On the Oscycle—A Narrow Escape

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter nine of and Iron Tales by John Bangs. This
LibriVox recording is in the public domain. On the Oicycle
a narrow escape, well, said the polar bear, as the
ocycle started on its downward course. I'm mighty glad we're
off and away from those other creatures on that trolley.

(00:21):
They were a dishonest lot, so am I came a
voice from behind him that made the bear jump nervously,
for it was none other than the flamingo. So or
the rest of us added a lot of voices in chorus,
and Tom, turning to see who beside himself and his
companions had got aboard, was hugely amused to see the kangaroo,

(00:43):
the monkey, the hippopotamus, and all the other creatures from
the trolley save only the conductor and motorman seated there
behind as happy as you please. It doesn't pay to
associate with conductors, said the flamingo. They don't think of
anything but money all the time, and they're awfully rude
about it sometimes. Why I knew a conductor once who

(01:04):
refused to change a hundred dollar bill for me. I
don't believe you ever had a hundred dollar bill, growled
the hippopotamus. I've got one I wouldn't sell for one
thousand dollars, said the flamingo. It's the one I eat with.
He added, that's not legal tender, said the polar bear.
You couldn't change it if it was, sneered the flamingo.

(01:26):
I could change it in a minute if I wanted to,
said the polar bear, with a chuckle. What with cash,
demanded the flamingo, scornfully. No. With one whack of my paw,
said the bear, shaking his fist menacingly at the flamingo,
I could change your whole face, for that matter, he added,
with a frown. I was only fooling, Polly old man,

(01:48):
said the flamingo, a trifle worried. Of course, you could.
But you wouldn't, would you not? Unless I had to,
replied the bear. But gee, aren't we just whizzing along?
Are you cold? Tom? Yes, said Tom, with a shiver,
just a little. We'll come sit next to me and
I'll let you use my furs. I don't need em myself.
I'm a pretty warm bear, considering where I come from.

(02:10):
Sit close, gentlemen, cried the man in charge of the
a cycle. We're coming to a thank you, marm. Look out,
look out, Hang together, By jove, there goes the monkey,
and sure enough, off the monkey flew as the off
cycle crossed the hump in enormous rate of speed. Hi
there you fellows, the monkey shrieked as he landed in

(02:30):
the soft snow. Wait a minute, ay you stop, wait
for me. Can't do it, roared the man in charge.
Can't stop going too fast. But what am I going
to do? Shrieked the monkey excitedly. Get inside of a
snowball and roll down. We'll catch you on the way back,
the kangaroo yelled, and as they passed out of hearing

(02:51):
of the monkey's voice, no one knew how the little
creature took the suggestion. I'm glad he's gone, said the hippopotamus.
He was a nuisance, and I tell you I had
a narrow escape. He had his tail wound around my
neck a minute before. He might have yanked me off
with him. Yanked you, said the old gentleman from Saturn,
gazing contemptuously at the hippopotamus. Bosh the idea of a

(03:15):
seven pound monkey yanking a three ton hippopotamus? What, roared
the man in charge? A what how much witch? Three ton,
said the old gentleman from Saturn. That's what he weighs.
I know because he stepped on my toe getting off
the trolley. But it's against the law, right the man
in charge. We're not allowed to carry more than one

(03:36):
thousand pounds on these machines. Humph laughed the kangaroo. It's
very evident, hippy, that you'll have to go way back
and lose some weight. I can't help weighing three tons,
said the hippopotamus. I'm built that way. That's all right,
said the man in charge, wringing his hands in despair.
But you'll have to get off. If you don't, we'll

(03:57):
go over the edge. His voice rose to a shriek.
Tom's heart sank and he half rose up. Sit still,
said the two and irons, grabbing him by the arm.
We're in for it. We've got to take what comes right.
You are, said the bellows. And don't you bother Tom.
We'll come out all right in the end. But what's

(04:17):
the trouble, mister man, asked the poker. What's the hippo's
weight got to do with our going over the edge.
Why can't you see, explained the man in charge, his
six thousand pounds pushing the machine along from behind. There
gives us just so much extra speed, and all the
brakes in the world won't stop us. Now we've got
going unless he gets off. The announcement made an immediate panic,

(04:42):
and the polar bear began to cry like a baby.
Oh why did I ever come, he moaned, as the
tears trickled down his nose and froze into a great
icicle at the end of it, when I might have
stayed home riding around on my own private iceberg. Stop
your whimpering, said the kangaroo. Brace up and be a man.
Don't want to be a man, blubbered the bear. I'm

(05:03):
satisfied to be a poor, miserable little polar bear. You've
got to jump, hippy, said the flamingo. That's all there
is about it, Sir, replied the hippopotamus, solemnly. I shall
not jump. It would ill comport with my dignity for
me to try to jump, as if I were merely
a kangaroo. No, sir, here, I sit firm as a rock.

(05:25):
You might as well ask an elephant to dance a jig.
We'll put you off if you don't get off of
your own accord, roared the polar bear, bracing up and
removing the icicle from his nose. He shook it angrily
at the hippopotamus. All right, said the hippopotamus, with a
pleasant smile. All right, has any gentleman brought a derrick
along with him to assist in the operation. You don't

(05:48):
happen to have a freight elevator in your pocket, do you,
mister kangaroo hry, I'm off, poker, cried the kangaroo. I
would if I could, answered the poker mournfully, But I'm
not a crowbar. Well, then all together, here, shouted the
man from Saturn. Line up and we'll shove him off.
There was a frantic rush at the stolid hippopotamus in

(06:09):
response to this suggestion. But they might as well have
tried to batter down the Rock of Gibraltar by hurling
feathers against it. So firmly fixed in his seat was
this passenger of outrageous weight. Come again, gentlemen, said the
hippopotamus suavely. There's nothing better for the complexion than a
good rub. And I assure you you have placed me

(06:29):
under an obligation to you brought him with the icicle,
said the kangaroo to the polar bear. I'm not moved
by tears, even if they are frozen and sharpened to
a point, laughed the hippopotamus, as the polar bear did
as he was told, smashing the icicle without so much
as denting the hippo's flesh. Well, if you won't jump,
I will, said the man from Saturn angrily. If I'm hurt,

(06:52):
i'd take it out of your hide when we meet again.
All right, retorted the hippopotamus. You'll have to get a
steam drill and blast it out by by. The man
from Saturn jumped and landed head first in the snow.
But whether he was hurt or not, the party never knew,
for their speed was now so terrific that he had
barely landed before they whizzed past the bottom of the

(07:13):
hill and up the other incline. It became clear, too,
as they sped on that at such a fearful rate
of progress, nothing could now keep the officycle from going
over the edge, and the others began to lay plans
for safety. I'm going to jump for a passing trolley
cloud the minute we get to the edge, said the kangaroo.
I dun't know what I shall do, sobbed the polar bear.

(07:34):
If I land on my feet, I'll be all right,
for they're big and soft like sofa cushions. But if
I land on my head, that's softer yet, Polly, laughed
the flamingo, who appeared to be less concerned than anybody.
If you land on your head, it will be just
as if you fell into a great bowl of oatmeal.
So you're all right. I'm not afraid for myself, said

(07:55):
the poker. I can drop any distance without serious injury,
being made of iron, and my friends, the andirons, are
equally fortunate. The bellows, too, is comparatively safe. The worst
that can happen to him is to have the wind
knocked out of him. But it's Tom or bothered about,
said the right hand iron, with an anxious glance at Lefty.

(08:17):
You see, we invited him to come off here with us.
And who is he, anyhow, demanded the flamingo, glancing at
Tom in such a way that the youngster began to
feel very uncomfortable. I'm a dormouse, said Tom, remembering the agreement.
Not for this occasion, put in the poker. This time.
You're a boy, and we've got to save you somehow
or other, and we'll do it. Tom, So don't be afraid.

(08:40):
What kind of boy is, he demanded the flamingo, One
of these bean snapping boys that go around shooting robins
and hooking birds eggs when they haven't anything else to do.
Not a bit of it, said righty. He never snapped
a bean at a bird in all his life. Humph
said the flamingo. I suppose he's been too busy pulling
feathers out of peacocks's tails to decorate his room with

(09:02):
to be bothering with robins and eggs. Never did such
a thing in all my born days, retorted Tom, indignantly.
Probably not, sneered the flamingo. And why because you were
so well satisfied keeping a canary locked up in a
cage for your own pleasure that you hadn't any time
to chase peacocks. I've lived in the family forty years,

(09:23):
said the right hand iron, and to my knowledge there
was never a caged bird in the house. Really, said
the flamingo, looking at Tom with interest. Rather a new
kind of boy. This very few boys have a good
record where birds are concerned. Tom's no enemy to birds,
observed the bellows. I know that because I've been in
his family longer than he has, and I've watched him well,

(09:46):
said the flamingo. If that's the case, maybe I can
help him. One good turn deserves another. If he is
good to birds, I may be able at this time
to do good to him. This trouble ahead of us
doesn't bother me because I have wings and can fly here.
The flamingo flapped his wings proudly, and I could take
Tom on my back and fly anywhere with him, for
I am an extremely powerful bird. But I want to

(10:10):
know one more thing about him before I undertake to
save him. We birds must stand together, you know, And
I'm not going to be friend a foe to my
kind under any circumstances Thomas. Yes, sir, replied Tom, all
of a tremble, for he hadn't the slightest idea what
was coming, and as a truthful boy, he knew that

(10:30):
whatever the consequences to himself might be, he must give
the correct answer. Do you have Sunday breakfast at home?
Asked the flamingo. Yes, Sir, Tom replied respectfully, you have
coffee and hominy and toast and fried potatoes and all that,
queried the bird. Yes, sir, Tom answered, turning very pale, however,

(10:50):
for he was in great dread of what he now
saw was likely to come next. And ah, fruit, said
the flamingo. Oh, yes, plenty of fruit, replied Tom, very nervously.
And now, sir, said the flamingo, severely, and ruffling his
feathers like an angry turkey. Now for the main point, Thomas,
and mind you, I want a truthful answer. Did you

(11:12):
ever eat a broiled flamingo for your Sunday morning breakfast?
Tom breathed a sigh of relief as the flamingo blurted
out the last part of the question. No, sir, never,
he replied. Then hurry and climb up on my shoulders. Here,
the flamingo cried. You're a boy after my own heart.
I believe you'd be kind to a stuffed parrot. But hurry,

(11:32):
there's the edge right ahead of us. Jump. Tom jumped,
and in a moment was sitting astride of the great
bird's neck. In his right hand he grasped the claw
of righty, in his left that of lefty, while these
two clutched tightly hold of Bellows and the poker respectively.
A moment later, the eye cycle reached the edge and

(11:52):
dashed wildly over it, the kangaroo following out his plan
of jumping higher still and fortunately for himself, catching a
passing trolley cloud, by which he was borne back to
the starting point again. As for the polar bear and
the hippopotamus, they plunged out into space, while the group
comprising our little party from Home and the Flamingo soared

(12:13):
gracefully back to earth again, where the generous hearted bird
deposited them safely on top of the most convenient alp
Thanks very much, said Tom, as he clambered down from
the bird's neck and stood upon solid ground again. Don't
mention it, said the flamingo. It is a pleasure to
serve a bird defender and his friends, And with this

(12:34):
he soared away. I'm glad he didn't ask me if
I ever ate roiled chicken for Sunday breakfast, said Tom, Why,
asked the poker. Do you do why? Cried Tom? Well,
I guess I don't do anything else. End of Chapter
nine