The Queen's Croquet-Ground

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Chapter eight of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Chapter eight,
The Queen's croquet ground. A large rose tree stood near
the entrance of the garden. The roses growing on it
were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily
painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing,

(00:24):
and she went nearer to watch them. And just as
she came up to them, she heard one of them say,
look out, now, Five, don't go splashing paint over me
like that. I couldn't help it, said five, in a
sulky tone. Seven jogged my elbow, on which seven looked
up and said, that's right. Five. Always lay the blame

(00:45):
on others. You'd better not talk, said five. I heard
the queen say only yesterday, you deserve to be beheaded? What? Four?
Said the one who had spoken first. That's none of
your business, too, said seven. Yes, it is his business,
said five, and I'll tell him it was for bringing
the cooked tulip roots instead of onions. Seven flung down

(01:09):
his brush and had just begun well of all the
unjust things, when his eye chanced to fall upon Alice
as she stood watching them, and he checked himself. Suddenly
the others looked round also, and all of them bowed low.
Would you tell me, said Alice, a little timidly, why
you are painting those roses? Five and seven said nothing,

(01:33):
but looked at two. Two began in a low voice.
Why the fact is, you see, miss, this here ought
to have been a red rose tree, and we put
a white one in by mistake, And if the Queen
was to find it out, we should all have our
heads cut off, you know. So you see, miss, we're
doing our best. Afore she comes too. At this moment, five,

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who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called out
the Queen. The queen and the three gardeners instantly threw
themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound of
many footsteps, and Alice looked round, eager to see the queen.
First came ten soldiers carrying clubs. These were all shaped
like the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands

(02:17):
and feet at the corners. Next the ten courtiers. These
were ornamented all over with diamonds, and walked two and
two as the soldiers did. After these came the royal children.
There were ten of them, and the little deers came
jumping merrily along hand in hand in couples. They were
all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly kings

(02:41):
and queens, and among them Alice recognized the white rabbit.
It was talking in a hurried, nervous manner, smiling at
everything that was said, and went by without noticing her.
Then followed the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown
on a crimson velvet cushion. And last of all this
grand pro session came the King and Queen of Hearts.

(03:04):
Alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie
down on her face like the three gardeners, but she
could not remember ever having heard of such a rule
at processions, And besides, what would be the use of
a procession, thought she if people had all to lie
down upon their faces so that they couldn't see it.
So she stood still where she was and waited. When

(03:27):
the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and
looked at her, and the Queen said severely, who is this?
She said it to the Knave of Hearts, who only
bowed and smiled in reply. Idiot, said the Queen, tossing
her head impatiently, and turning to Alice, she went on,

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what's your name, child? My name is Alice, so please
your majesty, said Alice very politely, But she added to herself,
why they're only a pack of cards, after all, I
needn't be afraid of them. And who are these? Said
the queen, pointing to the three gardeners who were lying
round the rose tree. For you see, as they were

(04:10):
lying on their faces and the pattern on their backs
was the same as the rest of the pack, she
could not tell whether they were gardeners, or soldiers, or courtiers,
or three of her own children. How should I know,
said Alice, surprised at her own courage. It's no business
of mine. The queen turned crimson with fury, and, after

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glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast,
screamed off with her head off. Nonsense, said Alice, very
loudly and decidedly, and the queen was silent. The King
laid his hand upon her arm and timidly said, consider,
my dear, she is only a child. The queen turned

(04:52):
angrily away from him and said to the knave, turn
them over. The knave did so very carefully with one foot.
Get up, said the Queen in a shrill, loud voice,
and the three gardeners instantly jumped up and began bowing
to the King, the Queen, the royal children and everybody else.
Leave off that, screamed the Queen. You make me giddy,

(05:15):
and then turning to the rose tree, she went on,
what have you been doing here? May it please your majesty?
Said two in a very humble tone, going down on
one knee as he spoke. We were trying, I see,
said the Queen, who had meanwhile been examining the roses,
off with their heads, and the procession moved on. Three

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of the soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners,
who ran to Alice for protection. You shan't be beheaded,
said Alice, and she put them into a large flower
pot that stood near The three soldiers wandered about for
a minute or two looking for them, and then quietly
marched off. After the others are their heads off, shouted

(06:01):
the Queen. Their heads are gone, If it please your majesty.
The soldiers shouted in reply. That's right, shouted the Queen,
can you play croquet? The soldiers were silent and looked
at Alice as the question was evidently meant for her. Yes,
shouted Alice. Come on, then roared the queen, and Alice

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joined the procession, wondering very much what would happen next.
It's it's a very fine eh, said a timid voice
at her side. She was walking by the white rabbit,
who was peeping anxiously into her face. Very said Alice,
where's the duchess? Hush, hush, said the rabbit in a low,

(06:45):
hurried tone. He looked anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke,
and then raised himself upon tiptoe, put his mouth close
to her ear, and whispered, She's under sentence of execution.
What for? Said Alice? Did you say what a pity?
The rabbit asked, No, I didn't, said Alice. I don't
think it's at all a pity. I said, what for?

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She boxed the Queen's ears. The rabbit began. Alice gave
a little scream of laughter. Oh hush, the rabbit whispered
in a frightened tone. The queen will hear you. You see,
she came rather late, and the queen said, get to
your places, shouted the queen in a voice of thunder,
and people began running about in all directions, tumbling up

(07:30):
against each other. However, they got settled down in a
minute or two, and the game began. Alice thought she
had never seen such a curious croquet ground in her life.
It was all ridges and furrows. The balls were live hedgehogs,
the mallets live flamingoes, and the soldiers had to double
themselves up and to stand on their hands and feet

(07:52):
to make the arches. The chief difficulty Alice found at
first was in managing her flamingo, she said, seated in
getting its body tucked away comfortably enough under her arm,
with its legs hanging down, but generally, just as she
had got its neck nicely straightened out and was going
to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it

(08:13):
would twist itself round and look up into her face
with such a puzzled expression that she could not help
bursting out laughing. And when she had got its head
down and was going to begin again, it was very
provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself and
was in the act of crawling away. Besides all this,
there was generally a ridge or a furrow in the

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way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog too, and
as the doubled up soldiers were always getting up and
walking off to other parts of the ground, Alice soon
came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game. Indeed,
the players all played at once without waiting for turns,
quarreling all the while and fighting for the hedgehogs, And

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in a very short time the queen was in a
furious passion and went stamping about and shouting off with
his head or off with her head about once a minute.
Alice began to feel very uneasy. To be sure, she
had not as yet had any dispute with the queen,
but she knew that it might happen any minute, and

(09:18):
then thought she what would become of me? They're dreadfully
fond of beheading people here. The great wonder is that
there's any one left alive. She was looking about for
some way of escape and wondering whether she could get
away without being seen, when she noticed a curious appearance
in the air. It puzzled her very much at first,

(09:39):
but after watching it a minute or two, she made
it out to be a grin, and she said to herself,
it's the Cheshire cat. Now I shall have somebody to
talk to. How are you getting on? Said the cat,
as soon as there was mouth enough for it to
speak with. Alice waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded.

(10:00):
It's no use speaking to it, she thought, till its
ears have come, or at least one of them. In
another minute, the whole head appeared, and then Alice put
down her flamingo and began an account of the game,
feeling very glad she had some one to listen to her.
The cat seemed to think that there was enough of
it now in sight, and no more of it appeared.

(10:23):
I don't think they play at all fairly, Alice began,
in rather a complaining tone. And they all quarrel so dreadfully.
One can't hear one's self speak. And they don't seem
to have any rules in particular, at least if there are,
nobody attends to them. And you've no idea how confusing
it is all the things being alive. For instance, there's

(10:44):
the arch I've got to go through next. Walking about
at the other end of the ground, and I should
have croqueted the queen's hedgehog just now, only it ran
away when it saw mine coming. How do you like
the queen, said the cat in a low voice. Not
at at all, said Alice. She's so extremely Just then

(11:05):
she noticed that the Queen was close behind her, listening,
so she went on likely to win, that it's hardly
worth while finishing the game. The queen smiled and passed on.
Who are you talking to, said the king, going up
to Alice and looking at the cat's head with great curiosity.

(11:25):
It's a friend of mine, a cheshire cat, said Alice.
Allow me to introduce it. I don't like the look
of it at all, said the king. However, it may
kiss my hand if it likes I'd rather not. The
cat remarked. Don't be impertinent, said the king, and don't
look at me like that. He got behind Alice as

(11:45):
he spoke. A cat may look at a king, said Alice.
I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where. Well,
it must be removed, said the king very decidedly, and
he called the queen, who was passing at the moment,
my dear, I wish you would have this cat removed.
The queen had only one way of settling all difficulties

(12:08):
great or small. Off with his head, she said, without
even looking round. I'll fetch the executioner myself, said the
king eagerly, and he hurried off. Alice thought she might
as well go back and see how the game was
going on, as she heard the queen's voice in the distance,
screaming with passion. She had already heard her sentence three

(12:29):
of the players to be executed for having missed their turns,
and she did not like the look of things at all,
as the game was in such confusion that she never
knew whether it was her turn or not, so she
went in search of her hedgehog. The hedgehog was engaged
in a fight with another hedgehog, which seemed to Alice
an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other.

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The only difficulty was that her flamingo was gone across
to the other side of the garden, where Alice could
see it trying in a helpless sort of way to
flop into a tree. By the time she had caught
the flamingo and brought it back, the fight was over,
and both the hedgehogs were out of sight. But it
doesn't matter much, thought Alice, as all the arches are

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gone from this side of the ground. So she tucked
it away under her arm that it might not escape again,
and went back for a little more conversation with her friend.
When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was
surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it.
There was a dispute going on between the executioner, the King,
and the Queen, who were all talking at once, while

(13:36):
all the rest were quite silent and looked very uncomfortable.
The moment Alice appeared, she was appealed to by all
three to settle the question, and they repeated their arguments
to her, though as they all spoke at once, she
found it very hard indeed, to make out exactly what
they said. The executioner's argument was that you couldn't cut

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off a head unless there was a body to cut
it off from, that he had never had to do
such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin
at his time of life. The King's argument was that
anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that
you weren't to talk nonsense. The Queen's argument was that

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if something wasn't done about it in less than no time,
she'd have everybody executed all round. It was this last
remark that had made the whole party look so grave
and anxious. Alice could think of nothing else to say.
But it belongs to the Duchess. You'd better ask her
about it. She's in prison, the queen said to the executioner,

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fetch her here, and the executioner went off like an arrow.
The cat's head began fading away the moment he was gone,
and by the time he had come back with the Duchess,
it had entirely disappeared. So the king and the executioner
ran wildly up and down looking for it, while the

(15:00):
the rest of the party went back to the game.
End of chapter eight read by Kara Shallenberg March two
thousand ten in San Diego, California,