I Babysat My Brother On New Year's Eve, But He Came Home At 4am Drunk...

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
I babysat my brother on New Year's Eve, but he
came home at four am drunk and disrespected my time.
Am I the asshole for being angry? I am a
childless woman of twenty five years of age. For weeks,
my friends and I had been anticipating a New Year's
Eve celebration at a rooftop bar with delicious cuisine, live music,
and a view of the fireworks. The tickets were previously

(00:21):
paid for by me. My brother called three days before
the New Year. He needed a babysitter because he and
his wife had been invited to a posh party. He
asserted that they had exhausted all other options, including friends, neighbors,
and babysitters. He guaranteed me they would return by one
am and promised to pay me twice. Unwilling to disappoint him,
I reluctantly consented in the hopes of catching the last

(00:43):
of my party. At six pm on New Year's Eve,
I reached their home. My brother described the children's nighttime
routine while they were still in their pajamas. I got
the kids to bed around eight thirty pm, and they
departed at seven pm. I was thinking about how much
fun my friends were having as I browsed through my
phone at ten PM while lounging on the couch, I

(01:03):
told myself that I could join them in just a
few hours. I texted my brother around midnight to see
whether they were en route. No answer. I was irritated
by twelve thirty and attempted to contact him and his wife,
but both calls went straight to voicemail. I even tried
calling the location, but got no response. I was alarmed
when I saw a picture of them looking fantastic at
the party on social media. I became angry instead of worried,

(01:27):
they were ignoring me, even though it was obvious they
had their phones. I was angry. At two am. I
considered phoning their buddies, but decided against it to avoid
making a disturbance. I also left voicemails and texts. The
kids slept peacefully, oblivious to my annoyance. When they finally
arrived at four am, my brother was intoxicated and his
wife was not doing much better. I got up and

(01:48):
went up to them without saying hello, What the devil?
You promised to return at one o'clock? How many times
have I phoned you? Do you know? My brother chuckled
and said, calm down, the new year is here. You
didn't have anything significant anyhow. I was shocked by his
contemptuous demeanor. Did their plans take precedence over mine? Did

(02:09):
my time not count? I informed him that I was
sick of being treated disrespectfully and that if they were
unable to honor my time or fulfill their commitments, I
would no longer be able to watch the children. I
was being dramatic, he replied, rolling his eyes. They only
needed a night and couldn't find anyone, his wife muttered.
The following morning, I received a text from my brother

(02:29):
warning me that I was being careless. He stated I
should be more understanding and that they deserved to enjoy themselves.
He even called me selfish, which was absurd considering the circumstances.
They mislead me and act as though my time is
useless in return for my numerous attempts to assist them.
He is now upset with me since I told him
I would no longer babysit. He says I'm overreacting and

(02:50):
that I'm punishing him and his wife for a single error.
But to me, this is a pattern of conduct rather
than just something that happens on New Year's Eve, the
unwavering belief that I'll do anything to assenting, and the
total disregard for my personal boundaries. Because I adore my
niece and nephew and don't want them to think I'm
leaving them. I'm torn. However, I also believe that I
must advocate for myself. When will I establish boundaries? If not, now,

(03:14):
is it my fault that I've decided to stop babysitting.
First update, I began to feel as though things were
calming down a few weeks after the New Year's Eve disaster.
To be honest, it felt like a weight had been
taken off my shoulders when I committed to my choice
to stop babysitting for my brother. Even though I adore
my niece and nephew, I couldn't keep putting myself in
situations where I was taken advantage of and treated disrespectfully.

(03:36):
It was about respecting myself, setting limits, and appreciating my
own time. My phone rang one evening. My brother was
the one I paused before answering, speculating about the topic
of the call. He requested me to watch the kids
after a clumsy beginning, He claimed that he and his
spouse had no one else to turn to and were
forced to work late. He expressed regret for the events

(03:57):
of New Year's Eve, stating that they had learnt their
lesson and that it was an isolated incident. He underlined
how much they trusted me with the kids and assured
them it wouldn't happen again. He even said that I
was the only one who could manage them. Despite my
want to believe him, I was unable to do so.
They had not only arrived home late on New Year's Eve,
but they had also completely disregarded my sentiments, my plans,

(04:19):
and my time. I informed him that I couldn't. I
clarified that, particularly after being humiliated the last time, I
wasn't prepared to be in that situation once again. He
did not protest, which surprised me. He didn't exert pressure.
He simply hung up. For a brief period, I felt
relieved since I had defended myself and believed that was

(04:39):
the end of it. However, my phone called once more
later that evening. It was my mom. This time, I
realized right away that she wasn't phoning to catch up
when she called from overseas, where she had been residing
for a few months. She immediately jumped in and expressed
her disappointment at my refusal to assist my brother. She
made statements that really resonated with me, such as, you

(04:59):
know so how hard it is for them to juggle
work in kids. If I were there, I'd be happy
to take the kids off their hands. She seemed to
be attempting to guilt me into agreeing, and my feelings
of conflict increased as she spoke. On the one hand,
I was aware that I had every right to refuse.
I didn't have to intervene each time my brother and
his spouse required assistance. On the other side, the idea

(05:21):
that my niece and nephew were entangled, and it was devastating.
I eventually gave in to my mother's persistent demands, which
included statements like, it's just for one night, and you're
their family. You have to be there for them, just
for this one time. I promised her I would, with
a tone of relief, almost triumph. She thanked me, and
I hung up the phone with a mix of resignation
and sadness. After work the following day, I arrived at

(05:44):
my brother's place. My brother and his wife were on
the verge of leaving, and the kids were already home,
bouncing around the living room. They hurried left the door
after saying only a brief thank you, as if they
were simply pleased that I had finally decided to help
and didn't want to give me an opportunity to back out.
I couldn't help, but note how rush they were with
the kids. I became accustomed to the evening routine, food,

(06:06):
play time, and bedtime. Everything seemed recognizable, almost reassuring in
its consistency as usual. The children were sweet and oblivious
to the conflict between their parents and myself. I briefly
questioned whether I had overreacted. Perhaps they truly had nowhere
else to turn, and I was providing assistance during a
time of true need. However, the resentment persisted throughout the night.

(06:28):
I enjoyed spending time with the kids, but that wasn't
the main focus. It was about how, after everything that
had transpired, my brother and his wife had placed me
in this predicament once more. I couldn't stop thinking about
how my brother laughed when I told him how angry
I was on New Year's Eve, and how he discounted
my sentiments. This was not a single error. Rather, it
was a pattern of total disregard for me as a

(06:50):
human being with a life and obligations of my own.
My brother texted me at around nine p m. To
let me know they would be arriving home a little
later than expected. I didn't respond. I remained silent. I
simply hung up the phone and concentrated on getting the
kids to sleep. Around nine thirty, they eventually slept off,
and I was left waiting for the door to open
while sitting on the couch and watching the clock. They

(07:12):
arrived home at midnight, which is somewhat later than I
had committed too, but not as late as New Year's Eve.
My brother said another halting thank you as they walked in,
and I walked out without a word. I didn't think
I could talk at that point without it becoming a
heated debate. I was still apprehensive about the night before.
When I got up the following morning, all of the
resentment I had been attempting to control was rekindled when

(07:34):
my brother and his wife arrived home late. Once more,
in addition to feeling used, I also felt torn. Perhaps
they arrived at work quite late. Perhaps they weren't taking
advantage of me again. A part of me wanted to
doubt them, but I kept thinking about it. I made
some coffee and browsed through my phone before checking social media,
which is a popular way to divert my attention from
unresolved grievances. I found a tale that one of my

(07:56):
brother's friends had posted as I was scrolling. It was
an image of a welcoming cafe where people congregate to
unwind and enjoy themselves. I didn't give it much thought
at first, but then I saw that my brother and
his wife were in the pictures backdrop. They appeared completely
comfortable as they sat at a table, chatting and sipping drinks.
I briefly believed it to be an old photograph shot
weeks or months ago. Then I noticed the timestamp though.

(08:20):
When I was at their house the previous evening, watching
their children and wondering why they were getting home so late,
I came across the post. They weren't at their jobs.
They didn't experience an unforeseen crisis. I once again sacrificed
my evening by sitting at their house while they were
out having fun, because I trusted their justifications anger and
incredulity were brewing inside of me as I gazed at

(08:41):
my phone. What were they able to do? They deceived
me once more, after all that transpired on New Year's Eve,
despite all of the assurances and regrets. Even worse, they
tricked me into believing that they needed my assistance because
of an emergency, and I was duped once more. For
some minutes, I was at a loss for what to do.
A part of me wanted to dismiss it, act as

(09:02):
though I hadn't noticed anything and move on. However, my
anger increased as I gave it more thought. This was
a purposeful act of dishonesty, not only a small white lie.
They purposefully chose to employ me since they knew I
wouldn't consent to babysit in any other way, As if
to make fun of me for thinking they would change,
they took advantage of me once more. I was unable

(09:22):
to stop. I texted my brother after opening my messaging
app to let him know that I had seen the
photos and that I was aware of his deceit. Despite
my diminutive stature, I didn't hold back. I wanted him
to understand that I wasn't gullible and that I wasn't
going to ignore it. I waited for an answer while
staring at my phone, feeling both anxious and excited. It
was like adding salt to an open sore. When he

(09:44):
eventually responded, he acknowledged it. He claimed they lied since
they were aware that I wouldn't have consented to babysit
in any other situation. The evidence that my own brother
and his wife had no trouble lying to me in
order to obtain what they desired was there in black
and white. He made no atten to explain it or
claim that it was a misunderstanding. Simply said it was
a premeditated move. Stunned, I sat there. There was nothing

(10:08):
to say, and I wasn't even sure how to respond.
I was stunned by the blatant insolence. It wasn't due
to a breakdown in communication or a conflict in priorities.
It was deceit and a total lack of concern for
me personally. They viewed me as a convenience, someone they
could utilize whenever it was convenient for them, rather than
as a member of their family. In an attempt to

(10:28):
comprehend what had just transpired, I set my phone aside
and gazed out the window. Of course I was angry,
but I felt anguish more than anger. That I could
be treated this way by my own brother was painful.
It was painful that, after repeatedly giving them the benefit
of the doubt, I was shown to be mistaken. They
took advantage of my trust and betrayed it. The remainder
of the day was a blur. I was unable to

(10:51):
concentrate on anything else. I repeatedly relived the incident in
my mind, recalling all the instances in which I had
sacrificed everything for them, putting their demands aghadad of my own,
only to be met with deceit and manipulation. The pattern
was more important than the cafe shot alone. Utter disregard
for me, as an individual with a life and priorities
of my own. I made a choice. At the end

(11:12):
of the day, I had had enough of babysitting and
going above and above for individuals who obviously didn't appreciate me.
There was no use in me confronting my brother anymore.
He had stated unequivocally that he saw nothing wrong with
his behavior. But this time I was determined to set
a real barrier. Put an end to babysitting. No more
hurried phone calls, no more feeling guilty about giving up

(11:34):
my time and effort for folks who couldn't even be
honest with me. I experienced an odd sensation of relief
as I sat there thinking about everything. Yes, it hurt,
but it was liberating as well. I was at last
prioritizing myself, and for the first time in a very
long time, I felt that I was acting in the
best interests of myself, not my mother or brother. Second update,

(11:55):
after a few days, I was trying my best to
move on from my brother's treachery, even though I was
still hurting. I had no intention of talking to him anymore,
no matter how much guilt, manipulation, or slick talk I received.
I had already decided that I would never again babysit.
It wasn't worth while. I had tried to be the helpful,
trustworthy sister for far too long, only to be taken

(12:17):
advantage of and lied to. I assumed that if the
matter didn't resolve itself, it was their fault, not mine.
My phone then rang it was my mother. At first,
I didn't give it much thought, thinking it would be
a friendly conversation or perhaps another attempt by her to
coerce me into assisting my brother. But I knew something
wasn't right. As soon as I responded, she seemed annoyed,

(12:37):
almost accusing, and I instantly prepared myself for whatever was
about to happen. She got right into it, claiming that
after talking to my brother, he informed her that I
hadn't watched the kids that evening. I initially believed I
had misheard her. She couldn't be saying what I believed
her to be saying. Surely. She continued, however, reciting what
he had told her, namely that they had hired a

(12:58):
nanny since I had declined to assist. My brother reportedly
informed her that they intended to keep employing nanny, since,
in his view, I wasn't good with kids. I was
taken entirely by surprise and startled. I had no idea
how to interpret what I was hearing. In addition to
deceiving me and tricking me into watching the kids that evening,
my brother was now lying to our mother about what

(13:18):
had transpired. To make things worse, he was making fun
of me by suggesting that I couldn't possibly take care
of my niece and nephew. He seemed to be trying
to twist the story to make himself appear like the victim,
and was stepping up his disdain, which felt like a
slap in the face. Naturally, my mother seemed to believe him.
She began to ask, why didn't you just lend a hand.

(13:39):
She had obviously accepted his account of events without questioning anything,
saying things like it's not that hard to watch kids
for one evening. To be honest, that was nearly as
painful as the falsehoods themselves. I had spent years demonstrating
my dependability, my concern for my family, and my willingness
to lend a hand whenever necessary. However, she was prepared
to disregard all of it because my brother had made

(14:01):
up a preposterous tale to hide his identity. I sat
there trying to figure out why he would tell such
a falsehood. Was it shame, guilt, or just another instance
of his avoiding responsibility for his actions. Perhaps he didn't
want to tell our mother that he and his spouse
had lied to me about having to work late, or
that they had gone out to a cafe while I
was at home with the kids. Perhaps it was simpler

(14:21):
for him to blame me, to make it appear that
I was the one who had failed them, than to
acknowledge that he had been dishonest. I couldn't believe he
would go to such lengths, though, whatever of his motivations,
it was now more about the idea behind it than
it was about myself. He was trying to harm my
reputation in our family by lying to our mother. For
what purpose, to keep one's face intact to escape accountability

(14:44):
for his deeds. I didn't see how he could defend
it to himself, and it felt harsh and petty. I
came to the conclusion that there was no use in
attempting to tell my mother the truth. While she continued
to speak, her decision was already made. He had likely
been extremely convincing in his account of events, and I
knew my brother. I didn't have the energy to dispute
because it would just become a he said, she said situation.

(15:06):
In addition, I had the feeling that it wasn't worth
anything at all. Perhaps it said more about my mother
than it did about me, if she was so willing
to believe him without hearing my side of the story.
I hardly responded, letting her speak, I hung up and
sat there looking at my phone. When the discussion finally finished,
I was exhausted, dejected, and most of all, extremely wounded.

(15:27):
It was more than simply the lies. It was about
my own brother using me as a scapegoat to hide
his inappropriate behavior, and my mother mindlessly supporting it. I
repeatedly re enacted the scenario in my mind over the
course of the following few days. I reflected on the
numerous occasions I had gone above and beyond to support
my brother, the sacrifices I had made for him and
his family, and the apparent lack of appreciation on his part.

(15:50):
I reflected on how my mother had assumed the worst
about me without even attempting to get my side of
the story, and how she had been so quick to
support him, And the more I gave it more thought,
the more I saw that went beyond what had just transpired.
My brother was always the golden child who could do
no wrong, and I was supposed to take the fall
for it. It was about a pattern, a dynamic that
had existed for years. I briefly contemplated going up to

(16:13):
my brother confronting him, exposing his deception and requesting an explanation. However,
that idea appeared less tempting the more I considered it.
What would it achieve. He had previously demonstrated his unwillingness
to accept accountability for his deeds. To confront him would
just result in more manipulation, more falsehoods, and more excuses

(16:33):
to be honest. I didn't require such negativity in my life.
I made the decision to stand back. Instead. I began
concentrating on myself, stop talking to my mother about the problem,
and stopped returning my brother's calls. It wasn't simple. A
part of me was concerned about how my connection with
my niece and nephew could be impacted by the friction
in my family, which I detested. However, I also realized

(16:56):
that I couldn't continue to put myself in precarious circumstances
where I was true, disrespectfully and taken advantage of. Ultimately,
I understood that establishing boundaries was about protecting myself, not
about punishing others. It was about not allowing the behavior
of others to determine my value as a person. And
although it was painful to take a step back. It
was also freeing to prioritize myself. At last third update,

(17:19):
I avoided my mother and brother in the weeks and
months that followed. Although it was a difficult choice, it
was essential. I came to the realization that I needed
time to recover and take care of myself after everything
that had transpired. I made the decision to leave it
all because the ongoing drama, deception, and disrespect had worn
me down. Restoring my feeling of self worth and establishing

(17:41):
a life where I felt appreciated and respected were more
important than merely establishing boundaries. I devoted all of my
time to my career and interest. Throughout this period, I
spent more time with friends who never made me feel
like I was asking too much simply for being there,
and who always gave me unwavering support. In addition to
trying new things I had been putting off for years,
like joining a local book club and taking up yoga,

(18:02):
I began to accept social invitations more frequently. I was
able to find who I was outside of the family
dynamics that had taken up so much of my energy.
Thanks to these seminars, I first met my boyfriend on
one of these outings with pals, I never would have
imagined how he would alter my life. We first met
at a small get together at the home of a
mutual acquaintance. I wasn't really excited to go at first,

(18:23):
since I was still dealing with the emotional fallout from
everything that had happened to my family. However, my pals
were correct when they said it would benefit me. I
met him through a friend of a friend during a
card game. We wound up sitting next to each other,
and what began as lighthearted teasing over who would win
evolved into a meaningful, interesting discussion. He was kind, focused

(18:43):
and sincerely interested in what I was saying. I felt
hurt and seen for the first time in a long time.
We discussed everything from job to favorite movies to hobbies,
and at the end of the night, I couldn't recall
ever laughing so hard. We began seeing each other on
a regular basis after that eveningial It was informal coffee dates,
park walks, and late night phone conversations that continued into

(19:05):
the morning. However, as the weeks passed, it became evident
that this was something unique in ways I didn't realize
I needed He was patient, kind and encouraging. He reminded
me that it's acceptable to put my own needs first,
respected my limits, and pushed me to advocate for myself.
It was refreshing to spend time with him. He didn't
have the manipulation or emotional baggage I was so accustomed

(19:27):
to form my family. Rather, he helped me realize that
not all relationships need to be stressful or conflictual by
bringing stability and optimism into my life. Additionally, he assisted
me in managing my feelings toward my family by advising
me to handle the matter diplomatically, while also reminding me
that it was acceptable to leave if it was negatively
impacting my mental well being. Thank you for watching. If

(19:49):
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