November 6, 2024 • 50 mins
In this episode of the Aligned and Magnetic podcast, Lauren Ashley sits with Hélène, a former Air Force captain and federal criminal investigator turned transformational coach. Hélène shares her unique journey from military life to coaching, explaining how she helps veterans and high-achieving professionals transition into more fulfilling lives by embracing self-expression, authenticity, and purpose. Through insightful stories and reflections, Hélène reveals the critical steps in reclaiming one’s identity and highlights the importance of vulnerability, personal power, and aligning with one’s true desires. This episode is perfect for anyone seeking to bridge structured career paths with a more purpose-driven and intentional life.
Episode Highlights:
Visit her website here: https://www.helenecanhelp.com/
Connect with Lauren on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachlaurenashley/ Join Lauren’s free podcast group and email Newsletter with business and mindset tips for success: https://coachlaurenashley.com/?tcb_lightbox=lightbox-homepage
Episode Highlights:
- Hélène's Path from Military Service to Coaching: What made her realize that "having it all" on paper wasn’t enough?
- The Shift from Serving Others to Wanting for Herself: The shocking process military folks go through when they leave.
- The process of reclaiming her personal power and why self-expression became central to her new path.
- Her approach to escaping the burnout cycle by choosing presence over productivity.
- The unlearning required to break free from old identities and patterns ingrained by military life.
- How she navigated the grief and growth of leaving behind a structured career and an old identity.
- Her journey of aligning with true purpose in both business and life, and the courage it took to fully step into it.
Visit her website here: https://www.helenecanhelp.com/
Connect with Lauren on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachlaurenashley/ Join Lauren’s free podcast group and email Newsletter with business and mindset tips for success: https://coachlaurenashley.com/?tcb_lightbox=lightbox-homepage
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We get told give a man of fish a lead
for a day, teach a man to fish, I'll lead
for a lifetime. And what the military folks want is
in that analogy, they're like, okay, they find these transition
resources and they're like, okay, just what kind of fishing
raw do I need? What kind of bait do I
need to put on the tackle? Like where should I
be fishing? What's the best river for it? How many
should I fish a day? And I try to step
(00:20):
in and the first question I asked them is like,
why the fuck are you fishing in the first place?
Do you even light fish?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Welcome to the Aligned and Magnetic Podcast. I'm your host,
Laura Ashley, Intuitive business coach certified by the International Coaching Federation,
and they call me the Money, Mindset and Manifestation Queen.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
I take a spiritual and practical approach.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
That's backed by neuroscience to help you make your vision
a reality, but more importantly, doing it.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
In a way that lights you the fuck up.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
If you're ready to create an aligned, meg netic and
profitable business so you can live a life and do
the work you are absolutely in love with, You're in
the right place. Get ready to hear the powerful questions
and raw lessons that you need to create success your way.
Thank you so much for being here. Let's dive in
Hi Loves. Welcome back to another episode of the Aligned
(01:20):
and Magnetic podcast. I'm so excited to bring this guest
on today and to interview her. Helene is a catalyst
for personal transformation. A former Air Force captain, federal criminal investigator,
and now professional certified coach, she brings a unique blend
of military resolve and emotional intelligence.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
To her practice.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Fueled by a passion for fulfillment, Helene has guided over
one hundred and fifty clients through major life transitions, empowering
them to unlock their true potential. Through her transformational coaching,
she combines cosmopolitan insight with academic rigor to help military
leaders reclaim their identity and successfully transition into a civilian
(02:05):
life they actually love. There's a common theme here with
doing things you actually love on this podcast. Rejecting toxic positivity,
Helene champion seeking pleasure over productivity and presence over perfection.
With audacity and compassion, she supports clients in overcoming overwhelm,
(02:25):
preventing burnout, and creating sustainable success.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
So welcome, Helene. I'm so excited to have you here.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Thank you, Lauren, thank you for having me. I'm excited
to be here. Just being in the same zoom room
with you is just a great start to the day. Frankly,
I love it.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
Yeah, So, Helene and I just.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
To give our listeners a bit of a background, we
connected at Tavana's Coaches Collective, a network filled with amazing
people doing really incredible work, and it takes the i
would say, heaviness out of networking. It's actually really fun
to go on there and see sometimes new, sometimes familiar faces.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
And just to build relationships.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And it's been actually really fun for me and I
get to meet people like you, So it's awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Absolutely, it's so key to have like another perspective on
what we're doing, because it's really fun to learn from
others in our field, but also to learn from other
people's experience. So yeah, I'm grateful that we met in
that collective as well.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Absolutely, And also like a lot of the time, people
will have opportunities that maybe we're looking for, right It's
Networking is such a big part of owning a business,
and I think I've resisted it for so long because
I've been in rooms of other people networking and.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I'm like, like, this does not feel like my people.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
But this is the first networking space I feel like
where I'm like, Okay, these people are are legit, Like
I like these people.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
So yeah, that's great. Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
So I'm super intrigued about your story. I know when
we connected one on one before booking our interview, we
really it's so funny because we really aligned on I
don't know if it necessarily like framework, but like our
pathways are similar but just in very different contexts.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
So can you tell us?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
And I'm so intrigued about the military, how you went
from military to being a coach, So can you tell
us about your backstory and where you're coming from.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Yeah, I was in military for eight years, active duty
in the Air Force, the US Air Force, and I
got out officially last July, so July of twenty twenty
three for the listeners who are listening later. And I
actually started coaching three years before I got out. And
what led me to that exposure. I think it's probably
(04:46):
common for a lot of other coaches. Right you start
off usually as a client of another coach, Right you
recognize ooh, this thing might serve me, and so I
it was the start of COVID really just right before
in twenty twenty, and I realized I peaked and checked
all of my boxes and I started panicking. So I
(05:06):
was like, Okay, I own the condo in LA I
have a doc at the time, I had a partner,
I had a six figure salary, I had a social life.
And I was sitting there like okay, but like, what's next,
what's my next box on this to do list of life?
Like you cannot tell me that I peaked at the
age of like twenty six, twenty seven, Like there's got
to be more to this. Why am I not feeling satisfied?
(05:29):
And then I friend of mine was having like a
little five day master class five day challenge, and I
wanted to just support her, and so I was like, yeah,
I'll be I'll sign up, I'll be a client, like
just me out of the kindness of my heart. And
by the end of it, I was like, you know what,
I like this way better than therapy, Like I love
the ownership piece. I love feeling I love being asked
questions that actually challenge me in ways I haven't been
(05:53):
challenged before, and so I signed on to be her
client for like six months to a year, which is
a really long time to do. But I was going
to be deployed for a whole year in Katar during COVID,
So I was like, this will be good for my
mental health and some capacity, even if I just take
an hour out of my day. And so as I
was being coached, as I was like taking on responsibility
(06:14):
healing my own staff, I came to the realization that
while I started as a client to figure out what
was next, what I actually learned and to avoid from
it was to embrace the uncertainty, and that was like
the best That's the best learning I could have gotten
from that. And naturally, when I was there, like in
(06:36):
this deployed environment, I noticed I was attracting more and
more people coming to me and asking for help. I thought, dang,
I wish I had tools to help them better. Because
my background is as a criminal investigator for the Air Force,
which means I love being curious. I do the job.
I did the job because I really liked the one
on one aspect. I loved asking questions, I loved getting
(06:57):
to know people. I wanted to make them feel comfortable
and save and vulnerable enough that they could tell me
the scary truth, whether they were a victim, whether they
were accused, whether they were witnessing something egregious. It was
really gnarly stuff, and so I took on. It was
really much a big point of pride and responsibility for
me to be like, Okay, let me make sure they
leave this interview the scariest day of their life better
(07:19):
than how they walked in. So I wanted to leverage
those skills in a way that supported people, not just
in defending themselves in a court of law, or not
in just sharing their tail and determining their having someone
else to turn their livelihood. I wanted to use those
skills in a way that allowed people to take the
truth about themselves and use it to better their own
(07:43):
livelihood and to actually make change for themselves in the
way that supported them and empowered them. So that's why
I started going through a lot of coach training while
I was deployed, I think, and now I have like
like thirteen certifications in different modalities, because I wanted every
tool in my toolkits so I could tackle and help
anyone who came my way and So by the time
(08:04):
I decided to get out of the military for different reasons,
I had already coached over six hundred hours. I had
already coach over one hundred and fifty people, and so
I had gotten my reps in as a coach. And
then when I got out, I was like, Okay, now
I need to get my repsin as an entrepreneur.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
A whole different ballgame, a.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Whole different ballgame and skill set for sure.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Wow, what a beautiful background. And it sounds like it
was such a natural transition from one thing to the other.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
And I love that.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Something that really stood out to me was your intention
of making people feel really good in a day that
could feel really daunting. I know, like for myself, whenever
I have to deal with like legal things, I like,
clam up, I'm like.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
What am I doing?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
And it is it's scary to like go through criminal
investigation is a whole different ballgame, but it's scary to
go through the So I love that you brought that
essence in from the get go, and it just speaks
to like, I guess how natural coaching presence comes to
you to begin with, because that's a really big part
of having a good coaching presence.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Right, So yeah, thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
So tell us more about when you were feeling like
you had checked all of the boxes. What was it
like for you to I don't know, be in that
time and then come into coaching and realize, oh maybe
there's well.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
I don't know, what was the realization.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Yeah, so I think again, I think it's typical with
most clients. But as a coach, I'm sure you resonate
with this where we want people to come to us
before they hit rock bottom, right, Like we don't. I
want like ten percent awareness of like that you want
to change your life, but I don't want you necessarily
to have to learn the lesson the hard way before
you beg for help. So I was that place where
(10:00):
I was recognizing I had just gone through like this
friendship breakup, and it put into perspective and it made
me question this social life and these friendships that I
had built. I was like, wait, if this is how
this ends, if this is the outcome of everything I
put my time and effort into. Was it really a
(10:22):
friendship that I was looking at or was it another
codependent relationship where I was bending over backwards? Emotionally and
catering and tiptoeing around this other person until it wasn't
tenable anymore. The same thing as my romantic partner. That
was a thing where literally after a kid almost two
and a half years of dating, we broke up because
(10:43):
he was like, I don't actually think I want to
make you happy. Wild, I would have thought that was
like a prerequisite for being in a relationship. And he's like, yeah,
I don't know that I like you. And I was
like again, Wild, but this wasn't These are things I
took for granted. But when I look back at it,
it wasn't at all they're doing. There's no blame on them, right.
(11:05):
The real blame was, like, oh, every it was those
relationships where every month I'd be like, are you sure
we're not incompatible? And he was like, we'll cross that
bridge when you get to it. And so at no
point was I actually listening to what I kept telling myself,
which is Helene, this is not a compatible relationship. Why
are you not making the move? And I kept delaying
and deferring my power to someone else making those decisions.
(11:25):
Same thing with the friendship breakup. So I noticed this
pattern of as confident and strong and independent of a
woman I was. I kept like the queathing my power
out of consideration for others. I didn't want to be
the bad guy. I didn't want to be mean, especially
in my closer relationships, and so working with a coach,
a lot of the realizations I had were how I
(11:48):
was choosing relationships that were codependent, not in the way
that people perceive of like please be nice to me,
please love me, please meet me, but it was more
I needed to be mean it. I didn't want to
be liked, care about being liked, but I did care
about making sure I was needed, And I inherently chose
dynamics and friendship and relationships where there was an inherent
(12:10):
power dynamic that I could derive and feel like a
little bit holier than now just by virtue of being
their friend. And that was a big wake up call
and noticing how much responsibility I was taking for everyone
in my life and how transactional I was still perceiving
my friendships as being I had a little bit of
a martyr complex. So those are like the big realizations
(12:33):
that I was coming to as I was starting to
work with that coach during that five day masterclass. So
I was like, I have all these things, and I'm
not feeling fulfilled or satisfied. And that was really the
wake up call that I needed.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Yeah, I love that and it's so interesting. Something that
stood out to me is like how we can be
so independent and yet the relationshipdynamics like yet so I
don't want to say dawcile, but so like just giving
away our needs for the sake of someone else's needs.
(13:12):
So it's very complex, how like human behavior kind of
comes to be thank you so much for sharing. So
I'm super curious about what some of the common obstacles
or challenges or themes that come up with your clients
(13:32):
when they're transitioning from military to creating a life that
they love.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Yeah, it's definitely a nuanced experience. But I think while
this might sound exclusive to the military, I think it's
true of any environment that you're in that you've been
in for a long time. So when I got out
of the military in July, I actually realized and started
comparing it to it's a lot more like a divorce
than it is quitting a job, because there are places
(13:59):
that you can can no longer go like you lose
access unless you become unless you retire after twenty years,
or unless you go into the reserves. You lose access
to your place of work. Like you cannot drive on
base anymore, you have to hand in your ID card.
So literally the place that you used to be able
to go into call home, you no longer have access to.
You can't email the people that used to email anymore,
(14:20):
you can't. You lose touch with them. People feel like
they lose community or they're afraid of losing that community
when they get out. And so there's that experience of
I am making the decision because it's the best decision
for me, yet I'm surprised at the fact that I
still have to grapple with all this grief, and so
I think that's what's important for me to make my
(14:43):
clients aware of, and like what I normalize first and
foremost for them is this notion that you may have
left a job you totally hated, this might be the
best decision ever, and you're totally motivated to go do
something different, and there's still going to be a ton
of grief that's going to hit you like a ton
of bricks, and you're not going to expect it, and
you're going to be confused and you're gonna judge yourself
(15:04):
for it again, much like leaving a bad, negative, toxic relationship,
whatever it may be. There's a part of you that
used to love that. There's a part of you that
wanted you to join the military. There's a part of
you that liked that relationship that you had, and so
it's grieving that old version of yourself that used to
tether so much of your identity to that experience. So
(15:24):
that's like the first thing I help them with is
holding space for that grief. And I was talking to
a client about what you know. I was asking them
for feedback as I do, and just making sure, you
know that they were enjoying the experience. And they said, Helene,
you don't just give us like help us understand what
(15:45):
we want. You don't just help us figure out what
we want to do next. You give us permission to
want things for ourselves again. And I really had to
sit with that because I was like, Yeah, that is
one of the biggest things you sacrifice in the middle
military is the desire to do what you want to do.
A lot of people join the military because they want
(16:06):
to fulfill a sense of duty, whether it's obligation, whether
it's service of others. Right, there's a natural need to sacrifice.
Even the Air Force is one of their core values
is service before self. Right. So when you live a decade,
even four years, five years, or twenty years with that
being instilled in you, how the heck are you supposed
(16:28):
to know what you want to do next? You have
stopped listening to your own internal compass. You've been told
shut up in color, which I don't know if if
it's afraid that translates to anyone outside of the military,
but it's very much what it sounds like, of like,
do it because I said so, and so I really
help them with rediscovering what they want because they usually
(16:49):
come to me feeling like they've lost their drive, they've
lost their purpose of feeling very confused and overwhelmed because
every there's six thousand resources that get dumped on them
that they could access to help them transition. It'll teach
them how to write a resume, it'll teach them how
to apply for a job, it'll teach them how to interview.
But no one's stopping and asking them, for what purpose
are you actually doing this like what's actually important to
(17:11):
you about what you do next? So they try to
fill this void very quickly to match their salary to
get in their job, and then they don't stop to
actually stop and think, Okay, am I just jumping onto
another hamster wheel that leads nowhere because I'm so used
to running in place? Or do I actually want to
do something that I want to do? And remember who
I am beneath the uniform once I've shed it.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
That's so powerful and it reminds me of the work
that I do with entrepreneurs because it's the same, right,
all of a sudden, Okay, well not all of a sudden.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Usually there's a little lead up to it.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
But okay, you decide you want to be an entrepreneur,
and there's so many courses, there's so much information out there,
and my whole thing is that information is nice, but
how does it apply to you?
Speaker 3 (17:56):
How does it apply to your goals?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
There's just so much more there that needs to be
explored if you don't want to continue repeating the same
patterns and like falling on that hamster wheel and everything.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
So yeah, really.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Awesome that you do that, and that you help to
apply the information to them. So I'm curious about because
you had mentioned on our connection call that military folks
want to be told what they're good at, and they
don't actually take the time to think about, well do
(18:30):
I actually want that? So what's that process like for
you and what helps you to help them to discover
what they want?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah, excellent question. I'll try to be as clear as
possible in answering it. It was a bit of a
stacked question, for sure. I also ask a lot of
stacked questions. I'm so excited to know all the things.
So the first thing that comes to mind, right, is
this analogy that I used to describe the process, which
is we get told give a man a fish to
lead for a day, teach a man to fish lead
(19:02):
for a lifetime. And what the military folks want is
in that analogy. They're like, okay, they find these transition
resources and they're like, okay, just what kind of fishing
row do I need? What kind of bait do I
need to put on the tackle? Like where should I
be fishing, what's the best river for it? How many
should I fish a day? And I try to step
in and the first question I ask them is like
why the fuck are you fishing in the first place?
(19:23):
Do you even like fish? Even like you don't even
like what are you doing here? Why fish in the
first place? You were told that's what you had to do,
but you don't even like that. So why are you
spending all this time and energy on something that you're
told you will be good at or told that you
are supposed to do without ever actually checking in with
whether that's something you want and whether that aligns with
(19:45):
who you were before you started this journey. So, in
terms of how do I take them through that, I
think one of the first things I do is and
it's the hardest question they ever have to answer, Right,
It's the first time I ask of like, what do
you want by the end of our time work together?
And all of them so far always cy confidence, which
(20:05):
is probably something we don't expect when you talk to
like big, strong military leaders, But they define confidence as
truly being comfortable and decisive in whatever they do. Again,
I wasn't expecting military folks to think they're indecisive, but
they feel indecisive because they set their expectations for themselves
so high that it puts the pressure on every decision
(20:28):
they make. Right, they've learned every decision you make could
impact ten, twenty hundreds of people. And so they're in
this analysis paralysis day to day. And then in their
own life they're like, they know how to look at consequences,
but they have stopped looking for opportunities and hope and
what the possibilities are of those things. So when they
(20:51):
tell me they want confidence, when they tell me they
want to feel like purpose again, and they want community,
what I work on is helping them figure out, Okay,
not just what's important to you about all those things,
but if you had those things, who would you be?
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Like?
Speaker 1 (21:08):
What would be your qualities and characteristics? But your best
on your best day, when you feel the most comfortable
even today, when you feel like you can just be yourself?
Who are you in those moments? And one they rarely
site when they're at work, that's not this is never
a time when they're setting I'm at my best. When
I'm at work and doing this, I'm like, no, like
when I'm at home, when I'm in the woods and
(21:29):
I'm with my family, Here's who i want to be.
And so having them kind of anchor into those qualities
and characteristics and setting that as the goal in the
future of saying, hey, this is you underneath all of
the layers that have been caked on, all the social expectations,
of social constructs, the contracts that you've literally signed and
(21:51):
like figuratively signed by being in the military. It's a
lot of unlearning the stuff that no longer serves them.
And so a lot of my work, as I'm sure
with yours too, is just like what did you hear
and what did you take it to me? And do
we still need to believe that? Is that actually serving
or can we swap that out for beliefs that actually
(22:11):
serves you? Let me know if I didn't answer your
question fully, because I know there were like three questions
in there, and I may have third one.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
I don't even remember what my questions were at this point,
So that was perfect. The great thing about me is
I'll ask questions and wherever the conversation goes, I go
with you.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
It's perfect.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, I agree, you're lovely in that regard.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Now I have to remember, yes, Okay, So I was
drawing parallels because it's so interesting, Like I can totally
see how I'm going to use the word indoctrination from
the military can create that mentality. And it's fascinating because
I even see bits of this mentality in my own
clients who've never even been in the military. But I
(22:54):
imagine it's probably so much greater of a like a
presence or a mindset with military folks. And I'm curious, like,
just based on your own experience, how much work is
involved or how much time does it It's going to
depend on each client, I know, but how much time
does it take on average to really undo this I
(23:17):
guess military thinking and really come into their own and
calling in what they want for themselves.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yeah, I think that's a really important question that I
think even clients would have, right how long? And it depends,
frankly on at what point they start working with me,
because like I mentioned before, I think it's true of
all clients, right, we don't want them to have hit
rock bottom, But if they've already hit rock bottom, it's
really fast. If you're like already burnt out, pissed off, overwhelmed,
(23:46):
hitting the organization like sure I can, that's not going
to take a long time because you're already recognizing that
you've been indoctrinated and you don't want it anymore, but
you might not be taking ownership for your part in it,
so then that the work is like might take a
little bit longer, But in general, I work with my
clients in a three week container over ten to twelve hours,
(24:09):
so it's a very concentrated, intense experience, and we focus
on like that one big thing that they want at
the end of it, those things that tend to be
first and foremost, like reconnecting to their sense of self expression,
which is a thing the military like punishes you for
having the most. Frankly, you can't speak your mind. You can't,
you know, you very rarely, not truly. You can't wear
(24:30):
what you want. You can't if you wanted to protest,
you couldn't necessarily do that. If you want to talk
about how you vote, you could do that. If you
wanted to complain or even just like petition or anything,
you can't sue the government, Like, there are lots of
things that they deplete you have a certain amount of
power that they tell you is not important because it's
for the sake of the greater good. So helping them
rediscover their self expression and kind of craft the blank
(24:52):
slate for themselves, so they can start anew and like
clear the canvas so they can be like you can
paint anything on this, you can be you can start fresh. Truly,
that takes three weeks. It might take a little longer
if they haven't if I've had clients in the past,
I don't attract these anymore, but who don't have a
sense of like a deeper emotional intelligence. And so when
(25:13):
I'm like, how do you feel? Like how does that
make you feel? And I say badly, like, okay, we
need a couple of work. I need to add a
couple of weeks to this, because here's an emotion wheel
and remember how you feel. But that's not who I've
been attracting. I've been attracting gratefully people who are like
something's amiss, like like there's blood in the water. I
don't this is not my vibe. But I don't know
(25:35):
what to do next, and that's keeping me stuck where
I am. Right. It's like if I knew it was next,
I wouldn't be here. But because I don't know what's next,
I need a little support in feeling comfortable. And they
could choose to stay in because I'm still helping them,
like find a way to self express regardless of where
they are, so they can belong wherever they go. But yeah,
(25:55):
so I work with them a three week container and
then I just have a I just launched a seven
month program which is I call it Mission GTFO, which
for the kids at home, it's Get that Freedom On.
For everyone who knows anything, it's the fuck because the
reason I didn't just make it get the fuck out
is frankly, because I don't care if they ask to
(26:18):
work with me and they're like a year out from
when they might be wanting to get out of six
months before they want to get out, and they work
with me and they choose to stay in. That doesn't
matter to me. It might not even matter to them
because what's important is like, are you doing what you
want to be doing? And that's what I help them
figure out. So it might be, Hey, I'm choosing to
stay in a little bit longer because I'm stationed close
(26:38):
to my family right now, and I'm building the blocks
to move on and express my freedom in other ways.
So that's why I kept Get that Freedom On, because
that's really what I'm helping them redefine, is like you
can find and rekindle passion and freedom in an environment
that is otherwise and indoctrinated you to be rigid and
restricted on your self expression. So the seven month program
(26:59):
is just they still get the one on one time,
but then there are additional workshops and I take them
through like my five p's of Personal Power, and they
get two different group coaching opportunities as well, So it
gives them, it helps them build that community in that
off ramp for they're ready to be like, Okay, I
know this is the right choice and I want the
(27:20):
proper scaffolding as I'm transitioning out.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
I love that's something that you said, personal power, and
that was really shining through in what you're saying, because
you know, it doesn't matter ultimately whether we're talking military,
whether we're talking about like a job you hate, like,
as long as you can find and get clear on
I guess your intentions of being there, right. Like I
work with some clients who are still working at nine
(27:45):
to five and they're like, well, I hate my nine
to five. I hate my nine to five. I hate
my nine to five, And it's like, okay, well you
could leave your nine to five if you wanted to,
But what are the reasons you're saying. And I think
once we can find that resolve and that like take
back our power we're in the sense that we are
making the decision to stay for reasons, it just frees
up so much like resistance, Like it gets rid of
(28:09):
so much emotional and like mental heaviness that we feel
because we feel like restricted or like we don't have
freedom when actually we do have freedom because we're choosing
to stay.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
That's brilliantly you just shared about.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
I don't know where that rand came from.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
It's perfect. We're talking about like, regardless of what they
actually end up doing, helping them own that they're doing
what they want, whether they admit themselves or not, is
like the biggest thing. Like I'm a big proponent of
everything we do has an unconscious motivation behind it, even
in our worst habits. There's a reason we're still doing it.
You might not make a reason, you might not like
(28:47):
that reason, but you're stuck on this programming and so
helping people see that is so tough. I was wondering, Lauren, like,
just what is from what I've said so far, Like,
what is one of the common life transition sticky points
that you would notice between your entpreneur clients and the
military folks, like, what are you hearing so far that
(29:08):
they have in common?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
I would definitely say pretty much a lot of things
when it comes to defining what do I want, I
think on a general sense of society, not just military,
but I feel like a lot of people since starting
in school, we get told what to do and how
(29:32):
to do things. And I know, I feel like you
would know this because you've done significant coach training, but
we were taught to stop asking questions and to just
learn the material and if you have a question, well,
here's the right answer. And there was no really opportunity
for challenging or like well what about this, or like
(29:53):
asking those curious questions. They just get shut down. And
then we get told like, oh, well, if you go
to university and if you go here, and if you
go there and get this job, then you'll be successful
and financially free. But then my clients find that, well,
actually I didn't love that, like it wasn't fulfilling or yeah,
I just like it wasn't what I thought it was.
(30:15):
So I think in that sense it's definitely related. The
other thing that I heard too, was the yeah, just
starting to ask those questions for themselves and redefining, not redefining,
but really getting clear on what their values are and
what they want to create. And then something that I
also coach my clients on is like, okay, well, how
(30:36):
do we become that now? Like, despite your conditions of
feeling restricted, despite your conditions of feeling this, and that
person did this, and so that made me feel this way,
Like okay, let's hold space for that.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
But then how do we want to be through that?
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Because we can't change what other people do or what
other people say to us. We can all only change
how we feel. So we can either choose that to
let We can either choose to allow that to impact
our day, our week or month, like how we exist,
or we can look to like, okay, well, I often
(31:15):
refer to higher self, So like, what is my higher
self say? How does my higher self act? How does
my higher self respond in these situations knowing that this
over here is actually where we're headed and this where
we're at is just temporary? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Absolutely makes perfect sense to me.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
We speak the same language I do.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yeah, And so it's funny because, like you mentioned, higher self.
I know what that is, but it's something I actually
cautious with when I'm when you work with different clientele, right,
I know this, like kailways, Katy your language, Like I
don't know what higher self means because I've been doing
a lot of work, right, But it's like when I'm
talking to military folks, if I were like I think
it's one of the reasons I finally accepted to work
with the military folks, like intentionally, because I was coaching
(32:00):
literally everyone from sixteen year olds to like eighty five
year old. Yeah, I wonder all the experience I wanted
to coach everybody, and I finally got to a place
where it's like, Okay, I'm willing to work with the
military folks again. Intentionally because that's one who I'd been
coaching by virtue of word of mouth anyway, but also
because I one of the things I try to do
(32:23):
best is when I started coaching, like, if you'd come
at me with like what I notice when I say
this phrase, but it's always hard but more like holistic
or lou kind of language.
Speaker 3 (32:32):
It goes like right over your head.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
If you'd come at me like I didn't know what
I'm into it, Like I was like, intuition, what the
fuck are you talking about? Like when I first started,
And I have to remember I have to communicate to
that version of myself. Yeah, like I was hoodwinked into
suddenly like like meditating and believing the higher self and
like my more of a spiritual connection. But I like
that I can still speak the jargon and connect with
(32:56):
maybe the more analytical, literal minded. They still have very
strong blinders on and so if I come at them
with like any kind of spiritual or esoteric concept and.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Be like the fuck are you talking about lady?
Speaker 1 (33:09):
So, but it's fun because I love that it's it's
definitely it's always a both, and it's just sometimes like
which do you tackle first?
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, I just see you over there, like this is
where we're actually going.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yeah exactly. When someone gets me, when I get a text,
it's like, hey, your meditation just like got me through
like my week, like and I listen to like you
anytime I feel overwhelmed, I'm like yes, but if I hey,
you get a free meditation to be like no, I'm
going to go do an ice bath and like it's
a dude with no shirt on told me that was
a good idea for me to be tough, and I'm like,
(33:43):
you don't need to be tougher, you need to be softer, guys,
that's not the issue.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
I applaud you for like remembering where you were and
being able to still communicate to that my brain. I
feel like, I think this might be related to human
but I have an open mind, so my memory of
like back then, I'm like, I don't even know what
I was thinking or going through, although I think I
(34:09):
always had a sense of like intuition. My mom's a
professional coach and she runs a coaching academy, so I
heard her say things like intuition, and I always had
like a interest in positive psychology and meditation.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
I always tried those things.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Though, and it didn't really work for me, so it
was like meditation whatever, But there was still something there
that I was like, Okay, you know, so, yeah, definitely
I love that you can still speak to those past
versions of you and connect because you're right, it's you know,
so many people on this planet. We speak different languages,
and it always amazes me that we're all living such
(34:51):
different experiences. My experience is so unique to me and
yours and when I think about it that way, it's
just it's mind blowing that people don't know everything that
I know, and vice versa, that I don't know everything
that you know and everyone else in the world anyway,
it's just yeah, very interesting.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
No, I love that, and I love that you. I
didn't know about your mom, so I love that you
kind of have a full circle experience. That's really cool.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Yeah. We actually teach together now in her Coach Training Academy,
which is really cool, and we help people become certified coaches,
which is just a fun thing to do.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
On the side, I really love teaching coaching skills. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
So I remember in our connection call, this question has
been like looking at me. You were talking about the
first time that you were vulnerable and the power behind
being vulnerable.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
Do you feel called to share a little bit about
that experience?
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Yeah? Absolutely So. Remember how at the start I said, like,
how far back in the origin story do we go?
And the truth is I wouldn't have ever sought help
from a coach if I hadn't years prior. I'm trying
to do the math, but it shouldn't matter. It was
six years prior, so when I first started working with
a coach. I had this life changing experience of my
(36:09):
mother passing away. So I was I hadn't even turned
I was twenty years old. I think we've been nineteen
going or twenty. And my mom passed away when I
was abroad in a foreign country doing it studying. I
was volunteering at an orphanage in Tanzania, and she passed away,
and I knew she was like on I knew that
(36:31):
she'd been told that she wasn't going a little long time,
and my relationship with her was solid, and she was
very much like my best friend growing up, truly a
codependent relationship in there. But when she died, I definitely
had an oh shit moment. Not because I was like, oh, no,
I regret and I'm so I wish I'd had a
better last conversation. None of that. I was opened up
(36:54):
by the fact that I realized I had a lot
of feelings about the family I had left and not
being comfortable with that, not really finding anywhere safe to
be vulnerable. And I realized the only person that I
would have felt comfortable talking to about the fact that
my mom had died was my mom, and she was gone.
(37:14):
So I was stuck in this deep pit of what
the fuck? And I was crying uncontrolled, uncontrollably, and I
couldn't like stop. And at the time I was someone
who had never cried in public. No one knew how
to give me help because I very much had the
reputation as the strong one who helps everybody else. And
so it took six seven months before I was like, Okay,
(37:36):
I can't keep crying myself to sleep, Like my roommate
is wonderful, but she doesn't deserve to hear me crying
myself to sleep every night because I was trying so
hard to just deal with this myself and I didn't
know how, and I finally reached out for help. But
my university had a grief counseling program, and luckily they
had a group grief counseling program, and I classic little
martyr me, I was like, well, at least if I
(37:57):
do it in a group, maybe my presence can help them, right,
Like I was like, still justifying, classic, like maybe I
can help others and that'll get me in the door.
And of course, lo and thehold. It helped me tremendously
because what I learned very experientially, right is that vulnerability
begets vulnerability, and shame dies in vulnerable spaces. So it
(38:20):
created my true first safe space, and realizing, oh, you
can't have a safe community, you can create a sacred
space where the more I talk about something and just
being able to share it and be seen and heard
and understood was instrumental in my healing journey. And my
friends even months later were like, hey, Helen, We're sorry,
(38:41):
Like we didn't know how to be there for you
because you were always the strong one, Like we did
not know how to help you, and I didn't know
how to ask for help. So my biggest lesson when
my mom passed away was really like recognizing the hardest
thing I ever had to do was ask for help,
and the most powerful thing I ever did was choose
to be vulnerable. And from that point on, I began
(39:04):
this journey of like tackling my vulnerability and doing it
in such a way that I saw it as a
superpower and not like a vulnerability and weakness, because it's
so transformative and I think it's inspiring. So yeah, and
also like deciding to be vulnerable and then going and
joining the military is not like necessarily agree people don't
(39:26):
love vulnerability in the military, as it turns out, right
because they really see it as like a weakness and they're.
Speaker 3 (39:30):
Like, yeah, you goofball, Yeah totally.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
It's so fascinating. Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 2 (39:38):
And I'm so curious because I can relate to you
that I also feel like I'm always the strong one.
I'm always the one that's like helping others. I'm always
I noticed like a lot of people will come to me,
and I remember when going through my divorce, I felt
like no one was checking in on me, and I
was like, what the fuck, Like, where are all of
(39:58):
my friends at Like, does no one ca that I
might be, like, you know, going through a hot ass
emotional mess right now? Although I was, It's so interesting
because I was super happy at the same time. And
that's something actually I wanted to bring up earlier when
you were talking about leaving the military, because there's even
though you're determined and your mind is made up, and
(40:19):
even though like you might have a happier life on
the other side, there's still a huge emotional process to
go through. And that's exactly what was the case for me.
I was super happy with my new life, but my
emotional and arguably my mental state, I feel like was
in shambles. And those are situations where I grew up
(40:40):
with this mentality being shared of like mind over matter, right,
And it's like, well, those are moments where if you
look on a holistic level, you can't just out mindset
your emotions. You can't just like like, oh, those don't exist.
It's fine, Like let's just go be happy. It's you
(41:00):
have to give space for the emotional body, the spiritual body,
the mental body, the physical body for us to be
able to fully heal and move forward. Otherwise we're just
stuffing stuff down. So yeah, anyway, I thought that was
interesting and relatable. So I'm curious, as a fellow strong
person who struggles to ask for help, how do you
(41:24):
ensure or not ensure, but how do you, I don't know,
make sure that you're not being that strong person all
the time and that you're getting the support that you need.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Frankly, Lauren, it's a journey, Like I still had to
practice that and push myself to do it. Two weeks
ago when I asked two of my closest friends and
I was like, hey, here's my new landing page, Like
I'm not in a place right now for critical feedback
is normally I don't mind that, but I was like,
can you just give me encouragement please, because that's something
(41:55):
I realized I don't get a lot of intuitively, right,
I think, I'm sure I don't enough. You experienced this
as like a fellow confident, strong woman vibe, but it's like,
like give us compliments or give us reassurance because and
also as an entrepreneur, I think that compounds it because
no one's giving an entrepreneur reassurance because no one's like
seeing what we do day to day and everything that
(42:16):
happens behind the scenes that we really want someone to
tell us you're doing a good job, and no one
sees all that shit, Like I even this podcast. I
know all the work is not this conversations, everything that
comes before and after, and no one see that, So
no one can ever compliment you or give you praise
on that. So I think there's that compounding factor. So
the last time, most recent time I had asked for
help was me literally asking my friends, Hey, can you
(42:37):
give me some encouraging words? Can you pipe me up? Like,
because at the time I was feeling burnt out from
good things and bad things because it's all happening at once.
And through this journey one, my tolerance for burnout has lessened,
not increased. So used to be like I can handle anything,
give it all to me, and I'm like no, I like,
(42:58):
I'm more sensitive now and that's a good thing. So
that means now I have to ask for help sooner. Yeah,
But when I first started practicing asking for help, it
was gonna sound really silly, and it might not sound
like asking for help, but it was when I was
in these interviews with these people as a criminel investigator,
I would delay going to the bathroom. Some of these
(43:19):
interviews a really four hours long, and I'd have to
go to the bathroom and I would just hold it
because I was like, what if I break orport by
going to the bathroom? What if like suddenly I asked
to pause and then they're not comfortable anymore. And one
day I had someone like say, someone I was interviewing,
They're like, hey, do you mind if we take a
break and go use the bathroom? And I was in
my head, I was like, oh, thank god. But in
my head I was like they could do it, and
(43:40):
they're in the scared seated position right now being interviewed, like,
of course we could go take a bathroom break. And
I learned that if I reframed something, if I say
something at the beginning of that conversation, say hey, at
any point in time, you and I can ask for
a break. Either was going to ask you about the
bathroom just let me know. If I had let people
know ahead of time, Hey, I'm I ask you for help, Hey,
(44:01):
I might need help with this later, it makes the
actual asking of support a lot easier. But that's where
I started. I start with asking for back and break
in a professional job where I held all the power
technically in that dynamic. So that's how far I had
to come. Yeah, yeah, So that's really how I try
to do it and leverage it is pre framing, letting
(44:24):
people know, hey, this might be something that I need,
and also phrasing it in the form of a question
right like do you have space for this right now?
Are you in a place to help or having multiple
people in the community. That was something I to deal
with when I was very much experiencing for passion fatigue
in the desert, when people are coming to me for help,
I realized all my friends like a lot of my
friends were going through crap, so I felt like I
(44:46):
couldn't turn to them for help and support. Yeah, and
so having multiple people where it became like a circle,
so it wasn't everyone leaning on me, It was like, okay,
Like if they're all leaning on each other, then there's
one person I can maybe lean on and they can
lean on someone else and that's supportive. The last thing
I'll say is get a professional like, yeah, therapist, certified coach,
(45:08):
Like if you really feel like there's no one that
you can turn to in your media environment and feel
safe to ask for help, Like, the hardest thing you're
ever going to do is schedule that call, that first
curiosity call, that first discovery call, that first appointment. That's
the bravest thing you're ever going to do. It's the
most courageous thing you're ever going to do. If you
can find a way to rip that band aid off
without having hit rock bottom first, that's a true investment
(45:28):
in your future mental health. So if you feel like
no one around you supportive and you can't ask anyone
else for help, start there with someone who justify it
in your head, saying they get paid to do this, right,
that's what I did. I was like, they're getting paid
to help me, so.
Speaker 3 (45:43):
We're good, We're fair. Yeah. I love that. Thank you
for sharing.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
I'm sure a lot of listeners will be able to
relate because we tend to attract the people that are
most like us. So I know that there's other strong
leaders women in listening to the podcast, and yeah, I
think that's a really big just like a big takeaway.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
I had to reach out to a friend yesterday.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
I finished work and I had like a mental breakdown
and I was like, I need to book an online
session with you, please, and she was like, okay, send
me in a voice note so that I know like
where you're at and.
Speaker 3 (46:17):
I can prepare.
Speaker 2 (46:17):
And I was like, well, I just feel like i'm
hitting my breaking point.
Speaker 3 (46:21):
So that's it. Bye, So loved.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
You're not laughing at you, it's just.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Like, yeah, So anyway, it's super helpful to have connects.
And also like, if you've never done the work before,
just yeah, reach out and I don't know, do like
research and start looking into it because it's so life
changing to have the support. And I'm a huge believer
that we can't do everything on our own and we're
(46:51):
living in a society that's very individualistic, and it's not
the way that humans or mammals were designed to live.
So this has been such a great conversation, and I
feel like I have so many more questions and things
that we.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
Could dive into, but I'll leave it for now.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
My last question to you is what does alignment mean
to you?
Speaker 1 (47:14):
Yeah, So alignment to me is being congruent with what
I'm doing, what I'm saying, what I'm feeling, being honest
in that self expression, and ensuring all those things are
rooted in my values, and knowing that those values can change. Right.
(47:35):
So it's not this permanent thing. And my alignment today
is not what aligned to look like five years ago.
It's not what aligned is going to look like five
years from now. And so I just not click when
I say values. I really need my unconscious priorities, right,
Like I decided to move here and live with family
because family was a big value for me. That was
not a value for me for the last thirty years
(47:56):
of my life until two years ago. So every decision
I made from their felt like I was in alignment
because it was rooted from a place of is this
scratching the itch of what's most important to me and
is everything I do from my behavior, my actions, my words,
my choices. Is that congruent? Is that lining up with
(48:17):
what I actually want most in this moment, not necessarily forever,
but in this moment. So yeah, alignment is really and
that's a feeling of groundness, right when you're like, I'm
not nervous, I'm not anxious, I'm not worried, I'm not
in the future, I'm not in the past. I'm actually
present to what I'm feeling. You can be aligned to
the millisecond, in my opinion, matter of being present and
(48:39):
being aware of where you're at and making your next
step being based on where you are and not just
where you think you should be or where you've been
in the past.
Speaker 2 (48:48):
Right, Yeah, I love that because that the word presence
was really coming through as you were explaining. And then
just like owning where you're at, honoring where you're at
is so huge as well to be able to work
through those moments, to be able to get to the
other side. So thank you so much for sharing, Thank
you for being here. I'm going to post your links
(49:09):
in the show notes.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
Is there anything that you want to Highlight for us.
Speaker 1 (49:14):
No, you can find me at Helene can help h
l E ny cin HLP. If you just google that,
you'll find my Instagram, which is a great way of
like getting to know me and to me be goofy
for no reason.
Speaker 3 (49:25):
You post great content, so I definitely recommend following.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
It's definitely atypical sometimes I'm like, this is very much
off the cuff, lots of metaphors. Yeah, so that's a
great way of like getting me following along. You can
also find my website for more information. But that's really it.
I just want to thank you so much, Lauren for
having me.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
Thank you for being here and for being vulnerable and
sharing your story. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (49:49):
It's how we build connections, how we build community right,
absolutely thing about it. So thank you for being curious
and asking questions and creating a space for me to share.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
I'm really yeah, I'm so grateful for you too. Thank
you and.
Speaker 2 (50:03):
We'll see you in the next episode. Thank you so
much for tuning into the podcast today. If you like
what you heard, I would love it if you left
a review. If you like my vibe, come and hang
with me in my Facebook or Telegram group. I'll drop
the link to my email list below, or you can
get instant access. Make sure you check the show notes
for any other links that I mentioned today, and until
(50:26):
next time, I'm sending you waves of abundance.
We get told give a man of fish a lead
for a day, teach a man to fish, I'll lead
for a lifetime. And what the military folks want is
in that analogy, they're like, okay, they find these transition
resources and they're like, okay, just what kind of fishing
raw do I need? What kind of bait do I
need to put on the tackle? Like where should I
be fishing? What's the best river for it? How many
should I fish a day? And I try to step
(00:20):
in and the first question I asked them is like,
why the fuck are you fishing in the first place?
Do you even light fish?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Welcome to the Aligned and Magnetic Podcast. I'm your host,
Laura Ashley, Intuitive business coach certified by the International Coaching Federation,
and they call me the Money, Mindset and Manifestation Queen.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
I take a spiritual and practical approach.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
That's backed by neuroscience to help you make your vision
a reality, but more importantly, doing it.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
In a way that lights you the fuck up.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
If you're ready to create an aligned, meg netic and
profitable business so you can live a life and do
the work you are absolutely in love with, You're in
the right place. Get ready to hear the powerful questions
and raw lessons that you need to create success your way.
Thank you so much for being here. Let's dive in
Hi Loves. Welcome back to another episode of the Aligned
(01:20):
and Magnetic podcast. I'm so excited to bring this guest
on today and to interview her. Helene is a catalyst
for personal transformation. A former Air Force captain, federal criminal investigator,
and now professional certified coach, she brings a unique blend
of military resolve and emotional intelligence.
Speaker 3 (01:42):
To her practice.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Fueled by a passion for fulfillment, Helene has guided over
one hundred and fifty clients through major life transitions, empowering
them to unlock their true potential. Through her transformational coaching,
she combines cosmopolitan insight with academic rigor to help military
leaders reclaim their identity and successfully transition into a civilian
(02:05):
life they actually love. There's a common theme here with
doing things you actually love on this podcast. Rejecting toxic positivity,
Helene champion seeking pleasure over productivity and presence over perfection.
With audacity and compassion, she supports clients in overcoming overwhelm,
(02:25):
preventing burnout, and creating sustainable success.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
So welcome, Helene. I'm so excited to have you here.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Thank you, Lauren, thank you for having me. I'm excited
to be here. Just being in the same zoom room
with you is just a great start to the day. Frankly,
I love it.
Speaker 3 (02:42):
Yeah, So, Helene and I just.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
To give our listeners a bit of a background, we
connected at Tavana's Coaches Collective, a network filled with amazing
people doing really incredible work, and it takes the i
would say, heaviness out of networking. It's actually really fun
to go on there and see sometimes new, sometimes familiar faces.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
And just to build relationships.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
And it's been actually really fun for me and I
get to meet people like you, So it's awesome.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Absolutely, it's so key to have like another perspective on
what we're doing, because it's really fun to learn from
others in our field, but also to learn from other
people's experience. So yeah, I'm grateful that we met in
that collective as well.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Absolutely, And also like a lot of the time, people
will have opportunities that maybe we're looking for, right It's
Networking is such a big part of owning a business,
and I think I've resisted it for so long because
I've been in rooms of other people networking and.
Speaker 3 (03:41):
I'm like, like, this does not feel like my people.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
But this is the first networking space I feel like
where I'm like, Okay, these people are are legit, Like
I like these people.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
So yeah, that's great. Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
So I'm super intrigued about your story. I know when
we connected one on one before booking our interview, we
really it's so funny because we really aligned on I
don't know if it necessarily like framework, but like our
pathways are similar but just in very different contexts.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
So can you tell us?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
And I'm so intrigued about the military, how you went
from military to being a coach, So can you tell
us about your backstory and where you're coming from.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Yeah, I was in military for eight years, active duty
in the Air Force, the US Air Force, and I
got out officially last July, so July of twenty twenty
three for the listeners who are listening later. And I
actually started coaching three years before I got out. And
what led me to that exposure. I think it's probably
(04:46):
common for a lot of other coaches. Right you start
off usually as a client of another coach, Right you
recognize ooh, this thing might serve me, and so I
it was the start of COVID really just right before
in twenty twenty, and I realized I peaked and checked
all of my boxes and I started panicking. So I
(05:06):
was like, Okay, I own the condo in LA I
have a doc at the time, I had a partner,
I had a six figure salary, I had a social life.
And I was sitting there like okay, but like, what's next,
what's my next box on this to do list of life?
Like you cannot tell me that I peaked at the
age of like twenty six, twenty seven, Like there's got
to be more to this. Why am I not feeling satisfied?
(05:29):
And then I friend of mine was having like a
little five day master class five day challenge, and I
wanted to just support her, and so I was like, yeah,
I'll be I'll sign up, I'll be a client, like
just me out of the kindness of my heart. And
by the end of it, I was like, you know what,
I like this way better than therapy, Like I love
the ownership piece. I love feeling I love being asked
questions that actually challenge me in ways I haven't been
(05:53):
challenged before, and so I signed on to be her
client for like six months to a year, which is
a really long time to do. But I was going
to be deployed for a whole year in Katar during COVID,
So I was like, this will be good for my
mental health and some capacity, even if I just take
an hour out of my day. And so as I
was being coached, as I was like taking on responsibility
(06:14):
healing my own staff, I came to the realization that
while I started as a client to figure out what
was next, what I actually learned and to avoid from
it was to embrace the uncertainty, and that was like
the best That's the best learning I could have gotten
from that. And naturally, when I was there, like in
(06:36):
this deployed environment, I noticed I was attracting more and
more people coming to me and asking for help. I thought, dang,
I wish I had tools to help them better. Because
my background is as a criminal investigator for the Air Force,
which means I love being curious. I do the job.
I did the job because I really liked the one
on one aspect. I loved asking questions, I loved getting
(06:57):
to know people. I wanted to make them feel comfortable
and save and vulnerable enough that they could tell me
the scary truth, whether they were a victim, whether they
were accused, whether they were witnessing something egregious. It was
really gnarly stuff, and so I took on. It was
really much a big point of pride and responsibility for
me to be like, Okay, let me make sure they
leave this interview the scariest day of their life better
(07:19):
than how they walked in. So I wanted to leverage
those skills in a way that supported people, not just
in defending themselves in a court of law, or not
in just sharing their tail and determining their having someone
else to turn their livelihood. I wanted to use those
skills in a way that allowed people to take the
truth about themselves and use it to better their own
(07:43):
livelihood and to actually make change for themselves in the
way that supported them and empowered them. So that's why
I started going through a lot of coach training while
I was deployed, I think, and now I have like
like thirteen certifications in different modalities, because I wanted every
tool in my toolkits so I could tackle and help
anyone who came my way and So by the time
(08:04):
I decided to get out of the military for different reasons,
I had already coached over six hundred hours. I had
already coach over one hundred and fifty people, and so
I had gotten my reps in as a coach. And
then when I got out, I was like, Okay, now
I need to get my repsin as an entrepreneur.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
A whole different ballgame, a.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Whole different ballgame and skill set for sure.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Wow, what a beautiful background. And it sounds like it
was such a natural transition from one thing to the other.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
And I love that.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Something that really stood out to me was your intention
of making people feel really good in a day that
could feel really daunting. I know, like for myself, whenever
I have to deal with like legal things, I like,
clam up, I'm like.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
What am I doing?
Speaker 2 (08:52):
And it is it's scary to like go through criminal
investigation is a whole different ballgame, but it's scary to
go through the So I love that you brought that
essence in from the get go, and it just speaks
to like, I guess how natural coaching presence comes to
you to begin with, because that's a really big part
of having a good coaching presence.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
Right, So yeah, thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
So tell us more about when you were feeling like
you had checked all of the boxes. What was it
like for you to I don't know, be in that
time and then come into coaching and realize, oh maybe
there's well.
Speaker 3 (09:36):
I don't know, what was the realization.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Yeah, so I think again, I think it's typical with
most clients. But as a coach, I'm sure you resonate
with this where we want people to come to us
before they hit rock bottom, right, Like we don't. I
want like ten percent awareness of like that you want
to change your life, but I don't want you necessarily
to have to learn the lesson the hard way before
you beg for help. So I was that place where
(10:00):
I was recognizing I had just gone through like this
friendship breakup, and it put into perspective and it made
me question this social life and these friendships that I
had built. I was like, wait, if this is how
this ends, if this is the outcome of everything I
put my time and effort into. Was it really a
(10:22):
friendship that I was looking at or was it another
codependent relationship where I was bending over backwards? Emotionally and
catering and tiptoeing around this other person until it wasn't
tenable anymore. The same thing as my romantic partner. That
was a thing where literally after a kid almost two
and a half years of dating, we broke up because
(10:43):
he was like, I don't actually think I want to
make you happy. Wild, I would have thought that was
like a prerequisite for being in a relationship. And he's like, yeah,
I don't know that I like you. And I was
like again, Wild, but this wasn't These are things I
took for granted. But when I look back at it,
it wasn't at all they're doing. There's no blame on them, right.
(11:05):
The real blame was, like, oh, every it was those
relationships where every month I'd be like, are you sure
we're not incompatible? And he was like, we'll cross that
bridge when you get to it. And so at no
point was I actually listening to what I kept telling myself,
which is Helene, this is not a compatible relationship. Why
are you not making the move? And I kept delaying
and deferring my power to someone else making those decisions.
(11:25):
Same thing with the friendship breakup. So I noticed this
pattern of as confident and strong and independent of a
woman I was. I kept like the queathing my power
out of consideration for others. I didn't want to be
the bad guy. I didn't want to be mean, especially
in my closer relationships, and so working with a coach,
a lot of the realizations I had were how I
(11:48):
was choosing relationships that were codependent, not in the way
that people perceive of like please be nice to me,
please love me, please meet me, but it was more
I needed to be mean it. I didn't want to
be liked, care about being liked, but I did care
about making sure I was needed, And I inherently chose
dynamics and friendship and relationships where there was an inherent
(12:10):
power dynamic that I could derive and feel like a
little bit holier than now just by virtue of being
their friend. And that was a big wake up call
and noticing how much responsibility I was taking for everyone
in my life and how transactional I was still perceiving
my friendships as being I had a little bit of
a martyr complex. So those are like the big realizations
(12:33):
that I was coming to as I was starting to
work with that coach during that five day masterclass. So
I was like, I have all these things, and I'm
not feeling fulfilled or satisfied. And that was really the
wake up call that I needed.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Yeah, I love that and it's so interesting. Something that
stood out to me is like how we can be
so independent and yet the relationshipdynamics like yet so I
don't want to say dawcile, but so like just giving
away our needs for the sake of someone else's needs.
(13:12):
So it's very complex, how like human behavior kind of
comes to be thank you so much for sharing. So
I'm super curious about what some of the common obstacles
or challenges or themes that come up with your clients
(13:32):
when they're transitioning from military to creating a life that
they love.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Yeah, it's definitely a nuanced experience. But I think while
this might sound exclusive to the military, I think it's
true of any environment that you're in that you've been
in for a long time. So when I got out
of the military in July, I actually realized and started
comparing it to it's a lot more like a divorce
than it is quitting a job, because there are places
(13:59):
that you can can no longer go like you lose
access unless you become unless you retire after twenty years,
or unless you go into the reserves. You lose access
to your place of work. Like you cannot drive on
base anymore, you have to hand in your ID card.
So literally the place that you used to be able
to go into call home, you no longer have access to.
You can't email the people that used to email anymore,
(14:20):
you can't. You lose touch with them. People feel like
they lose community or they're afraid of losing that community
when they get out. And so there's that experience of
I am making the decision because it's the best decision
for me, yet I'm surprised at the fact that I
still have to grapple with all this grief, and so
I think that's what's important for me to make my
(14:43):
clients aware of, and like what I normalize first and
foremost for them is this notion that you may have
left a job you totally hated, this might be the
best decision ever, and you're totally motivated to go do
something different, and there's still going to be a ton
of grief that's going to hit you like a ton
of bricks, and you're not going to expect it, and
you're going to be confused and you're gonna judge yourself
(15:04):
for it again, much like leaving a bad, negative, toxic relationship,
whatever it may be. There's a part of you that
used to love that. There's a part of you that
wanted you to join the military. There's a part of
you that liked that relationship that you had, and so
it's grieving that old version of yourself that used to
tether so much of your identity to that experience. So
(15:24):
that's like the first thing I help them with is
holding space for that grief. And I was talking to
a client about what you know. I was asking them
for feedback as I do, and just making sure, you
know that they were enjoying the experience. And they said, Helene,
you don't just give us like help us understand what
(15:45):
we want. You don't just help us figure out what
we want to do next. You give us permission to
want things for ourselves again. And I really had to
sit with that because I was like, Yeah, that is
one of the biggest things you sacrifice in the middle
military is the desire to do what you want to do.
A lot of people join the military because they want
(16:06):
to fulfill a sense of duty, whether it's obligation, whether
it's service of others. Right, there's a natural need to sacrifice.
Even the Air Force is one of their core values
is service before self. Right. So when you live a decade,
even four years, five years, or twenty years with that
being instilled in you, how the heck are you supposed
(16:28):
to know what you want to do next? You have
stopped listening to your own internal compass. You've been told
shut up in color, which I don't know if if
it's afraid that translates to anyone outside of the military,
but it's very much what it sounds like, of like,
do it because I said so, and so I really
help them with rediscovering what they want because they usually
(16:49):
come to me feeling like they've lost their drive, they've
lost their purpose of feeling very confused and overwhelmed because
every there's six thousand resources that get dumped on them
that they could access to help them transition. It'll teach
them how to write a resume, it'll teach them how
to apply for a job, it'll teach them how to interview.
But no one's stopping and asking them, for what purpose
are you actually doing this like what's actually important to
(17:11):
you about what you do next? So they try to
fill this void very quickly to match their salary to
get in their job, and then they don't stop to
actually stop and think, Okay, am I just jumping onto
another hamster wheel that leads nowhere because I'm so used
to running in place? Or do I actually want to
do something that I want to do? And remember who
I am beneath the uniform once I've shed it.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
That's so powerful and it reminds me of the work
that I do with entrepreneurs because it's the same, right,
all of a sudden, Okay, well not all of a sudden.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Usually there's a little lead up to it.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
But okay, you decide you want to be an entrepreneur,
and there's so many courses, there's so much information out there,
and my whole thing is that information is nice, but
how does it apply to you?
Speaker 3 (17:56):
How does it apply to your goals?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
There's just so much more there that needs to be
explored if you don't want to continue repeating the same
patterns and like falling on that hamster wheel and everything.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
So yeah, really.
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Awesome that you do that, and that you help to
apply the information to them. So I'm curious about because
you had mentioned on our connection call that military folks
want to be told what they're good at, and they
don't actually take the time to think about, well do
(18:30):
I actually want that? So what's that process like for
you and what helps you to help them to discover
what they want?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Yeah, excellent question. I'll try to be as clear as
possible in answering it. It was a bit of a
stacked question, for sure. I also ask a lot of
stacked questions. I'm so excited to know all the things.
So the first thing that comes to mind, right, is
this analogy that I used to describe the process, which
is we get told give a man a fish to
lead for a day, teach a man to fish lead
(19:02):
for a lifetime. And what the military folks want is
in that analogy. They're like, okay, they find these transition
resources and they're like, okay, just what kind of fishing
row do I need? What kind of bait do I
need to put on the tackle? Like where should I
be fishing, what's the best river for it? How many
should I fish a day? And I try to step
in and the first question I ask them is like
why the fuck are you fishing in the first place?
(19:23):
Do you even like fish? Even like you don't even
like what are you doing here? Why fish in the
first place? You were told that's what you had to do,
but you don't even like that. So why are you
spending all this time and energy on something that you're
told you will be good at or told that you
are supposed to do without ever actually checking in with
whether that's something you want and whether that aligns with
(19:45):
who you were before you started this journey. So, in
terms of how do I take them through that, I
think one of the first things I do is and
it's the hardest question they ever have to answer, Right,
It's the first time I ask of like, what do
you want by the end of our time work together?
And all of them so far always cy confidence, which
(20:05):
is probably something we don't expect when you talk to
like big, strong military leaders, But they define confidence as
truly being comfortable and decisive in whatever they do. Again,
I wasn't expecting military folks to think they're indecisive, but
they feel indecisive because they set their expectations for themselves
so high that it puts the pressure on every decision
(20:28):
they make. Right, they've learned every decision you make could
impact ten, twenty hundreds of people. And so they're in
this analysis paralysis day to day. And then in their
own life they're like, they know how to look at consequences,
but they have stopped looking for opportunities and hope and
what the possibilities are of those things. So when they
(20:51):
tell me they want confidence, when they tell me they
want to feel like purpose again, and they want community,
what I work on is helping them figure out, Okay,
not just what's important to you about all those things,
but if you had those things, who would you be?
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Like?
Speaker 1 (21:08):
What would be your qualities and characteristics? But your best
on your best day, when you feel the most comfortable
even today, when you feel like you can just be yourself?
Who are you in those moments? And one they rarely
site when they're at work, that's not this is never
a time when they're setting I'm at my best. When
I'm at work and doing this, I'm like, no, like
when I'm at home, when I'm in the woods and
(21:29):
I'm with my family, Here's who i want to be.
And so having them kind of anchor into those qualities
and characteristics and setting that as the goal in the
future of saying, hey, this is you underneath all of
the layers that have been caked on, all the social expectations,
of social constructs, the contracts that you've literally signed and
(21:51):
like figuratively signed by being in the military. It's a
lot of unlearning the stuff that no longer serves them.
And so a lot of my work, as I'm sure
with yours too, is just like what did you hear
and what did you take it to me? And do
we still need to believe that? Is that actually serving
or can we swap that out for beliefs that actually
(22:11):
serves you? Let me know if I didn't answer your
question fully, because I know there were like three questions
in there, and I may have third one.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
I don't even remember what my questions were at this point,
So that was perfect. The great thing about me is
I'll ask questions and wherever the conversation goes, I go
with you.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
It's perfect.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, I agree, you're lovely in that regard.
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Now I have to remember, yes, Okay, So I was
drawing parallels because it's so interesting, Like I can totally
see how I'm going to use the word indoctrination from
the military can create that mentality. And it's fascinating because
I even see bits of this mentality in my own
clients who've never even been in the military. But I
(22:54):
imagine it's probably so much greater of a like a
presence or a mindset with military folks. And I'm curious, like,
just based on your own experience, how much work is
involved or how much time does it It's going to
depend on each client, I know, but how much time
does it take on average to really undo this I
(23:17):
guess military thinking and really come into their own and
calling in what they want for themselves.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yeah, I think that's a really important question that I
think even clients would have, right how long? And it depends,
frankly on at what point they start working with me,
because like I mentioned before, I think it's true of
all clients, right, we don't want them to have hit
rock bottom, But if they've already hit rock bottom, it's
really fast. If you're like already burnt out, pissed off, overwhelmed,
(23:46):
hitting the organization like sure I can, that's not going
to take a long time because you're already recognizing that
you've been indoctrinated and you don't want it anymore, but
you might not be taking ownership for your part in it,
so then that the work is like might take a
little bit longer, But in general, I work with my
clients in a three week container over ten to twelve hours,
(24:09):
so it's a very concentrated, intense experience, and we focus
on like that one big thing that they want at
the end of it, those things that tend to be
first and foremost, like reconnecting to their sense of self expression,
which is a thing the military like punishes you for
having the most. Frankly, you can't speak your mind. You can't,
you know, you very rarely, not truly. You can't wear
(24:30):
what you want. You can't if you wanted to protest,
you couldn't necessarily do that. If you want to talk
about how you vote, you could do that. If you
wanted to complain or even just like petition or anything,
you can't sue the government, Like, there are lots of
things that they deplete you have a certain amount of
power that they tell you is not important because it's
for the sake of the greater good. So helping them
rediscover their self expression and kind of craft the blank
(24:52):
slate for themselves, so they can start anew and like
clear the canvas so they can be like you can
paint anything on this, you can be you can start fresh. Truly,
that takes three weeks. It might take a little longer
if they haven't if I've had clients in the past,
I don't attract these anymore, but who don't have a
sense of like a deeper emotional intelligence. And so when
(25:13):
I'm like, how do you feel? Like how does that
make you feel? And I say badly, like, okay, we
need a couple of work. I need to add a
couple of weeks to this, because here's an emotion wheel
and remember how you feel. But that's not who I've
been attracting. I've been attracting gratefully people who are like
something's amiss, like like there's blood in the water. I
don't this is not my vibe. But I don't know
(25:35):
what to do next, and that's keeping me stuck where
I am. Right. It's like if I knew it was next,
I wouldn't be here. But because I don't know what's next,
I need a little support in feeling comfortable. And they
could choose to stay in because I'm still helping them,
like find a way to self express regardless of where
they are, so they can belong wherever they go. But yeah,
(25:55):
so I work with them a three week container and
then I just have a I just launched a seven
month program which is I call it Mission GTFO, which
for the kids at home, it's Get that Freedom On.
For everyone who knows anything, it's the fuck because the
reason I didn't just make it get the fuck out
is frankly, because I don't care if they ask to
(26:18):
work with me and they're like a year out from
when they might be wanting to get out of six
months before they want to get out, and they work
with me and they choose to stay in. That doesn't
matter to me. It might not even matter to them
because what's important is like, are you doing what you
want to be doing? And that's what I help them
figure out. So it might be, Hey, I'm choosing to
stay in a little bit longer because I'm stationed close
(26:38):
to my family right now, and I'm building the blocks
to move on and express my freedom in other ways.
So that's why I kept Get that Freedom On, because
that's really what I'm helping them redefine, is like you
can find and rekindle passion and freedom in an environment
that is otherwise and indoctrinated you to be rigid and
restricted on your self expression. So the seven month program
(26:59):
is just they still get the one on one time,
but then there are additional workshops and I take them
through like my five p's of Personal Power, and they
get two different group coaching opportunities as well, So it
gives them, it helps them build that community in that
off ramp for they're ready to be like, Okay, I
know this is the right choice and I want the
(27:20):
proper scaffolding as I'm transitioning out.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
I love that's something that you said, personal power, and
that was really shining through in what you're saying, because
you know, it doesn't matter ultimately whether we're talking military,
whether we're talking about like a job you hate, like,
as long as you can find and get clear on
I guess your intentions of being there, right. Like I
work with some clients who are still working at nine
(27:45):
to five and they're like, well, I hate my nine
to five. I hate my nine to five. I hate
my nine to five, And it's like, okay, well you
could leave your nine to five if you wanted to,
But what are the reasons you're saying. And I think
once we can find that resolve and that like take
back our power we're in the sense that we are
making the decision to stay for reasons, it just frees
up so much like resistance, Like it gets rid of
(28:09):
so much emotional and like mental heaviness that we feel
because we feel like restricted or like we don't have
freedom when actually we do have freedom because we're choosing
to stay.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
That's brilliantly you just shared about.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
I don't know where that rand came from.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
It's perfect. We're talking about like, regardless of what they
actually end up doing, helping them own that they're doing
what they want, whether they admit themselves or not, is
like the biggest thing. Like I'm a big proponent of
everything we do has an unconscious motivation behind it, even
in our worst habits. There's a reason we're still doing it.
You might not make a reason, you might not like
(28:47):
that reason, but you're stuck on this programming and so
helping people see that is so tough. I was wondering, Lauren, like,
just what is from what I've said so far, Like,
what is one of the common life transition sticky points
that you would notice between your entpreneur clients and the
military folks, like, what are you hearing so far that
(29:08):
they have in common?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
I would definitely say pretty much a lot of things
when it comes to defining what do I want, I
think on a general sense of society, not just military,
but I feel like a lot of people since starting
in school, we get told what to do and how
(29:32):
to do things. And I know, I feel like you
would know this because you've done significant coach training, but
we were taught to stop asking questions and to just
learn the material and if you have a question, well,
here's the right answer. And there was no really opportunity
for challenging or like well what about this, or like
(29:53):
asking those curious questions. They just get shut down. And
then we get told like, oh, well, if you go
to university and if you go here, and if you
go there and get this job, then you'll be successful
and financially free. But then my clients find that, well,
actually I didn't love that, like it wasn't fulfilling or yeah,
I just like it wasn't what I thought it was.
(30:15):
So I think in that sense it's definitely related. The
other thing that I heard too, was the yeah, just
starting to ask those questions for themselves and redefining, not redefining,
but really getting clear on what their values are and
what they want to create. And then something that I
also coach my clients on is like, okay, well, how
(30:36):
do we become that now? Like, despite your conditions of
feeling restricted, despite your conditions of feeling this, and that
person did this, and so that made me feel this way,
Like okay, let's hold space for that.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
But then how do we want to be through that?
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Because we can't change what other people do or what
other people say to us. We can all only change
how we feel. So we can either choose that to
let We can either choose to allow that to impact
our day, our week or month, like how we exist,
or we can look to like, okay, well, I often
(31:15):
refer to higher self, So like, what is my higher
self say? How does my higher self act? How does
my higher self respond in these situations knowing that this
over here is actually where we're headed and this where
we're at is just temporary? Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (31:34):
Absolutely makes perfect sense to me.
Speaker 3 (31:36):
We speak the same language I do.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yeah, And so it's funny because, like you mentioned, higher self.
I know what that is, but it's something I actually
cautious with when I'm when you work with different clientele, right,
I know this, like kailways, Katy your language, Like I
don't know what higher self means because I've been doing
a lot of work, right, But it's like when I'm
talking to military folks, if I were like I think
it's one of the reasons I finally accepted to work
with the military folks, like intentionally, because I was coaching
(32:00):
literally everyone from sixteen year olds to like eighty five
year old. Yeah, I wonder all the experience I wanted
to coach everybody, and I finally got to a place
where it's like, Okay, I'm willing to work with the
military folks again. Intentionally because that's one who I'd been
coaching by virtue of word of mouth anyway, but also
because I one of the things I try to do
(32:23):
best is when I started coaching, like, if you'd come
at me with like what I notice when I say
this phrase, but it's always hard but more like holistic
or lou kind of language.
Speaker 3 (32:32):
It goes like right over your head.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
If you'd come at me like I didn't know what
I'm into it, Like I was like, intuition, what the
fuck are you talking about? Like when I first started,
And I have to remember I have to communicate to
that version of myself. Yeah, like I was hoodwinked into
suddenly like like meditating and believing the higher self and
like my more of a spiritual connection. But I like
that I can still speak the jargon and connect with
(32:56):
maybe the more analytical, literal minded. They still have very
strong blinders on and so if I come at them
with like any kind of spiritual or esoteric concept and.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Be like the fuck are you talking about lady?
Speaker 1 (33:09):
So, but it's fun because I love that it's it's
definitely it's always a both, and it's just sometimes like
which do you tackle first?
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, I just see you over there, like this is
where we're actually going.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yeah exactly. When someone gets me, when I get a text,
it's like, hey, your meditation just like got me through
like my week, like and I listen to like you
anytime I feel overwhelmed, I'm like yes, but if I hey,
you get a free meditation to be like no, I'm
going to go do an ice bath and like it's
a dude with no shirt on told me that was
a good idea for me to be tough, and I'm like,
(33:43):
you don't need to be tougher, you need to be softer, guys,
that's not the issue.
Speaker 2 (33:48):
I applaud you for like remembering where you were and
being able to still communicate to that my brain. I
feel like, I think this might be related to human
but I have an open mind, so my memory of
like back then, I'm like, I don't even know what
I was thinking or going through, although I think I
(34:09):
always had a sense of like intuition. My mom's a
professional coach and she runs a coaching academy, so I
heard her say things like intuition, and I always had
like a interest in positive psychology and meditation.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
I always tried those things.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Though, and it didn't really work for me, so it
was like meditation whatever, But there was still something there
that I was like, Okay, you know, so, yeah, definitely
I love that you can still speak to those past
versions of you and connect because you're right, it's you know,
so many people on this planet. We speak different languages,
and it always amazes me that we're all living such
(34:51):
different experiences. My experience is so unique to me and
yours and when I think about it that way, it's
just it's mind blowing that people don't know everything that
I know, and vice versa, that I don't know everything
that you know and everyone else in the world anyway,
it's just yeah, very interesting.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
No, I love that, and I love that you. I
didn't know about your mom, so I love that you
kind of have a full circle experience. That's really cool.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Yeah. We actually teach together now in her Coach Training Academy,
which is really cool, and we help people become certified coaches,
which is just a fun thing to do.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
On the side, I really love teaching coaching skills. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:31):
So I remember in our connection call, this question has
been like looking at me. You were talking about the
first time that you were vulnerable and the power behind
being vulnerable.
Speaker 3 (35:43):
Do you feel called to share a little bit about
that experience?
Speaker 1 (35:46):
Yeah? Absolutely So. Remember how at the start I said, like,
how far back in the origin story do we go?
And the truth is I wouldn't have ever sought help
from a coach if I hadn't years prior. I'm trying
to do the math, but it shouldn't matter. It was
six years prior, so when I first started working with
a coach. I had this life changing experience of my
(36:09):
mother passing away. So I was I hadn't even turned
I was twenty years old. I think we've been nineteen
going or twenty. And my mom passed away when I
was abroad in a foreign country doing it studying. I
was volunteering at an orphanage in Tanzania, and she passed away,
and I knew she was like on I knew that
(36:31):
she'd been told that she wasn't going a little long time,
and my relationship with her was solid, and she was
very much like my best friend growing up, truly a
codependent relationship in there. But when she died, I definitely
had an oh shit moment. Not because I was like, oh, no,
I regret and I'm so I wish I'd had a
better last conversation. None of that. I was opened up
(36:54):
by the fact that I realized I had a lot
of feelings about the family I had left and not
being comfortable with that, not really finding anywhere safe to
be vulnerable. And I realized the only person that I
would have felt comfortable talking to about the fact that
my mom had died was my mom, and she was gone.
(37:14):
So I was stuck in this deep pit of what
the fuck? And I was crying uncontrolled, uncontrollably, and I
couldn't like stop. And at the time I was someone
who had never cried in public. No one knew how
to give me help because I very much had the
reputation as the strong one who helps everybody else. And
so it took six seven months before I was like, Okay,
(37:36):
I can't keep crying myself to sleep, Like my roommate
is wonderful, but she doesn't deserve to hear me crying
myself to sleep every night because I was trying so
hard to just deal with this myself and I didn't
know how, and I finally reached out for help. But
my university had a grief counseling program, and luckily they
had a group grief counseling program, and I classic little
martyr me, I was like, well, at least if I
(37:57):
do it in a group, maybe my presence can help them, right,
Like I was like, still justifying, classic, like maybe I
can help others and that'll get me in the door.
And of course, lo and thehold. It helped me tremendously
because what I learned very experientially, right is that vulnerability
begets vulnerability, and shame dies in vulnerable spaces. So it
(38:20):
created my true first safe space, and realizing, oh, you
can't have a safe community, you can create a sacred
space where the more I talk about something and just
being able to share it and be seen and heard
and understood was instrumental in my healing journey. And my
friends even months later were like, hey, Helen, We're sorry,
(38:41):
Like we didn't know how to be there for you
because you were always the strong one, Like we did
not know how to help you, and I didn't know
how to ask for help. So my biggest lesson when
my mom passed away was really like recognizing the hardest
thing I ever had to do was ask for help,
and the most powerful thing I ever did was choose
to be vulnerable. And from that point on, I began
(39:04):
this journey of like tackling my vulnerability and doing it
in such a way that I saw it as a
superpower and not like a vulnerability and weakness, because it's
so transformative and I think it's inspiring. So yeah, and
also like deciding to be vulnerable and then going and
joining the military is not like necessarily agree people don't
(39:26):
love vulnerability in the military, as it turns out, right
because they really see it as like a weakness and they're.
Speaker 3 (39:30):
Like, yeah, you goofball, Yeah totally.
Speaker 1 (39:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
It's so fascinating. Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 2 (39:38):
And I'm so curious because I can relate to you
that I also feel like I'm always the strong one.
I'm always the one that's like helping others. I'm always
I noticed like a lot of people will come to me,
and I remember when going through my divorce, I felt
like no one was checking in on me, and I
was like, what the fuck, Like, where are all of
(39:58):
my friends at Like, does no one ca that I
might be, like, you know, going through a hot ass
emotional mess right now? Although I was, It's so interesting
because I was super happy at the same time. And
that's something actually I wanted to bring up earlier when
you were talking about leaving the military, because there's even
though you're determined and your mind is made up, and
(40:19):
even though like you might have a happier life on
the other side, there's still a huge emotional process to
go through. And that's exactly what was the case for me.
I was super happy with my new life, but my
emotional and arguably my mental state, I feel like was
in shambles. And those are situations where I grew up
(40:40):
with this mentality being shared of like mind over matter, right,
And it's like, well, those are moments where if you
look on a holistic level, you can't just out mindset
your emotions. You can't just like like, oh, those don't exist.
It's fine, Like let's just go be happy. It's you
(41:00):
have to give space for the emotional body, the spiritual body,
the mental body, the physical body for us to be
able to fully heal and move forward. Otherwise we're just
stuffing stuff down. So yeah, anyway, I thought that was
interesting and relatable. So I'm curious, as a fellow strong
person who struggles to ask for help, how do you
(41:24):
ensure or not ensure, but how do you, I don't know,
make sure that you're not being that strong person all
the time and that you're getting the support that you need.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Frankly, Lauren, it's a journey, Like I still had to
practice that and push myself to do it. Two weeks
ago when I asked two of my closest friends and
I was like, hey, here's my new landing page, Like
I'm not in a place right now for critical feedback
is normally I don't mind that, but I was like,
can you just give me encouragement please, because that's something
(41:55):
I realized I don't get a lot of intuitively, right,
I think, I'm sure I don't enough. You experienced this
as like a fellow confident, strong woman vibe, but it's like,
like give us compliments or give us reassurance because and
also as an entrepreneur, I think that compounds it because
no one's giving an entrepreneur reassurance because no one's like
seeing what we do day to day and everything that
(42:16):
happens behind the scenes that we really want someone to
tell us you're doing a good job, and no one
sees all that shit, Like I even this podcast. I
know all the work is not this conversations, everything that
comes before and after, and no one see that, So
no one can ever compliment you or give you praise
on that. So I think there's that compounding factor. So
the last time, most recent time I had asked for
help was me literally asking my friends, Hey, can you
(42:37):
give me some encouraging words? Can you pipe me up? Like,
because at the time I was feeling burnt out from
good things and bad things because it's all happening at once.
And through this journey one, my tolerance for burnout has lessened,
not increased. So used to be like I can handle anything,
give it all to me, and I'm like no, I like,
(42:58):
I'm more sensitive now and that's a good thing. So
that means now I have to ask for help sooner. Yeah,
But when I first started practicing asking for help, it
was gonna sound really silly, and it might not sound
like asking for help, but it was when I was
in these interviews with these people as a criminel investigator,
I would delay going to the bathroom. Some of these
(43:19):
interviews a really four hours long, and I'd have to
go to the bathroom and I would just hold it
because I was like, what if I break orport by
going to the bathroom? What if like suddenly I asked
to pause and then they're not comfortable anymore. And one
day I had someone like say, someone I was interviewing,
They're like, hey, do you mind if we take a
break and go use the bathroom? And I was in
my head, I was like, oh, thank god. But in
my head I was like they could do it, and
(43:40):
they're in the scared seated position right now being interviewed, like,
of course we could go take a bathroom break. And
I learned that if I reframed something, if I say
something at the beginning of that conversation, say hey, at
any point in time, you and I can ask for
a break. Either was going to ask you about the
bathroom just let me know. If I had let people
know ahead of time, Hey, I'm I ask you for help, Hey,
(44:01):
I might need help with this later, it makes the
actual asking of support a lot easier. But that's where
I started. I start with asking for back and break
in a professional job where I held all the power
technically in that dynamic. So that's how far I had
to come. Yeah, yeah, So that's really how I try
to do it and leverage it is pre framing, letting
(44:24):
people know, hey, this might be something that I need,
and also phrasing it in the form of a question
right like do you have space for this right now?
Are you in a place to help or having multiple
people in the community. That was something I to deal
with when I was very much experiencing for passion fatigue
in the desert, when people are coming to me for help,
I realized all my friends like a lot of my
friends were going through crap, so I felt like I
(44:46):
couldn't turn to them for help and support. Yeah, and
so having multiple people where it became like a circle,
so it wasn't everyone leaning on me, It was like, okay,
Like if they're all leaning on each other, then there's
one person I can maybe lean on and they can
lean on someone else and that's supportive. The last thing
I'll say is get a professional like, yeah, therapist, certified coach,
(45:08):
Like if you really feel like there's no one that
you can turn to in your media environment and feel
safe to ask for help, Like, the hardest thing you're
ever going to do is schedule that call, that first
curiosity call, that first discovery call, that first appointment. That's
the bravest thing you're ever going to do. It's the
most courageous thing you're ever going to do. If you
can find a way to rip that band aid off
without having hit rock bottom first, that's a true investment
(45:28):
in your future mental health. So if you feel like
no one around you supportive and you can't ask anyone
else for help, start there with someone who justify it
in your head, saying they get paid to do this, right,
that's what I did. I was like, they're getting paid
to help me, so.
Speaker 3 (45:43):
We're good, We're fair. Yeah. I love that. Thank you
for sharing.
Speaker 2 (45:48):
I'm sure a lot of listeners will be able to
relate because we tend to attract the people that are
most like us. So I know that there's other strong
leaders women in listening to the podcast, and yeah, I
think that's a really big just like a big takeaway.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
I had to reach out to a friend yesterday.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
I finished work and I had like a mental breakdown
and I was like, I need to book an online
session with you, please, and she was like, okay, send
me in a voice note so that I know like
where you're at and.
Speaker 3 (46:17):
I can prepare.
Speaker 2 (46:17):
And I was like, well, I just feel like i'm
hitting my breaking point.
Speaker 3 (46:21):
So that's it. Bye, So loved.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
You're not laughing at you, it's just.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Like, yeah, So anyway, it's super helpful to have connects.
And also like, if you've never done the work before,
just yeah, reach out and I don't know, do like
research and start looking into it because it's so life
changing to have the support. And I'm a huge believer
that we can't do everything on our own and we're
(46:51):
living in a society that's very individualistic, and it's not
the way that humans or mammals were designed to live.
So this has been such a great conversation, and I
feel like I have so many more questions and things
that we.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
Could dive into, but I'll leave it for now.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
My last question to you is what does alignment mean
to you?
Speaker 1 (47:14):
Yeah, So alignment to me is being congruent with what
I'm doing, what I'm saying, what I'm feeling, being honest
in that self expression, and ensuring all those things are
rooted in my values, and knowing that those values can change. Right.
(47:35):
So it's not this permanent thing. And my alignment today
is not what aligned to look like five years ago.
It's not what aligned is going to look like five
years from now. And so I just not click when
I say values. I really need my unconscious priorities, right,
Like I decided to move here and live with family
because family was a big value for me. That was
not a value for me for the last thirty years
(47:56):
of my life until two years ago. So every decision
I made from their felt like I was in alignment
because it was rooted from a place of is this
scratching the itch of what's most important to me and
is everything I do from my behavior, my actions, my words,
my choices. Is that congruent? Is that lining up with
(48:17):
what I actually want most in this moment, not necessarily forever,
but in this moment. So yeah, alignment is really and
that's a feeling of groundness, right when you're like, I'm
not nervous, I'm not anxious, I'm not worried, I'm not
in the future, I'm not in the past. I'm actually
present to what I'm feeling. You can be aligned to
the millisecond, in my opinion, matter of being present and
(48:39):
being aware of where you're at and making your next
step being based on where you are and not just
where you think you should be or where you've been
in the past.
Speaker 2 (48:48):
Right, Yeah, I love that because that the word presence
was really coming through as you were explaining. And then
just like owning where you're at, honoring where you're at
is so huge as well to be able to work
through those moments, to be able to get to the
other side. So thank you so much for sharing, Thank
you for being here. I'm going to post your links
(49:09):
in the show notes.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
Is there anything that you want to Highlight for us.
Speaker 1 (49:14):
No, you can find me at Helene can help h
l E ny cin HLP. If you just google that,
you'll find my Instagram, which is a great way of
like getting to know me and to me be goofy
for no reason.
Speaker 3 (49:25):
You post great content, so I definitely recommend following.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
It's definitely atypical sometimes I'm like, this is very much
off the cuff, lots of metaphors. Yeah, so that's a
great way of like getting me following along. You can
also find my website for more information. But that's really it.
I just want to thank you so much, Lauren for
having me.
Speaker 2 (49:44):
Thank you for being here and for being vulnerable and
sharing your story. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (49:49):
It's how we build connections, how we build community right,
absolutely thing about it. So thank you for being curious
and asking questions and creating a space for me to share.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
I'm really yeah, I'm so grateful for you too. Thank
you and.
Speaker 2 (50:03):
We'll see you in the next episode. Thank you so
much for tuning into the podcast today. If you like
what you heard, I would love it if you left
a review. If you like my vibe, come and hang
with me in my Facebook or Telegram group. I'll drop
the link to my email list below, or you can
get instant access. Make sure you check the show notes
for any other links that I mentioned today, and until
(50:26):
next time, I'm sending you waves of abundance.
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