May 24, 2023 • 21 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:15):
Right down, some money, cookahead, down, right down down?
What are you doing with those boxinggloves? I'm going at the gold Gloves
tournament. I've been training you aprice lighter. Yes, I'm known as
put your boy Costello. Put yourboy Costello. Yes. I gave my
opponent left to the heart, Iright to the kidneys, I left at
the chops and a right cross tothe short rip and then he knocked me
on my pot roast. You don'teven look like a fight. That being
(00:41):
strong is all in the mind.You don't, Costello. You have to
think strong. Think of Atlas andyou'll have a shape like Think of personal
then you'll have a shape like his. That method won't work with me.
Why not? I keep thinking ofread it hay with whether you thing will
happen to you? If you gotknocked around and got punch drunk and boofy,
(01:04):
I can always be a straight manlike you. How do you think
you'd look with a cauliflower here mushroomknows in a squashed face, I'd be
the only guy in Hollywoo would havebuilt in the home garden. I tell
you you're a moron. What's up? You're a moron? That's enough.
Happened? One more word? Areyou on our fight? It is?
That? Ain't the word? You'rein a class with a nimbusil? I
(01:29):
know? Want me to help youout with your homework. I'll get right
madam. You look terrible. Ilooked so badly. What happened to you?
What happened? Yeah? You knowwhat happened? Why I don't get
a chance to donuting on the showall stop? Oh? I went to
(01:52):
that quick show Truth or Coincidences.They asked me a question when I When
I didn't give them the answer,they hit me with a head with a
crow bar, and ripped my clothesoff and hit me in the face with
a pians put a dirty water allover me. Boy, that's terrible.
Yeah, but the joke was onhim. It was I knew the answer
all the time. You should quithanging around quis show was trying to win
something for nothing. You want toget yourself a job and go to work.
(02:14):
I tried to. I studied tobe a parttender. I went to
the bartender school for two years andI still can't get a job. Why
or not? I can't fix atelevision set? I thought, so,
you're just stupid. Your whole familyis stupid. How can you say that?
My uncle Mike is a very brilliantman. He invented the cotton gin,
the telephone, and the steamboat.What about Whitney bell? And leave
(02:35):
the indressices out of this. He'spart time life guard at the Delmar Hotel
swimming pool. Are you kidding?Uncle Mike can't even swim. That's why
he's only working part time. Hehad a lot of trouble with that May
last week. He did. Yeah, he got her a new set of
false teeth, and he told himnot to take him out. He begged
her out to take him out.He pleader would or not to take him
(02:57):
out, But she did. Whathappened ahead collapse and your aunt May as
squite a woman low. She waited. She raised quite a family. Boy.
Yes, three years ago at thePatterson Fair, she won first prize
for having the most little boys fromone family. You had fifteen little boys?
What was first prize? A littleboy? Never mind that? Whatever
(03:20):
happened to your aunt May's a youngersister. She graduated from high school this
year, and she's so excited.She's going to Harvard. Harvard Harvard is
a boys School. Yeah, that'swhy she's so excited. She's going to
Harvard. That's ridiculous. None ofyour family ever went to collegue? Is
that so? I'm thinking a nightcourse right now at UCLA. Well no,
I'm read other words, that's UCLI. Well the three got a u
CLA. I'm ready here at LOUBHow are you making out? Not so
(03:44):
good? Monday night? The teacherasked each people to bring something that would
show what they want to be whenthey when they get out of school.
It sounds indurad. Yeah. Oneguy want to be a policeman, so
he brought a button off a policeman'suniform. One girl wanted to be a
nurse, or she brought a buttonoff a nurse's uniform. Another guy wanted
to be a fireman, so hebrought a button off a fireman's uniform.
Why did you nothing? Why not? I wanted to be married? How
are you going to get a buttonoff of that? You want to be
(04:11):
married? You don't know the firstthing about marriage. You don't even know
what it takes to make a marriage. To do so, it only takes
two people to make a marriage.Well, that's right, A single girl
and an anxious mother. As faras I'm a certain, marriage is a
three ring circus. What do youmean in three ring circus? Well,
first the engagement ring, then thewedding ring, and then suffering. Oh
stop, are you still going withthat striptease dancer with the Bryles show?
(04:36):
Oh? Sure, every night Ibring a three roses? Does she wear
them? He has too, it'sher custom. What about that new girl
and moving in the apartment next toyou, Well, I tell you I
had to think with her, andshe's a bachelor girl. Well what makes
you think she's a bachelor girl.She looks more like a bachelor as she
does a girl. Old girl isasking a girl's ages like buying a used
car. What do you mean,Well, you know the speedometer has been
(04:58):
sent back, but you don't knowhow far. Where did you take her
on the day, Well, wewent to a sort of father and help
with those fancy dishes, you know, I scream and bananas split. No,
I paid the whole check. Shedoesn't sound like she doesn't sound like
(05:19):
the kind of girl for you gotTella? Tell me do you still do
you still date that cute little blottingfrom the moment? Oh, show.
I had a date to go horsebacklighting with her last night. You did.
Yes. We rode along through themoonlight. It was beautiful. Her
horse was nuzzling my horse. Myhorse was nuzzling her horse. Must have
been fun. It was for thehorses. My girl didn't show up.
(05:43):
I guess she showed me because Ibought her mother a girdle and her mother
got mad too. Well, whatsize does her mother wear? Small?
Medium orlige? Oh no, no, no, women's girdles don't come in
those sizes happen? They don't knowwhat sizes do? They come in large,
larger? And here comes the showboat. Hello, Uncle ud,
(06:10):
Hello Uncle Louie, tabath snephew,folks. I left or us with the
door man, not to let youwin. Now, how did you get
past him? I held your scriptunder his nose and then stepped over his
body. There must be a wayto keep this guy out of here.
Now I've got it. I'll hypnotizehim. Come over here, Norman,
Now wait a minute, across delved. What a here's gonna do to him?
(06:31):
Let it hypnotize him and put himasleep. Look me straighten the eye
on him. Okay, you're goingto sleep. Abideva, abadeva sleep,
Abadava sleep. I think it's working, Uncle Louie, it is. Yeah,
My Abadava is asleep. Are youlay off? Morman? He's my
(06:54):
sister Olive's boy, and Olives avery lovely person and a big woman in
this town. I noticed that yoursister Oliver's built like state of Indiana.
Just what do you mean she hasa large south bend. My sister Oliver
is a leader of society. Beforeshe moved to Hollywood, she was the
rage of Kansas City. Your sisterOlive would throw any city into a rag.
(07:14):
She came to the right place whereshe came to Hollywood. She's a
typical Hollywood girl. What do youmean? A Hollywood girl at thirty has
wrinkled. At thirty five she hasright here, and at forty she becomes
a blonde and starts all over again. See what you want about my sister
in Hall, But she's a verywell educated woman. She's a college gradual
and she has a sep. Inoticed that you gotta try using Jergens solution.
(07:42):
You know, you know you haveno business ridiculing my family. The
last suit you were picking all mywife. My wife comes from one of
the finest families in California. She'sa Tracy. Anybody shis Cracy? Fertainly
not, certainly not. Dick Tracyis a character in a comic book.
Your wife is no loyal painting.Hello boy, Hey, look, Castello's
(08:07):
our secretary the olive on. Well, Laviola, you turn to look lovely
tonight? What is that you're worrying? Oh? Do you like it?
This is my nightclub bit nightclubs.Don't you get it? Att it?
No cover? You love gorgeous tonight? You and I would make a
lovely fair. Would be just likea couple of love birds. Would we?
Oh, I'll show you a fastI put one wing around you like
(08:28):
this. Then I put my otherwing around you like this. Then I
put then I beat up close toyour beat. Then I coo softly.
What do I do? Oh?Stand? If you old crop a worm
in his mouth out, I'm seriousabout it, and you are not well
(08:52):
the old. I bring you themoon on a silver plat. Oh,
that's wonderful abbit. How about you, Costello? Would you bring me the
moon on a silver platter? WhatI look like a waiter? The moon
on a silver platter is a poeticexpression like they're using song. Oh you
know, I wrote a song aboutthe moon, A very beautiful thing too.
(09:13):
What's the name? I call it? Carolina Moon? What are you
doing over Glendale? Casteller? Youknow nothing about writing songs. Oh.
I not only write songs, Ising him. Why When I was in
kindergarten, every morning I was gotup in from the class and sing Rockabye
Baby all the way through. Thatwas marvelous. There was nothing to it.
I was twenty one years old atthe time. Do you know any
(09:33):
other songs? Costello? Every nightI lay in bed night singing Irish lullabye.
Oh oh? Did that put youto sleep? Costello? You don't
think i'd stay await and listen to? How well I saw you last night?
(09:56):
Costello? I saw you were acat on a leash, and that
certainly is a funny looking cat.Is he yours? Yes, he's mine.
He's a football cat. I callhim first down? Why do you
name the cat first down? Everynight? He's got ten yards to go?
(10:18):
Well, instead of being out walkinga cat on a leash, a
boy your age ought to be outwith a girl. Well, I like
cats better. They're smarter than girls. Anyway, what makes you see the
cats are smarter than girl? Wellhave it. No matter how a girl
tries, she can't wash her facewith her tongue. Pay no attention to
him, Viola, why don't youcome over and see the preview of our
new picture by I do some lovescenes in the picture. I want you
(10:41):
to see my fat out kiss Youmean she'll see your faded out kisser.
Anyway, Fiola has got a datewith me. Well, I don't think
I'm gonna keep it, Costello,why not? Well, last Sunday he
took me riding and he insisted Iwear a riding habit. Monday took me
hiking and he insisted I wear ahiking suit. Tuesday he took me to
(11:03):
dinner and he insisted I wear adinner gown. Why are you breaking the
day? Tonight? Tonight he wantsto take me to a birthday party.
Well, that did it. It'sbeen a lot of fun, and it's
been a beautiful evening up to now. Mabel, Mabel, my name is
(11:26):
Viola, Well, whatever your nameis, it's certainly been fun. Get
him out of here. That's gottasomething that's got to be done about the
parking conditions around this studio tonight.I couldn't see a parking space in front
of the studio and back of thestudio, or even across the street from
(11:48):
the studio. It could be worse. What do you mean suppose you had
a car? Yeah, oh,never mind that. Did your uncle Mike
drive you down here tonight? Oh? My uncle Mike just took his California
and drivers testerday. You should haveseen him. He got in a car
with the inspective, backed into atruck, bumped into a street car,
and then he crashed into a stonewall. Did he passed? We won't
know till next Wednesday. Why that'sthe day he expect it gets out of
the hospital. Did you ervering mightgo to see his favorite program, What's
(12:13):
Doing Ladies? Yes, And therewas a line in front of that studio
two blocks long. That never mindthat. How did he like What's Doing
Ladies? I don't know. Bythe time he got in, they were
through doing it. I know.You know, your uncle Michael is an
ignoramus. He ought to get himselfan education. Yeah, she's got one
(12:35):
habit. Why ten years ago,uncle Michael was a garbage collector without an
education. Then he went to nightschool and he graduated. And what a
difference that made in him? Whatis he now? A garbage collector with
an education? Where never line himcrust. I wanted you to say,
I'm Shoveled exective story for tonight.It's a fascinating case, habit. I
(12:56):
call it the case of the Kerbstonemurderer or Gertie out of the gutter and
let the water go buy Let's geton with the cake. Let's do that.
And now the makers of smudge Potscigarettes present the further adventures of Sam
(13:20):
Shovel, Private Detective. But firsta word about our product, much Pot
cigarette. Smudgepots are the only cigarettesthat contain no nicotine, no harmful tars,
no tobacco. These cigarettes are madeonly from the finest domestic and Turkish
toweling. And remember our slogan.Much Pots are the only cigarettes that contain
(13:48):
alum our. Smogan is pucker whileyou puff. I got to your cigar
store tonight. They will give youa package of pop for nothing. The
package has no sharp edges. Takethem home and throw them in your dresser.
What a cigarette, so free,so easy on the drawers. And
(14:15):
now to the adventures of Sam shuttlePrivate detective. Yes, yes, I'm
Sam Shovel, Private Detective. I'msitting in my little office, looking at
my new office. Save. Thistime, I got a real office.
Save when I go home at night. I locked my office in it.
(14:39):
I see if he stopped string aroundmy finger. Suddenly I remember what it's
for, to remind me to takethe string off my finger. I've reached
my pocket for my tobacco. There'sa big hole in my pocket. That's
the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. I always choose a hole in my
pocket. This detect Your ragged isplenty tough. You've got to work in
(15:01):
all kinds of weather. Just listento that wind howling outside. I'll give
you that if you give me this. I'll give you this if you give
me that. It's a trade wind. It was such a nice night as
(15:24):
this that I was called us solvedthe famous farmyard murder. A Penish farmer
had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa.
What a tough case. It waslike finding a noodle in a haystack.
I decided to sheave why lad inmy face. The razor hums through my
whiskers, sang Louis woman with allher dive. I always use gillet blues
(15:48):
play. I decided to doll upa little in case of client shut him
in. I put on my swallowtailcoat. I take it off. Seems
stilly for a man my age towear a coat made a swallow table.
I noticed the headline in the morningpaper, the country is in a strange
position. On the next page itsays eggs are going up. Chickens must
(16:10):
be in a strange position too.Suddenly the phone rings. Hello, Yes,
this is the sam shovel, thedetective somebody that wants me to handle
the keys. Yes, no,no, I can't work that cheep.
(16:33):
No, no, you know myprize? What's that five thousand? Okay,
I'll take the case right, fivethousand. But remember all touchy rolls,
no jelly beans. I thought ofmy friend Lieutenant Abott of the homicide
(16:53):
spot. I might get him tohelp me on this case. Some people
think Lieutenant Abbot has a screw loosein its head, but I know high
tighten that's drew in his head onlyyesterday. One thing I will say for
Lieutenant Abbot, he knows his onions. He can walk in any vegetable store
and say that's an onion. Buthe's a real cop. Abbot don't know
(17:17):
the meaning of the word intimidation.That's only one of a million words.
You don't know the meaning. Hello, same trouble. It's my pile,
Lieutenant Abitt of the homicide squad.Damn, I'd like to leave my new
cow hide briefcaste in your office.That's a pretty briefcaste, Lieutenant, Yeah,
genuine cow hide. Open it.Cow is still hiding in. It's
(17:45):
a picture of your wife in atwo He looks kind of different in this
picture, her hair wearing a pageboy. Don't you look nice? Hard
to tell the page boy's pizza arehanging down over her face. Enough of
the snsen's him. Cops caught anold friend of yours last night, Shirley
(18:07):
the shoplifter, Beautiful Shirley the shoplifter. I once trailed her through a department
store, through the shoe department,through the jewelry department, the furniture department.
The night caught her in men's underwear. This is serious. M Shirley
is in the prison hospital. She'sunconscious, keeps moaning. Harry, Harry,
(18:32):
Harry must be in the state ofcomo. Damn. If you want
to see Shirley alive, we'd betterget over to the hospital at once.
Let's go. We arrived at thehospital. We were walking down the corridor.
(18:52):
I was reading the signs on thedoor. Doctor Kildare surgery, back
in ten minutes, Doctor Nichols surgery, back in fifteen minutes, Doctor Condom
perjury, back in twenty years.Dam Here comes the doctor that's taken care
of Shirley the shoplifted. He lookslike a pony to me. I heard
that, young man. I'll haveyou know that I've operated on over three
(19:15):
hundred patients and I never lost asingle one of them. You didn't know.
I know where each one of themis buried. Doctor Keimley. Going
and see Shirley now, yes,but don't stay too long, please.
The patient must not have too muchexcitement. Why not? How do I
know? All the radio doctors saythat, My goodness, aren't you Sam
(19:41):
Shovel the detective. That's me.Man. From the looks of you,
you need medical attention, Shovel,If you'll come here tomorrow between two and
four or between six and eight.Remember between two and four or six and
eight. I'll examine your head.Why can't I come between four and six?
That's when they're examining my head.Come on, Sam Shovel, here's
(20:03):
Shirley's room. Oh oh, poorShy, my, poor Shirly, Sir?
Are you and what are you doinghere? I'm sure his father s's
in the next room. She's gota premiseters noon. The doctors will operate
on. I'm afraid she'll die.Chear up, friend, I will operate
on Shirley. You always thought youwere a detective. Before I became a
(20:26):
detective, I was known as youngdoctor Shovel. Are you sure you can
do it? Sam? Am?I shure I can do it. Currently,
I'll skin out to the car andget my satchel up surgical instruments.
Thank you. Woman's got his Sachel. She's right in there, Sam,
(20:48):
Here I go. Has anybody gothummer? Here's a hammer? Thank anybody
got a chissel? Here's a chissel. Anybody got a blue torch? Gat
a minute, Sam, Sam,hammer chisel? Low charge? What are
you doing to Shirley? Watch Shirley? First, I got to open my satchel m
Right down, some money, cookahead, down, right down down?
What are you doing with those boxinggloves? I'm going at the gold Gloves
tournament. I've been training you aprice lighter. Yes, I'm known as
put your boy Costello. Put yourboy Costello. Yes. I gave my
opponent left to the heart, Iright to the kidneys, I left at
the chops and a right cross tothe short rip and then he knocked me
on my pot roast. You don'teven look like a fight. That being
(00:41):
strong is all in the mind.You don't, Costello. You have to
think strong. Think of Atlas andyou'll have a shape like Think of personal
then you'll have a shape like his. That method won't work with me.
Why not? I keep thinking ofread it hay with whether you thing will
happen to you? If you gotknocked around and got punch drunk and boofy,
(01:04):
I can always be a straight manlike you. How do you think
you'd look with a cauliflower here mushroomknows in a squashed face, I'd be
the only guy in Hollywoo would havebuilt in the home garden. I tell
you you're a moron. What's up? You're a moron? That's enough.
Happened? One more word? Areyou on our fight? It is?
That? Ain't the word? You'rein a class with a nimbusil? I
(01:29):
know? Want me to help youout with your homework. I'll get right
madam. You look terrible. Ilooked so badly. What happened to you?
What happened? Yeah? You knowwhat happened? Why I don't get
a chance to donuting on the showall stop? Oh? I went to
(01:52):
that quick show Truth or Coincidences.They asked me a question when I When
I didn't give them the answer,they hit me with a head with a
crow bar, and ripped my clothesoff and hit me in the face with
a pians put a dirty water allover me. Boy, that's terrible.
Yeah, but the joke was onhim. It was I knew the answer
all the time. You should quithanging around quis show was trying to win
something for nothing. You want toget yourself a job and go to work.
(02:14):
I tried to. I studied tobe a parttender. I went to
the bartender school for two years andI still can't get a job. Why
or not? I can't fix atelevision set? I thought, so,
you're just stupid. Your whole familyis stupid. How can you say that?
My uncle Mike is a very brilliantman. He invented the cotton gin,
the telephone, and the steamboat.What about Whitney bell? And leave
(02:35):
the indressices out of this. He'spart time life guard at the Delmar Hotel
swimming pool. Are you kidding?Uncle Mike can't even swim. That's why
he's only working part time. Hehad a lot of trouble with that May
last week. He did. Yeah, he got her a new set of
false teeth, and he told himnot to take him out. He begged
her out to take him out.He pleader would or not to take him
(02:57):
out, But she did. Whathappened ahead collapse and your aunt May as
squite a woman low. She waited. She raised quite a family. Boy.
Yes, three years ago at thePatterson Fair, she won first prize
for having the most little boys fromone family. You had fifteen little boys?
What was first prize? A littleboy? Never mind that? Whatever
(03:20):
happened to your aunt May's a youngersister. She graduated from high school this
year, and she's so excited.She's going to Harvard. Harvard Harvard is
a boys School. Yeah, that'swhy she's so excited. She's going to
Harvard. That's ridiculous. None ofyour family ever went to collegue? Is
that so? I'm thinking a nightcourse right now at UCLA. Well no,
I'm read other words, that's UCLI. Well the three got a u
CLA. I'm ready here at LOUBHow are you making out? Not so
(03:44):
good? Monday night? The teacherasked each people to bring something that would
show what they want to be whenthey when they get out of school.
It sounds indurad. Yeah. Oneguy want to be a policeman, so
he brought a button off a policeman'suniform. One girl wanted to be a
nurse, or she brought a buttonoff a nurse's uniform. Another guy wanted
to be a fireman, so hebrought a button off a fireman's uniform.
Why did you nothing? Why not? I wanted to be married? How
are you going to get a buttonoff of that? You want to be
(04:11):
married? You don't know the firstthing about marriage. You don't even know
what it takes to make a marriage. To do so, it only takes
two people to make a marriage.Well, that's right, A single girl
and an anxious mother. As faras I'm a certain, marriage is a
three ring circus. What do youmean in three ring circus? Well,
first the engagement ring, then thewedding ring, and then suffering. Oh
stop, are you still going withthat striptease dancer with the Bryles show?
(04:36):
Oh? Sure, every night Ibring a three roses? Does she wear
them? He has too, it'sher custom. What about that new girl
and moving in the apartment next toyou, Well, I tell you I
had to think with her, andshe's a bachelor girl. Well what makes
you think she's a bachelor girl.She looks more like a bachelor as she
does a girl. Old girl isasking a girl's ages like buying a used
car. What do you mean,Well, you know the speedometer has been
(04:58):
sent back, but you don't knowhow far. Where did you take her
on the day, Well, wewent to a sort of father and help
with those fancy dishes, you know, I scream and bananas split. No,
I paid the whole check. Shedoesn't sound like she doesn't sound like
(05:19):
the kind of girl for you gotTella? Tell me do you still do
you still date that cute little blottingfrom the moment? Oh, show.
I had a date to go horsebacklighting with her last night. You did.
Yes. We rode along through themoonlight. It was beautiful. Her
horse was nuzzling my horse. Myhorse was nuzzling her horse. Must have
been fun. It was for thehorses. My girl didn't show up.
(05:43):
I guess she showed me because Ibought her mother a girdle and her mother
got mad too. Well, whatsize does her mother wear? Small?
Medium orlige? Oh no, no, no, women's girdles don't come in
those sizes happen? They don't knowwhat sizes do? They come in large,
larger? And here comes the showboat. Hello, Uncle ud,
(06:10):
Hello Uncle Louie, tabath snephew,folks. I left or us with the
door man, not to let youwin. Now, how did you get
past him? I held your scriptunder his nose and then stepped over his
body. There must be a wayto keep this guy out of here.
Now I've got it. I'll hypnotizehim. Come over here, Norman,
Now wait a minute, across delved. What a here's gonna do to him?
(06:31):
Let it hypnotize him and put himasleep. Look me straighten the eye
on him. Okay, you're goingto sleep. Abideva, abadeva sleep,
Abadava sleep. I think it's working, Uncle Louie, it is. Yeah,
My Abadava is asleep. Are youlay off? Morman? He's my
(06:54):
sister Olive's boy, and Olives avery lovely person and a big woman in
this town. I noticed that yoursister Oliver's built like state of Indiana.
Just what do you mean she hasa large south bend. My sister Oliver
is a leader of society. Beforeshe moved to Hollywood, she was the
rage of Kansas City. Your sisterOlive would throw any city into a rag.
(07:14):
She came to the right place whereshe came to Hollywood. She's a
typical Hollywood girl. What do youmean? A Hollywood girl at thirty has
wrinkled. At thirty five she hasright here, and at forty she becomes
a blonde and starts all over again. See what you want about my sister
in Hall, But she's a verywell educated woman. She's a college gradual
and she has a sep. Inoticed that you gotta try using Jergens solution.
(07:42):
You know, you know you haveno business ridiculing my family. The
last suit you were picking all mywife. My wife comes from one of
the finest families in California. She'sa Tracy. Anybody shis Cracy? Fertainly
not, certainly not. Dick Tracyis a character in a comic book.
Your wife is no loyal painting.Hello boy, Hey, look, Castello's
(08:07):
our secretary the olive on. Well, Laviola, you turn to look lovely
tonight? What is that you're worrying? Oh? Do you like it?
This is my nightclub bit nightclubs.Don't you get it? Att it?
No cover? You love gorgeous tonight? You and I would make a
lovely fair. Would be just likea couple of love birds. Would we?
Oh, I'll show you a fastI put one wing around you like
(08:28):
this. Then I put my otherwing around you like this. Then I
put then I beat up close toyour beat. Then I coo softly.
What do I do? Oh?Stand? If you old crop a worm
in his mouth out, I'm seriousabout it, and you are not well
(08:52):
the old. I bring you themoon on a silver plat. Oh,
that's wonderful abbit. How about you, Costello? Would you bring me the
moon on a silver platter? WhatI look like a waiter? The moon
on a silver platter is a poeticexpression like they're using song. Oh you
know, I wrote a song aboutthe moon, A very beautiful thing too.
(09:13):
What's the name? I call it? Carolina Moon? What are you
doing over Glendale? Casteller? Youknow nothing about writing songs. Oh.
I not only write songs, Ising him. Why When I was in
kindergarten, every morning I was gotup in from the class and sing Rockabye
Baby all the way through. Thatwas marvelous. There was nothing to it.
I was twenty one years old atthe time. Do you know any
(09:33):
other songs? Costello? Every nightI lay in bed night singing Irish lullabye.
Oh oh? Did that put youto sleep? Costello? You don't
think i'd stay await and listen to? How well I saw you last night?
(09:56):
Costello? I saw you were acat on a leash, and that
certainly is a funny looking cat.Is he yours? Yes, he's mine.
He's a football cat. I callhim first down? Why do you
name the cat first down? Everynight? He's got ten yards to go?
(10:18):
Well, instead of being out walkinga cat on a leash, a
boy your age ought to be outwith a girl. Well, I like
cats better. They're smarter than girls. Anyway, what makes you see the
cats are smarter than girl? Wellhave it. No matter how a girl
tries, she can't wash her facewith her tongue. Pay no attention to
him, Viola, why don't youcome over and see the preview of our
new picture by I do some lovescenes in the picture. I want you
(10:41):
to see my fat out kiss Youmean she'll see your faded out kisser.
Anyway, Fiola has got a datewith me. Well, I don't think
I'm gonna keep it, Costello,why not? Well, last Sunday he
took me riding and he insisted Iwear a riding habit. Monday took me
hiking and he insisted I wear ahiking suit. Tuesday he took me to
(11:03):
dinner and he insisted I wear adinner gown. Why are you breaking the
day? Tonight? Tonight he wantsto take me to a birthday party.
Well, that did it. It'sbeen a lot of fun, and it's
been a beautiful evening up to now. Mabel, Mabel, my name is
(11:26):
Viola, Well, whatever your nameis, it's certainly been fun. Get
him out of here. That's gottasomething that's got to be done about the
parking conditions around this studio tonight.I couldn't see a parking space in front
of the studio and back of thestudio, or even across the street from
(11:48):
the studio. It could be worse. What do you mean suppose you had
a car? Yeah, oh,never mind that. Did your uncle Mike
drive you down here tonight? Oh? My uncle Mike just took his California
and drivers testerday. You should haveseen him. He got in a car
with the inspective, backed into atruck, bumped into a street car,
and then he crashed into a stonewall. Did he passed? We won't
know till next Wednesday. Why that'sthe day he expect it gets out of
the hospital. Did you ervering mightgo to see his favorite program, What's
(12:13):
Doing Ladies? Yes, And therewas a line in front of that studio
two blocks long. That never mindthat. How did he like What's Doing
Ladies? I don't know. Bythe time he got in, they were
through doing it. I know.You know, your uncle Michael is an
ignoramus. He ought to get himselfan education. Yeah, she's got one
(12:35):
habit. Why ten years ago,uncle Michael was a garbage collector without an
education. Then he went to nightschool and he graduated. And what a
difference that made in him? Whatis he now? A garbage collector with
an education? Where never line himcrust. I wanted you to say,
I'm Shoveled exective story for tonight.It's a fascinating case, habit. I
(12:56):
call it the case of the Kerbstonemurderer or Gertie out of the gutter and
let the water go buy Let's geton with the cake. Let's do that.
And now the makers of smudge Potscigarettes present the further adventures of Sam
(13:20):
Shovel, Private Detective. But firsta word about our product, much Pot
cigarette. Smudgepots are the only cigarettesthat contain no nicotine, no harmful tars,
no tobacco. These cigarettes are madeonly from the finest domestic and Turkish
toweling. And remember our slogan.Much Pots are the only cigarettes that contain
(13:48):
alum our. Smogan is pucker whileyou puff. I got to your cigar
store tonight. They will give youa package of pop for nothing. The
package has no sharp edges. Takethem home and throw them in your dresser.
What a cigarette, so free,so easy on the drawers. And
(14:15):
now to the adventures of Sam shuttlePrivate detective. Yes, yes, I'm
Sam Shovel, Private Detective. I'msitting in my little office, looking at
my new office. Save. Thistime, I got a real office.
Save when I go home at night. I locked my office in it.
(14:39):
I see if he stopped string aroundmy finger. Suddenly I remember what it's
for, to remind me to takethe string off my finger. I've reached
my pocket for my tobacco. There'sa big hole in my pocket. That's
the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. I always choose a hole in my
pocket. This detect Your ragged isplenty tough. You've got to work in
(15:01):
all kinds of weather. Just listento that wind howling outside. I'll give
you that if you give me this. I'll give you this if you give
me that. It's a trade wind. It was such a nice night as
(15:24):
this that I was called us solvedthe famous farmyard murder. A Penish farmer
had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa.
What a tough case. It waslike finding a noodle in a haystack.
I decided to sheave why lad inmy face. The razor hums through my
whiskers, sang Louis woman with allher dive. I always use gillet blues
(15:48):
play. I decided to doll upa little in case of client shut him
in. I put on my swallowtailcoat. I take it off. Seems
stilly for a man my age towear a coat made a swallow table.
I noticed the headline in the morningpaper, the country is in a strange
position. On the next page itsays eggs are going up. Chickens must
(16:10):
be in a strange position too.Suddenly the phone rings. Hello, Yes,
this is the sam shovel, thedetective somebody that wants me to handle
the keys. Yes, no,no, I can't work that cheep.
(16:33):
No, no, you know myprize? What's that five thousand? Okay,
I'll take the case right, fivethousand. But remember all touchy rolls,
no jelly beans. I thought ofmy friend Lieutenant Abott of the homicide
(16:53):
spot. I might get him tohelp me on this case. Some people
think Lieutenant Abbot has a screw loosein its head, but I know high
tighten that's drew in his head onlyyesterday. One thing I will say for
Lieutenant Abbot, he knows his onions. He can walk in any vegetable store
and say that's an onion. Buthe's a real cop. Abbot don't know
(17:17):
the meaning of the word intimidation.That's only one of a million words.
You don't know the meaning. Hello, same trouble. It's my pile,
Lieutenant Abitt of the homicide squad.Damn, I'd like to leave my new
cow hide briefcaste in your office.That's a pretty briefcaste, Lieutenant, Yeah,
genuine cow hide. Open it.Cow is still hiding in. It's
(17:45):
a picture of your wife in atwo He looks kind of different in this
picture, her hair wearing a pageboy. Don't you look nice? Hard
to tell the page boy's pizza arehanging down over her face. Enough of
the snsen's him. Cops caught anold friend of yours last night, Shirley
(18:07):
the shoplifter, Beautiful Shirley the shoplifter. I once trailed her through a department
store, through the shoe department,through the jewelry department, the furniture department.
The night caught her in men's underwear. This is serious. M Shirley
is in the prison hospital. She'sunconscious, keeps moaning. Harry, Harry,
(18:32):
Harry must be in the state ofcomo. Damn. If you want
to see Shirley alive, we'd betterget over to the hospital at once.
Let's go. We arrived at thehospital. We were walking down the corridor.
(18:52):
I was reading the signs on thedoor. Doctor Kildare surgery, back
in ten minutes, Doctor Nichols surgery, back in fifteen minutes, Doctor Condom
perjury, back in twenty years.Dam Here comes the doctor that's taken care
of Shirley the shoplifted. He lookslike a pony to me. I heard
that, young man. I'll haveyou know that I've operated on over three
(19:15):
hundred patients and I never lost asingle one of them. You didn't know.
I know where each one of themis buried. Doctor Keimley. Going
and see Shirley now, yes,but don't stay too long, please.
The patient must not have too muchexcitement. Why not? How do I
know? All the radio doctors saythat, My goodness, aren't you Sam
(19:41):
Shovel the detective. That's me.Man. From the looks of you,
you need medical attention, Shovel,If you'll come here tomorrow between two and
four or between six and eight.Remember between two and four or six and
eight. I'll examine your head.Why can't I come between four and six?
That's when they're examining my head.Come on, Sam Shovel, here's
(20:03):
Shirley's room. Oh oh, poorShy, my, poor Shirly, Sir?
Are you and what are you doinghere? I'm sure his father s's
in the next room. She's gota premiseters noon. The doctors will operate
on. I'm afraid she'll die.Chear up, friend, I will operate
on Shirley. You always thought youwere a detective. Before I became a
(20:26):
detective, I was known as youngdoctor Shovel. Are you sure you can
do it? Sam? Am?I shure I can do it. Currently,
I'll skin out to the car andget my satchel up surgical instruments.
Thank you. Woman's got his Sachel. She's right in there, Sam,
(20:48):
Here I go. Has anybody gothummer? Here's a hammer? Thank anybody
got a chissel? Here's a chissel. Anybody got a blue torch? Gat
a minute, Sam, Sam,hammer chisel? Low charge? What are
you doing to Shirley? Watch Shirley? First, I got to open my satchel m
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