May 24, 2023 • 28 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Yeah. Yeah. The Abbot andCostello program brought to you by Camel,
the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh, cool, smoking
(00:22):
and slow burning because their pack togo around the world. Listen to the
music of Freddie Rich and his Archers, the songs of Connie Hayes, the
stars of the Monday Night Blondie Program, Henny Singleton and Author Lake, and
night's guests of Bud Abott and BlutleCostello. Oh there you are, Costello,
(00:54):
Well, why are you late thistime? Where boring Ebot just got
back from the naval bass Chandy Eagle, and I got a message up great
importance for all the sailors, fromall the sailors to every woman at Girlings
distordience. Oh what is it?Ye, shout out Costella. What were
you doing down as the naval days? Oh? What was I doing that?
I was helping them watch a submarineand they gave me the most important
(01:17):
job on the boat. Relieve whatwas it? Well, when the sailors
got the submarine ready to dive,I ran forward and held its nose,
and then what happened? Then?What happened? Down? We went at
it sixty feet in the water,when We got down to the bottom of
my hut thorph and took a walk. You took a walk in sixty foot
of water, and why not?I had my rubbers on. You know,
after all, we have to givethose sailors. No, really,
(01:38):
we have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh I like sailors
too, at it. But I'mreally in love with a marine. You're
in love with a marine. Yeah, marine, No, Harrod, love
talk sends costella between you and me. Love is silly between you and me.
(01:59):
Love be ridiculous. You don't evenhave fiel tie. I never mind
all of this. Listen, We'vegot important work to do. Is the
government has started a national waste paperdrive, and as Mayor of Sherman Oaks,
I mean to collect every scrap ofpaper in this town. Good.
I gave all my paper rabbit.I even ripped the paper off walls.
Then I repapered the walls with therolls of music from the player piano.
(02:20):
You cover the walls with the playerof piano rolls. That's what I did.
That's fine, good, fine,fine, nothing. However, time
I steve the walls play Mercy Doots. Listen, let you get down to
business. Please, this campaign isimportant. I want you to do your
pot by going from door to door. Now can you do it? Oh?
That used to be my record.One time I went from door to
door seller mosquitoes. Ah, that'sidiotic. Who'd buy mosquito? Nobody?
(02:44):
Then? Why did you sell them? No competition? Oh here's Ken Niles.
Well, hello, Hello, how'sthe waste paper drive coming along?
Mayor Rabbit, Jess Fine, KenCostello, Jess Thomas to go all over
town collecting scraps of paper from howscraps of paper from offices, scraps of
paper from bacon lunch. Well,you couldn't have picked a better man.
(03:05):
He's scraph happy anyway. Hello,you see on a sense of humor,
I have Costello one, two,three, and I jump all over you
for five shiching. You get rightoff now, Oh, let's not start
an argument. Say Ken, whatdid your wife say when I appointed her
head of the paper drive committee?Oh? She was very happy, Bud.
(03:29):
She says people will think she's themost fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate
if people think she's a girl.Oh I heard that remark, you overstocked,
low boy. I said it foryou. Here, Dinny, it's
just a minute of sniles. Iain't fat. Oh no, you look
(03:50):
like two thirds of we the people. Costello, you should treat missus Niles
with respect. She has character.Look how high she carries her head.
She's had her facelifted so many times, as I wonder she can stay on
the ground. Costello. I neverhad my face lifted, of course,
(04:10):
I I have used facelift lotion.Oh you have used facelift lotion. Well,
I once used that same motion onthe horse. Did it lift the
horses face? I don't know.We can't get him down off the changlaire.
Come in bonds and bombs will beatthe axis, hope. Be sure
(04:31):
to pay your income taxes. Theyhave your own tin cans. You're ironing
lead and give it all your waistpaper to Dagwood Bumstead. Costello, it's
Dagwood wires, Blondie Dagwood. Ohshe's out in the car. Wait a
minute, our cary, I canyeah good I oh oh hell no,
(05:01):
mister costiellow oh ab dad Wood andI are helping missus Niles with the waste
paper dry yeah, oh well,the first thing you want to throw when
this uh I fetched it up thisafternoon at rehearsal. Food denied. Well
here we go again. Well,the first thing you want to throw in
is the paper that poem was writtenon. I got it, Hey,
(05:26):
Sagwood. Do you make up thatpoem yourself at the somebo a church?
Help you? Oh no, Imade it up myself. You had nothing
to do with it. Just aminute, deadwood, dead wood, drift
wood? No, no, no, no, my name's Dad Wood.
Have you been inspected for termit?Oh? Yeah, mister costellow. Don't
(05:47):
you and Dad would have a fightwhen they're so many important things to be
done? Yeah, and we wantevery bit of waste paper you've got in
this count Yeah, it's something Iknow. Or even giving up their colleague
diploma? Have you got a collegediplomas? H? Nah? Have you
got a high school diploma? Hey? Nice? Then? Now have you
(06:11):
got a grammar school diploma? No, but you're getting what? Oh,
never mind the diplomas, Dagward.Have you got the waidscaper ready near Rabbitt?
Yes, Blondie, it's all collected. Custo carry that old burlap sack
out to the truck. Okay,you know you always fool me, mister
(06:35):
Niles. I mean the way yourFOLI stands for your health everybody. Now,
Dad, would you gather up thoseloosepapers and hurry? We've got lots
of stuff to me. Yeah.Well you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie,
and you keep up the good work. Dagwood, Oh, don't worry,
near abbot. Dad would will workhis hand to the bone for you.
Well, come on, dag wouldhurry you? Yeah, I gotta
(06:56):
get gone. No hold on,do form me, Blondie. Horr stand
at mister Costello. He moves veryfast. Castello, Come in, Costello?
Are they Are they nice people?Lolo? All kidding aside? Aren't
(07:21):
they nice people? Costello? Whydon't you answer me? Where do I
stop spit? Come on, Costello, We've got to get down to the
studio for our broadcast. By theway, where's our script for the night?
I got it right here and youhave it? Have it? What's
the matter? Script is gone?I was right here a minute ago.
Hey do you suppose they took itwith the waste paper? That's ship at
(07:44):
the thak took it. We gottacatch that stack talk whoop, that's fritter.
What I'm gonna out of my wayof it, I moved very fast
here, right, Costello, You'resupposed to open the door now, he
tells me. West of the IvoryCoast, and the Gold Coast is the
(08:16):
independent African nation of Liberia, nowhost to United States Army. And they
be men too, Americans stationed inLiberia to United States bases and outposts throughout
the world. Gold camel cigarettes.Buy the millions, buy the ton,
for camels are first with men inall the services. According to actual sales
(08:37):
records, whether camel cigarettes go toWest Africa or to you, they stay
fresh, cool smoking, and slowburning because camels are packed to go around
the world. Yes, you canbe sure camel cigarettes are fresh. Sure
too, that they have more flavorthe result of expert blending of costli or
tobaccos. Freshness add more flavor aretwo reasons why more people want camels today,
(09:03):
both at home and overseas. Ifyour store is sold up, remember
camel cigarettes are worth asking for againsee camel cigarettes. Camel standard of cost
deer tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian anywhere in the world and
(09:24):
out Back to Abdon Costello, whoare still searching for their missing radio script.
Come on, Costello, we've gotto find our radio script. Are
you sure this a Stagwood's home?Certainly? And are they classy? Look
they've got their names painted in goldon the mailbox. That's not used to
(09:46):
see my house. I got theCostello coat of arms painted on the front
door. What's the Costello coat ofarms? Two sherifs jump up and down
on a second mortgage. I'll goahead knock on the door. Oh it's
Blondie's little boy, Alexander. HelloAlexander. Oh how did you? Gentlemen?
Come right in, pull up achair and sit down. Thank to
(10:07):
you. Alexander. We're at itand Costello. Oh well, in that
case, i'd better open a window. Oh you're at your kid? Ain't
your kid? I must invite youover to the house to play with some
of old my old it has tocome out one way or another. Must
come over and play with my oldrazor playing on alco stella. That's not
(10:30):
nice. Look, Alexander, we'relooking for your mother and Paula. They've
got our radio script. Do youknow where they are? I ain't saying
yes, and I ain't saying no. Well, what are you saying?
I ain't saying, he ain't saying, how old are you? Alexander?
Nine, You're gonna reach ten thehard way, saying Costello put out the
window. There's zag wooden blonde goinginto that house across the street. Come
(10:54):
on, we've got to get thatradio script. Yes, step aside,
Alexander. I moved pretty fast.Out of the way, Alexander. He's
coming through. I don't know howthat tack. What does it? He
gets through every time? Hurry up, crosstell. We've got to get across
(11:16):
the street. While okay, wait, hey, you fat boy, get
back there in the curb. Butalso a lord, but me, what
do you think the traffic lights isfor? Well, the red light is
the signal for the pedestrians across thestreet. Oh the red light is is
(11:37):
it? Then? Tell me what'sthe green lighter? That's the signal for
the automobiles to cross the pedestrian?Oh a wise guy. Well, don't
try to cross the street again untilhe gets a green light and I blow
me whistle twice, or I'll giveyou a ticket for jaywalking. Tllo,
you h over here, I'll goahead. Oh there you are a young
(12:01):
man. Wait, don't stop menow I got the clean light. I
got the clean light. You don'teven know me, o, I dude,
I'm like yo, Missus Hawking frommilwalking lady, look, I gotta
get my radio script across the street. Oh good. Missus Clarking had a
mastache who was bald headed. Buthonestly, you could pass the boot and
he would very exactly like only eventhe seacock and the roasteacock and dust.
Lady, you're rous there, twling. Now will you let me get across
(12:24):
the street? Hey? You soyou're crossing against the red light again?
Again? I'd like to get overonce you hurry over here? All right,
now go ahead, has me youngman, But I'm from the recruiting
office. How would you like tojoin the name? How would I like
(12:45):
to join the navy? Yes,I'd like to join nap it. But
the name is a great place foryou, think of it. You can
cross the ocean. Across the ocean. I can't even get across the street.
I'll see you lay. Oh soit's your Yeah, how what's you
again? LEAs? You? Whatthis is a third time you cross the
(13:20):
street against the red light. Nowcome with me. I'm taking into the
police space. Where's the police station? A tract the street? Do it?
I finally made it. Listen.All so we're Rabbit and Costello.
Our radio script is lost. Weonly have a few minutes to get on
the air. Oh so your Rabbitand Costello. Eh, I never missed
your program. You don't know.I don't hear it, So I don't
(13:41):
miss it. I'll get along withyou. Go penny your corn. Yeah,
but I'm gonna take a socket.Quiet. Look there's Bunny and Dagwood
coming out of that building. Oh, lived impossible. What's the trouble there,
(14:03):
Rabbit? Well, Blondie, whenyou took that waste paper basket out
of here of the house, youknow you must have taken our radio script
two we're doing on the air anysecond. Maybe our papers are on the
trunk. Oh no, that loadwas sent out on the train hours ago.
Oh see what you did, DadWoods. Now water Rabbit and Costell
are going to do on the airtonight, Oh de Blindie, And maybe
I can help them out. Mywhole family was good at making jokes.
(14:26):
They certainly did all right with you. Oh, jelanin a boy, I've
got a great idea. I've gotsomething here in my purse. It's a
school play, that little Alexander Rose. You can do it on the air.
I'm sure Alexander would give you theright. I'd like to give Alexander
the right and a couple of goodlefts. A wait a minute, Costello,
(14:48):
This might be just what we need. Oh sure, it's a dandy
play, all about snow White andthe Seventh Dwarfs. And I know just
a part I'm gonna play. Yeah, so do I come on? There's
little Conny Hayes. Take the novel, the rhythmic hints. Take it easy,
(15:13):
take it easy, take it easy. Don't you know it's more romantic
when I dancing slow? Will takeit easy, take it easy. What's
the good of feeling high? Ilove the light, the slow, Take
it easy, take it easiy.We've got lots of time ahead of us.
(15:33):
The night is young. Take iteasy, take it easy. Don't
you know the music should be waitinginstead of phone. Take it time,
take it time, dancing with thetake it time, Take it time slow.
If you mean it's a moment ten, this can amazing you to run
(16:11):
God you move to bad. Takeit easy, take it easy. Yes,
I know I'm not supposed to makea rum, but jump take it
easy, take, take it easy. Yes, the donna feels I romance
(16:32):
will hit a bomb. Take iteasy, dake yes and no time the
romance when the music. We takeit easy, I should really try to
make my heart and fill my feet. Take your time, take your time,
dancing with easy, dancing with you, Take your time, take your
(16:56):
time with you, please, soyou sleep, take your time, take
your time. I'm learning about takingone time. But I've changed my mind,
changed my mind, and baby,I don't want to take my time.
(17:33):
Well, come on, Costello,let's get in the studio. We're
doing on the air in a fewseconds. Where's Agwood and Blondie. Here
we are history habits and I hadthe strips of snow white right with me.
Now, if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part.
First. I will play the partof the princess snow grim goody goody,
and I will be the handsome princehat I wait a minute, talk
would I played the leading parts aroundhere? I'm a real elector. I
(17:59):
was born in a theater and itcost my five twenty five cents extra.
You were born, you were oneof the interne had cost your father twenty
five cents extra fo what the startdropped me in a large sheet? The
start that brought you should have beenarrested for smuggling dope. Hey, hey,
that's a good one, Missus Niles. Ah, Dagwood, you keep
(18:25):
out of this. I think misterCochello is right, Missus Niles. This
is his program and he should havethe leading part. Oh what does Cotchtello
know about acting? Now me,I am fart to the theater. Your
lower lip looks like the second balconyCostello, Leah Tello, you know that
(18:45):
Missus Niles was a dramatic actress.That's missus Rabbit. I why it's been
only five years since I left theNew York stage to put five Nose into
Hollywood. You didn't have to leaveme art for that. Costella? Please,
will you cut that out and letBlondie you sign the pots for the
(19:06):
play? Yeah, Nat, now, Blondie, please give me a good
part. With Abbott and Costella's audience, I'll be able to reach thirty million
people. That's a good thing theycan't reach you. Oh, don't mind,
Dagwood, mister Costello, he's alwayswanted an acting career. That's right,
fellos. Every time I get nearyou reacted, I get the smell
(19:26):
of the grease paint in me nostrils, the smell of the what in your
hood? Oh? Oh, thesmell of the grease paint in me nostrils,
Dagwind, the word is nostrils,not nastro. But what's the difference
nostros nostrils. He's got the smell. Dagwood just doesn't know what to do
(19:48):
about it. The smell no mycareer, Dagwood. Oh, why don't
you recite one of your poems formister Costello, you know, like you
do on our Monday night You hemight, I'd like to hear it.
You want a bit? Now,come on, Costell, give him a
chance. Go ahead, dang Wood, go ahead. Hah well, thank
you, mister Abbott. You're akind man. You remind me of my
(20:11):
father. But Dagood, mistery Abbottonly has one head. Yeah, what
am I laughing at? Why don'tI think of a joke like that?
Go ahead, Daggoo, recite yourpall Yeah, go ahead? Huh very
well? Now I did is callthe raven the raven? As I sat
(20:32):
rocking gently rocking, rocking on mychamber floor. Came a knocking, gently
knocking, knocking at my chamber door. Quoth the raven nevermore, n how'd
you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just later, ain't
costella. Let's go on with aplay, Ken Niles, will you please
(20:53):
set the scene? Okay, budladies and gentlemen, We now present The
Waste Paper Player, starring Abbot Costelloand Dagwood and Blondie. We present to
Night, an episode from Snow Whiteand the Seven Dwarfs entitled The Seven Dwarfs
sat on the wagon or the Surreywith the shrimps on top. As the
scene opened, the princess is callingto her Prince, Old Prince, Old
(21:18):
Prince, your prince, you've beentotn pence. Here. I am Princess.
I have come to save you fromyour cruel stepmother. I have just
arrived by the greyhound. What's this? Oh foh, my dogs are tired.
Ah, my lovely princess. Letme smother you with kisses? Oh
(21:41):
ping, Hey, Hey, what'sgoing on here? He's kidding you?
Oh dad, but this is justthe play. Yeah, but he isn't
playing night when you're not supposed totalk. Now you represent the pars.
You play the part of a tree. What part? I ain't no waiting
for? You're a tree? Nevermind and I quit? I never mind
(22:03):
a m Costello? Never mind thatCostello. Go on with the play.
Come on, go on with theplay. Loo. Okay, now we
go on with a play. Nowlet me see all my lovely princes.
Please let me smother you with kisses. Yeah wait, wait minute, you
just did that kissing scene, misterCostello. Listen. Isn't that dead Wood
(22:26):
a little too young for you?Blondie and dad Wood in this play?
Mister Costello is my brave all night? I thought knights were big tall fellers.
Dis is spring and the night forgetting shorter? Costello? Will you
(22:51):
please read your next line? Okay, my fair princes, what brings these
tears to your lovely eyes? Mydead mother is so cruel to me.
She makes me do all the drudgeryall day long. It's washing scrub and
washing scrubs, and the night shemakes me sleep in the broom closet.
What do you hear from them?Up? Oh? Woe is me?
(23:17):
All I do is work, work, work. I worked my fingers to
the bone, and that if Igot to show for it, bony fingers.
Princess, Look, the queen,your wicked stepmother approaches. But how
did she get across the moat?She must have caught the guard with his
bridges down. Here comes the queen. Now the queen, she looks more
(23:42):
like the three O clubs. Glomy, my little princess, I have brought
you a nice, weird apple.Hey, hey, Blandie, I don't
eat that apple. It's poison.How do you know I'm reading on the
next page? Ha ha, No, don't let the princes eat the apple.
(24:03):
You must save her. Kiss No, white, give me that apple.
I'll make the ugly queen. Yougot a sou open your mouth,
queen, Oh you silly bad boom. This is me over here. You're
feeding the apple to my horse.The teeth fooled me. Oh, my
brave prince, you have saved mefrom the poison. Answer, how can
I ever repay you? Come intomy arms and let me smother you with
(24:26):
kisses. Wait a minute, there'stoo much kissing going, ARENI. Hey,
I don't mind. I'm a shotrunner. Hey, Donnie, I
don't mind kiss play. Come mind, you you're all go on home,
Jack, Yes, Monday night.Yeah, Hey, come on, let's
(24:52):
go home. Blindie. I'm gettinghungry. Oh what a spot for the
poison apple? Here opening your mouth, not posion the apple. Oh boy,
brother, he was really hungry.Only three seats hit the ground,
Cartella, will you stick to theplay parton me? Everybody part me.
I'm the NBC usher in the studio. Hold the door open, Castello,
(25:14):
stand back, everybody. They movevery fast, Castello. What was that?
What do you think it was?The audience? I'll get out of
here, Evan Cashello will be backin just a moment. Thanks to the
(25:38):
Yanks of the week tonight, wesalute Second Lieutenant Paul M. Colner of
Pontiac, Illinois, who led twentytwo Americans in Paul of our tanks against
a German held town on the CasinoFront. After smashing a German self propelled
gun on the tank, Lieutenant Colnerand his men attack qualtified houses, taking
thirty prisoners, then sending some menback with the prisoners. The young lieutenant
(26:00):
and ten other men, using tanksand bazookas, took the town, capturing
about fifty more German prisoners, includinga whole Battalion Staff. In honor of
you and your men, Lieutenant Paulem Colonel, the makers of Camels are
sending to our soldiers overseas three hundredthousand camel cigarettes. Each of the four
(26:26):
Camel radio shows honors the Yank ofthe Week sends three hundred thousand camel cigarettes
overseas, a total of more thana million camel sent free each week in
this country. The traveling Camel caravanshave thanked audiences of more than three and
a half million Yanks with free showsand free camels. Camel broadcasts go out
to the United States four times aweek a short wave to our men overseas
(26:48):
and to South America. Listen tomorrowto Garry Moore and Jimmy Durranty, Saturday
to Bob Hawk in Thanks to theYanks, Monday to Blondie, and next
Thursday to Avidance Costello with our guestsAlan Hale and Sally Eiders. Well Here's
Happen and Costello with the final word. Thanks Ken Well, Blondie and Dagwind
(27:14):
thanks very much for being with ustonight. Hey Dagward, I listened to
your program every Monday night, andI'd like to know how you get through
those doors without crashing. Oh,there's nothing to it. Mister Costello,
Gagward, take your hand and cheering. Okay, here we go, holid
door. I'm blondie. We're moving. Gee, they made it. I
(27:36):
don't see them Dagwood, Costello,where are you where? Dunn? Here?
That's the cover of this man.Good Night Pump, Michael, mister
Allen Hale, and Miss Sally Eider. And remember, get camels for more
(27:57):
flavor. If you're looking for acigarette won't go flat no matter how many
you smoke. Get camels, poormore fleet, missus Ken Niles, wishing
your very pleasing good night. DonHollywood
Yeah. Yeah. The Abbot andCostello program brought to you by Camel,
the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh, cool, smoking
(00:22):
and slow burning because their pack togo around the world. Listen to the
music of Freddie Rich and his Archers, the songs of Connie Hayes, the
stars of the Monday Night Blondie Program, Henny Singleton and Author Lake, and
night's guests of Bud Abott and BlutleCostello. Oh there you are, Costello,
(00:54):
Well, why are you late thistime? Where boring Ebot just got
back from the naval bass Chandy Eagle, and I got a message up great
importance for all the sailors, fromall the sailors to every woman at Girlings
distordience. Oh what is it?Ye, shout out Costella. What were
you doing down as the naval days? Oh? What was I doing that?
I was helping them watch a submarineand they gave me the most important
(01:17):
job on the boat. Relieve whatwas it? Well, when the sailors
got the submarine ready to dive,I ran forward and held its nose,
and then what happened? Then?What happened? Down? We went at
it sixty feet in the water,when We got down to the bottom of
my hut thorph and took a walk. You took a walk in sixty foot
of water, and why not?I had my rubbers on. You know,
after all, we have to givethose sailors. No, really,
(01:38):
we have to give those sailors credit. They're wonderful. Oh I like sailors
too, at it. But I'mreally in love with a marine. You're
in love with a marine. Yeah, marine, No, Harrod, love
talk sends costella between you and me. Love is silly between you and me.
(01:59):
Love be ridiculous. You don't evenhave fiel tie. I never mind
all of this. Listen, We'vegot important work to do. Is the
government has started a national waste paperdrive, and as Mayor of Sherman Oaks,
I mean to collect every scrap ofpaper in this town. Good.
I gave all my paper rabbit.I even ripped the paper off walls.
Then I repapered the walls with therolls of music from the player piano.
(02:20):
You cover the walls with the playerof piano rolls. That's what I did.
That's fine, good, fine,fine, nothing. However, time
I steve the walls play Mercy Doots. Listen, let you get down to
business. Please, this campaign isimportant. I want you to do your
pot by going from door to door. Now can you do it? Oh?
That used to be my record.One time I went from door to
door seller mosquitoes. Ah, that'sidiotic. Who'd buy mosquito? Nobody?
(02:44):
Then? Why did you sell them? No competition? Oh here's Ken Niles.
Well, hello, Hello, how'sthe waste paper drive coming along?
Mayor Rabbit, Jess Fine, KenCostello, Jess Thomas to go all over
town collecting scraps of paper from howscraps of paper from offices, scraps of
paper from bacon lunch. Well,you couldn't have picked a better man.
(03:05):
He's scraph happy anyway. Hello,you see on a sense of humor,
I have Costello one, two,three, and I jump all over you
for five shiching. You get rightoff now, Oh, let's not start
an argument. Say Ken, whatdid your wife say when I appointed her
head of the paper drive committee?Oh? She was very happy, Bud.
(03:29):
She says people will think she's themost fortunate girl. She'll be fortunate
if people think she's a girl.Oh I heard that remark, you overstocked,
low boy. I said it foryou. Here, Dinny, it's
just a minute of sniles. Iain't fat. Oh no, you look
(03:50):
like two thirds of we the people. Costello, you should treat missus Niles
with respect. She has character.Look how high she carries her head.
She's had her facelifted so many times, as I wonder she can stay on
the ground. Costello. I neverhad my face lifted, of course,
(04:10):
I I have used facelift lotion.Oh you have used facelift lotion. Well,
I once used that same motion onthe horse. Did it lift the
horses face? I don't know.We can't get him down off the changlaire.
Come in bonds and bombs will beatthe axis, hope. Be sure
(04:31):
to pay your income taxes. Theyhave your own tin cans. You're ironing
lead and give it all your waistpaper to Dagwood Bumstead. Costello, it's
Dagwood wires, Blondie Dagwood. Ohshe's out in the car. Wait a
minute, our cary, I canyeah good I oh oh hell no,
(05:01):
mister costiellow oh ab dad Wood andI are helping missus Niles with the waste
paper dry yeah, oh well,the first thing you want to throw when
this uh I fetched it up thisafternoon at rehearsal. Food denied. Well
here we go again. Well,the first thing you want to throw in
is the paper that poem was writtenon. I got it, Hey,
(05:26):
Sagwood. Do you make up thatpoem yourself at the somebo a church?
Help you? Oh no, Imade it up myself. You had nothing
to do with it. Just aminute, deadwood, dead wood, drift
wood? No, no, no, no, my name's Dad Wood.
Have you been inspected for termit?Oh? Yeah, mister costellow. Don't
(05:47):
you and Dad would have a fightwhen they're so many important things to be
done? Yeah, and we wantevery bit of waste paper you've got in
this count Yeah, it's something Iknow. Or even giving up their colleague
diploma? Have you got a collegediplomas? H? Nah? Have you
got a high school diploma? Hey? Nice? Then? Now have you
(06:11):
got a grammar school diploma? No, but you're getting what? Oh,
never mind the diplomas, Dagward.Have you got the waidscaper ready near Rabbitt?
Yes, Blondie, it's all collected. Custo carry that old burlap sack
out to the truck. Okay,you know you always fool me, mister
(06:35):
Niles. I mean the way yourFOLI stands for your health everybody. Now,
Dad, would you gather up thoseloosepapers and hurry? We've got lots
of stuff to me. Yeah.Well you're doing a wonderful job, Blondie,
and you keep up the good work. Dagwood, Oh, don't worry,
near abbot. Dad would will workhis hand to the bone for you.
Well, come on, dag wouldhurry you? Yeah, I gotta
(06:56):
get gone. No hold on,do form me, Blondie. Horr stand
at mister Costello. He moves veryfast. Castello, Come in, Costello?
Are they Are they nice people?Lolo? All kidding aside? Aren't
(07:21):
they nice people? Costello? Whydon't you answer me? Where do I
stop spit? Come on, Costello, We've got to get down to the
studio for our broadcast. By theway, where's our script for the night?
I got it right here and youhave it? Have it? What's
the matter? Script is gone?I was right here a minute ago.
Hey do you suppose they took itwith the waste paper? That's ship at
(07:44):
the thak took it. We gottacatch that stack talk whoop, that's fritter.
What I'm gonna out of my wayof it, I moved very fast
here, right, Costello, You'resupposed to open the door now, he
tells me. West of the IvoryCoast, and the Gold Coast is the
(08:16):
independent African nation of Liberia, nowhost to United States Army. And they
be men too, Americans stationed inLiberia to United States bases and outposts throughout
the world. Gold camel cigarettes.Buy the millions, buy the ton,
for camels are first with men inall the services. According to actual sales
(08:37):
records, whether camel cigarettes go toWest Africa or to you, they stay
fresh, cool smoking, and slowburning because camels are packed to go around
the world. Yes, you canbe sure camel cigarettes are fresh. Sure
too, that they have more flavorthe result of expert blending of costli or
tobaccos. Freshness add more flavor aretwo reasons why more people want camels today,
(09:03):
both at home and overseas. Ifyour store is sold up, remember
camel cigarettes are worth asking for againsee camel cigarettes. Camel standard of cost
deer tobaccos is the same for soldier, for civilian anywhere in the world and
(09:24):
out Back to Abdon Costello, whoare still searching for their missing radio script.
Come on, Costello, we've gotto find our radio script. Are
you sure this a Stagwood's home?Certainly? And are they classy? Look
they've got their names painted in goldon the mailbox. That's not used to
(09:46):
see my house. I got theCostello coat of arms painted on the front
door. What's the Costello coat ofarms? Two sherifs jump up and down
on a second mortgage. I'll goahead knock on the door. Oh it's
Blondie's little boy, Alexander. HelloAlexander. Oh how did you? Gentlemen?
Come right in, pull up achair and sit down. Thank to
(10:07):
you. Alexander. We're at itand Costello. Oh well, in that
case, i'd better open a window. Oh you're at your kid? Ain't
your kid? I must invite youover to the house to play with some
of old my old it has tocome out one way or another. Must
come over and play with my oldrazor playing on alco stella. That's not
(10:30):
nice. Look, Alexander, we'relooking for your mother and Paula. They've
got our radio script. Do youknow where they are? I ain't saying
yes, and I ain't saying no. Well, what are you saying?
I ain't saying, he ain't saying, how old are you? Alexander?
Nine, You're gonna reach ten thehard way, saying Costello put out the
window. There's zag wooden blonde goinginto that house across the street. Come
(10:54):
on, we've got to get thatradio script. Yes, step aside,
Alexander. I moved pretty fast.Out of the way, Alexander. He's
coming through. I don't know howthat tack. What does it? He
gets through every time? Hurry up, crosstell. We've got to get across
(11:16):
the street. While okay, wait, hey, you fat boy, get
back there in the curb. Butalso a lord, but me, what
do you think the traffic lights isfor? Well, the red light is
the signal for the pedestrians across thestreet. Oh the red light is is
(11:37):
it? Then? Tell me what'sthe green lighter? That's the signal for
the automobiles to cross the pedestrian?Oh a wise guy. Well, don't
try to cross the street again untilhe gets a green light and I blow
me whistle twice, or I'll giveyou a ticket for jaywalking. Tllo,
you h over here, I'll goahead. Oh there you are a young
(12:01):
man. Wait, don't stop menow I got the clean light. I
got the clean light. You don'teven know me, o, I dude,
I'm like yo, Missus Hawking frommilwalking lady, look, I gotta
get my radio script across the street. Oh good. Missus Clarking had a
mastache who was bald headed. Buthonestly, you could pass the boot and
he would very exactly like only eventhe seacock and the roasteacock and dust.
Lady, you're rous there, twling. Now will you let me get across
(12:24):
the street? Hey? You soyou're crossing against the red light again?
Again? I'd like to get overonce you hurry over here? All right,
now go ahead, has me youngman, But I'm from the recruiting
office. How would you like tojoin the name? How would I like
(12:45):
to join the navy? Yes,I'd like to join nap it. But
the name is a great place foryou, think of it. You can
cross the ocean. Across the ocean. I can't even get across the street.
I'll see you lay. Oh soit's your Yeah, how what's you
again? LEAs? You? Whatthis is a third time you cross the
(13:20):
street against the red light. Nowcome with me. I'm taking into the
police space. Where's the police station? A tract the street? Do it?
I finally made it. Listen.All so we're Rabbit and Costello.
Our radio script is lost. Weonly have a few minutes to get on
the air. Oh so your Rabbitand Costello. Eh, I never missed
your program. You don't know.I don't hear it, So I don't
(13:41):
miss it. I'll get along withyou. Go penny your corn. Yeah,
but I'm gonna take a socket.Quiet. Look there's Bunny and Dagwood
coming out of that building. Oh, lived impossible. What's the trouble there,
(14:03):
Rabbit? Well, Blondie, whenyou took that waste paper basket out
of here of the house, youknow you must have taken our radio script
two we're doing on the air anysecond. Maybe our papers are on the
trunk. Oh no, that loadwas sent out on the train hours ago.
Oh see what you did, DadWoods. Now water Rabbit and Costell
are going to do on the airtonight, Oh de Blindie, And maybe
I can help them out. Mywhole family was good at making jokes.
(14:26):
They certainly did all right with you. Oh, jelanin a boy, I've
got a great idea. I've gotsomething here in my purse. It's a
school play, that little Alexander Rose. You can do it on the air.
I'm sure Alexander would give you theright. I'd like to give Alexander
the right and a couple of goodlefts. A wait a minute, Costello,
(14:48):
This might be just what we need. Oh sure, it's a dandy
play, all about snow White andthe Seventh Dwarfs. And I know just
a part I'm gonna play. Yeah, so do I come on? There's
little Conny Hayes. Take the novel, the rhythmic hints. Take it easy,
(15:13):
take it easy, take it easy. Don't you know it's more romantic
when I dancing slow? Will takeit easy, take it easy. What's
the good of feeling high? Ilove the light, the slow, Take
it easy, take it easiy.We've got lots of time ahead of us.
(15:33):
The night is young. Take iteasy, take it easy. Don't
you know the music should be waitinginstead of phone. Take it time,
take it time, dancing with thetake it time, Take it time slow.
If you mean it's a moment ten, this can amazing you to run
(16:11):
God you move to bad. Takeit easy, take it easy. Yes,
I know I'm not supposed to makea rum, but jump take it
easy, take, take it easy. Yes, the donna feels I romance
(16:32):
will hit a bomb. Take iteasy, dake yes and no time the
romance when the music. We takeit easy, I should really try to
make my heart and fill my feet. Take your time, take your time,
dancing with easy, dancing with you, Take your time, take your
(16:56):
time with you, please, soyou sleep, take your time, take
your time. I'm learning about takingone time. But I've changed my mind,
changed my mind, and baby,I don't want to take my time.
(17:33):
Well, come on, Costello,let's get in the studio. We're
doing on the air in a fewseconds. Where's Agwood and Blondie. Here
we are history habits and I hadthe strips of snow white right with me.
Now, if you all gather around, I'll assign each one his part.
First. I will play the partof the princess snow grim goody goody,
and I will be the handsome princehat I wait a minute, talk
would I played the leading parts aroundhere? I'm a real elector. I
(17:59):
was born in a theater and itcost my five twenty five cents extra.
You were born, you were oneof the interne had cost your father twenty
five cents extra fo what the startdropped me in a large sheet? The
start that brought you should have beenarrested for smuggling dope. Hey, hey,
that's a good one, Missus Niles. Ah, Dagwood, you keep
(18:25):
out of this. I think misterCochello is right, Missus Niles. This
is his program and he should havethe leading part. Oh what does Cotchtello
know about acting? Now me,I am fart to the theater. Your
lower lip looks like the second balconyCostello, Leah Tello, you know that
(18:45):
Missus Niles was a dramatic actress.That's missus Rabbit. I why it's been
only five years since I left theNew York stage to put five Nose into
Hollywood. You didn't have to leaveme art for that. Costella? Please,
will you cut that out and letBlondie you sign the pots for the
(19:06):
play? Yeah, Nat, now, Blondie, please give me a good
part. With Abbott and Costella's audience, I'll be able to reach thirty million
people. That's a good thing theycan't reach you. Oh, don't mind,
Dagwood, mister Costello, he's alwayswanted an acting career. That's right,
fellos. Every time I get nearyou reacted, I get the smell
(19:26):
of the grease paint in me nostrils, the smell of the what in your
hood? Oh? Oh, thesmell of the grease paint in me nostrils,
Dagwind, the word is nostrils,not nastro. But what's the difference
nostros nostrils. He's got the smell. Dagwood just doesn't know what to do
(19:48):
about it. The smell no mycareer, Dagwood. Oh, why don't
you recite one of your poems formister Costello, you know, like you
do on our Monday night You hemight, I'd like to hear it.
You want a bit? Now,come on, Costell, give him a
chance. Go ahead, dang Wood, go ahead. Hah well, thank
you, mister Abbott. You're akind man. You remind me of my
(20:11):
father. But Dagood, mistery Abbottonly has one head. Yeah, what
am I laughing at? Why don'tI think of a joke like that?
Go ahead, Daggoo, recite yourpall Yeah, go ahead? Huh very
well? Now I did is callthe raven the raven? As I sat
(20:32):
rocking gently rocking, rocking on mychamber floor. Came a knocking, gently
knocking, knocking at my chamber door. Quoth the raven nevermore, n how'd
you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just later, ain't
costella. Let's go on with aplay, Ken Niles, will you please
(20:53):
set the scene? Okay, budladies and gentlemen, We now present The
Waste Paper Player, starring Abbot Costelloand Dagwood and Blondie. We present to
Night, an episode from Snow Whiteand the Seven Dwarfs entitled The Seven Dwarfs
sat on the wagon or the Surreywith the shrimps on top. As the
scene opened, the princess is callingto her Prince, Old Prince, Old
(21:18):
Prince, your prince, you've beentotn pence. Here. I am Princess.
I have come to save you fromyour cruel stepmother. I have just
arrived by the greyhound. What's this? Oh foh, my dogs are tired.
Ah, my lovely princess. Letme smother you with kisses? Oh
(21:41):
ping, Hey, Hey, what'sgoing on here? He's kidding you?
Oh dad, but this is justthe play. Yeah, but he isn't
playing night when you're not supposed totalk. Now you represent the pars.
You play the part of a tree. What part? I ain't no waiting
for? You're a tree? Nevermind and I quit? I never mind
(22:03):
a m Costello? Never mind thatCostello. Go on with the play.
Come on, go on with theplay. Loo. Okay, now we
go on with a play. Nowlet me see all my lovely princes.
Please let me smother you with kisses. Yeah wait, wait minute, you
just did that kissing scene, misterCostello. Listen. Isn't that dead Wood
(22:26):
a little too young for you?Blondie and dad Wood in this play?
Mister Costello is my brave all night? I thought knights were big tall fellers.
Dis is spring and the night forgetting shorter? Costello? Will you
(22:51):
please read your next line? Okay, my fair princes, what brings these
tears to your lovely eyes? Mydead mother is so cruel to me.
She makes me do all the drudgeryall day long. It's washing scrub and
washing scrubs, and the night shemakes me sleep in the broom closet.
What do you hear from them?Up? Oh? Woe is me?
(23:17):
All I do is work, work, work. I worked my fingers to
the bone, and that if Igot to show for it, bony fingers.
Princess, Look, the queen,your wicked stepmother approaches. But how
did she get across the moat?She must have caught the guard with his
bridges down. Here comes the queen. Now the queen, she looks more
(23:42):
like the three O clubs. Glomy, my little princess, I have brought
you a nice, weird apple.Hey, hey, Blandie, I don't
eat that apple. It's poison.How do you know I'm reading on the
next page? Ha ha, No, don't let the princes eat the apple.
(24:03):
You must save her. Kiss No, white, give me that apple.
I'll make the ugly queen. Yougot a sou open your mouth,
queen, Oh you silly bad boom. This is me over here. You're
feeding the apple to my horse.The teeth fooled me. Oh, my
brave prince, you have saved mefrom the poison. Answer, how can
I ever repay you? Come intomy arms and let me smother you with
(24:26):
kisses. Wait a minute, there'stoo much kissing going, ARENI. Hey,
I don't mind. I'm a shotrunner. Hey, Donnie, I
don't mind kiss play. Come mind, you you're all go on home,
Jack, Yes, Monday night.Yeah, Hey, come on, let's
(24:52):
go home. Blindie. I'm gettinghungry. Oh what a spot for the
poison apple? Here opening your mouth, not posion the apple. Oh boy,
brother, he was really hungry.Only three seats hit the ground,
Cartella, will you stick to theplay parton me? Everybody part me.
I'm the NBC usher in the studio. Hold the door open, Castello,
(25:14):
stand back, everybody. They movevery fast, Castello. What was that?
What do you think it was?The audience? I'll get out of
here, Evan Cashello will be backin just a moment. Thanks to the
(25:38):
Yanks of the week tonight, wesalute Second Lieutenant Paul M. Colner of
Pontiac, Illinois, who led twentytwo Americans in Paul of our tanks against
a German held town on the CasinoFront. After smashing a German self propelled
gun on the tank, Lieutenant Colnerand his men attack qualtified houses, taking
thirty prisoners, then sending some menback with the prisoners. The young lieutenant
(26:00):
and ten other men, using tanksand bazookas, took the town, capturing
about fifty more German prisoners, includinga whole Battalion Staff. In honor of
you and your men, Lieutenant Paulem Colonel, the makers of Camels are
sending to our soldiers overseas three hundredthousand camel cigarettes. Each of the four
(26:26):
Camel radio shows honors the Yank ofthe Week sends three hundred thousand camel cigarettes
overseas, a total of more thana million camel sent free each week in
this country. The traveling Camel caravanshave thanked audiences of more than three and
a half million Yanks with free showsand free camels. Camel broadcasts go out
to the United States four times aweek a short wave to our men overseas
(26:48):
and to South America. Listen tomorrowto Garry Moore and Jimmy Durranty, Saturday
to Bob Hawk in Thanks to theYanks, Monday to Blondie, and next
Thursday to Avidance Costello with our guestsAlan Hale and Sally Eiders. Well Here's
Happen and Costello with the final word. Thanks Ken Well, Blondie and Dagwind
(27:14):
thanks very much for being with ustonight. Hey Dagward, I listened to
your program every Monday night, andI'd like to know how you get through
those doors without crashing. Oh,there's nothing to it. Mister Costello,
Gagward, take your hand and cheering. Okay, here we go, holid
door. I'm blondie. We're moving. Gee, they made it. I
(27:36):
don't see them Dagwood, Costello,where are you where? Dunn? Here?
That's the cover of this man.Good Night Pump, Michael, mister
Allen Hale, and Miss Sally Eider. And remember, get camels for more
(27:57):
flavor. If you're looking for acigarette won't go flat no matter how many
you smoke. Get camels, poormore fleet, missus Ken Niles, wishing
your very pleasing good night. DonHollywood
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