Episode 113, March 1, 2025 - Jean Shepherd Marathon, Part 7 - Airchecks

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Welcome to air checks. Here is more of the Jean
Shepherd Marathon on w R in New York City from
February twenty seventh, nineteen sixty one. Native Rights, a lady
cab driver, a beatnik asks for Vanilla, a Manhattan tradition,
three thousand golf scores, a matter of time.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
And it's five sixteen.

Speaker 3 (00:50):
We're late time for Jean Shepherd, and we're going to
listen to way somewhat rare and early example of his work,
a little different style than you may be acause two
of you haven't heard some of these earlier ones. This
one from February the twenty seventh of nineteen sixty one,
and without any further ado, here is Jean Shepherd.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
See the longer the pause, the better. Jerry.

Speaker 4 (01:23):
There's something about silence today that makes everyone in Queen's
feel terribly insecure. And people who are insecure are ready
for anything, wide open, ready for anything. I'm in the

(03:37):
Howard Johnson down there in the village, see, and I'm
minding my own business. I have just finished a Texas Tommy,
which means that everything is right in my world.

Speaker 2 (03:46):
And I'm standing there next to the.

Speaker 5 (03:47):
Ice cream counter when all of a sudden, this guy
walks in right out of the streets.

Speaker 4 (03:51):
See the sun is coming down. It's a beautiful almost,
it's a neo spring day. The sun is coming down.
And this guy walks in since at the counter, says
to the guy behind the counter there were two of
them behind the long marble top thing there, and he
says to him, I'll have vanilla. And the two guys

(04:12):
walked away, the two countermen dressed in white.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
Thirty seconds later, they're.

Speaker 4 (04:16):
Standing fifteen feet from me and one says to the other,
it's one of them beats. Well, of course I knew
then that the world was right and everything was beginning
to fit. Not more than five minutes later, I'm sitting
in the well, don't you get it, don't you know
Howard Johnson four thousand flavors.

Speaker 2 (04:36):
One of them beats?

Speaker 4 (04:37):
Of course, guys, I'm sitting in the bus and I'm
coming uptown, say, and I'm reading the paper and I'm
going through the old bits. The old bits is really
in a sense where you really find out what the
world is about, You find out what men are remembered for.
The things that really count, you know, are the things,
These are the things that are usually the only things that.

Speaker 5 (04:58):
Have ever been written about most of these guys.

Speaker 4 (05:01):
And I'm reading about this one guy who passed into
the Great Beyond, leaving behind him a strong box which
was locked, had four combination locks on it, and was
left in the trustees ship of a very important man
in the bank. They finally busted it open after a
lot of trepidation and worrying on the part of four
hundred relatives who had gathered from over thirty five states
for the reading of the will, and they found that

(05:23):
the strong box contained three thousand golf score cards.

Speaker 5 (05:28):
This man had played at three thousand.

Speaker 4 (05:31):
Different golf courses, and this is what he finally was
noted for in his obituary.

Speaker 2 (05:35):
He saved the cards from.

Speaker 4 (05:37):
Each one of it, and they didn't say what the
scores were. Obviously, this man was afraid that somebody in
the dark, something, some creature that would go bump in
the night, would finally arrive from under his day bed
and steal his golf cards, so he kept them in
the safety posite box down at the chemical corn Exchange bank.
I tell you about the guy that tried to exchange
four thousand pounds of.

Speaker 5 (05:57):
Silver nitrate at the chemical Corn Exchange Bank for Doe.
Nothing happened. They threw him out. I know one guy
that took four bushes.

Speaker 4 (06:05):
Of corn in there one day, crying out loud. I mean,
just don't try to push it too hard.

Speaker 5 (06:11):
You'll find that this is an abstract world, daddy. So
so here's this guy. Now we're inclined, of course, to
laugh at this guy who saved three.

Speaker 4 (06:20):
Thousand golf score cards, right right, Okay, we will now
pause while everyone.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
In Staten Island laughs.

Speaker 5 (06:28):
What a hollow laughter comes ringing out of Staten Island.
Oh sad sadness. Oh I name thy apathetic.

Speaker 4 (06:37):
Bow, sulemn, sulemn smile. So anyway, I mean three thousand
golf score cards. Well, this guy was obviously hung up.
I mean all of us like this was what was important.
And it's, oddly enough, this is what he was mentioned
for in the old bits.

Speaker 2 (06:53):
It didn't say anything else, whether he was.

Speaker 5 (06:54):
A nice guy, whether he was a rotten guy, whether
he loved his mother, whether he kicked his wife every
night after suffer nothing. It did say one thing. He
saved three thousand scorecards from three thousand different golf courses.

Speaker 4 (07:07):
Let that be a lesson to you. Just think it over.
If you think you're going to be remembered because you
were a nice guy or because you were a rotten guy,
forget it.

Speaker 2 (07:16):
He was hung up now.

Speaker 5 (07:18):
It was no more nor less really important in a
sense then whether he had saved three thousand different bonds
from three thousand different companies in a strong deposit.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
But it makes no difference, you know, in alarm run Like.

Speaker 4 (07:30):
Just five minutes after that, I'm leaping through the same paper,
and I've gotten through the obits and there's a big
page full of ads of one kind or another, and
there's an ad that says guaranteed monuments. Underneath it says
guaranteed memorials. Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, look
up memorial, will you please. Someone out there got a dictionary,

(07:51):
please look up look up memorial there for me, and
apply the word guaranteed to it in the front, and
you will see that man is.

Speaker 5 (07:59):
Up to his old tricks again. It's spring, of course.

Speaker 4 (08:01):
It's the abnormal aquinix or the emormal walquinics.

Speaker 5 (08:06):
What is it? The abnormal waquinics or the oral equinox?

Speaker 2 (08:09):
What is it? I mean, whatever it is, it's.

Speaker 4 (08:11):
Up and there's also almost full moon. You know, you
can hear this sniffing and the snuffing down there in
the privet hedges.

Speaker 5 (08:17):
Things are normal. I would like to know, has anybody
out there got a dictionary?

Speaker 4 (08:22):
Please look up memorial for us. Wouldn't you like to
have a guaranteed one?

Speaker 5 (08:27):
Throughout the ages they will say, Charlie was here. He
played every golf course in four thousand counties as a
man boy. Of course, you got to remember what's important.
He was hung up. What are you hung up on?
Everybody's hung up on something.

Speaker 6 (08:41):
I'm got.

Speaker 4 (08:42):
I tell you my old friend Frank. I knew a
guy one time from Philadelphia. Course, it's easy to get
hung up in Philadelphia. Philadelphia, the census are hung up city,
and it's hung up on being Philadelphia. You know, this
is a very special kind of hanging up. And so
this friend of mine, Frank, was not only a Philadelphian.
He was hung up on other things too. He had

(09:03):
a problem. He had a perfect memory for only one thing.
He could remember every meal he'd ever had. And he
was seventy four years old. And Frank kept a notebook.
This is just by way of.

Speaker 5 (09:15):
Reporting on what mankind really is. You know. Frank kept
a notebook, a big fat leather notebook.

Speaker 4 (09:20):
I'm telling you a serious fact. Now, I want you
to listen if you want to learn about your fellow man.
He kept a big loose leaf notebook, one of those
old fashioned black kind.

Speaker 2 (09:29):
With about nine rings. You know, you get special kind of.

Speaker 5 (09:31):
Paper with nine hole paper. And he was very careful
about it. He put all the reinforcements and even before
it got worn.

Speaker 2 (09:37):
You would put them all in there, you know.

Speaker 5 (09:39):
And old Frank he remembered every restaurant he had ever
been and he wrote him down in this little in
this fine Spencerian eighteen ninety five type hand, you know,
the little scratch. He was a lawyer, which made it
even worse, you know how lawyer's right, very careful with
a steel ribbed pad, and Frank would write down the
name of every restaurant he ever ate in. And he
was a bachelor, and he ate in.

Speaker 2 (10:00):
Nothing but restaurants.

Speaker 5 (10:01):
Get it out of your head. This guy would ate all.

Speaker 2 (10:03):
The time in restaurants.

Speaker 4 (10:05):
And so he would write down the name of the restaurant,
and if it was a good restaurant, he would write
it in red ink.

Speaker 5 (10:11):
If it turned out well.

Speaker 4 (10:12):
You see, if it was just an ordinary restaurant, he
would write it in black ink, and if it was
a hotel restaurant, he would write it in red and
put a black star next to it. He used two
pens that he always kept at hand. And then to.

Speaker 5 (10:27):
Make it even worse, his memory made it so that
he remembered every meal he'd ever had. And I can
remember doing this to Frank.

Speaker 4 (10:34):
I would say, Frank, please tell me, tell me about
August nineteen thirteen. He was Audust nineteen thirteen. Surprising thing
you happen to ask about?

Speaker 5 (10:45):
That?

Speaker 4 (10:45):
That's Quintance Dran. I can remember, yes, August fifth, nineteen thirteen.
I was in the Hotel Alexandria. I had just arrived
at ten forty seven am the Hotel Alexandria and Augusta, Maine,
in the Blue Gunien room, and I was approached by
a waitress, a large buck tooth female whom I believe

(11:06):
came I later found out from Bangor, Maine. She said
to me, you should try our prune cramberry ice cream.

Speaker 2 (11:14):
I did. It was delicious.

Speaker 4 (11:15):
Chain I would also like to recommend their chicken croquets.
I would also like to say a nice word for
their clean spinach. That was August fifth, nineteen thirteen. Now
do you have another question?

Speaker 2 (11:28):
And he was hung up.

Speaker 5 (11:29):
Well now I.

Speaker 4 (11:30):
Began to, of course, later on realize that Frank was
no more hung up than any of the rest of us.
I mean, the kid walked in, he just said, I'll
have vanilla. The guy walked away and said, in disgust
to his friend, it's one of them rotten beats.

Speaker 2 (11:46):
So everyone's hung up.

Speaker 5 (11:47):
Everyone's got something wrong with his knee. And if you look,
he says, if you look, look very carefully, I'll come on,
come on, come on, daddy. Everyone's hung up. Some guys
have hung up on peace. Other guys have hung up
on wars, some guys are hung up on love, and

(12:07):
other guys are hung up on mothers. A matter of fact,
this listener type sent me a note, said, mister Shepherd,
I have paraphraise and adage that might enjoyed. The paraphrase read,
mother is the necessity of all inventions, or a mother
is the invention of all necessities, or mother.

Speaker 4 (12:27):
Is the invention of necessity. It makes no difference, It
all fits the same, So.

Speaker 5 (12:32):
Just play it by ear dad. In fact, it's not
more than an hour or two ago.

Speaker 4 (12:37):
I was told by this chick, Well, Frett and I
are just going together and we're going to date. See,
I mean, only in the twentieth century, in nineteen sixty one.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
Could you hear this?

Speaker 5 (12:46):
We're just dating here for a while.

Speaker 4 (12:48):
And he asked me to marry him a couple of
months ago, and I said to him, will look, you
date somebody else for a while, and I'll date somebody
else for a while, because we're just playing.

Speaker 5 (12:57):
By ear now for this time, just playing it by
ear for the time being. Well, I said to her, well,
when are you going to start playing by the music?
I don't know, but we're playing it by ear for
the time being, which is the saddest of all and
the most cutting of all remarks that man makes for
the time being. I wonder how many eighteen billion, trillion

(13:20):
skillion guys are sitting out there in the dark tonight,
scudding through that ethereal fog that hangs over New Jersey
whistle along the Turnpike, living their lives for the time being. Yeah, well,
for the time being, I'm working in the agency, you know,
I'm knocking out some copy for the pickle account. But
I'll get down to brass tacks. Knuckle down, get down

(13:42):
on my knees. Now, knock out that novel. Charm, I'll
knock out that novel. Oh, the wide gulp of difference
between dreams and imagination and ambition, common future horn.

Speaker 4 (13:55):
Get up on that table. Let's here's some of them.
Heel pumpers. Yah will be and this is me, Victor Jurie.

(14:48):
I'll be here till midnight.

Speaker 5 (14:51):
And we have.

Speaker 4 (14:52):
With us here speaking of guaranteed memorials. This is W O, R,
A M and F M in New York. W. While
we're on the subject of the guarantee, if you're out
looking around and scraunging out in the darkness there and
you're looking for something you eat, Prexies is open. They're
open and they'll be swinging until two o'clock this morning.

(15:13):
You know, has it ever occurred to you that the
only I had the wildest experience in Rome? There is
a there is a place in Rome. I don't know
how many if you've ever been to Rome. But to
those of you who haven't, you might be interested in this.
And to those of you who have, you will remember
this undoubtedly. But there is a place in Rome that serves,

(15:36):
without a question of a doubt, the worst hamburgers in
the Western Hemisphere.

Speaker 2 (15:42):
It's a very funny thing.

Speaker 4 (15:43):
About native foods that wherever you go in any country,
it doesn't make any difference. Word is, whether it's France
or Belgium, any place I have been. The hip thing
to do among the hippies in that particular country is
to dig this stuff from some other country into place,
down everything in their own country.

Speaker 5 (16:02):
This is the hip thing to do. And so I'm
not in Rome.

Speaker 4 (16:05):
Three days when I meet this very hip type Roman
and I'm out there, you know, everybody's moving around, and
this guy says, look, I'll take you to a real place.

Speaker 5 (16:13):
This really swings. Now, this makes it, Dad. So this
is okay.

Speaker 2 (16:18):
And so about half.

Speaker 4 (16:19):
An hour later we're in this terrible hamburger joint and
it is the worst, I'm telling you.

Speaker 5 (16:25):
He says, this really makes it. He says, this the real.

Speaker 2 (16:28):
Stuff, you know.

Speaker 4 (16:29):
And so he says, oh, is it And he says, yes,
sir dad, And he says, the real stuff. And so
they trot out these hamburgers, said look like they were
made out of old golf balls with ketchup on them
and bad ketchup. If you can imaginetchup that tasted like
old tomatoes, nothing else in it, with a little salt.

Speaker 5 (16:45):
This is what they were doing. And all the guys
behind the counter were trying to make like they were
from Brooklyn. You know, it's just like have you ever
seen all these waiters up.

Speaker 4 (16:55):
And down forty ninth Streets and these two bits the
French restaurants will come from the Bronx, all trying to
make like here from France for the tourists. The wildest
thing you ought to hear, some of that grand concourse French.

Speaker 5 (17:06):
And this is this is the way it was in Rome.
These guys are walking around there and there, and here
I am from headquarters. See, I'm from home base. I'm
an old Prexies man from way back. I've been eating
Prexies hamburgers since before.

Speaker 4 (17:19):
They got their first gun. And I'm eating this terrible hamberger.
And I don't I don't know what to say to
this swing in Roman. You know, he's he's telling me
how great this is. And the name of the joint
is the Californian.

Speaker 5 (17:30):
There this way, oh, the most world's off it.

Speaker 4 (17:33):
And here it is right in the middle of Rome,
and this is the hip place for the Romans to go.

Speaker 2 (17:38):
And little do we realize, most.

Speaker 4 (17:40):
Of us don't that that one of the few native
art forms that we have contributed to the world is
the hamburger.

Speaker 5 (17:47):
This really is native American food.

Speaker 2 (17:49):
You know, when you when you.

Speaker 4 (17:50):
Think of native French food, you think of native Italian food,
you think of native English food, which is that old sponge.

Speaker 2 (17:57):
That they put out there.

Speaker 5 (17:58):
I don't know what native English food is, kind of
like that, like boiled wash rags or something.

Speaker 2 (18:03):
I've had it.

Speaker 5 (18:03):
It's very strange stuff. But that's that's Native English food. See,
there's all kinds of native foods, and the native American
food is the hot.

Speaker 2 (18:12):
Dog and the hamburger.

Speaker 5 (18:13):
Now the hip thing, of course is to put it down,
but this is the native American food, and nobody does
it better than we do. I mean, we're the natives,
you know. I mean, let's face.

Speaker 2 (18:25):
It, we are natives.

Speaker 4 (18:27):
And one day, when of course it's already happening, our
economy is going, you know, it's all blowing up from
the dollars worth nothing in Brussels and stuff.

Speaker 5 (18:34):
Eventually I can see it now, can't you? See all
the guys out here in out here in the lower Bay.

Speaker 4 (18:40):
There'll be guys meeting the ships coming in, see, and
there'll be rowing rowboats along.

Speaker 5 (18:44):
Hey, hey, we got I have natives, but statue statue
of liberty, native statue, liberty here.

Speaker 4 (18:51):
Real and guys diving for Copex. And there'll be guys
down here off Coney Island, see, and the ships will
be coming in from Italy and from Germany. The tourists
will be coming about a million, and there'll be thousands
of guys down here by the Hudson River piers, you
know where the boats come in there, and they'll be.

Speaker 5 (19:05):
Diving for leris hell, let me diving. Then they go on.
The natives are.

Speaker 4 (19:10):
Throwing them in and it's gonna happen, believe me. And
of course the all the all the tourists from Europe
will be walking around taking pictures of you in your
native garb, you know, with your Chesterfield on and your
your little snapgrim hat. And they say the funny little things,
and you know, they wear them right out on the streets.
It's a very strange thing. And not notice that one
over there with a for crying out loud, and they'll

(19:32):
be taking pictures of us, and you can charge them
fifty cents a shot. I mean, just like they do
in room. But as I was saying, if you want
a real find, if a Hamburger were to buy a Hamburger.

Speaker 2 (19:43):
In New York, it would go to Prexy's.

Speaker 4 (19:45):
As a matter of fact, the Hamburger's hamburger is a
Prexy Hamburger, the hamburger with the college education.

Speaker 2 (19:50):
As they say.

Speaker 4 (19:51):
Funny thing, you know. I came to New York the
first time I ran into Prexy's. It says, the hamburger
with the college education.

Speaker 5 (19:57):
And I thought, I.

Speaker 4 (20:00):
When I was in college where four thousand other Hamburgers
are with me. It's nothing new, believe me, in the Midwest,
the big ten colleges. But if you're out looking for
a Hamburger, you'll find prexy'ses and business until till two
o'clock this morning, all up and down Lexington Avenue, and
the big one down here on Sheridan Square, right in

(20:21):
the heart of the village. Prexy's is right there, right
right around the corner from the paper book Gallery. And incidentally,
Prexy's is opening a new place and a word of
advice this Saturday, this Saturday when Prexy's opens.

Speaker 2 (20:35):
They're opening right around the corner.

Speaker 4 (20:36):
They're going to have two stories right right within one
hundred feet of each other, and right around the corner,
right next.

Speaker 5 (20:42):
To the paper book gallery. They're opening a Prexy's.

Speaker 4 (20:45):
And only two guys who come in Saturday, and it's
going to be you know, you know, Saturday is in
the village.

Speaker 2 (20:51):
The village.

Speaker 5 (20:51):
If you can imagine a whole town sweating, well that's
what happens to the village. Or on Friday night it
begins to break out in.

Speaker 2 (20:58):
A cold sweat, you know, and you.

Speaker 5 (20:59):
Could just feel a lands bulging and I, oh.

Speaker 2 (21:01):
Boy, it's wild.

Speaker 4 (21:02):
And if you're going to make the village scene, I
would suggest you step into this Prexies, the new one
that's opening up Saturday morning. And all you got to
do is say quietly, say it quietly because they don't
want any disturbances there, you know, no demonstrations there yet.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
Just come in and say excels here and.

Speaker 4 (21:20):
The guy will put down on the table in front
of you absolutely scop free dad, a great big strawberry
shortcake with soft ice cream with strawberries, and that works
free on the house. Just saying excels here. Have you
ever had their soft ice cream? Native dish? Fantastic Native dish.
I'm going to take you down to the Native quarter.
There's all kinds of things down there. This is prexies.

(21:42):
But you know, speaking of native of Native customs, I'm
about oh, maybe fifteen or twenty minutes ago.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
Believe me, this is a native custom.

Speaker 4 (21:52):
And maybe you don't, maybe you don't recognize it as such,
but about twenty minutes or so before I'm coming.

Speaker 2 (21:57):
On the air.

Speaker 5 (21:58):
This only happens all through the summer, in the spring
and in the fall. It closes down in the winter time.

Speaker 4 (22:04):
All these people who are standing around on the street corners,
there's this one. Particularly the people who harangue the crowd,
who are haranguing in favor of goodness, sweetness.

Speaker 2 (22:15):
And light and other things, but they do so.

Speaker 4 (22:18):
With a fantastic look of hate in their eye. So
there's this one woman who has projection. Believe me, I
think you can hear her all the way out to
Statn Island.

Speaker 5 (22:26):
On a good clear night with the wind against her.

Speaker 4 (22:28):
She's wild, and before she's out there in for five
minutes over there, about forty fifth to forty sixth street.
She's got a crowd of people, all of them are
teed off, and she says, tell you what.

Speaker 5 (22:43):
A love now, oh love love, whoa, And these people
are all standing around the prey. Soon, of course the
natives get get in an uproar, and the next thing
you know, you have a small, itinerant civil war breaking
out there all on the on the behalf of and.

Speaker 2 (22:58):
In the name of love.

Speaker 5 (23:00):
She's got this big flag behind her, so sad and
love whooo.

Speaker 4 (23:06):
And she's got ooh, the most wild looking eyes. She's
really it's wild.

Speaker 5 (23:11):
And this is a native right, hardly any of us
recognize it as such. And I'm sure. And I'm walking
down through Times Square and directly ahead of me there were.

Speaker 4 (23:20):
Four people wearing sari's. Obviously they had just come from India.
In fact, they had come so recently they still had
the cameras and stuff around them. Say, and they're walking
right through Times Square and suddenly they see what's going
on over there, and they speak. It gets even better,
and so they turn right and they go over to
see what's going on.

Speaker 2 (23:40):
There's about five hundred.

Speaker 4 (23:41):
People gathered around, and this doll is running around back
and forth. Her eyes are just just like like two
pinpoints of two solid steel ice picks, looking at everybody.
And she's screaming and her neck is kind of kind
of bulging out with anger and with all sorts.

Speaker 2 (23:58):
Of wild suppressing emotions.

Speaker 4 (24:00):
And obviously she is right in the middle of her
great glory and she is haranguing the crowd.

Speaker 5 (24:05):
Ah, yes, oh yeah, whoa you are? I had thoughts
it chapter fourteen, right a you sham mon't you fella? Man?

Speaker 7 (24:16):
You?

Speaker 5 (24:17):
And these Native Indians are walking around looking at this
and all.

Speaker 4 (24:20):
The rest of the American Natives are shouting back at
this woman. And I'm wondering what these.

Speaker 5 (24:26):
People who are wearing the foort saris are thinking, you see.

Speaker 4 (24:29):
And they're taking pictures with their nikon. They have the
one four lens, you know. They're shooting away there and
I can just see the letters going home to New Delhi.
Dear Krishna.

Speaker 2 (24:41):
Last night.

Speaker 4 (24:42):
Last night, Dear Krishna, I saw and witnessed one of
the most interesting of.

Speaker 5 (24:46):
All Native American rights.

Speaker 4 (24:48):
I was not able to ascertain what it was about,
but apparently with some ritual that.

Speaker 5 (24:54):
Seemed to have something.

Speaker 2 (24:55):
To do with love.

Speaker 5 (24:57):
I am.

Speaker 4 (24:58):
I am at a loss to understand what this precisely that,
but there was a woman who walked back and forth.

Speaker 5 (25:03):
Dear Krishna, I shall write you later, and when.

Speaker 4 (25:07):
I send my pictures, which I am having developed at
the local drug store, I'll have to tell.

Speaker 5 (25:11):
You about what drug stores are, Krishna, in my next letter.
They're wonderful, interesting places. I will send you a letter
telling you about what drug stores are, and after I
have my pictures developed, I will also tell you more
about this Native American right. I am visiting the museum
this afternoon and I'm going to ask the information department there.
They speak rather good English there. I'm going to ask

(25:34):
the information department if they know anything about this Native
American right and if I can look up some information
on it. I think it would be an interesting paper
that I could write. I am going back tomorrow night
to see if they are going to have another one
of these rights. Thank you, Krishna. Some poor clown just

(26:20):
call him? Who does he think he is? Jack Parr?

Speaker 4 (26:24):
Who do you think you are? God said down? Will
your dad take it easy? Be careful, You're dealing with
large people. You know, you know it's a funny thing.
But the Native American rights go on and on and
on in this world. And one of the most intriguing

(26:44):
native rights that I've witnessed in a long time is
a particular.

Speaker 2 (26:47):
And very peculiar.

Speaker 5 (26:49):
Native right, native very much to the island of Manhattan.
I have never seen this anywhere else. I have never
been in.

Speaker 2 (26:56):
Uh.

Speaker 5 (26:56):
Well, this is the thing I noticed years ago, and.

Speaker 4 (26:58):
I'm i'm I've been making all sorts of researches into it.

Speaker 5 (27:02):
Now.

Speaker 4 (27:02):
For example, over here on about forty ninth or fiftieth Street,
right off right off of Seventh Avenue, there's a bowling alley. Now,
this is the downstairs type of bowling alley. It's underneath
the Chinese restaurant, which is a typical Manhattan combination.

Speaker 2 (27:17):
Bowling Chinese restaurants.

Speaker 5 (27:19):
And above the.

Speaker 4 (27:19):
Chinese restaurant is a place that says, in neon gypsy
tea red leaves, red free, come in and a big
picture of a palm there, you know. And this is
Manhattan swinging along there a combination of bowling, mysticism, ancient
ancient oriental foods with a little touch of a little

(27:40):
touch of magic tossed and yeah, oh the druids are
out by the score.

Speaker 5 (27:45):
This is the well.

Speaker 4 (27:46):
Of course, there's two things that there are two things
that bring the Manhattan Druids out the course.

Speaker 2 (27:52):
Naturally.

Speaker 4 (27:53):
The most obvious thing is it's full moon. It's the
all sorts of things are beginning to gnaw pop out
at the edges. And so I'm standing there looking at
a sign where this bowling alley goes downstairs, and that's
got all kinds of little pictures in the glass case there,
And of all things, there's a picture of Rosemary Lane bowling,
and it says Rosemary Lane bowling at our fantastic seven

(28:16):
Lane Bowling Emporia. And I'm looking up and down there's
pictures about nine pictures of Rosemary Lane bowling.

Speaker 5 (28:22):
Well, in case you don't know who Rosemary Lane was, Rosemary.

Speaker 4 (28:25):
Lane starred in innumerable b pictures back in the nineteen thirties.

Speaker 2 (28:30):
She was the Queen of the Bees, along.

Speaker 4 (28:32):
With Claire Trubber and Priscilla Lane, her sister. Well, here's
Rosemary Lane bowling in these pictures. Now, she probably hasn't
made a picture since the fall of thirty nine, since
Hitler invaded Poland, which unstrung her completely.

Speaker 5 (28:45):
She was very bad and wore pictures. She didn't have
the right look in the eye or something. She was
in these kind of Valentine pictures, you know, they made
before the war.

Speaker 4 (28:53):
And here is Rosemary Lane. So I couldn't resist that.
I go downstairs and here's this little, short, fat guys
next to the cash register, and he's got a short cigar,
and you can see all these guys.

Speaker 5 (29:04):
Over there bowling away. They're banging around.

Speaker 4 (29:06):
And you can hear the guys setting them up there
playing snooker. And I go up to the guy and says,
has rose been around lately? And he says what I said,
Rosemary she come around anymore? Sway are you talking about?

Speaker 5 (29:16):
Mac? I says, it's Rosemary been in lately? Rosemary Lane? Now,
come on, she comes around here, hangs around this joint.
Has she been around lately? I'm looking for her? So
what are you talking about?

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Mac?

Speaker 5 (29:27):
I says, Rosemary Lane hangs around this joint? How long
has it been she's.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
Been in here?

Speaker 5 (29:31):
God, I don't know what you're talking about. Get out
of here. Mac, you want a ball, I'll put you down.

Speaker 4 (29:35):
On the list here. There are three guys ahead of you,
he says, open bowling tonight. I says, Okay. Well, when
I see Rosemary, I'll tell her you forgot her. She'll
make you take her picture down. He says, get out
of here.

Speaker 5 (29:45):
Mac.

Speaker 4 (29:47):
I mean, so, I figure, you know, I'm onto something good.
So I drop into this barbershop. And this barbershop is
a big picture of Steve Allen there in the window.
See and now a big picture, he says to to Fred,
the greatest barber in Manhattan, Steve Averno. So I go
in there and I says, hey, Steve been around lately?

Speaker 2 (30:06):
This is what are you talking about?

Speaker 4 (30:07):
There's this guy all night, all night hair cuttery, see,
and his hair looks like it's made out of pap
of leather. And he's not smoking a cigar, but you
know that he's even when he isn't smoking.

Speaker 5 (30:18):
A cigar, there's one there. So I says, Steve been
around by? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 (30:22):
Steve?

Speaker 5 (30:23):
Who you?

Speaker 2 (30:23):
Who are Are you?

Speaker 5 (30:24):
You a cop?

Speaker 4 (30:26):
I said, no, I'm looking for Steve Areno. There's a long,
pregnant pause. See you and the numbers, biz, I said,
I am not in the numbers racket Jack, I'm looking.

Speaker 5 (30:37):
For Steve Reno. See been around? I sweet meeting? He said,
Look you're not gonna Paen notoh, not on me. Ain't
been around here, ain'ting around. I don't know who, I
says Steve Allen. Steve, He's no, no, don't get out.
Don't know, don't know, don't know them, and he goes
back to clipping hair.

Speaker 4 (30:56):
Yeah that I'm in this. I'm in the shoeshine parlor.
And hanging over the cash register is a picture of
Fife Schwartz, famous band leader, girl band leader.

Speaker 2 (31:08):
And she's standing there in.

Speaker 5 (31:09):
This gold Lammeae gown, Fefe Schwartz and her Manhattan Society
strutters and you can see all the.

Speaker 2 (31:14):
Guys sitting back with the trombones.

Speaker 4 (31:16):
And I says, hey, Charlie, how long has it been
since Fife's been in here to get her pump shined?

Speaker 5 (31:20):
He says, Fifi who? I said, Feoffe Schwartz, the famous
band leader. There's a picture of there. Over there s
a Fefee Schwartz. And I says, there, I see your
picture hanging up over the cash readers. Oh, Fefe Schwartz. Yeah,
I said, well has she been in ladies? I don't know.
I said, well, what do you got the picture of you?
I don't know I was there when I bought them joint.

Speaker 4 (31:40):
I don't know who Peefee Schwartz is. The pictures come
with the lease. Apparently New York.

Speaker 5 (31:47):
Has cleaning places that are recommended by five thousand different
tenderant tap dancers. Have you ever been in these places?
There's sides, all kinds of tap dancers, guys with maryanads, puppets,
all sorts of guys looking out to Fred, the greatest
cleaner in the world. This guy never lost the button yet,
signed Charlie. You know, all of them looking obviously theatrical
pictures looking at and this is this is very very special.

(32:10):
Oh and there's another picture that is apparently Jack Dempsey
has his has had his picture taken with every guy
that runs a cigar stand in four counties, every guy,
and Bob Hope too. There's about nineteen thousand pictures of
Bob Hope with his arm around his little short fat
guy smoking a cigar to friend, the greatest cigar dealer

(32:30):
in a biz, Bob.

Speaker 2 (32:33):
Looking.

Speaker 4 (32:34):
This is a Manhattan a tradition, almost a complete native
tradition that must be preserved at all costs. You know,
nobody's ever asked me when I first came to New York.

Speaker 5 (32:45):
I'm walking around.

Speaker 4 (32:46):
I'm out of work, seeing I'm walking back and forth,
and I see all these guys in the windows, all
sorts of guys. Ed Sullivan, five thousand different voice circuit
comics named Jackie Jackie are all.

Speaker 5 (32:56):
Looking at you know. And they got that big grin,
that big toothy grin of the that's a little too wide,
and little pel that's four inches wide, you know, either
that or it's a new meter wide, depends whatever the
style is. They go six feet further, you know. If
it's narrow lapels, they got nolapels. The lapels are turned
under it, you know. And so here's Jackie Jackie looking
out his big mop of hair, and he's working out,

(33:18):
big big grin, says Jackie Jackie Freddy, the greatest little
old restaurant man in the world, Jackie Jackie. And so
I'm walking on the gee. These are the guys that
must have made it, you know.

Speaker 4 (33:29):
It's a sign of having made it to have to
have your picture in a delicatessen window in Manhattan.

Speaker 2 (33:40):
This is making it.

Speaker 4 (33:41):
I mean, to have your picture up in a cleaning
joint or a place where they shine shoes this is
making it, and it all and has even to this day,
has impressed me as a thing that is making it.
And I'm waiting you see, and it seems terrible.

Speaker 5 (33:56):
I don't know. Do these people take their pictures in
there to get.

Speaker 4 (33:59):
Hung up or are they requested? I mean, does somebody
pass the judgment? I had never once had anybody ask
me for my picture to hang up in the.

Speaker 2 (34:07):
Shoe shine place.

Speaker 5 (34:08):
And I got my shoes shined regularly, and I got
my suits the other day. It's a freight. I had
a stack of fourteen pictures, all signed to Charlie. And
I'm standing in Charlie's cleaning joint and I'm holding these
pictures up so we can't help but see them. You know.

Speaker 4 (34:22):
All around me is are pictures of Fefe Schwartz and
Ed Sullivan and dancers and tap dancers and people wearing
all kinds of funny.

Speaker 5 (34:30):
Silk hats and stuff. And I'm standing there holding He
never wants popped it, He never.

Speaker 2 (34:33):
Wants Do you push? What do you do?

Speaker 5 (34:36):
Do you pull? Or do you just stand? Do you
shift on one foot? Or don't you want's bugging you? Dad?

Speaker 4 (34:41):
Three thousand golf scores don't worry about it, Hey, don't
worry about it. Three thousand golf scores. They'll never rob
you ever. Come on, stand up?

Speaker 5 (34:53):
What's this guy think he has? Jack Parr or something
on state? Nylon is fermenting tonight? Bubble bubble, toil and
trouble this and steam, oh, boil the pop clean. We
are in the big apple, Dad, of which there is

(35:15):
no bigger, a giant big apple, and that small worm
is pouring its way through this enormous What kind of
an apple is Manhattan to macintosh? A golden delicious? What
type does it stand for? What do you stand for?
What is now? Believest?

Speaker 4 (35:32):
Stand up and becoming? Every man in his turn must
be common? Is who is or issue?

Speaker 8 (35:38):
At?

Speaker 5 (37:47):
Hey? This is a real good tuba, man, listen to
That is an e flat upright tuba. In case you're interested,
here as an e flat upright tuba. Well, there are

(38:09):
many misconceptions about cooba players. Yeah, it's funny, it's uh,
it's uh, it's.

Speaker 2 (38:20):
An odd thing, this this business of time.

Speaker 5 (38:24):
I no, no, don't, don't, don't duck away and say
that's a cliche.

Speaker 2 (38:27):
You know, stop it. It isn't so much of a
cliche as you.

Speaker 5 (38:30):
Think that that a person in in.

Speaker 4 (38:34):
Uh, well, I hate to say radio, because it certainly
isn't exclusively radio, but a person who who lives by
a kind of measuring of time, and certainly radio does this.
You begin to have a very almost it's it's almost
like a taste.

Speaker 2 (38:53):
How can I say it?

Speaker 4 (38:54):
The time is almost uh almost tangible.

Speaker 2 (39:00):
You can almost feel it. And I can tell you
this that.

Speaker 4 (39:03):
Being on at this hour between eleven forty five quarter
to twelve, that period from eleven fifteen to midnight is
about us different. I can't describe it except to say
that it's a completely different dish of tea.

Speaker 5 (39:21):
I've been doing for the last three or four years.

Speaker 4 (39:23):
Ever since we left the nighttime all night show, which
was in nineteen fifty six, I've been doing all sorts
of sort of half daytime, half nighttime things.

Speaker 5 (39:35):
And this is is.

Speaker 4 (39:39):
Like returning to something that you haven't eaten for a
long time, but you vaguely remember that you liked, and
suddenly you're having it again and it tastes even better
than you thought it tasted, and it makes everything is
a very very odd thing, this business of time. And
I also suspect that it is applicable on a much

(40:01):
wider scale, too, that almost everything that we do in
our lives is very closely and tightly governed by.

Speaker 5 (40:12):
This, almost totally. In fact, there are some philosophers who say.

Speaker 4 (40:17):
It is a completely imaginary concept called time. No one
has ever been able to determine whether time exists for
rocks or not.

Speaker 5 (40:26):
Not.

Speaker 4 (40:26):
Actually it's the thing we have created. But whatever it is,
it both controls us and we think we control it.
And here I am sitting and it's the time between
eleven fifteen and midnight. For me is about like a
tiny drop of something that I am used to having

(40:47):
a glassful or a cup of. But the drop is
so much sweeter because it is only a drop that
a cup would be too much. Now that they drop
is very important to me. A kid wrote me a
note saying.

Speaker 5 (41:01):
Shepherd says, you sound since you got on.

Speaker 4 (41:03):
The night show, he said, back again at night, you
sound like a fish that's been flopping in the sun
on a pier that's been thrown back in the ocean
by a kindly.

Speaker 5 (41:11):
Old shaft lady. There's some truth in that.

Speaker 4 (41:15):
Another one wrote and said, Shepherd, I hesitate to write
you this letter because in the past, every time I've
written a letter to somebody, they have immediately disappeared forever.

Speaker 2 (41:25):
She said.

Speaker 4 (41:26):
The last time I wrote a letter was back in
the mid nineteen forties.

Speaker 5 (41:29):
I gave up, she said. After that, I wrote a letter.

Speaker 4 (41:31):
To Henry Morgan when Morgan was on your station, she said,
and he immediately disappeared immediately. And she says, I hesitate
to write this letter, but I'm writing this letter because
it seems like there is a chance that you might
be there for a while. Now I'm only saying it
seems like now. Of course, this is all, of course
an illusion. And then she went out and say it

(41:52):
it must be. It must be obvious that Wor is
actually run by a kind of fairy god mother.

Speaker 5 (42:02):
That somehow digs gnomes and secretly, secretly has a great
fear that the sky is falling down.

Speaker 4 (42:10):
Well, all of the things you're saying, baby, are true.
As a matter of fact, the sky is constantly falling
down in this business. You can hear the creaking of
the hinges. Those hinges, by the way, are the well
known hinges of Hell, which, as you know, creak mightily
and are constantly opening and shutting. As a matter of fact,
there is some talk now that they're swinging doors. If

(42:33):
you had your choice, I mean, you know, there's a
secret desire to go to both places. If you could
have the worst of both possible worlds, I think you
might because really, I mean, you can't see yourself in
a place where nobody, where everybody's all the time and
there's nothing but music playing, and you sit there and
you're never unhappy, nothing, no tension, no problem, of course not,

(42:56):
and a place where nobody is better than anybody else.
Everybody's got to be better than somebody else somehow secretly.

Speaker 2 (43:03):
Again, this is something we will never admit. This is
why a lot of.

Speaker 4 (43:06):
Guys vaguely either you've got to have somebody that you
know is better than you are, or you've got to
be better than somebody.

Speaker 2 (43:12):
It depends.

Speaker 5 (43:13):
You know. There's a recessive in the aggressive characters in
the mankind, and a lot of people get terribly unhappy
when they can't see anybody on the immediate horizon who
is better.

Speaker 4 (43:24):
Than they are, because they secretly feel they're pretty rotten and.

Speaker 5 (43:28):
There's got to be somebody that's better than me running
the show. There's got me got rotten guys like.

Speaker 4 (43:33):
Me run Michelle, oh boy. And so this creates dictatorships,
by the way, among other things, kings, all the rest
of it.

Speaker 2 (43:41):
You're not creates all this sort of things.

Speaker 4 (43:43):
And then there's the other type of person who is
not happy unless he's better than somebody. And so the
army is a very beautiful place for both types of person.
If your rise to be corporal, you're better than any
PFC in the lot, and you feel good.

Speaker 2 (43:56):
You're a little bit good.

Speaker 5 (43:57):
And if you're a private and you want to be
a private, you want every everybody in the army is
better than you, and you can see it right on
their shoulder, no question about So.

Speaker 4 (44:07):
I mean, maybe your picture one day will be right there.
I'll tell you what I'd like to do if I
ever had a bar and grille or something like that,
I would line my walls with totally unknown people, just
their pictures, their friend, the greatest bartender in the business,
signed Charlie Abanathy Queen's and I'd get all these these
very theatrical pictures made of them.

Speaker 5 (44:27):
And never say anything about who they were. And believe me,
the people who would come in would believe that they're celebrities.

Speaker 4 (44:33):
Somehow, someplace they would be. Come on, come on, just
all you got to do is pull your stomach in.
That's all, pull your stomach in. Remember, Well, I can't
exactly tell you what to remember. I mean, you know,
it's like this kid walking into Howard Johnson's down there.

Speaker 2 (44:50):
I'm in the order, you know.

Speaker 5 (44:51):
I mean, I'll tell you any more than that. Oh, yes,
one thing, keep your mid oil. You never know when
the call might come. You know, they're scraping the bottom
of the barrel.

Speaker 2 (45:01):
Let me tell you this.

Speaker 5 (45:01):
This sad guy that friend of mine came in dragging
in the station the other day and he looks real sad. Oh,
he's real sad. I said, what's the matter of Claude?
He says, well, I'm reading the sport page. I said,
what are you reading, Claude. Yeah, I'm reading the sport
page and I'm reading about Stan Musil. I said, what's
the matter of Stan musiald Well, it says that Stan
Musil is now the oldest extant ballplayer.

Speaker 4 (45:22):
And he's going to give up after the season. I'm
one semester older than Stan. I said, what he said, Well,
what means I can never make it now ever, ever.

Speaker 5 (45:30):
Ever again, So secretly we all feel you know, I
always was good going to my right. Actually I still
feel good. There's a lot of ballplayers that are playing
yet today that are older than me.

Speaker 2 (45:41):
I feel great about it.

Speaker 6 (45:42):
You know.

Speaker 5 (45:43):
I'm sitting out there at Yankee Stadium one day and
all of a sudden the word comes Ralph Hawkin's out there,
Are there any second basement and emergency second basement? Five
minutes later, I'm out there and I got my knickers
rolled up over my knees, you know, And I have
borrowed a glove from Hank Foller or somebody. An't you
know what I mean. Don't push, don't push, Dad, keep
your knees, Luke, and keep your panny down.

Speaker 2 (46:04):
You never know, I know, Sue Wit, you.

Speaker 3 (46:06):
Know Jean Shepherd from February the twenty seventh, nineteen sixty one.
An old rare one to wrap up mass backwards. This
has been Max Schmid. Guess what I'll be back at
the same time tomorrow, filling in for Susan Brown. Punkin hardcore,
except we're going to do new wave because well, punkin

(46:28):
hardcore is not really my field. Well, there is no wave,
but we'll be doing it anyway, So join me three
thirty six tomorrow. Stay tuned for a wake up call
following immediately here on a listener sponsor to WBAI in
New York.

Speaker 2 (46:42):
We're not White, It's here and the crew soon to follow.

Speaker 1 (46:47):
From March first, nineteen sixty one, H. G. Grubbage and
the News, A crack in suburban Philadelphia, Ricky and Debbie
and Sardine Land a nose flute solo, Babe Ruth and
the Wooden Pig.

Speaker 4 (47:00):
I worked for a guy who could look you in
the eye, and somehow you felt that if you didn't
make it with this guy, you would never make it
anywhere in the world.

Speaker 5 (47:07):
If somehow he didn't love you, if he did not
accept you, embrace you, and in some way, shape or form,
show that he has placed you in his great book
of those who have made it with him, you would
never ever possibly exist outside of it. Oh No, guy
rosen egerboy became a US Senator and is now today
a very famous and important judge.

Speaker 2 (47:31):
And look you right in the eye.

Speaker 4 (47:33):
I don't know what it is, but then, of course
I've had this trouble for a long time. I'm a
constant observer of cracks in the sidewalk. I like to
see how those cracks go back and for somehow they
make patterns, you know, they make shapes. I like to
look at the sides of old buildings where you can
see old signs that have been erased. Old movies and

(47:54):
ancient stage plays and old advertising campaigns have fizzled up,
like all of them doing the engine all And I'm
a collector of this sort of tribua. Of course, this
has never been and never will be listed on the
big board of human achievements. But you know, some of
us get hung up on one thing. Others get hung
up on another. Like I received this letter that said,

(48:16):
in a testing voice.

Speaker 5 (48:17):
I am a cheft, definitely, I refuse to I'm a
I'm a veritable pillar.

Speaker 2 (48:22):
Of strength in our neighborhood.

Speaker 4 (48:24):
I am noted as one of the leading Oh it
is terrible that it went on and on, and I
just will you please get that schizophrenic raving mister Shepherd
off the radio and put on some nice man playing
nice music, which, of course is a Skeitzo freeding manifestation
if I ever heard of it in our time. A
nice man playing nice music, and all the while the
tom toms are beating.

Speaker 5 (48:45):
Just beyond the next dark cloud. Stop a minute, here, matter, stop,
hold on.

Speaker 2 (48:52):
Now, you know, when you begin.

Speaker 5 (48:54):
To collect these little these little bits of.

Speaker 4 (48:56):
Tribuae, you begin to see that that they do have
a universal and some kind of a deep, sinister meaning,
because I have a suspicion within the heart of man
there lies this beautiful, irreverent creature, This creature that is
constantly going to petuy right out of the corner of
the mouth and choose a very cheap brand of chewing tobacco,

(49:19):
never smokes anything that has any kind of a filter
around it at all, and has been known to blow
its nose in its sleeve.

Speaker 5 (49:28):
Now, this is the only side of man, of course,
that really has any actual value, and it's the side
of man that we are always pushing down constantly. And
the more a person becomes aware of this, the more
a person works hard to prevent anyone from knowing he
or she has this side, And so they develop all
kinds of little tricks, mannerisms of walk, official looks on

(49:49):
the face, wobbling jowls, all sorts of things that denote
and cannote in our time respectability, But nevertheless you cannot
beat it down. It rises that little creature shall rise
to we shall rise again. And there's hardly anything today
that is really, in a sense more respectable than the

(50:10):
news cast. I mean, it speaks of great events and
great people, as though our world, your world, my world.

Speaker 4 (50:19):
Was a series of enormous shows being played on some
stage removed thousands of miles from us. Mister Kennedy makes
a statement, Mister Khrushaw makes counter statement. Bandit Nehru makes
a statement, and then there's another statement made by King Farouk,
and back and forth go these gigantic balloons, and all

(50:40):
the while you're having a problem with your knee, you know,
And all the while you continue to catch a cold
of your soul.

Speaker 2 (50:48):
It's sniffling, and once in.

Speaker 5 (50:49):
A while this little creature go too joy and it's
chewing tobacco like mad. And of course your face is
the face of a proper viewer. What Less Smith said
in the middle of his his newscast, He's giving this
commercial for TV Guide, and it came out of my
monitor speaker like tootle twin ice picks show and stuck

(51:10):
right in the wall there, right over Pegeen's cat pictures,
go Home, There the Truth, Pegean's cat paintings, and Less
Smith's mo Right in the middle of the of the
TV guide commercial, he says, yes, TV Guide will make
you enjoy TV more because it will enable you to
understand it better. I think the problem with TV is

(51:33):
that most people understand it only too well.

Speaker 2 (51:37):
I mean, you know, and so I says, yes, yes,
that's right.

Speaker 5 (51:43):
Now. If if TV Guide would come out with an
issue of what TV really means, oh, there would be
fighting him fist fights down in front of Rockefeller Center
by three o'clock the afternoon, the magazine hit the stands,
foundations would crumble. What is it about? All right?

Speaker 4 (51:59):
I'll tell you one of those moments. You know, you
have about four moments in your life when you really
see something happen that you never thought you would see happen.
I'm down on twenty third waiting at the station there,
waiting for the train to come along the subway.

Speaker 2 (52:13):
Shift them one foot.

Speaker 5 (52:14):
To the other, you know, just you know how you're
in your waiting face, you know, waiting for buzz, standing
in the elevator face.

Speaker 2 (52:20):
You know, the whole business where you're sort of.

Speaker 5 (52:22):
In limbo hanging there, and I see this whole.

Speaker 4 (52:24):
Dog go past me, typically a real one, you know,
I mean, a genuine shaft lady. There were little crumbs
of lemon cookie clinging to her thin mustache, and she
went past me, you know, carrying her net shopping bag.
She walked along the side. It was one of these
tile places, you know, some of the subways have tiles
all along with about every ten feet.

Speaker 5 (52:46):
There's a big.

Speaker 4 (52:46):
Advertising thing hanging there. And she's walking along and I
see she's snopping at every third or fourth ad and
looking very closely to it instead of scuinching up, and
I see what she's doing. She is writing things on
these ads for crying out lot. Yes, I saw it,
and I could hardly wait, you know, to findly she

(53:06):
disappears and around a peanut machine and I go up
to the one she has just left, and it's an
ad for a lipstick, you know.

Speaker 5 (53:13):
So this chick sitting there, you know, and she's looking
out at us and the whole business about the reveln
and right next to the lipstick she has written, Bayla
Lugosi is dead. Yeah, yeah, you know. Yeah. And further
on down this one. There was one that said it's beautiful.

(53:35):
It said it's a support mental health.

Speaker 4 (53:37):
And she put a little slash next to it and said,
like crazy, man, I'm telling you I saw this.

Speaker 5 (53:43):
You're thinking I'm making this up. This old doll was
doing this. So she got on a train that was
going four thousand miles out of the way where I
was going, and I got on right with her.

Speaker 4 (53:52):
I just watched her. She didn't crack a smile. So
Bayla Lgosi is dead. Well, I saw this, and I
just want you to know that I feel that this
is far more significant, This far more sign in the
total significant sense than anything Nehru has said for the
last six months. Then anything Cruise you off will say

(54:14):
for the next four years, and I think anything any
of us are going to say for the next.

Speaker 5 (54:18):
Ten La Lagosi is dead. She wrote this right next
to this chick, and there it was hanging there.

Speaker 4 (54:25):
She wrote a fantastic one on an ad for wine,
which I cannot repeat here. It's much too early and
much too late for it. If that sounds like a contradiction,
it is. As a matter of fact, most everything is
a contradiction. It's like, you know, I've been collecting. I'm
just going to have to do this. I mean it's late,

(54:47):
you know. And I saw this cartoon and that shows
this guy standing next to a fluoroscope.

Speaker 2 (54:52):
You know what is it? A fluoroscope?

Speaker 4 (54:53):
You know where they can look through you, and it's
like a portable X ray machine.

Speaker 2 (54:57):
And there are two.

Speaker 5 (54:58):
Doctors standing and one doctor said, you see this guy
seeing his back is to the fluoroscope and they're looking
at his at his neck and his head and you
see inside of his head you see about nine big lumps.

Speaker 4 (55:09):
Just lumps in a little cluster. And one doctor is
seeing it. The other he's wish for Rocks. I'm sorry,
you know, the truth of the matter has to come
out sometime. And there it is, I mean, whether or
not TV guide likes it, there it is Rocks. And

(55:30):
so I have decided, against my better judgment, to bring
back a character I.

Speaker 5 (55:36):
Used to do many eons ago. One oh, speaking of
Rocks in the skull. This is w R A M
and FM, New York and we will be here until
twelve midnight, just before LJ hits the air. And and
incidentally we have with us a sponsor, Prexy. And if

(55:57):
you're sculling about tonight looking for a place where you
can grab a hamburger and a dish of fantastic soft
ice cream. I would suggest you try Prexy's all up
in don Lexington at sixty first, they've got one at
forty eight.

Speaker 4 (56:09):
There's about eight of them up don Lexington in the
forties and in the fifties and sixties. And then there's
there's a good one right down in the village at
sixth Avenue and eighth Street, right around the corner. And
I listen to this, I want you to dig this.
Right around the corner next to the paper book gallery.
This Saturday, Prexy is opening a news setup, a wild

(56:32):
news setup just for village types. And among other things
they have there in addition to their hamburgers with the
educated thing.

Speaker 5 (56:39):
You know.

Speaker 4 (56:41):
You know, every time I hear about this, this hamburger
with the college education, I.

Speaker 5 (56:45):
Think of at least forty five guys, I know. I mean,
I hate to don't look at me.

Speaker 4 (56:50):
So dully if you got a dead pand send it
that way, dear. I'm constantly having this problem of running
into my friends in the ads, whether it be for
cemeteries on Long Island or canoes available by mail. But nevertheless,
Prexis is making available this Saturday only for guys who

(57:12):
come in and say Excelsior.

Speaker 2 (57:14):
They're having their big opening.

Speaker 5 (57:15):
Day Saturday, which is this is right on sixth Avenue
at eighth Street. Come in and merely whisper Excelsior. Don't
shout it out for crying out loud.

Speaker 4 (57:24):
The one thing that the guys down at Prexy said
is do not have them say it loudly. They don't
want to cause any trouble down there with the paying customers.
They understand that at least ninety percent of the people
who listen to the show can't rub two dimes together,
and most of them are eking out calories nine hundred
calorie diets. Hop most of the people I know who
listen to this have been on an eight hundred calorie

(57:45):
diet for years, and not because they wanted to be either.
I would suggest that you dropped in the Prexies this
coming Saturday, anytime during the day and even all the
eight till two in the morning, and just say that
the gun behind the counter Excelsior. He will go back
behind the counter and whip you up a strawberry shortcake
with real strawberries and with a great big globt of

(58:07):
soft ice cream.

Speaker 5 (58:08):
It's fantastic. This will give you enough calories to last
all the way till the time Caroacs next book comes out.
Where you can get more food and sustenance for your soul.

Speaker 4 (58:17):
Ah, this is Excelsior at Prexy's. It's on sixth Avenue,
right by you know where, a street, right next.

Speaker 5 (58:26):
To the paper book gallery. Okay, now, as you're going.

Speaker 4 (58:29):
To have to listen, this is a very serious proposition
we're doing here. We are going to do now something
that I have threatened to do for a long time,
a long ages ago. It's funny, you know early, well
I don't. Sometimes you know, you do things, terrible things
in your life. Now listen, you have to listen to this.

(58:50):
That you're inevitably ashamed of things that you don't even
want to admit to yourself that you did, and after
you have done them, you kind of shake your head
a little bit, maybe do that, and then about two
weeks later you pretend you didn't do it, and about
six years later you don't believe you did it, and

(59:13):
you will deny it to your dying day. Well, one time.
I'm working in this little radio station. I'm a beardless
youth of eighteen, and it was a one man radio station.
I operated the transmitter, an old Western electric I sold
time over the phone.

Speaker 2 (59:31):
I pose records.

Speaker 4 (59:32):
I did every radio show from morning till night, from
seven am to seven o'clock.

Speaker 5 (59:36):
At night when we went off. We were on only
twelve hours a day. I did everything, and I had
a different character and a different name for every radio
show that I did.

Speaker 2 (59:46):
In the morning.

Speaker 5 (59:47):
I was a sort of Don McNeil character. You know what,
we're going to read our favorite We're going to read
our favorite prayer for you now, and don't forget folks.
In just thirty seconds, it's going to be march time.
Time for you to march around your old bed. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:00:00):
The time now is seven thirty six. The temperature is
forty one degrees. This is all friendly Friend. And I'd
go on like that for two hours, you see, And
then at eight o'clock, Friendly Friend would say, we'd like
you to stay tuned for the news with mister Grubbage HG. Grubbage,
who follows in just a few moments. So long, folks,
We'll see you tomorrow.

Speaker 5 (01:00:20):
La La la la la la, la, la la la.

Speaker 4 (01:00:21):
My recorded theme would come on. Then I would have
my announcer.

Speaker 5 (01:00:24):
Voice, wkluc k Algonquin, Illinois, where iron meats coal in
the heart of the Fox River Valley. Next, HV. Grubbage
and the News.

Speaker 4 (01:00:37):
Mister Grubbage has brought to you each day at the
same time by your favorite white Castle and now here
he is.

Speaker 5 (01:00:44):
HV. Grubbage and the News. Good morning everyone, Good morning
Americans everywhere.

Speaker 4 (01:00:50):
And I had all these voices, and they used to
work like mad at these things. And the one thing
that I felt, after having done these newscasts for a
long time, is that nobody ever really does new news,
not the real news that has lasting significance. And so
over the past two weeks I have been culling little
bits and pieces from various New York newspapers that will

(01:01:11):
give you a kind of cross section of what mankind
really is up to the news that is really happening.

Speaker 5 (01:01:18):
Wouldn't it be great if they had newscasts like this.

Speaker 2 (01:01:20):
All the time?

Speaker 5 (01:01:21):
Please give me my mood music. Now Mankind's driving. We've
been morning Americans everywhere and all videos. First a bulleton
from Lawmore Island, two women driving down the highway saw
a cow peering out on the second story of a farmhouse.

(01:01:44):
When they had recovered from their shock, they reported the incident.
The cow was restored to its owner. Another note, there's
time and news note on the spiritual front that comes
from Italy. The sun burst gloriously through the clouds over
Mont Blanc today, and all was right for the world,

(01:02:05):
but not for members of a religious sect encamped here.
They had expected the earth to roll off its axis precisely.
At two forty five PM, women screamed, and a Terrolean
in leathers shorts began blowing a bugle representing the trumpet
of doom. At two forty six the screaming and bugling ceased,

(01:02:27):
and the leader of the doomsday cult admitted, we made
a mistake. The leader, doctor Alio Bianca, a milon or,
as they say in Italy, a Milan Pediachristian, had rounded
up his followers and had taken them to a chalet
on the peak to await what he had said was
going to be the end of the world. The man

(01:02:49):
blowing the bugle was not identified when he was Note
now from Germany. A United States Army helicopter last night
out of a vast number of starlings that had damaged
the wine harvest in the Rhineland. The craft flew below
treetop level, flashing search lights at the birds as villagers

(01:03:11):
set off firecraffers. A note from Aurora, Ontario, a war
is being waged in that town against one thousand starlings.
After attempts to get rid of the birds by fire
hoses failed, weekend shoots are now being arranged to get
rid of the pests. Another note from Canada, this time

(01:03:33):
from Victoria, British Columbia. The slogan follow the Birds to Victoria,
that helped bring over eleven million tourists to Victoria over
a period of thirty nine years, has been dropped by
tourist officials of Victoria. The new slogan is Victoria Gateway
to Canada's Treasure Island. It seems that a few birds

(01:03:56):
also took the advice of the Canadian Chamber of Commerce.
Another note from England. The thief got away with his
loot all right, but he can't hang onto it. Seven
of the twenty three racing pigeons he abducted have already
flown hall and by an odd coincidence. We have a
note from Squaw Valley. One of the best late plans

(01:04:20):
for the late Winter Olympics that seams went AWRYE two
thousand homing pigeons were released at the opening day ceremony
in Squaw Valley last winter. Over seven thousand pigeons now
occupy the stadium. Only two thousand of them are considered
to be original settlers. Avery Brundage was contacted. The boss

(01:04:42):
of the International Olympic Committee said, yes, I did notice
some of them are still hanging around. We have no
answer to the problem. Another news note for you if
you are a follower of various sporting activities around the globe.
A three member skin diving expert took off from International
Airport yesterday for the Dead Sea, where it hopes to

(01:05:05):
find the five lost cities mentioned in the Bible, Sodom, gomorrah, Adman, Sibylon,
and Zoar. The group includes several prominent theologians, others Sporting News.
A test model of the revolutionary Ryan bertaplane designed to
take off like a helicopter and level off in normal flight,
crashed today for the second time in a year. The pilot,

(01:05:28):
the second time he has crashed in this aeroplane. Glenn W.
Stinett of San Jose, California, bailed out from an estimated
one thousand feet. He says he will try again. There
are now twenty nine gargoyles for sale at bargain prices
on Newark's main thoroughware if anyone wants won one. Lady, however,

(01:05:49):
spent over two hours looking for a special gargoyle. She
said that she needed for a special purpose. She lives
across the street from the Soviet Consulate, a woman who
is prominent in industrial circles. She wanted to have two
ugly gargoyles mounted on her fire escape to peer at
the Russians from her terrace. She said later, I couldn't

(01:06:09):
find the right expression. She left disappointed. Here's a handy
hint or kink for those of you who feel that
life isn't quite what it should be. An egg timer
placed beside you while making a long distance telephone call
will let you know when your three minutes is up.

(01:06:29):
And now news notes from all over. Two men purchased
over shoes within minutes at a Salida, Colorado bootery. Both
wrote checks later, the merchant preparing a bank statement noticed
the names. One was Kine, the other able Dharamar Dinnick
of the Yugoslav town of alex Sinok, won a lot

(01:06:49):
of reprize, giving him a free bus ride to the
provincial capital of Niss. Dinnick is the driver of the
bus which makes the daily run to Niss between the
two towns. He said, however, he will use his award
a full grown musk of the musk Osk herds. The
musk is the name, of course, of the actual male

(01:07:12):
of that species of Canada's Far North and the Arctic Islands,
may weigh up to nine hundred pounds. The female sometimes tilts,
the scales at well over four tons. A fifty three
year old engineer was arrested by FBI agents last night.
They used note here tells us the information He told
an airline clerk at Midway Airport in Chicago that he

(01:07:34):
had a bomb in a bag. The engineer, Robert Kerry Clark, Raytown, Missouri,
was charged by the FBI making a false bomb report
at an airport. He was held in jail for arrangement
for a US commissioner. The conviction of that crime carries
a maximum penalty of one thousand dollars fine and one
year in prison. After his bag was dunked in water
and opened, they found that it contained a small two

(01:07:57):
pay well nothing is keepes. A woman, missus Jerry pulliam
Up Sterling, Colorado, doesn't agree. She is more than however,
slightly embarrassed. She says that she did not discover for
two days that her husband had shaved off his large
handlebar mustache. He is now suing for divorce. Dallas Zoo

(01:08:18):
director Pierre Fontaine has answered a nationwide plea for a
method to zip up the appetite of a Memphis catfish
give him a bottle of beer. This was given him
as advice by an old Memphis resident who says that
he feeds the catfish in his neighborhood. He lives near
a river beer every morning. He says, they are growing
larger by the week. Here is information and news of

(01:08:43):
the business community. To nine miles east of Reno, Nevada,
the Pacific Telephone Company said four thousand message circuits and
four hundred and eighty teletype circuit we're cut off all
over the world by the farmer's plow. It took them

(01:09:04):
over three hours to get the mess straightened out. And
now a final note, A sign on a trash barrel
in St. Paris, Ohio, makes one stop and think it
says empty windfall. So goes the news HV. Grubbage reporting,
good evening, Americans. I have a feeling, of course, that

(01:09:44):
we have a tendency to put these little notes aside
and say, none of the oh courses, this is the trivia.
Oh yeah, you.

Speaker 4 (01:09:55):
Know, I would tell you, of course, Philadelphia is particularly
prone to this that I must say this, that where
everything's seem to be growing dark and despund and it's
an old human tendency that whenever thing's seem to be
getting beyond the let's say, beyond the light of understanding,

(01:10:17):
immediate understanding, the suspicion begins to grow among many people
that the world is coming to an end. This has
this has been since time immemorial. It began, it began
well in the first earliest writings that were found in caves.
There was talk of the world coming to an end.

(01:10:38):
And of course many times you'll see it today in
the in the editorial columns, that it looks like we're about.

Speaker 5 (01:10:44):
To But of course now we're saying that we're.

Speaker 2 (01:10:47):
Going to destroy the world.

Speaker 5 (01:10:49):
But then again, the we is.

Speaker 4 (01:10:50):
A kind of inexplicable thing within us that is going
to destroy the world.

Speaker 5 (01:10:54):
It isn't destiny that's going to destroy the world.

Speaker 4 (01:10:56):
Somehow, it's us and that strange little creature within us.
But nevertheless, the same thing remains, the world is about
to be destroyed. Whenever something can't be explained, people immediately
this kind of rises out of the marsh, a little
sign that says, repent, the world is coming to an end.

(01:11:21):
And then the hand goes back into the marsh. And
as soon as the trouble and that's.

Speaker 5 (01:11:25):
In capital letters disappears, this is forgotten. Well.

Speaker 4 (01:11:30):
As a matter of fact, one of the most interesting
manifestations of this that I ever heard of took place
in Philadelphia. I ever tell you a story about that.
My friend one time he was involved in a group
that said that the world.

Speaker 2 (01:11:42):
Was coming to an end.

Speaker 4 (01:11:43):
Well, this has happened in Philadelphia time and time again,
because Philadelphia, almost by nature, is inexplicable, it is incomprehensible.
Having lived in Philadelphia for several years myself, I understand
that dark four boatings that occasionally move to the soul
of the Philadelphia now I'll point out that immediately in

(01:12:06):
the morning mail I will get a shrill letter that
will say.

Speaker 5 (01:12:09):
I am an ex Philadelphia and I resent what you
said about Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 (01:12:12):
You know this, as they always say, I'm an ex Philadelphia.

Speaker 5 (01:12:15):
I'm an ex Philadelphia, and I resent what you say
about Philadelphia. I lived in Philadelphia for over seven years.
I've been living here in New York for thirty five years,
and it's rotten, rotten, rotten. If I can ever get
back to Philadelphia, Dad, I'm gonna go, poor said silly,
blowing of horns in the darkness.

Speaker 4 (01:12:33):
You know you're not gonna go back. You can go
back anytime you want. Here they go, there goes another one.
In seventeen minutes of train will be leaving Penn Station
every hour on the hour, bound for the city of
brotherly Love. All you got to do is get them
on a walk and shoose gone. And then about every

(01:12:55):
five minutes.

Speaker 5 (01:12:55):
A letter will arrive from from Philadelphia. Amen, Shepherd, Amen, brother, Hi,
here are you talking? I can't understand the darkness is
closing in.

Speaker 2 (01:13:05):
This guy's still there.

Speaker 5 (01:13:07):
Well, of course, we all have a terrible, terrible nostalgia for.

Speaker 4 (01:13:11):
Wherever it is we came from Long John. Hey, Long John,
are you listening? If anybody tells if anybody hears Long
John tonight and can get in touch with him by phone.
Long John, you misquoted me fantastically last night. Long John
on his program said, Jeane Shepherd is always talking about
how great things were in the old days. I have
never once said that, have I never? In fact, I

(01:13:35):
am constantly saying quite the opposite. It was rotten in
the old days.

Speaker 5 (01:13:41):
You just won't admit it.

Speaker 4 (01:13:43):
And often when I describe how rotten it was, this
is mistaken by many people for me saying it was good.
Interestingly enough, anytime you mentioned something that happened beyond past
nineteen fifty three days.

Speaker 5 (01:13:55):
All those were the days, those wonderful days.

Speaker 4 (01:14:00):
I hear the sound of cut chewing from block to
block as people say, oh, those were the.

Speaker 5 (01:14:04):
Days, and they're not listening to anything you're saying.

Speaker 4 (01:14:07):
You're saying rotten, rotten, They were terrible rotten up to
my neck, you know, you know, I have a feeding
that the earth is covered with a thick layer of
viscous liquid. There is a common street corner name for it.
I cannot discuss the name here at this point. But
I think all of you know what I'm talking about.

(01:14:29):
It's not really a liquid, but it's a thick coating
of it.

Speaker 5 (01:14:33):
And man's talk.

Speaker 4 (01:14:35):
Man's constant hooplock consists merely of making various formations of
this particular vast liquid cloud that is getting thicker and
thicker on the earth.

Speaker 5 (01:14:47):
He files it up in pyramid shapes, and then he
makes it in the interesting various other types of symbolic shapes,
moving it back and forth, and all the while.

Speaker 4 (01:14:55):
He refuses to concede that the material he's working with
is bad from the beginning. Time tied in the affairs
of man shall contrive to undo him.

Speaker 2 (01:15:05):
It says, though the world.

Speaker 4 (01:15:06):
Has a vast zipper, and somehow it's left it unzipped
in a very very crucial and very embarrassing time.

Speaker 5 (01:15:13):
That's another story.

Speaker 4 (01:15:15):
So just the other day, I'm sitting there reading a
little news note that came out of Philadelphia.

Speaker 2 (01:15:21):
It seems that.

Speaker 4 (01:15:21):
Outside of Philadelphia, in one of the little suburbs out there,
without any warning, a crack appeared in the ground, just
like that, a crack.

Speaker 5 (01:15:33):
Well, they filled it in.

Speaker 4 (01:15:35):
Five minutes later, another crack appeared ten feet away and
they filled that in. And this is a very swinging, hip,
wealthy type suburban development, you know, where they have the
big sign that says, enjoy the good life here.

Speaker 5 (01:15:49):
I mean, the good life is here, and you'll live forever,
happily ever after here in your wonderful little breezeway ranch
type cottage, Olivia. I'll never forget the sad sign I
saw outside of Philipladelphia. There was a field that had.

Speaker 4 (01:16:02):
Been plowed and had been smoothed over, had been run
over by bulldozers. Every blade of grass had been removed.
It was a field that stretched for about nine miles
as far as the eye could see. I It's like
the top of a giant billiard table. And there was
a big sign that had been built there.

Speaker 5 (01:16:17):
It says to be erected here very shortly, California ranch
type cliff houses. It wasn't a cliff within fourteen thousand miles.
California was three thousand miles away, and there wasn't a
ranch within two thousand miles. Somehow, on the planes outside
of Philadelphia, on that red mud, they were going to
erect a California ranch type cliff house.

Speaker 4 (01:16:41):
How the inn explic no wonder. They believe that the
end of the world is coming any minute now there
along Broad Street. And so what happened is that these
little cracks began though here and they began to show.
Of course, the promoters got over there and they're filling
it up full of all kinds of stuff, trying old
bed springs, and they throw more dirt into it, and
they covered up.

Speaker 5 (01:16:59):
And then five minutes later another crack appears, this time
right across the sidewalking across one of the streets.

Speaker 4 (01:17:05):
Well, they couldn't keep the news out of the papers
or out of the word of mouth of the Philadelphians.

Speaker 5 (01:17:12):
Within ten minutes, people began.

Speaker 4 (01:17:14):
To gather and they're watching the cracks, and the word
got out that the world was coming to an end,
it was going to crack in half. Well, of course,
three or four publicity men and two PR men got
on the job immediately and said, no, these cracks actually
were a publicity stunt, that what they were was just
to attract attention.

Speaker 5 (01:17:34):
But that didn't pool. Anyone one of the PR men
was caught one of the cracks and disappeared forever. Nothing
but screaming could be heard. He fell all the way
to the bottom of the earth.

Speaker 2 (01:17:44):
Didn't fool anyone.

Speaker 5 (01:17:46):
You see what he did. He got down in the
hall and he said, watch, see it ends right here.
We're up. He was gone. The earth closed up and
swallowed him. And they all claimed that they could hear chewing.
I mean, they suspect eddie thing is going to happen
there in Philadelphia any minute.

Speaker 4 (01:18:02):
That and who like the other day, I'm looking at
old copies of the Times. I just leave through them,
you know, to keep things straight. And have you ever
read the advertising news in the Times? In the New
York It was a beautiful little college. So the funniest stuff,
the real news about how we're doing, comes out of
this one and reading, and a guy named Robert Alden
writes us, I do not know mister Alban except that

(01:18:24):
he writes some awfully funny stuff. I don't know whether
he knows he's being funny or whether he's just funny.
Because advertising, almost by definition, is funny, because it plays
upon the hopes and fears of the giant calliope of
a man's inability to cope. Here was one It shows
a picture of a chose a picture of a fisherman.
See you know, the big, strong type guy covered with

(01:18:46):
oil skins, and he's holding a great, big can of
sardine's in his hand, an enormous can, and it's the
cover of a comic book. The comic book is called
Ricky and Debbie in Sardine Land. I thought you might
know this is about to happen. I will read it
to you.

Speaker 5 (01:19:01):
A major promotional effort with a special twist will be
started in Maine, or in May rather on behalf of
Maine sardine industry. The special twist involves the fact that
the Maine Sardine Council is directing its principal effort at children.
The council is distributing two hundred thousand, four color, eight
page comic books that tell something of the romance of

(01:19:22):
the sardine industry. Appropriately, the comic book is entitled Ricky
and Debbie in Sardine Land.

Speaker 4 (01:19:30):
Would you like a brief moment of meditation? And while
you're meditating, I will play something that will aid your meditation?
An old favorite only in Philadelphia?

Speaker 5 (01:20:20):
Could this occur? From one of my favorite humor humor papers,
the Sunday Bulletin. I read the headline reads, statue of
Babe Ruth draws only one bid at auction. George Herman
Babe Ruth swung his mighty.

Speaker 4 (01:20:42):
Bat once again last night, but only one person was interested.
The Bambino, or rather a six foot tall plaster of
Paris likeness, was displayed before some two hundred ice cream
and pie eating spectators at the regular Saturday night auction
in Bonnie Bray Park on Route eighty three, about four
miles north of Phoenix Bell just outside of Philadelphia. Auctioneer

(01:21:03):
Richard J. Moyer said the Sultan of Swat had stood.

Speaker 5 (01:21:07):
In a corner of a barn in Sunbury, PA before
he was found.

Speaker 4 (01:21:11):
By one of his agents and brought to Bonnie Bray Park.
The statue, hand molded over a wire frame, was made
of Baltimore when the Babe was in his prime. The
statue is grimy now and there's a small hole in
the back of the left knee, but there's a look
of intense glory about the face, and the fingers on
the bat haven't crumbled. Auctioneer Moyer pointed out the statue's

(01:21:34):
finer points. One is that it separates at the waist
for easy carrying, and that's always important in a statue.
He asked the bids to start at one hundred dollars,
and there on the platform stood Babe Room, grimy, but
his face wreathed in glory. Six feet one inches tall.

(01:21:58):
The Babe stood spend a plastcar Paris Louisville slucker, which
was held it ready.

Speaker 5 (01:22:06):
He was in his half crunched batting stance, with those
thick calves and graceful ankles, ready to sprint around the
keystone sack the bidding the gap. The auctioneers said, all right,
let's have the first bed. Let's have the first bed,
the first bed. The first bid was starting here at
one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars. Who's

(01:22:26):
gonna make it one hundred dollars. Let's see the first
bid in the first bed. The first bid one hundred dollars,
one of the dollars one one, one, one one, one
hundred dollars, one hundred dollars, and my bed one hundred dollars,
one hundred dollars. Who is going to start the bidding?
Dead silence, one of America's great heroes stood alone and
unwanted in the glare of the white lights. Who's gonna

(01:22:49):
bed one hundred dollars one hundred dollars. I'm gonna make
it one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars.
Who's gonna bed? He stopped another period of silence, and
finally a small voice from somewhere near the.

Speaker 2 (01:23:04):
Back of the crowd said.

Speaker 5 (01:23:07):
Twenty five.

Speaker 4 (01:23:09):
Since the auctioneer didn't say a word, he looked down
over the crowd.

Speaker 5 (01:23:16):
And said, what did you say? The man repeated his bid.
With that, the auctioneer, with an imperious wave of his hand, said,
take the babe away. No one's getting them for a quarter.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have item number seventeen

(01:23:38):
on the stand. Item number seventeen is a large wooden
pig equipped with stirrups equipped with a leather saddle. This
pig weighs well over six hundred and fifty pounds and
is six and a half feet long. How much of
my bid for this wooden pig? We are going to
start the bidding at one hundred dollars one hundred dollars,
one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars, one hundred dollars. Imediately,

(01:24:00):
three people said, I'll make it one fifty. I've got
one hundred and fifty, one hundred and fifty dollars for
this wooden pig, over six and a half feet long,
he weighs four hundred and fifty pounds. Who'll make it
one seventy five, one eighty five, one ninety five. The
pig went for three hundred.

Speaker 4 (01:24:15):
And ten dollars, and then the auctioneer closed the bidding.
The lights were turned out, and another American soaka, another
chapter in our history was closed.

Speaker 5 (01:24:29):
Natatia only in Philadelphia, up up, and somewhere right now,
at this very minute, old friends, old fellow sufferers. In
the dark tank, cold dingy warehouse of a Philadelphia auctioneer,
stands a six foot one inch statue, a life size

(01:24:51):
statue of George Hermann, Bambino Babe King of Swat ruled,
holding a plaster of Paris Louisville Slutterer, a look of
fierce determination playing about his jaws as he looks into
the darkness of a deserted warehouse. The spot next to

(01:25:12):
him is empty where once resided a four hundred and
fifty pound wooden pig that was purchased by one of
the parishioners. When bay Rufe is looking out into the
darkness now and looking right into your eyes?

Speaker 2 (01:25:27):
Are you worthy of him?

Speaker 5 (01:25:29):
Man? Or are you worthy of a wooden pig weighting
four hundred and fifty pounds a hook with stirrups and
leather saddle man suitable for man? Or boy? How would
you like to have a six foot three inch statue
of Ted Kluzuski with torn sleeves and with that sad

(01:25:52):
look playing about the eyes? Or maybe Jackie Jensen? Or
how about orras Hocken, second rate infielder, utility type for
the Boston Braves, who never made it, standing there with
a look of stark sheer terror, playing about his plaster

(01:26:15):
of Paris eyes, his five foot eleven inch frame drenched
in plaster sweat as he's about to go up to
hit against schoolboy Row, knowing he'll never make it lucky
if he gets a loud foul. Orras Hocken, who spent
twenty two seasons in the miners, Maybe that would be

(01:26:37):
a better statue. Maybe they would have bit on that way.
Huh Tom po po oh, Tom po pom? How much
do you think they'd bid on a statue?

Speaker 4 (01:26:49):
Of Hugh, made of plaster of Paris, equipped with the
tools of your trip, genuine paper made ballpoint pen held
in the plaster, your hand clutching a requisition for him
from the stock work, Seated at your old battered desk,
with that same worried look on your face.

Speaker 5 (01:27:12):
How much do you think they would? Have? No fear?
Have no fear.

Speaker 2 (01:27:20):
It's all gonna be okay. Just keep that mind, that's mine.
It's gonna be all right.

Speaker 5 (01:27:27):
Just breathe deeply, keep your gut pulled in, keep your
knees loose, keep your fanny down, and it'll be all
all right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:28:27):
From March second, nineteen sixty one, A Chat with Mother
Nature Obstructionism as a way of life. Ghost believers, don't
miss the twelve midnight wartime tone, Oh.

Speaker 2 (01:28:37):
General Station.

Speaker 4 (01:30:40):
That's a funny feeling, it says, Oh, the hounds of
hell were nipping at your hawks constantly. It's as though
you were slowly being nibbled to death by a bathtub
full of old clams, each one of them intent upon
a destiny of his own. I'm coming along today, and
I arrived at my shoeshine.

Speaker 5 (01:30:58):
Man.

Speaker 4 (01:30:59):
Stand you know there's not a man alive here in Manhattan,
who doesn't have a manion, little things in his mind
that are the lore of his existence. A place where
he believes he gets the best haircut, a place where
he believes that he gets the best martini, a place
where he believes that he gets the best shoe shine.
All these little things are tucked away and are never discussed.

(01:31:21):
I've rarely ever hear a guy discussed with another guy
about like, say, where you get the best haircut, or
or the best shoe shine, or where you can get
a good cigar. These are things which are just the
low of existing in a city, the great pathways. If
you could imagine your life as a kind of Have
you ever seen these dotted line puzzles where it says

(01:31:45):
join the dotted lines, join the numbers, and it says one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight nine ten, Like the time about four thousand years ago,
I'm this kid, and I get this boy's magazine, and
on the back it said that join the numbers, join
the dotted numbers there with the lines, and then if
you complete the picture to our satisfaction, you will be

(01:32:07):
in the running to win a pony. Well, I'm joining
the dotted lines there, and I complete the picture, and
it's a picture of an Indian driving a birch bark canoe.

Speaker 2 (01:32:17):
Well, it looked like a pretty good Indian.

Speaker 4 (01:32:18):
And at the bottom had said color it in to
suit your own fancy. The contest will be judged on
the basis of originality and neatness. Strangely enough, I've observed
that this line has probably influenced more people than any
single line in American literature. The contest will be judged
on neatness, aptness of thought, And of course it's affected

(01:32:41):
as deeply since few of us have the ability to
be either neat or apt, and our originality is practically nil.
So I dropped out around the second round, as I
have been doing ever since. Whenever there's an elimination contest,
I know just about how long I'm going to last.

Speaker 5 (01:32:59):
I am not a stayer. I'm a quick, a pretty
good dash man.

Speaker 4 (01:33:02):
But when it comes to the long runs, the long shots,
there's always little short guys with cigars overtaking me and
moving steadily ahead amid a cloud of dust. The stayers.

Speaker 5 (01:33:12):
Of course, the race does not ever go to the swift,
as a matter of fact, nor to the original, nor
to the apt, nor even to the knat. It just
goes to the guys who can run a good long
distance and keep their knees loose all the while, and
have the ability to kick up the dust, and so
like all of the men in this great thriving metropolis

(01:33:33):
in the twentieth century, I have millions of little things
tucked away in my psyche as to where you get
the best corned beef, or where you get the only
place in time where you can get a real schooner
of ruth there that has a head on it, a
head that stands by itself that you can spoon out,
you know, like.

Speaker 4 (01:33:50):
Dad's old fashioned the ruth there, Dad's all. This guy's
excuse me. I have a tendency to break in the
old native folk songs.

Speaker 2 (01:33:58):
You know how it is.

Speaker 5 (01:33:58):
I'm one of the natives. Respect you come from miles
around here, the natives. You're going to hear the natives.
Dad's old fashioned wrote there, Dad's all Atlas, Proger got it, Atlas,
Proger got it. Atlas is the best beer in town.

Speaker 2 (01:34:11):
That's right. That's another beer, that's another world that means
nothing to you.

Speaker 4 (01:34:15):
I will award the brass paper gee with bronze Oakley palm,
if you can tell me where they sell du cane beer,
known popular to the natives as Duke Atlas.

Speaker 5 (01:34:24):
Proger got it Atlas Proger got it as fox Head
d Lux, all the native folk songs which have soaked
right down into.

Speaker 2 (01:34:31):
The marrow of my bones.

Speaker 4 (01:34:33):
And as you know that the dog lovers have observed
that the reason dogs eat bones is because they love marrow. This,
of course is this is the story, the sum.

Speaker 5 (01:34:41):
In total of the sucking of the marrow out of
each one of.

Speaker 4 (01:34:44):
Us throughout existence. And so today I am approaching. I'm
approaching my my shoeshine man. My shoeshine man operates his
stand at the corner of forty first and sixth Avenue,
and I have seen him grow from a small orange
crate till now he's a man with two high seats,
with the whole thing, you.

Speaker 5 (01:35:04):
Know, the thing you put your foot on.

Speaker 4 (01:35:06):
He's even got a little awning over there, a little
glass partition, and he's got a radio that plays WMC
eight perpetually, night and day, even when they're off the air,
nothing but the hip parade. And he's got to look
in his eye the only shoeshine.

Speaker 5 (01:35:19):
Man I have found in this town who has the
look in his eye of how shall I say it,
hardly any man goes to a shoe shine place to
get his shoe shine without that little instance. A split
second after.

Speaker 4 (01:35:31):
The shine is done and the man straightens up, his
back has been bent now for twenty two years, you know,
over old clods. And when you look at a man shoe,
let me tell you, when you looked at ten thousand
pairs of shoes, you know something about mankind.

Speaker 5 (01:35:46):
And what you know ain't good. Let me tell you ho.
And so of course these people all have the look
in the eye, and there's a terrible feeling. Americans are
not people who take to servility well, either on the
side of the master or on the side of the
you know what I mean. And so there is something

(01:36:07):
awful about shines. I don't know what it is. And
there's nothing awful about show. There's a funny feeling immediately
after it's over.

Speaker 2 (01:36:13):
You know it's a terrible thing.

Speaker 5 (01:36:15):
And so you get that I'm feeling, and you give
the guy that you never know whether.

Speaker 4 (01:36:19):
You've tipped him right or anything, and you go scurrying
away as fast as you can, and you make the
quick turn, and then you look down at your shoes
for another half block, and then by the third block
you've forgotten it. But boy, that that one little instant there,
that that millisecond is sheer hades. There's another word for it.
But I'm going to this guy because he doesn't have

(01:36:41):
that look in the eye. He's a great shoeshine man,
and he's a magnificently painstaking craftsman. He shines his shoes
so that the shoe stands tall by George. When he
finishes a shoe, that shoe stands there, and it's a shoe,
a shoe, not a lump of stuff. You know, I've
seen this guy polish tennis shoes until they glisten. The

(01:37:03):
whole works. You know, he believes in it. And when
he straightens up, he looks you.

Speaker 5 (01:37:07):
Right in the eye.

Speaker 4 (01:37:09):
You'll look him right in the eye. You're two men,
and you're meeting on a very equal basis. You'll got
the business. I take care of your business.

Speaker 5 (01:37:17):
It's all there is to it.

Speaker 2 (01:37:17):
And he does it.

Speaker 4 (01:37:18):
Magnificently, and he has a superb sense of humor. He says, Ah,
these dot your fans bunk talk. He told me who
was going to win the election six months before the
election was he knew. He says, I can tell by
the kind of shoes that are coming around. I've been
shining shoes, he said since nineteen twenty three. I could

(01:37:39):
tell which way elections are going by whether the heels
are run over. He says, it's going to be a
Democrat all the way. But the smart money is on it.
And of course I placed this in the same category
as wooly caterpillar, as you know, and the predictions of
big winders or little winterers.

Speaker 5 (01:37:54):
I said, oh, come on the runover. He says, yeah, watch,
wait and see, you'll see. And then a couple of
days before for the World Series, he says, Pittsbury's gonna
take it.

Speaker 4 (01:38:03):
I said, how can you tell shoelaces or busted. I says, yeah, yep,
tell it every time. Bad year for the Yankee shoelace bust,
just like he says, I'll never forget. And he went
on and tell me about the terrible disaster that happened
to them against the Cubs one year. And so this
went on like this, and we have a report. He
doesn't know me I don't know him.

Speaker 5 (01:38:23):
He knows me not.

Speaker 4 (01:38:24):
I know him not except that there's a kind of
mutual thing there. You see, his wife is in showbiz.
He tells me, Ah, the showbiz people come home. He says,
I don't show biz. I used to, he said, I
used to be a fighter. I tell you about that
show talk about showbiz. And he goes on and then
he just stops, looks out over the over the park

(01:38:45):
there towards the towards the library, says, you know how
a guy gets to be a bum. And then we
look out over the street here today and they've torn
out big holes in forty first treat I said, they
turn out forty first Street. You know, you make to
talk tearing up forty first Street again. He says, well,
people got to have something to do.

Speaker 2 (01:39:05):
I says, yeah. He says, yep. He said, they'll tear
it up again in July.

Speaker 4 (01:39:09):
I can tell by the Swede shoes that are coming
in every year, big Swede shoes.

Speaker 5 (01:39:14):
Forty first Street dead.

Speaker 2 (01:39:16):
I said, yeah, I can tell.

Speaker 4 (01:39:18):
Well, I'm walking up to him today, see and I
see that he is up sitting on the chair now
and a guy is shining his shoes well, now, I've
always wondered who cuts barber's hair, and who who fixes
dead his teeth and all, you know, the little trivial things.
So I come up there and here's this guy shining,
shining his shoes like me. He's, by the way, he's
the first shoe shine man I ever saw whose shoes

(01:39:38):
are always shined.

Speaker 5 (01:39:40):
And you never see this.

Speaker 4 (01:39:41):
So he's shining the guy's shoes. He's sitting up there
wearing his ball cap. And I come up and he says,
you're gonna have to wait and get my shoes shine.
I said, yeah, I see. He says he'll be through.
How are you doing, Charlie? And Charlie looks up. It's okay,
shining away, and pretty soon Charlie finishes and he walks.
He gets up. My friend gets up and he picks
up the rag and takes the can polish, and he says,
so long, Charlie. Charlie says, okay, I'll see you anytime.

(01:40:05):
I said, well, don't you pay me? He says no,
he's doing a guest shot. I says, this is a
guest shot this guy's doing. He's a guy.

Speaker 5 (01:40:12):
He says, yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:40:13):
He runs a stand over on eighth Avenue. He's just
doing a guest shot here. I'll do a guest shot
down there tomorrow morning, like on TV. He says, he's
doing a guest shot. I said, oh, I see, And
so I get up on the throne there and he
begins to work on my shoes. He's doing a guest shot,
and suddenly there is this this thing comes out before

(01:40:34):
my eyes.

Speaker 2 (01:40:35):
I said to him, he's doing a guest shot.

Speaker 5 (01:40:39):
Do you ever do? Really? Who do you think? I mean,
when you're not here, when that space that you're occupying,
do you think somebody fills it? I mean, is there
a guest shot for all of us? Or are we
all guests permanent guests on a vast TV show?

Speaker 3 (01:40:54):
Nah?

Speaker 4 (01:40:56):
See, I'm being metaphysical. I mean, like on a big
TV show, we're all guests and we're trying to figure
out who the MC is.

Speaker 5 (01:41:03):
He says. Nah.

Speaker 4 (01:41:04):
I says, a big TV show, don't you get it?
You know, like the Jack Parr Show, something like that. Nah,
long pause. He's whipping away with a rag. He says,
it's not a TV show like the par show. I said,
all right, what is it? He's a minstrel show. He says,
this is a rotten old show. I said, what do
you mean, what are you talking about? Its swinging?

Speaker 5 (01:41:27):
He says, yeah, oh yeah, everybody's got a lot of jokes.
He says. The audience is dead on his duff though,
sitting out there.

Speaker 2 (01:41:34):
We're going away there.

Speaker 4 (01:41:35):
And finally he finishes my left shoe. He says, now
the right one, It's okay. And then the guys arrived
with the air hammers. Places going like that.

Speaker 5 (01:41:45):
He turns around and he says, hey, Fred, And one
of the guys working the air hammer turns around. He says,
what do you want? He says, what time you guys
coming over tomorrow morning? Oh about nine o'clock right, He
goes like that.

Speaker 4 (01:41:58):
So then he looks up at me. He says, I
guess I'll my guest shot tomorrow on eighth Avenue in
the morning. He's shouting over the air hammer. He knows
the air hammer guys. These are the underground people. They
all know each other. Guys that operate air hammers, you know.

Speaker 5 (01:42:10):
And all these people. Have you ever noticed all those
guys carrying big baskets and bundles out of trucks back
They all know each other. It's an underground network. All
these people, they really do They all know each other.
And have you ever felt like, wouldn't it be great
to be accepted.

Speaker 2 (01:42:23):
By those guys?

Speaker 5 (01:42:24):
You know, these big tough guys are throwing big things,
and you always feel like kind of like a sissy
or a louder something. You're walking between them. These guys
are carrying barrels and baskets and kegs and big chunks
of iron right out bull bump. It goes on the
truck and they're waiting for you to walk past, wearing
your patent leather pumps. And it's an underground network, you see.

(01:42:48):
And you always feel that as soon as you get
past them, they're saying wild things about you in the
in the truck, in the truck, body of the lot. God,
look at did you see the coat on that one?
Oh boom on the truck again. It goes to an
underground network. And my friend, the shoeshine guy is I

(01:43:09):
guess now from what I have observed, I've been watching
him carefully. He is a key figure in that underground network.
It swirls around him.

Speaker 4 (01:43:18):
He is like the stationary figure around which all these
underground people in New York revolve.

Speaker 5 (01:43:23):
Truck drivers make that stop. Maybe they make the.

Speaker 4 (01:43:26):
Scene once every three days, you see, one day, I'm
there in a truck, so he's coming up. This is
this is how much they really understand their world, speaking
of the underground. This is w O R, A M
and FM, New York, speaking of their world. I'm sitting
there and I'm getting my shoes shine see and it's
a it's a pastoral afternoon. The birds are twittering, nice

(01:43:46):
warm and suddenly this panel truck comes.

Speaker 2 (01:43:48):
Up, jadaa god, and it stops.

Speaker 4 (01:43:53):
A guy gets up and my shoeshine guy looks over
at the truck see and the two.

Speaker 5 (01:43:58):
Of them say nothing.

Speaker 4 (01:43:59):
The guy carry I figure they don't even know each other,
you know, it's just the nameless people in New York
carry stuff back and forth. And my friend is fixing
with the shoes and stuff. It's gonna sound for maybe
five minutes. And suddenly he turns to this guy and says, hey, Howard.
And Howard turns and says yeah, says.

Speaker 5 (01:44:17):
You ever get the valves ground? He says yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:44:20):
Listen, he gets in, he kicks over of the trucks
and my shoeshine mats. They sound better. His tapplets were
giving him trouble.

Speaker 5 (01:44:29):
Kind of way he goes, he knows whether the guy's
valves are ground in the truck. I felt like a
rotten outside, you know, a terrible hair. I'm saying, Oh,
it looks like a good year for the Yankees. You know,
I've been making with the talk. You know, Oh, nice day,
isn't it. Yeah? What do you think of the no administration?
And this is just nothing talk. These people are talking

(01:44:49):
about real things, you know, real things. And so a
guy walks past the other day and he's carrying a baby.
He's carrying a baby.

Speaker 4 (01:44:56):
Seeing the kid is hanging on it sounds like I
get my shoes shine all the time, twice.

Speaker 2 (01:45:00):
The week, twice the week.

Speaker 4 (01:45:02):
If you don't believe so, ask mister Leeder here at
w R, who has written three memos on it already
yet this year alone.

Speaker 5 (01:45:08):
Since the first of the year. And so I'm sitting there,
you know, and they're going past. This guy's got this
little kid, and the kid is yelling, and my friend
is going with the shoes, and these two people come.

Speaker 2 (01:45:21):
The man and the kid come past.

Speaker 5 (01:45:22):
He says, hey, hi, hello, Chuck.

Speaker 2 (01:45:26):
And Chuck doesn't say anything.

Speaker 4 (01:45:27):
The kid's yelling, and then finally Chuck takes the cigar
out of his mouth, parks the kid for a minute
on the street, just flat right down and it's duff,
just flat like kids hollering. He says, hey, I'm working
over at the corner of seven thirty fourth.

Speaker 5 (01:45:40):
Now, you know, in a warehouse air. He had a
flower warehouse air. Hey, guys, that's good, that's fine. And
he picks up the kid and goes something like that,
and then he turns up and looks it right at me.
See he's letting me in on a little bit of
the lore. See he looks at me and he says,
great guy. You know, he's one of the best.

Speaker 4 (01:46:00):
He says, this guy, everybody loves him. I immediately loved him.
I don't know why he's puffing away the cigar and
the kid's yelling. He sits them down on his stuff.
I mean, he and the kid were really together, you know.
Pump puts them run on the tough The kid hollers,
and when they when he when he gets through talking
to my shoeshine, then he grabs the kid.

Speaker 5 (01:46:16):
Up again, throws him on the shoulder. The car. You
could you say. You can see the kid has had
trouble with his oatmeal four times on his shoulder already.
It doesn't care, you know, either is the kid. So
I mean they're really really together. So he says, you know,
he says, he says, you know this guy who's working
at least forty five places. I know, he never lasts
more than three days, but everybody likes him so much
to hire him all the time. And he hates the work,

(01:46:38):
he says. Two days later he walks out and gets
another job. He likes to change. His job is changing jobs.
I said, oh, yeah, okay, And I can hear the
kid yelling and hollering. They go into cafeteria.

Speaker 4 (01:46:48):
I don't know what they had in the cafeteria down
the street, some unimaginable dish.

Speaker 5 (01:46:53):
And so I begin to realize there's an underground network,
or real underground network, and most of us are out.
I mean most of us are out. And you have
a deep feeling that, like cockroaches, these are the people
that are going to be left. I mean, thank Heavens
for the race, is all I got to say. You know,
these guys that carry things and push and by the way,

(01:47:14):
this is no sentimental hymn of praise to the to
the to the humble peon, you know, not a bit
of it. Oh no, this is no, This is no
word of carved ivory dedicated to the noble savage.

Speaker 4 (01:47:27):
No, they're neither noble nor a savage. It's just an
underground network. And once in a while you.

Speaker 5 (01:47:34):
Hear them talking. You see them sitting squatting.

Speaker 4 (01:47:36):
On their haunches next to those little carts. You know
that they push things on, squatting down there. They look
at you passing. You might as well be in the
in the Patagonian jungles. The natives watch, you know, they
watch it go pass.

Speaker 5 (01:47:50):
They holler. The whole crew of night elevator operatings, the
little short stubbing men, the guys you see in Vicbridge
eating the eating the oat meal at four o'clock in
the morning, This whole underground network, and they all.

Speaker 2 (01:48:04):
Know each other.

Speaker 5 (01:48:06):
If we were lucky, one day they would come and
overthrow the whole shooting match of us, a whole crowd
of us. Of course, there's never been any shoes shine,
but I think these people would insist that there were.

Speaker 4 (01:48:17):
A shoe shine somehow, someplace, you know, one night I
dreamed that I entered a.

Speaker 5 (01:48:25):
Huge underground temple with high arched vaults and completely filled
with some sort of subterranean, steady light. You can't push
that sort of thing aside. And at the very center
the temple sat an imposing woman in a green, flowing garment,
her head supported on her hands.

Speaker 4 (01:48:44):
She seemed absorbed in deep thought. I realized at once
that this woman was nature herself. My soul was pierced
by an instantaneous shudder of reverent fear. I approached the
woman as she sat, and, having bowed to her respectfully.

Speaker 5 (01:49:02):
I exclaimed, Oh, our universal Mother, what are thy meditations?
Art thou pondering the future destinies of mankind? Of how
he may achieve the greatest possible completion and happiness.

Speaker 2 (01:49:22):
The woman slowly turned upon me.

Speaker 5 (01:49:26):
Her dark, menacing eyes, her lips moved, and a loud
voice resounded like the sound of clanking iron. I am
thinking of how to give greater strength to the muscles
of a flea's leg, so that it may more easily
escape from its enemies.

Speaker 4 (01:49:47):
The equilibrium of assault and defense has been disturbed.

Speaker 2 (01:49:52):
It must be restored. What I stammered in.

Speaker 5 (01:49:59):
Reply is that indeed the subject of thy meditations.

Speaker 6 (01:50:05):
But are not we.

Speaker 5 (01:50:09):
The race of men thy favorite children? The woman slightly
knitted her brows.

Speaker 4 (01:50:17):
All creatures are my children, she uttered, And I care
for them all equally, and destroy them all equally. But goodness, reason, justice,
I stammered again, those are human words, resounded the iron voice.

Speaker 5 (01:50:43):
I know neither good nor evil. Reason is not law
to me?

Speaker 2 (01:50:51):
What is justice?

Speaker 5 (01:50:54):
I give thee life, and I shall take it away
from thee and give it to others, to worms or men.
It is all one in my sight. Thou, in the meantime,
protect thyself and do not hinder me. I was about

(01:51:17):
to protest, but around me the earth began to groan
with a hollow sound, and to tremble.

Speaker 7 (01:51:26):
With that.

Speaker 5 (01:51:26):
I awoke, speaking of being undone.

Speaker 4 (01:52:01):
Oh, thy follies visited upon thy each and every generation,
each and every jot, each and every tentle of.

Speaker 5 (01:52:08):
You, and the leaves shall fall in the long autumn
of eternity. Crystal, Hold of them for a while, Hold them,
come on altogether, Keep your hands close. It's time for
the march home.

Speaker 9 (01:52:36):
Light up a Winston cigarette to discover the truth of
that simple phrase. It's what's up front. That counts up front.
Ahead of Winston's pure white filter, you get exclusive filter Blend,
Tobacco's specially chosen floor filter smoking. Remember, flavorful smoking begins

(01:53:04):
upfront with filter blend. Filter blend means flavor. Filter blend
means Winston tastes good like a cigarette should.

Speaker 2 (01:53:12):
Next time you light up a cigarette, light up a Winston.

Speaker 5 (01:53:18):
There.

Speaker 2 (01:53:19):
I thought that would hold you for a while.

Speaker 4 (01:53:21):
Speaking of holding you like, we have often pointed out
one of the people who pick up the check on
this nightly piasco are the people down at Praxis, the
people who dispense with the hamburger that sports.

Speaker 5 (01:53:34):
A college education. Now, I'm quite sure that many of.

Speaker 2 (01:53:38):
You resent that.

Speaker 5 (01:53:40):
Look around you, if you're in the junior class, you'll
see body of material there. And how high is the
fat content that hamburger next to you? In biology three
oh three, particularly between the oral oracles.

Speaker 2 (01:53:59):
Huh the skull Laddie.

Speaker 4 (01:54:03):
Seventeen point seven percent butterfat all the way and it
floats prexies. If you're scouting around looking for a hamburger
that stands up and says the first hamburger in town
that fights back, I would suggest no seriously fights back. Yeah,
people often accuse me of having total recall.

Speaker 2 (01:54:25):
This is not true.

Speaker 4 (01:54:25):
I can't remember anything past nineteen fifty six. Well, I
can remember a little bit of fifty five. The thing
is actually that I don't have total recall. Most people
have total forgetfulness. And so anyone that can remember last
week somehow is a miracle of memory. And in addition
to that is one hundred and fifty years old.

Speaker 2 (01:54:47):
Prexies.

Speaker 4 (01:54:48):
And we'd like to point out that Prexis is having
a big opening day ceremony. They're opening a new Prexis
down on sixth Avenue, right around the corner from eighth Street,
right across there, you know, right next door to the
paper book Gallery, right in the heart of the swing
and sweaty village. And if you've been looking for some calories,
we would suggest that's Saturday sometime during the day. Now,

(01:55:10):
I'm serious, I'm leveling with you. If you've ever had
Prexy's soft ice cream, you know it's magnificent. Really, this
is real ice cream. This is not frozen custer or
anything like that. They turn out a soft ice cream
that will make your make your your.

Speaker 2 (01:55:25):
Your You know it works.

Speaker 4 (01:55:29):
Don't look like that. Don't look dumb boyd. You have
to fill in the few of the blanks yourself. This
is soft ice cream, dad, It really swings. I mean,
you know it says it. But you know, I'll tell
you a very funny thing off the record about this
soft ice cream. I have these friends and they're they're
people who have really made it, sadly enough, but they're

(01:55:51):
not used to having made it, you know what I mean.
They still don't believe it because every couple of days
the guy in the couple, his mother calls up and says,
when are you going to get a job? And you know,
it's terrible to explain it. And here the little fancy
place in the door man and all that stuff. And
his wife is a soft ice cream addict, she said,

(01:56:12):
I'm gonna reminded.

Speaker 5 (01:56:13):
She's insane about it. And the husband is a sardies addict,
and he's always embarrassed. So there's about five people, very
important people, you know. And and by the way, she's
made it too.

Speaker 4 (01:56:25):
She's an excellent performer, but she has somehow it hasn't
rubbed off on her. So they're standing around and somebody says, well,
where are we gonna go someone's singing Sardi's East. Someone says,
let's go out of twenty one, how about twenty one
cap cab.

Speaker 5 (01:56:39):
And the check hollers. How about let's get some soft
ice cream at Prexis.

Speaker 4 (01:56:43):
My friend has had a slaper across the mouth four
times in the last month alone, very embarrassing to him,
and so she sneaks out at night. She's a secret
soft ice cream addict. She's hooked, you know, like a
sherry collapse. It with terrible stuff. And I would suggest
that if you want to try it this Saturday, drop
into the new Praxies only the new one on sixth Avenue,

(01:57:06):
right next to the paper book Gallery on right at
the corner of eighth Street.

Speaker 5 (01:57:10):
You can't miss it in the flags and the whole jazz,
you know, eighth and six right there and about.

Speaker 2 (01:57:14):
It's about a couple of doors.

Speaker 4 (01:57:16):
South of eighth Street on sixth Avenue on the west side,
next to the paper book gallery. Go in, sit down
like you're gonna buy something. See, just look like a customer.
When the guy comes over, say sails here, and he
will not say a word. He will turn and he
will then bring back a dish of this soft ice cream.

(01:57:38):
Pour it over a Southern shortcake with a lot of
strawberries over it. You know, it's a strawberry shortcake thing.
You eat it pretending like you're paying, Get up and
walk out in the grand manner. Free, but don't say
it loudly, please don't.

Speaker 5 (01:57:54):
They don't want to have fist fights breaking up down there, now,
really do it? They're doing this?

Speaker 2 (01:58:00):
Do you know what this thing sells for? Okay, cheapy?

Speaker 5 (01:58:06):
The people there is full of freebies. Speaking of freebies,
we had.

Speaker 4 (01:58:10):
Oh, this is going to be Saturday, and sometime in
the ft Gen, I'll take you down there in the
after after my show, after the Saturday show, we'll go
down and knock down a couple of strawberry shortcakes with
soft ice cream.

Speaker 5 (01:58:24):
It's a funny thing, you know. I'll tell you. I
used to go into the Prexies over there on fifty
ninth Street, right.

Speaker 2 (01:58:32):
Off of Central Park.

Speaker 5 (01:58:33):
Central Park's out there, you know, And it used to
tee me off because they got these pictures on the wall,
and every time anything has to do with college in
this country, they immediately put a picture of Princeton on
the wall. I have never once seen a picture of
Rose poly Tech. Ever on the wall of any place,
even in the eatery on the campus of Rose poly Tech.
They got a picture of Princeton. They call it the

(01:58:54):
campus hangout. You know, they could picture of Princeton. They
picture of Dartmouth, Rose Polytech. No, Indiana. Have you ever
seen a picture of Indiana? You any place? Now? You
won't Dartmouth, yes, Williams yes, No, Indiana No. And so
I'm sitting there one night and I'm looking there as
you know, all the fancy colleges up there in prexies.

(01:59:15):
I turned to the guy and I said, how about
Ball State teachers? He says, you get out and don't
come back. I don't like that kind of language here,
so I left.

Speaker 2 (01:59:26):
I didn't even pay my bill. They don't know under one.

Speaker 4 (01:59:29):
So stand up and be counted well your stomach and
that's it, and sing it out. Speaking of singing it out,
we also have with the Village Voice speaking freebies, clinging
like a barnacle to the ship of life, the Village
Voice aching out a bare, meager existence with its tiny
band of militant readers. If you don't know anything about

(01:59:51):
the Village Voice, you should know about it. And as
a matter of fact, you know, you could go.

Speaker 2 (01:59:57):
They've just won. They've just won another content.

Speaker 5 (02:00:00):
Another prize has been given, and they were just voted
the best weekly tabloid in the state.

Speaker 2 (02:00:07):
Of New York.

Speaker 4 (02:00:08):
And there are plenty of them in this state, the
number one, and they've won this prize several times, and
this is a very official thing. All the newspapers in
the state compete for this, and the high standard of
excellence which the Village Voice has.

Speaker 5 (02:00:25):
Set has not only been kind of going up, but
their standards are much higher today than they were just
a year ago. Very interesting paper.

Speaker 4 (02:00:33):
And in a few months I will announce when it's
happening a collection of Village Voice pieces are being released
by a publisher.

Speaker 2 (02:00:41):
Here in Manhattan.

Speaker 4 (02:00:43):
It's one of the very few newspapers I've seen in
a long time that in just four or five years,
has compiled such.

Speaker 5 (02:00:49):
A literary record that they're being put between hardcovers.

Speaker 4 (02:00:55):
People like Norman Mailer, all sorts of important people have
written for the Voice in the past four five years.
And I can hardly wait for this anthology to be
put out. By the way, I have five pieces in
it myself. I'm very proud of that I used to
do a great deal of writing for the Voice, and
I hope that within the.

Speaker 5 (02:01:13):
Next couple of months I can get back to it.
I'm going to do everything I can to do it. However,
if you would like to subscribe to this paper, which
I think is a is a four dollars worth that
you'll rarely touch, give them a call now, no matter
where you are.

Speaker 4 (02:01:30):
You can be located in Greenland. As a matter of fact,
I'll tell you, gee, I wish we could do it earlier.
We can't do it tonight. But no matter where you are,
give the Village Voice a call. They're on duty right now.
The freebe editor is standing by. Oh incidentally, you know
what they're going to do pretty soon. The Voice is
going to bring out an issue devoted one issue devoted

(02:01:51):
to all the things you can snag for nothing here
in New York City, the freeb Issue. Now, seriously, they
have scouts all overlooking where you can get free soda
water you know that comes out of like in Hector's
free Mustard, Piccolilly free Archer, all that sort of thing,
and this this, uh you know, I mean, after all,
I think most of us measure life by how much

(02:02:13):
we can get away with frankly, sadly enough, it's that
kind of a you know, it's a giant bowling game
where if you can kick over the seven pin with
your heel, if you can do something with the pin,
boyd on this so that they make sure that you
know time tied in the affairs.

Speaker 5 (02:02:28):
But give them a call. It's at Watkins four four
six six' nine In New.

Speaker 4 (02:02:34):
York and reverse the, charges by the, way no matter
where you, are reverse the charges and they'll put you
on the. List and for the next year you'll get
jewels fight for every, week you'll Get Bill, mannvil you
get all kinds of interesting, people and probably every third
or fourth week you'll be.

Speaker 2 (02:02:51):
Mad you.

Speaker 5 (02:02:51):
KNOW i think people are at their healthiest when they're.

Speaker 4 (02:02:55):
ANGRY i really. Do AND i think one of the
what was wasn't it? Soccer, yes who defined the role
of the? Gadfly the gadfly role in? Civilization it is as.
Necessary the gadfly is as necessary as the rock. Bound you,
KNOW i have come to a, conclusion or the number

(02:03:16):
Is watkins four four six six,' nine, you know speaking of,
THE gadfly i have come to the conclusion after watching
many executives at work that there are basically two types
of Executives in, american BUSINESS and i presume this is the.

Speaker 2 (02:03:32):
World over it Doesn't make. America nothing the.

Speaker 4 (02:03:34):
ONLY reason I say american Is because I'm an american
and know More about american than any. OTHER country i
have come to the conclusion that there are two kinds.
Of executives there's the one sort of executive whose, only
talent and it might be a very wildly, creative one
is in creating reasons for why new things can't, be

(02:03:55):
done for why some guys immediate reaction is to immediately
catalog five thousand reasons why certain things cannot. Be, done
now there is another kind of executive who is, extremely
rare by. The way this is the kind of executive
whose first reaction when a new idea is given, to
him if he likes, the idea who immediately reacts in

(02:04:17):
such a way as to how can we get around
all the ridiculous things that would ordinarily prevent us from doing.
This thing these are very, different types, and incidentally they
are almost impossible to detect because they often look. Exactly
alike it is only after watching a man work for
five years do you realize what school he, belongs.

Speaker 5 (02:04:38):
To so don't believe in what. They say many, guy, says, Now,
look charlie ONE thing i want is. NEW ideas i want.
Blannah baah and he goes on like this for, two
years and then at the end of two years, he,
says however because of so and so usually other reasons beyond,
his control we won't be able to. Do, This now many.

Speaker 4 (02:04:57):
A guy Many a guy's total function an organization is
the function of. Creative obstructionism this is a this is,
A yeah i, really uh this is a this is
a Kind of and by, the way there are whole political.

Speaker 5 (02:05:11):
Parties based on this and obstructionism as a way, of life,
you see and as a as a forward. Looking policy
then it gets to be a very. Interesting thing there's
such a thing as a, positive obstructionism and it gets,
pretty wild. You say and so, you see there are
two types of executives and. They work and HERE is

(02:05:33):
i think one.

Speaker 4 (02:05:33):
Of the most one of the most interesting of all
aspects of this type Of, of well the, two executives the,
two types they do not ever. Exist together it is
impossible for the two of them to. Exist together THEY
cannot a man who is a a doer AND and

(02:05:55):
i don't don't think this Is A Norman vincent peel
speech like mister doer and. Mister, NO incidentally i would
like to point out that the man whose chief function
is total obstructionism. Often talks he has slogans all over
his walls who say things like, nothing ventured nothing gain
think all sorts of things like the forward progressive man

(02:06:18):
is the man who gets the first worm, and something
because he's always assuring himself that he is, this thing
and he has to constantly reiterate it.

Speaker 5 (02:06:26):
To himself and then.

Speaker 4 (02:06:27):
If you look at, his record you'll see that the
best things they ever Say about, Charlie Boy charlie shure
saved us from that terrible disaster in. Forty three you
remember when we were all going to make the plastic
Widgets and charlie, said no and the plastic widget market
just blew up. Next week in, other words his achievement
is a totally, negative one and it is a. POSITIVE

(02:06:50):
achievement i suppose if you look at a negative achievement
as a positive act or a, positive effect it's. Very,
complicated now these two guys never. Exist together it's like oil,
and water they seem to because the two types are
often on, the surface.

Speaker 2 (02:07:05):
Well never on the surface.

Speaker 4 (02:07:07):
Easily detected because every man likes to believe that he
is one who sees that things.

Speaker 5 (02:07:11):
Are done every man likes to, believe it so they
all make the. Same noises it is in the end
only when you judge the final and it sometimes takes
years the final record pretty interesting thing. To see And
so i've come to the conclusion that.

Speaker 2 (02:07:27):
The guys who are who are the.

Speaker 4 (02:07:29):
First type the guys who are who are the great
believers in this fantastic kind, of forward fast moving, progressive
obstructionism whatever is that they, call it are secretly.

Speaker 2 (02:07:40):
Ghost believers they believe.

Speaker 5 (02:07:43):
In ghosts and if it was, another time, they would
really they would believe in, real ghosts you know. They
would they would be, the, first really they would be
the first crowd to get the. TORCHES out i, mean,
ghosts witches dark evil spirits that lurk on the other
side of. The haste.

Speaker 2 (02:08:01):
These are the things that they really.

Speaker 5 (02:08:02):
Believe in and sometimes it takes a tremendous circumlocution of,
the mind of a tremendous creative drive to arrive at
the final decision that there's a ghost in. The barn
that's What caused that's What caused fred's put. To hurt
and what do, You? Mean heed he kicked the door?
Jam there, He asked you Kicked the?

Speaker 4 (02:08:23):
George, jam sure but you'll walk past that doorjam five
times in the, last time but you didn't.

Speaker 5 (02:08:28):
Kick it Why did fred? KICK it i asked? You
back answer, Me, That well fred's, A fool fred, Fumble
ah and not wait. A minute I've seen fred go
a whole day without kicking that. Door jam why did he?
Do it i'll. Tell you did you hear that funny
noise in the barn two?

Speaker 2 (02:08:42):
Weeks ago i'm gonna, say anything just cheap it?

Speaker 5 (02:08:47):
In mind oo hear the, Shutters banging and the next thing,
you know you're believing. In ghosts and THE whole tv
radio industry is ghost ridden. Of ghosts they believe in
terrible things. That happen if you say, TERRIBLE things, i
mean even if you say, non existent will you.

Speaker 2 (02:09:09):
You hear the ghosts out there in.

Speaker 5 (02:09:10):
The darkness and it's a very interesting thing to observe the.
Ghost believers, And incidentally i've found that a man who
does not believe in ghosts can't even sit across the
table from a guy who does the minute somebody, says
it like ONE day i was LISTENING to i think
It Was, martha dean and she had some actress who

(02:09:30):
was noted to be a, deep thinker or at least
was given credit for being a. Deep, thinker see and
they were talking away with all the deep, think sounds,
you know and the right concern for the, right issues
and they're going, along there and all of, a sudden this,
woman says in the middle of, the discussion why of
course you need to tell me you don't believe. In
ghosts i'll. TELL you i was Talking to Lord potter

(02:09:52):
by the, other day, OF course i was visiting it
his Estate, in Lancashire And lord POTERBY and i both
agreed that it's certainly that many people who are otherwise
intelligent people do not understand nor realize the actual existence
of the. Little people while it was, a long pregnant
pause and and the kind of a clearing of, the

(02:10:12):
Throat And martha deane, went on and these little insight
moments that you hear on. The air the, Other day
martha di did a.

Speaker 4 (02:10:20):
Beautiful one she was interviewing a doctor who was talking,
about hepatitis and she, was saying how is?

Speaker 5 (02:10:26):
It spread and so he starts to tell her how it.
Is spread one of the ways it's spread is through
tattooing and marthatine without batting and eyes. As well we
were not particularly interested. In that we leave that problem to,
the psychiatrist and now let's get the people who want to.
GET tattooed.

Speaker 4 (02:10:49):
I might as well, admit THOUGH when i was nine,
YEARS old i had a secret desire to have an
anchor or something tattooed.

Speaker 5 (02:10:54):
On ME but i used to draw things on the
back of my hand, and ink, you.

Speaker 2 (02:10:59):
Know tattoo, you know put.

Speaker 4 (02:11:00):
Down there and ONE time i go out to the
candy STORE and i buy, this cockamami, you know this
little decal that get paste, on there and It Was Yellowstone.
National park put it, on there and there Was the
Wonders Of Yellowstone national park in. Three COLORS and i
came Home and i'm sitting THERE and i washed my
hands very carefully, before supper all the way around this.
LITTLE square, i see. You can't you Can't Wash Yellowstone,

(02:11:22):
national park. You Know so i'm washing around the SQUARE
and i, come there come sit down, the Supper and i'm.
Eating away and my, mother says wash. YOUR hands, I
says i washed. My hands what do, you mean, she
says wash. YOUR hands, I says i've washed. My hands,
She Says old faithful.

Speaker 2 (02:11:37):
Is dirty.

Speaker 5 (02:11:39):
And there Was old faithful sticking, up there and there
was a big Glob of indiana mud clinging to, and so,
of course, you know, time tied and the affairs of
men always. Undo, YOU now i hope you're working on
your positive absolute genius for a.

Speaker 4 (02:11:52):
Total forgetfulness don't don't. Remember, anything really it makes it
so much easier. To swing it makes it a lot harder.
To think but, after all who wants?

Speaker 5 (02:12:02):
To?

Speaker 2 (02:12:02):
THINK really, i mean, YOU know i mean.

Speaker 5 (02:12:04):
You fill in all the little. Squares there i'll tell
you what. You do start at one and then run
the line down.

Speaker 2 (02:12:09):
To two you.

Speaker 5 (02:12:11):
Got it now draw a little line with your pencil
from two.

Speaker 2 (02:12:16):
To, three.

Speaker 5 (02:12:18):
Shop it's the all the way. To it now draw
one there from three. To FOUR did i tell you
about THE time i found this Magazine Called. Spicy whoopy
it was a. Wild magazine, OF course i was right
in the middle of my little orphan anti Phase and
i'm walking along the ALLEY and i find this Magazine Called. Spicy,

(02:12:39):
WHOOPY well I Mean, Spicy whoopy and it was the
first Magazine Called spicy WHOOPY that i ever encountered that
had a. Crossword puzzle, so wild this, crossword puzzle you
ever saw nothing but four? Letter words, of course, you
know when you live in the backyard you walk up
and down, the alley you pick up quite. An EDUCATION
and i was a crossword, puzzle FAN so i filled.

(02:13:00):
It out three, days later my mother found that crosswerd
puzzle all filled out under. My, bed well you take
not join the line from five? To six, she said
where did you learn? THESE words i Said? From dad,
she said? Who said you get in there and wash
your mouth out now with palm olive and be quick.
About it. IT'S funny i had a molar filled with

(02:13:22):
palm olive all the way up until my. Eighteenth year
it was a.

Speaker 2 (02:13:26):
Temporary filling you.

Speaker 1 (02:13:27):
Are from, september fourth nineteen. Sixty one who is Really?
An American square Eggs From? North Carolina swimming pools And
fallout Shelters a bangalore torpedo movie In. The army part
of the program's opening theme has. Been deleted, YOU know i.

Speaker 5 (02:13:58):
Feel like tonight a good. Clarion call not necessarily to
do here. Of, course oh by, the way that's a
good word. For you that is tonight's, magic. Keyword clarion look.
It up it's spelled with an, a, clarion, clarion. Carrion clarion,

(02:14:20):
come on bring it, up, here boy don't get. A
chance that's that's the. Mystery word if we mentioned it,
again tonight it's good for fifty. THOUSAND dollars i us,

(02:15:00):
STILL bugged i. Mean still did you read about in?
The paper, of course the big things that are really,
really significant they're hardly ever. Really reported it's always been.
A problem did you read in the paper about this
company Over in jersey that is in trouble. With employees,

(02:15:20):
in fact it looks like there's going to be a
giant strike because the company is trying to write into
the contract that the employees have to observe a work
break at least twice a day of no more than seventeen.
Minutes duration it's. A fact i'm not. Kidding you they
insist that from. Now on because things aren't so good

(02:15:42):
in the. Business anymore there's all kinds, of competition stuff
that the employees have to take a. Work break and they,
went on and the company went on and listed things that,
they did, for example, coffee breaks, rest period, lunch period,
ticket selling, vacation planning collection for people who have, gotten
married people who have, gotten divorced people who, have died

(02:16:03):
people who are about, to die people who are, just
feeding like taking up, a collection people who Are selling
christmas Seals, in august all, this stuff and it says it's,
the facts that's so they came along and they measured
the amount of time that's spent in this company by
the average employee every day either talking to people about,
those things fending, off people or going out themselves. To

(02:16:28):
collect and they realized that now work is the exception
in the company and is highly resented by, the employees by,
the way and so they want to get it right
down in black, and white that the employees are required
to have two work breaks a. Day required and you know.
What's happening the employees are really up in arms and
they're really, bristling now and it's sweeping. All Over jimmy

(02:16:51):
hoff has been on the phone for three hours about,
this THING and i just thought who's? BUGGING you, i
mean like the, Other day i'm looking Through the sillies
section Of The New, york times which can on any
given day be almost, any section But on sunday it's usually.
That page and on the back where they sell the,
hip boots the giant size, hip boots and the and

(02:17:13):
the telescopes that will enable you To, see mars all this.

Speaker 4 (02:17:16):
Wild.

Speaker 5 (02:17:16):
Stuff surplus it's always. Called SURPLUS and i don't know
where the army got all those balloon Shaped like mickey
mouse in that that they're always selling, A surplus i
mean surplus from what. You know the idea of surplus
used to be that the, army ran, you know they
ran out of war and they were left with the
like say eighteen million rounds of one oh five ammunition something. Like,

(02:17:38):
that well on, that surplus, you know you don't have
anybody to. Shoot at the stuff is. Going bad you
got to get rid, of it, you know the lay
in the. Fresh stocks so that's what. Surplus, was now
all of, a sudden All These mickey moss balloons and
stuff are, popping UP and i can't remember many OF those,
I saw and now there, were FEW but i don't
see how they could have much surplus because they were
hard to get your. HANDS on, i mean especially back

(02:17:58):
in the real days of. THE war, i mean, for
example they had they had five thousand surplus beach balls
a lest of two weeks ago in. The, Times now
i'll tell you this that it is true during the
war they did have a lot of beach, balls around
and it. Is true but, you know towards the end
it was very difficult to, get them especially in The.
SIGNAL corps i don't know how they had have wound
up with a whole warehouse full of the. Darn things.

Speaker 3 (02:18:20):
You know it's a.

Speaker 5 (02:18:20):
Funny thing so right there in the middle of the
silly page is a is. A note all it says
is who? Are, you well let's stop me in. My
tracks i've been trying to figure that one out. For centuries.
You know. It's FUNNY how i wonder how people it
must be great to be able to wander right through
life and, never question never asked, these questions say who?

Speaker 6 (02:18:38):
ARE you?

Speaker 5 (02:18:39):
I AM. Charles. M, smithers oh now, come on there's
more to it. Than That JUST. Charles, M smithers you
mean to tell me if your name, was gone you wouldn't. Be,
ANYTHING well I AM. Charles. M smithers, i AM and
i Live, In Englewood. New jersey oh is. That right
you know a lot of people think they'll Still be
americans when. They're dead, you know a, funny thing but

(02:19:02):
you know. That's true all nationality. Disappears immediately he'd. Be
surprised and you're Not an american before you're, Born either
you only. Won briefly and even that is a doubtful
thing from time, to time because nobody really quite knows
What an. American is although guys set themselves up every
five minutes as experts on, the subject they generally Define

(02:19:23):
an american as what, they are which is the easy
way to. Define it you seem the, safest, way too
because you wouldn't want to define yourself out, of business
which has happened to some tyrants in. The past, you, Know,
somebody yeah there's. The truth. You know one day the
guy puts up the thing on, the door, you know
he posts the rules on Who's an, american today and
somebody looks in they discover the third rule that the

(02:19:44):
guy that put the rules out didn't really fit that.
One himself and the, next thing, You know oh it's.
A mess then they've got new rules and the. Whole
business are You? AN american, i, MEAN seriously i can
Sing The jack. Armstrong song does that? Qualify? ME yes
I suppose i've eaten my share OF wheaties. I have
i've read my share, of Ads and i've done all.

(02:20:06):
OF it, i, Mean really it's an interesting thing, about
that because there was a big Discussion in congress the.
Other day two guys got up to congressmen and they
they argued it out In the congressional record about who Was,
An american and of course they were both implying that
the other wasn't in spite of the fact that he
was the honored Gentleman from Pittsburgh or utah or wherever it.
Was from, you know the implication was that he wasn't Really.

(02:20:28):
An american you know what Really an, american is? Don't?
You Oh an american is whoever's in. Your party that's Who's.
An american whoever believes like. You do that's what A real.
AMERICAN is, i mean, if you're, if you're If you're by,
the way it's fascinating to me that most of the
conservatives today that they call conservatives, are anything but. They're

(02:20:49):
radicals as a matter. Of fact they they proposed to
tear up everything that's been written down Since The. Magna
carta as a matter, of fact some of them are
even Against The, magna carta which is by the way,
Radical actually and yet they call. Themselves conservatives and on the,
other hand most liberals are anything but, they're very very
very irritated about people who do not who do not.

(02:21:12):
THINK right, i mean they're they're very very anti non right.
Thinking people, oh yeah that is a very. Strong course
that's true of anybody who. Thinks right, WELL us, i
mean who thinks right is? THE way i think that's
all there is. TO that, i mean that's easy. To
decide there's no problem with. THAT one, i mean that's
the easiest one to. Put down so the fistfight. Goes

(02:21:34):
on And and i'd like, to know is There one
american out there who really knows He's? AN american, i,
mean absolutely, without question. He, Knows, now now don't don't
come along and tell me You're an american as you
were Born. IN chicago i, was too that doesn't. MEAN anything, i,
Mean Obviously i've i've been all have you wondered whether
or not they have a file on, you someplace somebody

(02:21:54):
with all kinds of little footnotes and conclusions. About you. You, know,
Well anyway i'm reading this silly section Of the times
and it says who? Are YOU and i read a
little bit further on, it says now you Can get
oh There's an american. Out, there well first, of all
ask him for. HIS credentials i am not going to
talk to, any phonies because we're liable to get involved
with all kinds of, bad STUFF and i don't want to.

(02:22:15):
DO that i want to. MAKE sure i want to
make sure that that, he's right, YOU know i mean
that he has All h will you please show me?
His credentials, oh, incidentally yeah Born. In france well that's
about as good a set of CREDENTIALS as i know.
Of off and as a matter, of fact most foreigners
who do come over here Make better americans Than. The,
americans actually, you know they appreciate a lot of things

(02:22:39):
That most americans don't even. Know exist of. That matter it's,
the truth. You know and he's laughing because he Knows
what i'm. Talking about for crying. Out, loud, well anyway
we who, are YOU and. I couldn't i couldn't miss,
that one, YOU know i had to stop and read
that when it was right next to the thing where
they were selling the used rubber kayaks that you blow

(02:23:01):
up comes with a pump and the. Whole, business ay
and it says who? Are you, it says validated proof
of personal identification is now available to. THE public, i
mean you can now. Be validated it's now available to.
The public validated proof of who you are is now
available to. The public, of course it's been available to
all those guys that are in for a. Long time,
you know there's big shots with the cards that. They flash,

(02:23:23):
it says confirm your identity with A Distinctive national identification
document and that's in, capital letters. Very official. It says
document is, wallet sized, tamper, proof, plastic, laminated duplicate furnisure if.
Ever lost it's a do It yourself and then they
go on and say a do IT yourself. Id. Card
ah in, another word you. Identify, yourself well that's kill

(02:23:45):
that one. Right. There hair it COEs talent the drain
with all the rest of the. Silly stuff it says
it's issued by an. Exclusive source you there's only. ONE
other u issue YOUR own, Id card we'll. Laminate it,
and boy there's nothing more official. THAN lamination i like
to be laminated myself once While on saturday, nights late.

(02:24:06):
Of course but if there's if there's anyone around here
who really knows He's, An american i'd be glad to hear,
from HIM and i just like talk. To him i'd
like to reach out and shake shake, his hand. You
know speaking of what goes ON in i got, it here,
hold on hold, ON here i got a picture of,
a coffin by, The way it just came to my Attention.
Here again that's recommended by leading funeral directors and is

(02:24:27):
guaranteed by, good HOUSEKEEPING which i think is kind. OF
nice i like things tidied up around. The HOUSE and
i also have a note here in case. You're, interested now,
you see what we're trying to do is to get
at the basic problem of what we are and who,
we are and with the, goist us, you know it's
going to be awful if we. Found out maybe we

(02:24:49):
better quit fool. THEM around, i, MEAN well i will
find out, one night and then where IT'S gonna, i mean,
OH boy i mean it would. BE rotten i mean.
ACTUALLY rotten i mean to really find out, the truth,
you know can't? You see so uh here we got
another Here, From Raleigh. North carolina it's from an. Official.
University See North Carolina state college is out to move
forward in the fields of the agricultural arts. And sciences

(02:25:11):
they have now produced a. Good, Egg Incidentally north carolina
is known as The Good. EGG state a lot of
good eggs Come From. NORTH carolina i met a couple in.
THE army i don't forget one. Of them, huh yeah
a little, problem there but he was a good egg
buy and large and they do have on their, license plate,
you know The Good. Egg state at a Breakfast, In Raleigh,

(02:25:31):
north Carolina the Governor Of north carolina will represented with
a supply, of eggs The New north. Carolina eggs, hall it,
hold it, hold it. Hold it this is a special
bullet and that has just. Come In North Carolina state
college has produced now a. Square, egg, no seriously they
now have chickens that lay. Square eggs they're very, uncomfortable

(02:25:54):
chickens but nevertheless they're giving all. For us, you know
for years we've all wanted a, square egg, YOU know
i mean egg cups really in, a sense are kind.
OF well, i mean, you know first, of all, the
egg by, the way is a very. Fragile shape beautiful shape,
actually artistically but it doesn't hold up in. The dishwasher

(02:26:14):
and now that's. The truth the egg cups are very.
Very fragile so now they've produced a. Square EGG as,
i said it's very uncomfortable on. The hen and here's
the way they produce a. Square egg in case, You're
Interested DOCTOR. Henry w garron of The College's poultry science
department told how square eggs. Are, produced first a cube

(02:26:35):
shaped template. Or form now that's actually. A mold i mean.
The template that's a very high flute word, for it
but it's. A mold see of calcium was prepared and
the egg minus this regular shell was. Placed inside the
template was then introduced to. THE hen i like the
way they, say that which then produced a. SQUARE egg

(02:27:01):
i like the way they put that it was introduced to.
THE hen i don't know whether you know ANYTHING about,
i mean this is a terrible sum but what happened is,
actually well well we'll keep that for the. Next, semester
anyway the doctor went on to say she'll put a
shell around anything. This hen then they went out, to

(02:27:23):
say then the scientists then have to remove the cube shaped,
egg quote because the hen can't lay. It properly that's putting.
It mildly all kinds of corners on. Squares There doctor
garn doesn't believe square eggs will replace the standard. Varieties
soon although more convenient for packing, and storing they aren't

(02:27:44):
really as convenient for, the hens and they are not
nearly as strong as the. Regular eggs, several things and,
in fact well as a matter, of fact there's a
delegation of hens now Down In north carolina and they're
raising all kinds. Of cane There's an American consenses, oh, no,

(02:28:04):
No no well he just says that his qualification is
that he and he is for, mother love for, good Guys,
the yankees and. Against, sin well that's fairly. Good, qualifications,
however however the New, neo, american however has a lot
of bad things to say about. Mother love The, neo american,
you know is in an analysis. RIGHT now A good

(02:28:25):
american is. An analysis and of course we have just
scratched mother love off the list of Things that americans. Are,
for okay they are not quite yet determined whether or
Not mother love does come under the category of apple
Pie and coca cola and various other things of. That
type general Motors, The Yankees mickey mantle and nice good

(02:28:48):
things LIKE W, O R a M, And fm and
of course A good american is always anti. Singing commercial
if he's A, good american then you feel better about
smoking with a Taste.

Speaker 2 (02:28:58):
Of kent you feel better.

Speaker 7 (02:29:00):
About smoking with the, Taste again can't whip the micronife
cancer refinds away, harsh flavor refinds away.

Speaker 5 (02:29:09):
Hot taste it makes the taste of.

Speaker 7 (02:29:13):
A cigarette mile as a body day in the Hot.
Come lain can't is the best for the flavor. You
like can is the best for the flavor.

Speaker 6 (02:29:23):
You, like yes, For, millions kent the cigarette that made the,
filter famous is the best because it combines the perfect
blend of finest quality tobaccos for true tobacco taste with
a free and easy draw The famous. Micronite filter you
feel better.

Speaker 7 (02:29:41):
About smoking with the Taste against kent With the micronifeza rise.

Speaker 5 (02:29:47):
Harsh flavor readin that's A fact americans hate.

Speaker 6 (02:29:51):
Singing commercial you'll feel better about smoking with the Taste
of kent.

Speaker 5 (02:29:55):
Want walk, it's true they don't. Want wak they do
not like. Singing commercials and, interestingly Enough the europeans. Dig
them it's a. Wild thing i'll tell. You this if
you've ever Been in europe and you have not taken
along a, transistor radio you have missed one of the
most important Parts. Of, EUROPE REALLY i, i boy you

(02:30:17):
ought to sit down Sometime with luxembourg radio stuck in. One.
Ear boy they have they have undoubtedly the most uninhibited commercials. You,
ever oh you can't imagine what kind of commercials. They
got they're wild and and and, interestingly enough you know
almost all of their commercials are Made. In london and

(02:30:39):
it's it's intriguing to, hear this this. Distinguished sounding, of
course that's one of. The things one Thing. About americans
we always assume that anyone who Has an english accent
automatically is distinguished and is a superb artist and is.
Very smart and it's it's wild to hear them doing,
these wild. Silly commercials and they. Do COMMERCIALS when i,

(02:30:59):
say inhibited they do stuff on their radio over there
that if we did here in, the commercials if we
had a. Commercial on five minutes, after THAT the fcc
would be down here with. Tear gas i'm blasting the
salesmen right out of their cubby, holes seriously and, and
uh of course the listeners would, love it which is

(02:31:22):
a sad fact we have. To face, you know we
on one hand we proclaimed one thing and on the
other hand were all deep Down slops and it's a.
Terrible problem you don't have to fight this, be course uh,
you know speaking of ubb of the of the business
of what were we? Speaking of, OH yeah i know
what we were. Speaking out whether You're an american? Or not,

(02:31:44):
and uh this is this is becoming increasingly hard. To determine,
you Know an american used to be just a guy
who Lived. In america did you know it was as
simple as that guy came, over here he's, his citizen He's,
an american and he could holler anything. He wanted and
it really they, really believed it, was really really serious.
About that, today now, of course you've got to do

(02:32:05):
more than that to Be. An american you got to
be got to be all kinds of things to Be.
An american and hardly anybody can really define it What an,
american is and, of course there in lies the great
danger is is. The Definition now i'm sure that a
lot of guys listening out there and what is this clown?
Talking about I'm? An american what is he? Talking, About
well i'm not so sure that You're an american according

(02:32:27):
to somebody. Else's definition, For example i'm quite sure that
a lot of guys who listen to this program are
defined As an american purely because they listen. To it,
YOU know i wouldn't be a, bit surprised would? You
add fascinating by. Certain People now i'm not saying officially by,
certain people as, for example most people are described as

(02:32:48):
a nut just because they don't talk the way this.
NUT talks, i mean there are a lot of different kinds,
of nuttiness and most people define nuttiness as the other
kind that took a long time to, settle in isn't?
It there that is what. Nuttiness is and, you know,

(02:33:12):
YOU know i know. A guy i know a guy
who hasn't read anything But The Wall street journal for twenty.
Seven Years The Wall, street journal and the back page
IS a. Tv guide so you can see this guy
is really hung on some very. Interesting values so he
spends all of us time talking about the rest of
the world as. Being nuts and it's a trigging. Now here,
for example here's here's a wonderful example OF what i
call dynamic nuttiness in action in one of the, local

(02:33:35):
papers which happens to Be The. Democrat Flemington the Democrat
of Flemington the jersey is a great there's a, great
ad a series of ads on page, Twenty six august,
thirty first nineteen. Sixty one and we have come a
long way in our in our, long travail, you know
all of us as people crawling up this fantastic pyramid,

(02:33:56):
of time creating this enormous monolith. Of progress we're working
our way up, like that like a long skein. Of
ants do you see progress that way as a lot
of ants crawling up the side of a? Brick wall,
You know it's like this guy the. Other day did
you hear about the guy they caught Out, in fairbanks
someplace Outside? Of alaska, In fact i've got. The article

(02:34:19):
did you hear? About him he was a tourist up
There in alaska seed and he's out there in the
wilds and he, gets lost well for about. Two months he.
Wandered around they figured he. Was gone well two months
he wandered around at they're eating berries, and bark and
he was heading towards what he figured. Was, home well
when they, caught him they found that he was in
A direct b line For The arctic circle. And nothing

(02:34:43):
and they put him on the plane and he fought
all the. Way back he said they were taking him the.
Wrong way and it wasn't until two weeks later out
there poured a lot of water on his head and
shot him full of all kinds of glucose and stuff
that he finally conceded they might, be right but then against.
Badly enough he might have. Been right he was heading

(02:35:04):
back to something that looks like it's going to turn
out to be, pretty Wild although i'm not sure that
he thought it out. That far so maybe we're heading
Towards the maybe we're heading Towards The. Arctic circle man
in his rush, Towards progress but, you know we can't
be convinced of that till two. Weeks Later, after, well

(02:35:25):
anyway here In the flemington the democratsy on page twenty
six or whatever page, it is there's a great big
quarter page ad by the same. Company see and this
company has two big ads exactly the, same size and
they are both cheery. Looking ads each one, starts out
ask for our, free brochure very. Cheery see and the
first one on, top says ask for our free brochure

(02:35:46):
about our new utility. Fallout shelter right phone for free
brochure with complete sizes. And prices and then right underneath it,
it says write for your free brochure about the new holiday.
Swimming pool. You see they make it the. Same way
you just take. Your choice it depends on whether you're

(02:36:06):
a conservative or, a liberal which side of the ads,
you pick whether you're a radical or whether you're, you know. Same,
company oh by the way each one has, UNDERNEATH it
I think i think one of the most interesting lines
of all is one of the lines is one of the.
Great lines listen of. THIS one i think this is very.
Significant ad in the swimming pool ad it says five year.

(02:36:27):
Financing arranged it does not say that in the ad
for the. Fallout, shelter now, of course one of these
ads is for, positive thinkers the other is. For, thinkers,
well NOW now i suppose it's easy to confuse. THE
two i mean the too often. Are confused, you know

(02:36:48):
speaking of speaking of, THESE problems i the OTHER day
i casually mentioned you've probably heard it On their speaking of,
casual mentions we're going to have to tell you here
that we have With Us general tire tonight and they're
having a big sale down at your general. Tire dealer
and if you want to ride on premium, quality tires
if you want to go, IN style, i mean if

(02:37:10):
you want to be found with good rubber on, YOUR
wheels i would suggest that you contact your general, tire,
DEALER okay i mean it would be terrible when they
dig you up four thousand years from now to be
found in, a battered old second. Hand kayak, you know
it's well known that, the Pharaohs the, egyptian pharaohs when
they were put away at they were put away with

(02:37:31):
their best absolutely their best boat Was. Late ati, in
fact many of them had a new one built for
them just, for that because they didn't want to, you
know my grandmother always used to SAY when i was
on my way, to school she, would say do you
have clean? Socks on and let me see. YOUR socks
i want to make sure you don't have holes, in
them because when you get. RUN over i don't want
them to have awful thoughts about what kind of kids
we got, around here how we're bringing you up clean

(02:37:53):
underwear and socks. WITHOUT holes i would suggest you have
a pair of clean underwear and some socks without holes
in your. Bomb shelter you don't want to give people a. Bad,
impression okay along with that, cat, food peggin it's, All
right and don't forget to have fresh batteries for your.
Transistor radio you might want. To hear I'll bet i'll

(02:38:16):
tell you this after after, An explosion i'll bet the
radioactivity will be so great in you neighborhood you will
be able to get a signal if you turn out
a transistor radio a high. Pitched hum have you ever heard?
Of radio have you ever heard radio activity actually on?
A radio you know you can? Hear radioactivity, you know.
Radio radio it's the, same thing, you know the. Same.
Problem baby do you know that when radio first started

(02:38:37):
out back in, the twenties people thought radio caused people
to be cause their hair to? Fall out did you
know that that that they were besieging radio transmitters all
Over The? United states it says it caused my hair
to fall out and my teeth to, go bad all
that rotten stuff you're putting. ON there a little did
they realize it. Was true it took us thirty five
years to finally buy scientific analysis and tests to realize

(02:38:58):
that it's. Actually true why do you think all the
guys are going bald? These days at? Thirty two radio
television is making it. Even worse have you noticed your
feet have been? Hurting lately that's, no coincidence no coincidence.
At all while we're on the subject of, this problem,

(02:39:19):
you know the problem that. We've, got ah What an
american is on? The phone how do you know It's?

Speaker 7 (02:39:24):
An?

Speaker 5 (02:39:25):
American huh? He's, what oh It's? An american, all right
let me see It's an. American? Here hello are You?

Speaker 1 (02:39:31):
An?

Speaker 5 (02:39:31):
American Oh?

Speaker 7 (02:39:33):
An?

Speaker 5 (02:39:33):
American huh well you're one of. The few have you?
Been cleared.

Speaker 6 (02:39:40):
You've?

Speaker 5 (02:39:40):
Been, cleared okay you got all you filled? Out forms,
All right i've Got a i'm reading a wild book
about this guy who institutes these. Loyalty forms and he was.

Speaker 1 (02:39:54):
In from, september fifth nineteen. Sixty One an, Unsolvable problem rats,
and cheese Nonviolent violent the probabilities of suicide being in
a box reading a Work By. James thurber.

Speaker 5 (02:42:06):
Is there a Good time charlie with? Us tonight i'm
looking for one, Good. TIME charlie i, DON'T well i
have to again have to go back there right to.
The start there is this is this an expression that
was only used In The. MIDDLE west i don't want
to to break the frame. Of reference, you know you

(02:42:26):
know what? Is it the frame? Of reference? Of. Course
uh the the frame of reference is that when you're
recognized by somebody or something and they put a label,
under you automatically you become what the. Label says now
that that gives your frame. Of reference, FOR example i
want to Thank The New york times for writing about my.
Radio program i'm officially coming on record here, as saying.

(02:42:50):
OF course i noticed though that they that they wrote
up me might show you Know the times you see
that ed. Was wonderful they wrote it up about a,
week Ago, last, monday say and they wrote the whole
thing up and then they have a list there things recommended.
On RADIO well i. Wasn't included they get together there
and but that's. ALL right i, appreciate it and it.

(02:43:14):
Was wonderful i'd like to know who wrote. It up whoever,
it was didn't have the guts to sign. HIS name
i noticed that the that the articles on the radio
page are, always signed, you, know well this one there's no,
signing there nobody's name. Under it but maybe that makes
it even, more official because you see it represents Then
The New york. Times, itself well one of the most
one of the most interesting results of the write up

(02:43:37):
was that immediately are received about two hundred and fifty
letters that expressed consternation and confusion that suddenly it became
apparent that something, was there something, was afoot and that
there was a label now. A, dashaha well of course
we spent most of our lives searching. For identity have

(02:43:57):
you found out who you? Are yet come, on now
please don't come here and plead for any kind. Of
sympathy if you're going to plead, for sympathy. SPEAK up
i can't stand anybody groveling at this hour. And now
grubling is between the hours of nine and. Five thirty
that's on your regular. Company time don't please, don't, grubble
please not on your. Own time don't, grouvele here. No

(02:44:19):
grumbling i'm sorry, For You and i'm sorry the way
your eyes are popping and, all THAT but i mean
that's the way. It is it's a problem has to
do with, you know glands and that sort. Of, thing
now while we're on the subject of, of course there's
all kinds of things that are bothering as the question, about,
it seriously have you found out who? You are how

(02:44:39):
long have you been really looking for? The answer while
on the subject of finding out who? You are is
there a Good time charlie with us tonight or has
the general world condition preempt at the Good time, charlie's
time which often have speaking. BEING preempted i will be
preempted tomorrow night by several good time charliees who are
running or the office of mayor Of the City Of.

(02:45:02):
New YORK and i hope you'll be sitting there on
the sidelines of rooting your favorite, candidate home cheering him.
Mine well on the subject of Good, time CHARLIE why
i asked this is that is that one of the
very earliest RECOLLECTIONS that i have of someone being described
along that line was my father described one of my

(02:45:24):
uncles once as a Good. Time, charlie well his Name
was CARL and, i couldn't, YOU know i couldn't figure
out what he meant by Good time CHARLIE because i
Had An uncle charlie and he was never referred to
as Good Time. Uncle charlie as a matter, Of Fact
uncle charlie had nothing but bad times most of, the
time and no one ever said he was a Good.
Time Charlie But uncle carl was a Good. Time charlie

(02:45:45):
very difficult for a kid. To understand and then in the,
next breath my father described him as a big buttern. Egg,
MAN well i happen to Know That uncle carl never
once had a butternegg rot. Root zoot what he did
was play. The banjo he didn't have butter, And eggs
and so all in, one sentence he was he was
a Good time charlie and a big buttered. Egg man

(02:46:08):
and of course there was a long involved discussion with
me then trying to straighten that whole. THING out i
was never, convinced ever really that, you know it's a
dialectic materialism. Or something you ever tried to argue with
a communist or, Religious zealot. You can't there's a certain
amount of you gotta believe somewhere along the line about
something had nothing to do. With logic it's, a belief

(02:46:29):
and that That. THROWS uh i see one call he's Not,
an American no american Good. Time charlie are there any
Good time charlie's? Out there or a big buttern. EGG
man i wonder if you could call a hippie who
sits down in the pad somewhere and plays the guitar
and sings folk songs a Good, time charlie because that's all,

(02:46:51):
he's after, you know a big buttern. Egg man and and,
oh yeah then there was, another one, You see and
then there was a little a little further on in the.
This cushion my father described my aunt men as a red. Hot,
cookie well now that was very difficult to to, UH
to i mean really to absorb about AN at i mean.
A cookie i read, hot cookie and OF course i

(02:47:13):
immediately could see gingerbread men all kinds of things with
raisins for eyes and, all that. You know and there
was a long involved discussion, about THAT and i never
quite got. That one there's really there, is no Honest,
to john there is no actual communication. Between generations that's.
A fact now most of you are lucky to be
in a generation you can find somebody who can communicate

(02:47:34):
the other slobs that are in. Your generation, YOU know
i think, that me along with about fifteen other guys have.
No generation THERE'S nobody i can communicate. With me is.
THE truth, i mean it's. A fact because all, the
guys all the guys who are around when, you KNOW
when i was a kid and, all that they're mad
about things that never got. Me mad it's a fact

(02:47:56):
and it's. A truth and AND so, I mean i
can't get mad about the same Things That norman mailer is.
MAD about, i should, you know the same same crew and.
All that and he doesn't get mad ABOUT things i.
Get mad. Nobody, Dies actually and by, THE way i
never said that beauty was. AN adjective i said beauty
beauty is is a noun that that refers to, a

(02:48:18):
condition does not refer to. As specific how many have
you ever had seven beauties once in your liftons? A
bag you KNOW where i can go out and buy,
nine beauties. You see so the point being that we
have made, a condition which is a noun, of course
uh into a into a. Specific thing it's like calling
a a happy nine happies or or or nine wonderfuls

(02:48:45):
or Seven, h see beauty is not essentially. A, noun
really get Into the oh it. Is not it isn't?

Speaker 6 (02:48:52):
It not it is.

Speaker 5 (02:48:53):
Getting, involved oh it is this terrible. Thing now. Of
course on the, other hand my father, goes along see
and and he, he refers he refers to My uncle
tom as a. Smooth, article Well uncle tom had more
jowls than you see this side of a. Jello mold it.
Was wild he jiggled all over. The place now it's.
A truth, i mean have you ever seen a? Jello

(02:49:13):
mold a, jello mold a Mold of THAT'S why i
can't dig. Tomata aspect it looks like a pile of.
Old jowls it was an. Awful thing do lapse you
know what? Is it a? Dou, lap well it's a.
Do lab it's a. Dou lab You've Seen. Nelson maxwell
well then you know about. Du lapse you know there's

(02:49:34):
nothing wrong with. Du lapse i'm in, a good impressive,
du lap a, human chandelier nothing but, du lapse swinging
all over. The place, you. Know Dependence And uncle tom
had these do laps all over and he was referred
to by my father as a real. Smooth article, well
again there was a long discussion as the one involved a.
Smooth article, you see it's a PROBLEM of i guess

(02:49:55):
it's a problem of basic it's, semantics. Again, Semantics now
i'm quite sure that at least nine hundred thousand kids
out there don't even Know what i'm SAYING when i
refer to a Good. Time charlie well EITHER do? I
kid i never got it straight from my. Old, Man
Actually uncle carl was a Good. Time charlie is there

(02:50:16):
a Good time charlie out?

Speaker 2 (02:50:17):
There?

Speaker 5 (02:50:17):
Listening now it gets, all confused. You know that's as
it's a matter. Of now of course there are other.
THINGS too i my father used to refer to things
occasionally as being. HUNKY dorry i never could quite understand
what he meant by things being. Hunky dorry it wouldn't
be great if some news commentated tonight came on, that

(02:50:41):
says well things are, hunky dorry that's tonight's analysis of.
The news or he comes out he says things really
look hotzi. Tatzy tonight things haven't look hunky dorry in a,
long time? HAVE they i wonder where they derived the
phrase Hunky dor, you see here's one of. The problems hold.
Them there if it's a, Good, time charlie you'll hold

(02:51:02):
on for a. Long time. You know one of the
things that got me hung up when the old man
used to say things were hunky dorry was because in
our neighborhood there were a lot of people living around
there we, call hunkies and they call. Themselves hunkies they, were,
Hungarians see and so when he said everything is, HUNKY
dorry i assumed that he was referring to a Hunky.

(02:51:23):
Named dora there was one that lived two, blocks away
and there was a long discussion, about that, you see. Hunky, Dorry,
hello hello Good. Time Charlie, Hello, charlie hello Good. Time charlie,
all right let's hear a couple of. Good time, Charlie
phrases oh that isn't a. Good, time charlie you're, Wrong

(02:51:44):
AGAIN doc a. Good time charlie never goes off a.
Good time charlie only has hot diggity. Dog times he
says things like. Hot dog and, he, said yeah a.
Good time, charlie, can honestly without batting, an eye give
a good, build out a good. Solid whoopie that's a
real Good. Time charlie, oh, no, no no you think

(02:52:06):
a Good time charlie is a guy that goops off on.
Old contrere that is not at all the, same thing not.
AT all a guy that goops off is just. A
BUM well, I am i'm looking for a Good time
charlie that can honestly holler. Whoopee wow and every so
often he's hollering hot dig of a dog when he's
dealing his p, knuckle heads you know that kind. Of
thing and he has a correene that he occasionally appears

(02:52:28):
on the Boardwalk In atlantic. City with, you see that's
that's a Good. Time charlie a corrne or a, qutie
yeah or a red hot number, you see Red. Hot mama,
that's right Good time charlie's only swing with red. Hot mamas.
You know so that that lets? You, out, okay right nice,

(02:52:49):
try right it's problem nomen, placure again speaking of Good.
Time charlie this IS W O R a M, And Fm,
new york and we won't. Be here, i'm. Sorry Madam
if i'm laughing At my i'm not laughing at my.
Own joke, YOU know. I must i must. Assure you,
you know it's interesting if you laugh at your own
joke and there's nobody else laughing, behind you, you know

(02:53:12):
LIKE like i don't. Bother it if if there's a
crowd you see and, you'll laugh nobody seems. To, object now,
for example Every time mortsaul says something, he laughs, he
does He Says john. Foster dolls nobody objects because everybody.
Else laughs BUT when, I go i'm laughing at the,
joke man, not mine but the joke a very. Different

(02:53:34):
joke there will be another chapter of the joke tomorrow
night in. The primaries. You know the joke is a.
Long ONE it's i think that man himself is the
longest shaggy dog story. IN history i. REALLY do i
think that man IS the, i repeat the longest shaggy
dog story. In history, of course you see history as

(02:53:56):
a man made. Thing too when we refer, to history
we're only referring to the history. Of men you KNOW
what i mean. By history it's only history. Of men
we do not refer to big dinosaurs of. The past,
in history there must have been dinosaurs that rose above.
Other dinosaurs there must have been giant. Dinosaur battles there
must have been all. Those things, you know there's another kind.

(02:54:17):
Of history has it occurred to you that great actions
occurred on this world that had nothing to do with men,
per se and so hence we do not even include them,
in history, like giant oh fantastic glaciers that marched across
the continent and dug Out The great lakes. For example
now that was bigger Than The civil war must.

Speaker 4 (02:54:35):
Have been what?

Speaker 5 (02:54:35):
Of? Ruckus wow digging Up The? Great lakes have you
ever thought of Digging The great lakes? Out? Yourself who
it's not? In HISTORY and i think it's a, historical event. You,
know actually, of course there you, go again gig All
Involved there no Red hot mama's out? There tonight, oh, yeah, no.
No no how about the? Smooth articles are any smooth articles? Out? There,

(02:54:57):
uh well THAT'S what, i thought, you know speak. Looking,
for oh it's making them. Smooth articles We Have general
tire with, us tonight and, oh boy that's a terrible
way to go into. A commercial We Have. General tired
if you're driving a set of, bald these which are,
SMOOTH articles i would suggest that you get yourself a
set of Brand New general jet. Air tires they're all

(02:55:18):
bumpy and they keep their bumps longer than, Other TIRES
so i think you'll find, them nice. Real good join
the hundreds of thousands of car owners that are, jet
airborne that. Means flying take advantage of the sensational special
offer from your general tire dealer that makes it possible
for you to afford premium. Quality tires got on and

(02:55:40):
and see them? All right do they still refer to
how long has it been since you've driven on?

Speaker 2 (02:55:46):
A baldy?

Speaker 5 (02:55:47):
YOU know i used to have. TIRES on i HAD
a v eight ONCE when i was, in SCHOOL a,
v EIGHT a V, eight ford and it had a
rumble seat. And everything it was a real Wild, little
ford and it was it had. About, you see those
those those cars were. Not secondhand there's no telling how
many hands. They were no the true then we know
no such thing as a second. Hand car, come, on

(02:56:08):
now some of these things had a longer family history than,
the well, let's say, THE plantagenets, i mean went down
through all kinds of generations and hands and, bar sinisters the.
Whole business, you see when you got a when you
got a car in, those days and you bought. A car,
you know you didn't get, a title you got a
genealogical family tree the toll who, had owned, you know

(02:56:32):
all these wild people in. The PAST and i had,
this CAR and i Really whenever i'm on the air
Here and i'm Talking About general jet airborne tires with
nigen cord and all, that stuff and it says you
can get up to seven to ten dollars trade in on.
Your tires my car was worth eight dollars with, The
tires that's, the truth. You KNOW and i would never

(02:56:54):
think of spending more, than say forty cents for a
tire at. The junkyard and you KNOW how i could
tell how, the TIRES how i would pick the tires,
would be HOW brightly i could see the sun through
THEM when i held them up and looked. AT it
i had a, color charge, YOU know i had a,
you know like have you ever seen one of these
uh one of these things you use to determine what

(02:57:14):
lens opening and what stops you're gonna use to take.
Pictures with and it's it works by color elimination or.
Light eliminations and you could you pick up the brightest
number all, it does, You know and THIS way i
used to. Hold up, i'd, say well this is a forty,
cent tire, you see because with that through more sun than,
my sunglasses they'll close. My EYES so i had real.

(02:57:36):
Bald these let me tell YOU that. I had i
had such baldies sometimes that you could read the manufacturer's
label of THE tubes i was using through. The tire you, could,
read yeah that's. A fact and you could see, the patches.
YOU know i used to have tubes with that would
have all these quilt, like patches about four hundred patches
around the, little, square, red, green, blue yellow all these

(02:57:58):
wild colors of the. Vulcanizing patches he used to look
like you had a calico tiger down on, the streets
and you could see the patches. Right there, i'm, sorry
madam you don't know. About this, to you, IT'S boring.
I know will you'd be surprised how you. Bore me
i'm here to. Be, SURPRISED oh i break out in,
the itches. You know speaking, OF boring i think there

(02:58:18):
was a little note that came out In h one,
more thing speaking, OF cars i have to, say this
did you read that? Wild, thing people no matter what,
they're doing think of. The trivia in, THE end i
can just see a lot of guys the day That
big adam baumb. Attack comes he's running down the street
and he's madder than than, the dickens, you see because
he forgot to get batteries for his. Transistor radio it's

(02:58:40):
the only thing that's. Bothering him a lot, of people,
you know when when we're confronted with a, giant thing
we generally settle for fist fighting it out about a
little thing that's. A fact and so here did you
read about this Guy? In? Berlin here, last week three
guys crashed one of the, crossing points, you know three
Guys From east germany that they rushed through and their

(02:59:01):
machine guns slugs. Are flying it says three young men
drove up under the Guns of american tanks to a
crossing point Today between East And, west berlin and the
shells were flying, and everything and they got on the,
other side and immediately as soon as they got on the,
other side they pushed the. Car back and the reason
they pushed the car back was the driver explained to

(02:59:23):
newsmen that he had Escaped From east germany and his
boss's car and he decided he really ought not to.

Speaker 7 (02:59:29):
KEEP it.

Speaker 5 (02:59:34):
I think that's a. Great story, you know in spite,
of everything and this happens often, during war, you know
it's really. During wartime guys will be shooting at each
other with flame throwers and in the middle of the
two guys will start fist fighting two, enemy soldiers, you
know and, one guy one guy gets highly indignant because
the other one kicked him below. The belt this is

(02:59:56):
a fact that what a rotten thing. To do and
it's it's a strange code of morality that runs through
a gigantic sea of immorality were we are always confronted with.
This thing, you know it's. The truth did you read
about these guys that were getting squirted.

Speaker 7 (03:00:13):
With with?

Speaker 5 (03:00:14):
The hoses and so it, was, FUNNY uh, i mean
it's it's, an unfunny. Funny situation they came up to
their command post and the next thing they knew were
four guys from the other side were squirting them with a.
Fire hose and these were. The community they're squirting them with. Fire,
hose well you know what a, FIRE hose, i mean
it does a lot. Of stuff it, pushes around, you
know among. Other things so the two guys immediately threw

(03:00:35):
tear gas. At, them well then the guys with the
fire hose, were treated did you hear? About it they,
Were treated, they hid and then two more guys showed
up to take, their place and the same. Thing happened
they threw. Tear gas, you know it's, it's funny and
you're trying to tell me that that guys secretly don't.

(03:00:55):
Want war obviously this was being, ad libbed and for
no other reason than then you know it. Was there that's.
All that often a war is started merely because peace,
is there just like people will climb mount evers because.
It's there peace is no good unless you have.

Speaker 6 (03:01:18):
A war.

Speaker 5 (03:01:21):
UNDERSTAND what i mean By that that health is no
good unless you've been. Sick once and, you, SAY well
i was, sick One so i'm happy to be healthy all. My,
life no you forget about. Being sick, you see you
got to be, SICK periodically a very very. Peculiar thing
speaking of being sick a Couple of i'm going to

(03:01:44):
read something to you that we read once before on
the show several times as a matter, of fact and
this is a recurrent theme today in, i'd say in
not So much, american life but Probably more american life
today than any other, single country merely because we have,
Better communications we hear about. More things you'd be surprised

(03:02:06):
that large sections of the world don't even know that
the world is in any kind of a. Bad condition
are you aware? Of that just because communications aren't good
and in many sections of, the world they are totally
unaware that the world is. In, danger again because there is,
little communication and so naturally they feel differently about the

(03:02:29):
world than. You do their attitude is. Much different on the,
other hand there are large numbers of, people who because of,
imperfect communication have a distorted idea of how bad the.
World is communications are, always imperfect and they're imperfect on.
Both sides you can feel one that the world is

(03:02:50):
not in a very bad condition when, it is and
two you can feel that the world is in a
terrible condition when it isn't in as bad a condition
as you think. It is, distortion again see distortion works. Both,
ways now what happens when people, are confronted you see with,
the insoluble very. Interesting problem are you aware of some

(03:03:12):
Of the pavlovian experiments with mice and rats, And dogs
Not only pavlovian but almost all psychologists have done various
experiments that present the, insoluble problem the problem that seems
to have, a solution but in actuality is not solvable in.
The end, Interestingly enough i've seen a couple of, these

(03:03:33):
experiments for example. With rats here's one typical example is
this that you ring, a buzzer and as soon as,
you do you have a door at the end of
the little at the end of, the box and the door.
Is yellow you ring, a buzzer the yellow, door opens
the cheese is inside of. The door the rat goes

(03:03:56):
and gets the cheese and. Is happy you ring a.
Buzzer again two, days later when, he's hungry the yellow,
Door opens he goes and gets. The cheese you do
this until he begins to assume that whenever the, buzzer
rings the yellow door will open and there will. Be,
cheese okay at, that point then you ring, the buzzer

(03:04:16):
you open. The door there's. No, cheese well the rat
will run to the, door anyway, he say he doesn't.
Know it so he goes and. He looks, he says what.
Is this he goes back and. Sits down you ring the,
Buzzer again he jumps up and runs over there. Again
nothing on the, third time you open the, red door

(03:04:38):
and inside the red door is. The cheese this time the.
Buzzer rings he runs over to the. Red door now
you do this until finally he assumes now it's going
to be in the. Red door then suddenly you switch
to the. Yellow door and then one time you do
this and there are there's no cheese in, either one
but both. Doors open he. Sits down he looks mad

(03:05:02):
after running to both. Of them then finally you do the,
ultimate thing which is the most interesting. Of all you
finally press. The button the, buzzer buzzes the, doors open
and there is no cheese in. Either one he. Sits
down then you immediately follow that with pressing. The buzzer both,
doors open and there is cheese. In both he won't.

(03:05:23):
Take either he just sits and looks because by this
time he is incapable of. A decision he can't recognize
cheese anymore when he. Sees it that's. A fact now
you Think that i'm, kidding you. It's, true unfortunately. It's

(03:05:44):
true and time and time and, time again this has.
Worked out you say it doesn't work. With people, Oh,
yeah oh don't, Kid, yourself dad that you are jumping
at a lot of cheese these days that wouldn't even
have been cheese ten years ago, to you and, vice
versa that a lot of things that are cheese you're
not jumping at merely because what has appeared to be

(03:06:07):
cheese twenty five times in the past five years has
turned out to. Be nothing so in the end you
wind up. With, immobility well so, what happens, you see
when this is done over a certain period, of time
a whole nation can become immobile because it can't tell
what's good and. Bad anymore especially when the rat turns

(03:06:29):
around and starts to excoriate himself for running to the.
Wrong door he, blames himself, you say in. The end
and it's an interesting problem because we, are all in
a sense burdened with. Two things one a sense, of guilt,
which is by, the way part and parcel of. All
men if you, know that if you know that all

(03:06:50):
men have a sense, of guilt you can use that
and turn that sense of guilt into a. POSITIVE thing
a very interesting. Problem, there however another aspect of. The
problem we will not even go into. Guilt tonight that's
in the. Next, semester however the sheer effect of cause,

(03:07:10):
and effect the sheer result of cause. And effect response
and lack of response is often the result. Of conditioning
and so you will assume a man is speaking since
merely because you have heard other men speak like this in,
the past just as the rat himself assumes that the

(03:07:33):
cheese is behind the yellow door merely because it has
been in, the past and all the aspects of cheese.
Is there the buzzer buzzed the, door open and many
a rat will even react as though the cheese. Was
there he, will salivate and he's salivating to nothing but
a sound which is a symbol, of cheese but. Not

(03:07:55):
cheese are you following? Me, here, yes sir that's. My
baby are getting into some, deep water and don't. You
see and another, thing too is that people are just
like let's. Take, music now we can go into theories
that have nothing to do with let, us say with.
Political things let's say subjective. Art, forms now you assume

(03:08:18):
that because a man writes using the octave system of writing,
eight tones and he writes in a, linear fashion which is,
to say he writes with, a tune that he is writing.
Good music or at least understandable music and. Logical music
if a man writes using, five notes which is an,

(03:08:39):
oriental scale a, pentatonic scale and uses a different system of,
melodic development which is horizontal rather, than linear you assume
he is writing insane music that is nutty. And ridiculous the,
reason being, of course you have been conditioned to one
and not to. The other and that gets quite quite,

(03:09:02):
Complicated too and so in the end you both might be,
discussing music but discussing music and in completely. Different terms
just like When the russians, say peace they are not
talking about peace the way you. Mean piece did You
Read Restin's james reston's discussion? Of peace but very interesting

(03:09:22):
the three types of definition of peace that are used
in the communist. Socialist camp the. Dynamic piece you know
what dynamic. Piece means that means the piece is a kind.
Of piece that means that as long as we can
shove you around in any way short, of war and
you will continue, to retreat that. Is peace that's. Dynamic

(03:09:45):
piece that if we gain our ends without blowing each,
other up that, is peace our ends. Being, you now. That's,
peace no that really is called peace to. Some people
on the, other hand there is what, they, call well a.
Militant piece, oh boy that's a. Loaded one militant piece

(03:10:06):
is the kind, of thing a fascinating kind of piece which,
eye witnessed by, the way in one Of the eastern
countries of forty thousand guys marching along with tin hats
and flamethrowers on, their backs carrying a big sign saying word.
For peace that's an interesting kind. Of piece then there
is the third kind, of piece which is literally, piece piece,

(03:10:26):
passive piece which is titoistic piece in. A sense he just,
you know there. It is they got a, communist country
that's the end. Of it they're not about to hit
other people on the head to create other. Communist countries
that's a different kind, of piece and that is looked
upon as aggression by many people who believe in the
other forms. Of peace so, you know, oh boy you

(03:10:48):
don't know which door is, going up the, yellow one the,
green one and the. Red one the cheese, is there
and the buzzes, are buzzing and again you just sit there,
and scratch, you, do literally and so it gets quite.
Quite involved so what happens in the end is that
the average person desires to withdraw from. At, all now

(03:11:09):
how does he withdraw from?

Speaker 6 (03:11:10):
At all.

Speaker 5 (03:11:11):
Several ways one he pretends it. Doesn't happen two he
says it's all. Highly exaggerated three he buys a Cabin.
In maine four he reads nothing but let's Say The
Saturday evening post, readers digest and he sticks pretty close
to Watching. Gun smoke so he is able to, convince himself.

(03:11:34):
You see and in a way he has philosophically built
a box, around himself a box that, is immune, you
say from attacks from, the outside philosophical. Or otherwise so
if you're Watching, gun smoke this is, perfectly safe. YOU know,
i mean who can get mad about a gunfight that

(03:11:54):
took place in eighteen seventy in a town that never
existed by two men that never were. You see so
this is a very. Interesting thing so naturally everybody. Watches
these it, is violence but. Nonviolent violence you KNOW what
i mean. By that if somebody could figure out a non,

(03:12:15):
sinful sin everyone would, want it. Let's see so that
so we like to say we don't, like violence but
we we've been able to work out a non violent.
Violence Play gun smoke is a good example. Of It

(03:12:36):
naked city is a good example. OF it a lot, of,
gunfire there a lot of people, getting shot but everyone knows,
they're actors and they're gonna get up and they're going
to walk right onto the set of the. Next show
nobody really worries. About it so it becomes, nonviolent violence
but it's still violence insid. That way so don't say

(03:12:56):
you don't like violence when you're watching, gun smoke because
as you wouldn't watch it if they. Didn't shoot even
if it's blanks against non existent characters and non existent they're.
Still shooting like a friend of mine said the, other,
day says everybody would immediately give up fishing if fish
screamed when they. Were caught somehow fish can't communicate. Very

(03:13:21):
well it's interesting how the conservationists are always against, shooting
deer but very few of them say, anything about, let's say.
Catching bluefish that deer seemed to be more human. Than
bluefish they walk around on the ground like. YOU do,
i mean you don't swim four hundred feet below the
surface like. A fish and so if fish could learn,

(03:13:44):
to scream there would be no fishermen within. Ten, minutes
now if, you, say well it's just it's the thrill
of landing. The fish WHAT if i worked out a
device that that you could cast, out there and if
you cast, well enough this device would attach yourself to
your line and would give you four times the fight of,
a bluefish and you might. Even lose you. Wouldn't, go

(03:14:07):
now you say that you're giving the fish a fifty to,
fifty chance or? Are you are you standing a chance?
To lose have you ever heard of a guy that
was pulled in by the fish and landed by? THE
bluefish i? Doubt it, you, say, no, no no he has.
No chance his only chance is, to escape but not.
To win so he does not have a fifty to,

(03:14:29):
fifty chance not. At all, in fact the cards are
weighted in. Your favor now. Follow that and this, is
coming by, the way from. A fisherman so the things
it gets quite complicated when you really, consider yourself what
you really are and what you. Really want it would

(03:14:50):
be no fun fishing unless there was something alive on
the end of that line that you. Could kill let's,
admit it it's. The, truth, okay fishermen are you going
to tell me you let them? All go you are

(03:15:11):
what kind of a. Traumatic experience you think it is
to a bluefish to get drag out of the water by,
a hook and you think you're doing him a favor
by letting. Him go what are you? Talking about i'd
say a good seventy five percent of the fish that
are let go eventually die as the result of the
shock of.

Speaker 2 (03:15:30):
Being caught.

Speaker 5 (03:15:32):
This is a, Problem Too and i'm not. Against fishing i'm,
merely saying what are? We see we started out tonight
said did you find out who?

Speaker 4 (03:15:42):
You?

Speaker 5 (03:15:42):
Are well did? You so in, the end this is.
The thing don't. Go away what a, guy does, you
see is desire when things get, too involved to literally
build a box. Around him why do you think that
more guys today are building homes in the suburbs than.
Ever before things are getting, too tough and more and

(03:16:04):
more guys are retreating to. Those boxes there is a
sense of safety as long as the lawn is out
there and the shutters are. Around you it may, be
false but there is a sense. Of this as a matter,
of fact most bombshellters are only that they're. Like placebos, you,

(03:16:26):
see uh you know what? Is it? A? Placebo, well
well here here's here's a very significant little thing of
our time. One day do you know anything about the
laws of probability? Of suicide, All right i'll tell you something.
About that WHY do i know about? THIS trivia i.
DON'T know i Guess because i'm interested. In life and

(03:16:47):
if you're interested, in life by, the way you become interested,
in death which is a a another facet. Of life
don't think it isn't so you're you're fascinated by all these. Various,
things now on the on the hand of on the side,
of probability do you know that an insurance adjuster can

(03:17:08):
look at a victim of a disaster and can tell
almost with absolute certainty whether he committed suicide. Or not
because there are ways of. Committing suicide, people take, for
example it is almost one of the rarest of all
suicides is to leap from a. Moving vehicle that's a.
Rare suicide are you aware? Of that to do it to? Kill,

(03:17:31):
yourself however to leap from a window is. Another thing
that's one of. The commonists to leap from a. Stationary.
Object interesting so here here is a note probably of
one of the rarest of all types of suicide that
just came IN and i think. It's significant listen of
our time probably would never have. BEEN conceived a thousand, Years,

(03:17:53):
Ago Syracuse, new york a man whose body was found
in an elaborately built plywood box in a hayfield apparently
committed suicide by sealing himself in. The box all they
found in the box was a flashlight somehow within. The

(03:18:20):
box yet he had to. Have light that's an. Intriguing
story he committed suicide by sealing himself in? A, BOX
yes i waited till a large woman with the awful

(03:18:40):
hat took up her sack of groceries and, went out
peering at the tomatoes and lettuce on. Her way the
clerk asked me what. Mine was if you got, A box,
i asked a. LARGE box i want a box to.
Hide in you want, a box, HE asked i want

(03:19:01):
a box to. HIDE in, i said what do? You mean,
he said you mean a. BIG box, I said i
meant a big box big enough to. HOLD me i
haven't got, any boxes, he said only cartons that cans.
COME in i tried several other groceries and none of
them had a box big enough for me to. Hide

(03:19:21):
in there was nothing for it but to face. LIFE
out i didn't, feel Strong and i'd had this overpowering
desire to hide in a box for a. Long time
what do you mean you want to hide in, this
box one grocer. Asked me it's a form. OF escape i,

(03:19:42):
told him hiding in. A box it circumscribes your worries
and the range of. Your anguish you don't see. People
either how the hell do you eat when you're in,
the box asked. The grocer how the hell do you
get anything? TO eat i SAID that i had never
been in, a BOX and i Did no but that
would take care of, itself well, He, SAID finally i

(03:20:05):
haven't got, any boxes only some pasteboard cartons that cans. Come, in,
sorry buddy it was the same. EVERY place i gave
up when it got dark and the, groceries closed and
hid in my. ROOM again i turned out the light
and lay on. The bed you feel better when it.
GETS dark i could have hidden, THE closet, i suppose

(03:20:27):
but people are always. Opening doors somebody would find you in.
A closet they would. Be startled you'd have to tell
them why you were in. The closet nobody pays any
attention to a big box lying on. The floor you
could stay in it for days and nobody'd think to look,
in it not even not even the. Cleaning woman my
cleaning woman came the next morning and woke. ME up

(03:20:50):
i was still. FEELING bad i asked her if she
KNEW where i could get a. Large box how big
a box? You want, SHE said i want a box
big enough for me to get, INSIDE of. I said
she looked at me with big dmiyes there's something wrong with.
Her glands, she's awful but she has a, big heart

(03:21:11):
which makes. It worse. She's unbearable her husband, is sick
and her children, are sick and she is. SICK too
i got to thinking how pleasant it would BE if
i were in a box now and didn't have to.
SEE her i would be in a box right there in,
the room and she. WOULDN'T know, i wondered if you
have a desire to bark or laugh when someone who
doesn't know walks by the box, you're in maybe she

(03:21:31):
would have a spell with her HEART if i, did
that and would die. Right there the officers and the
elevator man And mister grammage would find. Us Funny dog
gone thing happened at the building, last night the doorman
would say to, HIS wife i let this woman up
to clean ten f and she never. Come out see
she's never been in there, morning hour but she never. Come.
Out see SO when i got time for me to go, off,

(03:21:52):
THIRTY why i Says, to crenik who was on, THE elevator,
i said what the hell do you suppose happened to
the woman cleans. Ten f he says he, didn't know
as you never seen her after he took. Her UP
so i spoke To mister grammage. About it i'm sorry to,
bother You, MISTER grammage, i says there is something funny
about that woman CLEANS. Ten F so i told him
so he said we'd better have, a look and we
all three goes up and knocks on the door and

(03:22:14):
rings the bell sy and. Nobody answers so he said
we'd have to. Walk In so krenick opened the door
and we walked in and here was this woman cleans,
your primate dead as a herring on, the floor and
the gentleman that lives there was in. A box the
cleaning woman kept looking. At me it was hard to
realize she. Wasn't dead it's a form. OF escape, i

(03:22:36):
murmured what'd? You say, She, asked dully you don't know
any large, packing boxes? DO you, i Asked, H no.
I don't, SHE said i haven't found. One YET but
i still have this overpowering urge to hide in. A

(03:22:57):
box maybe it'll, go Away maybe i'll be, All right
maybe it'll. Get worse it's hard. To say that was
One of america's Outstanding Humorous james thurber a real bof

(03:23:24):
and by, the way the box principle Is. Also, assi
well that's It for airchecks.

Speaker 1 (03:23:28):
This week we will Have More gene shepherd. NEXT week
i can't always tell how long each episode is going,
to be but we keep on doing this until we
hit the last episode in nineteen. Seventy seven airchecks is
normally a three hour podcast uploaded weekly and can be
Heard every sunday on THE K ti. Radio network see
you at the same time and.

Speaker 5 (03:23:47):
Same channel

All Episodes

Episode 113, March 1, 2025 - Jean Shepherd Marathon, Part 7

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Fudd Around And Find Out

Crime Junkie

The Breakfast Club

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode 113, March 1, 2025 - Jean Shepherd Marathon, Part 7