May 15, 2025 • 18 mins
Journey with Paul Walmsley, a well-known regular at Stephanos, as his peaceful dinner is interrupted by a fast-acting stranger who not only steals his meal but also hands him a mysterious packet beneath the table. This encounter marks the start of exhilarating adventures with the enigmatic American adventurer, Joseph H. Parker and his charming daughter, Eve. Please note that there is an alternative narration for section 8, both renditions are equally compelling and we invite you to enjoy either or both.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter eleven, Part two of An Amiable Charlaton. This is
a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.
For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org.
An Amiable Charlaton by E. Phillips Oppenheim, Chapter eleven, Mister
Bundercomb's Wink, Part two. We had a pleasant luncheon party
(00:24):
at which mister Bundercombe was introduced to some of my supporters,
with whom, as he usually did with every one, he
soon made himself popular. Eve and I then made our
first little effort at canvassing. Eve's methods differed from her father's.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
I am so sorry, she.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Said, as she shook hands with a very influential but
very doubtful voter of the farmer class. But I don't
know anything about English politics, so I can't talk to
you about it as i'd like to. But I know
I am going to marry mister Walmsley and come to
live here, and it would be so nice to feel
that all my friends had voted for him. If you
have a few minutes to spare, mister Brown, would you
please tell me just where you don't agree with Paul
(01:00):
I should so much like to hear, because he tells
me that if once you were on his side, he
would feel most comfortable. Mister Brown, who had always met
my advances with grim taciturnity that made conversation exceedingly difficult,
proceeded to desertate upon one or two of the vexed
questions of the day. I ventured to put in a
few words now and then, and after time he invited
us into tea. When we left, he was more gracious
(01:22):
than I had ever known him to be. And you
must vote for mister Walmsley, Eve declared at the end
of her little speech of thanks, because I want so
much to have you come and take tea with me
on the terrace of the House of Commons. And I
can't unless Paul is a member, can I? Bribery and corruption?
Mister Brown laughed, However, well, see, certainly I have been
very much pleased to hear mister Walmsley's views upon several manners.
(01:44):
When did you say the village meeting was, mister Walmsley
Thursday night, I replied, But I'll come. He promised, You'll
take the chair.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I begged.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Nothing could do me more good than that, and I
feel sure if you'll just look at things. I was
going to be very eloquent, but Eve interrupted me. Let
me sit next to you, please, she said, looking up
at him with her large, unusually innocent eyes. Well, if
you like, mister Brown assented. We drove off down the
avenue in complete silence. When we had turned the corner,
Eve gave a little sigh. Paul, She declared, I don't
(02:17):
think there's anything I've ever come across in my life.
It's half so much fun as electioneering. Please take me
to the next most difficult. If Eve was a success, however,
mister Bundercombe was to turn out a great disappointment. He
came home a little later for dinner, looking very gloomy. Paul,
he said as we met for a moment in the
smoking room. Paul, I've sad news for you. I'm sorry
(02:38):
to hear it, I replied. I've looked into this little
manner of politics. He continued, I've looked into it as
thoroughly as I can, and I can't support you. You're
on the wrong side, my boy. I've shaken hands with
mister Horricks, and that's the man who'll get the votes
in this constituency. I've promised to do what I can
to help him. I was a little taken aback, not
(03:00):
in earnest, I exclaimed, dead earnest. Mister Bundercombe regretted that
Chap's convinced me. I feel it's up to me to
lend him a hand. But surely, I expostulated, even if
you cannot see your way clear to help me, there's
no need for you to go over to the enemy
like this. You're not obligated to interfere in the election
at all, are you? Mister Bundercombe sighed matter of principle
(03:22):
with me, he explained, I must be doing something I
can't canvass for you. I'll have to look round a
bit for the other chat. I really don't see, I began,
just a little annoyed. Why you should feel called upon
to interfere in an English election at all, unless it
is to help a friend. Mister bundercumb looked at me
and solemnly winked. Say there's the dinner gone, he announced, cheerfully.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Let's be getting in.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
But I don't understand. Mister Bundercomb repeated the wake upon
a smaller scale. I followed him into the drawing room,
still in the darkest to his exact political position. The
movements of my prospective father in law were for the
next few days wrapped in a certain mystery. He arrived
home one evening, however, in a state of extreme indignation,
as usual when anything had happened to upset him.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
He came to look for me in the library.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
My boy, he said, of all the godf's sake, and
out of the world be knighted holes. This big burrow
of yours absolutely takes the cake for sheer, dickheaded, pumptious,
arrogant ignorance. Give me your farmers, what's wrong? I asked him, wrong, listen,
he explained, almost dramatically, In this district, in this whole district, mind,
(04:31):
there's not a single farmer who has heard of thunder
comes reapers. I farm a bid myself, I reminded him,
And I've never heard of them. Mister bundercumb went to
the sideboard and mixed himself a cocktail with great care.
Thunder Comes reapers, he said, as soon as he had
disposed of it, are the only reapers used by live
farmers in the United States of America, Canada, Australia, or
(04:52):
any other country.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Worth ascent that seems to get us pretty hard. I remarked,
have you got an agent over here? Sure?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Mister Bundercumb replied, I don't follow the sales now, so
I can't tell you what he's doing. But we've an
agent here, and any country that doesn't buy Bundercumb's reapers
is off the line. As regards agriculture, what are you
going to do about it?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I asked, do?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Mister Bundercombe toyed with his wineglass for a moment and
then set it down. What I have done, he announced,
is this I have wired to my agent. I have
ordered him to ship half a dozen machines, if necessary,
on a special train, and I'm going to give an
exhibition on some land I've hired over by Little Biddleborough
the day after tomorrow. That's the day of the election,
(05:36):
I exclaimed. You couldn't put it off, I suppose, he suggested,
that's the day I fixed from my exhibition. At any rate,
I'm giving the farmers a free lunch. Slap up affair
it's going to be, I can tell you. I am afraid,
I answered, with a holy wasted sarcasm, that the affair
has gone too far now for us to consider an
alteration in the date. Well, well, we must try not
(05:59):
to clash, mister Bundercump said magnanimously. How long does the
voting go on? From eight until eight? I told him,
mister Bundercomb is thoughtful.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
That's a long time to hold them, he murmured.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
To hold who, I demanded. Mister Bundercombs started slightly. Nothing, nothing,
by the bye. Do you know a chap called Jonas,
Henry Jonas of Milton Farm.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Well, I should think I do, I groaned.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
He's the backball of the opposition, the best figure they've got,
and the most popular man. Mister Bundercombe smiled sweetly.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Is that so?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
He observed, Well, well, he is a very intelligent man.
I trust I'll be able to persuade him that any
reaper he may be using at the present moment is
a j compared to Bundercombs, this season's model. I trust
you may, I answered, a tribal tartly. I am glad
you're likely to do a little business, but you won't
mind my reminding you, will you that you really came
(06:55):
down here to give me a leg up with my election,
and not to sell your machines?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
There?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Has been half your time. I'm in the enemy's camp.
Mister bundercomb smiled. It was a curious smile which seemed
somehow to lose itself in his face. Then the dinner
gong sounded, and he WinCE at me slowly again. I
was conscious of some slight uneasiness. It began to dawn
upon me that there was a scheme somewhere hatching, that
mister Bundercumbe's activity in the camp of the enemy might
(07:21):
perhaps have an unexpected significance. I talked to Eve about
this after dinner, but she reassured me Father talks of
nothing but his reading machines, she declared, Besides, I'm quite
sure he would do nothing indiscreet. Only yesterday I found
him studying a copy of the Act preferred to robbery
and corruption. That's pretty smart, you know, I do know that.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
I admitted. I wish I knew what he was up to.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Though the next day was the last before the election,
the little market of Bigborough was in a state of
considerable excitement. Several open air meetings were held towards evening.
Eve and I, returning from a motor tour of the constituency,
called at the office of my agent. We chatted with
mister Ansell for a little while, and then he pointed
across the square. There is an American there, he said,
(08:08):
with the other side seemed to get hold of He's there,
most popular speaker by a long way. But I gathered
there a little uneasy about him. Didn't I have the
pleasure of meeting him at your house, mister Bundercombe, I sighed,
He came down here to help me. Mister Ansell put
on his hat and beckoned mysteriously. Come on out by
(08:30):
the back.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Way, he invited me.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
We shall hear him.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
He is going to speak from the little platform.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
There By, crossing the hotel yard, a fragment of kitchen
garden and a bowling green, we were able to come
within a few yards of where mister Bundercombe, with several
other of mister Horke' supporters, was standing upon a small
raised platform. Two local tradesmen and one helper from London,
addressed a few remarks of the usual sort to an
apathetic audience, which was rapidly increasing in size. It was
(08:57):
only when mister Bundercomb rose to his feet that the
slightest sign enthusiasm manifested itself. Eve looked at me with
a pleased smile. Just look at all of them, she whispered.
How they are hurrying to hear Dad speak. That's all
very well, I grumbled, But he ought to be doing.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
This for me. Her fingers pressed my arm. Listen, she said.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Mister Bundercomb's style was breezy and his jokes were frequent.
He stood in an easy attitude and spoke with remarkable fluency.
His first few remarks, which were mainly humorous, were cheered
to the echo. The crowd was increasing all the time.
Presently he took them into his confidence. When I came
down here a few days ago, we heard him say.
I came meeting to support my friend mister Walmsley.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Groans and cheers.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
That's all right, boys, mister Bundercomb continued, There's nothing the
matter with mister Walmsley. But I come from a country
where there's a bit more kick about politics, and I
pretty soon made up my mind that the kick wasn't
on the side my young friend belongs to. Now just
listen to this, as one businessman to another. I tell
you what I asked Walmsley the first night I was here,
(10:02):
What are you getting out of this? Why are you
going into parliament? He didn't seem to understand. He pleaded
guilty to a four hundred a year fee, but told
me at the same time that it cost him a
good deal more than that in extra charities. I asked
him what pull he got through being in parliament and
how many of his friends you could find places for.
All he could do is smile and tell me that
I didn't understand the way things were done in this country.
(10:24):
He wanted to make me believe that he was anxious
to sit in Parliament there and worked day after day
just for the honor and glory of it, or because
he thought it was his duty. You know, I'm an
American businessman, and that didn't gut any ice with me.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
So I dropped in and had a chat with mister Horwck's.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I soon came to the conclusion that the candidate I'm
here to support tonight is the man who comes a
bit nearer to our idea of practical politics. Over on
the other side of the pond, mister Howks doesn't make
any bones about it. He wants that four hundred a year.
In fact, he needs it ironical cheers. He wants to
call himself MP, because when he goes out to lecture
on socialism, he'll get a ten guinea fee instead of
(11:03):
five on a conelose two letters after his name. Furthermore,
his is the party that understands what I call practical politics.
Every job that's going is given to their friends. And
if there aren't enough jobs to go around, why they
get one of their statesmen to frame a bill. What
you call your insurance builds one of them, I believe,
in which there are several hundred offices that neat filling.
(11:24):
And there you are, mister Ansell and I exchange glances.
The enthusiasm which had greeted mister Bundercump's efforts was giving
place now to murmurs and more ironical cheers. One of
his codjutors at the platform leaned over and whispered in
mister Buttercump's ear.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Mister Bundercump nodded. Gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
He concluded, I'm told that my time is up. I
have explained to my views to you and told you
why I think you want to vote for mister Horrocks.
I have nothing to say against the other fellow, except
that I don't understand his point of view.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Mister Horrocks.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I do understand he's out to do himself a bit
of good, and it's up to you to help him.
A determined tugg Bundercombe's coat tails by one of the
men on the platform, brought him to his seat. Amid
loud bursts of laughter and more cheers. Eve gripped my
arm and we turned slowly away. It's a privilege, I declared, Solomon,
to have ever known your father. If I only had
(12:14):
an idea what he meant about those reading machines, you
couldn't give me a hint, I suppose, Eve, She shook
her head.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Better.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Wait. In the excitement of that final day, I think
both Eve and I completely forgot all about mister Bundercombe.
It was not until we were on our way back
from a motor tour through the outlying parts of the
district that we were forcibly reminded of his existence. Quite
close to a little bit Burrow, the only absolutely hostile
part of my constituency, we came upon what was really
an extraordinary sight. Our chauffeur of his on accord drew
(12:44):
up by the side of the road. Eve and I
rose in our places in a large field on our
left was gathered together, apparently the whole population of the district.
In one corner was a huge marquis, through the open
flaps of which we could catch a glimpse of a
sumptuously arranged cold on a long table. Just outside, covered
with a white cloth, was a vast array of bottles,
(13:05):
and besides it stood a man in a short linen
jacket who struck me as being suspiciously like Fritz, the
bartender of one of mister Bundercombe's favorite haunts in London.
Towards the center of the field, seated upon a ridiculously
inadequate seat on the top of a ribbing machine was
mister Bundercombe. He had divested himself of coat and waistcoat,
and was hatless. The perspiration was streaming down his face
(13:25):
as he gripped the steering wheel. He was followed by
a little crowd of children and sympathizing men, who cheered
him all the time. At a little distance away, on
the other side of a red flag, Henry Jonas, the
large farmer of the district and the speaker on whom
my opponent chiefly relied, was seated upon a similar machine
in a similar state of undress. It was apparent, however,
even to us, that mister Bundercomb's progress was at least
(13:47):
twice as rapid as his opponents.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
What on earth is it all about?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I exclaimed, absolutely bewildered. Eve, who was standing by my side,
clasped her hands round my arm. It seems to me,
she murmured, sweetly, as if Dad were trying his ripping
machine against some one else's. I looked at her demurable smile,
and I looked at the field, in which I recognized
very many of my sponscious opponents. Then I looked at
the marquis. The table there must have been set for
(14:12):
at least a hundred people. Suddenly I received a shock.
Seated underneath the hedge, hatless and coatless, with his hair
in picturesque disorder, was mister Jones's cousin, also a bomin
of Ponnent in my politics, and a nonconformist. He had
a huge tumbler by his side, which, seeing me, he
raged to his lips.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
But all Walmsley, he shouted out.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
No politics to day, much too hot, Come in and
see in the ripping match. He took a long drink,
and I sat down in my car. You know, I
said to mister Emsel, who was sitting on the front seat.
They'll be trouble about this. Mister Ansell was looking a
little great of himself. Is mister Butlercommer really the manufacturer
of that machine? He asked?
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Of course he is, eve replied.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
It's the one hobby of his life, or rather used
to be, she corrected herself hastily. Even now when he
begins talking about his reaping machine, he forgets everything else.
Mister Ansell hurried away and made a few inquiries. Meanwhile,
we watched the progress of the match. Every time mister
Bundercombe had to turn, he rocked in his seat and
retained his balance only with difficulty, and every successful effort
(15:17):
he was loudly cheered by a little group of following enthusiasts.
Mister Ansell returned looking a little more cheerful. Everything is
being given by the Bundercomb Reaping Company, he announced, and
mister Bundercomb's city agent is on the spot prepared to
book orders for the machine. It seems that mister Bundercomb
has backed himself at ten to one in ten pound
notes to beat mister Jonas by half an hour, each
(15:38):
taking half the field. Who's ahead, Eve asked excitedly. Mister
Bundercomb is well ahead, mister Ansell replied, And they say
that he can do better still if he tries. It
looks rather.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Mister Ansell concluded, grubbing his voice as though.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
He were trying to make the thing last out. Anyway,
they're all going to sit down a free meal, that is,
if any of them are able to sit down.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
He added, with a glance around the field. Hello, there's Harrison.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Mister Harrison, recognizing us, descended from his card, came across.
He shook hands with Eve, at whom he glanced in
a somewhat peculiar fashion. Mister Walmsley, he said. A week ago,
we were rather proud of having inveigled away one of
your adherents. All I can say at the present moment
is that we should have been better satisfied if you
had let mister Bundercombe in town. Why he's been speaking
(16:27):
against me at nearly every one of your meetings, I protested,
that's all very well, mister Harrison complained, but he's not
what I should call a convincing speaker. He is a democrat,
all right, and a people's man, and all the rest
of it, but he hasn't got quite the right way
of advocating our principles.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
I have been obliged to ask him.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
To discontinue public speaking until after the election. The fact
of it is, I really believe he's cost us a
good many more votes than he's gained. All he says
is very well, But when he sits down, one feels
that our people are all from what they can get
out of it, and yours are prepared to give their
services for nothing.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
What's all this mean?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I asked, waving my hand towards the field. Mister Harrison
looked at me very steadily. Indeed, then he looked at Eve.
I can only hope that my own expression was as
guileless as Eve's.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
I told you.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
About that hint we were obliged to give mister Bundercombe.
Mister Harrison went on, I suppose this is the result
of it. He seems to have bewitched the whole of
little bit Borrow. There's Jonas there, who is due to
speak at four places today. He will take no notice
of anybody. I walk by the side of his machine,
begging him to get down and come and keep his engagements,
(17:37):
and he took no more notice of me than if
i'd better rabbit. There's my cousin who has more hold
upon the nonconformans of the district than any man I know.
Sitting under a hedge drinking out of a tumbler, there
are at least a score of men with their eyes
glued on that tent, who ought to be hard at
work in the district. I am beginning to doubt whether
they'll even be in in time to vote. Well, what
(18:00):
must be getting on anyway, I said, see you later,
mister Harrison. Mister Harrison nodded a little gloomily, and we
glided off. Eve squeezed my hand under the rug. Isn't
Dad dear?
Speaker 2 (18:11):
She murmured in my ear. Eve was one of the
first to congratulate.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Me when late that night the results came in and
I found that, by a majority of twenty seven votes,
I had been elected the member for the division. Aren't
you glad now, Paul Dear, that we brought father down
here to keep him out of mischief, she whispered. Mister
Butlercum himself held out his hand, Paul, he said, I
congratulate you, my boy. I was on the other side,
but I could take a looking with the best of them.
(18:37):
Congratulate you heartily. He held out his hand and gripped mine.
Once more, he winked. End of Chapter eleven, Part two.
Recording by Todd
Chapter eleven, Part two of An Amiable Charlaton. This is
a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.
For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org.
An Amiable Charlaton by E. Phillips Oppenheim, Chapter eleven, Mister
Bundercomb's Wink, Part two. We had a pleasant luncheon party
(00:24):
at which mister Bundercombe was introduced to some of my supporters,
with whom, as he usually did with every one, he
soon made himself popular. Eve and I then made our
first little effort at canvassing. Eve's methods differed from her father's.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
I am so sorry, she.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Said, as she shook hands with a very influential but
very doubtful voter of the farmer class. But I don't
know anything about English politics, so I can't talk to
you about it as i'd like to. But I know
I am going to marry mister Walmsley and come to
live here, and it would be so nice to feel
that all my friends had voted for him. If you
have a few minutes to spare, mister Brown, would you
please tell me just where you don't agree with Paul
(01:00):
I should so much like to hear, because he tells
me that if once you were on his side, he
would feel most comfortable. Mister Brown, who had always met
my advances with grim taciturnity that made conversation exceedingly difficult,
proceeded to desertate upon one or two of the vexed
questions of the day. I ventured to put in a
few words now and then, and after time he invited
us into tea. When we left, he was more gracious
(01:22):
than I had ever known him to be. And you
must vote for mister Walmsley, Eve declared at the end
of her little speech of thanks, because I want so
much to have you come and take tea with me
on the terrace of the House of Commons. And I
can't unless Paul is a member, can I? Bribery and corruption?
Mister Brown laughed, However, well, see, certainly I have been
very much pleased to hear mister Walmsley's views upon several manners.
(01:44):
When did you say the village meeting was, mister Walmsley
Thursday night, I replied, But I'll come. He promised, You'll
take the chair.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
I begged.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Nothing could do me more good than that, and I
feel sure if you'll just look at things. I was
going to be very eloquent, but Eve interrupted me. Let
me sit next to you, please, she said, looking up
at him with her large, unusually innocent eyes. Well, if
you like, mister Brown assented. We drove off down the
avenue in complete silence. When we had turned the corner,
Eve gave a little sigh. Paul, She declared, I don't
(02:17):
think there's anything I've ever come across in my life.
It's half so much fun as electioneering. Please take me
to the next most difficult. If Eve was a success, however,
mister Bundercombe was to turn out a great disappointment. He
came home a little later for dinner, looking very gloomy. Paul,
he said as we met for a moment in the
smoking room. Paul, I've sad news for you. I'm sorry
(02:38):
to hear it, I replied. I've looked into this little
manner of politics. He continued, I've looked into it as
thoroughly as I can, and I can't support you. You're
on the wrong side, my boy. I've shaken hands with
mister Horricks, and that's the man who'll get the votes
in this constituency. I've promised to do what I can
to help him. I was a little taken aback, not
(03:00):
in earnest, I exclaimed, dead earnest. Mister Bundercombe regretted that
Chap's convinced me. I feel it's up to me to
lend him a hand. But surely, I expostulated, even if
you cannot see your way clear to help me, there's
no need for you to go over to the enemy
like this. You're not obligated to interfere in the election
at all, are you? Mister Bundercombe sighed matter of principle
(03:22):
with me, he explained, I must be doing something I
can't canvass for you. I'll have to look round a
bit for the other chat. I really don't see, I began,
just a little annoyed. Why you should feel called upon
to interfere in an English election at all, unless it
is to help a friend. Mister bundercumb looked at me
and solemnly winked. Say there's the dinner gone, he announced, cheerfully.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Let's be getting in.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
But I don't understand. Mister Bundercomb repeated the wake upon
a smaller scale. I followed him into the drawing room,
still in the darkest to his exact political position. The
movements of my prospective father in law were for the
next few days wrapped in a certain mystery. He arrived
home one evening, however, in a state of extreme indignation,
as usual when anything had happened to upset him.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
He came to look for me in the library.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
My boy, he said, of all the godf's sake, and
out of the world be knighted holes. This big burrow
of yours absolutely takes the cake for sheer, dickheaded, pumptious,
arrogant ignorance. Give me your farmers, what's wrong? I asked him, wrong, listen,
he explained, almost dramatically, In this district, in this whole district, mind,
(04:31):
there's not a single farmer who has heard of thunder
comes reapers. I farm a bid myself, I reminded him,
And I've never heard of them. Mister bundercumb went to
the sideboard and mixed himself a cocktail with great care.
Thunder Comes reapers, he said, as soon as he had
disposed of it, are the only reapers used by live
farmers in the United States of America, Canada, Australia, or
(04:52):
any other country.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Worth ascent that seems to get us pretty hard. I remarked,
have you got an agent over here? Sure?
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Mister Bundercumb replied, I don't follow the sales now, so
I can't tell you what he's doing. But we've an
agent here, and any country that doesn't buy Bundercumb's reapers
is off the line. As regards agriculture, what are you
going to do about it?
Speaker 2 (05:13):
I asked, do?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Mister Bundercombe toyed with his wineglass for a moment and
then set it down. What I have done, he announced,
is this I have wired to my agent. I have
ordered him to ship half a dozen machines, if necessary,
on a special train, and I'm going to give an
exhibition on some land I've hired over by Little Biddleborough
the day after tomorrow. That's the day of the election,
(05:36):
I exclaimed. You couldn't put it off, I suppose, he suggested,
that's the day I fixed from my exhibition. At any rate,
I'm giving the farmers a free lunch. Slap up affair
it's going to be, I can tell you. I am afraid,
I answered, with a holy wasted sarcasm, that the affair
has gone too far now for us to consider an
alteration in the date. Well, well, we must try not
(05:59):
to clash, mister Bundercump said magnanimously. How long does the
voting go on? From eight until eight? I told him,
mister Bundercomb is thoughtful.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
That's a long time to hold them, he murmured.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
To hold who, I demanded. Mister Bundercombs started slightly. Nothing, nothing,
by the bye. Do you know a chap called Jonas,
Henry Jonas of Milton Farm.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Well, I should think I do, I groaned.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
He's the backball of the opposition, the best figure they've got,
and the most popular man. Mister Bundercombe smiled sweetly.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Is that so?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
He observed, Well, well, he is a very intelligent man.
I trust I'll be able to persuade him that any
reaper he may be using at the present moment is
a j compared to Bundercombs, this season's model. I trust
you may, I answered, a tribal tartly. I am glad
you're likely to do a little business, but you won't
mind my reminding you, will you that you really came
(06:55):
down here to give me a leg up with my election,
and not to sell your machines?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
There?
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Has been half your time. I'm in the enemy's camp.
Mister bundercomb smiled. It was a curious smile which seemed
somehow to lose itself in his face. Then the dinner
gong sounded, and he WinCE at me slowly again. I
was conscious of some slight uneasiness. It began to dawn
upon me that there was a scheme somewhere hatching, that
mister Bundercumbe's activity in the camp of the enemy might
(07:21):
perhaps have an unexpected significance. I talked to Eve about
this after dinner, but she reassured me Father talks of
nothing but his reading machines, she declared, Besides, I'm quite
sure he would do nothing indiscreet. Only yesterday I found
him studying a copy of the Act preferred to robbery
and corruption. That's pretty smart, you know, I do know that.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
I admitted. I wish I knew what he was up to.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Though the next day was the last before the election,
the little market of Bigborough was in a state of
considerable excitement. Several open air meetings were held towards evening.
Eve and I, returning from a motor tour of the constituency,
called at the office of my agent. We chatted with
mister Ansell for a little while, and then he pointed
across the square. There is an American there, he said,
(08:08):
with the other side seemed to get hold of He's there,
most popular speaker by a long way. But I gathered
there a little uneasy about him. Didn't I have the
pleasure of meeting him at your house, mister Bundercombe, I sighed,
He came down here to help me. Mister Ansell put
on his hat and beckoned mysteriously. Come on out by
(08:30):
the back.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Way, he invited me.
Speaker 1 (08:32):
We shall hear him.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
He is going to speak from the little platform.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
There By, crossing the hotel yard, a fragment of kitchen
garden and a bowling green, we were able to come
within a few yards of where mister Bundercombe, with several
other of mister Horke' supporters, was standing upon a small
raised platform. Two local tradesmen and one helper from London,
addressed a few remarks of the usual sort to an
apathetic audience, which was rapidly increasing in size. It was
(08:57):
only when mister Bundercomb rose to his feet that the
slightest sign enthusiasm manifested itself. Eve looked at me with
a pleased smile. Just look at all of them, she whispered.
How they are hurrying to hear Dad speak. That's all
very well, I grumbled, But he ought to be doing.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
This for me. Her fingers pressed my arm. Listen, she said.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Mister Bundercomb's style was breezy and his jokes were frequent.
He stood in an easy attitude and spoke with remarkable fluency.
His first few remarks, which were mainly humorous, were cheered
to the echo. The crowd was increasing all the time.
Presently he took them into his confidence. When I came
down here a few days ago, we heard him say.
I came meeting to support my friend mister Walmsley.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Groans and cheers.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
That's all right, boys, mister Bundercomb continued, There's nothing the
matter with mister Walmsley. But I come from a country
where there's a bit more kick about politics, and I
pretty soon made up my mind that the kick wasn't
on the side my young friend belongs to. Now just
listen to this, as one businessman to another. I tell
you what I asked Walmsley the first night I was here,
(10:02):
What are you getting out of this? Why are you
going into parliament? He didn't seem to understand. He pleaded
guilty to a four hundred a year fee, but told
me at the same time that it cost him a
good deal more than that in extra charities. I asked
him what pull he got through being in parliament and
how many of his friends you could find places for.
All he could do is smile and tell me that
I didn't understand the way things were done in this country.
(10:24):
He wanted to make me believe that he was anxious
to sit in Parliament there and worked day after day
just for the honor and glory of it, or because
he thought it was his duty. You know, I'm an
American businessman, and that didn't gut any ice with me.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
So I dropped in and had a chat with mister Horwck's.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I soon came to the conclusion that the candidate I'm
here to support tonight is the man who comes a
bit nearer to our idea of practical politics. Over on
the other side of the pond, mister Howks doesn't make
any bones about it. He wants that four hundred a year.
In fact, he needs it ironical cheers. He wants to
call himself MP, because when he goes out to lecture
on socialism, he'll get a ten guinea fee instead of
(11:03):
five on a conelose two letters after his name. Furthermore,
his is the party that understands what I call practical politics.
Every job that's going is given to their friends. And
if there aren't enough jobs to go around, why they
get one of their statesmen to frame a bill. What
you call your insurance builds one of them, I believe,
in which there are several hundred offices that neat filling.
(11:24):
And there you are, mister Ansell and I exchange glances.
The enthusiasm which had greeted mister Bundercump's efforts was giving
place now to murmurs and more ironical cheers. One of
his codjutors at the platform leaned over and whispered in
mister Buttercump's ear.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Mister Bundercump nodded. Gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
He concluded, I'm told that my time is up. I
have explained to my views to you and told you
why I think you want to vote for mister Horrocks.
I have nothing to say against the other fellow, except
that I don't understand his point of view.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Mister Horrocks.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
I do understand he's out to do himself a bit
of good, and it's up to you to help him.
A determined tugg Bundercombe's coat tails by one of the
men on the platform, brought him to his seat. Amid
loud bursts of laughter and more cheers. Eve gripped my
arm and we turned slowly away. It's a privilege, I declared, Solomon,
to have ever known your father. If I only had
(12:14):
an idea what he meant about those reading machines, you
couldn't give me a hint, I suppose, Eve, She shook
her head.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
Better.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
Wait. In the excitement of that final day, I think
both Eve and I completely forgot all about mister Bundercombe.
It was not until we were on our way back
from a motor tour through the outlying parts of the
district that we were forcibly reminded of his existence. Quite
close to a little bit Burrow, the only absolutely hostile
part of my constituency, we came upon what was really
an extraordinary sight. Our chauffeur of his on accord drew
(12:44):
up by the side of the road. Eve and I
rose in our places in a large field on our
left was gathered together, apparently the whole population of the district.
In one corner was a huge marquis, through the open
flaps of which we could catch a glimpse of a
sumptuously arranged cold on a long table. Just outside, covered
with a white cloth, was a vast array of bottles,
(13:05):
and besides it stood a man in a short linen
jacket who struck me as being suspiciously like Fritz, the
bartender of one of mister Bundercombe's favorite haunts in London.
Towards the center of the field, seated upon a ridiculously
inadequate seat on the top of a ribbing machine was
mister Bundercombe. He had divested himself of coat and waistcoat,
and was hatless. The perspiration was streaming down his face
(13:25):
as he gripped the steering wheel. He was followed by
a little crowd of children and sympathizing men, who cheered
him all the time. At a little distance away, on
the other side of a red flag, Henry Jonas, the
large farmer of the district and the speaker on whom
my opponent chiefly relied, was seated upon a similar machine
in a similar state of undress. It was apparent, however,
even to us, that mister Bundercomb's progress was at least
(13:47):
twice as rapid as his opponents.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
What on earth is it all about?
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I exclaimed, absolutely bewildered. Eve, who was standing by my side,
clasped her hands round my arm. It seems to me,
she murmured, sweetly, as if Dad were trying his ripping
machine against some one else's. I looked at her demurable smile,
and I looked at the field, in which I recognized
very many of my sponscious opponents. Then I looked at
the marquis. The table there must have been set for
(14:12):
at least a hundred people. Suddenly I received a shock.
Seated underneath the hedge, hatless and coatless, with his hair
in picturesque disorder, was mister Jones's cousin, also a bomin
of Ponnent in my politics, and a nonconformist. He had
a huge tumbler by his side, which, seeing me, he
raged to his lips.
Speaker 2 (14:29):
But all Walmsley, he shouted out.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
No politics to day, much too hot, Come in and
see in the ripping match. He took a long drink,
and I sat down in my car. You know, I
said to mister Emsel, who was sitting on the front seat.
They'll be trouble about this. Mister Ansell was looking a
little great of himself. Is mister Butlercommer really the manufacturer
of that machine? He asked?
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Of course he is, eve replied.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
It's the one hobby of his life, or rather used
to be, she corrected herself hastily. Even now when he
begins talking about his reaping machine, he forgets everything else.
Mister Ansell hurried away and made a few inquiries. Meanwhile,
we watched the progress of the match. Every time mister
Bundercombe had to turn, he rocked in his seat and
retained his balance only with difficulty, and every successful effort
(15:17):
he was loudly cheered by a little group of following enthusiasts.
Mister Ansell returned looking a little more cheerful. Everything is
being given by the Bundercomb Reaping Company, he announced, and
mister Bundercomb's city agent is on the spot prepared to
book orders for the machine. It seems that mister Bundercomb
has backed himself at ten to one in ten pound
notes to beat mister Jonas by half an hour, each
(15:38):
taking half the field. Who's ahead, Eve asked excitedly. Mister
Bundercomb is well ahead, mister Ansell replied, And they say
that he can do better still if he tries. It
looks rather.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Mister Ansell concluded, grubbing his voice as though.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
He were trying to make the thing last out. Anyway,
they're all going to sit down a free meal, that is,
if any of them are able to sit down.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
He added, with a glance around the field. Hello, there's Harrison.
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Mister Harrison, recognizing us, descended from his card, came across.
He shook hands with Eve, at whom he glanced in
a somewhat peculiar fashion. Mister Walmsley, he said. A week ago,
we were rather proud of having inveigled away one of
your adherents. All I can say at the present moment
is that we should have been better satisfied if you
had let mister Bundercombe in town. Why he's been speaking
(16:27):
against me at nearly every one of your meetings, I protested,
that's all very well, mister Harrison complained, but he's not
what I should call a convincing speaker. He is a democrat,
all right, and a people's man, and all the rest
of it, but he hasn't got quite the right way
of advocating our principles.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
I have been obliged to ask him.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
To discontinue public speaking until after the election. The fact
of it is, I really believe he's cost us a
good many more votes than he's gained. All he says
is very well, But when he sits down, one feels
that our people are all from what they can get
out of it, and yours are prepared to give their
services for nothing.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
What's all this mean?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I asked, waving my hand towards the field. Mister Harrison
looked at me very steadily. Indeed, then he looked at Eve.
I can only hope that my own expression was as
guileless as Eve's.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
I told you.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
About that hint we were obliged to give mister Bundercombe.
Mister Harrison went on, I suppose this is the result
of it. He seems to have bewitched the whole of
little bit Borrow. There's Jonas there, who is due to
speak at four places today. He will take no notice
of anybody. I walk by the side of his machine,
begging him to get down and come and keep his engagements,
(17:37):
and he took no more notice of me than if
i'd better rabbit. There's my cousin who has more hold
upon the nonconformans of the district than any man I know.
Sitting under a hedge drinking out of a tumbler, there
are at least a score of men with their eyes
glued on that tent, who ought to be hard at
work in the district. I am beginning to doubt whether
they'll even be in in time to vote. Well, what
(18:00):
must be getting on anyway, I said, see you later,
mister Harrison. Mister Harrison nodded a little gloomily, and we
glided off. Eve squeezed my hand under the rug. Isn't
Dad dear?
Speaker 2 (18:11):
She murmured in my ear. Eve was one of the
first to congratulate.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Me when late that night the results came in and
I found that, by a majority of twenty seven votes,
I had been elected the member for the division. Aren't
you glad now, Paul Dear, that we brought father down
here to keep him out of mischief, she whispered. Mister
Butlercum himself held out his hand, Paul, he said, I
congratulate you, my boy. I was on the other side,
but I could take a looking with the best of them.
(18:37):
Congratulate you heartily. He held out his hand and gripped mine.
Once more, he winked. End of Chapter eleven, Part two.
Recording by Todd
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