Episode 112, February 22, 2025 - Jean Shepherd Marathon, Part 6 - Airchecks

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Welcome to air checks. Here is more of the Gene
Shepherd Marathon on w o R in New York City
from September eleventh, nineteen sixty Listen, baby, air conditioned graves
are reading from Fu Manchu. Chef mentions that this is
the last of the Sunday night shows and that is
new airtime will be twelve fifteen a m. To four am.
Memories of his recent trip to Guantonimo Bay, Cuba. Fall

(00:47):
Haiku bye bah bah bo, didd well now here it is.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
I am sitting on my douf after I have had
this fantastic fried soul in bouterre, butter, mollier, moliere, rimbau, rambo, rimbaud, rimbaud.
So has it ever occurred to you the French don't

(01:17):
even know how to pronounce their own language. I mean
it's not I mean it's pretty silly, you know, And
you stop to think of It's like none of them
know how to spell. Today, I'm sitting over there in
Lambamiton and I'm talking to this guy from the Kuttner Agency,
and he is telling me how much he loves me,
and I'm telling him how much I love him, and

(01:39):
we're talking away there and we're drinking quantra. Oh. Yes,
it's this expense accountsville, all the way down the linesville.
So we're sitting there, you know, piling it on. And
after about three and a half hours of this, we
go reading out into the east side and we hand
clasp firmly, and he says, the old contractor Reno is

(02:02):
going to be in the mail, and it's in the bag.
And I came back and I'm sitting here at my desk,
and I begin to wonder whether or not he loved
me because we were at Lemarmaton and I loved him
because there was control there? Or was it quantroll? Was

(02:23):
that stuff? You could run an outboard motor for four
weeks on one fifth of this stuff, So I mean
it's got calories, baby, I mean, which is another word
for octane. And so I'm sitting there and I begin
to wonder whether or not if we removed all of
that jazz, if we could ever get together, me and

(02:45):
this guy, which immediately leads me to you, if I
threw your record player down the air shaft I love,
And if I threw out this Japanese couch of those
Danish salad bowls blah, blah blah blah bee and that
gothic TV set sent it home to mother. And if

(03:10):
I made let's say, let's say if I made let's say,
if I cut paper dolls out of the wall of
the wall carpeting. In other words, clean this whole place out,
Move you down into a cellar somewhere. We sat around

(03:31):
on packing cases. Wu was you dig me like you
dig me? Now? Would you do it? And you see
what I say, this is a hypothetical, pertinent question. No,
I'm being serious really, you know, I mean not really actually,

(03:55):
because if you ever answered, I would explode. If you
ever got honest with me, there would I mean, where
would we go from there? Because nobody ever really wants
the answers, you know, least of all guess who bah
bah blah blah blah booby bd right, I mean, you know,

(04:18):
just just for kicks, I'm just oh no, come on, no,
look look, first of all, I am once again putting
you on because I know, I mean, really, I know
what your answer is. You don't even have to say it.
Don't say it? I know, Yeah, I mean, so what

(04:41):
you know, just makeing talk. I think people just sit
around and talk and never really say anything, and that's
all I'm doing. Blah blah. How would you like me
to sing with Dave Brubeck Now? I mean I am
getting fed up to hear with Colonious Monk and Jerry Mulligan.
I don't care what your mother gave you this record

(05:01):
or not. The old lady has her taste you nowhere
bah bah bah boom bah boom bom boomed rocket. She
is strictly wyat urp's milk you need. Now, I got

(05:23):
an idea. How would you like me to go down
and get three cream soda, no caws three and we
will get all no called up? How about it? Huh?
You know there's nothing better than little cream soda, no
care with just a slight little finger of any set.

Speaker 3 (05:43):
Of course, that kills the whole idea of no cow.

Speaker 2 (05:46):
But whoo whoo.

Speaker 4 (05:50):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (05:52):
I will be back in five, just in time to
make the station break around here. Baby hm h m M.

(06:50):
I have a.

Speaker 5 (07:03):
Last any any.

Speaker 2 (08:00):
M. I cannot explain it except that somehow I feel
as though they hadn't invented Tomorrow's.

Speaker 5 (08:09):
It is this this.

Speaker 2 (08:11):
It could be a very dangerous thing, you know, cause
this is the way all of man has always lived
speaking of the dangerous things. This is w R A,
M and FM, New York, and we will be here
until one o'clock in the morning. I don't know. I
don't know how to coursecuruse again. You know when you

(08:34):
when you walk along Park Avenue and you look up
and you see all these erector set buildings that they're
putting up on every corner, made out of glass and
aluminum aluminum aluminium. What is it? They say up in Canada?
Aluminium aluminium aluminum. And it took me about I I I,

(08:56):
I say, at least four grades to learn to say
illumine them properly, improperly aluminum aluminum aluminium laboratory. You know,
I just I like I could throw in little air
here and there. Neither laboratory, neither. Shepherd certainly speak very well,

(09:21):
very well, veryway. When can tend a pershon breeding immediately
speaks to well, you know, Shepherd, you are a completely
inconsolable ham, no questioning about, of course, mister Shepherd, who
speak very well. Can you imagine a man made entirely

(09:43):
of jowls, just gewls all over hanging from his knees.
She speak, excuse me, haven't I just of this. This
is like tomorrow hasn't been invented, Like we're not going
to make it until a they am, none of us
are going to be here.

Speaker 3 (10:02):
Hey, listen, I want to ask you a question.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
Of course, this is liable to be a very personal one,
but if I were to come up to you and sneak,
you know, whenever I whisper on the air, I get
about four or five letters that they're the most touching
letters in the way from heart of hearing ladies, I
do say, mister Sheppard, we'd like to tell you that

(10:27):
that many of us don't hear what you say when
you whisper. And I have a suspicion that that's when
you read. He said, it's right, madam, didn't get that,
did your baby George or not? Speaking of touching letters,
I didn't know what to do. I got. I got

(10:49):
a very very strange, sad, little touching note from a
guy who said he's a listener. And he came right
out and said it. He says, all of a sudden,
I I had this wild thing happen to me, and
I am now in a nervous, wild nervous state, and
I am in a mental hospital. This is a very

(11:09):
somehow very disturbing letter. And he said, he said, and
he went right on. He didn't ask for any any sympathy.
I think, like he said, here I am, he said,
But I don't have a radio. And he says, these
aids around here insist on me sleeping from ten thirty
until X hours in the morning, he says, And I
have this crummy, rotten little transistor radio that I hide

(11:30):
under my bed, and it's an old transistor radio, and
I get nothing but static.

Speaker 3 (11:37):
He says.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
How can I get what? What? What can I do?
I don't know, buddy. It's problems just like that that
got you where you are. I mean, because we're all
being bugged in one way or another, you know, we
all all are all are it's the it's the it's
the it's it's the growth, you know, all this stuff
going on everywhere. It's it's the it's the giant mushroom

(11:59):
of civilization and mankind and all the rest of it.
All the things, by the way, which we created to
help us out, they have kind of taken over now.
I mean, the air conditioning is beginning to move in.
Do you know that you can get an air conditioned grave.
Now there's a fantastic ad that appeared the other day.
I'm not, Oh Shepherd, wuldn't Josh you not a bit

(12:22):
of it? I am not, you know, because because you know.
The intriguing thing about it is that I have come
to notice that hardly anybody sees these things. They'll read
him in the New York Times. They go right on.
And then I come out and Sam said, what is
he saying? I said, come on, what's this clown? No, no, no, no,
I'm telling you this that I read an article by
an air conditioning man, the whole business about air conditioning.

(12:43):
Seeing all the way down at the bottom. You can
now get an air conditioned crept. I'll get an air
conditioned grave. And it's a lovable, livable room temperature. It says,
very livable temperature. I kind of like that idea. This
is a factor, Rooney. There's not going to be any
dead American who has to leave his air temp anymore.

(13:07):
I mean, you can take it with you.

Speaker 3 (13:09):
I cut it out now.

Speaker 2 (13:10):
This is an old, outmoded idea. You can take it
with you. And you know that they that they're working
on a thing that credit card people are working on
the things so that you can honestly take your card
with you and it will be honored both places, which
I think kind of is a real selling point. I mean,
I want of those phony selling points because I want security, Dad, aysecurity.

(13:35):
Have you ever gotten really tired of not making it? Seriously?
Is there anybody out there who, to himself never has
said when is it going to happen? When am I
going to really hit it? You realize, of course, that
the natives of the Solomon Islands have built a whole
religion on this. This is the great mystery ship that's

(13:56):
going to appear one day and it's going to be
filled with nothing but everything. And they sit on the
beach hour after hour, some of them, and just sit
there and wait for the ship to come in. Well,
Solomon Islanders can get away with it. I mean literally
sitting on the beach watching with the glass, you know,
looking at them. Once in one one guy said, what's

(14:17):
that thing moving out there on the just to the
left of the big rock. It's a way I think,
oh no, oh yeah, crying out loud, that's the third
one this week. And they just sit you know, I'm
not kidding you. This is a fact. This is the

(14:37):
Big Ship complex. Do you know what happened once, of course,
is that the US government finally had to send them one,
and they did. You know, they decided, well, well we'll
take them off the hook. These guys have been they've
had this fantastic family and they they haven't done anything
for a long time, just sit on the beach and wait.
And so they did send the ship. Did you know
that they send a ship out there. The ship arrived

(14:59):
and everybody's, oh, here it is, It's finally here. And
they all rushed down and they started unload all the paps,
beer and they you know, they were bringing them john paper, everything,
you know, they were bringing it all out there, and
they when it was all piled up from the beach,
it looked so little. I mean it really did. It
looked really little compared to the dream that they said, oh,
this is not the real one. And so the guys

(15:19):
with the ship they brought this ship all painted white.
They said, yeah, this is the big ship. This is
the one. And the natives says, oh, no, you're not
putting me on, no, no, And so they ate their
Mary Jane's and they sat around and they chewed their
male pouch that they gave them, and they started and
then you know what they did. Then then they quit
doing everything because they had had a sign that ships

(15:41):
were possible. A little nothing ship had arrived, but in
a week or two, or maybe a year or an
eon or so, the big one would come and they
weren't going to miss it. So then they had it
in spades. The government had a gigantic ship complex. It's like,
you know, you give it anybody an inch, I mean,

(16:02):
they're ready to swing. Man. You give one guy thirty
seconds on the Ed Sullivan Show, and he is he
will go to his grave burnt up that he wasn't
given four hours, one hundred hours, a million hours. You know,
it's just a fact of nature. Is there anyone out
there with soul so dead who never to himself? Is
that I am getting tired of this? When am I

(16:23):
going to make it? I mean really make it? Is
there anybody out there who honestly can stand up and
say to me, Shepherd, I have made it. I will
then point out a dead man, by the way, I'm
using an old ancient antique system technique of the evangelists,

(16:45):
who will say, is there anyone out here who can
stand up and say to me, I am a good man.
One person in this congregation stand up and say that
I am a good man. You've such a mad he
stands up before me.

Speaker 6 (17:01):
I will point out a fool.

Speaker 3 (17:03):
I will point out a sinner.

Speaker 2 (17:06):
Well, then, everybody, what can they do? I mean, you
just sit there and sweat. What are you gonna do
now now that we have arrived at this millennium? Is
there anyone out there who can stand up and say
to me I am a good man? I know, excuse
to raise that I'm not interested in the good man?
That causes meeting answer immediately. Is there anyone out here

(17:28):
who can call me up and say I have made it?
I mean, because actually good is paralleled in our time
with making it. You know that, don't you? That's right?
And I'm not talking particularly of de e a u
X dear do bucks a rooney baby money money for me?

(17:48):
Will do around money. Why do you get a big
sign here in New York, big sign up on top
of one of them buildings that says m O N
Why what does that spend money? Okay? Does one need
any more proof of the pudding? I remember one day

(18:10):
I am standing in the kitchen. I have just finished
a quarter pound Baby Ruth candy bar. Baby Ruth candy
bars in those days were so big that they came
with a shoulder holster. You carried him slung over your back.
When I had come home carrying two Baby Ruth candy
bars and a butter finger, so of course I was

(18:32):
loaded down. My muscles were aching, and I had just
put away one Baby Ruth candy bar. My stomach muscles
were distended. It was chocolate from my neck all the
way up to up to my ear lobes, and all
the way down to my navel. I'm standing there next
to the kitchen table. My mother is over there, bending

(18:54):
over the sink, working over the strainer. An apple core
had gotten stuck again, and she was working away there
with her brillow pad, wearing her orange Chineel bath robe,
but the egg clotted on to the pals. Her hair
was up in curlers. She was ready for the tocks
and the sound. I remember the tilt of her head.

(19:18):
If you can look at a person and you can
see the tilt of that person, the way they hold
their head, the way they hold their shoulders, you are
seeing that person. Forget what the eyes look like, forget it.
And I can see her kind of vaguely hunched a little,
tilted to the left and looking out over that dark
back yard. Mister Bruner's back yard was eternally dark and

(19:41):
criss crossed with innumerable tired old wash lines held up.
Do they still have wash poles held up? With wooden
washpoles with notches on the end. And Brunner is trying
to work his way through that spider web. It is
Saturday night. He has been hitting the jug. He's working
his way through the spider web, and suddenly Missus Brunner appears,

(20:05):
Missus Bruner, who always looks like a load of cantalopes
gone slightly bad, in a big burlap sack, with her
true story under one arm, her true romances under the other,
and the smell of Dutch cleanser around her. Missus Bruner
comes out of the back door, slams the screen with
that indignant female slam, and comes wandling down the back

(20:28):
steps and starts to untangle Brunner. And as she tries
to untangle him, the clothes poles keep flopping down, and
Brunner is getting sore. He has always made it every
Saturday night unassisted, and he is getting more and more entangled.
And finally my mother, after a judicious silence, says, too
many cooks spoil the broth. I says, what broth? One?

(20:55):
She says, Bruner has been hitting the soup again. Too
many cooks spoil the soup. The broth, she says, nothing.
Just looks and you could see this big ball of
axe out there, missus Bruner, mister Bruner in the clothes poles,
joined shortly thereafter by Junior with yips of joy. He

(21:15):
used to love to see his old man come home potted,
because he liked the way he walked. Then he walked
sideways and backwards at the same time, and would occasionally
roll like a beach ball. In fact, I remember one
day Junior Brunner came banging on the back Browner and says,
let's watch my old man. He's going to try to
go down to matting Les He's going to buy himself

(21:37):
a box of cut plug. And we followed him for
fourteen blocks. Matting Leaves was only a block and a
half away. He was crisscrossing, attacking into the wind. It
was a problem of navigation and also keel dragon difficult problem.
He was also dragging his anchor against the wind. Do

(22:00):
you know that mister Bruhner lived an entire life with
Hurricane Donna approaching him from all sides, no matter where
he was. And so I'm standing there and my mother
is looking out. She says, too many cooks spoil the broth. Says, now,
what do you mean? You will find out one day,

(22:23):
too many cooks spoil the braw And with that she
goes back to that strainer with her brillowpad, going with
the sink dripping. And I immediately forgot about it, and
when to work on my butter finger candy bar I
was preparing. It was an auduriayve for to night's course

(22:46):
of hash and red cabbage. Just the way of working,
Just the way of working and a way of being.
Alan Sterling looked around the cellar in which he lay.
It was brick paved, Its roof was formed by half
an arch. There was a very stout looking door in
the corner opposite that in which he found himself. An

(23:08):
unshaded electric bulb hung on a piece of flexible cable.
From the roof. He could trace the cable down the
sloping brickwork to a roughly hollowed gap through which it disappeared.
There was no furniture of any kind in the cellar,
but the place was singularly hot, and it seemed to
be informed by his ceaseless buzzing, which, however, presently he

(23:30):
identified with his own skull. He had an agonizing headache.
Raising his hand, he found a great lump immediately above
his left ear. The first idea which flashed through his
bemused mind was a message of thanksgiving. He must have
had a very narrow escape from death. And then came
the memories chaotic torturing, he had had flouret in his arms,

(23:55):
And then something had happened, What had happened? What it was?

Speaker 3 (23:59):
Beyond?

Speaker 2 (24:00):
He could recall nothing but the fact that she had
screamed unnaturally, that he had struggled with her, And then
there was a gap. And now where was this place
in which he found himself? Where had he been when
he had struggled with Lorette? She clutched his throbbing skull,
trying to force thought. Memories began to return to him
in fragments, bits and pieces, and then finally came the

(24:21):
complete story. He tried to stand up. The effort was
too much for his strength. He dropped back again upon
the stone pavement. My god, he had a devil of
a whack. Ginguly, he touched the wall, feel where am I?
And then he moved his hand up with the swelling
on a skull and leaned back against the wall again
and tried to think. Jourette was alive. Thank God for that.
But in some way she had changed toward him. I

(24:43):
wasn't quite sure about it, but for this he must
be thankful that she, whom he had thought was dead,
was alive. The minor difficult they, no doubt, would resolve itself.
Nayland Smith, of course, of course he had been with
Nayland Smith and Gallaho? What had become of Galaho? Above all?
Where was he? Where was he now this very moment?

(25:05):
Where was this unfurnished cellar located? He made another attempt
to stand up, but it was not entirely successful. He
was anxious to find out if that heavy door was
locked or bolted, but the journey, one of just four
short steps, was too much for him. He sank down
to the floor again, leaning back against the wall, the

(25:25):
throbbing in his head was all but unendurable, and the heat,
all the heat was stifling, unless, like the buzzing, it
was due to the internal conditions separate now from that buzzing,
which he knew to belong to his injured skulls. Sternly
became aware suddenly of a muted, roaring sound. It was
somewhere beneath him, beneath his feet. It was uncanny. When

(25:48):
first he accepted the reality of his existence, he was
dismayed for what could it be? What could it be?
Where could it come from? He was about to make
a attempt to stand up, when slowly a heavy door opened,
and a very tall, gaunt man stood at the opening

(26:08):
looking at him. He wore a long white linen coat,
linen trousers, and white rubber soled shoes. The coat tunic fashion,
was buttoned all the way to the neck, high right
under the chin, and a lean, sinewy neck supporting a
head which might have been that of Dante himself. The

(26:29):
brow was even finer than the traditional portraits of Shakespeare,
crowned with scanty, neutral colored hair. The face of the
white clad man was a wonderful face, and might once
have been beautiful. It was that of a man of
indeterminate age, heavily lined, but lighted by a pair of
such long, narrow, brilliant green eyes that one's thoughts flashed

(26:51):
to Satan Lucifer some of the morning, an angel, but
a fallen angel. His slender hands with long polished nails
were clasped quietly before him, And although no trace of
expression crossed that extraordinary face, perhaps a close observer watching
the green eyes might have said that the man motionless

(27:13):
in the doorway was vaguely surprised. Alan Sterling succeeded in
his third attempt to stand up. It was very unsteady,
but by means of supporting himself against the wall with
his left hand, he succeeded in standing upright, and so
standing he faced doctor Fu Manchu. The fact that you

(27:35):
are alive. The words came sibilantly from thin lips which
scarcely seemed to move surprises me. Sterling stared at the speaker.
Every instinct in his mind, his body, his soul prompt
to kill him, kill him. But Sterling knew something of
doctor Fu Manchuu, and he knew that he must temporize.

(28:00):
I am surprised, too, he said, His voice shook and
he hated his weakness. The green eyes watched him hypnotically. Sterling,
leaning against the wall, wrenched his gaze away. It was
a physical effort. It is not my custom. The harsh
voice continued to employ coarse methods. You were to put

(28:23):
it bluntly, bludgeoned in rowan house your constitutional and Sterling
must resemble that of a weason. I had intended to
incinerate your body. I am not displeased to find that
life survives, nor am I said Sterling, calculating his chances

(28:45):
of a swift spring and a blow over the heart
of this this fiend, whom he knew to be of
incalculable age, and then a hook to that angular jaw,
and a way to freedom would be open. With the
instinct of a boxer, he had been watching the green
eyes whilst these thoughts had flashed through his mind, and
now he said, you could not strike me over the heart.

(29:06):
Suddenly said doctor Fullmanchuu, you could not stripe me over
the heart. I am trained in more subtilets than the
crudities of boxing have ever appreciated. As to your second blow, aimed,
I believe at my jaw this would not occur you
would be dead for a moment, a long, heavy moment.

(29:30):
Alan Sterling hesitated, in fact, until the uncanny quality of
these words had penetrated to his brain. And then he realized,
and others long before him, had realized eternally, that doctor
Fu Manchu had been reading his thoughts perfectly. He stood
quite still while he was recovering from the effects of

(29:50):
the assault, which had terminated his memories of Rowan House,
and now was capable of standing unsupported, however shakily. There
is a monastery in Tibet. It is called Rasai Couran.
Those who have studied under the masters of Rassie Kuran

(30:10):
have nothing to fear from Western violence. Forget your projects,
rejoice only that you live, if you value your life.

(30:31):
It seems suddenly that Alan Sterling was enveloped by an
uncanning intelligence that seeped through the very clothing he wore.
It was as though suddenly he blacked out. Darkness, great
calming fiends and darkness surrounded him and within him thrice

(30:52):
a note of a sounding toxin. He found himself standing
on a wooden platform, clutching a the iron rail. He
now knew where he was, and looking down upon a scene,
which reminded him of nothing so much as an illustration
of Dante's in front of itself. Dim figures in humans,

(31:12):
strangely muffled, like animated Egyptian mummies, moved far below. Sometimes
they were revealed when the door of some kind of
furnace was opened, disappear again, like phantom forms of a nightmare,
when the door was closed and a stifling, stifling, wretched
heat rose from the pit. The simile of a mummy
has occurred to you, said the voice of doctor Finanshu,

(31:34):
out of the darkness, that strange voice which stressed gutturals
and lent simblance of quality rarely heard in the voice
of an English speaker. You are anxious to find out
the facts you are ignorant of ancient Egyptian which you
and all other images would occur to your spelling.

Speaker 5 (31:52):
In front of fact.

Speaker 2 (31:53):
These workers are protected against the poisonous fumes generated at
certain facts in the experiment now.

Speaker 7 (32:00):
In place below and before your very eyes.

Speaker 2 (32:03):
These gases do not recast, yet they are consumed by
a simple process and dispersed by means of at innerlation staff.
They continue to be set.

Speaker 7 (32:15):
It will have no other charge.

Speaker 2 (32:32):
Any power. Once give your power something which nearly see
said long and mom Ago is quite honus, who recall
when King President the voice speA under times over a
hill which we have looked at every morning for months together,

(32:54):
on the roof of a building in which we walk davy.
There are secret things which we don't even expect to.
Doctor Fu Manchu has made it his business to seek
out these sacred things. And here was that theory demonstrated.
He was in a trap. He hadn't the remotest idea
of where he was. This ghastly place might be anywhere

(33:14):
within a fifty mile radius of the house in Surrey.
He must wait for a suitable opening. He must try
to plan ahead. He went on down the steps. The
heat grew greater and greater. Doctor Fu Manchue followed him.
Stop stop, the harsh voice directed, and Sterling stopped. One
thing there was which gave him power to control his emotion,

(33:37):
which gave him strength to temporize, patience to wait. Florette
was alive. She was alive. Some wizardry of this Chinese
physician had perverted her outlook. He Sterling had seen such
cases before in households belonging to doctor Fu manchue. The
man's knowledge was stupendous. He could play upon the strongest

(33:59):
personality as a musician plays upon an instrument. You will
presently observed something phenomena, the high voice continued, something which
has not occurred in several centuries, the mating of the
elements at the moment of friends mutation. The fumes to

(34:20):
which I have referred escaped to a certain extent from
the furnace, looking down the darkness. My facilities here are limited,
and I am using primitive methods. I am cut off
from my once great resources to a certain extent by
the activities of your friend Nayland Smith. He stressed this word,

(34:46):
speaking it on the very high note, Sir Nayland Smith.
But it is possible to write a fire by rubbing
two pieces of wood together, and doctor Fullman Shoes was
about to do that. He pointed down into the fiery
hell of the seeding calum, the lawn, the fires of unions,

(35:14):
brilliant man, the freedom man. The heat of the furnace
as they descended nearer and nearer, was becoming almost undurable.
But now came a loud and vicious crack, the clang
of metal, and the door was suddenly thrown open.

Speaker 3 (35:28):
Blaze of light from the right hot flowed across the floor.

Speaker 2 (35:31):
Below mummy alike figures. You did it to a concern
to resemble each of the woodcuts of antique obscenities. They
approached that miniature hell, now extending instruments resembling long, narrow
carved tongs. From the white heat of the furnace, they
grabbed what looked like a fall of light and lowered
it to the floor. The furnace doors were closed again

(35:54):
by two more mummy like figures, which appeared out of
the shadows. The scene then became more and more fantastic.
The incandescent globe was suddenly shattered where it had been.
Sterling saw a number of objects resembling streaks of molten meadow, metal, metal,
and crept along the fern are urnable, dim and more
dim his sweat, said doctor Fuman, when engage your attention,

(36:18):
good jack, you have broke me, interfered with my plans
of the past, and I might justrate and perhaps raise
to you. Unfortunately, I am short of labor at the moment,
and you are a physically strong man. You mean that
you are going to make me work down in that hell,
I fear it must be so, continued to the base

(36:43):
of the stairs immediately, and Sterling descending round himself at
the bottom of the huge black shaft, the furnace was closed,
the inferno dimly lighted. Not one of the mummy rap
figures was to be seen, but the heat, oh, the
heat of turnal sloped the way in his right far
down at the solitary lantern appeared as if to indicate
its clammy extent, For he could see this tunnel drip

(37:04):
with moisture, and its floor was flooded in places. A
grateful coolness was perceptible at the entrance to this unwholesome
looking burrow. You will observe that the temperature is lower
here than on the stairs. We are actually one hundred
and twenty feet below the surface.

Speaker 4 (37:23):
We will return.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
To get authory, Doctor fu manchoos or the quality which
created awe without making for resentment Sterling had experienced in
the past. This imposition of this fease gigantic will. The
power of doctor f Manchoo's commands lay in his acceptance
of the fact that they could not nor would they
ever be seriously questioned. The pass that's gonna be get

(37:56):
it up. It may it wish you to learn that
Roman flesh is excellent fuel. In relation to this particular experiment,
Sterling matal reply. The implication was one who had not
cared to developon. He remembered that doctor Fu Manchu had said,
I had intended to incarcerate your body.

Speaker 4 (38:17):
And to finally incinerate it.

Speaker 2 (38:21):
These stairs, with their rusty hand grys seemed all of
it and turmoil. This scent had been bad enough that
this return journey followed on the terrible spectrum below was worse.
Vague gleams from the pit fitfully lighted the darkness, and
from behind doctor Fu Manchu directed a light upon the
cruel wooden steps. Suddenly stop, the imperious voice directed. There

(38:44):
came a sound of rapping on the door, that of
a bolt shot free, a faint creeping step back and
face bow your head, and Gordden s Alon. Sterling began
to lose consciousness. Suddenly, a dark green, probly insinuating intellectual
fog began to envelop his body, his mind, his soul,

(39:06):
his veritable animals being. And he knew, he knew, he
knew that this time there was no returning. He had
begun to merge interminably slowly. He had begun to merge
with the mind of doctor Fu Manchu himself. He had
begun to merge not only with this fiend's mind, but

(39:27):
what his devilishly uncanny will alan stirring you, that he
had become doctor Fu Manchu himself, speaking of fiendish infernos.

(39:53):
This is w R am F New York. The point
being here, don't for one minute think you have a
new trouble jacket. Don't did you? Would you anywhere along
the line, did you have feelings that somehow this whispered
me year that you were looking your boss right in
the eye. There's Russ done by foot. Rus had this kitten,

(40:18):
see about ten minutes ago up here, just a kitten,
and he's trying to pedal this cat. He's trying to
get a home for him, and I casually marked as
is my wont it's sad you know, to be pettled,
he says, yes, But the cat, you see, has the
advantage of not knowing he's being pettled, whereas all of

(40:41):
us know very well that we are. By the way,
how much are you going for these days? Are you
listed on the big boarder? Are you sold over the curb.
I mean, if life is a gigantic basire and there

(41:01):
are Fifth Avenue shops where people are sold and bought,
and there are chet shops on fifty seventh Street where
people are sold and bought in this vast bazaar of life.
Do you have the suspicion that you are for sale
in a discount house that deals in nothing but cheap
plastic novelties on sixth Avenue? Where is the deal consummated?

(41:28):
How much are you bringing? How much are you bringing
these days?

Speaker 3 (41:34):
Are you a fair traded item?

Speaker 2 (41:39):
Or are you one of those?

Speaker 5 (41:40):
Maybe?

Speaker 2 (41:40):
Perhaps, and this is the saddest thought of ball Could
it be very well that you are the second feature
on a tie in sale? Could that be possible? I mean,
just a suggestion. I don't wish to imply anything here.
You know, I'm watching I'm watching the ball game today.
And the reason I watch ball games is because it's

(42:00):
all there. All you got to do is have the
eye to look for it. It's all there. And this
ballplayer gets up, you know, and he's tapping his bat
on the on the old plate. You know, he's up
there and flexing his muscles before he walks up. He's
on the odd deck circle, you know, and he's got
the leaded bat and he's a couple of big old fungos,
and he's swing him there and he's moving his shoulders

(42:22):
back and forth, and he's tugging at his hat. And
finally he gets up there and he begins to dig
in and he looks down to the pitcher and then
there was a strange movement, something was happening, and he
analysis says, oh ah, they're sending him a pinch hitter
for Charlie. Charlie didn't know it yet. And then you

(42:44):
see the manager say something down to the dug out,
and you see this other guy come out Charlie pretending
it didn't mean anything to him. He hits his shoes
a little bit, you know, They get the dirt out,
walks back into the dug out, and is not seen
again that day. Have you ever had a sneaking suspicion
in any minute now you are about to be pulled

(43:06):
for a pinch hitter, a one seventy two swinger in
a world of two eighty hitters. And that whenever, whenever
the chips are down, whenever anything really counts, they run
the pinch hitter in on you. On the other hand,
you know, wouldn't it be great to be standing up
there and they look down at you in this thing.

(43:27):
That's Charlie down there and the catcher and the picture
exchanged exchange signals, and they are walking you intentionally. He's
too dangerous. Can't give this guy a chance to get
that's the final accolade. And then you pretend you're mad.

(43:48):
Come like like today there was a guy who intentionally walked,
and every angle of his shoulder betrayed disappointment. He's hollering
out the picture and he's howering walking in. Potentially they're
three feet away from the place they're throwing the ball on.
He loved every minute about it. He gets down on
first base there you talking, He kicks the bag, tugs

(44:12):
it has happening, quintin base. What a great moment, believe me.
But then on the other hands, there's there's the other
there's the other side of it, the other side of it.
Can't you just see yourself?

Speaker 3 (44:28):
This is part of your life, you know, this is it.

Speaker 2 (44:30):
You're up there back there's a running around third base,
there's a running around first and you're standing there and
the chips are down. They've decided to let you swing away.
That's when the fear starts to gnade your violence. You
get the signal from the third base coach and he says,
swing away, Charlie, swing away. You are one run behind

(44:52):
the tying runners on third. The lead run is on first.
You represent it is not now the first half of
the ninth ink, and you're digging in. The fear is
biting at your very vitals. There are there are two
men on the Pitcher throws in a high, fast inside ball.

Speaker 3 (45:11):
You duck away from a ball, Watton.

Speaker 2 (45:15):
Maybe I can work them for a walk. Maybe I
can check him a hill, look a walk. Butcher gets
his sign, bends down into it. Fingers of the rosendag
a bit, spits up, a rubber steps in. He winds up.
There's the pitch inside corners corner. It's playing it cagey right. Okay,

(45:41):
Your hands are beginning to sweat. The fear is gnawing
at your vitals even more. You glance down. The third
base coach runs his fingers across his shoulder, pulls at
his elbow, flicks at his ear, and that means hit away, Charlie.
It's you or nobody.

Speaker 3 (45:56):
Hit away, swing away, We're coming on you.

Speaker 2 (45:59):
Why clap says, hell's going on.

Speaker 5 (46:04):
Down from him?

Speaker 2 (46:07):
I would we spill again? Picture winds up? Where is
back into its fall? To'm ahead of him? I am
ahead of him. I am ahead of him. Had her

(46:32):
back in columbus four hundred and thirty seven feet. This
guy is no better than that. Digging in the sweat
is beginning to subside a little bit now the pictures down,
but we's taking a short lead off, dancing back and forth,
old friends down there. Well look out, fred, I'm lible
to lace one down that left field line. I'm liable

(46:53):
to umlible. Just you know you stand back up? Picture
winds up? Here there comes here, here we go scrap too,
know I should have pulled my swing. This guy doing
pulling a spinner on me, and hey up but crying

(47:16):
out loud of this guy's got a spinner. Watch that spidder,
then curve three and a half feet. This guy's throwing
a spinner. I can trust left hand, who dishonest every morning,
the spinner and watch it. He can't tune into him.
Wind up the future, waited out, waited out, hold back,

(47:39):
hold back home man, he's wire hold back all three
cag is the next one too.

Speaker 3 (47:55):
He'll see who's gonna crack. He's gonna step out of
the box.

Speaker 2 (48:00):
Were unnerves here, I'm gonna show this guy with your
nervous he steps out of the box or cracks his shoes,
dirt out of my splanks and give me the rowsome bag.

Speaker 3 (48:17):
Chip the sign swing away and I'll swing away.

Speaker 2 (48:24):
All right. That's the wind up from the pitch. Here
it comes flowing inside. Ah, this is it again, slow
rolling ball.

Speaker 3 (48:32):
That's yourna stop pretty.

Speaker 6 (48:35):
Old a second runs out a way ha way ha huh.

Speaker 2 (48:43):
Don't don't look back, don't look back, Just keep right
on going out center field. Grab your glove, don't look back,
don't look back.

Speaker 3 (48:50):
It happens to the best of 'em.

Speaker 2 (48:51):
Yeah, happens to the best of 'em. Hey, party to
bring old Pete? Did you bring Okay? I don't know what.

Speaker 3 (49:03):
We all go green or not.

Speaker 6 (49:06):
They said, now let's sit down over here a.

Speaker 2 (49:08):
Little bit, and they get the guy all up. There's
no seat, no money, man, Yeah, oh no there word.

(49:49):
This is no te thom, this is no te I

(50:19):
hear you're talking, man, I mean, seriously, have you ever
heard a better record than this? I mean, this is
what he's saying it now, if you come right around
and being this is come right on.

Speaker 4 (50:38):
And coming on right run, that bad man got him
in the blow now, I don't know, Yeah, they got it.

Speaker 2 (50:50):
I mean, isn't that a great record? You mind? You
understand why I watch baseball and we'll throw that away.
I mean, this is this is the last of the
Sunday night shows. And for those of you who have
been following this for some times, I would like to

(51:11):
say that beginning next week, beginning next Sunday, I will
be on from twelve to fifteen to four. I just
hope a few of you listen. It's all ed I
don't know, you know, I don't think anybody ever will know.

(51:32):
I don't care whether you're Edward R. Murreau or Elsa Maxwell.
Nobody will ever really, in the end know what it's
all about. And nobody ever will in the end know
anymore than a little tiny It's a wee bit of
what is all to be known, and in the end

(51:53):
all to be known goes on forever, and you'll finding
no one can know ever any all that could be known.
I say this except that the firmament stretches on the
mount and mount, and we are so small that that
the that the thing I think, this human stuffy, there's
this this beautiful, wild, exultant sad URIs and all the

(52:18):
other adjectives. And yet at the same time, even more,
which is in every one of us, we find that
is expressed, that can be expressed, and is expressed by
hundreds of millions.

Speaker 3 (52:35):
The reefs are so.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
Many in this this giant, this giant blossom, but none
of us can never possibly comprehend any small paddle or leaf.
And to listen to these guys, I mean, let's listen
to these guys. I mean, just just listen. It's they're
saying one small part of it. And you know, the

(53:05):
sad part of it is is that we turn continually
deaf ears to ourselves, that some friendly little old lady
will immediately write me and say, oh, mister Sheppon, I
can't understand the abominable music you play. But she's talking
about the abominable spirit of men. Surely is you know,

(53:29):
Come on, fellows, we're listening. Oh, listen to that. Listen
to that mouth organ man, he is pumping that mouth
orbon he is playing it and singing it out at
the same time. He'll never make the Sullivan Show. In fact,
he's been dead for thirty years. Thirty years ago he

(53:51):
said this, Are you aware of that?

Speaker 3 (54:11):
This is come right around and being lift, Come right around.

Speaker 2 (54:13):
The bluff to call it. I got him in the glove. Now, yeah,
they got him, They got him. You know what they
were singing about? You want you want to hear what
they were singing. You know what he was imitating. He

(54:34):
was imitating the sound of a foxhound. Now set it
back again. There he was imitating. Now listen, care for
they're they're on a run.

Speaker 4 (54:48):
Lift come right around and being lift, Come right around
bluff to call him.

Speaker 3 (54:51):
I believe they caught him.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
That he's coming out of bandon, got him in the bluff.
Now we got him. I got him. That's the train
called whoa. Yeah, they got it. See, don't put it down, madam.
See you didn't know what you were talking about. Again,
When are you going to learn that this was not gibberish.
This had a lot more meaning than Montevane playing tee

(55:15):
for two a thousand times over. Has it ever recurred
to you that the barbarians are there at the gates.
They are at the gates, but they're all on tape,
I mean, you know, or on film. You want to
hear that again. I mean, it doesn't make any difference.
We're all here together. We're all just sitting here scratching,

(55:37):
not that I'm And by the way, since it's since
it's now twenty four, twenty five minutes after eleven, we
might another question. I'd like to ask, did anyone bother
to check whether anybody was at the Village Voice? Was
anyone at the Village Voice tonight? Do you know? Three

(55:58):
weeks ago I gave the phone numb to talk for
fifteen minutes about everybody should call the voice, and six
hundred and eighty seven guys called, and they got nothing
but the nothing signal down there. The voice had forgotten
to come to work. I can I assure you this
is never going to happen at the times they all
slept in. And believe me, when the Village Voice sleeps in,

(56:19):
it sleeps in. Said when someone, please tell me whether
they were there. I mean, just give him a call
and say you're there, aren't You don't ask for subscription,
just say you were there, weren't you really, it's Watkins
four four six six nine say we were sorry if
we bothered you. We just wanted to check is everything

(56:42):
okay down there? Speaking of everything okay, we have with
us tonight old Worth Perfume, our old friends Worth Perfume
and Don Landsman, who Worth is this kind of product? Now?
Listen careful. Don sent me a letter which I'm going

(57:03):
to have to absolutely relay to you. Don was looking
through one of the catalogs recently, and in this catalog
they had the newest of the new toys. Have you
seen it? It's a series of little moles which a
kid can use out on the beach to mold sand castles,

(57:28):
pre fab sand castles, kind of like that idea pre
fab sand castles that even your sand castle now has
a close resemblance to your neighbor's sand castle. It said,
It has moats, it has the whole business keeps and dungeons,
and they're all easily made by any child with a

(57:50):
minimum of technical assistance, a minimum of technical assistance to
make a sand castle. And so Don sent me this note.
He says, where we will it all end? He says,
I see the days just ahead when they're going to
have kite ranges, and there's going to be a whole
group of kites up in the air that have been

(58:10):
put up there by tall, thin counselors. And it'll say, kids,
hold the kite for fifteen minutes. Don't have any of
that that sickening business of running around and getting up
a sweat and getting the kite up and then having
it get stuck in the telephone wires. Hire a kite
for fifteen minutes. Bring your dad along. Just twenty five
cents for fifteen minutes for a genuine four and a

(58:33):
half foot bird kite. You know, I've got some clown
is sitting out there and he's driving along in his murket.
He says, that's not a bad idea a kite range.
Where will it all end? Where will it all end? Well,
I don't know, don Where will it all end? I've
often wondered. And we would like to point out that

(58:55):
we have with us tonight Worth perfume. They are back
for the fall. And in case you don't know this product,
I can only say that Worth is a two officionados
perfume and in Europe is one of the most important
of the select perfumes, and a couple of years ago,
in fifty eight at the Brussels Exposition, they won one

(59:17):
of three gold medal awards that were awarded in the
Luxury product class. Just two other products in the field
won these awards. It's a magnificent product. And if you're
a perfume type, I would suggest you find out about work.
You'll find it on sale at all the best perfume
counters everywhere. I have no idea though, howeverywhere it will

(59:38):
all end. Oh, yes, this is a series. I do
have an ida or two I want to do. I
think this is the first night that we have felt
in the air the actual feeding of true fall. I mean,
it feels like fall. And there's a certain exhilaration about fall.

(01:00:01):
Do you notice that? And also a certain kind of oh,
a dark tasting sadness, both at the same time. None
of these things do you ever feel about spring? These
things you never feel about the onslaught of winter either,
only fall. Have you have you observed that most of

(01:00:23):
the writers who really deal with the inside the terrible
furnaces that go on inside of it. You know, there
are all kinds of writers. There are carpenters, there are technicians,
there are people of He said, yes, that's quite true.
Russ came in here and had to be a note

(01:00:44):
and read somebody said fall is the springtime of a mind.
There is much that's quite true, because you know, the
one thing that people miss when they go into the
tropics is not winter but fall. Fall is an exciting time.
But like most exciting times, there is also the implied

(01:01:09):
stream of danger. There is the implied because nothing will
ever excite you unless there is danger involved. Nothing. Life
would be dead if there was no danger ever in it,
it would not exist, it would be impossible to exist.
And so fall is a dangerous because after all, winter
is the dangerous time, and fall is the exciting time

(01:01:33):
for the dangerous. For the sense also ready, a profound
sense that time has passed, he says, when you ready
know it, you see in spring, you have the feeling
the time is beginning. All in fall time has passed.
And all the writers who have looked into that inferno,
that dark, that dark, snarling fire that's inside of all

(01:01:58):
of us, all of them, almost without exception, have written
great lengths and great strange, ambiguous things about fall. Thomas Wolf,
for example, and is October World. Wolf always was hung
up on October and it's just impossible to escape October,

(01:02:18):
and fall has begun. Now. The Japanese haiku poets, it's
interesting that their poetry follows very distinctly the seasons one
after the other, because all men know them, even if
they live in the tropics, they know fall. Even if
they miss it, they know it. In fact, if you've

(01:02:39):
missed it, you often know it more so. And so
the seasons are there, you know, summer, the winter, the
spring of the fall, the repetition of these seasons. And
they knew that this would be true all the time, always, forever, ever, ever,
that these things would happen to them. That's why you
can read a haiku poet who wrote two hundred years ago,

(01:03:00):
and he's saying he's saying the same thing, no question
about it. It's like riding on a It's like writing
on a ferris wheel. You know. The ferris wheel gives
you the sense of moving, It gives you the feeding
that you are getting somewhere, but you're not just returning,
always eternally to the same spot, up and down, up

(01:03:20):
and down, back and forth, up and down, And each
point on that inscribed circle is different from the point
before it, and when you arrive at the top, it's
not really the top. It's just another point of a circle.
It just seems to be the top. You could flip
the circle over and the bottom then becomes the top,
just goes around and is exactly the same. It's the
position in space that makes the difference, not the circumference

(01:03:45):
of the circle, that little fine edge. By the way,
is this getting hypothetical for you out there, But I
will say this that the Haiku poets dealt with this
very much so. And someone asked me, you know, I
had a very wild experience. I just got back from
Guantanamo Bay two nights ago. I just I was chased

(01:04:08):
north by Hurricane Donna, and I was I was involved
there at the naval base. And all these people are
kind of isolated, and they're living on the edge of strange,
kind of unknown, peculiar isolation, and they're all Americans. And
I'm sitting I'm sitting late at maybe three o'clock in

(01:04:29):
the morning, I'm sitting at a in the in the AOQ,
which is barracks there, and there was a little pool
hall there and everything is dark, and the coke machine
is going off and on and a the ward boy
had left and everything was quiet, and I'm sitting there
in a wicker chair and a guy comes in wearing
a g suit and he sits down and he looks

(01:04:54):
at me and he says, are you Rudy Shepherd. I
says yeah. He says, you're really Shepherd, I mean Shepherd
from the radio. I says yeah. And this kid looked
like Andy Hardy. There was a cornball scene and he's
wearing this suit. You said it wasn't a jesuit. Actually

(01:05:15):
it was just a flying cover off with the May
West under And he introduced himself and he says, I'm
a listener man. I says, how did you get here
flying this helicopter? He's flying an hrs. I don't know.
He said, you know, it's a funny thing. Me and

(01:05:36):
this chick out on Long Island every Sunday night. We
used to go along and listen together. He says. I
would go out and I'd see this chick and he says,
I'm going to Adelphi College and I used to listen.
And he said, I remember more than anything else. I remember, Oh,
I remember a lot of things. I remember the time
you were trying to figure out how great Neck got

(01:05:58):
its name. And then you told them how great Neck
got its name. About this giant neck that appeared one
day and all the natives saw it, that became great Neck.
And he says, I remember this, I almost ran into
a tree.

Speaker 5 (01:06:11):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (01:06:12):
And We're sitting there for hours, and then finally he
says to me, look, one thing I want to ask you.
I want to ask you about hiku. He says, do
you need he dig this?

Speaker 3 (01:06:23):
And I says, what do you mean to do?

Speaker 2 (01:06:24):
I did it all right, That's why I do it.
He says, well, I'll tell you. He says, I couldn't
get over hearing this, and I just wanted to make
sure you just weren't doing it. I says that. I
says what we distrust every we distrust ourselves now. And
then he began to quote various haiku that I had

(01:06:46):
read about the frog and the pond, a big old boss.
He says, I remember that, boy, and I realized how
this stuff really does do it. I'm sitting there in
Guantanamo Bay and that's all this poor guy can think of.
He wants to talk all night, and I say, look,
you're gonna fly at six in the morning, and I'm

(01:07:08):
I'm taking a MAT's flight out of here, and I
gotta go. And so finally he went. He went back
to his He went back to his room, and I
went to mine. At three o'clock in the morning, it's
already it's already three, and by four o'clock they're shaking me,
shining lights in my face. And I go out and
howling winds are whistling across and I go down to
this little airfield and who is there but this guy Mike,

(01:07:30):
and he's in his orange suit and he's got this
big orange helmet on and he's trying to get his
HRS started. And the next thing I know, I'm in
the back of this thing and we're flying over the
choppy waters and the wind is blowing us back and
forth thirty five forty knots, and he's sitting up in
the front driving this mad thing. We finally arrive at
Leeward Island. We sit down on this thing and he

(01:07:51):
gets out of the front of it and he says, look,
he said, you know when I get back, When I
get back, I'm gonna call you. I says, fine, good good.
He says, oh, by the way, do you remember the
one about the flee, about the flee, that the one
where Esa says, turnover, flee, I'm gonna turn over. Be careful,
there's gonna be an earthquake. And and then I'm turning over.

(01:08:13):
I says yeah. He says wow, And the wind is blowing.
He gets back into the HRS and the way he
goes back over the ocean again. So I just want
you to know there's a listener down there in the dark.
Do you want to hear some fall haiku? Eh? All
this is not worth perfume? Do you want to record it? All? Right?

(01:08:38):
This is this is fail haiku? Do you want to
hear what the what the Japanese poets said about fall?
You see, they didn't really say this about faul speak
you of poets. This is w o R A M
and FM, New York. It's a vast strange trinity. The
w O R is blowing from morning till night. I
can't quite figure out what the opus is all about it.

(01:09:00):
It does have something to do with an albatross hanging
around everybody's neck here. Have you ever heard this phrase
in your life? Of course, if it was up to me, Charlie,
things would be different around here. But it isn't up
to me. This is the albatross. It's not up to anybody.

(01:09:20):
You get up to the top guy and he's fall.
Of course, you know it was up to me. My
hands are tied. So you can understand what we mean
by albatroy, which is the plural of albatrosses. Now, i'd
like to point out that before we go any further,

(01:09:42):
that the Japanese didn't really say anything about faul. They
didn't really say anything about winter. They use them as
points of reference. This is gonna be for sir, m

(01:10:03):
spring summer. Naturally it should follow. Ah, yes, listen to this.
Listen to this, please, Eduardo, if you will. You got
my thing up there? Well, what's the matter with you
two guys? What are you waiting for? You know what
happens when we have however, what's the matter with you
people in there? Heaven's sake, I'm surprised at you. You

(01:10:28):
don't play Chinese opera music with haiku? Come on now,
I might as well get a tap dancer going.

Speaker 3 (01:10:34):
Behind me here.

Speaker 2 (01:10:40):
Oh, listen to that. An incident may have not a
Japo file, but this happens to be about something that
is very basic that it has nothing to do with nationality,
It has nothing to do with race, creed, religion. It
has to do with living in lantern light. My yellow

(01:11:05):
chrysanthemums lost all their color. Mourning misted street with white ink,
and artist brushes a dream of people magnificent. That's bussan
to this morning, misted street with white ink. An artist

(01:11:27):
brushes a dream of people at Nara Temple, fresh scented
chrysanthemums and ancient images. An old tree was felled, echoing dark,
echoing thunder in the hills. You see, that's not about

(01:11:51):
a tree at all. Be careful, daddy, These people speak
with forked tongue. An old tree was felled, echoing dark,
echoing thunder in the hills. Heat Waves to Heaven rising

(01:12:15):
from the ruined hearts of three thousand homes. That is
about the great fire that burned a town. Chiki wrote
that one heat waves to heaven rising from the ruined
hearts of three thousand homes. Chanting at the altar of

(01:12:38):
the Inner sanctuary, a cricket priest. Isn't that a lovely
little image? Chanting at the altar of the Inner sanctuary?
A cricket priest. That's isa, of course, sad twilight trick

(01:12:59):
with this, well, this is a neat, This is an
image that fits together like a like a jigsaw puzzle.
Sad Twilight cricket. Yes, I have wasted once again those
daylight hours. You see, everybody has the secret sense that
he's wasting his life. Sad twilight cricket, Yes, I have

(01:13:27):
wasted once again those daylight hours. A sudden shower, terrified loud,
idiot ducks high tailing home my melons that you stole
last year. This year I place upon your grave, my son.

(01:13:51):
On these rainy days, that old poet Riocon wallows and
self pity, waderful picture. Rio Kan wrote that by the
way he says on these rainy days, that whole poet
Rio Kon wallows and self pity, he looks out at
the rain. I mean that was written about one hundred

(01:14:15):
and fifty years ago, you know, and I have seen
many a guy standing at the corner of forty seventh
in Madison looking out of a window at the rain
coming down on the tops of Madison Avenue buses, wallowing
in self pity, pitiful, fearful. These poor scarecrows look like
men in autumn moonlight?

Speaker 3 (01:14:38):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:14:39):
Is that a one with a double barbed hook? Listen
to that pitiful fearful These poor scarecrows look like men
in autumn moonlight. Wow, that was shiki. We stand still

(01:15:01):
to hear tinkle of far temple bell, willow leaves falling.
Are you afraid to die?

Speaker 3 (01:15:14):
Are you really?

Speaker 2 (01:15:18):
The evening breezes, water lapping lightly on the heron's legs sticks.
The wet kingfisher shakes his feathers in the late reflected sunlight. Oh,
that's a magnificent image. Have you ever seen a kingfisher?
A beautiful bird, a crested bird, a gray and white bird,

(01:15:41):
and they fly low over the water and they burrow
into the banks. The wet kingfisher shakes his feathers in
the late reflected sunlight. Don't you miss that? I mean,
don't you feel like you're missing something? Hanging around waiting
for a bus on Lexington Avenue, I mean, don't you
really an unending rain? The house pent boy is fretting

(01:16:07):
with his brand new kite. That's a beautiful image. Again,
you see that's not about a boy and a kite.
That's the eternal dream. Yes, I hear you. You are right,
that's right. I'm cut it out now, come on, if

(01:16:35):
you have said it. In the unending rain, the house
pent boy is fretting with his brand new kite. The
calling bell. The calling bell travels the curling mist ways

(01:16:56):
autumn morning, basho, night long in the cold. That monkey
sits conjecturing how to catch the moon. By the way,
this is the one that that helicopter pilot remembered. He says,
I'll never forget catching the moon. He says, I'm sitting

(01:17:19):
in this miserable bucket in a monkey suit, night long
in the cold, that monkey, that monkey sits conjecturing how
to catch the moon. Listen to this dark, unending night.
Once outside the paper screen a lantern passing. They have gone,

(01:17:46):
but they lit the garden lantern of their little house.
Look at now, that's about death, you know, and people
who have passed, because nobody ever really goes, you know,
because nobody ever really is here. That's the secret of

(01:18:08):
it all. They have gone, but they lit the garden
lantern of their little house. Chiki on one river bank
sunbeams slanting down, but on the other rain drops there
is fall blue sun supper in autumn flat light through

(01:18:34):
an open door from the setting sun. This is painting,
you know, literally painting. It's painting on your mind. September sunshine,
the hovering dragon flies, shimmering shadow. September sunshine, the hovering

(01:18:55):
dragon flies, shimmering shadow. You ever sat in a boat
with a long cane pull and watch the dragonflies light
along the edges of it and fall and just quiver there?
Do I dare depend upon you for firm friendship? Dear
morning glory, basho that morning glory is life? Do I

(01:19:23):
dare depend upon you for firm friendship? Dear morning glory.
A wind blown grass hovering mid air in vain, an
autumn dragonfly, a wind blown grass. Now the old scarecrow
looks just like other people drenching autumn rain. Here is

(01:19:50):
the dark tree, denuded now of leafage, but a million
stars shaky again, more and more. This guy, Chiki, I
think is one of the greatest of them all, died
in nineteen two.

Speaker 1 (01:20:06):
From September eighteenth, nineteen sixty. What not to name the Baby?
The water Polo, Game of Life, The New Jersey Effigy
Company after the four o'clock p m time tone, Mutual
Net News with Sanford Marshall has heard.

Speaker 2 (01:20:19):
Are you that? Are you that childish? You have completely
misunderstood me? Are you that childish? Some woman called it
and says, please say frustration. I've said it. Madam. You
mean to tell me that that's the one word you
wanted to hear on the radio. I said word. I
didn't say topic. I said word. What word would you

(01:20:43):
like me to say that you would never believe? Possible?
I want you to picture it now hanging over your radio,
that word. I have a sneaking suspicion that America is

(01:21:12):
almost exclusively peopled with grown up Bobbsey twins, exclusively peopled
with young men who in their youth were named Ned
the fun loving Rover, or Flora the serious Bobbsey. Now

(01:21:34):
come on, now, come on, I'll shake the dust where you.
You're alive, you fool. You're alive, and that is about
all you can count on. You can hope for other things,
you can dream about other things, you can even believe
in other things. But what can you count on that
you can hold in your hand? Yes, I am alive,

(01:21:56):
and even that is sometimes questionable, right, becoming more and more,
or so I mean more and more, the dream is
becoming a dream, a real dream, and you're walking through it.
So so you're walking through an eternal second act that
was badly written by a second rate playwright, and it's
being reviewed by top rung critics. Did you see the ad,

(01:22:20):
the full page ad in the New York Times book
review section. It was one of these ads that showed
the typical ad type housewife looking out of her typical
ad type housewife home. And she's got that kind of sharp,
faintly aggressive, vaguely neo maternal look about her. She's looking

(01:22:43):
out and underneath her, underneath the great, big old picture
of this chick is the statement, simply and clearly put
a new way to learn how to paint by painting masterpieces.
Right from the start, you see, the dream of America
is not to go from A through Z, but to

(01:23:05):
go from A to Z in one gigantic leap. This
is the dream of all of us. If somehow you
could write a best selling masterpiece novel without ever writing
the novel, this would be the ideal way to be
a writer. Because we believe in fame in America, we
don't believe in achievement. In fact, I heard the other day,

(01:23:29):
right on this very station, I heard a man being
interviewed by a person. And it wasn't long John. I
heard a man being interviewed by an interviewer type person,
and they talked about this man. They talked about his work,
they talked about how much of a celebrity he was.

(01:23:49):
And then afterwards, in quiet conversation, I heard it said that,
of course I've never read your plays, nor i've ever
seen them, but I just know you must be very good.
In other words, being a celebrity is much more important
than doing anything to be a celebrity. Brendan Behan is
a good example of that. How many people who are

(01:24:10):
writing about Brendan Behan have ever seen a Brendan Behan play.
How many of you have ever read any Brendan Behan?
How many of you even know what Brendan Behn writes about. Okay,
all you know is that Brendan Behn is a character,
and he'll be on the Jack Parr Show before the
week is out. That's enough. That's enough. Thank Heavens that

(01:24:35):
George Bernard Shaw was able to get all that writing
done before we discovered television. Bernard Shaw would have spent
all of his life sitting in on panels. He was
a born panel member. He was a born guest, but
he lived before they had discovered guest ship and panelship.
And I suspect that more writers are killed by television,

(01:24:57):
and are killed by the movies, and are killed by
the magazines, purely because of the hunt for the celebrity.
I think it's far more important to be Ernest Hemingway
than to write like Ernest Hemingway to most people today.
I foresee the day when Ed Sullivan is going to
look out from the screen and he's going to say,
and now, ladies and gentlemen, is part of our big show.

(01:25:21):
Here is a famous international act we're going to present
to you. Are you ready art, We're going to present Toyo,
a favorite that's been around for a long time, that
all of you have enjoyed for many, many years. Here
he is Ernie Hemingway. And the curtain will go back,
and Ernie Hemingway will be sitting there with his beard,
his shorts on, and his shirt hanging out of his pants,

(01:25:44):
looking fat and slightly bibulous, a little bit angry. And
Ernie will then write on the blackboard behind him one
Hemingway type sentence, like she said it was raining, the
rain came down the wine wise wood, and that cheese
was bidda. And then the crowd will applaud, the curtain

(01:26:06):
will come down, and Ed Suttivil will say, you've just
seen Ernie Hemingway, the famous international writing expert and the
international act that all of you have enjoyed for years.
Next week we're going to bring to you Bertrand Russell,
and Bertrand Russell will rustle for us for a few moments,
and in just a moment we'll bring you the Yale
marching team, followed by a Mercury automobile commercial. It's our

(01:26:29):
big charl tonight. Well, this is all part of the game,
you see. It's all part of getting from A to
Z without going through the various intermediary steps. This is
the steps that you know have to be true. Verised
that if there was such a school, and I see
it coming up very shortly, I see in our time,

(01:26:51):
I see a school that's developed completely and around the
whole concept of fame. They teach people how to be famous.
I can just see such a school fame taught thirty
easy lessons you two can get your name. In Dorothy
Kilgallon's column, you two can be seen lunching with a
starlet at Sardis. As a matter of fact, large numbers

(01:27:13):
of people have already discovered this principle. It would be
very interesting if I were to ask the average guy
who reads the average column just what some of these
people do, who are constantly being referred to in these columns,
who are constantly being seen on these shows. I mean,
are you sure you know exactly what Elsa Maxwell does?

(01:27:38):
Can you tell me you you really know what Betsy
Palmer really does or Maggie mcnellis, or any one of
the other great let's say the fame experts, the people
who are experts on being famous, And everywhere you look
you can see the jumping from A to Z that's

(01:28:00):
going on. Friends, there is a new way to learn
how to paint. Now you're going to ask me what
that way is, And I'm going to tell you what
that way is. It is by painting masterpieces right from
the start. Now, isn't that the kind of thing that
you've been looking for all of your life. I'm going
to read you the copy now, friends, I'm going to

(01:28:22):
read it to you so that you cannot mistake what
I am saying to you. How would you like to
paint a superb work of art in your very first attempt,
right in your own home. Not a beginner's exercise, No,
not a little sailboat sailing against the painted ocean. Oh no,
but a beautiful masterpiece that you will be proud to
hang in your home for all to see. And more amazing,

(01:28:45):
How would you like to have your success not just
assured all, but guaranteed. What does a man want more
in this life than guaranteed success? Even if you never
took a drawing lesson or held a brush in your
hand before all, this is no dream. Whatever your age,

(01:29:06):
your occupation, you can now join the happy thousands of
artists in the ages past who have painted masterpieces. You
can be one with Botticelli, who Trelio fan gov to
loose la trek Rembrandt. You can join that happy throng

(01:29:33):
jostling towards immortality. Oh yes, send your name and address
to Immortality wr nineteen Immortality. Try it for ten days,
guaranteed to be satisfied, rich experience that you will never forget.

(01:29:54):
Join the hall of fame. Oh yes. And then the
picture shows this woman. It shows this chick and she's
looking out, and she's painting very casually with a little
thin dime store brush, and she has a palette there,

(01:30:14):
and she has been tracing a drawing by Utrilio. She
has been tracing a drawing by Utrilio. And underneath it,
it says, you begin to understand as never before, the pathos,
the joy that you Trilio poured into his great work

(01:30:37):
as you trace it. Can't you see Utrilio sitting there,
drunk to the ears, eyes bred and bloodshot. Do you
know anything about malice Utrilio, his eyes bloodshot, watching this
housewife trace his suburban street? Yeah? Wait, wait what is

(01:31:05):
what is she doing? Or maybe even better better than that,
can't you see this tiny figure of the truncated true
loose la Trek to Latrek standing there next to the
television set with his little derby pulled down over his
beetling brows, standing there watching an American housewife in Westport

(01:31:25):
trace the sunflowers. Or even better than that, even better
than that, the picture of poor benighted, sad mad, fantastically
talented Van Guff standing there with a baggage over his ear,
watching a tall, thin man wearing a pair of loafers,

(01:31:48):
a pair of gray flannel trousers, and a lounging portrait
as he quietly as he quietly traces as he quietly
traces it out, Oh quietly traces out Van Guff's Sunflowers
to loose Latrex momar, all the joy and all the
pathos that went into it. Trace, Trace, You too can understand,

(01:32:14):
and you can go from point A to point B.

Speaker 3 (01:32:19):
Now that's what we want id froms.

Speaker 2 (01:32:33):
Hey baby, Hey, hey, hey, guess who? And I am awake. Hey,
you know, I'm laying in bed there, and I hear

(01:32:55):
you fooling around out here in the living room, and
I hear the rain coming down. Are you listening? Come on,
come on, put just just for this minute, put the
puzzle down, and I have something that I want to
say to you. I am laying back there on my

(01:33:21):
duff and for some reason or other which I cannot explain.
You know, baby, have you ever had these things that
suddenly appear to you in your mind, just a picture
of some crazy, disjointed thing that never had anything to
do with what you're doing, Just it suddenly appeared. You know, Well,
I'm laying in bed there a couple of minutes ago,

(01:33:41):
and I can hear you with the record player on,
with brew bec banging away, and with Desmond Toodle in
the way, and the rain coming down, and I hear
that guy swearing in the parking lot outside down the
air shaft. And suddenly, for some reason or other, this
crazy picture came to mind. Last week. I'm in the
build More, remember when I came home about three hours late.

(01:34:04):
While I'm in the Biltmore and I'm sitting there in
the lobby, you know that they've got this place in
the Builtmore, under the clock where f Scott Fitzgerald lost
his life, where all the chicks from Smith meet all
the guys from Harvard, and all the gals from Bennington
meet all the guys from Illinois Tech. Well, I go

(01:34:25):
in there about five point thirty and I sit down
at one of these itsy bitsy tables, the kind of
table that reminds you of Monopoly board. You know, it's
about the side of a little bottle cap that you
sit on your knee with. And this guy comes along
and he brings a couple of screwdrivers for me and Ed,
and we're sitting there and we're talking it over that's
funny bit, and we could not concentrate. And I suddenly

(01:34:47):
realized that all these people there are there are dozens
of them, all sitting around there in the Biltmore, and
they're having drinks, all kinds of chicks and all kinds
of guys, I mean, and most of the guys looked
at least twice as old as the chicks. And all
the chicks had a certain high, cheap boned look, a
kind of five point thirty builtmore look, you know what
I mean, a good bomb structure. And they're all sitting there,

(01:35:10):
and these guys were kind of graying at the temples
and they It was a fascinating thing. And it suddenly
occurred to me that I am right in the middle
of Deceptionsville. I mean, I'm right in the middle of Deceptionsville.
Now what I mean is this, Who are these people
and why are they that way? I mean, what brought

(01:35:33):
this chick to sit with this guy who's at least
old enough to be her father? I mean, this guy
who's sitting there, who looks like he has a year
round son tan, And what brought him to sit with
his chick? And here they are both of them sitting
there drinking martinis, and they are walking along the edge

(01:35:53):
of a kind of great gulf of danger, and both
of them know it. Say, this chick knows that this guy,
you know, it's like playing with fire, and this guy
knows that this chick is explosive. You know, Baby, I'm
going to tell you something. I'm a man, you see,
and I can tell you something about being a man,
if you're interested, if you want to listen. Are you aware,

(01:36:15):
And I have to say this, I have to say
it clearly. Are you aware that some chicks when they
walk down the street spell DA, N G E R.
I mean these are the kind that fold right out
of Playboy magazine every month. I mean they just it's
they just exuded danger. Look I am not now stop it, now,

(01:36:44):
cut it out.

Speaker 4 (01:36:45):
Now.

Speaker 2 (01:36:45):
I am not talking specifically about you. All I could
say is what my mother used to say. She used
to say, if the shoe fits, what made you think
I'm discussing you? But I will have to admit, baby,
that they're There are certain bells. I'll shut up, Brubeck.
There are certain bells. There are certain danger signals, certain

(01:37:06):
I'll whistle, there are certain overload relays that go off
when you walk into a room. I mean, you know,
let's face it, I'm going to tell you something. I
go into room with you. I don't care whether there
are a thousand guys three feet tall within five minutes
twenty four guys think that any minute now something is
going to happen between you and them. How do you

(01:37:33):
think that makes me feel? Right? For the first time
you have laid it out there right, Yes, okay, But
now here's the point. This is the thing that I
would like to say. Where were you at three point
thirty this afternoon when I called here this afternoon? I mean,

(01:38:02):
you know, I'm just sitting there and I'm beginning to
realize that half of these chicks that are there are
supposed to be somewhere else, and half of these guys
are half ninety percent of them are supposed to be someone,
and someone is believing that they are somewhere else. You
hear what I'm saying. Look, I know you were at

(01:38:27):
Cristides at five point thirty getting some Pascal salery or
is it lettuce or is it olives? Now, I know
you were getting a carton of cigarettes. I will accept that.

(01:38:47):
I guess what I'm saying, is that nobody really wants
to know. Ever, you see what Sunday afternoon does. It's
a rotten time? Maybe how many letters? Six letters? A

(01:39:09):
six letter word meaning what?

Speaker 5 (01:39:12):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:39:13):
Come on? I just thought of one, and the New
York Times wouldn't dare printed on Sunday? It's my rotten mind? Yeah,
I suppose what, baby? You got your cross to carry?
I got mine. Everybody's got his cross to carry. Yeah. Hey,

(01:39:42):
may I ask one thing that might sound like a
leading question? Okay, I won't. Oh no, no, no, no no,
I'm not putting you on I will. I'd ask you
the question. Now, I'm going to ask you a question

(01:40:08):
that you should have asked me. Where was I at
five point thirty on Thursday? It doesn't matter. I mean,
it's part of the game. You know. I think that
all of us want to walk a tight rope, all

(01:40:29):
of us. All of us would like to maybe, how
would you like to go over the Niagara Falls in
a barrel, a bals of wood barrel. Eh. You know,
in spite of it being right in the middle of

(01:40:50):
the afternoon, I am going to go into the kitchen.
I'm going to get some ice cubes. I'm going to
get some other things. If you would care to join
me in some ice cubes, that will be fine, and
some other things. And I'm going to look out at
the gray sky for a while, and I'm going to

(01:41:11):
think of the clock at the Biltmore and I'm going
to think of that six letter word. Did you say
twenty three across? Baby? Okay, I will be back in
five minutes with the ice cubes, maybe even the six
letter word. This is WLAR Radio your state. Now. I

(01:41:38):
like the idea really of being new. I have been
hoping for a long time that someone would recognize that
all you have to do is to I mean, you know,
remove the wrapping. Oh lookout, we are each one of

(01:42:02):
us a truckload of demons. Speaking of demons, we have
with us Masters. When you buy it Master's Discount Department Stores,
you are assured not only of sensational savings, but of
Master's six point policy that guarantees satisfaction or your money
back and for a thorough satisfaction. In stereo phonographs, lend

(01:42:24):
the near to Westinghouse as displayed at Master's Discount Department Stores.
They have five of them. Forty eighth Street in Manhattan,
Root nine A in Elmsford, Root four in Paramhus, Lake,
Success Shopping Center, Long Island, and thirty seven zero two
Main Street and Flushing. Leave it to Long Island to
have a lake named Success. I wonder if there is

(01:42:48):
a lake there that has demanded equal time. I mean,
excuse me, I just have to I mean, light does
not exist without dark. Success is not a thing that
exists in a vacuum. It can only exist in the
company of failure. Are you aware of that? It's a wide, swinging,

(01:43:14):
free form stereo life. You lead, my dear, in perfect fidelity.
And while we're on the subject of perfect fidelity, I
for a long time I've been ali. It must be
seven or eight years ago. It was about seven or

(01:43:36):
eight years ago. I was in Philadelphia at the time,
and it was at three o'clock in the morning, and
I'm fist fighting against the million flies and gnats that
besiege the human mind at that hour. I've begun to
really realize that the schizoid split that goes right down,
not really down the middle, but it goes off at
angles down through each one of us, is a thing

(01:44:00):
that varies almost as the time of day varies. That
varies as the barometric pressure varies. I've wondered, I've wondered
how many wars were plotted, let's say on certain days
of the week. I wonder how many, how many vast
all sweeping decisions were made, Let's say, on a Tuesday morning,

(01:44:20):
when it looked like everything was hopeless, somebody says, we
might as well push the button. What difference does it make?
And then there is always that little rising feeling of
hope about Friday afternoon that you're going to make it
again this week. Of course, then by Tuesday you're ready
to press the button again. Go through these cycles, cycles,

(01:44:44):
And it must have been eight or nine years ago.
I had just begun to fight the flies. I had
just begun to slap away at the gnats, the little,
the little bugging insects that cling to our lives, and
doing it publicly. Incidentally, has it ever occurred to you
why a writer writes, I'm constantly being besieged by calls

(01:45:04):
people because I wanted to try to prove. I don't
know what are you trying to prove? Uh? Oh, why
is he doing that? I don't know. Why do you
do what you do? Who does he think? He is.
I don't know, madam or mister, who do you think

(01:45:27):
you are? And who of us cannot say we are us?
And who of us can say there that we are
not and have no real reason to be us? So
these little flies, the little nats, are digging away at
all of us all the time. What is bugging is?
I don't know has it occurred to you? And I

(01:45:48):
must say this again. We are sitting right in the
middle of the biggest convention city in the world. Now
we're having a dictator convention, and we're hearing the news
that one of them is arriving pretty soon out at
idlewhile I wonder if he's going to arrive in a
plane that's decorated with bunting, I mean, welcome conventioneers. Tito

(01:46:11):
arrives from one direction, cruiseh Off arrives from the other,
and all of them are wearing big buttons on their lapels.
I'm Ike, who are you? Ike? Of the USA? I'm
each one of his own way. I think we have
an innate thing that we really must build statues out

(01:46:32):
of lead. We have to What is it that drives
a man from Circleville, Ohio to come all the way
to New York and take back with him as the
only thing that he takes back a lead statue gilded
painted with gold paint, a lead statue of the Empire
State Building. And on the side of it is a
is a paper thermometer that immediately stops working as soon

(01:46:55):
as it crosses the state line. Now, what is this urge?
My grandmother? You know the funny thing when my grandmother
the part of this valeteers, she left a large trunk
full of cracked cut glass that she had saved over
the years, feeding that any minute now some device or

(01:47:18):
some new technique might be solved that would be able
to repair cut glass. She left that. She also left
a large collection of lead keys, the type of keys
that hang in living rooms and dining rooms all over
the Midwest that say on them souvenir of Sarasota, Florida,

(01:47:39):
and each one of them has as an integral part
of the overall composition, a paper a paper thermometer. She
left at least seven of those. One of them was
from Santa Fe, New Mexico. This was the prize of
her collection. She left one from Chillicothe, Ohio, one from
Mammoth Cave Kentucky, one from Sarasota, Florida, and I believe

(01:48:03):
there was one from Peoria, Illinois. These keys, these leaden keys,
with the illy operating thermometers, told the story of my
grandmother's life just as completely as did the cracked cut crystal. Now,
she couldn't have said it any better had she written
an autobiography. She couldn't have said it any better had

(01:48:26):
she said, this is what happened to me. And so
eight years ago, I'm sitting there swatting at the flies,
and it suddenly occurred to me that we have in
our mind a million images of a million people, and
we all know them. And each one of those people
has a name. Is there one of you out there
who can't, to himself say yes, I know Frida. I

(01:48:54):
will now mention the name again, Frida. Can't you see Frida?
A large blow on waitress that works in a writerer's
on Third Avenue. Hey, Freida. And I thought this was
just a thing in my own mind, you know, I
thought this was a silly thing that I had invented. Well,

(01:49:14):
the other day, I am going through the eternal search
for something to read, and I came across a book
that is a collection of people's names. That's all it is.
It's a collection of people's names and who these people are.
Do not be fooled by the terrible title of the book.
I think the title is one of the worst titles

(01:49:35):
I've ever read. It's one of the most misleading titles.
What Not to Name the Baby a ridiculous title because
it has nothing to do with a book. Not only that,
what it does have to do with the book is wrong.
It is merely a description of all the people that
you have ever known and their names. People are often
formed by their names. I mean, what do you think

(01:49:56):
ever happened? Look Edward had to be Edward?

Speaker 3 (01:49:59):
R Murray?

Speaker 2 (01:50:00):
Oh, Douglas, you have seen all of you have seen
Douglas Edwards on the news. Well, Douglas is Douglas. Have
I've ever seen a Douglas? He even combs his hair
like Douglas crying out loud. I mean, it's obvious. And Jack,
who among you can I mean, is there one among

(01:50:21):
you who doesn't say that Jack is a tip Jack?

Speaker 3 (01:50:24):
Part is Jack?

Speaker 2 (01:50:26):
He really is irritated, psychotic, mad rich. I mean, this
is Jack, you know. And certainly Dwight is Dwight. I mean,
Dwight is Dwight. He isn't really Ike. Don't kid yourself.
I'll bet his grandmother and his mother and everyone in

(01:50:46):
his family called him Dwight all of his life. And
it's no, there's no doubt. But Richard is Richard. He
ain't Dick. Did you hear what his mother said? Recently?
Dick Nixon's mother, this reporter came around and he was
talking to her, and he kept referring to her son

(01:51:07):
as Dick, and she kept saying, well, yes, Richard often
used to do this when he.

Speaker 3 (01:51:12):
Was a boy.

Speaker 2 (01:51:13):
Well, the reporter finally said, well, look, you know to us,
he's Dick. She says to me, he has always been Richard.
Well that's because she knew him. He is obviously Richard,
so please don't call him Dick. You know, President ex
President Hoover is obviously Herbert. I mean he really looks

(01:51:37):
like Herbert, doesn't he There's no question about it. He
is Herbert. And can you imagine a more perfect Woodrow?
I mean he really is Woodrow, believe me. And Roosevelt
is not Theodore.

Speaker 3 (01:51:51):
He was Teddy.

Speaker 2 (01:51:52):
Oh, he's a born bowling team captain. He's Teddy, you know,
with a gruff heartiness. And here is a book I'll
tell you he ran across and it really says it.
I mean it really does. For example, Bernard, Bernard never
seems to have much fun. I have never known a

(01:52:15):
Bernard who did. It's incredible. Listen to this one, brick.
Can you imagine? I can't even read to you. Since
this is obviously a family station on a family hour,
I can't tell you what the story is on Brick.
How about Charles? Here is Charles. He likes to hang

(01:52:36):
around with his father's friends. He uses dental floss. Chester
is very active in alcoholics. Anonymous Bruce. When your sister

(01:52:58):
brings a girlfriend home from school, well you get the
friend a date with Bruce. He looks okay and won't
make trouble. Ha ha. Chris has stereophonic sound, wears a cap,
and likes to make salads. He reads Playboy. Are you interested?

(01:53:24):
Is there anyone out there got a name? Just give
me one name that you'd like to hear. If it's
in this book, I'll tell you, huh who Edwin? All right,
let's see if Edwin is in this book. If you
have a name, quick call it in here because our time,
our world, our little viitty thing that we have here together.
Fletcher cuts uncanceled stamps off envelopes and for some reason

(01:53:47):
saves them. Listen to Gaylord, girls, think Gaylord is wonderful
because see a sensitive and a perfect gentleman and never
but never makes passes or asks them up to his place.
Gaylord is Lloyd's roommate. I don't have to say anymore.

(01:54:18):
Jay is a compulsive check picker upper. Is there anybody
out there who has a name? Edwin?

Speaker 3 (01:54:28):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:54:29):
Yes, Edwin Edwin. Come on, give me a name here
before we go. This is a great book. Let me
see Edwin Edwin Edwin Edwin. In the ABC D Clay Clay,
Oh boy, listen to a discussion of Dick. Dick is

(01:54:51):
neat and in school was voted the most likely to succeed.
He almost did. Can hope all right? Here's uh ed
ed Eric Ernie Everett Everett Everett, Edward Everett, Everett Everett.
Edwin Edwin is an assistant. He buys girly picture books.

(01:55:16):
I'm sorry, Edwin, that's the way it is.

Speaker 4 (01:55:19):
Uh.

Speaker 2 (01:55:20):
Well, how about a chicks name? We've been looking at
mad Now come on. I somebody called in Joseph. I'll
look up Joseph here A B C D E f
g h I j k A b C d e
f g h I J see if you have chicks
here too, I mean some of the chicks A B
C D E f g J Joseph, Joseph, Joe, Joe, Norman,

(01:55:45):
j K L L M h I j k uh
Joseph is not listed. Huh no, no, no, no no.
I will not look up anybody's name here. I have
to work with these people, and this thing is far too,

(01:56:08):
far too accurate. Is there anyone who would like me
to look up a chick's name? Come on, hurry up there,
I don't have my If you're gonna miss your chance,
I mean, that's all there is to it. I'm not
going to fool around with you anyway. The name of
this book is What Not to Name? The Baby Jewels

(01:56:30):
is an accountant. He drives a big black car and
looks like a high class gangster. Actually he isn't. He
sometimes is called Julie. That's quite true. Hi scratches a lot.
He either talks your head off or has nothing at
all to say. Felix is a bridal consultant. He might

(01:56:56):
also be in that lady's hat business. All right, hold
it up there. What's the name of the chick? Jacqueline? Oh,
there's always somebody comes up with a ridiculous name like
that Jacqueline. Well, I can give you Jackie baby. Is
that all right? Hi? JK Gladys, Oh Gladys. Oh boy,

(01:57:19):
Natalie Pearl. Pearl is shy and quiet unless she comes
from a farm, then she's shy and noisy. Hi JK
L M N O p q R s q R
s t U v w H. I. I don't know.
There's no Jacqueline here that I can tell. Martin, Oh, boy, yeah,

(01:57:44):
Martin is in here. Michael Morris, Marvin Marlin, Martin. Martin
likes to sneak into reserve sections in private beaches. It
will take you a long time to get out of
the mail room. Well, if you're interested in this, the

(01:58:06):
name of this, and I'm not selling this thing. I
do think it's very funny because it's very true. The
name of it, Do not be scared off? Is what
not to name the baby? Which leads us to the
paper book gallery. I picked this up at the gallery,

(01:58:26):
and I would like to point out that if you
are a Sunday afternoon type and don't know about the
paper book Gallery, this is one of the most interesting
booksellers in America today, and it's one of the most
encouraging signs, incidentally, to come along in the publishing industry
in a long time. Just a few years ago, the

(01:58:48):
whole mushrooming thing got started on about five hundred dollars.
Guy by the name of Marty Geisler started and today
they are considered one of the most important factions, one
of the most important single elements in the publishing business
in New York. The paper book Gallery, of course, is
down in the village. There's one on Third Street. There's

(01:59:11):
one that's back of the NYU campus, and there's one
right down on Sheridan Square, right next to Well, right
across the street from Nix. You know, it's over there
on the west side. And then there's one. The new
one is next to the Howard Johnson on sixth Avenue,
near a street in the village. And I don't know
whether they're open or not today. You can give them
a call and see. I have no idea, but this

(01:59:33):
is the paper book Gallery, and I think you'll find
it worthwhile visiting. And while we're on the subject of
the village, it's almost three point thirty now, and I'm
sure that a lot of you are scratching around and
would like to know about if you could a good
restaurant to go to today. Well, I would like to

(01:59:54):
make a recommendation. Ying and Yang is one of the
finest Oriental restauran in America. As a matter of fact,
Gourmet Magazine a few months back designated Yin and Yang
as one of the five outstanding Oriental restaurants in the
United States. Are a magnificent little restaurant, and you'll find

(02:00:16):
that you pay for everything you get here. In other words,
the food is superb. The prices are not cheap. They're
not expensive either, but you will find that you get
what you want there. You will find that you know
some restaurants, even the fanciest ones. You walk into it,
there's a kind of an unpleasant feeling. You say, you feel, well,
I've got to measure up to this now. You know

(02:00:37):
that feeling of walking into a place and feeling a
little bit uncomfortable, as though somehow you've got to you've
got to prove something. Well, I think you'll find that
Ying and Yang is one of the pleasantest of the
restaurants of its type that you've ever visited it. And
another thing, it is not filled up with those ridiculous
linoleum covered walls, nor is it filled up with those

(02:00:59):
booths that they seem to cover with Chinese red oil cloth,
and that there are no fluorescent lights in it. I
think you'll find this one has that feel about it
that you rarely find in good restaurants. Ying and Yang
is open today. They will be open until around midnight tonight.
They have a bar. Their address is eighty two West

(02:01:22):
third Street, and wear a jacket, and I would suggest
you call them before you go down to set aside
a reservation. As a matter of fact, since I am
now off on Sunday nights, I think Sunday night will
be my Ying and Yang night. I will be down
there tonight. Probably The one thing that I would like
to recommend personally is this most places have something they

(02:01:43):
do better than other things. The one thing that I
would like to recommend is their chicken wing appetizers. They're magnificent. Really.
To me, a chicken wing is a chicken wing. But
when you find these appetizers. They're like like tiny drumsticks
prepared in some sort of very very a very personal

(02:02:03):
kind of sauce. Now, I can't describe it any better
than that. It's one of the most interesting dishes I've
ever had in any Oriental restaurant. Oh. Incidentally, one of
the things I specialize in is Northern Chinese cooking, which
is very different from the cooking that most of us
are used to when we think of Chinese or Oriental cooking.
This is Ying and Yang eighty two West third Street,

(02:02:26):
y I n g y a and g oh. Yes.
And that that that that brings up a thing here
that has nothing to do with the commercial the ying
and Yang, which is the thing which is bugging us
all the time, that that without the male, there is
no female. Without the dark, there is no light, you know,

(02:02:46):
without the color. There is no black with without the sour,
there is no sweet without you know, has it occurred
to you that that the when that when that tree falls,
when that tree falls in that gigantic jungle out there
with nobody to hear stop stop, no, no, stop, don't

(02:03:09):
you're doing it doing it again? When that voice goes off,
there is no one to hear, and when there is
no one to hear, there is no one to talk
when and how? Speaking of when and how, we'll be
here till four o'clock this afternoon, swatting just as hard
as we can at the flies that surround us.

Speaker 7 (02:03:28):
This is WR Radio, your station for news.

Speaker 2 (02:03:31):
Very very very rare occurrence, it is true, but occasionally
it does happen. Just a moment ago, a lady type
called and it says, for heaven's sakes, what is his
men saying on the video? Me and my daughter can't
turn it off? And he's saying the most insidious things birds.
I think he's madam. That's the nicest thing that could

(02:03:53):
be said. Insidious. I would suggest you look that word up.
That is a word that describes all of men, insidious.
Can you imagine an insidious giraffe? Can you imagine an
insidious chipmunk? I think it's the thing that sets us
apart from our animal, our animal, neighbors, our ape cousins

(02:04:16):
is the quality of being insidious. And the more a
man is insidious, the more human he is. I don't
know about that, young man. I think it's an awful
thing you've said. That's true, indeedy mo weh. But it
happens occasionally, like like the other day in Rome, when

(02:04:39):
all the men and all the women, all the athletes
representing all the world's nations got together to battle it
out on the playing fields. Did you hear what happened
in the water polo match? Or these are the things
that are never really reported because they say the truth,
they really lay it.

Speaker 3 (02:04:56):
On the line.

Speaker 2 (02:04:57):
There was a water polo match going on between two countries.
It doesn't matter what countries they were. They were men,
that's all. A group of men on one side and
a group of men on the other. Have you ever
seen a water polo match? A water polo match is
the most insidious of all the sporting events. Madam man
has taken once again to the sea. He lashes about,

(02:05:19):
flashes about and thrashes about, and splashes too, kicks and
poles and throws a little beach ball back and forth,
shoves and sweats. It's a fantastic site, madam, to see
two teams of water polo players fighting it out for
the world championship. Well, here's what happened. They were playing
along fine until along about maybe five or six minutes

(02:05:41):
before the game was to be over. One team was
leading three to two, and they were flashing and thrashing,
Charlie Warble, and it was a tremendous battle going on,
and suddenly the spectators were treated to the spectacle of
man finally doing it. Have you ever seen a free

(02:06:05):
for all breakout in a swimming pool between two angry
water polo teams who forget all about the beach ball
and start slugging it out, and all of them try
to drown each other, one after the other, one after
the other, and the audience sat spellbound. It was the
biggest event to hit the to hit the realm Olympiad

(02:06:27):
in many, many centuries. It was the closest that man
had come in hundreds of years to a real lion baiting.
And the water rose higher and higher and higher. The
blood streamed down into the bottom of the pool. The
shouts rose, and the audience didn't know what to do.
Nobody knew what to do. The referees couldn't stop it.

(02:06:49):
Nobody could stop it. And all of the television cameras
in all of Italy were trained on this event. Millions
of people saw it, and millions of people saw for
the first time in a long time. What it was
all about? I know, baby, I've heard you. I've heard
you before, I have heard you say it many many times,
and I welcome you to my knee. Is there anyone

(02:07:11):
out there who? Is there anyone out there who would
like to be dandled on a good solid knee for
a while? Huh eh? I mean, you know, just just
oh no, come on, not come on, don't don't pretend.
I mean, it's it's much It's much more important and

(02:07:31):
much bigger than both us.

Speaker 5 (02:07:37):
Yeah too, dear.

Speaker 2 (02:07:46):
The water polo game of civilization, you know, bah bah
bah bah bab. Just a minute now, come on, don't

(02:08:19):
start getting over confident. Do you know that one of
the big agencies on Madison Avenue, concerned as it is
with the obvious fact that the people who work there
are becoming more and more neurotic, more and more vaguely
unhappy with the increasingly abstract nature of their work, have

(02:08:42):
begun to pump through the air conditioning systems and the
ventilation ducts of the four floors of their offices the
smell an artificially created one, albeit but nevertheless legitimate, the
smell of fresh sawdust. Because there is something about the
smell of fresh sawdust that makes man feel honest. It

(02:09:06):
makes him feel like work is going on. JB. One
thing I like about this shop is that you fellas
really buckle down. Let me tell you. Over at our shop,
there's just a lot of sitting around, a lot of talking,
a lot of writing, and a lot of work in
the miniograph machines. A lot of IBM things are clicking.
And I'll say one thing for your shop, there is work.
Oh that smells good. I like to hear the smell

(02:09:28):
of good honest labor, good honest, good honest labor, the
smell of good honest sawdust coming out of good honest
television sets. I suppose what it is that creates a

(02:09:50):
man into the image of what he finally becomes is
almost impossible for any one of us to really ascertain.
Any of you ever heard anyone? Now I'm going to
test you. I'm going to see what kind of an
American you are. Have any of you ever heard of
the worst stage show that was ever done in America?

(02:10:13):
I want to give you an idea of how Midwesterners
are born and created. How do you think Thurber got
to be the sorehead he is. How do you think
Theodore Dreiser got to be as sore as he was?
How do you think that, let's say Mark Twain got irritated?

(02:10:37):
What was bugging him? Midwesterners, all of them. Well, there's
a very special, a very special smell of a very
special sawdust in the air out there. And I would
like to ask you whether or not you have ever
heard of the worst play that was ever seen in
the Western hemisphere in the last fifty years. And if

(02:11:02):
you give me the name of it, does anyone out
there remember a play named The Maid of the Ozarks?
Unbelievably bad? I mean unbelievably bad. When I say unbelievably
I mean it was so bad you couldn't believe it.

Speaker 3 (02:11:18):
It was so bad.

Speaker 2 (02:11:19):
And I'm not using this as a figure of speech.
It was unbelievably bad. The Maid of the Ozarks. Well,
I can only tell you this that The Maid of
the Ozarks played for eight months in Chicago to standing
room only audiences. Do you know how long a death

(02:11:39):
of a salesman lasted in Chicago? You're right now? Is
there anyone out there who remembers this play? I will award, really,
I will award the brass Figgi with bronze oak leaf palm.
To anyone who can really raise his hand honestly and
tell me he remembers anything about the Maid of the Ozarks.

(02:12:00):
Just name one character. Well, I'll tell you how it was.
I am nine years old, say, and my uncle Tom,
who was the bootlegger uncle and our family the one
who had the pearl gray spats. Uncle Tom was one
given to the large gesture. And one Christmas, Uncle Tom
gave to my family, my mother, my father, my brother,

(02:12:25):
and me a ticket to a live stage show. This
was like being invited, Well, this is like almost being
invited into some kind of very special little adjunct to
paradise itself. To a midwesterner, stage shows are very mysterious,
very very very sacro sank things, and he doesn't know

(02:12:49):
exactly how to look at them, really doesn't. On the
one hand, he can spot the phony immediately because he's
not used to the mystique of the theater. I mean,
to my mother, Geraldine Page is kind of loud. On
the other hand, he is bemused and completely taken in
by the opposite side of the coin. And so three

(02:13:11):
days after Christmas, all four of us are sitting in
row twenty three watching The Maid of the Ozarks. I
am nine, and this is my first experience with live theater,
he said, Any wonder, madam? Is it any wonder? And
I have found later that no one even remembers this play,

(02:13:35):
no one actually ever even heard of it. So perhaps
what it was it was a childish dream. Forget it.
It never existed. There was no play called The Maid
of the Ozarks. I prefer to ignore the whole, the whole, bruhah.
Life is just a golla Mafre, Golla Mafri. Life is

(02:14:00):
just a checkerboard square that does nothing but give out
free premiums. It does nothing but get you. What do
you say, baby? He was right, You know he was right.
On the day listening. Life is just a goll of Mafri,

(02:14:52):
a goll of Mafrie. Of course, the scenes that don't
have to be taken. Speaking of scenes I have, I
don't know what you mean. Talk you mean, I'm gonna know,
I'll be silly, funny thing. I don't know. I don't

(02:15:14):
know where it went. All I can say is that
I caught the sales manager here at Wor the other day,
sitting in his office looking through the right end of
a kaleidoscope. So perhaps things might begin to happen. Speaking

(02:15:36):
of things happening, we have with us, among other people,
the Village Voice. And I'm very intrigued to know what
this very strange, peculiar, very special, and I sometimes think
very iron bound afternoon world would think of the Village Voice.

(02:15:58):
To me, the Village is one of the most intriguing
things I have seen developed in America in the past
eight or nine years. And I think that future historians
of journalism will realize this is true. In just five years,
this paper has become one of the leading spokesman for
a certain way of life, a certain attitude. This is

(02:16:21):
not an angry political paper, although they have definite attitudes
towards everything in the world that's going on. I will
say this that if you don't know about the Village Voice,
you should if you're a New Yorker, and probably is
true you do know about the Voice if you are
a New Yorker. But the Voice for a long time

(02:16:44):
has been experimenting with all sorts of forms of saying
it what it is we're trying to say, No one
knows what are you trying to say what am I
trying to say? What is Arthur Miller trying to say?
What is Ed Sullivan trying to say? What is Khushov
trying to say? What is? What is Castro trying to say?
Wouldn't you, secretly, wouldn't you like to be a person

(02:17:06):
so fantastically important that a cordon of three hundred police
have to form around your hotel? Wouldn't you like to
have ten thousand people demonstrating outside of your room holding
up signs? Charles water nobby is unfair to humanity. I'm sorry,
I think all of us would. Do you know that

(02:17:29):
there's an outfit over in Hackensack Chris, the New Jersey
effigy company that makes demonstrators signs. Have you ever wondered
where these signs come from that these people demonstrate with? Well,
they make all kinds of demonstration signs with pistol grips.
Some of them are light waterproof signs to be used

(02:17:52):
in all weather. Others are especially designed for burning on bonfires.
They burn with a cold blue flame, an angry flame,
and you can buy them in all shapes colors. And
there is even the universal indignation sign, which is just
merely a mad sign. It's for universal demonstrations, whether you're

(02:18:12):
demonstrating against the A bomb, the H bomb, ovens, demonstrating
against castro khrushoff, whatever you're demonstrating against it, it's the
universal multiple purpose sign. Just hold it up and everyone
knows you're mad. I think this is the nicest one
of all. I think everyone should have one in his closet. Actually,
and oh yes, they have a wonderful, a wonderful line

(02:18:35):
of excelsior effigies that burns safely, not cause any conflagrations
or bonfires that are ad libs. These all burned safely,
and they burn flamboyantly. You'll find that the New Jersey
Effigy Company is standing waiting. Speaking of waiting, we have
with us the Village Voice. And if you would like

(02:18:55):
to subscribe to this Voice, to this paper, a prize
winning newspaper and one well, actually, if you don't know
about the Voice, I'll tell you this. They're the paper
that made Jules five for famous. No other paper did it.
You'll find five for every week in the Voice. You'll
find all sorts of people that head off, and you
will find the most complete, the most complete weekly story

(02:19:19):
of what's going on in the off Broadway world of theater,
of any of the newspapers in New York, which means,
of course anywhere. This is the Village Voice, and if
you would like to subscribe to them, you can subscribe
this afternoon. And they want you to call collect no
matter where you're calling from. The price of the Voice
is four dollars for one year, seven dollars per two.

(02:19:42):
Just give them a call and they will put you
on the rolls. And I'll make a personal guarantee here.
If after six weeks you do not like the Voice,
I will see to it that your total amount of
subscription money is refunded, no questions asked. But let me
tell you this, more than one guy has got hooked
on this paper in spite of himself, in fact of

(02:20:06):
the editor of the Voice told me a very interesting thing.
He says, whenever they miss a mailing of the Voice
for some reason, whether they mail it out one week
late or they miss a mailing of some kind, they
get indignant letters immediately from people who are suffering withdrawal symptoms.
So if you would like to subscribe, give them a
call at Watkins right now this afternoon and ask for

(02:20:28):
ask for the demonstration editor who is on hand right now.
Since this is Sunday and this is the opening of
the Dictator's Convention, which is opening here in New York,
they have one of their people on hand. Give them
a call at Watkins four that's in New York and
reverse the charges w A four for six six ' nine.

(02:20:48):
Just give him your name, and then maybe a week
or two you will begin to get the thing. You know,
the sound will begin to happen. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
Don't worry about it, madam, Just don't worry about it.
I know, I know how you feel. No, no, I
know how you feel. I've known. I've known for a

(02:21:09):
long time. I've known for a long time that it
wasn't going to be that way. But I knew that
there wasn't much we could do about it, either one
of us being the way it is, you know, being
that it has to be that way that it is.

Speaker 3 (02:21:30):
No, no, no, no, no no.

Speaker 2 (02:21:31):
Don't don't make any don't don't make any any quick decisions,
because it's liable to cause the trouble to happen again.
And you know what the trouble is. It's it's liable
to start it all over again. And and I wouldn't

(02:21:51):
like that. I mean I really wouldn't like that. And
I don't suppose you would either. Now, is there anyone else?

Speaker 5 (02:22:00):
No?

Speaker 3 (02:22:00):
No, not not yet.

Speaker 2 (02:22:03):
No. I uh I think I have an idea. No no, no, no, no, no, no,
no stop it, stop it no idea, no no, no,
we can't. We can't do that. You see. It was

(02:22:27):
a thing which which I thought I could conquer. That's
the whole thing, that's the whole story. I thought I
could do it. I thought I could get out of
that terrible what is it?

Speaker 5 (02:22:43):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (02:22:43):
I thought I could. I thought I could break through.
I shouldn't be telling you this, uh I. I well see,
how can I put it another way? Well, all of

(02:23:08):
a sudden it was this way. All of a sudden,
the big mustertiums rose in the night from the ocean's bed,
and they rested a while. In the light of the morning,
you see the picture turning the sand dunes tiger red.

(02:23:30):
They covered the statue of Abraham Lincoln. They climbed to
the stop, right to the very top of the church spire. Grandpa, Grandpa,
come to the window, Come to the window. Our whirl's
on fire, big mystertiums in the high sierras, big musturtiums.
And the lands below our trains are light. Our plains

(02:23:52):
have fallen and out in the ocean. The whistles blow
over the fields and over the forest, over the living
and over the dead. I never expected the big Mystritians
to come in my lifetime. That's all that Grandpa said.

(02:24:14):
That's all he said. I just never expected it. Never
thought it would happen, Never thought it would happen.

Speaker 7 (02:25:26):
This is War Radio, your station for news Now, Direct
from the WR newsroom. Here are the very latest road
and traffic conditions in and around the New York area.
This report is brought to you by Northwest Orient Airlines.
In Manhattan, traffic is reported to be moderate on the
East River Drive, the West Side Highway, and the Henry

(02:25:47):
Hudson Parkway. Moderate traffic is reported down the Hutchinson River Parkway,
the Sawmill River Parkway, the Cross County Parkway, and the
Bronx River Parkway. Moderate traffic is reported on the parkways
in the Bronx, and moderate traffic is reported on the
parkways in Brooklyn. Three DC eight Intercontinental Jet departures a.

Speaker 2 (02:26:05):
Week to typeey.

Speaker 7 (02:26:07):
That's an exclusive on Northwest Orient Airlines. Only Northwest offers
you one plane jet service to Taipei from New York.
No changing of airlines, no changing of planes, you jet
all the way.

Speaker 2 (02:26:19):
On Northwest Aorria.

Speaker 5 (02:26:25):
Line.

Speaker 7 (02:26:27):
Now back to the traffic. Moderate traffic is reported on
the Parkways and Queens. Moderate traffic on the Cross Island Parkway,
the Interborough Parkway, Queens Boulevard, and the Van Wick Expressway.
Moderate traffic is reported at the approaches.

Speaker 2 (02:26:39):
To the bridges and tunnels in New Jersey.

Speaker 7 (02:26:42):
Moderate traffic on Routes one, three, nine, and twenty three.
Moderate traffic on the Garden State Parkway, moderate traffic on
the New Jersey Turnpike, moderate traffic on Route four, moderate
traffic on Routes seventeen, and moderate traffic en.

Speaker 2 (02:26:55):
Route forty six.

Speaker 7 (02:26:56):
This report has been brought to you by Northwest Orient Lines.
You're dial A set at seven ten. If you're planning
a cruise this fall or winter, make your Newsleater your
first port of call. He's got this week's Q featuring
a twenty page section the tailing over five hundred nineteen

(02:27:16):
sixty nineteen sixty one cruises to Europe, to the Orient,
to the West Indies and to South America. The queue
to your next cruise is in Q. Now get a
copy of Q magazine today. This is wor AM at
FM New York, owned and operated by RKO General. The

(02:27:38):
season ends tonight at Palisades Amusement Park. Hurry over for
the big two for one special on all rides at
Palisades Amusement Park at the war Timetne. The time will
be four pm.

Speaker 8 (02:27:54):
This is Samford Marshall reporting for all the news as
it happens. Stay tuned this station and now the news.
It is a drizzling gray day in New York City
today as the United Nations General Assembly meets to voice
its approval or disapproval of dog Hammerschial's handling of the
Congo situation.

Speaker 6 (02:28:13):
The Assembly is tense, the city is tense.

Speaker 8 (02:28:16):
Soviet Premier Khrushchov is probably five hundred miles out at
sea and due to arrive tomorrow morning at eight o'clock.
Cuba's Fidel Castro should arrive at Idlewild.

Speaker 6 (02:28:24):
Airport within the hour.

Speaker 8 (02:28:26):
Poland's Communist Party chief Gomocho, and Czechoslovakia as President Neavatni
arrive this evening around six thirty pm, and Congo's one
time premiere, Patrice La Mumba, reported alive and safe, has
asked for a UN plane to fly into this historic
session of the UN.

Speaker 6 (02:28:42):
Says he has a plan to save the Congo. The
host city of.

Speaker 8 (02:28:45):
New York is braced with security police at every point
where they expect trouble. Already, demonstrators have ranged themselves around
the United Nations. Fifteen hundred Cubans pro Castro are gathered
at Idlewild Airport with cards saying welcome Fidel.

Speaker 6 (02:29:00):
Give him hell.

Speaker 8 (02:29:01):
Castro is likely to be the most controversial of all
the visiting heads of state and likely to be the
most closely guarded.

Speaker 6 (02:29:07):
Will help more news in a moment.

Speaker 2 (02:29:09):
Most of us do a lot more driving during the summer.

Speaker 8 (02:29:13):
A British newspaper said today that Krushchov has invited President
Eisenhower and Prime Minister macmillan to open peace talks in
New York City. The newspaper says that Macmillan will probably accept.

Speaker 6 (02:29:23):
President Eisenhower has asked the.

Speaker 8 (02:29:25):
American people to remain calm when Soviet Premier Krushchev arrives
in the United States next week, but the State Department
has showed its concern that Soviet Premier Krushchev may use
the American facilities of TV and radio for propaganda.

Speaker 6 (02:29:37):
Has asked some of the networks to beware of this possibility.

Speaker 8 (02:29:41):
Vice President Nixon said yesterday that he would never mention
the visit of Krushchov.

Speaker 6 (02:29:45):
Again in his campaigning.

Speaker 8 (02:29:46):
Today, Senator John Kennedy said he will not exploit Khrushchev's
visit for campaign purposes and would meet the Soviet premier
only if his Republican rival sees the Russian too. The
Reverend doctor Norman Vincent Peel says his officer for to
resign his pulpit at Marble Collegiate Church, the church in
New York City, has been refused. He said he made
the offer as a result of his recent involvement in

(02:30:08):
the debate on religion in presidential politics.

Speaker 6 (02:30:11):
Today, Peel received.

Speaker 8 (02:30:12):
A standing tribute from his congregation when he appeared in
the pulpit. Tropical storm Florence has been cited by reconnaissance
aircraft about seventy statute miles southeast of Turks Island in
the Bahamas.

Speaker 6 (02:30:24):
Highest winds of the storm.

Speaker 8 (02:30:25):
Are estimated to be fifty miles an hour at present,
but the storm is expected to slowly intensify during the
next twenty four hours. Is reported moving west at about
seventeen miles an hour.

Speaker 6 (02:30:38):
This is Sandford Marshall reporting from New York.

Speaker 1 (02:30:41):
When You're Smoking from February twenty second, nineteen sixty one,
tapping the one thousand foot long Watermelon of Life, the
Game of World Diplomacy, National Nothing but the Truth Day
Civil War, a stirring promotion theme.

Speaker 2 (02:30:55):
You're lying there flat out in the sack see to
about three maybe four o'clock.

Speaker 3 (02:31:00):
In the morning, although you don't really know what time
it is, but you're lying.

Speaker 2 (02:31:03):
There flat out, and for some reason or other you
have regained consciousness. You have crawled back out of that void,
dragging your knees over the wall until finally you're peeking
into the sunlight of consciousness.

Speaker 3 (02:31:16):
But you're lying there flat out.

Speaker 2 (02:31:17):
That's maybe three or four o'clock in the morning, and
you've got a wad of cotton in your mouth, your
throat is dry, just lying there flat without thinking. You
slowly ease the covers back, but it's it's kind of cold.
It's not exactly cold, it's not chill. It's just cold,
kind of like in the room. You feel around with

(02:31:37):
your feet looking for your slippers, until.

Speaker 3 (02:31:40):
Finally you get them on.

Speaker 2 (02:31:41):
You drag You don't wanna turn the light on, because
when you turn the light on, that is officially saying
you're awake. You're officially up. You drag your way to
the door, out into the hall, and finally you find
the john. You're looking for a glass of water. You
turn the faucet on. You don't wanna run it too
long to make it cold or anything. You just turn
it on and you start great brackish warm, and you

(02:32:06):
turn it a little more, still warm, you drink.

Speaker 3 (02:32:09):
You feel a little better.

Speaker 2 (02:32:10):
You're slowly coming even more to the edge of that
bright sunlight of consciousness. You drag yourself back into the room.

Speaker 3 (02:32:17):
You start to ease back into the sack when you
hear a.

Speaker 2 (02:32:20):
Rustling sound outside on the street, a kind of strange
rustling sound. No, there's plenty of traffic on this street,
so you don't really pay much attention to it. You
ease yourself into the sack and you lie there flat,
but still you hear that rustling shhh, a kind of
rustling sound. It doesn't sound like an automobile. It doesn't
sound like tires or anything really, just except the rustling sound.

Speaker 3 (02:32:41):
You get up finally you go to the window.

Speaker 2 (02:32:44):
And the Venetian blinds were at half mast. You know,
look first, the street is dark, nothing, and don't see
anything there. You sort of half turned to go back
to bed, and so and.

Speaker 3 (02:33:00):
Catches your eye.

Speaker 2 (02:33:01):
Your eyes are beginning to focus. There's a dark mass
moving along the street there, dark mess. What is that?
You look, sharper, they're fully awake now, and you see
that the dark mass looks like a long snake kind
of crawling along the street.

Speaker 3 (02:33:18):
It's going from.

Speaker 2 (02:33:19):
Right to left, a long snake, undulating moving. You look
closer and closer, and you see that it's a mass
of seething humanity, moving almost in utter silence. And they're
moving down towards the end of the rock. You look
down there and you see where the line is ending.
One by one, they're climbing into a man hall, thousands

(02:33:41):
of them. They're wearing bathing suits and they have bathing
caps on a old man, young boys, elderly women, young girls, kids, chicks.
Nobody's saying anything to anybody else and They all appear
to be carrying volise is some kind weekend travel cases.

Speaker 3 (02:34:04):
They're climbing into the manhole.

Speaker 2 (02:34:06):
Down there at the end of the You look down
the other way and you could see that there's an
endless throne of them jostling towards you. They're coming from
the east, they're moving west, compless people. Look. You look
around across the street. There's no other lights lit. Nobody,
I mean, the only one. Well, what's going on? Fifteen

(02:34:30):
minutes later, you're putting on your bathing suit. You're packing avolise.
Twenty five minutes later, you're climbing down into a man hall.

Speaker 3 (02:34:39):
You're not gonna leave me alone.

Speaker 2 (02:34:41):
They're not gonna leave me alone. Oh, Charlie, I don't
part of the gang. It's cold for a bathing suit, and.

Speaker 3 (02:34:52):
They're all around.

Speaker 2 (02:34:53):
You're fifteen minutes later, you're slowly dragging yourself to consciousness again,
and then you're slowly lowering your so back into the void.
Want to belief?

Speaker 3 (02:35:03):
Ah indeed? And all right, uh uh get down.

Speaker 2 (02:35:13):
For some reason or other, there's a telephone in your
hands for trying to on a phone, and it's been ringing,
it's been ringing, just hold not you, No, it's been ringing.

Speaker 3 (02:35:21):
Pick it up.

Speaker 2 (02:35:22):
Hello. Yeah, Charlie wanna no be here? You're sitting at
your desk. How did I get at my desk at
three o'clock in the morning, Charlie wanta I be here?

Speaker 3 (02:35:30):
A constant counting department.

Speaker 2 (02:35:32):
Can I help you? What is that? The editor of Life?

Speaker 3 (02:35:39):
What does he want with me?

Speaker 2 (02:35:40):
I I I I I I don't read magazines. No,
I'm not interested in any magazines.

Speaker 3 (02:35:45):
No, no, no, no subscriptions.

Speaker 2 (02:35:48):
What he wants to talk to me about doing an
eight page picture story on how I got started, what
my chief influences were, on how I achieved success? Picture
story when yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be free Thursday night.

(02:36:08):
Yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:36:11):
You want to do it up at my place?

Speaker 2 (02:36:13):
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Pla you hang up, and just
as you hang up, the phone rings again.

Speaker 3 (02:36:19):
You pick it up. Oh Times, New York Times.

Speaker 2 (02:36:26):
Yeah, this is wata.

Speaker 3 (02:36:26):
Noabby here?

Speaker 2 (02:36:29):
You want to do a story called inside Water, Nabby
for the Sunday supplement.

Speaker 3 (02:36:36):
Who's good?

Speaker 2 (02:36:37):
Gilbert Millstein? Yeah, yes, I'd be.

Speaker 3 (02:36:43):
Pleased to have you fellows up here.

Speaker 2 (02:36:44):
Of course, the Life men will probably be here. You
don't mind, do you? Yeah, well they're coming Thursday night.

Speaker 3 (02:36:51):
Well I could squeeze you in. Would Tuesday be all right?

Speaker 2 (02:36:55):
Yes? I have an open date Tuesday night. Yes, yes, no,
I don't mind, know, yes, yes, uh fine, yes, right tuesday't.

Speaker 3 (02:37:06):
Eight at my place. You hang up the phone, it
begins to buzz again.

Speaker 2 (02:37:11):
You pick it up. Who Collingwood, Charlie Collingwood, Yeah, put
him on. Uh yes, wanta not be here Collingwood? Yes?
Uh y, yes, you usually do? Uh a two part program?
What do you mean? Oh, I see one part Marilyn Monroe,

(02:37:31):
the other part pandit neh row I see, yeah, you
wanna do a three part you wanna do it? H
I see you wanna devote three whole programs to uh
huh yes, uh person the person? Y? Yes, you wanna
come up to my place? Well, I'll have to get
it cleaned up little, it's a little out of it.

Speaker 3 (02:37:51):
Yeah, I have to get a girl in.

Speaker 2 (02:37:52):
You know. Well look, uh uh, Charlie, you're.

Speaker 3 (02:37:56):
Liable to have to.

Speaker 2 (02:37:57):
You don't mind. There'd be a few of the boys
from life will be there you and uh yeah, there's
there's gonna be a man from the Times. You don't mind,
do you. Okay, I thank you, and the phone rings. Hello,
I wanna not be here.

Speaker 3 (02:38:16):
White House. Mister Kennedy, Well well.

Speaker 2 (02:38:20):
Yeah, yeah, yes, uh Jack, uh you'd like to you
want me to come up Tuesday. I can't make it Tuesday, Jack, No, no,
you see, Uh I'm busy Tuesday night.

Speaker 5 (02:38:34):
Uh.

Speaker 3 (02:38:34):
Life is going to be here.

Speaker 2 (02:38:35):
I can put the boys off. I I have an
appointment with Marilyn Monroe immediately following what yes, all right Jack, Yeah,
well I'll call you back when I when I straightened
my schedule out. Yeah yeah, no, no, no, no, anytime.
Just call me here and just they'll put you right through.

Speaker 3 (02:38:53):
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 (02:38:55):
You hang up the phone, and all of a sudden
you're seeing yourself. This it's Jikenny watermelon. It's the great
watermelon in the world. It's it's green and ripe, and
it has stripes on it, black stripes. This watermelon must
be a thousand feet long and a thousand feet high. Yes,
if you've tapped it at long last, you've tapped it.
They finally discovered what it's all about. Why I'm here,

(02:39:19):
what's going on?

Speaker 3 (02:39:20):
It's gonna work out.

Speaker 2 (02:39:22):
Don't don't bother me, don't bother with me, fellas, I'm
only on the air.

Speaker 3 (02:39:28):
That's sorry, I don't.

Speaker 2 (02:39:29):
Don't blobber with me. It's it's gonna work out. I've
got this water melon and I I've tapped it.

Speaker 3 (02:39:38):
How do you what do you really want? What do
you really want?

Speaker 2 (02:39:41):
It? And ask yourself what do I want?

Speaker 3 (02:39:44):
You know what you want? Yes, you know what all
of us wanted when every.

Speaker 2 (02:39:49):
Women admit it or not, it's like it's like it's
like in the It's like in the Depression they had
they had this game called Monopoly. Uh, you know, it
seemed like a fairly fairly harmless game.

Speaker 3 (02:40:01):
But was it harmless?

Speaker 4 (02:40:02):
Now?

Speaker 2 (02:40:02):
It really told what it was about. You see, what
everybody wants is a monopoly. Yes, what every businessman secretly
wants is to see all other business.

Speaker 3 (02:40:12):
Man up against the wall. Eh.

Speaker 2 (02:40:15):
I like good honest competition, as long as they're ineft,
as long as it looks like they're in trouble, as
long as it looks like they're baialem. That's what I like.
Good solid competition, folks. And so all through the depression
people played Monopoly because I have a feeling that the
games are what tell.

Speaker 3 (02:40:34):
What we really want. What we secretly really want.

Speaker 2 (02:40:36):
The little things we do is a trivia, little oddments
like play games.

Speaker 3 (02:40:40):
You know, I'm fool with Yo, Yo's all this little stuff.
Monopoly was no mistake.

Speaker 2 (02:40:45):
They have a game now called World Diplomacy. And you
know what, the winner of the World Diplomacy game is
entitled to call himself honorary World Dictator.

Speaker 3 (02:40:57):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (02:40:58):
The idea of the game called World Dilomacy is to
take over your partner's country, the opponent's land, his nation.
You see, everybody is given a nation to play with,
and then you start dealing the cards, and you start
shuffling the dice and spinning the little wheels, and the
moves are made by stealing your friend's secrets. Says you

(02:41:19):
have just stolen his state secrets, moved two places forward.
You have just busted through in a vast pincer's movement,
and our bounte around his capital. It tells what we
really want our speaking of vast pincer's movements, this is wor.

Speaker 3 (02:41:35):
AM and FM New York.

Speaker 2 (02:41:37):
Now, if you will please to credit me with and
if you will please to butter me with the gothic music,
I will be prepared to tell you something about our industry,
our world, our life, and our time. Although although really
you know I, I really do believe that most of us,
sadly enough, do go through our lives believing in the

(02:42:00):
simple virtues and the simple homilies. I I feel that
there must be at least a million people out there
tonight who feel that hard work will get them somewhere,
who feel that honest toil will finally make them achieve
the pinnacle, the gold that they are seeking, who honestly
feel that saving money like yes, uh, modesty is a virtue.

(02:42:26):
You don't think for one minute that any act or
any star, anybody whoever, really makes it as modest to you.

Speaker 3 (02:42:32):
Let me tell you.

Speaker 2 (02:42:33):
You ought to hear Olivier talk about Olivier modesty is
a virtue. But it never got you a fat contract, ever,
It never got you a shot on the Ed Sullivan
Show Dad ever ever. And so you sit, an inkstained wretch,
crouched over your roll top desk, scribble away, making your

(02:42:55):
tiny little etching your scratches in the vast ledger of.

Speaker 3 (02:43:00):
Is in his life, scratching away.

Speaker 2 (02:43:02):
Some day it'll work out, any cut add just any
of them. You scratch away, You scratch away working and
extain wretch. Let me tell you, actually, I suppose a
dollar saved is a dollar earned, is uh a penny
each penny saved.

Speaker 3 (02:43:17):
Finally, pennies make dollars. No, no, they don't.

Speaker 2 (02:43:21):
Really, you know, you save pennies and all you get
is a lot of ball jars, a lot of canning
jars full of coins. That's all. You don't get the
big fat bonds that people clip the bottoms off. I'll
tell you that, dad, Charlie. I'll give you a word
of advice. I'm beginning to produce a small booklet in
my mind called just Simply Keep your Knees Loose, The

(02:43:44):
Education of a twentieth century Man. Now, if you really
wanna make it with that little pile, you don't think
that moldering little pile of dough that you've been able
to scrunge out of the rocks of existence is gonna shield.

Speaker 3 (02:43:55):
You against anything that's gonna make you. Don't think it's
gonna grow, do you? The only advice I can give.

Speaker 2 (02:43:59):
You is sty shovel him twenty dollars bills out the
third or fourth story window. Within fifteen minutes there will
be one hundred and fifty people standing down that chair
in you, and then announced I will begin again tomorrow
at one exactly twenty four hours later, there would be
thirty four thousand people under your window.

Speaker 3 (02:44:16):
What more do you want? What more do you want?

Speaker 2 (02:44:22):
I'm looking through the waste baskets here at WR a
couple of hours ago. You know, we've been hearing all
this talk about George Washington on the air today. I
wonder if Washington would ever recognize himself, all this jazz
about never telling a lie. No man could exist without

(02:44:44):
ever telling a lie. He'd be shot by the time
he's ten he ever told the truth. Can you imagine
what would happened if, if, if we did declare a
national nothing but the truth? Day Kennedy gets on television
and he tells the truth.

Speaker 3 (02:45:00):
Thirty seconds.

Speaker 2 (02:45:02):
We'd beat an atomic war. Forty five seconds later, some guy, uh,
I could just see it. This is that this nation
would be, would be a fantastic part of we tea
of the world would be a would be embroiled in
a in thirty seconds, like a gigantic overripe blimp.

Speaker 3 (02:45:22):
Fantastic thing. I'm speaking of the truth.

Speaker 2 (02:45:24):
I don't think we ever really know the truth ever,
nor the answer. And of course I think one of
the things that were that is bugging us today is
the twentieth century man honestly believes more and more, is
we get more abstract in our lives, is it becomes
more of a mechanized thing, and everybody becomes specialized, and
the machines are going and everything. We have to somehow
give ourselves an identity. So a guy walking past the

(02:45:45):
room with the IBM machines are clicking, he looks in
then he's I'm not a machine. I don't have any
tapes in me. Don't I no tapes in me?

Speaker 3 (02:45:56):
But he suspects it.

Speaker 2 (02:45:57):
Any minute now he's gonna go to a doctor. And
the guy's gonna put a stethoscope or maybe even put
a pair of an electrode in his ear and read
him on a scope and say, Charlie, the trouble with
you is that your bias voltage is way down, way down,
and your transistors and your cathode followers or could need replacing.
Would surprise half of the population. And did you really

(02:46:19):
did you read about that kid? There's a wild case
where there was a kid who honestly believed he was
a transistor. See he's just gone over to the other side.
He's admitting something, and the rest of us still haven't.
You know, we're still clinging to the edges. But nevertheless,
this this consideration of the machine world, I think, is
as it gets wilder and wider, and more and more

(02:46:39):
stuff comes out of the loud speakers, and more stuff
comes out of the television screens, more magazines, more newspapers,
and it gets to be a gigantic drum fire of
brujabag with the world becomes an enormous mushroom that more
and more man begins to believe in magic, not less,
but more that that almost every product has to have
a magic ingredient or no one's interested in it, not

(02:47:00):
a bit of it. In fact, I fully expect to
see there will be a cough medicine with the new
magic ingredient.

Speaker 3 (02:47:06):
Get William.

Speaker 2 (02:47:07):
Yes, the new magic ingredient. Get William. Will take care,
Get William. It'll work out all right. There are countless
women who I can can imagine. The saddest woman of
all is the woman who has just used up five
jars of rejuvenating hormone facial cream guaranteed to bring back
that youthful vigor, in that tone, that possess that she

(02:47:28):
possessed at sixteen. She quietly expires at the end of
the sixth jar ded dead. In spite of all that
youthful vigor, pizzazz and the magic ingredient.

Speaker 3 (02:47:41):
Where's the magic? What happened?

Speaker 5 (02:47:45):
Ah?

Speaker 2 (02:47:45):
Boil and bubble, toil and trouble for George Washington?

Speaker 3 (02:47:50):
He didn't live to see the day.

Speaker 2 (02:47:53):
You know, speaking of of our our concept of history,
I heard a fantastic radio show today where where an
inadvertently the truth was coming out, where this reporter was
saying to kids. He was out with a microphone and
he was asking kids on the street, what do you
know about George Washington. Kid says, well, I don't know.

Speaker 3 (02:48:12):
He had white hair.

Speaker 2 (02:48:14):
That's exactly what the kid said.

Speaker 3 (02:48:16):
I'm not inventing this.

Speaker 2 (02:48:16):
And he says, O, well, he didn't always have white hair,
did he? Well, he had white hair all the time.
I only see him with white hair. And then the
obviously that we're getting nowhere with his he says, well,
haven't you heard about what about the truth? He said no, and.

Speaker 3 (02:48:31):
The announces says, well, didn't you hear about what he did?
With the cherry tree.

Speaker 2 (02:48:34):
This is what do you mean cherry tree? He says, well,
he chopped on the cherry tree. Oh yeah, I know
that one On this his old man came out and
Washington said I did it, and the announcers says, yes,
wasn't that wonderful? Do you think the kids that today
tell the truth? And the kid who was aged fifteen
said no, I don't think.

Speaker 3 (02:48:49):
Anybody tells the truth. I think everybody lies.

Speaker 2 (02:48:53):
He answers, and our ladies and gentlemen, we're going to
move our candid microphone along hair the truth come out.
And then instantly, by the way, immediately after that, this
announcement with a beautiful umshoo's voice, went into a commercial.
This kid is standing right there.

Speaker 3 (02:49:07):
Looking him right in the face.

Speaker 2 (02:49:10):
I just thought you ought to know. And so I'm
going through. I'm going through the waste basket and I'm
going to read something to you and not change a word.
This is a tip sheet that is sent out the
radio stations all over on how they can make their
radio station really sell and it tells a lot about
our world. And so you will, if you will bless

(02:49:30):
me here with the little gothic music, we will once
again into the vast cathedral.

Speaker 3 (02:49:34):
Of man's mind.

Speaker 2 (02:49:40):
Fellas, as a consultant on radio selling techniques, I'm.

Speaker 3 (02:49:48):
Here to give you a few tips.

Speaker 2 (02:49:50):
Handy Hinton Kinks on how you can utilize the present
holiday season, the patriotic holiday season.

Speaker 3 (02:49:57):
To make your radio station.

Speaker 2 (02:49:58):
Really hum, as we say at the main office, really
hum with spot sales. Now, i'd like to first of
all tell you that I'm going to call.

Speaker 3 (02:50:09):
My talk today.

Speaker 2 (02:50:10):
There will be a question and answer period, of course,
after the meeting. Fellas, I'm going to entitle my talk
today civil War a stirring promotion theme. And you don't
mind if I read my notes here. I've had my
girl transcribe a few of these things, because I believe
that there are so many important points that we have
to cover that we'll have to cover them exactly. And

(02:50:32):
we'd like to read from we'd like to read from
our notes right now at this time. The Civil War
Centennial Observance provides retailers with the exciting stuff that schemes
are made of. The figure speech, of course, Fellas, the
mushrooming interest in the last war fought by gentlemen offers
you scores of opportunities for us chances to build community

(02:50:56):
goodwill and store prestige in addition to sales and traffic.
And as many merchants have thus far discovered, exciting, imaginative,
offbeat selling events are badly needed now in nineteen sixty
one to stir consumers off their wallets. Now, I'd like
to tell you what some of the boys are doing
in the business to utilize the Civil War theme to

(02:51:18):
cause a little excitement around the cash register. Now, Madison, Wisconsin,
two appliance dealers have declared what they call a Civil
War kind a clever idea. Maybe you might be able
to utilize it in your community. One dealer is located
in North Madison and the other is located conveniently enough.

Speaker 3 (02:51:35):
In South Madison.

Speaker 2 (02:51:37):
Well throughout the coming Civil War centennial year, they are
going to battle with bargains. The clerks will be dressed
in Civil War garb, of course. The man in North
Madison will addresses men as Northern soldiers, and the man
in South Madison will have his boys dressed in gray,
of course. And they're going to sustain interest in the

(02:51:57):
Civil War through a new series of shall we call
them sales attacks. I think that's a very clever little
scheme and it'll cause plenty of ringing a back cash
register for the Civil.

Speaker 3 (02:52:09):
War buffs in the neighborhood.

Speaker 2 (02:52:11):
Now, we have other ideas, and I'd like to give them.

Speaker 3 (02:52:16):
To you, fellows.

Speaker 2 (02:52:16):
Now read them to you slowly, so that if you
would like to take notes, we'll give you time so
that you can drop them down. Now, here's an odd
little idea that I think some of you might find
you as full to ring those cash registers. Have you
thought of the idea of handing out Confederate money? Phony
Confederate money is easily obtainable at any novelty store, and

(02:52:39):
this can be handed out with the green stamps, Fellows,
and that causes a little talk and a lot of fun,
and the kids certainly will love it. And incidentally, you
might have a Confederate money sale which people bring in
their Confederate money and tred it in for usable merchandise.
That's that kind of a clever idea. And this is

(02:52:59):
one that I think is really going to go over
with a bang in this the Civil War a centennial year.
I think this is going to go over with a bang.
And I'd like to read it to you right now,
just the way I transcribed it. I got off brainstorm
the other day, Fellows, sitting at the office desk there,
when suddenly occurred to me, what a prolfic idea of
this would be. I'd like to see some of you

(02:53:20):
boys try it out, and I'd be interested in hearing
what kind of consumer reaction results, what sort of listener
activity comes about as a result of this little gimmick.
Many local radio stations could find it useful to dress
their staff in Confederate uniforms selling month long packages, and
particularly the sales of the radio station should go out

(02:53:43):
on the street dressed as Confederate soldiers and they would
sell month long packages during this the Civil War centennial month.
And here's one that I'm really proud of, Fellows. It
might really go over with the sock, particularly for you
guys who have stations up there in the Midwak less
than the northern areas. All commercials during this the Confederate

(02:54:04):
Centennial month, are to be read in Southern accents by announcers. Now,
I'll give you a sample on how this would work. Folks,
are there you have you.

Speaker 3 (02:54:16):
Trying alber dry milk.

Speaker 2 (02:54:18):
Alber gry milk taste just like it comes from the cow.
Wonderful sweet taste and milk, and yet it doesn't have
any of those calories that put extra pounds on you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to return to.

Speaker 3 (02:54:30):
Number fourteen of the hit Parade.

Speaker 2 (02:54:32):
In just a few seconds. We'll have our Vibrate and
weather tower give you the Vibrate and Confederate news, and
now we.

Speaker 3 (02:54:39):
Get on with our program.

Speaker 2 (02:54:41):
Now you see how this would attract attention, folks. You
understand that these things are all to celebrate the Civil War,
which was the last war fought by gentlemen in these
United States. And now we have a few other little
handy hints that perhaps you might just throw in to
get the ball rolling. As we say, smartly dressed Confederate
and Union soldiers, lovely Southern bells, and proper costume could

(02:55:04):
easily set the key for a supermarket or department store
blue and gray promotion. And I've enjoying that idea. Radio
personalities on your local station could be dressed as Lincoln.
If you have a particularly tall announcer, a tall disc
junkie bio, a set of broadcloth long broad coin. That's
easy to get that at any costuming shop, dressing up

(02:55:25):
as Lincoln, a short maybe a stout man with a
with a with an artificial beard, dressed up as Lead.
You could get someone dressed up as Grant perhaps and
have them mingle with shoppers.

Speaker 3 (02:55:34):
In your supermarket. And this we'd like to.

Speaker 2 (02:55:38):
Save for the last. Have them takee interviews for use
on the air and use the actual names of the
personages that they are impersonating. For example, Madam, I'm Abraham Lincoln,
and I would like to ask you what you think
of the new supermarket, the new beautiful supermarket that you're visiting.
You realize that tying in these historical personages will add

(02:56:02):
an added sales oomph to the Civil War promotional theme.

Speaker 3 (02:56:06):
For a more thing, if you.

Speaker 2 (02:56:07):
Follows on recording every Civil War spots during the forthcoming month.
For example, if you're having a crash Gettysburg sale, or
perhaps you could have the Battle of antietam used card promotion,
which is very fine. Many many slogans probably come right
to mind at this time, for example, the retreat at
bull Run. Yes, friendly funny, your used car dealer is

(02:56:29):
retreating once again from bull Run. Come and take advantage
of his terrible defeat. This is all little things that
could be added to put this promotion over. And we
like the idea of the station signing on in the
morning with a rebel yell. This also will cause a
lot of attention and could cause a lot of good,
fine talk and perhaps even a little, well, a little

(02:56:53):
action of the cash registers. So follows. Remember the Civil
War provides a stirring promotional theme. Get it over the top.
And remember in the warns of Abraham Lincoln, the deeds
which we do will not be more remembered, but in
four score and ten years our sales chart. You mind, if,
by paraphrase a bit, our sales chart will show the

(02:57:14):
benefits of the honest labor, the sweat, and the toil
that we put into this great Civil War promotion. Any
questions follows. If there are no questions, we'll see you
downstairs in the green room. We provide a little refreshments
for all you boys and the good hunting fellows. Good hunting. Somehow, somehow,

(02:58:02):
I wonder how it felt to get a to get
a rifle ball on the shoulder through the left lung,
traveling down into the vicinity of the spleen.

Speaker 3 (02:58:12):
At Antietam on either side?

Speaker 2 (02:58:17):
Is that last Romantic war? Isn't that fantastic? The way
we the way we treat our history, the way we
treat our tradition. Can you imagine, for example, can you
imagine a man uh typing out a uh suggested sales
promotion in Paris and he calls it a joan of
Arc promotion. Kit, I have any of you folks out

(02:58:39):
there in the outlying provinces, any of you folks in
the small villages, thought of a joan of Arc promotion?
How how easy it would be to dress some of
your sales girls in joan of Arc costumes?

Speaker 3 (02:58:50):
And uh, do I have to go any further?

Speaker 2 (02:58:56):
Can't you? Can't you imagine in London? Can't you a
dage in London?

Speaker 3 (02:59:01):
The year is nineteen sixty six, and.

Speaker 2 (02:59:04):
They say, do you realize just nine hundred years ago today,
the Battle of Hastings was fought, and we're going to
have our big Hastings promotion. We're going to have people
out dressed as William of Morn.

Speaker 3 (02:59:14):
We're gonna have a hope.

Speaker 2 (02:59:22):
I can see myself being buttonholed by Grant next to
the frozen food counter, and he's got a microphone. This
is you, ask Grant, and I'd like to ask you
how you like birds Eye, Frozen, TV dinner. I doesn't
seem wrong to people, I guess, And is it wrong?
I don't know, There's no question about it. But but

(02:59:44):
more and more our life is becoming really like the
second act of a gigantic production of some lost and
forgotten Olson and Johnson's script. Really, I can hear the
sound of I can hear those those those big batteries,
big bladders being swatted back and forth. I can hear
the sound of seltzer bottlebee being squirted into the wings.

(03:00:07):
If you listen, care but you can almost hear it.
Just just listen, jarous, listen.

Speaker 3 (03:00:11):
Out of the mouth of the alley.

Speaker 2 (03:00:13):
The elephant lay asleep, the wild plant, the wildcat moaned
in the parlor, and the lion murmured peep, peep. Three
hundred thousand coolies play leap prought over a chair, while
a bald headed man with a shoe in his mouth
sat complacently combing his hair out of the depths of
a chimney. Came a hippo's well known scream, while a
bright red rabbit with sixteen legs chased a green cat

(03:00:34):
away from his cream. As I took my bath in
the coal bin, I saw a trolley carborn, and I
bowed by the left hand of Pluto.

Speaker 3 (03:00:44):
I'd stay sober from here.

Speaker 2 (03:00:47):
On it it doesn't matter, is it sober? Innocent?

Speaker 3 (03:00:54):
Innocent, debauched?

Speaker 2 (03:00:56):
The cry the watch word is all the same. Ah penny,
say a penny or in friendly and put them all
in a green ball jar. You know anything about why
they call them ballchars?

Speaker 3 (03:01:09):
Oh, but it doesn't make any difference.

Speaker 2 (03:01:10):
Do you know anything about Monolopy that tat that's the
name of the town that those treats in that Monopoly
game were named after.

Speaker 3 (03:01:23):
Run Than Catoon or Runton can.

Speaker 2 (03:01:27):
Then cartoon and record Than cartoons not out at the downtown,
contre pat. Come on, now, all together, folks, all together,
let's get that big old promotion off the ground. Let's
have a big old thirty year war promotion.

Speaker 3 (03:01:42):
How about that?

Speaker 2 (03:01:43):
And how about all of you folks out there go
hard or good to pursue that gold an idea. What
do you say next year we start to be second
crusade promotion? He has not about We're all addresses knights
of the prusade. Someone can read us. We'll have people
dressed with sarace, and we will let this self. Would

(03:02:34):
you please play me one small chorus of Old by Jingo,
and we will salute all the lost heroes, all the
forgotten heroes, all the heroes of the past who built
our world, who, each one, adding his small drop to
the vast Chinese wall of humanity, was lost and forgotten
the instant he swirled off into obscurity.

Speaker 3 (03:02:53):
We salute the.

Speaker 2 (03:02:55):
Our big salute all the past mankind promotion. We'll get
that old cash register. Mom and dad, let's go all together.

Speaker 5 (03:04:00):
Hold your hand.

Speaker 2 (03:04:05):
Hold it.

Speaker 3 (03:04:07):
I get in the cab last night.

Speaker 2 (03:04:09):
I'm sitting here in the back seat. I'm going to
tell you a documented tale of Manhattan, those of you
who live in Trenton, and it must be Hello there, Philly,
are you still like hell? Felly? Get off your duff felli.

Speaker 3 (03:04:27):
O old Philly.

Speaker 2 (03:04:28):
You can hear it stirring out there, the springs creaking,
somebody muttering once.

Speaker 3 (03:04:33):
A nise out there on Broad Street.

Speaker 2 (03:04:35):
Hello, it's me fe Get off your duffs. Anyway, I'm
at three o'clock in the morning, riding a cab through
the streets of Manhattan. I've gotten into the back.

Speaker 3 (03:04:46):
Seat of this car. I began to realize this cab
driver this was a lodd screen.

Speaker 2 (03:04:52):
I'm trying to make a conversation, you know. And I
say to this cab driver, how's how do you like
your studebaker?

Speaker 3 (03:05:00):
Well, stud baker log? Howe you like it?

Speaker 2 (03:05:02):
This cab driver in a in a very odd said,
oh h, I think he's great. It's a great little cat.
I already dig it.

Speaker 3 (03:05:08):
I realized this cab driver is a chick, A real chick.
I don't mean a lady.

Speaker 2 (03:05:13):
I don't mean a woman.

Speaker 3 (03:05:14):
I don't mean a hippo or a rhino. I mean
a chick, I says.

Speaker 2 (03:05:19):
And she's, you know, she's jabbering away up there in
the front seat, telling me about Yeah, I got this car.
I want a rocking car I had. I'm sure I
love this little car driver one and I just can't help.
And I says, how long you've been a cab driver?

Speaker 3 (03:05:30):
Baby?

Speaker 2 (03:05:31):
And she says seven months? I says seven months. She says, yeah, yeah, boy,
it's a ball.

Speaker 3 (03:05:37):
I says, you like driving a cab? She says yeah.
And she's funny.

Speaker 2 (03:05:42):
She's very funny. There's something very amusing, very huge. You know.
It's kind of like hanging as an aura around this chick.
And I say to her, what did you do before
you got into the cab racket?

Speaker 3 (03:05:54):
And she's really a chick.

Speaker 2 (03:05:56):
She's lovely, she really was. I says yes, And I said,
what did you do before you got in the cam racket?
And she says, well, I was a stripper. I'm actually
a stripper. Actually, I said what she said, Yeah, I'm
taking a few months off, you know, getting away from
the old grind. You know, I said what she says, yeah,
you know, I'm taking a few months off, getting away.

Speaker 3 (03:06:17):
From the old grind.

Speaker 2 (03:06:18):
I said what She just boiling a square. You are
grind grind. I'm a stripper, I said, stripper. She says, yeah,
I work all the joints. Worked down in Miami. He said,
this fantastic brook when I worked down in Miami.

Speaker 3 (03:06:29):
I work all it joints.

Speaker 2 (03:06:30):
Something down. I'm just taking a few months off driving
a cab.

Speaker 3 (03:06:33):
I'm moving out.

Speaker 2 (03:06:33):
The village is great now, you know, just driving pushing
a hack around it and I swinging, you know, it's
a lot of fun. Actually, I'm a stripper. I said,
you're a stripper. Here you're driving a cab. Yeah, I'm
a stripper. I didn't take a few months off, you know.
I said, well, how did you get to be a stripper? Well?
I went to this joint one night with this guy.

Speaker 4 (03:06:49):
Gave me a date.

Speaker 2 (03:06:50):
And when there we're watching the stripper see and it
turns out she's a chick, went to college with me,
went to night school with me. See CN Why And
I said, dumb cluck. She can do what I can
do at fifteen minutes later, I'm up there and I'm
stripping the old chairing. I've been in the business ever,
sis nothing to it. Anybody can do it, I said,
not me. He said, oh well, I said square for

(03:07:10):
a right, boy, I know a couple of clubs. You
probably got away with it, and I said, oh come on,
come on, I lay off with you. How do you
like the cab? This one? I for four hours, it
seemed like pretty soon I got off at my corner,
she went swishing down the street and that was all
last I've seen it her.

Speaker 3 (03:07:25):
How do you like that?

Speaker 2 (03:07:31):
Well? So there I am playing the infield again and
they're doing nothing but hitting long fly balls. Five minutes later,
I'm playing the outfield and they're hitting nothing but grounders. Yes, Sarah,
I like this glove.

Speaker 3 (03:07:45):
Because it's got the best pocket in the business.

Speaker 2 (03:07:48):
Conner Pie keep flows, Keith Flows, let him head up, Charlie,
let him head of Keith Flows, I said, Keith Flows,
bar were with.

Speaker 5 (03:07:55):
You or with you?

Speaker 2 (03:07:55):
Over your care Pie?

Speaker 3 (03:07:58):
Yes, I still got the old third base yab.

Speaker 2 (03:08:00):
Cape w you born were what you want? They went,
You went yourard.

Speaker 3 (03:08:03):
Come on by, keep this.

Speaker 2 (03:08:04):
This guy's got nothing nothing, not not. This guy's nothing.
He's up there swinging a ball of fantist guy can't.

Speaker 3 (03:08:08):
HiT's nothing nothing.

Speaker 2 (03:08:09):
Another up, Children, Up, he's a born butter just thought
you're autumnil. How are you, Philly?

Speaker 3 (03:08:17):
I know kids sent me a letter. I'll read you
the letter. Hold on this being the year.

Speaker 2 (03:08:23):
This is a kid who lives up. I will not
tell you where he lives. Hold that theme in. I
think we need a little razmataz music. He got a
little ruby tooth. Okay about you ought to know what
the kids are thinking.

Speaker 3 (03:08:37):
Now that the kids are in bed.

Speaker 2 (03:08:39):
There are some kids who really got a sharp eye for.

Speaker 3 (03:08:41):
The way it is. Listen carefully.

Speaker 2 (03:08:43):
I got this letter from a kid who lives in Richville.
Made itsville up there in Connecticut where the dough grows
on trees. Dear mister Shepherd, it's from a real fancy streets,
another kind of street called number three Red Fox Lane.
Kind of thing, you know, Dear mister Shepherd. This being
the year now listen carefully. You get a kickout of no, no, no, no,

(03:09:05):
no chat. This is funny. This being the year of
the discovery of my physical manhood with all of its
biological and psychological implications.

Speaker 3 (03:09:13):
I feel I cannot.

Speaker 2 (03:09:14):
Pass up this small opportunity to attempt the small cry
of indignation. This must be some dastardly Communist plot. The
plant manifests itself, this time in the form of the
sixty second filmed commercial, in this case one expostulating on
virtues of a certain cigar. Of course, according to the commercial,
this is the pinnacle achievement, this particular cigar of the

(03:09:35):
entire cigar industry.

Speaker 3 (03:09:37):
The excuse this time.

Speaker 2 (03:09:39):
Is the type of tobacco leaves that make up one
of these cigars. As it first flashes on the TV screen,
the viewer's attention is focused on two birds, one male
and one female love birds, of course. Then the announcer
kroons over the picture.

Speaker 3 (03:09:53):
It happens to birds.

Speaker 2 (03:09:55):
The two cartoon creations move together and a huge heart
appears above them. Next are shown two bees, similarly categorized.
The announcer says it happens to bees. They snuggle up
and another heart appears. Finally, we perceived two tobacco leaves,
one obviously a girl type leaf and one a boy leaf.

(03:10:15):
They embrace and we are told it happens to tobacco leaves. Also,
the lovely couple are taken to what they call a
marrying room, whereas screen is discreetly pulled over the picture
and more hearts appear. The idea is that this cigar
is so superior because it's made of two different strains
of tobacco leaves, each chosen for its own particular characteristics,

(03:10:36):
the boy and girl leaves representing.

Speaker 3 (03:10:38):
The two strains of tobacco.

Speaker 2 (03:10:40):
Then they explained just what the characteristics of the strains
were that caused such a fantastic cigar to come of
a being. On one side of the screen they showed
perhaps twenty girl type leaves and on the other side
twenty boy type leaves. The announcer then went on to
explain that the two types were laver and mildness. Immediately,

(03:11:02):
all the little leaves.

Speaker 3 (03:11:03):
Were branded with either tiny f's or m's.

Speaker 2 (03:11:08):
I'll let you guess which letter our side received. Signed
a sixteen year old male type underneath it in parentheses,
he says very mild. Oh.

Speaker 5 (03:11:22):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (03:11:22):
He went on to say, Sheppard, I'm thinking your night show.
Do you sound like a fish that's been flopping around
on the pier in the sun and some kind hearted
old shrap lady just through your back in the sea.
I enjoy, yes, mister Shephard, and I be that you've
been flopping around this sun. Turn the I'll just kick
you right back in the horse.

Speaker 1 (03:11:45):
Well, that's it for air Checks this week. We will
have more Gene Shepherd next week. I can't always tell
how long each episode is going to be, but we
keep on doing this until we hit the last episode
in nineteen seventy seven. Air Checks is normally a three
hour podcast uploaded weekly and can be heard every Sunday
on the k TI Radio network. See You at the
same time and same channel.

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Episode 112, February 22, 2025 - Jean Shepherd Marathon, Part 6

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 112, February 22, 2025 - Jean Shepherd Marathon, Part 6