Child Centered Divorce

💞 Child Centered Divorce — Join Guest Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Divorce Coach, together with Host Tina Huggins, CDC Divorce Coach, on Awakening as they discuss how to navigate divorce with compassion, communication, and focus on the well-being of your children. Discover empowering strategies for co-parenting and creating a peaceful post-divorce family dynamic. Streamed on NEWStreamingNetwork.com.

More About Tina: Tina Huggins, CTA Life Coach certified, CDC Divorce Coach, CDC Transitions Coach, CDC Recovery Coach, TKG Restorative Family Mediator Certified, TKG Family Circle Certified. I have coached for over 30 years coming from the background of law enforcement and self-defense instructor. 

Connect with Tina:
Email: [e-mail] 
Website: https://divorcecoachspecialist.com/ 

More about Rosalind: Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides advice, programs, coaching and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About The Divorce? an internationally acclaimed ebook designed to help parents get through the tough divorce talk with the best possible outcome for themselves and their children. Rosalind has created several ebooks and e-courses on co-parenting success strategies including an 8-hr Anger Management For Co-Parents Course. She also hosts the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast. 

Learn more about Rosalind’s services at www.childcentereddivorce.com - Email [e-mail]

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to WGSNDB Go and Solo Network Singles talk
radio channel, where we take a lighthearted and candidate approach
to discussions on the journey of relationship, laws, divorce, parenting,
being single, relationships, building, dating, and yes sex. Join our
listeners and begin living your best life.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
So hello and welcome to our show, The Awakening here
on WGSNDB, the Going Bold and Going Solo Network. The
information and opinions expressed on this show are just that,
the opinions of the individual speaking based on their individual
personal experiences. They are not intended to diagnose and do

(00:47):
not constitute professional advice or recommendations. So you know that pain,
the stress, and the struggle that divorcing men and women
go through, while there is a way to find peace,
keep your sanity and help your attorney, saving you thousands
of dollars through the process. Hello, my name is Tina Huggins.

(01:08):
I'm your divorce coach, specialist, divorce planning specialist, restorative family mediator,
and conflictual co parenting coach. Today, my guest speaker is
Roslin sedaka. Roslin is also a CDC certified divorce coach,
just as I am only Roslin focuses on co parenting.

(01:29):
Roslin is the founder of the Child Centered Divorce Network.
Roslin is located in West Palm Beach, Florida, but works
with parents all over the world. She helps the parents
deal with issues and frustrations that cause the conflict in
a family. She helps keep that conflict out of the

(01:52):
family and away from the children. Welcome and thank you
so much for being here, Roslin.

Speaker 3 (01:57):
Oh, it's a pleasure to be here with you.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yeah, as our viewers might hear, my voice is kind
of like half disappeared today. So I'm real raspy. I
spent a very long weekend and very high energy screaming
and everything. So I apologize for my voice right off
the bat. So, Roslin, just before we came on, I

(02:22):
told you that I wanted to kind of talk about
your Child's Centered Divorce Network. I want for you to
kind of explain to me what that is and how
you use that or how it helps people.

Speaker 4 (02:34):
Well, thank you. So, the Child Centered Divorce Network specializes
in divorces with children. Obviously, if you're not a parent
and you get a divorce, no matter how terrible the
divorce experience is, it ends relatively short period of time
and you move on in your life. You never have
to see that other person again if you don't want to.

(02:55):
But when you're a parent, it's totally different. And in
most cases, you're co parenting on some level for the
rest of your life, and you want to make sure
that that situation is not only bearable for you, but
something that isn't negatively affecting your children, especially since it's
the rest of their lives. And so that's why I

(03:18):
created the Child Centered Divorce Network. And I'll give you
a short story to explain how that happened, because it
was not my career at all. I had a divorce
when my son was eleven years old, and this goes
back into the nineties. There wasn't the kind of support
and information available at that time that there is now,
and so my ex and I had to figure out

(03:40):
the co parenting after the divorce, and we really worked
hard because one thing I could say is that despite
the differences we had, he was a good father, and
I knew he loved his son as much as I
love our son, and so we worked it out, and
one day, when my son was a grown young adult

(04:00):
in his twenties, he came to me one day, literally
out of the blue, and he said, you know, Ma,
you and Daddy really did a good job with the divorce,
and I want to thank you because most of my
friends whose parents divorced either hate their parents or are
very angry at them. And I think, you, too, really
did a great job. And I let add such a

(04:21):
sigh of relief, because you know, you hold on to
a lot of guilt and insecurity about did I miss
my child up through this divorce experience. And so it
was a wonderful experience to have that recognition from him,
that affirmation from him, And it also made me realize
that I learned so much during the course of raising

(04:42):
him post divorce, what to do and what not to do,
and how to deal with conflict and all the things
that most people are challenged by. So I decided to
create the Child Centered Divorce Network, became a stertified divorce
and co parenting coach, and because my original background was
in writing, I ended up writing several books, ebooks, and

(05:05):
courses and programs to help parents, even if they couldn't
afford one on one coaching, to get the support systems
that they need in the strategies they need to do
divorce right, and that's what a child center divorce network
is all about, helping parents avoid the mistakes and do
it in a way where your children will thank you

(05:28):
when they've grown adults for the way you handled your divorce.
What better can you ask for?

Speaker 2 (05:35):
Yes, definitely, And I would love it if my clients
could actually co parent like you did. Most of my
clients are coming in from an abused situation, and so
they're soon to be X or X because a lot
of them come in after the divorce need help because
they're going back to court and back to court, and

(05:56):
so that would be my hope for everybody to be
able to co parent like you did. So in the
case with with the clients that I end up working,
we're actually I'm helping them learn to parallel parent. So
do you deal with much parallel parenting?

Speaker 4 (06:15):
Well, I certainly have, and I apply as much of
what I teach everyone to those cases too, because we
have to remember, and this is such a pivotal point,
the only person we could change in life is ourselves,
and so much of our life we spend trying to change, fix,

(06:36):
and improve other people, and many many of us especially
women during their marriage, spent a lot of time knocking
themselves out trying to change the husbands until finally the
divorce was inevitable. Some people obviously are never going to change,
but if they are, it has to come from within,

(06:58):
and we have to be a aware of that. So
it means even in situations like your clients have, that
you have to say, what can I do differently and
break the patterns. If we continue doing the same thing
we've been doing, we're going to get the same results, inevitably,
the same frustration, the same anxiety, the same hurt and pain,

(07:20):
And so we have to shift our energy and behave
differently and use different strategies. And that doesn't change the
other person, but it gives you a space to find
new ways to behave or not behave, New ways to
interact or not interact, new ways to address the challenge

(07:41):
in the situation from a fresh perspective, because banking our
heads against the wall with the same behavior is so
futile and so hurtful for everyone.

Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yes, and I think it's it's so hurtful for the children.

Speaker 3 (07:57):
You know.

Speaker 2 (07:58):
I want to go back into the marriage for just
a second. This is something that you know, a lot
of my clients will say, you know, I don't think
I'm ready to get divorced because you know, the kids
are still young and YadA, YadA, YadA, and a lot
of my clients are dealing with abuse psychological if nothing else,
and I kind of remind them, you know, this is

(08:21):
what your son or daughter is experiencing. And so daughters,
if their mother is the abuser type person in that relationship,
they will learn that that's how they need to treat people.
And then the boys in that relationship are going to
learn to accept that that's the way of life, or

(08:43):
vice versa. You know, if the father gets physical with
the mother, then what do you think those boys are learning?
And what do you think your daughter's learning about? She's
got to take that to be the woman or the wife.

Speaker 4 (08:59):
Yes, one of one of the essential points that every
client needs to understand is that as parents, we are
role models. Our children are watching and learning from us.
So when a parent says, oh, I'll bear it for
another five or ten years just for the sake of
the kids, they are not really doing the kids any favor.
Because children raised in a toxic environment, no matter what

(09:22):
form of toxicity it is, are not learning what a
healthy loving relationship is, how can we expect them to
go out and have healthy relationships in their adult life.
So it's very important for parents to be mindful of
what we're showing and demonstrating to our children and let

(09:42):
that be a factor in making a decision about whether
I should be staying in this marriage or whether divorce
is not only sane for me, but especially same for
my children.

Speaker 2 (09:53):
Right. And I know, I look back over my marriage
and I dealt with psychologe logical stuff. But the best
part of that is that we were able to parent
even why we were together. We parented. In fact, we
did better when we were together, and I waited too
long to get out of the relationship. But my kids didn't. Well,

(10:15):
my youngest didn't experience much of the negative. Now, my
oldest he told me at the time I left, He says, Mom,
you should have got out a long time ago. He
could see things differently than hear his younger brother. But
here we are, all these years later, because I got
divorced twenty two years ago, all these years later, they
tell me, you know, because I'll remark about their respect level,

(10:38):
and they said, you know, you and dad did such
a great job with us. You taught us respect and
that I stayed in there until my oldest was out
of the house and my youngest was already sixteen. But
because we parented together, which is what the co parenting
afterwards can look like, you can do that together and

(11:01):
have this just like you. Your son says, you know,
you did such a great job with a divorce.

Speaker 4 (11:07):
Yeah, we don't want to scar them because those scars
last a lifetime.

Speaker 3 (11:13):
And it doesn't have to be that way.

Speaker 4 (11:15):
If someone gets into the hands of someone like you
who has all of that experience and insight, or works
with someone like me, a few strategies, a few changes
in what you're doing or not doing, can make all
the difference in avoiding so much of the pain and
struggle that we see too often.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
Mm hmmm.

Speaker 3 (11:38):
And those.

Speaker 2 (11:41):
We you know here we are now we're dealing with
a mom and dad that are getting divorced. And if
we look back into their lives, what did they experience
in their household? Was there a divorce, was it a positive,
was it a negative? Or did there aren't stayed together
and now they're struggling because they don't know how to

(12:05):
be the father or the mother, or the husband or
the wife exactly.

Speaker 4 (12:09):
This is definitely continuous generationally, and that's so sad. Toxic
relationships from generation to generation to generation. Children don't even
have a chance when when that's the reality they're in
unless someone gets the awareness. And that's what it's all about,
is getting awareness that something has to change. It could

(12:30):
change with me, and I could. I could be the
catalyst for making changes in how our family is going
to deal with things, deal with tension, deal with stress,
deal with conflict that is inevitable in any family dynamic,
and do it differently and get the support so you
don't feel that you're all alone because it's hard to

(12:52):
reinvent the wheel all by yourself.

Speaker 2 (12:56):
Yes, so let's take a look at the parents staying
together and that conflict that's inside that marriage. Now, I
know you were intelligent enough to leave your relationship. I
really stayed a little bit too long. But there are
some people that stay way too long and the kids

(13:19):
are damaged. And you know, I look back over lots
of my clients and friends and people in my life,
and I can see so many that that damaged the
kids because they stayed in that so can you kind
of highlight what you've learned and seen.

Speaker 4 (13:35):
Yeah, well, I just want to let you know that
I spent about five years postponing that divorce. I too
was afraid I didn't want to scar my child, and so.

Speaker 3 (13:45):
I stayed and stayed and stayed, and things just of
course get worse, and I ended.

Speaker 4 (13:50):
Up doing a lot of therapy, going to workshops and
retreats and all kinds of self help things until I
got the courage. It took years to get the courage
to finally know that I was making the right decision
in getting out, And I'm glad I did at the
time I did, but I could have done it years earlier.
So what you're talking about is so common. We wait,

(14:14):
we put it off. It's partially fear, and a lot
of it is insecurity that I'm making a mistake. But
the children are paying the price when we stay too long.
So we have to remember that children need two things
when they're growing up. They need to be able to
love both parents, and they need to be able to

(14:37):
be loved by both parents.

Speaker 3 (14:39):
So when the divorce comes.

Speaker 4 (14:40):
Along, it's very common that one parent is going to
feel justified, one or both parents feel justified.

Speaker 3 (14:48):
In saying that I know better, I'm a better.

Speaker 4 (14:51):
Parent, I'm going to keep my child from the influence
of my ex And yes, there are toxic cases when
we really do have to keep that other parent away
from the children, but not in the majority of cases.
In most cases that's not the case, and it's just
personality differences and mistakes that both parents may during the marriage.

(15:13):
But the children should not be denied the ability to
say I love both of my parents and want to
be with both of my parents. I want to call
up mom or dad when they're with the other parent
and spend some time on the phone with them. And
the worst thing we could experience is what's called parental alienation,
when one parent feels justified in alienating the children from

(15:36):
that other parent so that the other parent can show
their love and affection for the children. Children are scarred
by that, and a lot of parents don't understand that
for years and years and decades go by when the
children are alienated from both parents, so it can get
very severe unless someone steps in to remind these parents.

(15:58):
You have to look at these experiences from your child's perspective,
put yourself in their shoes, whether there's there's six or sixteen,
and see what's going on with them and how they're experiencing,
what their perspective is, what they're making themselves feel and
believe about it, and then work to help them understand

(16:21):
that none of this is their fault and that there
are other ways and other choices we have, and how
we can still be a family, but family in a
different form, a post divorce form where there's less tension
and less conflict, and yet everyone still gets their boundaries
respected and there's more peace of mind and security.

Speaker 2 (16:46):
Yes, And I can tell you know, I lived in
a family that they should have gotten divorced years and
years ago. When they finally get divorced. You know, now
I'm an adult, I was like my old I was
headed out the door literally to college, to school, and
they got divorced. And what happened during the marriage, you know,

(17:11):
my mom, they should have never gotten married and there
was no real abuse, but my mom decided that somewhere
along the way, and it was before I knew any different,
to drink. And that's how she coped with not feeling
loved by my dad. But my dad didn't fall loved
by my mom because he was a goer and a

(17:34):
doer and loved to have fun, and he didn't take
my mom with him because she didn't want to go.
She had her own excuses, the kids of this or that,
and so they just were not meant for each other.
But what happened after that divorce. Luckily I was gone,
but my poor little sister and my brother who was
sixteen at the time, but my little sister had it

(17:56):
was a torture of watching what my dad did to
my mind or my dad's girlfriend did to my mom
during that divorcing timeframe. And those are the things that
you're helping parents prevent or stop if it's going on.
So kind of tell us a little bit about how.

Speaker 3 (18:16):
You do that well.

Speaker 4 (18:18):
Again, having the parents really look at their children and
put themselves in their children's shoes, so they get emotionally
and viscerally what's going on for those kids, because no
one knows your kids better than you. But sometimes we're
so preoccupied with our own drama and our own trauma
that we overlook the symptoms and the signs that our
kids are not happy, that there's stress, that they can't

(18:40):
handle things well. So we have to be very mindful
of what they're saying, what they're doing, and look and
watch if their behavior is changing, because you could catch
behavior changes early on, not after five years of misbehaving
and bullying and acting out and being aggressive in school

(19:01):
and just not being mindful about it. Then it's too late,
and then you have to go into much more dire situations.
So we want to remind our children that none of
this is their fault and that life can be better
for them if we just move on and stop the
shaming and the blaming within the family dynamic, and rather

(19:24):
than pointing fingers to one another, let's see if we
can get along and create some agreements. There are ways
of creating agreements because we.

Speaker 3 (19:32):
Need each other.

Speaker 4 (19:33):
Even if in a post divorce family, even if you're
not co parenting closely together, there are still times when
you need each other and having the support of one
another makes a big difference in moving ahead, because no
one's going to love and care about your children as
much as their other parent in most cases.

Speaker 3 (19:53):
And if you have.

Speaker 4 (19:54):
A situation like that, then you want to start depending
on each other and helping each.

Speaker 3 (20:00):
Other rather than being adversaries.

Speaker 4 (20:02):
I know a lot of your clients it's not going
to work for them, and they have to do parallel parenting,
whether or not interacting as much in the relationship.

Speaker 3 (20:11):
But you have to be.

Speaker 4 (20:13):
Sharing with your children what you're doing and how you're
doing it, and at the same time be very mindful
of the fact that you don't want your children parenting you.
I see a lot of people, especially women, who are
very hurt during a toxic divorce, and they're weeping, and
the kids can see how they're feeling, and a precocious,

(20:35):
little young young daughter at ten or twelve or fifteen
years old is coming over and saying, I'll take care
of you, Mom, it's okay, And a son is going
to step up and I'll be the big man in
the family and I'll take care of you mom. Well,
it's not mom's place to have children taking care of her.
She needs help, she needs support. Reach out for that help,

(20:58):
but not from your children. Because your children start parenting you,
they've lost their childhood innocence. They are no longer children.
They are little adults trying to cope in a world
that they know nothing about. They can't possibly understand the
complexity of your relationship dynamic that created that divorce, and

(21:18):
yet they're stepping up and trying to fix it, trying
to heal it, trying to help you. So we as
parents have to be mature enough to notice these things
early on and say I'm okay and I'm getting help
from friends or going to see a coach. I don't
need you to be taken care of me. It's okay.

(21:40):
Remind the children that their places enjoy their childhood despite divorce.
They deserve to have a childhood. They deserve to play
and do things with their friends and have a life
and not be the child who becomes the little adult
because their parents divorced. Those are the consequences that don't
have to have that we see too often and from

(22:02):
parents who are oblivious of what's happening. They just are
not aware of that and the confusion that their behavior
takes when they're not being mindful and not being aware.

Speaker 3 (22:14):
Does that make.

Speaker 2 (22:15):
Sense, Yes, yes, definitely. You know, it reminds reminds me
of what took place back in my divorce time, and
I just so wish that I could go back to
that time because I did everything wrong. You know, back then,
there was no coaches that could help. There was nobody
trained like we are and I can tell you for

(22:35):
those people of you watching, the training that Roslin and
I have gone through through the CDC is in depth
and very very deep work. I mean it took us.
It like took time out of our weeks. Every week.
We had to spend hours and hours studying and reading
for this. It wasn't just something that you just kind

(22:57):
of just off the cuff do. We had to understand
dann divorce and then to get co parenting certified, we
had to understand what co parenting was. So it's an
in depth training that we go through. But if I
go back to my divorce, I did everything wrong. But
the most important thing that I didn't do right that

(23:17):
I wish I could change this is the one major
thing is is that I could only feel my own pain.
I hurt so bad. I did not think enough about
my children, and I almost took my life. I had
tucked at it and God said no, And it had
that happen, I would have taken my children's mother away. Yes,

(23:40):
I mean I would have murdered their mother.

Speaker 4 (23:43):
It's wonderful that your clients are getting someone like you
who've had that experience and candid enough to share that
experience with people and them because it makes such a
difference your understanding now of what a difference that could
have made for your children if that wasn't the case.
So many parents, that is the worst thing that we see,

(24:05):
is that they're so engulfed in their own pain that
they just the kids fall through the cracks. Not intentionally,
but inadvertently. The kids fall through the cracks because they're
not aware of how much it hurts the children, and
children innately will blame themselves when things are going wrong
in the family. It's never the child's fault. Even if

(24:28):
you're fighting about the children, it's never their fault. It's
the adults in the relationship who created this dynamic, the
reason you're getting a divorced. But children will blame themselves,
and they'll make it their responsibility to try to fix it.
They're fixing something that's unfixable for a child. It's impossible
for a child to do anything about it. They don't

(24:51):
understand that, so they're set up for unnecessary hurt and
grief and failure because they're not going to put the
parents together again, which a lot of children hang on
to the hope that they can fix it, so that
the parents will get back, and the parents are not
going to love each other the way they loved each
other at one point anymore. And life is going to

(25:13):
be different post divorce than it is when it was
years ago. And it's a tough thing to understand. But
if we have the mindset to understand that change is
part of life, and this is a change in the
form of the family, it doesn't mean we're not a
family anymore, because your two parents are going to be

(25:35):
your two parents. Long after the divorce. There's still parents.
There's still a relationship that can be healthy and fulfilling
for everyone in the family with understanding that there's something
positive to look forward to post divorce. And many children
will say I wish you did it earlier. Thank you

(25:55):
for finally getting the divorce because life was insane and
be much happier after the divorce. It's just a matter
of doing it in a way that the children aren't
paying the price.

Speaker 2 (26:07):
Yes, yes, And that brings me to the point of communication.
You know, one, we should never talk about the other
parent negatively in front of the child. I mean, I
think most of us know that. Some of us don't
pay attention to that, but you need to communicate, and
so I have parents ask me often, you know, when

(26:29):
do we tell the kids? How do we tell the kids?
What do I do when the kids ask this? And
I always tell tell my clients, I'm like, you've got
to communicate this to the kids. And if they're young,
of course you're going to talk in age appropriate manner
explain things. And there's some wonderful books out there. I mean,

(26:52):
if you're a parent who reads to your kids, those
are the perfect books to buy during this difficult time
because when you're reading to them, that time with them
and the book is written by somebody else, so they
get to hear the stories, you know. So that's one
of the things. I've got clients now that have got
adult children and they're preparing to leave the home, and

(27:14):
they don't know what to say to their adult children.
They weren't going to say anything. I'm like, WHOA, you can't.
Just because they're adults and they're on their own does
not mean that this will not affect them. So how
often do you deal with divorcing parents that have adult children.

Speaker 4 (27:31):
It's not the highest percentage, but I certainly do, and
so much of it is still the same information even
though the age dynamic is different because everyone inside is
feeling insecure and unsure and uncomfortable, and everyone has boundaries
and everyone gets triggered by everyone else's behavior. So the

(27:53):
deepest components are all still there, and you're right. The
communication has to be on candid looking in your child's
eyes and saying, you know, I made some mistakes and
I wish I could have done it differently, and I
apologize for That is one thing that every parent could
do for anything, where you realize now when you have

(28:16):
an insight now that you maybe made a mistake in
saying what you said or doing what you did, and
it gives children permission to realize that they can apologize too.
When they see a parent do it, they know that
there's nothing unhealthy about saying I'm sorry. I wish I
knew better when I made that decision. But things are

(28:38):
going to change now. So take responsibility, own up to
what you can as a parent and allow your kids
to be To allow yourself to apologize to your kids
and allow them to hear that and learn that they
can apologize for behavior too.

Speaker 3 (28:56):
That's one gift.

Speaker 4 (28:57):
You can give them that will last them a lot lifetime.
And being as candid as you can, but with children
who are under the twenties, you don't want to be
sharing adult information with them, as tempting as it may be.
I had a client where the wife hadn't had an

(29:17):
affair and dad he just wanted the kids to know
this divorce was not his fault. She did it and
it's her fault. And they had kids who were like
eight and ten or twelve years old. And I had
to spend a lot of time with this dad because
I understood his feelings. He didn't want the kids to
think that he had any part in making this decision.

(29:40):
And yet at the same time, telling your kids, this is.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
What your mother did.

Speaker 4 (29:44):
It's not something that they're going to understand, even if
they were older teens.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
Is this what you want to put on your children?
And slowly he.

Speaker 4 (29:54):
Came to realize that that's not what he wants his
kids to be interact and with his mother or their
mother about. It's something that when they're grown adults, you
may want to share with them at some point, but
it isn't appropriate for kids to know adult information of
any kind because it can't change anything, but it'll immediately

(30:19):
invade their childhood experience and they can't forget it and
unlearn it, and then they're no longer children. They're little
adults with adult information in their heads that that should
be there.

Speaker 3 (30:31):
So this dad, to his.

Speaker 4 (30:33):
Credit, got that and got that point. He understood that
that he was not going to tell his kids about that,
and they were able to have a child centered divorce.
I have keys of information that you do want to
share with your kids, because what the children need to
understand when a divorce is happening, it has to do
with their safety and security, that it's not the end

(30:55):
of the world, that things are going to be better.
And those are the kind of messages and the more
both parents are together in alignment with the same message,
the easier it is for children of any age to
grasp it and understand it. It's when you're in conflict
about it, when you're pointing the finger, when you're calling

(31:16):
each other names, when you're blaming each other for the divorce,
that's when the kids are forced to take sides. Even
if it's not physically, it mentally and emotionally, they're taking sides.
We don't want to do that to our kids, because
kids innately love both parents so you don't want to
be communicating about sides who's a better parent. You want

(31:38):
to be communicating about the fact that we both made
this decision, and we're both here for you, and we're
both going to still be your parents, and we're going
to get through this together as a family, all of
us together, and you'll see things are going to be better,
because that's the way we're planning it. When kids hear
something a message like that from both parents, they can

(32:02):
accept a lot of shifts and changes and differences in
the family dynamic. If the message is coming from both parents,
it makes all the difference.

Speaker 3 (32:11):
In the world.

Speaker 4 (32:12):
So when you have parents who can't do that, and
I know you're dealing with much higher conflict parents, those
kids are paying a much higher price because they're not
getting at least that the piece of that one little
smidgeon of information where both parents can deliver it together
and give them some peace of mind, because it makes
a huge difference.

Speaker 2 (32:34):
Yeah, And so the one thing that I would want
our viewers to understand the clients that I deal with
that are coming in from such a high conflict and
there's abuse, usually hopefully it's not with the children. And
if there is, then we need to figure out a
way to get the children away from that parent. That's
when it's unsafe. But the reality is is that these

(32:56):
parents the child that needs both of them. And if
you are the abused parent in that psychologically, financially, whatever
that might look like, and the other parent has been
a good parent and can continue to be a good
parent without abuse to the children, then you need to

(33:20):
just find a way to communicate with your children. And
so taking this course and information away that Eroslin has
to offer, even if it's just you that's doing this,
that is going to be a lot of help for
you to help the children because just one of you

(33:41):
being there and communicating and they can come and talk
about the other, you know, in we'll say that dad
is the abuser in this situation, and the child comes
back and says, you know, Dadd's still talking about you, Mommy,
and mom can sit down and say, you know, that's okay, hun,
I know that it hurts you when Dad talks about me,

(34:01):
and you can tell Dad, but Dad is still angry
with me. He still is being angry. And so when
people are angry, they say mean things about people, and
it doesn't necessarily mean that that's how Dad feels right now.
Dad just needs to go through this. And just so
that you know I'm here and I'm so glad that

(34:22):
you came to me with this information.

Speaker 4 (34:25):
Yes, that's such a wonderful thing for you to be
sharing with the parents and for the parents to understand
it makes all the difference in the world and how
they're going to communicate with the children. And that's what
children need. Children need to feel secure, the number one thing.
They need to feel some sense of peace and security
and safety when they're going through this life altering experience

(34:48):
that they have no idea what the future is going
to be like for them. It's scary for everyone, but
for innocent children it's profoundly frightening. And the more that
they can be reached sure by one or both parents
hopefully makes all the difference in the world.

Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yes, and so you touched on how this father wanted
to tell his kids that his wife cheated. You know,
when there's a parent that and I try to get
my clents when they're in that mindset. I've got to
let the child know it's like one that's going to
hurt the child. But in the case of cheating, specifically,

(35:26):
and one parent saying, I've got to you know it
hurt them. Yes, there is a betrayal there, but it
usually when I hear my clients so angry at like that,
we stop and we start digging and we find a
root that might have been the cause of whatever the

(35:47):
situation is. It takes two, so if one person cheats,
there's usually a reason subconsciously in most cases even but
we need to find our route and we need to
start figuring out how to get that pulled out of
the ground so that the tree can start to heal.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
I agree with you, Tina, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
Yeah, it's just something that you know, I have to
stop my clients when they're so intent. Like I had
one mother several years ago who came in and said,
you know, my kid is this, that and the other,
and has this medication, has to do this, So I
have to have ninety percent custody of this kid. And
so I worked really hard with her to see that,

(36:35):
you know, dad is so important and that dad can
learn to take care of these These are kind of
minor things. The dad can learn how to do this well.
She she pushed so hard that she was right. She
was right. She finally let me go because she felt
I was helping her try to see a light she
didn't want to see. Well, they ended up in court

(36:55):
and Dad got fifty percent custody, and Dad was willing
to take percent when they went to court, and she
wouldn't get him even that much. That he got fifty percent.
That's because we don't look outside of the box. We
can't see the possibilities, that's right.

Speaker 4 (37:15):
And I had a contentious where Dad had not only
did he have an affair, but he had an affair
with her during her second pregnancy, so she was pregnant
all the while. So this mom was so angry and
so bitter and so hateful understandable, anyone could understand her
situation that she just couldn't do anything connected to child

(37:40):
centered divorce. Because when I asked the question, do you
love your children more than you may hate your ex?
She couldn't say yes. She couldn't say yes, I love
them more because the resentment about him was more important.
So ultimately she left me for the same reason that
your client left you, because she didn't like what she
was hearing from me and moved on. And these were

(38:05):
young children, three five year old child so you could
get away with a lot when the kids are that young,
and you could do whatever you want with the kids
and they don't know any different. So fortunately I knew
people who knew this family. And a few years later,
she's at a big family gathering with where dad was

(38:26):
there too, and one of her kids comes up to
her and says, Mommy, why are you so always so
mean when Daddy's around, and started saying things, asking her
questions about the decisions she was making as a mother.

Speaker 3 (38:42):
And this is like the girl's like.

Speaker 4 (38:44):
Seven or something at this point, and that was the
point when she realized that her kids were being impacted
by her decisions. It wasn't until that when the child
confronted her directly that she realized from the child's perspective,
she's just.

Speaker 3 (38:58):
A mean mommy and abusing dad. And so she had
to let.

Speaker 4 (39:04):
Go and lighten up on the rules of never smiling
and never being nice to dad, even no matter what's
going on in the family dynamic. So she ultimately learned
the lesson, but the hard way, and the children, of course,
were paying the price.

Speaker 3 (39:18):
And that's what happens.

Speaker 2 (39:20):
Mm hmm, yeah, And they pay the price, not just
at the moment for the rest of their life.

Speaker 3 (39:27):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (39:28):
So yeah, So as we start to wind this down,
so can I mean, I want the viewers all your
content information is going to be below in the show notes.
But how can the viewers get a hold of you?

Speaker 4 (39:42):
Well, it's very simple because everything I have and do
is at Child Centereddivorce dot com and write on the homepage.
I have a free ebook on post divorced parenting success
Strategies for getting it right.

Speaker 3 (39:57):
So if you just go to the.

Speaker 4 (39:58):
Top of the homepage and your email address in you
could get that for an instant download. And then I
have several books and courses and programs, and I do
one on one coaching of course around the world, but
for anyone who prefers to do it within a course
or program, I have those as well. And I have
my signature book is how do I tell the kids

(40:20):
about the divorce? I have a very unusual approach to
breaking the divorce news by creating a family storybook with
family pictures and text that I write that the parents
will tweak and customize for the family. And this story
book is something that the kids can relate to because
it's a story about them and their family. With their

(40:42):
names in it, and some kids will bring it from
home to home, back and forth and add information to it.

Speaker 3 (40:49):
It's been a very successful strategy.

Speaker 4 (40:52):
I also have an eight hour Anger Management for co
parents program that is useful when it's court mandated or
voluntarily taken for someone who knows they have anger issues
and knows that it's impacting not only their life but
their innocent children's lives.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
And I remember you talking about that book, and I
was thinking that that book has got to be just
a great idea for parents, just because it's about the
kid's story.

Speaker 3 (41:22):
It works very well.

Speaker 2 (41:24):
So very good. So for our viewers that don't know,
I'm a certified divorce coach, just as Rosalin is. We're
both certified by the same school, the CDC, a very
in depth divorce coach training school, and this means that
I understand the complexities of divorce. I actually have been
in an abusive relationship. I watched my father go through

(41:46):
an abusive relationship where he was almost murdered, and then
I watch my late husband being tortured by his wife.
So not only do I know it from the textbook side,
I know it from the living through it side. So
when I say, I understand divorce. I understand divorce. Roslin
herself has been through a divorce. She understands. She is

(42:06):
a great co parenter, as our twenty year old son
told her. You can reach me through my email at
Coach Tina Lynn at gmail dot com. That's co O
a c h t I n A l y n
n at gmail dot com. My website is Divorcecoachspecialist dot com.
You can find me on social media also, Facebook is

(42:28):
under Tina Lynn Huggins. That's h U g g I
n s LinkedIn under Tina Huggins, on Instagram under Divorce
Coach Tina Lynn, and on TikTok under Divorce Tina So Roslin,
can you give our viewers a last minute little bit
of advice?

Speaker 4 (42:48):
So so be mindful of how your children are feeling,
because they don't know how to express it and say it,
but they act out in ways that show you how
they're feeling. If your children are said or depressed, if
they're having problems in school, if they're bullying or acting
out in any kind of behavior ways, that means something
is going on that they can't express and explain to you.

(43:11):
But it needs attention because the sooner you put a
light on it, and bringing the problems to light, the
sooner you can ease out of those situations and give
the kids the love and attention they want and need.
They need you, They love you, and they need to
feel supported and not having to figure out the challenges

(43:34):
in life. It isn't fair for them, even if they're
older teens. It just isn't fair to do that to
our children. So be mindful and if if it's something serious,
and then reach out immediately to a therapist, a coach,
someone who has experienced dealing with these things so that
you could get it handled. Anything can be handled if

(43:57):
you approach it with love and care and attention. And
that's something that's a gift that you're giving your children
and a gift that they certainly deserve.

Speaker 2 (44:08):
Yes, And so my last bit of advice is very
similar to hear what Roslin is saying. But when you
are dealing with heading into co parenting situations, talking to
your children about divorce, and if you are the parent
who has this anger and this frustration, especially towards your ex,

(44:30):
then reach out go to Roslin's, to her website and
look at the material that she's got. If you want
to take that course on managing your anger, please do
that because that is going to give you some insights
that you may not have ever gotten on your own.
And the book that she has that we talked about,

(44:53):
where you get to put the pictures in and you
get to tell your child's story. It's their story. They
get to add to that story. That is a huge
resource to help you communicate with your children and give
them an important place in your family. So reach out.
The main main thing is don't do this alone. This

(45:13):
is not something that you can do alone. I know
I tried. It doesn't work going alone. Reach out, get
the help that you need.

Speaker 3 (45:21):
I agree.

Speaker 2 (45:24):
And so as we close here, I just want to
remind everybody, as I talked about my attempted suicide, when
we get into a dangerous place in our minds, we
get that suicidal ideation and that is the moment that
we need to reach out the most. So I ask
you to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline,

(45:46):
the number simple nine eight eight nine eighty eight. Reach out.
Just talk to somebody at the very moment when you're
going through this, let them talk you back off that ledge.
Your children need you, your family need you. Also, if
you are in a situation where you need the police
there now. If it's if you're getting hit on, if

(46:08):
your children are getting hit on, call the police nine
to one one here in the States, and then if
you're in Canada it is excuse me. If you're in
the Netherlands, it's nine nine nine, and if you're in
the UK, it's one one to get the police there.
Press charges. Those charges are your key out of an
abusive relationship. Don't drop the charges. Most often the abuse

(46:32):
that comes after drop charges is way worse than the
abuse is the situation that happens before you put charges on.
So please get somebody there and get your key, get
to safety. Also, if you are somebody you know is
experiencing abuse, either now or is experiencing it over a
long period of time, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline

(46:56):
at eight zero zero seven two three three. That's eight
hundred seven ninety nine seventy two thirty three. Then I
also ask that you please like, comment, and share this
information so it can help others. So thank you so
much Roslin for coming on and being a guest and
telling everybody about your products and your service.

Speaker 3 (47:20):
And thank you for inviting me. I love talking with you.

Speaker 2 (47:24):
Thank you so much, and I will let you go.

Speaker 3 (47:28):
Bye bye.

Speaker 1 (47:29):
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