Elizabeth Morrison's Journey from Addiction to Empowerment

In this powerful episode of Be a Voice, Britt sits down with Elizabeth Morrison, a woman whose journey through addiction and recovery is nothing short of inspiring. Starting at the age of 15, Elizabeth battled multiple addictions, but through determination and support, she transformed her life. Now, as the Project Manager at Penn Medicine’s Center for Medicine, she is helping others find the recovery and compassion they need. Tune in for a conversation that highlights resilience, hope, and the power of giving back. Another unforgettable episode of strength and healing!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Welcome to be a voice. I'm Brick Carpenter on USULA Media.
Thanks for joining me today. As we know, this season,
I've been talking a lot about switching gears and talking
about how people in their lives switch gears. And you know,
because one time you're you're in a lane, you decide
it's time to move switch those gears. You gotta move over.
And I'm sitting here with somebody today who knows very
much about switching gears and has been doing so for

(00:43):
quite some time. Sitting here in a very close friend
of mine and a person also in long term recovery,
Elizabeth Morrison.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
Hi, Liz, Hello, that was very official, Like Morrison loved that.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
I love that, Elizabeth Moore.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
It was like it brings like a clearsness to me
I desperately need all the time.

Speaker 1 (01:00):
Is some class you know, class class? Yeah, because you're
definitely not a classy bitch, right, not at all.

Speaker 3 (01:05):
That's not something that I aspire to have.

Speaker 1 (01:08):
And I love that about you. I end up there,
but I love you know what though, you could you
have to play that game, you know, it's it's just
part of life.

Speaker 2 (01:15):
And I love the switching gears.

Speaker 1 (01:17):
I love that I do, and we have and you
are a person who has switched many gears in your life.
I have, yes, and.

Speaker 2 (01:24):
I'm pretty and it's taken years to get into this
lane that I'm in that I'm pretty comfortable in, and
I love that, but still amazed. For example, Saturday, I
was down at Lorenzo's just down there on South Street,
and I saw all these kids, like in their you know,
their green Dom, Green Saint Patti's Day stuff, and they're
bar crawling. I've never experienced a bar crawl because like,

(01:46):
I'm done at bar one.

Speaker 1 (01:50):
There's no reason to go anywhere else to go. I
was in the bar crawls either it was like, you
know what, let me go plant my ass on a
stool or stand there until I'm swaying drunk and ready
to put yes there's I don't want to go elsewhere.
I'm had to pay another cover charge and might have
to like, you know, get cut off by a bartender
and I'm not tipping.

Speaker 2 (02:09):
Well, you know, it was the cutest little thing watching
people be active and do bar crawls.

Speaker 1 (02:14):
So you're in recovery. Have a person's recovery.

Speaker 2 (02:17):
How many years I have eaten? I'll have nine years
in August.

Speaker 1 (02:20):
It's amazing, like eight and a half nine years is sick,
isn't it. It's almost like a lifetime the people that
were in active addiction. It's it's wild.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
It's wild to think that that I would ever be
sober because I never wanted to.

Speaker 1 (02:33):
I never wanted to. You know, what was your drug choice?

Speaker 3 (02:37):
Everything?

Speaker 1 (02:38):
I love it. I could picture that too.

Speaker 3 (02:40):
Everything except I'm not a psychedelic lover.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
Well, secondelics take a long time to like ingest and
go through and to get out of your system. You know,
I want somewhere like an immediate If I'm up the
next morning, I feel like crap, I'll get over in
a few hours. I don't want something that's gonna take
me three days.

Speaker 2 (02:57):
Yeah, And it's wild to think like I didn't like psychedelics,
you know, acid.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
I've never done shrooms.

Speaker 1 (03:03):
Oh I've done them, but I don't really.

Speaker 2 (03:04):
Enjoy them because I felt like I didn't have any
control of my high. So I would stick with you know,
your basics, run of the mill with dope, meth, coke, crack.
You know, I love a good cheap vodka, a hundred
proof Nickela Nikolai.

Speaker 1 (03:21):
It is the only vodka. That's what I started with
in college. Nicolay. It is like four dollars for a bottle,
cheapest can be. That's the well vodka. When I used
to bartend. Oh yeah, people like, what's your wile Nikolai.

Speaker 3 (03:34):
Yeah, it's a rough one.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
Like what's your top shelf like Tito's, you know.

Speaker 2 (03:38):
And I can still smell the nickelay behind my.

Speaker 1 (03:40):
Nose sometimes Nicola smells like like basically like like petroleum yep,
you know, like you could burn it and it'll just
puff explode.

Speaker 2 (03:48):
But it's wild because we don't. I never drank for
the taste. Like I was fifteen when I picked up
my first drink and it was wild turkey and I
drank the whole bottle at a party.

Speaker 1 (04:00):
So fifteen when you picked up your first drink, almost
nine years in recovery, so well, twenty years of your life.
Absolutely you spent an active addiction. Absolutely So at fifteen,
were you a wild child?

Speaker 3 (04:11):
Not really. I was looking to be you.

Speaker 1 (04:14):
Know, so you're looking to fit in or I was.

Speaker 3 (04:17):
Looking to fit in.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
I was always really lonely and felt homesick. Like that's
the best way I could put it like I was
constantly searching for like there was this hole inside of
me that felt like I was homesick. You know, I
had I had a mom and a dad. I was
the only child, and I was a really good athlete.
I was an amazing swimmer. But like you know, I
grew up in the eighties, and in the eighties, how

(04:40):
you looked was extremely important to some of those mothers.
And my mother came from the main line, and like,
I was a husky kid, you know, I had muscles,
really I was, I was, and I was not a
cute kid. So my mom constantly would have me on diets.
She would take me to wait watchers all the time.

(05:00):
So my love was based on how I looked at home,
and it was never good enough.

Speaker 1 (05:05):
So and at that age, what age did that begin?

Speaker 3 (05:07):
Probably five six, okay.

Speaker 1 (05:09):
So really from from your childhood, yes, and then hitting
adolescents and puberty just was terrible. It was awful.

Speaker 2 (05:16):
And I didn't have many friends. The little girls didn't
want to hang out with me because I wasn't a
little cute and pretty and I was a swimmer, and
my dad paid attention to me when I would win.
So my love was conditional. My first experience with love
was conditional.

Speaker 1 (05:30):
Based upon the fact that you won. Yes, but you
were a swimmer. I was a swimmer and you were
a little larger, but a swimmer. Yeah, what did you swim?
Butterfly get out of here. Yes, I was there, your jack.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
I was like looking back now and how our culture
is right now. I was completely healthy looking. There wasn't
any fat on me, you know.

Speaker 1 (05:51):
So was this then, like you know, in all on
this's head. Was this like a Dysmorpheus sort of thing,
or was this because of your mother and her?

Speaker 2 (05:59):
This was my mom, you know, like putting it in
me that I had to look a certain way.

Speaker 1 (06:04):
So so when we're sitting there in groups and stuff
like that and you want to blame your mom, you
really can. I can to an extent. I can't.

Speaker 2 (06:12):
I will die on that hilltop right right on, right
now where we're at. And like, you know, having the
experience of getting sober and maintaining that sobriety, she did
the best she knew how to do. You know, I
would lie and say that if there's still resentment, there
are hundred percent, one hundred percent.

Speaker 1 (06:28):
Do you have a close relationship with her?

Speaker 2 (06:29):
Now she lives with me.

Speaker 1 (06:31):
She does, she does live with me, So there's resentment.
There's always going to be resentment with I think with
a parent regardless. Yes, but you've learned that through sobriety.
Was it through sobriety before?

Speaker 3 (06:43):
No?

Speaker 2 (06:43):
No, I didn't learn anything until I entered sobriety.

Speaker 1 (06:47):
I was.

Speaker 2 (06:48):
I entered sobriety at thirty six, and I entered it
at a fifteen year old child. And that's mentally.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
I'm so glad you said that, because I was on
a panel back in January and I was talking to
the audience and I was explaining to them that when
you go into recovery and you start your recovery journey,
you aren't just becoming the person you used to be.
You're relearning how to do things, or you're learning things
for the first time. You're becoming somebody you never knew existed.

(07:17):
And for people to not understand that, but to hear
you say, it's refreshing because we are we don't know
how we are, like, we're so messed up because we
never had a chance to do that. So at thirty six,
you're finally figuring out who Liz is going to be.

Speaker 2 (07:33):
Right and then being comfortable with that, and there's still
a level of uncomfortability that I have.

Speaker 3 (07:39):
I think the work that I've done on myself in
the last.

Speaker 2 (07:41):
Two years has been the most meaningful to where I
can say like, I like myself and I know who
I am and I know what I.

Speaker 1 (07:48):
Like to do.

Speaker 2 (07:50):
But that's like an ebb and a flow, you know.
At fifteen years old, I just wanted to belong. I
wanted boys to think I was pretty. I wanted to
be the life of the party. So when the championship
basketball player hands me a bottle of wild turkey, I'm
not not going to drink the whole thing.

Speaker 1 (08:05):
So they had you a bottle of wild turkey, and
you're in you feel like you're accepted.

Speaker 2 (08:11):
No, not at that time, Okay, not at all, but
I'm gonna drink it. And it was I remember this
day like it was yesterday. It was nineteen ninety five,
nineteen ninety four, Reading High School won a championship basketball game.
I'm on I'm in a row home in the city
and it's the second floor. It was a red light.
The whole team was there and Biggie Small's was playing,

(08:34):
and I had a purple Beeper for what reason, I
don't know.

Speaker 3 (08:38):
No one was beep in May.

Speaker 2 (08:39):
But they gave me the wild Turkey and I drank
the whole thing and I was fun. The effect was immediate,
and I felt a part of like I was not.
It felt like when I go back to saying like
I felt homesick. As soon as I put that drink
in me, that homesick feeling was gone. And I never
from that moment wanted to live without that feeling inside
of me.

Speaker 1 (09:00):
It was gone.

Speaker 2 (09:01):
I didn't have that hole anymore. I didn't feel insecure,
I didn't feel fat, I didn't feel less than. The
boys paid attention to May, and that's all I wanted
was somebody to pay attention to May.

Speaker 1 (09:09):
You wanted to be long, You wanted a place to
be a part of it. I wanted to be loved.

Speaker 2 (09:13):
I desperately wanted to be loved and what that looked like,
you know, But I didn't have any examples of what
love looked like.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
Isn't it weird? Though? Like you knew that though then
you knew at that age what you were sort of
void you were filling, yes, and what you were looking
to do to fill that void and so cognitively you
knew it, but I don't. But we don't really know
as we cognitively go into something the outcome of the
effect that's going to have once we start, once we
pick up.

Speaker 3 (09:40):
Because it's fun, Yeah, it's fun.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
And I thought that all the time too. I was like,
what's wrong with those people sitting in meetings? They could
in a handle just having fun. Until I realized that's
a problem.

Speaker 2 (09:51):
Why didn't think I was an alcoholic? Even when I
entered you know, recovery, I still didn't think I was
an Oh.

Speaker 1 (09:56):
You were one of those. I am one of those.

Speaker 2 (09:58):
It's not acceptable to do heroin and meth, you know,
ever just hanging out, but it's acceptable to drink. I
had no idea I drank differently than other people.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
None, neither did I have. I said, my problem. I
never had a problem with my drinking. Everybody else had
a problem with it. I never had a problem with it,
and I thought it was okay. But then when I
started doing you know, the crack and the heroin, and
I don't want to be around people. Are you kidding?
What was the last thing I wanted to do? And
everybody said, when did you stop drinking, I said, when
I started doing heroin heavily because I didn't want to drink,

(10:31):
there was not there was no reason for it, you know.
So that's when it weird, how you go from that
one extreme to the other in substance use.

Speaker 3 (10:41):
It was and my extremes went, it went wild.

Speaker 2 (10:44):
It went from drinking forties and smoking weed to smoke
and crack by like sixteen, and it was, you know,
I was introduced to, you know, the first boy that
ever paid attention to me. He was like, let's smoke
a wool and I was like, okay, because I wanted
to be cool. And there was cracking it and you
could hear the little pop. My lips got numb. And

(11:05):
then I'm like, let's take that weed out of there.

Speaker 1 (11:08):
And then I want a fru banger. I just went
the banger, Yeah, just give me that.

Speaker 2 (11:13):
Let's just take the weed out that's getting in my way,
and that there I am in a row home when
I should be in school, in like a king sized
bed with like random strangers, like passing a pipe around
and stealing from my mom. And my substance only changed
when I met another guy.

Speaker 1 (11:30):
And so that was based upon the people in your
life coming in. Yes, the quote unquote love you had
at that time.

Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yes, oh yeah, because it only went from we went
from crack to cocaine because there was a new guy.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
Did you base a lot of your usage on the
relationships you had? No, No, you know what I mean
by that. So example, for example, did you use to
be with that person as that comfort for it zone?

Speaker 2 (12:02):
Maybe initially, but once I had that first experience, like
with my first boyfriend, where it did go to a
harder you know, a harder drug. I wanted him to
like me, you know, and that was an extremely abusive relationship.
That was my first you know, experience with a guy
in that in that like intimacy, and it was really horrible,

(12:22):
and I used crack because I want him to like
me more, you know. And then by the time it
shifted to a new guy, it's like, what do you
have for me? Because I've never had experience, nor have
I ever loved somebody without a transaction, So it's like,
what do you have for me?

Speaker 1 (12:41):
Right?

Speaker 2 (12:42):
And I wanted to, like, I.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
Think that's a lot of people in active addiction and
that you know, abuse substances that even for myself, you know,
I based the people I was hanging around with or
the drugs I was using on the people I was
hanging around with, on how I wanted it fit in
or what level of relationship I wanted to have with
that person. Yeah, and it's pretty sick because calculating is

(13:09):
what I was in doing that. But I couldn't control
the consumption or usage.

Speaker 3 (13:15):
No, and I always wanted to.

Speaker 2 (13:18):
You know, I always stole, Like I think even before
I picked up, when I was a kid, Like I
always stole from my mom. I wouldn't go to school
and I lied. I wasn't a fun kid to be around.
I guess really wanted attention, but like I accepted bad
attention because I think I was always too lazy to
you know, put myself do more for any kind of

(13:40):
positive attention.

Speaker 1 (13:41):
Were you a mouthee kid? Bad mouth? I was a
tough kid. Tough and was that because of maybe the
way you felt about yourself?

Speaker 2 (13:51):
I was insecure. Like, what you're going to do is
fear me, because I know you're not going to like me,
you know, And.

Speaker 1 (13:57):
So I'm going to give you a reason to not
like me up front, right away, right away, And we're
just gonna get it out of the way, so that
way I don't have to worry about go through this
game like, oh well, I thought you we were cool
at first and now we're not. So f you right
up front and let's go for it. I could picture
that you're a badass list you really are.

Speaker 2 (14:15):
You know, there's I I'm so soft today. It's like
I'm in my my soft girl era.

Speaker 1 (14:22):
So as you switch gears. As we talked about when
you got to that point, people talk about what was
your bottom? And it's so hard to say because there's
so many bottoms, you know, And and when I say
that for myself, it means like, there's so many moments
in my life that led me to that point where
I was like enough's enough. It wasn't like one aha moment,
but you know it got me there. How was that

(14:43):
road for you? Did you see a lot of treatment
in and out? Was it just like a once and done?
Was it like? What was it was an abusive thing? What?
What was that final pivotal moment where you're like enough,
fuck enough?

Speaker 2 (14:56):
So my rock bottom came in sobriety. It never came
when I was getting high and drinking. Ever, I'm okay
going in and out of treatment. I'm okay getting locked up.
I'm okay when CYS took my children. I'm okay. When
I'm kicked out of every place that I've ever lived
in and I'm homeless on the street, sleeping on a floor,

(15:17):
I'm okay. In psychiatric facilities, I'm ok there. I am
okay exchanging anything for what I need in that moment,
I'm okay there. And what happened was is that I
ended up in Bucks County because I was on the
run from reading.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
And one of the worst ones well Bucks were reading.

Speaker 3 (15:38):
My mom.

Speaker 2 (15:39):
She didn't talk to me for a while and I
called her, like, you know, She's like, if you come home,
like I'm turning you in on your warrants. So I
hid in Love It Town. I got a little recovery
house and I went to hide and Love It Town.
And I had no bra I had no shoelaces, I
had no winter coat.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
I had absolutely nothing.

Speaker 2 (15:57):
So I get there and I'm going to house of
women and they tell me I have to join a
fellowship to get off this blackout. Well, I have to
get off blackout because I have to find a guy
to buy me things I have no cigarettes. I have
no red bull, I have no bras. I don't have
any skills. But the skill I do have is the
ability to manipulate men to buy things for me so

(16:18):
that I need. So I went, you know, I went
to a fellowship meeting. I'm like, that's not for me.
Guys weren't attractive enough. So then I had ended up
in another fellowship, more so down in Northeast AI, and
I'm like.

Speaker 1 (16:32):
This is where we're staying.

Speaker 2 (16:33):
The guys were good looking and I was happy there,
you know. So I just took up space for a while,
for about a year in the fellowship, doing absolutely no
work on myself whatsoever. I had a little job waitress
saying and it was I had great hair extensions. I
had a tan I had, I said. I got sober

(16:53):
at thirty six. I probably had two boyfriends who were
like twenty four, you know, but they had cars, so
that worked.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
So through that, through all this usage, did you lose weight?

Speaker 2 (17:01):
I assume, Oh, it fluctuated all the time, up and down.

Speaker 1 (17:04):
Huh the time. Weird, isn't it. How when you're doing
the Heroin Sheic diet that sometimes you should be you're
heavier than you were when you were doing you know,
drinking all.

Speaker 2 (17:13):
Throwing benzos and alcohol, then you a.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
Bloat, yeah exactly, because the benzos for you to sleep
at night, and the alcohol just so you can have
an extra thing going on. Buzz all right. So you
did have that weight, but that didn't matter. You were
sort of just working. You so you were you were
a worker. Huh.

Speaker 2 (17:29):
You work things that sorry, I do, I can, I
can't I survive. I wouldn't say I work, I survive,
survive by any means necessary.

Speaker 3 (17:39):
You know, And.

Speaker 2 (17:41):
It's an exhausting way to live. And it's just life
right when you're out there just doing it. You don't
think about it. That's just what it is, like the
constant need to keep doing it, to keep going, to
keep going.

Speaker 1 (17:52):
I think we worked harder to keep ourselves in that
condition than we did getting high. Mh you know what
I mean by that. Yeah, Like the majority of the
work that we did was you know, not getting high.
It was everything else that went into it. And that
sort of is like what the focus was for me.

(18:13):
A lot of times that thrilled to the kill, and
you know, I think that all came along with the
nuance of like you know. I like to live on
the edge.

Speaker 2 (18:22):
I like a little dangerous writing. Yeah, it is exciting.
I don't want responsibility. You know. I had two children.

Speaker 1 (18:30):
And say, that's so funny. I was gonna say, wait,
how many kids you have?

Speaker 2 (18:32):
I have too?

Speaker 1 (18:33):
And one of them just had a birthday?

Speaker 2 (18:35):
One of them, she did, she just turned fourteen.

Speaker 1 (18:37):
Is that the oldest? She's the youngest youngest? How is
your oldest? Nineteen nineteen nineteen? Both girls?

Speaker 2 (18:43):
No, I have my son Ben nineteen. Then Chloe's my
fourteen year old.

Speaker 1 (18:47):
And how's your relationship with your daughter?

Speaker 3 (18:50):
It's good, It's very good.

Speaker 2 (18:52):
I'm standoffish, like this is an area of my life
that I'm always completely honest about when it comes to
being a mom and a woman in recovery. Is that
I'm not that close to her, and it's a work
in progress. Like my son, who's nineteen, he's He's the
love of my life. He is the best thing on

(19:13):
the face of the earth. He could burn down an
entire city and Ben Ben did nothing, He did nothing wrong.
I love him more than anything in this world. And
when I had him, I wanted to be sober, so bad,
so bad. He was the most beautiful little boy ever had,
and I think I lasted two weeks before I picked
up again. And then I resented that you were supposed

(19:37):
to make me better and he didn't. So then I
find another guy, and I used my son as a weapon,
like poor me. I'm a single mom. I don't know
who this. You know, this little boy's dad is take
care of me. So I get my daughter's father, who's
not one of us. I don't date people like may
in active addiction and alcoholism because we have bad credit.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
You know.

Speaker 2 (20:01):
We typically don't have cars or homes or food.

Speaker 1 (20:03):
You know, so we're going to blame each other for
missing drugs and stuff like that. Fights. It's gonna be
knocked down, dragouts because of it. I get it, right,
I get it.

Speaker 2 (20:12):
My daughter's father was such a nice man. He had
no idea like the tornado that just hit him. So
I figured, like, let's have another baby. I got to
keep him because he's gonna make me sober. So there
wasn't a stop button on that. When I was pregnant
with my son, I could clean up. You know, I
would do a wine cooler. Nobody does wine coolers on

(20:33):
a weekend, but I would live for that weekend so
I can put something in me that changed, you know
how I felt. But when I got pregnant with my daughter,
there was no stopping what I was doing. And that's
when people started noticing that I have a huge problem,
making me go to detoc. So this time fourteen years ago,
my daughter was in the NIKU because she had just
been born. She was born addicted. She had a lot

(20:54):
of fluid in her lungs and they put on her
little battery pack and I just never had a connection
with her.

Speaker 1 (21:00):
It wasn't an immediate connection.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
And when my kids were taken from me, her father
took her and my mom took my son, and they
weren't very proactive in helping me build that relationship back again.
Even when I entered recovery, that has taken a minute.
So now it has gotten a lot better.

Speaker 4 (21:20):
But like I don't know her, that relationship isn't there yet.
But it's like it's hopeful, right, both of you are hopeful. Yeah,
she's working towards it.

Speaker 2 (21:29):
She's super excited that I'm her mom, right, Like she
thinks I'm cool. My son doesn't think I'm cool at all.

Speaker 1 (21:36):
I like to disagree. There but she does.

Speaker 2 (21:40):
And sometimes I feel guilty because like I don't love
her at this moment, like she loves me, and I
feel like a bad mom or a bad woman because
like it's a forced reaction to do that, it's not natural, right,
But a little bit is coming more. I enjoy her around.
So that's just something that I'm processing and working through.

Speaker 1 (22:03):
So you're switching gears. I am switching gears, and that's
not a bad thing there. That's good.

Speaker 2 (22:07):
And what they both have is unconditional love. That has
been important to me because I experienced the opposite.

Speaker 1 (22:14):
Does she know how you feel? Yes?

Speaker 2 (22:17):
No, not in that instance about her, you know, and
I said, she'll send me reels and tiktoks and stuff
about how much she loves her mom, that I'm her
best friend. I was like, I don't deserve this, and
she goes, you're my mom and like you're the strongest
person that I know, and I'm like, we'll get there.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
So do you think that you have this disconnected relationship
with your daughter because of that unhealthy relationship you had
with women or females growing up or most of your life.

Speaker 3 (22:47):
I think so.

Speaker 2 (22:48):
I think it's difficult for me to show up as
a mom because my example was not the greatest.

Speaker 1 (22:55):
So do you think it's more you than her? Absolutely,
it's really not her but she. Do you think that
she was a boy, it would be different. No. No,
it's the fact that where you were in life. So
that's still like a traumatic sort of thing in your
brain that back there. It is.

Speaker 2 (23:12):
There wasn't any bonding that happened, you know, she being
pregnant with her, I didn't have a stop button. That
did not stop me from getting high.

Speaker 1 (23:21):
But in most of your life you had more of
a connection with dudes. Correct.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Yeah, I had no idea how to function with women.
Wentsover because I can't get over on women. They have
absolutely nothing I need, so the transaction because.

Speaker 4 (23:33):
They know it wasn't happening. Yeah, we know, women know
you're all. It's a little cult.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
And it was that person when I entered recovery. Like
I don't get along with women, which is a huge
red flag, but like I came in here at fifteen
emotionally and mentally and spiritually, I was fifteen. I grew
up and like I couldn't survive without women. I choose
women every day, and like men are great, but I

(24:01):
can't believe it. I can't believe it's taken me this
long because it just wasn't my time to embrace who
I truly am on the inside. I believe I was
always this person. It's just so blocked.

Speaker 1 (24:12):
I think you're right, we are the person that we
are now. It's just we didn't have that opportunity. We
skipped from fifteen to thirty five forty five, you know
what I mean, Like we skipped all those years. We
didn't have that opportunity to grow mentally, and you know,
because we were sort of just off in our own
little worlds. And so now you have healthy relationships with women,

(24:32):
I do, you know, best relationships you have? And you
have healthy relationship with men too, I do with a man,
you are in a committed relationship. Correct, I'm in a
committed relationship. And how long has that been?

Speaker 3 (24:45):
Almost a year?

Speaker 2 (24:46):
Now?

Speaker 1 (24:47):
Is that good for you? It's a year like a
long period of time.

Speaker 2 (24:52):
This is the first time that I've ever loved another man.
Where this year just flew like laugh, I laugh, it's
been I say, it's been a really hard two years.
And I'm working on myself. Like I got married really
early in sobriety, like when you had asked, like what
your rock bottom was? My rock bottom was having all
these things on the outside and money in my pocket

(25:14):
for the very first time, thinking I'm sober for twelve months.
Just as long as I've been sober in my entire
life out in the free world, I could get it in,
you know, little increments. But I wanted to blow my
brains out.

Speaker 1 (25:28):
You aren't happy.

Speaker 2 (25:29):
I wanted to die and I had no idea what
was wrong with me? None, but you know, taking up
space and a meeting and stuff, going to look at guys.
There was little seeds planeted in something that I needed something,
And that's when I hit my rock bottom and I
reached out, like I'm desperate.

Speaker 1 (25:47):
I'll do anything, so.

Speaker 2 (25:49):
I have, you know, an experience, and I get really
involved and I start learning things because if I don't
know something, I don't like it. So if you tell me,
here's a book, here's these steps, here's this, here's that,
Like I don't know understand, so like I'm good, it's dumb,
So I've it wasn't something I wanted to do because
I didn't know it. I was scared of it, and
I can't be scared because then I'm mean because I

(26:10):
don't want you to know that I'm scared and vulnerable
and weak.

Speaker 1 (26:12):
Now you're defenseless or you have you have vulnerability.

Speaker 2 (26:16):
I have vulnerability and forbid And I had no idea
at the time. My vulnerability is my strength. I just
think that I am weak. But at that point I
didn't care. I went a whole year without picking up
anything like there's something to this, there's something to this.
So I did and I started working you know the program,
and I met a guy where I thought that I

(26:37):
was healthy enough to do that, and he opened a
car door for me, which was really exciting for me
because I've never experienced.

Speaker 1 (26:44):
It from the outside off from the inside. I get
in exactly right, exactly and I'm not I mean, I'm
being facetious and joke, but I'm not like that's a
huge difference.

Speaker 2 (26:53):
He got out and he opened a car door. He
didn't pull up to me on this you know, the
corner and let me in. I wasn't interested in him
at all in that way, and like, to be quite honest,
like I was hungry and I didn't get to go
out to a restaurant in a really long time.

Speaker 3 (27:06):
So when he asked me to dinner, I'm.

Speaker 1 (27:08):
Like, okay, where'd you go?

Speaker 2 (27:09):
Carlucci's in Newtown? Oh yeah, yeah, mid at best.

Speaker 1 (27:16):
But the conversation was good.

Speaker 3 (27:17):
I don't even remember. I don't, I don't remember.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
It was good enough that you're still around.

Speaker 2 (27:26):
The next he just kept showing up, and this is
you know, this is he is persistent. This was the
man that I married. This isn't who I'm with now. Oh, okay,
I married somebody in early sobriety.

Speaker 1 (27:39):
This is the guy that Carluccis were talking about. Yes, oh,
I thought you were talking about now, I'm sorry, I guess.

Speaker 2 (27:44):
Oh oh, and I opened my own car door because
that's like a big thing for me now, like don't
don't I oh?

Speaker 1 (27:50):
So that now is a stigma towards you for like
I'm so, and he's probably like cool, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (27:58):
Probably, So I married this guy, and I had no idea.
I just figured, like that feeling of mad love that
you have, like that chaotic love, I guess like that'll grow, you.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
Know, because somebody was showing you love. They were showing
you actual yes love.

Speaker 2 (28:15):
And the bare minimum, like I'm a woman coming into
recovery having this whole traumatic you know, sexual abuse, physical abuse,
verbal abuse, you know, transactional sex sex to get out
of situations you know where it wasn't forced, but there
was no other way to get around doing it. So
I had no concept of what that looked like. So
if you open my car door, you buy me dinner,

(28:37):
that must be love. I just don't know what that
feels like because I've never been loved. And sometimes men
like that can see that in a woman. Yes, so
he couldn't stay sober. I did, and I held on
and I worked a program harder and talk about switching gears.

(28:58):
I was waitressing and I started working in a treatment
facility overnight. No idea why, but I did. I started
at Living Gren.

Speaker 1 (29:07):
Wow, I did.

Speaker 3 (29:09):
And I was doing a tech overnight.

Speaker 1 (29:11):
And then I went over through health tech.

Speaker 3 (29:13):
Huh, behavior health.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
Those overnight shifts, and let's talk about it like you
didn't do it because he was like, I'm going to
make the big bucks. You did it because I'm gonna
make some bucks. Because that's not great paying job. It
is not great paying, not great pain, especially overnight. You
might get like a dollar shift differential. It was.

Speaker 2 (29:28):
It was not great at all.

Speaker 1 (29:32):
I did.

Speaker 2 (29:32):
I enjoyed it though, Like I did, I did really
enjoy it, and I like talking to the women there.
So then I kind of thought that it would be
a good idea to like.

Speaker 1 (29:42):
Start doing this.

Speaker 2 (29:42):
And I worked at guardenzi in Lower Bucks Hospital and
I was a clinical assessor and I loved that.

Speaker 3 (29:50):
I loved it.

Speaker 2 (29:50):
I would hide there because I was not happy at home.
I had a man that I just married that can't
stay sober. He was, you know, verbally abusive and pawning
everything and not paying rent. And I would work fourteen
hour days, seven days a week at Guardenzia just so
I can afford things for my home, you know. And

(30:13):
I hid there and I built an amazing career hiding
because I was married for about four years until until
I had to I had to get away because it
got it got abusive and controlling. And that was two
years ago, and I made that move. But I was
embarrassed a lot of the times to share with the

(30:35):
rooms that I was really unhappy with my marriage and
I didn't like, you know, my husband, and I didn't
love him, and I don't know what to do. And
I stayed because I couldn't afford a place by myself.
So there I am again using myself and lying I
love you, I'm so happy, you know, lying just to

(30:55):
keep a roof over my head and planning how I'm
going to get out of this.

Speaker 1 (31:00):
Isn't it interesting that you didn't feel comfortable enough sharing
in the rooms when that's supposed to be the safe
space to share. It's supposed to be a place where
you're able to do that. But also there what you
were going to share was going to be a stigma
that still surrounds you know.

Speaker 2 (31:15):
Because and I think another thing is because you know
you have And I'll just speak for myself, like I
definitely went through a phase in my program where this
was the word. This is what it is. These are
the twelve steps. There's no deviating from that. If there's
something wrong with somebody else, it is me, you know.
That's what I was taught. And I had this presence

(31:39):
and this image of being a woman who was married
that works this program, that sponsors other women, that's in service.
I can't possibly be allowing myself to be controlled and
abused in a totally different way than I've ever experienced, right,
That was no I can't possibly do that, And what
if it is me? I've been told by you know,

(32:00):
this fellowship that it's always me to blame is the
person that may And I wasn't strong enough for confidence
to challenge that.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
I look back, and I do.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
I would challenge it today, and I'm grateful for that
experience because who I am today, I would absolutely I
will challenge that every chance I get.

Speaker 1 (32:20):
When somebody says that it's you, do you still go
to the rooms? Absolutely? So that fellowship still means something to.

Speaker 3 (32:25):
You very much.

Speaker 1 (32:26):
That but you've learned that you have the ability to
have free will.

Speaker 2 (32:32):
That And I'm a woman first, I'm a human woman first,
you know. And I took every suggestion. I've been through
the steps multiple times with few different sponsors. I have
done multiple invents painful. I've done multiple inventories to fix
you know me for this situation that I was going
on with at home. I had a whole affair with

(32:53):
some guy I worked with, and it was an emotional
affair while I was still married. Like, and I'm sober
and I do work, and I'm you know, and this
is who These are my mistakes that I make sober.

Speaker 1 (33:06):
And I think that's important. I thank you for sharing
that because it's so important for people to hear and
know that just because you're sober and you're in recovery,
you're still human. Yes, you still make mistakes. We still
have voids we need to fill, you know. For me,
you know, when I first went into it, it was like,
oh shit, you know, I need to have you know,

(33:28):
that sexual connection consistently, so you know, you replace that,
you know, or then you replace it with gambling, or
you replace it with you know, shopping or something like that.
You're filling a void. And I think people don't really
see that that, like there is such imperfection in recovery
and that we are working on ourselves. We're working in
progress all the time.

Speaker 3 (33:48):
And I think that's the most beautiful part of recovery.

Speaker 1 (33:51):
Love it, you know.

Speaker 2 (33:52):
I definitely have gotten to the point where I just
want to be a part of a fellowship.

Speaker 1 (33:57):
I'm not the fellowship.

Speaker 2 (33:59):
I just want to be a part of my little,
you know, network of women.

Speaker 1 (34:03):
And now you have that.

Speaker 2 (34:04):
I do.

Speaker 1 (34:04):
Do you go to all women meetings? Do they have them?

Speaker 3 (34:08):
They do? They do have them.

Speaker 1 (34:09):
I do.

Speaker 2 (34:10):
Monday nights, I usually go to my women's meeting and
it's the most safest, most comfortable place ever. And I've
learned what to share and not everyone deserves access to you.

Speaker 1 (34:21):
You know, you control that.

Speaker 3 (34:23):
We have different versions of ourselfs depending on who we
are around.

Speaker 1 (34:26):
You know.

Speaker 2 (34:27):
Not everyone knew, you know, two years ago that I
was trying to leave my abuse of marriage and how
I'm planning how I was going to do this.

Speaker 3 (34:38):
Not everyone knew.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
Like my son was shot in the knee and.

Speaker 1 (34:43):
That was recent, that was two years ago. Okay, I
remember this. That's when I first, you know, we first
encountered each other.

Speaker 2 (34:49):
He was he got shot in a knee, and you
know that's craziness. First of all, it was not he
lost his whole meet and there's a little there's a
little star in there that holds it together.

Speaker 1 (35:02):
Does he walk? Okay?

Speaker 3 (35:03):
Now he does?

Speaker 2 (35:03):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (35:04):
It took him about a year, nineteen years of age.
He was shot at seventeen seventeen. Was he just at
one of the wrong place, wrong time or yeah he was.

Speaker 2 (35:13):
It was right outside my house. There was there was
a block party. Some guy hit a girl. My son
went over to hit the guy, and the guy pulled
out a gun and shot my son in the knee
and then sweep away. He was taken to the hospital
as a trauma and when I got there, he's like, mom,
they gave me fetty. I'm like, that's not what it

(35:34):
is here on You're okay, sorry, they gave me fatty.
And then the nurse came in when I was sitting there,
She's like, okay, you know you can have tile on
all your pay medicine.

Speaker 3 (35:44):
What do you want to do.

Speaker 2 (35:45):
He's like tile and all and I sidhe eyed him,
and they're like, what's your level of pain? He's like three.
I'm like, you were shot in the knee. Line up
all the fetanl and dialog that you have for me,
Give me the pump go.

Speaker 1 (35:57):
You know.

Speaker 2 (35:57):
I think he still has pergocets, so he was discharged with.

Speaker 1 (36:00):
So he didn't get that active gene. He did not
He did not good good and that's a plus.

Speaker 3 (36:07):
But this is what I was experiencing.

Speaker 2 (36:09):
And I'm there trying to plan my escape because my
husband was getting extremely more abusive and yelling at my son,
who was just shot. He couldn't move, you know, and
my son's like, if you don't get rid of him,
I'm running away. And I just said, do what you
gotta do. I just wanted to protect him and get

(36:30):
him out of that home because I was working on
getting him out and my son ran away and he
was gone from my home for a month, no phone.

Speaker 3 (36:39):
Calls, I had no idea where he was.

Speaker 1 (36:40):
He was just shot. And wow, what a traumatic experience.

Speaker 2 (36:44):
At that point, I cried every night on my sofa,
on my sofa.

Speaker 1 (36:48):
And then are you living together now? Oh my god?

Speaker 2 (36:52):
Yeah, Oh my god, Yeah, your best friends, he's yeah.

Speaker 1 (36:56):
Is he protective of mom? Yes, because he to know
where you're at, what's're going on, what's happening.

Speaker 3 (37:02):
Sometimes we've worked on that.

Speaker 2 (37:04):
Okay, we have worked on that, and that was subconsciously
worked on. It was just me just showing up all
the time. I'll be there, I'll be there.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
So you were cognitive of what his needs were, Yes,
which is such a great thing because as somebody in
active addiction and even in earlier recovery, we're so damned selfish. Yeah,
and we don't care if we can tell somebody else.
So you started to recognize that, which is great and
very cool.

Speaker 2 (37:27):
He just he's my biggest fan. I don't even think
like he would admit to that because he's cool, you know.
But I remember when I finally got my ex husband
out of my house and I had to show up
to do all the pfas and you know, file reports
and everything else like that, my son came home and
took my mom in, my seventy seven year old mom,

(37:47):
who was my first bully, you know, I took her
and then I have, you know, my son there, and
I started doing and I got to say this, there's
an organization in Philadelphia called Women in Transition for batter
than Abuse Women. They're the best organization that I have
ever been a part of and that they saved me
at a time like when I needed that, So you.

Speaker 1 (38:07):
Turned to them, Yeah, battered and abused women. And it's
here in Philadelphia. It is here in phild Local Grassroots
one for Philly, Yes, and they help domestic violence and
they do and they.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
Have ongoing psychotherapy too, amazing. So I have been doing
that consistently weekly for the last two years of my life.
And you know, I remember when it was two years
ago and they asked me, like, what do you like
to do? And I just bawled my eyes out because
I don't know. I don't know myself apart from working.
I don't know myself apart from AA.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
And that was a problem. I have an identity.

Speaker 3 (38:42):
I had no identity.

Speaker 1 (38:43):
Because you did what most people do when they enter
their recovery or they leave their active addiction, they replace
it with something else, and they still don't have that identity.
It's very difficult for us to work on ourselves and
admit this is who we are. You spend most of
your life looking in the mirror and hating what you saw, yes,
and being all unhappy that you allowed yourself And I
hate to use those words, and sometimes maybe that's the

(39:05):
wrong choice of words, but it was difficult for you
to leave even an abusive relationship because there was a relationship.
It was somebody paying attention to you. Whether it was
negative or positive at the time, it was still attention
and there was something and you had that. When you
look in the mirror, Now, what do you see? I see?

Speaker 2 (39:26):
I see a beautiful, put together a woman that has
a really, really kind heart, and I am I know
I'm a good partner. That missing peace and not knowing
what love looked like from another man like to experience
that is amazing to have somebody there listen to me

(39:47):
and colme my mind, like that's not really happening because
my mind starts making up stories that aren't true.

Speaker 1 (39:53):
Oh we can have we can make a narrative like
you wouldn't believe it.

Speaker 3 (39:55):
It's so good and it's exciting.

Speaker 2 (39:58):
But I can show up as as me and I
like me, Like I can finally say like, I like
me and I'm happy with who I am, and I
never thought that I would get here. And I like
what you said about not knowing who we are and people.
I hid in the rooms. I didn't work on myself,
and I covered I masked it with knowing that literature.

(40:20):
I masked it with sponsoring other women. I masked it
with anything I could do to get out of myself.

Speaker 1 (40:25):
Because you're good at manipulating, just.

Speaker 2 (40:26):
Like I did with drugs and alcohol. That's what I
used to get out of myself.

Speaker 3 (40:29):
I built this career.

Speaker 2 (40:31):
It is an amazing career where I came from, but
I hid it with those jobs because I didn't want
to go home. I hit an AA because I didn't
want to go home. So as a fanatic, I fanatically use,
I fanatically drink. That is something that I have inside
of me is like this fanaticness that I that I
don't know that I'm doing. I did both of those

(40:52):
healthy coping skills to recovery and building a career fanatically.
So when those get pulled away from from me and
I'm stuck there, I don't know who I am. I
don't know what I like. I don't know what my
hobbies are. I like, but I don't know what kind
of music I like. I don't know what to do
with myself. So I had to get to know me,
and I took about a whole year, and I hated men,

(41:14):
and I stuck with I'm very gifted to have my
best friend in my life because she was experiencing the
same thing that I was just a month before May,
having to go, you know, get help from an abusive relationship,
having to go to pfas. So she walked me through
everything like she is my person.

Speaker 1 (41:36):
The two of you are very strong women, very strong people.
I'm gonna take that out. You're very strong people, the
two of you, very determined. I love the fact that
you're also very successful. You're building lives that you probably
you've never realized you could build on your own and
it's something that I see. So this last year, you

(41:56):
have had a relationship that is so different than any
other one you've ever experienced, and it's one that you
embrace and you love, and you have a career now,
a career path that is different than opening that car
door or getting in a cart in the car. And
we joke and we laugh about it because we can,
because we know some people may be like, I can't

(42:16):
believe they laugh at but we have to laugh at ourselves.
Well that's wild.

Speaker 2 (42:19):
I don't have any guilt or shame.

Speaker 1 (42:20):
About Oh, it's who we are.

Speaker 3 (42:22):
I have ever.

Speaker 2 (42:22):
Done and I have you know, there are I shared
that I had an affair in sobriety. I have not
shown up for my kids in early sobriety because I
didn't want to. I am selfish, I am self seeking.

Speaker 1 (42:34):
Most of us are.

Speaker 3 (42:35):
I will buy things like things that I don't need.

Speaker 2 (42:38):
I hyper focus on my appearance because that's something that
is extremely important for me. But that's something that I
constantly need to work on, you know, like I'm I'm
a human first. I just so happen to be an
alcohol like in a drug addict that needs to participate
in a fellowship that I do love.

Speaker 1 (42:57):
That's part of who you are. It's not who you are, right,
don't see that. People don't realize that. People just look
at you like there's that drunk junkie again, and it's like,
what did you say? You know, that's not who I am,
maybe a part of or who I used to be.
But there's a lot more to me, so much, And
what are you doing now as a career?

Speaker 2 (43:16):
So I am a project manager at Pen Medicine.

Speaker 1 (43:20):
I know, at Penn Medicine Medicine. So you go from
that to hiding in the rooms to project manager of
Pen Medicine Medicine in what aspect?

Speaker 2 (43:30):
I am at the center of addiction medicine and policy.
And we have a Delaware County grant that's funded by
the Opioid Use Settlement money. So they brought me down
to Pen to manage and get into Delaware County and
start bringing our services to inpatient outpatient recovery houses and
making sure individuals don't have a barrier to access medication

(43:51):
and further treatment that they need. And that's a whole
gearshift plane building a to this moment, you know. But
like at thirty six, I had my last overdose on
the floor of a shelter because I was homeless and
I woke up with no bottom teeth at Broke Brooklyn
Psychiatric Facility. And I had no bra I had no shoelaces,

(44:16):
I had nothing.

Speaker 3 (44:17):
I had no kids.

Speaker 2 (44:18):
I had no idea when they got taken away from
May And like I had no problem with that, I
had no problem with having my last over I had
no idea it was going to be my last overdose.
I just wanted to hide from the cops from reading.
I had no idea that this is where it was
going to go.

Speaker 1 (44:33):
It's crazy, isn't it.

Speaker 2 (44:34):
And that's how I have had a spiritual experience and
how I believe in God because that's not me.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
That's not me.

Speaker 1 (44:45):
So you are a believer that God has brought you
to this path and that that that's your spiritual guidance.

Speaker 2 (44:52):
Absolutely absolutely, because I can't do it myself. I wanted
to stay sober all by myself. I I can't. And
that's just you know, that's how I that's just who
I am. And that hole that I say, like I
was homesick and lonely, like I have to fill that
with a connection to a higher power.

Speaker 1 (45:11):
You want that to belong.

Speaker 2 (45:12):
I did, but I'm okay now with me, so like
that whole ceases to exist anymore. And I got here
from going through all of that.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
You know, are you comfortable being alone? Yes? Now, yes, yeah,
you're all right with that.

Speaker 2 (45:30):
I am okay with that.

Speaker 1 (45:32):
You're okay with sitting in silence? Now.

Speaker 3 (45:34):
I mean I'm scrolling.

Speaker 1 (45:37):
I'm scrolling, but you're not swiping, So you're scrolling. That's no,
we're not. That's awesome. That's a good thing to hear.
You know.

Speaker 3 (45:42):
I'm scrolling and buying.

Speaker 2 (45:44):
You know.

Speaker 1 (45:45):
Are you an Amazon freak?

Speaker 2 (45:48):
Yeah? Yeah, if thought passes my mind, like I need that,
you know, but.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
Do you really need it? But you want to buy
five am?

Speaker 2 (45:56):
Yeah, get your fists because that fills my little need.

Speaker 1 (45:58):
That void.

Speaker 3 (46:00):
But that's not because.

Speaker 2 (46:01):
I'm a drug addict and alcoholic.

Speaker 3 (46:03):
It's I'm a human woman. I get.

Speaker 2 (46:08):
And I think that's the best thing that I've learned
through this whole experience of entering recovery and having this
journey because I've been that big book beater, I have
been that.

Speaker 3 (46:18):
I want to speak. I want to speak.

Speaker 2 (46:19):
Look at me, you know, the center of attention everyone
needs to agree with me. I've been that person and
it was just all I'm so happy just being me
and just doing your basic recovery that works for May
I do a meeting.

Speaker 1 (46:34):
I do.

Speaker 2 (46:34):
I stay connected to women in transition and do my
therapy once a week because I grow. So if I'm growing,
I'm going to need more of an outside support system
because I have a lot of shit that's happened to mending.

Speaker 1 (46:48):
A lot of baggage, aren't.

Speaker 2 (46:49):
We We are and I don't have to carry it alone.
That's the best thing that has happened in recovery, Like,
no matter what happens, somebody always knows what I'm thinking. Always.

Speaker 3 (46:59):
I think a lot of weird things.

Speaker 1 (47:02):
There's a lot of one uppers in recovery because of
the fact that that's what's happening. Hey, we understand and
we know what's going on, and we've been there and
it's not a bad one upper. It's one of those
thank you for understanding and not making me feel like
I'm a demon and not demonizing us. Right.

Speaker 2 (47:18):
People care way too much about what other human beings do.

Speaker 1 (47:23):
I don't care.

Speaker 3 (47:25):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
I think it is amazing if you are happy that
you are happy. Doesn't don't care what that looks like.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
I don't as long as you're not hurting somebody else,
that's it. People's are animals, don't hurt them.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
Double that goes without saying yeah, well for.

Speaker 1 (47:39):
Some common sense in so common sometimes I know, so
how many tats you have?

Speaker 3 (47:44):
Too many to count.

Speaker 2 (47:46):
We have my neck down to my sternum back and
covered my feet and it just goes down to the middle.

Speaker 1 (47:52):
Oh, just to the middle, so it goes right in
the middle, it is.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
And then I have my boyfriend's name tattooed on.

Speaker 1 (47:57):
My rib page, and what your boyfriend's name is?

Speaker 3 (47:58):
Sean? Sean Wait, fun fact.

Speaker 2 (48:01):
So when I had met him, he he was just
coming back from a relapse.

Speaker 1 (48:08):
So he's in recovery. He is in recovery, not a normy, not.

Speaker 3 (48:11):
A normy after being sober for quite some time.

Speaker 2 (48:16):
He was just coming back and he threw it all
out there like here, I am right with like seven
years sober, I have this career, and he's just like, listen,
he was like, I manage your recovery house. I don't
have a car right now. He's like, but I will
get I'm telling you I'll get everything back and then
I just like that. There was absolutely no bullshit with

(48:36):
him whatsoever.

Speaker 1 (48:37):
He's open, so open. Does he still manage a recovery house?

Speaker 3 (48:41):
No, we live together now.

Speaker 1 (48:43):
He lives with you. He has a child. He has two.

Speaker 2 (48:45):
Children, two children, what ages seven and three?

Speaker 1 (48:48):
Boy and girl? Girls and girl? Okay, and how is
that relationship for you? Great?

Speaker 2 (48:53):
I missed that with my kids those ages. So I
get to have that, you know, experience with his kids.
But the tattoo came. I said, you get a car,
I'll tattoo your name on me.

Speaker 1 (49:04):
He was like, done, done, here's the car.

Speaker 3 (49:06):
Here's the car.

Speaker 1 (49:06):
I'm like, okay, is it an s h or s
e s okay? So it was shorter than the sah
a w N all right, So but that doesn't matter
with you know so too many. So you got him,
you got them, you got him on your buttox, you
got them on the side, you got them on legs
or just all on the upper torso.

Speaker 2 (49:22):
Nope, I have my shins in my feet, there's nothing
on my thighs, nothing on my stomach, my butt, not
on my butt, not here everywhere else is love it?

Speaker 1 (49:32):
It's that I love the First of all, I love tats,
you know, and just there's something oddly sick about the
fact that I like the pain that I go through
when I get them. People, it's a kink, but it's weird.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
It's a king.

Speaker 1 (49:47):
I can fall asleep sometimes.

Speaker 2 (49:48):
I started to get in mind to cover up my
track marks.

Speaker 1 (49:51):
Oh yeah, well yeah, my pick marks.

Speaker 4 (49:55):
You know.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
And then I happen to think women who have tattoos
can be extreme beautiful. I think they can be an
art piece on them and used as an accessory, and
we can still get really good jobs being heavily tattooed too.

Speaker 1 (50:09):
That doesn't mean anything when it's twenty twenty five, it
does not. And you're also an advocate for, you know,
self improvement as far as you know, physical and mental
everything involved, right, absolutely so physically you know, self improvement.
You're about that. That's something that you're open, oh about, super.

Speaker 3 (50:25):
Open about that.

Speaker 4 (50:26):
You're open about a lot of women botox all that,
fill it.

Speaker 2 (50:31):
Fill it, freeze it, give me whatever new diets out there,
you know.

Speaker 1 (50:36):
But yeah, I didn't.

Speaker 2 (50:38):
Get sober to be married to a controlling man and
be abused. I didn't get sober to not take care
of myself. I didn't get sober to not have fun.

Speaker 1 (50:51):
If you had the opportunity to sit here and you're
talking to fifteen year old Liz, what would.

Speaker 3 (50:56):
You say to her, it's going to be a vile
ride up, it's gonna be a wild ride.

Speaker 1 (51:02):
Would you try to change the course of what she
went through? Why not?

Speaker 2 (51:08):
Because that that made me me, hmm, love that.

Speaker 1 (51:12):
I was hoping you're gonna say that answered. If not,
that's gonna be so disappointed.

Speaker 3 (51:15):
That may be me.

Speaker 2 (51:16):
Listen, you know there's people in recovery that I'll say, like,
I'm so grateful for them, so grateful for that.

Speaker 3 (51:21):
I'm not.

Speaker 2 (51:22):
There is abuse that I suffered recently in a marriage.
I'm not grateful for any of those experiences. But they
were experiences that I can share.

Speaker 1 (51:31):
With other women.

Speaker 2 (51:32):
They shaped you, They have shape may into a beautiful
human being that I really enjoy sitting with on my own.

Speaker 1 (51:38):
And it is an amazing that you can have those
connections with other women because of those experiences, because guess what,
you are not alone. Those women understand because they thought
they were alone, so they didn't have healthy relationships with
women as well. Right, The same with the same with
guys in addiction, there were not healthy relationships, and sometimes
it's still not healthy. There's still like a size battle,

(51:58):
you know, in recovery, but there are more healthy relationships
because you feel like you're not alone. We've all been there.
You know, you could you could share a little bit
and be like, oh wait, you okay?

Speaker 2 (52:09):
Cool?

Speaker 1 (52:09):
Really? You know that makes me feel a little bit
better about where I'm at.

Speaker 2 (52:13):
Sometimes it does, And I am one of the one
of the things I love about myself. That I love
about myself is that I am always transparent about who
I am. I will always be transparent. That I struggle
being a mom, I struggle with that connection with my daughter,
that I do have a favorite kid, That I am
extremely insecure, that I always think that I'm fat, that

(52:36):
as soon as my face.

Speaker 3 (52:37):
Moves, we're freezing it.

Speaker 2 (52:38):
You know that I do struggle with my appearance, and
I put a lot of weight on who I am
in my appearance, Like I make mistakes all the time.

Speaker 1 (52:48):
Do you still struggle when you look in the mirror
thinking you're heavy? Yes, even at this stage knowing that
you're not. Yes, But and you know subconsciously, I mean consciously,
you know, but subconsciously because that's what you work on.
That was my experience, you know, because you know I've
been open about my weight issues too, and you know
I've been open about you know, that body dysmorphia, and
that comes along with why the mental health, the addiction

(53:10):
and stuff you work on, and even as we get better,
it's very important for people to know just because we
got into recovery and we're recovering doesn't mean that we're fixed,
not at all.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
And my fixing needed to be outside of the rooms.
The rooms are based. There is a twelve step there
to take me through the twelve steps of I choose
to be an alcoholics anonymous, anything else, any trauma, any relationship, anybody, dysmorphia,
any post traumatic stress, any kind of medication for anything,
mental health, substance use that is an outside issue, that's

(53:44):
in our pre amble that treatment. I get outside and
that is the most beautiful experience that I've had outside
of having that a spiritual awakening that the twelve steps
have given because I grow as a human and I
need to treat. Originally, why I picked up, I picked
up because I didn't feel good about myself. And when
I put something in me that changed. That person under

(54:07):
fifteen needs to be you know, loved and let go,
essentially let go. I can't get that in the rooms.
I have to get that outside with a professional help.

Speaker 1 (54:18):
Amen to that. That's I'm just sitting here and I'm
sort of speechless because it's so true. Like everything you
just said was just like wow, I just save me
one hundred and sixty bucks in therapy this week. You know,
are you still a swimmer?

Speaker 2 (54:33):
Probably not? No, probably not. I don't like to do
physical activity.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
I don't want to get my hair wet.

Speaker 3 (54:39):
I'm not running.

Speaker 2 (54:42):
I'm not running. I'm not getting these extensions wet.

Speaker 1 (54:45):
I didn't pay that much money to get this way.

Speaker 2 (54:47):
Absolutely not. You know, no, I listen. I tend to
be at any given moment. I can be extremely vain
and shallow when it comes to myself, you know. So
I will laugh about anything that about.

Speaker 1 (55:00):
You as you should. You should.

Speaker 2 (55:02):
And I wake up every day and I what I
could be wrong. That's literally how I live my life,
like I could be wrong. I don't think I'm right
about anything. Typically I am not. And I have no
idea who's going to cross my path or who I'm
going to engage with that's going to change my life
or a view or my belief, Like I could be wrong.

Speaker 1 (55:21):
What was your favorite step you worked?

Speaker 3 (55:24):
Like constantly?

Speaker 2 (55:25):
Have to revisit step three all the time, which is
God could and what if he were saw it? Because
you know, that's not my go to. Okay, I hear people,
that is not my go to.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
Whatever other experiences are.

Speaker 2 (55:38):
I don't think I shall ever at this time in
this day be the persons like I go to God
with everything.

Speaker 1 (55:43):
What was the worst step for you to work?

Speaker 3 (55:52):
I think the fourth, the fourth.

Speaker 1 (55:57):
Which is which is my inventory and taking a personal image.
We have to be honest. The truth shall set you free.

Speaker 3 (56:03):
Truth does set you free.

Speaker 2 (56:04):
And I just I just did a fifth step last
week because I went through my steps again.

Speaker 1 (56:09):
You're sick, You're you're a Sado massachist there and there was.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
Only four people on it, just four. And what hurt
me the most was the harms that I did to them,
like being being mean, you know, and I self assess
myself a lot of the times, I'm not too kind
on myself.

Speaker 3 (56:31):
You know, I'm getting better.

Speaker 1 (56:33):
We're worst critics.

Speaker 3 (56:34):
We are.

Speaker 2 (56:35):
If I would speak to anyone the way that I
tend to speak to myself like I would never speak
to anyone that way.

Speaker 1 (56:42):
That's why we hate ourselves.

Speaker 2 (56:44):
And any given day, I can you know. But there
was only four people on it, and I always know
my part in something immediately, Like I don't wake up
every day and want to hurt anybody at all. I
like to help and just and just be happy, be
and make somebody else happy, And like, I'm funny.

Speaker 1 (57:03):
You are. I'm so funny you are. You post some
funny shit and I love it. And it's stuff that
like I get exactly when you post it. I'm like,
I get her, I get her. She's you know, it's awesome,
funny it is. And my last guest here was one
of your pen camp. It was Duly. We had Duly

(57:23):
on here speaking of funny and somebody who knows what
it's like to be painfully hard on themselves as well.
So it's really good. You have really surrounded yourself by
like minds, by peers who get you and you get
who are going to lift you higher. And I noticed
that about you that you know, it's not that you're
using people, You're using them equally to get higher in life.

(57:47):
On a natural level.

Speaker 2 (57:48):
I want to know how they get there. I want
to surround myself with people. They told me in the
very beginning, surround yourself with people that you want something
that they have. Right, He's never going to stop me.
I want to run big things. I want to have
a side business. That's huge. I want to be good
with money. I have people around me that are driven,

(58:10):
that are kind. They're driven, and they're kind to others.
Being kind to others is big for me. If you
want to be mean to me, that's cool. I don't
like seeing people be ugly to other people. That's not necessary.

Speaker 1 (58:26):
You have been almost nine years continuously sober. It's tough.
It's one of the hardest things for people to do
on a daily basis that have been faced with active
addiction most of their lives and doing it because of
the self loathing they have for each other. There are
so many people out there that are lost, and as

(58:47):
you know, there's so many barriers faces. You just said,
what air words that you could give to people that
are out there of encouragement, or words that you would
say to somebody or to live on the street today
if she were still out there, what would you say?

Speaker 2 (59:02):
I think sometimes a level of honesty is missing, like
this is going to suck, but you never have to
do this again.

Speaker 3 (59:09):
But this is going to be really.

Speaker 1 (59:11):
Hard, to be the hardest thing you've ever done, and
this is.

Speaker 2 (59:13):
Going to really suck. You're not alone, and you'll be okay,
just you will be okay. But this is going to suck.
And I got you. I love it, And I think
that comes in more so now with like, you know,
getting sick.

Speaker 3 (59:26):
I don't want to get sick. Y'are and we're going
to get through it.

Speaker 1 (59:29):
It's the facts of life. This is what's going to happen, right,
But we got ourselves here, we can get through it.
I love it. And that's such a great place for
us to sort of like wind down and talk about
other than the fact that I love your kicks because
you know, O G vans are just amazing. You know,
I love you. I love you because you're just beautiful
inside and out. You know, that is almost a great
era we did.

Speaker 2 (59:50):
We did we could smoke cigarette, stay in the back
of station way.

Speaker 1 (59:54):
Absolutely sitting the other way. You know, you know, it
was really cool.

Speaker 3 (59:59):
But it's a good time to grow up.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
But it's even better now because We're able to take
that and to share with people and pass that on.
It's good time to be alive.

Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
It's a great time to be alive, and thank God
we are alive.

Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
So people want to follow Liz Morrison on social media.
You are on Instagram.

Speaker 2 (01:00:14):
I am on Instagram and make it finds you under
Liz Morrison, Liz.

Speaker 1 (01:00:18):
Morrison, and you are also out there on Facebook unders Morrison.
It's sort of a catching you know trend there, Lis Morrison.
And you know you are part of Penn Camp, which
is a center for addiction medicine and policy. Yes, I
get that right, yep, damn proud of me. You really
on that and you are there and if people need help,

(01:00:40):
they could reach out absolutely and make it ask for
Liz Morrison or anybody.

Speaker 2 (01:00:43):
That answers the anybody who answers.

Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
It's not just you. Everybody's there to help.

Speaker 2 (01:00:46):
Everybody is absolutely amazing. I've never been a part of
a team where they bring something so special individually to
make something so powerful as a group together. Everyone's so
good at a specific thing that it just works. And
I've never seen cohesiveness like that or team, you know,
a team.

Speaker 3 (01:01:08):
I'm an honored to be where I am.

Speaker 1 (01:01:10):
There's some good energy over there.

Speaker 2 (01:01:11):
There's amazing energy over there.

Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
I love it. I love it. And you know, an
hour is never enough time to unpack all of our shit.
In one episode we unpacked, we did, and I want
to I definitely want to bring you back and maybe
we can get Bernie to come along and have her
come back to Bernie would love to talk about unpacking. Yeah,
exactly when she's not talking to people with dogs scooping
on Lunes and well.

Speaker 3 (01:01:29):
You know that's probably never gonna be never good.

Speaker 1 (01:01:32):
But I appreciate you and I appreciate your friendship that
you've given to me over these years, and I've learned
from you and continue to just laugh with you. And
you know I love our group text. So thank you
so much for being you and thanks for joining me today.

Speaker 3 (01:01:43):
Thank you for having me. I love you.

Speaker 1 (01:01:45):
You got it, you got it, and for already out there.
I hope anything you've learned on this season so far
and switching gears is that it is possible to switch gears.
It is possible to change, and it is possible to
get the help that you deserve because you are not alone. Remember,
whatever it does, you stand for be a voice. This
is Brick carpent on Usulu Media. Thanks to lizten for
joining me today, and thank you all for joining me.

(01:02:07):
Have a great rest of your day.