May 15, 2025 • 22 mins
Journey with Paul Walmsley, a well-known regular at Stephanos, as his peaceful dinner is interrupted by a fast-acting stranger who not only steals his meal but also hands him a mysterious packet beneath the table. This encounter marks the start of exhilarating adventures with the enigmatic American adventurer, Joseph H. Parker and his charming daughter, Eve. Please note that there is an alternative narration for section 8, both renditions are equally compelling and we invite you to enjoy either or both.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter fifteen of An Amiable Charlatan. This is a LibriVox recording.
All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording
by Kirsten Webber. An Amiable Charlatan by E. Phillips Oppenheim,
(00:21):
Chapter fifteen, Lord Porthoning's lesson. Mister Bundercombe laid his hand
compellingly on my arm. Who's the wisened up little insect?
With a snarl on his face, he inquired of me earnestly.
My slight impulse of irritation at such a description applied
(00:42):
to one of my wedding guests past. When I looked
up and saw the person to whom mister Bundercombe had
directed my attention, I recognized the adequacy of the wording.
That I replied, is the Earl of Porthoning kind of connection,
isn't he? Mister Bundercombe inquired, I nodded. His son married
(01:04):
my sister. Mister Bundercombe regarded him with a certain wistfulness
which I did not at the moment understand. Just then,
Lord Porthoning made his way towards us. As I watched
him approach. I realized more than ever the justice of
mister Bundercombe's description he was undersized, bent nearly double, and
(01:24):
on his wizened face, and shining out of his narrow
black eyes, was an indescribable expression of malevolence. Even the
smile with which he greeted me had something unpleasant in it. Will, Paul,
he exclaimed, Will, my boy, so you're hooked at last?
Are you considering that I was enjoying a few minutes
(01:45):
respite in my task of helping Eve receive our wedding guests.
The statement, though crude, was obvious enough. Glad to see you,
Lord Portning, I said, lying miserably, do you know my
father in law, mister Bundercombe. Mister Bundercomb extended his ready hand,
which my connection, however, appeared not to see. Yes, yes,
(02:06):
he admitted. Some one pointed him out to me. I asked,
who on earth? It could be? No offense, mind, Lord
Porthining continued, but I hate all Americans and our connections
with them. I have been looking at your presence, Paul,
A poorish lot, A poorish lot. Now. I was at
Dick Stanley's wedding last week, married Colonel Morrison's daughter. You
(02:29):
know never saw such jewelry in my life. Four necklaces
and a tiara from the Duchess of Webster that must
have been worth a cool ten thousand pounds. I am
sorry my wedding presents do not meet with your approval,
I remarked personally. I think it's very kind of my
friends to send me anything at all. Rubbish, Paul, rubbish,
(02:50):
my amiable connection, interjected irritably. Don't talk like an idiot.
You know they sent you things because they've got to.
You've been through at your self. Must have cost you
a pretty penny in your time sending out wedding presents.
Now you reap the harvest. I suppose, I observed dryly
that yours is the reasonable point of view. Absolutely, my
(03:13):
dear fellow. Absolutely, Lord Forthening declared. Of course, you couldn't
expect quite the same enthusiasm on the part of your
friends when you marry young lady who was a stranger
to all of them and who comes from the backwoods
of America. Can't think how it is you young Englishmen can
marry nothing nowadays unless it shows its legs upon the
(03:34):
stage or has a transatlantic drawl. I am going in
to see if the Champagne their opening now is any better.
The fast glass I had was a horrid My father
in law watched him disappear through the crowd and stood
patiently by my side while I exchanged greetings with a
few newly arrived friends. Say he observed presently as soon
(03:56):
as the opportunity arose for private conversation. He's a pleasant
old gentleman, that connection of yours. Glad you think so,
I answered, I don't call myself a bad natured fellow,
And to day I feel inclined to be friends with
every one. But I tell you frankly, I can't bear
the sight of Lord Porthenham. He had to be asked,
(04:18):
but he's like a wet blanket wherever he goes. Mister
Bundcombe glanced round a moment. Then he leaned toward me.
His manner was earnest, almost pleading, Paul, he said, dropping
his voice to a whisper. Don't you think it's up
to us to give a disagreeable little worm like that
a bit of a lesson? Eh? His lordship has his
(04:40):
own way too much. Now, if you'll leave it to me,
I'll give him just a kind of scare, a shake up,
you know, no real harm, just to teach him, perhaps
not to open his mouth so much. What do you say, Paul,
I tan't and looked at my father in law. His
expression was that of a school boy begging for a holiday.
(05:02):
His head was a little on one side, his lips
were parted in an insinuating smile. Twas a weak moment
with me, so far as such a time can be
applied to such an event. The wedding ceremony, which was
just over, had been a great success. Eve had looked
simply as beautiful as a beautiful girl can look on
the one morning of her life. My father in law
(05:25):
had been dignified and correct in his behavior, and a
merciful misadventure of missus Bundercombe was a policeman three days previously,
which had led her to being arrested with a hammer
in her satchel, had finally resulted in her being forced
to partake of the hospitality of Holloway for the period
of fourteen days. In fact, everything just then with me
(05:47):
was cooler, d'orouse The presents my crabbed connection spoke are
so lightly had been supplemented only an hour before by
surely the most magnificent wedding offering from my father in
law that any man could have made the house in
which we were, and the whole furniture. Twas hard to
(06:08):
refuse mister Bundercombe anything. Before I knew exactly what had happened,
my smile had answered his well, I said, I rely
upon your discretion, mister Bundercombe. Our little lesson would certainly
do Lord Pultening no harm. Whereupon mister Bundercombe, fearing apparently
that I might change my mind, vanished among the crowd,
(06:31):
and the matter to tell the truth disappeared from my mind.
For a short time, I was surrounded by friends, and
the occasion joyful, though it was possessed a certain unique
sentimentality that I found sufficiently absorbing. Eve brought me the
latest telegram from Missus Bundercombe, which we read together. Insist
(06:52):
upon ceremony being postponed. I am commencing hunger strike shall
be with you in three days. Your stepmother's intent, I
remarked to Eve, maybe excellent, but I don't think they'll
bring her so far as the Austrian tyrole. Eve's eyes
were lit with laughter. A few moments later, however, she sighed,
(07:14):
Poor Dad. She murmured, I'm afraid he'll have terrible time
when she does come out. He'd have a worse if
she knew. I rejoined half to myself. Eve looked at
me suspiciously. She drew a little nearer all. She whispered
into my ear. Is it true that the inspector who
(07:34):
had her followed all that morning was a friend of Dad's?
I shook my head. I am giving nobody away, I
replied firmly. Of course, there were certain troubles to be
got over in connection with your mother's presence to day.
You remember her saying, for instance, that she would break
every bottle of wine she found being served. Eve nodded. Perhaps,
(07:58):
she murmured, with a half smile, it is for the best.
Where's Dad? I glanced round the room, and at that
moment I saw mister Bundercombe making signs to me from
the doorway. A herrid told him, and he drew me
out into the hall. Things are in train, Paul, he announced, cheerfully.
Now all I want from you is just the smallest
(08:19):
amount of help in this little affair. I looked at
him blackly. I had forgotten all about Lord paulsoning. It's
a very small share. Indeed, mister Bundercombe continued pleadingly. But
such as it is, it's up to you to take
it on. At this moment, there the little insect goes
into the cloak room. He has gone for his hat
(08:40):
and coach. All you've got to do is just to
follow him and ask him to come back for one moment.
That little room on the left across the hall is empty.
Bring him into that. Leave the rest to me. You're
not going too far, are you, I asked you? See,
after all, the old Blagger is a sort of connection.
(09:02):
Mister Bundercombe laid his hand on my shoulder. My boy,
he said, there will be nothing but just a little
incident that you can tell to Eve and laugh about
on your way to the station. That I promise you.
I nodded and crossed the hall. Lord Porthaning was preparing
to leave. Have my car called up, he ordered the
(09:23):
footman from the doorstep. Mind, I'm not going to hang
about on the pavement in his son for any one.
If that's the motor waiting for the young people, that'll
have to get out of the way. Lord Porthany's car
at once young fellow. Hello, Paul, he added, come to
see me off, Eh, Could I have just one word
(09:44):
with you, Lord Porthoning, I begged, as casually as possible.
Be quick, then, if I haven't wished you happiness, it's
because I can't see what trance you have of getting it.
But I suppose you're like all other young fools on
their wedding day, and you think the sun's shining only
for you. I am afraid, I retorted, a little nettled
(10:05):
that I had not noticed the absence of your good wishes.
I wished to speak to you on another matter. Lord
Porthaning turned quickly and looked at me. There was a
change in his expression that puzzled me. Well out with it,
he snapped. I pointed to the door across the hall.
I want you to step this way, I said firmly.
(10:27):
I expected an irritable outburst, but to my surprise, he
turned and preceded me towards the door. We entered the
room and found mister Bundercombe there alone. Lord Porthaning looked
from one to the other of us. His heavy gray
eyebrows were drawn together. His face was the embodiment of
a snarl. Now what in the name of all that's reasonable,
(10:50):
he began, in his hard, rasping voice, made you bring
me in here. I don't want to better my acquaintance
with that old man, your father in law. I'd a
deal roller, he'd stayed in his own country. I don't
like the looks of him. I hate fat men. Don't
keep me waiting here up all. If you want my advice,
I'll give it to you. If you want anything else,
(11:12):
you won't get it. Mister Bundercombe had moved softly round
until he was standing with his back to the door.
His manner was the one he had assumed so successfully
in charge, dignified, almost solemn, Paul, he said, I asked
you to invite this person in here, because now that
you are Eve's husband, I felt that the interests of
(11:34):
your family must be considered before my own inclinations. In
my country, we treat all men alike. And I am
bound to say that if you'd been married to Eve
out in Okata, and I'd seen any old skunk, whether
he'd been an earl or what he looks like, a
second hand clothes dealer, sneaking Eve's presence, I'd have had
(11:58):
him in prison before you'd reached the st Mister Bundercombe,
I exclaimed, horrified, seemed to me that my father in
law was carrying this affair little too far. Lord Porthoning,
from whom I had expected a torrent of fierce abuse,
stood looking at us both with an expression no written
words could portray. His cheeks were ashen, His hands, which
(12:21):
were crossed upon the knob of his cane, were shaking.
Mister Bundercombe extended his right hand. Sir, he concluded sternly,
for the sake of the conventions of the country in
which I find myself, and bearing in mind your connection
with my son in law, I have kept the police
out of this interview, be so good as to hand
(12:43):
over to Paul the emerald brooch you have secreted in
your coat pocket. The pall of silence seemed suddenly removed.
Lord Portening leaned forward. Then he began to talk. Any
sympathy I might have had for him, any feeling I
may have had that my father in law's retributive scheme
(13:03):
was of too drastic a nature, vanished before he had
finished the first three sentences. Mister Bundercombe, upon whom he
heaped abuse of the most virulent character remained unmoved. When
at last Lord Porthaning paused for breath. I turned toward
my father in law. What does this mean, I asked?
(13:26):
It means? Mister Bundercombe explained that this gentleman who finds
my daughter's presence so inadequate, was actually leaving your house
with an emerald brooch belonging to Eve in the right
hand pocket of his coat. Lord Porthaning was once more incoherent.
This time, however, I stopped him. I was already heartily
(13:46):
sick of the affair, but at the stage I could
not back out Lord Porthaning, I said, there is no
necessity for such vigorous denials. The matter is easily arranged.
You had better permit me to examine the pocket in question.
I'll see you and your common bully of a father
in law in hell before I allow either of you
(14:07):
to touch me or my clothing. My pleasant connection declared fiercely.
Get out of my way, both of you, and be
thankful if you don't have to answer for this outrage
in a police court. He swaggered toward the door. Mister Bundercombe,
who had appeared to stand on one side, suddenly caught
him by the shoulders feel in his right hand pocket.
(14:29):
Paul he bade me. I did so, and promptly produced
the brooch. Lord Portening's eyes seemed almost to start from
his head. I could see that he suddenly became limp
in mister Bundercombe's grasp. His eyes were fixed on the jewels,
and his amazement was undeniable. Mister Bundercombe winked at me
(14:50):
over his head. What is the meaning of this, Lord Porsening,
I demanded as sternly as I could. My courage was
failing me, I felt at the joke, after all had
been a severe one. Lord Porthoning seemed almost on the
point of collapse. His eyes never once left the brooch
which I was holding. Ah, I didn't take it, he gasped,
(15:13):
Is is swear I didn't take it? I was anxious
now to finish the affair, Lord Porthoning, I said, I
will take your word. You say you never took the brooch,
very well, we will assume, for the sake of the family,
that it found its way into your pocket by accident.
Lord Porthoning felt his forehead. There were big drops of
(15:34):
sweats standing out there. There was something in his extreme
agitation that was in a way incomprehensible. He edged toward
the door. Ah, I didn't take it, he muttered, Let
me go, let me get away. Mister Bundercombe stood on
one side. My hand was on the handle of the door.
(15:54):
I looked at my father in law questioningly. My sympathies
were now almost with the enemy, but I felt bound
to see the affair through. It was you who discovered
this little accident, I remarked, I think you will agree
with me that it is best to say nothing more
about it. Mister Bundercombe once more winked at me solemnly
(16:15):
over the head of my stricken connection. I quite agree
with you, Paul, he said. Under the circumstances, we will
let nothing happen to disturb the festivities and harmony of
the day. Lord Porthaning certainly will not object if we
just satisfy ourselves that the brooch was the only instance
of momentary aberration? Shall we call it? If Lord Portening's
(16:41):
attitude had been a little mysterious before, twas absolutely incomprehensible.
Now He stood suddenly upright and brandished his cane over
his head. If either of you touched me, he shouted fiercely,
I'll break your skulls. This is blackmail. I'lls end for
the police. Let me go. His sudden fit of anger justifiable,
(17:04):
though it certainly seemed on the face of it, nevertheless
took both mister Bundercombe and myself by a surprise. The former, indeed,
was in the act of opening the door when he
paused once more. He caught my connection by the collar
and thrust his hand into the other coat pocket. When
he withdrew it, it was filled with rings, a bracelet,
(17:27):
and a pendant. He threw them silently a glittering heap
on the table without a word. He thrust his hand
once more in and brought out a little black ivory
carving of a Japanese muck. Twas perhaps one of the
most valuable of my offerings. There was a blankness in
mister Bundercombe's expression that I could not understand. I frowned.
(17:52):
It seemed to me the affair had now gone much
too far. Lord Porthaning had staggered to a chair and
was sitting there with his face burying in his hands.
He was a stricken man. I turned to my father
in law. This is too much of a good thing, sir,
I whispered angrily. The brooch was all right enough so
far as it went, and he deserved a lesson. But
(18:14):
these other things. A look in mister Bundercombe's face suddenly
froze the words upon my lips. He leaned over toward me, Paul,
he declared, earnestly, on my honor. I put nothing into
his pocket except the brooch. I knew no more of
those things, he added, pointing to the table, than you did.
(18:37):
I was speechless. Lord Pultening looked up. I had never
seen a face quite like his in my life. One
side of it seemed drawn with pain. He checked a sob.
His fingers gripped at the air as he spoke, Paul,
he begged hysterically, don't give me away. I give you
(18:57):
my word of honor. I give you my word as
a porthoning. I can't help it. You know what they
call the damned thing when women have it, kleptomania, isn't it?
I tell you, I can't see these things without that same, horrible, fascinating,
cruel instinct. My hands are on them before I know it,
But he broke off. It's sending me mad, Paul. For
(19:21):
as I live, I never put hands on that brooch.
How long has this been going on? I asked, almost mechanically.
Perhaps you are the reason that it has become the
fashion to send detectives to guard's wedding presents. I am
the reason, Lord Porthoning confessed, his voice shaking, Paul, somehow
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I believe, I believe this has stopped it. You'll kill
the instinct. Listen, you are off. Directly, let this gentleman,
your father in law, come round to my house. I
will restore to him. I swear every article I have
ever taken in this fashion. He can find out the
owners by degrees that I promised I will never again
(20:04):
attend a wedding reception. So long as I live outside,
I could hear them calling for me. I glanced at
the clock. It was within a few minutes of the
time fixed for our departure. Mister Bundercombe nodded to me
very well. I agreed, it shall be as you say.
I'll wait here, Lord Porsning said, in a trembling tone.
(20:27):
Mister Bundercombe can come back for me after he's seen
you off. He can go home with me in the motor.
Take take care of those things, mister Bundercombe covered them
over with an antimachisa. We left Lord Porsening sitting there
and went out into the hall where Eve was already waiting.
Mister Bundercombe was a little unnerved, but he pulled himself
(20:49):
together word of honor, Paul, he declared, I never saw
the old rat take a thing. I simply landed him
with the brooch. It was not until he was gone
going out that I caught a glimpse of those other
things in his pocket. We drove off ten minutes later.
I looked out of the motor as we swung round
(21:10):
into the main thoroughfare. Behind the window of the little
sitting room, I saw the pale, almost ghastly face of
Lord Porthening. He caught my eye and waved his hand weakly.
On the pavement. In front of the striped awning stood
mister Bundercombe, large beaming, both hands outstretched. Eve waved her handkerchief.
(21:32):
As we finally disappeared, she glanced towards me. Has Dad
been up to anything, Paul, she asked, He has just
that kind of satisfied expression that always used to terrify me,
like a cat that's slicking its whiskers after a stolen
saucer of milk, I suggested, She laughed. You mustn't make
(21:54):
fun of dad, she begged. He's such a dear I
shall never attempt to make fun of your father, I
assured her fervently. I think he is quite the most
remarkable man I ever met. And now end of chapter fifteen.
(22:18):
End of an Amiable Charlatan by E. Phillips Oppenheim. Recording
by Kirsten Webber
Chapter fifteen of An Amiable Charlatan. This is a LibriVox recording.
All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Recording
by Kirsten Webber. An Amiable Charlatan by E. Phillips Oppenheim,
(00:21):
Chapter fifteen, Lord Porthoning's lesson. Mister Bundercombe laid his hand
compellingly on my arm. Who's the wisened up little insect?
With a snarl on his face, he inquired of me earnestly.
My slight impulse of irritation at such a description applied
(00:42):
to one of my wedding guests past. When I looked
up and saw the person to whom mister Bundercombe had
directed my attention, I recognized the adequacy of the wording.
That I replied, is the Earl of Porthoning kind of connection,
isn't he? Mister Bundercombe inquired, I nodded. His son married
(01:04):
my sister. Mister Bundercombe regarded him with a certain wistfulness
which I did not at the moment understand. Just then,
Lord Porthoning made his way towards us. As I watched
him approach. I realized more than ever the justice of
mister Bundercombe's description he was undersized, bent nearly double, and
(01:24):
on his wizened face, and shining out of his narrow
black eyes, was an indescribable expression of malevolence. Even the
smile with which he greeted me had something unpleasant in it. Will, Paul,
he exclaimed, Will, my boy, so you're hooked at last?
Are you considering that I was enjoying a few minutes
(01:45):
respite in my task of helping Eve receive our wedding guests.
The statement, though crude, was obvious enough. Glad to see you,
Lord Portning, I said, lying miserably, do you know my
father in law, mister Bundercombe. Mister Bundercomb extended his ready hand,
which my connection, however, appeared not to see. Yes, yes,
(02:06):
he admitted. Some one pointed him out to me. I asked,
who on earth? It could be? No offense, mind, Lord
Porthining continued, but I hate all Americans and our connections
with them. I have been looking at your presence, Paul,
A poorish lot, A poorish lot. Now. I was at
Dick Stanley's wedding last week, married Colonel Morrison's daughter. You
(02:29):
know never saw such jewelry in my life. Four necklaces
and a tiara from the Duchess of Webster that must
have been worth a cool ten thousand pounds. I am
sorry my wedding presents do not meet with your approval,
I remarked personally. I think it's very kind of my
friends to send me anything at all. Rubbish, Paul, rubbish,
(02:50):
my amiable connection, interjected irritably. Don't talk like an idiot.
You know they sent you things because they've got to.
You've been through at your self. Must have cost you
a pretty penny in your time sending out wedding presents.
Now you reap the harvest. I suppose, I observed dryly
that yours is the reasonable point of view. Absolutely, my
(03:13):
dear fellow. Absolutely, Lord Forthening declared. Of course, you couldn't
expect quite the same enthusiasm on the part of your
friends when you marry young lady who was a stranger
to all of them and who comes from the backwoods
of America. Can't think how it is you young Englishmen can
marry nothing nowadays unless it shows its legs upon the
(03:34):
stage or has a transatlantic drawl. I am going in
to see if the Champagne their opening now is any better.
The fast glass I had was a horrid My father
in law watched him disappear through the crowd and stood
patiently by my side while I exchanged greetings with a
few newly arrived friends. Say he observed presently as soon
(03:56):
as the opportunity arose for private conversation. He's a pleasant
old gentleman, that connection of yours. Glad you think so,
I answered, I don't call myself a bad natured fellow,
And to day I feel inclined to be friends with
every one. But I tell you frankly, I can't bear
the sight of Lord Porthenham. He had to be asked,
(04:18):
but he's like a wet blanket wherever he goes. Mister
Bundcombe glanced round a moment. Then he leaned toward me.
His manner was earnest, almost pleading, Paul, he said, dropping
his voice to a whisper. Don't you think it's up
to us to give a disagreeable little worm like that
a bit of a lesson? Eh? His lordship has his
(04:40):
own way too much. Now, if you'll leave it to me,
I'll give him just a kind of scare, a shake up,
you know, no real harm, just to teach him, perhaps
not to open his mouth so much. What do you say, Paul,
I tan't and looked at my father in law. His
expression was that of a school boy begging for a holiday.
(05:02):
His head was a little on one side, his lips
were parted in an insinuating smile. Twas a weak moment
with me, so far as such a time can be
applied to such an event. The wedding ceremony, which was
just over, had been a great success. Eve had looked
simply as beautiful as a beautiful girl can look on
the one morning of her life. My father in law
(05:25):
had been dignified and correct in his behavior, and a
merciful misadventure of missus Bundercombe was a policeman three days previously,
which had led her to being arrested with a hammer
in her satchel, had finally resulted in her being forced
to partake of the hospitality of Holloway for the period
of fourteen days. In fact, everything just then with me
(05:47):
was cooler, d'orouse The presents my crabbed connection spoke are
so lightly had been supplemented only an hour before by
surely the most magnificent wedding offering from my father in
law that any man could have made the house in
which we were, and the whole furniture. Twas hard to
(06:08):
refuse mister Bundercombe anything. Before I knew exactly what had happened,
my smile had answered his well, I said, I rely
upon your discretion, mister Bundercombe. Our little lesson would certainly
do Lord Pultening no harm. Whereupon mister Bundercombe, fearing apparently
that I might change my mind, vanished among the crowd,
(06:31):
and the matter to tell the truth disappeared from my mind.
For a short time, I was surrounded by friends, and
the occasion joyful, though it was possessed a certain unique
sentimentality that I found sufficiently absorbing. Eve brought me the
latest telegram from Missus Bundercombe, which we read together. Insist
(06:52):
upon ceremony being postponed. I am commencing hunger strike shall
be with you in three days. Your stepmother's intent, I
remarked to Eve, maybe excellent, but I don't think they'll
bring her so far as the Austrian tyrole. Eve's eyes
were lit with laughter. A few moments later, however, she sighed,
(07:14):
Poor Dad. She murmured, I'm afraid he'll have terrible time
when she does come out. He'd have a worse if
she knew. I rejoined half to myself. Eve looked at
me suspiciously. She drew a little nearer all. She whispered
into my ear. Is it true that the inspector who
(07:34):
had her followed all that morning was a friend of Dad's?
I shook my head. I am giving nobody away, I
replied firmly. Of course, there were certain troubles to be
got over in connection with your mother's presence to day.
You remember her saying, for instance, that she would break
every bottle of wine she found being served. Eve nodded. Perhaps,
(07:58):
she murmured, with a half smile, it is for the best.
Where's Dad? I glanced round the room, and at that
moment I saw mister Bundercombe making signs to me from
the doorway. A herrid told him, and he drew me
out into the hall. Things are in train, Paul, he announced, cheerfully.
Now all I want from you is just the smallest
(08:19):
amount of help in this little affair. I looked at
him blackly. I had forgotten all about Lord paulsoning. It's
a very small share. Indeed, mister Bundercombe continued pleadingly. But
such as it is, it's up to you to take
it on. At this moment, there the little insect goes
into the cloak room. He has gone for his hat
(08:40):
and coach. All you've got to do is just to
follow him and ask him to come back for one moment.
That little room on the left across the hall is empty.
Bring him into that. Leave the rest to me. You're
not going too far, are you, I asked you? See,
after all, the old Blagger is a sort of connection.
(09:02):
Mister Bundercombe laid his hand on my shoulder. My boy,
he said, there will be nothing but just a little
incident that you can tell to Eve and laugh about
on your way to the station. That I promise you.
I nodded and crossed the hall. Lord Porthaning was preparing
to leave. Have my car called up, he ordered the
(09:23):
footman from the doorstep. Mind, I'm not going to hang
about on the pavement in his son for any one.
If that's the motor waiting for the young people, that'll
have to get out of the way. Lord Porthany's car
at once young fellow. Hello, Paul, he added, come to
see me off, Eh, Could I have just one word
(09:44):
with you, Lord Porthoning, I begged, as casually as possible.
Be quick, then, if I haven't wished you happiness, it's
because I can't see what trance you have of getting it.
But I suppose you're like all other young fools on
their wedding day, and you think the sun's shining only
for you. I am afraid, I retorted, a little nettled
(10:05):
that I had not noticed the absence of your good wishes.
I wished to speak to you on another matter. Lord
Porthaning turned quickly and looked at me. There was a
change in his expression that puzzled me. Well out with it,
he snapped. I pointed to the door across the hall.
I want you to step this way, I said firmly.
(10:27):
I expected an irritable outburst, but to my surprise, he
turned and preceded me towards the door. We entered the
room and found mister Bundercombe there alone. Lord Porthaning looked
from one to the other of us. His heavy gray
eyebrows were drawn together. His face was the embodiment of
a snarl. Now what in the name of all that's reasonable,
(10:50):
he began, in his hard, rasping voice, made you bring
me in here. I don't want to better my acquaintance
with that old man, your father in law. I'd a
deal roller, he'd stayed in his own country. I don't
like the looks of him. I hate fat men. Don't
keep me waiting here up all. If you want my advice,
I'll give it to you. If you want anything else,
(11:12):
you won't get it. Mister Bundercombe had moved softly round
until he was standing with his back to the door.
His manner was the one he had assumed so successfully
in charge, dignified, almost solemn, Paul, he said, I asked
you to invite this person in here, because now that
you are Eve's husband, I felt that the interests of
(11:34):
your family must be considered before my own inclinations. In
my country, we treat all men alike. And I am
bound to say that if you'd been married to Eve
out in Okata, and I'd seen any old skunk, whether
he'd been an earl or what he looks like, a
second hand clothes dealer, sneaking Eve's presence, I'd have had
(11:58):
him in prison before you'd reached the st Mister Bundercombe,
I exclaimed, horrified, seemed to me that my father in
law was carrying this affair little too far. Lord Porthoning,
from whom I had expected a torrent of fierce abuse,
stood looking at us both with an expression no written
words could portray. His cheeks were ashen, His hands, which
(12:21):
were crossed upon the knob of his cane, were shaking.
Mister Bundercombe extended his right hand. Sir, he concluded sternly,
for the sake of the conventions of the country in
which I find myself, and bearing in mind your connection
with my son in law, I have kept the police
out of this interview, be so good as to hand
(12:43):
over to Paul the emerald brooch you have secreted in
your coat pocket. The pall of silence seemed suddenly removed.
Lord Portening leaned forward. Then he began to talk. Any
sympathy I might have had for him, any feeling I
may have had that my father in law's retributive scheme
(13:03):
was of too drastic a nature, vanished before he had
finished the first three sentences. Mister Bundercombe, upon whom he
heaped abuse of the most virulent character remained unmoved. When
at last Lord Porthaning paused for breath. I turned toward
my father in law. What does this mean, I asked?
(13:26):
It means? Mister Bundercombe explained that this gentleman who finds
my daughter's presence so inadequate, was actually leaving your house
with an emerald brooch belonging to Eve in the right
hand pocket of his coat. Lord Porthaning was once more incoherent.
This time, however, I stopped him. I was already heartily
(13:46):
sick of the affair, but at the stage I could
not back out Lord Porthaning, I said, there is no
necessity for such vigorous denials. The matter is easily arranged.
You had better permit me to examine the pocket in question.
I'll see you and your common bully of a father
in law in hell before I allow either of you
(14:07):
to touch me or my clothing. My pleasant connection declared fiercely.
Get out of my way, both of you, and be
thankful if you don't have to answer for this outrage
in a police court. He swaggered toward the door. Mister Bundercombe,
who had appeared to stand on one side, suddenly caught
him by the shoulders feel in his right hand pocket.
(14:29):
Paul he bade me. I did so, and promptly produced
the brooch. Lord Portening's eyes seemed almost to start from
his head. I could see that he suddenly became limp
in mister Bundercombe's grasp. His eyes were fixed on the jewels,
and his amazement was undeniable. Mister Bundercombe winked at me
(14:50):
over his head. What is the meaning of this, Lord Porsening,
I demanded as sternly as I could. My courage was
failing me, I felt at the joke, after all had
been a severe one. Lord Porthoning seemed almost on the
point of collapse. His eyes never once left the brooch
which I was holding. Ah, I didn't take it, he gasped,
(15:13):
Is is swear I didn't take it? I was anxious
now to finish the affair, Lord Porthoning, I said, I
will take your word. You say you never took the brooch,
very well, we will assume, for the sake of the family,
that it found its way into your pocket by accident.
Lord Porthoning felt his forehead. There were big drops of
(15:34):
sweats standing out there. There was something in his extreme
agitation that was in a way incomprehensible. He edged toward
the door. Ah, I didn't take it, he muttered, Let
me go, let me get away. Mister Bundercombe stood on
one side. My hand was on the handle of the door.
(15:54):
I looked at my father in law questioningly. My sympathies
were now almost with the enemy, but I felt bound
to see the affair through. It was you who discovered
this little accident, I remarked, I think you will agree
with me that it is best to say nothing more
about it. Mister Bundercombe once more winked at me solemnly
(16:15):
over the head of my stricken connection. I quite agree
with you, Paul, he said. Under the circumstances, we will
let nothing happen to disturb the festivities and harmony of
the day. Lord Porthaning certainly will not object if we
just satisfy ourselves that the brooch was the only instance
of momentary aberration? Shall we call it? If Lord Portening's
(16:41):
attitude had been a little mysterious before, twas absolutely incomprehensible.
Now He stood suddenly upright and brandished his cane over
his head. If either of you touched me, he shouted fiercely,
I'll break your skulls. This is blackmail. I'lls end for
the police. Let me go. His sudden fit of anger justifiable,
(17:04):
though it certainly seemed on the face of it, nevertheless
took both mister Bundercombe and myself by a surprise. The former, indeed,
was in the act of opening the door when he
paused once more. He caught my connection by the collar
and thrust his hand into the other coat pocket. When
he withdrew it, it was filled with rings, a bracelet,
(17:27):
and a pendant. He threw them silently a glittering heap
on the table without a word. He thrust his hand
once more in and brought out a little black ivory
carving of a Japanese muck. Twas perhaps one of the
most valuable of my offerings. There was a blankness in
mister Bundercombe's expression that I could not understand. I frowned.
(17:52):
It seemed to me the affair had now gone much
too far. Lord Porthaning had staggered to a chair and
was sitting there with his face burying in his hands.
He was a stricken man. I turned to my father
in law. This is too much of a good thing, sir,
I whispered angrily. The brooch was all right enough so
far as it went, and he deserved a lesson. But
(18:14):
these other things. A look in mister Bundercombe's face suddenly
froze the words upon my lips. He leaned over toward me, Paul,
he declared, earnestly, on my honor. I put nothing into
his pocket except the brooch. I knew no more of
those things, he added, pointing to the table, than you did.
(18:37):
I was speechless. Lord Pultening looked up. I had never
seen a face quite like his in my life. One
side of it seemed drawn with pain. He checked a sob.
His fingers gripped at the air as he spoke, Paul,
he begged hysterically, don't give me away. I give you
(18:57):
my word of honor. I give you my word as
a porthoning. I can't help it. You know what they
call the damned thing when women have it, kleptomania, isn't it?
I tell you, I can't see these things without that same, horrible, fascinating,
cruel instinct. My hands are on them before I know it,
But he broke off. It's sending me mad, Paul. For
(19:21):
as I live, I never put hands on that brooch.
How long has this been going on? I asked, almost mechanically.
Perhaps you are the reason that it has become the
fashion to send detectives to guard's wedding presents. I am
the reason, Lord Porthoning confessed, his voice shaking, Paul, somehow
(19:43):
I believe, I believe this has stopped it. You'll kill
the instinct. Listen, you are off. Directly, let this gentleman,
your father in law, come round to my house. I
will restore to him. I swear every article I have
ever taken in this fashion. He can find out the
owners by degrees that I promised I will never again
(20:04):
attend a wedding reception. So long as I live outside,
I could hear them calling for me. I glanced at
the clock. It was within a few minutes of the
time fixed for our departure. Mister Bundercombe nodded to me
very well. I agreed, it shall be as you say.
I'll wait here, Lord Porsning said, in a trembling tone.
(20:27):
Mister Bundercombe can come back for me after he's seen
you off. He can go home with me in the motor.
Take take care of those things, mister Bundercombe covered them
over with an antimachisa. We left Lord Porsening sitting there
and went out into the hall where Eve was already waiting.
Mister Bundercombe was a little unnerved, but he pulled himself
(20:49):
together word of honor, Paul, he declared, I never saw
the old rat take a thing. I simply landed him
with the brooch. It was not until he was gone
going out that I caught a glimpse of those other
things in his pocket. We drove off ten minutes later.
I looked out of the motor as we swung round
(21:10):
into the main thoroughfare. Behind the window of the little
sitting room, I saw the pale, almost ghastly face of
Lord Porthening. He caught my eye and waved his hand weakly.
On the pavement. In front of the striped awning stood
mister Bundercombe, large beaming, both hands outstretched. Eve waved her handkerchief.
(21:32):
As we finally disappeared, she glanced towards me. Has Dad
been up to anything, Paul, she asked, He has just
that kind of satisfied expression that always used to terrify me,
like a cat that's slicking its whiskers after a stolen
saucer of milk, I suggested, She laughed. You mustn't make
(21:54):
fun of dad, she begged. He's such a dear I
shall never attempt to make fun of your father, I
assured her fervently. I think he is quite the most
remarkable man I ever met. And now end of chapter fifteen.
(22:18):
End of an Amiable Charlatan by E. Phillips Oppenheim. Recording
by Kirsten Webber
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