May 24, 2023 • 22 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Alright, alright, alright, alright, what what what's up? What's up?
(00:23):
What's up tonight? I think theparty to day? What's up tonight?
What about to pay? I tookmy aunt makes the football game at
the college at the end of thefirst quarter, thumped him and yelled,
whose game that makes up? Eversince I am your aunt? May doesn't
know much about football? Do youwhoa rooting section is the front end of
the pig? What he does?He does? Emm it right? What
(00:50):
can this? All? Right?You don't know much about football yourself,
do you? You didn't? Youshould see me in college? Hab I
was a trip of footman. Icould run ticket past boy. I could
really throw it those days. You'renot You're not doing so bad tonight.
(01:12):
One time I made thirty touchdowns inthe last ten seconds of the game.
Wait a minute, Wait a minute. How could you make thirty touchdowns in
ten seconds? I had to.My mother had a fit on the game.
You know. The quarterback dropped backand then the left clar tackle left
a hole in the whole big enoughyou could drive a truck. And what
did you do? I drove thetruck One tight quart kick off twenty one
(01:34):
men between me and a twenty onemen. Yes, even my teammates hated
me. That's enough, past out. I don't think you know the first
thing about football. Tell me whatis an unbalanced line? Unfalnced line?
Yes, Sidney Green streets though forthem all, I don't think you were
even out of football game. It'shalf oh, yes, I was half
(01:57):
oh, yes, I want goinga half time A texting. The place
where all the courts were sitting collapsedand I dashed over. Did you run
the first daid? Yes, sir, I picked up a cute little blander
started carrying out when I follows ushere give hurt of me and I supposed
brother, there's plenty more back here. Go get your own At that beautiful
(02:28):
suit you worked and I like itmyself? Look like a rep of the
inn brower. I never mind that. Look where have you been all day?
Where have you been all day?Well, I'll tell that. What
help my aunt made? Jimmy furnishedthe whole house for Thanksgiving? What kind
of furniture to get chairs? Tables? And bet? No, no,
no, no no, I meanwhat period is the furniture? Louis the
fourteenth the colonial or a late FrenchProvince. It's early army circle. That's
(03:00):
Uncle Mike, like the Parting Jew. Yes, especially the fourth post bed.
Last night he kicked him over theend of the right, over the
end of the four post bed.Why in the world he did do a
thing like that? He dreamed hewas playing for Notre Dame and his team
needed the extra point. Your uncleMike is just like you. You're both
dopes. My uncle Mike is nodope, babbitt. He happens to be
(03:21):
a very clever inventor. He justhad a new kind of motorcycles, the
toe fad. This motorcycle is sofat that you can get on it and
lost Angeles at midnight and being Kukamongat two o'clock in the morning. That's
so, But told me one thingwrong with it? Who wants to be
in Kukamong at two o'clock in themorning. Well, I just threw bruise
(03:46):
what I've always said. Your uncleMichael is a shiftless loafer. He gambles
away every sentence against Oh no,he reformed of it. He's never gonna
shoot dish to play cards again.He said that before, I know,
But this time I judge said itdoes Uncle Mike still drinking as much as
ever lose. How he quits whenhe's had enough? How can he tell
when he's had enough? Well,he's across the table from at Me and
(04:10):
he sits there with a big button, stops drinking the minute a mate struts
looking good to him, he knowshe's had enough. Hey, look there's
your uncle. Mike and at Mefight as much as they used to know.
But they had an argument yesterday.She called at them in a pushing
and kicked him in the stomach.Picked them in the stomach. Yeah,
but that was his fault. Heturned around. Does your uncle Mike still
(04:35):
works with the orange growers, Loue? Oh, yes, very important man
in the orangements. It's hap it. He's the only guy that can tell
a California arms from a Florida arm. How does he do it? While
he cuts an orange and half holdsit over a map of the United States
and squeezes him. If it's aCalifornia orange, it squirts all over Florida.
Luck, Loue, did you havea good Thanksgiving? I'll tell you
(04:59):
as soon as they get to Isighted it. I found it, yes,
but we didn't have any turkey.You didn't have a turkey? Why
not? By the time I gotto the butchers, all the finance companies
were closed. You mean to tellme that the price of turkeys that high?
Are the prices? Hi? Yeah, there was one woman in a
butcher's shop that didn't buy anything,and that way two pounds? Never mind
(05:27):
that, did you buy a turkey? I heard a bunch of two bucks
says what kind of turkey can Ibuy for that? And he heard me
an ey and hey? The questionI think I got. I got a
tuck. Your peace doc says,where did you eat your thanksgetting the w
y WSA? Why men aren't allowedin there? I know, but I
(05:49):
love to go there. It takestoo many of them to throw you up.
You wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner witha girl? Why didn't you have
a didn't you make a date withmy wife? My wife's twin sister,
Elliot? When I sit down atthe table for Thanksgiving, I want to
see us turkey, not an oldcrow. Ella's a lovely girl. If
(06:13):
you want to make a hit withher, why why don't you buy her
a box of candy? You knowshe has a sweet dude. I know,
I've seen it go back. Youguys haven't got some more to go
with it? Gentleman, I've gota few turkeys left over from thanks tiven
(06:33):
Ury. Would you like to buyone? What kind of turkeys have you
got? I've got Texas turkeys andVermont turkeys? How did you tell them
about Vermont? Turkes is still wearingHoover button. I don't think we'd be
interesting. Turkeys are too high thisyear. Well then how about buying a
raffle? Take it on a greatbig turkey for a quarter. I'll take
two of him. Here's half ofus. Thanks. Here's your tickets for
(06:55):
the biggest turkey in town. Heyjust a minute, who woo? These
are tickets for that tickets. Thesetickets are for the Abbot and Costolo radio
show. You know, a biggertykey. Away with that Abbot, I'll
break every point in his body.Where did he go? Right through that
door? You get him? Yeah? Open the back door? Well the
(07:20):
dora is open. How are yougonna do it? I don't want I
just wanted to say good bye.I fell it was a chame. Thanksgiving
Day, it's nearly over and youdidn't even get a turkey. Someday off
the bitch. Someday I'll have plentyof money, and when I do,
I'll get a shit on the Chicagostock yard. You mean stocking is change.
(07:43):
I mean stock yard when all thatmeat comes in, I want to
be there. I'm afraid you willnever have any money. You don't know
the value of a dollar? Howcan I? Every time I learned the
value of a dollar, some guyin Washington changes it. Well, Happy,
Thankgiving boy? Look Costello, secretary, the ali one the Alla.
(08:05):
You look beautiful. How about youam me stepping out after the show?
Oh tonight the I'll be tied upat home tonight. Good. Maybe you'll
be more from that way over theAlla. You must be very busy.
Every time Costello asked you for aday, you're busy. Well, I
(08:26):
am busy. Monday's I go togym class, Tuesday's I play golf,
Wednesday's I go horseback riding. Andwhen I have nothing on I go planning.
Wouldn't pick a better time for it? On second thought, this is
Thanksgiving and I'm kind of hungry fora day. Why not go out with
(08:50):
me? At says she's hungry,She's not stopping now. I suppose I
did invite you over to my housetonight, Costello. What would you do?
Oh? Well, we played games. We play like hide and sheet
maybe post office. Oh that's akid game the way I play it?
All right, Well, how doyou play hide and see? Well,
(09:13):
of course you cut up the ten, then running, hiding the class.
Then I cut up the tent andrunning and hiding the class. A lot
of fun. Where does the funcome in? We both run to the
same classic nahella. I don't thinkI'll invite you over. You're too fickle.
What do you mean? Well,last week after the rehearsal, you
(09:35):
were taking a nap and I sneakedin and you were dreaming and saying,
no, Reader, no, reader, I won't kiss you. No,
no, no, oh what myname is not reader? Well are you
kicking about? I said no?Didn't I be always right? You are
fickle. You're always parting with girls. Last night I saw you driving down
(09:56):
Hollywood Bullavard and you winked at agirl. Don't wink because something got in
my eye and she got in yourcar too. I'm surprised at you two
arguing over girl. They aren't worthit. Women are responsible for a lot
of stupid things. You have itbringing your mother into this conversation. You
(10:22):
widiot, how did you find yourselfa girl and get married? You're you're
the kind of a girl I'd loveto be married. Why do you want
to marry me? Being married youwould be wonderful. We could have ten
children. Ten children, yes,and if we like him the second year,
we could have ten more. Theyall would be silly to marry you
while you do is chase girls.Mister haveb it is Rye Costello. I
(10:45):
understand that you kiss every blonde inHollywood. I have not. Well,
all right, name one blonde inHollywood? You have a kids? Oh
name two? Holland lad and Vanjosp You idiot, Allen Lad Van Johnson
wouldn't kiss you. They wouldn't.No, they wouldn't. Oh chaos,
(11:05):
what's the names out of my book? See? I was right. Costello's
not the guy for you. He'she has no brains, he has no
looks, and he has no money. I'm beginning to think you're right.
Just a minute, I'll listen here, rabbit. You don't stop crapping me
with girls, I'm gonna hide yourcourt screws. No, Costello, Costello,
(11:33):
come over, here. What areyou doing out there in the hall?
Yeah, but the employees of thenetwork just raffle off a turkey.
And my number was one one eightnine six four three two six five nine
two and hand. And the fellowstanding right next to me he had number
one one eight nine six four threetwo six five nine one. He said
to me, I'll trade you mynumber one one eight nine six four three
(11:56):
two six five nine one for you'reone one eight nine six four three six
five nine two. So I playedit on mine number one one eight six
five nine one. For here's numberone one two nine six four five two
six five nine two who won theturkey. One of the vice presidents would
(12:18):
take a number three. But Idon't care, Revn. I don't like
turkeys anyway. All the turnies inthe world we're lead into, and that's
the part I would get all.My wife is crazy about turkey. Today.
(12:45):
When she sat down the babel,she had a turkey egg. I
know she wear a muffer. Nobodywould notice it. What's that roll of
papers on New Year arm Ha,that's a Thanksgiving play we're gonna do for
the people tonight. And I wroteit myself. What's the name of your
playing, I call it the bravelittle band of Pilgrens who landed on Honest
(13:07):
John's rock. Yeah, I meanthat's Plymouth rock. How do you like
that? Even in those days,Honest John was the only one that could
get a Plymouth. Never mind that. That's the war with the player.
And now for our hero Rue Costello'splay, we take you back to the
(13:28):
year sixteen twenty, where we finda brave little band of adventurers aboard the
good ship Mayflower. The brave captainhas eaten nothing but fish, nothing but
fish for ninety days, but thatdoesn't phase him. Let's listen to this
fish phase, fresh mate, JohnAlden, to where are you here?
(13:56):
I am Captain Myles standards. Evenwe had some pretty tough weather. How's
the ship holding up? I havea report on the Mizzen mask. What
about the missing mask and missing threedays? There's a note stuck to that
dagger, A mutely among the men. Read this note. First meet John
(14:20):
Alden Costello. First meet it's adirty land lover and he should drop dead.
Which when do you swab? Idid give that man twenty lasses in
a post? Why not we loseput the whole crew on bread and water,
(14:41):
white temper um. Let him meetthe regular food happened, Miles Standards,
Habit, Me think you made amistake when we left England. I
think you forgot to untie the boatfrom the dot. What makes me say
I'll make you say that. Justlook behind us. We're in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean and people arestill waving goodbye to us. Look look,
(15:03):
John Alden Coastell of his land head. We should be proud of leaf
blower has broken all records for theAtlantic Cross. Yes, we beat the
Queen Elizabeth by three hundred and twentysix years. Thank Columbus showing us away,
he mocked the root. That's funny. I didn't see a burmous shaped
sign all the way across, JohnAlden Costell, watch where you're stirring about.
(15:28):
Don't worry, Captain Miles Standish,habit. I know every reef along
this coast. There's one, now, you idiot, that's the shore.
Quick drop the anchor. Ay aye, sir, here's you go. John
(15:54):
Olivan Castella, what are you doingdown there? In no walking? He
ask me? Why don't as asalman? He just got so what are
you doing? Down there in thewater. I forgot to let go of
the ynchor so the little boat Mayflowermaids acrossing the shore was deserted. No
(16:18):
Indians came down to greet them.He was seven o'clock on a Sunday night.
All the unions were home in theirwig home. Listen, they're all
trying to guess the mystery tune andstop the tom time. First mate,
John Alden Costello drops the gangplank anddown the runway from the beautiful Cristel.
(16:52):
John Olden Costello, Honey, bun, just think of it. You and
I are the first people that saidput on this new land, this virgin
territory belongs to no one? Thestill in my love? Are you sure
this land belongs to no one?Look what it says on that rock what
Los Angeles City limits? An oftencastella. People are sobbing. He must
(17:15):
go into the woods and get foodfor our little band of pilgrims. Look
over there, abbit, there's afield of corn. That's Indian corn,
that's made you think made? Wouldmind if we take a little How are
you talking about? You just saidthe corn belong to me. I did
not. I said the corn wasmade then it's mazed corn. That's right.
What's wrong with finer man? Assome of her corn? I didn't
(17:37):
say the corn belong to me?Mary said the corn was made? Do
you like that? Here? Itis the year sixteen twenty and this guy
is starting a routine. Amazed isIndian corn. The Indians grind their own
corn. Those Indians are smart.We pay riders to grind. Are he
grums an Indian? I'll be friendlyand say hello? How do you say
(17:57):
hello to an Indian? I askedyou first? I just told you told
me what? How? If Iknew how, I wouldn't be asking you
how? Now you've got it?Got it? Now? I'm really mixed
up. Feller web after our scouts. Oh look, there's a note tight
(18:23):
on that arrow? Then are youslowly losing your hair? Chief? Chief
tomahawk and lose it all at once? Comes into anything and he has his
hand raising say something for him?Ye you can go now? Uh me
scouts the chief keep underwear? Whydid they call you chief? Cheep underwear?
(18:48):
Me? Creep up on you stepon my side and make way for
big Chief. That must have beena super key way some language. Pale
face meet him, Big keep runningwater. It looks like a big drip.
(19:14):
He meet my friend John Alden Costello. Are you gay? Are you
gayn We gotta get better actors.Tell me you're reading that wrong. That's
oh oh listen, Tubby. I'vegot a much right to play an Indian
that you have to play John Alden. Oh yeah, I'll have you know
(19:34):
that my great grand father goes backto Martha Washington. He does, yes,
of course, he only goes backthere when George's home. All who
cares about that? I've got troubledwith my own Why only this morning I
was tending up to most things mysweetheart Pokahana, and what happened? Her
father came along and put out myfire. Well, I've got to go
(19:59):
now. And as we stay inIndian, you fot I'm dead. I'm
a hut for you and your father'spusta tomahawk for you too, John Alden
Costello, I haven't the courage topropose of the fan Priscillo. You is
my best friend. Must do itfor me. You want me to make
love to the bad Priscilla for you? Yes? He doesn't know me very
(20:22):
well, does he? Pois gointo Priscilla's cabin. John Alden Costello proposed
to her. Proposed to her forme, Hell her, hell her,
I'm a soldier, he refuses me. I'll go back to the model.
I mean, you'll go back tothe battle. You go back to what
you like, and I'll go backto what I like. John, my
(20:48):
little Boston bake be Priscilla, mylittle tomato. Smother me with a catsup
of your kissing. When I'm closeto you like this, something cold seems
to spread all over me. Itdoes. Yes, you dropped your popsicle
down the back of my neck.Pray, tell me, why have you
(21:12):
come here? He proposed to youfor my dear friend, Miles Standers Habit,
the poor broken down guy. Hecouldn't come himself. He's all shot,
he's practically falling apart. He can'teven read us, read a straight
line anymore. Stella, my love, I'm not used to straight lines.
(21:41):
For Stella, my love. Youcouldn't go for him, could you?
Are you proposing for him? Itmust be wonderful to have a true,
devoted friend like you. Miles StandishHabit had another friend like me, he
wouldn't need any enemies. Oh whydon't you speak for yourself. John Allen
Costello, Honey, I'd love tomarry you, Priscilla, but I can't.
(22:07):
I'm already married. Hello. We'redoing a story from history, and
the history books say that John Allenwas a bachelor. That was before the
historians found out about John's other wife, Pla
Alright, alright, alright, alright, what what what's up? What's up?
(00:23):
What's up tonight? I think theparty to day? What's up tonight?
What about to pay? I tookmy aunt makes the football game at
the college at the end of thefirst quarter, thumped him and yelled,
whose game that makes up? Eversince I am your aunt? May doesn't
know much about football? Do youwhoa rooting section is the front end of
the pig? What he does?He does? Emm it right? What
(00:50):
can this? All? Right?You don't know much about football yourself,
do you? You didn't? Youshould see me in college? Hab I
was a trip of footman. Icould run ticket past boy. I could
really throw it those days. You'renot You're not doing so bad tonight.
(01:12):
One time I made thirty touchdowns inthe last ten seconds of the game.
Wait a minute, Wait a minute. How could you make thirty touchdowns in
ten seconds? I had to.My mother had a fit on the game.
You know. The quarterback dropped backand then the left clar tackle left
a hole in the whole big enoughyou could drive a truck. And what
did you do? I drove thetruck One tight quart kick off twenty one
(01:34):
men between me and a twenty onemen. Yes, even my teammates hated
me. That's enough, past out. I don't think you know the first
thing about football. Tell me whatis an unbalanced line? Unfalnced line?
Yes, Sidney Green streets though forthem all, I don't think you were
even out of football game. It'shalf oh, yes, I was half
(01:57):
oh, yes, I want goinga half time A texting. The place
where all the courts were sitting collapsedand I dashed over. Did you run
the first daid? Yes, sir, I picked up a cute little blander
started carrying out when I follows ushere give hurt of me and I supposed
brother, there's plenty more back here. Go get your own At that beautiful
(02:28):
suit you worked and I like itmyself? Look like a rep of the
inn brower. I never mind that. Look where have you been all day?
Where have you been all day?Well, I'll tell that. What
help my aunt made? Jimmy furnishedthe whole house for Thanksgiving? What kind
of furniture to get chairs? Tables? And bet? No, no,
no, no no, I meanwhat period is the furniture? Louis the
fourteenth the colonial or a late FrenchProvince. It's early army circle. That's
(03:00):
Uncle Mike, like the Parting Jew. Yes, especially the fourth post bed.
Last night he kicked him over theend of the right, over the
end of the four post bed.Why in the world he did do a
thing like that? He dreamed hewas playing for Notre Dame and his team
needed the extra point. Your uncleMike is just like you. You're both
dopes. My uncle Mike is nodope, babbitt. He happens to be
(03:21):
a very clever inventor. He justhad a new kind of motorcycles, the
toe fad. This motorcycle is sofat that you can get on it and
lost Angeles at midnight and being Kukamongat two o'clock in the morning. That's
so, But told me one thingwrong with it? Who wants to be
in Kukamong at two o'clock in themorning. Well, I just threw bruise
(03:46):
what I've always said. Your uncleMichael is a shiftless loafer. He gambles
away every sentence against Oh no,he reformed of it. He's never gonna
shoot dish to play cards again.He said that before, I know,
But this time I judge said itdoes Uncle Mike still drinking as much as
ever lose. How he quits whenhe's had enough? How can he tell
when he's had enough? Well,he's across the table from at Me and
(04:10):
he sits there with a big button, stops drinking the minute a mate struts
looking good to him, he knowshe's had enough. Hey, look there's
your uncle. Mike and at Mefight as much as they used to know.
But they had an argument yesterday.She called at them in a pushing
and kicked him in the stomach.Picked them in the stomach. Yeah,
but that was his fault. Heturned around. Does your uncle Mike still
(04:35):
works with the orange growers, Loue? Oh, yes, very important man
in the orangements. It's hap it. He's the only guy that can tell
a California arms from a Florida arm. How does he do it? While
he cuts an orange and half holdsit over a map of the United States
and squeezes him. If it's aCalifornia orange, it squirts all over Florida.
Luck, Loue, did you havea good Thanksgiving? I'll tell you
(04:59):
as soon as they get to Isighted it. I found it, yes,
but we didn't have any turkey.You didn't have a turkey? Why
not? By the time I gotto the butchers, all the finance companies
were closed. You mean to tellme that the price of turkeys that high?
Are the prices? Hi? Yeah, there was one woman in a
butcher's shop that didn't buy anything,and that way two pounds? Never mind
(05:27):
that, did you buy a turkey? I heard a bunch of two bucks
says what kind of turkey can Ibuy for that? And he heard me
an ey and hey? The questionI think I got. I got a
tuck. Your peace doc says,where did you eat your thanksgetting the w
y WSA? Why men aren't allowedin there? I know, but I
(05:49):
love to go there. It takestoo many of them to throw you up.
You wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner witha girl? Why didn't you have
a didn't you make a date withmy wife? My wife's twin sister,
Elliot? When I sit down atthe table for Thanksgiving, I want to
see us turkey, not an oldcrow. Ella's a lovely girl. If
(06:13):
you want to make a hit withher, why why don't you buy her
a box of candy? You knowshe has a sweet dude. I know,
I've seen it go back. Youguys haven't got some more to go
with it? Gentleman, I've gota few turkeys left over from thanks tiven
(06:33):
Ury. Would you like to buyone? What kind of turkeys have you
got? I've got Texas turkeys andVermont turkeys? How did you tell them
about Vermont? Turkes is still wearingHoover button. I don't think we'd be
interesting. Turkeys are too high thisyear. Well then how about buying a
raffle? Take it on a greatbig turkey for a quarter. I'll take
two of him. Here's half ofus. Thanks. Here's your tickets for
(06:55):
the biggest turkey in town. Heyjust a minute, who woo? These
are tickets for that tickets. Thesetickets are for the Abbot and Costolo radio
show. You know, a biggertykey. Away with that Abbot, I'll
break every point in his body.Where did he go? Right through that
door? You get him? Yeah? Open the back door? Well the
(07:20):
dora is open. How are yougonna do it? I don't want I
just wanted to say good bye.I fell it was a chame. Thanksgiving
Day, it's nearly over and youdidn't even get a turkey. Someday off
the bitch. Someday I'll have plentyof money, and when I do,
I'll get a shit on the Chicagostock yard. You mean stocking is change.
(07:43):
I mean stock yard when all thatmeat comes in, I want to
be there. I'm afraid you willnever have any money. You don't know
the value of a dollar? Howcan I? Every time I learned the
value of a dollar, some guyin Washington changes it. Well, Happy,
Thankgiving boy? Look Costello, secretary, the ali one the Alla.
(08:05):
You look beautiful. How about youam me stepping out after the show?
Oh tonight the I'll be tied upat home tonight. Good. Maybe you'll
be more from that way over theAlla. You must be very busy.
Every time Costello asked you for aday, you're busy. Well, I
(08:26):
am busy. Monday's I go togym class, Tuesday's I play golf,
Wednesday's I go horseback riding. Andwhen I have nothing on I go planning.
Wouldn't pick a better time for it? On second thought, this is
Thanksgiving and I'm kind of hungry fora day. Why not go out with
(08:50):
me? At says she's hungry,She's not stopping now. I suppose I
did invite you over to my housetonight, Costello. What would you do?
Oh? Well, we played games. We play like hide and sheet
maybe post office. Oh that's akid game the way I play it?
All right, Well, how doyou play hide and see? Well,
(09:13):
of course you cut up the ten, then running, hiding the class.
Then I cut up the tent andrunning and hiding the class. A lot
of fun. Where does the funcome in? We both run to the
same classic nahella. I don't thinkI'll invite you over. You're too fickle.
What do you mean? Well,last week after the rehearsal, you
(09:35):
were taking a nap and I sneakedin and you were dreaming and saying,
no, Reader, no, reader, I won't kiss you. No,
no, no, oh what myname is not reader? Well are you
kicking about? I said no?Didn't I be always right? You are
fickle. You're always parting with girls. Last night I saw you driving down
(09:56):
Hollywood Bullavard and you winked at agirl. Don't wink because something got in
my eye and she got in yourcar too. I'm surprised at you two
arguing over girl. They aren't worthit. Women are responsible for a lot
of stupid things. You have itbringing your mother into this conversation. You
(10:22):
widiot, how did you find yourselfa girl and get married? You're you're
the kind of a girl I'd loveto be married. Why do you want
to marry me? Being married youwould be wonderful. We could have ten
children. Ten children, yes,and if we like him the second year,
we could have ten more. Theyall would be silly to marry you
while you do is chase girls.Mister haveb it is Rye Costello. I
(10:45):
understand that you kiss every blonde inHollywood. I have not. Well,
all right, name one blonde inHollywood? You have a kids? Oh
name two? Holland lad and Vanjosp You idiot, Allen Lad Van Johnson
wouldn't kiss you. They wouldn't.No, they wouldn't. Oh chaos,
(11:05):
what's the names out of my book? See? I was right. Costello's
not the guy for you. He'she has no brains, he has no
looks, and he has no money. I'm beginning to think you're right.
Just a minute, I'll listen here, rabbit. You don't stop crapping me
with girls, I'm gonna hide yourcourt screws. No, Costello, Costello,
(11:33):
come over, here. What areyou doing out there in the hall?
Yeah, but the employees of thenetwork just raffle off a turkey.
And my number was one one eightnine six four three two six five nine
two and hand. And the fellowstanding right next to me he had number
one one eight nine six four threetwo six five nine one. He said
to me, I'll trade you mynumber one one eight nine six four three
(11:56):
two six five nine one for you'reone one eight nine six four three six
five nine two. So I playedit on mine number one one eight six
five nine one. For here's numberone one two nine six four five two
six five nine two who won theturkey. One of the vice presidents would
(12:18):
take a number three. But Idon't care, Revn. I don't like
turkeys anyway. All the turnies inthe world we're lead into, and that's
the part I would get all.My wife is crazy about turkey. Today.
(12:45):
When she sat down the babel,she had a turkey egg. I
know she wear a muffer. Nobodywould notice it. What's that roll of
papers on New Year arm Ha,that's a Thanksgiving play we're gonna do for
the people tonight. And I wroteit myself. What's the name of your
playing, I call it the bravelittle band of Pilgrens who landed on Honest
(13:07):
John's rock. Yeah, I meanthat's Plymouth rock. How do you like
that? Even in those days,Honest John was the only one that could
get a Plymouth. Never mind that. That's the war with the player.
And now for our hero Rue Costello'splay, we take you back to the
(13:28):
year sixteen twenty, where we finda brave little band of adventurers aboard the
good ship Mayflower. The brave captainhas eaten nothing but fish, nothing but
fish for ninety days, but thatdoesn't phase him. Let's listen to this
fish phase, fresh mate, JohnAlden, to where are you here?
(13:56):
I am Captain Myles standards. Evenwe had some pretty tough weather. How's
the ship holding up? I havea report on the Mizzen mask. What
about the missing mask and missing threedays? There's a note stuck to that
dagger, A mutely among the men. Read this note. First meet John
(14:20):
Alden Costello. First meet it's adirty land lover and he should drop dead.
Which when do you swab? Idid give that man twenty lasses in
a post? Why not we loseput the whole crew on bread and water,
(14:41):
white temper um. Let him meetthe regular food happened, Miles Standards,
Habit, Me think you made amistake when we left England. I
think you forgot to untie the boatfrom the dot. What makes me say
I'll make you say that. Justlook behind us. We're in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean and people arestill waving goodbye to us. Look look,
(15:03):
John Alden Coastell of his land head. We should be proud of leaf
blower has broken all records for theAtlantic Cross. Yes, we beat the
Queen Elizabeth by three hundred and twentysix years. Thank Columbus showing us away,
he mocked the root. That's funny. I didn't see a burmous shaped
sign all the way across, JohnAlden Costell, watch where you're stirring about.
(15:28):
Don't worry, Captain Miles Standish,habit. I know every reef along
this coast. There's one, now, you idiot, that's the shore.
Quick drop the anchor. Ay aye, sir, here's you go. John
(15:54):
Olivan Castella, what are you doingdown there? In no walking? He
ask me? Why don't as asalman? He just got so what are
you doing? Down there in thewater. I forgot to let go of
the ynchor so the little boat Mayflowermaids acrossing the shore was deserted. No
(16:18):
Indians came down to greet them.He was seven o'clock on a Sunday night.
All the unions were home in theirwig home. Listen, they're all
trying to guess the mystery tune andstop the tom time. First mate,
John Alden Costello drops the gangplank anddown the runway from the beautiful Cristel.
(16:52):
John Olden Costello, Honey, bun, just think of it. You and
I are the first people that saidput on this new land, this virgin
territory belongs to no one? Thestill in my love? Are you sure
this land belongs to no one?Look what it says on that rock what
Los Angeles City limits? An oftencastella. People are sobbing. He must
(17:15):
go into the woods and get foodfor our little band of pilgrims. Look
over there, abbit, there's afield of corn. That's Indian corn,
that's made you think made? Wouldmind if we take a little How are
you talking about? You just saidthe corn belong to me. I did
not. I said the corn wasmade then it's mazed corn. That's right.
What's wrong with finer man? Assome of her corn? I didn't
(17:37):
say the corn belong to me?Mary said the corn was made? Do
you like that? Here? Itis the year sixteen twenty and this guy
is starting a routine. Amazed isIndian corn. The Indians grind their own
corn. Those Indians are smart.We pay riders to grind. Are he
grums an Indian? I'll be friendlyand say hello? How do you say
(17:57):
hello to an Indian? I askedyou first? I just told you told
me what? How? If Iknew how, I wouldn't be asking you
how? Now you've got it?Got it? Now? I'm really mixed
up. Feller web after our scouts. Oh look, there's a note tight
(18:23):
on that arrow? Then are youslowly losing your hair? Chief? Chief
tomahawk and lose it all at once? Comes into anything and he has his
hand raising say something for him?Ye you can go now? Uh me
scouts the chief keep underwear? Whydid they call you chief? Cheep underwear?
(18:48):
Me? Creep up on you stepon my side and make way for
big Chief. That must have beena super key way some language. Pale
face meet him, Big keep runningwater. It looks like a big drip.
(19:14):
He meet my friend John Alden Costello. Are you gay? Are you
gayn We gotta get better actors.Tell me you're reading that wrong. That's
oh oh listen, Tubby. I'vegot a much right to play an Indian
that you have to play John Alden. Oh yeah, I'll have you know
(19:34):
that my great grand father goes backto Martha Washington. He does, yes,
of course, he only goes backthere when George's home. All who
cares about that? I've got troubledwith my own Why only this morning I
was tending up to most things mysweetheart Pokahana, and what happened? Her
father came along and put out myfire. Well, I've got to go
(19:59):
now. And as we stay inIndian, you fot I'm dead. I'm
a hut for you and your father'spusta tomahawk for you too, John Alden
Costello, I haven't the courage topropose of the fan Priscillo. You is
my best friend. Must do itfor me. You want me to make
love to the bad Priscilla for you? Yes? He doesn't know me very
(20:22):
well, does he? Pois gointo Priscilla's cabin. John Alden Costello proposed
to her. Proposed to her forme, Hell her, hell her,
I'm a soldier, he refuses me. I'll go back to the model.
I mean, you'll go back tothe battle. You go back to what
you like, and I'll go backto what I like. John, my
(20:48):
little Boston bake be Priscilla, mylittle tomato. Smother me with a catsup
of your kissing. When I'm closeto you like this, something cold seems
to spread all over me. Itdoes. Yes, you dropped your popsicle
down the back of my neck.Pray, tell me, why have you
(21:12):
come here? He proposed to youfor my dear friend, Miles Standers Habit,
the poor broken down guy. Hecouldn't come himself. He's all shot,
he's practically falling apart. He can'teven read us, read a straight
line anymore. Stella, my love, I'm not used to straight lines.
(21:41):
For Stella, my love. Youcouldn't go for him, could you?
Are you proposing for him? Itmust be wonderful to have a true,
devoted friend like you. Miles StandishHabit had another friend like me, he
wouldn't need any enemies. Oh whydon't you speak for yourself. John Allen
Costello, Honey, I'd love tomarry you, Priscilla, but I can't.
(22:07):
I'm already married. Hello. We'redoing a story from history, and
the history books say that John Allenwas a bachelor. That was before the
historians found out about John's other wife, Pla
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!