Pig and Pepper

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter six of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Chapter six
Pig and Pepper. For a minute or two she stood
looking at the house and wondering what to do next,
when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of

(00:21):
the wood. She considered him to be a footman because
he was in livery, Otherwise, judging by his face only,
she would have called him a fish, and rapped loudly
at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by
another footman in livery, with a round face and large
eyes like a frog, and both footmen, Alice noticed, had

(00:44):
powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt
very curious to know what it was all about, and
crept a little way out of the wood to listen.
The fish footman began by producing from under his arm
a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this
he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone,

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for the Duchess an invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
The frog footman repeated in the same solemn tone, only
changing the order of the words a little from the
queen an invitation for the duchess to play croquet. Then
they both bowed low and their curls got entangled together.

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Alice laughed so much at this that she had to
run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her.
And when she next peeped out, the fish footman was gone,
and the other was sitting on the ground near the door,
staring stupidly up into the sky. Alice went timidly up
to the door and knocked. There's no sort of use

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in knocking, said the footman, and that for two reasons.
First because I'm on the same side of the door
as you are. Secondly, because they're making such a noise
inside no one could possibly hear you. And certainly there
was a most extraordinary noise going on within, a constant
howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash,

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as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces. Please, then,
said Alice, how am I to get in? There might
be some sense in your knocking, The footman went on
without attending to her. If we had the door between us,
for instance, if you were inside, you might knock and

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I could let you out. You know he was looking
up into the sky all the time he was speaking,
and this, Alice thought decidedly uncivil. But perhaps he can't
help it, she said to herself, his eyes are so
very nearly at the top of his head. But at
any rate he might answer questions. How am I to
get in? She repeated aloud. I shall sit here, the

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footman remarked, till tomorrow. At this moment, the door of
the house opened and a large plate came skimming out
straight at the footman's head. It just grazed his nose
and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him,
or next day maybe, The footman continued in the same tone,

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exactly as if nothing had happened. How am I to
get in? Asked Alice again, in a louder tone. Are
you to get in at all? Said the footman, that's
the first question, you know, It was no doubt. Only
Alice did not like to be told. So it's really dreadful,

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she muttered to herself, the way all the creatures argue.
It's enough to drive one crazy. The footman seemed to
think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark with variations,
I shall sit here, he said, on and off for
days and days. But what am I to do, said Alice.

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Anything you like, said the footman, and began whistling. Oh
there's no use in talking to him, said Alice desperately.
He's perfectly idiotic, And she opened the door and went in.
The door led right into a large kitchen, which was
full of smoke from one end to the other. The
Duchess was sitting on a three legged stool in the middle,

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nursing a baby. The cook was leaning over the fire,
stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.
There's certainly too much pepper in that soup, Alice said
to herself, as well as she could for sneezing, there
was certainly too much of it in the air. Even
the Duchess sneezed occasionally, and as for the baby, it

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was sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The
only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze were
the cook and a large cat, which was sitting on
the hearth and grinning from ear to ear. Please, would
you tell me, said Alice a little timidly, for she
was not quite sure whether it was good manners for

(05:07):
her to speak. First, Why your cat grins like that?
It's a cheshire cat, said the Duchess, and that's why pig.
She said the last word with such sudden violence that
Alice quite jumped, But she saw in another moment that
it was addressed to the baby and not to her,

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so she took courage and went on again. I didn't
know that cheshire cat's always grinned. In fact, I didn't
know that cats could grin. They all can, said the Duchess,
and most of em do. I don't know of any
that do, Alice said, very politely, feeling quite pleased to

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have got into a conversation. You don't know much, said
the Duchess, and that's a fact. Alice did not at
all like the tone of this remark, and thought it
would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation.
While she was trying to fix on one, the cook
took the cauldron of soup off the fire and at

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once set to work throwing everything within her reach at
the Duchess and the baby. The fire irons came first,
then followed a shower of sauce, pans, plates and dishes.
The duchess took no notice of them even when they
hit her, and the baby was howling so much already
that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows
hurt it or not. Oh please, mind what you're doing,

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cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of terror.
Oh there goes his precious nose, as an unusually large
saucepan flew close by it and very nearly carried it off.
If everybody minded their own business, the duchess said, in
a hoarse growl, the world would go round a deal

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faster than it does, which would not be an advantage,
said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity
of showing off a little of her knowledge. Just think
of what work it would make with the day and night.
You see, the earth takes twenty four hours to turn
round on its axis. Talking of axes, said the duchess,

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chop off her head. Alice glanced rather anxiously at the
cook to see if she meant to take the hint,
But the cook was busy stirring the soup and seemed
not to be listening, so she went on again. Twenty
four hours, I think, or is it twelve. I oh,
don't bother me, said the Duchess. I never could abide figures,

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And with that she began nursing her child again, singing
a sort of lullaby to it as she did so,
and giving it a violent shake at the end of
every line. Speak roughly to your little boy, and beat
him when he sneezes. He only does it to annoy
because he knows it teases, chorus, in which the cook

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and the baby joined Wow Wow Wow. While the Duchess
sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing
the baby violently up and down, and the poor little
thing howled so that Alice could hardly hear the words,
I speak severely to my boy. I beat him when
he sneezes, for he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper when

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he pleases. Chorus Wow wow Wow. Here you may nurse
it a bit if you like, The Duchess said to Alice,
flinging the baby at her as she spoke, I must
go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen,
and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw
a frying pan after her as she went out, but

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it just missed her. Alice caught the baby with some difficulty,
as it was a queer shaped little creature and held
out its arms and legs in all directions, just like
a starfish, thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting
like a steam engine when she caught it, and kept
doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that

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altogether for the first minute or two, it was as
much as she could do to hold it. As soon
as she had made out the proper way of nursing it,
which was to twist it up into a sort of knot,
and then keep tight hold of its right ear and
left foot so as to prevent its undoing itself, she
carried it out into the open air. If I don't

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take this child away with me, thought Alice, they're sure
to kill it in a day or two. Wouldn't it
be murder to leave it behind? She said the last
words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply.
It had left off sneezing by this time. Don't grunt,
said Alice. That's not at all a proper way of
expressing yourself. The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very

(09:50):
anxiously into its face. To see what was the matter
with it. There could be no doubt that it had
a very turned up nose, much more like a snout
than a real nose. Also, its eyes were getting extremely
small for a baby. Altogether, Alice did not like the
look of the thing at all, But perhaps it was
only sobbing, she thought, and looked into its eyes again

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to see if there were any tears. No, there were
no tears. If you're going to turn into a pig,
my dear, said Alice, seriously, I'll have nothing more to
do with you. Mind now. The poor little thing sobbed
again or grunted, it was impossible to say which, and
they went on for some while in silence. Alice was

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just beginning to think to herself, now what am I
to do with this creature when I get at home?
When it grunted again so violently that she looked down
into its face in some alarm. This time there could
be no mistake about it. It was neither more nor
less than a pig, and she felt that it would
be quite absurd for her to carry it further. So

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she said the little creature down, and felt quite relieved
to see it trot away quietly into the wood. If
it had grown up, she said to herself, it would
have made a dreadfully ugly child. But it makes rather
a handsome pig, I think. And she began thinking over
other children she knew who might do very well as pigs,

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and was just saying to herself, if one only knew
the right way to change them. When she was a
little startled by seeing the Cheshire cat sitting on a
bough of a tree a few yards off. The cat
only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good natured,
she thought. Still, it had very long claws and a
great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to

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be treated with respect. Cheshier Puss, she began rather timidly,
as she did not at all know whether it would
like the name. However, it only grinned a little wider.
Come it's pleased so far, thought Alice, And she went on,
can you tell me please which way I ought to
go from here? That depends a good deal on where

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you want to get to, said the cat. I don't
much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't matter which
way you go, said the cat, so long as I
get somewhere, Alice added, as an explanation. Oh, you are
sure to do that, said the cat, if you only
walk long enough. Alice felt that this could not be denied,

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so she tried another question. What sort of people live
about here? In that direction, the cat said, waving its
right paw round lives a hatter, and in that direction,
waving the other paw, lives a march hare. Visit either
you like? They're both mad. But I don't want to

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go among mad people. Alice remarked, Oh, you can't help that,
said the cat. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
How do you know I'm mad? Said Alice. You must be,
said the cat, or you wouldn't have come here. Alice
didn't think that proved it at all. However, she went on,

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and how do you know that you're mad? To begin with?
Said the cat. A dog's not mad. You grant that,
I suppose so, said Alice. Well, then the cat went on,
You see a dog growls when it's angry and wags
its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm

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pleased and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.
I call it purring, not growling, said Alice. Call it
what you like, said the cat. Do you play croquet
with the Queen to day? I should like it very much,
said Alice. But I haven't been invited yet. You'll see

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me there, said the cat, and vanished. Alice was not
much surprised at this, she was getting so used to
queer things happening. While she was looking at the place
where it had been, it suddenly appeared again by the bye.
What became of the baby? Said the cat. I'd nearly
forgotten to ask. It turned into a pig, Alice quietly said,

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just as if it had come back in a natural way.
I thought it would, said the cat, and vanished again.
Alice waited a little half expecting to see it again,
but it did not appear, and after a minute or
two she walked on in the direction in which the
March Hare was said to live. I've seen hatters before,

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she said to herself. The march Hare will be much
the most interesting. And perhaps, as this is May, it
won't be raving mad, at least not so mad as
it was in March. As she said this, she looked
up and there was the cat again, on a branch
of a tree. Did you say, pig or fig? Said

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the cat, I said pig, replied Alice. And I wish
you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly you make
one quite giddy, all right, said the cat, And this
time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of
the tail and ending with the grin, which remained some
time after the rest of it had gone. Well. I've

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often seen a cat without a grin, thought Alice. But
a grin without a cat, It's the most curious thing
I ever saw in my life. She had not gone
much farther before she came in sight of the house
of the march Hare. She thought it must be the
right house because the chimneys were shaped like ears and
the roof was thatched with fur. It was so large

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a house that she did not like to go nearer
till she had nibbled some more of the left hand
bit of the mushroom and raised herself to about two
feet high. Even then, she walked up towards it rather timidly,
saying to herself, suppose it should be raving mad. After all,
I almost wish I had gone to see the hatter instead.

(16:14):
End of chapter six read by Kara Shallenberg, March two, thousand,
ten in San Diego, California,