May 24, 2023 • 25 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
That's about time you got here.Where were you? Well? I was
told my uncle Mike Tolus and itsheat busy. He's got a eat biscus
for breakfast, functions dinner. What'sthe idea that bistually company is running a
slogan concerence? And that May hasn'tten in a thousand buckstop, wasn't his?
Uncle Mike? I think of theidea? He told him me the
mail in the biscus, you know, to eat the buxtop hall of that
may ever meet Uncle Mike in thefirst time they met had the Cockry Club
(00:35):
and they spent the first day inthe cup. The next time they went
to the twenty club, and thenit was swimming. And after that they
got married and they went to anotherclub that influenced their life. What club
was that? The Store Club?Well they're quite a couple. Oh yeah,
Uncle Mike says he it's only beenonly then two times in his life
that he didn't understand it. Me, when was that before they were married?
And after? Oh you should getmarried, custell and quit running around
(00:58):
every night. You wind up witha fring girl. You're right, habit,
and I'm tired of winding up.I want to stop pitching. We
give you time. How are yougetting along with your new girl? Oh?
How am I gettinglong with my newgirl? Who she's got meating out
of her hand? She has nextweek she's gonna buy me a dish.
(01:22):
I don't think I want to marryher anyway. She wears very expensive clothes.
How do you know her clothes wereexpensive? Every time might go over
to her house. There's a guyin the closet garden. Get him out
of get him all right, allright, all right, Wait a minute.
Why are you doing that rubber doll? What are you doing with that
rubber doll? Present? My sister'sbaby, Tony. He's one year old
(01:44):
today? Has the baby learning towalk? Yet? It? Kid is
only one year old? He onlylearned how to drive the car last week.
What's the baby's names? My sister'sfifth baby. She named mean toy
lotus blossom, mean toy lotus blosm. What's the child? A written a
big book that every fifth child bornas a Chinese? Well, never mind
(02:13):
that little What is your sister's husbanddoing? Now? What's he doing?
Now? He had a little fillingstation, and what a filling station?
But they picketed him and closed himup. Now he's hoping they stunt farm
a stunt farm. Mm hmmm.He figures that's one business. The Union
whill stick on those ind And Ihaven't seen your brother law in a long
(02:42):
time? How is he love?You wouldn't know him at tens of time
have chang? Whoa? He's onlya young guy. How does the sands
of time change his face? Becausemy sister builted him in a push for
an hour? Glasses? Where areyour sister and husband living granulated islands?
Yeah? Whoa? Where are yoursister and husband living? Now, I'll
(03:05):
let you know in a second handin the middle of the pain, they're
living in Pasadena. And boy isthat town? Oh no, no,
no, it's not so ritzy.You have a pasaden it's so high class
that they stop all of tourus atthe city limit and make them mink coast
before it can drive through town.No, I don't believe. Stop.
(03:27):
I don't believe that. I don'tbelieve that. I don't believe you don't
believe it. No, I don't. My brother Pagis should drive a truck
for the city of Pasadenia. Hetold me that all the garbage he picked
up was gift wrapped. You meanyour brother Pat drives a garbage truck.
Oh, he's just doing it untilhe gets his new invention on the market.
His invention will change the whole toothbrushians? What is a tooth on a
(03:51):
stick to clean Brushian Costello? Let'sface it, your brother's nothing but a
bub That's why I can't see it, thinking would a bum my brother pattis
can't sleep? We count sheep?I did once, I counts to ten
(04:13):
thousand sheet. I was just readyto fall asleep when along came a black
sheep, and I got to thinkof what a bump my brother pattis And
I couldn't wait the rest of thenight. Costello, here's that bicycle that
you ought it? Thank you?Hey, wait a minute, what's the
idea of buying a bicycle? Costello? I want to he wasting your money
(04:39):
like that? Buying a bicycle?I ansisted. You're telling me what you're
going to do with it now?Oh well, if you must know,
I must, I'll tell you.We'll tell me. Last night I sum
that was chasing we to Heywood andI couldn't catch it. Tonight, I'm
taking a bicycle to bed with me. If that don't get it tomorrow night,
I'm motorable Costello. With all thethousands of people that have no place
(05:01):
to live and are looking for vacantHow can you walk around with a big
empty head like that? You meantthe script, well, it says anything
like that. Wait a minute,I can tell a joke. I'm a
pretty good showman. Yeah, yeah, you tell a joke like Pete Pete
(05:23):
Barnum. Petete Barnham is dead.You keep telling those kind of jokes,
you'll join them. I don't know. I don't know about that little My
wife always laughs at my jokes.Do you ever notice those little crow's feet
around her eyes? Those are fromlaughing at my jokes. If those are
(05:46):
crow's feet around your wife's side rowsthat made him must have been wearing baseball
shoes. How can you say that? My wife, Betty has a beautiful
page. He's got an automobile phase. We're watching an automobile pase. As
soon as she gets the jets,you ought to have a lift. My
wife is okay. You'd better beoff if you found a nice home.
(06:11):
You'd be much better off love,if you found a nice home. With
a loving girl and got you knowwhere you're at. I don't, But
my wife is okay. You'd bebetter off you found a nice, home
loving girl myself. Right, Ifound mine? Have you got your place?
(06:42):
Have you got choice? But yes, let's go, let's go from
scratch. My wife is okay.You'd be better off you found a nice,
home loving girl and got married yourself. We gave you enough ton to
rehearses. Right, I I hada whole loving girl and I had to
get rid of it. Why whenI wasn't around, she was home?
Some of the guy, Well youshould go out, nice girl. I'm
(07:05):
going out tonight. There's gonna betwenty six girls at this party. I'm
gonna kiss every one of them.Oh that's the trouble with you. You
have no manner when there are twentysix girls at the party and you take
you talk about kissing every one ofthem. Remember one doesn't one doesn't.
No, Well tell me which oneit is and I'll cross you off my
list. I didn't get it.They are lost. Well we were before
(07:31):
Gostelli satisfied with one girl. Don'tyou know one girl that you liked better
than the rest? But I justtold one the day that I could really
go for it. Why not posedto it? Yeah? How dare you
said it to me? Well,your father proposed to your mother? Yes,
she was my mother. But thisgirl is a total stranger. But
why don't you start caughting? You? I did? I sent us some
(07:53):
orchard, not archard. It sayshere orchard. No, no, no,
not archerd arc kids? Did?Oh? Sure, probably have to
we're married? No? No,no, no no yet, I mean
you don't. You don't get thegirl with archids. You got her with
archids? Kid kids, kids,a minute, Where am I getting all
these kids? I ain't even marriedyet. We talk sense. I'm talking
(08:16):
about archids. Arkids are raised ina nursery. Your kids might have been
raised in a nursery, But ourkids are gonna be raised at home.
No, I don't understand. I'mtalking about arkids. We have orchids at
home. They're plotted. Take afteryou? Well, hello boy, where
(08:46):
did that come from? Kids?It's our beautiful new secretary, the all
of mine. Why I'm glad youshut up early. If you'll tonight,
I'm gonna sing a song just foryou. I didn't know s I gotta
high voice, I can hire youabove tea. Hi you fine? Thanks?
Hi you? They no attention tohim, They no attention to him?
(09:09):
And why don't you and I havea bite of supper after the show?
Well, I hired you. Don'tyou just think you should go out
with me? Kids? Please,Missy Castello all the time? Who I
want to go out with? Let'sjust me make you her own choice.
I won't try to help in anyshape or form, with your shape,
with your shape and form, nothingwill help you. That was a yeah,
(09:33):
you know if you appress up fortelevision. Well, why would miss
Rabbit want to be on television?It's the only way you can get in
every bar on Tonic once. Wellhave it? I and I think we've
both stuck out now utel one,Well, I guess I'll have a try
(10:01):
at it. Did you I knowit's too good to last? Well,
I'll have a try at it.Did you boys know that my uncle is
in the hospital. Tell us whathappened. My uncle was watching two men
(10:22):
hoisting a piano into the fifth floorwindow of a hotel. He was standing
underneath them, yelling, heave hoheave hole a minute. How did you
get into the hospital? He thought, he said, leave go Let's give
this kid chicks silver dollars and abox of Snickers. Buy it, cousin.
(10:43):
I think Viola has a terrific senseof humor. Oh, thank you,
buds. I have another funny story. I went to the race track
yesterday and bet on a horse.It was one hundred to one rific god
the horse wind No. He wasleading the field by ten length when suddenly
he jumped the rail and ran tothe grandstands. When he saw those three
of the gods, he ran tothe two dollars window and put a bet
(11:05):
on himself. Ladies and gentlemen,you have just listened to a joke like
three unemployed people, three unemployed yeah, yo, Viola and the guy that
(11:26):
wrote the stuff. And that's thehalfway marking tonight's laugh Ray, time for
an indimission to concentrate on this,yea. Well we go back to work
(11:46):
tonight. Let's hear from our blondeduty five little little bitsy Virginia, Maxim
and West West stand the wrong oneI have chose. Let's go where I'll
keep on wearing those trees and flowersand buttons, bows, springs and things
(12:09):
and buttons and bows, don't buryme in this frairie. Take me where
the steam and is from. Let'smove down to some big down with a
love books gal by the card ofher clothes, and I'll stand out in
buttons bows. I love you winbuckin the skirts that I've wan fun,
(12:35):
but I love you longer stronger whereyour friends all go the gun my boat
announced the book four don't and theguests hurts my toes. Let's summost wear
galfie us and satins and linen thatshows, and I'm mow yours and buttons
and bows. I love you winby bo skirts that I've home found,
(13:03):
but I love you a longer,stronger where your friends don't told as gone
my bus anounced the buttboard mot andcactus hurt my toe Let's summon swear,
go keep using those silk saddle andlet's show. And I'm all yoursing buttons,
bow, give me students women wherewomen are women in high silk closing
(13:30):
speakable clothes, French for fuel,the rocks all room, and I'm all
using buttonon bow all right, Yola, give yourself push somebody else well,
(13:58):
I want to take the olive ontoday. Football games say so like I
see on the fifty yard line.But you should say, ain't go enough
for her? Well, you won'tsit on the fifty yard line. She
wants to sit in the stand,right. No, I didn't know you
were interested in football at a footballit's my Oh, that's my meat.
I've known you a long time,Gostel, and you never went to winning
football games. Since what's this?When has football become me your meat?
(14:20):
Since the last time went to thebutcher shop? So the price is sake,
I thought, So you know nothingabout football. I don't be silly.
Yeah, but I used to playfootball. The coaches i'd played like
a tiger. Oh, you musthave been good after all. What is
it tiger about playing football? Whatposition did you play on the team?
(14:43):
Left tickle? Tickle, left tickle? All right, give mean left tackle?
I mean left tickle, I shouldtickle a guy who was carrying a
ball and making drop. Did youever play any important team? What's our
team play? Not the tame buta rough team. I want to put
a busted nose, two cracked ribsand a push ankle. Oh, that's
(15:05):
not the topic. Didn't happen toany player? Well, sitting on the
bench Cassella. I've been a footballfans of years and I've never heard your
name mentioned connection with any team coholaround Pattison, New Jersey. I was
famous Pattison High School, Cold Hill. They remember me as a guy that
invented the Costello hitting ball trick.Did you're hitting ball trick? Work?
(15:28):
Good? Good? That was twentyyears ago. Nobody's pound the ball yet,
Well, you don't look like nofootball player to me. Football players
have to be rugged and powerful andstrong. When I fed football of Cold
Hill and Patterson, New Jersey,I was powerful. All those kids were
rugged, very rugged. I can'tsay rugged, just just said it.
(15:56):
We didn't have no showers. Bythe end of the season. Everybody's chucking
the strongest team in New Jersey.With the wind that our backs, nobody
could be. That must have beensome footballs. I remember our last game,
but I was calling the signal Mildredfour Gladdy Hollywood seven nine five three
(16:22):
Verty Walnut three four one. Waitwait wait, wait, wait wait a
minute. Well that was the ideaof using girls phone numbers as signals radity.
While the other team was writing themdown. We spot forty six points
follow Costello boy out ticket You haveit right, one of my Stam's Shrovel
(16:48):
detect the fans. Boy, amI getting popular Sam Shoveled Detectives? Well
read it, Dear Lou Costello.I never missed your program. I really
enjoy your portrayal of Sam's Shovel,Private Detective. Your acting was so thrilling
my hair stood on end. I'mcoming over to see you tonight, Costello.
Someone here to see you show theman in no man, just a
few hairs standing on end. Well, Costello, Sam Shovel, you're really
(17:14):
killing the people. What case haveyou chosen for your Sam Shovel story tonight?
Well, it's a case I workedon in the Sara Desert. I
call it the two Dirty beddle windor it's time to change the sheet.
Oh that's enough. That's an oldcase cast. Haven't you got one more
up to date? Well, mylatest case, I call up the case
of the telephone operator who died dancingor sorry wrong rumble. All right,
(17:41):
let's let's go on with the case. As I'm Sam Shovel Private Detective.
We're in a slow day with thedetective business. I'm sitting here in my
little office listening to my favorite radioprogram calling doctor Bran, thank you Collig,
(18:02):
thank you Ling Turns. They nevercan find those two. There's more
going on and at a hospital injust operations. I turned off the radio.
I listened to the wind howling onthe outside, Pardner, it's a
(18:26):
southwestern wind. I decided to checkup with some of my latest cases.
Here's the one of the baby thatwas Jip. When I found him,
he was wearing half a diaper.Somebody has short changed him. I think
I'll relax you like a smoke.That reminds me of written the paper this
morning, where most of the doctorshave switched. The camels are now back
(18:48):
driving automobiles, and he's out thewind in the office across the street.
I see me, snographer. Whata girl. I took her to dinner
last night. She's like a bird. He always orders worm. It's about
time for my pile. Lieutenant Abbittedhomicide squad to show up. Last week
(19:12):
when the Red Cross asked for blooddonors, Lieutenant Abbott was the first of
volunteers. He gave his blood thehard way, the hard way. He
cut his throat. Every time Ithink of Lieutenant Abbot, I think of
his bulligged wife, brother is shebowlegged? When missus Abbott sits around the
house, she really sits around thehouse. Hello, same shovel. I'm
(19:40):
going to tell you that Martin theMurderous Midget is on the loose again.
Martin the Murderous Midget, the toughestmidget in the world, known to the
police's public enemy number one half.Yes, m if I catch up with
Martin the Midget, goodbye to hisracket. Lieutenant Abbot, ain't kitten.
He's a great racket buster. He'sbusted seen records already, this here,
and if you don't stop fusting themat the Beverly Hills Tennis Club, they
(20:03):
wanted them play there anymore. Damn, I got trouble with my owner.
I'm thinking of divorcing my wife.Last night I decided I I can't stand
her cooking. Lieutenant Abbot, You'remarried to that woman for thirty years.
How come you just decided you can'tstand her cooking the last night we always
eat out. However, let's forgetmy problem. I will. Let's forget
(20:30):
it, and Parley and forget yourjokes too. Damn. How's the detective
business going? Any new cases?Yes, I'm on the trail of a
woman criminal show off, Susie.If I catch us, you'll go to
the chair. I can't stand atgames. She's always showing off. Last
week she started bragging again. Shewanted to show everybody that her husband has
brains and the rest of woman forshowing that her husband had brains by shooting
(20:52):
the top of his head off,forget about show off. As soon as
he sam hearing hearing some real trouble, Door the Dip escape from prison this
morning, Door the Dip, mostbeautiful woman criminal I ever met. What
a temper she had. The firsttime I saw her, she was beating
her second husband over the head.She kept beating her second husband over the
head? Or was she beating himwith her first husband? Door the Dip.
(21:18):
She was mad about me. Itwas on account that she threw her
second husband over. All I hadto say was Dora, I want to
see you tonight. No matter whatman she was with, she threw him
over. On account of that,they put her in jail. You can
put a woman in jail for throwingmen over over the Pasadena Bridge. Damn,
I heard the door was a resident. We're working as a click in
the department store. She was jailedfor taking money out of the cash.
(21:41):
Ridge. That's a lie, lieutenant. You never took any money out of
the cash. I'm glad to getI never put any money in the cash
for the Uh there you are,Sam Struggle. It was Dora the Dip
and she looked more beautiful than ever. Yeah, I'm gonna kill you.
(22:02):
She's only bluffing. Sam. Yousent me to prison. You took me
away from my family, my fivechildren by my first husband, but seven
children by my second husband. She'sstill bluffing you. Sam. It may
be bluffing, but it sounds tome like she's got a full house.
Sam, on account of you,I spent ten years in prison, ten
(22:23):
years locked up with a thousand women. Do you know what it means to
be alone for ten years with athousand women? No? But I'd give
anything to find out. It musthave been terrible in prison, a Lieutenant
(22:44):
Abbott, You don't know what Iwent through. All day long. I
had a pose with my twin sisterfor pictures of prison magazine ads. What
did the ad see? Which twinhas the crime? Way? But now
I'm free, Sam Shovels, I'mgonna make you suffer as I've suffered.
Sam. Part of me died inthat prison. Don't worry, Dora.
(23:07):
With what you got left, youcan do plenty of living. Dora,
you haven't changed a bit. Ithought prison would straighten you out. If
they straighten her out. He cutstwo of them for every sense they got.
Damn shovel. In spite of whatyou did to me, I'm still
mad about. Yes, you're differentfrom any man I ever met. Now
(23:32):
you tell me the same. Okay, you're different from any men I've ever
met. Sam, you send mea prison and made a monkey out of
me. Now I'm gonna get even. I'm gonna give you a kiss that
(23:52):
will make a monkey out of you. Commydan Coble, speak to me,
where are you saying? Hop onthe tenderlier, don't stand there? Touss
me up, and then a bagof peanut. Well Costello worked hard to
(24:12):
night. Yep, you know mymotto, hard work, never heard anybody.
That's what I keep telling the peopleto do my work. Well,
thank you should thank the people thatdo your work. I'm gonna do that
right now. At first, Iwant to thank all writing staff headed by
any foreman with Paul Colin pet Custallo, Martin right away and Lemstern wait a
minute, and our band leader MandyMelnick, you're right. Let's not forget
(24:34):
our producer Charles Vander See you nextThursday night, Folks, goodnight, folks,
can night to everybody in Cardison.Letsten next Thursday night at this time
for another great Abbot Costello Shaw producedand transcribe in Bollywood. Be sure to
(24:55):
stay tunnim for the outstanding entertainment whichfollows up evening on this same EC station
That's about time you got here.Where were you? Well? I was
told my uncle Mike Tolus and itsheat busy. He's got a eat biscus
for breakfast, functions dinner. What'sthe idea that bistually company is running a
slogan concerence? And that May hasn'tten in a thousand buckstop, wasn't his?
Uncle Mike? I think of theidea? He told him me the
mail in the biscus, you know, to eat the buxtop hall of that
may ever meet Uncle Mike in thefirst time they met had the Cockry Club
(00:35):
and they spent the first day inthe cup. The next time they went
to the twenty club, and thenit was swimming. And after that they
got married and they went to anotherclub that influenced their life. What club
was that? The Store Club?Well they're quite a couple. Oh yeah,
Uncle Mike says he it's only beenonly then two times in his life
that he didn't understand it. Me, when was that before they were married?
And after? Oh you should getmarried, custell and quit running around
(00:58):
every night. You wind up witha fring girl. You're right, habit,
and I'm tired of winding up.I want to stop pitching. We
give you time. How are yougetting along with your new girl? Oh?
How am I gettinglong with my newgirl? Who she's got meating out
of her hand? She has nextweek she's gonna buy me a dish.
(01:22):
I don't think I want to marryher anyway. She wears very expensive clothes.
How do you know her clothes wereexpensive? Every time might go over
to her house. There's a guyin the closet garden. Get him out
of get him all right, allright, all right, Wait a minute.
Why are you doing that rubber doll? What are you doing with that
rubber doll? Present? My sister'sbaby, Tony. He's one year old
(01:44):
today? Has the baby learning towalk? Yet? It? Kid is
only one year old? He onlylearned how to drive the car last week.
What's the baby's names? My sister'sfifth baby. She named mean toy
lotus blossom, mean toy lotus blosm. What's the child? A written a
big book that every fifth child bornas a Chinese? Well, never mind
(02:13):
that little What is your sister's husbanddoing? Now? What's he doing?
Now? He had a little fillingstation, and what a filling station?
But they picketed him and closed himup. Now he's hoping they stunt farm
a stunt farm. Mm hmmm.He figures that's one business. The Union
whill stick on those ind And Ihaven't seen your brother law in a long
(02:42):
time? How is he love?You wouldn't know him at tens of time
have chang? Whoa? He's onlya young guy. How does the sands
of time change his face? Becausemy sister builted him in a push for
an hour? Glasses? Where areyour sister and husband living granulated islands?
Yeah? Whoa? Where are yoursister and husband living? Now, I'll
(03:05):
let you know in a second handin the middle of the pain, they're
living in Pasadena. And boy isthat town? Oh no, no,
no, it's not so ritzy.You have a pasaden it's so high class
that they stop all of tourus atthe city limit and make them mink coast
before it can drive through town.No, I don't believe. Stop.
(03:27):
I don't believe that. I don'tbelieve that. I don't believe you don't
believe it. No, I don't. My brother Pagis should drive a truck
for the city of Pasadenia. Hetold me that all the garbage he picked
up was gift wrapped. You meanyour brother Pat drives a garbage truck.
Oh, he's just doing it untilhe gets his new invention on the market.
His invention will change the whole toothbrushians? What is a tooth on a
(03:51):
stick to clean Brushian Costello? Let'sface it, your brother's nothing but a
bub That's why I can't see it, thinking would a bum my brother pattis
can't sleep? We count sheep?I did once, I counts to ten
(04:13):
thousand sheet. I was just readyto fall asleep when along came a black
sheep, and I got to thinkof what a bump my brother pattis And
I couldn't wait the rest of thenight. Costello, here's that bicycle that
you ought it? Thank you?Hey, wait a minute, what's the
idea of buying a bicycle? Costello? I want to he wasting your money
(04:39):
like that? Buying a bicycle?I ansisted. You're telling me what you're
going to do with it now?Oh well, if you must know,
I must, I'll tell you.We'll tell me. Last night I sum
that was chasing we to Heywood andI couldn't catch it. Tonight, I'm
taking a bicycle to bed with me. If that don't get it tomorrow night,
I'm motorable Costello. With all thethousands of people that have no place
(05:01):
to live and are looking for vacantHow can you walk around with a big
empty head like that? You meantthe script, well, it says anything
like that. Wait a minute,I can tell a joke. I'm a
pretty good showman. Yeah, yeah, you tell a joke like Pete Pete
(05:23):
Barnum. Petete Barnham is dead.You keep telling those kind of jokes,
you'll join them. I don't know. I don't know about that little My
wife always laughs at my jokes.Do you ever notice those little crow's feet
around her eyes? Those are fromlaughing at my jokes. If those are
(05:46):
crow's feet around your wife's side rowsthat made him must have been wearing baseball
shoes. How can you say that? My wife, Betty has a beautiful
page. He's got an automobile phase. We're watching an automobile pase. As
soon as she gets the jets,you ought to have a lift. My
wife is okay. You'd better beoff if you found a nice home.
(06:11):
You'd be much better off love,if you found a nice home. With
a loving girl and got you knowwhere you're at. I don't, But
my wife is okay. You'd bebetter off you found a nice, home
loving girl myself. Right, Ifound mine? Have you got your place?
(06:42):
Have you got choice? But yes, let's go, let's go from
scratch. My wife is okay.You'd be better off you found a nice,
home loving girl and got married yourself. We gave you enough ton to
rehearses. Right, I I hada whole loving girl and I had to
get rid of it. Why whenI wasn't around, she was home?
Some of the guy, Well youshould go out, nice girl. I'm
(07:05):
going out tonight. There's gonna betwenty six girls at this party. I'm
gonna kiss every one of them.Oh that's the trouble with you. You
have no manner when there are twentysix girls at the party and you take
you talk about kissing every one ofthem. Remember one doesn't one doesn't.
No, Well tell me which oneit is and I'll cross you off my
list. I didn't get it.They are lost. Well we were before
(07:31):
Gostelli satisfied with one girl. Don'tyou know one girl that you liked better
than the rest? But I justtold one the day that I could really
go for it. Why not posedto it? Yeah? How dare you
said it to me? Well,your father proposed to your mother? Yes,
she was my mother. But thisgirl is a total stranger. But
why don't you start caughting? You? I did? I sent us some
(07:53):
orchard, not archard. It sayshere orchard. No, no, no,
not archerd arc kids? Did?Oh? Sure, probably have to
we're married? No? No,no, no no yet, I mean
you don't. You don't get thegirl with archids. You got her with
archids? Kid kids, kids,a minute, Where am I getting all
these kids? I ain't even marriedyet. We talk sense. I'm talking
(08:16):
about archids. Arkids are raised ina nursery. Your kids might have been
raised in a nursery, But ourkids are gonna be raised at home.
No, I don't understand. I'mtalking about arkids. We have orchids at
home. They're plotted. Take afteryou? Well, hello boy, where
(08:46):
did that come from? Kids?It's our beautiful new secretary, the all
of mine. Why I'm glad youshut up early. If you'll tonight,
I'm gonna sing a song just foryou. I didn't know s I gotta
high voice, I can hire youabove tea. Hi you fine? Thanks?
Hi you? They no attention tohim, They no attention to him?
(09:09):
And why don't you and I havea bite of supper after the show?
Well, I hired you. Don'tyou just think you should go out
with me? Kids? Please,Missy Castello all the time? Who I
want to go out with? Let'sjust me make you her own choice.
I won't try to help in anyshape or form, with your shape,
with your shape and form, nothingwill help you. That was a yeah,
(09:33):
you know if you appress up fortelevision. Well, why would miss
Rabbit want to be on television?It's the only way you can get in
every bar on Tonic once. Wellhave it? I and I think we've
both stuck out now utel one,Well, I guess I'll have a try
(10:01):
at it. Did you I knowit's too good to last? Well,
I'll have a try at it.Did you boys know that my uncle is
in the hospital. Tell us whathappened. My uncle was watching two men
(10:22):
hoisting a piano into the fifth floorwindow of a hotel. He was standing
underneath them, yelling, heave hoheave hole a minute. How did you
get into the hospital? He thought, he said, leave go Let's give
this kid chicks silver dollars and abox of Snickers. Buy it, cousin.
(10:43):
I think Viola has a terrific senseof humor. Oh, thank you,
buds. I have another funny story. I went to the race track
yesterday and bet on a horse.It was one hundred to one rific god
the horse wind No. He wasleading the field by ten length when suddenly
he jumped the rail and ran tothe grandstands. When he saw those three
of the gods, he ran tothe two dollars window and put a bet
(11:05):
on himself. Ladies and gentlemen,you have just listened to a joke like
three unemployed people, three unemployed yeah, yo, Viola and the guy that
(11:26):
wrote the stuff. And that's thehalfway marking tonight's laugh Ray, time for
an indimission to concentrate on this,yea. Well we go back to work
(11:46):
tonight. Let's hear from our blondeduty five little little bitsy Virginia, Maxim
and West West stand the wrong oneI have chose. Let's go where I'll
keep on wearing those trees and flowersand buttons, bows, springs and things
(12:09):
and buttons and bows, don't buryme in this frairie. Take me where
the steam and is from. Let'smove down to some big down with a
love books gal by the card ofher clothes, and I'll stand out in
buttons bows. I love you winbuckin the skirts that I've wan fun,
(12:35):
but I love you longer stronger whereyour friends all go the gun my boat
announced the book four don't and theguests hurts my toes. Let's summost wear
galfie us and satins and linen thatshows, and I'm mow yours and buttons
and bows. I love you winby bo skirts that I've home found,
(13:03):
but I love you a longer,stronger where your friends don't told as gone
my bus anounced the buttboard mot andcactus hurt my toe Let's summon swear,
go keep using those silk saddle andlet's show. And I'm all yoursing buttons,
bow, give me students women wherewomen are women in high silk closing
(13:30):
speakable clothes, French for fuel,the rocks all room, and I'm all
using buttonon bow all right, Yola, give yourself push somebody else well,
(13:58):
I want to take the olive ontoday. Football games say so like I
see on the fifty yard line.But you should say, ain't go enough
for her? Well, you won'tsit on the fifty yard line. She
wants to sit in the stand,right. No, I didn't know you
were interested in football at a footballit's my Oh, that's my meat.
I've known you a long time,Gostel, and you never went to winning
football games. Since what's this?When has football become me your meat?
(14:20):
Since the last time went to thebutcher shop? So the price is sake,
I thought, So you know nothingabout football. I don't be silly.
Yeah, but I used to playfootball. The coaches i'd played like
a tiger. Oh, you musthave been good after all. What is
it tiger about playing football? Whatposition did you play on the team?
(14:43):
Left tickle? Tickle, left tickle? All right, give mean left tackle?
I mean left tickle, I shouldtickle a guy who was carrying a
ball and making drop. Did youever play any important team? What's our
team play? Not the tame buta rough team. I want to put
a busted nose, two cracked ribsand a push ankle. Oh, that's
(15:05):
not the topic. Didn't happen toany player? Well, sitting on the
bench Cassella. I've been a footballfans of years and I've never heard your
name mentioned connection with any team coholaround Pattison, New Jersey. I was
famous Pattison High School, Cold Hill. They remember me as a guy that
invented the Costello hitting ball trick.Did you're hitting ball trick? Work?
(15:28):
Good? Good? That was twentyyears ago. Nobody's pound the ball yet,
Well, you don't look like nofootball player to me. Football players
have to be rugged and powerful andstrong. When I fed football of Cold
Hill and Patterson, New Jersey,I was powerful. All those kids were
rugged, very rugged. I can'tsay rugged, just just said it.
(15:56):
We didn't have no showers. Bythe end of the season. Everybody's chucking
the strongest team in New Jersey.With the wind that our backs, nobody
could be. That must have beensome footballs. I remember our last game,
but I was calling the signal Mildredfour Gladdy Hollywood seven nine five three
(16:22):
Verty Walnut three four one. Waitwait wait, wait, wait wait a
minute. Well that was the ideaof using girls phone numbers as signals radity.
While the other team was writing themdown. We spot forty six points
follow Costello boy out ticket You haveit right, one of my Stam's Shrovel
(16:48):
detect the fans. Boy, amI getting popular Sam Shoveled Detectives? Well
read it, Dear Lou Costello.I never missed your program. I really
enjoy your portrayal of Sam's Shovel,Private Detective. Your acting was so thrilling
my hair stood on end. I'mcoming over to see you tonight, Costello.
Someone here to see you show theman in no man, just a
few hairs standing on end. Well, Costello, Sam Shovel, you're really
(17:14):
killing the people. What case haveyou chosen for your Sam Shovel story tonight?
Well, it's a case I workedon in the Sara Desert. I
call it the two Dirty beddle windor it's time to change the sheet.
Oh that's enough. That's an oldcase cast. Haven't you got one more
up to date? Well, mylatest case, I call up the case
of the telephone operator who died dancingor sorry wrong rumble. All right,
(17:41):
let's let's go on with the case. As I'm Sam Shovel Private Detective.
We're in a slow day with thedetective business. I'm sitting here in my
little office listening to my favorite radioprogram calling doctor Bran, thank you Collig,
(18:02):
thank you Ling Turns. They nevercan find those two. There's more
going on and at a hospital injust operations. I turned off the radio.
I listened to the wind howling onthe outside, Pardner, it's a
(18:26):
southwestern wind. I decided to checkup with some of my latest cases.
Here's the one of the baby thatwas Jip. When I found him,
he was wearing half a diaper.Somebody has short changed him. I think
I'll relax you like a smoke.That reminds me of written the paper this
morning, where most of the doctorshave switched. The camels are now back
(18:48):
driving automobiles, and he's out thewind in the office across the street.
I see me, snographer. Whata girl. I took her to dinner
last night. She's like a bird. He always orders worm. It's about
time for my pile. Lieutenant Abbittedhomicide squad to show up. Last week
(19:12):
when the Red Cross asked for blooddonors, Lieutenant Abbott was the first of
volunteers. He gave his blood thehard way, the hard way. He
cut his throat. Every time Ithink of Lieutenant Abbot, I think of
his bulligged wife, brother is shebowlegged? When missus Abbott sits around the
house, she really sits around thehouse. Hello, same shovel. I'm
(19:40):
going to tell you that Martin theMurderous Midget is on the loose again.
Martin the Murderous Midget, the toughestmidget in the world, known to the
police's public enemy number one half.Yes, m if I catch up with
Martin the Midget, goodbye to hisracket. Lieutenant Abbot, ain't kitten.
He's a great racket buster. He'sbusted seen records already, this here,
and if you don't stop fusting themat the Beverly Hills Tennis Club, they
(20:03):
wanted them play there anymore. Damn, I got trouble with my owner.
I'm thinking of divorcing my wife.Last night I decided I I can't stand
her cooking. Lieutenant Abbot, You'remarried to that woman for thirty years.
How come you just decided you can'tstand her cooking the last night we always
eat out. However, let's forgetmy problem. I will. Let's forget
(20:30):
it, and Parley and forget yourjokes too. Damn. How's the detective
business going? Any new cases?Yes, I'm on the trail of a
woman criminal show off, Susie.If I catch us, you'll go to
the chair. I can't stand atgames. She's always showing off. Last
week she started bragging again. Shewanted to show everybody that her husband has
brains and the rest of woman forshowing that her husband had brains by shooting
(20:52):
the top of his head off,forget about show off. As soon as
he sam hearing hearing some real trouble, Door the Dip escape from prison this
morning, Door the Dip, mostbeautiful woman criminal I ever met. What
a temper she had. The firsttime I saw her, she was beating
her second husband over the head.She kept beating her second husband over the
head? Or was she beating himwith her first husband? Door the Dip.
(21:18):
She was mad about me. Itwas on account that she threw her
second husband over. All I hadto say was Dora, I want to
see you tonight. No matter whatman she was with, she threw him
over. On account of that,they put her in jail. You can
put a woman in jail for throwingmen over over the Pasadena Bridge. Damn,
I heard the door was a resident. We're working as a click in
the department store. She was jailedfor taking money out of the cash.
(21:41):
Ridge. That's a lie, lieutenant. You never took any money out of
the cash. I'm glad to getI never put any money in the cash
for the Uh there you are,Sam Struggle. It was Dora the Dip
and she looked more beautiful than ever. Yeah, I'm gonna kill you.
(22:02):
She's only bluffing. Sam. Yousent me to prison. You took me
away from my family, my fivechildren by my first husband, but seven
children by my second husband. She'sstill bluffing you. Sam. It may
be bluffing, but it sounds tome like she's got a full house.
Sam, on account of you,I spent ten years in prison, ten
(22:23):
years locked up with a thousand women. Do you know what it means to
be alone for ten years with athousand women? No? But I'd give
anything to find out. It musthave been terrible in prison, a Lieutenant
(22:44):
Abbott, You don't know what Iwent through. All day long. I
had a pose with my twin sisterfor pictures of prison magazine ads. What
did the ad see? Which twinhas the crime? Way? But now
I'm free, Sam Shovels, I'mgonna make you suffer as I've suffered.
Sam. Part of me died inthat prison. Don't worry, Dora.
(23:07):
With what you got left, youcan do plenty of living. Dora,
you haven't changed a bit. Ithought prison would straighten you out. If
they straighten her out. He cutstwo of them for every sense they got.
Damn shovel. In spite of whatyou did to me, I'm still
mad about. Yes, you're differentfrom any man I ever met. Now
(23:32):
you tell me the same. Okay, you're different from any men I've ever
met. Sam, you send mea prison and made a monkey out of
me. Now I'm gonna get even. I'm gonna give you a kiss that
(23:52):
will make a monkey out of you. Commydan Coble, speak to me,
where are you saying? Hop onthe tenderlier, don't stand there? Touss
me up, and then a bagof peanut. Well Costello worked hard to
(24:12):
night. Yep, you know mymotto, hard work, never heard anybody.
That's what I keep telling the peopleto do my work. Well,
thank you should thank the people thatdo your work. I'm gonna do that
right now. At first, Iwant to thank all writing staff headed by
any foreman with Paul Colin pet Custallo, Martin right away and Lemstern wait a
minute, and our band leader MandyMelnick, you're right. Let's not forget
(24:34):
our producer Charles Vander See you nextThursday night, Folks, goodnight, folks,
can night to everybody in Cardison.Letsten next Thursday night at this time
for another great Abbot Costello Shaw producedand transcribe in Bollywood. Be sure to
(24:55):
stay tunnim for the outstanding entertainment whichfollows up evening on this same EC station
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