May 24, 2023 • 23 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
We have it in Costello show.We're using transcribing. Holly, what for?
You're listening and laughing pleasure with chuckleswith a carload music by Mattie Melvy.
So hold on your chairs, Claus, what aplan? Who Costello?
(00:23):
Alright? Alright, alright, alright? What's all the excitement above? What?
What? What? What happened?Louke? Well, lcome Mike Distiller
goal on his drinking Well, goodfor uncle Mike. Yeah, he's sending
to you or for some Englishman withshrevel He's sending for Englishman with shrevels.
Look far. He figures England wouldwant to part the goal sooner or later,
and they might just as welcome overhere and hope to get up all
(00:50):
that's face of Costeller. Your uncleMike is a moron. Oh no,
he's not. He's gonna be agreat side to some day. Right now.
He's working on a new insecticide.He is. Yes, last week
he got out of his note bookand locked himself in this laboratory with ten
thousan mosquitoes. He released the mosquitiesand was going to write down the mosquitoes
behavior. And what did he write? Nothing? He was so busy stretching
(01:11):
even have time to write it.Just as I thought. He's as big
as men can poop as you No, he's not right now, he's crossing
a rubber plant with a banana.What does he expect to get a girdle
you can slide into? You're outyour home? Family? Are jerks?
(01:34):
Find the way? Why was thatsilly looking thing on the ruddy end of
your car this afternoon? Well,you see, I can't afford the radio
to cats, so I trained mylittle dog to sit on the radio.
Your your dog sits on the radio? Does he bark much? Only when
it boils over? Well, I'mgonna leave you now. I gotta tell
(02:00):
him a babysitting you? A babyshould sit here? Baby shit is a
girl? Well? How strong wasa man? My uncle Jim Kelly was
a sitner. He isn't around anymore, though he isn't What happened while he
was sitting in the warden? Pulleda switch or get him out? Hadn't
(02:23):
gonna be much more about terramic happened? He got Kelly? You're more in
a few seconds? Hey, whylove you? Maybe should take it?
(03:42):
What are you so excited about?Calm down? What's the matter. I'm
worried about it. What do youmean my aunt is in terrible shape?
Well, what's the matter with her? She's got hallucinations. She thinks she's
a taxicab. She thinks she's ataxicab. Yeah, why does her Uncle
Mike call it doctor? Why shouldhe? She gets him to work fast
in the Sunset bus. How longUncle Mike and ant May been married,
(04:06):
lou, Well, it's just twentyyears since they went on a honeymoon.
Aunt Mary went to Niagara Falls andUncle Mike went to Miami. Wait a
minute, do you mean they weren'ttogether on their honeymoon. Uncle Mike said
that the honeymoon, it's the happiesttime of your life. And while it
marriage spoiler, Well, it's wonderfulthings that you're your aunt man, your
uncle Mike have been married for twentyyears? Yeah, yeah, but really
(04:29):
have it? What's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike? Plus, she loved
them, But for the whole twentyyears she hated them, hated them,
Mike poison. And now they haveseventeen children. Wait a minute, she
hated them. Why did they haveseventeen children? Well, it was her
idea. She was just trying tolose them in the crowd. That they
(04:50):
mean doing lou Well, she'd beathim up all the time he wasn't married,
if it wasn't for the children.The children, Yeah, they beat
him too. He must just reallyheading bag. Yes, she tried to
keep in the house every night,telledy. When he started to take us
bed, she puts six boxes ofyellow on the top, so he gets
stuck. Luckily it was radberry andhe ate his way out. I don't
(05:17):
have a very happy homelike, dothey love? No? No? Sturday
nine, Uncle Mike played pinochle allafternoon and when he came home at six
o'clock there was no dinner on thetable. Where was your ant mate down
at the bowling? Allege? She'sdown there seven days a week. Well
that's a shame. Yeah, UncleMike should have never got her that job
sitting pins, wasn't her? UncleMike married once before? Yeah, but
(05:39):
his first wife passed away. Nowthat's too bad. Uncle Mike had such
a tough time collecting the insurance thatsometimes he almost wishes she hasn't died.
What was sure Uncle Mike do beforehe got married? Loose? Well,
he was quite a Romeo ebb fortwo years. He carried a torch for
a girl in Pennsylvania. He carrieda torch for a girl in Pennsylvania.
He was a coal miner, andit gets pretty dark for those tunnels.
(06:00):
Didn't he ever work for a living? Sure? He had a job in
a canned soup factory. He wasin the chicken soup division. He was
a dragger. I wait a minute. One of the duties of a dragger
and a canned soup factory very simple. When a one thousand gallon tank a
hot water was ready, he'd draggeda chicken through it. Ma's no one
of your aunt name Pikes with uncleMike. Yeah, you should have seen
(06:23):
him May Sunday night, Abbot.She was so mad at Mike that she
said she was going to pack uswho cases leaving forever. Now he's really
worried, he is. Yep,she even started the packers who cases yet.
Piker isn't a bad looking guy,But I can't see what he ever
saw near aunt me. He wasvery popular in Patterson when she was a
young girl. She was Yes.The Pattison Electric and Power Company voted her
(06:44):
miss Alternating Current of nineteen fifteen.Because tell that's about the ear you were
born back in Pattison, isn't it. Yes, I'm Patterson's favorite son.
What do you mean? Just lastweek the people of Pattison directed a statue
in the spot where I was born, the spot where you're born. Where
was that? Right in the middleof the greyhound bus stepot, you were
(07:06):
born right in the middle of thegreyhound bust devote. It was raining and
my mother couldn't get a TEXTI Itell me about my inn from boom.
Tell me there's your whole family sufferedfrom stupidity. Indeed not, they enjoy
every minute of it. Hey,the Castatello, I want to talk to
(07:29):
you, mister. Do you anymoney? No, m Did I have
to give you a tip on anyof any of my hushes? No?
Have you got a rid head ofsister in Chicago? No? Okay,
go ahead and company? Did yougive away prize on this program? Can
I win a refridgerator or something?Nope? Well goodbye, I've got to
(07:51):
go. Hurry over to the GangBuses radio show. Last week I got
a one hundred and sixty four dollarson that program. Wait a minute,
Gang Bushes don't give away anything.Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I'm a pickpocket too. Now Iknow where I saw that, guy,
Abbott. It was the thirtieth anniversaryparty yours. Remember you had a swimming
(08:15):
pool filled up with bourbon. Yeah, the whole swimming pool was filled with
bourbon. What fun. Yes,I never saw so many people going down
for the third time with smiles onher face. Well, never mind that
the whole town was talking about myanniversary party. I didn't my wife,
didn't my wife, But he lookedbeautiful. I'm very proud of my wife.
(08:39):
Every man in town was fighting overbut I got her, Abbott,
you didn't fight hard enough. Mywife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't
got an arrange in her face.She hasn't had Then what are the old
things? Then? God seller,you don't not think about women. I
(09:01):
don't even know why I even discussedthe subject of women with you. Well,
it's not my fore lot. Ihad a very sheltered light and I
met a lovely little red head,and I learned about women from her.
You did? I love a figuredout first date. We sat on the
river bank in the moonlight. Hemoved closer to me than I moved closer
to her. Then the moon wentbehind the cloud. Then it happened.
(09:22):
Why you let me take in thestring on a ukulele? Didn't you kiss
you loop? Yeah? Did you? Did you like it? Oh boy?
How hard make you feel? Howdid it make me feel? Yeah?
Did you ever stand in a hotbuttered waffle and have somebody pouring maple
syrup down your spine? How didyou get along with the loot? Oh?
(09:50):
Good? The second time we hada day, I took her sight
seet on the bus rubber nick No, but I tickled her a little.
Hello boys, he hey, look, Castello's our secretary. The Olavn,
Well, the Yola Barr's my line? Move? Take it well, the
Olivar. I understand you bought anew car. How do you like driving
(10:13):
in California? Hello? Would bethat it would be all right if it
weren't for the pedestrians. What's wrongwith the California pedestrians? Well? I
was driving down here tonight and oneof them whizzed right past my windshield.
The dirty card was pole balling acrossthe street. Sweaty devil. Say say,
(10:41):
Viola, why don't you take mefor a ride down the beach tonight,
I should say not a castella.Viola's only kidding if you Julie like
you, but you've got to dojumping to show that you like her.
That's right, Costello, Do somethingbrave, do something brave. I know
what I'll do. I'll join thearmy and he'll fight the British. Who
we're not fighting the British. That'sall a better. That way, nobody
can get hurt. So tell us. You know you've been acting kind of
(11:07):
clear lately. Wait a minute,come to think about get right, Viola.
Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting upin a tree in Griffith Park,
Castello, what were you doing upin that tree? An autograph? That
shining autograph? Yes, the robinsthought I was Woody woodpecker. Tello.
(11:35):
Here's another thing. Why can't Whyare you always carry an umbrella on your
arm? Why don't you get agirl on your arm? You know a
girl is much nice than an umbrella. Oh I don't know, kiddle.
When you're through a girl, canyou pull her up and hanger in a
closet? Why are you simple minded? No good? Low down? Just
(12:01):
a minute, mister Abbott, haveyou ever stopped to consider the Costello's reasoning
capacity and his functional capabilities for logicaldelineation are coordinated, comprehensive, and negligible.
Is it Is it compalsory to youto abuse this poor moronic social incompetence
simply because the poor slop doesn't possessthe mental capacity of an imbecile. Don't
(12:24):
have it coming to you for along time. I haven't finished, but
I don't what a slot I am? I know I can't help them.
Pastel is stupid? Who stupid?And I say so? I'm that.
I'm always studying, always reading.I just finished a book called When Frank
(12:48):
and Stein leads the Wolfman and Blaculo'sGarden with as part of the woman Killed
the Cat Girl, what's the storyabout two bums living in the Labraya Tuppets.
Well, I've gotta go now.Boys, I'm taking my painting.
Listen. Do you paint? Oh? Yes, I dropped birds with charcoal.
I paint flowers in watercolor. Whatare you doing? Oil? Try
(13:11):
to tatoes. You know that there'sa girl going places? Yes, yes,
sir, If you hurry, shecan be the first one in line.
He clicks an unemployment insurance at thatyou just started taking piano listens.
And I tell ever since you startedplaying the pot of Sam Shovel Private Detective,
(13:33):
you've got your nose in everybody's business. You've been as busy as an
an answered. Busy certainly, andwhy aren't they always going to picnics?
Will you talk? Since? Man? What does that letter you have in
your hand? Well? Have it'sanother fan letter. Listen to this here,
(13:54):
little Costello, a Sam Shovelly detective. You want the greatest thing on
radio. I love your show,but my wife won't listen to it.
She needs you lect she needs ahole in the head. I'm sending her
to see you tonight. What's thegustelo, there's a lady to see you.
What does you look like? He'snot a short, fat woman?
(14:16):
Oh never mind? Why does yourSam Shovel Detective story for the night,
loub? I think I'll do oneof my old Western cases. I call
it the case of the General whoopened up a drive in and was caught
some one horse meat or custers lefthamburger. Stand well you are talking,
Let's do it. I'm Sam ShovelPrivate Detective. I remember my first case,
(14:45):
three eyed and Maxi, the murderer. He had three eyes. He
was the only man in the worldwith twenty twenty twenty vision. And there
was my second case, Terrible Tony, the toughest gangster in Los Angeles.
He was a bronze giant with musclesof steel and an iron fist. I
had to shoot him me he rustin peace. Fifteen years in the detective
(15:13):
business takes a lot out of you. But I feel as strong and vigorous
as a day I started right now. I could tear Superman in half,
but I don't want to ruin therest of the paper. I feel kind
(15:35):
of thirsty. I go to thesink. This Los Angeles water is getting
harder every day. I glanced outof my window. There's the headquarters of
the Republican Club on the Winnow there'sassigned GOP. I just found out what
(15:58):
GEOP mean. Gone out permanently.I looked down at my desk. There's
my note Risk watch. My noterisk Watch. It's a shockproof, non
(16:18):
magnetic, waterproof watch. The directionssay, don't think, just watch out
of the box. Fresh air runsit. I think I'll give it to
my secretary. What a secretary.She got the job of the hard way.
The hard way. She knew howto type. Ruying. Next to
(16:45):
my watch is my shotgun. Idecided to see if it's loaded. I
pointed at the floor and pull afigure. I looked down at the floor.
M When did I buy open?Until choose? I reached in my
(17:08):
coat pocket. Here's the wallet Ifound last night. I hope I can
find the owner. I check,I check to see what's in the wallet.
Here's a card of a pound returnto mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's
the driver's licensees mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's a birth certificate with the name
Nichols. Here's the paink slip fora new Hudson Citan issue to mister Nichols
(17:30):
Delmar Hotel. Well, here's sixhundred dollars in cash. Looks like I'll
have to keep the money. Soif that guy right, he should carry
some identification. The name on themoney is Washington. Now let me see.
(18:04):
Oh yes, it's about time formy Pilotenant Habit of the homicide squad
to show up. Habit had apretty tough week chasing crooks. Monday night,
he was held up on Main StreetTuesday night, he was held up
on Broadway. Wednesday night, hewas held up on Sunset Boulevard. If
Habit would stay out at those saloons, he wouldn't need anybody to hold him
up. Lieutenant Habit don't have towork. He was born with a silver
(18:33):
spoon in his mouth. This wasokay until he found out that all the
other kids have tongues. It's noteasy to be born with a silver spoon
in your mouth. Up to thetime Appot was nineteen on, he could
say was Roger's Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before he became a detective, Appit
(19:00):
was a motorcycle cop. He wasthe only coup in the forest that had
traffic eyes, real traffic eyes.Ity'd always looked both ways before crossing each
other. No matter what case,Lieutenant Abbott pulls out on, he's never
stuck. Hello, Sam Shovel,private detective speaking, Oh Sam, that's
(19:23):
Lieutenant Abbot. Sam. What timeto the balls open in the part National
Bank? At nine o'clock tomorrow morningmorning? That's right, Lieutenant Abott.
You can't get in those volts tillnine o'clock tomorrow morning to get in.
I'm trying to get out. Suddenlymy door opened, Sam Sam, Sam
(19:48):
Shovell was my pile, Lieutenant Abbott. He was scared at that. He
was perspiring, he was sweating bullets. You too, Lieutenant Amata House.
(20:11):
You get out of that bank,well, Sam, I'll tell it to
you hauling a nutshell? Can't youtell it to me? Here? I
don't think we're both fit in anutshell? Dam, I've been working on
a series of bank burglary Monday nightfor Kelly Gang held up the First National
Bank, Susie. They held upthe second National Bank. Wednesday they held
up the third National Bank. Sothe night I was waiting for them at
(20:33):
the fourth National Bank and you caughthim. Nah night they held up the
first National Bank again. But enoughabout myself, enough about my trouble,
Sam, Sam, you don't lookgood. What's the matter. I didn't
get any steep last night? Lieutenant. The burglar climbed into my bedroom window
and made me get out of bed. I stood there shivering in my long
(20:56):
underwear. Why didn't you holler forhelp? He had a gun and I
was afraid to open my trap.After the burglar left, I still couldn't
get any sleep. I was worried. I brought my brother pat you get
poking his head into my room.Lots of guys poke their heads into their
(21:18):
brothers rooms on the end of astick packer, Sam, you get know?
Shots they came from the office nextdoor. Who rents an office next
door? An organization called the AmericanSociety of Patriotic Americans for the Preservation of
Freedom in the United States of Alland for All Patriotic Americans. What do
(21:38):
they do? They're farm spies,Sam, Sam, Look, here's the
guy that did the shooting. He'scoming in here. He's got a gun.
Huh So this is the place Iwe're looking for a where's Sam's trouble?
The piper detective? What do youwant with him? I'm gonna kill
him. I hate radio detective,hate them all, nothing man, the
(22:00):
fat man, I'm queen, butmost of all I hate I am shuffle.
I'm gonna gouge his eye, thatoff one with it. Who are
you? Oh? I am justan ordinary police, honest mister. I'm
not a radio detective. And youwho are you? Fat? So well?
(22:22):
Um, I'm um, you knowI'm don't stand a rabbitt. And
in my cupbook, who are youdon't you recognize me, Mary Margaret McBryde.
Oh so you're the one that becauseI'm those recipes. There's anything I
(22:47):
hate worse than radio the second,just those muscle programs. How come all my five
We have it in Costello show.We're using transcribing. Holly, what for?
You're listening and laughing pleasure with chuckleswith a carload music by Mattie Melvy.
So hold on your chairs, Claus, what aplan? Who Costello?
(00:23):
Alright? Alright, alright, alright? What's all the excitement above? What?
What? What? What happened?Louke? Well, lcome Mike Distiller
goal on his drinking Well, goodfor uncle Mike. Yeah, he's sending
to you or for some Englishman withshrevel He's sending for Englishman with shrevels.
Look far. He figures England wouldwant to part the goal sooner or later,
and they might just as welcome overhere and hope to get up all
(00:50):
that's face of Costeller. Your uncleMike is a moron. Oh no,
he's not. He's gonna be agreat side to some day. Right now.
He's working on a new insecticide.He is. Yes, last week
he got out of his note bookand locked himself in this laboratory with ten
thousan mosquitoes. He released the mosquitiesand was going to write down the mosquitoes
behavior. And what did he write? Nothing? He was so busy stretching
(01:11):
even have time to write it.Just as I thought. He's as big
as men can poop as you No, he's not right now, he's crossing
a rubber plant with a banana.What does he expect to get a girdle
you can slide into? You're outyour home? Family? Are jerks?
(01:34):
Find the way? Why was thatsilly looking thing on the ruddy end of
your car this afternoon? Well,you see, I can't afford the radio
to cats, so I trained mylittle dog to sit on the radio.
Your your dog sits on the radio? Does he bark much? Only when
it boils over? Well, I'mgonna leave you now. I gotta tell
(02:00):
him a babysitting you? A babyshould sit here? Baby shit is a
girl? Well? How strong wasa man? My uncle Jim Kelly was
a sitner. He isn't around anymore, though he isn't What happened while he
was sitting in the warden? Pulleda switch or get him out? Hadn't
(02:23):
gonna be much more about terramic happened? He got Kelly? You're more in
a few seconds? Hey, whylove you? Maybe should take it?
(03:42):
What are you so excited about?Calm down? What's the matter. I'm
worried about it. What do youmean my aunt is in terrible shape?
Well, what's the matter with her? She's got hallucinations. She thinks she's
a taxicab. She thinks she's ataxicab. Yeah, why does her Uncle
Mike call it doctor? Why shouldhe? She gets him to work fast
in the Sunset bus. How longUncle Mike and ant May been married,
(04:06):
lou, Well, it's just twentyyears since they went on a honeymoon.
Aunt Mary went to Niagara Falls andUncle Mike went to Miami. Wait a
minute, do you mean they weren'ttogether on their honeymoon. Uncle Mike said
that the honeymoon, it's the happiesttime of your life. And while it
marriage spoiler, Well, it's wonderfulthings that you're your aunt man, your
uncle Mike have been married for twentyyears? Yeah, yeah, but really
(04:29):
have it? What's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike? Plus, she loved
them, But for the whole twentyyears she hated them, hated them,
Mike poison. And now they haveseventeen children. Wait a minute, she
hated them. Why did they haveseventeen children? Well, it was her
idea. She was just trying tolose them in the crowd. That they
(04:50):
mean doing lou Well, she'd beathim up all the time he wasn't married,
if it wasn't for the children.The children, Yeah, they beat
him too. He must just reallyheading bag. Yes, she tried to
keep in the house every night,telledy. When he started to take us
bed, she puts six boxes ofyellow on the top, so he gets
stuck. Luckily it was radberry andhe ate his way out. I don't
(05:17):
have a very happy homelike, dothey love? No? No? Sturday
nine, Uncle Mike played pinochle allafternoon and when he came home at six
o'clock there was no dinner on thetable. Where was your ant mate down
at the bowling? Allege? She'sdown there seven days a week. Well
that's a shame. Yeah, UncleMike should have never got her that job
sitting pins, wasn't her? UncleMike married once before? Yeah, but
(05:39):
his first wife passed away. Nowthat's too bad. Uncle Mike had such
a tough time collecting the insurance thatsometimes he almost wishes she hasn't died.
What was sure Uncle Mike do beforehe got married? Loose? Well,
he was quite a Romeo ebb fortwo years. He carried a torch for
a girl in Pennsylvania. He carrieda torch for a girl in Pennsylvania.
He was a coal miner, andit gets pretty dark for those tunnels.
(06:00):
Didn't he ever work for a living? Sure? He had a job in
a canned soup factory. He wasin the chicken soup division. He was
a dragger. I wait a minute. One of the duties of a dragger
and a canned soup factory very simple. When a one thousand gallon tank a
hot water was ready, he'd draggeda chicken through it. Ma's no one
of your aunt name Pikes with uncleMike. Yeah, you should have seen
(06:23):
him May Sunday night, Abbot.She was so mad at Mike that she
said she was going to pack uswho cases leaving forever. Now he's really
worried, he is. Yep,she even started the packers who cases yet.
Piker isn't a bad looking guy,But I can't see what he ever
saw near aunt me. He wasvery popular in Patterson when she was a
young girl. She was Yes.The Pattison Electric and Power Company voted her
(06:44):
miss Alternating Current of nineteen fifteen.Because tell that's about the ear you were
born back in Pattison, isn't it. Yes, I'm Patterson's favorite son.
What do you mean? Just lastweek the people of Pattison directed a statue
in the spot where I was born, the spot where you're born. Where
was that? Right in the middleof the greyhound bus stepot, you were
(07:06):
born right in the middle of thegreyhound bust devote. It was raining and
my mother couldn't get a TEXTI Itell me about my inn from boom.
Tell me there's your whole family sufferedfrom stupidity. Indeed not, they enjoy
every minute of it. Hey,the Castatello, I want to talk to
(07:29):
you, mister. Do you anymoney? No, m Did I have
to give you a tip on anyof any of my hushes? No?
Have you got a rid head ofsister in Chicago? No? Okay,
go ahead and company? Did yougive away prize on this program? Can
I win a refridgerator or something?Nope? Well goodbye, I've got to
(07:51):
go. Hurry over to the GangBuses radio show. Last week I got
a one hundred and sixty four dollarson that program. Wait a minute,
Gang Bushes don't give away anything.Oh, I forgot to tell you.
I'm a pickpocket too. Now Iknow where I saw that, guy,
Abbott. It was the thirtieth anniversaryparty yours. Remember you had a swimming
(08:15):
pool filled up with bourbon. Yeah, the whole swimming pool was filled with
bourbon. What fun. Yes,I never saw so many people going down
for the third time with smiles onher face. Well, never mind that
the whole town was talking about myanniversary party. I didn't my wife,
didn't my wife, But he lookedbeautiful. I'm very proud of my wife.
(08:39):
Every man in town was fighting overbut I got her, Abbott,
you didn't fight hard enough. Mywife is a beautiful woman. She hasn't
got an arrange in her face.She hasn't had Then what are the old
things? Then? God seller,you don't not think about women. I
(09:01):
don't even know why I even discussedthe subject of women with you. Well,
it's not my fore lot. Ihad a very sheltered light and I
met a lovely little red head,and I learned about women from her.
You did? I love a figuredout first date. We sat on the
river bank in the moonlight. Hemoved closer to me than I moved closer
to her. Then the moon wentbehind the cloud. Then it happened.
(09:22):
Why you let me take in thestring on a ukulele? Didn't you kiss
you loop? Yeah? Did you? Did you like it? Oh boy?
How hard make you feel? Howdid it make me feel? Yeah?
Did you ever stand in a hotbuttered waffle and have somebody pouring maple
syrup down your spine? How didyou get along with the loot? Oh?
(09:50):
Good? The second time we hada day, I took her sight
seet on the bus rubber nick No, but I tickled her a little.
Hello boys, he hey, look, Castello's our secretary. The Olavn,
Well, the Yola Barr's my line? Move? Take it well, the
Olivar. I understand you bought anew car. How do you like driving
(10:13):
in California? Hello? Would bethat it would be all right if it
weren't for the pedestrians. What's wrongwith the California pedestrians? Well? I
was driving down here tonight and oneof them whizzed right past my windshield.
The dirty card was pole balling acrossthe street. Sweaty devil. Say say,
(10:41):
Viola, why don't you take mefor a ride down the beach tonight,
I should say not a castella.Viola's only kidding if you Julie like
you, but you've got to dojumping to show that you like her.
That's right, Costello, Do somethingbrave, do something brave. I know
what I'll do. I'll join thearmy and he'll fight the British. Who
we're not fighting the British. That'sall a better. That way, nobody
can get hurt. So tell us. You know you've been acting kind of
(11:07):
clear lately. Wait a minute,come to think about get right, Viola.
Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting upin a tree in Griffith Park,
Castello, what were you doing upin that tree? An autograph? That
shining autograph? Yes, the robinsthought I was Woody woodpecker. Tello.
(11:35):
Here's another thing. Why can't Whyare you always carry an umbrella on your
arm? Why don't you get agirl on your arm? You know a
girl is much nice than an umbrella. Oh I don't know, kiddle.
When you're through a girl, canyou pull her up and hanger in a
closet? Why are you simple minded? No good? Low down? Just
(12:01):
a minute, mister Abbott, haveyou ever stopped to consider the Costello's reasoning
capacity and his functional capabilities for logicaldelineation are coordinated, comprehensive, and negligible.
Is it Is it compalsory to youto abuse this poor moronic social incompetence
simply because the poor slop doesn't possessthe mental capacity of an imbecile. Don't
(12:24):
have it coming to you for along time. I haven't finished, but
I don't what a slot I am? I know I can't help them.
Pastel is stupid? Who stupid?And I say so? I'm that.
I'm always studying, always reading.I just finished a book called When Frank
(12:48):
and Stein leads the Wolfman and Blaculo'sGarden with as part of the woman Killed
the Cat Girl, what's the storyabout two bums living in the Labraya Tuppets.
Well, I've gotta go now.Boys, I'm taking my painting.
Listen. Do you paint? Oh? Yes, I dropped birds with charcoal.
I paint flowers in watercolor. Whatare you doing? Oil? Try
(13:11):
to tatoes. You know that there'sa girl going places? Yes, yes,
sir, If you hurry, shecan be the first one in line.
He clicks an unemployment insurance at thatyou just started taking piano listens.
And I tell ever since you startedplaying the pot of Sam Shovel Private Detective,
(13:33):
you've got your nose in everybody's business. You've been as busy as an
an answered. Busy certainly, andwhy aren't they always going to picnics?
Will you talk? Since? Man? What does that letter you have in
your hand? Well? Have it'sanother fan letter. Listen to this here,
(13:54):
little Costello, a Sam Shovelly detective. You want the greatest thing on
radio. I love your show,but my wife won't listen to it.
She needs you lect she needs ahole in the head. I'm sending her
to see you tonight. What's thegustelo, there's a lady to see you.
What does you look like? He'snot a short, fat woman?
(14:16):
Oh never mind? Why does yourSam Shovel Detective story for the night,
loub? I think I'll do oneof my old Western cases. I call
it the case of the General whoopened up a drive in and was caught
some one horse meat or custers lefthamburger. Stand well you are talking,
Let's do it. I'm Sam ShovelPrivate Detective. I remember my first case,
(14:45):
three eyed and Maxi, the murderer. He had three eyes. He
was the only man in the worldwith twenty twenty twenty vision. And there
was my second case, Terrible Tony, the toughest gangster in Los Angeles.
He was a bronze giant with musclesof steel and an iron fist. I
had to shoot him me he rustin peace. Fifteen years in the detective
(15:13):
business takes a lot out of you. But I feel as strong and vigorous
as a day I started right now. I could tear Superman in half,
but I don't want to ruin therest of the paper. I feel kind
(15:35):
of thirsty. I go to thesink. This Los Angeles water is getting
harder every day. I glanced outof my window. There's the headquarters of
the Republican Club on the Winnow there'sassigned GOP. I just found out what
(15:58):
GEOP mean. Gone out permanently.I looked down at my desk. There's
my note Risk watch. My noterisk Watch. It's a shockproof, non
(16:18):
magnetic, waterproof watch. The directionssay, don't think, just watch out
of the box. Fresh air runsit. I think I'll give it to
my secretary. What a secretary.She got the job of the hard way.
The hard way. She knew howto type. Ruying. Next to
(16:45):
my watch is my shotgun. Idecided to see if it's loaded. I
pointed at the floor and pull afigure. I looked down at the floor.
M When did I buy open?Until choose? I reached in my
(17:08):
coat pocket. Here's the wallet Ifound last night. I hope I can
find the owner. I check,I check to see what's in the wallet.
Here's a card of a pound returnto mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's
the driver's licensees mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's a birth certificate with the name
Nichols. Here's the paink slip fora new Hudson Citan issue to mister Nichols
(17:30):
Delmar Hotel. Well, here's sixhundred dollars in cash. Looks like I'll
have to keep the money. Soif that guy right, he should carry
some identification. The name on themoney is Washington. Now let me see.
(18:04):
Oh yes, it's about time formy Pilotenant Habit of the homicide squad
to show up. Habit had apretty tough week chasing crooks. Monday night,
he was held up on Main StreetTuesday night, he was held up
on Broadway. Wednesday night, hewas held up on Sunset Boulevard. If
Habit would stay out at those saloons, he wouldn't need anybody to hold him
up. Lieutenant Habit don't have towork. He was born with a silver
(18:33):
spoon in his mouth. This wasokay until he found out that all the
other kids have tongues. It's noteasy to be born with a silver spoon
in your mouth. Up to thetime Appot was nineteen on, he could
say was Roger's Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before he became a detective, Appit
(19:00):
was a motorcycle cop. He wasthe only coup in the forest that had
traffic eyes, real traffic eyes.Ity'd always looked both ways before crossing each
other. No matter what case,Lieutenant Abbott pulls out on, he's never
stuck. Hello, Sam Shovel,private detective speaking, Oh Sam, that's
(19:23):
Lieutenant Abbot. Sam. What timeto the balls open in the part National
Bank? At nine o'clock tomorrow morningmorning? That's right, Lieutenant Abott.
You can't get in those volts tillnine o'clock tomorrow morning to get in.
I'm trying to get out. Suddenlymy door opened, Sam Sam, Sam
(19:48):
Shovell was my pile, Lieutenant Abbott. He was scared at that. He
was perspiring, he was sweating bullets. You too, Lieutenant Amata House.
(20:11):
You get out of that bank,well, Sam, I'll tell it to
you hauling a nutshell? Can't youtell it to me? Here? I
don't think we're both fit in anutshell? Dam, I've been working on
a series of bank burglary Monday nightfor Kelly Gang held up the First National
Bank, Susie. They held upthe second National Bank. Wednesday they held
up the third National Bank. Sothe night I was waiting for them at
(20:33):
the fourth National Bank and you caughthim. Nah night they held up the
first National Bank again. But enoughabout myself, enough about my trouble,
Sam, Sam, you don't lookgood. What's the matter. I didn't
get any steep last night? Lieutenant. The burglar climbed into my bedroom window
and made me get out of bed. I stood there shivering in my long
(20:56):
underwear. Why didn't you holler forhelp? He had a gun and I
was afraid to open my trap.After the burglar left, I still couldn't
get any sleep. I was worried. I brought my brother pat you get
poking his head into my room.Lots of guys poke their heads into their
(21:18):
brothers rooms on the end of astick packer, Sam, you get know?
Shots they came from the office nextdoor. Who rents an office next
door? An organization called the AmericanSociety of Patriotic Americans for the Preservation of
Freedom in the United States of Alland for All Patriotic Americans. What do
(21:38):
they do? They're farm spies,Sam, Sam, Look, here's the
guy that did the shooting. He'scoming in here. He's got a gun.
Huh So this is the place Iwe're looking for a where's Sam's trouble?
The piper detective? What do youwant with him? I'm gonna kill
him. I hate radio detective,hate them all, nothing man, the
(22:00):
fat man, I'm queen, butmost of all I hate I am shuffle.
I'm gonna gouge his eye, thatoff one with it. Who are
you? Oh? I am justan ordinary police, honest mister. I'm
not a radio detective. And youwho are you? Fat? So well?
(22:22):
Um, I'm um, you knowI'm don't stand a rabbitt. And
in my cupbook, who are youdon't you recognize me, Mary Margaret McBryde.
Oh so you're the one that becauseI'm those recipes. There's anything I
(22:47):
hate worse than radio the second,just those muscle programs. How come all my five
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