On the Trolley Cloud

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter number eight of an Iron Tales by John Bangs.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. On the
trolley Cloud, as I stated at the end of the
last chapter, the travelers Tom and his companions encountered upon
the trolley cloud or a wonderful lot. In the first place,

(00:20):
the whole situation was strange. Here was, in fact a
perfect car made of what at a distance looked to
be nothing but a fleecy bit of vapor. It had
seats and signs. Indeed, the advertising signs alone were enough
to occupy the mind of any person seeing them for
the first time, to the exclusion of all else, What

(00:43):
with the big painted placard at the end saying for
polar bears, go to arctics fifty seven varieties, No home
complete without them, Another showing a picture of potted town
in which all the inhabitants lived on canned food and
things that came in jars, reading, this is the famous

(01:03):
potted town where everything is done up brown. We live
on lobsters, tinned and beans, and freshly cut and oiled sardines,
on ham and eggs done up in jars, and caramels
that come in bars. Come buy a lot in potted
town and join the throngs. We do up brown a
corner lot for fifty cents, a bargain that is just immense.

(01:26):
In inner lot for forty nine for residence is just divine.
If in a year you do not find that we
are suited to your mind, will give you fifteen cents
in gold and take back all the lots we've sold.
If when in other lands you go, you'll recommend So pollio,
who on earth wants I pull a bear at home?

(01:47):
Ejaculated Thom as he read the first I do, growled
a deep bass voice at his side, and the little traveler,
turning to see who it was that had spoken, was
surprised and really startled to find himself seated next to
a shaggy coated beast of that precise kind. I do,
repeated the polar bear. And if anybody says I don't,

(02:09):
I'll chew him up. And then he opened his mouth
and glared at Tom as if to warn the young
man from pursuing the subject further. So would I put in, righty,
So would I if all the polar bears were like you.
The bear was apparently pleased by the compliment, and with
a satisfied wink at Righty folded his fore legs over

(02:30):
his chest and went to sleep. I think I'll buy
one of those lots in potted town, said a kangaroo
who sat opposite to Tom. You couldn't raise the money,
growled the flamingo, who sat at the far end of
the car. Thirty cents is your measure. Let him alone, flammy,
said an Ostrich, who was crowded uncomfortably in between the

(02:51):
kangaroo and an old gentleman with one eye and a
green beard who Tom learned later was a leading citizen
of Saturn. You can't help if he's poor. Thank you,
mister Ostrich, said the kangaroo with a sob. I was
very much hurt by the flamingo's remark. I have nineteen thousand,
six hundred and twenty seven children, and it keeps me

(03:13):
jumping all the time to support them. I apologize, said
the flamingo. My observations were most unjust. You do not
look like thirty cents at all, as I perceive at
second glance. As I look at you more closely, you
look like a dollar thirty nine marked down to seventy two.
But why don't you get up and give the lady

(03:35):
your seat? Is there a lady on the car who
wants it? Asked the kangaroo, standing up and peering anxiously
about him. No, of course not, said the flamingo. But
what difference does that make? A true gentleman is polite
whether there are ladies present or not. The polar bear
opened his eyes and, leaning forward, glared at the flamingo.

(03:57):
You don't seem to be over anxious about yourself, he growled.
Why don't you give up your seat to the imaginary lady?
Because mister Bhaer, the flamingo returned, it would not be polite.
The seat I occupy is extremely uncomfortable thanks to the
crowding of the hippopotamus on my left and the indulgence
in peanuts of the monkey on my right. By sitting

(04:19):
down where I am, I am making a personal sacrifice.
There will be a free fight in a minute, said
the poker, anxiously. I think we'd better get out. You
won't do anything of the sort, said the conductor. Nobody
leaves this car until we get there. Get where, demanded
the poker. Anywhere, returned the conductor, Ferris, please, but we've

(04:42):
all paid said the flamingo. Somebody hasn't, replied the conductor.
There are twenty two on this car, and I've collected
only twenty one fares. I don't know who is the
dead head. Therefore you must all pay. It is better
that there should be twenty one lawsuits for total damage
of a dollar twenty five, then that this company should

(05:04):
lose a nickel Jeries disagree, Ferris, Please I decline to
pay a second time, cried the monkey. And I and
I came from all parts of the car, from lefty
and righty, from Tom, the Flamingo, the hippopotamus, and polar bear.
Very well, said the conductor, calmly, I don't care. It

(05:25):
isn't my money that's lost. But I'll tell you one thing.
This car doesn't stop until you've all paid up, what
cried the polar bear. I want to get off at
the Toboggan slide. So do I, so do, I cried everybody,
no doubt, said the conductor. But that's your business, not mine.
Double your speed, mody, he added, calling forward to the motorman.

(05:48):
These people want to get off. Of course, gentlemen and
fellow beasts, he continued, I can't keep you from getting off.
But this car is traveling at the rate of four
miles a minute, and if you try it, you do
so at your own risk. Fares, please, it's an outrage,
said the flamingo. I'm going to jump, said the kangaroo.

(06:08):
I think we'd better sit still. Tom whispered righty. It
could be smitherings if we tried to get off the
car going at this rate. Don't mind me, said Tom.
I'm having a bully time. This is quite as good
fun as oscillating. I guess. Excuse me, sir, said the
conductor in reply to the kangaroo. But I must ask

(06:29):
your name and address. I cannot prevent you from jumping,
but I'm required by the rules of the company to
find out all about you before letting you commit suicide.
We need the information in case your airs sue the company. Married, yes,
said the kangaroo. Sixteen times any children, queried the conductor.

(06:49):
I have already said so, sobbed the kangaroo. Nineteen thousand,
six hundred and twenty seven of them boys or girls,
asked the conductor kindly. Neither replied the kingaroo. What, cried
the conductor. Kangaroos, every one of them sobbed the unhappy passenger.
Oh I see, said the conductor. What is your business jumping,

(07:11):
replied the kangaroo. Business address, demanded the conductor, number twenty
eight Australia was the reply home address, questioned the conductor
number thirty seven Melbourne, said the kangaroo. Melbourne is in Australia,
you know, he added, made your will, put in the conductor. Suddenly,

(07:32):
what has that got to do with it? Cried the
kangaroo angrily, but with a nervous start. We cannot permit
you to jump unless you've made a will, said the
conductor politely. You see, when you jump, you leave the car,
and we don't know whom you leave the car too
until we have read your will. You might leave it
to Tom or too Righty, or to the poetic poker,

(07:54):
or to old Shaggy over there, pointing to the polar bear.
Inasmuch as it's our car, we have a right to
know to whom you leave it. I guess I'll stay
where I am, said the kangaroo, meekly, very much overcome
by the conductor's logic. That's the answer, returned the conductor.
You seem to be a very sensible sort of kangaroo,

(08:14):
fair please, and the kangaroo, diving down into his pocket,
produced a five cent piece, which he handed over to
the conductor without further comment. Anybody else think of jumping off?
Asked the conductor, pleasantly, turning about and glancing over the
other occupants of the car. I might, said the monkey placidly.

(08:35):
Oh indeed, said the conductor, walking along the car to
where the monkey sat. You might think of jumping off, eh, yes,
said the monkey. Do you know where you would land? Yes,
said the monkey. Where, demanded the conductor. On my feet,
said the monkey. Where else? The conductor was apparently much
put out. You're pretty smart, aren't you, he said? No,

(09:00):
said the monkey, I'm only plain smart. I'm not pretty.
Everybody's talking about you, I presume, sneered the conductor. Not yet,
but they will be returned the monkey, with a grin
when demanded the conductor. When my tale is published, retorted
the monkey with a grin. Humph, jeered the conductor. Great
tail that, no, said the monkey. Not very great. But

(09:23):
it has a swing about it, say interrupted the hippopotamus.
I've got an idea somebody hasn't paid his fare. Eh,
that's the point said the conductor. And unless he owns up,
we've all got to go on in this car forever,
you have, replied the conductor firmly. Well, let's be sensible
about it, said the hippopotamus. We're all honest at least

(09:44):
I am, and I've paid once, and i'd miitt writing
cheap considering my weight. But who hasn't paid? Tom? Did
you pay? I've paid for our whole party, put in writy, Good,
said the hippopotamus. Did you pay monk? Yes I did,
said the monkey. I paid for me and polar bear,
Good said the hippopotamus. Has the flamingo paid? I gave

(10:06):
him a promissory note for my fare, said the flamingo, Good,
said the hippopotamus. And now for the main question. Conductor,
have you paid your fare? I cried the conductor. Yes you,
roared the hippopotamus. Have you paid your fare? But the
conductor began I won't, but returned the hippo. I am
a hippopotamus, I am not a goat. Have you paid

(10:29):
your fare? Of course I haven't, returned the conductor, because
that's it, returned the hippopotamus. That's the whole point. He's
the one that's shy, and because we won't consent to
pay his fare out of our own pockets, he's going
to hold us up. I move, we squash him, but
I say, roared the conductor. Oh pay your fare and

(10:49):
shut up, growled the polar Bear. You begin the row.
What's the use here? I am quoting my poem, whispered
the poker to Tom. I've taken his number, so the Flamingo,
it's eight billion and seven. He's trying to beat his way.
Pay up. Pay up came from all parts of the car,
and before he knew it, Tom found himself in the

(11:10):
midst of an angry group surrounding the conductor, insisting that
he should pay his fare. Who are you that you
should ride free, demanded the Flamingo. The idea of servants
of the company having greater privileges than the patrons of
the road. If you don't pay up right away, roared
the polar Bear, I'll squeeze you to death and i'll
sit on you. Put in the hippopotamus. I haven't the money,

(11:33):
cried the conductor, now thoroughly frightened. Borrow it from the company,
said the polar Bear, and rang it up. This the
conductor did, and a moment later, having reached the station,
rang the bell and the car stopped. All out, he cried,
and the whole party descended. Who paid his fare, anyhow,
asked the flamingo. I didn't, said the monkey. No more did,

(11:56):
I said the hippopotamus. The kangaroo did, though, didn't you care?
Only once, said the kangaroo, And that was the second time.
Let's get away from this crowd, said the bellows. They're
not honest, right you are, said the polar bear. They're
a very bad lot. Come along, let's get aboard this
toboggan and leave em behind. Whereupon Tom and his companions,

(12:19):
accompanied by the polar Bear, stepped aboard the waiting off
cycle and were soon speeding down the upper incline of
the Crescent Moon. End of Chapter eight