October 27, 2025 • 38 mins
This week on The Back of the Pack Podcast, we get real about an emotion runners aren’t “supposed” to talk about: being mad at ourselves. We’re always told to “stay positive” and “don’t beat yourself up,” but sometimes frustration is the spark that finally pushes us to change. Kyle breaks down the difference between destructive self-talk and motivational anger — the kind that comes from self-respect, not self-hate. We talk about how to use that fire in a healthy way, how it can lead to better habits, and why being honest with yourself is sometimes the most powerful form of self-care. If you’ve ever looked in the mirror, at a race photo, or at your recent habits and thought, “I deserve better than this,” this episode will hit home. Anger isn’t the enemy — staying stuck is.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Hello or everyone, greeting and salutations. Welcome back to another
episode at the Back of the Pack podcast. I'm your host,
Kyle Walker. Thank you so much for tuning in. Happy
Monday to you if you were hearing this on your Monday.
I just saw this morning and first thing right off
the top, it looks like Jamaica is about to get
just annihilated with a hurricane. So I want her to
throw that out there. Man, I'm really sorry to hear
(00:33):
about that. Best of luck to everyone down there. I'm
thinking about y'all, but good grief. Hurricane Melissa sounds like
it got real angry, real quick, and so I just
wanted to put out some well wishes into the universe
and hopefully maybe maybe it misses, maybe Jamaica does okay,
but it doesn't sound great. So Jamaica, we're thinking about you.
(00:54):
Last week on the episode on the podcast, we talked
about the Garman Kansas City Marathon. That's all we talked
about last week. I did make one error and I
was really hoping no one would catch it before I
could correct it, but no, not the case. I definitely
got called out from making an error after the race
when the different various groups stayed and teered on in
that six hour celebration, as they called it. I said,
(01:16):
the Casey Smart Pacers a perfectly fine and wonderful group themselves.
I said, the Casey Smart Pacer stayed. It was the
Casey Smart Runners. I'm sorry. I know it's one of
those things like as soon as I said it, I
knew it didn't sound right, but I didn't go back
and try and figure it out or fix it. I
just was wrong. I put up the right graphic if
(01:37):
you watched the video, but I did not say the
name correctly. So Casey Smart Pacers, y'all are lovely folks.
But it was the Casey Smart Runners that I hung
out with at the finish line festival that really stayed
late to get all of those last runners in, and
so big shout out and credit to them as I
messed them up last week, which hey, not perfect, never
(01:57):
claimed to be, not gonna be. If perfect and is
what you're looking for, you are not going to find
it here, definitely not. Next up, A big congratulations to
everyone who just wrapped up and finished the Marine Corps Marathon.
The fiftieth running is in the books. Sounds like for
some folks, and in some situations it was an absolute mess,
(02:17):
and due to the government's shutdown, I know everything was
not a hundred percent staffed or let's say, fully operational,
or maybe one hundred percent prepared. I know they had
their struggles. I know they had their issues. I've seen
videos of some of the issues they had post race.
I heard it was kind of a bit of a
pardon my French ear, MUFS kids, a shit show even
(02:38):
during the race. But a lot of people I know
were up there. Everyone seemed to have finished the race,
did well, got the huge honking metals. Holy cow, those
things were massive. So hopefully enjoy those safe travels getting
back to wherever it was that you traveled from. And
I hope that the Marine Corps Marathon was as great
an experience for you as it was for me ten
(03:00):
years ago. Again, all the fomo, all the dag nabbit
that I could not be there with you this year,
but training was what it was, and I would not
have done well. I would not have done well. Would
I finished, probably, would I have beaten the bridge? Possibly?
Would I have had a good time or felt good
about myself? No, definitely not. And that is what is
(03:22):
actually going to kind of take us into today's topic,
which I'm gonna get there in a minute. I'm sorry,
I've got one more review to do. Since I did
not do Marine Corps Marathon, I did the Monster Dash
five k here local to Kansas City. Very easy race.
We've done this race before. We have done this course
several times, as other races are run here as well.
(03:44):
I had a good morning. It was finally, finally the
perfect morning for running. It was beautiful, low fifties, not
a lot of wind. It was a little humid, but
in the low fifties. Who cares. That actually kind of
cools things off a little bit. The rain held off,
it rained before the race, it rained after the race,
didn't rain during the race, which was great. And I
(04:07):
got my best five K time probably of twenty twenty
five at least definitely since summertime, since late spring summer
in the fall, best finishing time I've had in a while. Now,
I am still a person with where I feel I
should be, and I know I'm not there where I
(04:27):
feel I should be. I really want to be more
consistently sub thirty minutes for a five k. That is
what I would like. That is my hopes and my
dreams didn't happen this time as I came into thirty
minutes fifty seconds. Ah. So again I'm throwing this out
there because I always catch hell for it every time
(04:50):
I say it. Yes, this is the back of the
Pack podcast, and no sub thirty is not big at
the pick. I get that, But I am a runner
who is never going to stop trying to improve. Okay,
I have been back of the pack my whole career.
I have an average five K time. If you take
(05:11):
now one hundred and seventy five five ks, and I've
taken them all, and I have the average of my
finishing time, My average finishing time is still well over
thirty eight minutes. It's like thirty eight forty or thirty
eight thirty eight something like that. That is still my
average finishing time. So I have far more above thirty
than I do under. But I'm never a runner that's
(05:33):
gonna stop trying. I always want to try and improve.
That's not everyone, and I understand that that's great, perfectly lovely.
You have to be happy with where you are at.
I am happy constantly chasing that sub thirty, and for
some people it's chasing that sub twenty eight. For some
people it's chasing that sub twenty five, and then for
(05:55):
some people it's chasing that sub forty. I can't tell
you how long I was chasing sub forty, especially coming
back off to open heart surgeries. My times went up
up up after the surgery, after all the time away,
after all the recovery, and then as my weight went
up up up, so did my times, which is why
(06:15):
my average time is still above thirty five. It's in
the thirty eighths because of how many races I did
where I couldn't even get below forty. But I'm always chasing.
I invite you find your goal and always chase it.
And if you're perfectly happy with where you're at, then awesome,
that's spectacular. And trust me, no shade thrown. I'm glad
(06:36):
that you are, and you know, what do you think
and enjoy the heck out of it. I am constantly
chasing the sub thirty. My goal for twenty twenty six,
before I found out about the Tokyo Marathon was to
stop with all the distance running and stop with all
the halves and some foals and maybe even a lot
of the tens and focus only on my five k's
(06:58):
to try and chase that twenty five minute five k. Now,
I have to keep stretching things out because of Tokyo
on March first. And then when I get back from
Tokyo on March first, well that's the day of the race.
When I get back from that trip, shall we say,
I'm chasing knee surgery then, and that's gonna set me behind.
But I eventually am going to start focusing more on
the five k realm, less on the half marathon and
full marathon realm, and see if I can't bring it
(07:20):
down further. I would love to have a twenty five
minute five k. Could you imagine? Like how cool would
that be? Maybe I get there, maybe I don't, who knows.
But again, I'm always chasing something, So I invite you
to always chase something as well. Find what you want
to chase and go after it. And if it changes
your identity as a runner, great, So what who cares?
(07:43):
It's your identity, It's how you feel about yourself. So
if you want to chase those faster times, even though
it might mean leaving a running body kind of maybe
a little behind, do it. And you know what, any
supportive running body is going to tell you go run
your race, all right, and so get the time that
you are aiming for. You don't have to stay back
with me, all right, perfect example, I'm gonna throw her
(08:04):
right right here under the bus toom Doom, and then
I'm gonna back up and run over again to du Dum,
and then we're gonna put it right back in forward
and one more time du Dum Garment Can City Marathon
ran with Sarah. Sarah kicked my ass. She beat me
dead sinner, dead straight in the Garment Can City half marathon.
And she could have had a better time if she
(08:27):
had gone ahead of me when my struggle started. But
she was trying to be a good running buddy. She
was hanging out with me. She needed to go because
I was holding her back all right, one hundred percent.
She could have had a better finishing time, but she
stayed with me a little too long. I appreciate it,
thank you, and your company was wonderful. However, you didn't
need to do that because it cost you a better
(08:47):
half marathon time. We fast forward the next street week.
We are both at Monster Dash and so she says, hey,
I'm not staying with you this time. I'm going We're
gonna use the term balls out on this course. I said,
no problem, you do you think, girlfriend, you balls out?
You know what I'm gonna do because I had already
planned on doing it at this race. I am going
balls out as well. Why because we finally had the
(09:09):
weather I wanted, and we finally have it a course
I know. I know this course forwards, backwards and sideways.
I could because we have run it backwards before. But
I could do this course blindfolded. I know where to
dial it back, and I know where to go hard.
And so we begin the race, and again no shade thrown.
I beat her by two and a half minutes, all right.
So I didn't stay with her, she didn't stay with me.
(09:32):
I knew what I wanted to do, knew what she
wanted to do. So while she kicked my rumpus at
Garman can't see the marathon, half marathon, I beat her
at Monster Dash five k. So again, you're running buddies
interests me. It's not like she ever yelled from the back. Hey,
hold up, no, it was never any of that. Your
running buddies will want you to do what you can do.
What you want to do what you're comfortable in doing
(09:53):
and what you want to try and accomplish. That's what
your running buddies are for. So don't I ever feel
like you've got to hold up or slow up, or
stay back or stay at a certain level just to
satisfy your running buddies. And boy, how do you have?
I gone down a bunny trail today that I did
not intend to go down. No, I don't know where
any of this came from, but they're not gonna hold
you back. Your running buddies are going to tell you
(10:13):
to go forward and to get what you can into
the best that you can do, and that's what running
buddies are for. I am now going to step off
this soapbox and come back on the trail that I
meant to go down. Good lord, I don't know where
this came from, but I love it when stuff just
pops in my head. Well, let's talk about it. Why
the heck not? All right? So what we're talking about
(10:34):
is I keep seeing expressions. And we've mentioned this before,
but it was like a couple of years ago, and
I wanted to come back to this conversation because it's
really kind of affected me today especially, so you know,
I'm in the new podcast studio here and I'm still
working on trying to make things look good. Hopefully the
video quality is better now than it was the last week,
less of the screen cutting off my head and my shoulders.
(10:57):
I think it looks better. As I kind of look
over my screen here, I think we're doing better, you know,
as I'm working around and i'm fighting injury and I'm
doing runs, you know, and I did this good run
on Saturday and Monster Dash and got a not quite
the time I wanted, but I got a good time
for me. But I'm still I'm meandering around. I'm pulling
up my Fitness Pal, I'm kind of logging nutrition. I'm
looking at weight trends and measurement trends in my body.
(11:22):
I'm looking at, you know, kind of nutrition trends on
what I'm doing. And as I'm doing all this and
I'm roaming around, and even though I ran a good race, like,
I don't feel good right now. I don't feel that
I look particularly good. I don't feel like I'm at
my best weight. I'm certainly not lean right now. There's
no chance anyone's gonna call me that I just feel
(11:44):
kind of swollen and puffy. And when I do that stuff,
I get mad at myself. And when I get mad
at myself, I get mad at getting mad at myself,
because you know, hey, we're supposed to run happy. We're
supposed to to not get down on ourselves. We're supposed
to not get angry. And the more I think of
that stuff, and I know I've said this before and
I'm gonna say it again, the more I think about
(12:04):
that that way of thinking in life, I say, you know, what,
screw that. I don't always have to be happy with
where I am physically. I don't have to be happy
with my finishing times. I don't have to be happy
with my averages. I don't have to be happy with
the distances that I'm doing and how long it's taking
me to do them. I don't have to be happy.
I can if I so desire, I can be angry,
(12:28):
and it's okay to be angry at yourself. Now. I
am not outward angry angry at anyone in the running community,
not at all, not even a little bit. I do
not have the outward anger, but I think that internal anger.
Then in internal what the effort you doing, dude, like
the internal why aren't you where you want to be
or where you should be? I think that is okay,
(12:49):
and I think anger can be a healthy motivator when
used the right way. Okay, So again I have been
very frustrated with myself, and look, we're gonna stay positive here.
And this is not to beat yourself up, but sometimes
anger is the spark that pushes you to make change. Okay.
So the goal of this episode it is to explore
(13:10):
how self anger can be healthy, motivating, and productive. It
is not it is the ease, not how to be
self destructive. I will never approve of self destruction, for me,
for you, for anybody who may hear this. We are
not going to be self destructive. We're going to try
(13:32):
and make this little spark of anger into a positive thing.
So the difference between self motivated anger and self destruction.
All right, So self destructive anger, here's kind of what
it sounds like. I'm worthless, I'll never change. Why bother? Okay?
So I'm a bad runner. I can never run faster.
Why do I want to train if I'm never going
(13:53):
to run faster or if my times are always gonna suck?
Have you heard these things before, and have we talked
about And you show up to the start line already defeated,
and you're already being destructive in your anger, and so
you don't run as good a race because you're mad
and you're down on yourself and just your your whole
mindset has already taken you out of the race, right,
(14:15):
So that leads to shame spirals, quitting, avoidance, and emotional shutdown.
So the shame spiral, you show up defeated to the
start line, you're destructively angry with yourself. So what could
have been a decent race, if not your best, turns
into a bad race, And a bad race does more
(14:36):
to damage your self worth and yourself and your worth
as a runner in your own mind than just an
average race. I have average races. We have average races
all the time. That's why they're average. But when you
show up angry and when you let your anger be
self destructive and you shame spiral, then an average race
turns into a subpar race, and that does infinitely more
(14:56):
to make you feel bad that it does make you
feel good. Under the no duh category, next quitting, you
could just quit, You could get so upset with your
own personal performances that you just quit. I don't like
this sport anymore. This is not the hobby that I want.
I'm never getting any better. I suck. I'm not a
good runner. These other runners are all faster than me.
(15:17):
I'm never gonna make a podium. I'm just gonna walk away.
Well that's a bold strategy, Cotton, and I think if
you let that get into your mind, then you really
need to start taking longer looks at yourself and your
own happiness. To put the broad term on it, but
if you're really letting yourself go down those holes of quitting,
you also might be suffering some burnout. There could be
(15:40):
a little I don't know, you might be looking at
other runners and getting a little jealous, which that's not
fair to you. There's, you know, the little unfair comparison
maybe going on. So don't ever think about the quitting game.
If you're in the quitting game, then this is just
more than that little spark of anger that's motivational. This
is this is such self anger and self harm they
(16:01):
get trying to you might take yourself completely out of
something you don't want to do. That avoidance again, when
you get so angry at yourself and your performance at
the race, you might avoid doing races, you might avoid
your training runs. And if you avoid your training runs,
but then you still show up at the race day,
and then your race sucks because you've not been training
because you've avoided your training, but you still wanted to
(16:21):
go to the race. Then your race is bad. Then
again your anger is bad. Shame spiral, all these things,
they all kind of go part and parcel, they all
walk hand in hand, and then emotional shutdown. That's when
you get to the I don't care. Oh I don't care.
I ran a bad race. I don't care, Oh I
ran a good race. We I don't care. Well, I
wanted to do this race, but I'm not going to now.
(16:41):
I don't care. That emotional shutdown is not good as well.
And I know runners who do that. I'm not gonna
name names, and I'm not gonna call people out, but
I know people who have gone from passionate runners to
I don't care because maybe a couple of races didn't
go right, maybe the training didn't go right, maybe your
nutrition didn't go right, Maybe you gained few pounds and
you're feeling puffy haha like me, and now all of
(17:04):
a sudden, I don't care. You just emotionally shut down.
That's not great either, my friends. And then so often
this is tied to comparisons, as they said, perfectionism or
unrealistic expectations. Hello, unrealistic expectations. You have reared your ugly
head again, as we have discussed you before, and now
(17:25):
you are back. But yeah, comparison to other runners is bad.
All right, I'm gonna flat say it. It is bad.
If you are a podium chaser, if you are front
of the pack, if you are as fast as fast
can be. Okay, maybe you can compare yourself to your
competition to try and figure out where you can improve,
(17:45):
where you can go from that second place finish to
the first place finish. Okay, I get all that. For
ninety nine point nine percent of the people listening to
this podcast, comparisons are bad. Never compare yourself with another runner.
Don't compare yourself with your running buddies. Okay, I will
throw his name out here because I know he's not
going to carry and he knows I'm one hundred percent right,
our boy, Cody, my guy that I've run with what
(18:09):
for over two years? Are we three years that Cody
and I've been running? Aether something like that? There was
a point we were very similar runners. That point has passed.
Cody is a much better, much faster, much younger runner
than I am. I cannot and it wouldn't be fair
to me to do so, compare myself to his running
(18:32):
because he went to Chicago and was sub I know
he subbed five? Were you subed four? Cody? I don't remember.
I'm sorry you told me and I forgot. It's not
my brain right now. But hit a huge timing milestone
that I, at my age, in my fitness level, will
never accomplish. And yes, I am saying will never. But
(18:53):
I don't compare myself to him. I never have and
I never will. Well, at one point in time we
were very similar. That time has come and gone. He
is a much better runner. Okay, but I'm not going
to compare myself. I'm not gonna hold myself to the
Cody standard. I'm gonna hold myself to the Kyle standard.
That's really the only standard that I need worry about.
I don't need to worry about anyone else's standard other
(19:16):
than my own comparisons in the running world, unless you're
a podium chaser. I feel my opinion, not based in
any fact, are bad perfectionism. We're never gonna be the
perfect runner never ever. Let me just take all the
mystery out of this topic. You're never going to be
the perfect runner because none of us are. Even when
(19:36):
Kipchogi broke two hours in the full marathon, he said
there are things he could have done better, and he's
the goat, he is the man man. There's never gonna
be another Kipchogi, at least in my estimation, like there's
never gonna be another Michael Jordan in my estimation. And
even he wasn't perfect when he broke the sub two
(19:57):
hour full marathon. So perfection that's bull dinky, unrealistic expectations.
That is a little tighter of a rope to walk.
I certainly have expectations. I have things I'd like to accomplish.
Are they realistic or unrealistic? Tough to say, tough to
say at times, But I'm not holding myself to those standards.
I'm not saying I must meet this expectation or I'm
(20:20):
a failure as a runner, failure as a person. Failure
as a whatever. No, No, they just they're expectations. Yeah,
I expect someday I could run a twenty five minute
five K. I would have to train hard, I would
have to diet well. I'd have to be very nutritious.
I would have to do all the things right. I
expect I can do it. And you know what, maybe
I never do. Maybe I never hit it. Maybe I
(20:42):
hit a twenty seven something and that's as close as
I ever get. I expect I could, I expect, I
can certainly try. Might be unreasonable, but I don't know.
So that is an unrealistic, unrealistic expectation. But I'm not
holding myself to it. I'm not placing value on myself
whether I hit it or not. All right, So motivational anger,
(21:03):
I am better than this. I like that. That is
self motivating. Okay. So when I'm looking at my nutrition
today and how I feel I am better than this,
how do I know I've done it? I've been better,
I have been leaner. Again, I go back, and boy,
I wish this picture would quit popping up on my
screens and whatnot. I go back to the twenty twenty three. Yeah,
(21:26):
twenty twenty three Rock Island Half Marathon, very hot, and
the picture they take as you're going under the big
suspension bridge, good background. Man. I looked lean in that picture, man,
lean and mean, and you could see my clavicles because
I was wearing a tank top and my legs look
good and my knees didn't look swollen. Oo. I'd love
(21:48):
to see that again someday. I looked good and the
shirt that I was wearing looked too big. And then
we go back the next year, exact same spot with
the photographer. They take my picture in damn, the same
outfit and I look puffy. And that's in twenty twenty four.
Now we're past Rock Island in twenty twenty five. I
didn't do it in twenty twenty five, trust me. I
didn't need that comparison picture. But things have not gotten better.
(22:11):
But I know that I am better than where I'm
at currently because I've seen it before, okay, and so
more motivational anger. It calls out your own excuses and
demands actions when you are mad at yourself. When you're angry,
I think you're more realistic about your excuses. Yes, I
(22:31):
make excuses. I made excuses all year and I've told
you all about them. I've told you that there were
very stressful times at my house. There were things going
on that were not a lot of fun. Now, thankfully,
a lot of those situations have resolved, so I am
feeling better. Like someone actually told me this past weekend
that you just seem better now than you have been
(22:54):
for a lot of this year. Well, yeah, the probably
the biggest stresser in my life is now out of it,
thank God, Like, thank the good Lord above, things have
gotten less stressful for me. So I know I probably
appear a little more of a happier person at times,
but that stressor was not a good excuse for why
my running sucks. Now. The knee injury, that's legit and
(23:16):
it's really a thing, and it stinks, but it is
not also not preventing me from doing anything. Because my
knee hurts doesn't mean it was okay to have that
pizza the other day. Because my knee hurts doesn't mean
it's okay. Then I'm not drinking enough water, so you
gotta be real careful with that. But I can look
at this and be like, Okay, I made excuses bum
(23:39):
knee stressful situation to eat like crap to not do
the things I'm supposed to do. And so when you're
mad at yourself, you are willing to look at your
excuses a lot more closely, and then yes, it demands action.
And that's why I'm doing this episode today. That's why
I've noticed all this stuff today, and I'm really going
to start trying to turn things around today because I've
(24:00):
got so many things coming up that I need to
be right for mentally, physically, there are things coming down
the pipe. Tokyo Marathon perfect example, Redemption Race in Mississippi,
perfect example. If I don't write the ship now, then
I'm facing more disappointment down the road. And that makes
me mad. It makes me mad that I've even put
myself in this situation. It is so much easier to
(24:22):
maintain than try and catch back up. And now I'm
in ketchup mode both, you know, physically, mentally, nutritionally, all
of it. I'm in ketchup mode right now. That sucks.
Let's see, it comes from a place. All this comes
from a place of self respect, not self hate. Respect
yourself enough to do the work, respect yourself enough to
(24:44):
understand that you need to do the work to see
it in yourself to understand that you're not where you
want to be. And it's not because you're a piece
of shit. Ear most kids, it's because you just let
something slip. There's a huge difference. There's a huge difference
between Ooh, kind of let something slip or I'm a
piece of shit. They're not the same. They're not one
and the same, never have been, never will be. We
(25:04):
all slip. We all slip from time to time. Don't
hate yourself for it, right the ship, Just turn it around.
Is not that difficult. Don't three sixty one eighty, turn
back and go back the way you came. And that's
really all you gotta do. It's not that difficult. We
just make it difficult in our own freaking heads. And
this pushes you to change your habits, change your routines,
(25:24):
and change environment. Yes, so change your habits all right
for me. Don't eat like a dipshit. Quit eating stupid stuff.
You're smarter than that, you're better than that, you know better,
sab it. Okay, fine, change my routine? Yes, okay, So
I am this is terrible. I must admit I am
(25:46):
might not nothing new. I'm building it up. I am
a coffee whore. I drink way too much coffee every day,
way too much. I don't know if it's caffeine fixed
that I want, if it's just that, you know, little
moral benefit of drinking a nice hot liquid, or if
it's because habit. I think it's just become a habit
at this point when I get bored or when I
need a little something, it's just habit to make a
(26:06):
cup of coffee. Okay, Well, I needed to quit doing
that before I leave the house in the morning. Don't
make it to go cup of coffee. Grab your Java
protein shake that's already sent in the fridge. This got
that little shot of caffeine in it, and give you
a little something, and drink the protein shake in the
morning instead of one of the extra cups of coffee.
Such a small little habit and a routine that could
(26:29):
be changed, and I know I need to do it.
So now I just need to do it. Just do it, okay,
all right. Well, so when I go to work tomorrow,
because three days a week I have to go into
the office, which is ridiculous and stupid, but I will.
I'm gonna grab protein shake on the way out the door.
That's what I'm gonna do, and that's what needs to
be done. And then changing the environment, change the environment
(26:50):
and that Look, this is the tough part, and I'm
not telling you how to live your life. I would
never dare. But I know people and I know situations.
Some may pertain to me or not. We're cutting bad
issues out of your life. It can even be bad people.
Is something that needs to be done. You might have
to eliminate something or someone or some sort of relationship
(27:15):
that causes you issues in you being the better version
of yourself. All right. If you've got the group of
friends that one way you just go out for a drink.
Every time you guys go out, it has to be
like blackout drunk, Okay, you might need to cut that
out for a while. You might need to remove yourself
from some situations, and again that's just one example of
which are a million. Remove yourself from some situations so
(27:39):
that you can get yourself right and get yourself better
before maybe going back in that situation, or you might
need to alter it for long term success in your world. Again,
there's a million ways to do it, but you got
to find what works for you, all right. So one
of these Destructive anger tears you down. Motivational anger wakes
(28:00):
you up. And I like that. I like that, so
why anger can be a powerful catalyst for change. Anger
is energy. It forces movement and it disrupts comfort. Also
along these lines, anger is energy. We all know there
is energy well spent and there is energy wasted anger.
(28:21):
Negative anger is energy wasted. Motivational anger energy spent. Sometimes
positivity the en We're big in this. The positively positivity
only culture keeps people stuck because they're too gentle on themselves.
I am a gen xer. We were never gentle, So
I'm not gentle on myself and I'm not gentle on
(28:43):
a lot of other people either. All right, I firmly
believe in accountability for your actions. First, that finger points
at me before it points at anyone else. That points
at me, all right, And I have been at times
too gentle on myself. I am at times too gentle
on others. There are some people, myself included, that need
to be smacked upside the head so that they get
(29:05):
the freaking picture. I am a number one on that list.
But yes, we do have a positivity only culture. It
is not for the best. I don't like it, and
it keeps people stuck. I will go no further than that.
Anger is often the moment of truth. So a quote here,
I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of letting
(29:26):
myself down. It's time to change. Anger can be your
call to arms. It can be your call for change
if you feel it. If you feel that anger, and
if you feel that positive and that I want to change,
listen to it. Listen to it, don't ignore it, because
it is important and it can be You're not upset
because you failed. You're upset because you know you're capable
(29:48):
of more. That's positive anger right there. That's I'm still mad,
but I'm mad because I can do better. Now. It's
time to do better. It's time to do the things
I need to do to be better. And then when
anger shows you what matters, it becomes purpose. If it's
important to you, if you're mad about it, then that
is your purpose. You now have a purpose moving forward,
(30:11):
and you move forward from the anger to the purpose.
So how to use anger without letting it consume you.
I'm sorry we're going long today, but I really feel
like I stumbled upon a good topic here and I
don't want to cut it short. So how to use
anger without letting it consume you turn anger into action
with these steps? All right? Step one identify the real
trigger is the trigger? Your weight, isn't your motivation, Is
(30:33):
it your habits, your lack of discipline, your self broken promises,
or all in the above? For me, those were all
in the above. I don't like where my weight's at,
and it shouldn't be here. I don't like that my
motivation is kind of slipped because of all my excuses.
My habits are bad because of my excuses. Lack of discipline. Well,
we covered that in Abundance and then self broken promises. Yeah,
(30:56):
self broken promises, we talked about that. What are we
talking about, like, kind of the fear of starting when
we talked about when I was gonna do the Ultra
Marathon and we had that, Uh, what was it? Success paralysis?
I think we called it where you're you take on
something so big you're afraid to start the process of
preparing for it. I've got two of those in my
(31:18):
world right now, the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon and my
Redemption Marathon and the Tokyo Marathon. I need to start
now and again. It's not like I'm sitting here doing
all the wrong things, just several of them. But I
need to find that purpose of motivation now because I
have promised myself all right, talking about the self broken promises.
I promised myself redemption in Mississippi. I promised myself my
(31:39):
fifth star in Tokyo, in the race with the strictest timing,
so I can't mess around. If you mess around in Tokyo,
you yanked. You're done. To the point, as John will attest,
they pull the pacers if the pacer is behind the
mat as it closes down. They've pulled pacers their own pacers,
who were you know, if you're a six hour and
(32:00):
you're behind on there, they're timing, but your timing might
be right. But if you're not there on that last
mad and I think they pulled him at mile twenty three,
then you're done. They pulled official pacers at mile twenty three.
I can't, I just can't. I promised myself. I'm feelishing
that race. I promise myself I'm getting that fifth star,
so there can't be self broken promises. Step two, turn
(32:22):
I'm mad into I'm going to all right, I'm mad
that I'm out of shape. Okay, well I'm going to
start getting some miles in. I'm mad that I skip training, Okay,
I'm running tomorrow. You turn on the accountability. You can be.
I'm mad, but I'm mad needs to turn into I'm
going to set small immediate actions. Anger burns hot and fast.
(32:46):
Use that spark, all right, So if you are mad
about something, to make that change. If something's pissed you off,
then act on it. Do it. If you're mad that
your training sucks, put your shoes on and get out
the door. Let that spark motivate you. Let's see step four.
Cool down with compassion. So after you've acted, all right,
(33:07):
you took you went and got those three miles because
you were pissed about it. Acknowledged that as a win. Man.
I know I was mad, but it got me out
the door. I got my three miles today. That's a win.
It doesn't matter if it was born out of a
place of anger. You win. You got your run in
today and then anger let the match. But discipline keeps
the flame going. So yeah, anger is the spark, that's
(33:29):
what's going to start the fire. Your discipline is what's
going to keep it going yours mine, but we've got
to be disciplined about this, all right. So you know,
for me, it was seeing race photos that can do it.
It was kind of looking at the things that I
knew I was doing wrong and the way that I
don't feel the way that I want to feel. You know,
(33:52):
my finishing time has been bad. My finishing time at
the garment. Sorry, there's those hiccups that I get every episode.
The finishing time at the garment wasn't good. Wasn't where
I wanted to be, I said a long time ago,
with where I feel I am in the running world,
where I want to be my half marathon times, I
want it two forty or less. Coming in at two
fifty at garment, can't say the half marathon is not
(34:12):
where I want to be. And am I gonna beat
myself up about it? No, that race has come and gone. Good,
life haves you, and it's in front of us, and
it's coming up real fast, a little more than a
week away. So I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.
But I'm not where I want to be, so I
know that. So that's an anger that needs to lead
to discipline. Nutritional details. You know, I'm sorry not details
(34:33):
my nutritional derailment. I gotta fix that. When you know
you're capable of doing better, then you're tired of you
giving yourself the pass. And I am. I am better
than this, injury or not, I'm better than this. But again,
I want to make sure that we we don't stick
with the negative. All right. There is no name calling.
You are not going to be sitting there calling yourself names.
(34:54):
You're not gonna quit because you screwed up one time, no, no,
And we're not comparing in ourselves to any other runners.
All right. So here is They call this the reset
by fire method. So day one today, admit what you're
mad at, say it out loud or write it down.
All right, Well, I've been telling you for over thirty
minutes what I'm mad at, So we got that. Tomorrow.
(35:15):
Day two, replace one habit that caused the anger for me.
Nutrition wise, health wise, it's drink the protein shake and
stay off the coffee tomorrow. Okay, okay, I got this.
And then day three we're going to celebrate the pivot.
So we've got Monday, I'm pissed Tuesday, make a correction.
Wednesday good. I'm glad I made that correction. Let's just
keep on it. And then we just keep on it
(35:36):
and keep on it and keep on it. That's reset
by fire, boom done. It's not that difficult if we
don't make it that difficult, all right. So look, just
kind of enclosing here. Being mad at yourself doesn't make
you negative. It makes you honest for sure. Anger is
a signal, not a sentence. It's the spark, not the solution,
(35:58):
all right, And then it's okay to be mad. Just
don't stay there. Use the spark, the spark, as we said,
to light the way forward. All right. That's it seems
simple enough, okay. So look, we are coming up here
on Good Life Havesie in just a hair under two
weeks now, So I will see you up in Lincoln
this weekend coming up November first, and second, I actually
(36:20):
don't have a race, so we'll find something to talk about.
Everything will be on as usual. Friday is Halloween, we
will have normal episode of the Back of the Pack podcast.
Second win, we will finish up the Run if you
dare series, and then Thursday, the night before Halloween, Halloween Eve,
we have another meeting of the Chasing Rabbits Run Club
six thirty pm at Discourse Brewery, Halloween Costume Night. I
(36:42):
do have a prize for first place in our costume contest,
so be ready for that. The costume contest is going
to be voted on by all the other running participants. Yes,
we're gonna have little pieces of paper, We're gonna write
it down, and then I'm gonna hope I'm gonna beg
someone from Discourse to real quick count up the votes
while everyone's out on the path doing their run, and
(37:04):
then the winner will be announced upon our return. So
make sure you're there early so that you can vote
in the Chasing Rabbits Run Club costume contest the day
before Halloween. The run starts at six thirty, so I'd
come early. I am always there at five thirty. Between
five thirty and six, I will be there. Will be
out on the patio. It looks like a lovely evening
for us, so please come join me where your costume
(37:25):
and then bring a headlamp or bring some sort of
light if you like the flashlight, the headlamp, the ones
that go on your belt, whatever works best for you,
bring it because it will be dark by the time
we start, we're just we're in that time of year,
my friends. So that is going to do it for
this week's episode of the Back of the Back podcast.
I'm your host, Kyle Walker. It is my pleasure as always, everyone,
have a safe week of training. We will see you
(37:46):
next week
Hello or everyone, greeting and salutations. Welcome back to another
episode at the Back of the Pack podcast. I'm your host,
Kyle Walker. Thank you so much for tuning in. Happy
Monday to you if you were hearing this on your Monday.
I just saw this morning and first thing right off
the top, it looks like Jamaica is about to get
just annihilated with a hurricane. So I want her to
throw that out there. Man, I'm really sorry to hear
(00:33):
about that. Best of luck to everyone down there. I'm
thinking about y'all, but good grief. Hurricane Melissa sounds like
it got real angry, real quick, and so I just
wanted to put out some well wishes into the universe
and hopefully maybe maybe it misses, maybe Jamaica does okay,
but it doesn't sound great. So Jamaica, we're thinking about you.
(00:54):
Last week on the episode on the podcast, we talked
about the Garman Kansas City Marathon. That's all we talked
about last week. I did make one error and I
was really hoping no one would catch it before I
could correct it, but no, not the case. I definitely
got called out from making an error after the race
when the different various groups stayed and teered on in
that six hour celebration, as they called it. I said,
(01:16):
the Casey Smart Pacers a perfectly fine and wonderful group themselves.
I said, the Casey Smart Pacer stayed. It was the
Casey Smart Runners. I'm sorry. I know it's one of
those things like as soon as I said it, I
knew it didn't sound right, but I didn't go back
and try and figure it out or fix it. I
just was wrong. I put up the right graphic if
(01:37):
you watched the video, but I did not say the
name correctly. So Casey Smart Pacers, y'all are lovely folks.
But it was the Casey Smart Runners that I hung
out with at the finish line festival that really stayed
late to get all of those last runners in, and
so big shout out and credit to them as I
messed them up last week, which hey, not perfect, never
(01:57):
claimed to be, not gonna be. If perfect and is
what you're looking for, you are not going to find
it here, definitely not. Next up, A big congratulations to
everyone who just wrapped up and finished the Marine Corps Marathon.
The fiftieth running is in the books. Sounds like for
some folks, and in some situations it was an absolute mess,
(02:17):
and due to the government's shutdown, I know everything was
not a hundred percent staffed or let's say, fully operational,
or maybe one hundred percent prepared. I know they had
their struggles. I know they had their issues. I've seen
videos of some of the issues they had post race.
I heard it was kind of a bit of a
pardon my French ear, MUFS kids, a shit show even
(02:38):
during the race. But a lot of people I know
were up there. Everyone seemed to have finished the race,
did well, got the huge honking metals. Holy cow, those
things were massive. So hopefully enjoy those safe travels getting
back to wherever it was that you traveled from. And
I hope that the Marine Corps Marathon was as great
an experience for you as it was for me ten
(03:00):
years ago. Again, all the fomo, all the dag nabbit
that I could not be there with you this year,
but training was what it was, and I would not
have done well. I would not have done well. Would
I finished, probably, would I have beaten the bridge? Possibly?
Would I have had a good time or felt good
about myself? No, definitely not. And that is what is
(03:22):
actually going to kind of take us into today's topic,
which I'm gonna get there in a minute. I'm sorry,
I've got one more review to do. Since I did
not do Marine Corps Marathon, I did the Monster Dash
five k here local to Kansas City. Very easy race.
We've done this race before. We have done this course
several times, as other races are run here as well.
(03:44):
I had a good morning. It was finally, finally the
perfect morning for running. It was beautiful, low fifties, not
a lot of wind. It was a little humid, but
in the low fifties. Who cares. That actually kind of
cools things off a little bit. The rain held off,
it rained before the race, it rained after the race,
didn't rain during the race, which was great. And I
(04:07):
got my best five K time probably of twenty twenty
five at least definitely since summertime, since late spring summer
in the fall, best finishing time I've had in a while. Now,
I am still a person with where I feel I
should be, and I know I'm not there where I
(04:27):
feel I should be. I really want to be more
consistently sub thirty minutes for a five k. That is
what I would like. That is my hopes and my
dreams didn't happen this time as I came into thirty
minutes fifty seconds. Ah. So again I'm throwing this out
there because I always catch hell for it every time
(04:50):
I say it. Yes, this is the back of the
Pack podcast, and no sub thirty is not big at
the pick. I get that, But I am a runner
who is never going to stop trying to improve. Okay,
I have been back of the pack my whole career.
I have an average five K time. If you take
(05:11):
now one hundred and seventy five five ks, and I've
taken them all, and I have the average of my
finishing time, My average finishing time is still well over
thirty eight minutes. It's like thirty eight forty or thirty
eight thirty eight something like that. That is still my
average finishing time. So I have far more above thirty
than I do under. But I'm never a runner that's
(05:33):
gonna stop trying. I always want to try and improve.
That's not everyone, and I understand that that's great, perfectly lovely.
You have to be happy with where you are at.
I am happy constantly chasing that sub thirty, and for
some people it's chasing that sub twenty eight. For some
people it's chasing that sub twenty five, and then for
(05:55):
some people it's chasing that sub forty. I can't tell
you how long I was chasing sub forty, especially coming
back off to open heart surgeries. My times went up
up up after the surgery, after all the time away,
after all the recovery, and then as my weight went
up up up, so did my times, which is why
(06:15):
my average time is still above thirty five. It's in
the thirty eighths because of how many races I did
where I couldn't even get below forty. But I'm always chasing.
I invite you find your goal and always chase it.
And if you're perfectly happy with where you're at, then awesome,
that's spectacular. And trust me, no shade thrown. I'm glad
(06:36):
that you are, and you know, what do you think
and enjoy the heck out of it. I am constantly
chasing the sub thirty. My goal for twenty twenty six,
before I found out about the Tokyo Marathon was to
stop with all the distance running and stop with all
the halves and some foals and maybe even a lot
of the tens and focus only on my five k's
(06:58):
to try and chase that twenty five minute five k. Now,
I have to keep stretching things out because of Tokyo
on March first. And then when I get back from
Tokyo on March first, well that's the day of the race.
When I get back from that trip, shall we say,
I'm chasing knee surgery then, and that's gonna set me behind.
But I eventually am going to start focusing more on
the five k realm, less on the half marathon and
full marathon realm, and see if I can't bring it
(07:20):
down further. I would love to have a twenty five
minute five k. Could you imagine? Like how cool would
that be? Maybe I get there, maybe I don't, who knows.
But again, I'm always chasing something, So I invite you
to always chase something as well. Find what you want
to chase and go after it. And if it changes
your identity as a runner, great, So what who cares?
(07:43):
It's your identity, It's how you feel about yourself. So
if you want to chase those faster times, even though
it might mean leaving a running body kind of maybe
a little behind, do it. And you know what, any
supportive running body is going to tell you go run
your race, all right, and so get the time that
you are aiming for. You don't have to stay back
with me, all right, perfect example, I'm gonna throw her
(08:04):
right right here under the bus toom Doom, and then
I'm gonna back up and run over again to du Dum,
and then we're gonna put it right back in forward
and one more time du Dum Garment Can City Marathon
ran with Sarah. Sarah kicked my ass. She beat me
dead sinner, dead straight in the Garment Can City half marathon.
And she could have had a better time if she
(08:27):
had gone ahead of me when my struggle started. But
she was trying to be a good running buddy. She
was hanging out with me. She needed to go because
I was holding her back all right, one hundred percent.
She could have had a better finishing time, but she
stayed with me a little too long. I appreciate it,
thank you, and your company was wonderful. However, you didn't
need to do that because it cost you a better
(08:47):
half marathon time. We fast forward the next street week.
We are both at Monster Dash and so she says, hey,
I'm not staying with you this time. I'm going We're
gonna use the term balls out on this course. I said,
no problem, you do you think, girlfriend, you balls out?
You know what I'm gonna do because I had already
planned on doing it at this race. I am going
balls out as well. Why because we finally had the
(09:09):
weather I wanted, and we finally have it a course
I know. I know this course forwards, backwards and sideways.
I could because we have run it backwards before. But
I could do this course blindfolded. I know where to
dial it back, and I know where to go hard.
And so we begin the race, and again no shade thrown.
I beat her by two and a half minutes, all right.
So I didn't stay with her, she didn't stay with me.
(09:32):
I knew what I wanted to do, knew what she
wanted to do. So while she kicked my rumpus at
Garman can't see the marathon, half marathon, I beat her
at Monster Dash five k. So again, you're running buddies
interests me. It's not like she ever yelled from the back. Hey,
hold up, no, it was never any of that. Your
running buddies will want you to do what you can do.
What you want to do what you're comfortable in doing
(09:53):
and what you want to try and accomplish. That's what
your running buddies are for. So don't I ever feel
like you've got to hold up or slow up, or
stay back or stay at a certain level just to
satisfy your running buddies. And boy, how do you have?
I gone down a bunny trail today that I did
not intend to go down. No, I don't know where
any of this came from, but they're not gonna hold
you back. Your running buddies are going to tell you
(10:13):
to go forward and to get what you can into
the best that you can do, and that's what running
buddies are for. I am now going to step off
this soapbox and come back on the trail that I
meant to go down. Good lord, I don't know where
this came from, but I love it when stuff just
pops in my head. Well, let's talk about it. Why
the heck not? All right? So what we're talking about
(10:34):
is I keep seeing expressions. And we've mentioned this before,
but it was like a couple of years ago, and
I wanted to come back to this conversation because it's
really kind of affected me today especially, so you know,
I'm in the new podcast studio here and I'm still
working on trying to make things look good. Hopefully the
video quality is better now than it was the last week,
less of the screen cutting off my head and my shoulders.
(10:57):
I think it looks better. As I kind of look
over my screen here, I think we're doing better, you know,
as I'm working around and i'm fighting injury and I'm
doing runs, you know, and I did this good run
on Saturday and Monster Dash and got a not quite
the time I wanted, but I got a good time
for me. But I'm still I'm meandering around. I'm pulling
up my Fitness Pal, I'm kind of logging nutrition. I'm
looking at weight trends and measurement trends in my body.
(11:22):
I'm looking at, you know, kind of nutrition trends on
what I'm doing. And as I'm doing all this and
I'm roaming around, and even though I ran a good race, like,
I don't feel good right now. I don't feel that
I look particularly good. I don't feel like I'm at
my best weight. I'm certainly not lean right now. There's
no chance anyone's gonna call me that I just feel
(11:44):
kind of swollen and puffy. And when I do that stuff,
I get mad at myself. And when I get mad
at myself, I get mad at getting mad at myself,
because you know, hey, we're supposed to run happy. We're
supposed to to not get down on ourselves. We're supposed
to not get angry. And the more I think of
that stuff, and I know I've said this before and
I'm gonna say it again, the more I think about
(12:04):
that that way of thinking in life, I say, you know, what,
screw that. I don't always have to be happy with
where I am physically. I don't have to be happy
with my finishing times. I don't have to be happy
with my averages. I don't have to be happy with
the distances that I'm doing and how long it's taking
me to do them. I don't have to be happy.
I can if I so desire, I can be angry,
(12:28):
and it's okay to be angry at yourself. Now. I
am not outward angry angry at anyone in the running community,
not at all, not even a little bit. I do
not have the outward anger, but I think that internal anger.
Then in internal what the effort you doing, dude, like
the internal why aren't you where you want to be
or where you should be? I think that is okay,
(12:49):
and I think anger can be a healthy motivator when
used the right way. Okay, So again I have been
very frustrated with myself, and look, we're gonna stay positive here.
And this is not to beat yourself up, but sometimes
anger is the spark that pushes you to make change. Okay.
So the goal of this episode it is to explore
(13:10):
how self anger can be healthy, motivating, and productive. It
is not it is the ease, not how to be
self destructive. I will never approve of self destruction, for me,
for you, for anybody who may hear this. We are
not going to be self destructive. We're going to try
(13:32):
and make this little spark of anger into a positive thing.
So the difference between self motivated anger and self destruction.
All right, So self destructive anger, here's kind of what
it sounds like. I'm worthless, I'll never change. Why bother? Okay?
So I'm a bad runner. I can never run faster.
Why do I want to train if I'm never going
(13:53):
to run faster or if my times are always gonna suck?
Have you heard these things before, and have we talked
about And you show up to the start line already defeated,
and you're already being destructive in your anger, and so
you don't run as good a race because you're mad
and you're down on yourself and just your your whole
mindset has already taken you out of the race, right,
(14:15):
So that leads to shame spirals, quitting, avoidance, and emotional shutdown.
So the shame spiral, you show up defeated to the
start line, you're destructively angry with yourself. So what could
have been a decent race, if not your best, turns
into a bad race, And a bad race does more
(14:36):
to damage your self worth and yourself and your worth
as a runner in your own mind than just an
average race. I have average races. We have average races
all the time. That's why they're average. But when you
show up angry and when you let your anger be
self destructive and you shame spiral, then an average race
turns into a subpar race, and that does infinitely more
(14:56):
to make you feel bad that it does make you
feel good. Under the no duh category, next quitting, you
could just quit, You could get so upset with your
own personal performances that you just quit. I don't like
this sport anymore. This is not the hobby that I want.
I'm never getting any better. I suck. I'm not a
good runner. These other runners are all faster than me.
(15:17):
I'm never gonna make a podium. I'm just gonna walk away.
Well that's a bold strategy, Cotton, and I think if
you let that get into your mind, then you really
need to start taking longer looks at yourself and your
own happiness. To put the broad term on it, but
if you're really letting yourself go down those holes of quitting,
you also might be suffering some burnout. There could be
(15:40):
a little I don't know, you might be looking at
other runners and getting a little jealous, which that's not
fair to you. There's, you know, the little unfair comparison
maybe going on. So don't ever think about the quitting game.
If you're in the quitting game, then this is just
more than that little spark of anger that's motivational. This
is this is such self anger and self harm they
(16:01):
get trying to you might take yourself completely out of
something you don't want to do. That avoidance again, when
you get so angry at yourself and your performance at
the race, you might avoid doing races, you might avoid
your training runs. And if you avoid your training runs,
but then you still show up at the race day,
and then your race sucks because you've not been training
because you've avoided your training, but you still wanted to
(16:21):
go to the race. Then your race is bad. Then
again your anger is bad. Shame spiral, all these things,
they all kind of go part and parcel, they all
walk hand in hand, and then emotional shutdown. That's when
you get to the I don't care. Oh I don't care.
I ran a bad race. I don't care, Oh I
ran a good race. We I don't care. Well, I
wanted to do this race, but I'm not going to now.
(16:41):
I don't care. That emotional shutdown is not good as well.
And I know runners who do that. I'm not gonna
name names, and I'm not gonna call people out, but
I know people who have gone from passionate runners to
I don't care because maybe a couple of races didn't
go right, maybe the training didn't go right, maybe your
nutrition didn't go right, Maybe you gained few pounds and
you're feeling puffy haha like me, and now all of
(17:04):
a sudden, I don't care. You just emotionally shut down.
That's not great either, my friends. And then so often
this is tied to comparisons, as they said, perfectionism or
unrealistic expectations. Hello, unrealistic expectations. You have reared your ugly
head again, as we have discussed you before, and now
(17:25):
you are back. But yeah, comparison to other runners is bad.
All right, I'm gonna flat say it. It is bad.
If you are a podium chaser, if you are front
of the pack, if you are as fast as fast
can be. Okay, maybe you can compare yourself to your
competition to try and figure out where you can improve,
(17:45):
where you can go from that second place finish to
the first place finish. Okay, I get all that. For
ninety nine point nine percent of the people listening to
this podcast, comparisons are bad. Never compare yourself with another runner.
Don't compare yourself with your running buddies. Okay, I will
throw his name out here because I know he's not
going to carry and he knows I'm one hundred percent right,
our boy, Cody, my guy that I've run with what
(18:09):
for over two years? Are we three years that Cody
and I've been running? Aether something like that? There was
a point we were very similar runners. That point has passed.
Cody is a much better, much faster, much younger runner
than I am. I cannot and it wouldn't be fair
to me to do so, compare myself to his running
(18:32):
because he went to Chicago and was sub I know
he subbed five? Were you subed four? Cody? I don't remember.
I'm sorry you told me and I forgot. It's not
my brain right now. But hit a huge timing milestone
that I, at my age, in my fitness level, will
never accomplish. And yes, I am saying will never. But
(18:53):
I don't compare myself to him. I never have and
I never will. Well, at one point in time we
were very similar. That time has come and gone. He
is a much better runner. Okay, but I'm not going
to compare myself. I'm not gonna hold myself to the
Cody standard. I'm gonna hold myself to the Kyle standard.
That's really the only standard that I need worry about.
I don't need to worry about anyone else's standard other
(19:16):
than my own comparisons in the running world, unless you're
a podium chaser. I feel my opinion, not based in
any fact, are bad perfectionism. We're never gonna be the
perfect runner never ever. Let me just take all the
mystery out of this topic. You're never going to be
the perfect runner because none of us are. Even when
(19:36):
Kipchogi broke two hours in the full marathon, he said
there are things he could have done better, and he's
the goat, he is the man man. There's never gonna
be another Kipchogi, at least in my estimation, like there's
never gonna be another Michael Jordan in my estimation. And
even he wasn't perfect when he broke the sub two
(19:57):
hour full marathon. So perfection that's bull dinky, unrealistic expectations.
That is a little tighter of a rope to walk.
I certainly have expectations. I have things I'd like to accomplish.
Are they realistic or unrealistic? Tough to say, tough to
say at times, But I'm not holding myself to those standards.
I'm not saying I must meet this expectation or I'm
(20:20):
a failure as a runner, failure as a person. Failure
as a whatever. No, No, they just they're expectations. Yeah,
I expect someday I could run a twenty five minute
five K. I would have to train hard, I would
have to diet well. I'd have to be very nutritious.
I would have to do all the things right. I
expect I can do it. And you know what, maybe
I never do. Maybe I never hit it. Maybe I
(20:42):
hit a twenty seven something and that's as close as
I ever get. I expect I could, I expect, I
can certainly try. Might be unreasonable, but I don't know.
So that is an unrealistic, unrealistic expectation. But I'm not
holding myself to it. I'm not placing value on myself
whether I hit it or not. All right, So motivational anger,
(21:03):
I am better than this. I like that. That is
self motivating. Okay. So when I'm looking at my nutrition
today and how I feel I am better than this,
how do I know I've done it? I've been better,
I have been leaner. Again, I go back, and boy,
I wish this picture would quit popping up on my
screens and whatnot. I go back to the twenty twenty three. Yeah,
(21:26):
twenty twenty three Rock Island Half Marathon, very hot, and
the picture they take as you're going under the big
suspension bridge, good background. Man. I looked lean in that picture, man,
lean and mean, and you could see my clavicles because
I was wearing a tank top and my legs look
good and my knees didn't look swollen. Oo. I'd love
(21:48):
to see that again someday. I looked good and the
shirt that I was wearing looked too big. And then
we go back the next year, exact same spot with
the photographer. They take my picture in damn, the same
outfit and I look puffy. And that's in twenty twenty four.
Now we're past Rock Island in twenty twenty five. I
didn't do it in twenty twenty five, trust me. I
didn't need that comparison picture. But things have not gotten better.
(22:11):
But I know that I am better than where I'm
at currently because I've seen it before, okay, and so
more motivational anger. It calls out your own excuses and
demands actions when you are mad at yourself. When you're angry,
I think you're more realistic about your excuses. Yes, I
(22:31):
make excuses. I made excuses all year and I've told
you all about them. I've told you that there were
very stressful times at my house. There were things going
on that were not a lot of fun. Now, thankfully,
a lot of those situations have resolved, so I am
feeling better. Like someone actually told me this past weekend
that you just seem better now than you have been
(22:54):
for a lot of this year. Well, yeah, the probably
the biggest stresser in my life is now out of it,
thank God, Like, thank the good Lord above, things have
gotten less stressful for me. So I know I probably
appear a little more of a happier person at times,
but that stressor was not a good excuse for why
my running sucks. Now. The knee injury, that's legit and
(23:16):
it's really a thing, and it stinks, but it is
not also not preventing me from doing anything. Because my
knee hurts doesn't mean it was okay to have that
pizza the other day. Because my knee hurts doesn't mean
it's okay. Then I'm not drinking enough water, so you
gotta be real careful with that. But I can look
at this and be like, Okay, I made excuses bum
(23:39):
knee stressful situation to eat like crap to not do
the things I'm supposed to do. And so when you're
mad at yourself, you are willing to look at your
excuses a lot more closely, and then yes, it demands action.
And that's why I'm doing this episode today. That's why
I've noticed all this stuff today, and I'm really going
to start trying to turn things around today because I've
(24:00):
got so many things coming up that I need to
be right for mentally, physically, there are things coming down
the pipe. Tokyo Marathon perfect example, Redemption Race in Mississippi,
perfect example. If I don't write the ship now, then
I'm facing more disappointment down the road. And that makes
me mad. It makes me mad that I've even put
myself in this situation. It is so much easier to
(24:22):
maintain than try and catch back up. And now I'm
in ketchup mode both, you know, physically, mentally, nutritionally, all
of it. I'm in ketchup mode right now. That sucks.
Let's see, it comes from a place. All this comes
from a place of self respect, not self hate. Respect
yourself enough to do the work, respect yourself enough to
(24:44):
understand that you need to do the work to see
it in yourself to understand that you're not where you
want to be. And it's not because you're a piece
of shit. Ear most kids, it's because you just let
something slip. There's a huge difference. There's a huge difference
between Ooh, kind of let something slip or I'm a
piece of shit. They're not the same. They're not one
and the same, never have been, never will be. We
(25:04):
all slip. We all slip from time to time. Don't
hate yourself for it, right the ship, Just turn it around.
Is not that difficult. Don't three sixty one eighty, turn
back and go back the way you came. And that's
really all you gotta do. It's not that difficult. We
just make it difficult in our own freaking heads. And
this pushes you to change your habits, change your routines,
(25:24):
and change environment. Yes, so change your habits all right
for me. Don't eat like a dipshit. Quit eating stupid stuff.
You're smarter than that, you're better than that, you know better,
sab it. Okay, fine, change my routine? Yes, okay, So
I am this is terrible. I must admit I am
(25:46):
might not nothing new. I'm building it up. I am
a coffee whore. I drink way too much coffee every day,
way too much. I don't know if it's caffeine fixed
that I want, if it's just that, you know, little
moral benefit of drinking a nice hot liquid, or if
it's because habit. I think it's just become a habit
at this point when I get bored or when I
need a little something, it's just habit to make a
(26:06):
cup of coffee. Okay, Well, I needed to quit doing
that before I leave the house in the morning. Don't
make it to go cup of coffee. Grab your Java
protein shake that's already sent in the fridge. This got
that little shot of caffeine in it, and give you
a little something, and drink the protein shake in the
morning instead of one of the extra cups of coffee.
Such a small little habit and a routine that could
(26:29):
be changed, and I know I need to do it.
So now I just need to do it. Just do it, okay,
all right. Well, so when I go to work tomorrow,
because three days a week I have to go into
the office, which is ridiculous and stupid, but I will.
I'm gonna grab protein shake on the way out the door.
That's what I'm gonna do, and that's what needs to
be done. And then changing the environment, change the environment
(26:50):
and that Look, this is the tough part, and I'm
not telling you how to live your life. I would
never dare. But I know people and I know situations.
Some may pertain to me or not. We're cutting bad
issues out of your life. It can even be bad people.
Is something that needs to be done. You might have
to eliminate something or someone or some sort of relationship
(27:15):
that causes you issues in you being the better version
of yourself. All right. If you've got the group of
friends that one way you just go out for a drink.
Every time you guys go out, it has to be
like blackout drunk, Okay, you might need to cut that
out for a while. You might need to remove yourself
from some situations, and again that's just one example of
which are a million. Remove yourself from some situations so
(27:39):
that you can get yourself right and get yourself better
before maybe going back in that situation, or you might
need to alter it for long term success in your world. Again,
there's a million ways to do it, but you got
to find what works for you, all right. So one
of these Destructive anger tears you down. Motivational anger wakes
(28:00):
you up. And I like that. I like that, so
why anger can be a powerful catalyst for change. Anger
is energy. It forces movement and it disrupts comfort. Also
along these lines, anger is energy. We all know there
is energy well spent and there is energy wasted anger.
(28:21):
Negative anger is energy wasted. Motivational anger energy spent. Sometimes
positivity the en We're big in this. The positively positivity
only culture keeps people stuck because they're too gentle on themselves.
I am a gen xer. We were never gentle, So
I'm not gentle on myself and I'm not gentle on
(28:43):
a lot of other people either. All right, I firmly
believe in accountability for your actions. First, that finger points
at me before it points at anyone else. That points
at me, all right, And I have been at times
too gentle on myself. I am at times too gentle
on others. There are some people, myself included, that need
to be smacked upside the head so that they get
(29:05):
the freaking picture. I am a number one on that list.
But yes, we do have a positivity only culture. It
is not for the best. I don't like it, and
it keeps people stuck. I will go no further than that.
Anger is often the moment of truth. So a quote here,
I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of letting
(29:26):
myself down. It's time to change. Anger can be your
call to arms. It can be your call for change
if you feel it. If you feel that anger, and
if you feel that positive and that I want to change,
listen to it. Listen to it, don't ignore it, because
it is important and it can be You're not upset
because you failed. You're upset because you know you're capable
(29:48):
of more. That's positive anger right there. That's I'm still mad,
but I'm mad because I can do better. Now. It's
time to do better. It's time to do the things
I need to do to be better. And then when
anger shows you what matters, it becomes purpose. If it's
important to you, if you're mad about it, then that
is your purpose. You now have a purpose moving forward,
(30:11):
and you move forward from the anger to the purpose.
So how to use anger without letting it consume you.
I'm sorry we're going long today, but I really feel
like I stumbled upon a good topic here and I
don't want to cut it short. So how to use
anger without letting it consume you turn anger into action
with these steps? All right? Step one identify the real
trigger is the trigger? Your weight, isn't your motivation, Is
(30:33):
it your habits, your lack of discipline, your self broken promises,
or all in the above? For me, those were all
in the above. I don't like where my weight's at,
and it shouldn't be here. I don't like that my
motivation is kind of slipped because of all my excuses.
My habits are bad because of my excuses. Lack of discipline. Well,
we covered that in Abundance and then self broken promises. Yeah,
(30:56):
self broken promises, we talked about that. What are we
talking about, like, kind of the fear of starting when
we talked about when I was gonna do the Ultra
Marathon and we had that, Uh, what was it? Success paralysis?
I think we called it where you're you take on
something so big you're afraid to start the process of
preparing for it. I've got two of those in my
(31:18):
world right now, the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon and my
Redemption Marathon and the Tokyo Marathon. I need to start
now and again. It's not like I'm sitting here doing
all the wrong things, just several of them. But I
need to find that purpose of motivation now because I
have promised myself all right, talking about the self broken promises.
I promised myself redemption in Mississippi. I promised myself my
(31:39):
fifth star in Tokyo, in the race with the strictest timing,
so I can't mess around. If you mess around in Tokyo,
you yanked. You're done. To the point, as John will attest,
they pull the pacers if the pacer is behind the
mat as it closes down. They've pulled pacers their own pacers,
who were you know, if you're a six hour and
(32:00):
you're behind on there, they're timing, but your timing might
be right. But if you're not there on that last
mad and I think they pulled him at mile twenty three,
then you're done. They pulled official pacers at mile twenty three.
I can't, I just can't. I promised myself. I'm feelishing
that race. I promise myself I'm getting that fifth star,
so there can't be self broken promises. Step two, turn
(32:22):
I'm mad into I'm going to all right, I'm mad
that I'm out of shape. Okay, well I'm going to
start getting some miles in. I'm mad that I skip training, Okay,
I'm running tomorrow. You turn on the accountability. You can be.
I'm mad, but I'm mad needs to turn into I'm
going to set small immediate actions. Anger burns hot and fast.
(32:46):
Use that spark, all right, So if you are mad
about something, to make that change. If something's pissed you off,
then act on it. Do it. If you're mad that
your training sucks, put your shoes on and get out
the door. Let that spark motivate you. Let's see step four.
Cool down with compassion. So after you've acted, all right,
(33:07):
you took you went and got those three miles because
you were pissed about it. Acknowledged that as a win. Man.
I know I was mad, but it got me out
the door. I got my three miles today. That's a win.
It doesn't matter if it was born out of a
place of anger. You win. You got your run in
today and then anger let the match. But discipline keeps
the flame going. So yeah, anger is the spark, that's
(33:29):
what's going to start the fire. Your discipline is what's
going to keep it going yours mine, but we've got
to be disciplined about this, all right. So you know,
for me, it was seeing race photos that can do it.
It was kind of looking at the things that I
knew I was doing wrong and the way that I
don't feel the way that I want to feel. You know,
(33:52):
my finishing time has been bad. My finishing time at
the garment. Sorry, there's those hiccups that I get every episode.
The finishing time at the garment wasn't good. Wasn't where
I wanted to be, I said a long time ago,
with where I feel I am in the running world,
where I want to be my half marathon times, I
want it two forty or less. Coming in at two
fifty at garment, can't say the half marathon is not
(34:12):
where I want to be. And am I gonna beat
myself up about it? No, that race has come and gone. Good,
life haves you, and it's in front of us, and
it's coming up real fast, a little more than a
week away. So I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.
But I'm not where I want to be, so I
know that. So that's an anger that needs to lead
to discipline. Nutritional details. You know, I'm sorry not details
(34:33):
my nutritional derailment. I gotta fix that. When you know
you're capable of doing better, then you're tired of you
giving yourself the pass. And I am. I am better
than this, injury or not, I'm better than this. But again,
I want to make sure that we we don't stick
with the negative. All right. There is no name calling.
You are not going to be sitting there calling yourself names.
(34:54):
You're not gonna quit because you screwed up one time, no, no,
And we're not comparing in ourselves to any other runners.
All right. So here is They call this the reset
by fire method. So day one today, admit what you're
mad at, say it out loud or write it down.
All right, Well, I've been telling you for over thirty
minutes what I'm mad at, So we got that. Tomorrow.
(35:15):
Day two, replace one habit that caused the anger for me.
Nutrition wise, health wise, it's drink the protein shake and
stay off the coffee tomorrow. Okay, okay, I got this.
And then day three we're going to celebrate the pivot.
So we've got Monday, I'm pissed Tuesday, make a correction.
Wednesday good. I'm glad I made that correction. Let's just
keep on it. And then we just keep on it
(35:36):
and keep on it and keep on it. That's reset
by fire, boom done. It's not that difficult if we
don't make it that difficult, all right. So look, just
kind of enclosing here. Being mad at yourself doesn't make
you negative. It makes you honest for sure. Anger is
a signal, not a sentence. It's the spark, not the solution,
(35:58):
all right, And then it's okay to be mad. Just
don't stay there. Use the spark, the spark, as we said,
to light the way forward. All right. That's it seems
simple enough, okay. So look, we are coming up here
on Good Life Havesie in just a hair under two
weeks now, So I will see you up in Lincoln
this weekend coming up November first, and second, I actually
(36:20):
don't have a race, so we'll find something to talk about.
Everything will be on as usual. Friday is Halloween, we
will have normal episode of the Back of the Pack podcast.
Second win, we will finish up the Run if you
dare series, and then Thursday, the night before Halloween, Halloween Eve,
we have another meeting of the Chasing Rabbits Run Club
six thirty pm at Discourse Brewery, Halloween Costume Night. I
(36:42):
do have a prize for first place in our costume contest,
so be ready for that. The costume contest is going
to be voted on by all the other running participants. Yes,
we're gonna have little pieces of paper, We're gonna write
it down, and then I'm gonna hope I'm gonna beg
someone from Discourse to real quick count up the votes
while everyone's out on the path doing their run, and
(37:04):
then the winner will be announced upon our return. So
make sure you're there early so that you can vote
in the Chasing Rabbits Run Club costume contest the day
before Halloween. The run starts at six thirty, so I'd
come early. I am always there at five thirty. Between
five thirty and six, I will be there. Will be
out on the patio. It looks like a lovely evening
for us, so please come join me where your costume
(37:25):
and then bring a headlamp or bring some sort of
light if you like the flashlight, the headlamp, the ones
that go on your belt, whatever works best for you,
bring it because it will be dark by the time
we start, we're just we're in that time of year,
my friends. So that is going to do it for
this week's episode of the Back of the Back podcast.
I'm your host, Kyle Walker. It is my pleasure as always, everyone,
have a safe week of training. We will see you
(37:46):
next week
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com