May 22, 2025 • 30 mins
This comedic duo brings laughter through their rapid-fire banter and classic routines. Their chemistry and timing have cemented their place in entertainment history.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey haven't. What time is it?
Speaker 2 (00:01):
It's time for the Everitton Costello Show.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. What
to wait for? Let's go with the Abdon Costello Show.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Yes, it's the Abitt and Costello Show, produced and transcribed
in Hollywood for you're listening and laughing pleasure with chuckles
with the car log and music by Matty Malveay.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
So hold on your chairs.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Falls here we are what a wo Costello?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
All right, all right, all right, all right, what's all
the excitement about? What?
Speaker 3 (00:51):
What?
Speaker 1 (00:52):
What happened?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Lou?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Well, welcome Mike discovered golos manch Well, good for uncle Mike. Yeah,
he's sent to your for some englishman with shovels.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
He's sent for englishmen with shovels. What for?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
He figures England would want to bother the gold sooner
or later, and they might just as well come over
here and help dig it up. Oh that's face at Costeller.
Your uncle Mike is a moron. Oh no, he's not.
He's gonna be a great side to someday. Right now,
he's working on a new insecticide. He is. Yes, last
(01:26):
week he got out his notebooks and locked himself in
his laboratory with ten thousand mosquitos. He released the mosquitoes
and was going to write down the mosquitoes behavior.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
And what did he write?
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Nothing? He was so busy scratching even have time to write.
Just as I thought, he's as big and then can
poop as you. No, he's not right now, he's crossing
a rubber plant with a banana. What does he expect
to get a girdle you can slide into you? Our
(01:56):
your whole family are jerks. Not, By the way, how
was that silly looking thing on the radia of your
car this afternoon? Where you see? I can't afford a
radiator cap, so I trained my little dog to sit
on the radio.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Your your dog sits on the radiator? Does he bark much?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Only when it boils over? Where I'm gonna leave you now?
Haven't I got a job as a babysitter?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
You a babysitter? Babysitters are girls?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Well, what's wrong with the man? My uncle Jim Kelly
was a sitter. He isn't around anymore, though he isn't
What happened while he was sitting in the warden? Pull
the switch, I'll.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Get him out.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
I haven't gonna be much more.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Of a terrific adn't cost yellow humor in a few seconds.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
I love you, I think it is you take it easy?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
What he's so excited about? Com down? What's the matter?
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I'm worried of it?
Speaker 2 (04:09):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
My Aunt May is in terrible shape?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Well, what's the matter with her?
Speaker 1 (04:13):
She's got hallucinations. She thinks she's a taxicab.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
She thinks he's a taxicab.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah. Why doesn't Uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he?
She gets him to work fast and the sunset bus.
How long has Uncle Micha and Aunt May have been married? Lou, Well,
it's just twenty years since he went on her honeymoon.
Aunt May went to Niagara Falls and Uncle Mike went
to Miami.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Wait a minute, you mean they weren't together on their honeymoon.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
No, Uncle Mike said to the honeymoon is the happiest
time of your life. And whilett marriage spoiler, Well, it's
wonderful thing that you're your aunt Man and your Uncle
Mike have been married for twenty years? Yeah, yeah, but
really have it? What's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought
she loved him, but for the whole twenty years. She
hated him, hated them like poison. And they have seventeen children.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Wait a minute, she hated them. Why did they have
seventeen children.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Well, it was her idea. She was just trying to
lose them in the crowd.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
That mean to him load.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
She beats him up all the time. He wouldn't mind
it if it wasn't for the children. The children, Yeah,
they beat him too.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
He must be really hid bag.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Yes, she tried to keep in the house every night Saturday.
When he started to take us bath, she puts six
boxes of yellow in the tub, so he gets stuck.
Luckily it was raspberry and he ateed his way out. Oh,
I don't have a very happy home life. Good they
love no No Saturday nine, Uncle Mike played peanuckle all
(05:49):
afternoon and when he came home at six o'clock there
was no dinner on the table. Where was your aunt
made down at the bowling alley? She's down there seven
days a week. Well that's a shade, yees, Uncle Mike
should have never got her that job setting pins. Well,
fuck it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Your uncle Mike married once before?
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, but his first wife passed away Now that's too bad.
Uncle Mike has such a tough time collicking the insurance
that sometimes he almost wishes she hasn't died. What is
your uncle Mike do? Before he got married lud Well,
he was quite a Romeo abbot for two years. He
carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
He carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
She was a coal miner, and it gets pretty dark
for those tunnels.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Didn't he ever work for a living?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Sure? He had a job in a can soup factory.
He was in the chicken soup division. He was a dragger.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
No, wait a minute.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
One of the duties of a dragger and a can
soup factory very simple. When a one thousand gallon tank
of hot water was ready, he'd drag a chicken through it.
That's no one of your Auntmeate fights with Uncle Mike. Yeah,
you should have seen him May Sunday night.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Abbage.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
She was so mad at Mike that she said she
was gonna pack us who cases of leaving forever. Now
he's really worried, he is. Yep, she ain't even started
the pack us who cases yet. I want a couple
of Mike isn't a bad looking guy.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But I can't see what he ever saw in your
aunt made She.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Was very popular in Patterson when she was a young girl.
She was Yes, the Patison Electric and Power Company voted
her miss Alternating Current of nineteen fifteen. Costello, that's about
the ear you were born back in Patterson, isn't it. Yes,
I'm Patterson's favorite son.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Just last week the people that Patterson directed a statue
in the very spot where I.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Was born, the spot where you were born. Where was that?
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Right in the middle of the greyhound bus? Stepot, you
were born right in the middle.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Of the greyhound Bustevo.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
It was raining and my mother couldn't get a taxi.
I tell you, you talk like a boot. Tell me does
your whole family suffered from stupidity? Indeed not, They enjoy
every minute of it.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Hey, the Costello, I want to talk to you, mister dow.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
I are you any money? No? Did I ever give
you a chip on any of any of my horses? No?
Have you got a redhead assistant in Chicago? No? Okay,
go ahead and talk to me. You don't give away
prize on this program?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Can I win a refrigerator or something. Nope, Well goodbye,
I've gotta go. Hurry over to the gang Buses radio show.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Last week, I got one hundred and sixty four hours
on that program. Wait a minute, gang Busters don't give
away anything.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
I'm a pickpocket too. Now I know where I saw
that guy have it. It was the thirtieth anniversary party yours.
Remember you had a swimming pool filled up with bourbon.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Yeah, the whole swimming pool was filled with bourbon. What fun?
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yes, I never saw so many people going down for
the third time with smiles on their faces.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Well, I'll never mind that.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
The whole town was talking about my anniversary party. My
wife didn't my wife, but he looked beautiful. I'm very
proud of my wife.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Every man in town was fighting over but I.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Got her have it. You didn't fight hard enough. My
wife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't got a wrinkle
in her face. She hasn't had Then what are those things? Dense?
Go sell her?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
You don't nothing about women.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I don't even know why I even discussed the subject
of women with you. Well, it's not my fall on it.
I led a very sheltered life, and I met a
lovely little redhead, and I learned about women from her.
You did I love her? Figure? Our first date, we
sat on the river bank in the moonlight. She moved
closer to me than I moved closer to her than
the moon went behind a cloud. Then it happened. Why
(09:49):
she let me tighten the string on her ukulele?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Didn't she kisse you?
Speaker 5 (09:57):
Lou?
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Yes? Did you like it? Oh boy?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
How did it make you feel?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
How did it make me feel? Did you ever stand
in a hot buttered waffle and have somebody pour a
maple syrup down your spine?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
How did you get along with it? Loup?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Oh? Good? The second time we had a date, I
took a sight seeing on.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
A bus Rubbernick, No, but I tickled her a little.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Hello boy, Hey, look, Gus Dell was our secretary. Viola van, Well,
Theola Van, that's my line, Loup, take it well, the Olivan.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I understand you bought a new car. How do you
like driving in California?
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Well, it would be that's your.
Speaker 6 (10:49):
It would be all right if it weren't for the pedestrians.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
What's wrong with the California pedestrians?
Speaker 6 (10:54):
Well, I was driving down here tonight and one of
them whizz.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Right past my windshields.
Speaker 7 (10:59):
Dirty.
Speaker 6 (11:00):
The coward was pole vaulting across the streets.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Sneaky devil, Viola. Why don't you take me for a
ride down the beach tonight, I should say, not, Ah, Costello,
Viola's only kidding. She she really likes you.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
But you've got to do something to show that you
like her.
Speaker 6 (11:19):
That's right, Costello, do something brave, do something brave.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
I know what I'll do. I'll join the army and
help fight the British. We're not fighting the British. That's
all the better. That way nobody can get hurt.
Speaker 6 (11:32):
Costello, You know you've.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Been acting kind of queer lately. Wait a minute, come
to think about You're right, Viola.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting up in a tree
in Griffith Park.
Speaker 6 (11:42):
Costello, what were you doing up in that tree?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Sign autographs? Signing autographs?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yes, the robins thought I was Woody woodpecker.
Speaker 6 (12:03):
Cozzello. Here's another thing. Why do you always carry an
umbrella on your arm?
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Why don't you get a girl on your arm?
Speaker 6 (12:10):
You know, a girl is much nice as than an umbrella.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Oh I don't know, kiddle. When you're through with a girl,
can you pull her up and hang her in the closet?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Why you simple minded? No good?
Speaker 6 (12:28):
Load down just a minute, mister abbot. Have you ever
stopped to consider that Costello's reasoning capacity and his functional
capabilities for logical delineation or coordinated comprehensively negligible?
Speaker 7 (12:41):
Is it?
Speaker 6 (12:41):
Is it compulsory to you to abuse this poor moronic
social incompetence simply because the poor slav doesn't possess the
mental capacity of an imbecile.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
But you've had this coming to you for a long time.
Let her finish. Continue tell him what a slop I am?
Speaker 5 (13:04):
Oh, ty BeO.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I can't help with them.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Castelli is stupid?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Who's stupid? I'm wanna say this. I'm having I'm always studying,
always reading. I just finished a book called When Frankenstein
Meets the Wolf Man in Dracula's Garden where a spider
woman killed the cat girl. What's the story about two
bums living in the lobrea tuppets?
Speaker 6 (13:27):
Well, I've gotta go now, boys, I'm taking my painting lessons.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Do you paint?
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (13:33):
Yes, I draw birds with charcoals.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I paint flowers in watercolor?
Speaker 1 (13:38):
What are you doing? Oil fried potatoes?
Speaker 6 (13:40):
Come on, you know it.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
There's a girl going places. She is, yes, sir, If
she hurries, she can be the first one in line
to collect her unemployment and sing I get him.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Oh, why we got to say she'sa gonna mature?
Speaker 3 (14:00):
He didn't like here to consider this?
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. That's singing Star of
the Abbat and Costello show how winters.
Speaker 4 (15:14):
I'd like to sing a song that belongs to the
month of January as much as White Christmas belongs to December.
With Maddy Malick's orchestra. Here is the Ralph Ranger Leo
Robin Perennial June and January.
Speaker 7 (15:37):
It's June in January because I'm in law.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
It always is spring in my home with you in
my own.
Speaker 7 (15:58):
Is just my blossoms that fall from a bar. And
here is the reason.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
My dear, your magical choice. The night is cold, the
trees obby, but I can feel the scent of roses
(16:31):
in the air. It's you in Gianuary.
Speaker 7 (16:40):
Because I'm in love, but only because I'm in.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Love with you.
Speaker 5 (16:54):
The night is cold, the tree he is are man,
but I can see the sand.
Speaker 7 (17:07):
Of rolls in the air.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
It's due in jazz.
Speaker 7 (17:16):
You worry because I'm in law, Lord, only because I'm
in law.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Hey, an, I just made an appoint I just made
a point discovery. I think I can safely announced the
governor dew We will run for president nineteen fifty two.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Oh, what makes you think that you.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Just started taking piano listens? You're not Costell. Ever since
you started playing the part of Sam shovel Private Detective,
you've got your nose in everybody's business.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
You've been as busy as an ant.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Answer. Are busy?
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Certainly?
Speaker 1 (18:15):
And why are they always going to picnics?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Will you talk since? But what is that letter you
have in your hand?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Well I have it's another fan letter. Listen to this,
dear little Costello or Sam Shovely Detective. You are the
greatest thing on radio. I love your show, but my
wife won't listen to it. She says she needs you
like she needs a hole in the head. I'm sending
her to see you tonight, mister Costello. It's the lady
to see you. What does she look like? She's not
a short, fat woman with a hold. Oh never mind,
(18:53):
what is your Sam Shovel detective story for the night, Lou.
I think I'll do one of my old Western cases.
I call it the case of the General who open
up a drum venom was caught some horse meat or
Custer's last hamburger. Stand, well, you're talking, let's do it.
(19:16):
I'm Sam Shovel private detective. I remember my first keys,
three eyed Maxi the murderer. He had three eyes. He
was the only man in the world with twenty twenty
twenty vision. And there was my second case, Terrible Tony,
the toughest gangster in Los Angeles. He was a bronze
(19:37):
giant with musclele steel and an iron fist. I had
to shoot him.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
May he rust in peace.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Fifteen years and the detective business takes a lot out
of you. But I feel as strong and vigorous as
a day I started right now. I could tear Superman
in half, but I don't want to ruin the rest
of the paper. I feel kind of thirsty. I go
(20:15):
to the sink. This Los Angeles water is getting harder
every day. I high plants out of my window. There's
the headquarters of the Republican Club. On the window, there's
assigned GOP. I just found out what GOP means, gone
(20:37):
out permanently. I look down at my desk. There's my
new wristwatch. My new ristwatch. It's a shock proof, non
magnetic waterproof watch. The directions say, don't take this watch
(21:00):
out of the box. Fresh air ruins it. I think
I'll give it to my secretary. What a secretary. She
got the job the hard way, the hard way. She
knew how to type. Lying next to my watch is
(21:23):
my shotgun. I decide to see if it's loaded. I
pointed at the floor and pulled the trigger. I looked
down at the floor. When did I buy open toad shoes?
(21:45):
I reached in my coat pocket. Here's a wallet I
found last night. I hope I can find the owner
a check. I checked to see what's in the wallet.
Here's a card. If it found, return to mister Nichols
del My Hotel. Here's a driver's licenses, Miss Nichols Delmar Hotel.
Here's a birth certificate with the name Nichols. Here's the
(22:05):
pink slip for a new Hudson Sedan. Issue to mister
Nichols Delmar Hotel. Well, here's six hundred dollars in cash.
Looks like I'll have to keep the money. Serves that
guy right, he should carry some identification. The name on
(22:31):
the money is Washington. Now let me see. Oh yes,
it's about time for my parlute and an Abbit of
the homicide squad to show up. Abbot had a pretty
tough week chasing crooks. Monday night, he was held up
(22:51):
on Main Street. Tuesday night, he was held up on Broadway.
Wednesday nighty was held up on Sunset Boulevard. If Abbott
was stayed out at those slow uns, he wouldn't need
anybody to hold him up. Lieutenant Abbitt don't have to work.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
(23:13):
This was okay until he found out that all the
other kids had tongues. It's not easy to be born
with a silver spoon in your mouth. Up to the
time Habbit was nineteen, all he could say was Roger's
Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before he became a detective, Abbit
(23:37):
was a motorcycle cop. He was the only cup in
a forest that had traffic eyes, real traffic eyes. It'd
always looked both ways before crossing each other. No matter
what case, Lieutenant Abbitt goes out on he's never stuck. Hello,
(23:58):
Sam Shovel, private detective speaking.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Hello Sam, This Lieutenant Abbot.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Sam.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
What time do the volts open in the National Bank?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
At nine o'clock tomorrow morning?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Not till nine o'clock tomorrow morning.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
That's right, Lieutenant Abbitt. You can't get in those vaults
till nine o'clock tomorrow morning. Wants to get in? I'm
trying to get out. Suddenly my door opened, Sam, Sam,
same shovel was my pile, Lieutenant Abbott. He was scared
of death, he was perspiring, he was sweating bullets, Lieutenant Abbitt,
(24:49):
how'd you get out of that bank boll Sam, I'll
tell it to you, houl in a nutshell? Can't you
tell it to me here? I don't think we'd both
fit in a nutshell? Sam, I've been working on a
series of bank burglars. Monday night the Kelly gang held
up the First National Bank. Tuesday they held up the
second National Bank. Wednesday they held up the third National Bank.
So the night I was waiting for them at the
(25:11):
fourth National Bank, and you caught them.
Speaker 5 (25:14):
Nah.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Tonight they held up the First National Bank again.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
But enough about myself, enough about my trouble.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Sam, Same, you don't look good. What's the matter?
Speaker 1 (25:27):
I didn't get any sleep last night, Lieutenant. A burglar
climbed into my bedroom window and made me get out
of bed. I stood there shivering in my lung underwear.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Why didn't you holler for help?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
He had a gun, and I was afraid to open
my trap. After the burglar left, I still couldn't get
any sleep. I was worried about my brother pat. He
kept poking his head into my room. Lots of guys
poked their heads into their brother's rooms on the end
(25:58):
of a stick.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Sam, did you hear those shots?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
He came from the office next door.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Who rents that office next door?
Speaker 1 (26:09):
An organization called the American Society of Patriotic Americans for
the Preservation of Freedom in the United States of All
and for All Patriotic Americans.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
What do they do?
Speaker 1 (26:18):
They're farm spies, Sam, Sam, Look, here's the guy that
did the shooting.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
He's coming in here.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
He's got a gun.
Speaker 5 (26:30):
Hah.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
So this is the place I've been looking for a
where's Sam Shovel, the private detective? What do you want
with him? I'm gonna kill him. I hate radio detectives.
I hate them all the thin man, the fat man,
o y queen.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
But most of all, I hate Sam Shovel.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
I'm gonna gouge his eyes that off, fill them with lead.
Who are you? Oh, I am just an ordinary policeman,
honest mister, I'm not a radio detective. And you, who
are you? Fat soul? Well, I'm you know, I'm the
(27:08):
don't stand a rabbit? Hand me my cookbook?
Speaker 5 (27:12):
Cookbook?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Who are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret mcbrie.
Oh so you're the one that got those recipes. Huh h.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
I love.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
There's anything I hate worse than radio detectives did those
recipes programs? I'll kill them all.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
We'll wind up the nights high Jenson, justemon and parks
after a little advice.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
From this fellow Castello.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Are you sure the folks at homelike the Sam Shovel
series were doing? Oh? Certainly. Haven't listen to this letter here,
Lou Costello. Other radio detectives get you to listen, listen,
expecting something big on the shows, then in the end
they have nothing. You never disappoint the listener. You have nothing.
Right from the stock, Well, that's quite a compliment to
(29:19):
our writers. Sure, and I'm glad they heard that, fair letter, folks,
because our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman, with
Paul Conna Pacossela, Martin raguwayal in the stern, and our
producer is Charles Vander See you all next Thursday. Good night, folks,
an everybody, good night, everybody.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Lesson each Thursday night at this time Brannother Great Abbot
and Costello Show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure
to stay tuned from the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
The evening on this save AC station
Speaker 1 (30:02):
And
Hey haven't. What time is it?
Speaker 2 (00:01):
It's time for the Everitton Costello Show.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. What
to wait for? Let's go with the Abdon Costello Show.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Yes, it's the Abitt and Costello Show, produced and transcribed
in Hollywood for you're listening and laughing pleasure with chuckles
with the car log and music by Matty Malveay.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
So hold on your chairs.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
Falls here we are what a wo Costello?
Speaker 1 (00:46):
All right, all right, all right, all right, what's all
the excitement about? What?
Speaker 3 (00:51):
What?
Speaker 1 (00:52):
What happened?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Lou?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Well, welcome Mike discovered golos manch Well, good for uncle Mike. Yeah,
he's sent to your for some englishman with shovels.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
He's sent for englishmen with shovels. What for?
Speaker 1 (01:02):
He figures England would want to bother the gold sooner
or later, and they might just as well come over
here and help dig it up. Oh that's face at Costeller.
Your uncle Mike is a moron. Oh no, he's not.
He's gonna be a great side to someday. Right now,
he's working on a new insecticide. He is. Yes, last
(01:26):
week he got out his notebooks and locked himself in
his laboratory with ten thousand mosquitos. He released the mosquitoes
and was going to write down the mosquitoes behavior.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
And what did he write?
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Nothing? He was so busy scratching even have time to write.
Just as I thought, he's as big and then can
poop as you. No, he's not right now, he's crossing
a rubber plant with a banana. What does he expect
to get a girdle you can slide into you? Our
(01:56):
your whole family are jerks. Not, By the way, how
was that silly looking thing on the radia of your
car this afternoon? Where you see? I can't afford a
radiator cap, so I trained my little dog to sit
on the radio.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Your your dog sits on the radiator? Does he bark much?
Speaker 1 (02:13):
Only when it boils over? Where I'm gonna leave you now?
Haven't I got a job as a babysitter?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
You a babysitter? Babysitters are girls?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Well, what's wrong with the man? My uncle Jim Kelly
was a sitter. He isn't around anymore, though he isn't
What happened while he was sitting in the warden? Pull
the switch, I'll.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Get him out.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
I haven't gonna be much more.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Of a terrific adn't cost yellow humor in a few seconds.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
I love you, I think it is you take it easy?
Speaker 2 (04:06):
What he's so excited about? Com down? What's the matter?
Speaker 1 (04:08):
I'm worried of it?
Speaker 2 (04:09):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (04:10):
My Aunt May is in terrible shape?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Well, what's the matter with her?
Speaker 1 (04:13):
She's got hallucinations. She thinks she's a taxicab.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
She thinks he's a taxicab.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Yeah. Why doesn't Uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he?
She gets him to work fast and the sunset bus.
How long has Uncle Micha and Aunt May have been married? Lou, Well,
it's just twenty years since he went on her honeymoon.
Aunt May went to Niagara Falls and Uncle Mike went
to Miami.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Wait a minute, you mean they weren't together on their honeymoon.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
No, Uncle Mike said to the honeymoon is the happiest
time of your life. And whilett marriage spoiler, Well, it's
wonderful thing that you're your aunt Man and your Uncle
Mike have been married for twenty years? Yeah, yeah, but
really have it? What's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought
she loved him, but for the whole twenty years. She
hated him, hated them like poison. And they have seventeen children.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Wait a minute, she hated them. Why did they have
seventeen children.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
Well, it was her idea. She was just trying to
lose them in the crowd.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
That mean to him load.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
She beats him up all the time. He wouldn't mind
it if it wasn't for the children. The children, Yeah,
they beat him too.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
He must be really hid bag.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Yes, she tried to keep in the house every night Saturday.
When he started to take us bath, she puts six
boxes of yellow in the tub, so he gets stuck.
Luckily it was raspberry and he ateed his way out. Oh,
I don't have a very happy home life. Good they
love no No Saturday nine, Uncle Mike played peanuckle all
(05:49):
afternoon and when he came home at six o'clock there
was no dinner on the table. Where was your aunt
made down at the bowling alley? She's down there seven
days a week. Well that's a shade, yees, Uncle Mike
should have never got her that job setting pins. Well,
fuck it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
Your uncle Mike married once before?
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, but his first wife passed away Now that's too bad.
Uncle Mike has such a tough time collicking the insurance
that sometimes he almost wishes she hasn't died. What is
your uncle Mike do? Before he got married lud Well,
he was quite a Romeo abbot for two years. He
carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
He carried a torch for a girl in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
She was a coal miner, and it gets pretty dark
for those tunnels.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Didn't he ever work for a living?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Sure? He had a job in a can soup factory.
He was in the chicken soup division. He was a dragger.
Speaker 4 (06:33):
No, wait a minute.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
One of the duties of a dragger and a can
soup factory very simple. When a one thousand gallon tank
of hot water was ready, he'd drag a chicken through it.
That's no one of your Auntmeate fights with Uncle Mike. Yeah,
you should have seen him May Sunday night.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Abbage.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
She was so mad at Mike that she said she
was gonna pack us who cases of leaving forever. Now
he's really worried, he is. Yep, she ain't even started
the pack us who cases yet. I want a couple
of Mike isn't a bad looking guy.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
But I can't see what he ever saw in your
aunt made She.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Was very popular in Patterson when she was a young girl.
She was Yes, the Patison Electric and Power Company voted
her miss Alternating Current of nineteen fifteen. Costello, that's about
the ear you were born back in Patterson, isn't it. Yes,
I'm Patterson's favorite son.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Just last week the people that Patterson directed a statue
in the very spot where I.
Speaker 2 (07:26):
Was born, the spot where you were born. Where was that?
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Right in the middle of the greyhound bus? Stepot, you
were born right in the middle.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Of the greyhound Bustevo.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
It was raining and my mother couldn't get a taxi.
I tell you, you talk like a boot. Tell me does
your whole family suffered from stupidity? Indeed not, They enjoy
every minute of it.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Hey, the Costello, I want to talk to you, mister dow.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
I are you any money? No? Did I ever give
you a chip on any of any of my horses? No?
Have you got a redhead assistant in Chicago? No? Okay,
go ahead and talk to me. You don't give away
prize on this program?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Can I win a refrigerator or something. Nope, Well goodbye,
I've gotta go. Hurry over to the gang Buses radio show.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Last week, I got one hundred and sixty four hours
on that program. Wait a minute, gang Busters don't give
away anything.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
I'm a pickpocket too. Now I know where I saw
that guy have it. It was the thirtieth anniversary party yours.
Remember you had a swimming pool filled up with bourbon.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Yeah, the whole swimming pool was filled with bourbon. What fun?
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Yes, I never saw so many people going down for
the third time with smiles on their faces.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Well, I'll never mind that.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
The whole town was talking about my anniversary party. My
wife didn't my wife, but he looked beautiful. I'm very
proud of my wife.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Every man in town was fighting over but I.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Got her have it. You didn't fight hard enough. My
wife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't got a wrinkle
in her face. She hasn't had Then what are those things? Dense?
Go sell her?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
You don't nothing about women.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I don't even know why I even discussed the subject
of women with you. Well, it's not my fall on it.
I led a very sheltered life, and I met a
lovely little redhead, and I learned about women from her.
You did I love her? Figure? Our first date, we
sat on the river bank in the moonlight. She moved
closer to me than I moved closer to her than
the moon went behind a cloud. Then it happened. Why
(09:49):
she let me tighten the string on her ukulele?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
Didn't she kisse you?
Speaker 5 (09:57):
Lou?
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Yes? Did you like it? Oh boy?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
How did it make you feel?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
How did it make me feel? Did you ever stand
in a hot buttered waffle and have somebody pour a
maple syrup down your spine?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
How did you get along with it? Loup?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Oh? Good? The second time we had a date, I
took a sight seeing on.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
A bus Rubbernick, No, but I tickled her a little.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Hello boy, Hey, look, Gus Dell was our secretary. Viola van, Well,
Theola Van, that's my line, Loup, take it well, the Olivan.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I understand you bought a new car. How do you
like driving in California?
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Well, it would be that's your.
Speaker 6 (10:49):
It would be all right if it weren't for the pedestrians.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
What's wrong with the California pedestrians?
Speaker 6 (10:54):
Well, I was driving down here tonight and one of
them whizz.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Right past my windshields.
Speaker 7 (10:59):
Dirty.
Speaker 6 (11:00):
The coward was pole vaulting across the streets.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Sneaky devil, Viola. Why don't you take me for a
ride down the beach tonight, I should say, not, Ah, Costello,
Viola's only kidding. She she really likes you.
Speaker 2 (11:17):
But you've got to do something to show that you
like her.
Speaker 6 (11:19):
That's right, Costello, do something brave, do something brave.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
I know what I'll do. I'll join the army and
help fight the British. We're not fighting the British. That's
all the better. That way nobody can get hurt.
Speaker 6 (11:32):
Costello, You know you've.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Been acting kind of queer lately. Wait a minute, come
to think about You're right, Viola.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting up in a tree
in Griffith Park.
Speaker 6 (11:42):
Costello, what were you doing up in that tree?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Sign autographs? Signing autographs?
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yes, the robins thought I was Woody woodpecker.
Speaker 6 (12:03):
Cozzello. Here's another thing. Why do you always carry an
umbrella on your arm?
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Why don't you get a girl on your arm?
Speaker 6 (12:10):
You know, a girl is much nice as than an umbrella.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Oh I don't know, kiddle. When you're through with a girl,
can you pull her up and hang her in the closet?
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Why you simple minded? No good?
Speaker 6 (12:28):
Load down just a minute, mister abbot. Have you ever
stopped to consider that Costello's reasoning capacity and his functional
capabilities for logical delineation or coordinated comprehensively negligible?
Speaker 7 (12:41):
Is it?
Speaker 6 (12:41):
Is it compulsory to you to abuse this poor moronic
social incompetence simply because the poor slav doesn't possess the
mental capacity of an imbecile.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
But you've had this coming to you for a long time.
Let her finish. Continue tell him what a slop I am?
Speaker 5 (13:04):
Oh, ty BeO.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I can't help with them.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
Castelli is stupid?
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Who's stupid? I'm wanna say this. I'm having I'm always studying,
always reading. I just finished a book called When Frankenstein
Meets the Wolf Man in Dracula's Garden where a spider
woman killed the cat girl. What's the story about two
bums living in the lobrea tuppets?
Speaker 6 (13:27):
Well, I've gotta go now, boys, I'm taking my painting lessons.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Do you paint?
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (13:33):
Yes, I draw birds with charcoals.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
I paint flowers in watercolor?
Speaker 1 (13:38):
What are you doing? Oil fried potatoes?
Speaker 6 (13:40):
Come on, you know it.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
There's a girl going places. She is, yes, sir, If
she hurries, she can be the first one in line
to collect her unemployment and sing I get him.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Oh, why we got to say she'sa gonna mature?
Speaker 3 (14:00):
He didn't like here to consider this?
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. That's singing Star of
the Abbat and Costello show how winters.
Speaker 4 (15:14):
I'd like to sing a song that belongs to the
month of January as much as White Christmas belongs to December.
With Maddy Malick's orchestra. Here is the Ralph Ranger Leo
Robin Perennial June and January.
Speaker 7 (15:37):
It's June in January because I'm in law.
Speaker 5 (15:47):
It always is spring in my home with you in
my own.
Speaker 7 (15:58):
Is just my blossoms that fall from a bar. And
here is the reason.
Speaker 5 (16:09):
My dear, your magical choice. The night is cold, the
trees obby, but I can feel the scent of roses
(16:31):
in the air. It's you in Gianuary.
Speaker 7 (16:40):
Because I'm in love, but only because I'm in.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Love with you.
Speaker 5 (16:54):
The night is cold, the tree he is are man,
but I can see the sand.
Speaker 7 (17:07):
Of rolls in the air.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
It's due in jazz.
Speaker 7 (17:16):
You worry because I'm in law, Lord, only because I'm
in law.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Hey, an, I just made an appoint I just made
a point discovery. I think I can safely announced the
governor dew We will run for president nineteen fifty two.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Oh, what makes you think that you.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
Just started taking piano listens? You're not Costell. Ever since
you started playing the part of Sam shovel Private Detective,
you've got your nose in everybody's business.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
You've been as busy as an ant.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Answer. Are busy?
Speaker 2 (18:14):
Certainly?
Speaker 1 (18:15):
And why are they always going to picnics?
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Will you talk since? But what is that letter you
have in your hand?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Well I have it's another fan letter. Listen to this,
dear little Costello or Sam Shovely Detective. You are the
greatest thing on radio. I love your show, but my
wife won't listen to it. She says she needs you
like she needs a hole in the head. I'm sending
her to see you tonight, mister Costello. It's the lady
to see you. What does she look like? She's not
a short, fat woman with a hold. Oh never mind,
(18:53):
what is your Sam Shovel detective story for the night, Lou.
I think I'll do one of my old Western cases.
I call it the case of the General who open
up a drum venom was caught some horse meat or
Custer's last hamburger. Stand, well, you're talking, let's do it.
(19:16):
I'm Sam Shovel private detective. I remember my first keys,
three eyed Maxi the murderer. He had three eyes. He
was the only man in the world with twenty twenty
twenty vision. And there was my second case, Terrible Tony,
the toughest gangster in Los Angeles. He was a bronze
(19:37):
giant with musclele steel and an iron fist. I had
to shoot him.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
May he rust in peace.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Fifteen years and the detective business takes a lot out
of you. But I feel as strong and vigorous as
a day I started right now. I could tear Superman
in half, but I don't want to ruin the rest
of the paper. I feel kind of thirsty. I go
(20:15):
to the sink. This Los Angeles water is getting harder
every day. I high plants out of my window. There's
the headquarters of the Republican Club. On the window, there's
assigned GOP. I just found out what GOP means, gone
(20:37):
out permanently. I look down at my desk. There's my
new wristwatch. My new ristwatch. It's a shock proof, non
magnetic waterproof watch. The directions say, don't take this watch
(21:00):
out of the box. Fresh air ruins it. I think
I'll give it to my secretary. What a secretary. She
got the job the hard way, the hard way. She
knew how to type. Lying next to my watch is
(21:23):
my shotgun. I decide to see if it's loaded. I
pointed at the floor and pulled the trigger. I looked
down at the floor. When did I buy open toad shoes?
(21:45):
I reached in my coat pocket. Here's a wallet I
found last night. I hope I can find the owner
a check. I checked to see what's in the wallet.
Here's a card. If it found, return to mister Nichols
del My Hotel. Here's a driver's licenses, Miss Nichols Delmar Hotel.
Here's a birth certificate with the name Nichols. Here's the
(22:05):
pink slip for a new Hudson Sedan. Issue to mister
Nichols Delmar Hotel. Well, here's six hundred dollars in cash.
Looks like I'll have to keep the money. Serves that
guy right, he should carry some identification. The name on
(22:31):
the money is Washington. Now let me see. Oh yes,
it's about time for my parlute and an Abbit of
the homicide squad to show up. Abbot had a pretty
tough week chasing crooks. Monday night, he was held up
(22:51):
on Main Street. Tuesday night, he was held up on Broadway.
Wednesday nighty was held up on Sunset Boulevard. If Abbott
was stayed out at those slow uns, he wouldn't need
anybody to hold him up. Lieutenant Abbitt don't have to work.
He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
(23:13):
This was okay until he found out that all the
other kids had tongues. It's not easy to be born
with a silver spoon in your mouth. Up to the
time Habbit was nineteen, all he could say was Roger's
Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before he became a detective, Abbit
(23:37):
was a motorcycle cop. He was the only cup in
a forest that had traffic eyes, real traffic eyes. It'd
always looked both ways before crossing each other. No matter
what case, Lieutenant Abbitt goes out on he's never stuck. Hello,
(23:58):
Sam Shovel, private detective speaking.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Hello Sam, This Lieutenant Abbot.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Sam.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
What time do the volts open in the National Bank?
Speaker 1 (24:06):
At nine o'clock tomorrow morning?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
Not till nine o'clock tomorrow morning.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
That's right, Lieutenant Abbitt. You can't get in those vaults
till nine o'clock tomorrow morning. Wants to get in? I'm
trying to get out. Suddenly my door opened, Sam, Sam,
same shovel was my pile, Lieutenant Abbott. He was scared
of death, he was perspiring, he was sweating bullets, Lieutenant Abbitt,
(24:49):
how'd you get out of that bank boll Sam, I'll
tell it to you, houl in a nutshell? Can't you
tell it to me here? I don't think we'd both
fit in a nutshell? Sam, I've been working on a
series of bank burglars. Monday night the Kelly gang held
up the First National Bank. Tuesday they held up the
second National Bank. Wednesday they held up the third National Bank.
So the night I was waiting for them at the
(25:11):
fourth National Bank, and you caught them.
Speaker 5 (25:14):
Nah.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
Tonight they held up the First National Bank again.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
But enough about myself, enough about my trouble.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Sam, Same, you don't look good. What's the matter?
Speaker 1 (25:27):
I didn't get any sleep last night, Lieutenant. A burglar
climbed into my bedroom window and made me get out
of bed. I stood there shivering in my lung underwear.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Why didn't you holler for help?
Speaker 1 (25:36):
He had a gun, and I was afraid to open
my trap. After the burglar left, I still couldn't get
any sleep. I was worried about my brother pat. He
kept poking his head into my room. Lots of guys
poked their heads into their brother's rooms on the end
(25:58):
of a stick.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Sam, did you hear those shots?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
He came from the office next door.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Who rents that office next door?
Speaker 1 (26:09):
An organization called the American Society of Patriotic Americans for
the Preservation of Freedom in the United States of All
and for All Patriotic Americans.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
What do they do?
Speaker 1 (26:18):
They're farm spies, Sam, Sam, Look, here's the guy that
did the shooting.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
He's coming in here.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
He's got a gun.
Speaker 5 (26:30):
Hah.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
So this is the place I've been looking for a
where's Sam Shovel, the private detective? What do you want
with him? I'm gonna kill him. I hate radio detectives.
I hate them all the thin man, the fat man,
o y queen.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
But most of all, I hate Sam Shovel.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
I'm gonna gouge his eyes that off, fill them with lead.
Who are you? Oh, I am just an ordinary policeman,
honest mister, I'm not a radio detective. And you, who
are you? Fat soul? Well, I'm you know, I'm the
(27:08):
don't stand a rabbit? Hand me my cookbook?
Speaker 5 (27:12):
Cookbook?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Who are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret mcbrie.
Oh so you're the one that got those recipes. Huh h.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
I love.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
There's anything I hate worse than radio detectives did those
recipes programs? I'll kill them all.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (27:39):
We'll wind up the nights high Jenson, justemon and parks
after a little advice.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
From this fellow Castello.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Are you sure the folks at homelike the Sam Shovel
series were doing? Oh? Certainly. Haven't listen to this letter here,
Lou Costello. Other radio detectives get you to listen, listen,
expecting something big on the shows, then in the end
they have nothing. You never disappoint the listener. You have nothing.
Right from the stock, Well, that's quite a compliment to
(29:19):
our writers. Sure, and I'm glad they heard that, fair letter, folks,
because our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman, with
Paul Conna Pacossela, Martin raguwayal in the stern, and our
producer is Charles Vander See you all next Thursday. Good night, folks,
an everybody, good night, everybody.
Speaker 3 (29:41):
Lesson each Thursday night at this time Brannother Great Abbot
and Costello Show produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure
to stay tuned from the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
The evening on this save AC station
Speaker 1 (30:02):
And
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