Love & Mental Health: Dating While Healing, Faith, and Finding Worth

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Welcome to a podcast like no other. Get ready for
insightful conversations, diverse perspectives into touch of inspiration. This is
Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap podcast. Join your host, the
dynamic Naomi Banks as she delves into the heart of
various topics with a refreshing blend of curiosity and wisdom.
Each week as soon as Naomi is joined by special

(00:33):
guests who bring their unique stories and expertise to the table.
It's a journey of discovery, learning and growing. And let's
not forget about the one and only dog Pound in
my mind. Adding his flavor and where to the mix.

Speaker 2 (00:46):
Together then make a.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
Dynamic fuel you won't want to miss. From thought provoking
discussions to moments of laughter and joy. And Ask Naomi
Bridging the Gap podcast offers a space where great topics
meet amazing guests. Calendars, set your reminders, and prepare to
be entertained into life. Join Naomi Banks and Dog Pound
Mike weekly for an unforgettable podcast experience. Get ready to

(01:10):
bridge the Gap, expand your horizons, and immerse yourself in
the world of Asknaom. Subscribe now and stay tuned for
a podcast journey like no.

Speaker 3 (01:18):
Honor all right, a beautiful Well. Welcome to ax Naomi
Podcast Live. Well we talk about love, sex, relationship, culture
differences and so much more by bridging the gap between
them all and teaching the world on sex, language, attitude
and spiritual uplifting. Well again, I'm your host nowm We
Banks and we are officially kicking off our four week

(01:42):
Mental Health Awareness Month series and it is entitled Love
and Mental Health. So over the next four weeks, we
will be digging into the realities of love, dating, heartbreak,
healing while managing our mental health. Now, tonight's episode isn't
just another conversation, it's personal. You see. I received the

(02:05):
letter after a thirty after our thirty day healing challenge
that stopped me in my tracks. It actually reminded me
on why we do this, on why this space matters
here at Aksnaomi Origin to get podcasts and if you
get to hold on for a moment, I want to
just read a part of the letter to you all, okay,

(02:26):
and it reads, I am a forty two year old
disabled veteran who's retired due to mental health and physical issues.
I tried to change who I am to fit into
relationships and lost my way in the process. When I
tell women about my health, most back off. Should I

(02:46):
just accept being alone forever? You see that letter right there.
That letter is the heartbeat of tonight's episode. So let's
talk about him. Let's talk about dating when your story
includes anxiety, PTSD, depression or a disability. Let's talk about

(03:13):
the fear, and let's talk about the hope. But before
we get deep into this conversation and bring our maazing
channel to the state, We're going to take a quick break.
All right, it's you, gurtty goutus. Let me bring you
on X Naomi Bridge to Gap Podcast. Let me be
right back.

Speaker 4 (03:31):
Join us this May for a groundbreaking series that bridges
the gap between love and mental wellness. Love and Mental
Health a powerful four part journey exploring the intricate connection
between relationships and mental well being. Every Thursday at six
pm Pacific Standard time. Join host Naomi Banks alongside our
resident therapist, doctor Will Washington, health psychologist and owner of

(03:54):
Washington Wellness Institute, who brings his expertise to all four
powerful episodes. Each week, they're joined by remarkable specialists. Week one,
May first author of God's Divine Plans for Marriage and
Ordained Christian minister Kristin A Coole tackles dating while managing
mental health. Week two May eighth, Marriage and family therapist

(04:16):
to Quela Wheatley, owner and founder of Support Advice, discusses
supporting a partner with mental health challenges. Week three May fifteenth,
Celebrity relationship coach and intuitive energy healer Terry Christi, TV
personality and author of the Secret Power of You, explores
couple's therapy and mental health. Week four May twenty second,

(04:37):
London based clinical psychologist and sex Slash Intimacy coach, doctor
Lori Bthbisbey dels into generational mental health and relationships. This
Powerhouse lineup combines doctor Washington's ongoing expertise with specialized insights
from our weekly guests, offering you a comprehensive approach to
mental health and relationships. Whether you're single, dating, or in

(04:59):
a committed relationship, This series delivers the tools and understanding
you need. Don't miss this life changing series. Follow Ask
Naomi Bridging the Gap on your favorite podcast platform and
visit Askmaomi dot com to be part of the conversation.
Because when it comes to love and mental health, knowledge
is power. Always keep it so sexy.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
Washington wells into two focuses on healing always for me,
if I look good, then I feel good. If I
feel good, then I share the good. If I share
the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate
the good, then I live the good. So I can
be paid to be my greatest. But I have to
learn the good to be the good. So what does

(05:42):
it take to be the greatest. It's as simple as
a free fifteen minute consultation. Be kind to yourself and
you'll always.

Speaker 5 (05:55):
All right, my beautiful people.

Speaker 3 (05:56):
Well, welcome back to x lamorad Bridging the Gap podcast again.
I am your host, Man Banks, and tonight we are
kicking off our full week series in honor of Mental
Health Awareness Month with our series titled Love and Mental Health.
But before we break, before the break, I share the
letter that is the foundation of this entire series. And

(06:17):
for those who are just tuning in, I want you
to hit that like button, hit that like button and
give me some green hearts for the Mental Health Awareness
Month in the chat. Just give it to me. And
I want to shout out to my BTG crew. Hey,
Hey y'all, Hey, I see y'all, I see y'all. I
see y'all. All right, So this month, we're not just
talking about healing, we're supporting it. And I'm proud to

(06:40):
announce that we've been partnered with Mental Health America and
one hundred percent of all the proceeds from our fund
raiser and merch sales will go directly to support mental
health resources across the country. So y'all seen me this
week with a nice little video rocking this T shirt
right this this this special T shirt. This is our

(07:02):
mind in Heart, Mind in Heart t shirt. And we
got a whole merch from T shirts to hoodies as
well as mugs and cups, and all the proceeds from
that will go to the Foundation. I just got a
little turn of tied to the to the foundation, so everything,

(07:26):
everything that we accumulate this month of May will go
directly to them and dot pot Mikey is putting up
a link right now to both of them. The first
one is to for the donations is give dot classy
dot or love and mental Health Mike. You put it
up there as well as our mind in Heart collection.

(07:49):
You will go to all Naomi dot creator dot Yeah,
it's sit there, or you can go to ax Naomi
dot com for all the from mation that you need,
all all all of the information that you need. So actually,

(08:10):
I have brought some amazing people with me to join me.
When I say that, I sat with doctor Will a
few months ago and talked about the sea. I just
last year when I got the email and I remember said,
doctor well, I want to do a whole show on it.
He was like, okay, I'm now. Then I came back
and I said, doctor Will, I said, I want to

(08:33):
do a whole month series. He was like, okay, I'm now.
He said, I'm there. He said, whatever you need, I'm now.
I said, okay, cool. All right. Fast forward about two
months ago. I said you ready, doctor Will. I said,
we're gonna do it. I may. He said, I'm now
what you need? He said cool? I said all right.

(08:55):
So last month I said, here we go. You ready?
He said, I'm down. What's your name? It's so family
what I say. I say that I have some amazing
people that have come and gathered with me this month.

(09:16):
It ain't nothing but God that brought it all together.
I'm telling you when we talk about being a line,
being a line in our purpose, I say I'm purpose
on purpose so we purpose on purpose today. All right?
So now, family, before we dive in, I want to
take a moment just to introduce the incredible panel that's
joining me tonight in our powerful conversation. These are not

(09:38):
just guests. These are healers, These are advocates. These are
truth tellers who are walking the walk. And when I
say walking and walk, I mean walking and walk. First,
I want to bring up my boy, my co hosts
over there on the season is Self Love Podcast, my
Still Friends, who I deeply admire and is blessed to

(10:00):
call him my resident therapist, Doctor Will Washington. He's a
license professional, Clinical counselor supervisor, clinical hypotherapist, pioneer Psychedelic assistant,
a therapists of working with the MD. He got so
much stuff that's going on as a bunch of titles

(10:21):
he's actually He also serves as an assistant trainer for the
Internal Family System Institute, a board member of Black Therapists Rocket.
He holds up PhD in Health psychology, where he focuses
on moral distress and recovery from secondary trauma, life burnout,
in compassion and y'all. He's also a virtual reality I

(10:42):
mean yeah therapist. He is creating an immersive of digital
world to help children find their voice to play in present.
He's coming with a powerful term that you hear more
tonight about secondary him. Welcome, Welcome back, doctor real had Hey.

Speaker 2 (11:02):
You made me feel tired. I was like I did
all that? I didn't I don't remember doing all that.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
Yeah, like Dan, that's a long list.

Speaker 2 (11:09):
Of things you're got here on time. I gotta found
Mike Mike. I haven't seen Mike Mike in a long time.
I gotta say, child, I missed him. I ain't see
him in a long time.

Speaker 5 (11:19):
Going on a long time to read them credits.

Speaker 3 (11:26):
Well, we got not by ourselves Tonight, doctor Will, we
have an amazing, amazing young lady just joining us tonight
with grace and fire. It's a woman whose faith has
truly meets people where they are. We have Kristen a coach.
She is a certified faith based life coach and trauma
informed Wellness as you Can. She's a founder of Faithful

(11:47):
Influencing You, a coaching program that in powers women to
reclaim their self, work and walk totally in their truth.
But the testimony that reflects a deep healing and divine
resilience Christal hell other to navigate the intersections of faith,
mental wellness, and personal power. Hey, hey, queen, nice to

(12:09):
see you, guys, Thank you, thank you. Are you all
ready for this? Yes? Ready?

Speaker 2 (12:16):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (12:18):
You ready for this?

Speaker 6 (12:19):
Dog might be you know, you know I couldn't do
this without you, right, We're all good, we know, you know.

Speaker 3 (12:28):
So let me say this for anybody just tuning in.
Who dog? My kids might might put the dog and
I'm this kid. No, but he might not say much.
He might not say much, but we it's straight wisdom,
you know.

Speaker 6 (12:46):
I might not say we got a past on the
shows that so I might have to be good.

Speaker 3 (12:54):
I appreciate it, but not pastor, but I appreciate it. Yes,
kind of things. Yes, yeah, just say you guys know
all right, So what we're gonna do right now, we're
gonna break it down where we're gonna do it on
the clinical side first, So we are gonna talk to
you first, Doctor Will, and if Christy, if you, if
you want to join in into the question that I

(13:14):
have for doctor Will at first, you are more than
welcome to come in with those questions. All right, So tonight,
whether whether you're listening from the living room, your car
or your heart space. We are creating a room, a
room full of truth, love and the kind of healing
that sets you free. So before we get started, I

(13:38):
want to reread the letter. Did y'all hear the letter? Yes?
Did y'all hear the letter? So I'm gonna read it again.
I'm wanna just read it one more time because I
just want y'all to truly know on where and why
I said let's do this, sum Okay. This is about
a forty two year old disabled veteran who retired due
to mental and physical health issues. He said, I've tried

(14:01):
to change who I am to fit into relationships, and
he lost himself in the process. So when he tell
women about his health, most of them back off. So
his question is to us, should I just accept being
alone forever? Should I just forever? So let's start right

(14:24):
here at the heart of it. Because one of the
hardest things that when dating while healing is knowing how
much to share and win.

Speaker 5 (14:32):
So let me ask.

Speaker 3 (14:33):
Y'all this, the listeners first. Let me ask you this,
the listeners first, have you ever held back your truth
and fear and fear of not being with someone you're dating?

(14:56):
Being judged. Have you have you ever held back your
truth out of fear of being judged by someone you
were dating. Please give us some comments in the chats.
We would love to hear from you, and if they're good,
we might read them all right, So listen the conversation

(15:18):
here by laying down a clinical foundation. So because the
love and mental health are and just separate journeys, right,
they're deeply intertwined and no one can break it down
like I know, my therapy therapist.

Speaker 2 (15:33):
Yes, let's do it. Ready, we're going to love a one,
two or three about the conversation.

Speaker 3 (15:38):
I don't know, so we might go through that rabbit hole.
So let me ask Chris, you ready to go down? Yes? Yes, yes, I'm.

Speaker 5 (15:48):
Talking about it. I love it, so, doctor will.

Speaker 3 (15:56):
I want to start right here because I think that
this is a that so many people have when it
comes to dating. Why does disclosing your mental health matter?
And what happens when we don't?

Speaker 2 (16:13):
So let's just start from the outside looking in right,
Many times in life we want to give our best impression.
We want to give our best representation of ourselves. We
want to give that first impression, especially in the dating scene.
Right there, are so many ways we want to let
them know that, hey, I am what I believe you
need in your life. Right. A lot of times we

(16:34):
represent ourselves to be something that is receptive to other people,
and then we learn through the relationship that there are
things that may not always be represented in the best
way because it takes time. And so we're always taught
that our first impression may be our only impression. But
we learn that love is a lifestyle, right, and love

(16:56):
is a lifelong journey, and so relationships are dynamic between
your past, present and future self, which is such an
intimate and vulnerable moment, and so sometimes we get caught
up in the romance of things, hoping for the closure
of intimacy. And on an internalized level, it's understanding the

(17:17):
actual concept or the conceptualization of just understanding congruence. What
I think, what I feel, and what I believe are
all the same. A lot of us live lives that
are just not always aligned in that way because of
what we've been through, we've been taught, and also how
we've been treated in our lives. And so especially for

(17:37):
this this gentleman, especially, you know, the amount of service,
the amount of dedication, the amount of sacrifice, the amount
of change that had to be adjusted just to be present.
You know, the fear of being alone can be met
with isolation and the rumination of loneliness, and so you know,

(17:59):
it's an important to be careful of those things because
in isolation we create depression, in a loneeness, we create attachments,
and in loneliness we might perform anxiety. So I think
it's very important to be just more nurturing about what
is the romance, what is the intimacy, and what is
the vulnerability that I'm desiring at this time.

Speaker 3 (18:21):
You know, when when the letter came across to me,
when we came and I read it, and I remember
I sat with it for a few days. I sat
with a few for a few days, because that's a
big responsibility when you are giving advice to someone, especially
that's being vulnerable and courageous to share something like that

(18:42):
with you. And so I remember writing him back and
I said, person, I'm not going to say now, I said, Person,
I said, I would love to give you the right answer,
but I don't have it. I said, but one thing
is that I told you is that I have friends
in a group of friends, and I will try to
find any answer that can help you on your journey

(19:05):
to find love that loves you for who you are.
And I asked them, you know, I actually ask them
to be a part of the show too, But I
hadn't heard from him since then, so I'm hoping that
he's in the shadows listening and watching right now. And
I want to say this because I didn't say this
the first. I want to thank you so much for
just trusting me with that letter and giving me the

(19:27):
opportunity to not only speak to you, but also to
speak to the world, because I think that letter wasn't
just for you. I think it was for so many
people out there that voices are not heard. And that's
on both ends. That's on those that have mental issues
and those that are in a relationship with those people
that don't know how to handle it. So let me

(19:49):
ask you this question, doctor Will, when to share mental
health history now? Once we know of its importance. The
next question becomes timing, right, So when is it too soon?
Is it too late to bring this up?

Speaker 2 (20:05):
Yeah, I'll keep it very simple. The truth is is
how well do you know yourself? How well do you
understand yourself? And how will how much are you willing
to be vulnerable with yourself because there are people that
have mental health issues that are in wonderful relationships. Right,
So we got to beat the stigma of thinking that

(20:26):
mental issues is a barrier to being loved. That's that's
just not true. But but the real question is is
what are you actually looking for in a relationship and
how are you expecting it? And so that that would
be my question for them is what type of relationship
are you expecting? And do you expect it on the
first date? What's our expectation and what is our realization?

(20:50):
What's the reality of what we're looking for? And do
you know the progress and the organic growth of a relationship.
Our relationships take time, So why shouldn't yours?

Speaker 3 (21:00):
Yeah, go ahead, Chris, you want to say something. Yeah,
I just wanted to chine in and piggyback on that,
because sometimes you know, when you have a strong need
for something or avoid you tend to want to jump
from A to Z without qualifying that person as a friend.
If you go into every situation as someone that has

(21:22):
the potential to become a friend one, you won't put
them in the category prematurely as your man or your woman,
because that's reserved for someone that has already already established
trust with you, someone who has mutually opened up and
shared things as well, someone that has already qualified. So
sometimes when there's that strong desire and that strong need

(21:45):
for something, you can make that mistake of placing that
person in a position that they're they're not. You know,
when you first meet someone, they're not your friend, they're
an acquaintance. There's someone that you're pursuing to get to know,
et cetera. But they're not necessarily a friend until they
become a friend. So you know, you can jump the

(22:06):
gun in that way, going from A to Z prematurely. Yeah,
I love that. Yeah, that is so true. You know,
oh well he liked.

Speaker 5 (22:14):
This much, you know. I think.

Speaker 6 (22:20):
Even going back to the question is how much do
you revealing your first date? I mean, on that first
date for men and women, you know this dog pound
so dog coming out. You thinking about that attraction, You're
thinking about that getting to know a person deep down
intimately and what he can bide, what she can gide
in things like that. So I think in some cases

(22:43):
revealing your mental health or not even it ain't be
meant just your problem and your issues. Don't you think
people a little afraid of that on the first date,
because if if I, if I put everything on the table,
to haul all the stuff I'm going through on the
table to on that, it won't be a second day,
it won't go past this. So don't you think that

(23:06):
first date, it's kind of hard to put so much
onto it.

Speaker 2 (23:09):
Okay, they might like it though that they might like
it and be like, okay, yeah, then you might be
doing that scared.

Speaker 3 (23:16):
Let me tell you this might be y'all might disappine
disagree with me. I think you should because why waste
anybody for the next day. You understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (23:25):
I'm showing up who I.

Speaker 3 (23:27):
Am authentically with no mask on, just I'll think this
is who I am. You know in our conversation that
matter of fact, can we be honest? I think you
and I talked about this the other day on the show,
when we're talking on the phone, when we becoming friends,
in that communication before we go out on that first day,
you already know you al because I want to make

(23:49):
sure that when when I show up, that I can
show up full of me and you can show up
full of you, so there will be no representation that
I'm meeting each other. Mm hmm.

Speaker 2 (24:01):
Yeah that I believe in transparency all the time because
I'm not trying to be funny. But at this age,
I can see if you're younger, you know, in your twenties,
eve in like early thirties, I'll even give you that,
but like, at some point, yeah, it's not even about
the person. It's about are you being honest with your life?

Speaker 3 (24:22):
Right?

Speaker 2 (24:22):
Are you sure you need to be here at this date?
What's your where your intentions? Because because at some age
it's like you're still hiding about what and you fit,
what are we doing?

Speaker 3 (24:33):
Yeah?

Speaker 5 (24:33):
And that's the key.

Speaker 6 (24:34):
The key is your age, the experiences that you have
went through before you can get to that point and
even sit down on that first date, you know, and
even going back to uh, well, Christy, it is about
becoming a friend first. When you get to when you
get today, when you'd have been through some bad relationships,
some bad marriages, and given some bad sexual partners, then
you get the time where okay, I can put more

(24:56):
on the table, but in the beginning, for most folks,
you sent a representative that we talked about mm.

Speaker 3 (25:03):
Hmm.

Speaker 5 (25:08):
That's when I showed back what two years ago?

Speaker 3 (25:12):
All right, so let's talk about how therapy helped with us,
all right. For those that are in therapy, there's often
this shame like do I tell them I'm going, But
isn't therapy actually a strength in a relationship? It should be,
right mm hmmm, yeah, yeah. I think at this point,

(25:35):
with the amount of information that's out there regarding the
benefits of therapy, more likely than not that's not really
necessarily shined upon anymore. I don't think in this day
and age. Maybe there was a stigma attached to it before,
but at this point, I think personally, like across society,
it's well received. It's more a more of a strength

(25:58):
than than you negative. There's people that you wouldn't even expect.
There's pastors, all kinds of people you wouldn't even expect
that get therapy and they're open about it to kind
of promote that. So I think that definitely represents the
strength in when you expose that.

Speaker 2 (26:14):
For sure, the will Christ I really appreciate you saying that,
because this whole thing is all about oh, it's new,
it's new, it's new. We got I'm like no, it's not.
It's very much out here. People are already talking about it.
It is seen. The problem is that we're socializing it
and not making accountability in the process of the healing itself.

(26:36):
That's the issue right now. So we're talking about it,
but we're not able to walk what it actually means.
You know. We always say, oh, yeah, I got anxiety.
Like when someone says that to me, that can mean
eight different things, and they say they have depression on
like which one? There's ten types of depression. Are you
sure you depressed? Are you just sad? You have anxiety?

(26:57):
Are you're just nervous? You have ideohd? Or do you
just don't like to study because you're lazy? Right? So
it's really like being more accurate and being more emotionally articulate,
like you know, and because because these words have meaning
to them and lifestyles and relationships and dynamics. It's like
you know, when you said when someone asked you, like, hey,

(27:19):
are you religious? Yeah, well which one? Which nomination? What
you believe? Like, oh yeah, I love religious? It's like,
well which one?

Speaker 3 (27:29):
Like?

Speaker 2 (27:29):
So it's really about like getting more intentional and I
think that's where we're at right now in this current generation,
is that we're talking about it, but we don't have
the accountability to back it up. And that's where we're
kind of that's why this is so important to talk
about right now.

Speaker 3 (27:44):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that answer.
So we know that there's still so much stiga out there,
even though we have in this conversation and we built
this whole platform, especially when it comes to like anxiety.
I have anxiety really bad. I can tell exactly what
it is is I'll be a black cloud, everything around
me happening in this darkness. Heale, that's that's the kind
of anxiety I get. And PTSD or bipolar disorder. You know,

(28:10):
what do we need to understand about these diagnoses, not
just from a clinical leans but from a compassionate.

Speaker 2 (28:17):
One mm hm. Three things. One, it's a human experience.
It's a human experience, which means we all have the
ability to go through it. No one's removed from a diagnosis. Two,
it's a clinical medical term, which means that there's a

(28:41):
lot of regular words that are compressed into that word.
So when we said depression or anxiety, you might be
saying nervous, scared, dissociated, blackout, sweaty, like, there's all these feelings,
do you know yours right? Right? And then importantly, are
we willing to admit and accept that this is a development.

(29:06):
And a lot of times when you deal with traumas,
it's usually a shared responsibility, and the healing is also
a shared responsibility. You don't heal alone. You didn't go
through your trauma alone. There was a relationship that happened
in your trauma. And so the whole isolation and that
aloneness gets right back to the conversations that you're not
actually the only person going through something and when we

(29:30):
realize that, it makes our world so much more gratifying.

Speaker 3 (29:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like to add to that too,
to also remember that we're all going through a journey.
We're all going through a spiritual journey. No one is
born with having it all together. So, you know, the
thing about it is when you're dating, you know you're

(29:56):
going to come across people that are at different levels,
different stages, different places life, and to have and to know,
you know, have compassion for that person for where they're at,
versus being judgmental because you might have been at that
same place five years ago. Or that same place ten
twenty years ago. But just to know as you're meeting
people and as you're you know, getting to know people

(30:18):
first off on the surface, that they can be at
different places in life. Sometimes God will bring two people
together and they're at a specific level where he deems
them ready, and so he'll you'll become each other's ministry.
And then there's times where you know that person may
not necessarily be a spouse or a future mate, but
they may be someone that He's sent across your path

(30:39):
to help for a season. So everyone that you meet, yeah,
isn't going to be necessarily a potential mate, But to
just always keep in mind and always remember we're all
human beings. Nobody has it all together, nobody's perfect, and
we go through stages. The one thing that the Body
of Christ honestly is guilty of at a lot of

(31:00):
times is forgetting where they came from. They forget that
they went through that stage of you know, picking the
wrong people. They forget they went through stages of promiscuousness.
They forget they went through stages of being in toxic
relationships and meeting this person and giving this person a
chance that had no business having a conversation with you.
You know, they forget these stages of life that we

(31:21):
all pass through, you know, and when you know and
if you're at that place. Let's say, for example, me,
I'm in my forties, so I had a lot of
you know, life before this. To get to this place
and assume that this person hasn't gone through anything, or
for them to assume I haven't gone through anything, is delusional,

(31:44):
you know. So just knowing and approaching that new relationship,
that dating experience with that compassion in mind that people
have history, you know, and not to judge it because
we all have it. Yes, beautiful, I love that you
said that, you know, because we all are spiritual beings.
That's something that we talk about a lot. And I
ask to give me a moment so we can shift

(32:05):
it a little bit over here for you for because
healing is is it's emotional, but it's not Jesse, emotional, spiritual.
I am so weird that, you know, I know some
of all our praying for every and anything. Actually, you know, doctor, well,
I pray right before I got on here, just for

(32:27):
all of us.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
I do on everything us.

Speaker 3 (32:32):
All the time, because you know, we all are still
bleeding somewhere somehow, right. So the next part is for you,
my listeners. Right here, here's a question for you, all right,
how has your faith helped or complicated your dating journey
while healing? Again? How has your faith helped or complicated

(32:56):
you're dating journey while healing? I would love for you
to drop those in our chat and we will be
open up the lines in a little bit.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
H chrisy, you better answer this one too.

Speaker 3 (33:10):
Oh. I could definitely answer that.

Speaker 2 (33:12):
I was like, I was like, okay, I sat back.

Speaker 3 (33:15):
I was like, oh yeah, you know because right now
the spiritual Yeah, yeah, because honestly, it's just it's it
isn't science.

Speaker 5 (33:31):
This is soul work.

Speaker 3 (33:33):
This soul work and can bring this faith. Like you,
cand I read your stuff, read your whole profile, not
the book just yet. I got the It was like
fifty pages. No, it was amazing everything that she had inspired.

(33:57):
You know, I want to thank you, but I also
want to thank my good my good girlfriends. There. Yeah, yes, yes, yes,
let's talk about this. This is my first question to
talk about is more about healing after shame and rejection.
So you know, so many people are listening tonight, right
they have experienced rejection after opening up, how do you

(34:19):
begin to heal after this? Shame tries to define your worth?

Speaker 2 (34:23):
Mm hmm mm hmmmm. I wanting to go up for
that one.

Speaker 3 (34:29):
Yeah, yeah, either or yeah.

Speaker 2 (34:33):
Shame is Shame is a unique emotion because it hits
a deeper wound and hurts a developmental wound, and a
lot of times in the healing process we have to
go back to that deeper wound to understand why it
presently inhibits us. And so I always tell people, you know,

(34:53):
in trauma, you time travel, you know, and so healing
is present, and so to bring that into the forefront
of a relationship, Shame is typically met with a defensive mechanism.
It's usually created I'm going to remove everybody. I'm put
my boundary up, I'm gonna cut people off, I'm gonna,
you know, remove, You're just cutting things off, right. It's

(35:14):
almost a form of self sabotage. It's like ant to
self sabotage behavior. And shame is something that you believe
is greater than yourself, which lets me know that there's
a traumatic wound when you believe that something you've already
been through is greater than what's ahead. Of you. I
can tell that that's a that's a traumatic childhood wound.

Speaker 3 (35:34):
Yeah and yeah, and just a piggyback off that comment
before I go on to the other part is that
impacts your decisions. So when you have that undealt trauma
and that shame that has been un dealt with, you
tend to assume that the person that you are possibly dating,
courting will not be able to handle that accept that

(35:57):
about you. You make these assumptions. I personally experienced that,
where you know, there's the pre dating, pre marital dating,
and then there's post divorce dating. So in the pre
marital dating of a whole lot of trauma was undealt with,
you know, just coming from not growing up in the church,
being wild teen, doing my own thing. And then I

(36:17):
would meet and I got into church, start meeting men
of God, and you know, some really great ones. And
I assumed they couldn't handle all my sides. I assumed
they couldn't handle my quote unquote ghetto side is what
I used to call it. I assumed these things. But
in naturality, they liked me just the way that I was.
For their reasons. They grew up in the church, they

(36:38):
wanted my type. They wanted me, you know what I
mean that to maybe possibly balance them out. But I,
because of my trauma, thank you, doctor will, I made
assumptions that they weren't going to be able to handle
it with natuality they could have. And what was the
other part of that question I really wanted to answer, Naomi,

(37:01):
what was the part of that question that you asked
regarding what I'm waiting for dog, for my break to
break for me. That's why, you know, do me a
favorite dog, go over to the batter right fast for me,
because it's right there, and that question is right there. Yeah,

(37:21):
there it is. It is how has your faith helped
or complicated your dating journey while healing? Yeah? I want
to say it, you know. Okay, now we're talking post divorce. Okay,
that's because that's a whole another set of journey. That's
a different journey when I have more wisdom or knowledge,
but at the same time, I'm still learning as I go.

(37:43):
That's why it took me seven years, eight years to
complete the book, not because of writing, but because I
was on a journey. God was pouring into the book
as I was going on that journey. So I noticed
that you know. Initially, I'm gonna keep it real with
you guys. In the beginning. Yes, I have my standards.
Yes I have my core beliefs, my core values regarding

(38:05):
no sex before marriage, all those things. But then because
I was kind of back green to dating after being
married for thirteen plus years, you know, when I deemed
myself ready, I'm like, okay, I'm ready, get out there,
jump on a dating app. And I realized that my
standards weren't as strong as I thought they were. So

(38:26):
I'm one of them people that can be honest and say, yes,
I know these things. But I slipped up because I
allowed I had sex, make it plain, because I allowed
someone to try to convince me that their standards were
the right standards. So on this eight year journey, I

(38:47):
learned and I got stronger, and now I'm solid as
a rock. You know what I'm saying. I've learned that
it doesn't matter, Like it really doesn't matter if they're
not and whatever your standard is, I do have those
standards about waiting for you, waiting to have sex before marriage.
If you not with it, you're not with it, and
that's okay. I have walked away from some really really

(39:10):
amazing people the world would consider amazing people because we
weren't on the same page spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. And
that's the true essence of what being equally yoked is.
The Church used to teach us. You both believe in Jesus,
you're equally yoked. No, it's across the board, you know
what I'm saying. So you know, if that's not the case,
it's just not the case. And that's okay, because you

(39:32):
will find that person. That's where the faith comes in.
You will find that person that that does have the
same faith that you have and can walk the same walk.
You know. It's so for me, it weeds out the
counterfeits and just brings me closer to that person, you know,
through obedience. And you know when it was, it seemed

(39:53):
complicated in the beginning. Now it's just makes it more
black and white. But in the beginning, I'm like, you know, okay,
you know, you know, okay, Well, I guess it's okay.
And you know, we if we have this tendency as
a society to jump the gun. Everybody wants to test
drive everybody. I call it audition, sex and the book. Okay,
I call it audition sex, and you know, they want

(40:14):
to see if it's good enough to start a relationship
to be with the person. But let's be real. If
your faith is where my faith is, guess what. I
gotta have faith that your stuff is good. It's a
two way street, you know what I'm saying. It's not
just one you having faith that God knows what he's
doing in that area. I gotta have the same faith,
you know what I mean. So that to me is

(40:34):
more spiritually yoked. You're going to find people that's not
with it. I approach guys like that like I'm okay
with it. I'm not judgmental, I'm not mean. I'm not
that religious stank face. You know when they talk about
where they're at, I'm like, okay, is this something you believe?
Is this something you're willing to do? No, I'm not okay,
that's cool, that's cool. I got you. I get it.

(40:57):
You know what I'm saying. Everybody's where they're at. Everybody
body has their or where they're at in realist in
real in real life. So that's that's how I approach it.
Either we are on the same page or we're not.
But I don't. I don't judge people for wherever they
are because I was there, you know what I'm saying, Like,
I wasn't always where I am today, so you know,

(41:19):
and that just lets me know if it's if it's
worth my time or not. Basically, you know, thank you
for that. So let's talk about now about redefining worth
through faith. You know you teach, you coach a lot
about worth, Krista, What does it mean to yourself through

(41:39):
God's eyes after trauma? Hmmm? I look at it as
a strength. I look at it like everything that I've
been through, and I've been through some stuff. Everything that
I've been through was to become more relatable for others
who need to from God through me. So when I

(42:03):
went through a season of using drugs, when I went
through the season of being promiscuous, when I went through
the season of you know, you know, whatever it was,
just whatever was, I look at that as a strength,
you know, because who can you relate to more than
somebody has been through what you've been through or can

(42:24):
talk about it from that angle. So I look at
it as a strength and getting closer to God. And
this is just real. This is not something that just
came like I just realized. This is something that I
realized over time, what kept me and what keeps me
peaceful full of faith during this process, This journey, this
single journey is my relationship with God. Like there's no

(42:48):
sugar coating it. I can't really credit anything else to
be for me personally, it was being close to him.
And I didn't know that I was going to get
divorced while I was getting gradually closer to him all
those years, I didn't know that that relationship would carry
me through my next season. So being close to him
makes me realize, you know, no, it doesn't matter what

(43:09):
people think, you know, but that started way before I
got divorced. You know, being close to him lets me
know that I'm a daughter, Like it's a real thing,
Like how people will come against me. I had a
recent kind of attack or to speak recently, and I'm like,
they don't know who they messing with. I'm a daughter
of the King. You better be careful. And the situation

(43:31):
turned around today this morning. But it was just like
just you, when you walk with him and it becomes Rayma,
it becomes revelation of who you really are in Christ,
nothing matters your past don't matter. You can talk about
anything and everything from the past according to the timing
of the Holy Spirit, of course, using his wisdom. But
you don't. There's nothing anybody can say about you that

(43:55):
can can make you feel guilty or shame because your
identity is it's literally in Christ like from the surface,
when I think about that, it sounds good, but when
it becomes your reality, you want a whole another level.
You are on a whole other level. You know you can.
You can have those conversations on the first date if

(44:16):
you feel led to do it. You can have those
conversations in any setting, any environment, any person you know
that needs to hear it, because the reality is what
they think doesn't matter. That's how you know when you're
centered in God for real and that relationship is real.
If somebody if my dad, let's say a natural person,

(44:38):
my dad said, yes, you have, you know, two million
in the bank, you're wealthy, or this, you're that, And
somebody comes over and calls me broke, Am I really
gonna care? You know what I'm saying, like, is it
really gonna matter? It doesn't matter? And I've experienced and
I'm not. This is what I've experienced when people talked
about me, you know in high school, when people talked

(45:01):
about me, Well, I didn't really know who I was
in Christ in high school, but you know, it still
carried me afterward once I got to know him. When
people talked about me. After I got divorced, I was like, Wow,
this is the whole this is but it it was.
I was so numbted and so oblivious. And that's not
because I shielded myself from it, although I kind of did.

(45:25):
I didn't go back and try to dive into the information.
I really don't care. So when it came to me
every blue moon, it didn't affect me. But you're gonna
have times to practice that. You know, there's gonna be
those opportunities God's going to allow you to have to
where He's going to train you on not to care,

(45:45):
one opportunity at a time, and then you'll realize you're there,
You're there, You're you're ready, beautiful. Did you want to
piggyback on that?

Speaker 2 (45:55):
You go to the next question, doctor will No, I
want to move back because because it's going to connect.
I think it's gonna connect. The next thing you're going
to say, because we're in like I hear where she's going.

Speaker 3 (46:06):
So yeah, I'm not going there.

Speaker 2 (46:09):
No, Okay, Okay, well then let me say, let me
just say then, let me say it's briefly. Then I
think we've When it comes to healing, yeah, when I
learned about the authenticity, right, we talk about faith, but

(46:30):
we talk about the works. To me, the healing process
is the works of the faith, right, And so the
works is the works is learning that to give me
to not actually care and that I had to accept
everything that was happening in my life. I had to
surrender to that. I had to surrender to what was
really happening in my life. And a lot of people

(46:51):
have to learn to embrace the vulnerability or the strength
to be vulnerable. Some people aren't strong enough to be vulnerable.
And so to learn that softness, to learn the hardness
and knowing what your hardness really means, right, to really
open up your own heart, your own hand, to open
up to your own heart is a level of faith

(47:12):
and trust. And I think psychologically speaking, we've been conditioned
to remove ourselves from our own stories. And so the rule,
the foundational rule here for me is the more you
tell your story, the less you become of it, and
so many people are afraid to tell their story. And
so for you to be in that alignment, like it

(47:36):
was a level of you telling your story to the
point where now you no longer can live that story
again because you've already told them you only made room
to tell your new story.

Speaker 3 (47:47):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
And so that level is really beautiful. And I think
that many people are going to have that secondary healing
hearing and reading your story because they need to know
how to grasp themselves again. And a lot of times
when you remove yourself from your trauma, you do find
god confusion. It is truly a distraction. It really is

(48:09):
time traveling that you did not really consent to. And
so I really appreciated how you foundated that in your language.

Speaker 3 (48:17):
Thank you, Thank you fully said both for you golf.
All right, so let's talk about God's timing versus rules pressure, pressure.
So let's be real, let's be real when people look
at it, why you don't God timing doesn't always feel
you know what I'm saying. When the world is pushing
dating apps fast up, how do you balance all of

(48:42):
that either go yeah, I'll say that's the part where
it takes deliberate intention, know, mental control, what's some intention

(49:02):
in there? And doctor Will can probably elaborate more on
what I'm saying from a clinical perspective, because part of
that is not over obsessing over it. Like I don't
think about marriage. I don't have marriage books all over
my house. Yeah, I have lots of faith. I have
one hundred percent top notch faith, but I don't consume
myself with thinking about it from a practical perspective. And

(49:28):
you know, also what you consume if you're you know,
we live in an error where you can just hashtag
one topic and find a thousand opinions on it. I
don't do that. Like I do watch what's out there,
was the content that's being put out there for educational
purposes to kind of see where people are at things
like that, but I don't take it as advice, you

(49:51):
know what I mean. I'm very very particular or what
I take as advice that and it is even if
it's as Golly or not, because I have to discern
it's really him. So not over consuming all the content
that's out there will keep you balanced and when you're focused,
and I know this is another cliche term, but when

(50:11):
you're focused. But it's the truth when you focused on purpose,
because there's you still have your moments. But when you're
focused on purpose, you know you're busy. You're busy. You know.
I'm a single mom, so you know that takes up
a lot of my time. But I have my moments.
I have my moments where I'm tired of pulling into
groceries and i want I'm like, God, where's my husband
at I can't. I'm tired of this. You know what

(50:32):
I'm saying, like I want somebody to help them out.
It's because I think emotionally I'm okay. I'm okay because
of my relationship with God and I've learned to have
you know that one trust those trusted people in your
life where you can just you know, have some type
of companionship, some type of interaction. It ain't just you

(50:53):
and your children, but just having that, you know, someone
that you can talk to whenever you can about your
day to day. But I don't over consume. I don't
obsess over getting married. I don't you know, Yeah, I
don't bombard myself with those things so that it's not
because it doesn't become an obsession. It's just like you know,

(51:15):
a haver, you have my moments. The moments come, the
moments go, but that's it, you know, and there's always
something on the to do list to do. So yeah,
that's kind of how I keep it balanced. I don't
and this is another thing, real quick, real quick. If
I'm dating someone and i'm feeling them, one of the
things I don't do is watch TV series and movies

(51:35):
that are about relationships because it could make me overlook
things that I need to see. For example, like Harlem
is one of my shows. If I watch Harlem, I'm
going to desire more of a relationship, not necessarily the
person I'm dating, but just being in a relationship period.
So I'll hold back when i'm dating. Maybe in between

(51:57):
here and there, I could do it. But if i'm
dating someone, especially if i'm feeling them, to make sure
that my lenses are clean or clear, I don't watch
certain things. If i'm dating someone i'm really feeling. The
song Blued Up comes on, I guard my ears. I'm
not gonna listen to that because I'll start fantasizing about
this person being that person in my mind. So I'll

(52:19):
take those guards during different periods of life based on
what's going on to kind of keep me from obsessing
or overlooking the red flags or you know what I'm saying,
or or just obsessing period or just you know, desiring
a relationship and overlooking the person that I'm actually vetting

(52:40):
because I want that relationship for that. You know, well,
that is I've never heard. I've heard that. I understand
your logic behind that, because we are going buy so
many different things from music to radio to you know,
social media, and so I do understand, but I've just

(53:01):
never heard that before. Thank you for sharing that, Thank
you for just being honest with that. You know as well,
that's what. Did you want to say something about that question? No,
not really, I.

Speaker 2 (53:15):
Know I actually once so so it's really important for
me to say that. I love the fact that you
acknowledge that because there is so much saturation in the world,
and we're so saturated by things that are unhealthy and
and and we don't recognize that even our lives are

(53:36):
based upon memes, right, our lives are based upon memes,
Like you send people memes all the time. That's a
whole other portal of exposure and saturation and conditioning. We're
not like like, I try not to analyze my my
Instagram's profile, my friend's profile pages, because I can tell
what they're going through based upon what they're what their

(53:56):
story is. I can tell I'm like, Okay, they're about
their up, but they're going to get the better about
three weeks and then oh, she's probably pregnant. Okay, that's
probably what's happening. And you can tell by the memes
the amount of conditioning that's occurring is wild. And so
I just want to acknowledge that I appreciate your authenticity
and vulnerability to the vulnerability that you have. But everything

(54:20):
that you said let me know that you're a very
vulnerable person. And so for me, I would if I
was dating, I would make sure that I would be
very cautious about how I show up and what I
present to you, because I know that faith and susceptibility
are things that you value, and that comes with convenience
and quality and dating relationships. A lot of us choose
convenience over quality all the time. So I just appreciate

(54:42):
you acknowledging that.

Speaker 5 (54:44):
I so agree.

Speaker 6 (54:46):
You ready you ready a ready, all right.

Speaker 3 (54:50):
So we have sawt we've seen part of the clinical
side of it, and we saw part of the spiritual
side of this. So you ready to go into the
real world with real.

Speaker 5 (54:59):
World to us?

Speaker 2 (55:00):
All right, I can't wait. I've been waiting all day
for this. Let's go. Let's go back.

Speaker 3 (55:06):
So let's talk about what dating actually look like out
here in the mental health is a part of this story.
And I got a question for our audience. I got
an audience question. Yes, I have an audience question. Yeah, yeah,
you know. I wanted to be so much more interactive
on this when you know, get the questions out of
the audience. So this is my question to the audience.

(55:29):
What's something you wish more people understood about dating while
managing anxiety and depression? All right, Doc pound mike mind.
So I put that question out there to our listeners.
Let me say that one more time. What's some things
that you wish that more people understood about dating while
managing anxiety and depression? All right, dog pound my mind.

(55:50):
So let's take it to the real world, because you know,
we could talk about therapy and faith all day, but
dating in twenty twenty five, But dating in twenty twenty
five still has a lot of unspoken rules and a
lot of people out here still don't know how to
handle honesty.

Speaker 6 (56:09):
Well, I mean, and we look at it, you tall,
twenty twenty five, and I'm gonna tell y'all, I'm an
old man.

Speaker 5 (56:15):
I'd have been through everything, you know.

Speaker 6 (56:18):
And one thing that I know doctor Will said is
he said, it's like a time traveler. Well, you know something,
that's all we got is a time travel because when
we get up old in age, all we can do
is go back and think about our past. And when
we think about our past, you think about all the experiences,
all the things we have been through. So if you're

(56:38):
up in your older age and you're thinking about going
out there dating again, everything in the past will come
back to you. All the mistakes you did, all the
things if you've done, it will come back to you.
So now dating in twenty five is so much influence.

Speaker 5 (56:53):
Like Christmas says, it is so much.

Speaker 6 (56:55):
Influence from TV, social media, everything, much more than we
had when we was coming up.

Speaker 5 (57:01):
I know, much more.

Speaker 6 (57:02):
I mean when I came up, I had to call
my girlfriend on the house phone, so Mama might answer,
Daddy might anybody ask, or you even get to talk
to that person. Now they do it back on Instagram,
they drop your DM. So it is so much harder
day now, and really the unspoken rule is now on

(57:23):
the day now or online, it's how you're supposed to
find that person, you know. It ain't finding nobody at work,
going on the data, or even going to clubs anymore.

Speaker 5 (57:32):
You find them online.

Speaker 6 (57:34):
And then, as Chris has said, is if you find
somebody and you like them, you can't have those influence
kicking in.

Speaker 5 (57:42):
But that's all we got is the influences.

Speaker 6 (57:45):
All you got is social media, all you got is
the TV shows. Is so much content out there on TV, music,
on the radio. Every song is talking about getting something, money, sex, love.

Speaker 5 (58:00):
You know, we ain't got all the love songs like
we used to.

Speaker 6 (58:04):
But that's going back to time when we will click
on that Luther to hear that song, or when we'll
go to switch to hear that love song. You know,
even the young kids know about that because it's all
out there online, you know.

Speaker 5 (58:18):
So it is harder. So any kind of mental.

Speaker 6 (58:21):
Capacity you have to have is so much influence out
there that it's hard for people to decide. It's hard
for people to figure out, you know. And when we
say mental back in the day. When I grow up,
it wasn't mental. You was crazy. It wasn't you hit
a reff It was just damn crazy. Now it is
a mental thing, and people trying to evolve in people

(58:43):
trying to heal, and people trying to grow. And then
you meet somebody and their standards may be the same
or they may be different, but you gotta kind of
configure out where you want to go with this.

Speaker 5 (58:56):
You know, it's.

Speaker 6 (58:57):
Really when I look at social media, I look at videos.
I don't even read the comments. If I see a
video is funny, it's funny. If I see a video
about this, I look at the video or hear the comment.
I do not read people comments because that's a whole
nother influence.

Speaker 5 (59:12):
Well, the hard part about twenty twenty five is the influence.

Speaker 6 (59:17):
It's from the TV, it's from the radio, it's from
social media. It puts all kinds of stuff in your head.
So the mental part of it is being able to
clear yourself and ground yourself so you know who you are,
what you want, and that's what you're going for. But
then you turn your hand and it's so much more
trying to bobark you. So the unspoken rules of dating. Now,

(59:41):
you gotta be strong. You gotta be strong. And it
probably is stronger for us older folks because we have
been through so much.

Speaker 5 (59:49):
But the younger generation. I got a young daughter that
ain't even here it yet, that I don't even know.

Speaker 6 (59:54):
And then to other days that hey, they going through
some stuff, but we gotta we gotta show them. We
got to show how to be grounded, how to think,
how to make choices, real choices that they make, not
choices just influenced by by anything in his work.

Speaker 3 (01:00:11):
Yeah, So that's why I I go hard for self love.
That's why I go hard for self love, because it's
truly knowing and understanding who you are, what your core
values are, not who influenced you from your parents, but
how who you are and when you in the mirror.

(01:00:32):
I remember, just the other day, we were doing the
show about that mirror, that dirty mirror. Remember we talked
about that dirty mirror and about any that mirror. How
we clean off that mirror when we look at ourselves
in the mirror. We have to love ourselves and we
have to have to know who you fully are, even
when it's dirty. You have to be accepted and accountable

(01:00:55):
for any and everything that you are when you're doing
things in life just period. I love that you shared
this story about your transition from your divorce to you know,
from your divorce to just now you know, and back
and forth, and that how you were very you chose

(01:01:18):
very wisely for you on who you were going to
allow into your space. But that's how all of us,
all of our values don't have to be as yours
but for individual unity, for us, for me, you will,
or whatever, we have our own value on how we
should do things. And that's self love comes in. It's

(01:01:38):
like who am I? Who are Yomi? Who are you? Oh?

Speaker 5 (01:01:43):
I am?

Speaker 3 (01:01:44):
I am a retired poor star. I am a retired singer.
I am a retired gist. I am a transitional life coach.
I am a relationship coach. I am a dominant you know.
It's so many players to me for me to build
my character. But not only that, I am a loving,
very gifted person, you know, but also I have my flaws.

(01:02:08):
Sometimes I'm unpatient, I'm an affectionist.

Speaker 5 (01:02:11):
You understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (01:02:13):
But once people start to understand all of those things
about themselves and take okay, this is who I am.
And know that everybody is not going to get me, okay,
even with the thing is is that and I might
y'all might say I think probably one hundred percent. I

(01:02:33):
ain't gonna say ninety nine. I'm like one hundred percent
of this world is going through something mentally.

Speaker 2 (01:02:39):
We're in a psychological war right now. Yes, that's what
makes this such a difficult time in our lives. We're
having a psychological war. And nobody can point the finger
at the problem of war. No, it's not visible. It's
truly internal. Yeah, and it's making us reflect and project

(01:03:00):
and we don't know who's mirrors who anymore. We're trying
to realize that we're living in a broken mirror system.
We're all fragments of each other and we don't want
to put the pieces together. But the truth is that
we're trying to find each other and it will be
a beautiful mosaic. It will eventually, But some pieces have
to go, and that's the hardest part about it. I
don't like to talk about that too much because it

(01:03:21):
gets a little sad, but you know, some people do
have to go, and some pieces will not come along
the way, and that frequency will be higher and we
will leave people behind. And it's not because we want to.
It's because we chose ourselves. We chose our highest self. Yeah,
and that is that you cannot recreate, You have to
become that.

Speaker 3 (01:03:42):
Yeah. True, that's it. Yeah, that is so true. You know,
just to go back, I really want to talk about
self love. I really do, because you really do have
to tap into who you are and figure out who
you are, regardless to anything, regardless of mother, father, sister, brother, wife, daughter, whatever.

(01:04:07):
You have to figure out who you are. So then
when you are in front of these different people, these
different entities in your life, that you're able to hold yourself,
able to hold yourself. Yeah, you know. And I see
I see all of you BTG crew that's in the comments.

(01:04:27):
I see a lot of you there. And I want
to thank you all for just giving your input in
saying what you had to say. You know, this whole
month is going to be an amazing month. There will
be sometimes that we're gonna talk about Trump. You know,
if this is not what you want, this is not
the space to be, This is not the space to be.

(01:04:47):
We're coming in here, non judgmental, non judgmental. There is
a lot of people that I know that either I've
counseled them or either just in my my intimate that
are going through some kind of mental health, you know,
a mental illness. You know, some have been diagnosed in

(01:05:09):
some haven't. You know. That's why when I look at
the world, even our president. You understand what I'm saying. Well,
you was like, we all are broken, So we all
are looking from a broken mirror. How about we look
within our own mirror. You understand what I'm looking for
the owner, and look at our own reflection and figure
that out. Is it okay to you know, kind of

(01:05:30):
go to self help us and do this such and
such and such. Yeah, if you're strong enough, if you're
strong enough to understand who you are when you go in.
And this word is big when we talk about it,
but it's small discernment, you know.

Speaker 2 (01:05:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:05:49):
So when we when I know we got a little
deep into this reality, put down that little rabbit hole,
you know, because I don't want I want to kind
of go back. I don't want us to lose why
we're doing this too, you know, because here as a
forty nine year old man that is a veteran, that
is right now he feels lost because he's unable to

(01:06:09):
connect with someone love him for him. Do't saying. And
I know there's a lot of people out there that
want somebody to love them for them, for all of
their flaws. But let me say this, sometimes we have
to know what we're looking for. This might sound funny,

(01:06:32):
but I remember years ago, myself Dot Mike and my
other old co hosts back in the day, we used
to talk about there's levels. There's levels to being in
a relationship with somebody. There's levels to knowing who you
should be with. A lot of times when you you
trying to be with the girl with the pretty girl
that's on ig is that you that ain't your girl?

(01:06:55):
While you like her, she do you know what I'm saying,
got to be booed by you.

Speaker 5 (01:07:05):
You don't want.

Speaker 3 (01:07:06):
Old girl down the street. You want that one. And
let's talk to the females. Honestly, you want that rich
dude that's out there balling doing everything in the world,
but you want to be his only No, that bonding
he liveing his life. That's not the type of love
that you want. So you got to understand what the

(01:07:27):
type of love that you won't set it in the beginning.
You have to understand and know what kind of relationship
you won't So it doesn't matter if you've been diagnosed
with bipolar, with dementia, with whatever. Let me take the
minsion out of there, because you been dont forgot what
the hell you were thinking about.

Speaker 5 (01:07:46):
So there's to.

Speaker 3 (01:07:50):
The side. I know what I mean. I love when
you said take accountability, take accountability for you for the
choices that you make, and you trying to get I
even like what christ it was like, I don't listen
to the first time I heard, but I don't listen
to the TV if I'm dating somebody, don't do this
because I don't want that to influence or what I

(01:08:12):
am a fantasy about this stuff. And I go in
like you like the one that's the one like you?
Actually the rest of the episode for real exactly.

Speaker 2 (01:08:32):
Said that. I just and I hope that that veteran
knows that the first step into all of this is
recognizing why do you really want a relationship? M What
is it? What would it mean to you? Why do
you value it so much? Why is it important? Right?
What do they look like? Write a letter out? But

(01:08:53):
what they look like? What do they smell? Like, what
do they do for a living? Where are you going
in your life to be seen by other people? Who
you how are you taking to them? Right, especially at
that age, sometimes it's not about who you are, it's
about where you are now. Your environment is the reason
why you're not being seen the way you want to
be seen. Love is way more expansive than just one person, right, right,

(01:09:15):
Guy's love is bigger than one person. But also it
can start through the eyes of someone you love.

Speaker 3 (01:09:23):
Yeah, can I can also? I just real quick, I
was just thinking about how my journey started. When I
was twenty years old in college and I was I mean,
I don't know clinically, but I felt like I was depressed. Right,
I wasn't eating. I'm just in a dorm room. I
had a little daughter, and you know, I'm just like
and I wasn't going to church or wasn't that wasn't

(01:09:44):
my lifestyle yet, and I'm just like, something is wrong, Like,
you know, I was. I felt suicidal, you know what
I mean. I don't know how far I would have
actually gone, but I felt like that was the purpose
why I wasn't really eating, because I just didn't care
self love, not even a a thought. Okay, So while
my question came to me, that really led me to Christ,

(01:10:05):
which led to the practical steps that I can take
out of this story is I was like, I know
life is better than this. I know there's something greater
than this. Yes, I'm in college political science major, the
whole nine, living in a beautiful dorm. On the surface,
it looks great, you know, but I knew something was missing,
Like life, it's got to be. I feel like my

(01:10:26):
life is supposed to be great. That's all I had
to go off of. And from there, that desire led
to meeting this person who introduced me to this church
to and then I started learning about the purity of
God's love. Before that, you know, when when you're looking
for love the wrong way for whatever reason. It's not
a young thing. It could be any age. You're looking

(01:10:47):
for love through people, through sex, through relationships. However, you
know to do that at that time, it's never going
to fulfill you. It's never going to satisfy you. And
and bring that satisfaction and that crisis love did so
when I felt his love for the first time, the
purest love I ever felt in my life. After you know,

(01:11:08):
searching for it unknowingly. That's when I start my life
started transforming. That's when things I started renewing my mind
with the Word of God. That's when he put me
with other ministers that can start teaching me little by
little because I had no background in church, no background
about understanding the Bible. So I was starting from a
clear slate. Wow.

Speaker 2 (01:11:27):
Really yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:11:28):
It was became a benefit later because I'm like, you know,
don't underestimate that because you're balanced. You know, you're balanced.
You don't have sometimes not on all cases, have both
religious mindsets that can hinder you, you know, or teachings
that were wrong that you so embedded in you that
you you know what I'm saying, it kind of comes

(01:11:49):
out of your life. But I just want to say,
like those practical steps, you know something's missing. You might
not be able to identify it or say what it is,
but that. But but if if you have that, God
will meet you where you are, you know, and if
you if you just want the simple practical steps, go
to church, you know, find a good church. This is

(01:12:10):
what I did that changed my life. I found a
good church and from there I just started going and
learning practical wisdom, practical knowledge, practical biblical principles that can
change me little by little, not overnight, you know, little
by little, little by little, and I started building that.
That's when the relationship with God started building. And once

(01:12:30):
you have that your field, your field, you don't you're
not going to seek what you're seeking from people anymore.
Are you going to desire marriage still? Yeah? Are you
still going to desire relationship, companionship, have sexual urges, the
whole nine. Yes, but you'll you'll be able to go
about it in a way that's healthy and not desperate.

(01:12:55):
You know what I'm saying. If there's a stare, there's
a stage of desperation that can come with trying to
fill a void by any means necessary. So you know
that those are the practical steps that I experienced from
my personal story that I think that you can that works,
That works till this day. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Christ.

(01:13:17):
Doctor Will, did you have anything to.

Speaker 2 (01:13:18):
Say, No, it was truly to be kind to yourself.

Speaker 3 (01:13:23):
Yeah, you always we are not closing off just yet,
I know.

Speaker 2 (01:13:30):
So much.

Speaker 3 (01:13:32):
No, I'm just kidding this. That's something that doctor will
say all day. That's a beautiful, beautiful closing and that
you have right there. First of all, I want to
thank everybody for just showing up, showing up as your
authentic self, even in the comments. I see in the
comments was going going crazy. We had some trolls for
a moment there, yeah, here, But I truly appreciate everybody

(01:13:58):
you know coming on this journey right here. So before
we close out tonight, I want to spotlight on how
others can help while we're celebrating. All right, So we
got our Mind in Heart Collection showcase. That is where
we design with intention for those of you who love,
and He'll loudly grab yours. Tonight supports the calls and

(01:14:21):
wear your story proud. Once you pick up your shirt,
grab your t shirt, take a picture, hashtag Mind in
Heart Collection, hashtag asks Naomi, hashtag love and mental health.
And also for our Mental Health America fundraiser launch. All

(01:14:41):
proceeds from Tonight's donation in all month long, all month long,
it's going directly to him, to them. That's one hundred percent.
So if you ever felt like you were struggling in silence,
this is your chance to give someone else a voice,
and it's up there. But after you can go to
ask Iaomi dot com that link is live now. That

(01:15:02):
link is live today, And that's something that I loved
about them because I had put myself to go on
the website, but they didn't make it live until May first?
Do they come to May first? All right? So actually
I want to ask our different for some closing verbs
from any reflections on tonight. Shall I'm gonna go with

(01:15:23):
you first, Crystal got you? Okay? So I just want
to say, you know, experiencing dating in this day and
age is it's a lot. I mean, he can be
a lot. But the thing that kind of comes to
me is when people are kind of thrown, they're kind

(01:15:45):
of shocked by the level of peace that I have,
you know, Like say, for example, I talked to an
older un and she's like, you, what's going on with
your dating life? You know? And they're like, oh my God,
are you good? You're good? I'm good. And I think
that the reason you have to take in wisdom. I

(01:16:06):
can't say that I would be in the mindset that
I'm in and have the peace that I have in
the faith level that I have without the journey. God
took me on first by giving me the wisdom in
this journey before he has me go out to the
world and teach it. So I really feel like it's
very important. You got to discern who.

Speaker 2 (01:16:27):
So before I get started, make sure you have your
your your purpose paper and purpose pen out just so
that we can write this out because I need to
write this out. It's five steps I'm going to give you.
So we start out with this. So this is the
number one. But this is how you preface. So the
first thing is preference. You need your preferences. I need

(01:16:48):
you to know what you prefer in people, places, and things.
What do you prefer in your life? What do you
prefer to experience? What you prefer in others? Right, if
you don't have a preference, you can't create a standard
or a next of how you want to open yourself up? Oh, Chrissy,
you're back. Yes, sure, you want to finish up? You
want to finish I can hold money.

Speaker 3 (01:17:07):
Yeah, that's it, that's it. Just be open, be open
to change, be open to transform. You know what I mean.
You're you're nobody's going to figure this out trying to
get it, trying to understand it on their own. Just
you know, understand that there's some things that you know
we can all learn. And the more you learn God's
ways versus the world's ways, the easier it's going to be.

(01:17:27):
Because that's the only thing that's keeping me through this
journey is I'm not doing it the world's way. The
world's way will hurt you, get you, get you hurt,
get you heartbroken, get your into soul ties, the whole nine,
you know, and just have you on an unnecessary emotional
roller coaster. As I have adopted, not always had it,

(01:17:48):
but as I have adopted God's way of going through
this journey, it has kept me. It has kept me
at peace. It has kept me from is there a
sting here? And the are yeah, but it has kept
me from, you know, wasting my time giving myself to
people that didn't deserve it, you know, seeing what I
want to see versus what I need to see, really

(01:18:09):
discerning is God in this situation or not, you know,
and having the strength to be able to walk away
if I need to, you know what I mean. The
whole Pigmy thing was in my book seven years ago
before it got popular. So I was just like, you know,
when you have that ability to walk away if it's
not what you want and meeting your standards. Then then

(01:18:31):
I can say you're truly ready for the make God
has for you. But you know, just allow God to
teach you. Be open to learn something new, be open
to learn Godly wisdom so that you don't have to
go through it the hard way. You don't have to
trust me. Beautiful, Thank you, Chris. Did you want to
finish doctor Will?

Speaker 2 (01:18:52):
Yeah? So first things first is compatibility. So the fast
number one, I understand what makes you compatible and also
what doesn't make you compatible. It's important to know what
makes you compatible because there are some social norms in
the world that are relationally needed. Right. If you've grown
I need you to be able to watch yourself or

(01:19:14):
know how to watch yourself, or know what the compatibility
is real, right, And because there are people that are
not sexually compatible, right, and it's like I have needs
and you don't. Don't. Don't don't waste somebody's time if
you know you're not compatible. Number two companionship. It's important
to learn how to play. If you can't play with

(01:19:36):
your partner, then it doesn't really matter. If you lose
the art of playing, you lose the joy of passion
and romance. You have to remember the play. So companionship
is number three. Couplehood is next, right, So couplehood is next.
How you represent each other as a couple is so important.
When I walk out the door, I know who I
represent and where I come from. So I have to

(01:19:58):
know that we're coming together and we're seen as a
force together. You have to be strong about how you
represent each other outside the house. And then you have
a partnership. That's the next one. Partnership isn't about just
being with somebody, It's about how do we function together
in a relationship. The functionality of the relationship is so important.
I need to know that I can count on you

(01:20:19):
to help me finish my day, and I can count
on you can count on me to finish your day.
We need to be functional together as partners in this financially, relationally, emotionally, spiritual, environmentally,
we need to be functional. And then last is the marriage. Right,
that's the final step, and it's important to understand that
marriage can be lineage or legacy. It's lineage's children, right,

(01:20:41):
their children, But that doesn't they're not your legacy, right.
The love that you have for each other is the legacy,
So you have to ask yourself when you're being married.
What type of legacy does our love create? And your
children are going to be products of that, naturally inherited
of the legacy, but they're going to be making their
own legacy on their own right, and so helping them
through your own legacy. So I think just those things preference, compatibility, companionship, couplehood, partnership,

(01:21:08):
the marriage. Hopefully that gives you kind of a way
of framing how to look at what love means. And remember,
passion is all between that, so be careful. Don't let
passion take you through number five and you should have
been at number one, because passion will make you feel
like you're already married and you on the first date,
So be careful. Passion has the power to do that,
so remember ground. So that's that's all I want to say.

Speaker 3 (01:21:31):
All right, beautiful, doctor will thank you.

Speaker 6 (01:21:35):
You know something, all I gotta say is just live
love and believe. You have to live your life, live
it to your fullest, help yourself, and you have to
believe in God, believe in the spirit that was brought
in us to keep moving.

Speaker 3 (01:21:53):
I love that, all right, beautiful, all right, So before
I go, I want to invite you to join us
next Thursday, May eighth for week two of our Love
and Mental series, where we were diving into a topic
that so many of us are quietly navigating, that's supporting
a partner with mental health challenges. Will be joined by
the amazing Aquila Whitley, therapist, founder of Support Advice, a

(01:22:17):
powerful voice and how to show up for your partner
without losing yourself in the process. So just set to
remind us and join us back here live next Thursday
at six pm Pacific Center Time, or for another night
of real talk, deep healing, authentic conversation, Final Push, y'all

(01:22:37):
go look, get that merch, yo, get that merch right now.
And I'm gonna tell you, very honestly, I'm I'm debating
if I'm going to do this mental health and love challenge.
I said that I was gonna do a seven day challenge.
I'm gonna sit in my auto tonight and I'm gonna

(01:22:58):
pray about it and see if that's something that is
needed at this moment, at this time. And once I do,
I will either follow ax Naomi on Instagram or either
the real Naomi banks On on Instagram as well, or
you can go to the website that I might have
an update of exactly what I'm going to do, because
I'm a person that would do all things and sometimes

(01:23:22):
it ain't even calls for me to do it. So
again I'm gonna go send it.

Speaker 2 (01:23:29):
I love that.

Speaker 5 (01:23:30):
Yeah, I.

Speaker 3 (01:23:33):
Again, ETG crew, thank you so much for showing us
for being on your best behaviors and also to those
that came into being just so woolly, we still give
you the we still need to love again. If you
needed some sex relationship advice, you know, email me at

(01:23:55):
Agniyomi at gmail dot com. If you want to be
a part of the show and you have something to
offer that as a positive if you can email me
at infos at ads, Biomi at.

Speaker 1 (01:24:06):
Dot com at info at a biot com.

Speaker 3 (01:24:13):
And I always say you get to one another in yourself.
You know this people, Sai, you have an amazing and amazing.

Speaker 7 (01:24:22):
Hey is the God and I hope you enjoyed that
last Naomi And if your d like subscribe thatation button
as well as comments.

Speaker 3 (01:24:36):
I said you keep a sex asks Naomi, what we're
talking about relationship? So mu

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Stuff You Should Know

The Joe Rogan Experience

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Love & Mental Health: Dating While Healing, Faith, and Finding Worth

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Stuff You Should Know

The Joe Rogan Experience

All Episodes

Love & Mental Health: Dating While Healing, Faith, and Finding Worth

On Purpose with Jay Shetty