They Reach the Crescent Moon

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter seven of and Iron Tales by John Bangs. This
LibriVox recording is in the public domain. They reached the
crescent Moon. As the jolly party sped along through the heavens,
Tom began to find his eyes bothering him a trifle
brilliant as many of the sunshiny days had been at home,

(00:21):
particularly when the snow was on the ground, Nothing so
dazzlingly bright as this great golden arc in the sky
was getting to be as they approached closer had ever
greeted his sight. It's blinding, he cried, his eyes blinking
and filling with water as he gazed upon the scene.
I can't stand it. What shall I do? Lefty? Turn

(00:45):
your head around and approach it backward, said Lefty. Then
you won't see it. But I want to see it,
retorted Tom, what's the use of visiting the moon if
you can't see it? Reminds me of a poem I
wrote once put in the poker. What's the use? Was
one of my masterpieces, and maybe if I recite it
to you it will help your eyes. Bosh growled the Bellows,

(01:09):
who was beginning to get a little short winded with
his labors and therefore a trifle out of temper. How
on earth will reciting your poem help Tom's eyes? Easy enough,
returned the poker haughtily, and with a contemptuous glance at
the bellows. My poem is so much brighter than the
moon that the moon will seem dull alongside of it.

(01:33):
Go ahead, anyhow, said Tom, interested at once in forgetting
his eyes for the moment, Give us the poem. Here goes,
then said the poker, with a low bow, and then,
standing erect, he began, it's called what's the use What's
the use of circuses that haven't any beasts? What's the

(01:54):
use of restaurants that haven't any feasts. What's the use
of oranges that haven't any peaces. What's the use of
bicycles that haven't any wheels. What's the use of railway
trains that have no place to go? What's the use
of going to war if you haven't any foe. What's
the use of splendid views for those that cannot see?

(02:17):
What's the use of Freedom's flag to folks that aren't free.
What's the use of legs to those who have no
wish to walk? What's the use of languages to those
who cannot talk. What's the use of kings and queens
that haven't any throne. What's the use of having pains
unless you're going to groan? What's the use of anything

(02:40):
however grand and good that doesn't ever ever work the
way it really should? Humph panted the Bellows. You don't
call that bright, do you? I do, indeed, said the poker,
And I call it bright because I know it's bright.
It is so bright that not a magazine in all
the world dare print it because they'd never be able

(03:01):
to do it as well again, And people would say
the magazine wasn't as good as it used to be.
What nonsense? Retorted the Bellows. Why I could blow a
mile of poetry like that in ten minutes. What's the
use of churches big that haven't any steeples? What's the
use of nations great that haven't any peoples. What's the

(03:24):
use of ocean's grand that haven't any beaches. What's the
use of delawares that haven't any peaches? What's the use? Oh,
shut up, wheezy, interrupted the poker angrily. Of course you
can go on like that forever, once somebody gives you
the idea. But to have the idea in the beginning

(03:44):
was the big thing. Columbus was a great man for
coming to America. But every foreigner who has come over
since isn't not by a long shot. As I say
in my celebrated rhyme on greatness, the greatest man in
all the world, by far, the greatest one is he
who goes ahead and does what no one else has done.

(04:07):
But he must be the first if he would rank
as some potatators, for those who follow after him are
merely imitators. Ha ha ha, laughed the Bellows. You are
a great chap of pokey, you with your poetry. Oh
Tom isn't going to be affected by the lessons you teach.
The idea of saying that a man is the greatest

(04:28):
in the world because he does what no one else
has done. I guess nobody's never eaten bricks up to now.
Do you mean to say that if Tom here ate
a brick, he'd be the greatest man in the world. No,
he'd be a cannibal put in the right hand iron
desirous of stopping the quarrel between the rivals. How do

(04:48):
you make that out? Demanded the Bellows, Because Tom is
a brick himself, explained the right hand iron, and just
then slap bang, the party plunged headfirs into what appeared
to be and in fact really was, a huge snow bank. Hurrah,
here we are, cried Lefty, gleefully. Well where are we,

(05:10):
Tom sputtered, blowing the snow out of his mouth and
shaking it from his coat and hair and ears. Hi there,
look out, roared Righty, grabbing Tom by the coat sleeve
and yanking him off to one side. A terrible swishing
sound fell upon the lad's ears, and as he gazed
doggedly about him to see what had caused it, he

(05:31):
saw a great golden toboggan whizzing down into the valley
and then slipping up the hill on the other side.
You had a narrow escape that time, said Righty, as
they excitedly watched the toboggan speeding on its way, and which,
by the way, was filled with a lot of little youngsters,
no bigger than Tom himself, Children of all colors, apparently, red,

(05:55):
white and blue, green, yellow and black. If I hadn't
yanked you away, you'd have been run over. But where
are we, Tom asked, bewildered by the experience. We're on
the crescent moon. At last, said Lefty. It's the boss
toboggan slide of the universe. A toboggan slide, cried Tom.

(06:17):
The very same, said the poker. Didn't you know that
this dazzling whiteness of the crescent moon is merely the
reflection of the Sun's light on the purest of pure
white snow. It's too high up for dust and dirt here,
you see, and so the snow is always clean, and
so equally, of course, is dazzling white. But the tobogganing,

(06:38):
asked Tom, It's like swinging and letting the old cat die,
exclaimed the right hand iron. You see, it's this shape,
And he marked the crescent form of the moon on
the snow and lettered the various points. Now, he continued,
you start your toboggan at A and whiz down to sea.
When you get there, you have gathered speed enough to

(07:00):
take you up the hill to B. Then, of its
own weight, the toboggan slides back to D, from which
it again moves forward to E. And so it keeps
on sliding back and forth until finally it comes to
a dead stop at sea. Isn't that a fine arrangement magnificent?
Said Tom. And do they call it tobogganing here? No,

(07:22):
said Ridy. It's called oscillating, and the machine is known
as the aicycle. Don't confound it with the icicle put
in the bellows. Oh I know what an icicle is,
said Tom. It's a spear of ice that hangs from
a piazza roof. That's what it is at home, said
the poker. But not here, my lad. Here an icicle

(07:44):
is a bicycle with runners instead of wheels. But what
makes it go? Demanded Tom. Petals, of course, returned the poker.
You just tread away on the pedals as if you
were riding a bicycle, and the chain sets a dozen
ice picks revolving that shove you over the ice like
the wind. Oh, it's a great sport. Another rush and

(08:05):
roar of a passing toboggan caused them to pause in
their conversation for a moment, and then Tom turned his
attention to the diagram Righty had drawn on the snow.
Suppose you didn't stop at bee and go back, what
would happen? He asked as he considered the possible dangers
of this wonderful new sport. You'd fall over the edge,

(08:26):
of course, said the poker. I see that, said Tom.
But if you fell over the edge, what would become
of you? Where would you land? If you had luck,
you wouldn't land anywhere, said righty. The chances are, however,
you'd fall back on the earth again, maybe in Canada,
possibly in China, perhaps in Egypt. It would all depend

(08:48):
on the time of night. And wouldn't you be killed?
Tom asked, not if you had your rubbers on, said righty.
If you had your rubbers on, it would only jar
you slightly. You've just hit the earth and then bounce
back again. But there's no use of talking about that
because it never happened. But once it happened to a

(09:09):
chap named Blenkinson who took an oscillator that hadn't any
break on it. He was one of those smart fellows
that want to show how clever they are. He whizzed
down one side and up the other, and poof, first
thing he knew he was flying off into space. And
what became of him? Demanded Tom. He had the luck

(09:30):
not to hit anything, but he suffered just the same,
said righty. He flew on until he got to a
point where he was held fast up in the air
by the force of gravity at sixteen hundred different planets,
and he's there yet. At a distance he looks like
another new star, but when you get close to him,

(09:50):
he's nothing more than just a plane every day smarty.
I should think he'd starve to death, said Tom, as
he reflected on the horrid fate of Blenkinson. He would
if he had any appetite, said the bellows. But he hasn't.
He's so worried all the time that he can't eat,
so he gets along very well without food. Let's quit

(10:12):
talking now, suggested the poker, and get a ride. Eh.
I'm ready, said Tom eagerly. Where do we start. There's
the station up on the hill. It's only about seven
hundred miles. We can walk it in a year. Said righty.
I move. We take this cloud that's coming up, said
the bellows. I'm winded. Tom looked in the direction in

(10:32):
which the Bellows had pointed, and sure enough there was
a cloud coming slowly along, shaped very much like a
trolley car, and on the front of it. As it
drew nearer, the lad was able to discern the funny
little figure of a Brownie acting as motor man. Why
it's really a trolley, he cried, certainly it is, laughed righty.

(10:54):
Didn't you know that when you have watched the moon
from your window at home and seen constant line of
clouds passing up to it and stopping before its face,
night after night, What did you suppose they did it
for fun? I guess not. They're clever people up here,
these moonfolk are, and they make use of everything going.

(11:15):
They've taken these electric clouds and turned them into a
sort of sky traction company. And instead of letting them
travel all around the universe doing nothing and raising thunder generally,
some of the richer Brownies have formed a company to
control them. By this time, the cloud had reached the
point where our little party stood, and the motorman, in

(11:36):
response to the bellows signal, brought it to a standstill.
Step lively, please, the conductor cried from the rear end.
Tom and the two andirons and the poker and Bellows
clambered aboard. The conductor clinged a bell. The motorman turned
his wheel, and the cloud moved rapidly on. And what
a queer crowd of folks there were on board that

(11:57):
strange trolley cloud. Tom had never seen such an interesting
group before. End of chapter seven,