May 24, 2023 • 22 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:12):
Stop that yelling. Costele, comeover here. I need I need ten
thousand dollars in a hurry. Areyou loan them to me? I haven't
got that much? Well, howabout a thound? About thousand, one
thousand, Castella? When are yougoing to stop that laughing? When you
(00:33):
get down here? About three dollarsin the quarter. I should have known
better if you stopped chasing girls,you'd have money. All I don't chase
women have But I'm repulse up towomen, pulsor up to women who told
you that women? Haven't you everhad a real girl who? Oh,
yes, I have one sabboth.Her name was Mabel kumquat here old Mabel
(00:55):
kumb quote, sweet kids, Patterson. I was a salami sniper, a
salami sniper snipper, all right,so water well, the salamie snipper,
that's an endless chain of slammie wouldgo by me every twenty inches. I
would go, snip, snip gone. One day I looked up and there
(01:18):
stood in Mabel. I stood therelooking at her for fifteen minutes. And
what happened? Habit? Do youever see a salami two miles long?
And that was the side of yourromance. Boy, we're not. I
took it up. I took itup to phone mountain. Wait a minute,
there's no bun mountain and patterns habitwhen I take a girl up a
mountain to a mountain, it's everdid paying days? I slipped the ring
(01:48):
on a finger. I didn't havea ring, so I use a cigar
band. Where did you get thesigar band? Maybe happened to be smoking
a white all at the time.I was a white all. I can
smell of feathers. I's tell meyou could graduate with honors from an idiots
colleague. Thank you, professor.All right, custell, I'll stop that
(02:16):
yelling. Where have you been?I've been. I've been hiding hyen my
Christmas president. Have you furished withyour Christmas shopping route? No? No.
On the way down here, Istopped at Nancy's depottment store, and
boy was that place crowded, lotsof people. And but it was so
crowded. While I wasn't near,my belt broke and it was twenty minutes
before my pants fell down a littlething. I can't stand those women shoppers.
(02:39):
What's wrong with women shoppers? Well? I was standing fide an ocean
Connor. There was one woman.As she was turning everything bottom side up,
she where it was made. Shewas turning everything bottom side up,
Everything bottoms tided up. Roa walkerssaved me just in time. I never
mind that for all one before skipthat. Did you write your letter Santa
Clause? Yet I'm a litter ofsant again, I ain't gonna tell you.
(03:02):
Come on, did you or didyou not write a letter to Santa
Claus? Well, if you mustknow, I did, and I asked
him to bring me a new bicycle. But Santa Claus brought you a new
bicycle, a brand new bicycle twoyears ago. Yes, but but don't
you think I'm old enough now tohave a boy's bicycle. Hello, I
hate to interrupt your program, butI've got some bad news boys out with
(03:23):
it. Man, what is it? I mister Costello, Your uncle Tom
was just run over by a truckon Wilcham Boulevard. My uncle Tom was
run over bad truck. I'm WilterBoulevard. Thanks for telling me, Abbot,
you got a pencil? What doyou want with a pencil? I
want to cross Uncle Tom with myChristmas list? How can you say?
(03:46):
That costello. How can you beso hard wiz? Is there any love
in your family around Christmas time?Oh? Sure? Our family all love
each other. Last Christmas, myaunt may give my uncle Michael broken arm
for Christmas? That I'm broken armYep, what kind of a Christmas present
is that? After she broke asshe wrapped it up as a gift.
I'll bet your house is a pleasantplace around christ Fire you shipping there last
year? And I'm an called uncleJim, I know good? And aunt
(04:09):
may hit her over the head,hit her over the head of the box.
Then my uncle, my uncle hitmy foot a pad over the head
with a cane. Buttom chairing andUncle Tom hit my cousin Vincent with the
umbrella stand and my sister Marie firedthree shots at my sister in law.
What happened? Well, before youknew it, an argument started. Well,
(04:29):
I want to tell us something habit. Speaking of arguments, what are
you going to get your wife forChristmas? Well? I gave her some
money. She wanted to buy herselfa new cross. Lovely, yes,
but she can't seem to find onethat will kill her budget. She's so
fat nothing would fit her budget.Can tell her. My wife is just
pleasantly plump. She's not. Thatreminds me of my sister would like to
borrow one of your wife stocks tohang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve?
(04:49):
What does she want with one ofmy wife's stocking? She's expecting a grand
piano. I ain't trying to insinuatedmy wife Betty is fat? Well did
you ever see her in a bathingsuits? Repulsive? Is it? I?
Wait a minute, Wait a minute? Who put that in this script?
(05:10):
Told you, Abbitt, you shouldhave bought those writers presents. Did
you? Did you buy the presents? No? But I asked them what
they wanted, and they said tome, Louis you know we like best,
yo, just go out and getit, wrap it up, put
on the Christmas tree. Well,but why do you do it, abbic,
You can't wrap up a sloan.Well, if you didn't get the
(05:30):
writers anything, you should at leastbought their wives something. I did have
it. I gave each one ofthem a corse eji No, not corseg
corse. That's corsage fell. Thatage is pronounced like odd as in corsages
are our garage. Now where didyou get a man who picks up the
garbage. Well, I gotta gonow, I gotta do some chopping for
(05:58):
Louie be mayor. He wants meto get a box, and you're gonna
get into Michael Brian for Christmas.I'll wait a minute. Why we don't
want to get Michael to Brian abouttogs for Christmas? He wants to stunt
our growth? All right, Costello, that dinnet. Now I'm gonna tell
you what I think. You're thelousiest committee on the radio. You tell
her Woice jokes on you, andfurthermore, my brother, I wouldn't come
(06:20):
to see your show again if yougave me a million dollars. You stink
und a good, loud, toughguy. Eh. Do you want to
step outside and say that? Right? Man, I'll step outside and say
(06:41):
it. Why, well, there'sa lot of people out there in front.
They couldn't get in the studio.Maybe they'd like to hear it too.
That's what I thought. You're ayellow rat, yellow rat? That
didnt I'm not taking that sitting down? Oh you're not? Eh? He
got me Evan, where'd you getyour Costello? As I said before,
I'm not taking this sitting down helloboy, Hey, look cos tell us
(07:09):
our secretary, the ol On Costello. I didn't expect to see you here
tonight. I thought you'd be upat the North Pole looking for Santa Claude.
I still call up there. Myuncle Jim moved up there to the
North Pole. Last I heard him, he was keeping company with a girl
polar bear, and he was goingto get married to a girl polar bear.
What stopped him? Her parents objected, If I remember right to uncle
(07:30):
Jim took your cousin, Vincent,and we'll ask you with him. Yes.
And one day Vincent was fishing forwhales. He hooked one and started
to pull on his line. Thenthe whale pulling, Vincent pulling the whale
pole. Whereas Vincent now, Idon't know, but every time I get
a postcard from him, he sendsregards from Jonah Yo, he look so
pretty well, don't you an?I stept them out together after the show.
I'm in a game room tonight.I'm heving my old Yes, abbot,
(07:53):
have you been out to lunch withtrigger again? There's no reason why
Viola shouldn't go out with me.I'm a regular ladies man. Why women
throw themselves at my feet. Idon't blame him anything. You're gonna leave
in that face, castellas my turnto go out with Viola. Why you've
been over to our house five nightsrunning? Oh no, mister Abbott,
(08:15):
only four nights running. Last night. My father didn't chase him. Oh
look, there's no use in youboys fighting over me. I want to
find a big, strong, robust, romantic man. How about me?
Okay, you can help me.Look, Castella, I don't blame Viola
(08:35):
for not wanting to go out withyou. You're fat, you're ugly.
Your front tooth is missing. Ohno it's not. I gotta right here
in my pocket. Costella, Honey, what are you gonna get me for
Christmas? You know I need anew car, a new car. Well
well, Castella, as soon asa new new car prices come down to
them, maybe you can get hera new car. I don't think so,
(08:56):
Abbot. I went to a dealeryesterday and I said, hold of
people before I can get a newcar for nine hundred dollars. He fought
my post and says, you'll evermake it all forget about the Allo.
We've got a lot of people onthis show. We've got to get them
Christmas presents. Come on, let'sgo across the streets of the department store.
(09:24):
Jesus Sores stroller to look over there. It's our band leader, Mattie
Malni. Hi, you fellas.I'm looking to buy some records Costello.
Do you know where the music departmentis? No? I don't. Will
you take the down this aisle ofthe escalator, then you take the escalator
the next four, then you gotowards the front of the store. A
minute, wait a minute, youasked me. I asked you what how
to get to the music department?Will you get down this sile to the
(09:45):
escalator? Come on, I'll getout of here. Mattie Monnick. I'll
look as some musician he just don'tgive a tooth, looks Gostella. There's
tent' claus and the toy department.Hey, come on, come on,
anybody I want to talk to him? Are you Sandy? Oh? Yes,
I'm Santa Claus. Yes, thisold man. Oh, what's the
(10:09):
idea of kicking me in the land. That's the last here, that's no
way away. Santa Claus is hereto find out what you want for Christmas.
Ahead and tell them what you wantfor Christmas, San Claus, I
wish that Christmas morning I could findme to hey with him my stock.
With those fat legs of yours,you'd have penny room for the Andrews sisters.
(10:35):
Santa Claus, that was pretty good. Oh it's nothing. I tell
those jokes all the time under thenorth Pole. What's your straight? Man?
A penguin want to trade? Oh? I don't want to trade.
I'm too fond of this penguin.I keep him in a bottle of ink.
Oh, a fountain penguin cost Justget it hard. He craves affection.
(11:05):
The thing for you to do ismother him. Oh, well that's
different. Here here, come on, get upon my knees. That boy,
Oh, put your hand under mybeard. No, I've got you,
(11:26):
Sana Cloaclous. What are you doing? I told you her mother?
I'm oh, I thought you saida very goodful summer song by hot Winters.
Have it. My brother Pat justtold me some wonderful lose. Tomorrow
(11:48):
he starts playing with the girls andfilter the twenty sharks. What the instrument
will he play? No instrument,He's just gonna play with the girls.
I thought your brother was a musicshot he's a singer. He's seems just
like Nelson Eddie. Does he singyou short and Bread? Well he could,
but the places he sings and areso small and narrow he can't sing
Shorten and Bread. He's got tosing right, Chris. I'll never mind
(12:11):
that. What are you doing withthat newspaper? I want to show what
he happened my Sam Shovel Defectives hereis it's becoming so popular the newspapers have
taken it off the radio page andput in the front page. Look really,
man, I don't see it onthe front page. Here it is
there. It is under crimes committedin Los Angeles today. And besides that,
I'm getting more fan mail than ever. Listen to this one, Dear
(12:31):
Luke Coustle, If you're Sam ShovelDetectives, here is not the funniest problem
on the year than I'm not thenext President of the United States. Who's
it from? Tom Dewey? Nevermind that? What is your Sam Shovel
detective mystery for the night. It'sone of my latest cases, habit.
I call it the case of Clarencethe dress designer who gave himself up to
the police. Or I'm all yoursand buttons and boats. I'm all of
(12:56):
the further adventures of Sam Shuttle rightat de check. Yes, I'm Sam
Shovel. Tam Shovel privately take him. Sitting here in my little office,
(13:16):
it's mighty Chillian here. I thinkI'll throw another log on the fire.
Every time I build a log firein my office, the landlord complains,
maybe it's because I have no Fireplease. I pick up the newspaper. I
drop it on my desk. Itwas the mirror. I read the one
(13:43):
as woman who washes Mondays and Tuesdaysonce place to hang out on Wednesdays.
Here's another one wanted man to teachnuclear division of atomic as to physical cyclotronic
fissures. No experience necessary. Iglanced out of my window to see what's
(14:05):
playing in the movie across the street. Boston must be that new picture.
The cry of the city. Nextdoor to the movie is a Hollywood nightclub.
Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor somuch the bartenders have to have a
barber's license. In the winter,they have to put alcohol in a whiskey
(14:31):
to keep it from freezing. Iremember once my pile Lieutenant a beat of
the homicide spot was so discussed thathe wanted that joint to drink himself to
death. He didn't get drunk,but there was so much water in a
whisky he nearly drowned. Suddenly thephone ring, Damn shovel speaking, damn
(14:54):
shoving her on a fucking rising itself. You've gotta play far with us.
Who are you, Celia football team? We'll play anybody. One line went
south. I look out the windowagain. Crowds, nothing but crowds.
(15:18):
Everybody doing the last minute Christmas shop. And the crowds give me an idea.
I'm gonna write to my congressman.Haven't changed Christmas to April. The
stars aren't so crowded. Then inthe crowd, I see my powle.
Lieutenant Abbot's the cheapest guy in theworld all year round. When Christmas comes,
he'd give you the shirt off hisback. I know last year for
Christmas he gave me a dirty shirt. Gotenant. Abbot is a great detective.
(15:43):
He worked on the moral case andin two days he had it sewed
up. And he got the merrycase. And it only took him three
days to show that up. Thencame the famous Lewis case. He sewed
it up in twenty four hours.He never carried a gun, just a
stone machine and three extra bobbins allout, Sam shovel Sam Tomorrow's Christmas even.
(16:06):
I dropped in and find out whatdo you want for Christmas? Well?
I live just a stones throw fromhead of Lamar's house, and my
bedroom windows just a stones throw fromher window. What do you want for
Christmas? Man Stone, little tennant? Why don't you send me some muscle
toe so I can kiss the girlsunder it. That's not musclete, that's
missiletoe. Missile not muscle. WhenI want to kiss a girl, I
(16:27):
gotta use muscle. Damn. Iwant you to help me on a job.
I've been assigned to guard at thedepartment store during the Christmas rush.
I got at the Broadway Hollywood storelast Christmas. I put a man on
the fifth Street door, a manon a Broadway door, a man on
a Sixth Street door. I'll gimme out. They didn't lose a single
(16:48):
door. All the windows were stolen. Come on, Sam, We're going
down to the store right now.Damn is a big star. They tell
anything from sale bolts to a pomerpecan. I see they got everything from
(17:11):
sloop to nuts. Gentlemen, you'llhave to go to work right away.
The shoplifters are stealing everything in Aislenine. Where is Ile nine? Well,
this is i'le set them. That'slaid. And how do you like
that they stole Ile nine? Ilike this job. Tell you who is
that gorgeous girl behind the crowded counter. That's miss fair Child. She works
(17:34):
in lady slippers. Beautiful. Whatelse does she do? She just works
in lady slippers, that's all.Look that kid, he just stole a
pair of roller skates. I'll gethim. Did it go? I'll teach
(17:56):
you to steal. I'm going toknock you up, little tenant. I'll
take charge of this case. You'llkeep your eye on the store. Come
with me, son, take jail. I didn't have the heart to take
that kid to jail. He didn'tlook like a bad kid. He was
poorly dressed. His face was dirty, but I could still see some of
(18:18):
his freckles. His name was Johnny. I took him to my little office
and set him down in a chair. I could see he was scared,
plenty scared gives dishovel. I don'twant to go to jail. No,
I don't want you to go tojail's son. That's why I brought you
here. Those were plenty of expensiveroller skates you took off the counter that
store, Johnny. W I'm nottalking about the cost and money, Johnny.
(18:45):
It's the cost and shame and disgracenot only to you, but to
your mom and your dad. Inever thought about that mom and dad.
That's the trouble with doing the wrongthing, Johnny. Most time it hurts,
so is more than a guy thatdoes it. See, you're a
funny guy. You're supposed to bea detective, a cop. Me and
(19:07):
the kids in my neighborhood, weain't got no use for coppers. But
see, I kind of like you. You don't talk like no cop.
You're more like a well a friend, Johnny. Cops aren't bad guys.
Every coup on a force wants tobe the friends with every kid on his
(19:29):
beat. When a kid is introuble, if he'd run to a cup
instead of away from him, he'dfind out that cops are pretty regular fellows.
You see, Johnny, you're akid and I'm a cop. But
lucky for us, we're both livingin a wonderful country, a country that's
interested in the welfare of his children. All police know that no kid wants
to be bad. It's just badenvironment, neglect on the part of parents,
(19:49):
lack of love and understanding that makesa kid go wrong. Yeah,
and are you sure that all copsis my friends? All coups? Johnny?
Hh, there you are even here? Even him? I don't know
what it's all about him. Arethey gonna get this kid to the lock
(20:10):
up? It is Christmas? EvenI gotta you gotta get a little of
a Christmas spared, Lieutenant. Ithink Johnny's very sorry for what he did.
He'll never do it again. Well, you try to get away from
me. He ran from the law. That's a sign of guilt. Honest.
I won't never do it again.I promise I won't. Size Lieutenant.
I think I've made Johnny understand thecop starts friend. Yeah, Johnny,
(20:32):
you know the cops are a kid'sbest friend. You you really learned
something. Yeah, Well, there'sonly one thing that puzzles me. What
is it, Johnny? Well,we'll have it's a company. Well,
how could a guy with a facelike that be any kind of a cop,
Johnny, Johnny, it's Christmas Eve. Listen. Well, it's Christmas
(21:07):
Eve again. I promised my wifei'd be I'd be in church saying,
my friends singing him, And hereI am in this broken down You don't
have to be in church for that, lieutenant. How about it, Johnny?
Know the words to that song.You're a ripping soon, Johnny,
Let's try it. Huh, whatdo you say, friend,
Stop that yelling. Costele, comeover here. I need I need ten
thousand dollars in a hurry. Areyou loan them to me? I haven't
got that much? Well, howabout a thound? About thousand, one
thousand, Castella? When are yougoing to stop that laughing? When you
(00:33):
get down here? About three dollarsin the quarter. I should have known
better if you stopped chasing girls,you'd have money. All I don't chase
women have But I'm repulse up towomen, pulsor up to women who told
you that women? Haven't you everhad a real girl who? Oh,
yes, I have one sabboth.Her name was Mabel kumquat here old Mabel
(00:55):
kumb quote, sweet kids, Patterson. I was a salami sniper, a
salami sniper snipper, all right,so water well, the salamie snipper,
that's an endless chain of slammie wouldgo by me every twenty inches. I
would go, snip, snip gone. One day I looked up and there
(01:18):
stood in Mabel. I stood therelooking at her for fifteen minutes. And
what happened? Habit? Do youever see a salami two miles long?
And that was the side of yourromance. Boy, we're not. I
took it up. I took itup to phone mountain. Wait a minute,
there's no bun mountain and patterns habitwhen I take a girl up a
mountain to a mountain, it's everdid paying days? I slipped the ring
(01:48):
on a finger. I didn't havea ring, so I use a cigar
band. Where did you get thesigar band? Maybe happened to be smoking
a white all at the time.I was a white all. I can
smell of feathers. I's tell meyou could graduate with honors from an idiots
colleague. Thank you, professor.All right, custell, I'll stop that
(02:16):
yelling. Where have you been?I've been. I've been hiding hyen my
Christmas president. Have you furished withyour Christmas shopping route? No? No.
On the way down here, Istopped at Nancy's depottment store, and
boy was that place crowded, lotsof people. And but it was so
crowded. While I wasn't near,my belt broke and it was twenty minutes
before my pants fell down a littlething. I can't stand those women shoppers.
(02:39):
What's wrong with women shoppers? Well? I was standing fide an ocean
Connor. There was one woman.As she was turning everything bottom side up,
she where it was made. Shewas turning everything bottom side up,
Everything bottoms tided up. Roa walkerssaved me just in time. I never
mind that for all one before skipthat. Did you write your letter Santa
Clause? Yet I'm a litter ofsant again, I ain't gonna tell you.
(03:02):
Come on, did you or didyou not write a letter to Santa
Claus? Well, if you mustknow, I did, and I asked
him to bring me a new bicycle. But Santa Claus brought you a new
bicycle, a brand new bicycle twoyears ago. Yes, but but don't
you think I'm old enough now tohave a boy's bicycle. Hello, I
hate to interrupt your program, butI've got some bad news boys out with
(03:23):
it. Man, what is it? I mister Costello, Your uncle Tom
was just run over by a truckon Wilcham Boulevard. My uncle Tom was
run over bad truck. I'm WilterBoulevard. Thanks for telling me, Abbot,
you got a pencil? What doyou want with a pencil? I
want to cross Uncle Tom with myChristmas list? How can you say?
(03:46):
That costello. How can you beso hard wiz? Is there any love
in your family around Christmas time?Oh? Sure? Our family all love
each other. Last Christmas, myaunt may give my uncle Michael broken arm
for Christmas? That I'm broken armYep, what kind of a Christmas present
is that? After she broke asshe wrapped it up as a gift.
I'll bet your house is a pleasantplace around christ Fire you shipping there last
year? And I'm an called uncleJim, I know good? And aunt
(04:09):
may hit her over the head,hit her over the head of the box.
Then my uncle, my uncle hitmy foot a pad over the head
with a cane. Buttom chairing andUncle Tom hit my cousin Vincent with the
umbrella stand and my sister Marie firedthree shots at my sister in law.
What happened? Well, before youknew it, an argument started. Well,
(04:29):
I want to tell us something habit. Speaking of arguments, what are
you going to get your wife forChristmas? Well? I gave her some
money. She wanted to buy herselfa new cross. Lovely, yes,
but she can't seem to find onethat will kill her budget. She's so
fat nothing would fit her budget.Can tell her. My wife is just
pleasantly plump. She's not. Thatreminds me of my sister would like to
borrow one of your wife stocks tohang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve?
(04:49):
What does she want with one ofmy wife's stocking? She's expecting a grand
piano. I ain't trying to insinuatedmy wife Betty is fat? Well did
you ever see her in a bathingsuits? Repulsive? Is it? I?
Wait a minute, Wait a minute? Who put that in this script?
(05:10):
Told you, Abbitt, you shouldhave bought those writers presents. Did
you? Did you buy the presents? No? But I asked them what
they wanted, and they said tome, Louis you know we like best,
yo, just go out and getit, wrap it up, put
on the Christmas tree. Well,but why do you do it, abbic,
You can't wrap up a sloan.Well, if you didn't get the
(05:30):
writers anything, you should at leastbought their wives something. I did have
it. I gave each one ofthem a corse eji No, not corseg
corse. That's corsage fell. Thatage is pronounced like odd as in corsages
are our garage. Now where didyou get a man who picks up the
garbage. Well, I gotta gonow, I gotta do some chopping for
(05:58):
Louie be mayor. He wants meto get a box, and you're gonna
get into Michael Brian for Christmas.I'll wait a minute. Why we don't
want to get Michael to Brian abouttogs for Christmas? He wants to stunt
our growth? All right, Costello, that dinnet. Now I'm gonna tell
you what I think. You're thelousiest committee on the radio. You tell
her Woice jokes on you, andfurthermore, my brother, I wouldn't come
(06:20):
to see your show again if yougave me a million dollars. You stink
und a good, loud, toughguy. Eh. Do you want to
step outside and say that? Right? Man, I'll step outside and say
(06:41):
it. Why, well, there'sa lot of people out there in front.
They couldn't get in the studio.Maybe they'd like to hear it too.
That's what I thought. You're ayellow rat, yellow rat? That
didnt I'm not taking that sitting down? Oh you're not? Eh? He
got me Evan, where'd you getyour Costello? As I said before,
I'm not taking this sitting down helloboy, Hey, look cos tell us
(07:09):
our secretary, the ol On Costello. I didn't expect to see you here
tonight. I thought you'd be upat the North Pole looking for Santa Claude.
I still call up there. Myuncle Jim moved up there to the
North Pole. Last I heard him, he was keeping company with a girl
polar bear, and he was goingto get married to a girl polar bear.
What stopped him? Her parents objected, If I remember right to uncle
(07:30):
Jim took your cousin, Vincent,and we'll ask you with him. Yes.
And one day Vincent was fishing forwhales. He hooked one and started
to pull on his line. Thenthe whale pulling, Vincent pulling the whale
pole. Whereas Vincent now, Idon't know, but every time I get
a postcard from him, he sendsregards from Jonah Yo, he look so
pretty well, don't you an?I stept them out together after the show.
I'm in a game room tonight.I'm heving my old Yes, abbot,
(07:53):
have you been out to lunch withtrigger again? There's no reason why
Viola shouldn't go out with me.I'm a regular ladies man. Why women
throw themselves at my feet. Idon't blame him anything. You're gonna leave
in that face, castellas my turnto go out with Viola. Why you've
been over to our house five nightsrunning? Oh no, mister Abbott,
(08:15):
only four nights running. Last night. My father didn't chase him. Oh
look, there's no use in youboys fighting over me. I want to
find a big, strong, robust, romantic man. How about me?
Okay, you can help me.Look, Castella, I don't blame Viola
(08:35):
for not wanting to go out withyou. You're fat, you're ugly.
Your front tooth is missing. Ohno it's not. I gotta right here
in my pocket. Costella, Honey, what are you gonna get me for
Christmas? You know I need anew car, a new car. Well
well, Castella, as soon asa new new car prices come down to
them, maybe you can get hera new car. I don't think so,
(08:56):
Abbot. I went to a dealeryesterday and I said, hold of
people before I can get a newcar for nine hundred dollars. He fought
my post and says, you'll evermake it all forget about the Allo.
We've got a lot of people onthis show. We've got to get them
Christmas presents. Come on, let'sgo across the streets of the department store.
(09:24):
Jesus Sores stroller to look over there. It's our band leader, Mattie
Malni. Hi, you fellas.I'm looking to buy some records Costello.
Do you know where the music departmentis? No? I don't. Will
you take the down this aisle ofthe escalator, then you take the escalator
the next four, then you gotowards the front of the store. A
minute, wait a minute, youasked me. I asked you what how
to get to the music department?Will you get down this sile to the
(09:45):
escalator? Come on, I'll getout of here. Mattie Monnick. I'll
look as some musician he just don'tgive a tooth, looks Gostella. There's
tent' claus and the toy department.Hey, come on, come on,
anybody I want to talk to him? Are you Sandy? Oh? Yes,
I'm Santa Claus. Yes, thisold man. Oh, what's the
(10:09):
idea of kicking me in the land. That's the last here, that's no
way away. Santa Claus is hereto find out what you want for Christmas.
Ahead and tell them what you wantfor Christmas, San Claus, I
wish that Christmas morning I could findme to hey with him my stock.
With those fat legs of yours,you'd have penny room for the Andrews sisters.
(10:35):
Santa Claus, that was pretty good. Oh it's nothing. I tell
those jokes all the time under thenorth Pole. What's your straight? Man?
A penguin want to trade? Oh? I don't want to trade.
I'm too fond of this penguin.I keep him in a bottle of ink.
Oh, a fountain penguin cost Justget it hard. He craves affection.
(11:05):
The thing for you to do ismother him. Oh, well that's
different. Here here, come on, get upon my knees. That boy,
Oh, put your hand under mybeard. No, I've got you,
(11:26):
Sana Cloaclous. What are you doing? I told you her mother?
I'm oh, I thought you saida very goodful summer song by hot Winters.
Have it. My brother Pat justtold me some wonderful lose. Tomorrow
(11:48):
he starts playing with the girls andfilter the twenty sharks. What the instrument
will he play? No instrument,He's just gonna play with the girls.
I thought your brother was a musicshot he's a singer. He's seems just
like Nelson Eddie. Does he singyou short and Bread? Well he could,
but the places he sings and areso small and narrow he can't sing
Shorten and Bread. He's got tosing right, Chris. I'll never mind
(12:11):
that. What are you doing withthat newspaper? I want to show what
he happened my Sam Shovel Defectives hereis it's becoming so popular the newspapers have
taken it off the radio page andput in the front page. Look really,
man, I don't see it onthe front page. Here it is
there. It is under crimes committedin Los Angeles today. And besides that,
I'm getting more fan mail than ever. Listen to this one, Dear
(12:31):
Luke Coustle, If you're Sam ShovelDetectives, here is not the funniest problem
on the year than I'm not thenext President of the United States. Who's
it from? Tom Dewey? Nevermind that? What is your Sam Shovel
detective mystery for the night. It'sone of my latest cases, habit.
I call it the case of Clarencethe dress designer who gave himself up to
the police. Or I'm all yoursand buttons and boats. I'm all of
(12:56):
the further adventures of Sam Shuttle rightat de check. Yes, I'm Sam
Shovel. Tam Shovel privately take him. Sitting here in my little office,
(13:16):
it's mighty Chillian here. I thinkI'll throw another log on the fire.
Every time I build a log firein my office, the landlord complains,
maybe it's because I have no Fireplease. I pick up the newspaper. I
drop it on my desk. Itwas the mirror. I read the one
(13:43):
as woman who washes Mondays and Tuesdaysonce place to hang out on Wednesdays.
Here's another one wanted man to teachnuclear division of atomic as to physical cyclotronic
fissures. No experience necessary. Iglanced out of my window to see what's
(14:05):
playing in the movie across the street. Boston must be that new picture.
The cry of the city. Nextdoor to the movie is a Hollywood nightclub.
Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor somuch the bartenders have to have a
barber's license. In the winter,they have to put alcohol in a whiskey
(14:31):
to keep it from freezing. Iremember once my pile Lieutenant a beat of
the homicide spot was so discussed thathe wanted that joint to drink himself to
death. He didn't get drunk,but there was so much water in a
whisky he nearly drowned. Suddenly thephone ring, Damn shovel speaking, damn
(14:54):
shoving her on a fucking rising itself. You've gotta play far with us.
Who are you, Celia football team? We'll play anybody. One line went
south. I look out the windowagain. Crowds, nothing but crowds.
(15:18):
Everybody doing the last minute Christmas shop. And the crowds give me an idea.
I'm gonna write to my congressman.Haven't changed Christmas to April. The
stars aren't so crowded. Then inthe crowd, I see my powle.
Lieutenant Abbot's the cheapest guy in theworld all year round. When Christmas comes,
he'd give you the shirt off hisback. I know last year for
Christmas he gave me a dirty shirt. Gotenant. Abbot is a great detective.
(15:43):
He worked on the moral case andin two days he had it sewed
up. And he got the merrycase. And it only took him three
days to show that up. Thencame the famous Lewis case. He sewed
it up in twenty four hours.He never carried a gun, just a
stone machine and three extra bobbins allout, Sam shovel Sam Tomorrow's Christmas even.
(16:06):
I dropped in and find out whatdo you want for Christmas? Well?
I live just a stones throw fromhead of Lamar's house, and my
bedroom windows just a stones throw fromher window. What do you want for
Christmas? Man Stone, little tennant? Why don't you send me some muscle
toe so I can kiss the girlsunder it. That's not musclete, that's
missiletoe. Missile not muscle. WhenI want to kiss a girl, I
(16:27):
gotta use muscle. Damn. Iwant you to help me on a job.
I've been assigned to guard at thedepartment store during the Christmas rush.
I got at the Broadway Hollywood storelast Christmas. I put a man on
the fifth Street door, a manon a Broadway door, a man on
a Sixth Street door. I'll gimme out. They didn't lose a single
(16:48):
door. All the windows were stolen. Come on, Sam, We're going
down to the store right now.Damn is a big star. They tell
anything from sale bolts to a pomerpecan. I see they got everything from
(17:11):
sloop to nuts. Gentlemen, you'llhave to go to work right away.
The shoplifters are stealing everything in Aislenine. Where is Ile nine? Well,
this is i'le set them. That'slaid. And how do you like
that they stole Ile nine? Ilike this job. Tell you who is
that gorgeous girl behind the crowded counter. That's miss fair Child. She works
(17:34):
in lady slippers. Beautiful. Whatelse does she do? She just works
in lady slippers, that's all.Look that kid, he just stole a
pair of roller skates. I'll gethim. Did it go? I'll teach
(17:56):
you to steal. I'm going toknock you up, little tenant. I'll
take charge of this case. You'llkeep your eye on the store. Come
with me, son, take jail. I didn't have the heart to take
that kid to jail. He didn'tlook like a bad kid. He was
poorly dressed. His face was dirty, but I could still see some of
(18:18):
his freckles. His name was Johnny. I took him to my little office
and set him down in a chair. I could see he was scared,
plenty scared gives dishovel. I don'twant to go to jail. No,
I don't want you to go tojail's son. That's why I brought you
here. Those were plenty of expensiveroller skates you took off the counter that
store, Johnny. W I'm nottalking about the cost and money, Johnny.
(18:45):
It's the cost and shame and disgracenot only to you, but to
your mom and your dad. Inever thought about that mom and dad.
That's the trouble with doing the wrongthing, Johnny. Most time it hurts,
so is more than a guy thatdoes it. See, you're a
funny guy. You're supposed to bea detective, a cop. Me and
(19:07):
the kids in my neighborhood, weain't got no use for coppers. But
see, I kind of like you. You don't talk like no cop.
You're more like a well a friend, Johnny. Cops aren't bad guys.
Every coup on a force wants tobe the friends with every kid on his
(19:29):
beat. When a kid is introuble, if he'd run to a cup
instead of away from him, he'dfind out that cops are pretty regular fellows.
You see, Johnny, you're akid and I'm a cop. But
lucky for us, we're both livingin a wonderful country, a country that's
interested in the welfare of his children. All police know that no kid wants
to be bad. It's just badenvironment, neglect on the part of parents,
(19:49):
lack of love and understanding that makesa kid go wrong. Yeah,
and are you sure that all copsis my friends? All coups? Johnny?
Hh, there you are even here? Even him? I don't know
what it's all about him. Arethey gonna get this kid to the lock
(20:10):
up? It is Christmas? EvenI gotta you gotta get a little of
a Christmas spared, Lieutenant. Ithink Johnny's very sorry for what he did.
He'll never do it again. Well, you try to get away from
me. He ran from the law. That's a sign of guilt. Honest.
I won't never do it again.I promise I won't. Size Lieutenant.
I think I've made Johnny understand thecop starts friend. Yeah, Johnny,
(20:32):
you know the cops are a kid'sbest friend. You you really learned
something. Yeah, Well, there'sonly one thing that puzzles me. What
is it, Johnny? Well,we'll have it's a company. Well,
how could a guy with a facelike that be any kind of a cop,
Johnny, Johnny, it's Christmas Eve. Listen. Well, it's Christmas
(21:07):
Eve again. I promised my wifei'd be I'd be in church saying,
my friends singing him, And hereI am in this broken down You don't
have to be in church for that, lieutenant. How about it, Johnny?
Know the words to that song.You're a ripping soon, Johnny,
Let's try it. Huh, whatdo you say, friend,
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