November 24, 2025 • 33 mins
What happens when running—the thing that centers you, defines you, grounds you—gets ripped away? In this raw and unfiltered episode, Kyle opens up about the brutal reality of injury: two weeks sidelined, three races missed, and the anger that comes with watching your running crew cross finish lines without you. This isn't a "everything happens for a reason" pep talk. It's about the jealousy of scrolling through race photos, the guilt of letting your nutrition slip, the fear that you're losing everything you've worked for, and the mental warfare of wondering if you'll make it to Tokyo. If you've ever been injured, if you've ever felt like your body betrayed you at the worst possible time, or if you've ever had to sit on the sidelines while everyone else runs—this one's for you. No sugar coating. Just the truth about what injury actually feels like for runners who don't have time for setbacks but are facing them anyway.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Hello, everyone, greasy and salutations. Welcome back to another episode
at the Back of the Pack podcast. I'm your host,
Kyle Walker. Thank you so much for tuning in. Right
off the top, apparently it's my turn. It's my turn
for the crap. I am definitely under the weather today,
came down with one of the you know, seasonal colds.
So this may not be the longest podcast ever. And
if I sound funny, I apologize right off the front.
(00:33):
In my own head, I know I don't sound right.
I don't know if that's gonna come across the microphone
and the airwaves to you, but I know I do
not sound right and I do not feel great right now.
But hey, tis the season. Happens to the best of us.
You know, what are you gonna do? This past weekend
was It looked like a fun weekend out and about.
Of course, I'm still on the shelf with injury, but
this was kind of, as I looked at it, the
(00:54):
last big weekend of running for the year here in town.
It was the last full marathon and half marathon that
I know of here in the area with the Gobbler Grind,
so Goblergrind full Marathon, half Marathon. I know people who
did both. Congratulations to all of you. A good job
if you were out there doing gobbler grind, five K,
ten K, half or full, there's there's like no more.
(01:17):
There's no more here in the Midwest that I'm aware of. Also,
Root sixty six was this past weekend as well, so
a lot of people down doing Route sixty six until
its to Oklahoma again. I think that's kind of it.
As I look at our calendar on what I can
and cannot do, there are only five k's and ten
k's for the remainder of the year here locally, and
then of course right before Christmas, all that stuff just
(01:39):
stops completely and there is nothing, nothing to nobody, nothing
to do. So good job to everyone who was out
this weekend. I contemplated going to the ten k I
was signed up for on Saturday, which was the Turkey Trails.
Kind of wish I had, because the medals looked amazing,
big honkin medals for a five K and a ten K,
but I didn't. I was good ish, you know, I'm
(02:02):
respected that I'm hurt, and I didn't want to go
out and maybe make things worse. Not gonna lie that
feeling is starting to rapidly go away, as I am
now two full weeks of no running at all, no running,
no soccer, no anything, barely even taking some walks, like
it is flat killing me. So I know that last
(02:24):
week we had talked about everything talked about injury. We
were going to turn it all into a positive. We
weren't going to be whiny face this, that and the other.
We're taking a bit of a different approach this week,
because hey, not everyone agrees with how I handle things.
You might want to feel a little differently than the
stuff I spouted out last week, and even in the
(02:44):
middle of that episode last week talking about how we're
still going to be in the running community and you know,
even when you're injured, you can still be a part
of things. And while I don't disagree with anything I said,
I am going to kind of give you the other
side of that coin today because it's not one size
fits all. Not everyone deals with things the same exact way.
(03:05):
Not everyone's going to deal with things the way that
I say, And I may not want to deal with
things the same way previous week to this week that
I had before. I might want to switch things up,
and I can tell you that that's absolutely what has
happened this weekend, because as I sit here now, I
can't run, and I'm actually a little pissed about it.
Like I am not thrilled with this, I am not
(03:27):
happy with how things have progressed. I want to run.
I have not been out for two weeks and it
is flat killing me. Where I was in kind of
a bad mood this weekend. Now, Granted, when you get sick,
it doesn't help you, know, you feel you feel gross,
you feel like, oh man, I'm stuck on the couch
or I'm stuck inside. I don't want to be I'm
(03:47):
missing races, I'm losing money, I'm losing content for the podcast.
I'm losing all these things. But honestly, you know, my
body says no, and I'm a little pissed about it.
So where I am. I still can't run. I still well,
I'm choosing not to, but I don't know how much
longer that's gonna last. I might actually go up for
(04:08):
a mile today and just kinda see how things feel. Yeah,
I'm choosing not to play my men's indoor soccer. Well
that might change because it's the week of Thanksgiving. And
we already have a lot of guys who I think
are out for Tuesdays, so they might need me, and
I don't want to let people down. And yes, there
is the risk that I completely blow things out, and
that's a risk that's just gonna kind of be there.
No sorry, but man, this is hard. This is really hard.
(04:32):
And if you've been injured and you've been out for
an extended period of time, you're probably sitting there going, yeah,
it is. It is freaking hard, but it is. So
you know, this isn't gonna be one of those everything
happens for a reason kind of episode. You know, sometimes
things suck, and today we're gonna talk about what that
kind of actually feels like when things just kind of suck.
And that's where I am right now. Last week I
(04:54):
tried to put the happy face on it. I really did,
and again I agree with everything I said last week,
but I'm not in that same headspace this week. And
so that's kind of what we're going to talk about.
So what we're covering is the physical reality of injury,
the mental warfare that it creates, and the jealousy that
creeps in the spiral of bad habits when your routine
(05:15):
falls apart because all these things are legit. And even
though yes, we addressed most of these last week and
we put the really happy, go lucky spin on things
and again not disagreeing with any of it, it is
not how everyone works. There are sometimes where you get
hurt and you are mad, you are angry, and you
know what, that's okay too. You don't want to live
in it, you don't want to stay in it, but
(05:37):
you are going to be there, especially when the injury
is costing you time and trouble and money and all
the things that is affecting us right now. So here's
what we have in like the immediate aftermath of when
running gets taken away, and I still feel like, even
though it's been two weeks, I'm kind of in that
immediate aftermath, all right. So like the moment you realize
you can't run, or worse that you shouldn't. It's not
(06:01):
that I can't, I can, I have been. My times
aren't great kind of hurts, but it's shouldn't, not can't.
And that's very different, and that plays a very different
trick with your mind. That's why I like Saturday, I
could have run that ten k I definitely shouldn't have,
(06:23):
but I could have. I didn't, but I could have.
And that's that's just the mental game that your mind
is going to play on you over and over and
over again while you were down injured. What you could
do and what you should do very very different things.
And that's rough. Excuse me. I told you guys, I'm sick,
and I am not going to try and go back
and edit out every time I have to clear my
(06:44):
throat or I get a little choked up. So deal
with it. Teg nevit. I'm angry today. So all right,
So that first race that you have to DNS, the
first race that you don't start, you know, the five
k that well, for me, it was the Endurance Weekend.
It was that five k. That was the first race that,
due to injury, I could not do And it kind
(07:06):
of takes me off. But again, we missed Yeddi and
Durance Weekend and we came back with last Monday's episode
and we're putting a happy spin on things and everything
is great and blah lah lah. But boy, as these
races are piling up, that really is playing more of
a mental toll on me. The five K, now gone
YETI Half Marathon gone, Turkey Trails ten k this past
(07:26):
Saturday gone, and I've already given away my word Parkway
Thanksgiving Day ten k as well. So that gone. That's
a lot of money out the window. And then that's
just a lot of races that I would much rather
be doing than not doing anything at all. And so
by the end of this, you know, by Thanksgiving Day,
I'm gonna be flat ticked. Not to mention my annual
(07:47):
tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. Man, I can't do
that either. I mean, I could go occupy space on
the field, But there have been years. It's been a
long time, but there have been years where that game's
gotten pretty competitive and you don't want to be out
there hobble. My favorite year was when we were all
playing and there's one friend who's kind of on the
outside or the outliers of the friend group. Well, he
(08:08):
brought a bunch of his people, and so it ended
up being him and his people versus my people. Whereas
normally we're just playing each other, were all got to
be together and take on these other people and we
absolutely crushed them and it was great. That was also
a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away,
where I had knees that were great at that time.
Not the case here anymore. So. Next up the specific
(08:29):
sting of seeing the running crew. Yeah, like I'm seeing
everyone putting their pictures out there, posting their selfies. Of
course everything is popping off today on Metal Monday. As
I record, it sucks, so I ain't for Metal Monday.
Had to pull out a metal from twenty fourteen just
to kind of give us something to talk about, something
to post you've seen. I've also put out some computer
(08:52):
generated images of like a back of the pack podcast
five K Metal ha ha. Maybe someday, you know, it's
things like that. I'd rather show you what I just got.
I'd rather have seen everyone at the race. But there're
certainly just that not being able to see everyone and
then seeing what they've done that you couldn't that also
gets in your head and it can really kind of
take you off and then again not angry at anyone,
(09:13):
definitely jealous of everyone. That's one hundred percent correct. And
I bet you've had that as well at times where
you couldn't run or you had to miss a race,
and then you see everyone posting from that race that
you couldn't run, or you know, something popped up and
you're like, oh man, what are the kids calling nowadays? Follo? Yeah,
you have like some serious freaking fomo. That is the
(09:34):
stupidest word ever. I'm just throwing that out there. But
there is a sting of seeing everyone do the thing
that you wanted to do and that you couldn't do. So,
you know, from the group pictures to the metals to
the coffee post race, you didn't get to do any
of it, but everyone else did. So that kind of stinks.
And when you can't do it with the group, what
does that lead to? It leads to isolation. Okay, so
(09:55):
the isolation. Even when people reach out with you know,
like hope you feel better or sorry we didn't see
you this morning, it doesn't help. Again, I'm not telling
you not to and I'm not telling you don't reach
out to your injured running body. Ultimately, it is very kind.
Ultimately it is the right thing to do. But I
think we all know it doesn't actually help. It does
(10:17):
not ease the sting of not being able to run
the race, to not be there for the group photo,
to not be at post race coffee to not see
your buddies, to not get your metal, to not have
the finished time, to deleting rows off your finishing time
spreadsheet because you didn't do that race. All of that stinks.
And that's all the immediate aftermath of not being able
(10:39):
to run a race. And so in that immediate after math,
what comes next the anger phase. Okay, And it's valid
to be angry. If you weren't angry, it means you
didn't care. We care. We care about this stuff. So
you the first thing and that this is the number
one for me, which is why it's number one. I'm
mad at my body for failing me. What timing body,
(11:03):
we could have done this years ago when we didn't
have epic races on the horizon. I've got tokyo. What
am I supposed to do? Now? My freaking knee is hurt,
So I am actually mad at my body. Then I take, okay,
ish care of question mark, but I'm mad it chose.
Now Now we're gonna have all the problems. Now we're
(11:23):
gonna have knee issues. Now there's gonna be things that
slow us down from training when we're trying to get
ready for one of the biggest races of my freaking
career in Tokyo, which yes, I have other World marathon majors,
but none of them have the time limits of Tokyo.
None of them have the time requirements. And that is
what has me the most frightened. So instead of being
able to buckle down and train hard, I'm figuring out
(11:46):
injury before he can even figure out training. And that sucks.
So yeah, So, like, the big issue is the knee
that decided to tap out right when I needed it,
needed it the most, and I do I need it
right now. And now it's saying, nah, now we're done
for a while. We're gonna we're gonna shut it down,
bad timing me. And so you can be a little
mad about that. You can be mad at your own
body for letting you down. Now it's carried me through
(12:08):
some great stuff, not gonna lie. Yeah, it's well documented
the things I've come back from physically. But now, man,
why do we gotta do that? So then you wonder,
when you get hurt, what did I do wrong? Now
this doesn't so much pertain to me, but it might
pertain to you. You know, did I not stretch it enough?
Did I push too hard? Did I not listen to
the warning signs? Again, the cartilage is gone. That's years
(12:32):
and years and years and years and years of wear
and tear. And I've told you guys, I've been an
athlete since I was seven years old. I have never
not played sports, team, sports of every age, variety, skill level, competitiveness.
I've done all of that since I was seven. So
we're getting close to forty years of being an athlete.
(12:52):
You look at professionals, they're retiring in their mid thirties. Okay,
well I'm still going as hard as I can at
forty five. So and again not comparing myself to professional athlete,
but there's been a lot of wear and tear in
The cartilage is just gone. So again, could I have
stretched it enough to keep it there? No? Could I
have not pushed as hard to make it still be there?
(13:12):
I don't know. Maybe were there warning signs? Probably? But
here I am anyway, And so you know that then
leads to the self blamed spiral that accomplishes nothing but
makes you feel worse. So you blame yourself. Okay, well,
maybe I could have done this differently. Maybe I could
have done that differently. Maybe if you know I had
better jeans, I wouldn't have this problem. And you just
(13:34):
blame yourself and you spiral, and you spiral and me
spiral and everything is terrible and everything sucks and everything's
awful and you're never gonna come back from this again.
And you know, why do you even bother? And so
all that, you know that anger and that shame and
that spiral can take you down worse and worse. When
you already feel bad. It will go ahead and make
you feel worse. It does every time. Yeah, go finger.
(13:55):
So then, of course, for me, my Tokyo Marathon is
in huge jeopardy. And I said last week I was
gonna go out there and I was gonna look at
the Tokyo Marathon deferment policy, of which there isn't one.
The only way they will allow a deferment is if
I was a pregnant woman. Let's just go ahead. Let
that sit for a second. Their only deferment is pregnancy.
(14:18):
An injury doesn't cut it, Nothing cuts it, except for
a pregnancy. So I got struck by lightning and was
accepted to the Tokyo Marathon. It's the only time it's
ever happened. Might be the only time it ever happens,
and there's a chance I just can't go tough pill
(14:40):
to swallow, my friends, that has a tough pill to swallow,
and it makes me angry. Right, this is not just
a random five k. This is the freaking Tokyo Marathon,
of which I may never get into again. So this
is why I have gotten a little angry about this
injury issue. I'm sure you've maybe been in the same
boat as well. So that leads to, of course, the
(15:02):
frustration of time. I don't have time for this. My
training plan doesn't have an injury buffer in it. The
sixteen week marathon training plan started last week. I am
now seven days behind. It is now fifteen weeks to Tokyo,
and I'm behind. I'm way behind. I'm behind the toughest
marathon for timing. That's not a good place to be,
(15:26):
not good at all. So why this anger is actually normal?
And okay, Well, you're grieving a loss, and right now
I am grieving a loss. I am grieving a loss
of the thing that I love to do, of the
thing I decided to do a podcast about the thing
that has brought so many of us together and has
brought you to listening to me yap about it. I
(15:46):
can't run. I have lost the ability to run right now.
And so yes, it's a grieving process and anger is
one of the steps of grieving, right and so there
it is. That's the tie, and that's how it all
makes sense in this. Of course, when you're angry, and
you're angry at something long enough, it takes a mental toll.
So this is where everything else falls apart as well.
So training goes out the window. Obviously, can't run, so
(16:10):
go training. Then nutrition follows, and we've been over that.
Excuse me as my nose starts running. So the nutrition follows.
When you can't train, you just naturally are more lax
than your nutrition. So why does it matter what I eat?
If I'm not burning it off anyway? Why does it
matter if I eat that, really, I don't know, carved
heavy meal. I'm not gonna run it off. It doesn't matter.
(16:32):
You know, it's not gonna affect my run in the morning,
it's not gonna make my stomach upset, it's not gonna
do any of these things. So you know, why do
I care? Why do I care about having more protein
and less carbs? Why do I care? About having all
the veggies, and again we talked about that last week,
how really this is the point where you need to
up your nutrition and you need to be really be careful.
But naturally, just instinctively, we're not going to because we
(16:52):
don't pay as much attention when we're not out there
running and we're not getting the miles and we're not
trying to fuel correctly. So yeah, nutrition follows right behind
training goes out the window. Nutrition follows right behind it
out that very same window. And then sleep. Sleep gets
weird when your routine is disrupted. And boy have I
noticed that lately My sleep is all over the place.
It is off the charts weird right now. There. Just today,
(17:15):
the day of recording this podcast, I woke up at
two forty five, had to use a restroom. I almost
just got out of bed. At three am, I laid
back down and like I was not going to go
back to sleep. I just laid there and laid there
and laid there. And yes, I'm fighting this cold, so
you know, I've got stuffy nos, I've got sore throat,
I've got all that stuff. But I just could not
fall back to sleep, and I almost I almost got
(17:36):
up thankfully around four am. After laying there, I fell
back to sleep and got in about another hour and
a half worth of sleep. But holy cow, it was
rough man, and my routine has just been all messed up.
I got my ORA ring in my garment. Watch, my
body is all over there, like, hey, you're experiencing this,
You're experiencing that. This is off? This is that? Like, yeah,
because my whole routine is off. Like since I put
(17:58):
you two on and you started learning about me and
what I do in things, now I can't do those things.
So yeah, I'll bet my biomechanics, my biometrics all. I
bet that's all crazy right now, and it is. I
get it. And I'm under stress, which the or ring
is big on your stress. I'm under stressed because I
can't do the things that I want to do and
I'm freaking out about it. I can't run. My nutrition's bad.
(18:20):
What am I gonna talk about on the podcast? Are
people even gonna still listen if I know I'm not
doing the races right now? Like it's tough. It messes
with your head again. The mental toll that injury can play.
People think, oh, it's it's a knee injury. All right,
that's just a physical thing. New It is a physical thing,
it is a mental thing, it is an emotional thing.
It is all the things my friends, and none of
(18:43):
them are really good. And that brings to the next point,
the mental health aspect. Okay, so running isn't just exercise.
It's your therapy, your stress relieve, your identity. It is
all of these things. It has been all of those
things that I just listed for me for fifteen years
and it's all gone right now, who am I No.
We kind of talked about that last week, about the
(19:03):
identity part, and it's just as important this week. But
it is my therapy, and it is my stress relief.
Exercise is a natural stress relief. Don't let anyone tell
you different, scientifically proven. My friends, you exercise, it helps
deal with stress. You exercise. It is a natural antidepressant.
You exercise, you feel better. It's called endorphins. It's a thing,
(19:24):
and you're gonna be great. So exercise really helpful. When
you can't do it, it's a problem, might make you just
a little on edge, can you tell maybe a little bit. Yeah,
So that's the mental health aspect again. We're you know,
training's gone. So nutrition follows. Sleep is weird, mental health
is bad. And then there's the doom scrolling, which we
(19:44):
talked about before. You're looking at your Strava. You're seeing
what else, what everyone else is doing. You're seeing all
the metal selfies on Instagram. You're seeing everyone else's training
runs and the race results and celebrating prs and b
queuing and running big races and you're not doing it
sucks and it messes with your head because that's the
only thing in the world that you want to be
(20:05):
doing right now and you can't. You just can't do it.
And then you're comparing your injury to everyone else's progress.
All right, So like there is actual jealousy. You're getting
jealous and it's uncomfortable to admit, but you're mad and
you see someone doing well and you're like, well, I
would have done better, you know, I see what they
did on that have marathon. I would have done it faster,
(20:26):
ify one for a knee. It's the things like that,
And is that fair? No, should we do that to ourselves?
Absolutely not. Is it a thing? Afraid? So yep, praidzo
it is. It's a thing. But again, that's something hopefully
we can kind of push out of our own thing
because as us as runners, the biggest thing we do
in this world is try and support our other runner buddies.
(20:47):
We support other runners no matter what, even when we're mad,
even when we're angry in ourselves, we still want to
support the other runners. And so next, the doubts that
creep in right again, because we're still we're mental. It's
mental right right now. It's not even the physical part.
It's not even just the knee right now. Now we're
all up in our heads. So the doubts that creep in.
Will I ever get back to where I was? It's
(21:08):
a fair question which I don't have an answer, and
no one really does when you're coming back from serious injury.
Am I losing all my fitness right now? Okay? Well,
I said in a previous episode, do you have about
two weeks? I'm a two weeks. I'm probably gonna start
losing some fitness. If I can't get back out there now,
that's not good. What if this becomes chronic chronic knee pain.
(21:30):
I know people who have it. It's never fun, So
that's a concern. What if I can't run Tokyo again?
May never get another opportunity. It may never happen. There
is the catastrophic thinking that comes with forced rest. Okay,
your mind goes to weird places when you can't get
out there and do the things because you're not getting
your stress or leap and you're not getting your mental
(21:51):
break all these things. So your mind could very naturally
go to awful, awful places. Imposter syndrome. You know, maybe
I was never really a runner anyway. Thankfully that's not
creeping in on me, but it might creep in on you.
Sometimes don't think that way. The fear of starting over.
When I do come back, it's going to hurt and
be slow and frustrating, definitely true. I guess positive negative.
(22:14):
I'm not even sure how I'd look at it right now,
because of at times my inconsistency and training and my
at times maybe two open heart surgeries. I have had
to start over before several times. I wish it was
just once, but it's not, and it's doable. I'm letting
you know it's doable. Yeah, it hurts, and it's slow,
(22:35):
and no one ever just jumps right back in where
they were after a very lengthy break. But you can
build back up and let's all say together, how do
we do that consistency. Consistency will build you back up
even when you're coming back from injury. But it is
not an easy process and it's not fast. So what
are runner's not talk about enough in a situation like this? Again?
(22:58):
I know after last week we probably they weren't going
to have this conversation, but we are. So injury isn't
just physical, and it's an identity crisis for many runners.
Absolutely true. I can't run who am I? I can't
run what am I? And so that's definitely something that
runners maybe don't talk about enough when it comes to injury.
The financial sting races. Race fees are paid, like I'm
(23:22):
registered for all these things. Travel plans have been made. Thankfully.
I don't know how this happened, and I'll share it
with you guys, because I don't think these people are
gonna listen. You know, going to Mississippi for the Gulf
Coast for Redemption race, I was able to defer. I
deferred the full marathon to next year, So twenty twenty six,
if you want to go to Mississippi, I'm going. I mean,
assuming my kneeworks, but I was able to defer that.
(23:43):
When I went to cancel my hotel, They're like, Nope,
this is a non canceled, non refundable room. Yikes. I
don't want to sink four hundred dollars in that I'm
not going to be able to use. So I emailed
them and I got like two different responses from two
different customer care reps. One was like, oh yea yeah,
I got you fam refund done and the others like Nope,
no refunds given on this room. Like, oh crap, which
(24:05):
one's gonna win? Thankfully, I saw the refund come in
on my account, like, ah, thank goodness, because that was
gonna be kind of a bitter pill to swallow if
I couldn't have gotten the money back on that hotel. Now,
the hotel in Arkansas that I was gonna stay out
that one night on the way down, Yeah, they're not
refunding me. But that's much less of a cost and
a much smaller hotel, So I'm okay with that. But yeah,
(24:26):
there is the financial sting when you have to miss races,
not only registration fees but potential travel fees as well,
and that stinks. There's also maybe the gear that you purchased.
You know, last year when I went to Mississippi and
I bought the hoodie, and I bought the hat, and
I bought the you know, the stickers and the stuff.
That's all kind of man that hat, the beanie I
bought for the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon, the race that
(24:48):
I dnf. I know that hat is at my workplace
in a desk drawer, and if it's cold in the office,
or if I take a walk around the building or
something in the cold weather, I wear that because it's
bright and people will see me, I guess. But it
is not in regular rotation. The hoodie that doesn't see
the light of day, often not unless I just need
something to go along with a color scheme, because it's
(25:09):
kind of a beige brownish hoodie. But I like the hoodie,
I just don't feel very justified in wearing it. Next
is the social aspect. Your running crew moves on without you,
even though they don't mean it that way. They do.
I don't respond to this, okay, none of you. But
I am willing to bet that this past weekend at
(25:30):
Turkey Trails or Galbagrind, there won't anyone saying, oh God,
where's KYLEA Nah. Now, everyone was doing their thing. Everyone's
got their their races they're doing and yeah, you're running.
Community moves on without you, and it's a tough pill.
And I know, you know, it's not nefarious, it is
not intentional, It is not you know, they want to
(25:51):
be done with you and move on. No, it's just natural.
You interact with who's in front of you. You don't
worry about the people who aren't, you know, because we've
all been at races and missed other races and this
that and the other. Well I'm missing a lot of races,
and so everyone's just kind of moving on. It is
a it's a thing. The social aspect is definitely a thing.
Next the pressure to stay positive when you just want
(26:11):
to be pissed off for a minute. Okay, last week
I tried the positive approach and it worked for a minute,
but then I went back to one to be pissed off.
This past weekend pissed me off. And I'll guarantee you
the mid December when I should be in Mississippi, I'm
not it's gonna piss me off. But with something we
all have to deal with, we all got to get
through that pissiness, and then the running community sometimes make
(26:33):
it worse with the no excuses culture and the constant
productivity mindset. I know he means as a joke, and
this is just the first example that pops in my head.
But when I'm down injured and someone sends you one
of those damnable Goggins videos, doesn't help, right, It doesn't
(26:53):
help that he's staying there in ear muffs, serious ear muffs. Kids.
I won't drop the full word, but you got Goggins,
you you know, wrote harder brother effort. That doesn't help,
all right. Yeah, I wish I was in peak physical
condition and I was that guy and I had that mentality,
but I'm not. I'm not in peak physical condition. I'm
(27:14):
older than him, and I'm broken down. Yeah, he's great,
and if you find his stuff motivational, super wonderful. But
when I'm down injured and I can't do shit about it,
don't send me one of those videos. It doesn't help.
And again there's been other things, but that's the first
one in the guy who sends those again, I know
he sends mostly as a joke just to piss me off,
and it works. But I know he also finds that
kind of stuff very motivational. It doesn't work for me.
(27:36):
So the realistic middle ground. So this is not it's
not depressing, but it's not cheerful. This is just real. So, yes,
this sucks, you just have to acknowledge it. Yes, this sucks.
And no, I'm not grateful for the lesson. I'm not
grateful for the time off. I'm not grateful that any
of this has happened. Okay, it sucks, and there's no
(27:57):
two ways about it. I'd rather be running. What can
you actually control, Well, I can't really control much. I
can control the choice to go out there and potentially
make it worse or stay off of it until I
see the doctor and see what they say. That is
what's in my control right now. Not great options, but
I guess options the difference between wallowing and processing. You
(28:19):
are allowed to be mad, but at some point you
have to make decisions. I think we're there. I'm mad,
but I've made decisions. I've made decisions to reach back
out to the doctor to not do that ten K.
I've made decisions. But yeah, you are allowed to be
pissed off. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise because I
know runners we like to be very positive, and I
think that's great. But you are allowed to be angry,
and I think that's important to know as well. Small actions.
(28:42):
Seeing the doctor, that's a small action, and that's when
I'm taking doing physical therapy if that's what's called for.
Another small action that I need to do, doing the
boring rehab work or cross training if possible, even if
you hate it. These are all small actions. You can do,
these things giving yourself permission to grieve without a timeline.
I'll feel better when I feel better. I like that.
(29:04):
I like that one a lot. I'll feel better when
I feel better now when you tell me to feel better,
not when runners think I should feel better. I'm gonna
feel better when I feel better. Man, I relate to that.
You might as well. Let's see the nutrition piece. You
don't have to be perfect. We've said this before, but
completely falling off the wagon makes everything harder when you
(29:25):
do come back, So try not to fall completely off
the wagon. I'm just here today. I've really tried to
wrap my mind around getting back to the to the
dieting part, or the nutritional part, not dieting. Sorry, just
a little more nutritious, a little more aware of the
things that I'm putting inside my body right now, That's
kind of where I'm at trying to start it up today.
(29:46):
You always start things on Mondays, right always, Let's see
here and then finding something anything to maintain structure, walk, stretching, strength, work,
whatever your body allows. I am going to try and
do a little more walking as I can. The dogs
will appreciate that, just to continue to get out and
to do something. Dagdam it. Let's see. So for every
(30:08):
runner who's been here, if you're listening and dealing with injury,
you're not alone, You're not weak, and your frustration is valid.
I know there's a lot of people dealing with injuries
right now. Terry. I'm looking at you all right, and
you got it worse than I do. But we're all
kind of there right now. You are allowed to be
pissed off, and I know you are. I know you're frustrated,
and you're allowed. It does not make you a lesser
(30:29):
runner because you suffered an injury. Most runners do, but
we always blame ourselves. Oh, I'm not a good runner
because I got hurt. No, No, we're doing a physical thing.
Physical things can lead to injury. Injuries happen. That's where
you're at, so don't beat yourself up over it. It happens.
You can be mad, but don't beat yourself up over it.
The comeback will happen, even if it doesn't feel like
(30:50):
it right now. And then for runners who haven't faced
this yet, and I'm sure there's some it's coming at
some point, and when it does, give yourself the grace
to feel the full range of emotions about it. All right.
If you have never had a running injury, ay, great
on you. You're doing well. I don't wish running injury
upon you. But there is a great chance that it
(31:11):
comes along. When it does, maybe come back to this
episode sometime, be like, okay, I need a little refresher here.
And then all right, so where I am right now? Yeah,
I'm still pissed, and I'm fine with that, all right.
I'm not going to sit here in sugarcoat and be like, oh,
it's great. Nope, I'm angry. I have missed these last
two weeks of running races. This is the best time
of year to run. I've said for years now. Fall
(31:31):
was my favorite running season. And I can't run and
it sucks. You are still a runner even if you
can't run today, and I can't run today, or at
least I shouldn't, I could should different things. Tokyo is
still on my calendar. As I said, I am not
making any decisions until I see the doctor on December first,
and then after that then I'll start making those decisions.
My decision was to reach out to the doctor. My
(31:53):
decision was to book the appointment. Now. More decisions will
be made after the appointment, and then for now, one
day at a time, doing what you can and then
feeling what you feel. Great. So that is really all
I got for this episode. Okay, now we're still right
around time, even though sorry, I feel like I'm like
screaming at you, just trying to get my voice out
(32:15):
right now. We will be back on the next episode,
A Second Wind on Friday, that is the day after Thanksgiving.
So from my family from the Back of the Back
podcast to your family, have a very happy Thanksgiving. I
hope your race that morning goes wonderfully. Load up on
punkin pie and turkey and whatever you enjoy for the holidays.
I am very thankful and grateful for all of you
(32:36):
who tune in and listen to this podcast and have
made it what it is. So I have a very
happy holiday to you, and then we will see you
Friday on Second Wind to wrap up our November series
which is run the Reset. Okay, so that's gonna do it.
For this week's episode of the Back to Back podcast.
I'm your host, Kyle Walker. It is my pleasure as always, everyone,
have a safe week of training, Happy Thanksgiving. We will
(32:57):
see you next week.
Hello, everyone, greasy and salutations. Welcome back to another episode
at the Back of the Pack podcast. I'm your host,
Kyle Walker. Thank you so much for tuning in. Right
off the top, apparently it's my turn. It's my turn
for the crap. I am definitely under the weather today,
came down with one of the you know, seasonal colds.
So this may not be the longest podcast ever. And
if I sound funny, I apologize right off the front.
(00:33):
In my own head, I know I don't sound right.
I don't know if that's gonna come across the microphone
and the airwaves to you, but I know I do
not sound right and I do not feel great right now.
But hey, tis the season. Happens to the best of us.
You know, what are you gonna do? This past weekend
was It looked like a fun weekend out and about.
Of course, I'm still on the shelf with injury, but
this was kind of, as I looked at it, the
(00:54):
last big weekend of running for the year here in town.
It was the last full marathon and half marathon that
I know of here in the area with the Gobbler Grind,
so Goblergrind full Marathon, half Marathon. I know people who
did both. Congratulations to all of you. A good job
if you were out there doing gobbler grind, five K,
ten K, half or full, there's there's like no more.
(01:17):
There's no more here in the Midwest that I'm aware of. Also,
Root sixty six was this past weekend as well, so
a lot of people down doing Route sixty six until
its to Oklahoma again. I think that's kind of it.
As I look at our calendar on what I can
and cannot do, there are only five k's and ten
k's for the remainder of the year here locally, and
then of course right before Christmas, all that stuff just
(01:39):
stops completely and there is nothing, nothing to nobody, nothing
to do. So good job to everyone who was out
this weekend. I contemplated going to the ten k I
was signed up for on Saturday, which was the Turkey Trails.
Kind of wish I had, because the medals looked amazing,
big honkin medals for a five K and a ten K,
but I didn't. I was good ish, you know, I'm
(02:02):
respected that I'm hurt, and I didn't want to go
out and maybe make things worse. Not gonna lie that
feeling is starting to rapidly go away, as I am
now two full weeks of no running at all, no running,
no soccer, no anything, barely even taking some walks, like
it is flat killing me. So I know that last
(02:24):
week we had talked about everything talked about injury. We
were going to turn it all into a positive. We
weren't going to be whiny face this, that and the other.
We're taking a bit of a different approach this week,
because hey, not everyone agrees with how I handle things.
You might want to feel a little differently than the
stuff I spouted out last week, and even in the
(02:44):
middle of that episode last week talking about how we're
still going to be in the running community and you know,
even when you're injured, you can still be a part
of things. And while I don't disagree with anything I said,
I am going to kind of give you the other
side of that coin today because it's not one size
fits all. Not everyone deals with things the same exact way.
(03:05):
Not everyone's going to deal with things the way that
I say, And I may not want to deal with
things the same way previous week to this week that
I had before. I might want to switch things up,
and I can tell you that that's absolutely what has
happened this weekend, because as I sit here now, I
can't run, and I'm actually a little pissed about it.
Like I am not thrilled with this, I am not
(03:27):
happy with how things have progressed. I want to run.
I have not been out for two weeks and it
is flat killing me. Where I was in kind of
a bad mood this weekend. Now, Granted, when you get sick,
it doesn't help you, know, you feel you feel gross,
you feel like, oh man, I'm stuck on the couch
or I'm stuck inside. I don't want to be I'm
(03:47):
missing races, I'm losing money, I'm losing content for the podcast.
I'm losing all these things. But honestly, you know, my
body says no, and I'm a little pissed about it.
So where I am. I still can't run. I still well,
I'm choosing not to, but I don't know how much
longer that's gonna last. I might actually go up for
(04:08):
a mile today and just kinda see how things feel. Yeah,
I'm choosing not to play my men's indoor soccer. Well
that might change because it's the week of Thanksgiving. And
we already have a lot of guys who I think
are out for Tuesdays, so they might need me, and
I don't want to let people down. And yes, there
is the risk that I completely blow things out, and
that's a risk that's just gonna kind of be there.
No sorry, but man, this is hard. This is really hard.
(04:32):
And if you've been injured and you've been out for
an extended period of time, you're probably sitting there going, yeah,
it is. It is freaking hard, but it is. So
you know, this isn't gonna be one of those everything
happens for a reason kind of episode. You know, sometimes
things suck, and today we're gonna talk about what that
kind of actually feels like when things just kind of suck.
And that's where I am right now. Last week I
(04:54):
tried to put the happy face on it. I really did,
and again I agree with everything I said last week,
but I'm not in that same headspace this week. And
so that's kind of what we're going to talk about.
So what we're covering is the physical reality of injury,
the mental warfare that it creates, and the jealousy that
creeps in the spiral of bad habits when your routine
(05:15):
falls apart because all these things are legit. And even
though yes, we addressed most of these last week and
we put the really happy, go lucky spin on things
and again not disagreeing with any of it, it is
not how everyone works. There are sometimes where you get
hurt and you are mad, you are angry, and you
know what, that's okay too. You don't want to live
in it, you don't want to stay in it, but
(05:37):
you are going to be there, especially when the injury
is costing you time and trouble and money and all
the things that is affecting us right now. So here's
what we have in like the immediate aftermath of when
running gets taken away, and I still feel like, even
though it's been two weeks, I'm kind of in that
immediate aftermath, all right. So like the moment you realize
you can't run, or worse that you shouldn't. It's not
(06:01):
that I can't, I can, I have been. My times
aren't great kind of hurts, but it's shouldn't, not can't.
And that's very different, and that plays a very different
trick with your mind. That's why I like Saturday, I
could have run that ten k I definitely shouldn't have,
(06:23):
but I could have. I didn't, but I could have.
And that's that's just the mental game that your mind
is going to play on you over and over and
over again while you were down injured. What you could
do and what you should do very very different things.
And that's rough. Excuse me. I told you guys, I'm sick,
and I am not going to try and go back
and edit out every time I have to clear my
(06:44):
throat or I get a little choked up. So deal
with it. Teg nevit. I'm angry today. So all right,
So that first race that you have to DNS, the
first race that you don't start, you know, the five
k that well, for me, it was the Endurance Weekend.
It was that five k. That was the first race that,
due to injury, I could not do And it kind
(07:06):
of takes me off. But again, we missed Yeddi and
Durance Weekend and we came back with last Monday's episode
and we're putting a happy spin on things and everything
is great and blah lah lah. But boy, as these
races are piling up, that really is playing more of
a mental toll on me. The five K, now gone
YETI Half Marathon gone, Turkey Trails ten k this past
(07:26):
Saturday gone, and I've already given away my word Parkway
Thanksgiving Day ten k as well. So that gone. That's
a lot of money out the window. And then that's
just a lot of races that I would much rather
be doing than not doing anything at all. And so
by the end of this, you know, by Thanksgiving Day,
I'm gonna be flat ticked. Not to mention my annual
(07:47):
tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. Man, I can't do
that either. I mean, I could go occupy space on
the field, But there have been years. It's been a
long time, but there have been years where that game's
gotten pretty competitive and you don't want to be out
there hobble. My favorite year was when we were all
playing and there's one friend who's kind of on the
outside or the outliers of the friend group. Well, he
(08:08):
brought a bunch of his people, and so it ended
up being him and his people versus my people. Whereas
normally we're just playing each other, were all got to
be together and take on these other people and we
absolutely crushed them and it was great. That was also
a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away,
where I had knees that were great at that time.
Not the case here anymore. So. Next up the specific
(08:29):
sting of seeing the running crew. Yeah, like I'm seeing
everyone putting their pictures out there, posting their selfies. Of
course everything is popping off today on Metal Monday. As
I record, it sucks, so I ain't for Metal Monday.
Had to pull out a metal from twenty fourteen just
to kind of give us something to talk about, something
to post you've seen. I've also put out some computer
(08:52):
generated images of like a back of the pack podcast
five K Metal ha ha. Maybe someday, you know, it's
things like that. I'd rather show you what I just got.
I'd rather have seen everyone at the race. But there're
certainly just that not being able to see everyone and
then seeing what they've done that you couldn't that also
gets in your head and it can really kind of
take you off and then again not angry at anyone,
(09:13):
definitely jealous of everyone. That's one hundred percent correct. And
I bet you've had that as well at times where
you couldn't run or you had to miss a race,
and then you see everyone posting from that race that
you couldn't run, or you know, something popped up and
you're like, oh man, what are the kids calling nowadays? Follo? Yeah,
you have like some serious freaking fomo. That is the
(09:34):
stupidest word ever. I'm just throwing that out there. But
there is a sting of seeing everyone do the thing
that you wanted to do and that you couldn't do. So,
you know, from the group pictures to the metals to
the coffee post race, you didn't get to do any
of it, but everyone else did. So that kind of stinks.
And when you can't do it with the group, what
does that lead to? It leads to isolation. Okay, so
(09:55):
the isolation. Even when people reach out with you know,
like hope you feel better or sorry we didn't see
you this morning, it doesn't help. Again, I'm not telling
you not to and I'm not telling you don't reach
out to your injured running body. Ultimately, it is very kind.
Ultimately it is the right thing to do. But I
think we all know it doesn't actually help. It does
(10:17):
not ease the sting of not being able to run
the race, to not be there for the group photo,
to not be at post race coffee to not see
your buddies, to not get your metal, to not have
the finished time, to deleting rows off your finishing time
spreadsheet because you didn't do that race. All of that stinks.
And that's all the immediate aftermath of not being able
(10:39):
to run a race. And so in that immediate after math,
what comes next the anger phase. Okay, And it's valid
to be angry. If you weren't angry, it means you
didn't care. We care. We care about this stuff. So
you the first thing and that this is the number
one for me, which is why it's number one. I'm
mad at my body for failing me. What timing body,
(11:03):
we could have done this years ago when we didn't
have epic races on the horizon. I've got tokyo. What
am I supposed to do? Now? My freaking knee is hurt,
So I am actually mad at my body. Then I take, okay,
ish care of question mark, but I'm mad it chose.
Now Now we're gonna have all the problems. Now we're
(11:23):
gonna have knee issues. Now there's gonna be things that
slow us down from training when we're trying to get
ready for one of the biggest races of my freaking
career in Tokyo, which yes, I have other World marathon majors,
but none of them have the time limits of Tokyo.
None of them have the time requirements. And that is
what has me the most frightened. So instead of being
able to buckle down and train hard, I'm figuring out
(11:46):
injury before he can even figure out training. And that sucks.
So yeah, So, like, the big issue is the knee
that decided to tap out right when I needed it,
needed it the most, and I do I need it
right now. And now it's saying, nah, now we're done
for a while. We're gonna we're gonna shut it down,
bad timing me. And so you can be a little
mad about that. You can be mad at your own
body for letting you down. Now it's carried me through
(12:08):
some great stuff, not gonna lie. Yeah, it's well documented
the things I've come back from physically. But now, man,
why do we gotta do that? So then you wonder,
when you get hurt, what did I do wrong? Now
this doesn't so much pertain to me, but it might
pertain to you. You know, did I not stretch it enough?
Did I push too hard? Did I not listen to
the warning signs? Again, the cartilage is gone. That's years
(12:32):
and years and years and years and years of wear
and tear. And I've told you guys, I've been an
athlete since I was seven years old. I have never
not played sports, team, sports of every age, variety, skill level, competitiveness.
I've done all of that since I was seven. So
we're getting close to forty years of being an athlete.
(12:52):
You look at professionals, they're retiring in their mid thirties. Okay,
well I'm still going as hard as I can at
forty five. So and again not comparing myself to professional athlete,
but there's been a lot of wear and tear in
The cartilage is just gone. So again, could I have
stretched it enough to keep it there? No? Could I
have not pushed as hard to make it still be there?
(13:12):
I don't know. Maybe were there warning signs? Probably? But
here I am anyway, And so you know that then
leads to the self blamed spiral that accomplishes nothing but
makes you feel worse. So you blame yourself. Okay, well,
maybe I could have done this differently. Maybe I could
have done that differently. Maybe if you know I had
better jeans, I wouldn't have this problem. And you just
(13:34):
blame yourself and you spiral, and you spiral and me
spiral and everything is terrible and everything sucks and everything's
awful and you're never gonna come back from this again.
And you know, why do you even bother? And so
all that, you know that anger and that shame and
that spiral can take you down worse and worse. When
you already feel bad. It will go ahead and make
you feel worse. It does every time. Yeah, go finger.
(13:55):
So then, of course, for me, my Tokyo Marathon is
in huge jeopardy. And I said last week I was
gonna go out there and I was gonna look at
the Tokyo Marathon deferment policy, of which there isn't one.
The only way they will allow a deferment is if
I was a pregnant woman. Let's just go ahead. Let
that sit for a second. Their only deferment is pregnancy.
(14:18):
An injury doesn't cut it, Nothing cuts it, except for
a pregnancy. So I got struck by lightning and was
accepted to the Tokyo Marathon. It's the only time it's
ever happened. Might be the only time it ever happens,
and there's a chance I just can't go tough pill
(14:40):
to swallow, my friends, that has a tough pill to swallow,
and it makes me angry. Right, this is not just
a random five k. This is the freaking Tokyo Marathon,
of which I may never get into again. So this
is why I have gotten a little angry about this
injury issue. I'm sure you've maybe been in the same
boat as well. So that leads to, of course, the
(15:02):
frustration of time. I don't have time for this. My
training plan doesn't have an injury buffer in it. The
sixteen week marathon training plan started last week. I am
now seven days behind. It is now fifteen weeks to Tokyo,
and I'm behind. I'm way behind. I'm behind the toughest
marathon for timing. That's not a good place to be,
(15:26):
not good at all. So why this anger is actually normal?
And okay, Well, you're grieving a loss, and right now
I am grieving a loss. I am grieving a loss
of the thing that I love to do, of the
thing I decided to do a podcast about the thing
that has brought so many of us together and has
brought you to listening to me yap about it. I
(15:46):
can't run. I have lost the ability to run right now.
And so yes, it's a grieving process and anger is
one of the steps of grieving, right and so there
it is. That's the tie, and that's how it all
makes sense in this. Of course, when you're angry, and
you're angry at something long enough, it takes a mental toll.
So this is where everything else falls apart as well.
So training goes out the window. Obviously, can't run, so
(16:10):
go training. Then nutrition follows, and we've been over that.
Excuse me as my nose starts running. So the nutrition follows.
When you can't train, you just naturally are more lax
than your nutrition. So why does it matter what I eat?
If I'm not burning it off anyway? Why does it
matter if I eat that, really, I don't know, carved
heavy meal. I'm not gonna run it off. It doesn't matter.
(16:32):
You know, it's not gonna affect my run in the morning,
it's not gonna make my stomach upset, it's not gonna
do any of these things. So you know, why do
I care? Why do I care about having more protein
and less carbs? Why do I care? About having all
the veggies, and again we talked about that last week,
how really this is the point where you need to
up your nutrition and you need to be really be careful.
But naturally, just instinctively, we're not going to because we
(16:52):
don't pay as much attention when we're not out there
running and we're not getting the miles and we're not
trying to fuel correctly. So yeah, nutrition follows right behind
training goes out the window. Nutrition follows right behind it
out that very same window. And then sleep. Sleep gets
weird when your routine is disrupted. And boy have I
noticed that lately My sleep is all over the place.
It is off the charts weird right now. There. Just today,
(17:15):
the day of recording this podcast, I woke up at
two forty five, had to use a restroom. I almost
just got out of bed. At three am, I laid
back down and like I was not going to go
back to sleep. I just laid there and laid there
and laid there. And yes, I'm fighting this cold, so
you know, I've got stuffy nos, I've got sore throat,
I've got all that stuff. But I just could not
fall back to sleep, and I almost I almost got
(17:36):
up thankfully around four am. After laying there, I fell
back to sleep and got in about another hour and
a half worth of sleep. But holy cow, it was
rough man, and my routine has just been all messed up.
I got my ORA ring in my garment. Watch, my
body is all over there, like, hey, you're experiencing this,
You're experiencing that. This is off? This is that? Like, yeah,
because my whole routine is off. Like since I put
(17:58):
you two on and you started learning about me and
what I do in things, now I can't do those things.
So yeah, I'll bet my biomechanics, my biometrics all. I
bet that's all crazy right now, and it is. I
get it. And I'm under stress, which the or ring
is big on your stress. I'm under stressed because I
can't do the things that I want to do and
I'm freaking out about it. I can't run. My nutrition's bad.
(18:20):
What am I gonna talk about on the podcast? Are
people even gonna still listen if I know I'm not
doing the races right now? Like it's tough. It messes
with your head again. The mental toll that injury can play.
People think, oh, it's it's a knee injury. All right,
that's just a physical thing. New It is a physical thing,
it is a mental thing, it is an emotional thing.
It is all the things my friends, and none of
(18:43):
them are really good. And that brings to the next point,
the mental health aspect. Okay, so running isn't just exercise.
It's your therapy, your stress relieve, your identity. It is
all of these things. It has been all of those
things that I just listed for me for fifteen years
and it's all gone right now, who am I No.
We kind of talked about that last week, about the
(19:03):
identity part, and it's just as important this week. But
it is my therapy, and it is my stress relief.
Exercise is a natural stress relief. Don't let anyone tell
you different, scientifically proven. My friends, you exercise, it helps
deal with stress. You exercise. It is a natural antidepressant.
You exercise, you feel better. It's called endorphins. It's a thing,
(19:24):
and you're gonna be great. So exercise really helpful. When
you can't do it, it's a problem, might make you just
a little on edge, can you tell maybe a little bit. Yeah,
So that's the mental health aspect again. We're you know,
training's gone. So nutrition follows. Sleep is weird, mental health
is bad. And then there's the doom scrolling, which we
(19:44):
talked about before. You're looking at your Strava. You're seeing
what else, what everyone else is doing. You're seeing all
the metal selfies on Instagram. You're seeing everyone else's training
runs and the race results and celebrating prs and b
queuing and running big races and you're not doing it
sucks and it messes with your head because that's the
only thing in the world that you want to be
(20:05):
doing right now and you can't. You just can't do it.
And then you're comparing your injury to everyone else's progress.
All right, So like there is actual jealousy. You're getting
jealous and it's uncomfortable to admit, but you're mad and
you see someone doing well and you're like, well, I
would have done better, you know, I see what they
did on that have marathon. I would have done it faster,
(20:26):
ify one for a knee. It's the things like that,
And is that fair? No, should we do that to ourselves?
Absolutely not. Is it a thing? Afraid? So yep, praidzo
it is. It's a thing. But again, that's something hopefully
we can kind of push out of our own thing
because as us as runners, the biggest thing we do
in this world is try and support our other runner buddies.
(20:47):
We support other runners no matter what, even when we're mad,
even when we're angry in ourselves, we still want to
support the other runners. And so next, the doubts that
creep in right again, because we're still we're mental. It's
mental right right now. It's not even the physical part.
It's not even just the knee right now. Now we're
all up in our heads. So the doubts that creep in.
Will I ever get back to where I was? It's
(21:08):
a fair question which I don't have an answer, and
no one really does when you're coming back from serious injury.
Am I losing all my fitness right now? Okay? Well,
I said in a previous episode, do you have about
two weeks? I'm a two weeks. I'm probably gonna start
losing some fitness. If I can't get back out there now,
that's not good. What if this becomes chronic chronic knee pain.
(21:30):
I know people who have it. It's never fun, So
that's a concern. What if I can't run Tokyo again?
May never get another opportunity. It may never happen. There
is the catastrophic thinking that comes with forced rest. Okay,
your mind goes to weird places when you can't get
out there and do the things because you're not getting
your stress or leap and you're not getting your mental
(21:51):
break all these things. So your mind could very naturally
go to awful, awful places. Imposter syndrome. You know, maybe
I was never really a runner anyway. Thankfully that's not
creeping in on me, but it might creep in on you.
Sometimes don't think that way. The fear of starting over.
When I do come back, it's going to hurt and
be slow and frustrating, definitely true. I guess positive negative.
(22:14):
I'm not even sure how I'd look at it right now,
because of at times my inconsistency and training and my
at times maybe two open heart surgeries. I have had
to start over before several times. I wish it was
just once, but it's not, and it's doable. I'm letting
you know it's doable. Yeah, it hurts, and it's slow,
(22:35):
and no one ever just jumps right back in where
they were after a very lengthy break. But you can
build back up and let's all say together, how do
we do that consistency. Consistency will build you back up
even when you're coming back from injury. But it is
not an easy process and it's not fast. So what
are runner's not talk about enough in a situation like this? Again?
(22:58):
I know after last week we probably they weren't going
to have this conversation, but we are. So injury isn't
just physical, and it's an identity crisis for many runners.
Absolutely true. I can't run who am I? I can't
run what am I? And so that's definitely something that
runners maybe don't talk about enough when it comes to injury.
The financial sting races. Race fees are paid, like I'm
(23:22):
registered for all these things. Travel plans have been made. Thankfully.
I don't know how this happened, and I'll share it
with you guys, because I don't think these people are
gonna listen. You know, going to Mississippi for the Gulf
Coast for Redemption race, I was able to defer. I
deferred the full marathon to next year, So twenty twenty six,
if you want to go to Mississippi, I'm going. I mean,
assuming my kneeworks, but I was able to defer that.
(23:43):
When I went to cancel my hotel, They're like, Nope,
this is a non canceled, non refundable room. Yikes. I
don't want to sink four hundred dollars in that I'm
not going to be able to use. So I emailed
them and I got like two different responses from two
different customer care reps. One was like, oh yea yeah,
I got you fam refund done and the others like Nope,
no refunds given on this room. Like, oh crap, which
(24:05):
one's gonna win? Thankfully, I saw the refund come in
on my account, like, ah, thank goodness, because that was
gonna be kind of a bitter pill to swallow if
I couldn't have gotten the money back on that hotel. Now,
the hotel in Arkansas that I was gonna stay out
that one night on the way down, Yeah, they're not
refunding me. But that's much less of a cost and
a much smaller hotel, So I'm okay with that. But yeah,
(24:26):
there is the financial sting when you have to miss races,
not only registration fees but potential travel fees as well,
and that stinks. There's also maybe the gear that you purchased.
You know, last year when I went to Mississippi and
I bought the hoodie, and I bought the hat, and
I bought the you know, the stickers and the stuff.
That's all kind of man that hat, the beanie I
bought for the Mississippi Gulf Coast Marathon, the race that
(24:48):
I dnf. I know that hat is at my workplace
in a desk drawer, and if it's cold in the office,
or if I take a walk around the building or
something in the cold weather, I wear that because it's
bright and people will see me, I guess. But it
is not in regular rotation. The hoodie that doesn't see
the light of day, often not unless I just need
something to go along with a color scheme, because it's
(25:09):
kind of a beige brownish hoodie. But I like the hoodie,
I just don't feel very justified in wearing it. Next
is the social aspect. Your running crew moves on without you,
even though they don't mean it that way. They do.
I don't respond to this, okay, none of you. But
I am willing to bet that this past weekend at
(25:30):
Turkey Trails or Galbagrind, there won't anyone saying, oh God,
where's KYLEA Nah. Now, everyone was doing their thing. Everyone's
got their their races they're doing and yeah, you're running.
Community moves on without you, and it's a tough pill.
And I know, you know, it's not nefarious, it is
not intentional, It is not you know, they want to
(25:51):
be done with you and move on. No, it's just natural.
You interact with who's in front of you. You don't
worry about the people who aren't, you know, because we've
all been at races and missed other races and this
that and the other. Well I'm missing a lot of races,
and so everyone's just kind of moving on. It is
a it's a thing. The social aspect is definitely a thing.
Next the pressure to stay positive when you just want
(26:11):
to be pissed off for a minute. Okay, last week
I tried the positive approach and it worked for a minute,
but then I went back to one to be pissed off.
This past weekend pissed me off. And I'll guarantee you
the mid December when I should be in Mississippi, I'm
not it's gonna piss me off. But with something we
all have to deal with, we all got to get
through that pissiness, and then the running community sometimes make
(26:33):
it worse with the no excuses culture and the constant
productivity mindset. I know he means as a joke, and
this is just the first example that pops in my head.
But when I'm down injured and someone sends you one
of those damnable Goggins videos, doesn't help, right, It doesn't
(26:53):
help that he's staying there in ear muffs, serious ear muffs. Kids.
I won't drop the full word, but you got Goggins,
you you know, wrote harder brother effort. That doesn't help,
all right. Yeah, I wish I was in peak physical
condition and I was that guy and I had that mentality,
but I'm not. I'm not in peak physical condition. I'm
(27:14):
older than him, and I'm broken down. Yeah, he's great,
and if you find his stuff motivational, super wonderful. But
when I'm down injured and I can't do shit about it,
don't send me one of those videos. It doesn't help.
And again there's been other things, but that's the first
one in the guy who sends those again, I know
he sends mostly as a joke just to piss me off,
and it works. But I know he also finds that
kind of stuff very motivational. It doesn't work for me.
(27:36):
So the realistic middle ground. So this is not it's
not depressing, but it's not cheerful. This is just real. So, yes,
this sucks, you just have to acknowledge it. Yes, this sucks.
And no, I'm not grateful for the lesson. I'm not
grateful for the time off. I'm not grateful that any
of this has happened. Okay, it sucks, and there's no
(27:57):
two ways about it. I'd rather be running. What can
you actually control, Well, I can't really control much. I
can control the choice to go out there and potentially
make it worse or stay off of it until I
see the doctor and see what they say. That is
what's in my control right now. Not great options, but
I guess options the difference between wallowing and processing. You
(28:19):
are allowed to be mad, but at some point you
have to make decisions. I think we're there. I'm mad,
but I've made decisions. I've made decisions to reach back
out to the doctor to not do that ten K.
I've made decisions. But yeah, you are allowed to be
pissed off. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise because I
know runners we like to be very positive, and I
think that's great. But you are allowed to be angry,
and I think that's important to know as well. Small actions.
(28:42):
Seeing the doctor, that's a small action, and that's when
I'm taking doing physical therapy if that's what's called for.
Another small action that I need to do, doing the
boring rehab work or cross training if possible, even if
you hate it. These are all small actions. You can do,
these things giving yourself permission to grieve without a timeline.
I'll feel better when I feel better. I like that.
(29:04):
I like that one a lot. I'll feel better when
I feel better now when you tell me to feel better,
not when runners think I should feel better. I'm gonna
feel better when I feel better. Man, I relate to that.
You might as well. Let's see the nutrition piece. You
don't have to be perfect. We've said this before, but
completely falling off the wagon makes everything harder when you
(29:25):
do come back, So try not to fall completely off
the wagon. I'm just here today. I've really tried to
wrap my mind around getting back to the to the
dieting part, or the nutritional part, not dieting. Sorry, just
a little more nutritious, a little more aware of the
things that I'm putting inside my body right now, That's
kind of where I'm at trying to start it up today.
(29:46):
You always start things on Mondays, right always, Let's see
here and then finding something anything to maintain structure, walk, stretching, strength, work,
whatever your body allows. I am going to try and
do a little more walking as I can. The dogs
will appreciate that, just to continue to get out and
to do something. Dagdam it. Let's see. So for every
(30:08):
runner who's been here, if you're listening and dealing with injury,
you're not alone, You're not weak, and your frustration is valid.
I know there's a lot of people dealing with injuries
right now. Terry. I'm looking at you all right, and
you got it worse than I do. But we're all
kind of there right now. You are allowed to be
pissed off, and I know you are. I know you're frustrated,
and you're allowed. It does not make you a lesser
(30:29):
runner because you suffered an injury. Most runners do, but
we always blame ourselves. Oh, I'm not a good runner
because I got hurt. No, No, we're doing a physical thing.
Physical things can lead to injury. Injuries happen. That's where
you're at, so don't beat yourself up over it. It happens.
You can be mad, but don't beat yourself up over it.
The comeback will happen, even if it doesn't feel like
(30:50):
it right now. And then for runners who haven't faced
this yet, and I'm sure there's some it's coming at
some point, and when it does, give yourself the grace
to feel the full range of emotions about it. All right.
If you have never had a running injury, ay, great
on you. You're doing well. I don't wish running injury
upon you. But there is a great chance that it
(31:11):
comes along. When it does, maybe come back to this
episode sometime, be like, okay, I need a little refresher here.
And then all right, so where I am right now? Yeah,
I'm still pissed, and I'm fine with that, all right.
I'm not going to sit here in sugarcoat and be like, oh,
it's great. Nope, I'm angry. I have missed these last
two weeks of running races. This is the best time
of year to run. I've said for years now. Fall
(31:31):
was my favorite running season. And I can't run and
it sucks. You are still a runner even if you
can't run today, and I can't run today, or at
least I shouldn't, I could should different things. Tokyo is
still on my calendar. As I said, I am not
making any decisions until I see the doctor on December first,
and then after that then I'll start making those decisions.
My decision was to reach out to the doctor. My
(31:53):
decision was to book the appointment. Now. More decisions will
be made after the appointment, and then for now, one
day at a time, doing what you can and then
feeling what you feel. Great. So that is really all
I got for this episode. Okay, now we're still right
around time, even though sorry, I feel like I'm like
screaming at you, just trying to get my voice out
(32:15):
right now. We will be back on the next episode,
A Second Wind on Friday, that is the day after Thanksgiving.
So from my family from the Back of the Back
podcast to your family, have a very happy Thanksgiving. I
hope your race that morning goes wonderfully. Load up on
punkin pie and turkey and whatever you enjoy for the holidays.
I am very thankful and grateful for all of you
(32:36):
who tune in and listen to this podcast and have
made it what it is. So I have a very
happy holiday to you, and then we will see you
Friday on Second Wind to wrap up our November series
which is run the Reset. Okay, so that's gonna do it.
For this week's episode of the Back to Back podcast.
I'm your host, Kyle Walker. It is my pleasure as always, everyone,
have a safe week of training, Happy Thanksgiving. We will
(32:57):
see you next week.
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