October 30, 2024 • 46 mins
In this episode of Aligned & Magnetic, Lauren interviews Candice Toone, a former marriage and family therapist turned life coach and founder of the Defying Gravity Revolution. Candice helps women overcome relationship doubts and transform their marriages. We dive DEEP into how spiritual entrepreneurs, coaches, and healers can create confident companionship by making empowered choices, fostering open communication, and recognizing their inner power.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- How to stop wondering if you married the wrong guy and start enjoying the marriage you envisioned.
- The importance of making confident decisions in your relationship and stepping into your personal power.
- How spiritual business owners, coaches, and healers can maintain a thriving relationship while managing a busy life.
- Why clear, honest communication is crucial for any relationship and how to stop making assumptions about your partner.
- Practical tools for aligning your marriage with your values, whether you're staying in or moving on.
- Tips for navigating money conversations and balancing finances in a relationship.
- Download Candice’s free course and book, Wife on Purpose: https://candicetoone.com/
- Instagram: https://instagram.com/candicetoonecoaching
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The point of life is to grow and evolve, and
sometimes that aligns, and sometimes it aligns for a time
and then doesn't anymore, and none of it has to
be like a failure.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Welcome to the Aligned and Magnetic Podcast. I'm your host,
Laura Ashley, Intuitive business coach, certified by the International Coaching Federation,
and they call me the Money, Mindset and Manifestation Queen.
I take a spiritual and practical approach that's backed by
neuroscience to help you make your vision a reality, but
(00:37):
more importantly, doing it in a way that lights you
the fuck up. If you're ready to create an aligned,
magnetic and profitable business so you can live a life
and do the work you are absolutely in love with,
you're in the right place. Get ready to hear the
powerful questions and raw lessons that you need to create
success your way. Thank you so much for being here.
(01:00):
Let's dive in, Hi, Hi Loves. Welcome back to another
episode of the Aligned Magnetic Podcast. Today we have a guest, Candace,
who is a former marriage and family therapist turned Master
certified life coach and the founder of the Defining Gravity Revolution.
Her mission is to help women stop wondering if they
married the wrong guy and start enjoying the marriage they
(01:24):
imagined when they said I do. She's a podcaster, author,
connoisseur of grapefruit juice, Oh my god, I love grapefruit juice,
and a jazzer size enthusiast. I took jazz a large
majority of my childhood upbringing. I don't think I was
very good.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
At It doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
It's just for fun exactly. So. She lives in Utah
with her husband, three children, and their dog. Thank you
for being here.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Candace, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
How do you see your last name? By the way,
is it tone or tune?
Speaker 3 (01:54):
It's tune tune.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Okay, that makes sense given the Oh but you never
know these you never know. So we connected in Tavana's network.
The coach is collective, and I just really loved your energy,
And once we actually got onto a connection call and
started chatting, I was like, oh my god, I feel
like my listeners could totally benefit from what you talk
(02:18):
about and your experience and all of that stuff, because
how many entrepreneurs are just humans in general, are in
a relationship and struggling.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
I'm wondering what am I doing here?
Speaker 2 (02:34):
And it's so fascinating because at the time we connected,
I told you a little bit about my marriage and
how I laughed and all of that stuff, and so
I don't know. Maybe this episode will give people an
opportunity to shift their relationship if that's what they want,
or the courage to leave if that's what they want
(02:54):
as well.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
I always like to talk about it's shifting a relationship,
by the way, So we shift either with the person
we're with right now, or we shift to a person
that fits better, which likely means our ex partner also
shifts to someone that fits better. Like to frame it
as a win for everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, because there's no use in staying and forcing something
to work. And sometimes we outgrowth the partnerships that we're in.
What do you think about that. What's something that you
help your clients with when it comes to growth.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
I think everybody has the option and two people have
unique autonomy in relationships. And it's not that we always
leave someone behind. It's they didn't want to go that way,
but I did. And so it's just we have freedom
to choose always, and if the person we chose ten
years ago wants to still keep choosing similar paths, amazing
(03:52):
and if not, still could be amazing for us to
choose whatever serves us well. And so I don't like
people come to me and say, oh, I just feel
so guilty I should have to stay or we don't
have to do any of that, because the point of
life is to grow and evolve, and sometimes that aligns,
and sometimes it aligns for a time and then doesn't anymore,
(04:15):
and none of it has to be like a failure.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
I love that because actually I think the one of
the biggest reasons I didn't end my relationship sooner is
because I felt this need to prove that I could
make it work. And in retrospect, I don't want to
say like I wish, because I don't really regret it,
because it all unfolded the way that it needed to
and I had lessons to learn. But I think that
(04:42):
definitely taking the shame out of whatever you decide to
do is a really big helpful tool.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yes, we are all passed down or across rules from
like our grandma, or like our neighbor or someone that
were like, oh, the measure of success was extended to
me by these cultural norms, or by these societal rules,
or by my own family's opinions and if we're going
to adopt them, which a lot of times we do
(05:14):
adopt them and like them and they work well for us.
But if we adopt one that doesn't work well for us,
that's just good for us to.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Be aware of.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
And it may serve me and our kids if we
have them, and our partner if we just let ourselves
blossom in the way that feels most aligned to us.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
And the other thing too, just to add on to
that is, in my circumstance, I came from divorce parents
and family members like divorce parents, divorce grandparents. Pretty much
everyone except for my dad's parents were divorced. But I
always heard the judgment, Yeah, for sure, right from my
family members. It'd be like, oh, he's divorced again. So
(05:54):
it is interesting when you do look at where those
beliefs come from. And it's just helpful to be aware
of our thinking patterns.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
And aware of what we're trying to prove.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Right, yes, what exactly do we prove by staying longer?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Absolutely the pain.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Tolerance that we're trying to prove. What exactly are we
proving here? Just to make sure it's an award that
we want to win which I don't know if we
always are, if we just stay for reasons outside of us.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Absolutely, so I'm really curious before diving in. If you
don't mind me asking what made you go from a
marriage and family therapist to life coaching?
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah, totally, I don't mind you asking at all. There's
a couple of reasons. One, therapy tends to be and
everyone listening hear me say it's a sweeping generalization, so
it's not always the case, but tends to be a
disease model, meaning we have to find a diagnosis and
treat it like an illness, which I think, especially in relationships,
that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just we're having trouble,
(06:57):
but both of us are healthy. I didn't like myself
being view as a patient with a problem. It's just
like this is just a skill I haven't developed yet.
I liked that vibe a little bit better. Although I
do one hundred percent believe that there's a place for therapy,
my personal thing was I didn't want the client to
be like something's wrong with them. I wanted it to
be like we're just figuring it out together. So that
(07:18):
was one reason. And then secondly there's just so much
more freedom in coaching than there is in therapy. Therapy
is often held down by insurance policies or state guidelines,
and those things are in place for a reason, to
provide safety, of course, and as they provide safety, they
also provide limits, and I just didn't want to have any.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
That's a really great excuse I find. Even though I'm
certified with the International Coaching Federation, there is still opportunity
to just use different tools and techniques to help support
our clients in the best way possible, because it's not
always one tool that's going to get them where they
need to be.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And I think coaching also allows and therapy does. Again
there's lots of blurred lines and movement, but coaching allows
for internal governance by your own ethics, which I think
is such a useful muscle to develop for everyone. What
do I genuinely feel good about offering as a service
and when can I ethically refer It's just really good
(08:17):
questions for everyone to answer for themselves.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Yeah, absolutely, I love that. So many things that we
could go into around that too, But something that really
stands out for me in your biodescription is that you
help women stop wondering if they married the wrong guy
and start enjoying the marriage they imagined when they said
I do. Can you tell us more about this?
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Yes, because the wondering is such a waste of energy
and such a pain point. And a lot of times
wandering comes because we're afraid of making a decision. We're
afraid of making the decision to forgive and stay. We're
afraid of making the decision to accept that he always
leaves us from the floor some version of that. We're
(09:02):
just afraid to be like, yes, I choose this, and
we're also afraid to be like, I don't choose this,
and so we stay in wondering land, which just stagnates.
I don't care if women choose to say or go.
I think that they are the best person to know that.
But what I do want is for them to connect
with their own power to make decisions. So that's why
(09:23):
the wondering is something that we want to be like, oh,
notice I'm choosing to wonder instead of choosing to honor
the life that I really want and discover what that is.
Because I think every woman deserves, every person deserves to
find out what that is and go for it if
they want to.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
I love that what comes up for me is really
being confident in your decision instead of waffling. I've observed
that a lot of people will spend a lot of
time wasting energy wondering should I make this decision?
Speaker 1 (09:50):
It doesn't get you anywhere. The only place it does
get you is a disconnection with yourself, which doesn't serve
you in any capacity of your life.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Because then you end up questioning your decision, and questioning
your decisions just leads to downward spiral.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Yeah, and then it leads you to defer to other people,
which is such a problem because then you end up
being in relationships that you may or may not like
because you're like, I guess that person's in charge of
what I want. And I just think that the more
we strengthen our connection to I'm allowed to want what
I want. I don't necessarily have to take action on it,
(10:29):
but I at least want to know what I want.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I love that what would you say is like the
biggest thing that you maybe spend time on your clients
with when it comes to turning off the wondering and
stepping into their power.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah, So I like to teach all my clients that
they can create safety regardless of what he's doing. And
of course with the caveat, like if he's being abusive,
that's a separate conversation, but like in general, like he's
annoying some sort of things, like you can create your
own experience regardless of what he's doing, and your experience
might be I'm just going to turn off and give
(11:09):
him that back. Your experience might be, I'm going to
advocate for that to be different. I'm going to make
it funny. There's so many choices you have, and so
what I always love to spend time on is looking
for the place where she believes she doesn't have any
options and finding them because they are always there.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
I love that. And how do you like start looking
for those options?
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Yeah, so we take whatever he's done. I don't know,
something he did that was annoying, and we are always like,
let's zoom in on this last time that he specifically
did that, because then the brain is like zoomed into
like a stage scene, and it's easier to see, oh,
I could have this, I didn't do that because it's
(11:54):
easier to see that when we zoom way in. Because
a lot of times people come in the wondering phase
and say I can't to talk to him, or he
never listens, or we don't have fun anymore. And those
generalities are really hard to solve because when you try
to like open them up, they're like, but there's also this,
and there's also this, and so we really constrain into
in that one moment. Let's show you how you did
(12:17):
have options in that one moment, and then also in
the next moment you had options, and also in the
next moment, and when we really zoom in on our experience,
that's when the options and possibilities reveal themselves.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yeah, so helpful instead of trying to tackle the big
picture all at once.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Right, yes, because the big picture is almost never true too.
I can never talk to him. I'm like, I bet
you have spoken to him this week, right, or I
bet there was one time where this happened. And so
we like to prove, not prove, but offer them an
option to be like, it's not true and it doesn't
serve you to think there's brick walls in my life
(12:56):
where I can't do anything that doesn't serve you. I'm
using the phrase it's a favor to you to do this.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
It's like changing the narrative right from I don't have
any options, I'm stuck with this, to wait a second,
I do have power, and I can do all of
these other things instead.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
And sometimes just changing the narrative to I have options
I don't want to take is even a bit of
a movement. I see those options, I don't want to
take them right now. I actually do pick the option
I'm doing because I like it from and we explore
what their values are, and then decision making gets easier
as you really refine your own sense of values and
(13:35):
what's important to you.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I love that something that you touched on really briefly
in there is communication, and I'm curious what communication challenges
do women present in their relationships. I know a lot
of my clients struggle sometimes to communicate with their partners.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
I think a lot of times, and again we're talking
in a sweeping generalization here, but a lot of times
we're not as direct as we need to be. Yeah,
and so we're like, I'm just going to hint at this,
or I'm going to come around at the back door
of it, or I'm going to say part of what
I want, but not all of it. And sometimes that's
because we don't know. We haven't talked to ourselves enough
to really figure out what we want. But we wanted
(14:16):
to talk to ourselves first figure that out and then
present it to him as directly as possible. It's just
easier when the whole truth is out on the table.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
What's the benefit of that? Why would it be helpful
for someone to take the time and because that's a
lot of work, right to think about, Okay, what do
I actually want? A lot of people, at least my
observation is that a lot of women, particularly even moms,
I would say, they're just like running around doing all
of the things and they don't have the time.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
They don't make the time, right yeah, yeah, And we
don't have to sit down with a journal with like
absolute quiet, like you can do this while you're driving
carpool or whatever. But the reason it's important is because
it's very hard to get something that you have unidentified,
and also if you don't identify what you want. A
lot of times the way women talk is just I'm
waiting to see what he said. We're used to reacting
(15:10):
to somebody else instead of being proactive and I'm not
saying there's never a time to be reactive, because yes,
sometimes he's in charge of making the decisions and sometimes
you will be. But we want to have that movement
where if it's something that's really important to you, you
want to be very clear about it from the get go.
And if it's something that's less important to you, then sure,
go ahead and react to whatever he says. But the
(15:31):
reason it's important to sit down and take that time,
sit down in the carpool chair, sit down in the
kitchen table, wherever it is, because it's just so much
harder to get it and to also know that you
got it and then celebrate it if you don't know
what it is.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Yeah. Absolutely. In coaching, we always talk about celebrating and
recognizing our accomplishments, right, So if you don't know when
to celebrate that you've gotten it, then you just continue
to think that everything's a failure, your relationship, you maybe
all of these other.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Things, especially when we're used to the story I can
ever talk to him if you don't identify what I
wanted was a clear answer yes or no? Are we
taking that trip? If you feel like that was success,
then if you unless you identify that, then you're just
gonna be like, we talked about it, but I didn't
really land and here's why I don't like And it's
just gonna cycle back into that general thing, which is
(16:19):
gonna feel frustrating to you and him.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yeah, So taking the time to get clear and then
to take the direct action, it sounds like it's a
really big game changer.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
And to call attention to that worked out, actually, And
it's also just safer for everyone when we have all
of it out on the table, because you've probably talked
to someone before and you're like, I can tell there's
more of this story. I don't really know what else
is there, but I feel like a little bit wary.
Nobody likes to feel that way in conversations.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Communication is such a huge thing that I've had to
work on in my own relationships. I feel like we
make a lot of assumptions, yes, about like how other
people are like feeling or viewing the situation. What tips
do you have for women when they are spiraling or
(17:09):
making a ton of assumptions.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I always want them to answer the question how do
we know? And sometimes it'll be like He's done it
a billion times before and I'm like, okay, and it's
useful to you. Again, it's a favor to you to consider.
It may be possible that he doesn't do it this time,
because when we go into the conversation expecting a certain outcome,
(17:34):
we're going to unconsciously influence.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
It to go that way.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Like they'll say things like I know this is pretty
expensive and you probably don't want to spend money on it,
but can I? And then I heard pretty expensive? I
don't want to. So it's just easy to promuceay, no.
Whereas if we're like, listen, here's the thing that I
want to invest in. Here's why it's important to me,
here's how it would benefit our family, here's how I
would get the money for it, it's just easier for
him to say yes. Not that he's in charge of
(17:59):
the finance. That's not what I'm trying to say. But
when you have finances that are combined, we want to
come at it with a belief that it's possible we
get what we want instead of assuming it's probably gonna
say no, so I'm just gonna have a whimpier ask.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
It totally changes the way that we frame something right,
Like the way that we present it, and I think
to what I'm picking up on, and just a trend
that I've seen with women and my clients is confidence
in the self. So not just like thinking that he's
going to say no, but also are you confident in
yourself that this is the right decision? And sometimes I
(18:34):
think we look for reasons not to and then we
set it up in a discussion with our partner. Oh,
they said no, so like I can't do it even
though I really want to do.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
It, especially if our setup is this seems uncertain and dangerous.
There's something about people who love us that they're going
to pick up on that and be like, she's scared,
so I'm going to tell her she doesn't have to yeah,
which then reads as he wouldn't let me, which is maybe.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Not saying I'm super curious. Do you touch on I
guess it is that whole empowerment piece and stepping into
your power, because I feel like sometimes we can slip
into allowing our partners to be a crutch. What, if anything,
do you have to say on that topic.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I would just say that it's not always a bad
thing if we do that, because we're in partnership for
a reason. That sometimes he'll take the lead and sometimes
we will. And so if you're going to use your
partner as like a I'm going to defer to him
or whoever it is, if I'm going to defer to them,
we just want to know that we're doing that on
purpose totally, because it can be just as dangerous to
(19:40):
have the binary of I rely on them, I don't
rely on them. I'm empowered, I'm not empowered. And what's
more true is really I don't want to take the
lead on this one, and I'm empowering myself to not
take the lead, or I'm empowering myself to take the lead.
But I know that I could pick either one. That's
true empowerment to me and allowing yourself to fluidly move between,
(20:01):
because otherwise, why are we even in relationship if we
never let them go first or be the bulk of
the work.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
It's interesting because when our connection call, we actually talked
about control and how sometimes we can see these controlling
or I would say, like unconscious subconscious manipulation tactics to
get people to do what they want to do. What
themes do you talk about with your clients around that?
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I think it's so important for each person to be
able to tune into their own sense, like in their
felt sense, not their verbal thought discussions.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
But do I like this? You might not like this, because.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
We're wired that way to be able to know if
something feels good to us or not. And so each
person on an individual basis, I would invite her or him.
I don't usually coach men, but I would invite whoever
it was to be like when you really sit and
think about it, do you want to do the thing
or do you not? And if they want to do it,
(21:05):
then it's not controlling. So we just identify what are
your cues for.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yes or no?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And do you wait to follow his cues or can
you decide on your own and just really connecting themselves
to their own values. Their own intuition is the basis
for everything, and then unlearning beliefs like my job is
to make him happy, my job is to keep him satisfied.
My job is whatever, and anytime the motivation is some
(21:34):
version of I have to manage his feelings, we always
take some steps back from that. And again it's not
that we never want to manage his feelings because sometimes
like if his grandma died or something, and of course
you want to try and make him feel better, but
if it's not always our job, and being able to
find the choice in every moment is the way that
you won't be controlled.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
And just like taking ownership of your experience, because I
think sometimes the lines can get really blurry in partner
so oh, like I'm expected or I need to console
or make sure that they don't feel a certain way
about something that I have to say. But really, what
it sounds like you're saying is that actually we're just
(22:14):
two individual people in a partnership and their space for
both people to feel their things yes, and to be
held in this space, and.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
That sometimes means that you're going to say no and
he's not going to understand that m hm, And we
get to be like, I know that he wants me
to do whatever it is. It's a no for me,
but I understand what he's said, and I don't have
to make that mean that I was a jerk or
that he's controlling. It's just like he's allowed to be
disappointed if I don't want to go to that event
(22:44):
with him.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Of course he wants me there.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I'm very awesome, but I don't want to go, so
we can make room for one partner saying no and
the other partner not liking that. I'm not going to
be mean to each other about it, but we're like, yeah,
I get it, want me to be there, and I'm
not going to go, and I love you, but not
for me. It's just never going to do that. But
(23:08):
I love you, and please take a friend and have
the best time. Totally, and then we can just trust
that our partner is a resourceful enough human.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
They're disappointing sometimes.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Yeah, totally, they'll figure it out and.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
We love them through their disappointment, but we's just not
our job to fix it.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Totally. Yeah. I love that freeze up so much time
and space to be able to focus on like you
as an individual, versus always tiptoeing around your partner like
trying to figure out how to make them happy one
hundred percent of the time.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
When it comes to finances and managing finances as a couple,
I know my clients and my audience, this is like
a topic that has come up before.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Sure, what are some of the.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Biggest challenges that you see couples have when it comes
to combining or just managing money in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Yeah, I think managing money for sure, and really in
all scenarios, but with money specifically, we make it mean
something it doesn't mean when somebody makes a financial decision
that's different than what we would make. Right, there's always
the age ol, the concern of am I spender, I'm
a saver, all of that, and we want to just
(24:26):
really get curious about why are they doing that. The
truth is most likely they would do that regardless of
which partner they were with. If they were with you,
if they were with me, if they were with some
random listener, they would probably behave the same way about money,
which is just really useful for us to know because
their decisions about money are all about that. And the
(24:47):
more that we can just be like, oh, there's no
if he loved me, he would blah, there's none of that.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
That's not a thing.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
The only reason he's spending or saving or whatever he's
doing with money is because he's trying to find security,
And so we can ask ourselves, oh, okay, what is
the security about here? And if both of us come
to the table believing that the other person deserves to
feel secure, and they might find it in a different way.
The conversation is going to be a lot less volatile
(25:18):
because there's no worry about if he loved me then
mm hmmm, it's just, oh, we want to find safety.
He feels safer with thousands of dollars in the bank account.
I feel safer with zero balance credit cards. So we're
going to have some discussion then about do we pay
down our debts or do we build up our savings?
And it means nothing about either one of us because
(25:38):
both of us want the same thing, which is security.
So how can we define security for ourselves together?
Speaker 2 (25:44):
I love that, and I'm wondering because I know that
the topic of money can come with a lot of
feelings and a lot of trauma, and a lot of
beliefs and emotions and all of that. So how would
a couple even come together and have like a neutral conversation.
How would a couple who is not aligning on finances
come together and make those decisions that honor both people
(26:08):
in the partnership.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
To what you said, it probably will come after some fights,
to be totally honest, and then each partner will have
the opportunity to step back and be like, why was
that so important to me. Where was I feeling threatened?
And I if I was coaching them, I would be like, separately,
Please go answer that question knowing that your answer is valid,
you came from your own experiences. So after we had
(26:31):
this fight, let's break it down. If it was a fight,
let's say about saving or not, why did you want
to do that? What happens if you don't do that?
And then let's bring that back together. One thing that
I when I was very first married, I didn't agree with,
but now I might, is like, it might be okay
if you don't share finances. Let's even put that on
the table, because do we want this to be a
(26:54):
thing that keeps coming between us If it's hard to
find a resolution, Maybe there's lots of different ways that
this could look. Maybe you have a joint account and
your own separate accounts. Maybe you're totally separate and one
of you writes a check for the utilities to the other.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
One and for the month.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
There's so many choices, and the more choices we have,
the safer it's going to be.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Yeah, I love that. It's really just about finding the
option that's going to work for the relationship, and.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
It doesn't matter what your mom or your grandma, or
your neighbor or your sister Dave Ramsey says, or whoever
else is in the financial space, Like that worked for them,
and you two get to decide what's most important to
you knowing that like your connection is intact regardless of
the way the money looks.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
What would you recommend as a first step for a
couple who is not agreeing on finances.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, as the first step, I would just say we
don't agree and it's okay that we don't like maybe
it could be okay. I would try to help them
introduce some safety cues into the conversation. Let's make this
a little bit lighter than it has been before. Because
when the state are high and the options are low,
like we don't have any options and we're probably gonna die,
(28:06):
like that conversation is never going to go well. It's
if you think you're trapped in a scenario where there's
no choices, it's never gonna go well. So the very
first step is to be like, we have some options here.
This doesn't have to be a marriage ender or a
relationship ender. We have some options of how this could go.
And I'm still here with you, and if we can't
(28:27):
get to that place, let's put some options on the
table and we still like this person regardless of which
option we end up choosing, we'd spend time there until
we found that.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
I love that. It's reminding me of conversations I have
with my clients when they're trying to make more money
in their business. Ironically, that it's hard to get into
a more energized and empowering, an open place when your
brain is freaking out about bills to pay and like
(28:56):
all of the things that you have to do. So
it sounds like really neutralizing and just coming down to
reality and not being so high in your emotions and
taking things so personally. That's where you can create more
options and then actually look at what options be'st going
to serve us from here.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Yeah, and it's helpful if you can really identify what
is at steak here, sweetheart, you do seem very afraid. Yeah,
so what's going on for you? And not like what's
going on for you? Why are you so stupid? But
maybe what's happening? I love you and I want us
to feel safe. What's at stake here? And he might
(29:37):
tell you a story of like how his house burned
down and all the family savings was stored under the mattress,
and like it was so traumatic and everyone was like stressed,
and they can be like, Oh, that makes sense, We're
not gonna have mattress savings. We're gonna do this instead.
But when we know the story behind the stakes, it's
so much easier to problem.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Solve, absolutely, And I imagine that goes like beyond even
discussing finances, right.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
All conversations.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
If we know what's at stake here, where do you
feel like you're being threatened or tied down? And when
we ask that from a genuinely curious place, like you
might ask a stranger in an interview. I don't have
any emotional ties to this. I really just want to know.
We're not going to make any decisions off of it.
We're just putting all the puzzle pieces out on the
table hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
And I know it's hard to do that when you're
so emotionally connected to someone in fear of losing them.
What if anything, do you have to say to someone
who's in that place.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yeah, there's the stakes really high up there. I don't
have any choices because if I tell the truth, I'm
going to lose this person. Of course, it's hard to
communicate because look how high the stakes are and look
how low the choices are. So in that scenario, I
would be like, what if we just tell you in
your own journal what's going on so that you can
just get to know yourself a little bit better. And
(30:57):
once we reveal that, then we can do we want
to bring any of that to the conversation between the
two of you, or do you just want to know
that this is the kind of lack of a better word,
baggage you're bringing into the marriage conversation. And it's okay
that you're going to bring baggage. Everyone does, but we
want to know what's in your suitcase if we can.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
The more that we get to know ourselves, I think
the easier it is to communicate and to work through
and have a successful relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah know, and accept ourselves. And I always say accept
yourself for now, because like you can accept oh this
is where I'm starting, and I may change it. It's
not like acceptance forever I'm going to be like this,
but it's like, right now, this is where I am.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
And then when we.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Have that safety within ourselves, it's easier to do anything really.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, and helps totally with like confidence
as well and showing up for what you need and
asking for what you need and all of that. I'm
really curious if some how do you find some self
in a relationship having the same conversation over and over
again with their partner, what advice would you have to
(32:08):
give them?
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Yeah, I think it would really depend.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Like if it's just like a behavior that's annoying that
they wanted to change, I might actually just figure out
a way to be like, I love this person enough
to put up with this, and I'm gonna make it.
But if it's something that's like dangerous or threatening, I'd
have to know what it was. But then I would
work with them to be like, what is going on
in your brain that you're willing to put up with
this thing that's really threatening to you? And so the
(32:35):
more we can make it like and again, let's take
the threatening one off the table. But if it's just
something that's annoying, you're like, can you please well the dishwasher? Differently,
can you please come home? I don't know, something that's
not life threatening really is just bothersome I would just
consider how could we make this lighthearted, how could we
introduce some humor here? And if they're going to keep
(32:57):
doing that thing, how can you resource yourself around doing
something else? For example, like, my husband always likes to
check his email right when everyone gets in the car,
and I'm like, dude, we just got in the car,
we're all seat belted in. Why are you checking your
email right now? Drive the damn car? Is how it
feels to me.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
Oh my god, I was picturing him in the passenger
seat that would drive me.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Yeah, he sits in the park in driver's seat and wait,
waits to drive, And I'm like, why are you doing that?
But now I know, oh, he's probably gonna do that
because I think in his mind he's I'm leaving work,
I'm shutting down work person and turning on dad person,
and I'm in the car now, So this is like
my conditioned queue to do it. And so for that,
(33:39):
I'm like, Okay, he's probably not going to ever stop
doing that. So I'm gonna be like, hey, kids, dad's
gonna check his email. So make sure you brought your
book or a coloring or something like. Let's let dad
get in the car first and then we'll go join
him later. Like I can resource myself differently around something
that he's not doing to like piss me off. He's
not really even aware what's happening, and it's just condition
(34:00):
to response in him that I'm willing to put up with.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
I feel like there's so many things that we can
do as individuals and in partnerships that really irritate the
other person. But once you realize that they're doing this
for a reason and don't take it so personal that oh,
he's doing this just to piss me off or whatever,
can help with those options that you're talking about, right.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Yes, And we're like, he's gonna do this, so now
what do I want to do? Because sometimes people come
to me and they're like, I've been told by coaches
that my husband can just do whatever he wants. And
I'm like, yep, and so can you. If he's doing
something that you don't want to be a part of,
then you can not get in the car yet, or
you can so many things, right, Because they usually say
(34:43):
to me, I guess I'm just supposed to put up
with whatever he wants to do, And I'm like, that's
one choice, you also have lots of other ones, and
that's where we get the most leverage.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
M I love that this is bringing up for me.
So in our connection call, you talked about confident companionship.
Do you want to talk more about that.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
Yeah, So, confident companionship means I've known myself really well,
Like I've done the work to figure out what my
values are, what's important to me, what's not important to me,
where I want to take the lead, where I want
him to take the lead. I'm knowing myself on an
ongoing basis enough to know that. And then companionship means,
like I trust I can lean into this and relax
(35:24):
into it sometimes like we were talking about before, where
it's not I'm just taking care of myself over here
and he's just taking care of himself over there. We've
figured out how to intertwine in a way that feels vulnerable,
but also anytime we need to pull back out, we can,
and it's there's lots of gradations of pulling out. Right,
this is not a very safe place to be if
(35:46):
you can't see me I have my hands like intertwined
in class, because then that means we've lost a lot
of our choices. This is not really safe either, because
then we've lost a lot of our connection. But if
we're just like right here and we're moving like, that's
what confident companionship is. He has his side, I have
his side, but there's definitely like this energy flowing between
us in a way that we manage on purpose.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
I love that so much. I feel like so in
my last relationship, I feel like my ex husband and
I were totally like this, like I was off doing
my own thing and he was just whatever, doing his
own thing. And yeah, in this relationship, so many people
have made comments on the flow of energy and I
can feel it, but it's not something that I knew
(36:30):
other people could see. So it's really it's just really
fascinating to be in a new relationship where there is
that flow and to experience it because it is it's
so powerful to find that healthy balance or like the
way of being together and coexisting together that supports each
(36:51):
individual and isn't just completely separate.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Yes, I like to give the visual of if you
were going to hang up a hammock, let's say, and
you had an oak tree on one side, and like
an aspen or like a weeping mellow or something, but essentially,
like a wimpier tree over here, got the strong one
and the wimpier one. The hammock's always gonna fall to
the side of the stronger tree. So the goal is
to have both of us be stronger trees, so the
(37:17):
hammock can swing between us and not end up on
the ground closer to the strong one. Which many people
socialized as women and they are used to being the
wimpier tree because they're like, we're supposed to just be
nice and pleasant and make sure everyone around if it's
taken care of. But what happens when we do that,
to like an overuse of that strategy is that the
(37:41):
hammock just lays.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
On the ground.
Speaker 1 (37:43):
It doesn't and it dies essentially. And so what we
want to do instead is, I'm going to make sure
that I'm happy first, that I'm cared for first, so
that way we can have that flow like you're talking about.
And it's so flattering and awesome that people are noticing
that because it is an attractive quality when we see
it in couples.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Yeah, and it's really amazing how other people can really
detect that, and not just in people, but in relationships.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Right.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
Yeah, So something that I've noticed is that, and I
just want to hear what you think about this. So
with the feminist movement, I feel like as women, we
know we're not here just to please. We know we're
not here just to this, and we have all this
knowledge of behaviors and tendencies we don't have to do anymore.
(38:32):
But I still find that a lot of women repeat
the same patterns of their ancestors of like generations before them,
and they might not even be aware that they're doing it.
What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 1 (38:47):
I think very first, just because we don't have to
do something doesn't mean we would never choose to, so
I think, and I mean there's all gradations of the
feminist movement, but I think the most useful interpretation of
feminism is everyone chooses all the dishes. Franchise groups, women,
(39:08):
bipod all of them get to choose just as much
as like the in power groups. And so that might
mean that we choose to do similar things to what
our grandparents did, but with a different flavor. With the
I can choose flavor. So I think that's part of
the thing is we don't want to go so far too.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
I don't have to do that.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
I never should and if I do, then I failed.
That's not it. Also, like when we're threatened or when
we're tired, you go back to your own habits, and
so we must think something is at stay or we
might be too tired, and so we're just like, I'm
just going to do what I've seen.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
And I think you're right.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
It is an unconscious process sometimes, and so the goal
is really to bring.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
It to consciousness.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Yeah, I could help ming my husband help me do
the dishes right now, but I'm just I'm like tired,
so I'd rather just get it done or I'd rather
leave them right. But the point is that we're choosing,
and as long as that invisible, intangible choices in place,
I think feminism is alive.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
And well, if there's anything that I keep hearing in
this interview is like, it's choice, it's options, it's choosing
and getting behind the choice that you have instead of
wallowing in it or like wondering about it.
Speaker 3 (40:16):
Yeah, yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
Just really supporting yourself in what I think and feel
and value really matters. And I'm going to go first
to assert that declaration that what I think and feel
matters and I don't have to do it at my
husband or at men in general. But I'm just like
mind matters and so does yours. So now how are
we gonna play that game?
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Find a new way forward? I'm curious for all of
our I wanted to say entrepreneurs, but like my listeners,
tend to be high achievers, people who take on a lot.
Some of them have kids, some of them don't. But
I'm curious, what's one piece of advice for someone who
is looking to enjoy their marriage or their relationship, but
(40:57):
they have so much on their plate. What is like
one step or one piece of advice that you have
for them?
Speaker 1 (41:05):
Yeah, I think the one step or advice that you
could add to your plate being full already, it's just
be like whatever interval of time you want, like every day,
once a month, once a quarter, once an hour, whatever
it is is, let me just make sure I know
what I want. I always invite my people to say,
let's make a list of twenty five things that we
(41:26):
really want and post it somewhere, and then just make
sure that the decisions you're making day to day are
at least leading you closer to the things on your list.
So just having that guiding document is going to help
you make decisions more purposefully.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
Yeah, it's so common to just get swept away by
the busyness of life. I think that's probably where you
see people like thirty years into their marriage.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
Wait, where did that even go?
Speaker 2 (41:52):
Yeah? Where and where are we now? We're so far
from what we originally signed up for, what we dreamed
of once upon a time.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
I haven't even thought about what I wanted because if
I have these kids and they needed to go to
baseball or get their book report done or whatever, and
so of course those things are important, and we want
you to have a turn in whatever's going on in
your family. And I think it's so useful if you
do have kids, is to show not just your daughters,
(42:20):
of course, your daughters, but also your son's Hey, your
wife or your partner at some point, she's gonna have
a turn too. So we're going to normalize the turn
taking is a really motivating factor for a lot of women,
especially mothers, because they're like, I, of course want my
kids to have even more than what I had, and
so I'm going to teach them about wanting and taking
turns as though it's a normal process.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
I love that concept. If someone is listening to this
and they're resonating, how would they know if they need support.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
No, nobody needs support. I just think everybody is killing it.
And the reason I say that is because sometimes women
come to me and they're like, I think I'm just
the problem.
Speaker 3 (42:58):
I'm the reason everything's bad, and I'm like, no, that's
never true.
Speaker 1 (43:02):
Like everything, especially in families and relationships, exists in a system.
You're just part of the system, and possibly the strongest
part because you're the one seeking out support it.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
So good job you.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
So if you want support, I think is the most
important reason to get it right. And usually people come
to me because they're like, my husband is being a
giant jerk wuad and I don't have any choices because
I have these kids, or he pays like most of
the bills or something like that. And so if they're
(43:31):
feeling like I don't know, I'm stuck in a relationship
that I don't have any options in and I want
somebody to help me see what my options are, that's
a good indicator that me or someone like me might
be able to help you find those options. I really
love that.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
Very great. Thank you.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Curious if there's anything like if somebody wanted to connect
with you or get like a little taste for the
work that you do, where would they go?
Speaker 1 (43:58):
Yeah, so you can go to my webs candicetune dot
com Candace with An I Tune with An. Then there
is a free course that you can just get right
up on the right hand corner. There's also my book
wife on Purpose available for free download on my website,
and it also has a work book with it. So
if you wanted to take some time and think what
do I really want? That book and workbook will really
help you. You can also just message me on Instagram.
(44:21):
Candice Tune Coaching is my Instagram handle, and I'm happy
to talk to anyone in the DNS.
Speaker 3 (44:26):
Just be like, I have this question for you. What's
going on?
Speaker 2 (44:29):
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (44:29):
That would be fun awesome.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
Is there anything that you would like to leave our
listeners with any additional anything.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
Whenever I'm a guest on a podcast, I always like
to say, hey, if you listen on the podcast and
you want to try out coaching, I always give super
awesome bonus of six weeks of coaching for three hundred
bucks if you want so if you say, hey, I
heard you on Laurens podcast, you can just be like,
let's try it out, because we need to have a
little bit of time to get to know each other.
But I also don't want it to be like a
(44:57):
huge investment for you. Fun to just do that.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
Really great way of getting people to try coaching see
if it's a good fit while also making progress.
Speaker 1 (45:09):
Yeah, you're definitely going to get something useful by the
end of six weeks, and one of the things you'll
get is you'll know if you want to continue on
or if you want a different kind of support. So incredible,
it's nice to stop wondering.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
Yeah, amazing. Thank you so much for your time and
for being here and for answering these questions. I really
appreciate it, and for anyone listening. If you had any
questions from this episode, I do have a free Telegram
group where you can go and ask them. I can
pass them on, or we can do another episode, or
feel free to reach out and dm us individually. We
(45:42):
would love to hear what your takeaways are. And yeah,
we'll see you in the next episode. Thank you so
much for tuning into the podcast today. If you like
what you heard, I would love it if you left
a review. If you like my vibe, come and hang
with me in my Facebook or Telegram group. I'll drop
the link to my email list below, or you can
get instant access. Make sure you check the show notes
(46:03):
for any other links that I mentioned today, and until
next time, I'm sending you waves of abundance.
The point of life is to grow and evolve, and
sometimes that aligns, and sometimes it aligns for a time
and then doesn't anymore, and none of it has to
be like a failure.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Welcome to the Aligned and Magnetic Podcast. I'm your host,
Laura Ashley, Intuitive business coach, certified by the International Coaching Federation,
and they call me the Money, Mindset and Manifestation Queen.
I take a spiritual and practical approach that's backed by
neuroscience to help you make your vision a reality, but
(00:37):
more importantly, doing it in a way that lights you
the fuck up. If you're ready to create an aligned,
magnetic and profitable business so you can live a life
and do the work you are absolutely in love with,
you're in the right place. Get ready to hear the
powerful questions and raw lessons that you need to create
success your way. Thank you so much for being here.
(01:00):
Let's dive in, Hi, Hi Loves. Welcome back to another
episode of the Aligned Magnetic Podcast. Today we have a guest, Candace,
who is a former marriage and family therapist turned Master
certified life coach and the founder of the Defining Gravity Revolution.
Her mission is to help women stop wondering if they
married the wrong guy and start enjoying the marriage they
(01:24):
imagined when they said I do. She's a podcaster, author,
connoisseur of grapefruit juice, Oh my god, I love grapefruit juice,
and a jazzer size enthusiast. I took jazz a large
majority of my childhood upbringing. I don't think I was
very good.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
At It doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
It's just for fun exactly. So. She lives in Utah
with her husband, three children, and their dog. Thank you
for being here.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
Candace, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
How do you see your last name? By the way,
is it tone or tune?
Speaker 3 (01:54):
It's tune tune.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
Okay, that makes sense given the Oh but you never
know these you never know. So we connected in Tavana's network.
The coach is collective, and I just really loved your energy,
And once we actually got onto a connection call and
started chatting, I was like, oh my god, I feel
like my listeners could totally benefit from what you talk
(02:18):
about and your experience and all of that stuff, because
how many entrepreneurs are just humans in general, are in
a relationship and struggling.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
I'm wondering what am I doing here?
Speaker 2 (02:34):
And it's so fascinating because at the time we connected,
I told you a little bit about my marriage and
how I laughed and all of that stuff, and so
I don't know. Maybe this episode will give people an
opportunity to shift their relationship if that's what they want,
or the courage to leave if that's what they want
(02:54):
as well.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
I always like to talk about it's shifting a relationship,
by the way, So we shift either with the person
we're with right now, or we shift to a person
that fits better, which likely means our ex partner also
shifts to someone that fits better. Like to frame it
as a win for everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yeah, because there's no use in staying and forcing something
to work. And sometimes we outgrowth the partnerships that we're in.
What do you think about that. What's something that you
help your clients with when it comes to growth.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
I think everybody has the option and two people have
unique autonomy in relationships. And it's not that we always
leave someone behind. It's they didn't want to go that way,
but I did. And so it's just we have freedom
to choose always, and if the person we chose ten
years ago wants to still keep choosing similar paths, amazing
(03:52):
and if not, still could be amazing for us to
choose whatever serves us well. And so I don't like
people come to me and say, oh, I just feel
so guilty I should have to stay or we don't
have to do any of that, because the point of
life is to grow and evolve, and sometimes that aligns,
and sometimes it aligns for a time and then doesn't anymore,
(04:15):
and none of it has to be like a failure.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
I love that because actually I think the one of
the biggest reasons I didn't end my relationship sooner is
because I felt this need to prove that I could
make it work. And in retrospect, I don't want to
say like I wish, because I don't really regret it,
because it all unfolded the way that it needed to
and I had lessons to learn. But I think that
(04:42):
definitely taking the shame out of whatever you decide to
do is a really big helpful tool.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Yes, we are all passed down or across rules from
like our grandma, or like our neighbor or someone that
were like, oh, the measure of success was extended to
me by these cultural norms, or by these societal rules,
or by my own family's opinions and if we're going
to adopt them, which a lot of times we do
(05:14):
adopt them and like them and they work well for us.
But if we adopt one that doesn't work well for us,
that's just good for us to.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Be aware of.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
And it may serve me and our kids if we
have them, and our partner if we just let ourselves
blossom in the way that feels most aligned to us.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
And the other thing too, just to add on to
that is, in my circumstance, I came from divorce parents
and family members like divorce parents, divorce grandparents. Pretty much
everyone except for my dad's parents were divorced. But I
always heard the judgment, Yeah, for sure, right from my
family members. It'd be like, oh, he's divorced again. So
(05:54):
it is interesting when you do look at where those
beliefs come from. And it's just helpful to be aware
of our thinking patterns.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
And aware of what we're trying to prove.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Right, yes, what exactly do we prove by staying longer?
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Absolutely the pain.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Tolerance that we're trying to prove. What exactly are we
proving here? Just to make sure it's an award that
we want to win which I don't know if we
always are, if we just stay for reasons outside of us.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
Absolutely, so I'm really curious before diving in. If you
don't mind me asking what made you go from a
marriage and family therapist to life coaching?
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah, totally, I don't mind you asking at all. There's
a couple of reasons. One, therapy tends to be and
everyone listening hear me say it's a sweeping generalization, so
it's not always the case, but tends to be a
disease model, meaning we have to find a diagnosis and
treat it like an illness, which I think, especially in relationships,
that's not always the case. Sometimes it's just we're having trouble,
(06:57):
but both of us are healthy. I didn't like myself
being view as a patient with a problem. It's just
like this is just a skill I haven't developed yet.
I liked that vibe a little bit better. Although I
do one hundred percent believe that there's a place for therapy,
my personal thing was I didn't want the client to
be like something's wrong with them. I wanted it to
be like we're just figuring it out together. So that
(07:18):
was one reason. And then secondly there's just so much
more freedom in coaching than there is in therapy. Therapy
is often held down by insurance policies or state guidelines,
and those things are in place for a reason, to
provide safety, of course, and as they provide safety, they
also provide limits, and I just didn't want to have any.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
That's a really great excuse I find. Even though I'm
certified with the International Coaching Federation, there is still opportunity
to just use different tools and techniques to help support
our clients in the best way possible, because it's not
always one tool that's going to get them where they
need to be.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
And I think coaching also allows and therapy does. Again
there's lots of blurred lines and movement, but coaching allows
for internal governance by your own ethics, which I think
is such a useful muscle to develop for everyone. What
do I genuinely feel good about offering as a service
and when can I ethically refer It's just really good
(08:17):
questions for everyone to answer for themselves.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Yeah, absolutely, I love that. So many things that we
could go into around that too, But something that really
stands out for me in your biodescription is that you
help women stop wondering if they married the wrong guy
and start enjoying the marriage they imagined when they said
I do. Can you tell us more about this?
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Yes, because the wondering is such a waste of energy
and such a pain point. And a lot of times
wandering comes because we're afraid of making a decision. We're
afraid of making the decision to forgive and stay. We're
afraid of making the decision to accept that he always
leaves us from the floor some version of that. We're
(09:02):
just afraid to be like, yes, I choose this, and
we're also afraid to be like, I don't choose this,
and so we stay in wondering land, which just stagnates.
I don't care if women choose to say or go.
I think that they are the best person to know that.
But what I do want is for them to connect
with their own power to make decisions. So that's why
(09:23):
the wondering is something that we want to be like, oh,
notice I'm choosing to wonder instead of choosing to honor
the life that I really want and discover what that is.
Because I think every woman deserves, every person deserves to
find out what that is and go for it if
they want to.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
I love that what comes up for me is really
being confident in your decision instead of waffling. I've observed
that a lot of people will spend a lot of
time wasting energy wondering should I make this decision?
Speaker 1 (09:50):
It doesn't get you anywhere. The only place it does
get you is a disconnection with yourself, which doesn't serve
you in any capacity of your life.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Because then you end up questioning your decision, and questioning
your decisions just leads to downward spiral.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Yeah, and then it leads you to defer to other people,
which is such a problem because then you end up
being in relationships that you may or may not like
because you're like, I guess that person's in charge of
what I want. And I just think that the more
we strengthen our connection to I'm allowed to want what
I want. I don't necessarily have to take action on it,
(10:29):
but I at least want to know what I want.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I love that what would you say is like the
biggest thing that you maybe spend time on your clients
with when it comes to turning off the wondering and
stepping into their power.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah, So I like to teach all my clients that
they can create safety regardless of what he's doing. And
of course with the caveat, like if he's being abusive,
that's a separate conversation, but like in general, like he's
annoying some sort of things, like you can create your
own experience regardless of what he's doing, and your experience
might be I'm just going to turn off and give
(11:09):
him that back. Your experience might be, I'm going to
advocate for that to be different. I'm going to make
it funny. There's so many choices you have, and so
what I always love to spend time on is looking
for the place where she believes she doesn't have any
options and finding them because they are always there.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
I love that. And how do you like start looking
for those options?
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Yeah, so we take whatever he's done. I don't know,
something he did that was annoying, and we are always like,
let's zoom in on this last time that he specifically
did that, because then the brain is like zoomed into
like a stage scene, and it's easier to see, oh,
I could have this, I didn't do that because it's
(11:54):
easier to see that when we zoom way in. Because
a lot of times people come in the wondering phase
and say I can't to talk to him, or he
never listens, or we don't have fun anymore. And those
generalities are really hard to solve because when you try
to like open them up, they're like, but there's also this,
and there's also this, and so we really constrain into
in that one moment. Let's show you how you did
(12:17):
have options in that one moment, and then also in
the next moment you had options, and also in the
next moment, and when we really zoom in on our experience,
that's when the options and possibilities reveal themselves.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yeah, so helpful instead of trying to tackle the big
picture all at once.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
Right, yes, because the big picture is almost never true too.
I can never talk to him. I'm like, I bet
you have spoken to him this week, right, or I
bet there was one time where this happened. And so
we like to prove, not prove, but offer them an
option to be like, it's not true and it doesn't
serve you to think there's brick walls in my life
(12:56):
where I can't do anything that doesn't serve you. I'm
using the phrase it's a favor to you to do this.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
It's like changing the narrative right from I don't have
any options, I'm stuck with this, to wait a second,
I do have power, and I can do all of
these other things instead.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
And sometimes just changing the narrative to I have options
I don't want to take is even a bit of
a movement. I see those options, I don't want to
take them right now. I actually do pick the option
I'm doing because I like it from and we explore
what their values are, and then decision making gets easier
as you really refine your own sense of values and
(13:35):
what's important to you.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I love that something that you touched on really briefly
in there is communication, and I'm curious what communication challenges
do women present in their relationships. I know a lot
of my clients struggle sometimes to communicate with their partners.
Speaker 3 (13:53):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
I think a lot of times, and again we're talking
in a sweeping generalization here, but a lot of times
we're not as direct as we need to be. Yeah,
and so we're like, I'm just going to hint at this,
or I'm going to come around at the back door
of it, or I'm going to say part of what
I want, but not all of it. And sometimes that's
because we don't know. We haven't talked to ourselves enough
to really figure out what we want. But we wanted
(14:16):
to talk to ourselves first figure that out and then
present it to him as directly as possible. It's just
easier when the whole truth is out on the table.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
What's the benefit of that? Why would it be helpful
for someone to take the time and because that's a
lot of work, right to think about, Okay, what do
I actually want? A lot of people, at least my
observation is that a lot of women, particularly even moms,
I would say, they're just like running around doing all
of the things and they don't have the time.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
They don't make the time, right yeah, yeah, And we
don't have to sit down with a journal with like
absolute quiet, like you can do this while you're driving
carpool or whatever. But the reason it's important is because
it's very hard to get something that you have unidentified,
and also if you don't identify what you want. A
lot of times the way women talk is just I'm
waiting to see what he said. We're used to reacting
(15:10):
to somebody else instead of being proactive and I'm not
saying there's never a time to be reactive, because yes,
sometimes he's in charge of making the decisions and sometimes
you will be. But we want to have that movement
where if it's something that's really important to you, you
want to be very clear about it from the get go.
And if it's something that's less important to you, then sure,
go ahead and react to whatever he says. But the
(15:31):
reason it's important to sit down and take that time,
sit down in the carpool chair, sit down in the
kitchen table, wherever it is, because it's just so much
harder to get it and to also know that you
got it and then celebrate it if you don't know
what it is.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Yeah. Absolutely. In coaching, we always talk about celebrating and
recognizing our accomplishments, right, So if you don't know when
to celebrate that you've gotten it, then you just continue
to think that everything's a failure, your relationship, you maybe
all of these other.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
Things, especially when we're used to the story I can
ever talk to him if you don't identify what I
wanted was a clear answer yes or no? Are we
taking that trip? If you feel like that was success,
then if you unless you identify that, then you're just
gonna be like, we talked about it, but I didn't
really land and here's why I don't like And it's
just gonna cycle back into that general thing, which is
(16:19):
gonna feel frustrating to you and him.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Yeah, So taking the time to get clear and then
to take the direct action, it sounds like it's a
really big game changer.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
And to call attention to that worked out, actually, And
it's also just safer for everyone when we have all
of it out on the table, because you've probably talked
to someone before and you're like, I can tell there's
more of this story. I don't really know what else
is there, but I feel like a little bit wary.
Nobody likes to feel that way in conversations.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Communication is such a huge thing that I've had to
work on in my own relationships. I feel like we
make a lot of assumptions, yes, about like how other
people are like feeling or viewing the situation. What tips
do you have for women when they are spiraling or
(17:09):
making a ton of assumptions.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I always want them to answer the question how do
we know? And sometimes it'll be like He's done it
a billion times before and I'm like, okay, and it's
useful to you. Again, it's a favor to you to consider.
It may be possible that he doesn't do it this time,
because when we go into the conversation expecting a certain outcome,
(17:34):
we're going to unconsciously influence.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
It to go that way.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Like they'll say things like I know this is pretty
expensive and you probably don't want to spend money on it,
but can I? And then I heard pretty expensive? I
don't want to. So it's just easy to promuceay, no.
Whereas if we're like, listen, here's the thing that I
want to invest in. Here's why it's important to me,
here's how it would benefit our family, here's how I
would get the money for it, it's just easier for
him to say yes. Not that he's in charge of
(17:59):
the finance. That's not what I'm trying to say. But
when you have finances that are combined, we want to
come at it with a belief that it's possible we
get what we want instead of assuming it's probably gonna
say no, so I'm just gonna have a whimpier ask.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
It totally changes the way that we frame something right,
Like the way that we present it, and I think
to what I'm picking up on, and just a trend
that I've seen with women and my clients is confidence
in the self. So not just like thinking that he's
going to say no, but also are you confident in
yourself that this is the right decision? And sometimes I
(18:34):
think we look for reasons not to and then we
set it up in a discussion with our partner. Oh,
they said no, so like I can't do it even
though I really want to do.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
It, especially if our setup is this seems uncertain and dangerous.
There's something about people who love us that they're going
to pick up on that and be like, she's scared,
so I'm going to tell her she doesn't have to yeah,
which then reads as he wouldn't let me, which is maybe.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Not saying I'm super curious. Do you touch on I
guess it is that whole empowerment piece and stepping into
your power, because I feel like sometimes we can slip
into allowing our partners to be a crutch. What, if anything,
do you have to say on that topic.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I would just say that it's not always a bad
thing if we do that, because we're in partnership for
a reason. That sometimes he'll take the lead and sometimes
we will. And so if you're going to use your
partner as like a I'm going to defer to him
or whoever it is, if I'm going to defer to them,
we just want to know that we're doing that on
purpose totally, because it can be just as dangerous to
(19:40):
have the binary of I rely on them, I don't
rely on them. I'm empowered, I'm not empowered. And what's
more true is really I don't want to take the
lead on this one, and I'm empowering myself to not
take the lead, or I'm empowering myself to take the lead.
But I know that I could pick either one. That's
true empowerment to me and allowing yourself to fluidly move between,
(20:01):
because otherwise, why are we even in relationship if we
never let them go first or be the bulk of
the work.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
It's interesting because when our connection call, we actually talked
about control and how sometimes we can see these controlling
or I would say, like unconscious subconscious manipulation tactics to
get people to do what they want to do. What
themes do you talk about with your clients around that?
Speaker 1 (20:29):
I think it's so important for each person to be
able to tune into their own sense, like in their
felt sense, not their verbal thought discussions.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
But do I like this? You might not like this, because.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
We're wired that way to be able to know if
something feels good to us or not. And so each
person on an individual basis, I would invite her or him.
I don't usually coach men, but I would invite whoever
it was to be like when you really sit and
think about it, do you want to do the thing
or do you not? And if they want to do it,
(21:05):
then it's not controlling. So we just identify what are
your cues for.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yes or no?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And do you wait to follow his cues or can
you decide on your own and just really connecting themselves
to their own values. Their own intuition is the basis
for everything, and then unlearning beliefs like my job is
to make him happy, my job is to keep him satisfied.
My job is whatever, and anytime the motivation is some
(21:34):
version of I have to manage his feelings, we always
take some steps back from that. And again it's not
that we never want to manage his feelings because sometimes
like if his grandma died or something, and of course
you want to try and make him feel better, but
if it's not always our job, and being able to
find the choice in every moment is the way that
you won't be controlled.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
And just like taking ownership of your experience, because I
think sometimes the lines can get really blurry in partner
so oh, like I'm expected or I need to console
or make sure that they don't feel a certain way
about something that I have to say. But really, what
it sounds like you're saying is that actually we're just
(22:14):
two individual people in a partnership and their space for
both people to feel their things yes, and to be
held in this space, and.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
That sometimes means that you're going to say no and
he's not going to understand that m hm, And we
get to be like, I know that he wants me
to do whatever it is. It's a no for me,
but I understand what he's said, and I don't have
to make that mean that I was a jerk or
that he's controlling. It's just like he's allowed to be
disappointed if I don't want to go to that event
(22:44):
with him.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Of course he wants me there.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I'm very awesome, but I don't want to go, so
we can make room for one partner saying no and
the other partner not liking that. I'm not going to
be mean to each other about it, but we're like, yeah,
I get it, want me to be there, and I'm
not going to go, and I love you, but not
for me. It's just never going to do that. But
(23:08):
I love you, and please take a friend and have
the best time. Totally, and then we can just trust
that our partner is a resourceful enough human.
Speaker 3 (23:18):
They're disappointing sometimes.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
Yeah, totally, they'll figure it out and.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
We love them through their disappointment, but we's just not
our job to fix it.
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Totally. Yeah. I love that freeze up so much time
and space to be able to focus on like you
as an individual, versus always tiptoeing around your partner like
trying to figure out how to make them happy one
hundred percent of the time.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2 (23:41):
When it comes to finances and managing finances as a couple,
I know my clients and my audience, this is like
a topic that has come up before.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
Sure, what are some of the.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Biggest challenges that you see couples have when it comes
to combining or just managing money in their relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
Yeah, I think managing money for sure, and really in
all scenarios, but with money specifically, we make it mean
something it doesn't mean when somebody makes a financial decision
that's different than what we would make. Right, there's always
the age ol, the concern of am I spender, I'm
a saver, all of that, and we want to just
(24:26):
really get curious about why are they doing that. The
truth is most likely they would do that regardless of
which partner they were with. If they were with you,
if they were with me, if they were with some
random listener, they would probably behave the same way about money,
which is just really useful for us to know because
their decisions about money are all about that. And the
(24:47):
more that we can just be like, oh, there's no
if he loved me, he would blah, there's none of that.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
That's not a thing.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
The only reason he's spending or saving or whatever he's
doing with money is because he's trying to find security,
And so we can ask ourselves, oh, okay, what is
the security about here? And if both of us come
to the table believing that the other person deserves to
feel secure, and they might find it in a different way.
The conversation is going to be a lot less volatile
(25:18):
because there's no worry about if he loved me then
mm hmmm, it's just, oh, we want to find safety.
He feels safer with thousands of dollars in the bank account.
I feel safer with zero balance credit cards. So we're
going to have some discussion then about do we pay
down our debts or do we build up our savings?
And it means nothing about either one of us because
(25:38):
both of us want the same thing, which is security.
So how can we define security for ourselves together?
Speaker 2 (25:44):
I love that, and I'm wondering because I know that
the topic of money can come with a lot of
feelings and a lot of trauma, and a lot of
beliefs and emotions and all of that. So how would
a couple even come together and have like a neutral conversation.
How would a couple who is not aligning on finances
come together and make those decisions that honor both people
(26:08):
in the partnership.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
To what you said, it probably will come after some fights,
to be totally honest, and then each partner will have
the opportunity to step back and be like, why was
that so important to me. Where was I feeling threatened?
And I if I was coaching them, I would be like, separately,
Please go answer that question knowing that your answer is valid,
you came from your own experiences. So after we had
(26:31):
this fight, let's break it down. If it was a fight,
let's say about saving or not, why did you want
to do that? What happens if you don't do that?
And then let's bring that back together. One thing that
I when I was very first married, I didn't agree with,
but now I might, is like, it might be okay
if you don't share finances. Let's even put that on
the table, because do we want this to be a
(26:54):
thing that keeps coming between us If it's hard to
find a resolution, Maybe there's lots of different ways that
this could look. Maybe you have a joint account and
your own separate accounts. Maybe you're totally separate and one
of you writes a check for the utilities to the other.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
One and for the month.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
There's so many choices, and the more choices we have,
the safer it's going to be.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Yeah, I love that. It's really just about finding the
option that's going to work for the relationship, and.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
It doesn't matter what your mom or your grandma, or
your neighbor or your sister Dave Ramsey says, or whoever
else is in the financial space, Like that worked for them,
and you two get to decide what's most important to
you knowing that like your connection is intact regardless of
the way the money looks.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
What would you recommend as a first step for a
couple who is not agreeing on finances.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, as the first step, I would just say we
don't agree and it's okay that we don't like maybe
it could be okay. I would try to help them
introduce some safety cues into the conversation. Let's make this
a little bit lighter than it has been before. Because
when the state are high and the options are low,
like we don't have any options and we're probably gonna die,
(28:06):
like that conversation is never going to go well. It's
if you think you're trapped in a scenario where there's
no choices, it's never gonna go well. So the very
first step is to be like, we have some options here.
This doesn't have to be a marriage ender or a
relationship ender. We have some options of how this could go.
And I'm still here with you, and if we can't
(28:27):
get to that place, let's put some options on the
table and we still like this person regardless of which
option we end up choosing, we'd spend time there until
we found that.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
I love that. It's reminding me of conversations I have
with my clients when they're trying to make more money
in their business. Ironically, that it's hard to get into
a more energized and empowering, an open place when your
brain is freaking out about bills to pay and like
(28:56):
all of the things that you have to do. So
it sounds like really neutralizing and just coming down to
reality and not being so high in your emotions and
taking things so personally. That's where you can create more
options and then actually look at what options be'st going
to serve us from here.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Yeah, and it's helpful if you can really identify what
is at steak here, sweetheart, you do seem very afraid. Yeah,
so what's going on for you? And not like what's
going on for you? Why are you so stupid? But
maybe what's happening? I love you and I want us
to feel safe. What's at stake here? And he might
(29:37):
tell you a story of like how his house burned
down and all the family savings was stored under the mattress,
and like it was so traumatic and everyone was like stressed,
and they can be like, Oh, that makes sense, We're
not gonna have mattress savings. We're gonna do this instead.
But when we know the story behind the stakes, it's
so much easier to problem.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Solve, absolutely, And I imagine that goes like beyond even
discussing finances, right.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
All conversations.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
If we know what's at stake here, where do you
feel like you're being threatened or tied down? And when
we ask that from a genuinely curious place, like you
might ask a stranger in an interview. I don't have
any emotional ties to this. I really just want to know.
We're not going to make any decisions off of it.
We're just putting all the puzzle pieces out on the
table hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
And I know it's hard to do that when you're
so emotionally connected to someone in fear of losing them.
What if anything, do you have to say to someone
who's in that place.
Speaker 1 (30:36):
Yeah, there's the stakes really high up there. I don't
have any choices because if I tell the truth, I'm
going to lose this person. Of course, it's hard to
communicate because look how high the stakes are and look
how low the choices are. So in that scenario, I
would be like, what if we just tell you in
your own journal what's going on so that you can
just get to know yourself a little bit better. And
(30:57):
once we reveal that, then we can do we want
to bring any of that to the conversation between the
two of you, or do you just want to know
that this is the kind of lack of a better word,
baggage you're bringing into the marriage conversation. And it's okay
that you're going to bring baggage. Everyone does, but we
want to know what's in your suitcase if we can.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
The more that we get to know ourselves, I think
the easier it is to communicate and to work through
and have a successful relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Yeah know, and accept ourselves. And I always say accept
yourself for now, because like you can accept oh this
is where I'm starting, and I may change it. It's
not like acceptance forever I'm going to be like this,
but it's like, right now, this is where I am.
Speaker 3 (31:39):
And then when we.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Have that safety within ourselves, it's easier to do anything really.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, and helps totally with like confidence
as well and showing up for what you need and
asking for what you need and all of that. I'm
really curious if some how do you find some self
in a relationship having the same conversation over and over
again with their partner, what advice would you have to
(32:08):
give them?
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Yeah, I think it would really depend.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Like if it's just like a behavior that's annoying that
they wanted to change, I might actually just figure out
a way to be like, I love this person enough
to put up with this, and I'm gonna make it.
But if it's something that's like dangerous or threatening, I'd
have to know what it was. But then I would
work with them to be like, what is going on
in your brain that you're willing to put up with
this thing that's really threatening to you? And so the
(32:35):
more we can make it like and again, let's take
the threatening one off the table. But if it's just
something that's annoying, you're like, can you please well the dishwasher? Differently,
can you please come home? I don't know, something that's
not life threatening really is just bothersome I would just
consider how could we make this lighthearted, how could we
introduce some humor here? And if they're going to keep
(32:57):
doing that thing, how can you resource yourself around doing
something else? For example, like, my husband always likes to
check his email right when everyone gets in the car,
and I'm like, dude, we just got in the car,
we're all seat belted in. Why are you checking your
email right now? Drive the damn car? Is how it
feels to me.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
Oh my god, I was picturing him in the passenger
seat that would drive me.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Yeah, he sits in the park in driver's seat and wait,
waits to drive, And I'm like, why are you doing that?
But now I know, oh, he's probably gonna do that
because I think in his mind he's I'm leaving work,
I'm shutting down work person and turning on dad person,
and I'm in the car now, So this is like
my conditioned queue to do it. And so for that,
(33:39):
I'm like, Okay, he's probably not going to ever stop
doing that. So I'm gonna be like, hey, kids, dad's
gonna check his email. So make sure you brought your
book or a coloring or something like. Let's let dad
get in the car first and then we'll go join
him later. Like I can resource myself differently around something
that he's not doing to like piss me off. He's
not really even aware what's happening, and it's just condition
(34:00):
to response in him that I'm willing to put up with.
Speaker 3 (34:02):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
I feel like there's so many things that we can
do as individuals and in partnerships that really irritate the
other person. But once you realize that they're doing this
for a reason and don't take it so personal that oh,
he's doing this just to piss me off or whatever,
can help with those options that you're talking about, right.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Yes, And we're like, he's gonna do this, so now
what do I want to do? Because sometimes people come
to me and they're like, I've been told by coaches
that my husband can just do whatever he wants. And
I'm like, yep, and so can you. If he's doing
something that you don't want to be a part of,
then you can not get in the car yet, or
you can so many things, right, Because they usually say
(34:43):
to me, I guess I'm just supposed to put up
with whatever he wants to do, And I'm like, that's
one choice, you also have lots of other ones, and
that's where we get the most leverage.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
M I love that this is bringing up for me.
So in our connection call, you talked about confident companionship.
Do you want to talk more about that.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
Yeah, So, confident companionship means I've known myself really well,
Like I've done the work to figure out what my
values are, what's important to me, what's not important to me,
where I want to take the lead, where I want
him to take the lead. I'm knowing myself on an
ongoing basis enough to know that. And then companionship means,
like I trust I can lean into this and relax
(35:24):
into it sometimes like we were talking about before, where
it's not I'm just taking care of myself over here
and he's just taking care of himself over there. We've
figured out how to intertwine in a way that feels vulnerable,
but also anytime we need to pull back out, we can,
and it's there's lots of gradations of pulling out. Right,
this is not a very safe place to be if
(35:46):
you can't see me I have my hands like intertwined
in class, because then that means we've lost a lot
of our choices. This is not really safe either, because
then we've lost a lot of our connection. But if
we're just like right here and we're moving like, that's
what confident companionship is. He has his side, I have
his side, but there's definitely like this energy flowing between
us in a way that we manage on purpose.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
I love that so much. I feel like so in
my last relationship, I feel like my ex husband and
I were totally like this, like I was off doing
my own thing and he was just whatever, doing his
own thing. And yeah, in this relationship, so many people
have made comments on the flow of energy and I
can feel it, but it's not something that I knew
(36:30):
other people could see. So it's really it's just really
fascinating to be in a new relationship where there is
that flow and to experience it because it is it's
so powerful to find that healthy balance or like the
way of being together and coexisting together that supports each
(36:51):
individual and isn't just completely separate.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Yes, I like to give the visual of if you
were going to hang up a hammock, let's say, and
you had an oak tree on one side, and like
an aspen or like a weeping mellow or something, but essentially,
like a wimpier tree over here, got the strong one
and the wimpier one. The hammock's always gonna fall to
the side of the stronger tree. So the goal is
to have both of us be stronger trees, so the
(37:17):
hammock can swing between us and not end up on
the ground closer to the strong one. Which many people
socialized as women and they are used to being the
wimpier tree because they're like, we're supposed to just be
nice and pleasant and make sure everyone around if it's
taken care of. But what happens when we do that,
to like an overuse of that strategy is that the
(37:41):
hammock just lays.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
On the ground.
Speaker 1 (37:43):
It doesn't and it dies essentially. And so what we
want to do instead is, I'm going to make sure
that I'm happy first, that I'm cared for first, so
that way we can have that flow like you're talking about.
And it's so flattering and awesome that people are noticing
that because it is an attractive quality when we see
it in couples.
Speaker 2 (38:00):
Yeah, and it's really amazing how other people can really
detect that, and not just in people, but in relationships.
Speaker 3 (38:09):
Right.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
Yeah, So something that I've noticed is that, and I
just want to hear what you think about this. So
with the feminist movement, I feel like as women, we
know we're not here just to please. We know we're
not here just to this, and we have all this
knowledge of behaviors and tendencies we don't have to do anymore.
(38:32):
But I still find that a lot of women repeat
the same patterns of their ancestors of like generations before them,
and they might not even be aware that they're doing it.
What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker 1 (38:47):
I think very first, just because we don't have to
do something doesn't mean we would never choose to, so
I think, and I mean there's all gradations of the
feminist movement, but I think the most useful interpretation of
feminism is everyone chooses all the dishes. Franchise groups, women,
(39:08):
bipod all of them get to choose just as much
as like the in power groups. And so that might
mean that we choose to do similar things to what
our grandparents did, but with a different flavor. With the
I can choose flavor. So I think that's part of
the thing is we don't want to go so far too.
Speaker 3 (39:28):
I don't have to do that.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
I never should and if I do, then I failed.
That's not it. Also, like when we're threatened or when
we're tired, you go back to your own habits, and
so we must think something is at stay or we
might be too tired, and so we're just like, I'm
just going to do what I've seen.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
And I think you're right.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
It is an unconscious process sometimes, and so the goal
is really to bring.
Speaker 3 (39:48):
It to consciousness.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Yeah, I could help ming my husband help me do
the dishes right now, but I'm just I'm like tired,
so I'd rather just get it done or I'd rather
leave them right. But the point is that we're choosing,
and as long as that invisible, intangible choices in place,
I think feminism is alive.
Speaker 2 (40:03):
And well, if there's anything that I keep hearing in
this interview is like, it's choice, it's options, it's choosing
and getting behind the choice that you have instead of
wallowing in it or like wondering about it.
Speaker 3 (40:16):
Yeah, yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
Just really supporting yourself in what I think and feel
and value really matters. And I'm going to go first
to assert that declaration that what I think and feel
matters and I don't have to do it at my
husband or at men in general. But I'm just like
mind matters and so does yours. So now how are
we gonna play that game?
Speaker 2 (40:36):
Find a new way forward? I'm curious for all of
our I wanted to say entrepreneurs, but like my listeners,
tend to be high achievers, people who take on a lot.
Some of them have kids, some of them don't. But
I'm curious, what's one piece of advice for someone who
is looking to enjoy their marriage or their relationship, but
(40:57):
they have so much on their plate. What is like
one step or one piece of advice that you have
for them?
Speaker 1 (41:05):
Yeah, I think the one step or advice that you
could add to your plate being full already, it's just
be like whatever interval of time you want, like every day,
once a month, once a quarter, once an hour, whatever
it is is, let me just make sure I know
what I want. I always invite my people to say,
let's make a list of twenty five things that we
(41:26):
really want and post it somewhere, and then just make
sure that the decisions you're making day to day are
at least leading you closer to the things on your list.
So just having that guiding document is going to help
you make decisions more purposefully.
Speaker 2 (41:41):
Yeah, it's so common to just get swept away by
the busyness of life. I think that's probably where you
see people like thirty years into their marriage.
Speaker 3 (41:50):
Wait, where did that even go?
Speaker 2 (41:52):
Yeah? Where and where are we now? We're so far
from what we originally signed up for, what we dreamed
of once upon a time.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
I haven't even thought about what I wanted because if
I have these kids and they needed to go to
baseball or get their book report done or whatever, and
so of course those things are important, and we want
you to have a turn in whatever's going on in
your family. And I think it's so useful if you
do have kids, is to show not just your daughters,
(42:20):
of course, your daughters, but also your son's Hey, your
wife or your partner at some point, she's gonna have
a turn too. So we're going to normalize the turn
taking is a really motivating factor for a lot of women,
especially mothers, because they're like, I, of course want my
kids to have even more than what I had, and
so I'm going to teach them about wanting and taking
turns as though it's a normal process.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
I love that concept. If someone is listening to this
and they're resonating, how would they know if they need support.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
No, nobody needs support. I just think everybody is killing it.
And the reason I say that is because sometimes women
come to me and they're like, I think I'm just
the problem.
Speaker 3 (42:58):
I'm the reason everything's bad, and I'm like, no, that's
never true.
Speaker 1 (43:02):
Like everything, especially in families and relationships, exists in a system.
You're just part of the system, and possibly the strongest
part because you're the one seeking out support it.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
So good job you.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
So if you want support, I think is the most
important reason to get it right. And usually people come
to me because they're like, my husband is being a
giant jerk wuad and I don't have any choices because
I have these kids, or he pays like most of
the bills or something like that. And so if they're
(43:31):
feeling like I don't know, I'm stuck in a relationship
that I don't have any options in and I want
somebody to help me see what my options are, that's
a good indicator that me or someone like me might
be able to help you find those options. I really
love that.
Speaker 2 (43:45):
Very great. Thank you.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Curious if there's anything like if somebody wanted to connect
with you or get like a little taste for the
work that you do, where would they go?
Speaker 1 (43:58):
Yeah, so you can go to my webs candicetune dot
com Candace with An I Tune with An. Then there
is a free course that you can just get right
up on the right hand corner. There's also my book
wife on Purpose available for free download on my website,
and it also has a work book with it. So
if you wanted to take some time and think what
do I really want? That book and workbook will really
help you. You can also just message me on Instagram.
(44:21):
Candice Tune Coaching is my Instagram handle, and I'm happy
to talk to anyone in the DNS.
Speaker 3 (44:26):
Just be like, I have this question for you. What's
going on?
Speaker 2 (44:29):
Thank you?
Speaker 1 (44:29):
That would be fun awesome.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
Is there anything that you would like to leave our
listeners with any additional anything.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
Whenever I'm a guest on a podcast, I always like
to say, hey, if you listen on the podcast and
you want to try out coaching, I always give super
awesome bonus of six weeks of coaching for three hundred
bucks if you want so if you say, hey, I
heard you on Laurens podcast, you can just be like,
let's try it out, because we need to have a
little bit of time to get to know each other.
But I also don't want it to be like a
(44:57):
huge investment for you. Fun to just do that.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
Really great way of getting people to try coaching see
if it's a good fit while also making progress.
Speaker 1 (45:09):
Yeah, you're definitely going to get something useful by the
end of six weeks, and one of the things you'll
get is you'll know if you want to continue on
or if you want a different kind of support. So incredible,
it's nice to stop wondering.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
Yeah, amazing. Thank you so much for your time and
for being here and for answering these questions. I really
appreciate it, and for anyone listening. If you had any
questions from this episode, I do have a free Telegram
group where you can go and ask them. I can
pass them on, or we can do another episode, or
feel free to reach out and dm us individually. We
(45:42):
would love to hear what your takeaways are. And yeah,
we'll see you in the next episode. Thank you so
much for tuning into the podcast today. If you like
what you heard, I would love it if you left
a review. If you like my vibe, come and hang
with me in my Facebook or Telegram group. I'll drop
the link to my email list below, or you can
get instant access. Make sure you check the show notes
(46:03):
for any other links that I mentioned today, and until
next time, I'm sending you waves of abundance.
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