trying not
to laugh the entire time, but that he laughed.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Can you imagine the amends that needs to be made
to your wife when she finds out that the reason
that you cannot adopt in the state of Florida is
because something you never told her about when you were dating.
Can you imagine the type of amends that need to
be made. We will not regret the past, and I
wish to shut the door on it. Come on, that's
(26:43):
only a promise that can company gone. Not only did
I wish to shut the door on that past, I
don't even it hurts talking about it thirty years this
is thirty years now. It still hurts her and hurts
me that I hurt her.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Now.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
I know that there's people that don't understand this where
this comes from the Bible.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
And I'll use a separate word since I know.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
People in here don't believe in exactly what I'm about
to say, so I'm gonna use a separate word. My
amends to my wife goes on daily for what I
did thirty years ago, and not in a groveling way.
But when I say I've made a covenant with my eyes,
it needs to be because not only what I did
(27:31):
thirty years ago, but what I'm capable of doing today.
And if I want to live a changed life, if
I want to not regret the past, no wish to
shut the door on it, I cannot be creating new
wreckage in my present. Otherwise that door never gets shut.
There was a girl in here tonight that just walked
(27:53):
in just now. She was in the gym today. She
saw me in the gym. She didn't act like she
saw me, and I didn't act like I saw her
because she was into her workout and I was with
my son, my fourteen year old son, and.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I was giving her space. She was giving me space.
But I can't guarantee you.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
If Christine talks to you right now, she'll tell you
that I keep my eyes focused on either the floor
or my son or the ceiling when I'm in the gym,
and not because and not because that's natural for me.
(28:28):
It's not natural. I want to look around.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Because it's unnatural for me.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
If I want a new freedom and a new happiness,
I have to behave myself in a new freedom, in
a new happiness type of way. I can't still do
the things that I used to do and get different results.
I have to do different things and I'll get different results.
The ninth step promis is not just about writing. This
about an entire change of life. This is about the
old is now new. The past is now gone, but
(28:56):
it can come back at any time.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Thank you. This is so much better. Hi. Sorry about that, guys, Maria,
Sorry about that. Maria Vecchio and Denise and everybody.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Sorry, So do you think I went down the scale
pretty far by what I had, what.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
My wife found out.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
And still God redeemed that those of you know that
we have a beautiful fourteen year old at home. Tomorrow
we're taking him to Universal Studios, to the New Park.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
Yeah, God still redeemed.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
The way that I used to act, because the new man.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Is not the man that he called and said, your husband,
who can never adopt in the state of Florida. A
man like your husband can I adopt because the man
like I was shouldn't be able to adopt. But the
new man of alcoholics, anonymous of God, has been given
the opportunity to adount fourteen years ago. Amen, we will
comprehend the words serenity. You will know peace, no God,
(30:03):
know no God, know peace.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
If you know God, you know peace. If you have
no God, then you have no peace and no Yes.
But the way I said it just inferred that was okay.
(30:27):
So today you have to ask yourself, if.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
You're walking around with no peace, it's possible that you
don't kN o no to God. You don't know God
because God is the author and the finisher of peace.
And if you're physically sober but mentally unstable.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
It's probably just because you're double minded.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
And if you're in double minded, it's going to create
this this incongruence between your mind and your spirit, and
that's going to create a instability in.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
Your spiritual in your spiritual life.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
This is just some big words which I'm even a
press myself that I even came up with him just
now to see when your inside conversation lines up with
your outside conversation, that produces.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Peace, right, which is what you're searching for. Right peace, The.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Peace that doesn't make any sense, The peace that only
comes from God. It never gonna come from drugs and alcohols,
and never gonna come from outside stuff. This God's size
hole can only be filled with the Creator. I smile
at that because I believe it.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
I believe that. And anytime I'm.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Walking around Wrestle's heretom with discondemned, my partners here tell
you anytime that I'm walking around wrestles irritable discontents because
I'm filled.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Up with me and not of God. That's all simple
as that.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
More of God, the more of He, less of me, peace,
more of me less of heat instability, no matter how
far down the scale we have gone, and some of
us have went down that scale. Right, Kubby was in
a trunk that's pretty low, drunk of a car. I
(32:03):
was in jail, pretending I was there. With hospitals and institutions,
we can see how our experience. Look what I did
and what I did to my wife, and what I
did to my family.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Look the wats this. Look how my experience is benefiting you.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
No matter how far down the scale you've gone, we
can see how our experience can benefit others.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
My telling my story, although is a in a humorous
type of way, is not humorous to my family, but
it helps other people.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Can you imagine we all came in here and we
said we didn't do anything wrong. How could it help
the newcomer? Now, this is a direct blessing from the
bedevelopments on page fifty two. Where we felt useless.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Remember what says I'm internou to we felt useful.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. If
you have a sponseee, you're automatically not feeling useless. That's
why it's very important to have sponsy, right, that's why
we need to have sponses.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
They need you, You need them, iron shoppers.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
Iron If you're here and you're sober longer then a
couple of weeks, then you don't have a You know,
if you've worked the steps, most of them like you.
If you've gotten to the tense step and you still
don't have a sponsee, you're a little you. Maybe you
look behind. And I don't say that to challenge you.
I say that. I say that Bill w Doctor Bob
had three weeks. Matter of fact, one of them only
(33:47):
had a couple of weeks. There's always an opportunity to help,
and then those feelings of uselessness of self people that
goes away the moment you start reading a book.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
I have this beautiful sponsor in the front row. He doesn't.
Speaker 2 (34:00):
He's not familiar with the language of nineteen thirty five
to nineteen thirty nine, and.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
I love when we get in there and it he's like,
what does this mean? So awesome. He's smarter than me,
but I am older.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
The moment he says what does this mean, I'm like, well,
let me share with you, grasshopper, what this means.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
And the moment I do that, my feeling of useless.
Is this uppeating? He slips away.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
Our whole attitude in life, and our outlook will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
That has happened. It happens. It happens. I'm not saying
it happens all the time, but it happens all of
a sudden.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
You're like, there's not enough money here, and there's a
there's a feeling that comes over and says not all
the time. Most of the time, God tells you it's
gonna be okay. That feeling of it's gonna be okay.
God's gonna provide. He always has. Hasn't God always provided?
(35:17):
Hasn't he always provided? He always provides. Maybe it's not
exactly the way right.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Moving to Tampa, going to Tampa tomorrow. We're going to Tampa.
Last minute. God's a god of twelve oh five. You
know how the clock.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Goes, Well, not that clock, but regular clocks. There's a
twelve and all the numbers right the clocks. God goes
he doesn't have a clock. His clock is twelve oh five.
Right when I think it's it's it, This is it,
This is it.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Gud's like it was never it, this is what you need.
Here you go.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
The amount comes in right at that exact moment that
the bill that you didn't ah.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
That exact moment, something comes in and you're like, ah.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
But God, say but God, that's a butt God story
right there. But God, it's only but God. And then
the last thing I want to leave you is that
we will intuitively know, I said to Russell. And Russell knows.
I said, Russell, when is this?
Speaker 2 (36:28):
When do you get more money?
Speaker 1 (36:32):
It always seems like I'm on the man of program.
Speaker 2 (36:35):
The man of program is God just gives you enough
for the day, and you don't have extra.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
You try to hold it in it and just goes Wait.
Russell said, you will never have money, however, it won't
bother you.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
And I was like, okay, I don't know how it
made me feel, but but I got what he was saying.
God always provides, doesn't he monock on me? It always provides.
He always provides. We will suddenly realize that God is
doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Now, these are the promises.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
What is it going to take to have these promises
come true? You're going to need to be willing to
make amends to all the people you've harmed and be
willing to make that right. You don't show up at
the amends that for somebody that you financially owe a
ton of money to do and show up with it
and I'm sorry. You show up with an envelope and
(37:30):
a plan. Show up at Uncle Joe's house. You own
seven thousand dollars and you come up with and I'm sorry,
and I'm gonna do better.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
That's not gonna go right.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
You come up with a plan, my dad, and may
God rest his soul went to the Lord. With the
twenty eight years of sobriety he was in Gambler's Anonymous.
He paid back the casinos one hundred dollars every casino,
one hundred dollars a month for thirty years, all the casino.
Every month he wrote a check to pay them back.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
Was that? Was that all the money that he owed them?
Speaker 2 (38:03):
Note? Did they let him off? Eventually they got tired
and they just let him off. Your willingness to make
things right is all that counts.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
There is There.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Is nothing in the world that makes you feel better
than having the opportunity to make things right. I live
in the opportunity to make things right with my wife.
I live in the opportunity to make things right with
my parents. I live in the opportunity to make things
right with the people that i'm that i'm in relations
to me.
Speaker 1 (38:38):
I live for the opportunity to make things right.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
The Bible says that God says, if you keep asking
him for gifts but you have something against your brother,
leave those gifts at the altar, go settle with your brother.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
Then come back and he'll bless you.
Speaker 2 (38:51):
If you're responsible with the small things, God will bless
you with the big things.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
If you're not responsible with the small things, he won't
bless you with the big things. He is a spiritual principle.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
I think when it comes to the ninth step, there's
nothing more spiritual than making an appointment, don't you do?
Speaker 1 (39:06):
You don't just show up. You make an appointment with
a person.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
You have a plan, You're check it out with a sponsor.
Here's the plan. Excuse me, this is my intention. Then
your sponsor comes in with the plan. Because on my
first ninth step it was all girls. I wanted to
go back with my big book and my Bible, and
I wanted to be in shape, and I wanted to.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
Show them what they missed out on my high Susie cute.
I'm sorry, and you could have had this.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
My sponsor, Jerry Bear at the time, he's looked at
this and he says.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
You know, you're not gonna go to this one. You're
not gonna go to this one. You're not gonna go
to this one. You're not gonna go to this one.
Not gonna go to this one.
Speaker 2 (39:54):
You're gonna be making amends to a lot of women,
but none of them that know you. There's gonna be
women's organizations all over the world that you're gonna be
making amends to, but none of the people that know you.
Speaker 1 (40:02):
Your main amends to these women is never to speak
to them again.
Speaker 2 (40:09):
However, there's gonna be entire shelters that you fund for
the rest of your life.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
And he was right.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
My intention was not to go back and make right
things right. My intention was to get another date.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
That's why you need a sponsor. You need a sponsor
when it comes to the Knights. The last thing I
want to leave. You need to have someone that comes
before you.
Speaker 2 (40:35):
You need to have someone that you walk with, and
you need to have a sponsor.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
That's after you. That's a spiritual principle.
Speaker 2 (40:43):
A person that's walked before you, a person that's walking
with you, and a person that's walking after you, not
be behind you, but after you. And then you now
take the next person, and you put that person's hand
in your hand, and you do the next thing. And
that's how this thing goes on. This nobody has all
the answers. As a matter of fact, some of the
people that have all the answers, they don't have the answers.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
God will constantly disclose to you and to us his
answers for you.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
I can't tell you how many times I went to
my sponsors said should I date this person, should I
take this job?
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Should I do this? And the sponsor was wrong because
it's just a person.
Speaker 2 (41:23):
But every time that I go to God, every time
I go to the Creator, every time I ask for
its praise, every time I ask.
Speaker 1 (41:28):
You, is this is the place I should be? God
has never let me die.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
And I'm not saying I hear from God audibly like
Moses on the mountain, but I definitely hear in our
innermal cells and the Holy Spirit what should be done?
Speaker 1 (41:41):
And was shot He listen. If you're on the I
said this last week.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
If you're on the line at treatment and you see
the person of your dreams, your soulmate, and they happen
to be on the same medline, that's probably not you.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
Solat you look at them and they have the same
you know, tope bag.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
As you, and same T shirt as you, and they're
on the same van with the same name, it's probably
not going to be your soulmate.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
That's when you should pause and ask God for INDs. Preach.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
There's nothing that's going to set your life right than
being right with God and then going back and making
right your wrongs with your fellows.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
I'll see you guys next week
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