May 24, 2023 • 23 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What happened? I have whoa Costellothe house? About time you got here?
Where were you? Wow? Haven'tI'm in all the crown heads of
Hollywood today? Costellohood are no crownheads in the Hollywood? But you never
(00:21):
walked to a pick line? Haveyou stop? Tell me where you've did?
When I was helping my uncle Michaela new invention he's have been at.
A planet goes five thousand miles anhour and goes to London five minutes.
Wait a minute. If it goesfive thousand miles an hour and goes
to London five minutes, how doesit stop? Let London get a guy
to work on that. I'll tellyour uncle Mike is as big as dope
(00:46):
as you are. Oh yeah,we'll have the Mikes a smart man abbot.
For ten years he ran the ChaseNational Bank for the investors he did,
yes, sir. For the nextten years investors ran a national Chase
for Uncle Mike. As uncle mightever been in jail oo? Yes,
one time he got so full ofChristmas spirit that they threw him in jail
for singing Christmas carols. Lots ofpeople singing Christmas carl on the fourth of
(01:06):
July. Horror, luckle, Mike, he's in the hospital. He's got
a mule on his nose. Amule, you mean, I'm all no,
not after the mule kicked him ina kisser. He's got a mule.
A fello that keeps you from beingthe biggest idiot in the world.
I guess I'm too fat for myhike. Alright, alright, come out
(02:46):
here. Where have you been?I was across the street having a beef
stew. Well I wasn't terrible.It had nothing in it but beef tongue
and oxtail. What's wrong with beeftongues and oxtail? Nothing? But who's
getting all that stuff in between?Hey? Loo, why did't you come
over to my house for dinner?We always have a have a crowd.
(03:07):
My wife's dinner is a talk ofthe town, and they're always informed.
What do you mean informal? Well, we don't dress for our dinners.
I wanted to talk of the town. Well, one thing, there's always
plenty of me at our house.Last time I was here, your wife
gave me a rabbits doing. TheNext day, when I come over,
your cat was missing. Just aminute. Are you trying to insinuate that
(03:28):
my wife served you cat me.All I know is every time I met
a dog on a street, myback arches. My wife is a very
particular cook. Her kitchen is amate. That's more than I can say
about your ant me. Her kitchenis they're strays. Her sink is skilled
with eggshells and draws in her kitchencaptains are full of carrot tops and wild
let us. She's sloppy, isnot. That's her hobby. It collects
(03:51):
garbage. You know, garbage isthe same as antiques. Garbage is the
same as antique. Certainly it's acollector's ite. A minute costella. You
must study to be an ignoramus.You couldn't be any dumber if you if
you were tweeting, Yes I could, if I was twitters at the two
of us and we could help eachother. I said, I don't know
why I associate with you. I'ma college man, a fraternity man.
(04:14):
See this five out of kafa haha? Look at this? What's that?
Half a canatuna trouble this? You'realliterate. You spend your spare time.
Why don't you spend your spare timereading lou trying to improve your mind,
think me, I read a lot. There's nothing to improve. You're
thinking like a bookcase well stacked,Abbott. When I think of something well
(04:35):
stacked, I ain't thinking of abookcase. Castella. Man would have to
go a long way to meet thedope at stupid as you. Oh no,
you wouldn't. I'm willing to travelthe trouble with you as if you're
you're an ignoramus. Do you knowwhat a nignoramus is? You're and I
like a spartner two his partner.Ain't you ever heard of vigna amos and
(04:57):
Andy? No, that's a sampleof your mentality. Because Tella, you
want to see it's a kind Iwent to one last week. You told
me I got a split personality.I'm really two people at it. You've
got enough personality split with ten people. Just a minute, don't last show
me where it says that I nevermind, I'll watch out it. You're
getting me mad. I can hardlyhold my temper in. This kind of
(05:23):
silly for you to hold your temperin when the rest of you is spread
out all over the place. Arewe both on the same page? Plainly
we are the trouble with you isyou can't read. You never went to
school, you're so I went toColt Hill High School in Patterson, New
Jersey. Oh wait, when didyou go to high school? September eleventh,
(05:44):
nineteen thirty five. You mean youmean you only went one day?
You mean you're supposed to go backnow? Wonder Y're so stupid. I
can't help it, happit had avery sad life when I was a kid.
My father used to beat me overthe head with a baseball bat.
My mother used to beat me overthe head with a baseball bat. My
brother pat your sait me over thehead with a baseball bat. Uncle Mike
(06:06):
has hit me over with a betwith a baseball bat. My uncle Jimmy
Color you hit me over with abelt with a baseball bat. My uncle
Tom Sistmas you shit me over thehead with a baseball bat. Everybody hit
me over. That was a terriblefamily. Yeah, but what a baseball
team we had. You must havebeen a pretty tough kid to say in
all that of us, I waspretty tough kid. Hat but I blow
(06:28):
on the toughest gang in Patterson.We were so tough that when we walked
down Main Street market street, eventhe sores backed up. Did any of
your old gang becomes successful? Loop? Oh? Did you ever hear Joe
Buzzle? He went at the businesshe's making he's making money hand over fisk.
(06:50):
Oh, No, you're being ahand over fist. He's in a
tire business, and in that businessit's hand over fist like a little I
remember Bozo, I seem to rememberit wasn't he the kid that got lost?
Wasn't he the kid that got lostin the woods? Yeah? She
was in the witch for five days, had nothing eat but pine needles,
pine needle. Yep, they haveany bad effect on him. Only when
(07:11):
he got home his mother made hima bigness of spaghetti in his stomach,
knitted a pair of socks out ofit. Well, you want to be
ashamed of yourself? Everybody not game. They all amounted something, But except
you. I'm doing all right.And only yesterday MGM called me up and
wanted to use me in a screentest, but I turned them down.
You turned down a screen test?Why? They wanted to throw me a
guest it and see if it wasstrong for anybody. I ought to get
(07:35):
rid of you myself and get myselfanother partner who would work with you?
I could work with the cow likeI could get lots of lambs. Would
you get a lot of lands inthe cow? You'd be surprised at the
things I could pull on her.Hello boy, hey, look, I
(07:56):
tell us our secretary the alone.Oh I feel so good to the just
a minute. I object the wayyou come in here the weekend, hug
and kiss me. I don't hugand kiss you. I know that's what
I object to you. You looklovely tonight. That's a beautiful dress you
have on. Do you lie?It's made of jersey. Looks a little
(08:16):
tight around Patterson. It's supposed tobe tied. It's it's a half and
half dress. It's half cocktail andhalf dinner gown. Which half you weren't?
Never mind it. Have you heardfrom your folks and you've been out
here? Oh? Yes, Igot a card. This morning they're driving
(08:37):
out and last night they stopped alittle place outside New Orleans called How's Bayou?
How's Bayou? Fine? How's Bayou? Just keeps up? I'm gonna
turn my ice machine. What doyou say? This keeps up? I'm
gonna turn my ice machine business overto my brother, pet We'll pay no
(08:58):
attention to you. Oh he's justjell I am not well, mister Abbott
is right, Costello, I cansee right through you. Well, it
was a little warm today to weara slip. Costella, You're not fooling
anybody. The Ola is getting wiseto you. Last week was her birthday
and you didn't even buy her apresent. Well, I didn't really expect
anybody. I think Costello is atype that gets cheap around Christmas time.
(09:22):
Just a minute, Dela, that'sa nasty thing to say. Costella gets
cheap around Christmas time, Thanks,Habit. Costello is just as cheap all
the rest of the year. Ifthe Plasters Union is listening, have but
(09:43):
abbats over walls thirty in the morning, hab It'll be back on a job.
Kind of out Castellia just jealous becausethe Ala and I are more popular
than you are. You're popular,certainly, haven't you noticed? Every week
when I come to the broadcast,there's a mob outside that grabs me and
asks me for my autograph. Curewhat happened? I'm asking? Do you
think it's worth it? What doyou mean? Is it worth it?
(10:03):
Dressing up every Thursday like Dinah Shoreright, you see Vo, he is
jealous of our popularity. Go ahead, the Yellow tell him how popular you
are. Well. I don't liketo brag, Costello, but I was
over at our koh yesterday and walkedon a set and Carrie Grant kissed me
three times. What that was overat MGM yesterday. I've been over the
(10:24):
time my shoe and last he lickedmy face? Costello, have you been
showing the Yellow around Hollywood the wayyou promised? Sure? I took it
a republic studios. All the cowboyswould add, din't we have fun villa?
Oh? Yes, Costello, hisshoe was funny when you ran in
a dark closet to play post officeand had cowboys. Shoved his horse in
(10:46):
with you, his horse. Thisis terrible. I'll see you later.
Where are you going? Oh?Where am I gone? I gotta go
over that corral and get back myfraternity pen. I'll get out of here
and stay out. Who hits it? Sound man? I like the I
(11:11):
like to fool around with the soundeffects. Every time I go there and
touch the stuff, he hits me. So yeah, he can't do that
to my partner. Come on,we're going over there. And what him.
Now, there's a sound effects thepartner, ebbitt, Go ahead,
fine, fool around with anything youlike. Thanks, hot whistles, anything,
(11:37):
make a train? Yeah, soyou're full around with my stuff again?
To me, it's gonna make something. I certainly him. What hap
it? If you don't stop pullingwith this guy's stuff, he's gonna knock
you up, brains out. Itis all my fault. Listen to you
(12:03):
from now on. I'll take careof myself. I can stand up for
my rights. Why don't you standfor your right? For that guy?
How would I left? Kept knockingme down. Let's go back there,
rabb. Somebody's writing us wrong.Let's go back there, rabbit. I'll
take care of you. I'm plentytough. Hare feel my muscle ahead and
feeling muscle, I can't tell withanything but a red corpsul Yeah, ain't
(12:24):
you got a hard head? Whoare you kids? None? The guy's
got muscle. I used to bea prize fighter. I was one of
the cleanest fighters in the ring.You should have you should have been there,
threw enough quarter on you. I'mthe guy can fight. I'm the
(12:45):
last guy I thought. I hithim so hard that the hold, uncle,
well, who are you fighting witha little left you, Tony?
I thought, so you you can'tfight and you can't act. In fact,
none of your family has any town. Just a minute, hop about
my cousin Vincent. He had agreat voice, but he could only sing
while taking a bath. He usedto wheelhim out of a station of a
bathtub. He seemed singwhile taking abath. But they fired him after his
(13:07):
first performance, right when the peoplestarted a plaud and he forgot himself with
stuff and took a bow. Whatis he doing now writing songs? You
should hear his new song? Hetook a little of bit from Irving Berlin,
a little from Cold Porter, alittle from Sigmund Lundberg? What did
he get three lawsuits? I forgetabout your cousin. Wait a minute,
(13:28):
what's all that meal doing in yourpockets? Hab it? That's my famail.
Everybody in the coutany is talking aboutmy great character, Sam Shovel.
Here I'll read one, dear littleCostello. I'm simply crazy about your Sam
Shovel de technic programs. Last week, as I sat listening to your show,
you were so thrilling I froze tomy seat I'm coming over to night
to see it. There's a guyout here to see your costello. What
does he look like. He's ashort man with a frozen seat. Come
(13:54):
on, jost All, let's getover the show. What is your Sam
Shovel case for tonight. It's oneof my smaller cases. I called it
the case of the sailor who wasshot while having headed Lamar and Lana turn
his pictures on his chest, orhe died with his buttes on found sinlessly.
Let's do it, okay, Now, the makers of Crummies, the
(14:20):
breakfast food that dares to be different, presents the adventures of Time Shovel private
detective. But first a word aboutour product crumbing. Crummies is the only
breakfast food that comes ready to serve. We put in the sugar, strawberries,
milk and cream right in the package. Look for it on your grocer's
shelf in the large soggy box andCrummies it's fine for the youngster. You
(14:46):
can safely feed Crummies to a twoyear old. Some of the well known
two year olds that eat Crummies arecitation on trust in Bazooka. Crummies is
the only breakfast food that is shotfrom cannon. So remember we're opening the
package. Stand back and friends.Mark my word, no cereal is as
(15:11):
good as crumming. You can putthat in your pipe and smoke it.
In fact, it tastes better ifyou put it in your pipe and store.
And now for the pot of adventuresof Pam Shovel, Riva Detective.
Yes, I'm Sam Shovel, SamShovel Private Detective. I don't feel so
(15:33):
good today. Last night my fraternityinvited me to a football dinner. That's
the last time I'll eat football fordinner. I'm kind of tired too.
I travel all night. I rodethe chief in from Alba Kirk. Next
time, I'm gonna take a trainride and piggyback on an Indiana's murder.
I was down there trying to geta conviction on one of my cases,
Maxie, the murderer blood. Hehad a clever lawyer. I charge him
(15:56):
with murder, but the jury whitewashed him. I charge him with Loshni,
but the jey white Washington, andI took him to a Turkish bath.
I had to get all that whitewashed. Often my correspondence is piled
up away while a lot. WhileI was away, I see a carbon
copy of the letter. I sentthe seasonal a buck for a fair of
handcuffs. It reads, send handcuffs. If good, we'll send check.
(16:22):
Then I pick up their answer,it reads send check. If good,
we'll send handcuffs. That reminds manBey get called on another case. I
think I'll clean my remington before Iput it back in my pocket. Someday
I'm gonna buy a gun. Iget tired carrying a typewriter in my pocket.
Suddenly I look up. There onthe wall of my office is an
oil painting. I bought it lastyear. It's pretty well. It's a
(16:45):
lot of trouble every day. Igot to oil it. I glanced across
the court. The beautiful sonographer theinsurance office is just coming to work.
She's punching the time clock. Clockpunched her back. I pick up a
morning paper. On the front page, it's a picture of John ell Lewis.
John el Lewis on the front page. I study his pace. I'm
(17:10):
trying to figure which I row asthe tony looks like another slow day for
the detective business. As I sithere in my little office, I'm unhappy.
I'm down on the dumps. WheneverI'm in this office. I feel
down on the dumps. That's notstrange. My office is located at the
dumps cross from my office as astationary store. There's no sign on it,
(17:33):
but I'm sure it's a stationary store. I've been watching it for two
years. It hasn't moved an inch. I just remember last week, my
pale Lieutenant Abit invited me to dinner. I must send his wife a bread
and butter. Note. That's asloppy job. There's nothing I hate worse
than writing on bread and butter.I glanced hot at the window in the
parking lot. They're getting ready tomove my car again to let another one
(17:56):
out. I hope the owner movesit, not the reckless attendant. Thank
goodness, the owner moved it.I noticed my pile Lieutenant Abbot on a
homicide squad coming this way. He'sa regular blood hound when he's after a
(18:18):
crooking a smell of trail. Fact, he smells any place one thing about.
Lieutenant Abberty speaks straight from the shoulder. He's got to that's where his
mouth is. Just then, LieutenantAbbot walks into the office. Hello,
same tuble, Damn. I justhad the most sensational lunch. What a
meal I ordered? Punk chops,bacon, fried ham, big knuckle,
(18:42):
Lieutenant Abbot, each he goes hogwhile man a cop has got to keep
his strength up. Sam, Iain't never know when I'll get in a
fight. Lieutenant abit is right.One thing I'll say for him. He
never ran away from a fight.He always takes a taxi a I'm I'm
happy today. I'm feeling pretty chipper. I'm really chipper. Lieutenant Abbott is
(19:04):
not lying. Nobody is chipper thanhe is. He's the chippest man I
ever met. He lives at theFiddle Hotel. It's a violin. The
rooms are up dollar a night,then up. If you get a room
for a dollar, you're up allnight. Am I right? Something movie
(19:25):
sound came from that bureau. Wecrossed the office of the bureau and started
opening the drawers. Here. Youwon't find me here. It's my viewer
of missing person speaking of a missingperson, Sam, what happened to that
cricket musician you were trailing? LieutenanAbbot was referring to Maddie Ben Joe Head
(19:48):
Malnick, the leader of one ofthe crookedest bands in this country. Sam,
How can you say that Maddie's boysare all artists? They must be
artists. I know they're not musicianLieutenant. When Maddie Benjo had moldly heard
I was after him, he tookit on the lamb. That was three
weeks ago. Hi is Sam Shovel, He's still on that lamb. Sam,
(20:11):
you gotta help me. That Bergmangang is prying to shake me down
for ten thousand dollars and I'm afraidI'll have to pay through the nose.
Why should you have to pay throughthe nose? That's where I keep my
money. What a clever crook thatmonch is. When he needs money,
he don't have to blow as safe. He just blows his nose. Just
(20:32):
look at it. I'd like tohave his nose full of Canadian Nichols.
All You'll have to get out ofhere, Sam and I are talking business.
I'll go, but first I wantto give Sam this batch of cookies
I baked for him. Here's Sam, they're your favorite kind policeman cookie Policeman
cookies. Sure, ain't you neverheard of copcakes? Everybody's got good writers,
(20:56):
but me. I want to haveto start paying next week. That
Malnik is a very clever boy.You ought to go over to the eagle
on me and put his head inwith the flat work. And never.
My name is Sam. Pay Lookwho's coming across the street. It's too
gun Gurdie, two gun Gurtie,the gorgeous gun moll. Once I asked
(21:17):
her to marry me, but sherefused. She's too class conscious. Gertie
is class conscious. I ain't gotno class and she's conscious of it.
As as I finished making this cleverremark, the door burst open and Gertie
entered my office. Sam, Sam, shovel my god, and ah,
Sam, you gotta help me.The cops are after me. They think
(21:38):
I'm hiding something. They think I'vegot it on me. You may have
it on you, but you sureain't hiding anything. Careful, Sam,
she's up to something. Damn.You gotta help me. If you do,
I'll be your slave, cooked foryou, hub wait for you,
(22:00):
I'll sew for you. Keep goinggirt, you're bonnet. It's something I
like a you're a cad, Sam, Come here, I'm gonna let you
kiss me. Sam show where areyour mannage? Where are your manage?
(22:21):
How dare you kiss this gun mollright before me. Wait your turn,
Lieutenant, I'll kiss you next.Sam, Sam, Why don't we start
going steady again? We could beso happy. Look out the window,
Sand see those two love birds andnet three. Why can't we be like
them and do what they're doing?Okay, but I don't think the branches
(22:42):
will hold us. Sam is ridiculous, You're like coping. She's a crook.
She's not for you. I keepout of this light foot. I'll
prove to Sam that I'm the girlfor him. I'll give him a kissing,
(23:03):
a buster buttons off his vest thati'd like to see. Come here,
Sam, Sam, Sam, Samshovel say something has any lady in
(23:26):
the audience got a needle a thread,
What happened? I have whoa Costellothe house? About time you got here?
Where were you? Wow? Haven'tI'm in all the crown heads of
Hollywood today? Costellohood are no crownheads in the Hollywood? But you never
(00:21):
walked to a pick line? Haveyou stop? Tell me where you've did?
When I was helping my uncle Michaela new invention he's have been at.
A planet goes five thousand miles anhour and goes to London five minutes.
Wait a minute. If it goesfive thousand miles an hour and goes
to London five minutes, how doesit stop? Let London get a guy
to work on that. I'll tellyour uncle Mike is as big as dope
(00:46):
as you are. Oh yeah,we'll have the Mikes a smart man abbot.
For ten years he ran the ChaseNational Bank for the investors he did,
yes, sir. For the nextten years investors ran a national Chase
for Uncle Mike. As uncle mightever been in jail oo? Yes,
one time he got so full ofChristmas spirit that they threw him in jail
for singing Christmas carols. Lots ofpeople singing Christmas carl on the fourth of
(01:06):
July. Horror, luckle, Mike, he's in the hospital. He's got
a mule on his nose. Amule, you mean, I'm all no,
not after the mule kicked him ina kisser. He's got a mule.
A fello that keeps you from beingthe biggest idiot in the world.
I guess I'm too fat for myhike. Alright, alright, come out
(02:46):
here. Where have you been?I was across the street having a beef
stew. Well I wasn't terrible.It had nothing in it but beef tongue
and oxtail. What's wrong with beeftongues and oxtail? Nothing? But who's
getting all that stuff in between?Hey? Loo, why did't you come
over to my house for dinner?We always have a have a crowd.
(03:07):
My wife's dinner is a talk ofthe town, and they're always informed.
What do you mean informal? Well, we don't dress for our dinners.
I wanted to talk of the town. Well, one thing, there's always
plenty of me at our house.Last time I was here, your wife
gave me a rabbits doing. TheNext day, when I come over,
your cat was missing. Just aminute. Are you trying to insinuate that
(03:28):
my wife served you cat me.All I know is every time I met
a dog on a street, myback arches. My wife is a very
particular cook. Her kitchen is amate. That's more than I can say
about your ant me. Her kitchenis they're strays. Her sink is skilled
with eggshells and draws in her kitchencaptains are full of carrot tops and wild
let us. She's sloppy, isnot. That's her hobby. It collects
(03:51):
garbage. You know, garbage isthe same as antiques. Garbage is the
same as antique. Certainly it's acollector's ite. A minute costella. You
must study to be an ignoramus.You couldn't be any dumber if you if
you were tweeting, Yes I could, if I was twitters at the two
of us and we could help eachother. I said, I don't know
why I associate with you. I'ma college man, a fraternity man.
(04:14):
See this five out of kafa haha? Look at this? What's that?
Half a canatuna trouble this? You'realliterate. You spend your spare time.
Why don't you spend your spare timereading lou trying to improve your mind,
think me, I read a lot. There's nothing to improve. You're
thinking like a bookcase well stacked,Abbott. When I think of something well
(04:35):
stacked, I ain't thinking of abookcase. Castella. Man would have to
go a long way to meet thedope at stupid as you. Oh no,
you wouldn't. I'm willing to travelthe trouble with you as if you're
you're an ignoramus. Do you knowwhat a nignoramus is? You're and I
like a spartner two his partner.Ain't you ever heard of vigna amos and
(04:57):
Andy? No, that's a sampleof your mentality. Because Tella, you
want to see it's a kind Iwent to one last week. You told
me I got a split personality.I'm really two people at it. You've
got enough personality split with ten people. Just a minute, don't last show
me where it says that I nevermind, I'll watch out it. You're
getting me mad. I can hardlyhold my temper in. This kind of
(05:23):
silly for you to hold your temperin when the rest of you is spread
out all over the place. Arewe both on the same page? Plainly
we are the trouble with you isyou can't read. You never went to
school, you're so I went toColt Hill High School in Patterson, New
Jersey. Oh wait, when didyou go to high school? September eleventh,
(05:44):
nineteen thirty five. You mean youmean you only went one day?
You mean you're supposed to go backnow? Wonder Y're so stupid. I
can't help it, happit had avery sad life when I was a kid.
My father used to beat me overthe head with a baseball bat.
My mother used to beat me overthe head with a baseball bat. My
brother pat your sait me over thehead with a baseball bat. Uncle Mike
(06:06):
has hit me over with a betwith a baseball bat. My uncle Jimmy
Color you hit me over with abelt with a baseball bat. My uncle
Tom Sistmas you shit me over thehead with a baseball bat. Everybody hit
me over. That was a terriblefamily. Yeah, but what a baseball
team we had. You must havebeen a pretty tough kid to say in
all that of us, I waspretty tough kid. Hat but I blow
(06:28):
on the toughest gang in Patterson.We were so tough that when we walked
down Main Street market street, eventhe sores backed up. Did any of
your old gang becomes successful? Loop? Oh? Did you ever hear Joe
Buzzle? He went at the businesshe's making he's making money hand over fisk.
(06:50):
Oh, No, you're being ahand over fist. He's in a
tire business, and in that businessit's hand over fist like a little I
remember Bozo, I seem to rememberit wasn't he the kid that got lost?
Wasn't he the kid that got lostin the woods? Yeah? She
was in the witch for five days, had nothing eat but pine needles,
pine needle. Yep, they haveany bad effect on him. Only when
(07:11):
he got home his mother made hima bigness of spaghetti in his stomach,
knitted a pair of socks out ofit. Well, you want to be
ashamed of yourself? Everybody not game. They all amounted something, But except
you. I'm doing all right.And only yesterday MGM called me up and
wanted to use me in a screentest, but I turned them down.
You turned down a screen test?Why? They wanted to throw me a
guest it and see if it wasstrong for anybody. I ought to get
(07:35):
rid of you myself and get myselfanother partner who would work with you?
I could work with the cow likeI could get lots of lambs. Would
you get a lot of lands inthe cow? You'd be surprised at the
things I could pull on her.Hello boy, hey, look, I
(07:56):
tell us our secretary the alone.Oh I feel so good to the just
a minute. I object the wayyou come in here the weekend, hug
and kiss me. I don't hugand kiss you. I know that's what
I object to you. You looklovely tonight. That's a beautiful dress you
have on. Do you lie?It's made of jersey. Looks a little
(08:16):
tight around Patterson. It's supposed tobe tied. It's it's a half and
half dress. It's half cocktail andhalf dinner gown. Which half you weren't?
Never mind it. Have you heardfrom your folks and you've been out
here? Oh? Yes, Igot a card. This morning they're driving
(08:37):
out and last night they stopped alittle place outside New Orleans called How's Bayou?
How's Bayou? Fine? How's Bayou? Just keeps up? I'm gonna
turn my ice machine. What doyou say? This keeps up? I'm
gonna turn my ice machine business overto my brother, pet We'll pay no
(08:58):
attention to you. Oh he's justjell I am not well, mister Abbott
is right, Costello, I cansee right through you. Well, it
was a little warm today to weara slip. Costella, You're not fooling
anybody. The Ola is getting wiseto you. Last week was her birthday
and you didn't even buy her apresent. Well, I didn't really expect
anybody. I think Costello is atype that gets cheap around Christmas time.
(09:22):
Just a minute, Dela, that'sa nasty thing to say. Costella gets
cheap around Christmas time, Thanks,Habit. Costello is just as cheap all
the rest of the year. Ifthe Plasters Union is listening, have but
(09:43):
abbats over walls thirty in the morning, hab It'll be back on a job.
Kind of out Castellia just jealous becausethe Ala and I are more popular
than you are. You're popular,certainly, haven't you noticed? Every week
when I come to the broadcast,there's a mob outside that grabs me and
asks me for my autograph. Curewhat happened? I'm asking? Do you
think it's worth it? What doyou mean? Is it worth it?
(10:03):
Dressing up every Thursday like Dinah Shoreright, you see Vo, he is
jealous of our popularity. Go ahead, the Yellow tell him how popular you
are. Well. I don't liketo brag, Costello, but I was
over at our koh yesterday and walkedon a set and Carrie Grant kissed me
three times. What that was overat MGM yesterday. I've been over the
(10:24):
time my shoe and last he lickedmy face? Costello, have you been
showing the Yellow around Hollywood the wayyou promised? Sure? I took it
a republic studios. All the cowboyswould add, din't we have fun villa?
Oh? Yes, Costello, hisshoe was funny when you ran in
a dark closet to play post officeand had cowboys. Shoved his horse in
(10:46):
with you, his horse. Thisis terrible. I'll see you later.
Where are you going? Oh?Where am I gone? I gotta go
over that corral and get back myfraternity pen. I'll get out of here
and stay out. Who hits it? Sound man? I like the I
(11:11):
like to fool around with the soundeffects. Every time I go there and
touch the stuff, he hits me. So yeah, he can't do that
to my partner. Come on,we're going over there. And what him.
Now, there's a sound effects thepartner, ebbitt, Go ahead,
fine, fool around with anything youlike. Thanks, hot whistles, anything,
(11:37):
make a train? Yeah, soyou're full around with my stuff again?
To me, it's gonna make something. I certainly him. What hap
it? If you don't stop pullingwith this guy's stuff, he's gonna knock
you up, brains out. Itis all my fault. Listen to you
(12:03):
from now on. I'll take careof myself. I can stand up for
my rights. Why don't you standfor your right? For that guy?
How would I left? Kept knockingme down. Let's go back there,
rabb. Somebody's writing us wrong.Let's go back there, rabbit. I'll
take care of you. I'm plentytough. Hare feel my muscle ahead and
feeling muscle, I can't tell withanything but a red corpsul Yeah, ain't
(12:24):
you got a hard head? Whoare you kids? None? The guy's
got muscle. I used to bea prize fighter. I was one of
the cleanest fighters in the ring.You should have you should have been there,
threw enough quarter on you. I'mthe guy can fight. I'm the
(12:45):
last guy I thought. I hithim so hard that the hold, uncle,
well, who are you fighting witha little left you, Tony?
I thought, so you you can'tfight and you can't act. In fact,
none of your family has any town. Just a minute, hop about
my cousin Vincent. He had agreat voice, but he could only sing
while taking a bath. He usedto wheelhim out of a station of a
bathtub. He seemed singwhile taking abath. But they fired him after his
(13:07):
first performance, right when the peoplestarted a plaud and he forgot himself with
stuff and took a bow. Whatis he doing now writing songs? You
should hear his new song? Hetook a little of bit from Irving Berlin,
a little from Cold Porter, alittle from Sigmund Lundberg? What did
he get three lawsuits? I forgetabout your cousin. Wait a minute,
(13:28):
what's all that meal doing in yourpockets? Hab it? That's my famail.
Everybody in the coutany is talking aboutmy great character, Sam Shovel.
Here I'll read one, dear littleCostello. I'm simply crazy about your Sam
Shovel de technic programs. Last week, as I sat listening to your show,
you were so thrilling I froze tomy seat I'm coming over to night
to see it. There's a guyout here to see your costello. What
does he look like. He's ashort man with a frozen seat. Come
(13:54):
on, jost All, let's getover the show. What is your Sam
Shovel case for tonight. It's oneof my smaller cases. I called it
the case of the sailor who wasshot while having headed Lamar and Lana turn
his pictures on his chest, orhe died with his buttes on found sinlessly.
Let's do it, okay, Now, the makers of Crummies, the
(14:20):
breakfast food that dares to be different, presents the adventures of Time Shovel private
detective. But first a word aboutour product crumbing. Crummies is the only
breakfast food that comes ready to serve. We put in the sugar, strawberries,
milk and cream right in the package. Look for it on your grocer's
shelf in the large soggy box andCrummies it's fine for the youngster. You
(14:46):
can safely feed Crummies to a twoyear old. Some of the well known
two year olds that eat Crummies arecitation on trust in Bazooka. Crummies is
the only breakfast food that is shotfrom cannon. So remember we're opening the
package. Stand back and friends.Mark my word, no cereal is as
(15:11):
good as crumming. You can putthat in your pipe and smoke it.
In fact, it tastes better ifyou put it in your pipe and store.
And now for the pot of adventuresof Pam Shovel, Riva Detective.
Yes, I'm Sam Shovel, SamShovel Private Detective. I don't feel so
(15:33):
good today. Last night my fraternityinvited me to a football dinner. That's
the last time I'll eat football fordinner. I'm kind of tired too.
I travel all night. I rodethe chief in from Alba Kirk. Next
time, I'm gonna take a trainride and piggyback on an Indiana's murder.
I was down there trying to geta conviction on one of my cases,
Maxie, the murderer blood. Hehad a clever lawyer. I charge him
(15:56):
with murder, but the jury whitewashed him. I charge him with Loshni,
but the jey white Washington, andI took him to a Turkish bath.
I had to get all that whitewashed. Often my correspondence is piled
up away while a lot. WhileI was away, I see a carbon
copy of the letter. I sentthe seasonal a buck for a fair of
handcuffs. It reads, send handcuffs. If good, we'll send check.
(16:22):
Then I pick up their answer,it reads send check. If good,
we'll send handcuffs. That reminds manBey get called on another case. I
think I'll clean my remington before Iput it back in my pocket. Someday
I'm gonna buy a gun. Iget tired carrying a typewriter in my pocket.
Suddenly I look up. There onthe wall of my office is an
oil painting. I bought it lastyear. It's pretty well. It's a
(16:45):
lot of trouble every day. Igot to oil it. I glanced across
the court. The beautiful sonographer theinsurance office is just coming to work.
She's punching the time clock. Clockpunched her back. I pick up a
morning paper. On the front page, it's a picture of John ell Lewis.
John el Lewis on the front page. I study his pace. I'm
(17:10):
trying to figure which I row asthe tony looks like another slow day for
the detective business. As I sithere in my little office, I'm unhappy.
I'm down on the dumps. WheneverI'm in this office. I feel
down on the dumps. That's notstrange. My office is located at the
dumps cross from my office as astationary store. There's no sign on it,
(17:33):
but I'm sure it's a stationary store. I've been watching it for two
years. It hasn't moved an inch. I just remember last week, my
pale Lieutenant Abit invited me to dinner. I must send his wife a bread
and butter. Note. That's asloppy job. There's nothing I hate worse
than writing on bread and butter.I glanced hot at the window in the
parking lot. They're getting ready tomove my car again to let another one
(17:56):
out. I hope the owner movesit, not the reckless attendant. Thank
goodness, the owner moved it.I noticed my pile Lieutenant Abbot on a
homicide squad coming this way. He'sa regular blood hound when he's after a
(18:18):
crooking a smell of trail. Fact, he smells any place one thing about.
Lieutenant Abberty speaks straight from the shoulder. He's got to that's where his
mouth is. Just then, LieutenantAbbot walks into the office. Hello,
same tuble, Damn. I justhad the most sensational lunch. What a
meal I ordered? Punk chops,bacon, fried ham, big knuckle,
(18:42):
Lieutenant Abbot, each he goes hogwhile man a cop has got to keep
his strength up. Sam, Iain't never know when I'll get in a
fight. Lieutenant abit is right.One thing I'll say for him. He
never ran away from a fight.He always takes a taxi a I'm I'm
happy today. I'm feeling pretty chipper. I'm really chipper. Lieutenant Abbott is
(19:04):
not lying. Nobody is chipper thanhe is. He's the chippest man I
ever met. He lives at theFiddle Hotel. It's a violin. The
rooms are up dollar a night,then up. If you get a room
for a dollar, you're up allnight. Am I right? Something movie
(19:25):
sound came from that bureau. Wecrossed the office of the bureau and started
opening the drawers. Here. Youwon't find me here. It's my viewer
of missing person speaking of a missingperson, Sam, what happened to that
cricket musician you were trailing? LieutenanAbbot was referring to Maddie Ben Joe Head
(19:48):
Malnick, the leader of one ofthe crookedest bands in this country. Sam,
How can you say that Maddie's boysare all artists? They must be
artists. I know they're not musicianLieutenant. When Maddie Benjo had moldly heard
I was after him, he tookit on the lamb. That was three
weeks ago. Hi is Sam Shovel, He's still on that lamb. Sam,
(20:11):
you gotta help me. That Bergmangang is prying to shake me down
for ten thousand dollars and I'm afraidI'll have to pay through the nose.
Why should you have to pay throughthe nose? That's where I keep my
money. What a clever crook thatmonch is. When he needs money,
he don't have to blow as safe. He just blows his nose. Just
(20:32):
look at it. I'd like tohave his nose full of Canadian Nichols.
All You'll have to get out ofhere, Sam and I are talking business.
I'll go, but first I wantto give Sam this batch of cookies
I baked for him. Here's Sam, they're your favorite kind policeman cookie Policeman
cookies. Sure, ain't you neverheard of copcakes? Everybody's got good writers,
(20:56):
but me. I want to haveto start paying next week. That
Malnik is a very clever boy.You ought to go over to the eagle
on me and put his head inwith the flat work. And never.
My name is Sam. Pay Lookwho's coming across the street. It's too
gun Gurdie, two gun Gurtie,the gorgeous gun moll. Once I asked
(21:17):
her to marry me, but sherefused. She's too class conscious. Gertie
is class conscious. I ain't gotno class and she's conscious of it.
As as I finished making this cleverremark, the door burst open and Gertie
entered my office. Sam, Sam, shovel my god, and ah,
Sam, you gotta help me.The cops are after me. They think
(21:38):
I'm hiding something. They think I'vegot it on me. You may have
it on you, but you sureain't hiding anything. Careful, Sam,
she's up to something. Damn.You gotta help me. If you do,
I'll be your slave, cooked foryou, hub wait for you,
(22:00):
I'll sew for you. Keep goinggirt, you're bonnet. It's something I
like a you're a cad, Sam, Come here, I'm gonna let you
kiss me. Sam show where areyour mannage? Where are your manage?
(22:21):
How dare you kiss this gun mollright before me. Wait your turn,
Lieutenant, I'll kiss you next.Sam, Sam, Why don't we start
going steady again? We could beso happy. Look out the window,
Sand see those two love birds andnet three. Why can't we be like
them and do what they're doing?Okay, but I don't think the branches
(22:42):
will hold us. Sam is ridiculous, You're like coping. She's a crook.
She's not for you. I keepout of this light foot. I'll
prove to Sam that I'm the girlfor him. I'll give him a kissing,
(23:03):
a buster buttons off his vest thati'd like to see. Come here,
Sam, Sam, Sam, Samshovel say something has any lady in
(23:26):
the audience got a needle a thread,
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