Awful Service Number One Hundred and Sixty-Eight - Elizabeth Selin - Awful Service Podcast

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Tape Deck Media.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
Welcome back. It's another episode of the Awful Service podcast.
This is the podcast that comes with the sneeze guard.
Who that's right. You can't. You just can't be sneezing
on this audio.

Speaker 3 (00:35):
I like that. That's good. We need to guard against
the sneeze man.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
I think we needn't sneeze guards and the other aspects
of our life, not just every way.

Speaker 3 (00:42):
Yeah, everyone, it's because no one can cover their damn mouths. Nope,
we need to teach the children to cover their fucking mouths.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
Yeah, we need to put sneeze guards. I think on
shelves at Target.

Speaker 3 (00:54):
Dude, I want them at the at M. I want
them a lades. Could you just put a sneeze guard,
like on a child.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
We're not asking the mask, just a visor. Just to
straight up, it's me, the original sneeze guard mat.

Speaker 3 (01:11):
And it's hey, it's it's me Old Joe, meat raffle cocozello.

Speaker 2 (01:16):
Just you know, honestly, if a guy calls themselves a
meat raffle, that just sounds like a bad tender pickup.

Speaker 3 (01:21):
Watch your tickets. It's your ticket.

Speaker 2 (01:24):
That's that's a that's a Midwest hookup. That was like
back in the day with like Craigslist, Like, who's ready
for the meat raff.

Speaker 3 (01:32):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (01:33):
We should ask our guests. What if a guy were
to ask you if you want to come to his
personal meat raffle, Elizabeth Selene, would you would you be down?

Speaker 4 (01:40):
Oh gosh, well it did recently join Facebook dating, so
it's basically a meat raffle. I think, like Dud's holding
up dead animals. I'm like, this feels like a meat raffle, you.

Speaker 3 (01:52):
Know, Elizabeth, I have that same problem with the lady
side of things. Oh yeah, they're they're holding up a fish,
and I'm like, don't show me your fucking fish. I
would read the fish stating outside of a church holding
a fish. It's like, what what is this picture supposed
to represent.

Speaker 5 (02:08):
Jesus trying to attract a certain type of man.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
I guess if she was Jesus, that one fish would
have been a thousand fishes, and then it would have
fed the whole tiny town she lives in.

Speaker 2 (02:18):
And the bread there's there's the bread, all right, and
the bread. Our guest today is one of the fastest
rising comedians in the Twin Cities comedy scene. Ladies and
gentlemen give it up for Elizabeth Celine on our podcast.
Welcome Elizabeth, thank you thanks for having me. I thought
that would have been a real shitty way. Guys said,
he wants to come to the meat raffle. You want
to join him?

Speaker 3 (02:37):
Do you know what I will have? I will note
I did not say, Joe come to my personal meat
raffle cocozello. It was I am like, I am the
epitome of meat raffle.

Speaker 2 (02:50):
Well, because you're made of so much flank steak, Yes,
I got all the juicy cuts. Bro At this point,
I would I would think you went lamb to mutton.
I think that's where we're at right.

Speaker 3 (03:03):
We're making shepherd's pie with this but this cat.

Speaker 2 (03:06):
Yes, we need to have some burgundy, some burgundy wine
to cook it in. Uh, we're gonna use real new potatoes, though,
we're gonna we're gonna go a little fancy on the
mashed potatoes.

Speaker 3 (03:15):
Are you a foodie, Elizabeth?

Speaker 5 (03:17):
I like to eat food. Does that count that that.

Speaker 3 (03:23):
Was what foodie was? All of us, you know, the
ones that like to stay alive.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
I love it. It's I do it every day.

Speaker 3 (03:32):
There's some of us that are foodies that like we
we like to taste of food and then they puke
it up. Those are we need to help those foodies
like it's we'll have a problem with.

Speaker 2 (03:42):
Food, or there's those people who need to.

Speaker 3 (03:45):
Teach you to love food.

Speaker 2 (03:47):
The biggest problem, the biggest problem in the foodie community, Joe,
is just the ones who have to take the fucking
photos of their food and then complain that the food
is cold.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
I hate food porn. Oh, and the and the complainers
the food. It's there's we need to take down our
level of foody. You should, You're right, we should get
bring it down to the consumers of food, which is
all of us. It's like, are you a foody? Yeah,
I like Wendy's.

Speaker 5 (04:20):
My food palette flection. I don't.

Speaker 4 (04:21):
I don't have a very refined palette. I'll basically eat anything.

Speaker 3 (04:25):
How spicy is ketchup?

Speaker 5 (04:28):
Not spicy?

Speaker 3 (04:29):
Okay?

Speaker 5 (04:30):
All right?

Speaker 3 (04:30):
So the regular the regular level.

Speaker 2 (04:32):
You're not Minnesota hot. You got it understood. Not like
you're not like table pepper's got a bit of kick
to it.

Speaker 5 (04:38):
Oh no, not unless I snort it.

Speaker 3 (04:43):
What is the German thing where a tribaschets the snuff
into your into your nose.

Speaker 2 (04:48):
Oh, I know you're talking about this.

Speaker 3 (04:49):
Yeah, this snoo snow scnnons or have you seen the
all you gotta do some shows up North Elizabeth, like
you gotta you gotta go to Fargo and just crush
the snooze cannons. So it's it's this finely grated tobacco.
It's like espresso cut. Yeah, it's it's espresso cut tobacco.

(05:11):
And then they have this little, uh, spring loaded thing
that you put your nose right there on the thing
and it just fong and it just shoots it right
that it shoots the tobacco directly into your brain.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
It's a very it's a very Bavarian specific thing too.
It's it comes from Bavarian. Not not all of Germany
does this. It is specifically Bavarian.

Speaker 3 (05:32):
I had no idea. I've been, I've been kind of
it's stereotyping. The whole race of Germans is to.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Be fair to fair. The most of what people think
of Germany as Bavaria. Later hosen pokem music.

Speaker 3 (05:47):
Uh, it's because Germany got such a bad rap for
so long that they were like we got to focus
on the fun part. Later cannons it's that one kind
of beer that everybody it's.

Speaker 2 (06:00):
The one on the giant mug.

Speaker 3 (06:02):
Yes, they love it. We didn't kill anyone us and
leader host you can't.

Speaker 2 (06:07):
You can't get a moss which is a leader outside
of Bavaria, so they sell. They only saw them in
half leaders at like everywhere else in Germany and.

Speaker 3 (06:18):
In Bavaria they're like, yeah, fuck half leaders.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
No, no, Bavaria has half leaders. That's they go. This
is for this is for children.

Speaker 3 (06:26):
Breakfast and children. Yeah, breakfast, and their kids can work
at the bars at thirteen.

Speaker 2 (06:36):
Well they can start drinking at sixteen, so yeah, I guess. Well, Elizabeth,
this is the Awful Surface podcast. We're not here just
to talk about Germany meat raffles, dating scenes. No, we
exist to talk about jobs and the stories there within.
The very first segment on the podcast is one that

(06:56):
they would lovingly referred to as the resume.

Speaker 5 (07:02):
Show.

Speaker 3 (07:02):
What's your resume? Why should we hire?

Speaker 5 (07:06):
Have you if I had a job?

Speaker 3 (07:07):
Right?

Speaker 6 (07:07):
You?

Speaker 3 (07:07):
Open fire? Tell us all about yourself and a place
of business, talk about my jobs? Built a shady politics show?
What's your resume?

Speaker 2 (07:22):
Everyone vibes on that one, specifically, uh so, Lizabeth, this
is your chance to talk about some of the jobs
you've had. You don't have to do all of them.
You don't have to go chronologically. You can go reverse chronological.
You know, when you become a person of a certain
age it becomes more difficult though. Uh So, you know,
and wherever one, whenever, job you want to start with,
and whatever stories you want to start with, go ahead, cool.

Speaker 4 (07:43):
I guess in grand millennial tradition, I have worked about
a million jobs.

Speaker 5 (07:50):
Started out at a greenhouse.

Speaker 3 (07:54):
Regular plans.

Speaker 4 (07:57):
Yeah, yeah, as far as I know, but I was
very sheltered as a kid, so for all I know,
they were all drugs, and I would have no idea.

Speaker 5 (08:07):
No, I mean, the farmer's market is just drugs.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
Right, honestly, I would I want there to be a
farmer's market for weed. I don't. I don't want a dispensary.
I want a guy that's just an overall dirty overall
It ain't it's hard work, it's just it's.

Speaker 3 (08:26):
Just one one weed tent and then eight hundred food trucks.

Speaker 2 (08:34):
So much breasted farmer's market is there's a lot of
booties out today.

Speaker 5 (08:42):
Yeah, actually that would be a great farmer's mark. I mean,
I don't.

Speaker 4 (08:44):
I'm not really much of a weed person, but it
seems like a solid business plan.

Speaker 3 (08:48):
And one guys selling black life posters.

Speaker 2 (08:53):
That there's a fresh and organically made joe yea.

Speaker 5 (08:57):
I mixed a lot of dirt and I weeded a
lot of geraniums. At least they were telling me they
were geraniums.

Speaker 3 (09:03):
Yes, did you water the geraniums? And there it was
a lot of air quotes with your bosses, like everything
was in air.

Speaker 2 (09:10):
Why do we grow so many poppies?

Speaker 3 (09:15):
I did it, boss, I did just like I said,
I weeded all the weeds. And they're like, no, we
said water the weed.

Speaker 2 (09:22):
No, so you were you were on more of the
labor side like you were doing. Did you have to
help Did you have to help people find specific flowers
and indoor things when they came into the greenhouse?

Speaker 5 (09:35):
No? I mean people didn't really come in very often.

Speaker 4 (09:38):
This this sounds yes, this is there wasn't a lot
of people there.

Speaker 2 (09:44):
They only came at night for some reason.

Speaker 5 (09:48):
No, it was they mostly grew plants to sell at
the farmer's market.

Speaker 2 (09:52):
So most like a wholesaler.

Speaker 4 (09:55):
I had spend my Friday evenings loading up the truck
and then you.

Speaker 3 (09:59):
Have to work the farm market or you never made
it to farmer's market level. You were just.

Speaker 4 (10:03):
Yeah, I never made it to that level. I didn't
advance that far in the field.

Speaker 2 (10:07):
I'll just get geranium saline on it, you know.

Speaker 5 (10:10):
Yeah, it was a literal field too, Like I also
shucked corn from the cornfield.

Speaker 3 (10:15):
So it was you and a bunch of illegal immigrants
and then you guys packed the truck and then they
were like we we can't let any of you. No one.
No one has their papers. And then you're like, I
have my painting.

Speaker 4 (10:26):
They're like yeah, They're like no, actually, your papers are
definitely fakes.

Speaker 3 (10:32):
You are the most Mexican person we have on this acreage.

Speaker 2 (10:36):
Like you're working the cornfield, So are you doing like
the corn tasseling or whatever?

Speaker 4 (10:41):
Yeah, I mean I picked a fair bit of corn.
It was a The greenhouse was in.

Speaker 5 (10:45):
The middle of a farm. And then there were random
gardening and harvesting tasks.

Speaker 3 (10:52):
So where was this farm and is this still happening?
Are the drugs still being.

Speaker 4 (11:00):
Actually it was some friends with my grandparents, and I'm
not sure.

Speaker 5 (11:04):
I don't think it's still a thing anymore.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
But I'm not sure we like I'm I'm one on
the podcast that it hates to see good things go
like I love to see shitty things stop. Like I
love that. I love our later segment, Why did it fail?

Speaker 5 (11:22):
Yeah, well, I yeah, that's gonna be fun. One that
I wish if I worked at Barnes and Noble out
of college.

Speaker 2 (11:29):
That's give it. Give the literacy rate in the United States,
give it, give enough time. That'll be a fail sooner.

Speaker 3 (11:36):
Yeah, you guys, remember that store that sold.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
Books, sold Piper and it was just kind of bound together.
I don't understand what that was about.

Speaker 3 (11:44):
It was that store that I would use the bathroom
at all the time.

Speaker 2 (11:48):
That Starbucks that had DVDs in the back section somewhere.

Speaker 3 (11:52):
See, I love books. I never got down on Barnes.

Speaker 5 (11:56):
I know.

Speaker 3 (11:57):
I was like what I know. Maybe it's because I
never got it to the the current books that were
like hot hot, the hot current books that you buy
at new bookstores. IM like, I am a half priced
books human. I love like it's I love a library.
I'd give me a free book that I will return
to you, that I can borrow or that I can

(12:19):
have for a very cheap I never understood the Barnes
and Noblis Like, uh.

Speaker 2 (12:25):
Like, well, it's just because they don't sell Louis Lamore,
and that's why you don't. They don't.

Speaker 3 (12:29):
I love me some Louis Lamore, don't you know it?
It's Elizabeth one to ten. How do you feel about
Louis Lamore being he's the greatest American?

Speaker 2 (12:40):
I don't know who that is.

Speaker 5 (12:42):
I need a Google. I'm sorry, I need a google.

Speaker 3 (12:45):
He wrote a bunch of old Western fiction back in
the day. Like it's all right, it's a Midwestern I'm
not I'm not a Midwesterner, so I lean into like
some Midwestern thing that I could get behind. Louis Lamore
is one of them. So it was bowling leagues. Uh like,
it's ice fishing. It's like, I like, there's like the

(13:09):
food stuff. It's like, yeah, yeah, sheltz rules like it's
got curling. Curling was not big in New York. I
didn't know shit about curling until I got here.

Speaker 2 (13:23):
So so you worked for Barnes and Noble. Huh, Like,
I'm assuming nothing really interesting happened on the farm from
the sounds of it.

Speaker 4 (13:29):
I mean not not really. It was a lot of
the same tasks. That was just my very first introduction
to the workforce.

Speaker 2 (13:37):
Nice. So you from the farm to the to the bookstore.

Speaker 3 (13:41):
But they still had you at Barnes and Noble shucking right,
Yeah you were.

Speaker 5 (13:46):
I was the corn shucker forure.

Speaker 2 (13:50):
There's definitely a drug front there too.

Speaker 5 (13:53):
I well, I did.

Speaker 3 (13:54):
I wouldn't be surprised if it came out later that
like the old time Bards and Noble was just so
crack cocaine.

Speaker 5 (14:01):
They're they're actually a front for for corn, like far
into table corn. Yeah it's not even a drug, but
they make it sound like one.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
Yeah, no, y'all go, y'all got.

Speaker 5 (14:14):
No.

Speaker 4 (14:15):
Well, during college, I did a couple of summers at
a machine shop.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
WHOA, what were you manufacturing?

Speaker 3 (14:23):
Okay, a lot of gun parts. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
pardon my pardon my laugh that came out of my gut,
Like that was a gut urroll that I could not
You do not seem the viewers can't see this because
they because it's an audio podcast, obviously, but you you

(14:46):
look like the opposite of someone that would machine shop
a K forty seven muzzles or whatever it.

Speaker 5 (14:55):
Was.

Speaker 3 (14:55):
Yeah, it was what were you. I hope they don't
exist anymore. But what didn't they like America?

Speaker 2 (15:04):
They're taking over all the barns, I said, I hoped.

Speaker 3 (15:08):
I know they weren't.

Speaker 5 (15:11):
Uh yeah, so I worked.

Speaker 6 (15:13):
Uh.

Speaker 4 (15:13):
I worked a lot of punch presses, spotworlds, press breaks.
I did some like hand tooling, but mostly it was
just operating the machinery.

Speaker 3 (15:24):
That's awesome, yeah, super fun. Is this something that you
might did you enjoy it? Did you like? Was this
like something that you were like, oh shit, machine shopping?
I could do that? Gun parts I don't like. All right,
it's well.

Speaker 2 (15:39):
It depends on what type of guns. What type of
guns were talking about? Were they like hunting rifles? Are
we talking like personal picture?

Speaker 4 (15:45):
I'm trying to remember it was because I don't really
know that much about guns.

Speaker 5 (15:48):
It was Is it three oh six or three o eight?
Is that something?

Speaker 3 (15:52):
Well?

Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah, eight, yeah, that's a that's a hunting rifle. You
were working for, like the place that made deer hunting stuff.
All right, I could get.

Speaker 3 (15:58):
Behind that more. And the Elizabeth, I love that you're
like like checking the computer like for but I am
R and D for the show. I'm researching development. You
just say where you worked, and I google the ship
out of it. It takes me a lot longer because
I'm like a dinosaur compared to But it's.

Speaker 5 (16:19):
Yeah, no, I mean it was a it was a
fun It was a fun little job.

Speaker 3 (16:25):
I mean it wouldn't the only gale. Was this like
a lot? What was the workforce here at the gun shop?

Speaker 5 (16:33):
It was, it was smaller. It was mostly dudes, mostly
middle aged dudes. And there was what.

Speaker 3 (16:38):
Was there a calendar with sexy like? Was there a
sexy girl calendar?

Speaker 5 (16:43):
Not in my bathroom?

Speaker 3 (16:45):
Don't wait? So you guys had separate bathrooms, so you
crushed the ladies room. This was like pretty much your
studio apartment. This was like your private bathroom.

Speaker 4 (16:54):
Yeah, it was me and the lady who worked in shipping,
and then every now and then the inspector's wife would
come in and do a few ops.

Speaker 5 (17:04):
But yeah, it was just me and the dude. So
comedy is not the first male dominie.

Speaker 3 (17:10):
I wonder you learned this so easily. You took to
this so so quickly. This is so much everyone's a
little funnier than Yeah.

Speaker 2 (17:21):
I would say, at least the gun shop feels like
there'd be less creepy guys working it honestly.

Speaker 4 (17:26):
Yeah, yep, yeah, yep yeah, and my my dad.

Speaker 3 (17:31):
Less people on the spectrum or more.

Speaker 5 (17:35):
I don't know. My dad worked in that. He was
like in the engineering department still.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
Is of this of the gun machine, of the machine.

Speaker 5 (17:46):
Yeah. So he kind of got me the gig because
none of the tempe Okay, hire me, and I'm like
I can push buttons like, I'm like, hire me. So
they finally did, and oh.

Speaker 3 (17:55):
You're William Segebe's daughter, Like oh, they were like, oh,
I love your dad. He's a great. But it wasn't
a lot of athlete's.

Speaker 4 (18:05):
Yeah, so, I I mean, I don't know if I mean,
it was just a bunch of old dudes. They didn't
like sometimes they like, you know, they joke around. Bit,
it wasn't.

Speaker 5 (18:16):
It was mostly like older married dudes.

Speaker 2 (18:19):
You're hearing a lot of dad jokes, is what you're saying.

Speaker 5 (18:21):
Yeah, a lot of dad jokes.

Speaker 4 (18:23):
Had their little bits that they do every day, Oh
please please.

Speaker 5 (18:30):
I worked at another machine shop after after college, I
worked at two machine.

Speaker 4 (18:34):
Shops, and the second one, uh, there was this bit
these two guys would run like every morning, one of
them will come in and.

Speaker 5 (18:41):
Be like white Castle for souper, you better watch out.
And then they both look at me and they laugh.

Speaker 3 (18:49):
This is the guys, all right? Can you can you
settle like an argument that I've been having for years
with like all my other guy friends, girls love fart
jokes just as much as guys do.

Speaker 5 (19:01):
I mean, I can't speak on behalf of all women,
but I personally have the sense of humor of a
thirteen year old boy.

Speaker 3 (19:06):
Oh yeah, you can't speak for all women on this podcast, Elizabeth.
You speak for all your gender, ethnic everything. It's you
are constantly speaking for to be you.

Speaker 5 (19:19):
I okay, I mend my statement. I speak on behalf
of all women who are forty three percent German.

Speaker 2 (19:28):
Okay, I'm with it, to be fair. To be fair,
we do hold all Sicilians to the cocazello standards.

Speaker 5 (19:34):
Ah.

Speaker 2 (19:34):
Yes, so you're you're working What were you manufacturing at
the second machine shop?

Speaker 4 (19:41):
A lot of screws, a lot of like lathe work
with big screws, small screws, Sir.

Speaker 3 (19:50):
I was galing because your first job at the greenhouse
you didn't know if you were tulips or or marijuana.
So I'm like you were you were a lathing screws?
Were they screws? Were they were? We working at a
sex door, like a sex machine shop making metal bildos.

Speaker 4 (20:10):
I mean I wouldn't want to personally use any of
the things that I manufactured in that capacity.

Speaker 3 (20:18):
Okay, all right, I was just I was making a reference.
I don't know what you lathed, and I don't know
I was.

Speaker 2 (20:25):
I was waiting for the Usually I'm the one with
the punny jokes.

Speaker 4 (20:30):
But now, oh, speaking of puns, I think my favorite
day at Machine Shop number two. I was in the
inspection office, just like measuring my part, as one does.

Speaker 3 (20:41):
And no everybody on this show has done that.

Speaker 5 (20:47):
Yeah, so we're in the inspection office measuring parts.

Speaker 3 (20:49):
We're kind of stretching your part out a little bit
extra to make it a little like get it.

Speaker 5 (20:54):
Oh it's metal.

Speaker 4 (20:55):
So but one guy comes in and he's talking to
the inspector and they're just like inspecting this part and
they're just like, we're gonna have to blow these dirty holes.

Speaker 3 (21:09):
And none of them, none of them found that funny
that They just set it on the straight face and
you were in the back giggling like it's trying to stifle.

Speaker 5 (21:18):
Correct. Yes, I was standing in the corner like pretending
to cough.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
You're covering up with a cough. I love it.

Speaker 5 (21:28):
Yeah, it's just kind.

Speaker 3 (21:29):
Of thing in my throat. It was a ding. Is
not what you guys were talking about, is it ding?

Speaker 5 (21:35):
Yeah? Well, like they say things like that, like, oh,
we're gonna have to tap this like stuff like that.
This is like every day lingo.

Speaker 3 (21:46):
You guys are gonna both have to tap that at
the same time. It seems a little you got I think,
all right, I like, if you ever get to go
back in time, Elizabeth again, you have to go back
to machine Shop number two and really lean into They're like,

(22:09):
if they're gonna if they're gonna play it straight, you
have to play it extra not straight. But it's just
laying on extra. Yeah, are you guys gonna do that
at the same tapping it at the same time. Are
you at the front and he's at the back?

Speaker 5 (22:24):
Are we getting.

Speaker 3 (22:27):
Everyone's tapping at the same time?

Speaker 2 (22:29):
We take turns, We take turns.

Speaker 3 (22:30):
Do you go then you go like, it's do you
guys finish together? It's hand tower?

Speaker 5 (22:45):
No?

Speaker 3 (22:46):
Is that too far? Was that.

Speaker 5 (22:49):
To push the buttons?

Speaker 3 (22:50):
That is true, Like you can't you can't Iffel Tower.

Speaker 2 (22:55):
They're just trying to Eiffel Tower. Laide to come on whatever?

Speaker 3 (22:58):
No, uh tew you lose a fingermet? How you lose
a finger?

Speaker 2 (23:04):
Did you? Did you work with anybody? Did you ever
like experience anyone having a gnarly accident at any of
the Oh my gosh.

Speaker 5 (23:10):
So there was this guy I maybe shouldn't say his
real name.

Speaker 3 (23:15):
Yeah, just.

Speaker 4 (23:17):
Like I called him, I'm going to make up a
name right now. I called him Loud John. And uh he.

Speaker 5 (23:24):
He would just be like singing and yelling like all
day long.

Speaker 4 (23:26):
And then there was one day he got real quiet
and then he's like walking through the office with like
like holding his hand and it's just like goshing blood
and he's like, yeah, I I smashed it in the
lathe Yeah, and it like took his finger off. He
was only up for like two days though. It was crazy.

(23:48):
He was back to work and we're just like, what
are you doing here?

Speaker 3 (23:50):
Go so loud? Just a little less loud John is Wow? Wait?
Did he did they? Were they able to put it
back on? Did they? Do you remember?

Speaker 5 (24:05):
I mean I think it ended up being like the
tip of his finger that.

Speaker 3 (24:09):
He just it just okay, so he's just he's nine
and a half.

Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's not he got a discount on gloves.

Speaker 3 (24:15):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (24:16):
Yeah, So what happened is, uh so he was he
was removing tooling from the lathe and putting in new
tooling and there's like a suction so you put the
tooling in, you push a foot pedal and it suctions
it in.

Speaker 5 (24:30):
Well, he had his finger in the tool he put
it in. He accidentally pushed the foot pedal and it
sucked like.

Speaker 3 (24:37):
His finger, It just sucked it into the whole thing. Oh,
he just sucking let it out in a space. Yeah's
what happens. That's what happens when you're singing on the
job loud Johnny like like.

Speaker 2 (24:52):
He was was He was called extra loud john after that.

Speaker 5 (24:55):
Yeah. Actually, well what's crazy is that he like when
it happened, that's like the quietest I've ever heard him.

Speaker 3 (25:01):
Well, there's a screw somewhere with a little loud jone
in it.

Speaker 4 (25:05):
Yeah, yeah, there's there's definitely a screw with DNA on it.

Speaker 2 (25:11):
They're just they're just at the home depot. Like, so
I bought a whole I bought a whole box of it.

Speaker 3 (25:15):
But this one. I've been watching a lot of CSI Miami.
I think you guys need to like it's like he's
got like the glove. I know how to handle evidence.

Speaker 2 (25:29):
Yeah, why don't you have a plastic bag in your pocket?
That was the part I was impressed with.

Speaker 3 (25:34):
Always keep a glove on you. I watch a lot
of c s I Miami.

Speaker 2 (25:37):
That's the thing about those shops that do fucking scare
me though. There has to be just the gnarliest of
ship because you're working with these like these these insanely
powerful tours tools and you're.

Speaker 3 (25:46):
Doing it, you're doing a speed run.

Speaker 4 (25:48):
Yeah, yeah, well he was just he at the time,
he wasn't running.

Speaker 5 (25:53):
The up he was. He was switching out the tooling.
But it's still like, especially when it's foot pedal, when
it's hand pedals, they make it to design them so
you have to have both hands on the for it
to like go.

Speaker 3 (26:04):
But yeah, I mean it's great, and it's just when
you're running, when you're running on fire, when you're on
fire and you're you're clicking, you can NASCAR fucking pit
stop that fucking thing. Foot pedal. The thing Bodunk Dobe.
All my hands are free. Oh yeah, I got all

(26:25):
tend It's like it's that one time, just like.

Speaker 2 (26:30):
Every time celebrating there, they're still there.

Speaker 3 (26:33):
He's just like listening to like the fucking red soundtrack
on his fucking walkman, and he's just going to card
not listening.

Speaker 2 (26:43):
Didn't did anything else interesting happen at the either of these,
either the shops.

Speaker 4 (26:52):
I think one time I dropped like probably three tons
of metal on the ground by accident, made a real
loud sound.

Speaker 3 (27:02):
You were just carrying around like I'm.

Speaker 5 (27:05):
Just like throwing it over. I'm actually I'm on your
ruff and I look no. Well, I had it on
a cart and it was a bunch of long stainless
steel pieces, and I was pushing it, but it kind
of got away from me a little bit. The end
of it ended up running into a machine, one of
the presses, and it just like I couldn't stop it

(27:25):
in time, so it just tipped over and smashed into
the crowd. But nobody, no, no one got hurt.

Speaker 3 (27:33):
Then everything was fine.

Speaker 4 (27:34):
Yeah, everything was fine. They used the forklift to get
it all back up there. It was fine. But like
everyone in the office or not the office. Everyone in
the shop. I work in an office. Now everyone in
the shop just like gathered around. They're all just like
rubber necking this whole thing.

Speaker 3 (27:51):
This was like cake. This is like someone having a
birthday in the office. Everyone's just like around, Like, we
need to stop everything that we're doing. We need to
make sure Elizabeth, which is cool. We also need to
make sure. We need to watch the forklift for back.

Speaker 5 (28:05):
We also need to make fun of her a little bit.

Speaker 2 (28:07):
I'm sure you didn't live that down for a while.

Speaker 3 (28:10):
Yeah, yeah, here comes clangity clang clang. It's old cling clang.
It's like, which is better than the nickname that that
you're They gave your the Asian lady and shipping you
were cling clang.

Speaker 2 (28:27):
Oh god, we're not gonna We're not gonna let Joe
finish that show.

Speaker 5 (28:36):
She was forty seven too much information.

Speaker 3 (28:39):
Yeah, it's oh see, I didn't even need a minute.
That's the best part of that show. Didn't even need
to finish it.

Speaker 2 (28:46):
To actually called her pearl.

Speaker 3 (28:53):
She had a great twist to that where it was
like obvious.

Speaker 2 (28:57):
Her name is Shirley, you know.

Speaker 3 (28:59):
Yeah, you were glad she was a birth.

Speaker 2 (29:01):
Of Yeah, so so where'd you go after you were
done manufacturing?

Speaker 3 (29:06):
Uh? Uh?

Speaker 2 (29:09):
All the stuff at the shops I worked.

Speaker 5 (29:12):
I worked briefly as a skip tracer.

Speaker 3 (29:15):
What the fuck?

Speaker 2 (29:16):
Yeah you said that, so casually like Joe and I
would know what that is.

Speaker 3 (29:21):
I did like some dog the bounty hunter ship. Like
it's like, people know what that is.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
We're gonna learn something new to get.

Speaker 3 (29:31):
Rockford files over here, Like it's like this is I mean,
all right, by the way side, note, Uh, the reason
Facebook exists is to stay in touch with people like
loud John tell me you stay in touch with booking.

Speaker 5 (29:47):
Honestly, I don't think that guy has a Facebook, those friends, Yeah,
I mean I maybe.

Speaker 3 (29:54):
Court didn't let him have a Facebook.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
So what is a skip tracer?

Speaker 3 (30:01):
Yeah?

Speaker 4 (30:01):
Yeah, it.

Speaker 3 (30:04):
Was.

Speaker 4 (30:05):
I mean it's someone who's searching for information on a
person and or a company. In my case, I was
working for a collections agency and so my job was
to find a place of employment for the person they're
trying to collect on and if they're fuller part time.
So it was a lot of making phone calls to
relatives of the person, trying to get information out of them.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
And I got told, you're basically a private detective, so
you didn't have to sit outside in your car with
the camera.

Speaker 3 (30:34):
No, it was just phone calls. This was telemarketing, private investigation.

Speaker 5 (30:39):
Yeah, just cold calling. It was terrible. I hated it.
I got told I was a terrible person and to
go to hell like every single.

Speaker 2 (30:45):
Day, like, yeah, you're not You're not that's not a
It was not a good fit for me. Yeah you're
not Liam, You're not Liam nieing. If this is taken, like.

Speaker 3 (30:55):
How did you end up there? How did you leave?
I have to know you have to you're making screws.
You're like, fuck this ship. I'm a wreck people.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
I need to I need to go to a safer
line of work.

Speaker 5 (31:07):
Like I was like on an office job and uh
happened to me? And uh so I gave it a try.

Speaker 4 (31:18):
And then after a month, I don't know, it's like
after like a week of going in, it's like I'm
looking for excuses to call out every day.

Speaker 5 (31:24):
I'm like slaying in bed every morning, just trying to
like I feel sick today, right, I feel sick to call.

Speaker 3 (31:30):
Out because your job is a sick job. More a
moral human being to go with just wreck people's lives
every day because they made some bad credit card decisions.

Speaker 5 (31:44):
Or like it's yeah, I mean I think it was.

Speaker 3 (31:46):
Were there any were there any good cases that you
had where you were like, yeah, fuck you, dude, I
am gonna wreck you. You're a piece of ship and
you deserve to get brought down a peg.

Speaker 4 (31:58):
I feel like I didn't really get that into it,
and I wasn't supposed to be getting that into the
weeds on individual people, which is personally.

Speaker 2 (32:07):
Don't make it personal, Joe, don't make it personal.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
That's the only way I could have done that job.
If it was personal, Like if I knew they were
a good person, I couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 (32:18):
Need to be you need to start Italian skip tracing.

Speaker 3 (32:22):
That is the mafia, dude, Like you haven't paid your
fucking bill, bro, Like I gotta break your n I
don't want to do this.

Speaker 4 (32:29):
Yeah, we were trying to get through accounts very quickly,
and if if we weren't getting through accounts quickly enough,
they would talk to us about it, which meant you
couldn't get too in the weeds. So it was like
it would be way more if I could have done.

Speaker 3 (32:44):
It could have been. Yeah, if you got to be
more in in the people's lives, and you're like, yeah,
fuck you, you're you're a terrible human.

Speaker 2 (32:52):
No, no, they just got Yeah. She's just like, I
got to move on to the next the next one, right,
and I'm looking for I'm looking for a shoe cock.

Speaker 3 (33:03):
Yeah. You never find my jobs unfindable. It's like it's
I'm easily fine.

Speaker 2 (33:09):
So yeah, that has to be the most more. I
we've had people who've done cold calling on this podcast before,
but never for like this sort of thing for debt collection.

Speaker 3 (33:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (33:20):
Yeah, I didn't like it.

Speaker 4 (33:21):
I lasted a month and then I was like, look, guys,
I can't do this.

Speaker 5 (33:24):
This is not a good fit for me. So I quit.

Speaker 2 (33:28):
And then three months later they found you again and
they're just like okay.

Speaker 5 (33:31):
By the way, they're like, oh, we know you didn't
calling you.

Speaker 2 (33:35):
We didn't. You didn't you didn't contribute to the coffee fund,
all right.

Speaker 3 (33:41):
Now, I please tell me you got like a fun
job after skip tracing, after after you broke your spirits
there she went back to the Greenhouse. No, so well, that.

Speaker 5 (33:51):
Paid five dollars an hour, so that wasn't really an option. Uh,
four dollars an hour. It was absurdly small.

Speaker 3 (33:58):
Wow, well it was fourteen, but you did you very much?
Got paid a legal immigrant salary, yeah for real?

Speaker 5 (34:07):
Yeah, I kind of get paid an immigrant salary a
little bit. Yeah, but it's legal because it's farm work.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (34:13):
You were here for some weird loopholes.

Speaker 3 (34:15):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (34:18):
It.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
So where did you go after skip tracing?

Speaker 5 (34:21):
I became a ghost writer after that.

Speaker 2 (34:24):
So you were a part of the PBS program in
the nineteen eighties.

Speaker 3 (34:27):
Favorite This is my I am gonna right now. This
has been outside of Rick Logan's being Ronald McDonald.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
This is my favorite resume. Yeah, it is a good way.
It's a good one. It's definitely one of the whitest
for sure.

Speaker 3 (34:46):
All Right, all right, latest lady writing.

Speaker 2 (34:50):
So again, you're you're working on PBS. It's the nineteen
eighties and your's a spunky game of kids.

Speaker 5 (34:55):
We're all doing cocaine.

Speaker 3 (34:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (34:58):
I was born in ninety one, So.

Speaker 3 (35:00):
You ghostwriting for who?

Speaker 2 (35:02):
Though?

Speaker 3 (35:02):
Who?

Speaker 5 (35:03):
Wait?

Speaker 3 (35:04):
Don't you say it?

Speaker 2 (35:05):
Can you?

Speaker 3 (35:05):
Legally? Is there like a so legally?

Speaker 5 (35:08):
I didn't write a parenting book. No, I ghost I
didn't really know how to do it, so I mostly took.

Speaker 4 (35:16):
Jobs from like like ghostwriting platforms.

Speaker 5 (35:20):
So it was a lot of like marketers who thought that.
So it was around the time Kindle unlimiting, Kindle unlimited thing,
So it was a lot of marketers who thought that
publishing was an easy way to make a book. And
I was the sucker who got sucked into writing like
thirty thousand words in like two weeks for like three

(35:41):
hundred dollars.

Speaker 2 (35:44):
That's so low.

Speaker 3 (35:45):
Okay, all right, have we found any of the books
that we've ghost written? Have we read any of them?

Speaker 2 (35:51):
Or do you know? Do you know them? Do you
actually know them? Can you get them at a Barnes
and Noble? No, they're all at.

Speaker 4 (35:58):
Least if so, it would be like in the used
book section because someone bought the like print to.

Speaker 3 (36:09):
Whatever they got sucked into the print version of their
They're like, oh, we're going to make so much. Look
where I'm a published author.

Speaker 5 (36:17):
Yeah no, well legally I didn't write it. I had
to sign like NDA's and whatever.

Speaker 2 (36:22):
Okay, legally, all right, we can't. Actually you weren't, like
I said back you You were a part of the
nineteen eighties PBS show ghost Writer. Remember that show?

Speaker 3 (36:32):
Joe yes, I very much remember the show. The only
reason I'm not talking about like not referencing this, like
because you keep saying it she was born ninety one. Dude,
do you even know ghost writer Elizabeth? Like is this
do you understand this reference that he's making. There was
a television show on PBS in the late eighties early
nineties called ghost Writer, not ghost Writer.

Speaker 2 (36:55):
Not the skull guy in the motorcycle.

Speaker 3 (36:57):
It's it was about this fucking and group of kids. Yeah. Yeah,
it was a group of kids and there was this
computer ghost that they would go on the computer and
it would help them write ship like it's and it's
very educational program and and they would solve crimes, these
little like mysteries, and they'd ask the computer like what

(37:18):
are we It was like original Google. It was like Google.
And they'd be like, what the fuck is this? And
then ghost Writer would be like, this is what it is,
y'all and it's like it was it was like ask Jeeves.

Speaker 2 (37:31):
Was the search engine?

Speaker 3 (37:32):
Yeah, it's like the presearch engine.

Speaker 2 (37:34):
All right, So so anyway, okay, did not you did
not write for the Parenting podcast. Selene is doing this
purely for for humorous purposes.

Speaker 3 (37:49):
Could could you? Could you? Could you? Uh not tell
us the title of the parenting book that because I
would love to not read this.

Speaker 5 (38:00):
I honestly don't even remember it was.

Speaker 2 (38:02):
So it was what to expect when expecting.

Speaker 6 (38:06):
You.

Speaker 3 (38:06):
All right, can ill? And this is they're very we're
all new friends here on the podcast. We don't know
much of each other. How many children do you have, Elizabeth?

Speaker 5 (38:14):
I have zero children.

Speaker 3 (38:16):
Okay, that's that's kind of what.

Speaker 5 (38:19):
The client did not ask me, are you qualified? He
asked me, can you do it?

Speaker 3 (38:25):
And you were like, yups, yeah, So what was this
parenting book that you did not write about?

Speaker 2 (38:30):
The children are defined as human things under the age
of eighteen years old.

Speaker 7 (38:35):
It was.

Speaker 4 (38:37):
Like how to raise your children without screwing them up
or something kind of like that.

Speaker 3 (38:41):
I don't Oh my god, there's actual fucking parents.

Speaker 5 (38:45):
Yeah, so obviously read this book.

Speaker 3 (38:47):
That a non parent didn't write, and like it's and
they're parenting on the non writing that you didn't do. Yeah,
it is they raised fucking children. When did you write
this book? When did I'm sorry, when did you not
write this book?

Speaker 2 (39:02):
Not this book?

Speaker 3 (39:03):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (39:03):
When did when you the legally speak that.

Speaker 4 (39:07):
Have been like twenty fifteen or so, is this like
pig Latin for like legal like it's when did you
not write this?

Speaker 2 (39:17):
I write it in twenty fifteen.

Speaker 5 (39:18):
I didn't write it in twenty fifteen, So these.

Speaker 3 (39:21):
Kids might now be what like it's they're like ten
years old?

Speaker 4 (39:26):
Nine ten years What I ended up doing is I
went to the library and I bought, not bought.

Speaker 5 (39:30):
You don't buy stuff at the library if the library
is doing well.

Speaker 4 (39:34):
But I checked out a bunch of parenting books, mostly
written by I would say, comedians, like I think Jim
Gaffigan's memoir and like I took it as an opportunity
to read some stuff I wanted to read from by
funny people. And I don't remember exactly what I wrote,
but I think I was trying to be as funny
about it as I could, because otherwise I wasn't going

(39:55):
to get through this project.

Speaker 3 (39:58):
I love this, So I got a question to go
and look and find all the books you didn't write
back in the day.

Speaker 5 (40:06):
There's so many, I know.

Speaker 2 (40:08):
What so like how many in total? How many in total?

Speaker 5 (40:12):
Probably like thirty?

Speaker 3 (40:13):
Holy awesomeness, You've affected how to quit smoking in under
thirty days by not Elizabeth, keep it, keeping about sh
you've never done.

Speaker 2 (40:26):
Before, keeping it interesting in the bedroom after fifty.

Speaker 5 (40:30):
Yeah, I mean I wrote some bearship.

Speaker 2 (40:34):
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait one
more time.

Speaker 5 (40:37):
I wrote some bear shifter erotica.

Speaker 3 (40:40):
Whoa, whoa, Okay, bear shifter be shifting. I'm on it,
I'm on it. What is bear shift?

Speaker 2 (40:49):
You're gonna have that in your Google search?

Speaker 5 (40:51):
Animals? Was erotic?

Speaker 3 (40:53):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (40:55):
Like altered Beast Joe?

Speaker 5 (40:57):
Yeah it was. His toilet was like still pretty hot
at the time.

Speaker 2 (41:02):
Okay, okay, yeah, I know that that parent parentormal romance
novels are like the biggest part, one of the biggest
parts of that industry. I know this because I've been
auditioning to do book reading, like to be like an audible,
and the only callbacks I have gotten have been from
romance novels.

Speaker 3 (41:22):
We haven't had a shifter like an animal humanoid.

Speaker 2 (41:27):
One for like a vampire, one like black Bear number two.

Speaker 3 (41:32):
And I did, I did, You're not black enough, dude,
you don't sound I didn't get bear enough.

Speaker 2 (41:37):
No, I didn't get any of the looking for a
more urban bear. So do you do it? The romance
novels that's that's how many? How many of those did
you not write?

Speaker 3 (41:50):
Someone's been Sleeping in My bed?

Speaker 4 (41:55):
I was starting to burn out by the time I
got on the fictions.

Speaker 5 (41:59):
Like, I just can't with this nonfiction.

Speaker 4 (42:01):
It's way too much research and not enough time, and
it's like it's too much.

Speaker 5 (42:05):
So then I just started doing some fiction, but I
probably only did like maybe a dozen of them.

Speaker 2 (42:14):
Series as you didn't write a series, I didn't.

Speaker 3 (42:20):
I would love to read something you didn't write. Elizabeth, It's.

Speaker 5 (42:25):
Yeah, I didn't.

Speaker 2 (42:28):
You know what, she's not a parent and she's also
not a transmorphing bear person.

Speaker 5 (42:34):
Well, yeah, like I know, I was terrible at it.

Speaker 2 (42:36):
I'm not going to bro what if that was the
one thing that that Elizabeth actually She's like, actually I am,
that's the.

Speaker 5 (42:42):
One thing I actually.

Speaker 3 (42:44):
You guys, so you're saying.

Speaker 2 (42:47):
That you couldn't you weren't You said that you kind
of burned out of that too. You just did just thing.

Speaker 5 (42:52):
Well, it was just like writing like eighty thousand words
a month and.

Speaker 3 (42:58):
On a random thing just to get to choose did
you get to choose your like, oh, I'll take that one.

Speaker 4 (43:05):
Not really like I had to. I had to write
pitches for all of these jobs.

Speaker 2 (43:10):
Take what you could get sort of thing.

Speaker 4 (43:11):
Yeah, okay, so and the pitches were like I'd spend
like an hour or two writing a pitch and obviously
I'm not getting paid to write the pitch for the job.

Speaker 5 (43:21):
So and then the job little Yeah.

Speaker 4 (43:24):
So I was basically burning myself out working like I
don't know, ninety hundred hours a week just to.

Speaker 5 (43:29):
Get these oh that sounds delable projects.

Speaker 4 (43:32):
Then, so at that point I was like, you know what,
I'm kind of not really like I I've always done
a lot of writing in my life, but not that much.
And I was like, you know what, let's just go
to grad school because that sounds more chill.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
Than when I do When the when the when the
job at the machine shop starts sounding good again, You're like, maybe.

Speaker 5 (43:54):
No, that's actually like that's kind of what happened. I realized.
I was like, you know what, I missed the where
I just clock in and.

Speaker 2 (44:01):
Then they have to pay me, right, the bare thing
to like, how many times could you say and then
he ripped her shirt off.

Speaker 3 (44:10):
Yeah right, you could say it a lot of times, dude.
It's I've read a couple of those books. It's yeah,
it's those books are awesome?

Speaker 2 (44:20):
How many times? How many times? Bosom?

Speaker 3 (44:24):
Yeah, I love a good grocery store.

Speaker 2 (44:28):
Like on the line, the sci fi ones get real weird, Joe,
I know, yeah.

Speaker 3 (44:34):
I love it's there's some fun ones out there, dude, Like,
it's are there choosing your own adventure? I think that's what.
That's what the fucking that's what. That's what the romance
novels need is to choose your own adventure aspect.

Speaker 2 (44:49):
Do you remember those's? He looked confused, from okay, just
making sure.

Speaker 5 (44:53):
No, I'm tracking.

Speaker 3 (44:55):
Yeah, like they were before your time, but she is
a wait, they still make it.

Speaker 4 (45:02):
Well, I don't know if they were still publishing them,
but they were still in the school library.

Speaker 3 (45:06):
Yeah, it's like they were made before your time. But
you seem like someone that's hip to the fucking chooser
an adventure game. Like it's like I was gonna if
you made me choose Elizabeth Sagine. Does she have Trindon
wrote a parenting there's in her name? You know what?
It's a silent G. I thought there was a silent G.

(45:28):
Did I say, Elizabeth? Sorry, I've been trinking a little
Japanese can Google looking up my name Elizabeth Cilin. If
you have a child and wrote a parenting book or
read and no Chooser and adventure novels, I'm like, I'm
gonna go with the latter, mm hmm, but like, what

(45:51):
is actually true is they're both fucking troupe. She doesn't
have children, didn't write a parent didn't write a parenting novel.
I had nothing to do, no parents, no writing, did
not except we didn't.

Speaker 2 (46:08):
She never wrote a thing except for some notes at
the machine shop.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
So you've written other people's books. Have you thought about
writing your own?

Speaker 4 (46:17):
Yeah, I've I've I started writing novels when I was fourteen,
and I've written about almost every year since then.

Speaker 2 (46:25):
You're a big nano remo person.

Speaker 3 (46:26):
Yeah, what says with your own? Are you doing this
with your own name? Do you have a pen name?
Are we?

Speaker 5 (46:34):
Well? I haven't published them. Most of them suck.

Speaker 2 (46:39):
Oh.

Speaker 5 (46:40):
I've had a couple that were judge.

Speaker 3 (46:42):
Are you the judge? Was the judge? Other people read
them and were like, this is not good.

Speaker 4 (46:48):
I mean, I fancied myself a brilliant unicorn slash genius
when I wrote my first one at fourteen I passed
it around all my friends and.

Speaker 5 (46:54):
They were like, yeah, it correctly.

Speaker 2 (46:58):
Fourteen year olds really just want to read. They're just like, yeah,
that's what we want to do.

Speaker 3 (47:02):
Yeah, I'm jealous, Eliab. That's why they were like, man,
that's great.

Speaker 2 (47:08):
You you're doing fiction. Yeah, what's what's your preferred preferred
uh like uh storytelling style? Like what do we were
we going into adventure? We're doing like drama, were doing
some some old detective novels, some.

Speaker 5 (47:25):
Noir, probably rom coms.

Speaker 2 (47:28):
O fun.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
Yes, I want to. Can I read Elizabeth Seline's fourteen
year old You rom com?

Speaker 2 (47:38):
No? No, not only that I need I just Joe
is also going to do.

Speaker 3 (47:42):
The all hold on, hold on, hold on. Could you
at least give us the title?

Speaker 5 (47:47):
Well know, if I ever named it, it's like in
a couple of different notebooks.

Speaker 3 (47:50):
I still have it.

Speaker 5 (47:52):
I I it's handwritten.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
Can you trust this with a guy like me that
you just met each other now a few times? It's
not like just now on zoom, I'm like this creepy
like it's like the hey, you want to see something
and like you pull out the penis guy like on zoom,
Like it's like it's zoom.

Speaker 2 (48:13):
That's a that that was or there's another one is
what happens?

Speaker 4 (48:21):
I have done a couple of well, one job interview
specifically where this guy he wanted me to help him
research his book about autism or whatever, and we got
on Skype.

Speaker 2 (48:31):
Were they were?

Speaker 5 (48:32):
They?

Speaker 2 (48:32):
Were they an open micer from the twin space.

Speaker 5 (48:35):
No, he was just some guy on Craigslist, which is incorrectly.

Speaker 3 (48:42):
Pretty much the same thing.

Speaker 2 (48:44):
It's pretty close.

Speaker 3 (48:47):
Creepy guy, an open mic random guy on Craigslist.

Speaker 5 (48:50):
Right, the list is the open mic scene of the Internet.

Speaker 3 (48:56):
Yes, we're not comedians.

Speaker 5 (48:58):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (48:59):
So he he wouldn't turn his camera on, but he
had his, or he made me turn mine on.

Speaker 5 (49:04):
He kept telling me to turn like tilt my camera down.

Speaker 4 (49:07):
Yeah, and and I thought, oh, maybe my face just
isn't like framed.

Speaker 5 (49:12):
So I did a little bit.

Speaker 4 (49:13):
He's like, no more, and I was like, no, I
don't think.

Speaker 5 (49:18):
This is a real job interview.

Speaker 3 (49:21):
Wow, that's a great That is kind of like, uh,
A next level way to jerk off to somebody is
to have you go on and you put a whole
post about how you're doing research for an a book
about autism. It's like a legitimate thing that you just

(49:41):
need help with. And then yeah, I need you to
turn your camera on. My camera doesn't work for yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (49:47):
Yeah, yeah, my camera doesn't work.

Speaker 3 (49:49):
Yeah, that's it's funny. You mentioned my camera. It just
stop working. Oh it's not working.

Speaker 2 (49:55):
Oh let me try my microphone's a little gonna be
a little in and out.

Speaker 3 (49:59):
Yeah, well, I I try to fix my camera. Why
don't you move your camera down a little bit?

Speaker 2 (50:04):
That's that that makes me feel icky. I'm sorry you
had to deal with that.

Speaker 3 (50:08):
All right. First off, you should feel icky. Secondly, our
gender has been doing disgusting ship like that. It's it's
pre Internet since Alley Ways.

Speaker 2 (50:23):
What the mirrors on shoes?

Speaker 3 (50:24):
Yeah, yes, I'd like it's And also I do have
to say there are disgusting females out there. You girls
aren't fucking perfect. There's a bunch of lady right there.

Speaker 5 (50:38):
That's the line from Kate Willet.

Speaker 3 (50:39):
I gets that.

Speaker 4 (50:42):
Oh Kate Willet has this bit about the glass gutter.

Speaker 5 (50:45):
Oh that's great.

Speaker 2 (50:47):
No, I like it. Good work. I love the You know,
you go be sick sexual predators out there, you need
to be.

Speaker 4 (50:55):
There are quality women can also pass out in more places.

Speaker 3 (51:01):
That's her bit, the black Widows. They're out there, dude,
the praying fantasies.

Speaker 2 (51:10):
So after, so you're you're going back to grad school.
Where did you go after? Like kind of you you're
like you're done writing. You had to go back to
a nine to five or at least just something where
you're getting paid.

Speaker 5 (51:22):
Yeah. So I I signed up for grad school full
time and I did that. I worked. I did catering
part time. Uh so it was corporate catering.

Speaker 4 (51:35):
So I was at uh the cargill in Why is
that a Minnetonka doesn't matter.

Speaker 3 (51:45):
You're serving the movers and shakers of industry, the titans
of industry.

Speaker 2 (51:51):
Yeah, that's that's where you pitch your book.

Speaker 3 (51:54):
Just like actually need name, elizabeths.

Speaker 5 (51:58):
I'm going to pitch them my.

Speaker 3 (52:00):
You can't just like hand them champagne and like, hey,
do you want to read my notebook?

Speaker 5 (52:05):
You're just like, we work in the beef industry.

Speaker 3 (52:09):
It's about I could write about beef? How many how
many words do you need?

Speaker 2 (52:15):
Ground can meat rattle? So you're you so you're so
you were catering for like these like for like Big agg.

Speaker 5 (52:27):
Yeah, yeah, like like these corporate books. It was a
pretty fun gig. It wasn't too bad.

Speaker 3 (52:34):
Catering is super fun.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
It's pretty stress free in comparison to like actual restaurant work.

Speaker 4 (52:40):
Yes, yeah, I didn't really have to take orders or
remember stuff. It was just setting up the buffet lines
and then making sure everything stocked.

Speaker 2 (52:47):
Putting in a guard. Yeah, no, that's I just do
that sometimes. Just keep going.

Speaker 3 (52:54):
Oh, tell me to put my camera.

Speaker 8 (52:57):
Down, man, hold on, ah, I need to lower my
Camera's not working, raffle.

Speaker 5 (53:10):
No one asked you to lower yourn.

Speaker 3 (53:12):
Yeah, you can't send me ramble without Matt Turner's camera
for a couple of minutes.

Speaker 2 (53:16):
I don't know what about you did it again?

Speaker 3 (53:23):
I met this host on Craigslist. That's what I get
for craigslist.

Speaker 2 (53:29):
Craigslist podcast. I was saying, so, Elizabeth, Yeah, I know
you've gone through a lot of your jobs you've had.
You've definitely had one of the more interesting.

Speaker 3 (53:38):
Have we gotten through a decent amount? You have a
bunch more.

Speaker 4 (53:41):
I mean that's kind of the highlight reel Accord Legal Logistics,
which is a pretty boring gig.

Speaker 5 (53:48):
I mean, it's it's fine.

Speaker 2 (53:50):
You want to describe your job.

Speaker 5 (53:52):
Yeah, I mean, I answer a lot of emails. I
call people, I say hey, can you do your job?
And then they tell me yes, I can because it's
their job to do their talk.

Speaker 3 (54:01):
Get a lot of emails from Derek Shauvin let me out.

Speaker 4 (54:05):
Oh yeah, yeah, I mean, my department didn't handle that case.

Speaker 3 (54:09):
But well you were close.

Speaker 5 (54:12):
I actually don't know.

Speaker 4 (54:14):
It's it's not outside of the realm of possibility, okay,
out of state departments.

Speaker 5 (54:18):
So I don't.

Speaker 2 (54:19):
Personally, Well, then we can't. We can't. We can't ask
her any more question some real nda ship like She's like,
I did not prosecute so and so.

Speaker 4 (54:31):
Yeah, to be fair, if I had information on that,
which I don't, but if I did, I wouldn't be
able to talk about there's a.

Speaker 2 (54:39):
Certain there's a certain there's a certain confidentiality that goes
with That's okay. For the sake of time, we'll go
into our next segment, Elizabeth, But before we do, quick
question for you, Elizabeth Celine, how would you define a
Karen m.

Speaker 5 (54:58):
Someone who's very intensely entitled and angry and needs to
speak to the manager.

Speaker 2 (55:06):
That's fair, that's fair, Well, Elizabeth, we don't just exist
to talk about the jobs, the cargills, the ghostwriting, and
all that. No, we also exist to battle the scourge
that is known as Karen's and it's a segment where
we look at different Yelp reviews, Google reviews, Facebook reviews,
sometimes their tweets or handwritten notes in a segment we

(55:28):
call the Karen of the Week.

Speaker 3 (55:32):
This is Karen. I'm your boss. Oh my god, my god, Karen,
I'm oh my god, Karen.

Speaker 2 (56:00):
Each and every week, Fella contributor, former Third Mic and
general saint of a human being, Rebecca Wilson dramatically re
enacts one of these Karen complaints. And here's Rebecca with
the Karen of the wehek Editor's note, There's been some
things going on in the life of Matt Dome that's

(56:22):
made it a little difficult for me to be able
to get the Karens in to Rebecca in a timely manner,
So this one is on me. Hopefully we'll be able
to get this figured out, and this will only be
out for the first few days before we can get
this taken care of them. This is not on Rebecca,
this is on Matt. So enjoy my version of the

(56:45):
Karen of the Week. So one star review for bison
Witch's Bar and Deli served me and my party of
four three fourth of us got alcohol poisoning from bad
to quila. Pretty sure, Pretty sure it was done on purpose,
as all of us were celebrating. All of us were

(57:06):
celebrating a pride event and were dressed accordingly, being called
the liar is the cherry on top. We only had
two drinks. Allies are not. I stand by my statement.

Speaker 3 (57:18):
All right, hold on, uh from bad tequila?

Speaker 2 (57:22):
From bad tequila? Three fourths of the people got sick
from bad.

Speaker 3 (57:28):
I googled, I googled, can you can you get alcohol
poisoning from bad tequila? No, bad tequila does not call
alcohol cause alcohol poisoning, but you can get an upset
stomach and nausea. Alcohol poisoning occurs when someone drinks too
much alcohol in a short period of time. So, uh,
you couldn't. Alcohol poisoning doesn't exist from bad alcohol. I'm

(57:51):
assuming that it came from whatever that Bison Witches serves
from its bison kitchen.

Speaker 2 (57:59):
But they didn't. They didn't have any food.

Speaker 3 (58:03):
Well, then maybe it's just because they're gay. They got
they got they got gay poisoning like they got it's yeah,
they were just hanging around with too many Again, it's
heterosexual environment.

Speaker 2 (58:13):
It was like there was so much Nascar, so dumb.
I don't know, but the promise is you can't. You
can't get poisoned from old tequila. It would just be gnarly.
It was weird, Like, I don't know, you're not a
big drinker, and I've never really known you to be
a big drinker, Liz, I don't.

Speaker 5 (58:28):
I don't drink a ton and not much tequila, so
I don't know if this is I feel like you
need more information.

Speaker 2 (58:35):
Yeah, you can't, you take it.

Speaker 3 (58:37):
I'm research and development. I googled is bad tequila a thing?
Like it's you wouldn't get alcohol poison it would just
be alcohol poisoning is literally drinking too much. You get
from drinking too much.

Speaker 2 (58:49):
And you get it from drinking too much tequila.

Speaker 3 (58:52):
But if I think, if an alcohol is bad, you're
not poisoned by the alcohol. The alcohol is already poisoned.
You can't double poison yourself.

Speaker 4 (59:04):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I would need to know how
much they drank.

Speaker 3 (59:09):
But regardless they had Like are you really coming at
them with like you poisoned me with I know you
poisoned me with bad alcohol that you knew that was
bad because we were a big group of gay people
at a Pride event and you hate gays here at
the Bison Witches by Bison Witches hates.

Speaker 2 (59:35):
It's like, to answer your question, they only had two drinks.

Speaker 5 (59:38):
Oh, they only had two.

Speaker 2 (59:39):
Yeah, according to the Google review. And it's again but
to me that the ridiculousness of this is the fact
that they're trying to accuse a place of poisoning them
with tequila. Like legitimately, is this a chain?

Speaker 3 (59:54):
There's like a bunch of Uh, it's like original change
one in there, one in our Arizona, there's one in Lincoln, Nebraska.
There's one in Norman, Oklahoma.

Speaker 2 (01:00:05):
So it is a chain.

Speaker 3 (01:00:06):
There's three, No, there's just three.

Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
This doesn't have a this doesn't have a location on it.

Speaker 3 (01:00:11):
But so, which one do you think that is the least?

Speaker 2 (01:00:15):
Maybe maybe a friendly city. We can figure this out, Joe,
because here's the thing, Uh, Elizabeth, I don't know if
you know about this new phenomenon that restaurant owners are doing.
Yes at ridiculous yelp reviews.

Speaker 3 (01:00:33):
This is my favorite part, Like Yelp used to be
this one way street where these stupid shitty customers not
to just say.

Speaker 9 (01:00:42):
It was so cold in the restaurant and I asked
them to turn the heat up and they didn't like
one star like fuck you. Now now where we've reached
an age of yelping, where they the restaurant owners are like,
fuck this ship.

Speaker 3 (01:00:57):
We are gonna send one. We gottaons we have a retort.

Speaker 2 (01:01:01):
Yes, and this is from the owner of Bison Witch's
Bar and Deli. Okay, and it's this week's clapback of
the day.

Speaker 3 (01:01:10):
Hold on, it's a Bison Witches Bar and Deli.

Speaker 2 (01:01:12):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:01:13):
All right, God takes out the Tucson, Arizona one because
that's just a Bison Witches So now this is only Norman,
Oklahoma or Lincoln, Nebraska.

Speaker 2 (01:01:20):
All right, right, continue, It is unfortunate that your party
got sick the day you visited our restaurant. However, I
can assure you that there is not an expiration date
on tequila. There is no such thing as bad tequila. Secondly,
we consider ourselves the most diverse, welcoming, non judgmental restaurant

(01:01:43):
bar in Norman.

Speaker 3 (01:01:44):
Boom. All right, here we go.

Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
We volunteer and provide resources to Norman Pride and its
annual Pride Festival and parade. The claims about our restaurant
and services don't add up. If you'd like to discuss
this further, you can reach out to the owner.

Speaker 3 (01:02:01):
Okay, I will, I will say they are they look like,
I'll send you the thing. The bread bull soups. They
don't cut a big circle. They cut They cut a
wedge so it looks like a big vad.

Speaker 2 (01:02:12):
It's done subway.

Speaker 3 (01:02:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's cut some way style. Yeah, it's.

Speaker 2 (01:02:17):
Jesus. But I do love that. I do. I think
that more owners. Again, we've been doing that a lot
of We've been finding a lot morecks. We've been doing
this podcast for six years and like the Clapbax didn't exist, Yeah,
and we love it.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
It's it's one of my favorite things of the show.
I like, I love when they they talk about like
I went and looked back at the tape at the
security cameras of your party, like it's.

Speaker 2 (01:02:45):
Yeah, it's my favorite. Was just the go Funk yourself
ones or the co oh Yeah, it's there's been a
couple like they're like one it says go kill yourself
like it was like it was one of the best.
This one was actually pretty this one was pretty respectful
compared to some of them that we've seen. But much like, oh,
go ahead.

Speaker 5 (01:03:02):
Oh, I'm looking at the reviews for this place and
they're mostly good reviews.

Speaker 2 (01:03:06):
Yeah, it just takes. All it takes is unfortunately, one
person to kind of ruin the ruin the vibe.

Speaker 3 (01:03:11):
You know, well, I mean, what is the taste of
Are there many foodies in Norman, Oklahoma?

Speaker 2 (01:03:17):
Well, remember we've already established that.

Speaker 3 (01:03:19):
Food Everyone in Norman was a foodie because they consume food.

Speaker 5 (01:03:25):
That's yeah, but my definition.

Speaker 2 (01:03:27):
Yeah, so much like thinking you're gonna get poisoning from
old tequila. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, gee, why
did it fail?

Speaker 10 (01:03:39):
Everything was squared away, everything was squar away.

Speaker 5 (01:03:44):
I thought I was here to stay.

Speaker 3 (01:03:45):
I thought I'm here to stay.

Speaker 2 (01:03:47):
Now I have to figure out why do you?

Speaker 3 (01:03:49):
Why did it.

Speaker 6 (01:03:53):
All?

Speaker 3 (01:03:53):
Right?

Speaker 2 (01:03:53):
Elizabeth? Do you wanted it fail? As a segment where
we look at different Oh this.

Speaker 3 (01:03:57):
Is anyway my fingers crossed.

Speaker 5 (01:04:01):
H W.

Speaker 2 (01:04:02):
We look at different businesses, we look at different menu items,
and as we've moved to the internet, it's commercials and Joe,
I'm sorry to say that this is the last, the
last one, I swear.

Speaker 3 (01:04:14):
Oh I saw okay. I was keeping my fingers crossed
the hope, but it wasn't what I thought it was.

Speaker 2 (01:04:19):
But it is the last one.

Speaker 3 (01:04:20):
All right? All right? Should I? Should I twist him up?

Speaker 2 (01:04:23):
You should twist up that? Twist up? Everybody. We are
visiting our favorite sixties corporate mascot, the free To Bandito.
All right, eighteen sixties Fredo of Fredo Lay from the
Freeto Chips had a mascot that was a guy who

(01:04:43):
looked like he fought against the Texans at the Alamo.

Speaker 3 (01:04:47):
Yeah, this is some This is some Mexican American war
Front like cavalry guy. He is a cartoon.

Speaker 2 (01:04:54):
He's got a bandelier and he uh has a real donkey. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
That's my favorite part, is the real donkey.

Speaker 2 (01:05:01):
Oh. Then you're not gonna like this one. No, my
favorite This is the origins, the origins of the Freedom Bandido.

Speaker 3 (01:05:08):
Oh, this is a prequel to this.

Speaker 2 (01:05:10):
This is the og Friedo Bandido and it's this week's
whoa why did it fail?

Speaker 7 (01:05:20):
I heard you want to be Fritto Bandido like me?
You don't then you must sing the Bandido song. Let's
sing together. You just follow the bouncing Fritto scnscips bag a.

Speaker 1 (01:05:32):
Yay yay yea.

Speaker 7 (01:05:35):
I am the Fritto Bandido.

Speaker 3 (01:05:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:05:38):
I like Fritto scornchips.

Speaker 10 (01:05:40):
I love them.

Speaker 7 (01:05:40):
I do I want Britto s conchips.

Speaker 2 (01:05:43):
I'll get them from you.

Speaker 1 (01:05:45):
I yi yai yay oh.

Speaker 7 (01:05:48):
I am Fritto Bandito. Give me Brictos conchip scene. I'll
be your friend, the Fritto Bandido. You must not up thing.

Speaker 2 (01:05:59):
So so to clarify to our listeners who haven't heard
our previous episodes and to Elizabeth who this character is,
the Freeto Bandito is known to steal your chips, but.

Speaker 3 (01:06:12):
This is the origin story. He wasn't. He was like, uh,
you'll get I'm gonna take them from you, but he wasn't.
He takes them at gunpoint, Elizabeth. That is my problem
with the Freedo Bandido.

Speaker 2 (01:06:23):
As you notice, he's got the two six shooters right
here and the bandolier. He's got a lot of bullets too.
He's ready to go it.

Speaker 3 (01:06:32):
This is a part of American history that.

Speaker 2 (01:06:35):
We should definitely be ashamed of.

Speaker 3 (01:06:37):
That we should definitely be and could could we all right.
I love where we're going, and we have a long
way to go, But have we really come very far
from the freedo fucking bandido. That's what I'm like, That's
that's what makes me so fucking sad about this man.

Speaker 2 (01:06:55):
Yeah, I know, so there's still more of it. Let's
finish around.

Speaker 3 (01:06:59):
I know there's like three more verses.

Speaker 2 (01:07:01):
No, it's it's not that we do have another fourteen seconds.

Speaker 3 (01:07:04):
Let's let's go now.

Speaker 7 (01:07:05):
Bun and girls, you are fritto bandidos. Do you sing
the Fritto bandido song and you look over crunchy.

Speaker 2 (01:07:12):
Fritos corn cheeps.

Speaker 7 (01:07:14):
That's nice, munch, munch munch a bunch of friitos corn chy.

Speaker 2 (01:07:19):
I just love that.

Speaker 3 (01:07:20):
I heard these little kids walking around the house in
the sixties like hey, mom, like I am a freedo
bandido and it's like, no, no, your name is Sarah,
you live.

Speaker 5 (01:07:33):
In fucking stop doing the accident, doing the accent.

Speaker 3 (01:07:38):
Where did you learn this accent? There's no.

Speaker 2 (01:07:42):
Just I love. I love that when he says loco,
his tongue is sticking out.

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
And the and the curls up. Did There's sometimes I'm
like doing dishes and I get the Friedo Bandido song
stuck in my head in the shower. Sometimes I'm in
traffic and there's like a commercial on the AM sports
radio and I start singing the Freedo band Thank god,
we are done with this ship. Yeah, I like done

(01:08:08):
for now as America was.

Speaker 2 (01:08:10):
Really there's more of these commercials, but I might bring
it up on more of an ac sort of thing.
This is not We're gonna quit subjecting our quit subjecting
our guests to the.

Speaker 3 (01:08:21):
I would actually love I would love it if if
Freedo lay was like, you know what we're doing, We're
gonna bring back the Bandido less racism. He only speaks
in Spanish and like and they fucking do fucking subtitles.
I could see them leaning back into the Bandido, not bandoliers,

(01:08:43):
no sombrero.

Speaker 2 (01:08:45):
But like what you do it is it has to be.
Do you remember King of the Hill, Like George.

Speaker 3 (01:08:50):
Lopez plays the Bandido.

Speaker 2 (01:08:52):
But do you remember do you remember King of the Hill?

Speaker 6 (01:08:54):
Right?

Speaker 3 (01:08:54):
I remember.

Speaker 2 (01:08:57):
Because Monsignor Montez, who is like the killer priest, cool
Action star. That's what you do, go cool Action star.

Speaker 3 (01:09:06):
You could, you could, you could, or you could bring
back the Pandito perfectly the way it was, but.

Speaker 2 (01:09:13):
Just ruining my childhood by changing the bandido.

Speaker 3 (01:09:19):
There's still people that know the Bandino. They're still alive,
that generation.

Speaker 2 (01:09:25):
Our politicians, right, that's what That's why they wanted to
build that wall. They're like the guys trying to steal
our chips.

Speaker 3 (01:09:33):
We put an age limit on these commercials, and we
haven't put an age limit on them, right.

Speaker 5 (01:09:37):
I mean, do you see how they melted down over
the green eminem?

Speaker 2 (01:09:42):
To be fair, that is a very sexy piece of candy.

Speaker 3 (01:09:44):
I mean I do miss the original brown eminem, the
good though light brown. That was an awesome color.

Speaker 2 (01:09:52):
They stop that exists. Yeah, racist racism is why it's.

Speaker 3 (01:09:59):
It's candy racism.

Speaker 2 (01:10:02):
Actually, candy racism is was one of the characters in
Elizabeth's romance novels.

Speaker 3 (01:10:07):
Yeah, it's like have you are you still put are
you still pumping out on a year? No?

Speaker 2 (01:10:11):
No, she's done with those, She's done with the romance,
she's done with the erotic novel. She's still like to
the ones that she.

Speaker 3 (01:10:18):
Was doing on her own.

Speaker 4 (01:10:20):
Yeah, I did some of man I didn't this past
year because I was doing more comedy.

Speaker 2 (01:10:25):
She was killing it.

Speaker 3 (01:10:27):
You were doing real life romance stuff. You're like living it.

Speaker 5 (01:10:32):
Doing real life unromantic things.

Speaker 2 (01:10:35):
Oh nice, Yeah, mostly just uh just like you get
away from me.

Speaker 3 (01:10:42):
A lot of skip tracing, a lot of greenhousing.

Speaker 2 (01:10:47):
Yeah, so this has been a Have you.

Speaker 3 (01:10:49):
Ever wanted to like get by now that you've done
a little skip tracing, have you thought of, like, do
you do you now that you know like the ins
and outs? Have you kind of skipped traced a few exes?
Like you like like somebody wrongs you. You're like, I'm
gonna skip trace the ship out of you now, Like

(01:11:11):
I mean, I don't don't cut me off in traffic.
All I need is your fucking license plate and I'm
gonna wreck you. I'm gonna swat what a swat team
in your fucking house is.

Speaker 4 (01:11:21):
It's a lot of database searches that I don't have
access to anymore.

Speaker 3 (01:11:25):
Oh okay, you didn't save it still happen, Like I
could still get into the database and fuck you man,
like I'll find you.

Speaker 5 (01:11:34):
But I mean, I'm not above like Facebook stocking people.
I'm no seed too. I just like to know people's business.

Speaker 2 (01:11:40):
So, by the way, you need to get that.

Speaker 3 (01:11:43):
But I think that I think a little Facebook stocking.
She deserves awful conversation guest appearance. I would love to hear.

Speaker 2 (01:11:51):
About that's a whole other episode.

Speaker 3 (01:11:53):
Yeah, I would love to hear about your like Facebook's
Facebook skip tracing, Like, yeah, that sounds delightful.

Speaker 2 (01:12:02):
As he's like, Joe, you're gonna needed to get that
mold taken care of.

Speaker 3 (01:12:05):
How did you know You're like, Oh my god, one
Instagram post from eight years ago.

Speaker 2 (01:12:11):
Oh that's a regular.

Speaker 3 (01:12:14):
So uh so, Yeah, this has been absolutely delightful.

Speaker 2 (01:12:17):
But you do have one last segment for you, Elizabeth,
and it's called Human Yell Reviews. There's no song for
this one. Human Yell Reviews is a segment where you,
Elizabeth Celine, you get to review the podcast. You can
either review Joe and myself individually or the podcast as
a whole. You can use a five star metric or
as many stars as you'd like, and whatever you'd like

(01:12:39):
to start.

Speaker 4 (01:12:40):
Okay, well, I think between meat raffle and the mustache twirl,
I'm giving that a solid seven point nine out of eight.
And uh, Matt, I think I think you did.

Speaker 5 (01:12:57):
You did a fantastic job of keeping everything on.

Speaker 2 (01:13:00):
That's my job that is my job.

Speaker 5 (01:13:03):
Yeah, I can see I can see you.

Speaker 2 (01:13:05):
Who does I'm the engineer and Joe is the guy
who's trying to rob the train.

Speaker 3 (01:13:09):
R and D dude, R and D research robbery development.

Speaker 5 (01:13:16):
So I'm gonna I'm going to give you an eight
out of eight for that. I feel like, uh, actually,
you know what, you know what with that metaphor of
mind the engineer and the train Robert, I feel like
you guys are both solid eights out of eight. I
don't know why I'm rating you out of eight, but
I tell you both fulfilled your roles.

Speaker 3 (01:13:32):
I think, yeah, I appreciate it's my jo is my
best friend and my foil at the same time.

Speaker 2 (01:13:40):
Like, bro, we don't kiss each other off real easily.
It's great. I just have to bring up the Freedom
Bandido and he just starts crying.

Speaker 3 (01:13:50):
It's a whole dude, I like, I like, I can't
shower enough to shower off the bandidomercials.

Speaker 5 (01:13:57):
And also Fredo's like aren't even that good.

Speaker 3 (01:14:00):
That's why they needed the Bandito to like drum it up.

Speaker 2 (01:14:03):
Like, look at the nineteen sixties when that was still
like that corn ship was still a new thing to Americans.

Speaker 3 (01:14:09):
They were putting it on their fucking chili. The Cowboys.
There was a lot of sales in the Cowboy.

Speaker 2 (01:14:15):
We all know about the cowboy markets.

Speaker 3 (01:14:17):
Yeah, that cowboy market was big in the sixties.

Speaker 4 (01:14:20):
I always feel like they should be spicy. Why aren't
they spy?

Speaker 2 (01:14:23):
Had a chili cheese variety. Oh okay, but those ones
they would be good, But then like you would have
heartburn for the rest of your day.

Speaker 5 (01:14:30):
M Yeah, that tracks.

Speaker 2 (01:14:32):
It wasn't even because they were spicy. It was if
they didn't have a get a bit of a kick
to it. It's just like this whatever it was made
out of, would just eat your stomach.

Speaker 7 (01:14:38):
Lining.

Speaker 3 (01:14:38):
Yes, that's the problem with this new stuff. It's this
new food everything our parents ate their grandparents and they're like, bah,
why you blah blah blah blah. We used to eat
fucking maloney sandwiches every day for fucking blah blah blah,
like every thirty years. And it's like, yeah, because the
maloney then was full four ingredients and they were all

(01:15:03):
different kinds of it was three different kinds of meats
and salt. Like that's that's what maloney was back then.
Now it's like seventy ingredients.

Speaker 4 (01:15:13):
Well it's also like just just because you don't have
your heart your heart disease diagnosed, Grandma, that doesn't mean
you don't have it.

Speaker 3 (01:15:23):
But that's the other thing is I would love I like,
I would love to get it in my seventies, and
don't you're not diagnosed, and ship if I'm not, if
I'm not on the floor pushing my life alert bracelet,
you I'm not going to a.

Speaker 2 (01:15:39):
Doctor like it's and I can't get up commercially.

Speaker 5 (01:15:44):
Yeah, I hear that.

Speaker 3 (01:15:46):
Okay, I'm just I've thought about getting them now. I
want a life alert bracelet. I want a life alert
now where it just.

Speaker 2 (01:15:54):
Yeah, but you'd end up hitting it when you've had
a few too many Jamison's guy falling. I can't. I
can't get up.

Speaker 3 (01:16:00):
I'm on the corner of forty second and Brian, how
do I get back to this second?

Speaker 2 (01:16:05):
This isn't a this isn't a cab, this isn't Google Maps.

Speaker 5 (01:16:09):
Stop calling us, ask Jeeves.

Speaker 3 (01:16:15):
I'm just like pushing the button.

Speaker 2 (01:16:16):
Yo, James, my name is Jonathan. I don't know where
you got Jeeves.

Speaker 3 (01:16:21):
Stop calling me Jeeves, dude, Like, hey, Siri, Yeah, he Sarry. Look,
every fourteen second, somebody dies. You got to stay off
this line.

Speaker 2 (01:16:32):
Bro, You literally caused eight deaths.

Speaker 3 (01:16:37):
You ever played pickleball? And it's like, get off the line.

Speaker 2 (01:16:42):
Have you ever read this book about parenting? I don't
know the person that wrote I did?

Speaker 3 (01:16:46):
All right? So was it twenty fifteen? You said, Elizabeth?

Speaker 5 (01:16:50):
Oh, probably around then, yeah, twenty.

Speaker 3 (01:16:52):
Because I uh, you probably call up all the parenting
books in twenty fifteen. The Gift of Failure the Best
How the best parents learned to let go so their
children can succeed.

Speaker 5 (01:17:05):
I don't think so, are you Amazon, Kindle Unlimited?

Speaker 3 (01:17:08):
Oh no, I was just I was on just a
website of We're gonna hold Can we have a joke?

Speaker 4 (01:17:13):
It wasn't making any bestseller lists for sure. It's not
gonna be something that anyone's heard of.

Speaker 3 (01:17:19):
The opposite of spoiled. I'm just throwing out books like like.

Speaker 2 (01:17:24):
Did you not? Did you even get to name them?

Speaker 5 (01:17:26):
Did you no?

Speaker 4 (01:17:28):
But they they gave me a title and then they
said write the book.

Speaker 2 (01:17:35):
It's like a joke where you get the punchline first
and you have to figure out to set up.

Speaker 4 (01:17:39):
Yeah, so i'd write an outline and then for that
one specifically, I wrote the outline.

Speaker 5 (01:17:43):
I sent it to him and he's like, no, that's
not what I meant. Try again, And also.

Speaker 2 (01:17:47):
We can you put your camera lower when we're talking.

Speaker 3 (01:17:49):
Yeah, well, listeners, I am gonna skip trace. I want
to reverse skip trace in the book, he wrote, just
give me you give me like a sentence so that
I can put that into Google, and like, I'm gonna
find the book. I want to.

Speaker 4 (01:18:08):
I just I think I started it by by crappily
quoting the preamble to the Constitution.

Speaker 3 (01:18:16):
Yes, that's how any parent should start parenting.

Speaker 2 (01:18:22):
Work for the Trump Bible, so it's gonna work for
me too.

Speaker 4 (01:18:25):
It was like we the parents, in order to form
a more perfect I don't know, something like that.

Speaker 2 (01:18:33):
We the mom and dads, a more perfect parenthood. Ask
not what you can do for your diaper, genie, but.

Speaker 3 (01:18:41):
What legs could do for your country. Like it's like.

Speaker 2 (01:18:47):
Just to start quoting, Like it's like I have a dream,
it's all weird famous speeches.

Speaker 3 (01:18:52):
It's yes, it's.

Speaker 2 (01:18:55):
So Elizabeth and Pampas in every three gar bars in
like's like, all right, all right.

Speaker 5 (01:19:04):
You're gonna have to skip trace to find me.

Speaker 3 (01:19:05):
I'm gonna. I can't wait.

Speaker 2 (01:19:07):
This is gonna be a plot, like he's gonna, he's
gonna Colombo.

Speaker 3 (01:19:10):
I watch enough. I watched enough Rockford Files. I've watched enough. Yeah,
I love Colombo. I wanna. I'm a private investigator now
on the internet.

Speaker 2 (01:19:19):
And one more thing, Elizabeth, how do our guests? How
do our listeners follow you?

Speaker 3 (01:19:27):
How do they not follow you because you didn't do
any sort of.

Speaker 4 (01:19:32):
Yeah, so, as my payback for being creepy for all
that time, everyone should creep on me at my Instagram.

Speaker 5 (01:19:39):
H.

Speaker 3 (01:19:41):
Super low camera and Instagram.

Speaker 4 (01:19:46):
Yeah, I think it's just Elizabeth Selene. I think that's
that's it. I have a Facebook too, but only.

Speaker 3 (01:19:55):
This is the chance for you to give your plugs.
And you're like, I think it well, I think it
might be.

Speaker 5 (01:20:02):
Oh yeah, no, it's it's my first name, last name. Okay,
that's it.

Speaker 2 (01:20:07):
It's the Elizabeth Selene there is yes, all right, Okay
you need to say that.

Speaker 3 (01:20:12):
It's more confidence girl, definitely. Yeah, you can.

Speaker 4 (01:20:20):
You can find me at Elizabeth Selene on Instagram. And
I want to say something that doesn't sound confident. My
Facebook is linked, I believe, but.

Speaker 3 (01:20:31):
Don't follow her, and you're gonna just ask her to
push your camera lower.

Speaker 2 (01:20:34):
Yeah, these are great pictures.

Speaker 3 (01:20:37):
Can you just take the pictures like a little lower?

Speaker 2 (01:20:40):
Just as another part, don't don't don't DM Elizabeth Selene,
I'm not speaking to a specific person. When I fucking
say this, I'm not speaking to one specific person.

Speaker 5 (01:20:53):
Don't help me to book me?

Speaker 2 (01:20:55):
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah for booking inquiries, yes, for other inquiries.
Just save it. You have a part with you. Aren't
you working with NonStop Comedy? Next Up? That's a different let's.

Speaker 3 (01:21:08):
Try that again, Elizabeth. Are you working with Next Stop Comedy?

Speaker 5 (01:21:13):
I am, Yeah, I'm one of the showrunners for Next
Stop and oyeah.

Speaker 3 (01:21:19):
Next Up is an awesome comedy group when you say
it correctly.

Speaker 4 (01:21:23):
Yeah, yeah, they're out of Boston Comedy Club. They run
shows all around the country. Yeah, be Angry Inch and
heavy Rotation.

Speaker 5 (01:21:34):
I believe Next Weekend so nice.

Speaker 3 (01:21:37):
That sounds fun.

Speaker 2 (01:21:38):
It's and if you have a time machine, please go
back and do it.

Speaker 3 (01:21:42):
Oh yes, oh yeah, no, oh yes, our episode will
come out next next.

Speaker 5 (01:21:49):
That's irrelevant.

Speaker 2 (01:21:51):
Get a time machine and goat. Elizabeth's gonna be a
bunch of shows that you're going to be like I said,
she's a big rising star in the scene. A lot
the people are start.

Speaker 3 (01:22:01):
Matt never says that about anybody, So that that take
that it means a lot. That should mean a lot.

Speaker 5 (01:22:07):
It's I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.

Speaker 3 (01:22:10):
I am not being sarcastic.

Speaker 2 (01:22:12):
To be fair, is Joe? That is? That is a
good like.

Speaker 3 (01:22:14):
It is the kind of my sarcastic voice. If you
get to know me more, you'll understand.

Speaker 2 (01:22:19):
My There's also if you ever want someone to do
audible for your book, please pick Joe.

Speaker 3 (01:22:25):
Oh my god, can I I would love Can I
do the voice? Can I do the audio? Uh? Parenting book? Yeah, it's.

Speaker 2 (01:22:37):
I was thinking. I was thinking the bear porn books.

Speaker 3 (01:22:41):
Yeah, you definitely want Oh yeah, I would crush bear porn.

Speaker 4 (01:22:44):
But you would make it, you would elevate it to beyond.
I'm not good at erotica.

Speaker 5 (01:22:51):
I'm very bad at it. Not a very creative.

Speaker 3 (01:22:55):
Who has been working with my Porridge?

Speaker 5 (01:22:58):
Yeah, basically.

Speaker 3 (01:23:02):
It was so awesome. And that's when it's been with
my Porridge Like it's yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:23:09):
And I caught her in my bed.

Speaker 5 (01:23:11):
I submitted that one, and they're like, I know it's
open source. But I think that's a common fairy tale.
Do you think you could reread that?

Speaker 2 (01:23:18):
Okay, so we're gonna I'm gonna find it. I'm gonna
find a family with a picnic basket.

Speaker 6 (01:23:24):
Yeah, I love Hey Yogi, hey boom boom. If you
need me, I'm gonna be over here fucking this lady.

Speaker 3 (01:23:35):
Hey boo boo, hey boom boom.

Speaker 2 (01:23:39):
Oh No, that that's that's not working for you. Okay, Uh,
it's just it's actually just pooring about the baseball performer
Yogi Bearra, the baseball player Yogi Bearra.

Speaker 3 (01:23:48):
Oh yeah, yeah, I've got a lot of quotes like
if you actually, if you reread them, they were mostly
about eating pussy. Yes, yes, it's.

Speaker 2 (01:24:00):
Gotta make sure you oil up the mitt. That's a
big thing. Joe, how do people follow you if you.

Speaker 3 (01:24:06):
Go on Instagram? It's uh, the word photographizing, that's the word.
That's the word photograph And then I Z I n G.
Because I thought that was a good idea when when
Instagram started, because it used to be pictures and that
was like the art of taking pictures was photographizing. Like yeah,
now it's it's all videos and my ship doesn't make sense,

(01:24:29):
so I'm just I need to need to change that maybe,
but uh yeah, you could uh follow me there, like
that's that's a good start, fucking start there. I got
a million shows going on. I'll be coming back from Pierre.

Speaker 5 (01:24:42):
Go.

Speaker 3 (01:24:43):
Yeah, go on there and look at all my silly cartoons.
That's that's that's that's what I'm doing now, I'm making
making silly cartoons. I can't stop. Man. How do people.

Speaker 2 (01:24:55):
Follow you usually in the grocery store? No, you can
follow me and aldi yes, they called me. Yeah they tittered.
Oh he's all the old slow carts like behind him again.

Speaker 3 (01:25:08):
They hate being behind you at all day. They just
echo you.

Speaker 2 (01:25:12):
He looks at everything, he reads, the ingredients, the fun.

Speaker 3 (01:25:17):
He buys the same ship. I'm behind this guy every
time he gets one cal zone.

Speaker 2 (01:25:21):
And he buys it and some German chocolate. Yes, all right,
well you can follow me. I am Matt Douma on
Facebook and Instagram. I am at that Matt Douma on
Blue Sky and on TikTok uh. Not on Twitter not Nope,
We're done, Nope, We're done with the tweets. I haven't
tweeted since like twenty twenty two anyway, but.

Speaker 3 (01:25:42):
Twitter is Elon's seventh baby, yes, I believe eight eighth baby. Yes.

Speaker 2 (01:25:48):
And ironically Twitter also told President Trump that he is
not the real president. But that's a whole other thing.
You could follow the podcast that's at awful service pot
across all platforms. Email us your stories at awful Service
podcast at gmail dot com.

Speaker 3 (01:26:05):
Fucking email us please, we would absolutely love. We get
emails every once in a blue mood, but like, oh
my god, Elizabeth, would you ghost would you ghost write
a couple of emails every once in a while when
you're feeling like it's like just you.

Speaker 5 (01:26:20):
Know what, what kind of emails are you looking for?

Speaker 3 (01:26:25):
There's no word count, like it's in your own words,
Like you get to make up your own ghost writer
ghost like it's mom in fucking Kalamazoo, Michigan and I
have seven children and I'm a smoker, Like it's like
all the things that you're not, Like, I'm a bear

(01:26:46):
that lives in fucking.

Speaker 2 (01:26:51):
You can find us on the web at www dot
awful Service podcast dot weely dot com.

Speaker 3 (01:26:57):
What was the forest for fucking Winnie the.

Speaker 2 (01:26:59):
Pooh The hundred Acre Woods?

Speaker 3 (01:27:01):
That's what I was trying to think of. I was like, yeah,
I'm just a pair in the.

Speaker 2 (01:27:04):
Hundred nacre woods, just trying to find some mody to
try some honey.

Speaker 3 (01:27:10):
Or fuck a girl like I don't know, like it depends,
it depends the book that I'm writing.

Speaker 2 (01:27:16):
Elizabeth, You've been delightful, absolute delight so much for doing
the podcast.

Speaker 5 (01:27:22):
Thanks for having me.

Speaker 2 (01:27:23):
And as always, I'm gonna I'm gonna need you to
just put that camera down at a little.

Speaker 3 (01:27:29):
Lower, just a little lower. You want to low lower,
there's there's yeah, I can just lower that for you
as long as you put up a fucking sneeze guard. Okay, Yeah,
it's time to count.

Speaker 10 (01:27:42):
So sweep the floors and mop the spills, say god right,
dispose up the trash and turn out the light. Tell
me why I try.

Speaker 3 (01:27:56):
And it's so damping and so lie.

Speaker 10 (01:27:58):
So we'll take my tips, my services aferen me this.
Maybe I will find a way off from now.

Speaker 3 (01:28:11):
Account my tip.

Speaker 1 (01:28:16):
And like the door, this has been a tape Deck
Media production.

Speaker 3 (01:28:36):
Thank you for listening.

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Awful Service Number One Hundred and Sixty-Eight - Elizabeth Selin

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Awful Service Number One Hundred and Sixty-Eight - Elizabeth Selin